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Fear activates.

Over the Christmas break my son had a very serious health crisis. And we cried out to God. And God moved. My faith was increased and everyone who has heard the story was impacted to trust God more.

Have you ever heard, “There are no atheists in foxholes”? People want hope to grab onto. And when reason fails to give that hope, the power of God can come in to help people experience His love.

This is an opportunity to be an example to all who you know.

Don’t be the victim who numbs your fear, but the leader who stands in faith.

Believe me I’ve been the former, but I am want us to stand up and encourage and pray and love those who are in fear right now.

As Jesus-followers, we are lucky to know that this earth is not the end. But how do we encourage and pray for our neighbors? How can you start now? You may have a lot more time on your hands. How can you start to encourage and help others even RIGHT NOW?

Encourage your spouse. Love them generously so they can do their best in the world right now. Prioritize peace in your home so the storm isn’t ALSO raging in your home.

Sign up to my newsletter for more encouragement during this time: www.delightyourmarriage.com/present

And you’ll also get my 8 Tips to Stay Present in Intimacy

Love you and I’m praying for you,

Belah

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. All right, welcome. This is belah. Rose. Listen, thank you so much for tuning in. I’m sure that there’s a lot going on in your heart and mind right now. And I want to speak to you about that. I titled this broadcast, use this crisis wisely. And the reason is, because there’s nothing that motivates quiet like a crisis. We are so motivated to respond in fearful ways. And I think you can turn on anything. And see that that is the response of the world. Because there’s a lot of fear, a lot of concern, a lot of even paranoia. And certainly, there’s much cause for caution and carefulness. But what I want to invite you to do is consider the fact that you are a leader in every circle in every sphere, that you are in. Now, it really doesn’t matter if you are the founder of the organization, or you happen to be a part doesn’t matter if you are the pastor of the church, or you happen to be a member. It doesn’t matter if you are the leader of the family, or you’re just the shy brother or sister. What matters is that you impact every sphere and every circle, that you’re a part of every single one, even the group of social media members that you are a part of you are a person that has influence. I love the quote from Jane Goodall that says, what we do makes a difference. What kind of difference will you make? I just think it’s true that we all have influence. And it’s true in our marriages, as well. So let me tell you a story of what happened over the Christmas break. 2019 my youngest son had a scary health incident that happened. He was telling me that morning that his eye was hurting. And he was kind of itching it with his hand and I took a look. And I thought maybe there was an eyelash in there or something. And no, there was nothing. So I just let him continue throughout the day. But then, every couple of hours, it seems he was checking in with me to tell me it still hurt. And it was right read. And I assumed Well, maybe it’s a sty in his eye. I couldn’t figure out what’s going on. So at one point, I was like, Okay, let’s just flushes it out with water. And, you know, see if that fixes it. So he was away with his cousins all afternoon. And then he came back that evening, late into the evening, actually. And he said that his eyes still hurt. And at this point, it was streaming water as though we were crying just in one eye. It was bright red. It wasn’t like puffy like pinkeye it was just the the white of his eyes were bright red. And he said he could not see out of that eye. So that was alarming because this is the son that doesn’t make up stories. He’s not the one that exaggerates anything. He is the one that tells the whole truth and nothing but the truth in every situation. So it wasn’t one of those things where my other son, he probably would make up a story. So what I did was we were standing outside on the porch, and I covered one of his eyes, the good one, and I asked him to walk towards the bathroom. And he walked just about right into the wall. And I stopped him right before he did. And then I turned him around and I asked him to try again. And he just about walked into a chair. And then I tried another time and he walked just about off the porch and I would have

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had I not stopped him he would have done that. We tried probably 10 times. And then what I did was I called in. As I’m becoming far more alarmed, I called in my husband and my, my other son, my older son. He’s six and a half my younger son’s five at the time. And I called my my husband and I said, Okay, let’s let’s lay hands on our brother, our son here, and pray that God would heal him. And we prayed in faith that Jesus would, would reach down and heal my son. And they went back to doing what they were doing. And for some reason, I had my son repeat after me, Jesus has healed me, thank God that Jesus has healed me. Thank you, Jesus for healing me. I hadn’t repeat that. I think that’s what it was. Thank you, Jesus, for healing me. Thank you, Jesus for healing me. I had him repeat that after me. Probably five times. And then, you know, at this point, it’s probably 1130 At night, and we had the kids go to sleep. And because there was really, you know, I was trying to figure out what else to do. So where we were staying, we didn’t have electricity or Wi Fi or anything. So I ran to the center of the town where where I had purchased Wi Fi earlier in the day and praise God, that they had Wi Fi still, at night, I guess they leave the router Han. And there was no cell phone service in the town either. It was up in the mountains and super rural farm country. But so I was praying the whole time as I’m running there, praying the whole time call my mom, we prayed together. I did some googling. Turns out there was no good prognosis that I could find there was no like, oh, this will go away. No, it was like this is this could be a heart problem. This could be a permanent issue, you need to get medical advice, immediately medical attention. And so Okay, so I’m praying and faith and a couple of scriptures came to my mind, as I’m praying Ephesians 616 that says that the shield of faith protects against all the fiery darts of the evil one, the shield of faith. And so then I was like, Okay, well, we pray in faith in Jesus name, that you would completely heal this young man’s eye, and that not only would he have vision here, but this would be a testimony of his whole life, that he would have vision and clarity, where other people are unable to see he would be able to see. And those were the kinds of prayers I prayed over my son as we’re, as my mom and I are figuring out next steps and so Okay, so I need to immediately get my son medical attention, because that’s clearly the only only thing that would be prudent to do. So I ran back over to where my husband was, as I’m praying the whole time, and I told him, and he’s like, Well, the, you know, the clinic in our town is closed, and the closest hospitals probably like a 45 minute drive away. So that’s a big deal. And at the time, we didn’t have a car. So we would have to wake some people up that we know that do have cars, and they would take us. But we decided, why don’t we wake him up? And let him? Let’s just see how it is because we prayed, you know, we prayed in faith that God would heal him. Let’s let’s see what he did. Let’s see what God did. And woke my son up and asked him, you know, he’s sleepy, so he doesn’t want to be awake. And we asked him, we put them on one side of the room, and I covered the good eye. And I asked him to go back to bed. And he navigated around a couple of different things. But he walked straight back to the bed, being able to see in that blind eye. So my husband and I rejoiced, we thanked God, we praise God, I ran back to the Wi Fi place. And I called my mom and we praise God, we we thanked him again. I remember one thing that was on my mind was the story of the lepers. Do you remember there’s a story in the in the Bible where Jesus healed 10 lepers they came to him, they asked him for healing. He said, Go wash in this particular water and then go present yourself to the priests. They all did that. They were all healed.

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Only one of those lepers returned to thank Jesus Only one. And Jesus said wasn’t there wasn’t there nine others that were healed. And I only see one here. And then Jesus said, Your faith has healed you. And that’s what is really key to me is that sometimes we pray, we fast, we stand on the scripture, and God does it. And we don’t go back to think him. We don’t go back to share the testimony, we don’t go back to make sure that miracle was credited to God. That’s a big deal. Every miracle that God has done in your life, make sure that God is the one that gets the credit. Make sure that you’re sharing this amazing news with others of God’s glory and goodness and kindness and the fact that he does miracles even now. So that was my prayer with my mom. And then I spent some time emailing those that pray for the ministry that have told me over the years that they pray for me, and they pray for the people listening and they pray. So I, I sent them an email to just say thank you for praying and standing with with dy M, I want to share this incredible testimony. And, and that’s what I spent, you know, time in the middle of the night doing, and just so that God would get the glory. And I ran back again to my home just rejoicing, thinking God. In the morning, I asked my son, how was I was, and he said, it’s so good, because we prayed. And it wasn’t even read. There was no pain, there was no water leakage, like the night before, there was no symptom at all of the previous day’s blindness. And again, when I searched on Google, there was no, like, I searched things like temporary loss of sight, there was no, it was not an option. This was a flat out miracle that God did. But I want you to know, I was so motivated to ask in faith for prayer, and change and dramatic transformation from God, because it was a crisis. Because my son could have lost his sight for the rest of his life. This was a crisis. So I want to invite you to use the crisis that’s going on in your life. If you’re listening to this in the present, then we’re dealing with Coronavirus if you’re listening this to this in the future, you’re dealing with some other crisis, I’m sure but use this crisis to bring glory to God. Not sure if you’ve heard the phrase it goes something like there’s no atheists in foxholes, which is basically saying the people that are at the front lines, you know, risking their lives. In the times of war. They’re all praying for God’s safety and protection. You’re not an atheist. In a crisis, we are looking for the higher power to protect us, even if for many people, intellectually, they can’t get behind the fact that there’s a God and that there is a creative force that created everything on this planet. And he deserves worship and honor and praise and Jesus sent His Jesus came to the earth so that we could be in communion with Him. Plenty of people can’t get behind that until they’re in a crisis. And there is no other choice but to turn to something greater than themselves. So I want to invite you in this crisis to be the leader to be the one that says you know what? I can have hope I can have peace. My faith is strong. I stand on the rock in the midst of the storm. I am calm. Just like Jesus in the midst of the the storm where even fishermen are freaked out thinking that everyone’s gonna die. Jesus is on a cushion, sleeping.

