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With so much going on in the world, I think people are making big changes in their lives.

Given that people are becoming more aware of their own mortality, I think its making them decide to take action.

My encouragement in today’s podcast: 256-How to Not Fail at Marriage, comes from a failure at marriage –ehemm –me!

When my first marriage failed I blamed him. When my second marriage was on the rocks, I realized I was the common denominator.

When I transformed myself, I witnessed this man change before my very eyes.

Now, that I work with many men and women from around the world, I wish I understood these truths and the essential Framework a wife and husband needs to not fail at marriage. And in fact thrive.

This episode is for you if your marriage isn’t what you think it could be. I’d encourage you, if you know someone in that spot, this may be the perfect opportunity to send them insights that very well may transform their marriage.

None of us know when it’s our time and God calls us home.

But right now, God has given us our spouse as the most important human relationship and I hope you honor it as such.

On today’s show I cover:
-The 3 things men need to feel fulfilled in marriage
-The 3 things women need to feel fulfilled in marriage
-This Framework is what men and women need to understand to love each other the way the other receives love (hint: it’s different for each spouse)
-What I wish I had known about sexual intimacy in my first marriage
-Why we are more respectful to strangers than our own life partner

If you are new to the Delight Your Marriage philosophies, this is a really good introduction. If you’ve been around for a while “repetition is the mother of learning” so I encourage you to take these insights too!

Find a deeper understanding of the Framework here!

Love & blessings,
Belah

PS – I’d love to invite you to send this to a friend if they’re facing marriage challenges right now, this could save their marriage.

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. Hi, there, welcome. This is belah rose. Now today I am kind of writing this open letter, if you will, to many, many couples who go through these cycles. But I’m going to kind of personify it as if I was talking about just one couple. But I just see these patterns over and over and over again where a couple starts off in love so happy together. And then slowly things break down. I mean, just completely. And so whether it’s because of poor role modeling trauma, a tragic past, I mean, so many difficulties. But I think there is a way forward. And that’s what I want to talk about. I’m not interested in digging into everybody’s past and, you know, doing therapy while I’m on a coaching call, like that’s not, that’s not what this is. But it is as like, what is our path forward? How can we move past this? So listen in with a curiosity of, you know, maybe you’ve had some friends that have gotten divorced, maybe you’ve gotten divorced? What happened in that situation? Why did it happen? And in a lot of ways, these are principles that I’ve developed because they can go across the board. So often, it’s loving your spouse, the way they receive love, to heal the situation to heal. So do I run the risk of being too simple in this podcast? Yes. Things may be too simple. But I think if I don’t give you some really strong principles to hold on to it, it becomes noise in a way that it doesn’t stick with you. Repetition is the mother of learning. And so my encouragement to you is to listen to this and really catch the principles that can guide you forward to a better marriage, a better relationship, and one that doesn’t end in divorce, the one that ends in generosity and playfulness, and intimacy in all ways. So let’s go ahead and dive in

2:48
All right, so let’s say that the couples have been married for going on 20 years, let’s say they started off loving Debbie happy and love. She used the you know, stereotype wife, beautiful, full time caretaker of the kids. He is the the manly man who brings home the bacon, and they just have this, you know, happily ever after starts to their marriage. And then what happens? Well, maybe kids come along, maybe they, you know, start bickering of little things. And pretty soon it becomes a lot of strife. The kids notice turns into some pretty difficult situations, whether it’s big arguments, divorces thrown around. Both of them have unhealthy coping mechanisms. You know, whatever it is, they both feel lonely and sad, even though they’re married. So I know this story intimately because I had this story with my first marriage. Now we didn’t have kids by God’s grace. But we this was our story. So though I’m talking kind of in the third person in this story, I’m kind of talking about as though I’m mentioning a whole different set of, of people and all that. But I will say this is the pattern I see over and over and over again. And the reason why couples break up and the things I wish they would learn. So I hope you listen with a opportunity of how does this impact me? And what can I glean from this? And, you know, if we don’t learn from other people’s mistakes, we’re bound to repeat them, which is the sad truth. So my encouragement is, is to listen in and and see what may have went wrong in somebody else’s story. So what do I think was missing in this couple? Well, I think the first and foremost is understanding that God is first Your marriage is second, and your kids are third? And then after that, everything else work, etc, etc. And what is it that a man needs to feel loved? And what is it that a woman needs to feel loved? And I think both of them had a misunderstanding of that. I think they both thought there was an intuition that that their spouse would just pick up on that they just knew how to how to love the spouse well. So here’s, here’s what the framework is. And you can actually find out more about it at delight your marriage.com/framework. But let me tell you, for husbands, they need to feel respected, they need to feel admired, and they need wholehearted sexual intimacy. And for wives, they need to feel known. They need to feel safe. And they need to feel wholeheartedly cherished. So, because men go first, right, Adam and Eve, even though Eve might have bitten the apple first, Adam was the one that took the response needed to have taken the responsibility per per what God said. So Adam, so let’s talk about this gentleman. The things that I think he he missed on is respecting his wife’s boundaries, is understanding who she is being aware that she is her own woman, and she gets to make her own decisions. And if she doesn’t want to do something, she doesn’t have to do it. Her feelings get to be her feelings. And when I say known, I think he did know her, I think he was aware. But I don’t know if he made it clear to her that he appreciated her uniquenesses as a woman. And so that might be something to be thinking about. If you’re making your wife feel known as a woman. Different than every other woman, different than the every other woman out there, that she is unique, that there are elements of her that God created that are in no other woman out there. The next piece is what she safe.

7:43
So when addiction is involved in any relationship, it is extremely unsafe for a woman. So whether it’s any kind of addiction, whether it’s a drug and alcohol, porn, you know, and all on the list of addictions, whatever it may be, the feeling of safety gets removed, because suddenly this person is not consistent and is not trustworthy. So if it were some kind of drug or alcohol addiction, then it’s I don’t know who he is going to be when when he comes home. I don’t know where he’s going to be I don’t know if the money is going towards the kids schools, or is it going towards something? Yeah, something something very bad. So when a feeling of safety is removed from a wife, it’s scary. It’s fearful. She can’t trust and so her response to that is a natural control. When you’re afraid you you grab on to something really tight. And so no, she can’t be the relaxed, carefree at peace surrendered wife that a husband craves because she’s afraid. She’s afraid. And so, yes, addiction is one way that a wife doesn’t feel safe. But another way that men don’t realize is when she feels pressured for sex, that makes her feel unsafe. It makes her feel forced and pushed, and pressured. And any, any possibility that he might stray from the marriage because she’s not fulfilling him sexually is is a an affront. It’s an assault on the marriage. So that’s, that’s what I think happened in those ways. And then the final piece of the framework is wholeheartedly cherished. And when a wife feels wholeheartedly cherished there, there’s just appreciation. There’s a sense of oh my gosh, honey, thank you for Taking care of the kids or making dinner or every little thing you do for our family, and he noticing it, and him saying it. And every single day it being part of his mindset, it’s, it’s the opposite of taking a spouse for granted, if you wholeheartedly cherish your wife, you don’t take her for granted. You are grateful, you appreciate who she is, and you don’t step on her toes, right? That’s, that’s the boundaries piece of it, you don’t, you don’t think that you have a right to who she is because you got married, you don’t you’re not entitled to her, you’re not entitled to our sex, you’re not entitled to anything that she is, she gets to be who she is. And it’s kind of like, if you always have the mindset of dating your spouse, you won’t take them for granted, you will cherish them because you know, as a husband, she is not going to put up with you not cherishing her. And when I say not put up with I don’t mean that she’s going to say you can’t, that’s that’s a boundary issue, because he can do whatever he wants. But what she can do is respond in a way that protects her. So if he is disrespectful to her, her response can say, Honey, that hurt, and I’m I’m going to take some time, it’s I’m going to be by myself for a while, or Ouch. And leave the room and go call girlfriend and cry. Or maybe go make yourself happy doing something that that’s going to make you feel filled up. Don’t Don’t let yourself be hurt over and over again. But that’s what I think a wise wife would do to somebody who’s disrespecting her boundaries is, she’s still going to be respectful. But she’s not going to allow him to continue to disrespect her boundaries. It’s just like, if a king starts throwing mud at the Queen, she’s not going to sit there and take it. Now she’s not going to get there in the mud and start throwing mud back. But she’s not, she’s not gonna stick around, the king doesn’t get to have a queen. If he’s thrown monitor. Like, that’s ridiculous. You either act right, or I’m not going to be around you. And that’s like a very easy, like a very simplistic way of describing this situation. But a lot of couples accept bad behavior. But they don’t, they don’t do it in a way that’s dignified. They do it in a way that’s very

12:42
well and dignified. It’s like, you can’t be treated like a queen. If you don’t act like one. You can’t be treated like a king if you don’t act like one. So act like one to your spouse, respect your spouse, so that they can treat you well in return. change the culture of your marriage, that that’s not something you say to each other. That’s ridiculous, you don’t raise your voice, you don’t scream at each other. That’s not an acceptable way of fighting. It’s just not know, if you’re too upset, to respect your spouse, when you have an argument, then it’s up to you to get your big boy pants on or big girl britches on and, and go cool off before you approach your spouse. They’re the most important person in your life. Don’t take them for granted. It’s just the way it is. It’s it’s not. It’s not going to cause your relationship to go well, it’s going to cause your relationship to end. So that’s my encouragement probably to the husband and what I’d like hopefully, if he if he gets remarried, that that’s his. That’s what he does. That he focuses on letting his wife be known, safe and cherished, wholeheartedly cherished. And when a wife feels filled up in those ways, oh my gosh, she naturally wants to fill up her husband in the ways that he receives love. So let’s go through those things that I think would be a really good thing for her to understand for her next relationship, or whatever God leads her to be doing. So or it’s just for your benefit of what I think would be good. So for her what a husband needs to feel loved his he needs to be respected. He needs to be admired. And he needs wholehearted sexual intimacy. So let’s talk about the first one respect. I used to know this. I mean, I knew this. I knew that for many, many But I didn’t understand what it meant 21st century respect for a husband, what does that even mean? Well, there were key phrases that I think if you’re saying these as a wife, you’re not respecting your husband. But I didn’t know what these were, I didn’t understand that. Because I use this. Often, it was a litmus test of oh, I don’t respect my husband. So things like you should, you need to, we need to, we should like the ones that you say we it’s a covert command. Right, even the shoulds, like the need to all of those. Those are covert commands, those are things that you might not even realize as a command, but it’s a command, it’s telling him what to do. We need to you have to, we have to even things like you can do that, or you can’t do that. Those are I mean, those are commands of telling him what to do. Or let’s, let’s do that. And you may be surprised, but even those comments will make him feel over and over and over again. Like she doesn’t respect him. And that’s, I mean, men have, like, respect antenna up all the time. And everything that you say, as a wife, he’s filtering through that respect antenna. So my encouragement for you wife is to just be so conscious and careful that what you say to him, isn’t telling him what to do. Because if you think about if you had a boss, and someone you respect someone that you definitely have to be Choose your words wisely with carefully. You would never say those things. You wouldn’t you wouldn’t say it like that you wouldn’t use that tone, you wouldn’t. You wouldn’t do those things. So why is it that you’re going to respect your boss more than your own spouse?

17:03
That seems strange that we care more about how we talk to someone temporarily in our life? Who adds some to our our joy in life, but definitely not as much as our spouse not to be glows? Why do we care so much about how we say it to a stranger or a loose acquaintance. And our spouse, we’re just like, unfiltered, they get all our thoughts, no matter how we present them, what tone we use, and we’re probably going to do it really fast. Because they don’t deserve us to to, they don’t deserve for us to carefully think through our thoughts. And say it in a way that’s kind and loving and generous and patient and gentle. It’s crazy, to me, it’s a crazy concept that we are going to disrespect our spouse and respect other people. Like why did it what are we doing? What are we doing? That’s so wrong? I’ve been there though. So it’s not judgment. It’s just, we all need to look at this and be serious about it. I have I have so been there. But I don’t want you to be there anymore. I don’t want any of us to be there anymore. Our marriage is our most precious human relationship. And it should be treated as such every single day, every single day. So that’s what respect looks like is honoring them honoring your husband as if they were? No, it’s not. I don’t mean the boss dynamic. Like he tells you what to do not at all. I mean, the boss dynamic of you respect your boss, you know, or pastor or someone that holds respect in your life that you wouldn’t just say things flippantly to, that’s my encouragement that you think about your husband that way. The next thing is admire. I think when we don’t realize how important this is to our husband, we we miss opportunities all the time to compliment them on who they are, who God made them to be. Because one of the biggest insecurities for men is I’m not good enough. I don’t have what it takes. And so if you, as a wife, admire your husband, you get to help him see that he does have what it takes, you are the one closest to him. So when he sees the way you see him, he starts to believe that about himself. He starts to believe what you think about him is true. And so it’s really something that you have to go through in your own heart. Do I admire this man? Or do I treat him like a son? Do I think he’s another one of my children that needs to be taught all the time and I need to give advice and guidance and just like you know, if you want your husband to act like a man you got to treat him that way, you’ve got to believe in your heart that he is capable of changing, of growing of becoming different or becoming more. When you admire him, he starts to see himself differently. So I understand this because my own husband, you know, I was controlling, I was disrespectful. I saw him as someone I had to, I don’t know, do all the work for protect and defend and all the, like, I had that role. And I learned that my goodness, when I start to see him as capable, he starts to see himself as capable. So one quick example of that is when I said you know what, honey, I trust you with the finances, I, you know, it’s too stressful for me anyway, I can’t do it. I know, you’re going to do it, I know, you’re going to do it for us. And I’ll tell you, a man is so responsible. Like, he’s got so many gifts and talents that I don’t have. And until I really allow myself to trust that he would never step up to the plate. If I just had this conception of him is he’s your response, you know, he can’t do it. He doesn’t have the education to dilla lalala, whatever excuse I have, then he would never step up to the plate, because he’s like, Well, my wife doesn’t think I can anyway. And so he even believes it about himself. I can’t do it. I mean, my wife knows me better than anyone, and she doesn’t think I can do it. So I can’t do it. But until I said, You know what, honey, I can’t, and I trust you. I trust you, you can do it, I whatever you decide, I’m, I’m behind whatever you whatever you think, honey, like, those are the kinds of phrases even as I’m growing in faith that God’s got me, I trust God, I don’t have to control the situation. My husband’s going to go through his learning process. It may take a couple of years, it may take longer, but it’s worth him growing as a man

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upon the admiration that I have genuine admiration. Not that I believe in his potential. Not that I think he you know, can grow in a, in a motherly type way. But in a Gosh, my sexy husband has this thing taken care of. He can do this. I mean, I don’t have to I can trust him, I trust him to do these things. So for the example of finances with us is he took a financial class, he’s, he’s on top of it, he put all the automated stuff, he’s looking at the budget every week, or Yeah, week, month, whatever. He’s his system. And I don’t have to think about it. I don’t have to think about it. He’s a trustworthy man. He’s a man of character. And it’s fantastic. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t have any power in our relationship, or that he doesn’t respect me. No, because these other pieces are in place, I can trust him. Because he respects me because I’m safe, because my boundaries are respected. Because I know I’m cherished. Because I know he values me. I can trust him. I can trust him. So what has happened is my husband is pays everything on time, and I get to be a piece. And he’s responsible for our family. And I let him know that thank you for taking care of this family. Thank you for being responsible with the finances. And I thank him for those things. Because I think it’s true. And in some ways, it’s in faith, because I want him to know, I’m not stressing over it, it’s up to him. If he wants our family to sink, it’s up to him. If he wants us to swim and thrive, it’s up to him. But if I’m taking on that load, and that’s something that unless I want to take on the whole thing. That’s what disrespect does to a man, that’s what controlling does to a man it disempowers it demotivates because when you control it’s like, well, fine, you do it. You You know, if you’re going to criticize everything I do, I’m not going to do it. It demotivates so that’s my encouragement to women if you know think he can’t load the dishwasher Right? Or he can’t fold the clothes, right? Or he can’t help with the kids, right? Or the you know, he’s not patient enough or he’s not able to, he’s just gonna stop. He’s not going to do it. But if you acknowledge like, Thank God, I have this man to help me do X, Y and Z. Yeah, he’s gonna do it differently. But who’s to say that my way is definitely right. Maybe it is. Maybe it is definitely right in terms of the way you are with with the kids or this or that or whatever, but when you criticize you demotivate so he’s gonna throw up his hands and say, oh, never mind. Never mind. You can do it by yourself. And I’ve been I’ve been that woman. I have been that woman. So the last piece is wholeheartedly Sexual intimacy. Now, this is something I have, I have learned. And and I do this work because this is something I was so ignorant to. But you know, it’s so many women are ignorant to this, because of the way they were raised. And because of this desire that I just don’t want someone exploring. So I’m not going to tell my kids about sex, because I don’t want them exploring ahead of when they’re ready to. And there are some really fantastic resources for those of you who are parents on how to teach your kids around sex, so that they understand sex, and they don’t go exploring because their parents ever told them. So one great resource is called intoxicated on life. and.com and Luke Gilkerson, who’s been on the podcast several times talks about, he’s got a great course on actually how to teach your kids sexual education. And his belief is that parents need to be teaching their kids because you can’t rely on anyone else. You want them to come to you for questions. And so I think that’s really good. We’ve learned a lot. And we really need to go back to

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that core so and finish it because it’s, it’s just got great resources, a great tools. So, anyway, wholehearted sexual intimacy. What I didn’t realize about it is that this is the way he feels loved. In the same way that I need emotional connection with him, I need it, I need him to listen to me, I need him to care about my feelings. I need it to matter to him when I’m sad, I need it to matter to him when I’m happy. I need to be able to be listened to and him to care about it. I need that in a relationship. Because I feel loved when we have had a strong good connecting heart to heart. I feel so loved. I feel so loved as a woman. And sexual intimacy for a husband is the same way. It’s the same way. Which doesn’t make any sense because as a woman, like what how does gyrating until a big explosion happen? Like how in the world does that have anything to do with his emotional health? I mean, that’s like a that’s like so different. Well, the reason is, is because that’s masculine type sex, that’s that’s the type of sex that’s heading towards a climax until it gets the climax, and then it’s over. And that’s, that that’s so energetic and so different than the way women think about sex in the way of sex being relaxing and, and peaceful and calming. And intimacy, not having an end goal. Maybe not even including orgasm. Like those are just a different style and type of sex one. Women really gravitate to and one men really gravitate to and but I’ve heard men say things like, I just feel after making love, like, everything’s gonna be okay. I’ve heard men talk about how their anxiety is completely alleviated because of intimacy with their wife, which seems so strange, how is it that their anxiety goes down? Like it seems for a wife, it’s like, what? It’s one of those things that we just have to trust. We just have to trust you know, I have a lot of episodes about what it means to to love your husband well in sexual intimacy. And that’s the way he received sex, receives love through sex. So things around enthusiasm and generosity and visuals and being willing to have variety and loving his member. Those are, those are important things in sexual intimacy that he’s craving. And as a wife, I didn’t understand that. I just didn’t understand that. And instead, I felt pressured. And I felt objectified. And I felt like he doesn’t care about me. And yet, what I didn’t realize is this is the way he receives love. And yes, there are ways that I can actually enjoy sex in a much different and much better way. But at the end of the day, I don’t think I will ever crave sex, to the degree that he does. And I don’t think I will ever be emotionally fulfilled it through sex in the way and the degree that he does. There are ways there are different practices. There are things that I definitely do desired and want that but it’s not to the degree. And I guess the best metaphor is the same way with with listening and a deep connecting conversation. It’ll never really mean what it means to me, as it does to my like, let me clarify that So for him, he just has to trust that it matters that much to me, that being cherished, that being known. Being safe, like all of those things can happen through a deep conversation about my feelings about how I’m doing in life, how I’m growing what I’m thinking about, like, his curiosity of what’s going on in my heart, him caring about those things, makes me want to love him and intimacy. I mean, it literally turns a woman on to love her husband and intimacy.

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So that’s, that’s what I wish women knew in their marriages. And that’s what I hope you will take home from this conversation, that there still hope for you, in your marriage. If you can apply these principles, the framework of for a woman, she needs to be known, safe and wholeheartedly cherished. And for man, he needs to be respected, and admired and wholehearted sexual intimacy. I hope this has been encouraging to you. And most of all, the enemy would love for you to feel condemned for you to feel ashamed for you to feel like you’ve made too many mistakes, you’ve made so many mistakes, he would love that. Because that’s his aim is to break marriages apart and make you feel demotivated and uninspired and unable to change. That is not what God wants. God wants you to take this and say, Thank God, I learned something today. Thank God, I have a new perspective. Thank God, Lord, thank you for showing me thank you for moving me in this direction. There are so many reasons why you may not have understood these things yet, whether it’s poor modeling, or just you’re focused on many other things that God needed you to be focused on in those seasons. But I believe that there are things in this conversation that you needed to hear. And you need to let your heart think about don’t distract yourself away from this conversation. Because the enemy wants to distract you. He doesn’t want you to change. He doesn’t want you to think about these things in a serious way. But my encouragement is to say, You know what? God, you meant for me to listen to this, you meant for me to hear these words. And let me pray for you. Father, I pray for this person listening. You know them and you love them. You love them. You want a closer relationship with them. You want a stronger, deeper friendship with them. You want them to know how much you love them. And that this podcast was a gift to their heart. That any new insight, any new understanding was a gift for them. Not something to make them feel less than or ashamed, or that they haven’t done the right thing. And there’s no use in trying or starting over or doing new things. But God I asked for grace, all of us can do things better all of the time. There is always ways to grow. I hope that that is the mindset that thank God, I’m growing, I want to grow, I want to learn, I want to get better. And I just pray for grace for this person listening to to shift their mindset to truly deeply change according to your will, and love their spouse the way that they receive love in your priorities. Loving You first and foremost God, and then their spouse, then their kids and then everything else. Thank you for your kindness and walking with us God. We love you. Amen. Alrighty, well, I guess I’ll end this with what I think about this couple is who’s whose fault was it that the marriage broke up, I think both in whose percentage on what and whatever I mean, I don’t, who am I to judge, but I think we all can grow, we all can learn. And if we don’t learn from other people’s difficulties, then we’re probably going to experience them ourselves. So I would encourage you to learn what you can from the pain and the suffering they went through so that you don’t go through it so your spouse doesn’t get through it so your kids don’t go through it. Alright, love you, bless you go to delight your marriage.com/framework so you can deeply really understand this, this concept, these concepts and these ways of being and you can get better at it and love and love better. Again, thank you so much for joining and I’ll talk to you next week. Love you.

34:47
Bye

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

But the one about “do not covet your neighbor’s wife,” if taken seriously, guards against the “do not commit adultery” commandment.

Coveting is actually a very important sin for men AND women. We each need to take it very seriously.

It causes your sex life to dwindle if either partner is doing it. 

Though men and women covet differently around sex, if given to that temptation, it has a huge impact on the bedroom. 

God cares about our hearts. He cares about how we think and how we judge. And when we covet, we are taking our eyes off of what God wants us to focus on and consuming our attention with things that just don’t matter as much and maybe they are even egregious sins.

 

Coveting is actually a very important sin for men AND women. We each need to take it very seriously.

 

Also, I talk about the sins of sex addiction and greed in this episode because I think they’re very related as well.

 

When women covet the “neighbor’s wife”, it’s still sin.

 

Maybe we’re jealous of another woman’s flat stomach or some other standard of beauty we think is better than our own. 

It causes us to hide, feel insecure and go away from intimacy with our spouse. Leaving our marriage more exposed to potential destruction.

 

(Also, ladies, I still have to fight against this! That’s our fight to win–the fight in our hearts and minds.)

PS

If you want the specific Framework I use when working with my clients to help them love–the way their spouse receives love.

When you discover how your spouse receives love, and fulfill them in that way, they will naturally naturally love you the way YOU receive love (men differently than women)!

So go to delightyourmarriage.com/framework for the free download!

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. Hi there and welcome. Thank you so much for joining. I’m really grateful that we get to speak know, wherever you are in the world you may be, you know, by God’s grace, I have people listening in from 155 countries all over the place. So thank you so much for joining. I am hopeful that today’s podcast and in fact, every single episode is something that encourages you and empowers you, in not only your walk with Jesus, but also in your relationship with your spouse, whether you’re a husband or a wife listening, it is really intended to give you what you need to go the next step to continue this journey. I really deeply believe that our relationship with our spouse is our highest priority. And so aside from her relationship, Jesus, right, that’s our highest human priority. And so if that’s out of whack, then we’ve got to really assess how our life is set up. Because we’ve set up our life in a priority list. That’s that’s not the way God describes it. So I want to just encourage you today, and we’re going to be talking about something that I don’t hear talked a lot about, but it’s funny how often I see it in the Bible. So I think it’s important, but I also think it’s very practically important to your sex life based on the work that I do. And based on I think this is going to just really help men and and women this podcast, so let’s go ahead and dive in.

2:15
In Exodus, when the Israelites are leaving, the, you know, they’ve been enslaved for 400 years, they are learning what it means to be free. And what it means to follow God in that. And so it’s Exodus 20, is when Moses goes up to Mount Sinai. And it is interesting, that there are just 10 commandments that are given. And it’s, I think it’s very fascinating because God could have put any of them, you know, any any, you know, this is how to live right? Like this is what’s going to make your life aligned with the just laws that God put in place. I mean, if God’s set up the world, he knows how best to live in it. So let’s just look at what that says. It says, I’m the Lord your God. And this is in verse 220. Exodus 20, verse two, I’m the Lord your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery, You shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth, you shall not bow down to them or serve them for the I the LORD your God and a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to 1000s of those who love Me and keep My commandments. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain. That’s just a quick side. If you say, Oh, my God, isn’t that taking the Lord’s name in vain? Like, what else do you call the Lord? Except that so if you say that, or if you use the name of Jesus in a expletive type manner, I mean, this is this a big deal? So stop doing that. Bullies, bullies, it’s very clearly laid out, don’t do it. Okay, the next one is, and I say it, because I see it all the time from Christians and in it. And like every time I have a mentor, friend of mine who says, you know, when she hears that she actually prays for that person in a way of like, Lord, we take your name, holy, and it’s separate. And she just she just prays right in that moment, and it’s beautiful Anyway, okay, Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy, which is also another thing that’s really off our list in terms have priorities right? What? What is the Sabbath, that it’s a, it’s an opportunity for us to rest and recognize in a perspective of who God is. And he clarifies Six days you shall labor and do all your work. But the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God on it, you shall not do any work, you or your son, or your daughter, or your male servant, or your female servant, or your livestock or the sojourner who is within your gates. For in six days, the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all of that is in them and rested on the seventh day. Therefore, the Lord bless the Sabbath and made it holy. So if you listen to me for a while, you know that my my husband and I are family, we take a Sabbath every Saturday, which means we endeavor not to plan anything. And anything that that possibly is on the calendar, if it is at all stressful, or if it doesn’t allow us to rest it is we we uncommit to that. And we’ve been doing that for I keep saying it’s something like three or four years, but I think it’s actually been a lot longer than that, because I think I haven’t added years since I started saying that. So anyway, might be like eight years of those words, I don’t know. No, it’s probably more like, it’s probably more like six, something like that. Anyway, it is a life changer, when you start to realize that I don’t have to do anything. Like, I don’t have to be God, on a seventh day, like I, I can trust that God’s gonna be God. When he needs to be he doesn’t need me to be laboring all the time. And, and it’s very important, I think, for many, many reasons that we rest. There’s this great book that I have been recommended many times that I’ve only just started reading, but it’s called the ruthless. The ruthless and elimination of hurry. And it’s just this beautiful. I mean, I feel like I could have written it except certainly not as insightful like it, but it’s just so aligned with the way I think about if we’re hurrying. We can’t love people. Well,

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if we hurry, which in our society, whether it’s Christian or non Christian hurrying is like, it’s as if it’s an ethic, like as if it’s morality, to be productive, like, that’s what’s righteousness is productivity. But this is an old issue. Right? Jesus said it to Martha. You were distracted by many things. But Mary has chosen the good part. And it will not be taken from her Mary, what was Mary doing? She was sitting at Jesus’s feet. And so this idea of productivity all the time is like, that’s just not the way Jesus lived. It’s just not the way he lives. So yeah, I encourage that book, the ruthless elimination of hurry. Alrighty, so let’s keep going. Honor your father and mother. So this is where we start to get into people. Right, everything before now, I think it’s the first five I think I’ve gone through so far, are all about our relationship with God, then we have the Sabbath. But then, now we’re talking about people on your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you. This is something I fall short on a lot, I think in you know, again, with our culture, it’s almost like, you know, my parents messed up. So I messed up, you know, this, this culture of like, blame every problem on your parents. Well, yeah, parenting is also hard. It is very hard. And as much as you know, we try to be great parents. Man, we mess up a lot. And, you know, I hope my kids give me grace when they grew up, and they’re like, a mom and dad really messed up in these ways. Like, yeah, we, we tried our best, darn it. And so if we can just try to honor our parents in our hearts, and in our words, again, this is something I mess up with a lot. But again, Jesus does have grace with us, but this is something we are striving towards. Okay, the next one, do not murder. Hopefully, this is something that you you’ve, you know, done a good job of committing to if not, Jesus forgives. Okay, do not commit adultery. So that’s pretty impressive. Right? This is the right after murder, do not commit adultery. So So Jesus, really, God really cares about your fidelity with your spouse, that it’s that important. So then when Jesus came, He clarified that even if you’re just lusting after a woman in your heart, it’s equivalent to adultery. So there there is a high standard and a high importance on this. So if this is something you’re struggling with, if we’re not graphy addiction is something you are struggling with. It is a common struggle, but it doesn’t mean it is not a very, very serious Problem spiritually speaking. But Jesus can help, he can free you of the addiction. I was addicted to pornography when I was younger, it’s it’s horrible, horrible feeling of, of the shame and the regret and the guilt and said all these things, but I will say, you know, I work with many men who can overcome this. And if it’s, if you’re a woman that’s listening, you can overcome this, one of the biggest things I have found is openness with people who are trustworthy, that helps getting an accountability partner, being in a group of people that can hold you accountable, not your spouse, honestly, because it’s too close to them, it’s going to hurt them. By hearing you struggle with, you know, lusting after someone other than them, it’s painful to hear that, as much as I understand it, it is reality. I would not be happy if my husband told me about the strength of that temptation. As a wife, I do everything that I can to, to help him in that temptation, which means I’m generous with my views, variety, generous with frequency in sex, but at the same time, I need him to handle that I need him to be responsible for his own fidelity, his own faithfulness and get with guys that are going to be able to encourage him, get in a Bible study get with other guys that can be accountable with you. So that’s my encouragement there. The next one is You shall not steal. Okay, good. You shall shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. So yeah, lying. We, you know, that’s white lies, right? That seems like a very common thing again, in our society. So keeping in mind, okay, this is the one that I think we just never talked about. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house, you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, you shall not or his male servant or his female servant, or his ox or his donkey, or anything, that is your neighbors. So that’s the one I want to really land on, and speak about the most today. Because

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when we cover it, I think it goes back to distraction. When we are jealous of someone else, we are distracted from what God is doing in our lives, in our heart, what he wants to do with us we are we are looking over the fence at the grass that must be greener on that side. And it’s like no, God wants you to work on your own grass. If you’re busy looking over there, you’re you’re not fixing, you’re not doing. You’re not you you’re not attentive to what God wants you to be doing. And when I look at these these commandments, I think it’s like, it’s a really beautiful building on each other. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever noticed that. Before, that the commandments are very much interconnected. Now there, the beginning is very much about the Lord your God is your God. So so the way you talk about him, he needs to be revered as God the way you worship him. He needs to be revered as God, there’s nothing top of God. And then it talks about keeping your perspective. Correct. With the Sabbath. The Sabbath, I think is so vital because every single week, we need to reorient ourselves, we need perspective. If we’re busy doing doing doing even if it’s accomplishing things like watching that movie series, that video What is it Series TV series, even if it’s getting up to date on on your social media feed those things like they seem like a checklist to do list item that is a good thing or it’s going to make you rest but what it does is it just continues the the effort you’re expending in life, you don’t actually exhale, you’re still oh my gosh, the next thing, the next thing, the next thing and the next thing or play that game with that person online or whatever it is. We really need to slow it all down. We really need to get out in nature and reflect. You know, Jesus was not afraid to leave the party. He was not afraid to get away from even people he loved. He needed time by himself. He needed time to rest there are times that he said after after ministering to lots of people. He said okay, let’s go across the lake and rest. He knew his limits. It’s important for us to recognize As our limits, or we can’t actually be effective, like God wants us to be effective. So I think that’s beautiful the Sabbath. But then it continues with honoring your father and mother, again, with this idea of like, if my parents only taught me this when I was young, I would be so much further along, or if they only loved me in this way, or if they only acted this way, and then I would have a better footing in life. So I’d be able to, you know, but what about honoring them of like, Thank God, they did what they did, because I do have X, Y, and Z, even if it was a lack from them. If they weren’t, who they were, I wouldn’t be able to be who I am. So as an example, I have a friend who is just a beautiful heart towards Jesus, she just loves him. And she was raised by a mother who was schizophrenic. And I think the father may have left when she was young. So if you can imagine how difficult it is to be completely reliant as a child, on somebody who is that mentally unstable, it was hard, but I’ll tell you, what she sees from it is she has learned so much, and so much so that she’s actually a therapist herself. She’s a psychologist as well, herself. Because she, you know, learned so much to figure out how to deal in that kind of environment. And now she’s able to serve others, because of her mother hadn’t been who she was, she wouldn’t have had the, I guess the the reason to go after that field, and to help others in that same, you know, mental challenges. So, anyway, so this idea of like, honoring who God gave you and the family that God put you in, is really important. And then, you know, then there are some things like, you know, I talked about murder, and, you know, that’s something that’s gonna haunt someone for the rest of their life. It’s a very, just,

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yeah, maybe I don’t even have to go into that anymore. But committing adultery, like, God knows what that does to somebody’s soul. The the lack of integrity, somebody feels by doing that, and the and the way it affects them spiritually. I know, that’s the case, when somebody is addicted to pornography, or in affairs, or prostitution, or, you know, all these things like, the spiritual, gaping hole in them is immense, and it is painful. And even when they get out of that lifestyle, there is a challenge they have to walk. So my encouragement is to, to really be conscious of that. So anyway, all of these things really build on each other. And the covetousness, though, is so interesting, because we are really encouraged to not be jealous, we don’t even use that word covet. But I think a good word is jealousy. I think another word that we also don’t talk about is greed. We don’t talk about that very often, unless it’s like, you know, some billionaire or some, you know, huge corporation or something like that. We really don’t use that term much. But it’s very frequent in the Bible as a as a as a warning. And if we are flippant with with not with thinking, that’s no big deal. I think that’s a problem. So. So how does all this impact your, your sex life? Well, I have heard a lot of wives talk about well, I’ve just I’ve just heard both. But a lot of wives talk about body image challenges I’ve had that. That’s a big reason why women are not free in the bedroom. That’s one of the top ones they don’t feel like their body is good enough. And from husbands I’ve heard it over and over and over again, of like, my wife is beautiful. Like, she’s got this incredible body. I can’t believe that she’s insecure around me, like, why can’t I see what she has? And then some women like would, first of all, they’d be like, No way I am not, you know, I don’t even know what he’s talking about. I’m not attractive or those kinds of things. And then, you know, I’ve heard even this is probably like a direct quote, I remember one husband said, my wife’s Miss Universe to me. I’ve heard another husband that’s like, she’s got all those curves, like, that’s what I want. So, the truth of the matter is, a husband would far desire a woman who was free in sex and relaxed about her body. And and, you know, very generous with her visuals and happy to share them, he would prefer that over a woman that, you know has perfect proportions, but is obsessed with dieting and exercise and you know is insecure about her, her body and you know, doesn’t, doesn’t feel she’s good enough and all this insecurity, like, the most attractive trait is confidence. So my encouragement to a wife listening is the freedom is the thing that attracts your husband. The the perfect proportions is just not something he, first of all, he probably doesn’t even notice. You know, you’re harder on yourself than than he ever will be. A lot of men are, tell me things like, If only she could see herself, the way that I see her. If only she could see how beautiful she really is. You know, God made your husband with a desire for female curves, and he married you because he really likes yours.

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So when we as women, so I’m talking to the women right now, when we as women are coveting somebody else’s body type or shape, or the way that either they naturally look or the way they’ve killed in the gym. So they look like that, or they’ve had some kind of surgery to look like that whatever, when we are jealous of that. It is actually keeping us from being free in bed. So it’s kind of robbing our own spouse of the joy that God created him to have that he’s supposed to be satisfied with his wife’s curves. That’s what it even says biblically. And proverbs five, it’s, it’s all about being satisfied with your own spouse. And if you’re concerned that he is comparing you or thinking about others, the truth of the matter is you’re thinking about others. And so you’re actually the one that needs to fix the mind so that you are present and able to be free. But that if you think about it, it is a sin to covet somebody else’s body, it is a sin. It’s in the list with murder. Like that’s in the list. So I have been absolutely guilty of this. Just because it’s a common sin doesn’t mean we don’t need to repent and take it seriously. I’ll just say it again, just because coveting is a common sin doesn’t mean that we don’t need to repent and take it seriously.

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When I was reading through this, Proverbs 1430 It says, a tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot. And when I was journaling, that’s what I do when I when I read the Bible is I journal out the scripture when I’m like reading just a couple of few verses or a chapter or something, I journal out the scripture that means something to me, and then I try to pray to God through my journal. So I said, Why would God care that we not covet it’s a distraction against God’s will. So God, I want to stop any habits that tempt me to cover it. And so for me that that includes things around my ministry, like am I looking at other ministries? Am I looking at numbers? Am I that kind of thing? Another one about too much TV or movies that you know, make me make me either jealous of other people’s lives or those kinds of things. Let’s see. So anyway, so So there’s just like, What habits that’s the piece I wanted to say, What habits are tempting us to cover it? A lot of people are thinking about are big into social media. And so I mean, that’s such an easy ground to cover of be jealous of other people’s life and how much fun other people are having and and how just what their life looks like what new toy did they just purchase, you know, whatever it is, or how beautiful they look or how skinny they look or So that’s that. So for women, I want to encourage you coveting is a sin. So be careful, repent and change your habits. So, you know, if you’re, if you are thinking about the way you look so much so that you’re not free in intimacy, maybe it’s time to throw away the scale, maybe it’s time to be more interested in in other things instead of Yeah, focusing on I don’t know, following Instagram, people that are super fit and, and shaming yourself because you’re not as fit as them. Like, that’s just another form of covetousness. Alright, let’s talk to men right now. If you are, if here’s what I want to say, the way you think about women’s bodies, matters to your sex life, the way you think about women’s bodies matters to your sex life, if you think there is an ideal shape to a woman, if you think there’s a ideal, I don’t know, waistline, busline, perky, all that stuff, it’s going to affect your sex life, it’s going to affect the way your wife sees herself, which allows, which, which causes her to be insecure. So everything I just said to women, is for women’s minds and hearts. So if I was only coaching the woman, that’s where I would stop, but because you may be a man listening, you need to discipline your own heart. So that you don’t have a standard of beauty outside of your wife, your wife is the pinnacle of beauty. She is the pinnacle of beauty. I don’t think it is right, or godly, to say, Oh, this is my type. This is my type. If you married someone, she is your type. Like she the number one like she is your type. So having this idea in your head of like, Oh, well that that proportion, or that thing is is more attractive to me. Um, we all have temptations. We all have proclivities, but don’t don’t accept your sinful nature as who you are. It’s this very strange idea that some people have of like, they’re married, and yet they still are, are exploring their sexuality or their their likes, and attractiveness and all that as though they were single. When you get married, you cut off all other options. They are your only type, full stop, you’re no longer thinking, Oh, I’m into this skin color with this body shape with this face look

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and all these things. It’s like, why is your mind even going there? Like, clearly you’re not thinking about what God cares about. And if you are inundated with that kind of messaging, it’s from the world, it’s so outside of God’s will. Personally, I am extremely careful with what I watch in movies and TV and that kind of thing. Like I say that because I don’t want the world’s ideas infiltrating my mind. I would rather be aloof to what people are talking about or thinking about, rather than me being on the same wavelength and sinning in the same ways. So, like undermining of a woman’s confidence if you bring up somebody else’s beauty, or you judge somebody else’s beauty in this way, so if you say something like, wow, they really let themselves go. That makes your wife immediately think, Oh, he’s judging me that same way. If he judged someone else that way, he’s judging me that way. Or if a husband says if there’s like a game that some people play of like, gosh, it’s just ridiculous things like, If you could choose any celebrity, who would it be? You know, who’s the Who’s your favorite of the celebrities to think is beautiful or whatever. I don’t care what your answer is. It’s going to be someone other than your spouse and it’s going to make your spouse feel like that’s who you’re comparing her to. That should never be in her head ever. So your response can be Oh, my wife, you can say her name right there. Like that’s, that’s the way you respond to those kinds of situations, you should never be thinking that it’s okay to judge people with your spouse and think, Oh, this is just playful, there’s no effect. Well, if your wife isn’t as free as you want her to be in sexual intimacy, those things have effects. They have effects because every time you compare beauty or judge beauty, it helps her to know okay, well, he’s judging me the same way. He’s judging me the same way. That’s why it’s also extremely damaging for people to gossip, even with their spouse, even with your spouse, because once you hear somebody else’s gossip, you know how they judge people. And we all judge people, my heart, I’m constantly like, God, give me the grace, forgive me for that judgment helped me Help me Help me, you know, but if you’re judging people, and you’re sharing it with others, it’s a very concrete judgment and you’re in it affects the way your spouse sees you. And their confidence, their ability to be confident around you. So, so do not cover it. Do not in your heart, think it’s okay to have a, a wish that your spouse was a certain way, or looked a certain way. That’s not okay. It is okay for you to accept and adore and appreciate the specific details of your spouse, the more you think and meditate on your spouse’s beauty, it’s going to give you more interest and more attraction. I’ve heard a husband say like, when they got off their addiction of pornography, they were like, Whoa, how did I not notice the beauty of my own wife, when you start to have a single focus on your own spouse, your attraction will increase, your attraction will increase. But this is a discipline, you’ve got to decide in your own heart you’re going to do. And so if your spouse ever asked you if they look fat, or if any, any of this, they look gorgeous. They’re the they’re the daughter of the King of kings, he designed their curves, their beauty, you have royalty standing there in front of you, and you better darn give her a really good compliment. Seriously, she is amazing, regardless of her age, regardless of her weight.