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He’s resting. When they woke them up. And Jesus, I think Jesus wasn’t mad about being woken up. I don’t think that was the problem. It was the fear that they brought to Jesus rather than Jesus. Jesus help us with this. We asked for your help in this it was Jesus. Don’t you care? We’re all gonna die. I think that’s the kinds of prayers God wants, prayers of faith, that he would help us that he would destroy this, this virus that he would protect those we love, that he would keep those that are vulnerable to the the market, having crashing and the, you know, hourly wages that are being cut because of different things needing to be closed. And, Lord, we ask that you would put your hand of protection, and guide the leadership and guide the people that are empowered to help others. That those are the kinds of prayers of faith. And you know what God is going to bring us through this, and he will get the glory. And that is our discipline, our responsibility, that we don’t go get cleaned. We’re not one of those lepers that don’t come back to Jesus and say, Thank you, you’re the one that did this. But right now, your prayers, you’re reaching out, you’re crying out to God in faith, because he is a big God. And he can do a lot more than we can with our worrying and sitting on our, our hands. There’s a quote that I looked up just this morning, and I don’t actually have the reference. So I’m sorry about that. But it says worrying does not take away tomorrow’s troubles. It takes away today’s piece. I want to invite you to be the influencer in your circles that brings peace and faith and provokes people to turn to Jesus in a crisis. God is the one that can handle it all. And you know what, even if we have 60 7080 years left on this earth, even if that is still a snap of the fingers, that is still a vapor in the wind that is still, you know, flowers of the field here today gone tomorrow, no matter how long our life is, it is brief. So whether the Coronavirus is going to take us or not, no matter what our time here is fleeting, so don’t waste this crisis to impact those that need to hear the love of Christ, that need to be encouraged that you can have faith that you can reach out to God for His mercy for His grace, for his comfort for his peace, for his guidance for his leadership, for the relationship with Him even now, what can you do? You know, a lot of people are off of work, you’ve got a lot more time to impact a lot more people. You know, when I started this podcast, it was a side time as a part time gig for years. And now by God’s grace, it’s impacting hundreds of 1000s around the world in 155 different countries. But it wasn’t because I invested a bunch of money. In fact, my first microphone, it’s a really funny picture. Literally was balanced on a oatmeal box, because I didn’t have money to invest in in getting a big to do or what have you it was. And what I would edit my podcast with was, was the computer I had at the time, which was this tiny little thing that I would have to edit. I just learned I learned it all by by googling things. I did not pay anything to learn this stuff. It was free. So I just want to invite you, maybe God wants to launch Ministries for you right now. Maybe a podcast, maybe a YouTube channel, maybe social media, blah, blah, whatever a Social Media Group, people need support right now. And you’ve got time. You can be the one that’s helping and loving and supporting. You can be the one that’s being the influencer. You can start an email chain, an email list where you’re sending out email updates of of Scripture and encouragement and prayers. You can help people you can be a leader right now. No one has to pick you quote, you can pick yourself to be the help and support and guidance you can you can create a phone chain of praying

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on a daily basis you can invite everyone you know, to to pray at three o’clock in the afternoon to join a FaceTime that everyone’s going to pray on your on your phone list. You can invite everyone via text message. I mean, there are so many things you can do as one individual right now be a leader in this time. Don’t numb yourself and act like victim. Don’t numb yourself and act like a victim. God has made you more than conquerors. This is an opportunity for you to lead and support and love and turn people towards Jesus. Right now you have time to have perspective on what’s going on in this world. Right now you have time to step back and say, Wow, I mean, are we really on a mud ball? Circling and spinning around the Sun at a, however, million miles an hour? That’s not true. But, you know, there’s got to be more than this. Give people perspective that they need that they need right now. Dive into the word dive into apologetics. Help your own faith to grow. You have time to learn and implement dredge up things on the internet that you’ve never read before to learn more about your faith to be able to be that leader to be able to guide people towards Jesus. Stop dredging up Coronavirus, fear stuff, that’s not actually going to help you, you probably no, you have to wash your hands, you probably know you should boost your immune system. I’m a big proponent of gut bacteria, healthy gut bacteria. So we eat a lot of fermented stuff and raw garlic and that kind of thing. So if you want to learn about that fine, but now it now is an opportunity for you to serve others that let that be your legacy. Let that be the thing that matters most in this season. Now, I want to also invite you to be the one in your marriage that brings peace that brings shalom, be the one that starts prayers between you and your wife and your kids. If you have kids, be the one that starts the prayers be the one that prays for your spouse’s encouragement and peace and strength. Be the one that has faith that God is going to lead you through this. You are not alone. You are not alone. Now is a time to be intentional about your lovemaking right when we don’t feel like it because we’re in this state of negative and fear and that kind of thing. This is the opportunity to apply your will. And to decide I’m going to enjoy myself for a half an hour or an hour, however long you have, which you have plenty of time probably now. So enjoy yourself. serve your spouse, enthusiastically make love, engage with them. Help them help this season, to be easier for them. Help this season to be easier for them. Love them well in this season so that they can love others. Well also love them the way that they receive love. So if you’re a wife, make love passionately and enthusiastically. If you’re a husband, listen to your wife’s heart and her thoughts lead spiritually that makes her feel safe. So let me pray for you. Father. I believe that you work all things together for good for those who love you and your calls according to your purposes. I believe every single person listening fits in that category, Lord, you have called them. They are called according to your purposes. Father, and I pray right now you would provoke love in their heart for you, God that you are doing things we don’t understand, but you are definitely doing things. We trust you God, our circumstances do not release our faith. We hold fast to our faith we stay on the rock in the midst of the storm. Lord, we trust you. And Father I pray in Jesus name that you would end this Coronavirus father, I asked for those around the world, Lord that are suffering.