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She is gorgeous. And you have to believe that and help her to believe that to

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you were given a gift when you were given your wife.

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And so it’s your opportunity to help her to believe that about herself. And it’s an opportunity for her. If you’re a wife, listening, to help yourself, believe that about yourself. And you can get to a place where you are more free with your spouse because you know, you’re not going to be judged. You know, you’re going to be accepted and loved and appreciated for who you are in intimacy, in all ways, when you are naked and open with your spouse and vulnerable. And he appreciates all that you do all that you give all that you bring. That is my goal and aim for you. And so when we don’t cover it, we are appreciating what we have, what we have been given the gift, the good things. And so I mentioned a little bit about greed earlier, but I do think it’s important to touch on it one more time. Because what is greed? But jealousy of somebody else’s wealth, right, wanting more, wanting more, wanting more. And so when we have something like a rest day, and we have decided I am content, I’m satisfied, I’m at peace. I am grateful. I am relaxed, I am free. I mean that’s that’s what helps us not be greedy. It’s what helps us not be coveting when we spend time deciding I am at peace. I am relaxed. I am resting. There was a scripture I was looking at this morning that is interesting. It’s um, First Corinthians five it talks a lot about sexual immorality. But then it talks about how it says a five verse nine, I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people. Not all meaning the sexual, sexually immoral of this world or the gradients swindlers are adulterers, since then you would need to go out of the world. But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of Brother in if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, which I think is really interesting. To me that’s this says that. Well, let me let me actually keep going, who bears the name of Brother if he is guilty of sexually immoral sexual immorality or greed? Or is an idolatry Revealer drunkard or swindler not even to eat with such a one? Four, what have I do to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church, whom you are to judge? God judges those outside? purge the evil person from among you? So here’s, here’s what I hear. There is a lot of judgment around the world around sexual immorality. I mean, homosexuality is is one of the biggest, you know, contentions that the church has with the world right now. And, you know, I’ve got, I’ve got conviction about that. But my, I’m, my biggest conviction is for us to love the world. They are not to be held to the standard of believing in Christianity when they’re not Christians, like why are we? It’s like, being angry at non Christians for not praying, because, but they’re they, they don’t believe in Jesus. So how am I going to judge them like that? Like, that’s God, it even is so clear. God judges the outsiders. But the people who call themselves Christians, that’s something that we need to be more careful about. But I think it’s really fascinating that it says, guilty of sexual immorality or greed. So obviously, with this, my work here, I’m talking about sexual immorality all the time, right? We just talked a lot about pornography, we talked a lot about, like, be satisfied with your spouse, stay in the confines of your marriage, stay with what you have. Greed is the same thing. Be satisfied with what you have, stay in the confines of what you have, stick with what God has given you. Like? Why don’t we see that is so much of a big deal? Why are we not thinking and being careful in our heart? Am I being greedy? We need to be careful. We need to be thinking about that and prayerful about that. And we need to be really conscious of what we do with our money.

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I will say that when I when I do my money in alignment with God’s heart it there is just a lightness. There is a there is a peace there is a ah, everything’s gonna be okay. Like when I give in alignment with God’s heart, I just like wow, I can exhale. But greed and I also know the feeling of greed of like, oh my gosh, I don’t have enough, I don’t have enough I have to keep this I can’t, can’t get that I get like this, this like tightness and, and it’s the same way of like, instead that just the peace of God has given me plenty, so much so that I can give. And I guess that’s the same thing I keep wanting to talk about the Sabbath. Like it’s the same idea of like, God has given me plenty, I can relax, I can be at peace. There is enough. So those are my encouragement today. When you covet others, whether it’s their money, whether it’s their spouse. It is absolutely detrimental to your ability to walk in God’s ways. So that’s what I want to encourage you of is for men and for women to be Be careful of your heart. Be careful of your mind. If adultery matters that much to God, that it’s up there, right under murder, then as a wife, you need to take it darn seriously and as a husband, you need to take it darn seriously. You both have an opportunity to discipline your heart to make sure that that is protected in your life. Because it really does matter to God. It really does matter to him. And there’s a reason our system It is obsessed with sex because it is powerful and we could even throw that up there with you know us make no idol above me. Right with where God is talking about God is number one, but so many people in this world have sex is number one, right? Whatever is gonna make them a better player, whatever is gonna make them get more hookups, whatever is gonna make them more popular so they can get, you know, whatever. I mean, we need to be conscious, you know, greed is also another idol of our, of our society. So I would love for you to just this week, meditate on? Where is your heart? Are you coveting others? Or are you content with what God has given you, and living within that, to pursue his call in your life that we’re not running around like Martha distracted, but instead, we’re married, where we’re fixated on what Jesus has for us. So that’s what I want for you. Let’s go ahead and pray. Father, thank you so much for the person listening. It’s so beautiful that your law brings us closer to your heart, God. It is. It’s an important thing, that you gave us these these principles to live by when we when we give ourselves to them, you. You bless us in a way in in the inside, it doesn’t promise that we’ll be blessed on the outside necessarily, but we live in a way that’s different. We live in love and act like Jesus did. Jesus talked so much about greed, and how destroy and destructive it is give us the grace to to evaluate our own perceptions of more, whether it’s more money, whether it’s more access, or what have you with coveting in any realm, in every realm. Give us the grace, I pray for this particular person that you would bless their marriage, bless their hearts, bless them for the nugget of insight that you wanted them to have from this conversation, Lord.

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Bring them closer to yourself, you have such an eye on them, you care about them, you want them closer to your heart, and I pray that you would give them the grace to grow closer to you even this moment, they would, they would leave this episode with a renewed sense of contentment. In their heart, in Jesus name. Amen. I do have one action item for you. Something that I do every morning is I write out 10 things I’m grateful for. And especially with where our world is right now, there’s a lot of hardship and heartache and difficulty. And that helps me to recognize you know, what, if there’s lots of things to be sad about, but I have at least 10 things to be grateful for. I at least have done things to be grateful, though I’ve got socks on, I’ve got my coffee, my Bible, there’s, you know, my kids are not screaming in the background, I don’t have anything stuck in my teeth, there’s just there are things to be grateful for. And that seeds. It’s SOS seeds of contentment in your heart. So I want to encourage you to try that out. And if you can’t get to 10, start out by two every morning, and then see if you can grow to three and see if you can get to 10 Eventually. And I’ll tell you on the hard days when it’s like storming out or there’s something really on my mind, I, I decide I’m committing to more than that. So for example, I don’t know today, I got to 23. Yesterday was a was a difficult day for me. So I got up to 32. And it really helped. It really helps. So I encourage you to start, start trying that out. Just to set your morning in a way of contentment, and gratitude to God for all that He has given you and what you do have. All right, wonderful. Well, thank you for listening, I do have a free resource that I’d love for you to have to get a bit more insight on the way. God wants you to love your spouse the way that they receive love. And I’d love to give you a free download. It’s called delight your marriage.com/framework. So that that’s the website. And it’s a framework. It’s a PDF kind of explaining this framework of like, what matters most to a husband what matters most to wife. So when they’re filled up in those ways, they naturally respond to fill up their spouse. All right, God bless you. Thank you so much for listening, and I look forward to talking to you next week.

44:47
Bye

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Have you been hurt? Have you been disappointed?

By your spouse. By those you love. By God.

I think the answer has to be yes. Disappointment is part of the human experience.

Jesus was disappointed and hurt by those he loved. But he somehow put his disappointments in a category where it didn’t slow down his mission to do God’s will.

In this episode, I share how I felt disappointed by my husband and went about things the wrong way.

And I share what I should have done (let this be a lesson to you

Yes, I’ll share how to motivate your spouse to do what you want, but more importantly what to do if they don’t. It’s a perspective shift that’s required if you’re going to have a healthy and happy marriage.

But also I share how to have less disappointments and be less hurt by your spouse.

If you’ve been disappointed by God, I want to speak to that as well.

Especially as this pandemic is taking it’s toll on so many in so many different ways, we can easily get disappointed at God. How could he do this? How could He allow this?

How does He not stop this? I want to speak to this.

I aim to comfort you and help you process your disappointments and give you a road map of how to have a much better sense of control when you are seeking to heal things with your spouse.

Love & blessings,

Belah

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. Hi, there, welcome. This is belah rose. And I’m really grateful that you are joining me, it has been a little while since we have talked. And I want to just apologize that I have not been able to put out a podcast regularly over the last few weeks, I’ve been putting out a lot of content, but for my clients for my students. So anyway, I’m really aiming to get better at this. So this is, yeah, this is the plan to get back, get back on track to regularity. So thank you for for joining today. So here is what I want to talk about is disappointment, expectations, and boundaries. So what I think it is, is that a lot of people have expectations in their marriage that go unmet, and then they get disappointed. And they’re hurt. And the cycle continues and continues. And so what I want to do is give you a roadmap for how to deal with disappointments, with yourself, with God, with your spouse with other people. And the key to that is boundaries. So I’m going to start out with a silly story. Depending on where you are in the world, you may be in lockdown. For us in New York City, we have been locked down for four months and starting I guess, middle of March. So that means that just you know, no close physical contact with people, aside from you know, wearing our masks in the park. But we’re just not doing that a whole lot because we’re really focused on social distancing. So that’s where we are in all of this. But kind of hilariously, in our own apartment. We live in a one bedroom in New York, but we have two children. So what we did was we actually built a room inside the apartments for our boys, which is enough space for their bunk bed and you know, a few things here and there. But it comes out of the living room, and then the living room area is still you know, a good, good amount of space for them to play and all that stuff. So yeah, so hilariously, during COVID, we have had kind of a crisis situation in our apartment, which has allowed which has required the boys to sleep in the living room, they can’t sleep in their own bed. And so we have been working on this to to solve it. And, yeah, it’s taken four months. So I have gotten to a spot where I really like things to be clean. I like order I like organization. And I feel stressed when things are out of order and out of my preferred organization. So thankfully, I have a boundary that our boys are not allowed in our room. So our room is totally off limits, I think that’s a really wise choice for parents to do for their children is to not allow them to come in. So there’s never a concern that oh my gosh, my kids are going to interrupt me or they’re going to find something in my room that’s you know, some sexual paraphernalia and we’re all going to you know, have trauma. So, but a wonderful perk about that is my room is spotless, generally speaking, because I I know that’s what makes me live the best life is if I have a space that is just totally mine totally clean. And so and I guess the question is, you know, when I when I walk out of this room, the the rest of the apartment is generally pretty messy, pretty disheveled. And the question is, am I disappointed that, you know, the problems haven’t been solved already and we can’t get the boys back into their room. I mean, if I look and compare other people solve these problems within You know, a week, and it’s taken us four months?

5:04
If I really think about it, yes, I think I am disappointed. I mean, my husband could be going into overdrive to fix this. But the truth of the matter is, I don’t want to fix this. Personally, I don’t want to at all, if I am expecting someone else to fix this, then how can I get angry that they’re not doing what I want to be done? I’m perfectly capable, I’ve got hands and legs and feet, and I can, I can get something done. If it is my, you know, goal and wish for it to be accomplished. So, with all that said, you know, why am I going to be disappointed at my husband? For something that I could do? Is it truly His responsibility? If I care to look, the truth is, he’s actually been doing an amazing job with everything that’s on his plate. And I’m so grateful that I have a room that I can be completely in control of, and at peace, and when I am here, you know, everything’s in order. So, I think the important thing I want to pull out of here is, if we feel disappointment with our spouse, it’ll seep out in in big and small ways. So a couple of weeks ago, I decided that I had had it, and that we needed to get the boys back in their room immediately, because I felt like I was camping. And just so you know, I hate camping. And the funny thing is, it’s because it’s so disorganized. I grew up in a place where we literally camped on the properly property while the house was being built. And then we moved into the house before there was electricity. And you know, we washed our dishes in the stream and things like that. For several years before we got electricity, we would do our homework by lantern light. So yeah, so I’m familiar with camping, and I don’t like it. I will say my sister responded to those warm fuzzy memories with she loves camping and she goes camping all the time. I do not, because I hate it. It’s so disorganized, there’s a ton of work you have to do before you leave. And there’s even more work you have to do when you get home. And for some reason, every time I have ever gone camping in my life, which I have gone a couple dozen times the temperatures are either freezing, which I’ve never actually checked the temperature. So it’s possible they weren’t but still very cold. Or it it rained and stormed. So, um, so yeah, so that is a bad feeling. When I feel like I’m going camping in my own apartment. Um, so anyway, I was in anger mode, when I was presenting this to my husband. I shared it in a not so respectful way with my husband, now, I’ve come to a place where I don’t generally accuse my husband, accusations of well, you’re not doing this or you’re not doing that. But because I I could, I had an attitude of he is the one at fault here. He’s the one that’s not doing enough. It’s it was gonna seep out. Like it’s just kind of a natural thing. And so he became demotivated to help. Because the truth is, when we force others to do things, they no longer want to do it out of self motivation, then they just do it from a place of resentment, because they’re being forced to. And that is not something you want your spouse to be in. You want your spouse to do things out of their own motivation, their own desire. And so, what should I have done instead? While I should have figured out my own boundary issue, because essentially, I should have realized that I can fix the problem. I am a fully capable adult that can fix this. It doesn’t have to be on my husband’s plate. And because I’m, you know, assuming that he’s the one that’s going to do this, I’m getting hurt and angry. You know, usually anger is just a cover over

9:49
hurt. But it’s because I had an unreasonable expectation and expectation on someone else, that they didn’t agree too, it wasn’t conscience conscious. It wasn’t spoken. And it may have been realistic, but we hadn’t even gotten that far to agree on it. So that’s actually Pete’s caseros. He, I’ve talked about him a lot. He’s a pastor in Queens, and he runs a course called Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, and one of or emotionally healthy relationships, maybe he runs both of those. But anyway, one of the skills in that is recognizing that your expectations, they, they have to be four things for them to be appropriate, they have to be conscious, they have to be spoken. They have to be agreed to by the other person. And they have to be realistic. So the three of the four, those were not appropriate expectations for me to get angry at my spouse, because how was he supposed to know that I wanted it done in two weeks? And, and, you know, did he agreed to do it within two weeks? And are we even having that? You know, consciously presented? No, I’m just angry because I, I want things the way I want them when I want them. And that’s not. Yeah, that’s not the way to, I think, to live well. And at the same time it to recognize, you know, I’m getting frustrated, because I’ve been doing this camping deal in my own apartment for four months. So I’m really, I’m ready for things to be nice. So what what could if done, after doing the work of realizing, okay, this is my problem, this is not his problem, this is my problem. Well, the thing I needed to do is, is express the desire, so that that expectation is no longer unspoken, it’s spoken. And it’s conscious, and he has the opportunity to agree to it or not. Because then if I expressed the desire, and it’s clear, he’s not interested in doing it, then I am empowered now to fix it. So here’s the way I think wisely to an express and a desire to your spouse. So basically, you could say, Honey, I’d love us to get the boys back in their rooms, I feel stressed that things are so disheveled in our home. So one thing you’ll notice, is I said, I would love to get us back into the room. So it’s very much a expressing my own desire, rather than saying, let’s get the kids back in the room, I’m getting stressed. So that’s a covert command. When you say let’s, because that’s requiring their action, which means you’re telling them what to do. Let’s do this, we should do this, we need to do this. Those are covert commands. And that makes anyone go back and decide, oh, I don’t like the way that sounds. I don’t like the way that feels, especially your spouse. They’re very sensitive to that, especially men. They’re very sensitive that but women are too. So when you say I’d love to, it’s more vulnerable. But it’s also recognizing that you don’t have control over them, you only have control over you. And you can share that desire. And then the next piece is I could have just opened up with what are you thinking. And I have to say that in a curious way. Because if I say it in a passive aggressive way, or in a way that I have to be really conscious of my tone, but the tone comes from my attitude, it comes from my heart. So I really need to be aware of that. I can just say, What are you thinking? And that that gives him the opportunity to decide what he wants to do, and to even share how or what he has been thinking. Because let’s say he has had a plan this whole time. And you know, there’s more details to the story that I didn’t realize and X, Y and Z because, you know, you and your spouse see things differently and are given different strengths by God’s grace. So you’re not going to see everything your spouse does see things you don’t see and and giving them the space and opportunity to share. What they’re thinking is is very helpful. But you have to do it with a curious heart. You can’t do it with a Come on, man,

14:50
get this together. You’ve got to have a curious heart. So if you take notes on my podcast, I hope this is something you’ll write down So honey, I’d love us to x. So I’d love us to get the boys back in their rooms. And then the next piece is I feel I feel stressed that things are so disheveled in our home, that I feel peace is very clear. It helps. It helps you identify, and it helps motivate the other person. Because the truth of the matter is your spouse does want you to be happy, that’s a big priority in their life, you are a big priority to them. So they want your feelings to be important. But be careful that you don’t go into I feel like XYZ because when you say I feel like or I feel that those are no longer feeling words, and they’re generally getting towards an accusation. So I feel you need to use an actual feeling word which is hurt, upset, angry, frustrated, lonely, disappointed, regret guilty. All of these, you know, we could go on and on. Those are feeling words. And that’s important to clarify. What am I feeling? What is this situation causing me to feel? Or how am I reacting in this situation and if feeling a certain way, doesn’t mean that your feelings going to be perfect, it just you can share how you are feeling. So honey, I’d love for us to get back in their in their rooms, get the boys back in their rooms, I feel stressed that things are so disheveled. I’m curious what you’re thinking. And that, again, gives him the opportunity to share what what’s on his on his agenda. What is he thinking? Or is this something that that he’s just as fed up as me and and maybe I have the the gumption and the passion, the ability to make a ton of phone calls and figure things out, so that this situation is resolved, which is fine, we just need to talk about it without accusing or demotivating the other person. So there have been times aside from the story that I have been really disappointed with my husband, and there are times that he has been really disappointed with me. And there are also times that I have been really disappointed with people. And there are also times that I have been disappointed with God. And I think the way we need to be thinking about this is things like disappointment and sadness and feelings of reject being rejected. And there’s lots of feelings that are negative. And it’s important for us as humans to guard our heart. That’s what Proverbs 423 says, Above all else, guard your heart for everything you do flows from it. So if you have felt disappointed by others, if you felt disappointed by your spouse, I think this is going to help you because when you guard your heart, you aren’t as exposed to hurt. And there’s lots of ways to guard your heart. But one of the big ones is to check your expectations. I think one of the reasons the word covet is in the 10 commandments as something we should not do. Do not cover your you know neighbor’s wife or I don’t know what all it says house or oxen I feel like that’s included. But like the point is their possessions what they live, who they are, who they’re married to, when you covet them. You now are comparing your life to theirs and you’re expecting that to be included in your life. Now you’re now you’re frustrated with your life because if they can do it, I should be able to do it. Or if they have that I should be able to have that and it and it makes your expectations probably raise and it sews discontentment in your heart. So, if we are guarding our heart, we are careful about what our expectations are.

19:51
And I believe that it’s a very biblical notion to guard your heart and even from your spouse. So I use this example a lot, but I’m going to share it because I think we really will listen, we listen to people who have awesome marriages. And we forget that they had a process to get there. So, when I’m talking to my husband, we’re at a 10 out of 10 kind of marriage, like we’re at a nine out of 10. On the bad days, like by God’s grace, we’ve gotten to a place where our marriages amazing, like literally, like, amazing for so many reasons. But we didn’t, we didn’t get there. By doing what we do. Right now, we had to go through a process to get there. So when we were back at a, you know, four out of 10 marriage, on the bad days, a two out of 10, sometimes up to a five, maybe up to a six on the really good days, you know, just kind of a roller coaster really what, what I want to share with you is the process to get higher up on the on the scale wasn’t to employ the way we live. Now, it was to employ a process of system to get to where we are now. So you get to a place of, you know, let’s say you’re at a three out of 10. Okay, you start to be more careful with your words, you have lower expectations of your spouse, you guard your heart, you don’t expect them to you know your husband and bring you flowers and give you a foot rub and all the things that you’re honestly comparing you to your husband to another person’s husband, or as a husband, you’re comparing your wife to oh my gosh, she’s so sexually free, and she’s so sexually generous, etc. But instead, you guard your heart, you you have low expectations, because you guys are a three out of 10 You can’t you can’t expect to get 10 out of 10 treatment from your spouse when you guys emotionally. You know, maritally, healthily, I’m using too many words, your marital health is a three out of 10, you will not receive the treatment of a 10 out of 10. Spouse. That’s just, that’s impossible. So if you have expectations that are low based on where you guys are, then okay, now I’m a three out of 10. How do I get to a four out of 10? Well, let me guard my heart, but also act in a way that’s going to move the ball forward. So if you have low expectations of your spouse, but you decide you know what, I’m going to love my spouse, I’m going to do the things that are matter to them. I’m going to, I’m going to be active in changing this situation. But you can’t have the expectation that they’re going to respond as though you guys were 10 out of 10, you’re not, you’re out of three out of 10. But as you put in the work, to change things to shift things, then it’ll go to a four out of 10. And as you keep doing the work, you keep your head down, you keep doing the stuff, it’ll get to a five out of 10. And slowly, slowly, slowly, you’ll get there. But if you have high expectations, because you’re doing all this work, that is going to discourage you, it’s going to disappoint you. And it’s going to cause you to be resentful, rather than motivated to keep going. I love a phrase suffer the discipline of sorry, suffer the pain of discipline, or the pain of regret. And so if you are disappointed with your spouse, suffer the pain of discipline, be disciplined to change your marriage don’t suffer the pain of regret based on you know who your kids grew up to be or what what kind of relationship you have with your spouse when you’re empty nesters or divorce or just so many difficult things.

24:35
But we’ve got to start somewhere. So we’ve got to start where we are. So again, guard your heart, have low expectations, but do the things that are going to move you up the scale. And if you want to know what those are. I’ve got a whole lot of episodes that tell you what they are. Or are you coming to a course with me, but that is what I want to encourage you. So how do you deal with some of these disappointments because they’re real and they’re hurtful, and it feels lonely? Like, why did I can’t share with my spouse my feelings? Well, here’s, here’s the way I see it. When God tells us to love him, with all of our heart, with all of our soul, with all of our mind, and with all of our strength, that is the first and greatest commandment. Like, that’s it like, God does not tell us to love our spouse, with all our heart with all your soul, with all our mind and with all our strength. He doesn’t. And a lot of times we mix that up. We think that our spouse is elevated above God, and it’s so wrong. And it’s so destructive. Because when our spouse disappoints us, we blame it on God. And it’s just like, what? God didn’t disappoint you. That was your spouse, that was always a human that messed up. Um, and both of you did in different ways, right? No, no one’s no one’s perfect in a situation one of you can always be more effective. So what I want to encourage you is your disappointment, has a safe place with God, you can share your heart with God, you can trust him with your heart, with your feelings, with your worries with your cares with your desires. He is trustworthy. Now, here’s the question, though I think a lot of people struggle with and I have struggled with and I’m hoping this gives you some insight. The question is, has God disappointed you? So I am a very positive person. I have a lot of faith for God to perform miracles in my heart, in my life in other people’s hearts and lives. I prayed for physical healings. And my brother was raised from the dead. If you haven’t heard that episode, please, please go back and listen to it. It’s absolutely incredible. It’s something like last week, my brother was found without a pulse. I think that’s the title. Another one it was my son was healed of a blind eye. That wasn’t even that long ago. Another one was my sister’s surgery that should have resulted in a disfiguration or disfigurement. But I had a dream that you wouldn’t be able to see it and you can’t see it. It can’t You can’t see this disfigurement. But another just these are just random times that I’ve seen in my life prayer, change things. But my sister’s headache, completely went away after prayer. I remember a college friend that I prayed for his back was healed. I do have great faith. I don’t take credit for this. It’s actually I think, a natural proclivity. I think God has given me that. And I think God uses me to help inspire others to have faith in those in their own situations. Which I think is why I can do this work, because change cannot happen without faith. And I think secular people know this, people who don’t believe in Jesus, they know this, like, have you heard of the law of attraction, there was a very popular movie and book came out several years ago, called The Secret. And there’s just lots of thoughts like that around, like, if you feel it, if you believe it, if you visualize it, you’ll get it like whatever it is, and that’s faith. Right? Wealthy people know this, they get more wealth, because they believe in themselves. If you’ve ever heard of vision boards, that’s, that’s, that that’s a tool of faith. You know, all of these items, I think our tools have faith. And, and faith is God’s. But secular people use it for results because it works. Just like prayer and meditation is God’s, but secular people use it for results. The difference is who you are giving the credit to who you are giving the glory to.

29:18
And I think another piece that’s really important, and this is a bit of a side, but I really think this is important. If we don’t believe that faith works outside of Christianity as well. We assume God is leading us based on our outside circumstances rather than based on the inner the inner introspection, inquiry connection relationship with God, we just assume if something happens outside of us, it must mean God is leading me in that direction. So for example, you get a job offer across the country. And the assumption is, Well, God must have given me favor he opened the door So I have got to walk through it. And I just don’t think that is true. There are lots of doors Jesus walked through, that we’re going to be painful and dangerous and bad. He was even warned that he was going to get killed if he went to that city. And he went, because that’s where the Holy Spirit was leading him. Even Paul, I think I can’t remember the full details. But I think he was ended up being shipwrecked after though he knew he was going to get persecuted in a certain place. And he went there anyway, like that was because of the inner leading of the Holy Spirit. But if we assume that God is the only one that works in, in the way of faith, like, I guess I want to say that faith works. But you have to be careful. If this is God’s way and God’s season, and God’s will. That’s, you have to be careful, you have to know God, you can’t just tell, you know, decide, oh, this happened. So it was a sign I must be, you know, I must have to do this, or I must not do that, or what have you sometimes. You know, it says in the world, we’re going to have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world, like, we’re not guaranteed a good, a good, happy, peaceful life here. That’s that’s not what the church founders experienced. If that’s what they were going to base their faith on, then they, you know, they were sadly, you know, they would, they would have lost it. But they base their faith on a relationship with Jesus, they base their faith on that, not their outward experience. So I think God has given me a gift of faith, to help others to encourage others. In Hebrews 11, six, it says, Without faith, it is impossible to please Him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that He exists, and that He rewards those who seek Him. So the type of faith that pleases God is believing God exists, and believing that He rewards those who seek Him. And then, the writer of Hebrews gives examples of the people who, who walked by faith. And there were even experiences where it talks about how Abraham was promised something, but he didn’t actually see the fruition of the promise. And so my encouragement to you is that you have to have faith in Jesus to to please him, Have faith in God to please Him, and have faith that he’s gonna reward you if you seek Him. But it doesn’t mean reward you in this life, it may mean that you’re gonna have a really cool mansion, and some really amazing jewels on your crown when you get to heaven. So my encouragement to you is that if you have your, your expectations of God, in this way that, you know, if I’m a good Christian, then he is going to do X, Y, and Z. The truth of the matter is he never, he doesn’t promise it that way. That’s not That’s not a biblical kind of thing. Sometimes he’s gracious, sometimes he works in those ways. But it doesn’t even mean that you are in line with God’s will, that you have gotten, I don’t know a lot of money or a lot of fame, or a lot of that doesn’t mean those are not equal. Our society thinks they’re equal, but they’re just not.

34:08
They’re just not. In fact, there’s so much in the Bible that runs completely counter to that notion, for example, it talks so many times I think it’s like 16 times, at least in Proverbs, where it says, wisdom is more valuable than Ruby, rubies and silver and gold. I mean, it’s so important that we are more more careful about our, our mindset and our wisdom and our thoughts and our heart than we are about, you know, worldly goals. So, the other piece that I think is helpful, too to know his, his his my disappointment with God was severe. You know, when I was married the first time I fasted and prayed for that mirror I stood on the word, I relied on God’s power, I had faith that things would turn around. And I was one of those people that like, prayed for people in restaurants that I didn’t know, like the waitress or whatever. Like, that was the mindset I was in. Not that that is a bad thing, guys, really, I’m not saying that’s bad. But I, I had significant faith. And I think the thing that I struggled with, and I think a lot of people struggle with is, I am believing for x. I have faith for x. But how do I, how do I handle it? If he doesn’t come through? How do I handle it? If God disappoints, but here’s what I have come to that, I think, allows me to love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength, and have faith for what he wants in my life. And trust him for miracles and have faith that that I’m not, I’m not dis dissuaded by by him not doing something that I was praying for. I have faith for x. But I will be okay. If x doesn’t come through, because I trust God more. So for example, I can lay hands on this person and ask God to heal, but I will be okay if he doesn’t, because I trust God more than I trust, whether or not he decides to act in this moment. My trust is in God. And I’m just, you know, if I can be, you know, his pawn, if you will, I have to be faithful for him to do the work he wants to do and get the actual glory for it. You know, it doesn’t mean that he’s always going to get the glory when when he does act and respond to our prayers. But I’ll tell you, it’s a it’s a lot easier. If you can pray, and even publicly, and God

37:25
acts, and then he gets the glory for it, it changes people’s lives.

37:31
But if you don’t have faith enough to to do that, then you know, you’re worried about being disappointed by God, it’s like, Well, you probably are going to be because you don’t, you’re not willing to trust God. Right? That’s what Hebrews 11 talks about, you have to have faith, you have to believe that God exists, you have to believe that he exists. So what am I trying to say here is, as I want you to have boundaries, around your expectations, around your expectations of God around your expectations of your spouse around your expectations of people. Boundaries, make your life easier, because what they are are decisions, you decide something, which means you put boundaries around your path, you know, you decided to get married. So there are boundaries around it, you can’t, you can’t go with other options. You’ve got, you’ve made a decision. Now there’s boundaries around things like you’re probably living together, hopefully, you’re living together, you’re you know, you’re faithful, you can’t go start hanging out with other other people of the opposite sex in a in a intimate setting. You know, decisions are boundaries, boundaries are decisions, you decide on something, which means you put a boundary around that path, you decided to meet someone for dinner at 6pm. That means that you can’t go to the grocery store, you can’t go to the movies, and you can’t clean your bathroom at that time. Every other option has been cut off because you decided on something. And so when you decide it means that you can settle it settles you, it helps you to feel less up in the air. It’s one of those like automatic when this happens. This happens when x happens when Y happens. It’s very easy. It’s very clear in your head you you have a place to rest. If this happens, God forbid we already have a plan. If the worst happens, here’s the plan. boundaries on your expectations of your spouse, of your kids of yourself. Have your god your God being our God, the One True God. It helps you not to die of broken heartedness, which I think is what happens Ben’s so frequently as we leave, we leave situations brokenhearted. And, and we, and we, you know, we end our relationship, whether it’s with God, a friend or spouse, because we’re brokenhearted, we’re so disappointed. So we can align our faith with God’s will, and heart here on Earth. But we can’t go away from God, when He chooses not to answer in the way we think he should, if we really believe like, the Bible teaches that his thoughts are higher than our thoughts that His ways are higher than our ways. You know, it even says, higher than the heavens are above the earth are my are his thoughts higher than our thoughts? Are his ways higher than our ways? Like, if you can imagine that, like, even just imagine being in an airplane and looking down, like, at some point, people are small as ants, and eventually you can’t even see them? They’re so tiny. Like, that’s how different and it’s even far more than that, because I don’t even know where the heavens are. So far more than that. But let’s say it’s the, you know, in the galaxy somewhere, you know, in space, but think about how far that is. If we think about like, how can our pea sized brain I mean, compared to God, it’s it’s not even a grain of sand, the dramatic difference of like, how can we expect to understand his perspective, and the choices he’s making and the decisions he’s making? Why, why is our expectation that we not only should understand it, but should he he should bow to our will? Like, that’s an expectation that is so far from reality. It’s, it’s so out there, it’s so wrong. But we assume that, you know, I don’t know, I don’t know what you assume about God that makes you think that expectation is appropriate. Because Have you read through, and I encourage you to read through Hebrews 11. But if you read through it, it’s very clear that these guys were aware that God was way bigger than them. And they did it by faith. They did it by faith.

42:35
Now, it may be helpful to know that, that when we are going through difficult times, and a lot of people are going through difficult times right now, there are purposes to God’s choices that we will never know. Sometimes it is helpful for us to just recognize that there is purpose to our suffering, I think suffering can be a training ground. Jesus was in the desert for 40 days fasting, like, ah, not only are you in the desert, but you’re literally eating nothing. I don’t know if he was drinking water. But the point is, that was hard. But that gave him the fortitude to suffer for another three years, until ultimately he suffered on the cross. When in an instant, he could have come off that cross. A lot of times we think Jesus going to the cross was the ultimate sacrifice. But a lot of times I think that Jesus, I mean, he suffered throughout his whole life. I don’t know what he did during the years between 12 and 30. But I believe there was a lot of suffering in that because I just don’t think that you can get wisdom. If you don’t suffer. It doesn’t. Those things don’t. They don’t jive with each other. Somebody hasn’t gone through it. They don’t get insight. They don’t. It’s not deep. But when you’ve gone through the fire that I mean, it’s it’s pure it’s, it’s better. See, Jesus didn’t have high expectations for his friends. You know why? Because no one treated Jesus the way he deserved to be treated no one. And yet, Jesus gave his life for his friends. Friends who betrayed Him, who didn’t believe him, who denied they even knew him and he knew this in advance. He knew that he was doing this he knew he decided to die for them ahead of time. Yes, it hurt when they hurt him. But he made up his His mind ahead of time, he decided that my pain will not affect my decision to love God, to follow God’s will, he decided that my suffering will not affect my decision to love these people that God has given me. And that’s what I hope our heart becomes that our pain will not affect our decision to love God, our pain, our suffering will not affect our decision to love our spouse to love the people in our care. So I’m just going to give you some decisions ahead of time that helped me not get disappointed. And these are just some of them are random decisions, but some of them are just to illustrate the idea that when we make decisions, it helps us we don’t have to, when we have a flat out decision, if this then this, that’s a boundary that makes our life easier, then then in the hard moments, we don’t, we’re not brokenhearted, we’re not scared, we’re like, that’s, that’s the decision I’ve already made. You don’t have to figure it out. In the in the moment, you’ve already made the decision, it’s done. Okay, so about my kids, these some of these are silly, my kids will eat three meals a day. Another one, I will not call them names. Another one, I will not curse around them. Another one, I will say I’m sorry, when I make a mistake with them. Some decisions around ahead of time that I’ve made around my job, I will not lie, I will confront sin with my clients who have given me authority in their life to do so I will tie their income to our church and on top of that give at least 10% of the gross income of the business to the poor. So those are just again, just I don’t have to make those decisions, because they’re already made, they’re already done. That’s our policy, right? I didn’t even think about that until just now another word for boundary. Another word for

47:16
decision is policy. That’s that’s flat out. That’s the way it is some decisions I’ve made for my marriage ahead of time, as a wife, I’m going to make love to my husband at least three times a week, I’m going to be engaged and enthusiastic, regardless of how I feel. Even if I’m physically not feeling well, I will be creative and make sure this happens. That’s my decision ahead of time. Another decision that really helps is if he cheats through porn or physically, eventually, I would forgive him, not because he would deserve it, but because the purpose of our marriage and our kids future is more important. Another one is I will be generous with my visuals and variety, even when I feel fat and not good enough about my body. So these are just a couple of examples of what I, as a wife have decided, in my heart, this is I’m going to have a good attitude about these things. These are on drudgery, right? These are exciting things about about the way I get to live, the opportunity I have. And so here’s another one around what I would I would like husbands, I would like my students and those of you that that trust my thoughts. I’d like you to have these as your decisions, dear husbands, I’m going to romance my wife regardless if she has sex with me. Another one, I’m going to listen to her and care about her feelings not because of what I will get back. But because she’s a daughter of God. Another one, I will not be sexually unfaithful in Act, or in thought, not because she deserves it. But because God is my God. And he cares about my fidelity and I answered to him. Another one that just came to mind that superduper important that I hadn’t prepared to share but this is just vital for me is I will endeavor not to disrespect my husband, in my words. And that’s just so important as a wife to be careful about that. So, I want to wrap with this idea of you know what, what is it that we went through today? We went through the nature of disappointments comes very often from our expectations. And depending on where you are right now in your marriage, you need to match Your expectation level with how healthy your marriages that level. So if it’s three out of 10, your expectations are a three out of 10 level, which will help you be more persistent in moving the ball forward. Because you know, there’s no way your spouse is going to respond to you and attend and attend level if you guys are to three out of 10 don’t have that expectation. And then the last piece that I really focused a lot of attention on is God’s, the way God’s set up the world is not based on he’s gonna give us a lot of good things in response to our good deeds. That’s just not it’s not biblical, if it didn’t happen to Jesus. So, so lowering your expectations not only guards your heart but allows you to be a better follower of God. So that’s my encouragement for you today. Let’s go ahead and pray. Lord, you know that I have struggled with disappointments, you know, I have struggled with disappointments in myself, disappointments, and you disappointments and my, my husband, my my friends, my clients, my people I love. I have felt disappointment. And I know Jesus that you felt disappointment in, in those who loved. And I ask God that the person listening, the disappointments they’re dealing with right now, around their spouse around people they love even around you, Father, that You would comfort them. You would help them to let those go, help them to forgive, help them to even forgive in advance, knowing that you know what they’re going to do something to love their spouse, and they’re going to in advance, forgive their spouse for not responding well.

52:10
And that’s actually guarding their heart until things get better and better and better. And then they can have more appropriate expectations, because their marriage is healthier. So God I just asked that. As they write out some decisions that they have made about their marriage that is going to guard their heart, for the tough times they already have the decisions made they already have the boundaries set. Lord, I ask that you would give them the grace to to walk by those those are hard things to walk by but but but they are they’re going to make their life easier. Ultimately, the pain of discipline rather than the pain of regret. Father, thank you for your love. Thank you that you’re with this person listening you are with them even right now. And I pray God that you would heal their heart of the past disappointments and give them the grace to lower their expectations. So they do not have more of these hurts and pains that they they have boundaries around their heart in the way that you want them to. In Jesus name, Amen. All right, I love you and and thank you for spending the time with me. I look forward to talking to you next week is the aim. Alright, I’m going to work much harder to be on track here with you because I really value you and I really value the fact that you listen to me on a regular basis. I love you.

53:50
Bye

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Hi there,

Hoping you’re well? In challenges, my aim is to keep showing up and helping inspire and empower you to have a wonderful marriage and intimacy in it. To that end…

This is Part 2 of my Interview with my husband about his perspectives on fatherhood (and why that makes me so attracted to him!)

Is it his ripped abs and amazing biceps?

​ Well… let’s just say he’s got a very healthy “dad bod” going on right now.

Truth is, the attraction may have started out physical, but became emotional. Because that emotional attraction is there, it flows back into a physical desire for intimacy.

So, if you’re concerned that the “Quarantine 15” (aka weight you put on because of being in the house all the time) has left you less attractive to your spouse, I’d say worry more about your character, which will attract her to you.

To answer the question: what makes me so attracted to this man?

His sincerity. Kindness. Genuine care for me and our family… that makes me want to love him in all the spicy ways possible.

Just by tuning in, I think you can “catch” his heart and emulate it.

​​Check out the episode: 253-The Sexiest Dad Alive! Interview with My Husband, Part 2

And as an added bonus: it’s more efficient than the hours in the gym… it’s about what’s inside.

Blessings,
Belah

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. All right, welcome, welcome. I’m so grateful that you are here. This is part two of my interview with my husband. And he just continues this beautiful conversation around really revealing the man that he is, and why I’m so attracted to him, because of who he is not because of some highfalutin thing that the men listening can’t become, it’s actually the things they can become the attitudes and the perspectives and the character that they can emulate. That’s what women are really craving. So I’m so excited for you to listen to the second part. So let’s go ahead and dive in.

1:08
I don’t know if I said this before, when I said, you know, if, when you were a kid, when you were a kid, and you want to a person when that person wasn’t there, and then be that person and then be the person with your kids. That you didn’t have it. You know, what, my dad, he did the best that he can to love me, you know, not the best diet man, I I hate these men. For so many years, what he has done to my mom, I hate so much. And I feel like I did not have peace in my heart. You know, even my some of my siblings that they keep telling me that yeah, I I want to talk that because the way that he and I feel like I did not have peace because I have not forgiven him. Until I feel like I’m a you know what, I don’t have peace. And if I made a mistake with my kids, when they grow up, they will say, I don’t want to talk to the I don’t want to talk to my dad because he say these things to me like no, I want to get have peace in their heart. By forgive them that person is you know, they are dads I feel like love us the way that they think is best. It did not show we did not feel that it was love, you know, yelling at us or tell us all certain things that do not help us to be a better human beings in that impact for the rest of our lives. And we we pass through our kids in I feel I don’t I don’t. I decided I don’t know, I want to do that to my kids. I want to do that on positive way. You know, and now you know a lot my dad and and we are we are okay. You know, at least in my heart, I’m okay. I’m not wanting to impress anyone about I’m doing better than you are better than them. Or I feel like I’m I know I’m doing the best that I can for me for my wife and my family. And that reflects everything around. And yes.

3:25
So that’s awesome. Um, a couple other things I’d love to jump in. Is that all right? So one thing he said is he feels honored that I share my emotions with him. And as a as a wife, that is a very powerful statement and a powerful way of thinking. I can’t I really can’t express what an aphrodisiac that is. That attitude towards my emotions towards my feelings, draws me to him like nothing else. So my invitation to you, dear husband is that. Just see if you can write this down, put it on your phone, like remind yourself over and over and over again. This phrase, I feel honored that she shares her emotions with me. I feel honored that she shares her emotions with me. One thing I wanted to say is what happens sometimes or a lot of times, I think is that men will listen to my podcast and I’ll talk about penny. I’ll talk about intimacy. I’ll talk about freedom at for a wife and all these things. And they’ll think in their head. I wish my wife felt like that. Well, let me tell you, dear gentlemen, well, women are listening to this podcast when they’re listening to my husband speak. They are feeling that way in their heart. Oh, I wish my husband was like that. Ah, I wish my husband was like that. Like literally there are heart pains and hurt hurts and wishes that their husband had the character of the man I get to sit beside. That’s why I am the way I am in intimacy. Because this is who my husband is, I cannot like, again, I’m getting chills, I cannot underscore that enough. Like, even you know, by God’s grace, this masculinity reclaimed program just kicked off for the second week, I’m already seeing big changes in people’s marriages, like God does this, but you have to change who you are on the inside, who you are on the inside. And, you know, somebody even just emailed me, I think, a couple days ago to say that his wife is doing things in intimacy, she’s never done in years, years, never done. And yet she doesn’t even know he’s doing the program. So God is a God that transforms. But as a man, you have the opportunity of transforming who you are. So again, this, this may feel like, oh, there’s, there’s, you know, there, I’m a focus guy, I want a topic and I want it to be, I want to dive into the intellectual piece and all that that’s great. But what I really believe is this phrase that a lot of entrepreneurs say his you are the average of the five people that you spend the most time with, you really catch more than you are taught. And so the way that really every episode that I have my husband on here, you have an opportunity of catching the spirit that he lives like who he is, you get an opportunity to just hang out with him. So yeah, maybe I’m maybe he’s less like topic focused and oriented and but the but you catch what’s on the inside of his heart. And so my invitation for you is listen to those things over and over and over again. Because what that does is it changes you as a person, you start to say, wow, there’s a different way of being, I could be different on the inside. And what if that would attract my wife? What if I would be a better human before Jesus would if it would matter in eternity? Because all of those things I believe, biblically speaking are true. So I just wrote down a ton of things to say, and none of that was on it. But I’ll let you I’ll let you

7:20
know but this thing that that it comes my mind all the time that he fight thing, I’m doing this, me, I’ll get the credits me, I’ll get the rewards me I feel like and then I will crush me. But if you get the credits to God, yeah. Whether victories, that things that my kids are saying, doing, I’m saying doing our jobs, I feel like and then God is One it provides everything is one to make a way for us. I feel like if every morning that he we wake up every morning for Wake up. And you see your your your wife or your husband aside from you. I feel like that’s the woman. That’s the man that you choose to marry. What a great thing that she get to choose you to he gets to choose you to wake up every morning. Instead of be angry. I feel like that sometimes is hard. It can. It can sound like be ungrateful when we are like, No, I deserve this. So I have it. We don’t deserve anything. We don’t deserve anything in this world. And yet, we have it. I wasn’t planning when I was 15 years old, I wasn’t planning to have a wife, or kids, or a job or anything like that. In this world. We did not know what our kids want to look like. We don’t know in 10 years, what our life is going to look like. We don’t know what tomorrow is going to look like. I feel like if until we realize what we have. And that will start soften in the star making ways for you to realize how, how, how blessed you are. Just to have someone on your side just to have a place where you get to leave to have a bed where you get to sleep soft and comfortable. A roof water you know food for you to to eat. You know, I feel like all the things that you have if you look around, if you look around those things, but you don’t deserve those things. If you do the thing deserve those things. I feel like that will hurt you. That will hurt you really bad. I think because I feel like none of this I deserve. I’m just grateful that I have, and why not honor that, that the things that I have the family that I get to have the wife that I get to have. And I feel like just that every single day, like I said, again, I wasn’t used to be like this, I wasn’t like this. I would just though I wake up tomorrow, and this is same thing, you know, just kind of like how that secure in is that tomorrow will come and you leave. You know, you don’t have the insurance like a car has your break that car and then you get insurance insurance pay for it. If something happens tomorrow, what the what securities or insurance you have that you have another you tomorrow, this is the only body they only live you get to live, why not honor the body and the ones around you. Even if they hurt you, I have this struggle with this things too. Because people hurt me, whether physically, mentally, you know, and I, sometimes it comes and I you know, pray and I say God, you know, you’re the only one know why he did this. And I leave it up to you, you know, give me a lot of peace of mind. It’s not easy. It’s not easy. It takes it takes some years sometimes. And we think that it will. Sometimes we say we wish that we can fix the problem in like seconds. And that’s not that’s not that is impossible, because otherwise, you start fixing things in seconds, and you don’t enjoy how you fix it. Yeah, you don’t see how you fix it. You don’t see how, how is putting all things together. You know, for with my kids, I you know, I keep talking about kids because I doctors were saying different things. The doctors were telling me that I can have kids, you know, not one, not two, but three doctors. And then I you know, I told my kids that I’m like, Yeah, this is what the doctors they told me and then here I am, you know two children. And, you know, for

12:23
I don’t know, just all those things, I feel like, it’s it’s amazing. I feel like it’s amazing my life, how it turned out to be, you know, like, sometimes I used to, you know, get you get angry with God when things don’t go in your way that you plan to be. And they after years later, and then you don’t think about what you went through. You just know you have it and you’re you you work for that you have it. I feel like if you if you we think back how you ended up there and your place in your home, apartment, whatever it is, you know, you have a car. You know, and if something happened with your family, you have a car you can drive. You know, I feel like those things until we start being grateful, in realize things what you have, yeah, but you don’t deserve your wife or your husband or your kids. But yeah, God has given you a wife and the kids in the husband and family, in a community, you know, in a place for you to have a job for you to have. And I feel like that’s more than you that you ask, but we always want more. Right. You know, sometimes my kids arguing to each other, you know, they’re explained that it’s okay. You know, something me my older brothers. We do the same thing. It’s part of I feel like ever growing now we are very close to each other. Can I have some? Yeah.

14:04
So one thing about arguing, siblings. I will say that one thing that my husband and I do a lot is we help the boys know that they’re best friends and that we respect our siblings that we respect our brother. So even though yes, they do do that at times. And, you know, our job as parents is to constantly redirect that behavior. Because siblings can deeply wound each other at a very young age. So my encouragement to any parent who, who doesn’t think that’s a big deal. I think it’s a huge deal and a real problem that I think parents need to keep in mind. So that so that it’s a good relationship because what my husband just said, he’s actually had to surmount very big issues between him and his siblings, because they weren’t stewarded at a young age to be kind to each other. Is that okay? If I said that?

14:59
Yeah. Okay. No, yeah, it’s, it’s, you know, difficult sometimes. But I feel like just, you know, to be grateful, man, if you can be grateful things will change. Yeah, if you can be, you know, just grateful the morning, you get to wake up, you get to see things, you get to experience things you don’t know what that day is going to look like only God knows. You know, this is one of the things when I pray, my kids, if I might share, I’ll say, Dear God, I don’t know what you have, in their future my kids future because I don’t know their future, what is what it look like. So I just trust you that you are wanting to be part of their future, that when they’re coming weak, when they’re struggling, that always calling your name. So that you can enter in their hearts and their soul and their spirit. Because I don’t know, their future is going to look like I wanted to fix their problems. I know that’s not helpful. Neither for me for them. But I know that God knows their future. And I just asked him that to be with them. That whatever this the struggle comes because they will have we all have no human being, I feel like we’ll leave the life wonderfully. I feel like someone will have roughly some will have kind of, but we eventually we all will have desperation, we’ll have all the things that that sometimes we feel all the doors are closing from us. And that’s not a good feeling. I’ve been there. I’ve been there trying to commit a suicide not once or twice. But, you know, China committed suicide. And now here I am. Carry on with with a family. As crazy. So I pray that you if you pray with your kids, whether they’re older, you know, just pray with them. He doesn’t matter. God knows what their future is. And he always is with them. Yeah. So yeah, that’s all I had to say.

17:32
That’s beautiful. Thank you so much any Is it okay, if I go through some of the Okay, so. So one thing that you mentioned that I thought was really powerful, especially as around we have, I think, as humans, this temptation to believe that we earned everything we have. And I think it’s a deeper root of, we want the glory. We want the credit, like even and I see that temptation all around in my own heart, like, I want the credit when people’s lives are changed. I want the credit when you know, and yet, and yet. It’s God’s grace that He gives me breath in my lungs. It’s God’s grace that I have a voice. It’s God’s grace, that there are books that I have read and learned. It’s God’s grace, that I was taught to read when I was young. It’s God’s grace. I was born in America. So I could live in a place that had good education systems. It’s God’s grace that was born in a in a level of income that I have even the ability to understand computers. It’s God’s grace, that I’m at a spot now where I’m utilizing a technology that I did not build. I don’t understand even how it works, but I get to use it. It’s God’s grace, that there are people out there that have taught me different things throughout my life. It’s God’s grace, that I live in an area that has a park and the park is beautiful. But you know, what generations before me, wanted to make sure that me as the next generation coming had a place that was going to be green, and they protected the environment and they picked up the trash and like, it’s God’s grace that people and generations have come before me, so that I can have what I have today. Because I don’t deserve who I am today. I don’t deserve this. God and I can credit God like God, use those people so that I have the life I have today. So God gets the glory, but He uses people for that to happen. And I think that’s so powerful, because it’s a it’s really the heart of pride to say, I earned this. I have the life I have because I earned it. And that’s not true. God gave you the grace to have every little detail that you have. And I think really holding on to that Is is making you in a much really safer position in this world because the truth of the matter is, we could all lose it tomorrow, like my husband said, like, your your family could die in a car crash tomorrow, like you, you could die in a garage, or you could face judgment day tomorrow, like any of those things that could happen, you could lose all your finances in the stock market. A lot of people are suffering right now financially, if you base your life upon the gratitude that all of this is a gift, it makes you much safer. In the long run that you appreciate everything you have today. And tomorrow, you’re going to appreciate whatever it is that you wake up to tomorrow. And again, these are temptations in my own heart, too. This is not something I have achieved, but it is something I want. I want to live a life of gratitude before Jesus. It even says your a sacrifice of praise. And I feel like there’s another verse that says something like a sacrifice of thanksgiving, like I will submit myself to Thanksgiving to thankfulness before God

21:09
will want to say when you said the Bible, they say Love your neighbor as us to love yourself something like that. I feel like a lot of times that I do not love my neighbor because it’s annoying, like allow music smokes a lot. screams a lot. And I feel like, you know, I don’t know what’s in this guy in this. Human beings life. Yeah, I don’t know what his struggles. You know, I, I don’t know, I just gotta, I just gotta love Him and accept Him. You know, it doesn’t matter what it looks like, how much money he or she has, you know, I just got to accept that. And, and for him instead of judging because we are a few, like, maybe just me or a lot of us human beings are. We cannot pretend that we don’t judge anyone. Because we do judge. We do judge and we cannot pretend I am do my best not to. But sometimes it comes in or if you’re like, oh, what I’m doing. People are judging me too. Because, you know, I’m a human being. And I feel like that’s, that’s okay. But also be aware of I am doing this thing I am not who am I to judge this person? Whatever saying or looks or anything? You know, and I feel like a friend was gonna say, but Oh, yes. This one other thing was want to say? Happy Father’s Day. To all the dots up there. Yeah. If you’re that happy Father’s Day. Yeah, thank you for providing for your family, for your kids. And for being amazing that and if you think you’re not you are, you know, always encouraging one another, we have our own challenges, hug your kids. You know, ladies, sing, sing single parents, you’re doing an amazing job to do both. Because I know a lot of single parents that they do both and man, I’ll tell you, it’s a hard work. So I I appreciate you providing for your family for your kids. Even if take the extra job for for you to provide some food for your family. So I thank you and Happy Father’s Day. And just remember to be grateful. You don’t deserve the family that you have just God has provided your family that you have and you get to enjoy how your kids pray every single night if you can free the Bible. One thing that sometimes when this thing, we were watching a movie my wife and then I said okay, I want to put the kids to sleep. So put the kids to sleep. And you know, I just want to put the kids to sleep because I want to finish the movie. And then my son my kids they say like puppy can you stay a little longer with us here. And I first I got a little upset because I feel a knowledge is already put into sleep. You know now you need to sleep. And then I I thought about on like wait a minute, my son asked me to stay for those minutes with me. Because when he’s 20 years or whatever long he will ask me for those things. He won’t ask me. And then those times I will say I wish that he will ask me in a stay. So why not while they asked me that I should stay so I use a tremendous and you know, and I I felt great that I caught myself on the moment that the things that I should do, I must do as a father. You know, if it’s an emergency, I had to let them know as emergency but I feel like if just for my plesant to, to watch this things that can wait. But my kids cannot wait, they grow in every single minute. You know, they’re learning every single minutes. And I feel like just by doing that, you know, if their kid says, play with me or

25:30
buy me ice cream, I don’t know, really, we don’t really buy ice cream. But when they say it, I feel like, okay, maybe next week, and that they will remember the next week? And then you know, like, yes, okay, you know what, yes, you know, I, I’m doing the best that I can. And I know you as a dad doing the best that you can, too. So I appreciate you keep doing the hard work. Because, you know, it’s not easy. You want your kids to be safe. You want your family to be safe. And then you go to work thinking about especially when something’s not right with your family, where you’re have issues with your spouse. And then you just you can’t focus. I feel like just think about that. When you’re, you know, when your family and your spouse, though you come home, your hug your kids, you know, this case, when he used to come late from work, they’re all sleeping, so just hugging morning, even even if I’m tired. You know, because they they’re not want to be kids forever. They’ll be growing. They will. They will see what’s ahead. And you know, I will, I will. Yeah, I will see, see what’s in their future. But I’m sure I will talk the next time, then that’s it for today. God bless you. And please do invest when your kids so we can leave a better human beings in this world. So they can embarrass on their friends and they can leave another community based community in this world. So we can be safe, safe. And my wife has asked me if I can pray, I can pray. I like praying your father. Father, I don’t. I wasn’t prepared for this call. I just believe that you give me the words that I needed to say. I pray for this. Every human being that has been listening to this podcast that it’s been listening to countries got to play for their countries, their states, their towns, their cities, that they they will be the reflection of you that other people feel safe because they are there in their country. People will be safe because they’re in their community. Because they see that document being of you. It’s planted there in their community. And as they see them, they feel safe and they feel comfortable. And I pray that all those dads up there that let him know that that you love them, we are not perfect. But we have the time to do a better today tomorrow. To be a better fathers to be a better husbands better human beings guide to to honor our wives. Yes. That she choose us to be with them. That she chooses us to be with him to marry with you. God I pray for for safety in their in their homes, for safety everywhere they’re called to work to bring their families God bring all those families together that are struggling. Yes. Bring all those spouses that are struggling they’re thinking about separated Gotha they’re getting divorced gotta pray that you please them to bring them together. That they can see that you your miracles, God or they can sit and they can’t reflect what has been given to them. God there is a lot of distractions in this world. I pray that you will not let that distraction to be deeper in our hearts Gotha everywhere we go we bless others in their communities everywhere we go. People will feel safety career their god thank you so much for for that listener and Scott for all this country’s bless them. Abraham, whatever you are, you are not alone. That God is with you. Yes. Even when you put in the kids to sleep that God is with them. God is with you with your husband’s with your with your mom and dad. They just love us the way that they think is best. Forgive them forgive us. And I just play that. I just pray that that, that we realize how how, how honor us. So human beings to have the things that we have led us, not our hearts to take in another way. God that laid us our heart to take on your way. Yes. God that we see the the way.

30:29
I pray to bless them everywhere they are, yes, with their families, when they get to sleep when they wake up, when they have dinner together, breakfast together, give them rest, keeping peace. Yeah. And to be kind to one another, and to listen what the needs of one another. In Jesus mighty name. Amen. Amen.

30:54
All right, so, officially, my husband will now be taking over the podcast

31:09
Oh, yeah, well,

31:11
thank God, you know, he actually listens to every single podcast I produce before it’s posted, because he’s amazing, as you can tell. So anyway, thanks again for listening. And we love you. And I pray that this is a really encouraging conversation for you. And we’ll talk next week. Bye. Amazing, thank you so much for listening. I want to say if you do go ahead and leave an iTunes rating and review your use like an iPhone, you can do it there. Or if you use even a Windows computer, you can do it. If you’re not sure how, with an iPhone, just search, delight your marriage, and then and then scroll down and then it’ll have the stars and you can click five stars and do the right review. Then send me a screenshot of that review at belah, B E L A H at delight your marriage calm. And I’ll actually send you a couple of free videos that are part of my wild romance. Basically, it’s a $97 value. And it’s currently only available to my current students. So it’s a it’s a great value. People have said it’s been really helpful already for them to implement the different ideas and there’s a the second video is about like, make sure you don’t get these things wrong, or it’s going to undermine everything. So I really would love all the husbands to get that. And all you need to do is just leave an iTunes review and I would so appreciate it. It’s it means the world to me. And it also means that more people can listen to this work. So thank you. All right. God bless you and we’ll talk next week. Bye.

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Podcast: Play in new window | Download

You have a specific Assignment (1 Cor 7:17). Jesus didn’t ask you to do everything.

He even had limits on Himself.

But  if we think that we’re supposed to be doing everything, we’ll miss who He is really assigning us to. Thus, His perfect plan doesn’t go forward.

This impacts your sex life, and is impacted by your sex life. Whether you’re a woman or a man this has impact.

Jesus himself limited his prayers: “I am not praying for the world, but for those whom you have given me” John 17:9

I think this allows us to all take a breath and say, “Lord help me to know who you have given me.

Help me to be content with who you have given me. Help me to truly serve, love and impact only those you have given me”.

And if all of us did that… then the world would look a lot different, I think.

I share how I’m doing that in my life, with my family and in my current launch of the renewed Masculinity Reclaimed program right now.

I share how men I’ve worked with (who I believe God put in my assignment) have been able to stop “burning with passion” even though they’re married and get on with what God wants them doing. Because after my program they are more Christ-centered men.

One–maybe surprising–thing I share in this episode is how I wish my ex-husband took the Masculinity Reclaimed course. It’s basically written for a man who thinks like that to help him become a man who thinks like my current husband…a man by his behavior and heart motivates me to want to make love to him. (I’ll tell you it works!)

I hope this encourages you to deeply reflect on your Assignment and the role sex plays in it. And I pray that will help direct your steps.

Enrollment for the Masculinity Reclaimed program is open now, but is closing very soon, so I hope you register now. Delightyourmarriage.com/mrsp

Once enrollment closes, it won’t be around again this year.

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about delight your marriage. All right, thank you for joining. So a few things we’re going to be diving into on today’s broadcast is one, how do you discern who God has assigned you to. And in a lot of that, I’m going to be talking about my own journey on what I’m dealing with right now. And I’ve got some stories around that. And I’ve also got some really exciting stories of transformation when men have decided to transform and fix the issue, so that they can go on and do God’s work. And a lot of them I have had the opportunity and privilege of being assigned to them. And so I have gotten to help them cross over the threshold of suffering, to joy and peace and Christ centered relationships so they can get on with what God wants them to do. And sex is a huge piece of a man’s heart. And so I’m going to be talking about how scripture really makes it clear that we are not supposed to be stretching ourselves too thin. But we are assigned to specific people. And I talk about what that looks like in my life in my heart and what I specifically do on a practical basis to make sure that I am in line, the way that Jesus was. It’s it’s pretty fascinating stuff. He’s he’s really stirred it in me recently. So I hope this is a big blessing to you. I’ve got a couple really cool testimonials at the end for you, that I think will encourage you as well. So if you’re a gentleman who’s interested in the masculinity reclaimed program, enrollment is open right now, but it’s closing soon. So I hope that you will listen till the end for that. Thanks for joining, I do not take it lightly that you are tuning in. So I want to make this valuable. And I also kind of want to tell you some stories. So the first one is I was walking out this morning, because I you know, since COVID, I haven’t been outside nearly as much as I usually am. But as you may know, Wednesdays are my days for spiritual renewal and rejuvenation. And I think that’s so important that all of us take some sort of rest day, Saturday’s our official rest day, which is really no stress, no nothing. But Wednesday’s are my rejuvenation spiritually day and some things in my schedule are shifting. So I’m going to have to figure out like, if I need to shift that or not, but or how to do it. So anyway, just a little side. So today, I spent some time in the park, praying and you know, after I do my, my quiet time in the morning, and I ran into a couple that we know and they’ve been so sweet baking us bread during this whole COVID thing. And the wife actually lost her father to COVID. And so when I approached and said hello and made a joke about how if they were social distancing well enough, but they’re married, so it was funny. Anyway, so he ended up going back inside, and she and I chatted for a while. And I was asking her how her mom was doing with everything and how she was grieving and her sister. And anyway, the conversation eventually shifted to how I’m doing and how my business is doing. And, you know, I just like praise God, it’s it’s actually doing really well. Apparently, during all of this, people still need marriage help. And, in fact, I was like a lot of times, they’re, they’re even more aware, during this season, that they need help on their marriage, because either they have more time with their spouse, and it’s just become more apparent and less distracting away from the issues. And another thing for men especially, is I think there’s less distraction away from some of the addictions and ways that they have coped with not having sexual intimacy in their marriage. So they’re, they’re really seeking out help. And she doesn’t know too much about my business. So she knows it’s marriage coaching. And so at this point, she asked me, she said, So what do you think is the big thing that people really need in this time? And so I kind of laughed and was like, Well, I, I’m not sure if you know, but my, my coaching is really focused on intimacy and marriage. So my answer to that It would be more sex.

5:03
So we both laughed about that. But then I was telling her that I’m launching this renewed program refreshed program, and it’s launching right now. And I said, you know, thank God, it’s been extremely successful in the past. So I know it works. But I guess every time I launch something, there’s a little bit of vulnerability and like, you know, is this going to be the are the people that need to be in the program? You know, am I doing everything that I can do to invite those that God wants in the program? So anyway, I told her, she was like, so how did you get into that? And I was like, Well, honestly, I, I feel like I don’t think I told you this. But I was, I was married before. And I feel like I now have an opportunity to coach, my ex husband, to become my current husband. And is this idea, it may sound strange, but it’s this idea that I understand what is blocking these men from having the physical intimacy that they’re craving, because that’s exactly what my ex husband did to me. And now I have the privilege of being in a marriage where I am motivated and excited to fill him up sexually, the way he desires to be filled up, because of who he is and what he does, and how he treats me. It’s completely different. And so, yes, I wish my ex husband took this masculinity reclaimed program. Because, golly, like who knows what would have happened? I know that this is all God’s will. I’m extremely happy in my marriage. Now. It’s not because I wish the time, you know, went backwards. But it’s God gave me that experience. Because I know what the problem is. I know why these men are not experiencing freedom, generosity, and great intimacy and fun, spontaneity, and her desire for intimacy, I get what’s blocking her because I was blocked in the past. I was blocked in the past. So anyway, it was really great to talk to her and then and then I went on my way. And I’ve been really struck by something for a while. But this particularly came up again in my heart this morning. And it’s John 17, six, and it says, I have manifest your name to the people whom you gave me out of the world. Just some context, this is Jesus praying to God, shortly before he was going to be crucified. So this is at the Garden of Gethsemane. And this is what he’s praying, I have manifest your name to the people whom you gave me out of the world, yours, they were and you gave them to me. And they have kept your word. A couple of verses later, it says, I am not praying for the world, but for those whom You have given me. And I think that is really key for all of us to recognize that God is not assigned us everyone. That’s, you know, Jesus could have been living till he was 89 years old. But he wasn’t assigned to everyone. He wasn’t assigned to walk all the way to Asia and the far reaches of, of Africa and sail over to the Americas. Like that’s not his assignment. His assignment was the geographical area that he impacted and all of the people he impacted in the different levels of impact he had. So first level of impact was his disciples from there. It was some of those friends like they Lazarus and Mary and Martha and some of those like other friends just outside the cusp of the disciples. And then there were the crowds of people. But it was limited. It was limited who had access to him. And it was limited in how many years he had an earthly ministry. There were so many limits that Jesus put on his impact, because of God’s will. So I thought it was very interesting especially it says, I’m not praying, he’s not even praying for the whole world. I am not praying for the world, but for those whom You have given me.

9:43
And I think if if, if Jesus wasn’t intended to impact every single person through His earthly ministry, how in the world why in the world would we not limit ourselves? And so I think that key is really important for us as individuals to be thinking about, who am I supposed to impact? Who has God given me. And so that’s something I was I was praying about this morning, and I think I’ll just read some of my prayer was, Lord, I’m going to limit my concern to those you have given me, I’m going to limit my grief and my sadness, and my words, and my activator strength, which is kind of like my trying to get people to change, and my attention and my desire and my action to those that you have given me, and I’m going to limit my goals to those that you have given me. And I’m going to limit my impact and my prayers to those that you have given me. And so that I spent some time asking the Lord, who have you given me, who have you given me now first, my husband, the second, my kids, third, my dy M clients, people who have made the commitment, based on my promises based on my material, they decided to trust me, and move forward. And that’s my third assignment I am assigned to them is my responsibility to pray for them and steward them and guide them and love them and take time for them and care about them. And grieve with them and be sad with them, but strategically help them. And then the next level is my dy M listeners. Somehow, someway, you’re listening to this guide to has attracted you through some kind of technology, or some person advised you to come over here. Whatever it is, there’s some level of impact that by God’s grace I have on your life. And I also take that seriously. And after that, is going to sound strange, but after that is my extended, you know what, I don’t think this order is actually right now that I think about it. So I would say my dy M clients, and then my extended family. Yeah, that’s a question mark. Not sure exactly the priority there. But my extended family is in the mix, where you know, my mom, my brothers and sisters, my dad, those people, and then after that my church family, I think the reason I have that later, is when I think about Jesus family, like they were in the cusp, they were outside of the disciples. But they were in the like, circle just outside of the disciples. Does that make sense? So obviously, I have a big impact. And I’m, you know, born into a family, it’s my responsibility to honor my mother and father. But at the same time, this is my assignment in the world is to impact others for Jesus to attract others to Jesus through my work. And so yeah, just in terms of prioritization, so then I spent time, specifically on each one of those praying for each one of those areas, and praying in priority and asking God to help me in that priority. And so I’m at a spot where I am praying for this launch for the men that are supposed to be in the masculinity reclaimed program, to be drawn to it, and to decide this is it. They’re going to, they’re going to do what they need to do to transform their marriage. And that’s what I’m praying for. I’m not praying for hundreds of people in this program. I’m not even praying for 1000s of people. I’m praying for a specific amount of people that I believe in their heart, they’re going to say, Yeah, this is me. This is me, I’m going to step out of line and decide that I’m going to exert my faith. And I’m going to do this. And that’s what I’m praying for. Because I, I’ll read, I’ll read to you, this is on my desktop, I’ve got it. This is kind of funny. I’ve got a picture that I found on Google, of

14:03
a group of men. And there wasn’t a whole lot of diversity in there. So I also found another picture of a group of men and I like cut them together. And so I’ve got some diverse, but anyway, it’s ultimately the full amount of men that I want to have in this program. And this is what I wrote on my desktop. So every time I look at it, I pray for them. So I want these men to be good men, followers of Jesus, godly husbands, amazing fathers, focus businessmen, ministry leaders, able to love and serve others have a deeper walk with God. I want these men to see beauty in life. I want them to enjoy the deeper things. I want their level of temptation to decrease and their desire for scripture and prayer to increase. I want them to be on God’s assignment. I want them to notice what God is doing in their lives. I want them to get on with what he is purchasing for them. So you might be like, what does that have to do with sex? Well, I think Think the men that are going to be drawn to this program is saying, I know exactly sex is an absolute hindrance and blocked to my relationship with Jesus. And I’ve just seen it over and over again that I’m like, here, gents, let’s you know, let me give you the tools, let’s change this perspective, let’s change all these things. And then they love God better, because they’re not wounded, they’re not suffering, they’re not bleeding out, because their sexual desires are not satisfied in their marriage. You know, Paul says, If you burn with passion, get married. And then he basically makes it sound like so you can get on with God’s work. Like, I’d rather you be single, because you can have a more singular focus in God’s word. But if you’re burning with passion, get married, and stop burning with passion, stop being distracted. But here’s the problem. A lot of men are married, and burning with passion. And that is a travesty. And that’s the work of GYN. That’s why I do this work. I don’t want you burning with passion in your marriage, I want you to get over it, get it fixed. So you can get on with on with God’s life with his his work with what he wants to do through you. You know, that’s something one of my faith statements every morning is that this business is impacting ministries, that the men who were distracted, can now start because they are no longer distracted. They’re no longer hindered by their sex life with their wife. Now it’s fixed and they can go on with God’s work. Like, that’s what I, you know, I wish my ex husband would have known that, that that I wish my ex husband would have known how to motivate my transformation, so that he and I both would have been able to get on with God’s work. And now by God’s grace, my husband doesn’t know how to motivate my transformation, I’ve been able to witness that. Throughout our relationship, things changed. Things changed in a really dramatic way. I’ve heard some men say, I’ve heard your story. And you went through a dark season, where personally I was I was promiscuous. And so I learned more about how men think. But then I got married. And I was just doing sex, like I was still generous. But it was more to appease him because I understood what it meant to him. And but through our relationship, my desire for it shifted. So what I’m trying to say is a lot of people I work with say that when my wife was really free in the beginning, she was really interested in sex. It’s like, she used to know how men thought, and now she doesn’t anymore. So that’s proof to me, that you as a husband can do things that will shift things and, and you might be saying, well, my wife was never that way. I’ve also worked with husbands that their wife was never that way. And she became that way because of who he became he changed. And she changed. I’m thinking, specifically, this is pretty funny. I’ll give you two quick stories is one husband I worked with just not not too too long ago, but I had included some of his quotes in my material, my marketing material for this launch. And he emailed me and he said,

18:39
he said something about like, he needs to be my marketing manager or something like that. And I was like, Yeah, well, if you if you didn’t write so well, I wouldn’t include yourself. And, you know, because I always ask the men that I work with, after they work with me if it’s okay, if I include, you know, some of their either quotes or story without adding any identifying features. So anyway, he told me even after the the work, he and I did together, that that things were going great in his marriage and in their intimate life. So it was really encouraging to hear that. And then the next thing I was gonna say is that another husband that I worked with a long time ago, dramatic, dramatic changes in his marriage. Just so so exciting to see even though he was the only one that did the work. And she just became this, this person that who initiates all the time and she never would before. But anyway, a long time after he and I worked together. We were chatting about something completely different. And he said, You know what, I want to just tell you that since the program, I can tell I’ve been different with my daughter, and she actually maybe was having trouble with boys or something like that. And he felt like he’s been able to share with her her worth as a woman, how men should treat her. Because now he understands it for himself with his wife. And he’s like, I’ve really got to thank you for that. Because the program is what? What changed that for me that I’m a better dad now. So that’s really powerful. Because I’m thinking about that young lady’s life, her entire life is going to be different. Possibly, she’ll never go through a phase that I did have of devaluing my body. Because she’ll know, to her core, what her value is worth. And that’s something I didn’t understand. And sadly, my dad just didn’t know how to communicate that to me. And so I wish for every husband, to understand the value of his wife, and and transform that it’s not an easy transformation. That’s what this whole program is about. So that your wife wants to make love to you. That’s, that’s the whole deal. And because I have an unorthodox approach, if you like parse this piece with this piece, and this piece with this piece, it’s not necessarily going to make sense. So that’s why this is a 90 day program, where it’s live, classes, training, coaching calls with me for 90 Days Weekly. So a total of like 13 or 14, coaching calls. And then there’s lifetime access to training modules that and that is the system that has tried and true time and time again. And I’ve I’m reformatting and restructuring things to make sure it’s tweaked and as effective as possible for you. And then the other piece of this program that I’m really loving is all about accountability. So I have specific forms that you fill each each week, and I read those and I can comment on those on our on our coaching calls, so I can really give you tailored advice to what you’re going through. And the final piece is real time support, that you have a private online community of men that are rooting for you encouraging you praying for you, as you’re going through whether it’s temptation, whether it’s a question about a certain skill that we’re learning, whether it’s about something that happened, an argument that just broke out, and what do you do, and I mean, it’s just amazing support. And I just am so excited for this program to kick off. So the close date is approaching very soon. So I want you to I’ll I want you to just to do it, if you’re if you’re feeling this in your heart, maybe you’re one of the men that I am praying for, I’m not assigned to everyone, not everyone who listens to this are going to sign on, that’s good. Because not everyone is supposed to. I’m not assigned to everyone. But if you are that one, I just pray that that God would change your heart in the way that he needs to, for you to jump into this with a with a full heart with hope that God’s going to change this. Alright, let me pray for your father. If this is a gentleman that you want, that you want transformed through this program, I pray, Lord, that You would make it just clear in his heart that no matter what he’s going to do this, he’s going to figure this out, this is his time to step up and do this.

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It’s not going to be offered for another year. And I just ask that you would make it clear to him that this is his time for transformation in his marriage, and that he’s going to get it in line. So he doesn’t burn with passion anymore. So that he can be doing your work in this world. So he can be a more Christ centered man, for you, Lord, and His marriage is just an overflowing, exciting, good, relaxing place that he gets to enjoy. As then he gets to go out there and fight the good fight and do the things you want him to do. And he gets to come home and have an incredible intimacy and relationship. And Lord, I pray that if this is a wife listening, that is questioning whether or not her husband should do this, I pray also you would put it in her heart. And you would give her the words and how to approach her husband and how to encourage him. Because she knows this is going to change him in the way that she needs him to change so that she can be free and fierce and relaxed and released in intimacy Lord, because I’ve worked with women who their own husbands undermined her progress. And she wasn’t able to be everything that she needed to be long term in freedom and intimacy because of some of the bad behaviors he was doing. Lord, I trust you for this. I trust that the men that you need in this program that you have assigned to me are going to come out and I pray also just for those that that support dy M with their prayers, that they would pray for this as well. They would join me in this prayer for the men to join that need the transformation. In Jesus name, Amen. All right, I love you. And I really, really look forward to seeing you on the inside. Find out all the details of the masculinity reclaimed program at delight your marriage.com/mr SP. Mr. SP, I look forward to having you it’s going to be an amazing, amazing transformation. God bless bye

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I’m going to end this with just a couple of testimonials that I love. And I think it’ll encourage you. I work with husbands a lot who start out skeptical, but for genuine, legitimate reasons, because they’ve tried to change their marriage many times before. I want to tell you about a couple of those stories. There was a husband who came on speaking with me about how his wife was willing, but mechanical, it was almost like she was interested in appeasing him. But definitely there wasn’t a pursuit of pleasure or desire for her own benefit in sexuality. And so this is a few quotes from him. But the truth is, this is a story I hear over and over again, and you might see yourself in the shoes. So what he said is, before he came into the program, he was dependent on the intimacy on that connection with his wife, it was hard to function without it almost desperation, she needed to make me happy, but she never could. And there was resentment. She was just going through the motions, not because she liked it. And he would question Does she still love me today. And now he says that I don’t need sex to be functional. Now it’s something to be enjoyed and explored. Not that I needed like air and water that it was before. And so now after the program, my wife feels like she can be herself again, not guarded, just herself. She moves closer to me. She teases me sexually, she has the space and safety now, which gives her the ability to give to me generously. We’re having firsts in our lifetime experiences now. Our bumps are basically non existent. Now she calls me and we’re individual people. I’m so incredibly at peace and happy. And it’s inside as well. I’m back to the person who can function independently, but chooses to be with my wife, even times when I want to pleasure her without any intercourse. But she gets so excited that now she craves it. And she says thanks. I needed that. After sex now, it was such an honor. And she thanks me sincerely. And again, that’s a story that I, by God’s grace, get to hear a lot. I’m going to also share another gentleman’s conversation, which a lot of us and a lot of men see themselves in this story as well.