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I pray God that you would heal them. I pray that things would stabilize. I ask Father for those that are concerned about their wages of hourly workers. Lord, I pray for money to open up for them. I pray God that people would be generous to help others. Father, I ask Lord that people would turn to you. They would turn to you for hope. They would turn to you for peace. They would turn to you for steady hearts and minds. Lord, I ask God that there would be a shift in culture, Lord, to love you better to be more resolute in our pursuit of the fruits of the Spirit. Spirit love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control. God, I asked that your followers would exhibit those fruits in this time that people are really looking for good leadership. Lord, I ask that everyone listening to my voice would be standing up as a good leader, even if it’s a temporary thing that they’re going to start right now, as they have some extra time. Help them to know how to do it and just to start, start by encouraging start by loving start by pointing people to have faith in you, Lord, start by praying for others. Lord, I ask for your grace. To bring people to love you better in Jesus name, in Jesus name. In Jesus name, amen. Awesome, well, again, don’t waste this crisis. God is a good God and he is still on his throne. He has not given up control. I pray that you would be led by Him, you would be encouraged that you would move you would act. By loving others well, by encouraging them by being the voice that invites them to know Jesus that invites them to be stable and steady. And to trust that God is doing awesome things, even now. Even now, he is not far. He is intimately aware. And he cares about you. He cares about your family. And I believe he is with you in this. Love your spouse well during this time. Thank you so much for listening and joining me. I am sending email updates more frequently, just so I can, again encourage you and invite you to dig in during this time. So feel free to sign up you can go to delight your marriage.com you can sign up if you are needing some encouragement to stay present. While you’re making love. I’d love to offer you those eight tips to remain present. So just go to delight your marriage.com/present It’s a free gift for you and you’ll automatically be signed up on my email newsletter if you do do that. God bless you thanks for listening in. Please share this if you feel like this would be helpful for someone that you know and love. And also if you would be willing to add an iTunes review or wherever you listen to podcasts, add a review. Five Star Review and rating would be very appreciated by me. And God bless you. I look forward to our next conversation. Love you. Bye

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So, I messed up. I’m throwing myself under the bus here. I’m having trouble having grace with myself. I share what happened here. Maybe you can totally relate to my situation, or maybe you can’t. Hopefully you’ll at least be amused by my humbling…

We all have thorns in our flesh to keep us humble so hopefully this will be encouraging to you… to see me hum-iliated

Also…

I want to help you be motivated toward intimacy. Whether you’re a wife who needs motivation to love your spouse with sexual intimacy or you’re a husband who needs motivation to care about your wife’s emotional desires… or anywhere in between. This is how to be motivated to intimacy: emotional, physical and spiritual in your marriage!

Enjoy!

A couple of FREE resources I mentioned (after you’re motivated of course) is learn to seduce!

The 5 Amazing Seduction Tips delightyourmarriage.com/tips

Also, for men to understand their wife and how to remove the blocks that are keeping her from intimacy: delightyourmarriage.com/7blocks The 7 Blocks to Her Libido

Thanks so much for listening–looking forward to speaking again next week!

Love,

Belah

trascript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. All right, welcome, welcome. This is belah rose. And if we haven’t met before, I want to welcome you to the podcast, I aim to release this weekly. And it’s really a focus on encouraging and inspiring you to have wholehearted intimacy in your marriage. That includes emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy. So what I want to talk about today is your motivation for intimacy, what’s required for you to be motivated, to have intimacy and for your spouse to have intimacy with you in all of those areas that I just mentioned. Now before we dive in deeper, I want to give you a couple of freebies. So if you are a husband, and you’re looking to encourage your wife’s libido, give her a higher drive. Basically, I want to invite you to discover the blocks to her libido and when you are able to remove those that actually allows her to be more free in sexual intimacy. So you can go to delight your marriage.com/seven blocks, that’s the number seven BL o CK s. And what that is, is a downloadable PDF. So you can discover what is the those seven blocks that are inhibiting her is based on a webinar I did a while back. And it was extremely helpful for the men that attended, so much so that some people afterwards so that it brought them to tears to really understand what their wife is going through. Wonderful. And then if you’re a wife that’s listening, I have a resource for you called the Five seduction tips. Tip s so if you can go to delight your marriage.com/tip S. And what that will do is give you insights into some of my favorite seduction insights that essentially I think most women struggle with. And I am not exempt from the struggle. So when you do sign up for either of these, you’ll get not only the valuable resource, but you’ll automatically be signed up to my newsletter, where I send you wonderful content, mostly just once a week, I try to be really respectful. And I don’t want to overload your inbox. I know you’re very busy. But I am interested in empowering you and inspiring you in your intimate journey in your marriage. It is a journey and I’d love to join you and help you on that. So yeah, go to delight your marriage.com/seven blocks or delight your marriage.com/tip s tips. Wonderful. Let’s dive in to getting motivated to change motivating for intimacy in your marriage. Alright, so first of all, I want to throw myself under the bus. Because I think it’s going to encourage you and maybe let you laugh a little bit or just be amused at my humiliation. So first of all, I feel I’m supposed to be media fasting right now. And I feel like to some degree, God has asked me to be like John the Baptist. And if I’m distracted listening to all the voices and the opinions of others, I can’t hear him in order to go deep and get his heart for this work. So I don’t there are definitely disciplines I have around media already that are pretty strict. But yeah, there’s there’s definite more that I need to do. So I know in this season. I have a lot of goals and media something I need to stop and that includes YouTube social media, TV movies. Yeah. Don’t I sound so spiritual? Just kidding. Well, what happened the other night is I stayed up way too late. Watching America’s Got Talent YouTube clips. That’s right. I did that. Absolutely. And a couple of negative things happened as a result.

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It may seem strong, but in James it talks about if we feel like we did sin, it is sin for us. And I feel like I sinned. I missed the mark. That’s what sin means missing the mark as though you were an Archer and you’re trying to hit a bull’s eye. With your arrow, if you miss the mark, that’s what sin means. And I feel like I missed the mark in this season for me. And aside from that I was rebelling against the thing that keeps me healthy. I know sleep is vital to everything I do. And I decided not to do that. Not to mention, I’m supposed to be in a media fast. So what am I doing? Secondly, I feel I disappointed my husband, you know, who wants to be around someone who has underslept. And also someone who knows they did something wrong. Like there’s, there’s a lower energy, a lower enthusiasm for life when you know, you’re not doing what you should be doing. And I put him in this awkward place of being the responsible one in our relationship. So it’s super humbling. And it wasn’t a good choice. So the other thing is I disappointed those I am meant to serve. I woke up late the following day, which meant I had to cancel my coaching appointment, which is a I have a coach, right. So that keeps me most effective and aligned with what I believe is God’s will. And I cancelled it for this week. So I missed my quiet time with Jesus that day, because I had to get on calls. And I was tired and not feeling great. Which means I wasn’t able to serve those I’m committed to serve and love at my highest potential. So yeah, I missed the mark. Why am I telling you this? Well, hopefully you can put yourself in my shoes. If you let yourself sit with something you feel uneasy about. You may discover its sin. And in our overly distracted world, we have this concept of if I’m uncomfortable, it is bad. So I need to distract myself away from it. I need to eat the candy I need to click on the social media feed I need to check out that post and then that post them in that post and click on that clickbait clickbait just means that something that has an image that’s intriguing, you just click on it because it’s intriguing. It doesn’t mean that you really should be doing it anyway. It’s just clickbait it’s one of the things that internet marketers know very well. So why am I telling you this, I feel as though regardless of what areas of your conscience are pricked by choices you’re making, if you don’t look at it, then you’re not going to be deeply motivated to change, you have to look at the sin in order for you to recognize that it is sin and you need to change. So that’s the first step is to stop ignoring yourself or ignoring the feeling and stop distracting yourself away from it. And I say that with complete self disclosure of that’s my inclination, I would prefer to not look at my sin and just distract myself away from it. So the Bible tells us to confess our sin to one another so that we may be healed. And I wanted to be healed of this sin. Because it wasn’t a one time thing anyway. And even if it was, that would be okay to confess it. But I have done this many times where I will stay up late looking at just it’s not that it’s bad YouTube clips. Luckily, I’ve, you know, gotten at least to that place, but it’s not God’s best for me in the season. And especially staying up way too late is like, there’s no season that that is God’s best for me. So I wanted to be healed of this sin. So I went ahead and confessed it to a dear friend. And that was very helpful.