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He said before the program, his biggest challenges were communication and intimacy for sure. Our communication was horrible. I was constantly set on edge by my wife’s being disrespectful, snappy, controlling, or just mean, intimacy wise. We had been fighting about it for a long time ever since I brought it up in marriage counseling that I wasn’t satisfied by our sex life. It was just a constant battle of me trying to explain what I wanted and my wife sobbing because she felt like I was telling her she wasn’t good enough and needed to change. I was desperate for something to help her understand about sex, and know what I wanted without being hurtful to her. After the program, he said, I think the biggest celebration is my wife understanding now why sex is important to me. She always knew that sex was important when you’re married, but I don’t think she ever understood on an emotional level, what intimacy meant to me. She apologized for things she said in the past regarding intimacy and has made a huge effort to increase our frequency so that she can be filling me up in that way. On my own side, I’ve just become much more content in my own marriage. I’m not afraid of coming home now. And I’m excited about spending alone time with my wife again. I’m not worried about saying something that will upset her or spiral us into another fight. I feel much more capable of handling issues in my marriage, and much more confident that God is working in me too. Make me into the husband I’m supposed to be. I’m not as paralyzed by desperation. And I feel like I have a workable strategy to get me to where I want to be in my marriage, I feel more patient more in control of my responses to my wife, and more forgiving of her in the moments where she may not be as respectful. I’m no longer walking in a shadow of fear, and depression that has ruled my life and my marriage for a very long time. I was able to look at my marriage through the lens of what can I do versus the resentment of what is she not doing. As far as the course goes, I really liked how it was laid out in a week by week manner. I think the material is all building on small, specific goals, to a larger, more broad goals in a good way to help change your mindset. Nothing in the course made me feel offended or attacked, it all made a lot of sense. I’d recommend this course to all men, regardless of how long they’ve been married. Even if you’re not struggling with intimacy in your marriage, I think the lessons would benefit every marriage. If I had taken this course, when I was 22. Right after getting married, I might never have had these issues in the first place. I knew from listening to Bella’s podcast, that what she was teaching was the truth. It was the things that I felt every day, and the things that my wife would tell me through her tears. I never believed my wife and I would actually get the chance to participate in the program. Why would we qualify for a program with a published author, successful podcast host. When we were actually accepted, it was the biggest answered prayer I’ve ever experienced in my marriage.

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And I’ll do a final comment about a husband who also really really struggled with this idea of taking off the pressure on his wife, because the challenges that he experienced beforehand was, first of all his wife able to be and stay in the moment for sex, for her to be comfortable with initiating sex and being able to do it in a seductive and desirous way to give or reciprocate complements to make him feel loved and appreciated verbally, and for her to actually desire sexual intimacy instead of just putting up with it and not complaining. And so he’s gotten to a place where, by God’s grace after the program, that she’s getting deeper and deeper into the moment, every time we come together for intimacy, and she takes it seriously now, which is incredibly special to me. She has slowly gotten better with Penny, which again, is oral sex for men. And she’s not ashamed of my finish. Her willingness without complaining and trying new positions, even knowing that most of them are for my enjoyment more than hers, and her slow Bashore progress towards getting out of her comfort zone and try new things including the first time she was able to get comfortable enough to let me finish in her mouth, and not shame me. The last one was a huge milestone not because it was the most important by any means, but it did show me the level of her maturity and growth and acceptance of her and my sexuality. And finally the thought that now this huge barrier wall is down. I feel that our future endeavors to try new things together and keep variety so that our intimacy life doesn’t get stale, will be much easier. So ending the program on a very positive note that we are on an awesome path now. praising God for those stories, he is so good. So if that tugs at your heart, and you feel like you are one of those students that needs to be in this program and get those results, then go to delight your marriage.com/m s RP and join in because enrollment is closing very soon. God bless you. I love you. We’ll talk soon

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

This is probably THE question I hear in one way or another over and over again.

Lights off, sheets up and “vanilla” sex is the refrain that is very frequent.

Why is she like this?

How can this change?

What about specific things she’s squeamish about like “intimate photos of us”, anal sex, and mirrors?

All that is covered in our conversation! Especially for men, but helpful for women!

—

In the Masculinity Reclaimed: Be respected, enjoy fierce intimacy and love being married again!

You’ll learn how to strategically transform your marriage so she WANTS to enjoy sex with many new positions, visuals and variety…

…a 92% success rate!

We are launching very soon (and won’t be opening up the doors til next year!) so go to delightyourmarriage.com/menstraining to get all the details!

trnscript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. All right, welcome. Thank you so much for joining me, this is belah rose. And today I want to talk about how to help her to have sexual freedom, which I think is on a lot of husbands minds. When they got married, it seemed like things were great, and there was lots of freedom. And then now there’s not so I want to talk about that. And before I do, right now, there is a free men’s training, all about getting her to actually want intimacy. So it’s almost like the continuation of this conversation, I’m going to dabble in some things here. But the five part video training is available for a limited time for free. So if that is something you really want to get this, which most men do, you just go to delight your marriage.com/ Men’s training, you sign up, and you’ll have access to that free video training. But like I said, this is going to be taking down here shortly. And you know, I get emails from people that are like I heard about a previous training, is that still available, and it doesn’t, I don’t make it available again, until the next time I choose that that’s the right time to make it available. And sometimes I don’t, because I’m just not able to support people in that zone at that particular time. So all that to say, is I want to invite you to to take action, and get on this video training series, which each video is about. Now, I don’t know the first couple, maybe around 30 minutes, the last couple, maybe a little less, maybe a little more. So there’s real meat in there. And I make sure my husband watches the videos especially. And they’re produced and they’re, they’re well done. I’ve heard from other people that have watched it and the value they’ve gotten even clients that have watched the video training has felt like they have gotten value from this free training. So I encourage you to do that. But yeah, my husband was like, yeah, there’s a lot in there. So go to delight your marriage.com/ Men’s training. So yeah, so how do you help your wife have sexual freedom? Well, there’s a few things to be aware of. And I’m gonna touch on these a bit. But one is, how has your wife been raised, if she was raised in a Christian home, a lot of times

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it wasn’t talked about. And it was kind of like this idea of safe sex, safe sex, for marriage, safe sex for marriage, and then they get married. And then silence. There’s no like, what? Now here’s how to do it, get all the cool stuff out, we’re gonna do some real great things in your marriage. It’s just just nothing. It’s just nothing. And so if that’s where your wife is coming from, it’s important for you to have grace with her in that and and to recognize that this is going to be a process and you’re not going to force your way into making her change in that way. It is step by step, which is why I say over and over again, that there has to be strategy around it, that you just don’t approach anything else in your life without wisdom. But why do you approach your wife thinking that I’m just going to muscle my way through this direct as the best approach, it’s like, you don’t do that with your boss, you don’t do that with your career. Usually do that in any other area. You think about your goal, and then you figure out the steps to get there. So if you want her to have more sexual freedom, some of the things to be thinking about is what does she associate with sex that is negative. So a lot of women associate the sin that’s in our world. It’s just flat out sin, but sadly, most men are exposed to it even at a young age is X rated stuff. And that then, is in a wife’s mind of that sin. And I don’t want to be associated with that sin. Not even close. I don’t even want his mind to go there. Because I am a holy saintly woman that God wants me to be, which is exactly who God wants you to be as a woman, there are women that are going to listen to that. So I’m also going to, you know, here and there, speak to women, but for the most part, this is this is for, for Christian men. So if you think about what your wife is going through, it may be more effective for you to know how to get to the next step. So rather than thinking that the more I say these words, the more she’s going to get used to it. The thing is, it’s actually going to repel her from it. So if you are saying words that again, appear in X rated stuff, she’s going to be thinking, Oh, my gosh, he’s thinking of that stuff when we make love. And making love is supposed to be this holy bond between he and I spiritual, and he’s bringing in all that filth, and then she’ll resist it. Is that making sense? That is a huge insecurity for women, especially women. Like if you even faintly know that your wife is uncomfortable with pornography, then this is your wife. And the truth is, I’ve never met a woman. I do actually, I have met one. She’s a she’s an anomaly to me, and she wasn’t a client also. But like Christian women, that’s not something they’re comfortable with, or wanting their husband to partake in. Instead, it makes her insecure, very insecure, thinking that you’ve had sexual experience with others, and you’re comparing her to others. So when you think that the more I say these things, the more I ask for these new things, whether it’s positions or activities, or what have you, the more she’s going to open up to it, the truth of the matter is, the more she’s going to close off to it, because she’s going to be reminded, oh, he was exposed to that stuff. I’m not interested, you go do your sinful stuff, if that’s what you have to do, but I, I’m not interested in in being your replacement for that sinful stuff. Does that make sense? Now, as as a as a, because I do this work, and because God’s, you know, opened my eyes, to the way men think in a lot of ways.

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I know that you are not replacing her. With pornography, it’s actually the opposite pornography has taken what sex is supposed to be and commercialized it and and made it this this sinful, you know, amusement park, instead of all of that good, exciting stuff that makes you you know, chemically addicted to it should be what’s happening in your marriage. The only problem is, the context is wrong. It should be in your lifelong committed relationship only between the two of you, in thought, and indeed, that’s that’s the problem with the acts of pornography, it’s not the acts themselves. God’s idea was sex and the excitement in sex. So as a woman, it’s our opportunity to look at sex in that way that your husband is not wrong, for wanting the things that are represented in pornography. The issue is, it shouldn’t. Again, it’s it’s not supposed to be out there for everyone to see this. This is a this is a private enjoyment. It’s private passion. It’s private excitement between you and your spouse. That’s the That’s the God ordained way of exciting sex. So how do you help your wife become more comfortable with that passion and excitement? Because that’s the block is she thinks you want her to be a porn star. And she’s not interested in that. So if she even thinks that there’s a hint of that in your sex life, she thinks it’s sin, and she thinks you’re getting it from the sin. So when I talk about there’s a difference between masculine and feminine sex. I guess another way of talking about it is there’s a difference between fierce and passionate sex. I talk about these two different types of sex because whether you’re a man or a woman Both types of sex can excite us, both types of sex we can enjoy, and even learn to enjoy if we seem to not naturally enjoy it. The reason I differentiate it because masculine and feminine sex is because just the way that the media companies have evolved over time, is by male leadership. That means that what men want in sex is presented in our society the most. So I just talked about pornography, the vast majority of that is produced by men. And, yeah, that’s just to say that just blanket and produced and for male audiences. And again, like I said, women can enjoy masculine sex too. So women can get turned on by that and also be addicted to that. Again, that’s not the that’s not the right thing to do. Right, I tried to make that clear, that is sinful, that is against God’s word. The other thing that infiltrates all areas of our society is movies that are R rated, or PG 13, or even PG or even G.

11:29
I mean, you’ve got hourglass shaped princesses in Disney. I mean, there is this pervades everything. The top tier leadership of movies are male, and I’m talking directors, videographers, the people that are responsible for giving us the content are men. And so obviously, they’re going to find camera angles that show the cleavage, and they’re going to find, you know, the tight, they’re going to directors are going to require the superduper tight outfits and, and then that pervades women’s perspective of what sex is supposed to be. And when I talk about the vast majority, I’m literally talking about 96% of the top 100 Video movies of a recent year was male leadership, I can’t actually remember what year it was if it was 2017 or 16, or something like that. But it was male directed male led leadership. And that just means that we’re not getting woman’s values and woman’s sexual desires really, on on film, which is probably because women are like, that stuff belongs in the bedroom. Like it’s a little easier for women to wrap our head around the fact that sex is supposed to just be in your marriage. But for men, it’s like, no, it’s exciting. They hate to be doing that and open like, no, come on guys. And you know, the Bible says over and over and over again. It talks about how adultery leads to death. And Jesus says lusting after a woman in your own heart is adultery. Which means when we are watching even PG 13 rated movies, and there’s a very attractive sexually clad woman on there. And men lust after her that that’s considered adultery and the Bible talks about it Lee it’s it’s literally destroying his soul. So this is a big, big deal that this not happen

13:58
for you as a man so as a woman I use this metaphor a lot, but for me and a lot of women, we have our own issues, right we have our own things we

14:17
deal with. And so for me, it was eating and by God’s grace has given me a ton of freedom around that every now and then I have like a little blooper and it’s like, Oh, dang it. I

14:34
thought I was done with this but least I’m a heck of a lot better than I was. And, but I know that when I have that blooper, it affects everything negatively in my life, like it just does. Anyway, so it’s really a spiritual discipline to have this in the right zone. So that’s just a note. But eating for me was was was a challenge. The thing is As my husband didn’t drive me to eat, he wasn’t the one that was like he’s not responsible for my food addictions. The thing is, though, he was an incredible healing balm for it. Which I’m trying to say is that as a wife, she is not responsible for your fidelity, and your faithfulness to what God is instructing of you. She may be an incredibly healing and helpful balm for you with sex addiction, and I’ve heard from too many men, that pornography affects everything, it affects their ability to focus and their their feelings of hopefulness and life and all of these, these non spiritual things, but it also affects their relationship with Jesus because the shame, the knowledge of the sin, like it’s so obvious, I’ve heard non Christians talk about just feeling afterwards, this, this, this weight, and this, this shame. Like, there’s no way to be proud of what just happened. So when I, when I do talk to women, though, it’s important to realize if you are a woman listening, that when you listen, when you look at the Bible, and it says, just the concordance search of do not commit adultery, or is just humongous. But when you look at the Bible, and you see all of that, the wise wife looks at that. And instead of saying, Yeah, I know don’t commit adultery, he should not be doing that stuff. Like he, the thing is, what we should be seeing in that is, wow, sex is powerful. And it is tempting for our husbands. I need to be so encouraging and inviting and helping him avoid the worst thing. Because it’s that tempting. I mean, the the wisest men in the whole Bible, aside from Jesus fell, because of sexual temptation. I’m talking about King Solomon, like this, this means the wisest, and he went away from God because of women, because he just couldn’t get enough of all those concubines, and wife and all equaling sex, he wasn’t looking to have conversations with all those fascinating women. Like, this is what we’re talking about. And so, as women, we have an opportunity to be free and sex and, and to discipline our minds, to not bring pornography into the bedroom. Let me tell you what I mean. I’ve heard women say that not just one women, this that this is, I’ve heard this frequently is that my she may be came into the marriage feeling a lot more free. And then she found out about his pornography. And she found out he’s been exposed to so much. And that really took her for a loop. And she just became much less sexually interested in free and just feeling really insecure. Which then made her back away from sex, and be insecure about it and not want to do it and not feel good enough. The thing that I work to help women realize is that even though you think that your husband was the one that brought pornography into your marriage bed, I get that that was that is sinful, that is wrong. Yes. If a wife is continuing to put those images in her own mind, that she’s calling into her own memory, that oh, he seen things before, he only wants me to do this position because this is what he saw or those kinds of things. When you are putting that in your own mind. You are actually the one that is keeping pornography in your bedroom.

19:28
What I hear from men is that it is not hard for them to stay present when sexual intimacy is going on with their wife. No, no, no, they are. They’re They’re excited. They want those visuals, they’re like, their wife is incredible. And it’s not because their wife is, you know, a supermodel but they are thrilled to see and feel and be with who their wife is. It is the women who have trouble Being present in sex. So when I say men are not bringing pornography into the bedroom, it’s the women that are keeping pornography in the bedroom. It’s our opportunity, not just our opportunity, it’s our responsibility as women to not allow the enemy to ravage our mind with insecure thoughts, because we’re like, well, he seen this before, because I know. And then you’re putting these images in these visuals in your own head of like, well, he must be thinking about this, and this and this. And I’m not going to do that, because I look silly here. And I don’t look like that girl and data, data data. And I say this, obviously, because I’ve been there. So this is not the easiest thing. But I, I hope it gives you a sense of awareness that you think it’s all his problem, but now you are keeping this sin in your marriage bed. So it’s up to you to discipline your mind, to have confidence in intimacy. I truly think that confidence is a discipline. I don’t think it’s natural, necessarily. I mean, certainly some people it seems like they have a leg up on it. But for all of us, it’s it’s rinse and repeat, we’ve got to keep it up. You know, I think they say like, motivation is like showering, it’s a, you’ve got to get motivated, then go shower again and do it again. I mean, it’s the same thing with confidence you, there are certain tricks and certain things that you have to do. But really, it’s a discipline of staying confident of choosing, this is God’s will, for my marriage is an exciting, wonderful sex life. And I’m not going to let the enemy destroy it. Because of the sin that went on in my husband or my past. It’s just not, I’m not going to allow the enemy to be in the midst of our marriage here. Because that’s what’s happening. That’s what you’re allowing by the insecurity around sexual freedom. So if the question is, how can you help your wife have more sexual freedom, the first thing is the back off, to back back off. Again, you can’t expose her to all this language and all these positions, all this stuff, and think she’s going to be okay with that, that’s gonna make her think it’s like pornography. So instead have the strategy of I’m going to do beautiful romantic language around sex, I’m going to tell her her body stunning and beautiful. And look at her with amazement at her body. Again, you want to move into feminine sex, which is going to heal her way of understanding masculine sex. But you you move hard into feminine sex, which is much slower, much more meditative. There’s so much more I teach on this. But this is kind of the the cliffnotes here is that you, you move into the stuff that she is okay with. And slowly by strategy, you eventually get to a place where she’s okay with both and both are a part of your sexual intimacy. But recognize that her type of sex is not is not bad, or worse than what you’re attracted to. Pornography is not the pinnacle of great sex, not even close. It’s one type of sex that men are attracted to.

24:01
But she will be freer in the type that she is attracted to, and feels good about. And slowly, slowly, slowly, you’ll get to a place where both are wonderfully encouraged and a joy in your marriage. A couple of just specific questions that people have had over the years that I just want to address that would be good is given all this our images sinful. So for example, if husband wants to take images, take pictures of his wife naked or in certain positions or that kind of thing, is it sinful? The reason I think women are concerned about this is because it’s reminiscent of pornography. Why should he want images? Didn’t he see these bad images data? So again, the reason the other stuff is sinful is because it is not between a husband and wife and other people are involved. The images themselves are not so The fact that it is an image is not sinful a lot of times, it is very attractive for him to remember the things that went on between the two of you. And images are a really great part of that. The other thing is a lot of times images are different perspectives, then what he’s able to see in the position or the perspective he can see. So sometimes a picture actually shows him something that he wasn’t able to see before. And women, we don’t get it, there is no way for us to get why that’s so important to him, but it is. So we just have to trust, it’s that important. The other thing is like, this is actually a really great thing to keep in mind as a wise wife is putting up a mirror in in a way, even like a standing mirror, now there’s going to be a rush on target for standing mirrors, or wherever they sell them Wayfarer, maybe. But anyway, a standing mirror, because you can change the the angle, you can move it around the bedroom, whatever. But like he loves that, and one of the reasons is, is he can see so much more he can see your whole body or you can see a totally different position or, again, ladies, we don’t get it. But just just trust your husband loves it. And it is good. In your marriage. There are certain things that God gives us boundaries around in intimacy. And the major the theme throughout is it has to be in thought and indeed, between a husband and a wife. That’s that’s the boundary. People have asked is sodomy wrong. And the interesting thing is, I’ve done a pretty extensive lesson on this. And you know, what I think the easiest thing to do is because I want to convince you of all the specific Hebrew words and that kind of stuff, I have a write up of it. So if this is something you’re interested in, you can go to delight your marriage.com/s od, just to make it a little easier for you to digest the the link and I’ll send that to you, I’ll send that right up. So go to delight your marriage.com/s od.

27:18
Great. Well, I want to just encourage you if you’re a husband, that by God’s grace, my masculinity reclaimed Program is a program where I help men understand strategy for transformation for their wife. And what if I told you that it could take just three months and has a 92% success rate, you’d probably want to know what that is. Well, I am launching this masculinity reclaimed, be respected, enjoy fierce intimacy, and love being married again. I’m launching that for the next the next season. And at this point, I think I’m only going to start launching this once a year, which means that it’s kind of like a now or 12 months from now. And that’s why I’m doing this men’s training. There’s a ton of free really important content in the men’s training and the final video, I’m going to be inviting you into the masculinity reclaimed program and really understanding all that it entails. Because I have worked really hard to make this the best ever. And I’ve been tweaking it and changing it and shifting it because I want this for your marriage. But listen, a free podcast episode is not going to fix it. This is a big issue. It’s a lifelong issue. A lot of times people come to me and they have been married 40 plus years. And because the man makes the changes, things transform in their marriage. I’m serious. This has happened more than once. I’m not just thinking of one particular but like decades of years that she wasn’t open to certain things. She was against it in fact, and within days in my program, I would say weeks let me not exaggerate. Within weeks of my program, she is apologizing. Even if she didn’t know he was taking the program. Like God is good. God does things. But it does require your intentional effort. Let me tell you something as a husband that may be thinking well, it’s my wife. She’s the problem here. What I have sadly seen is I have worked with women in my delighted wife program, which is an awesome program and I’ll be launching that several months from now. But I have had women take that program and do all this stuff. All the exciting bells and whistles. Uh, you know, it’s a deep dive into all the cool stuff a really, she’s done it all. And then her husband became because he didn’t understand his parts to play actually undermined it. Like literally totally undermined it, and they’re back at square one. And she’s more resentful and more against it because he didn’t get it. He didn’t understand his role, and how to bring her to sexual freedom. And so this is my system. This is the V system, the proven process, step by step by step, week, one, week, two, week, three, three months for transformation in your marriage, like, that’s what this is about. So I want you to learn more, you can go to delight your marriage.com/ Men’s training. And you can really find out what this is all about. But like I said, in just a short while I’m going to be launching this class is a live class to give you live, tailored advice, tailored support, and there’s tons more bonuses and exciting things. For example, one bonus I’ll just say, one of the, just some of my favorites is a awaken her sexuality. So it’s very specific, and it’s not something I’m offering outside of the masculinity reclaimed program. So there’s so much opportunity for transformation, even for those that have barren, sexless like literally sexless for months, and years. And it’s a 92% success rate. So I think you owe it to yourself and your family. To at least find out the details and go to delight your marriage.com/ Men’s training, you get a free training as well as an invitation into the masculinity reclaimed program, be respected. Enjoy fierce intimacy and love being married again. So go there now before you forget, and and miss this opportunity. I’m not sure when you’re listening to this if you’re listening to this in the present or the future, hopefully it’s still available for you. Alrighty, God bless you and I look forward to seeing you on the other side of the men’s training. Bye

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I hope you’ll show your husband “everything’s going to be ok” by making love to him.

I hope you’ll read, write by hand, & meditate on Matthew 7:12-24 & Galatians 5:19-24 

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Playfulness doesn’t seem important now that life is so busy and stressful, but it’s actually central to a good marriage and a PASSIONATE marriage.

When you think about what your relationship was at first, it probably was full of laughter. Right?

The value of playfulness:

• Laughter makes you smarter
• Makes you more creative
• Improves your immune systems
• The JOY of the Lord is our strength

Rejoice… is a constant refrain in the Bible even in the WORST circumstances, we are invited to rejoice in the Lord.

There is power in joy.

Sex can be awkward, uncomfortable, and embarrassing just to name a few.

• And if there’s a playful culture in your marriage, it causes laughter. 
• If there’s not, it causes distance because you both are trying to look better than you feel.

For both parties, they’re insecure around sex, so if your marriage is more playful…

• You’re not trying to be perfect in front of the other.
• You’re not trying to compete with the other.
• You’re not trying to change the other.
• You’re staying present and looking at the joyful parts of life together.

I think this episode will not only convince you WHY but also HOW to make your marriage, playful, safe and passionate.

Get the Wild Romance video training ($97 value) for FREE by leaving an iTunes Review and sending me a screenshot to belah at delightyourmarriage.com

If you need more instruction on how at www.delightyourmarriage.com/itunes

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. Welcome, welcome. This is belah rose, thank you so much for joining. Okay, if you were involved in last week’s episode, I want to just thank you so much, the response has just been overwhelming. And I just I’m so honored and grateful. So so many of you submitted reviews, I think, well, actually, I didn’t, I guess I checked two days ago or something. But in in only, what is that five days, there was 40 More iTunes reviews. So huge, huge thank you to you. And for those of you that did leave me a review, you emailed me at belah at delight, your marriage.com B L A H, and I sent you those videos. So if you listen to last week’s podcast, I specifically showed you exactly how to review especially on an iPhone. And if you have a Windows computer, or a Windows tablet, like you don’t have an iPhone or an iPad, then I have specific instructions at delight your marriage.com/itunes. And a lot of people also went through those instructions. And anyway, I was able to give you that free resource, those two video trainings that really help you to understand how to romance your wife, even while you’re at home. So I give you specific examples, I give you guidelines and even a couple of bullets that are specifically if you don’t get these things, right, it’s going to undermine everything. So I would love for you to have that video training. If you do, again, you are spreading this work. That is that is all on your opera opportunity. And I want to thank you so much for those of you that did that it it means the world to me. And again, there were so many beautiful comments, so much encouragement. So if you want to be part of that, just search on your iTunes podcast, app, search, delight your marriage, I click on the one scroll down to see the stars, click five stars. Type in a review that you think is going to encourage others to listen, take a screenshot email that to me at belah at delight your marriage.com and then you go ahead and submit that. And I will send you those video training. So thank you, thank you. Thank you, I again, my heart just goes out and appreciates each and every one of you that did that. All right, well, let’s talk about today’s topic around a culture that encourages intimacy in your marriage. playfulness. Now, you may be wondering, what does playfulness have to do with sex? How are those together at all? Well, my hunch is that when you guys started out in your marriage, and probably in your dating relationship, you were playful. There was flirting there was friendly, kind of banter back and forth. There was lots and lots of laughter. And then something happened with all of the responsibilities and stress and arguments and maybe criticism and playfulness just wasn’t something that happened in your relationship anymore. And maybe there was a lot of things that stopped happening in your relationship including romance and including sexual intimacy. But what playfulness shows is a level of safety in a relationship. It shows a level of safety in the relationship and sexual intimacy from a wife. wholehearted sexual intimacy can only come out of a culture of safety. She has to feel safe in her marriage or it’s not. It’s not with a whole heart. It’s not so if you look at your marriage, and you’re saying it’s not very playful, then I would encourage you to really listen because there’s a lot of reason for this. So I grew up in a home that was

4:47
playful sometimes like I had a lot of siblings. So there was there was playfulness. We lived in a farm, lots of land to run around. And so there was there was level of playfulness, which was great, which was great. But as I got older, and the stresses and I became more of an adult, and I just took things more seriously, and I was more productive, and I was really focused on productivity, in fact, I think because there was so much physical labor while I was growing up. I had it in my head that productivity equals righteousness. I think a lot of us in this culture feel that way. And it’s just not biblical. It’s it’s just not. And there’s, you know, Mary, and Martha, it’s very easy to see that productivity isn’t,

5:46
isn’t the highest value for God. So, so yeah, so I was very productive. And I mean, I liked to laugh. But I also didn’t feel like it was really a priority.

6:07
And it wasn’t until I can’t even remember, where I learned this, maybe it was a book or something. Or I heard something at some point that said something around like people, like people who laugh easily at their jokes, like, it just makes somebody drawn to you, if you laugh at them, like not not laugh at them, like, like, in a mean way, but laugh at the jokes that they make, or the funny things that they like, it just, it causes a connection. So if it’s hard to make you laugh, it’s it’s not a fun feeling for those that are around you. If if somebody tells a joke, and it falls flat, it’s not a fun feeling for the person that told the joke or tried to get people to laugh. It’s just not, you know, it’s a very cold kind of feeling. So anyway, so because I’ve always been one that really wants to make people feel comfortable in social situations, and in all situations, really, that, that laughter has always been a really big part of those situations. If you can’t feel comfortable, we can’t go deep. And that’s what’s very important in my coaching is that we go deep, and we go deep, fast, because if we don’t get there, then it’s just more head knowledge. And that doesn’t change your heart. So anyway, so I think laughter is very important. And I’ll tell you a couple of things about laughter, it actually makes you smarter. Yeah. So there’s this great book about negotiation. And it’s called never split the difference. And it’s not a Christian book, but it’s by a guy who was one of the top FBI hostage negotiators. And he talks about negotiation, but one of the things he talks about basically, to win over the enemy, is to make them smile, to make them laugh. So these are people he is negotiating for other people’s lives, and laughing about it, what and yet the reason is, is that builds trust, so that but it also makes you smarter, and it makes you more creative. So you and the other person are starting to think outside of the box, and you’re lowering the stakes, they’re starting to trust you. And another thing which is funny in this season, especially is that it improves your immune system. And I just think it’s, it’s amazing that God gave us this, this opportunity, it even talks about I was reading I don’t actually remember even where it was, but I was reading in the Bible. And it talks about Jesus rejoicing in the Holy Spirit. And it was just like, Oh, my goodness Jesus. And and I can imagine if children wanted to hang out with a revered Rabbi, I mean, he must have been a pretty good time to hang out with. I mean, people called him a glutton, and a drunkard because he would go to weddings, he would enjoy himself. He would have dinner with his friends, like clearly there there was, there was rejoicing going on. And that’s a consistent theme in the Bible. Consistently, even in the hardest times, and I want to make a light of what you may be going through and what the world is going through right now. There are so many people suffering, so many. And what I have found to be true and to give me encouragement is the joy of the Lord is my strength. God doesn’t want me sitting here wringing my hands saying, Oh, I can’t do anything. Oh, All these terrible things are happening, there’s nothing

10:03
there is, we’re supposed to be Jesus hands in the world. Now I’m not the head of a nonprofit, I used to work in nonprofit I know they’re horribly, like, not horribly funded, like I was just gonna say there, they always need more funding is what I’m trying to say. So I can’t be the hands, I can’t go out and do a nonprofit and, you know, specifically give to the people that are suffering all over the world. But you know what I can do, I can be the arms of those hands, I can financially give to the nonprofits. So if I’m so depressed by what is happening in the world, or any stressor in my life, at any season, if I’m so depressed, then I can actually be practically thinking creatively, thinking, positively thinking in a way that says, God, I trust you. In the midst of this, I can still have joy, then I can be thinking about what I can do to help. And most of the time, I can give money, there’s always that opportunity. So if you aren’t heading a nonprofit, God has probably purposed your wealth, to bless others in a very strategic wise way. So when I give to nonprofits, I make sure that those nonprofits are good stewards of the finances. Like I want them to be spreading God’s Word in a way that is very practical. So one of the things like that I have that I specifically give to is World Vision. I have toured one of their facilities, I have been able to speak to some people in different developing nations that have told me good things about World Vision. And so I that’s one that I just, you know, even without having all the time and effort to research all the different ones, that’s one that I’m just like, yes, use that. Anyway. So the point of the matter is, because bad things are happening. Yes, we are to grieve with those who are grieving, there is a time and place for that. But at the same time, Paul, while he was in prison, possibly awaiting execution said Rejoice in the Lord always. And again, I say rejoice. Do not be anxious for anything, but in everything, through prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, make your request be made, knowed known to God. And that some Philippians four, four, Rejoice in the Lord always again, I will say rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything. by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God, which passes surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable. If there is any excellence, if there’s anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. I rejoice in the Lord greatly. That now at length you have revived your concern for me, and it continues. But Paul is literally in prison. And he is rejoicing in the Lord and he’s encouraging a group of people to rejoice in the Lord always. Let that be our stance, that when everyone in the world is concerned and worried, we can rejoice in the Lord and we that drives us to action. Paul was in prison, but he encouraged others drive you to action, to give money to be very practically helping others in this season. So why does this matter for your sex life? What is this matter for your marriage? I mean, it’s obviously a biblical notion. But sex can be very awkward. It can be uncomfortable, it can be embarrassing, just to name a few of the uncomfortable feelings that can go along with it. But

14:54
if there’s a playful culture in your marriage, it causes laughter But if there’s not a playful, safe culture, it causes distance. Because you’re both are in a spot of like trying to look better for your spouse. And it’s like, I don’t know, I’m feeling uncomfortable, so you can’t be open about it. For both parties, if they’re sorry for both parties, they are insecure around sex. So if your marriage is more playful, you’re not trying to be perfect in front of the other, you’re not trying to compete with the other, you’re not trying to change the other, you’re staying present. And looking at the joyful parts of life, focusing on the funny and the interesting and the curious. So I really love a thinker, named Jordan Peterson. He is a psychologist and I heard an interview when he was talking about white collared workers versus blue collared workers. And one of the things that I think that he said that white collar workers have lost is the playfulness and the comic relief, that almost indefinitely like always happens in a blue collar worker environment. So he used to work in I can’t remember what he was what he was, I think it was the restaurant industry. And he just remembers being with all the guys and cutting up and you know, having fun inside jokes and being silly with just different things. And it made the day enjoyable. And it was it people liked coming to work and being there because the other guys had their back had the other guys back. And it was it was just a very playful environment. I mean, certainly the work was hard. But the levity that the guys did what made it much, much more bearable. And, and the truth is, I see that too. I see that in a lot of ways. But a lot of times white collared workers, there’s not that level of playfulness, there’s not that level of, of fun, working together. And so I say that because what I find is physical work, makes playfulness easier. Physical work makes playfulness easier if you have that perspective. So some kind of physical project, if you live on a farm, or you have physical things that need to be done. These are really good opportunities to be playful, really, really good ones. So I just remember some projects my husband and I took on when we were dating. One thing we did was read, we redid he was renting a room in a couple’s house when we were dating. And so it was the basement. And there was like a, just a junk room full of just, it was just so full of junk and dust and all that stuff. And I decided to give my new boyfriend a ridiculously expensive resin that I couldn’t afford, anyway. But I gave him a punching bag. And I thought it was a good way for him to get out some of his anger, rather than some of the more unhealthy ways that he was using at the time. And anyway, we spent several hours getting this whole thing like organized and cleaned and the whole room looked awesome. And we put curtains up so you couldn’t even see some of the junk and and then we put up this this great punching bag. And he used that and but it was the process of doing that together like created teamwork of I’m picking up something while he’s moving. The other thing and, you know, we had to pick up the heavy things together. And we had to creatively think, oh, where can we put this? How can we do this. And when you have the perspective of this is going to be a fun project. Rather than Oh, this is work and I hate it. The second stance of the the attitude you bring to a project is is it causes there to be stress rather than if it’s a physical project, it can actually bring you guys together. Here’s here’s why there’s so many opportunities for be like, Oh, wow, look at those muscles. I like what I’m seeing. Right. So that’s, that’s just a playful compliment, or something around like, wow, I didn’t even think of that idea. What a great idea. And it’s just inserting positivity in your relationship all the time. Whereas if you’re doing bills together, it’s a little harder to put that playfulness in there. I mean, you can just work at it.

19:51
So let’s talk about what playfulness is not. Playfulness is not mean teasing and something that If your partner is insecure about is off the table. So for me some things that are off the table are food, weight, physical characteristics in a negative way. So alright, the caveat is unless you both know it’s okay. So for example, my husband’s weight, he’s always been very healthy looking. When we started dating, he had a six pack, maybe an eight pack, I don’t know, but his muscles were cut. And now he’s got, he’s still extremely sexy. But you know what, he’s got a little bit of a dad bod. And, and he makes fun of that. Right? Like, I, I only do it because he does. But we we do it in a way. Like, I’m always complimentary about it. Like he’s got the sexiest DadBod there is, folks. So. But the point is, if he ever thought that my weight or my physical appearance is never on the table, I don’t care what I looked like when we first dated, I don’t care what I look like now, that is not allowed to be made fun of. So we all have our things, right? There are things that are are on the table for teasing and things that are off and you have to be very sensitive and just careful about that. Another thing that is, it’s not passive aggressive, right, playfulness that’s going to add to your marriage and be positive in your marriage is not passive aggressive. There’s not mean sarcasm, you have to be superduper careful that sarcasm is positive. And if you’re not sure it’s gonna land well, just don’t do it. Don’t do it. And sometimes, you know what, sometimes I’ll make a joke for my husband, and then I’ll be like, oh, shoot, does that hurt your feelings? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings on that. And that’s, that’s a very natural normal conversation. And again, it outlines the safety, I would never want to hurt his feelings by a playful remark. And so it’s good for me to to mention it and apologize if it did. And I’m grateful. Sometimes it does. Sometimes I I thought this was on the table. And it wasn’t and I’m sorry. And I didn’t mean to do that I was poking, you know, trying to try to be playful. And it’s worth it, it’s worth to try playfulness out. Because again, that just is a constantly making our marriage safer. The next thing is you want to be conscious of what level of playfulness that you’re at now. Because you always want to be moving things towards more safe and more playful. So you don’t want to like go to a 10 out of 10 playfulness when you guys right now or like two out of 10. And you know, if you just start teasing and being fun and relax like I am with my husband, well, you’ve got a process in order to get there. So you just start by little things, little things that may get a little bit bigger and more. Okay, so let’s talk about what playfulness is. Playfulness is making them look good. So if my husband corrects me about something instead of a fit being offended, which I really try not to be, but one of the things I do is I’m like, Wow, I’m so grateful I have such a smart husband. Look at that. That’s why I’m married you honey for those brains. And so I’m saying it in a tone that’s playful. I’m not saying it in a tone that sarcastic or mean, or passive aggressive. It’s really all about what how you say it. My husband sometimes says it’s less about what you say, and more about how you say it. Which is actually why I like podcasting more than I like writing because it’s very hard to like communicate tone. In in a in writing. So anyway, just FYI. Another thing is, you know, I, I’ll say things like when we have miscommunication, or we’re, we’re starting to get into some tense territory. I’ll try to make it a little lighter. You know, we’ll try to laugh about something if we can, if we can break the tension and laugh. Remember, that makes both of us more creative. It makes both of us smarter. It makes both of us trust more. So see what you can do to

24:39
do that. Another thing is its physical, physical. I mean, you’re married to the person fiscals a great way. Tickling is a very big part of our marriage and our family. We’ve got two young boys so it’s a perfect thing that you know, I’ll take a look Little boys and then my husband’s nearby. So I’ll just tickle him a little bit. And then we’ll just have this great, huge tickle fight. And I don’t really like being tickled that much, but I will do it just so we can have belly laughs in our house. And that’s a consistent part of our culture. But yeah, touching is a big thing. For us. We live in a in a, in an apartment in New York City. So it’s very frequent that we get in each other’s way. And we’ve made it a game. And and it’s always been unspoken, but it only was in probably the last year that we realize that this is like, I didn’t even know the words to it. But yes, it’s getting each other’s way. But we’re very respectful in our home. So, you know, I’ll say, Oh, honey, would you mind if I reached over or like, you know, excuse me just a moment or whatever, we’re always being extremely respectful to each other. But because we have that baseline of I trust my husband, and know that he’s not like, I know he’s real, he respects me. So then kind of the next stage of that is playfulness on top of that respect. And so he’ll like, reach over to get a glass, but then he’ll fumble around with the glass. So I’m like, backed up kind of in a corner, trying to let him have his space to get the glass, but then he’s just pretending that it takes him 30 seconds to get the glass. So. So anyway, so so we do that kind of stuff all the time, where we’re getting in each other’s way, or like another thing, just the other day, my husband was holding me I was upset about something. I can’t even remember what it was now. But he was holding me to make me feel better. And, and then I’m, like, struggling to get in a comfortable position. But it keeps holding me too tight. So I can’t move and I’m like, Honey, I’d like to move my shoulder. And then he just laughs So I, then we’re both laughing because now I realize he was doing that on purpose. But because we have this like trust built up, you know, it’s a, it’s a, I guess the word is a positive feedback loop. Like because there’s playfulness, there’s trust. And because there’s trust, there’s playfulness. And it just goes in this really positive way up and up and up. So so yeah. So that’s that another thing is. So doing something a tiny bit too much, that makes both of you laugh, but doesn’t move into annoyance. So like if my husband just kept holding me like that, like that would be annoying. Like it would get to a place where I’d be like, stop doing that, right? Like it would just get too far. So it’s very light teasing, right? It’s it’s a physical aspect that that ends, once you realize the the teasing part, you don’t want to like, go and go and go and that that does become annoying. And then it lessens trust because it’s like, oh, okay, they don’t get that this has to stop at some point. Like even things like grabbing your wife and dancing with her, you know, and and singing the song that you guys have together. Like that would be fun. One thing to keep in mind is you can’t force your spouse to be playful. Like that’s, that’s the opposite of helpful. So, for example, my husband doesn’t like to dance. He’ll do it for me. And, but he’s just not, you know, I just like doing crazy things. Now, I’m not a dancer that has skill. Let me just tell you that I just like moving around and being silly. But so there’s a farmers market that is very close to our house every Saturday during COVID They’re not doing it but usually it’s every Saturday. So we’re standing out there with our kids are running around doing fun things on the on the rocks, and then we’re watching them and I don’t know I wanted to I wanted to dance. So I start singing a song that we we love together it goes. It was a song actually I sang at our wedding and it goes like this. I won’t give up on us. Even if this guy’s gang rough. I’m giving you oh my love. I’m still looking.

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Anyway, so I started singing that song because it was in my head and then I grabbed my husband and was like, I’d love to dance. Now I’m not forcing him to dance. I’m not even asking, Can we dance? I’m just saying I’d love to dance. And so that I just and he’s open to it. So I just hold his hand and I’m dancing and I’m twirling myself around and he’s just standing there. So It’s just adding playfulness. It’s just being silly together being fun together. But he’s, and then it’s I think he started twirling me around like he was engaged, he just doesn’t have to do what I think is gonna be fun. But he can be part of the experience, but he doesn’t have to, like, I’m not forcing him, or mad at him that he’s not dancing to. It’s like, No, this is just because it makes me smile. Um, another thing is kids are so great for being playful because they want that’s the that’s the natural state of children, they want to be playful. So it’s so easy to be playful with them and involve your spouse. Even things that I’m saying things to my husband, my kids, since compliments is such a common part of our lives saying things like isn’t papi amazing? You know, that’s normal to say. But then I might say that in a in a way, when my husband does something, like something wrong, or, you know, embarrassing, I could just be the case of papi amazing. And since that’s a normal thing, you know, so then we all laugh, right. And, and so it’s a great way to just include laughter and playfulness with your kids. Again, physical is so easy with kids because they, they always want you to pick them up or tickle them or, or wrestle with them or what have you. And, and that’s just so easy to put playfulness. So of course, and I kind of touched on this already, playfulness does have limits, you’ve got to consider the situation is now the time to tease are these the people around which duties. So for example, my husband has, like my husband and I have things that we can tease each other about, not around other people. But when we’re around other people, I would never say that in front of other people just like He would never say that about me in front of other people. In front of other people, it’s really the opportunity to encourage even in a playful way your spouse. But it’s really not about teasing, like when you’re around others, there’s a whole different level, you you would want to say encouraging things around about them. The other thing about being playful, is it is vulnerable, and it is risky. Just expect that like it is going out of your way to do something that could fall out flat. And that’s okay. So but this is the most, this should be the safest person in the world. And if they are not the safest person in the world, becoming the person that makes your your your marriage playful, causes it to become safer, and your spouse to become safer. But you’ve got to do the work first. And you’ve got to be on undefendable one of my students read that and recommended to me I have not read it yet, but I love the concept. And I I’m going to read it I read through the table of contents the other day, and it just feels Yeah, we can’t be offended. That’s, that’s messing up the whole thing. So once I read it, I’ll be able to recommend it, but they recommend it. The other thing is it requires you to prioritize peace. If there’s not peace in your marriage, it’s just not gonna work. You can’t have playfulness, and then accusations and assaults in the same day like just not. So you need an environment of peace, you need to just decide I’m not going to have arguments with my spouse, it’s not worth it. I love a phrase I heard recently is, is hold your preferences lightly. The major things are few and far between honestly, they’re few and far between. And so that’s fine, you have to have, you have to confront the major things, but be strategic about it. If you’re at a place where you’re already at odds, then you are not going to effectively come to a good result resolution on the big things. So let go of the little things, the little things that are mostly just about your preferences, and instead latch on to peace and playfulness and creating a good environment, making sure there’s good blood between you two before you ever try to tackle a difficult thing. So stop the direct assaults be open about the things that are good. Openness is not the same as honest. You can be honest,

34:38
by sharing the good things because they’re there. But if you’re only looking at the bad things and being open about the bad things, it’s not going to get you guys forward. It’s not going to move you guys forward. So be honest, but don’t be open about everything be wise about what you share. So disciplines to adopt Insert level levity around situations. So instead of blowing up about spilling all the beans on the floor, think about how this will be a funny story later. Don’t curse, don’t even breathe heavy, keep it light, I have possessions that I love, and sometimes they break. And a lot of times I break them. So it’s like, okay, well, it’s more important to me to laugh and have a good environment than my home than it is for me to have a lot of nice stuff. It’s just not, it’s what’s really going to be valuable in eternity. Well, my husband’s relationship with Jesus and my kids relationship with Jesus, they see me more than anyone else. And if I am I am a terrible character in the home. What? Like, what is that teaching them? Like? Those are the two people for sure are in my assignment, or my husband, my kids, that is for sure. In my assignment, and the other people, for example, do I am I think you guys are in my assignment. I think that, that my coaching clients are I mean, that’s, I believe I have faith for but my kids and my husband are for sure, in my assignment. And so if I’m not loving them in a way that attracts them towards Jesus, then I’m missing it, I’m missing the boat. So they see me when I respond to my favorite mug breaking, which happened yesterday or something, I just a lot of times for me, it’s easier for me to okay, I broke something. So I just, I just leave it there for a while. It’s easier for me to do that. Then like jump up, sweep it up, have all this adrenaline rush and negativity and all that. I’m just like, I’ll get it. I’ll get it a little later. I’ll deal with the emotional sadness later. And it just keeps me calm. I don’t curse I don’t get upset, I don’t have a breather. I’m just like, well, it’s just a mug. I’m so glad I had it for the year that I had it when I thought it was so beautiful. And luckily, I have a lot of other mugs, so I’m just fine. I’ll be just fine without those mugs. The other thing it is is a wonderful and this is just a side thing is like treasures in heaven guys, you know, when when things break when, when you get some varmint in your house, and you have to throw away a bunch of things like it’s, it’s, it’s great that God reminds you your treasures are in heaven. Like stop. It’s it’s a support for you to not be so attached to physical things. It’s a it’s a discipline in your heart, my treasures are in heaven, like the mug was not a treasure. Like, wasn’t that big of a deal. Like, it’s sad, I wish I had it, but it’s not a big deal. In the grand scheme of the way God wants me to think about life, it’s a grace that I don’t feel committed to a bunch of things. Another thing is insert compliments. I talked about that already. But um, insert compliments like don’t, you know, I suggest start out with three compliments a day, but up that eventually to like 10 compliments a day. And you can be complimenting anything and everything from physical features, to their character, to their personality to what they like and dislike. I mean, just just compliments, just throw them out there. It’s vulnerable. It takes practice to get good at it, but it’s worth it. Another thing is insert gratitude. That’s something that even the portion of Scripture that I just read to you, it talks about thankfulness. The Bible is constantly talking about thankfulness to God, even in the worst situations. It’s a command to be thankful to not forget what God has done, that’s good. Like, we can look out of our window and see the glory of God when He made trees and birds and grass. And, you know, wherever you are in the world, wherever you see outside of your window, thank God for that amazing stuff. Amazing stuff. Another thing is insert positive reflections. So I love to reflect I love to write in my journal. And it really depends on the questions you ask on how good your answers are. Like it’s really about questions. So

39:18
how have I grown in the last year? That’s a beautiful question because it focuses your mind on the positive on the ways that God’s growing you the way he’s shaping and changing and the good things, the good results, if even difficult circumstances. So you make your reflections like really good questions. And that again, also takes practice to make really good questions. But you could also say like things to your spouse, right? Like how do you feel like you’ve been growing in the last year how, you know, what are some of the if you’re not, again, that that requires a level of safety, right? So if you’re not at that level of safety in your marriage, you could say things like what if what if What were some of the parts of today that were your favorite? What are some of your favorite parts for today? Or what did you find that was really fun that we did the last week, or these are some things that these are good questions. You also have to be attentive to your husband or your wife’s personality, maybe there are certain questions that will make them uncomfortable, and you don’t have to force them to be uncomfortable, you can find a friend to have those conversations with. But these are all just ideas that may help you to get things more playful. The other thing is, don’t take yourself so seriously. Perfection, doesn’t need Jesus. We are not aiming for perfection. We are aiming to look like Jesus while we walk alongside him. While we have the Holy Spirit inside of us while we listen to God. That’s our aim. That’s our aim, we will look like him as we surrender to Him, but not as we say, okay, Jesus, I’ve got it from here, I’m going to be perfect. I’m going to guard myself, I’m going to do all the all the stuff perfectly. That’s not God’s request, his request is walking alongside him, trusting Him, learning from him growing from him, but not getting all guarded and afraid and being perfect. Also, the other thing I mentioned, don’t take possessions. So seriously, that’s just a really good thing. Be a little bit more laid back. And I say that to myself, as much as I say that to you. I love this phrase I saw, we were in Philadelphia, and there was a I don’t even know, it was like I guess it was underneath of a thorough way. I don’t even know what to call a cars passed on top. And there was like a pillar. And it was written in big chalk. And it said things are why we can’t have nice people. Things are why we can’t have nice people. And I loved it. I loved that. And it was, it’s so clear to me that so many times we value possessions above people. And so I want to invite you to just take a step back be a bit more laid back to realize your husband matters more than the to do list that you want him to accomplish. Like a playful, intimate marriage is far more important than whether or not the back porch gets painted. Like it’s just not as important guys. And it doesn’t have to happen on your timetable. Like there are things that I have indicated to my husband that I’d love. You know, this fixed, but you know what it happens a month later. So what we were in a great space of fine and warmth and in generosity between each other. My kids flourished for a month and then this thing got done. Like how cool is that? That I have someone that does things that I don’t have to do like That’s amazing. Doesn’t have to be the day I say it? No, it doesn’t have to be the month I say it doesn’t have to be the year I say it. Does our house look perfect? No. No, it doesn’t. Do I have my priorities straight? I think so. I think so. My husband loves me, he feels loved by me. He’s attracted to Jesus through my love for him. My kids now i i definitely make mistakes as a mom, guys. That’s why I’m not a mom, coach. But I will say that I do my darndest I do try hard to be the mother that they need me to be to, again, attract them towards Jesus, through my relationship and love for them. All right, well, let me go ahead and pray for you. I hope this has been encouraging. I hope this has encouraged you.

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Father, I pray in Jesus name that you would give the husband or the wife encouragement. Help them to see that playfulness is important. And maybe it has been something that they have thought only the Pollyannas or the people that don’t recognize the severity of eternity do. But I truly think that this is part of a gift that you have given your people to have your joy, to have your joy and your peace and gentleness, like all those things are required for a playful marriage. And I think it goes straight into their physical oneness, their intimacy, it is a reflection of their character. So God I just pray, Lord, that the person listening would value having fun in their marriage. It would be more important than getting things done or protecting their possessions or being angry at each other for the hurts and the pains and I just asked for, for a release of some of that that pain and that baggage and decision to be playful to be a little bit more relaxed to rejoice have joy in Jesus name. Amen. All right, listen, thank you again for joining me. I believe that playfulness and fun and joy is very important, even in the hardest seasons. So I hope that this is going to encourage you in this time, it’ll make it easier for your spouse for what they’re dealing with as well. The other thing is, thank you again, for the iTunes reviews, I would again be so honored, if you would take the moment to do that. And you will get a free gift. So just take a screenshot and email it to me b e l a H at delight your marriage.com and I will email you this wonderful video training that is approximately $97 value. So I would love love, love to send that to you because I think it’s going to be really great insight and teaching for you. Already will God bless you and we’ll talk next week. Thank you so much. Bye

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(Note: Free resources offered in this podcast for a review are no longer available.)

As a husband, maybe you’re wondering where the passionate nights went from your first months or years.

Your wife may be wondering where the romantic DAYS went.

But, maybe you’re stuck at home and it feels like you’re not able to do any kind of romance given the circumstances.

I hear you… I will add that I live in NYC, in a 1 bedroom apartment with two sons (age 5 & 6) during quarantine. Which means we’ve probably left our physical apartment 5 times in the last 7 weeks…

…and I’m here to tell you, you can DEFINITELY have a Wild Romance even during this season. (You’ll understand more on this show).

I want to gift (for FREE) two valuable resources from a $297 course that I have only offered to my current students…

Because it’s almost Mother’s Day & I think you need to understand the template on How To Be Romantic while at home…

And this will help you forever understand what your wife wants when she says she wants to be “wooed”.

There’s a catch. I give you a behind-the-scenes-look at how the business of Delight Your Marriage works. And how the podcast is made and why I think it’s God’s will for me to rely on people like you.

If you jump through some hoops, you’ll get the resource for FREE.

Don’t worry, I’ll guide you step-by-step on how to “jump through the hoops”–we’ll do it together! If you still have questions, I have a specific step-by-step guide, here!

THANK YOU, so much. If you’ve been a listener for a while, I am SO honored that you would take the time to listen all the way through this episode.

As you know DYM doesn’t have ads because I care more about your impact than the revenue that comes in that way. So THIS is how you can make sure the podcast continues.

And if you pray for DYM, please pray that people would listen to this podcast and do the steps so it can grow. The podcast is listened to in 155 countries worldwide and that’s because you have spread it–or done what I request in this podcast! So, thank you!

I have included valuable encouragements and insights for you but also an ASK from me.

It means A LOT that you would do this for me and for the spread of this work.

I love you.

Belah

(PS — We’d still love a 5-star review, however, over 3 years later we no longer offer the free training. Head to delightyourmarriage.com and see what is available now!)

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. All right, welcome, welcome. Thank you so much for being here, I really do appreciate you. So if you have been in the podcast for a while, there’s a few things I’m going to share on this show. One is the vital importance of romance and why it matters to your wife, even in the season where there’s quarantine, and then I’m going to gift you two resources that I think are going to be extremely valuable for you, I’m actually going to give it to you for free. The catch is that you may be a little upset at me because I’m going to ask you to go through a couple of hoops to get it for free. And then finally, I’m also going to give you a little bit of the back ground behind the scenes of this work. And the reason I do that is because I mean, you’re you’ve listened to me maybe for a few weeks, few months, maybe years. And I know that you value this material. And I know so many of you have messaged me and emailed and shared this with others and I so appreciate because I know you want to give back and I want to be very practical, on how you can help this show. And, and the work that God is doing through it. Alright, so let’s dive in. So the first thing I want to talk about is the value of romance. So a lot of husbands are like, when we first got together, there were romantic days and passionate nights. What happened, maybe your two three of marriage, it just feels like everything kind of fizzled out, and normal life took over. I hear that I hear that a lot from husbands and I also hear it from wives like she doesn’t feel pursued. She doesn’t feel wooed and life is too hectic life is too busy. And maybe you noticed that it happened because the kids came along. Maybe it happened when the career started getting more serious and commitment started going on. So a lot of husbands are like, where’s the passion? Where’s the intimacy that we had the fire the flame it was, couldn’t keep our hands off each other. What happened to that? Well, your wife may be also thinking, what happened to the romance? What happened to the young man that I fell in love with because he wooed me with all sorts of cool things. And it’s almost like both parties kind of forgot how we got here. How did we get to a place where we fell in love with each other. So even in the midst of quarantine, it’s so important to continue romancing your wife. It’s so important. If you want to continue to have intimacy, physical intimacy, then you should obviously have romance. Sometimes I say that to a guy like I don’t know what happened. Like, well, you know, you don’t want your wife to just forget about intimacy. Right? If you forgot about romance, do you want her to just forget about intimacy? No, you don’t. So what does it look like practically speaking to have wild hot passionate intimacy? And I mean, actually, I’m in just a wild, hot, passionate romance that that naturally leads into wild, hot, passionate, physical intimacy just naturally leads into the other. And you might be saying, well, we’re in quarantine, we’re home all the time. We’re practically stepping on each other’s toes. Every day all day, we, you know, we’re constantly around each other. The kids are here. There’s no way that we can have romance in this season. So I’m going to respond a little bit a little bit strongly here because my husband and I live in a one bedroom apartment in New York City. In the living room, we actually used to have a roommate in the one bedroom and we used to live in the living room. And we had built a small room for the boys in the living room space. So

4:46
now Thank God, we don’t have a roommate and we live in the one bedroom and the kids still live in their in their room. And there’s a living room slash play room area that that’s the way we live. I think A wonderful way of living, I think it’s frugal and allows us to give generously, it allows us to do what I think God wants us to do. But I’m saying this because we’ve been quarantined when we rarely go out, and I have a five and six year old son, sons, so that means they’re, they’re jumping on everything they can jump on, you know, we understand quarantine. And yet, we have a wild passionate, wonderful romance, where there’s butterflies and excitement to see each other. So I want to give you very practically what you can do. So there’s two, two things I want to give you, I want to give you a video that’s about guidelines on how to romance your wife during quarantine, like it feels impossible. It’s not it specifically bulleted out guidelines, and even gives you almost a template of how to romance her at home. And then I also have in that document and and video, a couple of bullets at the bottom that are focused on basically, if you don’t do these things, right, you’re gonna undermine it all, you’re gonna mess it all up. So get this right. So I want every husband to have this resource. I think it’s hugely valuable. And the second video is very practical ideas on how you can do romance like what what specific things will she do. So in terms of the value of these, these videos, I actually created a full course called Wild romance. And, and I love the chords, I’m very proud of it, because I think it’s extremely helpful for husbands. My husband listened to it. And actually, he was inspired to do something romantic that night, that kind of made me melt. And it just, and he does a lot of this stuff. But the course is wild romance. I’m not offering it to the public at this time. I, I may be launching it here in a few weeks, maybe around June ish time. So stay tuned for that. But right now, it’s only, I only offered it as a $297 value for people who are already my clients. So they’ve already invested in coaching. And then they have this opportunity. Because it’s not available to anyone. That’s why I’m trying to kind of share with you the value, I would say these two videos, it’s video trainings with the PDFs that go along with it, I would say a $97 value in terms of the value

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for what this is. So like I said, I want to give you this for free.

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Here’s the catch is that I would love for you to spend a few moments and we’re actually going to go through the steps while we’re on this podcast. So if you stay with me, you’ll you’ll go through it with me on the call. And by the time we’re finished with this, this audio, you would have earned the videos yourself. So what am I asking you to do is leave an iTunes review. Let me tell you why. Alright, yesterday Wednesdays, I spend time with Jesus. You probably don’t know that because I don’t think I’ve shared that on the podcast before. But Wednesdays, I kind of use my nine to five time to spend with God. And the reason I do that every week is because I’m really convicted by there’s several verses in the Gospels. But I’ll just read one of the, I guess the versions that have the exact same kind of meaning here, Mark 942 It says Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be thrown into the sea. Like that’s serious, that is serious. And I think because God has given me this platform and because you listen, and I am so honored and so thankful that you do so so thankful. And because you do you listen to my voice, even in a small way, somehow it affects your life somehow, even during just the, you know, 40 minutes that you listen each week. But the gravity of if I’m wrong. That’s a big deal. It really matters to Jesus that we get this thing right, that we don’t misrepresent him and cause others to stumble. I have been hurt by people who have called themselves Jesus followers, I have been significantly hurt. And it’s caused me to go away from Jesus. So I would never want to be I mean, by God’s grace, I came back only by God’s grace like he, he had me I don’t just incredible, but the, I think he gave me those painful, painful experiences, because he wanted me to realize how vital it is, for me to be tethered to him every single day. And for me to have an ounce of doubt as to whether or not I’ve really got this thing called following Jesus figured out because if I, if I feel arrogant about it, and I feel like oh, I know all this stuff, then it’s like, okay, what, what, what role does Jesus actually have in my life, because it’s, I’m relying on experience or knowledge, but not day to day relationship that I want to convey to you. So it’s very important for me to have those days. Like I said, it’s, it’s every week, I really prioritize that time. And I don’t take on as many clients as I really, I guess, feasibly, could because at the boundaries, it’s just, I want this work to go deep. I want there to be deep impact in people’s lives and hearts. And I’ve realized that I don’t have the grace to be on social media and mark it in those ways. Because I can’t go deep with Jesus. If I do. It’s just not my grace. I know there’s plenty of ministries and in businesses that can I don’t. It distracts me, it causes me to be self conscious causes me to compare. I mean, it’s kind of crazy how it affects my heart. And, and maybe eventually I’ll, I’ll have the grace, like, who knows, God might grow me and be like, Okay, I’m better, whatever. But right now, the way this business is set up, and I’ve really tried to follow God’s leading on it, I’ve messed up. I definitely messed up. But I think he has honored my desire to follow him. And he’s, he’s caused a lot of things to to come into place in a really beautiful way. But But here’s how I’ve set up this. This podcast is the reason you’re listening to my voice right now is because this podcast is financially supported through the coaching I do. So you know, I don’t put ads on this podcast. And I do that because I don’t think it serves the work. I don’t think it serves you to get you distracted all the time by by ads. Now, it does mean that I talk about my coaching, because that’s what financially supports the podcast.

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And I know that there are many of you that listen, that are just not in a place feasibly, financially. Or you’re just not a spot maybe that you even need coaching. Maybe you’re at a you know, eight out of 10 in your marriage and in coaching. It doesn’t feel like it’s really needed for you guys. So how do you get back to this podcast? Well, it is through iTunes reviews, because the thing is, most of the people I talked to most the vast majority of the people I talked to found the podcast through an iTunes search. And so if you go to iTunes, on your phone or on your computer, you’ll see that there are 20 Sorry, 221 reviews on iTunes. So the reason that the people find this podcast is because 221 have you reviewed this podcast. So I want to thank you. I want to thank you so much. It seems strange that technology. God’s hand is in that kind of technology. But it is the that’s the way he uses it. And so if you pray for this podcast, and I hear people that tell me that they pray for this podcast, and I thank you for that. I thank you, you pray for my marriage, you pray for my kids, my family, you pray for dy M and its impact. Thank you. I want to ask you to pray that God would help people to leave iTunes reviews. And you know, there’s a part of me that feels silly even asking. It’s a part of me that’s like, I want to give these people content and value. I don’t want to waste their time asking them to do iTunes reviews. And so, you know, God has been so kind to elevate this podcast and allow it to be heard in 155 countries worldwide. And on my side I can see downloads, and I don’t remember the exact number, I really try to look at it less often than more because it either inflates my ego or, or makes me other feelings. I’m just like, this is not this isn’t good. So, but something around 700,000 downloads of this podcast have been, you know, heard, there’s much. In fact, I think it’s more like 740,000. But I might have been looking at the wrong column. So there might be more than I really don’t remember. But the point is that 221 of you have all of the 700,000, you did it, you you persisted in the technology, and you made it so that it rises up in the charts in iTunes. And it causes other people to listen. And those people that listened, have been able to hear the gospel of Jesus. Like you have a hand in that you have a hand in that. Now, not just the gospel of Jesus, but obviously, truth that can change their marriage, and trues that are based on the Bible, when when there’s such a assault against the, the, the beauty of the Word of God, you’ve been able to hear those people that have listened to have been able to hear God’s word. And it was because 221 of you persisted through iTunes to do a review. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s a it’s technology, that is the game. When you listen to podcasts, they grow, because the people that listen, take action to make it grow. And so I don’t have the grace to market on social media on these other platforms. I had an assistant for a little while that was really focused on that she had a health thing, she wasn’t able to continue. And really I don’t, I don’t see that as the right step. Again, for dy m in the in the short term, I don’t. Again, where’s my grace, I have to follow where God is leading me. And I don’t think that that is where God’s leading me, I think God wants me to go deeper in him, and rely on him. For you, to allow this word to be spread. And I’ve also heard from a lot of you, it’s like I have

17:36
I want to share this podcast with my friends, I want to be able to do that. But come on sending them a sex podcast, I mean, that might offend them. And I want you to know, I get it, I get it. I am not. I’m not unaware of the the taboo around sex and every other topic that we discuss on this podcast. So you don’t have to do that. You don’t have to do that. If you do an iTunes review, people naturally see it, it comes up naturally in their feeds, like God can use you, and your persistence in that for doing it. Now, if you are at a spot where you’re like, I’m not gonna waste my time and do an iTunes review, you know, let me just bless you and say it’s okay. I appreciate you listening, I appreciate you getting what you need. And that is still an honor. So don’t don’t feel don’t feel pressured or that kind of thing. There’s no no hard feelings I, I get, we all have limits to what we can do. But if you can spend the next few minutes with me doing this iTunes review, I would love to reward you with these free videos as video training that I think is really going to impact you and your marriage. So what I’m going to do here now is if you have an iPhone, we’re going to go through the steps together. And if you’re in your car, you can just pull over and you can just, you know, just get it done. So then you don’t have to think about it again and you get these awesome, awesome teachings trainings. If you have a Windows phone, like let’s say an Android or something, don’t worry, I’m assuming you have a Windows computer or a tablet or a laptop, something like that, that has Windows, you can still review on iTunes through that there are a few more steps. But to find those instructions, you can go to delight your marriage.com/itunes delight your marriage.com/itunes and so I have been very intentional to pull out every single step 1234 to make it as easy as possible because one thing I realized is that you’re in quarantine, you have probably been forced to use way more technology than you have ever used or are even comfortable using. And you may be overwhelmed by that. And I have a lot of compassion for you, I, most of my clients are, excuse me, didn’t grow up with computers, they’re in their 60s, some even in their 70s or more. So I want to just be super, super understanding of that. And I want to just walk it through with you really patiently and and kindly. And I’m really prayerful, even in this time that this will be an easy process for you. So that’s my encouragement. All right, so let’s go ahead to your home screen on your iPhone. So your home screen means where all the apps are. So like when you turn on your iPhone, you’re on your home screen with all the apps, then go to the podcast app, the purple one. That’s probably the way you listen to my voice is through that podcast app. Now, on the bottom of the screen, there are four icons. It says Listen now library browse. And then on the bottom right it says search with an with a magnifying glass, click on Search. And then at the top, it says all podcasts. So click on that. If instead it says your library at the at the top, just click on that. And then there there will pull up an option to go to all podcasts. So click on All podcasts. Okay, now you can type in, in that search bar, type in delight your marriage. If you’re already subscribed to this podcast, you still have to do the steps of searching for it. Alright, so let’s say that you have typed that into the search bar you searched. Now the shows come up. And delight your marriage is the two people holding hands with the sunrise, you can go ahead and click that image. And now my iTunes page and look at that there’s 222 ratings. So somebody already did this work. Thank you.

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Thank you. Thank you. Okay, so now you’re at the page. And now you see some episodes. So scroll down for episodes. And you can see, there is a part that says ratings and review. And it says 4.5 out of five. So just so you know what that means is that the average rate on this podcast right now is 4.5 out of five, because there were some people that this podcast obviously wasn’t serving and helping them. So they did a one out of five review, which is the lowest you can do. Excuse me, I would love your help to get this up to five out of five, because again, that makes people listen, and it puts you higher in the charts. So that would mean a lot to me if you did do that. So how do you do that. So now you see tap to rate and you see five stars that are empty. If you haven’t rated or reviewed before they’re empty, there’s just an outline. So you want to tap the star that’s all the way to the right. And then go to the place that says write a review. And underneath the most recent review, you can see it says write a review. And there’s like a pencil and a square around it. On my phone, it’s purple, it might be blue on yours. Okay, click on that. Then there’s an option that says title. And then it says review. So this is the part where you can be as encouraging as you can for people to listen, and it encourages me absolutely no doubt. But more importantly, it encourages others to listen, and it causes this work to continue. Again, that’s how this work happens. So if you’re not able to monetarily you know, invest in coaching. That’s okay. You can help spread the word of the podcast. So then people who can invest in the coaching, do so this is an incredible part of you making sure this podcast continues. So thank you, thank you for doing this. So you write in the title and you write in a review you can do that now. Thank you so much for doing that. If you need more Feel free to pause me and keep going until you’re done. So before you hit send, take a screenshot of your phone. Now if you don’t know how to do that there are buttons on your physical phone on the left. And those are volume buttons, and you have a power button on the right. So if you have one of the later versions of iPhones, the way to do a screenshot is to hit for example, that top volume button and the power button at the same time. So you have to use your hand to push both of them at the same time. And then it takes a screenshot. And that screenshot is now saved in your photos. If you have a little bit of an older version of the iPhone, you hit the circle button, the physical button on the bottom, and the power button on the top right, you click both of those with your fingers at the same time. And that will do a screenshot. Okay, so you’ve done the screenshot. Now, the top right, hit send. And you did it, you reviewed the podcast. Thank you. Now all you need to do is send me those screenshots, so go to your photos, which I’m sure you know how to get there. Open your photos, click on the screenshot that you just have of the of the review. On the bottom, there’s three icons again, there’s the trashcan, the heart, and then all the way to the left bottom is a square with an arrow pointing up, click on that square with the arrow pointing up. And now there should be some options on how to send this. So you could text it, you can’t actually text it to me so but there, there should be different icons, one of the icon should be your email. So click on that email icon. And then you can send it to belah, B E L A H, at delight, your marriage.com and then click return which is enter. And that is it, you just hit send.

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Which is usually in the top right. And that’s it, you have done it. And I once I get that I will send you these resources. And I hope it’s extremely valuable for you. I really think it is my husband love them. I think it really is. So thank you for doing that. Um, I realized I just spent a long time going through my request for you to do a an iTunes review. So thank you, thank you for hanging in there, I, I want to thank you that I get to do this work, you are the reason I get to do this work. Really, if you didn’t share the podcast, if you didn’t do iTunes reviews, if you didn’t subscribe like that is why I get to do the coaching that I get to do. I feel like this is absolutely God’s plan for my life. And and I thank you that you are supporting this just by just by doing what you’re doing. And if you just left an iTunes review, thank you. If you don’t have an iTunes, an iPhone, but you do have a computer or tablet that’s on Windows, you can go to delight your marriage.com/itunes. And I go through step by step, if you are still struggling on how to do this, just shoot me an email, we’ll figure this out together. Honestly, it’s worth it to me. It’s worth it to me for these for these reviews to increase so that God can increase the impact of the podcast. This is my humble request that that you have a lot of power in in if you spend the 10 minutes to get this accomplished or not. So it means a lot to me. Thank you. Thank you for those that have persisted and have done this. I want to say I love you and have a wonderful Mother’s Day. I hope that you are extremely impacted through the resources I send so let me pray. God thank you for this listener, thank you that you have moved them in some way through this conversation. Maybe just because they learned some new piece of technology that used to confuse them. I don’t know. But I do know that you are present and I do know that you are with them and whatever they need. In this time they will receive from you. Even if it’s an encouragement that everything is going to be okay. Everything’s going to be okay. I pray God that this iTunes reviewing would be easier than they God, I pray God that they would be motivated to do it. I pray that they would understand the gravity of it and how much it helps. And I pray also God that every other form of technology that they’re almost being forced to use now in the season would become easier for them will become more intuitive for them. Later, thank you for what you’ve done. Lord, we love you and we praise You. Amen. Again, thank you so much for listening. It means it means a lot to me that you went through this with me and for me and for the podcast in the work. I love you and and I’m praying for you. All right, we’ll talk next week. Bye.

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So, what I’ve noticed is that all of us are insecure. For some of us it’s more obvious than others.

It shows up in life, and it shows up in the bedroom.

I want to talk to you about what men are insecure about around intimacy and I want to talk about what women are insecure about around intimacy.

We have the opportunity to help our spouse feel more secure.

But how do we help our spouse when we ourselves are struggling with fear of judgment, rejection and body image (to name a few)?

Well, I think we need to understand where that fear is coming from.

And that’s what we explore together on today’s show.

Do you feel worthy?

Do you treat your spouse like they are worthy?

How can you help your spouse not be so insecure…

-around sex,

-around professional things,

-around the ways that they are in the world?

Hint: it’s different for men and women.

(To understand more about this framework, and get a free PDF download go to delightyourmarriage.com/framework )

So, on today’s show I want to tell you about what I think will be helpful for you to love your spouse in a way that will make them

-take down their guards,

-be less perfect (yep perfection is a mask for insecurity)

-be more vulnerable,

-be more messy & real,

-be more kind & loving,

-be less awkward,

-be more open, and

-be more secure.

And you too.

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. All right, welcome, welcome. This is belah rose. Thank you for joining. If you’re new to the show, we talk about the important things in marriage, like intimacy, like your walk with the Lord, like emotional intimacy and physical intimacy. And I really seek to do it in a God honoring way. Today, I want to talk about why both the husband and the wife are insecure, around intimacy. Now, before I dive in, if you have been impacted by this show, whether a little bit or a lot, there is a way that you can give back without really having to do a whole lot. Luckily, it would be a huge support, if you took a few minutes at the most, it’s probably three, three minutes to leave an iTunes review. And if you’re not sure how to do it, if you listen in on your iPhone, for example, you can go to the podcasting app, and search delight your marriage, even if you already subscribe, you still have to search it to get to the place where you can leave a review. So you hit Search, and then you click on the icon, that top icon in the left, top left. And then you’ll see a bunch of shows, and you have to scroll down maybe five or six shows. And then you’ll see stars, and it’ll give you the option to rate and review. And so I’d love for you to do a five star rating, because like I said, that’ll encourage new people to come to the podcast. And also if you leave a review, again, that’ll encourage people to listen. And we live in a world where people look at numbers. And so if you can do that, it really doesn’t matter. On my end, how many hundreds of 1000s of listens, this podcast gets. It’s what people look at in terms of how many reviews and ratings. So as much as I wish it weren’t the case. But for this to be reaching more people, I need your help. And it would mean so much to me. If you could take the moment to do that. That would that would be amazing. So thank you. Alright, let’s dive into what we are talking about today. So here’s what I have noticed with people that I talked to with friends even, we’re all pretty insecure, some less than others. But generally, we all have things that we are nervous about. And one thing that’s beautiful about children is we can watch them and there is no self consciousness in them. They just haven’t developed that part of their brain, I guess. And so they’re dancing around, they’re laughing, they’re in their truest personality, when they’re, I don’t know, 5674 or five, whatever those ages are, where it’s just like, oh my gosh, they’re just bursting with personality. And there’s no, there’s no boundaries around it. Like it’s a beautiful thing to witness. And then we grow into maybe a little bit more self awareness. And it’s a good thing, because we can, you know, obviously, if we always acted like a six year old, there would be a lot of problems. So we, we needed to grow up. And we needed to have more self awareness, self consciousness, it’s a good thing. We went through puberty, and I’m sure there was a ton of insecurity, trying to figure out our place in the world. And then we grew into the high school years where we kind of solidified that personality. And then the, you know, post high school years, whether that was college or working or what have you. And again, that was solidifying our personality. And then we got to a place where some somewhere along the line marriage came in. And a lot of times people started in marriage with a lot more confidence. Then maybe they’re at right now, which I don’t think is God’s best. I think what God wants His our marriage to actually be a place that confidence grows, rather than diminishes. Why do I think that it diminishes in marriage Well, what I’ve noticed that happens is that we have these expectations that our spouse is going to meet.

5:11
Because we expect our husband or our wife to love us, the way that we receive love. And then come to find out our husband and our, or our wife receives love in a very different way. So they’re trying to love us the way that they receive love, and it’s just a huge mismatch. And yes, the love languages, if you’re familiar with that, that’s part of it. Right? If you want to spend time with your spouse, when your spouse thinks that the only thing that really matters to you is gifts, because that’s the only thing that matters to them, then it’s going to feel like you’re being unloved, even though they’re maybe they’re giving you gifts, but you just want to spend time with them. So yeah, love languages, the part of that, what I would encourage you to think about is a framework that if if you’d like more information about this, you can go to delight your marriage.com/framework. And I have a PDF that that clarifies this for you. So, but this framework is essentially saying that for a wife to feel fulfilled in her marriage, she needs three things. She needs to be known. She needs to be safe, and she needs to be cherished. So what does that mean? Known means that you know, her strengths, her uniquenesses, her personality, who she is at her core. And then you have to make it clear that you know those things about her. So that includes listening, that includes being there to compliment her about these strengths that she has. And the next thing is safety. Now, you might think, well, we’re not there’s no physical abuse in our house, of course, she’s safe. But the truth is, if you criticize her, if you make her feel small or less than if you correct her a lot of those things it, it rips away at the safety that she feels and she has to feel safe to be sexually expressive. So if she’s not emotionally safe with you, there’s no way she’s going to feel safe sexually, to then put herself out there. So it’s very important for emotional safety to be very vital to your marriage. So known safe, and the last one is cherished. That’s what romance is all about. That’s what dates and special going out of your ways is all about. And even right now, most people are quarantined. So it feels like well, I can’t take her on a date. Well, you can do things that are romantic. Absolutely, you can. It just takes thought and creativity. And again, because you know her, you know what she would like, or you discover what she would like you start to think about, you start to be creative around that. So you want to be thinking about would a extra special time where were kids are watching a movie and you you create a romantic atmosphere in your living room where you have a picnic, and you get the hors d’oeuvres and you make appetizers and you make all the different little details to go along with it. That’s romantic, and that makes her feel like you cherish her. There’s lots of different ways to cherish your wife, but it needs to be a daily practice for you. So those are the three things that will make her feel fulfilled as, as a wife, what’s going to make your husband feel fulfilled. Three things again, and this is just to make a framework so that can be a little easier for you, number one respected. Now I heard this probably my whole life. I knew men needed to be respected. But the truth is, I didn’t know what that meant. I didn’t know that when I criticized him. When I tried to control what he did or didn’t do. When I nagged when I corrected when I taught him that all meant disrespect to him. It meant that I thought he was stupid and men that I thought that my way was better than his. It meant that I thought that the fear that I had of somehow he was going to do something wrong, or he was going to embarrass me or our house wasn’t going to be perfect the way that I thought it should be. Those were things that were really just my fears. But he was feeling disrespected the whole time. So it would draw him away from me it would push him away from me. And so when I started to hold my tongue on the things that I wanted to control or criticize or correct.

10:04
That then caused him to be able to feel like okay, he can be himself. So the first thing is, is respect. The second thing is being admired as a man being admired. So Ephesians 533 says, this is the Amplified Version, let each man of you, without exception, love his wife, as being, in a sense, his very own self. So, among other things in that chapter, it’s a tall order for husbands to love their wives, like Christ loves the church, which is insane to me, because Christ literally died for the church. So the the value that Christ places on the church is immense. So a husband, deciding and choosing to value his wife above himself, is really what the Lord is admonishing to us encouraging us here in this verse. But the next part of it is specifically to wives, and I think it’s very helpful. It says, let the wife see that she respects and references her husband, that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him venerates and esteem Him, and that she defers to him, praises him and loves and admires him exceedingly. So lots of clarifications there. And when I think about my husband, I feel like I do those things to him. Now, just to clarify, hopefully, you are being treated well in your marriage. If you’re not, I have a full series about abuse. I think I did it back in the fall of 2019. And it’s very important clarification because if there’s abuse going on, that needs to be corrected. If there’s not, then you can live in a place that is truly all of those things. Now, I’m not saying that because you’re revering and honoring and admiring your husband, that every man in our society deserves that kind of treatment. It’s not true, because there are men in our society in the world today that are oppressing women in thought, and indeed, and my encouragement and invitation to you is saying that you’re not supposed to do that to every man. That’s not you. You’re not married every man you don’t have to treat him that way. But your husband is the one that you are encouraged to esteem and revere and admire. So the second piece is to admire your husband. And just like being cherished is a wife’s need to feel fulfilled. It doesn’t make a husband less than that. He needs admiration and respect. He needs it. It’s a valid need from his wife. You probably don’t need that. I mean, you would love again being known. That’s a need being being adored, adored, for your for who you are, that’s a need but but for being respected in the same way that a man craves respect from his wife. It’s different we can’t fully as women understand that. But it is a need and it’s a God given need. And the final thing, right, we’ve got respect, admire and the third thing for men to feel fulfilled in their marriage is wholehearted sexual intimacy. Now, I could just say sex, but I don’t because I have heard from so many men that says what we do have sex, we have it several times a week. But it feels like a chore. It feels like she doesn’t want to it feels like it’s just checking the box. And that is not a fulfilling experience for husband. He wants you to be there. He wants you to be present. He wants you to be in it. So again, you can find out more about this. There’s a PDF that I’d love for you to download at delight your marriage.com/framework to understand this framework, but when these things are present in your marriage, when you love your wife the way that she receives love, in a lot of ways almost naturally she’s going to want to love you back in the way that you receive love, at least as she understands it and the there’s more there. But this is kind of

15:04
at the very core of what may be holding you guys back. So what does this have to do about insecurity and fear in the bedroom? Well, we’re all insecure. We’re insecure in different ways. So for a wife in the bedroom, she’s insecure of things like, do I know what to do? Or is my body good enough? Or Am I sexy? Am I sexy enough to do this thing? Though, these are fear, she’s always thinking about the way she looks. A lot of times, in a wife’s mind, she’s standing across the room, even if she’s in bed with you. She’s perceiving what she looks like and wondering, oh my gosh, is my fat jiggling? Or is the is it? Am I looking awkward? Or is the sexy enough? And all those things are in her mind as she’s trying to make love? And then the other piece is men are insecure? Because they’re like, Okay, do I know what I’m, how can I make her have an orgasm? Do I know what I’m doing? If she’s not enjoying herself, it’s my fault. If she doesn’t have an orgasm, it’s my fault. And also, he is very insecure about his body as well, but it’s more along the size and shape of his member. That’s a huge insecurity for men, women, just so you know. I should clarify for all the men listening, I have never, I’m serious, never heard from a client, that she wishes her husband was larger. That has never been something I’ve heard from a client ever. Because women we don’t think like that. Men think like that men, they’ll make a competition about anything. But that’s not innately what women are craving. It’s just not. They’re craving to be known and cherished and safe. And that will draw them towards intimacy. Not you know, some crazy technique or some size or any of that kind of stuff. That’s that’s not the the draw towards intimacy for her. Alright, so, again, men are insecure in their ways women are insecure in their ways. Here’s something if you’re taking notes, write this down. Sometimes, we are so focused on our own insecurity, that we cannot even see that the other person is insecure. So we are acting out of our own insecurity. And our spouse is also insecure, but we can’t see it. Because all we’re doing is focused on our own fear. Are we good enough? So my invitation to you is to assume that your spouse is insecure. And figure out how you can encourage them, how you can make them feel more confident, more relaxed, more at ease. So all the insecurities I just went through, there’s plenty more, but try to put a curious hat on. If you don’t feel loved by your spouse, maybe there’s insecurity there. Maybe there’s fear there. A lot of times, men will say, Oh, are you kidding me? In fact, not only men, but women will say this too. If you saw my spouse with other people, you would never say they were insecure, never they’re the most confident person in the room. But let me tell you, if somebody is a perfectionist, it means they are afraid of looking anything but perfect. If they are critical of others, that means they are critical of themselves. There is insecurity about whether or not they are worthy of connection. Whether vulnerability is messiness, and imperfection is unattractive, or all of those things that keeps you all disconnected. As about fear is about fear. And you know what God says is there is no fear in love. There is no fear in love. So recognize that a lot of the time what keeps us apart from each other is fear is insecurity. Am I good enough? Do I know what I’m doing? And a lot of times we feel like well, I’m going to just be perfect

20:01
And that’s what I’m going to present to my spouse is perfection. But perfection is is. It’s particularly, right because if you’re perfect in front of your spouse, then you are presenting something that’s not truly you. So you’ve got your guards up while you’re trying to make love to your spouse. So it’s kind of like you’re coming to the bedroom, all suited up in medieval armor. And you expect it to be a fulfilling experience. It’s like, No, this is not going to be fun for you or your spouse, because you’re both suited up with your ideals of perfection.