9:04
I know in the past when I was addicted to pornography, confessing that sin to a wise friend was very helpful in my healing. When I was addicted to bulimia, confessing my sin to my husband. my now husband we were dating at the time, but it was a huge step in my healing. And when I was addicted to social media or dieting, or comparison and jealousy, or video games or sugar or overeating, confessing it was a huge step in my healing. So I want to, I want it to be healed and and tethered to any possible addiction. Personally, I am more prone to addictions based on my family history. I have a higher likelihood of being addicted. So when I see something that is out of God’s best for me, I want to cut it off completely. And that may sound severe To some people that are able to do things in moderation, but I am not not not very well, not the things that I’m prone to being addicted to. So for example, I cannot watch TV series because once I watch one I am then on it for hours and hours and hours, I can’t seem to stop. And so for me the discipline is to not ever start. Even when people are like, it’s the best, you have to watch it. I’m like, I can’t, I just can’t it’s, you know, if it’s a movie, that’s alright, there’s a specific start and end, but I can’t watch a thing that goes on for hours, if you possibly binge it, okay, so let’s talk about how you can be motivated in your life. Now, the first thing that I gave you a sense of already, number one is you have to look at it squarely without distraction, it’s easier to look to the right or to the left and say, Well, that’s what other people are doing. So it’s not sin. But if you know in your heart that it is for you, then you’re missing the mark, if you don’t follow that. This is not to condemn you by any means it’s to open up new possibilities for you to walk closer with Jesus. It says it’s his kindness to lead us to repentance. And so if he wants you to change, whether it’s to love your spouse better, whether it’s to be more free, and sex, whether it’s to focus on being a person of higher character, to stop gossiping, to stop addiction, whether it’s pornography, or prostitution, or all sorts of things, like we have to look at it, we can’t distract ourselves away and assume that we’re going to be motivated to not do it again. We have to actually look at it and see the depth of our sin. Discipline is what we are called to be about that is what we are when we’re called to be a disciple of Jesus disciplined follower of Christ. So look at your sin number two, in order to overcome your sin, you have to accept the fact that Jesus came, lived a perfect life, died on the cross for your sins, you are a sinner. But when you acknowledge how deep your sin is, that means God’s gift. And grace for you is so big, and so wide and so deep. And that faith that he came here and forgave you, based on the sacrifice that he made for your sin. That’s called faith. That’s called being a Christian. So you can live a holy life because the moment you accept His forgiveness, you are no longer an addict. You are in that instance, you accept His grace, you are now a devoted son, or daughter, instead of a cold, heartless person you are in that instant you accept His grace. You are a generous servant and lover of people. Instead of an undisciplined slob, in that instant that you repent and accept His grace, you are a disciplined and devote follower of Jesus. If you don’t have faith in His forgiveness of you,

13:57
I mean, that’s the whole point. That’s what faith is, believing that He forgives you. Even in the small pricks of your heart, the things that you’re like, if I, you know, talk to someone else, they probably would be like us, no big deal. Don’t worry about it. But it’s no it is a sin for you. God has called you to something higher if you feel it in your conscience. He has called you to more. And that’s a beautiful thing. Think about John the Baptist. I mean, the amount of impact he had, because he followed God to what others would call extreme where he’s out in the desert eating locusts crying out for people to repent. I mean, he literally prepared the way for Jesus to come back. That man who decided he wasn’t going to accept the standards of what society or even those that were supposedly calling, following God was doing he decided for him. That was Sin for him. And that’s what God called him to do and to be about. You can’t live a holy life devoted and set apart for God IF YOU CAN’T BELIEVE that He has saved you from your sin. And when you believe that he has saved you from your sin, it means you’re no longer shackled to it, you no longer have an identity, as a person that is that kind of sinner, you accept His forgiveness. And I would encourage you to invite others on that journey to holiness, confess your sin to each other, so that you can be free so that you can be healed, I invite you to do that. What does that mean in terms of people that are addicted to some kind of sexual addiction, if you should confess that to your spouse, I’m not sure if that’s the right path. It is the right path to confess it to a wise mentor or friend, that can hold you accountable that can encourage you that can help you but you have to bring what’s in the darkness into the light. It is not okay to be addicted to pornography, it’s not okay to dabble in pornography. It’s not okay for any sexual addiction. It’s that is called unfaithfulness to your spouse. And that’s what it feels like if a wife is, I mean, it feels like he’s cheating on her if he’s doing pornography, that’s what it feels like to her. Because that’s sexual experience with someone other than her. So it’s very important for you to understand. And for you to really change, you have to look at that thing squarely in the face, and understand the depth of your sin and understand the depths of your sin, so that you can truly be motivated to change. So look at it squarely in the face. That’s number one. Number two, accept Jesus, true forgiveness, accept it have faith, that he forgives you of that sin. And then number three, that you have to have grace for your spouse, to be motivated to intimacy. Many of you have lived two decades with your spouse, and you have an identity in which you see them. When they speak to you, you have this identity in which you see that they are this kind of person, maybe you see them as selfish or uncaring or immature, or lacking in empathy, or not understanding the male mind or not understanding the female mind. Every interaction, you bring a focus. So if you have this concept of their identity, no matter what you’re talking about, no matter what you’re doing together, that is your concept of who they are, which means that’s what you’re focusing on. And without even meaning to it is a self fulfilling prophecy. When you have basically a box that you put someone in, then they really don’t have any reason to live outside of that. One gift that my husband has always given me, which has allowed me to grow and change over the years, and I’m a very different woman than I was when we first were together. I mean, he’ll tell, he can tell you that I mean, I was an immature jerk in a lot of ways. And more than that, worse than that, really. But he accepted who I was in the present moment. When I apologized, he forgave me even when I didn’t apologize, he would forgive me in his heart, so that I could be a different person the next day, the next interaction. He has the ability to forgive all of my past actions and accept my present and believe that is who I am.

19:01
So my most reason good is the reputation he gives me. I don’t have to prove myself 100 times for him to think I changed or him to think that it’s permanent. And the truth of the matter is transformation is not a straight line. You have to have some forward movement, some up some down some to the side, some to the back. But always having the vision and faith that you’re changing, you’re getting there. And that’s the same way with your spouse. You want to be rooting for them. You want to be rooting for them always and have the focus on the good that they’re doing. Focus on that glimmer of good in whatever action they’re taking. Give your spouse the grace to change. Let your opinion of your spouse be changeable. Don’t be set on who you decided they are. And they’re always going to be that way. Why is this hard to do? Why is this hard to do because it’s vulnerable. Because what you’re doing, when you give them space to change is you’re letting yourself be vulnerable to getting hurt, that your hope that your faith, they’re different, may be disappointed, because they’re going to go backwards, or they’re going to go to the side or they’re going to hurt you again. You’re stretching yourself to be open to getting wounded once again, or disappointed. But that’s really the only way that someone can change in your heart, or let me take that back. It’s not the only way someone can change someone can like grovel, and, and, you know, be superduper, humble, to change and all that. And sometimes God does do that. I’ve seen that happen. But sometimes a spouse changes because your opinion of your spouse changes and it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. God changes people in different ways. But he doesn’t have to grovel and apologize and repent, and all these, all these things that are really hard for him. He can just start changing and you can acknowledge and accept and trust that it’s permanent, you can do your work to help that change, you don’t have to the price for change doesn’t have to be so high. They don’t have to go back and relive all the horror that they did to you. For you to believe that they are changed. They don’t have to do that. You can just let it be superduper easy for them to change that right now in the present moment. They are different and you accept them in that you’re not Jesus, you don’t require their repentance, you just require yourself to love them. Well, that’s what you require. So how does this happen practically. If you’ve been married for decades, or even just a couple months or a couple years, there are wounds that have happened between the two of you, whether it’s intentional hurts that he or she did to you whether it’s things that were on accident, whether it was just being apathetic to things that really matter to you. What I like to envision is that that’s like, a heavy burden you’re carrying. And maybe there’s pebbles of, you know, just random in in considered seas, that’s not a word. She’s She or he may have been inconsiderate at times. And those are just little pebbles of hurt, but they are legitimate hurts, or maybe rocks, maybe there’s are things that they disrespected you in public or they don’t honor your body. Or maybe it’s boulders where they actually did something specifically, that harmed you in a really intense way. And those are big giant things you’re carrying. So every time you interact with your spouse, you are exhausted by this huge weight of pain that you’re carrying. So you were exhausted. You don’t come to them fresh and excited to love them well, because you’re so burdened by all the negative stuff that they’ve done to you, which are legitimate. These are valid and painful things.