20:48
So here’s what I want to invite you to do is recognize you both are insecure. And number two, what are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about it? Well, I have been looking at Colossians 312. A lot recently. In fact, it was some on my my whiteboard. And I crossed things out and rewrote them and tried to understand and tease out what this verse means. But here’s what it says. Therefore as the elect of God, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with hearts of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with one another and forgive any complaint you may have against someone else. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues, put on love, which is the bond of perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts. For to this you were called as members of one body, and be thankful. So I’m gonna read that also in the English Standard Version, just to give us another insight. So it’s put on then as God’s Chosen Ones, holy and beloved. So that first chunk reminds me that you know what, I’m imperfect, but God chose me. And holy and beloved means that I was set apart, and I am loved by God, the God of the universe, the universe, it means that my imperfect self, my human messiness, that makes mistakes all the time. God found worthy, not because of my own goodness, or righteousness, those are filthy rags, compared to God’s extreme righteousness, wonder and holiness. Right? Not because of him, but because Jesus chose me. Jesus made the sacrifice so I could be clean. And he found me. And shows me just like he found you, and he chose you, you are holy and beloved. So that that is our security. Service, because God knows us. He knows everything. He knows all the mess, he knows all the dirt. And yet he chose you. Even in the midst of that mess, and dirt and grossness, and he loves you. So there’s our security. That’s what we need to ground ourselves in, and who we are in Christ. So then we’re we’re coming at life with abundance of worthiness. We’re not looking for others to validate us we’re, we’re getting our validation from God. So then the rest is easy. We’re just giving away what we have from God. And to clarify what those things are, it says, Put on then, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. bearing with one another and if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body and be thankful. So There is a lot of wonderful things in there. And I would invite you to spend some time reflecting on Colossians 312, through 15. But I would invite you to really think about, I don’t have to be afraid, I don’t have to be insecure, because God says I am enough. And so when I step out of myself to love my spouse, the way they receive love, so whether that’s a wife, I want to know her, I want to make her feel safe, and I want to cherish her. You step outside of yourself to your husband, and you do those things for her. loving her as Christ loves the church. Like that kind of value you place on your wife, it is worth it.

25:55
It is worth it. That is God’s daughter, you’re dealing with, you’re not dealing with some creature that was supposed to meet your needs. You’re dealing with God’s beloved daughter that he chose, and you get to be his hands and feet in loving your wife Well, in loving her well, the way that God loves her, you get to do that. And for my dear wife listening, that your husband be respected, because again, that’s his emotional need to be respected and admired and wholehearted sexual intimacy. That’s what makes him feel loved and filled up, emotionally filled up. A lot of times, wives were like, How in the world could sex be emotionally fulfilling for him? Ask any man he is like, that’s a crazy question. That is exactly how I feel the moment of orgasm, he feels absolutely on cloud nine. And it lasts for a couple days. And then we get to enjoy each other again. So my invitation to you is to be wholehearted in that. So again, that is God’s Son. That is your first human assignment to love your husband well. And the thing is, if we get priorities messed up, if we mess up the priorities, then we say, Okay, I’m going to put my ministry and then my husband, and then my kids, or my kids, and then my ministry, and then my husband, or my kids, my husband and my ministry, that is not God’s priorities. You have to have your spouse above your kids, otherwise, your kids are not having the model that God wants. And you both are better parents, when you both are filled up in the love that God wants you to have. When a husband is filled up in sexual intimacy, he can be more patient with his kids. It’s just the way it is God created him that way. In the same way you as a wife, if you feel loved by and cherished and known, you are more present mother because you are not wounded by the lack of love in your marriage. But it has to be the priority. Because when you love your spouse, well, your love spouse, your spouse loves you, well, it’s just a natural response. But one of you have to get out of your own insecurity and fear, to love the other well. So again, put on as God’s Chosen Ones holy and beloved anchor of yourself in that you are chosen, you are holy, you are beloved, anchor yourself in that. So then you can fuel being a person of compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another, forgiving each other and putting on love. So I know you can do this. I know that the fear and the insecurity that comes into the bedroom with you. You can place it to the side and you can say I’m going to love my spouse, well. I’m going to make them feel more encouraged. I’m going to make them feel more secure. I’m going to have a compassionate heart for them. I’m going to get out of myself. And notice that I am validated by the God of the universe. I’m not a gaping hole needing of affirmation. But I can love my spouse well. I’m not going to be critical of their desire for validation. I’m going to encourage who I see that God made them to be you can do this. So let me pray for you Father, I pray for them. A dear spouse, whether it’s a husband or wife, listening, Lord, I pray that what you want them to hear. First and foremost is that they are your beloved, that they are filled up by you that they are fully loved by the one who called them worthy, not by their own deeds, not by who they are, but because Jesus, you saw them, you created them, you came to earth to save them. They were chosen. They have been chosen and called and loved to their very core. And that is what validates them so they can love others well. We love because we were first loved. God give them the grace to love their spouse well, because they

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have been loved first. God, I ask that any fear that they are given to you in this season, whether it’s fear on the outside, or fear just between the two of them, fear of getting hurt again, or fear of making a wrong move or being rejected? God, I ask that you would give them the grace to love and forgive the past. In Jesus name. Amen. Wonderful. Well, thank you for listening. Thank you for being with me. I don’t take it lightly that you spend time with me each week. I would be extremely honored and grateful if you went ahead to take the few minutes to figure out how to leave me a review. If you listen on iTunes. I told you how to do that in the beginning. If you listen on some other app, a lot of times there’s an opportunity to leave a review. A lot of times there’s not but if you can, I would really appreciate it and would encourage and increase the the breadth and the impact of this podcast. So thank you, again, for being listener from spreading the word from sharing it for other others to listen to. I

32:09
appreciate it so much already. God bless you and I look forward to talking to you next week. Bye

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Addiction runs rampant… for most of us. Myself included.

Especially when we’re facing tough things: anxiety, pain, loneliness, vulnerability, identity, significance.

During a stressful time we are trying to avoid the pain…

so we move towards the pleasure of distraction, entertainment, alcohol, gossip, food, video games, cigarettes…

God has specific insight into what to do on a consistent basis to bring us to PEACE.

Specifically, I’m thinking about this scripture…

Psalms 37:7 “Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him”.

That makes me what to squirm and run away and pretend I didn’t read it and that it’s not in the Bible.

If I’m really honest my response is

• “but I’m too important to wait” or
• “there’s too much to do to wait” or
• “waiting is not going to help anything”

Waiting feels like facing the tiger that’s chasing me. The truth is when I wait, when I’m patient, when I am still… I discover over and over again that it’s a paper tiger.

Is meditation New Age / non-Christian? I talk about that… and how to ensure your meditation IS Christian.

I share what I do to be still and be present in intimacy and OUTside the bedroom to impact my pleasure and presence in intimacy.

(Also, when “Receiving” in intimacy is too hard, there are other ways that are easier at those emotional times and it bring us together in beautiful ways).

A few resources I mentioned:

The Craving Mind by Judson Brewer MD, PhD

Deep Work by Cal Newport

International House of Prayer – 24-hr worship streamed online

Live a Life Worthy of Your Calling (the song starts at 1:18)

Delight Your Husband: The Christian wife’s manual to passion, confidence and oral sex by Belah Rose

—

I’d like to invite you to be on my email list. I send emails a couple times a month and I’d like to offer you some free resources for you…

For wives, you’re welcome to get “8 Tips to Stay Present” in the bedroom:

www.delightyourmarriage.com/present

For husbands, you’re invited to get the “7 Blocks to Her Libido” which clarifies what may be keeping her from desiring intimacy in your marriage.

www.delightyourmarriage.com/7blocks

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. All right, welcome. This is belah rose. And I am so honored and grateful that you’re spending time with me today, I don’t take it lightly that you spend half an hour, 45 minutes an hour of your time with me each week. So thank you. What I want to talk about today is something that I’m processing through. And sometimes I record podcasts that are a little bit more about my own growth. Because hopefully, there are people out there that need this kind of growth too. And if they’re not, then it’s a very selfish podcast. And so it’s for me and not for you. So apologies on on that. But hopefully, you’ll find some other episodes that are more for you. I do think, though, that this is going to help you because I have a hunch that this is what a lot of us are going through. And you know, sometimes hearing somebody else’s story and the way they’re processing their life can give us a format, if that’s the right word, or a way of possibly processing our own journey in our own lives. So here’s where I am. As many of you know, I love the personality test strength finder, it’s it’s a little bit less of a personality test and more of a discerning your specific gifts and talents that God has given you. And so it gives you the top five than in even the top 10 of 34. It’s based on tons and tons of research by Gallup, which is a Business Research Institute, and 34 strengths. So it even talks about if if you do the package that you get all your strengths, which I highly recommend, you can also see the areas that your weekend. And it’s not to show you necessarily that you’re not good enough, you know, in whatever things are the are the lowest on the on the scale, but it’s more about helping you to see areas that are just going to be hard for you based on your makeup based on the things that God has kind of, you know, he’s given you strengths, and he’s given you some things that are not strength. And that doesn’t mean that you’re destined to have, you know, a life of struggle. But it does mean that you have to rely on other people, you you’re not going to be 100% on everything. And that’s just the way God designed us that some of us, right we’re the body of Christ, as Paul talks about some of us are the the hand or the eye or the foot. And we shouldn’t be competing with each other, we should be grateful we are, what we are who we are and doing our role and relying on another person do their role in in their strengths. So for me, one of my strengths is activator. And for a long time, I thought that was a weakness because I was always trying to change people. I was always trying to get them to do things. And oh my gosh, I would make my mom crazy with it just felt like every Bible study or every time I was in a group or you know, if I’m leading something, I’m always trying to push the envelope change us to be more effective or more growth or what have you. And in some ways, that’s a great thing. I think that’s a gift God is has helped me with. But what I didn’t know when I was young is it was a strength. I always got to a place of after I had reacted that way in a seat in a setting. I then would get to my afterwards, I would feel so insecure and feel like I wasn’t encouraging and I wasn’t affirming and instead I was just telling these people they needed to change.

4:40
But it wasn’t until an adult that I learned of this StrengthsFinder test and I realized this activator. Part of myself is a strength. And now it’s just determining in what context. Does God want me to use that strength? It doesn’t mean oh, this is who I am. So everybody’s got to deal with This, that’s not what it is. It’s it’s this is a natural proclivity, it’s a natural way that I am. So how do I implement this in the settings God wants me to. So as an activator, as somebody who wants to change people and things and make everything better, and the way that I think God wants it to, it’s not like it’s, you know, I think it’s absolutely a God given gift. But some places that I don’t implement that strength is with my husband. That’s just not where it belongs. And so that is very important to me understanding myself. But one thing about that strength is impatience. It’s kind of a hand in hand with that quality, because I want things to change, I want things better. And I want people to act and I want to act and I want it to get done. I’m not one that likes to say, I’m going to do this and not do it. I’m just not, it’s so far out of my makeup. So I either like saying, I’m not going to do that, or I’m definitely going to do that in a season eventually, or I’m going to do it now. And I like to carry it out and do those things. So I’m at a spot where I’m looking at Psalms 37, seven, and it says, Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him. I gotta tell you, even just reading that I’m like squirming in my chair. Lord, I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to be patient. I don’t want to be still I want to act I want to do. And I just feel like God is not interested in action. Outside of his timing. There’s this beautiful quote by peach ska zero. I’m pretty sure it’s from him. I definitely heard him say it. So I think it’s his quote. But it says success is God’s will, God’s way, in God’s timing, God’s will, God’s way in God’s timing. And that is so far away from my natural want. I’m like, Okay, I’ve got these goals. Let’s get them done yesterday. That is what I want. And yet, it’s not God’s timing, I know that. I know that to my core that there are goals in my heart. And it’s just not God’s timing for him. For example, I’ve got young kids, there is no reason for me to work all hours of the day, to accomplish goals, at the expense of my children. Because when I look at the assignments that God has given me, it’s my husband, then my kids, then my calling, if you will, the the things that I think God has asked me to do assigned to me personally. But even that the quote calling, there’s limits to it. There are limits to it in specific seasons. Again, I’m saying these things, because I hope it will help you while you’re looking at this season. And if you’re listening to this in the present, we’re dealing with COVID. And what is your life look like right now? A lot of people, definitely not everyone. But a lot of people have a lot more time on their hands. And businesses slowed down, or maybe your company let you go. Or maybe the kids now are at home. So you’ve got to figure out assignments for them and you’re not able to be as productive in your career as you were just a few weeks back.

9:36
And so how do you reassess your life so that what’s most important right now is done right now how are you successful in this season? What is God’s will? God’s way in God’s timing right now. Because seasons change. It’s funny, one of the lowest strengths of mine is adaptability. And in some ways that really helps me to understand, oh, that’s why it’s hard for me to be flexible when somebody asks me a favor, and I had a vision for something to be a certain way. Or that’s why it’s hard for me to travel because, you know, it’s hard to get back in the swing of things, you know, getting all my routines and everything jostled. But when you think about seasons, we’re not always in summer, we’re not always in spring, we’re not always in winter, thank God. And we’re not always in the fall. It’s, it’s natural, it’s part of life that God wants us to be attentive to the season that we’re in. If you’ve got a consistency, strength, this is also probably something that isn’t the easiest because you, you like things to happen on time, a certain way every single time. That is not one of my strengths. I’ll tell you, consistency is hard for me. But I work on that, I’ll say that I definitely work on that. And it’s definitely definitely a goal. It’s just something I have to work on. So be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him. Fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way over the man who carries out evil devices, refrain from anger, and forsake wrath. Fret not yourself. It tends only to evil. Again, that Psalm 37, starting in verse seven. So when I think about be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him, I was reading a book about craving it was by a doctor, and he went to medical school. And he was doing a lot of research around how to stop people from addictions. And they ended up doing lots of studies in lots of different things. But he he started meditating while he was in medical school, because he got really sad he went through a really tough breakup. And his ex fiance was actually in the same class, as he was in medical school. So they couldn’t leave. He couldn’t like, exit medical school to avoid his ex fiance. But so he stayed with her. And he developed a practice of meditation to help him stay present, even when his whole life and plans were imploding. Yeah, the book is called the craving mind by Judson Brewer. So he does a lot of work on how you can break addictions. And the key Scientifically speaking, is about mindfulness. Because when we get into this addiction, mental mentality, if you will, it’s it’s a going on autopilot and doing something that really we know it’s not helpful for us. So whether it’s cigarettes or alcohol, or smartphones, or email work, you know, we know it’s this knee jerk reaction, when we’re feeling an uncomfortable emotion, we’ll run to that thing. It might be food, it’s definitely been food for me in the past, and sometimes I still have to fight that knee jerk reaction when I feel an uncomfortable feeling. But what he talks about is how Scientifically speaking, when you have practiced meditation, it helps you to be what they call mindful, in presence, to perceive what’s actually going on when you have a craving.

14:39
And the way that this craving loop happens is you desire something, you go do it and you feel relief, and it’s this. You feel perhaps pain, the pain of whatever it is maybe the emotional state That just happened. And then you seek pleasure. So you, let’s say cigarettes is the pleasure thing. And then that’s the the behavior that then releases a, you know, a pleasure for you. But then after that, you know, it’s it’s empty, you know, it didn’t really fix the pain that you were originally feeling. But it’s a loop. So you’re constantly reinforcing this process of pain, then you have to go to that crave, what thing that you’re craving, to then get to a level of pleasure. And yet you, you then get to a place where you know, it’s not actually fixed, the emotional pain that you were just going through, it’s just distracted you away from it, often causing the pain to be worse, because you didn’t process it, you didn’t get to a place of peace with it, or freedom from it. So what I notice, especially during this time, and that’s part of the reason I wanted to talk to you is I noticed for me, in this season, I am much more able to, or I have a inclination to avoid the painful thoughts that come whether it’s worry over what people are going through in the world, or concern of whether I’m doing enough or, you know, economic stuff, whatever it is, I noticed that for me, I want to distract myself away from that feeling. And so maybe I’ll work longer, or maybe I’ll get on YouTube and do semi educational, YouTube videos, but I don’t leave that space feeling rejuvenated or filled up, I usually leave that space feeling more anxious, really, though I maybe was distracted for an hour. So what mindfulness does is it gives us space to recognize that the pain and pleasure loop that we’re in, in this addiction helps us to really take a step back and recognize that it’s not actually serving us in the way that we want it to. It’s not actually producing the results that we want it to. So we get to this place of recognizing that the pain of worry, the pain of anxiety, the pain of insecurity, is not actually helped by that addictive behavior, whether again, is it going to social media? Is it going to complaining, gossiping, is it going to eating? Is it going to alcohol? Is it going to some sort of distraction, maybe work? And we sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking well, at least I’m being productive. So that’s a good thing. But what God is inviting us to do is to be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him. And then what it says is in verse eight, do not fret, it leads only to evil. And fret says worried or anxious is like a state of anxiety or worry. So do not fret, it leads only to evil. So what I want to invite us and myself to do is this be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him.

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When I was journaling about this this morning, I was like, what is coming up for me when I am told to be patient? I mean, I feel like a kid. I feel like this indignation of what I have too much to do. I am too important to wait. I mean that’s how I feel in response to this be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him

19:54
my mind feels scrambled after I distract myself with some kind of have, as I said, My my, my thing, and if you’ve listened for a few weeks, you know that I’m struggling with this, his YouTube videos. And like, the thing is, they’re not bad. If you were to, if I were to show you my playlist a lot of them are, they’re educational, you know, some of them are about news. Some of them are about, you know, funny things, but they’re not, you know, quote, sin. But James talks about if you know the right thing, and you do not do it, it is sin for you. And so in a similar way, that we all have our specific strengths, our specific weaknesses, we also all have our specific things that are sin for us. I think that’s true. And so when I spend time on things that are not helping me in response to pain, sometimes even just boredom, sometimes we’ll do addictive behaviors out of boredom. And then we realize that’s not serving us. But we can’t realize that unless we are really present with what’s going on. And present means you’re not in the future. You’re not in the past. You’re in this moment right now, I have been asked is meditation, this new age, sort of practice that’s not Christian. So there’s a lot of disciplines that are Christian disciplines, that are also happening in other faiths. So for example, meditating on Scripture that happens in in other faiths as well. And yet, it is a very biblical discipline, and it’s something we’re invited to do. Consistently, it’s important to Christianity. And yet, certainly, we could look at other beliefs and see that they too, are supposed to meditate on scripture. But just because it looks like another faith doesn’t mean that it discounts what God has asked us to do. Another example is prayer. Prayer happens in many other faiths. And yet that’s clearly very important to our lives as Christians. So meditation is definitely something that’s clearly in the Bible. Now, they probably wouldn’t say, well, actually, there is meditate on Scripture like there. There’s absolutely encouragement for that. But even a verse like this, be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him. I mean, that’s a very consistent theme in the Bible that we are to wait on the Lord, and He will renew our strength. What does that look like? What is practically speaking, waiting on the Lord? Well, I’ll tell you, monks, those that, over the centuries have pursued the monastic life. They have spent time in silence. They have spent time waiting on the Lord. And there there’s an absolute history to it. This is not brand new. It’s not 21st century Christianity. It’s been around for a long time. And the thing is, it’s countercultural, even Christian, countercultural in our fast paced world, because waiting on the Lord means disciplined. Patience, disciplined pursuit. I have definitely felt, well, I’m too busy to listen to God. Because God’s not on my timeline. He’s not on my timetable. He’s not going to tell me things when I don’t have the fortitude to be patient. I can’t sit there quietly. He’s, he’s inviting me to do that, that that’s his, that’s an opportunity to commune with Him. If I want a relationship with Jesus, it’s on his terms. It’s not on my timeline that I get to fit him in my schedule. You know, it talks about love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your mind, with all your strength

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and with all your soul. So if that’s really what we are supposed to be about, then the relationship with God is nothing like our relationship with people It doesn’t say love your spouse with all your heart soul mind strength, right? It doesn’t. It says love God with all of that. So is our relationship with God is on a completely different level than any other relationship. So it shouldn’t play by the same rules. We shouldn’t be thinking, well, if I typically spend this amount of time with people, then that’s the equivalent of what I should be spending with God. And since people speak a certain way, you know, I speak to them, they speak to that, to me. God doesn’t get to be in that category. He’s God. I mean, we are we have the opportunity to listen to the God of the universe. I mean, this is the man that that created it all that breathed life into each of us that spoke and everything we have ever seen, was created. That’s the one we are approaching. And that’s the one I demand has to be on my timeline. What, let’s so far, so far, is so prideful, it’s so prideful. And then if it doesn’t happen, I’m gonna go distract myself away from the pain of any feeling, whether it’s loneliness or conviction of sin. You know, sometimes I noticed that, like God will, you know, have a subtle conviction. And I’ll not want to face that. So I’ll distract myself with something else that is on the surface fine, and maybe even godly, maybe it’s some kind of, again, work. And so that feels productive and godly. And yet, maybe the most godly thing is just doing nothing. With God, being still being still. And again, it’s so weird, because one of my biggest strengths is about encouraging action on myself and others get going, come on. But if I’m going to love God with all my soul, right, I consider soul almost like my personality, my strengths, who God made me to be, that’s my soul, if I’m going to love him with all my soul, that means every part of me is subject

27:39
to him. Because love is boundless. I don’t get to have boundaries with God. How He reveals Himself to me how he teaches me and shows me and how I understand him.

28:01
I love him with all. As he shows me who he is, as he reveals a new thing, to me, it’s my opportunity to take that out of the way of love, it gives me an opportunity to take another step towards him. And so, as I’m sharing this with you, again, I’m convicted, I noticed my proclivities to sin, and my addictive behaviors. So what do I do? Well, practically speaking, I’ve noticed that putting my phone on airplane mode sometimes really works. And sometimes it just doesn’t. And so what I’ve recently started doing, and this may be extreme, but it’s it’s just required in this season for me, is to actually turn off my phone during certain times, like the times that I’m supposed to be off of work and with my family with my kids. My phone is literally turned off and in the closet or in my dresser drawer, because I’m not I’m not going to let my phone be a distraction. And again, the phone. It’s a representation of it’s really distraction. So whether it’s connecting with a friend or texting or you know, these are not terrible things. It’s the question of priority. It’s a question of how far do I want? How close do I want to be with Jesus? How much do I want to follow in his will? It’s not out of fear of if I’m going to be punished, but it’s out of an opportunity of how I want to live a life. Oh gosh, guys, I just found this song. I’ve mentioned International House of Prayer before and if you haven’t haven’t yet gone to I hop kc.org They actually have a live prayer room and you can tune in any time and actually be hearing Live worship, they’ve been going 20 years. It’s amazing. So if you haven’t gone there, I have casey.org That’s my weekly time with Jesus, I have a specific dive that I tune in and just, it’s amazing. So one of the songs goes like this. Alright, I’ll just sing it to you. I want to live a life that’s worthy of your calling, removed from me, all of the things that hinder me from loving you because I don’t want regret upon the day I stand before you. Maybe I be found a pure and spotless bride, ready for King. I’ll do it one more time. I want to live a life that’s worthy of your calling, removed from me all the things that hinder me from loving you, because I don’t want regret upon the day I stand before you may be found a pure and spotless bride ready for King. So I invite you to listen to the actual song. It’s much better than what I just saying. But the point is that, let that be our heart cry that we want to live a life that’s worthy of his calling. Yeah, so I just invite you to consider that. And so what do I also do so so that’s the thing of cutting out the addiction, like, like cutting it off, cutting it off. And if you’re addicted to social media, I was I had to literally deactivate my personal account. And thank god My Business account, I was only on it for about a year. But it was deactivated for me. So that worked out well, I guess, because I was posting too much about marital intimacy, and whatever. So that was fine. So I’m off of social media that way, which is great. But literally cutting off. One of my favorite books in recent years is called deep work. And what he suggests is cutting off social media, things that, you know, take your take your attention from the things that are most important, and cutting it off for 30 days. And don’t tell people you’re cutting it off, just cut it off.

32:43
And then gradually decide how to healthily reintroduce it, if at all. And for me, no I, I determined that social media was not helping me in any way, shape, or form. And I just I, the people that I cared about, I could send a text message to or call. And that felt like real connection. Whereas social media was just a distraction, and often made me in comparison mode and often made me feel depressed and lonely afterwards, it was not a helpful thing for my life. So my invitation to you is to notice, where is your time going? Where are you running from pain, instead of sitting mindfully in it, and recognizing that you don’t have to be sometimes, sometimes when we don’t face the pain, we don’t realize it’s a paper tiger, where we’re running away from something that’s not going to kill us or attack us. We don’t want to experience the pain of being wrong. And yet that’s God’s invitation for us to grow. So yeah, that’s that’s an I’m talking to myself. And I’m glad my husband’s going to listen to this because he knows I’m growing in this way. This is hard for me guys. I’m not perfect at this. There are things that God has taught me and grow me in ways but this is not an easy thing for me and, and so whatever the paper tiger is you’re running away from, I want to invite you to take a step towards being still and knowing that I am God. Right? That’s what Scripture tells us that we can be still and know that He is God. We don’t have to run from the anxiety. Instead, we can sit in front of Jesus and say, I know you are God. You can let God’s peace wash over you. In faith, you can stay in a space of discovery firt and it will pass it will pass. One thing the book I was talking about, called the craving mind. One thing it talks about is a person that had a craving for a cigarette. There are times in their life that they have gone without a cigarette, let’s say they were on an airplane, and they could not even so the craving came, they weren’t able to go relieve the pain of having a cigarette. And so the doctor asked them, so what, what did you do what happened? Then they’re like, Well, I had this feeling this craving, I felt like it was going to explode. And I just didn’t do it and went away. And so when you’re really mindful of that addictive behavior, of the craving comes, you feel like you’re gonna explode. But then you don’t move, you don’t act. That craving does go away. And again, Psalm 37, eight, it says, fret not yourself, it tends only to evil.

36:31
I talked a little bit about this, In my last episode, about what’s your superpower. And I want to invite you to recognize that intimacy in this time is very important. And a lot of times, especially as women, we will get stressed. And the last thing on our mind is sex, we’re just like, that is not going to help. In fact, that make me more stressed. Because I’m pressured, I have to have zag, blah, blah, blah, and I, I know those feelings I do, I know those feelings, especially when it feels like so much is out of your control right now. My invitation to you is to recognize the importance of sex, to prioritize it in this time. And it is not unlike the things that we’re talking about sex requires presence for it to be any kind of fulfilling for either of you, it requires your mind to be present. And so in a lot of ways, it can be a meditative experience. There are lots of types of sex, if you will. And it doesn’t always have to be the wildly fierce powerful gyrating until orgasm kind of experience. It can also be spiritual and meditative and slow and really connecting and paused. And then starting again, with focused attention on the sensations inside. Like that can be what sex is about. And so I want to invite you to recognize that intimacy in this time, physical intimacy is very important to your emotional well being as a woman, it’s important and you know what it is very important to your husband. Another mention is that, if you don’t have the emotional ability to be present, for sex, it doesn’t mean that you don’t have to, like it doesn’t mean that you can’t do another sexual activity that allows you to maybe serve more than receive because sometimes receiving is very emotionally difficult. You know, right, because the the husband’s penetrating the wife’s receiving, that’s the way intercourse works. But sometimes that receiving role of having to have your mind present is hard. And I get that, but you know what, sometimes for me personally, and I find with a lot of my clients, sometimes, the serving role is actually easier. It’s actually easier to serve. So I have a book all about penny, and you’re welcome to check that out. It’s called delight your husband, it gives the soup to nuts. Why it’s holy, why God even has it in the Bible, very specifically, and literally, it’s in there and how to do it. Right. So Penny is another word for oral sex. I don’t like the word oral sex or the words that are like it because I think it gives a connotation of the evil of the enemy, what he has taken what is godly and holy and turned it into sin in in our minds, but Penny is where a wife is is generously loving her husband in a way that brings him to orgasm, and she’s using her money in hand, and that is an opportunity to have her loving him serving him in the way that he receives love. So if you don’t have the emotional energy to love your husband, in this time in a receiving way through maybe intercourse, then a serving way is also a way that you can love your husband in this time. So I want to give you that option that literally, for a lot of people I work with, that can be easier. Sometimes they just don’t know that there’s another option. There’s another way of loving your husband Well, without necessarily having to be fully present in all of your emotions, because sometimes that is a really tall order. But being still before the Lord is going to help. Okay, so let’s talk about what does it mean to meditate in a Christian way? Well, what I invite you to do is get a timer, that’s not your phone. Because your phone just has too many distractions, get it get some kind of timer, that’s not your phone, I just got one that’s a phone, and an alert, sorry, not a phone, a timer, and an alarm clock, which I’m very happy about. But it doesn’t it can just be, it can be a kitchen timer just did that thing.

41:17
So what I want you to do is set it for somewhere, it doesn’t have to be so long. But I would, I would challenge you to do something like seven minutes to start off. I’m at a place where I’m working towards doing it for 20 minutes, at least once a day. But I definitely want to grow that because I know there’s so much science behind how meditation affects your brain. Even fighting off things like Alzheimer’s, like it’s a big deal, this this practice, and it’s a biblical practice. So you set your timer, and you just focus on your breath. So you focus on your breath coming in and coming out. And, again, to put it in the context of Christianity. All you need to say is Jesus, here I am. And then you spend the time focusing on your breath, focusing on the feeling of your breath coming in and out. And then when your mind wanders, because it will, that’s just the way it goes. Then bring it back slowly and gently. Don’t be mad at yourself, but bring it back to your breath. And you might want to say again, Jesus, here I am. And then if your mind wanders again, which it will totally fine. to slowly bring it back to notice your breath in and out. And you keep your eyes closed, and you make sure you’re in a comfortable spot. And then eventually, the timer goes off. And you did it, you accomplished it. And it brings you to presence there that brings you to presence that makes living life in the moment easier. And it’s different than praying. Meditation is different than praying because praying is very active in your thoughts. Meditation is very present in your body in the moment that you’re at right now. And it gives God an opportunity to speak to you and be with you. But sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it’s not where God speaks to you. Sometimes that’s a practice that, Prime’s you to hear God at another spot because you’re, you’re exercising a muscle of patience and stillness, and being you’re exercising the muscle of resisting running away from discomfort. That’s a muscle that you have to practice. And so meditation in a very practical way, exercises that muscle so that later it’ll impact. You might think that, well meditation doesn’t make a difference in my life. But the thing is, you won’t necessarily feel it during meditation or even right after meditation, maybe you might feel a sense of calm and peace and you might that that definitely does happen. But you might just feel it’s easier to stay present with your kids later. It might be easier to stay present in sex later because you’ve, you’ve created this muscle of being in the moment of bringing your mind back to what’s really going on right now. And again, not fretting, not worrying. Because that’s your practice of bringing yourself back bringing yourself back bringing yourself back.

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Alright, well let’s pray. Lord, I lift up the listener here, and I thank you that you love them. If you want a deeper closer relationship with them, Father, I ask God that you would give them vision to see and to be present to what areas of their life they need to break addictions, to break the patterns that are keeping them from you, whether it’s keeping them from doing your will, whether it’s keeping them from having peace, whether it’s keeping them from any of the fruit of the Spirit, what is taking away their love, and joy, and peace, and patience, and goodness, and kindness, and gentleness, faithfulness, and self control. What action is taking them further away from those things you want us to live out. And I pray that is what they would put their mind to remove from their life is those things that are keeping them from looking and loving and being like you, Jesus. And Father, I ask God that you would give me the grace in my life in my heart to do this. God, this is a tall order that you have invited us to, to be still, to sit patiently. But you are a good father. And you know, it’s important for us. You know that it is important for us. It doesn’t matter how quote, important we take ourselves to be. We are your children, and you say this is important to be still and to wait patiently on the Lord. God give me the grace to do this, I pray. And I asked for all of us as a dy M family to choose patience and presence and peace. We love you, Lord. Thank You. Amen. Wonderful. Okay, well, again, I thank you for this time. Thank you for again, trusting me with your time. You’re welcome on my email list. And I’d love to give you a free resource. Specifically around presence, if you’re a woman, you can go to delight your marriage.com/present P r, e s, e n t, and those are eight tips on things you can do to stay more present while making love. And for husbands if you’re wondering what’s going on with your wife’s libido? What are the things that are specifically blocking it, you can go to delight your marriage.com/the number seven, BL o CK s. And you all if you download those, you’ll be signed up to my email list. And I don’t send out emails very often, but I do try to encourage you. And that’s the purpose of them. So I hope that you’ll do that. And finally, I would love for you to rate or review the podcast what that’ll do is make it a little higher in the search results. So it’s a little easier for people to find it even organically. So I would love and again be grateful for you to share that bless you. Thank you so much for your time and we’ll talk next week.

48:20
Bye

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

I’m very excited to share this interview with Dr. Kahn a renowned cardiologist (seen on Dr. Phil and The Doctors tv series among other great accolaides). This is my second time having him on the podcast and you’re in for a treat!

What you put in your mouth affects your intimacy. (And I mean outside of the bedroom!

From libido to sexual response, our diet helps or hurts.

We also talk about COVID health and how the studies are showing there are specific things you can do to help your immune system (and of course be very focused on prevention).

On our last podcast I shared what I’m doing health-wise and how I think those things helped my health when fighting COVID — some of those things Dr. Kahn encouraged (and some of them he DIScouraged!)

I encourage you to listen in to discover what may be most helpful for your intimate-life and your overall health.

You can find more about Dr. Kahn’s work at drjoelkahn.com  and be sure to check out some of his books: Vegan Sex, The Plant-Based Solution, and his newest one Lipoprotein(a): The Heart’s Quiet Killer

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. Alright, welcome. Thank you so much for joining me. Now, if you listened to last week’s podcast, you know that my husband and I just are pretty much recovered from COVID 19 ourselves. And I did give my health journey on that podcast. And so what I wanted to do was invite a bonafide doctor to give us his advice, not just on COVID-19 stuff, which I think is super important, super helpful, but also sexual health. Because obviously, during this time, as I have talked about, that, while you’re in quarantine, this is the best time to get your sex life on track, you’ve got probably a lot more time business is probably slower, now is the best time to get your sex life in order. And so if you can kill two birds with one stone, which means get your sexual intimacy straightened out through health, as well as be fully prepared for your immune health in fighting off a potential contracting COVID-19, then that is, you know, the best of all worlds. So I want to introduce this wonderful Dr. Joel Khan. And this is actually his second time on the podcast. And he just has not only a great sense of humor, which is obviously important. But he’s got just amazing breadth of experience that he’s bringing to this conversation. Dr. Joel Kay Khan, MD, is a clinical professor of medicine at Wayne State University School of Medicine. He is known as America’s healthy heart doc. He is contributor to many online sites such as LinkedIn and thrive global, and has appeared several times on Dr. Phil and the doctors television shows. Dr. Khan founded the Khan center for cardiac longevity in suburban Detroit and owns greenspace and go in Royal Oak, Michigan. He’s also the author of a bunch of books. And I’ll just say a couple here that I think will pique your interest. There’s the plant based solution. Dead execs don’t get bonuses, vegan sex, and his newest one is lipoproteins A, the hearts quiet killer. So you can visit him at Dr. Joel khan.com. And that’s wonderful. Well, I am very excited to discuss not only sexual health, but also how to make your body as healthy as possible in these difficult times. So without further ado, let’s go ahead and dive in.

3:16
Welcome back, delight your marriage listener. And I’m so excited to have Dr. Joel Khan on here with me. Thank you so much for joining.

3:24
My pleasure. I very excited to speak with you and your audience.

3:29
Yes. Thank you. Thank you, actually, Dr. Joel, I’ll say that when we chatted was about three or four years ago. And I remember getting a lot of feedback on how wonderful it was to have you on. And I wasn’t

3:44
sure what kind of feedback you were gonna get. But I’m

3:50
very positive, very positive. So yeah, so what I wanted to do in this conversation was focused quite a lot on how health impacts intimacy. And before I really dive in, you’ve got a great amount of insight, not only because you’re a cardiologist, but because you are just really focused on how blood affects everything in health. And so I’m just curious if you can give a little bit of insight into your background as it relates to understanding how intimacy can be healthy. Sure, I

4:28
mean, my Mio in a very short and sweet measure. I’m talking to you today from suburban Detroit. I grew up in suburban Detroit. I attended the University of Michigan Breezer undergrad and medical school was able to grab graduating number one from medical schools I’m proud of that I was a lot of work trained to be you know, you trained to be an internist and a cardiologist. I moved to Dallas and finally moved to Kansas City. This is in the late 80s, early 90s To become a specialist in heart attack treatment. baloons dents and I entered practice in 1990. Back in Detroit and Ann Arbor I circled back state ever since. The Great Lakes State has an appeal to me and obviously family and friends from childhood. But I had a very aggressive practice in the middle of the night you were having a heart attack or Saturday afternoon didn’t matter. I was driving 100 miles an hour to get your house. I wasn’t thinking a lot about intimacy and marriage and such I just was working my tail off. But I had along the way adopted long ago, 40 years ago, a plant based diet. I wasn’t a hippie, I wasn’t a tree hugger, I had a kind of a reaction to the dormitory food versus my mother’s food. I learned quickly thereafter medical school residency, that there might be something to this for health and something I could teach my patients, it took a little while to the really good science came out, took a little longer to find out that diet and sexuality and intimacy have a pretty strong connection. But I always was a little more interested in the average trainee and cardiologist because I had kind of altered my diet to a total plant diet called vegan diet, but it was the healthy kind big salads like bean jellies and beans. And about 10 years ago, I said, you know, I’m putting in balloons and stents, and I’m eating being chilly at home, I’m going to kind of integrate these and become a real preventive cardiologist, anything natural that has science, you need a prescription, you need an operation. Okay, there’s nothing we can do about that. But how many people have ever heard that you can reverse many cases of Type two adult diabetes, you can reverse many cases of heart disease. You can reverse cases of multiple sclerosis and lupus and I’m talking total the science, you can reverse sexual dysfunction that’s based on bad blood flow. And so that’s what I do all the Dinos I counsel people around the United States, and during our lockdown, it’s all on the phone. It was very much a lot of phone and Skype consults. But now 100% And a lot of people actually spoke to a gentleman today in Zurich, all over the world. There aren’t a lot of natural preventive heart doctors. And I’m proud to say I’m one of them. I’m pretty experienced guy. I’ve been doing cardiology for over 30 years. To finish up when you talk about blood flow. Of course, my first interest was heart blood flow and stress test and electrocardiograms and angiograms and bypass surgery and stents. But you know, the rest of the body isn’t any different. You want your brain to function well and avoid brain disease, you need good blood flow, you got to get oxygen, you got to get nutrients, you want your sexual organs to function? Well, a lot of that is great blood flow, great nutrients, great oxygen. Certainly, you can go to your kidneys, and you can go to your lungs. And you know, we don’t have to dissect the body, every part of the body needs as clean arteries as when we are born providing ample blood flow. But we have this problem that starts from 3040 50 and 60, which is that starts to diminish. But in terms of intimacy and responsiveness, it isn’t entirely based on blood flow. You know, it’s not all plumbing, but it’s a big piece of it. And I talked to the guys particularly and I don’t want to sound at all gender bias. You know, you may not love this diet, but I want you to think about your sexuality or sexual performance. You know, before you need pills before you need shots before you’re unable. And that often hooks him in a lot more. Give me an entire about heart attacks and strokes and bypass. A lot of them might say, you know, I’ll keep eating burgers, I’ll take the bypass surgery, but when you present it in a sexual intimate function way, sometimes you grab their attention. Women are just smarter from the get go.

9:05
That’s right, guys, you got to get them where their priority is. It’s the sex so no, that’s great. So um, so just to clarify, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna be a bit more specific. So we can talk about performance. You’re talking about whether or not a man can become a rack is that what diet affects?

9:26
You know, it’s even before that I really I talked to all my patients I ever years, even libido, you know, interest? Is the drum still beating before you even take the tools out and see if the tools work and go There’s reasons females have a drop in the Bito. Often around menopause, could be kids could be relationship problems, but real health issues blood pressure, diabetes, you know, when your mind is distracted, there’s a statement I love I used it in an email to my patients today. that when you have your health you have 1000 dreams have or health, you really only have one dream, which is to get it back. And that, you know, if you’ve got an issue, whether it’s arthritis, whether it’s, God forbid cancer and heart disease and on and on libido may be on the back burner. So that’s where it starts if you wake up every day, and for years and maybe decades, you’ve really taken good care, just like a classic car that you’ve put the best fuel and you polish and you never let it out in the rain. And the whole thing, if you were to treat your body that way from the time you’re 20 you’re gonna be a sexy 50 6070 year old, you’re gonna have libido and performance. So yeah, and then of course, you know, there is the female equivalent of erection in terms of arousal and lubrication. And now and that is a serious issue. A lot of women do withdraw a bit around the time of menopause, from my conversations and reading because, you know, the mechanics aren’t as well lube that to use another car analogy. I’m from Detroit, I can’t help it. But the bottom line is, a lot of that is not inevitable. It’s not always just aging and we should anticipate, at age 40 5060 or 70, that we put that side of our life away. Of course, it can be intimacy without, you know, actual sexual activity or full completion of the sexual activity. But when you got it all I need to feel 20 When you’re 5060 or 70. You know, that is an achievable goal, no matter what age you are. And you’re lucky if you’ve been able to maintain that. But you choose the hard work that made you lucky,

11:45
huh? Yeah, yeah, I love that. Well, in terms of the the hard work that makes you lucky, um, let’s let’s focus first on men and their, what specifically do they need to do in terms of eating to preserve their sexual health?

12:05
Well, this is a little technical, it’s not dirty. It’s just technical. But if you understand it a little better, you’ll understand why there’s a statement from a couple 1000 years ago, don’t dig your grave with your fork. And you can almost refrain that is don’t dig your low libido and your inability to have a sexual responsiveness with your fork and I’ll add your spoon or your knife, just to be complete. Maybe people eat with their hands. So don’t dig it with your hands either. Nonetheless, you know, there are it’s an amazing thought there’s 50,000 miles of arteries through the body, arteries that are big like around the heart all the way down to really microscopic ones, to the littlest ones called capillaries. And we don’t think about it much but every second of every day, is because those arteries are bringing that fuel to the machinery and every artery is lined with a thin lining called endothelial you don’t have to necessarily remember that. You might remember as a kid you might have pointed to somebody on the school grounds said your epidermis is showing when you were a be acting a bit like a jerk maybe you could see your skin that’s the epidermis is the outer lining of the body. endothelial is the inner lining of arteries. And you want that endothelial you want to treat that endothelial like $100,000 Persian rug you know yeah, you certainly don’t want to spoil it dirty it or a rip or tear it well turns out, um, lifestyle, particularly food is either going to enhance and preserve your endothelial so that and what happens when you have a healthy endothelial the Nobel Prize in Medicine was given for this in 1998. You make a lot of substances, but the there’s one layer lining like wallpaper in the arteries everywhere head to toe makes a substance called nitric oxide. No, that won the Nobel Prize. And that’s very lifestyle driven. It’s a little bit of genetic, but if you smoke, the chemicals get into your blood, they will damage your arteries by damaging the endothelial and you have a cigarette or a cigar before a little amorous activity. You’re not going to get the same blood flow response for a few hours that you did if you skipped a cigarette or a cigar. But you can take it right to actual science done with a cheeseburger and a sausage Egg McMuffin and a milkshake. These have actually been done where they measure how healthy is your lining of your arteries. I’ll tell you in a minute you can take it directly to sexual science experiments, but they’re usually apparatus on the arm of the healthy subject. And if you eat a cheeseburger for about seven hours your arteries so stun, they’re damaged your endothelial has been poked. My friend Michael Greger says don’t poke your arteries with your fork. Kind of like the thought about digging your grave therefore, it actually releases toxic chemicals from your intestines and bacteria. You will recover from it. Usually a few people have a giant, fatty greasy meal and they do trigger a heart attack. And that’s the end but you’ll recover from it. But meal after meal, day after day, month after month, you will beat down that wonderful system that we’re born with I really miraculous system that we’re born with. And you will end up with blood pressure or you’ll have sore joints, or you’ll have erectile dysfunction or your libido will be off. There was and it really tends to be, although I will declare my bias I’ve eaten nothing but plant foods for over 40 years. I mean only only peas and beans and lentils and whole grains and fruits and vegetables. There’s not been a piece of fish or meat or cheese or eggs in me and 43 years now, and I’m in good health at 61 without medication and a lot of vitality. And my wife would say too much boom, boom. But God bless her she’s in equally good shape because we’ve been together since we were nine, which a very sweet story. But um, there was a movie and I’d encourage anybody to go to netflix and look up. It’s called the game changers movie. I’ll tell you this real quick. It came out, I think November 2019. So it’s pretty recent. And there is a scene it’s about usually athletes that have changed their diet against the stream gone away from chicken and beef, moved over to plant based eyes. These are Olympic athletes and professional athletes and the NFL football team Tennessee Titans anyways, they recruited three young athletes, and I really want the men to listen to us and the women that love their men, and three like 20 year old athletes from University of Southern California, and they found in the warehouse that a urologist had an old machine called the rigid scan while you went to bed with a little device on your male sexual organ. And at nighttime when you’re 20 years old, there’s a lot of nighttime erections go on. I mean, these were three guys sleeping alone in their dorm room. But one night they fed them a beef meal and one night they fed them a plant meal, and the results were calculated and they came back and some of these guys three to 500% increase in the number times the duration and the quality of these nocturnal erections and you know there’s a lot of guys haven’t they can’t remember last time they woke up with an erection but this stuff really is real food is medicine. Food supports good health when you’re picking Whole Foods brightly colored low and added sugar, salt and fat. And food can be very toxic. I mean, it may take years and years for a bad diet to raise the risk of heart disease cancer strokes. It happens but one meal before a date one meal before an anniversary special night might you know either be the the keys to the kingdom or the moment of unfortunately failure and dissolution. So it’s beyond food. Don’t smoke exercise. Try and manage your weight know your blood pressure, cholesterol, no your blood sugar, but no particularly I take green leafy vegetables, beets, watermelon, nuts and seeds like particularly pine nuts. You’ll see every day of my life. I’ve got this giant salad with arugula, and beets, and pine nuts, and maybe some vinegars. vinegars are incredibly good for your arteries. As opposed to throw in too many of the

18:28
Russian in 1000 Island dressings that are nothing but poor quality industrial oils. But those are the foods that support health in general and particularly libido and performance for men and women. It’s all the same.

18:41
Well, you know, I’m really glad you mentioned that the study that you just said because I only just saw that that that documentary and you’re absolutely right it’s just like mind blowing to see what that what that is. So game changers right on that flex you mentioned. Okay, so so you’ve got a so plant based is the first first and foremost and then specifically to zero in is leafy green leafy vegetables, watermelon, pine nuts, beets, vinegars, those things need to be consistent. Right?

19:15
Yeah. And you you you brought up the term plant based and you’re very appropriate using it, you know, I’m a pretty loving and patient guy when I’m dealing with my patients. You know, of the major we call I started as a heart doctor, but it turns out sexual health has a huge overlap. Because fitness not smoking, diet, weight control, blood sugar control, same things I want my heart patients to do will also promote better and preserve better sexual health and intimacy and ability to you know, love in a physical way, not just an emotional way you want both. There’s a rumor that people are the more plants smell better and a whole online conversation that go even beyond Now we’ll just leave that there. But I’m plant based, you know of the five we come big risk factors. There’s a lot of little ones for developing clogged arteries and having a stroke, Kevin a heart attack, developing erectile dysfunction, smoking, fitness, cholesterol, blood sugar, blood pressure diet, the one we do the worst at in the United States, and the western world is getting enough fruits and vegetables in our diet, you know, only about 15% of people smoke. It’s way too much. But it used to be 50%. And it’s about 50% of people go to the gym or work on their basement or work on their backyard. It’s about 5% of Americans eat a decent number more than five servings of brightly colored fruits and vegetables, bell peppers and red apples and radishes and purple cabbage and go on and on. So plant based I don’t care if you just add one serving a day starting today, eat one apple a day, eat one Clementine a day. Eat one banana a day. I mean there’s better than Banana Banana is better than a donut. Everything’s relative, you know leafy greens and all the beautiful colors that we talked about the rainbow diet like cauliflower and orange carrots and green peppers and red tomatoes and I’m probably missing a few brown mushrooms. Mushrooms are a superfood. We’ll maybe talk a little about the current pandemic and special foods in such fine yeah, but so all of you even if you just plant based isn’t a commitment that I never will eat another animal food like I chose to a long time ago and I don’t regret it. And if you want to move all the way there like the movie game changers, you know show some evidence for great but up it up at breakfast, put some berries, you know, eat an apple apples are superstars. We don’t give them credit. You know, if you got stuff in the crisper in the frigerator it’s gonna sit there I put a bowl on your countertop of clementines and oranges and apples and people will grab them when they’re getting the munchies and that’s the perfect snack. Oh,

22:10
I love that. And in terms of are there other things that you would suggest with women at it differently than then what we’ve suggested so far? Well,

22:25
you know as number one all the same topics. I mean, your body is as amazing as any man’s body and you’ve got the same number of arteries and endothelial man, as a woman, you should worry about your risk of future heart attack future stroke. For most women, if they’re not diabetic are smokers. We’re talking about a postmenopausal concern. But more and more with our crazy lifestyle and diet. There’s exceptions that too, but you know, it’s around menopause. It’s a personal discussion between you and your medical team. I can do hormone replacement therapy, and such. We do know and one of my friends in the medical world Dr. Neal Barnard, MD, who has written about 20 books on health has a brand new book out about plant based diets and hormone health. He spends a lot of time talking about women with PMS, women with PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome, women with irregular periods, infertility and data that cleaning up your diet and adding in all those brightly colored plant based foods can have quite a remedial effect or preventive effect. So do all of that and you may benefit you know, at any age. The one I wanted to point out though, is the big myth that soy is some kind of man boob cancer causing food. And of course there are soy beans, that’s where it all starts. And some people will call that edamame me because of the influence of Asian restaurants and such. You can take a mommy and turn them into organic tofu and I stress organic because many soybean crops have been contaminated by Monsanto and Bayer so you want organics at Emami organic tofu. Put it up in little cubes, throw it in a stir fried one in a salad. Nowadays, you can get pre flavored tofu as a little barbecue or mesquite flavor and a salad is delicious. There’s something called temp a TNPH which is a fermented real soy product that again can be put in a stir fry you can use it as a meat substitute. It’s in all the grocery stores used to be kind of a tree hugger, natural health food store but 10 Pay is quite popular now. You want to stay away from like textured vegetable protein soy crumbles, you know everybody can remember maybe 20 years ago soy chicken nuggets to go head to head and deeply fried and breaded and nobody’s gonna claim that’s a health food and may still be a little healthier than the fried chicken nugget but it It’s not the ideal. There’s been in it’s probably very honestly conspiracy therapy theory a lot of meat industry influence. But in all the studies done as natural form of so using get, they are not cancer promoting, they are anti estrogen. They work very similar to a drug some women take to prevent breast cancer called tamoxifen, they work on a certain receptor in breast tissue to decrease effects of estrogen. You should worry when you’re eating beef, chicken, turkey, pork, that those animals are treated with hormones in the farms where they raise, you know, factory farmed meats. And they have real animal estrogen that can interact with breast and prostate receptor tissues, and may promote cancer whereas soy blocks that event so clear data, women that eat soy in their diet, have less breast cancer. It’s certainly true in Asia, in big studies, but it’s been confirmed in American Studies like advantageous Health Studies. And women who’ve actually been diagnosed and treated for breast cancer that incorporate soy foods in their diet have been shown to have a lower rate of recurrence. Now, even a woman’s gynecologist and oncologist might say the opposite, because there is such a pervasive feeling about this. But I would I would encourage women soy is joy, get the real facts, read the real data. And in terms of going through menopause and hormonal flashes, and it can be a great food at every age, but particularly at that age.

26:36
Wow. That’s fantastic to hear. Oh, okay, so I have a several questions about So, because keto is such a big fad. Do you think that people should use keto in a healthy way? So I read a book called or I think I’ve either read it or read parts of it. keto terian. I’m not sure if you’re familiar, but it’s based

27:04
on Dr. Weil Cole’s book. Yeah, he’s a friend of mine. Right.

27:07
Okay. So I mean, is that the kind of, do you think that’s a good

27:14
give you a, you know, a real short little explanation listeners may know or not, but you know, ketogenic diet, the ability to induce a state in our body, by lowering the amount of carbs, particularly refined carbs, sugars down to nothing, white flour is bound and nothing, leaving a few carbohydrates that are found in lettuce and beans, and berries. So as they’re called net carbs, because they’re very high in fiber. And that you can if you really jack that, so if you’re eating a lot less carbohydrate based foods, you have to be eating more fat and protein based foods, it’s usually fat, it’s more meat, it’s more cheese, more butter, coconut oil, you can shift some of the metabolism, you don’t use as much glucose to fuel your body, you use more ketone bodies, which are made and produced on this diet. And that was discovered decades ago, if you’re a child with epilepsy, very serious and bad condition. Even before there were medications, some children stopped having seizures, maybe a third, but all kinds of side effects were reported in the medical articles difficult to get a child to file that diet. Somehow, 10 years ago, Hollywood actors few athletes embrace that it’s sort of redone Atkins diet. And there are quick fix results. Nobody can argue that there are people that will lose weight. There’s 100 different ways to lose weight in 10 days, you know, from not eating to water fasting to ketogenic diets to getting the flu or taking chemotherapy or getting a crystal meth addiction. There lots of ways lose weight, keto does it. But um, it’s a difficult plan to follow long term. And there are people that will say I’ve been keto one year, three years, four years, there’s a few that will say longer. My concern is a couple. It’s a very unnatural diet that doesn’t have much example in any real communities that have enjoyed long health long term. You’re not going to go to Italy and find ketogenic diet as the natural diet of the Mediterranean basin, where they love their old grain pasta and they love their home baked breads and their beans. And such. Number two, there’s about 10 research studies in humans, some as big as a quarter million subjects, some as small as 25,000 subjects, that people that reduce their carbs in their diet long term may sacrifice more disease and actually perhaps not living as long as otherwise. And these are not perfect studies. These are what are called nutritional science studies. But you can go and find them. So I’ve been teaching my patients. If you’ve got a wedding come up and you want to do the Atkins kind thing for 10 days, you’ll probably be okay and you’ll you’ll drop a dress size Brap is not the only way to do it. But okay, but get off of it. Yet there are alternatives. There’s a little bit of science using plants to create the same effect. If you take a big plate and you put arugula and walnuts and some soy tofu, and you put some olive oil, extra virgin olive oil or hemp oil on it, you’re gonna have a diet if you keep eating that and eating that, that has very low net carbs, still got a lot of fiber and nutrients and vitamins. So Dr. Cole and keto terian talks about that approach. We don’t have a lot of data, it’s probably the lesser evil, I still wouldn’t stand it long term. So the best science to close it down is Dr. Longo, who’s a scientist in LA at University of Southern California. His first name is Valter VLT, Dr. Longo perhaps the most esteemed nutrition scientists in the world right now. He has a program to use plant based keto for five days, and then go back the rest of the month to a healthier Mediterranean or plant based style diet. And if you want to do it again the next week, he thinks that’s enough to gain some benefit. Eat less calories during those five days. It’s called prolonged PR o ello. And if anybody wants to read about that has more science and any jocking with your carbohydrate content, but still in the long run. Having those whole food carbohydrates you’re gonna find and whole vegetables whole. I’m not talking refined, you know, you can’t eat Skittles and say they’re colorful, like plants that’s not going to work for you. Or in such you got to eat the real plants, the real beans, the peas, lentils, those are what our best fiber fiber fiber is found in plants, fiber reduces a woman’s risk of breast cancer. Fiber reduces our risk of colon cancer fiber, lowers our cholesterol lowers our blood pressure. It’s only in whole plant foods. You never find fiber in a in a chicken or turkey or a pig. It doesn’t exist.

32:07
Are you familiar with microbiome and how fiber impacts that? And yeah,

32:14
I’m just renting space, my microbiome runs my body. Some people say we really are it’s like, you know, we’re a hotel and the microbiome are everybody in it. And we’re just the space that they live in, you know, these trillions and trillions of bacteria that predominantly are good, friendly, metabolism enhancing they digest our food, and they make us some vitamins, and they protect us. But we can throw that off with a course of antibiotics. Or when you shift to a high fat diet, you change your microbiome in a week or two. I’ll tell you real quick. There’s a fascinating study published about three years ago out of Pittsburgh, University of Pittsburgh, where they took people living in Southern United States traditional fried southern diet. And for two weeks, they put them on a plant heavy native rustic diet you might find in the wilds of South Africa. And they showed within two weeks, your microbiome, your bacteria were completely different. And you were making much healthier molecules and products. But they went to South Africa. And they found that the people and put them on the Mississippi Louisiana fried food diet of high fats and their microbiome went to hell. And just two weeks. I mean, this is some of the most sophisticated high level diets, data that’s ever been achieved. So yeah, you can one meal you can shift your microbiome, your microbiome loves fermented foods, it loves fiber, it loves pomegranates, oh my god, add a little pomegranate in your diet. Really, the whole ones particularly, you make this certain bacteria called akkermansia. And you can just groove your health up one of these bright red, you know, beautiful sexy foods. Very sexy pomegranates. Yeah, it’s fertility seeds in tradition. So add those in.

34:07
So this is great. So I I’m, I’m curious about this. So high fat, even if it’s good coconut oils and olive oils, and maybe even avocado oils, those is those are also bad for the microbiome.

34:22
None necessarily done set in studies have been done some animals and a few humans and I keep saying studies because that’s how we learn things. I don’t really like to give you my opinion. I like to give you my reading of the literature. It’s how we should operate that that if you want to disrupt and maybe destroyed the nice healthy balance of your bacteria, your microbiome have a high saturated fat diet. Where saturated fat it’s an animal meats, it’s in cheeses, if you’re baking breads with large baked goods across science, butter can be very high in saturated fat, but the king of saturated fat That is coconut oil, you know 85% Coconut, coconut oil calories or saturated fat calories, twice that of beef and such. So there is some data that one of the best ways to disrupt your microbiome is to use a lot of coconut oil which anyway you get around it is high in saturated fat. I’m so in opposition our fats, the only fat we need in our body are omega three fatty acids that become EPA and DHA. You can get them from fish like salmon, if you can find a good source, you can get them from ground flaxseed, chia seeds, hemp hearts, walnuts, leafy greens, that’s what you need. But the bulk of the data is if you shift from butter, coconut oil, margarine, lard to extra virgin olive oil. In a study just done and published by Harvard in March of 2020. With over 100,000 subjects, you could show and predict a drop in heart risk. And I would sell you probably a drop in erectile dysfunction and sexual dysfunction and libido by choosing extra virgin olive oil over butter, margarine, lard, ghee. You know, extra virgin olive oil has some very little saturated fat. It’s more mano and Phaedra fat and you really have to be a snob about olive oil, you don’t want to buy it on the shelf in a plastic clear bottle where the light has probably destroyed it if it ever was olive oil and might have been corn oil from the beginning because there is a lot of fraud. So be a little picky and all that. But yeah, that that’s the you know, the better place to be. Now there are people that choose to have a no oil diet, they learn to use steamers and vegetable broth that cook in wine, and they thrive and for weight loss. For certain heart conditions. It’s actually what I teach. But to tell everybody in America stop adding all added fats or diet is not going to be a very popular campaign for president.

37:11
So what would you say? This is interesting, because I’m from my research. And I defer to you, but that what I have read is actually 70% of our immune function is in the gut. Is that about right? Do

37:25
you think it’s called Galt JLT gut associated lymphoid tissue. But it’s true, if you think about it, you know, our skin has to interact with the outside world, you know, we might get a bug bite or exposure to toxins, our skin is a barrier, but from your mouth to your anus. It’s a giant tube that’s actually outside your body, things have to go through it to get inside your body. So we have a huge defense system to protect us from chemicals and parasites and viruses and toxic bacteria and other components. Unfortunately, now hormones and pesticides that are in our food chain and our water too. So yes, we have, you know, our soldiers are in guard before it’s going to let stuff into our body surrounding our GI tract.

38:15
Oh, wow, that’s fantastic. Um, does it? Does it matter in terms of immune function? And again, we’re, you know, we were planning on going a little bit into COVID, like prescriptions, if you will, but does it matter how healthy your gut is to fight off something like this? COVID

38:37
Yeah, they you know, increasingly there are reports that some people before they’re diagnosed with COVID 19 do have some GI symptoms, some diarrhea, particularly, we don’t know, or at least I’ve never read that the virus can enter through the GI tract. And so some way that you swallow somehow contaminated food, it’s been a concern without the carry out his carry out grading a risk of getting the virus. And so far, we don’t think that’s the case. I’d rather everybody do home cooking. No disrespect the restaurants it’s always a healthier choice are often can be a healthier choice. It’s probably true what you just said. And most health authorities are talking about eat less added sugar, cookies, cakes, beverages, you know, up your fruits and vegetables. You’re basically preparing your whole body would be at its optimal health and the gut will be part of that. But you know, we don’t know of a probiotic mixture that in other viral infections like MERS and SARS is the secret. I think there is something eating fermented foods that will help and perhaps taking a probiotic. We don’t know for sure. No, no, for sure.

39:52
Okay. So when I’m thinking about and apologies for my limited insight, but when I’m thinking about virus being attacked by immune system. I know there’s like tons of different facets of what an immune system is in our in our bodies. But, you know, we’ve got white blood cells, we’ve got the gut, like, what’s attacking a virus?

40:15
Yeah. So you know, I don’t think we really know yet other than social distancing handwashing masks, how to prevent, if we’re round and exposure to the virus, how to prevent it from attaching to these h2 receptors that are in our airways particularly, I don’t think we know how to do that there actually is some conversation, there are prescription drugs, called ACE inhibitors, blood pressure drugs, and ARVs. And at first, we thought they were at risk to be on them, now there’s conversation, it might be a benefit and blocked the virus from connecting. And there’s actually a brand new research project I just read about today where they’re trying to create a little protein or molecule that does the same thing. It’ll be in your blood in your airways. So if the virus comes along, it has no place to lock into a cell and start to injure it. What happens all these viruses get into cells, they take over the machinery, the DNA, a virus doesn’t have any of that, they cause the cell to start replicating, replicating and exploding, create, you know, 1000s of copies of the virus. So the immune that’s where the immune system comes in. And that’s where white blood cells and lymphocytes and macrophages and we hope there’s things we can do to make that response, more controlled, effective and not overdone, because we’re hearing about this cytokine storm where the disease begins, but it’s our overreaction of our immune system may be part of it. So, you know, there’s the basic lifestyle, there’s always going to be these measures of distancing, and washing and masks and an all by, you know, everybody’s talking about more sleep, less sugar, less alcohol, more fruits and vegetables, at least walking or some sort of fitness, some stress reduction, whether it be prayer, music, meditation, yoga, breathing, probably not tequila shots, not the recommended stress reduction, right. But finally, maybe maybe there are supplements and I have to say maybe and what I could talk to you an hour about the possibility. But what I have done recently to take the heat off because there’s a lot of people get upset when you talk about the possibility that supplements may improve your immune system to protect you because we think we don’t know. And it sounds rather salesy to bring all this up. But I have an associate in Virginia who’s chairman of the department of Critical Care Medicine at the University, and editor of the Critical Care Medicine Journal, I added that guy’s a big shot. And he published a protocol and I’ll repeat it because I can blame him that it might be reasonable to take vitamin C, about 500 milligrams twice a day. Vitamin D, two to 4000. It’s called international units a day. Zinc, for the short run, maybe 25 to 50 milligrams a day. Good luck finding it in the health food store. I’m actually a little melatonin at bed, maybe a milligram of melatonin that may help you sleep, but there’s some immune enhancing impact of melatonin. Interesting to see and put that down. I knew about that, but you don’t see too many academic. Chairmen talk about it. And the last one is probably one that most people don’t know. It’s called quercetin qu ERC. E ti n. It’s a antioxidant found in onions, garlic, cherries, apples. There’s been discussion a lot of people take it for like seasonal allergies, you can go to a health would start. There’s been discussion and may have some longevity aspects. Of course, we can’t prove that I’m saying discussion. But all of a sudden, because of its impact on the immune system and response that it may be of some value to protect you. And that’s Dr. Merrick. That’s his name, Paul Merrick. That’s his protocol. I’m cool with it. And I just wanted to share that.

44:18
Awesome. Awesome. Okay. Well, you know, you mentioned something that I’ve heard a couple times and, and I think, well, this is close to wrapping for our time here. I’ve heard this that um, something around if you have too strong of an immune system, it could then be fighting. Like it’s fighting your body, rather than the virus or something along that are you familiar

44:49
with when when we’re under attack by bacteria, by viruses by parasites? There are there’s a process called inflammation and Word is flame fire, which is the whole point that’s go kill the bad guys and return the body to normal. But things can be excessive and overdone. We think autoimmune diseases like lupus and rheumatoid arthritis and multiple sclerosis. Our immune system is not under control and responding, it’s attacking itself. So we know our immune system can overdo it, whatever the trigger, all those conditions do respond to a plant based diet. I’ll just say you should read about plant based diets and multiple sclerosis rheumatoid arthritis. But yes, we are seeing this this amazingly robust and probably harmful, super immune response that’s gone beyond just hopefully killing the virus and it’s damaging lung tissue, particularly making it very hard to provide adequate oxygen levels in this disease now, wide Person A is relatively young and fit and gets the disease and has this terrible lung damage. And the next person doesn’t, and they’re not always at five years old and diabetics, there are tragically too many 2030 and 40 year olds, seemingly are in good health they get the disease and either survive it or don’t. Hopefully do. We don’t understand what triggers it. Whether Dr. Merricks Virginia protocol ups the chance that if we get contact with this virus, we’ll have a mild episode we can only help.

46:34
Well, I’ll say on my own personal anecdote, I did just recover from COVID. And wow, pretty darn similar to this. Dr. American skip diet, so

46:47
Well, yeah, gratulations on getting back.

46:50
Yeah, thank you. Yeah, it was it was very mild, actually. By God’s grace. It was. Yeah, good. So wonderful. Okay. Well, let me please invite you to tell us about your newest book. You’ve got several out there, but I know that there’s one very recent.

47:07
Yeah, I thank you for that invite. And just point out, you brought it up right before we went live i three books ago, I participated in a book called Vegan sex, kind of a funny title. And a very funny cover. It’s available on Amazon has amazing recipes. It’s worth the relatively modest purchase price just for the recipes. But it’s a woman’s journey in finding men that still have the veto friend of mine, and she asked me to write some medical chapters, which is about that endothelial wallpaper responsiveness. So I’d encourage you to go watch the game changers movie pickup vegan sex. But my most recent book is a rather technical book, but as for the public, one out of every four persons when we, when we hopefully get to the day, we’re not only thinking about Coronavirus, we have to get back to thinking about heart health. And one out of every four people inherit a kind of cholesterol called light bulb protein, little a one out of every four is one point a billion people. It’s common. It’s the most common genetic inheritance that could put you at risk for heart attack or stroke, or needing heart surgery. But nobody knows about it was discovered in 1963. Every lab runs the lab test for 3040 $20. Whether you go to quest or LabCorp, or your local hospital, but it’s not yet on the menu of what a primary care doc is probably going to recommend. I wrote a book to plead. Consider getting it particularly if you have a family history of heart attack, stroke, heart surgery, people dying of heart disease, it may be the reason that was occurring in the family, of course, Diet, Fitness, smoking are always factors. And there’s all kinds of strategies what we’ll be doing about it. Right now there is no drug specifically for lipoproteins delay. If you’ve had your cholesterol checked, that’s good. But you haven’t had your lipoproteins a check that doesn’t show up on the routine panel on your physical you might have had with your doctor asked for it. Look up the book. It’s called light bulb Protein A, the hearts quiet killer. It’s short, it’s easy. And again, it’s packed with recipes. So it’s well worth the small ticket price on Amazon and Barnes and Nobles. By you’ll be the most educated person in your neighborhood if you read the book.

49:26
That’s awesome. That’s awesome. I’ll have it in the in the show notes, all the resources that we talked about. So where can our audience connect with you online and follow you behind the mask? Okay, that’s

49:39
a little Corona joke. But yeah, I’m sitting in my preventive cardiology clinic in suburban Detroit and I do see people from literally all over the world, but you can find everything I do at Dr. Joel ton calm, but that’s Dr. J. OELKAH n.com. And you know, whether it’s United States or Canada or South America or Europe, I mean, I have been very privileged to take care of fine people everywhere.

50:08
Awesome. Awesome. Well, Dr. Joel, this has been amazing. So thank you so much for your time,

50:13
I enjoyed it thoroughly. And we can come back and get into the deep deep dive for sexual talk if you want. But I think people got the idea that, you know, you so much of your health is in your hands. It’s not at the doctor’s office, it’s not at the hospital. And now more than ever, it’s a good time to learn about your power to preserve and enhance your health, no matter what your age is, no matter what your problems are. Don’t feel that you’re stuck in a rut on 10 medicines, ask the question, Can I reverse what I have, and maybe get off some of these and work with your healthcare provider?

50:55
All right, thank you so much, Dr. Khan, I so appreciate it. I have learned a lot I hope that you have and definitely reach out and understand his resources. He’s just got great information and insights to share. So otherwise, I want to thank you for being a listener. You don’t have to spend time with me every week. And it really means a lot. So thank you. The only reason this podcast has been successful is because you have been doing the brave work of sharing its message and I cannot be more grateful. So thank you for what you’ve done. It’s been awarded 19th, at the top 30 relationship podcasts out there. And I’m just amazed, it has grown to be reaching even 155 Different countries worldwide. So I cannot be more grateful for you being the brave people to send these podcasts to friends. And you know, I’m not on social media. So the only way this thing gets spread is by you deciding to take the gumption of sharing it with a friend, and who knows, it may well save their marriage or their health in this case. And then finally, I would love for you to spend a few moments it would mean so much to me if this has meant something to you dy M, if it has blessed you, if you go and add some kind of iTunes review, or a review and a five star rating at whatever place you do listen to the podcast, the way to do that is you actually even if you’re already a subscriber, you have to search delight your marriage, click on it in iTunes, and then scroll all the way down until you see the stars and then you click five stars. Again, the only way that this podcast has been spread is because people search in iTunes and then because of the number of reviews and ratings, they decide to listen. So if you’re able to add your rating, add your review, it would mean so much to me. And it would cause more people to listen a lot of people are like I love your conduct but I’m I’m too embarrassed to send it anywhere so well no problem just just add a quick rating and that that does the work for you. It goes it ranks higher in the charts so more people can listen and and hopefully be impacted. So again, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It means the world to me that you would even listen and consider sharing and reading and reviewing. All right, we’ll talk more soon. Take care. Bye

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Hi there, 

Happy Good Friday. It feels a bit strange going to service online, but the beautiful thing about Jesus is we get to meet Him anywhere because of what He did for us on this day so long ago.

I am curious how you’re doing? I’ve been praying for you and hope you’re doing ok. 

We haven’t chatted for a while because I’ve been a bit behind. My husband and I got COVID. The real one. 

You probably have heard of plenty of really sad stories. I wanted to share ours to hopefully encourage you and add one story to the “FAITH pile” in your heart.

How do we know we got it? Well after a grocery store cashier sneezed on my husband a few days later we got flu-like symptoms and then we both lost our taste and smell! 

​​(JFYI it’s SO weird to not be able to taste or smell anything).

For me, I had super mild symptoms (thanking God!) and my husband has fairly mild symptoms though he’s yet to be 100%.

When she found out me, my husband or my 2 sons (ages 5 and 6) hadn’t crossed the threshold of our cozy NYC apartment in 13 days and we’ve had a peaceful and contented existence throughout, (by God’s grace)… a friend asked “what is your secret weapon?” 

Well, that’s what I share in our conversation today, so you have it too: “Your COVID Secret Weapon”. 

I think there are a few things you can focus on amidst the chaos, anxiety and stress that will benefit you, your marriage, your health and ultimately the Kingdom of God. 

(At the end of the broadcast I share the specific health things I do that I think helped our situation as well, in case you’re interested in hearing my opinions on it — immune health is a personal passion of mine.)

Spoiler alert: I talk about intimacy being vital during this time. 

​​So I would love to have you listen for encouragement and PRACTICAL insights on how to use this time to HEAL your marriage. 

Blessings & love, 
Belah

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage.

0:21
All right, welcome, welcome. Thank you so much for joining. If this is your first time with the show, I am so grateful that you’re here. And this is a really strange time in the world, I don’t have to tell you that. I’m curious if you would do one thing with me, as we get started chatting together today. Would you take a deep breath in, hold it for a moment. And then blow it out. And as you’re breathing out, notice how the breath feels on your lips, like just have your concentration on the way your breath feels on your lips. So let’s do it again. Deep breath in. Hold it let’s do it. Again, a really focus. Hold it. Awesome, great job, okay. And I hope that actually brings you a little bit of calmness, with whatever’s going on in your heart and mind. Because what I’ve learned recently is your physical body focusing on those sensations actually can calm you and make you more present, which is because this is the dy M podcast, I can tell you, that’s one of the reasons that sex is such a healthy part of having stress relief, because you start focusing on your bodily sensations, the feelings that you’re feeling physically. And the focus stops being on the worry and the concern and the things going on. So that’s what I would invite you to do. Alright, well, let’s dive into what I wanted to talk about today. So our family got COVID. The COVID-19 Yes, we did. Which is partly why the podcast is not out on on schedule, if you will. So thank you for your grace on that. God is good. And we live in New York City, as many of you know. And so it’s a big hot spot for Coronavirus right now as I’m releasing this, and the news definitely shares with us the tragedy and the sadness and the difficulty that many, many people are going through right now. And so my invitation on this call is so you can have a bit of encouragement and have a story in your arsenal that says you know what, there are people that survived this, even with mild symptoms. And that’s our story. Thank God. Again, thank God. But here’s what happened. My husband, it was my fault, really. We were texting with some neighbors that are older, and they live in our apartment building. And they’ve got some pre existing conditions. So I was like, Okay, what do you need? Let’s we’ll get it for you don’t don’t even think about going out. Which is great. I think it was the right thing to do. But then I had my husband go rather than me. Anyway, and there was a lady, she was actually the cashier and she was sneezing. And you know, when you’re in a grocery store line, you can’t get out right? Because the the I don’t know the aisles or whatever. There’s, there’s something in the way you can’t leave. If somebody is sneezing and that’s what happened. She was sneezing and he knew it by the time he got home. He took a shower, but you know that that’s way too late to I mean, if you inhale it, that’s the issue. So that’s what happened. I think that happened on a Wednesday. I started feeling sick on Saturday, my husband started feeling sick on Monday. And then it’s been almost two weeks since I started feeling sick. So the symptoms in terms of for me, we’ve been like it was a headache, achy body kind of moving between cold and sweaty you know back and forth throughout the day, and really tired. But by God’s grace, it was not.