23:39
Don’t I mean they are. But the only way it’s going to get better is for you to be motivated. And for you to have a fresh perspective of your spouse. So what I want to invite you to do is leave those burdens, leave those rocks and boulders and pebbles with Jesus. Give those to him, ask him to help you forgive your spouse for those things. And this needs to be consistent conversation with Jesus. It’s not going to happen one time, but it has to happen in a consistent way. So I want you to get with Jesus and ask Him to help you forgive X, Y, Z ABCDEFG. I mean all of the all of the things that are causing you to be hurt by your spouse or have caused you or still come to mind still paying you. It’s so important to forgive your spouse. wipe the slate clean because I can give you all the tools in the book. All the ideas, all the thoughts, all the encouragement. But if you are not motivated by forgiveness, if you don’t look at your spouse through the eyes of love, empowered by forgiveness that Jesus gives you, then you’re not actually going to be doing the tools or tips or any of that with a whole heart. And so it very well may just undermine your progress, because she’s not going to believe it anyway, or he’s not going to believe it anyway. It has to start with forgiveness, wipe the slate clean for your spouse, and maybe you’ve done this many times do it again, Jesus says we’re not to forgive each other just seven times, but 70 times seven 490 times. We are supposed to be forgiving each other. And it even says in the Bible that we will be forgiven to the same measure that we forgive others. And this is absolutely including your spouse. A lot of times we think we need to forgive everyone else, but our spouse, we get to hold grudges, because that’s going to change them or that’s what’s productive or something, and it’s not. That is the first person we get to forgive. That is the first person that makes us more like Jesus in by forgiving. And that is motivating for them to change. Now, I am definitely a person that encourages boundaries. There’s a great book called boundaries by John Townsend and Henry Cloud. That is the first book I would recommend, if you feel like well, I’m not going to be a doormat, or I shouldn’t be a doormat, or you have a lot of legitimate resentment towards your spouse, absolutely explore that if that’s relevant to you. But even with good boundaries, you have to forgive. So there are good boundaries you need to have Jesus was a very boundary person. He wouldn’t let people walk all over him. That was his responsibility to have good boundaries. But he also had a heart of compassion. And he didn’t allow the pain of what someone did to him. not allow him to love well. So if you think about Peter, you know, one point he told Peter to Get behind Me, Satan. And Peter was also the one that denied him three times, that was painful for Jesus. But it did not cause Jesus to not love him in the way that he needed to be loved. He still allowed Peter to be very important in the kingdom of God, he still loved him, he still forgave him. But it didn’t mean that he was going to let Peter dictate his actions, somehow. He had boundaries. So boundaries are really important. They’re godly, we look more like Jesus when we understand boundaries. But you can have healthy boundaries and forgive your spouse. Give your spouse the grace to transform, even though their transformation is going to be messy. So my action item to you is to write down the things that you are holding against your spouse. And then get some really good worship music on maybe just music that’s just going to be instrumental.

28:39
And ask God go through it. Go through the list, and ask God to help you to forgive your spouse. For all of these things, the same way that Jesus forgives you.

28:53
You get to forgive your spouse. You get to walk more like Jesus when you forgive.

29:02
So once again, I want to invite you to be motivated to change by looking at the sin squarely, whatever it looks like, whatever it is, whether it’s just missing the mark from the calling God has asked of you specifically. Secondly, to have grace with yourself by accepting Jesus forgiveness really, truly have faith and accept His forgiveness. And number three, forgive your spouse. That’s what’s going to motivate you towards intimacy in your marriage. It’s going to motivate you to love your spouse well. And my final invite invitation is when you have gotten to the place of being motivated to love your spouse well because the slate is clean, you forgive yourself you’re excited to change. Then I want to give you some guidance on seduction if you’re a wife so go to www dot delight your marriage.com/tips T IPs. Or if your husband go to delight your marriage.com/seven blocks, number seven BL o CK s. And then I will be sending you an email every now and then. And in fact, some of my students who have graduated or like, can you send out a newsletter so I can just know what you’re learning or thinking about or what books you’re reading or those kinds of things. So, yeah, I want to give you super valuable content in the emails that I send. So I hope that you’ll be interested in Yeah, getting that inspiration in your inbox every now and then. Alright, let me pray for you. Father, I believe that this is one of the first things somebody needs to do in a transformational journey. They need to accept your forgiveness of the sin that they are covered in, like even even our righteousness you say as filthy rags compared to you, um, compared to what we really could be and should be. So we’re all a bunch of filthy rags. But you came, and you did the perfect life. And you died on the cross to forgive us, so that you paid the price. And so God, I asked for this person to have faith, and be able to now be an identity of what you want them to be as a holy set apart son or daughter, one that loves you with all they are. They can live into that identity God because they can have faith, that that’s what they are doing. Once the moment they repent, that is who they are. And that is what they can live into. And Father, I pray for the grace to for them forgive their spouse, the same way that you forgive us. Give them the grace to forgive their spouse and recognize how important that is. Because they can’t have motivation to love their spouse Well, if they don’t forgive them. So I asked for that help for your listeners here. You love them. There is a deep, wide, wonderful, feeling love that you have for them. I pray you’d give them the grace to walk in that. Thank you, Lord. And I pray that You would give these people the motivation to love you and love each other well. Amen. Well, thank you so much for listening. And God bless you and I love you. And I’m praying for you. We’ll talk soon. Bye

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So, I hear you.

And I validate your desire.

I wish wives would understand the importance and privilege she has to love him the WAY HE RECEIVES love.

With that in mind, I want to encourage you, dear husband.

Jesus KNOWS about your high sex drive. In fact, God is responsible for it. It’s very clear in the Bible that He knows and designed you with it.

So, when I am encouraging you in how to view your wife, it’s actually the most PRODUCTIVE thing you can do to bring you both at a better place in intimacy.

It’s not the last step, but it’s the FIRST and has be there BEFORE anything else.

If you want to understand the next 12 steps (literally), you can sign up for a FREE Clarity Call (worth $500!) where you and I will talk about what your SPECIFIC situation is.

You’ll get clarity and great value and as I’m listening and discerning whether or not you’d be the right fit for me to expect amazing transformation in your marriage:

• like a husband who was celibate for several years because his wife shut him out now they’re making generous and enthusiastic love several times every week!
• like a husband who walked on eggshells hoping his wife wouldn’t reject him at night and she hadn’t initiated in 20 years – now she’s the ONLY one initiating and they’re making passionate love on a consistent basis!

If that’s what you’d like to see in your marriage, I’d love to consider your story on a Clarity Call and IF I think you’re the right fit I may invite you to work with me. Go to www.delightyourmarriage.com/call

(Due to capacity, I am only offering this call for husbands at this time though I have some options that may include them if I feel it’s the right fit.)

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. Hey there, welcome. This is belah rose. First off, I want to thank you for being with me. I don’t take it lightly that you spend half an hour with me or 45 minutes, each episode. Sometimes people will email me and they’ll say I just got onto your, your episodes, and I’m binging all of them starting from the beginning. And I just want to say thank you, that is not easy. That takes a lot of time. And I so appreciate when you take the material seriously, and you want to apply it. And I think the other thing I want to say is thank you for spreading the word of the podcast. Some of my social media accounts were disabled. So I think it’s because maybe I was talking about sex too much. Not sure. But truly, from the beginning, I wasn’t on social media, for the first four years of this ministry, public ministry, because I just don’t think this is a public topic. And people weren’t, anyway, very much engaging in social media stuff anyway, because it’s all superduper private, and you don’t want your friends or your co workers that you’re friends with on Facebook to see that you liked something about sex, and I totally get it. So anyway, all that to say is that the fact that you share this bravely with friends or friends of friends, is really a gift to spread this word and to help people grow in this really vital piece of life that nobody’s talking about. But it’s affecting everyone, bar none. It is affecting everyone. So thank you for doing that. Right now. The podcast is last time I checked in in 155 different countries. It’s, it’s it’s grown. And it’s because people like you are brave enough to send it to a friend and be like, hey, what do you think of this podcast? Or what did you think of this episode, or I’d love to get coffee and chat through this one. So thank you for that. Today, I want to talk about something really important. And it’s going to be a significant improvement to your concept of your wife’s sexuality, as well as a concept of your own sexuality. So I have the privilege, and I’m super grateful and honored that I get to work with husbands. And I get to work with them in a couple of team coaching programs, one of which, if you are interested is a pretty intensive program. But people come out from the other side, just transformed, I only work with a husband. And by the end, the wife had never initiated in 20 years by the end, she is the only one initiating and they’re making love in brand new ways. Very passionate, very excited. And that’s that’s not an uncommon story. So I’m super grateful. That’s that’s what happens through these programs. So if you are interested in the program I’m talking about it’s called masculinity reclaimed, be respected, enjoy fierce intimacy and love being married again. So if that’s an interest to you, I am opening up Clarity Calls for you, which is basically a call where we’re going to dive in deep into what’s going on in your marriage. And I’m going to discern whether or not you would be the right fit for this program or something else, or another program that would be more inclusive with your wife, but separate trainings. So I have several options, if you would be the right fit, but I really have to dig deep into your story to find out if you would be because I don’t think everyone’s the right fit. Not everyone’s ready for transformation. Not everyone is at a spot or just in their, their situation that they that I could expect giant things for them, and transformation. So I like to dive deep and it takes a little while. But specifically, I’m opening up these free Clarity Calls. It’s a $500 value because I really spend the time it’s 40 minutes, and we dive deep. We really figure out what’s going on and you get clarity on the issues. But the catch is at the end, if I feel like you’re the right fit. I’ll invite you to a program potentially, if you’re not you’ve got tons of free value and you’ve got next steps based on what what’s what’s the next right thing for you guys. So

4:56
excuse me, you can go to delight your marriage.com/ Call ca LL, I’m only accepting men right now I don’t have capacity for, for women in my programs at this point, that may change. But at this point, I invite just the men to sign up. So let’s dive into this topic. I think this is huge. And I think if you are attentive, this can be a hugely beneficial insight and impact into your marriage. So this is directed to high drive men. And I’ll tell you, the men that are attracted to my work are generally HYDrive, they generally could make love every day, maybe multiple times a day, that would be ideal for them. Or maybe they wish they could make love multiple times a day, but in full reality every other day is probably their max. But the point is, that’s the drive, that’s the desire for sex is high. And I don’t fault you for this at all. In fact, I think it is a God given desire. It’s a very good gift that he has given you to have a high desire. And of course, there’s going to be some women listening, because this is a public podcast. And I hope you understand that your husband’s drive is God given? It is God given and for men, for those of you that have suffered in your marriage, for you to say, and accept that God gave you this gift of a HYDrive. But what do you do with it? What do you do with it, if your wife is rejecting is not interested, is tired? His board thinks that the duty gives you pity sex? What do you do, if that’s what your wife that’s where her mind is, she’s too busy to worry with you. You fall at the bottom of her to do list, right, quote, unquote, you don’t want to be on her to do list anyway, you want it to be a natural desire for her. So that’s where you are. I want to invite you to consider that God is with you in your intimacy, and he cares about it. He cares about your intimacy. That might be surprising. Because maybe you have thought that this is something you’ve got to just deal with. And white knuckle your way through, not being tempted by pornography or by the advertisements, or by the movies or by the this or that. God knows what’s going on. He set this world up for your desire for your wife’s intimacy. He knows it. And he created you that way. So for example, Abraham, when God said when God told Abraham to consecrate himself, and his whole household means all the servants, all his kids, all, all the men that he had to deal with, like everyone in his household, needed to be consecrated to God. What they had to consecrate was their member was their sex life. AKA, their sex was consecrated the fact that they, they might never have had pleasure again, they may never have been able to use that thing again. I mean, that’s what was at stake. No one had been circumcised before then there was no way to know whether the pain was going to end and eventually you could have pleasure again, even being circumcised. The reason God asked for that is because he knew that it was the most important thing to these men. He knew it was most important for them. Jesus talks about if a man is not using his member in marriage, he’s like a unike. It’s a I believe, Matthew 19. And that’s Jesus talking. And some people can be Unix for the glory of God and they should be that’s what he says. But some people can’t accept this gift. It’s like the gift is of singleness. Like you have to have a gift as a man to be single.

9:46
And we in our society, don’t honor that gift as we should. That is a gift. A man is not a man, because he can have sex all the time. That’s not what defines him as a man His gift if he can withhold for the kingdom of God. But if he is married, that was not the grace God gave him. And so sex is part of his makeup. And frequency is part of his makeup. And his desire for generous visuals from his wife is part of his makeup. You know, one of the most popular episodes I’ve produced is episode 199. The three things that he craves in intimacy, it’s a title, something like that are the three things he wants an intimacy. And I’m, excuse me that that’s so important for us wives to understand about our husbands. But it’s also important for men to know it’s legitimate, like God made you that way. And that’s okay. And that’s good, and it’s not sinful. So I want to start off by just giving you a little bit of empathy, as a woman to say, It’s okay what your desire is, and it’s good. And God wants that to be part of who you are. So here’s the thing, men have a good desire. They just have a bad strategy for how to bring their wife into this understanding. It’s just a bad strategy. A lot of times they’ll send her podcasts or Senator books or Senator this or senator that or they’ll speak openly and honestly, to her about his desire. And so then she feels pressured, and she feels high expectations. And she feels like he can’t be satisfied because even what she does for him isn’t enough. And then she’s got her boatload of insecurities that she brings to the bedroom, which are totally valid. And that’s the way the enemy lies to her about their sex life so that she feels this barrier this wall between them because she’s super insecure about her own stuff. And then he’s talking all these like, I’m unsatisfied. And explanations about that. And so it’s like, okay, well forget it, you won’t be satisfied I, I don’t have what it you know, I’m not going to just keep going, you’ll never be satisfied. So basically, we’re at a spot where it’s important for a husband to understand that his wife is very different than he is, in all sorts of ways from, from her, from her voice, to her body shape, to the way she thinks about sex. God did not make her like you. And that is a good thing. That is a good thing. Here’s why it’s a good thing. Let me just explain. I really believe that a man has to become more like Jesus in character, for a wife, to feel filled up through intimacy or even want intimacy. He has got to exhibit the character of Jesus. And what does that mean? He’s got to be a person that slows his life down, to be empathetic, to be a good listener. To be a man of love, and joy, and peace and patience, and goodness, and kindness, gentleness, and self control. It says in the Bible, you will know them by their fruits. You will not know someone by their convictions, and they’re even prophetic giftings it’s you will know them by their fruits. By their fruits, we should be judging everyone, by their fruits, not on any other

14:46
thing. And of course, there’s a lot more to be said about let’s not, Judge not lest ye be judged, but there’s an aspect of we’ve got to be careful of wolves in sheep’s clothing. Right, so we have to judge Well, we have to be wise as serpents, but gentle as doves, you need to be testing the spirits you need to be questioning is this person, man or woman, this leader, this pastor, this, this person were following in any capacity, whether it’s your husband or anywhere else, or it’s yourself looking in the mirror, do they have the fruits of Jesus, because it doesn’t matter what they’re saying, if the fruits of the Holy Spirit are not in them, because it says, Not everyone who says to Me, Lord, Lord will come into the kingdom of heaven, they can prophesy my name, they can cast out demons of my name, they can give all their stuff to the poor in my name. And yet, they are not of Me, they haven’t done the will of my Father. You have to be a person of the fruit of Jesus, which again is love, and joy, and peace, and patience, and goodness, and kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control. So you gentlemen, have the gift of a wife, who responds to the fruits of Jesus, the fruits of the Holy Spirit. She wants to make love to a man that exhibits the fruits of the Holy Spirit. I’m serious. I’m serious. Have you ever heard people say, or women say, Oh, he’s so good with kids. He’s so sexy. It rolls off the tongue. It’s like the same phrase, he’s good with kids. He’s so sexy. What does that mean? When you’re good with kids, you are exhibiting the fruits of the Spirit, you are gentle, you’re patient, you’re kind, you’re self control, like that is the man that’s good with kids you’re loving, you’re joyful, you’re peaceful, like that, is sexy. That’s what a wife is craving from her husband. So it is a limit on you, that if you are not exhibiting the fruits of the spirit, your wife does not want to make love to you. So it is a gift. And it is a limit for God to give you that limit of like, Listen, buddy, you’re out of line here in your fruits. And that’s why she doesn’t want make left to you in a generous, open way. So a lot of men. Think about that verse that says, Your body’s not your own, but it’s your spouse and kind of like the husband owns the wife’s body and the wife owns the husband’s body. That’s great. I get it. I agree. Make love because you’re married. Good. Now in reality, your feeling of entitlements to her sexuality is undermining her wholehearted sexual desire for you. So just like anything that I say in my podcast, if it’s directed to a husband or a wife, either of them could listen to it and be like, You should do this because that’s what belah said. And but let’s say I’m talking to a husband, and then the wife uses as a as a tool to be like, see data data and but it was directed to a husband to encourage him and maybe can victim maybe edify him. But if the wife uses it almost as a weapon against her husband, it’s it’s not going to be helpful. So in the same way, if I’m talking to a wife and the husband’s like, see, you know, all my thoughts about intimacy are valid. See what Bella saying blah, blah, blah. It’s just used as a weapon and it’s not going to be helpful. So that verse, though true, if you use it as a weapon,