5:11
It just wasn’t even close to as bad as what so many people are experiencing. My husband’s was worse, he definitely had a fever off and on, it would be like one really tough day. And then one day that was much better. So it seemed like he was climbing out of it. And then another tough day. And so it was just very strange thing. The reason we’re sure that we had it is because we both lost our sense of taste and smell. And let me tell you, that is weird. That is very weird. So it was like, in some ways, my smell and taste are now coming back, which is great. But in some ways, it’s kind of nice, without having smell because there’s no bad smells, everything seems fresh and normal. So I kind of, uh, you know, I appreciate I definitely do appreciate good smells. But yeah, there’s bad smells that now I have to experience again. Just kidding. Okay, so why do I want to tell you this, like I said, I want you to have at least one story if wherever you are in the world, if you don’t know anyone who has been okay with COVID, I wanted to share my story. And after that, I really do think that a lot of our health has to do with our mental attitude. In fact, that’s definitely supported by studies. stress affects your immune system, quite literally, as does your sleep. So if you’re so anxious and concerned, you’re not able to sleep, and you’re stressing that literally has a impact on how you’re going to do with this virus. If you get it, it was helpful for me to hear from a friend of mine, that was just a few days before I started feeling sick, it was really helpful to hear that she had the virus and got mild symptoms and also lost her sense of taste and smell. So they’re sure it was the virus. So anyway, that’s my invitation to you is to have faith to have belief, and be super proactive at the end of this podcast. Obviously, I’m not a doctor, but one thing that happened at sorry, let me just say at the end of the podcast, after the music, I am going to tell you all the health stuff that I have done and do. It’s, you know, everyone kind of has their own take on health stuff. So that’s totally fine. If you’re not interested in listening to that, skip it. But if you are interested in hearing what I do and have done with my family during this time, and even before this time, I’m going to share that because I’m fascinated with some of the things I’ll share. Okay, great. Well, here’s what I want to invite you to do. I was sharing with a friend that we got it and that we have not left the threshold of our granted large for New York City standards. But we have not left the threshold of our one bedroom, New York City apartment for 13 days. And we have two kids that are five and six. So no one has left. Just because there are people in our apartment building that are way more susceptible. And of course, you know, everyone’s learning about this virus and if you if you don’t, if you don’t need to go out don’t and there were just many reasons that we were like, listen, we don’t even want to risk giving this to anyone else. And that’s I think what everyone should do is not risk it and stay home right that’s what the the biggest thing is here. So she said What is your secret weapon? And I thought that my initial thought that came to mind I didn’t say bye but here and then I set it after after a little bit of conversation and laughing but secret weapon she’s trying to ask given the almost two weeks that you literally have not left your small apartment Have you know rather than, you know large house with a yard or something like that, you know, what’s been the thing that is has kept you guys strong? So I mean, I think a few things but the first thing that popped in my mind is generous intimacy between me and my husband. Yes, we both were feeling sick. And yet, that is the thing that keeps us glued together, keeps us having peace keeps us unified. Keeps him feeling feeling loved, and then he loves me back in the ways that I feel loved. So it’s, it’s been huge. And it’s not just him. I

10:09
mean, sex is important for me too. But when I’m not 100% sex is definitely not my go to. However, I know it matters to his heart, his mind his well being. So sex is important. I think in this time people need really do, they need to feel connected, human connection is vital. There are studies to suggest that loneliness is a literal killer. And so in the midst of what’s going on in the world, right now, you have an opportunity to love your spouse, well, you have an opportunity to make sure that the first human assignment you have is filled up, is filled up. And then your kids, but let me tell you, the nature and quality of your marriage directly affects the way you parent, the way you love your kids the way you model love to your children. If you or your spouse, it doesn’t feel filled up in their marriage, it will affect your children, their feeling of peace, their feeling of safety, especially since everyone’s in tighter quarters, no matter how much space you have. There’s much less distraction to separate couple. And so how do you respond to that? Let this be the healing time that you have needed to reconnect as a couple let this be a lot of people have a lot more time on their hands, whether they’ve been let go from a job, whether it’s because now they’re they’re working at home or their job is slowed down their businesses slow down all those things. Yeah, that’s not fun. But the thing is, we can only control what we can control. We can only control what we can control. So if you’re focused on what everyone else is doing and what you can’t do, then there’s no productive thing that’s happening. Nothing. Nothing productive. I I’m definitely one that likes to learn and is fascinated by health stuff. And, you know, I want to know what’s going on. But I have very specifically had boundaries around what I choose to allow myself to watch. Listen to think about. Because Jesus specifically tells us to not worry about tomorrow. He tells us to not worry Philippians four specifically says do not be anxious. Now usually we take the Bible pretty seriously. If it says Do not murder. We’re like, Yeah, not doing that. Do not commit adultery. Okay, not going to do that. Do not steal. Alrighty, I won’t do that. And then it says Do not worry. And well, I have. That’s I think he’s not serious about that one. No, I think he is. I think he is I think that’s unbelief. Because if we truly believe that we have the God of the universe on our side, then our worry and our anxiety isn’t founded. It’s not a it’s not. It doesn’t make sense. Now, it’s not that Jesus just says Do not worry and doesn’t say anything else. I mean, it gives clarification on what that means. And I’ll go specifically to Paul in Philippians, four. You know, you might be saying Bella, I literally just lost my job. There’s no way that I’m not going to be anxious in this time. And that is hard. And you know, there are I definitely have clients and people that have emailed that they are healthcare workers and so they definitely haven’t slowed down. In fact, the the level of need has increased and the concern about health is increased in all of these things. But if anyone I think biblically speaking can can give us insight around not worrying is I mean, there’s so many in the Bible, but I’ll say Paul is definitely one of them. In Philippians he’s literally In jail, flogged, beaten,

15:05
and scoffed at and lonely in prison. And this is what he says, For verse four. Rejoice in the Lord always. Again, I say rejoice. Let your gentleness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer, and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. So there’s so much to that, I would encourage you to write the Scripture down Philippians four, four and read it in your own Bible. Write it down verbatim in your journal, write out what it means to you ask God to clarify, ask him to show you ask him to help this to be your consistent go to that when you feel anxiety, you pray, and you thank God. That’s that’s the, that’s the key. When you are anxious. It says do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving. let your requests be made known to God. Well, what do I have to be thankful for? Bella? Well, the truth of the matter is that there is if a gentleman who has been doing God’s will preaching the gospel, gets thrown into jail, is beaten, thinks that he might get killed, and he is writing encouraging letters to other churches. If he has something to be grateful for, then you do too. You do to if you look for it, you have something to be grateful for. And you know why? I think gratefulness thankfulness I think it is a very active help in time of need. I mentioned for women stress does not usually I would say 98% of the time. Stress does not encourage intimacy for women. We’re just like, No, that’s not gonna help. Now afterwards, we’d be like, oh, yeah, that helped. But before it doesn’t feel like that would help in the least it’s like the farthest thing from a woman’s mind generally. Now for men. Sex is a really great stress reliever, and and so a lot of times he’s, he’s craving that in the midst of stress. So what is my encouragement for both parties is to choose gratefulness in the midst is to pray. You know, you don’t have to ignore your fear you, you ask God to help you. You ask him to end the crisis, you ask him to, to maintain your business, you ask him for financial provision, you ask him for a new job, you ask him for creative solutions you ask him for, for relief, financially, or whatever is it that you need for health for protection. But then you are focused on the things that you have to be grateful for now. There’s so many things you can be grateful for now. And even if you have a horrible marriage, you still have things to be grateful for now. I’m serious about that. I’m serious about that. Even if you have a bad marriage right now, there are things to be grateful for you know it, it is the most productive thing you can do. And what do I mean by productive I mean, if you are looking for something that will help your marriage, being grateful for the things that are currently there is actually going to help your marriage, it’s going to move it in the right direction. Let me give you an example of kind of like a metaphor. If you have two children. And you give a very small thing for Christmas, let’s say maybe like a bag of candy, you know a small handful of candy to each of them. And one of them is just so grateful and so thankful and sings about it and thanks to you for it and and dances around and is happy and smiling and enjoys every hour balance of what she’s been given.

20:04
What is your feeling towards that child? Does it feel like oh my gosh, I want to give that that girl some more, you know, I

20:12
want to give her more things because clearly she is just so appreciative. Now contrast that with the other child. Now she received the exact same thing. And yet moans and groans and complains and criticizes and throws it across the room and humph’s and, you know, crosses her arms. She says, Why didn’t you give me more than this? Sally and Susie got China dolls and got a horse and got three bags of candy. And this is all you gave me. You don’t love me, you don’t care about me. So it really, I imagine your response to that child would be well, I’m never giving her a single present again, with that kind of attitude. No, thank you. So the quality of your attitude, being grateful actually encourages your spouse to love You more and better. Even if right now it’s a drop in the bucket of a very large bucket of things that they should quotes be doing for you. But listen, it was one drop. And if you’re not grateful for the drop, you will not get more. That’s just human nature. We don’t like entitlement. Entitlement is not attractive. So if you want to be strategic and making your marriage better, in this time, healing in this time, then Gratitude has to be one of the top things you do prayer and gratitude. The next one I want to say is playfulness. Playfulness is so vital. Oh my gosh, it’s just so vital. I think that if we can’t Lighten up, you know being serious all the time, there’s actually studies to suggest that you are smarter. When you laugh. You literally playfulness actually makes you smarter. So if you’re struggling in any area of life right now, when you laugh, it actually makes you able to think outside of the box, able to be more creative, more relaxed and have new ideas and opportunities. Not to mention, if you’re a husband, your wife will always feel silly, before she feels sexy. Even she if she’s doing something sexy. Inwardly, she’s gonna feel silly first. And so if silliness is not normal between a husband and a wife, and just in terms of every other area of their life, then it’s going to be really hard for a wife to act Syl act in a way that makes her feel silly, because that’s not normal between you two, you don’t come out of your comfort zone to be silly out of the bedroom. Why should she come out of her comfort zone to be silly inside of the bedroom? It just doesn’t work like that. So you want playfulness to be a bedrock of the culture of your marriage. Especially right now. I mean, you’ve got so much opportunity to do it. Yes, I’m talking about board games and card games and games. Things that make you belly laugh. But it doesn’t have to be that it can be friendly, good natured teasing knots on anything that the other person’s insecure about. It’s got to be superduper not insecure stuff. But you know, just playfulness. Art. Our family does tickles quite a lot. We have young kids it it works out well. So sometimes I’ll take my husband, he’ll do that same to me. I mean, there’s just so many things you can laugh about. And it literally also it now this one I’ve got to think of where I where I heard or read this the other ones I’m like yes, I remember exactly where I read this, but I believe it actually is good for your immune system as well. laughing Oh, it is I did read that okay. Yes. Anyway, so again, immune system booster is laughter Okay. One thing that’s funny is my kids love playing hide and seek. And in a one bedroom apartment you can only have Imagine that there are just so many places to hide just

25:06
beyond they actually get superduper creative about where they hide. And yesterday, oh my gosh, I could not believe it. But I was playing with them. And I had a really fantastic hiding spot I was, you know, standing on the couch. But you know, I didn’t get found right away. But after my son found me, you know, of course, he looks in the refrigerator, and lo and behold, my other son is hiding inside the refrigerator. Not a joke. That’s exactly what he did. I did take a short video of it because it was so hilarious, but they will not be hiding in a refrigerator that future that was all him, I did not encourage that. Or even know, that’s what he was doing. So there’s just so many ways. I think there’s, um, I was laughing with my mom about the phrase, I think it’s like necessity is the mother of invention. And I think you can use that principle in a lot of ways. It’s kind of like, necessity is the mother of creativity. Necessity is the mother of curiosity, or, or, you know, outside of the box thinking, I mean, I think those are all the case when you have to be cooped up in a small space for a long time. I mean, why not make it awesome. You can’t you can’t do anything about it. So So make it amazing, and have boundaries around the way you think. Of course, you know, there’s, there’s definitely I try to stay updated. But I would say 98% of what the media is sharing, I can’t do anything about it doesn’t directly affect me. I want to be able to empathize with what other people are going through. But also, if I don’t emotionally have the capacity to serve those that matter most to me, and the assignment God gave me. Then I’m losing at this thing called life. If I’m emotionally so stressed, and so sad, by everyone else’s suffering, that I can’t love my husband, well, so now he’s suffering, and I can’t be present to my kids. So now they’re suffering that I’m losing. There has always been sadness in the world, there’s always been suffering in the world, there’s been genocide in the world, there’s been disease and sickness in the world. It’s been a little farther away, geographically speaking. But I have to decide, I can control what God has assigned me to. And right now, especially the enemy wants to tempt us to take our focus on what’s most important. So if I’m focused on all the horrible things, I can’t do dy M, well, I can’t support my clients. Well, I can’t do practically speaking the things that I actually can control. So there has to be a level of focus on the small that I can control. And the reverberations are much, much larger. But I have to start from the inside. has to start by the little little things that I can control. So I mentioned sex. I mentioned prayer, mentioned gratefulness, time with Jesus. I mean, I said prayer, but time with Jesus. We’ve got extra time. Most would say most of you, not everyone, right, but you’ve got extra time. Use this time wisely. When you have, you know, thought of sermons in the past, but oh, I can’t really look into that. I can’t really read that book. I can’t really pursue that thought process because I just don’t have time. While you do. You do have time. So do it. See what God thinks about your life? See what God thinks about your heart. Take your journal, start asking some hard questions. asking hard questions, answering hard questions. Having that time with Jesus. I mentioned playfulness. And as I said at the after the music I’m going to be talking about health that happens to be something important to me and definitely a passion to help people with that. But but not necessarily part of the the mission of dy M if you will. But I think the belief in your heart really does matter

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though You see this crisis, the purposes you assign to it for you, really does matter to you, they’re going to empower you, or disempower you, it’s either going to invite you and encourage you and inspire you and motivate you to do really, really good things during this crisis, or it’s going to make you feel like, there’s, there’s no hope. I’m wasting time. This is so annoying, and all this grumbling. And it’s like, listen, here, not in prison, about to be executed. I mean, if Paul can say rejoice in all things. Rejoice in the Lord, always again, I will say, rejoice, then you can too. You can, too. So, practically speaking, I want you to initiate, if you’re a woman, I want you to initiate sex tonight. If you’re a husband, I want you to really focus on playfulness and gratefulness. I want you to journal every day and get closer to Jesus. And really focus on the good in your marriage and let your spouse know that that’s what I think is going to be most helpful as you’re as you’re home, or whatever role you’re playing during this crisis. Alright, let’s go ahead and pray. Father, I thank you so much for the person on this podcast. Thank you for their heart, Lord, thank You that they are seeking to do Your will. I pray in Jesus name that. So often we learn something in we learn it very passively. We let the thought or the idea or the inspiration come in and kind of one in one ear and out the other Lord, and we don’t take real action to cement it in and make us change as humans as what we do in our behavior and our action in our ways of thinking. I pray in Jesus name for transformation for them. How do they change practically speaking in who they are, in who you want them to be? Because it’s very clear in your Word, you have a will for us. It’s it’s specific, and we can be off Matthew seven. Look at that scripture. It’s very specific that God cares about what we do with our life. It’s not just what we think about. It’s what we do. And so I pray God for the person who’s on this call, Lord, what is it that you want them to do during this time? And yes, the way they love and serve their spouse and their kids is very spiritual. It’s not just having faith, but works. Faith without works is dead. And who you are with your spouse is who you are before Jesus, those interactions, that is the quality of your character. It’s not your reputation amongst other people, if your spouse knows who you are, that’s who you are. So I pray for the grace for a more significant vision of what this cost time can be. For the person listening to my voice guide, give them a greater vision for them to invest in their sex life for them to invest in the person that you want them to become. Whether it’s reading books, whether it’s taking courses, whether it’s journaling, more specifically, whether it’s setting goals about what they’re supposed to be pursuing, at what season. God I asked for an intentionality and a focus during this time, God in Jesus name. Lord, thank You that You were walking with us that we don’t have to be afraid. And you have purpose for us, even in this time. In Jesus name, I love you. Thank you. Amen. All right, well, thank you for for joining me. And I encourage you one thing, I would love to have you as an email subscriber, I want to give you a couple of free things. So one is the eight keys to stay present if you’re a woman, so you can go to delight your marriage.com/present PR, E, S, e and t. When you do that, you’ll be signed up for my email newsletter. I don’t email a ton, but sometimes when there’s either something important that I want you to know about or I want to encourage you or there’s a new podcast, every now and then somewhere around once a week. I do send emails so hopefully that’ll encourage you and keep you up. to date.

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And then if you’re a man, you can go to delight your marriage.com/the number seven blocks, which is a PDF, all about what are the seven blocks that may be happening right now that’s blocking her libido. So there may be things that you’re doing that you actually had no idea that you were doing. So I want to invite you to have that understanding and insight. Wonderful, okay. Again, thank you for your time. And God bless you. One last invitation is if this encouraged you, I would love for you to share it with someone else. And if dy has ever impacted you in a positive way, I would love for you to write a review on whatever app you listen to a lot of people listen via iTunes. So there’s a you can just easily click, you know, five stars, how do you do that? Just search delight your marriage in the search thing. Click on the icon. Even if you’re already subscribed, you have to search for it to get to the star ratings. So you have to search delight your marriage in the in the search, click on the icon, and then scroll down just a bit. And you’ll see all the stars and if you hit five star more people will be more encouraged to come and listen. Again, thank you so much. God bless you and I look forward to speaking to you next week.

36:48
Okay, so what did I do in terms of health stuff, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder back in the fall of 2019. In fact, I was diagnosed with low thyroid a couple of years before that, like extremely low. So I started taking medicine and then I was silly enough to stop because I thought it wasn’t important. And so I had had some really poor symptoms for a long time. And Hashimotos is the autoimmune disorder. And so after three months of following a woman named Isabella Wentz who’s actually a pharmacist, I did her program to the tee, where I cut out gluten, I cut out dairy, I cut out what was the other one soy, I cut out probably 98% of my sugar intake. And I cut out caffeine for a while. And, and then carbs processed carbs. I saw aside from veggies, very, very few carbs. So that’s my, that’s my regimen. Three months after getting the diagnosis, and I was implementing these things, I went to a new doctor. And I told her what I was doing. And she’s like, Yeah, there’s really no evidence that that stuff makes a difference. And I was like, Okay, I’m happy to take the medicine if I have to. But you know, I wanted to try this out just in case. So she took drew my blood. And the next day she called me she’s like, well, you definitely have the autoimmune disorder because you’ve got the antibodies, but your thyroid levels are normal. So keep doing what you’re doing. And we’ll check back in six months. So praise God, He healed me of this autoimmune disorder back in the fall, and I’ve kept up that diet. Very, very few cheat situations there. There have been some but I would say 95% I’ve kept it up. And and then that’s that was the biggest health change. There’s some things that I’ve added into my diet, a lot of and so for my lunch and like, I don’t really have breakfast anymore. So it’s it’s intermittent fasting. I’m not sure if you’re familiar with that. But there’s there’s some some evidence that that fasting is good for your immune system as well. So intermittent fasting just means for me, I start eating around 12 or one o’clock after not having eaten since the night before. So anyway, so I do that and then one thing I eat for lunch is green smoothies. And so those are pretty Part of Elizabeth’s is Isabella Wentz the pharmacist I mentioned, that’s her protocol, which is actually delicious. It’s an avocado, coconut milk, celery, carrots, some kind of greens, whether it’s kale or spinach, lemons and then protein powered or I use plant based poach protein powder organic, the brand I use is or gain o RG A I N, you can buy it at Target or places like that. So it’s it’s just plant based pea, pea protein mostly, but also it’s got superfoods, and it’s really good, just tasty even. So all that mixed up and in blended in a smoothie. With some salts, it’s just delicious. So I eat that most days, again for my lunch. And then for dinner, there’s it’s heavily vegetables, I will say that we do eat some grass fed meat, but I will say much less than I used to for sure. And I may need to come off even more of that. So I’m I’m debating about that I’ve been doing some more research around that. One thing that I do eat a lot of is actually coconut milk, which if you’re eating carbs, then I’m following a very healthy keto diet. So I just described I mostly eat vegetables, and I mostly don’t have carbs. So fat in something like coconut milk doesn’t scare me at all, because that’s actually good for me. It’s feeding my brain the fat that’s needed. But

41:51
it’s also not the calories are not an issue because I’m so limiting my carbohydrate intake. Now, of course, there are two different, you know, theories around whether or not this is good. What I’ve read, I’ve read both sides, I’ve read plant based things of saying no, you need to limit your fat intake as well. But I’ve also read enough around the health benefits of keto, from doctors to say that I think I like that perspective. And I’m pursuing that perspective right now it could change but that’s what I am focused on. But like I said, I may end up limiting more meat because I’m seeing some some pretty exciting things around. Why to limit that more. So let’s see what else. Oh, so the coconut milk, this is actually delicious, the coconut milk I mix with tumeric and crushed black pepper. And I heat that all up together. On the skillet, not on the microwave, we don’t have a microwave but in a skillet and then I drink that. And it is so delicious. It’s another way to call it as golden milk. And I’ll also add cinnamon into that. And that is just delicious. But the tumeric and freshly ground black pepper together have extremely anti inflammatory properties. Sorry, the Tumeric has anti inflammatory properties. But the crushed black pepper extends the anti inflammatory property, it extends the effect in terms of time like it, it makes it so it’s anti inflammatory for longer in your system. So have those two together. Another thing is I’m fascinated by the microbiome, which is your guts, which is basically your large intestine. Somewhere around there, they have found out some really cool things, they say that 70% of your immune system is in your gut. And so that’s why eating healthily is so important. Because it directly affects the health of the bacteria in your gut. So if you think about bacteria, as there being good bacteria and bad bacteria, and the bad bacteria is what causes a lot of sicknesses and the good bacteria that is your immune health as well as you know the things that the white blood cells and all that that’s going into your your bloodstream, and that basically ends the extent of my scientific knowledge around white blood cells. But I do know that gut health is also really important for your brain health

44:49
because there’s actually a lot of excuse me, there’s a lot of brain cells that are created in your gut, it’s really wild.

45:04
And what else I think there’s, I don’t think it like ends up traveling up to your brain if there’s like a lot of brain cells that are just hanging out in your gut. Alright guys, you’re going to have to look at this up because I clearly can’t remember all the details. But the insane part is there is so much in your gut. And it’s so important for you to keep it healthy. If you think about it even affects your mood, good feeling hormones, and chemicals like serotonin, it affects, like all of this stuff. It’s impacting, and yet, we don’t even, we don’t even know. So I’ve done a lot of research around it. Obviously, I can’t remember all the details, but it has impacted basically, I’m the kind of person that I’ll read a ton. And I’ll learn a ton. And I won’t always remember the details, but I’ll be convinced by, you know, the doctor I’m reading and then I’ll do what they say even if I can’t remember all the studies as to why I’m doing it. So yeah, do your own research. But this is these are my conclusions. So with all that said, How do I impact my gut health? Well, fermented things are phenomenal for your gut health. So we do something called kombucha, which is fermented sweet tea. It’s delicious. It tastes like a carbonated beverage. It’s just wonderful. And it’s incredibly good for your gut health. We also ferment garlic, raw garlic, so it’s just raw honey, covered, covering raw garlic cloves, crushed ROG our lick. Not with like, not like, not like squished up, but like, How can I describe it? Well, you know what, I’ll have the I’ll have a link to how to ferment raw garlic. And that’s how I learned how to do it. Okay, what else do we do in terms of fermentation, we also do apple cider vinegar, which is super easy, you just take apple cider, and you just let it sit out covered with some kind of cloth on the on a inside of a glass jar. But it just takes like three or four days and the whole thing turns like very acidic and tastes like vinegar. But it’s also apparently very good for your gut health. So that’s exciting. I’m trying to think what else do we ferment? I think there’s Oh, sauerkraut we ferment sauerkraut in frequently. But I’m fermenting them right now at that’s super easy to make. It’s just crushing up crushing up cabbage, so like slicing cabbage, super thin, and then crushing it with salts. And then like packing that into glass jars, making sure there’s liquid on the top, and then covering that putting it in a dark place. And then like two weeks later, I think it’s like really great fermented, awesome health for you. And then just some other things that are really good for your gut health are vegetables and the vegetables that are super fibrous, so things that kind of like onions, and celery, there’s also prebiotic foods and probiotic foods. Both of them are basically food for your gut bacteria that’s really good for them. So and also variety diversity in in what you eat. So asparagus, and like I said, onions and celery and raw garlic, and big leafy greens. All of those things are extremely good for your gut bacteria. We hide a lot of greens in our smoothies. That’s how we consume a lot of what we eat in terms of health wise, because a lot of times personally speaking, that stuff is not the tastiest for me, but if I combine it with things like avocado and in coconut milk, and it just is delicious. So I want to invite you to not feel like you have to eat salads all the time because I am not a big fan of salads, honestly. But that’s kind of what I do instead is just lots of smoothies and my kids too, because we’ll add blueberries, that kind of thing. Oh, another thing I eat a lot of is because I don’t eat sugar. You know, I still have cravings much, much less than what I used to but

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when I do, I’ll put coconut milk and chia seeds in blueberries, frozen blueberries, and I’ll mix that up in in a wineglass so it looks fancy and then I’ll eat that it’s delicious. I We’ll say be careful not to eat too many chia seeds because it, it’s high in fiber, but it’ll be pretty hard to go to the bathroom the next day if if you eat too many of them. So just be careful. It’s good. It’s very good for you, but just don’t overdo it. The other thing I eat a lot of nuts. So Brazil nuts is really good. It’s got selenium in there, it’s really good for your brain health. We also cook with olive oil or coconut oil, or on occasion, avocado oil, we do not cook with vegetable oil or canola oil. Both of those I’ve read it just not good at all. But coconut oil. I’ve read lots of really good stuff around as well as olive oil and avocado oil. And I think those are the main things. I really think a lot about my gut. And by God’s grace, He healed the autoimmune disorder in had I not been healed through this process through this journey of cutting out so many things. I would have been high risk by the time I got Coronavirus. And so I would really highly suggest you take your immune health seriously now, so that whenever your area of the world experiences it, whether it’s tomorrow or a month from now, you can be fully ready. So that’s my encouragement to you. I am young, I’m not I’m not, you know, so there’s definitely a thing to that, that. However, I will say that I also our family are extremely careful around our food choices. So I also have to take medication, which affects things. So I have to take medication every day heavy duty ones for some other health things. So that also impacts your immune system, just taking medication. So So yeah, there are things that are in my favor in terms of how my body responded to COVID. But but like I said, I mean, this is our lifestyle, this is what we do. exercise and sleep are also a really important part of my lifestyle as well. So those are my encouragement. You know, just making small changes day by day by day, and just recognizing it matters. So anyway, that’s my that’s my encouragement to you. And I hope it’s encouraging and I hope it makes you want to learn more not feel overwhelmed. But no matter what, I love you and I’ll talk to you next week. Bye

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Corona virus, COVID-19, has impacted you.

For so many the fear is tangible.

I know it’s impacting your marriage. Sadly the divorce rates in China have skyrocketed as a result of the quarantine.

I don’t want that to continue or become worse.

I want to help you. In your marriage, in this time, is it possible to be a soft landing DURING this crisis?

How can you get better? How can you and your spouse grow into the people God wants you to become DURING this crisis.

Many of us have a lot more time on our hands. (If you’re in the medical field, please know we’re praying for you).

How are we using that time?

I want to invite you to a FREE online workshop: SOFT LANDING Webinar: Be encouraged & be loved by your spouse DURING crisis

On that webinar I’ll be launching a brand new group: Delight Groups to help you stay encouraged DURING the crisis.

You don’t have to do this alone. If you want to sign up for the THRIVE webinar or learn more about the groups, sign up here.

tracscript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. All right, welcome. This is belah. Rose, thank you so much for joining me. Would you join me in praying for a moment before we dive in? Father, I lift up this listener to you right now, God, I asked you to meet them where they are. I asked that you would open their heart to hear what you want them to hear on this episode. God, this would be something that would in power them would encourage them would give them insights, Lord, and even if whatever you speak to their heart has nothing to do with what I’ve said or even opposes what I’ve said, I pray you would speak to their heart, God that you are the God that is with them. You’re the God that speaks to them, Lord. So I pray that you would do that, even over these next few minutes as we’re chatting. In Jesus name. Amen. Wonderful. Okay, well, what I want to talk about is what’s going on right now, and you may be quarantined? And if you’re not already, you probably will be. And there’s probably a lot of fear and concern for you and for your loved ones, and maybe for jobs and financial security. And I completely hear that. And I’m aware of those things as well. In fact, I spent some time asking you all if you’re on my email list, what are your biggest challenges in these recent days, maybe a couple of weeks of quarantine. And I’m sifting through that because I want to understand how I can help you the best in this time. So that’s what I’ve invited. Again, if you’re on my email list, if you’re not, you can send me an email, B E L, A H, at delight your marriage.com. And I’d love to hear from you. I intend and expect many, many emails. I read them all. I might not answer all of them, but I do read them all. So you know, certainly have grace with me if I’m not able to answer it. But it does really give me a good sense of how to pray for you, and how to encourage you. And I have something really important that I want to share with you. And I’m going to share that at the end of this episode. But I think it’s going to be really helpful, and it’s free. And I really do think it’s going to be very helpful for you. Okay, so let’s talk about the scary times, you know, one insight I want to share with you is that we’ve actually always lived in scary times, always, even if you live in a stable country like the US, you know, relatively stable. Even so 1.2 5 million people die every single year, according to Google, according to the statistics, Google says is accurate. 1.2 5 million die every year due to car accidents. And yet most people, at least ride in cars, if not own one themselves. And so I think the reason we are willing to accept a risk like that, and not feel so fearful about it is that we assume we’re in control, we turn the wheel and it seems like we’re the ones that can decide, you know, our fate, if you will. But the truth is, one person just has to fall asleep at the wheel in front of us, and we’re gone. We’re always in a risky state. And yet, that’s something we have accepted. Now. We’re in a spot where it feels like we’re completely at loss of control. And it’s true, I think, God is allowing us to really see the reality of our lives. We have always been a vapor in the wind. We have always been here today and gone tomorrow. We have always been a flower in the field. And yet this is our opportunity to grow. This is an opportunity I think, for you to grow. I want to give an example of a lot of us have been addicted to sugar. I’ll raise my hand to that. So I’m very addicted. In fact, so much so that I would sometimes grab a pint of ice cream and just consume it the entire the entire containers that night.

5:02
And I think that when you only eat sugar, you get to a place where you’re like, Oh, I actually want something real, I want I want something significant. I want greens and vegetables and things that are actually going to make my body feel good, because that’s truly fulfilling. And I think that’s where we are right now, even with social media and those kinds of things. Many people around the globe have been addicted to their phones and social media. And we’re at a place now where it’s like, we’re realizing that’s not fulfilling. That’s not sustaining us. We can see that that doesn’t satisfy these addictions. I want to invite you to realize that every suffering is an opportunity for growth. Every single suffering is an opportunity for growth. Paul wrote many books in the Bible while he was in prison, like prison, he was flogged, beaten, scoffed at lonely. And yet he wrote the very scriptures we are reading 1000s of years later, God breathed words. So he used his time wisely while in prison. And if you think Quarantine is anything like prison, what if we used our time that wisely? What if we used our time that wisely? He didn’t have the perspective, well, I’m just gonna sit on my hands. Because I’m in prison. There’s nothing I can do. Even Joseph, right, Joseph, in order to get to a place where he was elevated in order to help people. That man went through a lot of suffering. Joseph had a dream, he was given a dream by God. And then his brothers attacked him for it. They tried to kill him, put him in a well, so he would die. And then he was sold into slavery. And then even when he rose to the top of, of doing the best he could for for his, you know, Potiphar or for his, his master. Then he was accused of raping Potiphar his wife, can you believe that? And then he was thrown into prison. And it was complete. Opposite Potiphar was coming on to him like just like this crazy thing. And then he was in prison. And yet he was like, I can imagine Joseph’s concept of I thought I was supposed to be leading I was I was the moon and in the stars were bowing down to me what is going on? I had this dream god that I thought you gave me. Why am I now in prison? I’ve done the very best that I could. And you know what, if he had not gone to prison, it had he not gone there and encouraged those people that were ultimately going to go back to the king and tell him about Joseph had he not used his time wisely in prison. He would not have been at been elevated to second in command and ultimately saved Israel, God’s people from from starvation in the drought. So I want to invite you to use this perspective wisely. Use this opportunity wisely. Don’t sit on your hands while you’re in prison. Recognize that God has something important to show you. Nelson Mandela was in prison for 27 years. And he came out and freed an entire people group of horrific violence and racism. He used his time wisely. The best of the best have lived out suffering. They have scars. You know, if you want to find someone wise, they have done it by careful pursuit of wisdom, through their battles. They have become wise through careful pursuit of wisdom through their battles. Somebody who has had it easy doesn’t have the opportunity to grow. For example, if if you’ve got kids, you know that if you do everything for them, they will never learn to do it on their own. Like if you don’t let them struggle to walk, they’ll never walk. If you always are carrying them, they will never walk. If you don’t give them the opportunity to tie their own shoes, get dressed in the morning, all of those things. They will never learn to do it on their own. So I want to invite you to realize that God gives us an opportunity in every struggle. I’m not saying that God made this crisis happen to discipline us or teach us, I

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don’t know, I trust God is a good God, a faithful God, a merciful God, I do know that we have an opportunity in every suffering. In every struggle, we have an opportunity to do towards turn towards God. Turn it towards God in it, let him change us through it. Let us encourage and love others through the storms. But I want you to notice the gifts of suffering. Notice that God can grow you up through it, if you reflect, if you take and keep the perspective that you’re growing in this. And if you take it seriously, that God is actually molding who he wants you to be. I don’t think now is the time to complain. I think now is the time to dig in. I think it’s figure out how to respond to this crisis, how you get to respond to this crisis, because people are looking for leaders, they’re looking for hope. They’re looking for those that are going to say this way, guys, this is the way let me help you. Let me encourage you. Jesus was a man who led a perfect life. He was a man of character. He didn’t just make one choice to die on the cross. What Jesus did was he made one hard choice after another hard choice after another hard choice. And if he hadn’t have made the first one, the second one, the 13th to the 25th, the 3,000th Harder choice to follow God. When God asked him to suffer and die for the sake of an entire people. For Jesus, it was yes. Because he had said yes to God’s call and will on his life, every single moment of every day. He had developed a good tree. So the fruit was automatically good. So the fruit was automatically good. Let me read to you what it says in Matthew seven. I’ve been praying on this chunk of Scripture a lot. And I think it would really encourage you, especially in this time. So Matthew 715. Beware of false prophets who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will recognize them by their fruits are grapes gathered from thorn bushes, or figs from thistles? So every healthy tree bears good fruit. But the diseased tree bears bad fruit. A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus you will recognize them by their fruits. Not everyone who says to Me, Lord, Lord, will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day, Many will say to me, Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty miracles in your name? And then I will declare to them, I never knew you. Depart for me, you workers of lawlessness.

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Everyone, then who hears these words of Mine, and does them does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock, and the rain fell, and the winds came and blew and beat on that house. But it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand and the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against the house and it fell, and great was the fall of it. And when Jesus finished saying these things, the crowds were astonished at his teaching, for he was teaching them as one who had the authority, not as their scribes. So I want to invite you to realize you will recognize them by their fruits. A good tree bears good fruit in Galatians 522 We know that the fruit of the Spirit is love, and joy, and peace and patience, and goodness, kindness and gentleness, faithfulness and self control. Now is the time to see how you can stretch yourself to help others know that they are not alone to help others To see hope, in this time of desperation, to help others to be encouraged, even in the midst of uncertainty. At any time, we could have lost our jobs at any time. We could have died before today. You know, millions do every day. But now it’s right up in front of us. We’re thinking about it. The news is constantly around it. It’s all over social media. Now, I feel like it’s so easy to see priorities, that they’ve always been there. But right now, it’s very clear that money cannot buy security. material possessions cannot create fulfilment, distractions, through videos, social media, or movies cannot provide peace,

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love, and hope. We need people. God designed us that way. He said it was not good for Adam to be alone. He was in need of Eve.

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You were not designed to be alone. And if you feel that way, in your marriage, I want to help you. I want to help you, especially at this time, especially at the time that you are required to probably work from home, or you’re just around your spouse a lot more. I’ve actually had the opportunity to work full time from home for the last five years, and part time work on my own businesses three times three years before that. So during that time, I’ve actually worked for Fortune 50 companies, the biggest ones out there, the ones you definitely know and have their products in your home right now. I’ve also worked in in toxic workplaces. I’ve worked with people who were really mean, and thought I was stupid, I worked in places that I thought I was gonna get fired. I also built three of my own companies that made zero income, I worked at places that were extremely generous. Even when I was in the hospital for weeks, they paid me even though I was just a part time worker. And now I work full time self employed. And through it, I feel directly in line with God’s will in my life right now. I get redirected by God consistently. I’m no way shape or form perfect. I’ve got lots of areas for growth. But I’m certainly aligned and driven towards God’s will in a way that I never had in my life previous to now. So I say all these things not to brag, but hopefully to encourage and inspire you that you can do this. I want to help you to know the specific tools needed to not just be okay during the season, but to truly help others during it. Many people want to do something great for God. But they’ve said, Oh, I’m in this dead end job. But I have to pay for this or have to do that. I don’t have time for it. Now you have time. Now you have time the possibilities online are endless. Yes, there is a learning curve, no doubt. But everyone gives away their their understandings and trainings on how to use online tools and resources for free. Anyway, you can start anything for free right now, pretty much. So I would encourage you to go soak it up research, be intentional, get support. So here’s what I want to do. I want to support you in your process of having an awesome marriage while you’re at home. I want to help you even in the worst cases, you know, sadly, in China, they’re seeing a huge uptick in divorces. Now that people are outside of quarantine. That is not something I want to happen. I want this time to build your marriage and intimacy and heal you guys, now that you have the time to really focus on it. So here’s what I’m really excited about superduper excited about. I’ve been praying a lot and I feel like this is the right avenue to help. I launched delight groups. I’m going to launch these very soon. And let me just tell you why. I’m going to launch it and then I’m going to tell you what they are. laughter and connection actually boosts your immune system. And what I have found over the years where I found it and facilitated women’s groups that were just about connecting and staying accountable on the goals that we want to achieve. I’ve done that for over five years online and I’ve worked with women from France to Canada, Australia, UK all over the US And we’ve built lifelong friendships that have encouraged each other supporting each other. And I’m not on social media personally, or professionally at this point it either. So no Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, la, la, la, whatever, tick tock Snapchat, I know plenty about it, because I, you know, I know about

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them, but I’m not on any of them. But with all that said, three major mentors in my life. My strongest mentors at this point, aside from my local church leadership, I have never met them in person. And yet we talk weekly, or at least every once a month, some of them weekly, also of my six closest friends right now, four of them, I have never met in person. And only two live close enough for me to see on a regular basis. So the other five, I only connect with online. Yeah, my math doesn’t work out, I guess maybe it’s seven closest friends, something like that. The point is, many of them I only connect with online, and yet I have a full life where I feel connected to people. So we, as a society right now, we don’t know how long we’re going to be in quarantine, it’s really up in the air. And I want to give you guys some, some hope that you can have deep, meaningful close relationships, whether you’re a man or a woman through online means. Now again, there is a learning curve, it’s a little awkward, you could just got to gulp it down and realize that it’s worth it. But I’ve been working. I’ve been running team coaching now for men, even for about a year. And I’ve had thank God amazing successes where a man who was literally separated from his wife, when he started now says that it’s like magic, now. We’re more intimate than we’ve ever been. And they were married for over 20 years. Another man whose wife didn’t want to didn’t want him to do the game, the team coaching actually, when he started, she didn’t like the fact that he was doing it. Now he says that they’re in their honeymoon stage again. And they’ve got a young child who you know is going to be, you know, positively impact or is positively impacted because of their marriage transformation. And then just another quick share about a gentleman who has been married over 20 years and felt like he was bottom of the list, he had to walk on eggshells around his wife for fear that she wouldn’t be intimate with Him, even on the days that he was home after traveling. And by the end of the program, she’s the one that’s asking to spend time with him. She’s the one, the only one who’s initiating, she’s the one who wants to hang out with him. So it’s just incredible. What God has done through these team coaching opportunities, a major challenge for people right now is finances. I really want to help you during this time, I’m going to be offering brand new facilitated delight groups for 50% off your first month, the entire month, 50% off. And it’s, I think going to be extremely economical, it’s a completely new price point for you all, so that you can get the support when you need it right now, right now. So I’ll tell you more about the details here of the delight groups. But here’s what I want to do that I want to give you completely free. I want you to come on a live webinar this week, I’m going to do one for wives and I’m going to do one for husbands. I want to tell you exactly how you can thrive while being cooped up in your house with your spouse and kids. Why do I have separate calls for men and women? Well, I’m going to give you separate advice and separate encouragement, I’m actually going to go through the specific tools that I go through with those that I work with in a coaching session, whether it’s one on one, or whether it’s in a group call, these are the specific tool I’m going to walk through and I’m going to give it to you by the end of the call by the end of this webinar. So it will be very, very practical. It’s also going to be a workshop. So you are going to craft your best life and I’ll be giving you the opportunity to interact with me during the webinar. So if you’re there alive, you’ll get the most out of it. But you won’t be seen or heard by others. So you’ll you’ll be bringing your pen and paper to write notes and really design what a life changing marriage can look like during quarantine. And you can you know, message me during it.

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So then you will get the insights that you need and then From there, I’m going to tell you a bit more about delight groups, and you’re going to be able to sign up for it, which is going to start the following week. So it’s really fast, I want you to get encouragement and inspiration as soon as possible. But I really think that you need guidance, teaching, as well as genuine connection with others. And you can do that online. And the reason I know you can is because I have done it, I’ve done it successfully by God’s grace for years, my closest friends, the ones that I can call when I’m crying are the ones that I need a pick me up, or I need advice on a specific things. Those are the ones that I call that I met online. So I really want to encourage you, it is possible to have a full life, even while you’re in quarantine. And to get the insight that you need and the support and accountability you need to love your spouse well and receive love through this time. Now whether or not you’re able to come on the webinar, you can go to delight your marriage.com/delight group. delight your marriage comm slash delight group. And what that does is it’ll give you all the information about the webinars, whether you’re a husband or wife. And then it’ll also give you the insight about delight groups. If you’re listening to this in the future, and you want to be part. Keep in mind, that your mood, strong and your heart hopeful, will literally improve your immune system. And you’ll be able to help others during this time of need. They need hope. So let’s pray together Father in Jesus name, I asked that you would be with this listener, help them to know that there is more during this season, than even they have space to understand right now you have purposes for it. We don’t have to understand your your thoughts are higher than our thoughts. Your ways are higher than our ways God I just ask that this person would want your will in their lives. Help them to know what to do to be your hands and feet at this time. What can they do? Lord, help them to trust you and above all, Lord. Let them accept the saving mercy of the Lord Jesus, who came from heaven sacrificed His own life so that we could be with you in eternity. Whether it happens tomorrow, or whether it happens 50 years from now. Lord, we are but a vapor and we trust you with the days, the years or the hours we have left. We love you Jesus. Amen. I hope I get to speak to you soon. God bless you. I love you. I’m praying for you. We’ll talk soon bye