19:38
it’s basically inviting your wife to look at it and be like, okay, so how can I use my body in a way that honors my husband’s desire for it in the same way with the husband, but it’s not something that you as a husband can wield over your wife and be like, see? I’m supposed to have ownership of your body So get over here and do me. Like that’s not. It’s not attractive, it’s going to make her angry and hurt.

20:10
Because here’s the biggest question I wrote down for you. Do you want a passionate wife? Or a resentful robot? Do you want a passionate wife or a resentful robot? Because the way you expect her the way you think, well, she just had sex, I wouldn’t be angry all the time.

20:49
Wouldn’t be crabby, if she does was passionate. It’s like, well, listen, buddy. If you want to pressure her and force her, then she very well may have sex with you. But she’ll do it with resentment in her heart. And she’ll do it feeling like she’s being used and even abused, and it feels like you don’t care about her. But if your opinion of it is not entitlement, but low expectations and appreciation of everything she does, that she feels like she can satisfy you. And she can hold her head up high and feel like she is enough for her husband.

21:41
And you lower your expectations. But unless you’re hurt, listen. It has to be your heart that is changed. It has to be your heart that has changed. Yes, I can give you all the tools and the the words to say and all these things, because that’s practical stuff, you need that Yes.

22:09
But if it’s not your hearts, your true convictions are going to come out. Eventually you will get frustrated. And say the thing that’s going to undermine all the progress, I’ve seen it way too many times. So you have to do is submit your sexuality to God’s leadership to his rule. Your wife is not a robot. And if you force her to have sex with you, she will not be able to be a passionate wife. If you push her, you prod her, you guilt her, you complain to her, you criticize her, you critique her, that will push her away from a true desire to have sex with you. All of it, all of that will push her away. Your desire for sex is good. Your strategy is to be like the man Christ wants you to be. I love this phrase. Aristotle said it but I tweaked it a bit. Aristotle says you are what you continually do. Excellence then is not an act, but a habit. So my tweak of that is you are what you continually do. Character then, is not an act, but a habit. I’ll say it again. You are what you continually do. Character then is not an act, but a habit. So whether or not you are exhibiting the fruits of the Spirit, whether you are truly following Jesus, right, because you will know them by their fruits. Like that’s what shows us is your character. If you are exhibiting that with your wife, I mean that is who you are. Your character is every action you take with your spouse, that is your character. Your character doesn’t begin when you put on the nice button up shirt and you go to work or you go to church, or you’re serving quote unquote, in whatever ministry, etc, etc. I don’t want to demean what you’re doing but I do want to say that literally. So many people compartmentalize their life and act like their marriage is the place that gets the gets the crumbs, not just the crumbs, but gets the worst of their character, gets the frustration gets the anger gets the roof, all that stuff and it’s like why it’s there. This is the place that it should be the best you should be serving the best, you should be loving the best and your marriage, your your fruits of the Spirit should be of highest value in your marriage, in your

25:11
relationship with your wife. So you’ve got to treat your wife like a woman,

25:24
like a woman, she is not like you. You’ve got to treat her like a woman. And men and women are not the same. When it comes to sex. They’re not the same.

25:43
They think about it very differently. So I want to invite you excuse me, I want to invite you to consider that

26:03
you have been given an opportunity that every time you have a desire for sex, which, for HYDrive minute Imen, it’s many times a day, you have an opportunity to draw closer to Jesus, and that is productive. Don’t draw away from your wife continue to give her the affection and the love she desires and continue to be a man that loves intimacy. How do you do both of those? Well, I have lots of more teaching to give you you’re welcome to sign up for a clarity call if this is resonating with you, and you want that extremely generous, intimate, loving bond between you and your wife, again, or maybe it never was there. But listen, it’s it’s got to start with you. It’s got to start with you. I’ll read you an email that came in the other day that the gentleman gave me the permission to read. But I was really encouraged because his story is a bit. Well, he and his wife hadn’t made love for several years before they came to me. And he said I wanted to take time out and touch base with you since last talking to you and give you an update on things between my wife and I, she’s aware I’m sending you this email in case you wondered. We’ve decided to take a break from fighting all the time and become an awesome married couple again. So he said sorry, I couldn’t resist things are going really, really well. And we were both really happy with our progress together. And here are some deets. First and foremost, we are both really happy to be around each other again, I can’t say that was always the case. But I’d prefer to be in her presence over anyone else on Earth. And I’m pretty sure she feels the same way. A lot of that has to do with the changes we’ve both made with your guidance last year. I won’t say it’s been easy to stop doing the things I’ve always done in the past. But the reward of a better marriage is worth the work. It will be a continual effort for me. But it gets easier over time. And my wife is not afraid to tell me when I’ve overstepped my boundaries. Since I’ve given more her more space and worked on not second guessing her, she has become a much more confident person as well. And that alone tells me everything I need to know. Okay, I’ll get to the part you really want to know about our intimacy. Honestly, it is better than I expected. While we were working with you I have expected my wife was going along with things like maybe even just, or I added this part. But he said, like completing an assignment. Well, since finishing, I realized that it’s not the case, I know she’s enjoying our intimate times together because she tells me she is exclamation point. There’s never a feeling of let’s get this over with or guilt for asking. We are generally intimate a couple of times a week. I never thought I’d say those words exclamation point. It has been fantastic. She’s open and engaged the complete opposite from before. We’ve had some really intense conversations about our intimacy, and she’s never shut down while talking. She’s not afraid to express her opinion on things. And she’s told me she’s really comfortable with the intimacy we’re having, both in frequency and what we’re doing. She’s even been stretching herself on a personal level. I recognize it and I’m always quick to compliment and thank her for whatever she does. He gave me a couple more insights that I’m not going to go into. But then he says anyway, all in all things are really good. I thought you should know since you were instrumental in getting us pointed in the right direction, we both agreed that while the cost was steep, it kept our feet to the fire to change and ultimately looks to be our best investment together. It’s really a small price for the potential of decades of happily being together. Thank you again, for your help. If you ever need anything from us, don’t hesitate to reach out, I’ll probably probably drop you another line down the road to keep you in the loop on how things are with much gratitude, husband and wife.

30:26
So I am honored and grateful. And I did ask him if it was okay to share that. And he was it was very open to that. And honestly, God is so kind and so good. And there is absolute transformation that is possible in your marriage. What I have shared in this podcast is required for your wife to want intimacy, if you keep the pressure, and that direct approach, the way you approach everything else in life of, you know, this is what to expect. This is where we’re going. I mean, I work with a lot of ambitious men, and they’re super duper successful in their lives. But why it doesn’t work in their bedroom, is because they’re not dealing with. They’re dealing with a completely different dynamic, a completely different situation. They are not their wife’s coach, they’re not her teacher, they are not her guide, if you will, there, the husband, the one that loves her, the one that cherishes and honors and protects her. That’s required for her to desire intimacy, and she can desire intimacy, I don’t care who your wife is, she can desire intimacy, but it’s up to you as a man to change to be the leader of your marriage. Don’t think it’s all on her, like, I’ll just be a better guy, if she starts having sex with me passionately, it’s up to her to do that. Like, all of us, you know, if you’re a wife, you it’s up to you to change, like, that’s fine, because that’s the most empowering message I can give you. And I think all of us can do dramatic things in our marriage to change it. But if you are a husband, listening, don’t give up your power to change your marriage. You can change it. Let me pray for you, Father, you love this guy. You love him, he is your son. And you know him, you know the depth of his desire for intimacy with his wife, you gave that to him. And you know, the the intense temptations that are around every day, all the time. And you know, if he’s even struggling with that, and he has given in, I pray in Jesus name for the grace to rise higher, to recognize that he has a responsibility to play here. It is not on his wife’s shoulders, for him to have a good character. But God that will actually change things. It is the first step it is not the only step. But it is the first step it is required for transformation between the two of them. So Father, I asked for a heart change, you are the God that changes Hearts of Stone to hearts of flesh. Lord, My words are weak. But you guys can use them. You can use this podcast to change this man in the way that you want him to go. I’ve worked with women. And I have grieved over the challenge that I just wish I could have worked with the husband to if only then they would have had the marriage that they’re seeking. Lord, let him have the responsibility of changing him self in your image, that he would exhibit the fruits of the Spirit, he would elevate those above every other thing. He needs to be the man that you asked him to be when you wanted. When you said follow me become a disciple a disciplined follower of me. Let him be the one that exhibits Jesus. We love you. We praise You. We thank you. I know you’re doing things, and you will. Amen. Thank you so much for spending the time with me. Thank you for having an open heart and being willing to have seeds of the word. Go in your soil in your heart. And I just pray that the nuggets you needed to hear would stay with you long after this episode. And it would transform your marriage In Jesus name. Thank you again for listening. I look forward to talking to you next week.

35:06
Bye

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

You may have an inkling, but I bet you’ll be surprised by my guest Sharon Jaynes (sharonjaynes.com) and the interesting topics we dig into to help others understand in what ways the Song of Solomon was speaking about intimacy between husband and wife.

(Hint hint, they’re not talking about the farmer’s market).

Sharon Jaynes has authored over 20 books and is passionate about women walking confidently and freely in their God-given calling. She loves marriages and seeks for women to be free in intimacy as well as love their husband through prayer. Sharon and I had a lot of fun talking about how the Bible specifically gives us the green-light to do far more in sex than most Christians realize. Listen in!

Be sure to get Sharon’s new book: Lovestruck: Discovering God’s Design for Romance, Marriage, and Sexual Intimacy from the Song of Solomon to find out even more!

—

A couple of free resources I mentioned on the podcast that I’d love to offer you:

• delightyourmarriage.com/present – for wives the 8 secrets to stay present in intimacy
• delightyourmarriage.com/7blocks – for husbands to understand the 7 reasons she is blocked from having a higher drive

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. Hi there, I hope you’re doing well. This is belah rose. Thanks for joining. So, I have a really great show for you, I’ve got an interview with a woman who really dives into the Bible and what it says about intimacy in that beautiful book, The Song of Solomon, so I’m excited to talk to share in jeans. And before we dive in, if you are a wife, I have a free something for you. I would love to give you my eight secrets to stay present in intimacy. If you’re anything like me, there are times that despite your best efforts, your mind wanders away, away in the midst of the act. And so these are some really easy tips to stay present and kind of bring back to you actually enjoying and having a good time. And then if you’re a husband, who’s listening, I have something for you as well that you can get the PDF for the seven blocks to her libido to really figure out what’s what’s stopping her. So if you’re a husband, you go to www dot delight your marriage.com/seven blocks BL o CK s. So it’s just the number seven and blocks. And if you’re a wife who wants the eight secrets to staying present, go to www dot delight your marriage.com/present pr e s e n t

2:02
Awesome. Well, welcome back to like your marriage listener. This is belah rose. And I am so excited because I have Sharon Jane’s on Welcome, Sharon.

2:11
Thank you. Thank you for having me.

2:13
Oh, you’re so welcome. And I’m so yeah, so we’re going to be talking about not only are you an author of your new book, lovestruck. But you’re also an author of many other books. And it sounds like you know, I want to give you an opportunity to introduce yourself, but what is basically your your major passion here. And, and yeah, a little bit of introduction.

2:36
Well, thanks. Well, this love strat was book number 24, I think, oh my gosh, yeah. And it’s kind of it’s it was a different book to write my, I think my biggest passion and working with women is helping them understand their identity in Christ, learning how to live fully and free and understand their true identity as a child of God and leaving the past behind. So a couple of my titles are enough silence in the loss is still your confidence. So again, that’s big on identity. Another one is take hold of the faith you longed for with let go move forward, lift, bold, so you can get this kind of suit that theme of letting go of everything that holds us back and moving forward to everything that God has for us. But I also have a passion for marriage. So it’s kind of like two different compartments there. And with marriage, I’ve written praying for your husband from head to toe. So I’m learning how to pray scripture that covers him from what he thinks about to the places he walks. So the 14 day romance challenge was just a little book on how to kind of stoke that fire again. And then another one on marriage is called becoming the woman of his dreams. And that was that that’s kind of an older book. But lovestruck is the newest marriage book. So I love talking about marriage. And I love studying the Bible. So those things got married. Writing, lovestruck Oh, that’s

4:04
so exciting. So excited. So really focused on women feeling fully living fully and free. And I love that because obviously on the delight your marriage podcast, we talked so often about intimacy in marriage, and freedom and intimacy. And I think that would be really interesting to hear. Maybe your journey in that area, or how you help women in becoming free in intimacy given that they can rely on the Bible for that freedom,

4:39
right? If you knew that was in the Bible, right. The cool thing about the Song of Solomon is that we’ve got these marriage verses are kind of sprinkled throughout the Bible, you know, a lot of them in the New Testament, but the Song of Solomon is eight chapters that are just concentrated on marriage and a lot most of that own sexual MMC so we’ve got that one nugget of gold right there. But the problem is most of us don’t even know what in the world he’s talking about. I mean, what’s this with the palm tree, you know, really important isn’t anything to do with it, so that we’re gonna get into that. So that’s about digging into what the Scriptures really saying. But for my own life, I’m balustrade raised in a really rough home environment. My parents fought all the time, they argued all the time, there was a lot of violence in my home where my dad would get drunk and hit my mom, she’d hit him back. And so that’s what I grow up seeing the marriage in my home. And what’s so amazing about that this is not in the book, but I was helping, I was looking for a pin and one of my mom’s junk drawers. And I came across this little records. And back in back in the day, during the Korean War, and even World War Two, they soldiers would make these little records that they would send home. And I found this little record from the Korean War that my dad had sent my mom. And I pulled it out. And I listened to that. And it was, it was the first year of marriage, he was off at war. And he was saying how much you loved her and he missed her and her his voice was cracking because there was so much emotion in it. And I held that thing. And I thought how in the world did this happen? How did a marriage that started out like this with the man overwhelmed with emotion? For love for this woman? How did it turn out to be what I ended up growing up with? To being such awful marriage with with, like I said, the violets now on there was my dad was into pornography and just saying things that kids should never see. How did that marriage become that? So I had, I had that to look at. Also, I had my husband’s parents to look at now. They they were married 65 years, I think. And he’s had the most precious loving marriage. And back to the war time. After they both passed away some things we got rid of some wood just put in my attic and said, Well, I’ll deal with it later. And one of the things I pulled out right before right, lovestruck was a box of letters that Mr. James had written to his girlfriend who became his wife, two and a half years worth of love letters.

7:25
Oh my God, that’s precious. I mean,

7:28
I ended up taking all those letters. And my other sister in law worked with me, and we made them into books. So it’s just volumes. They’re about as big as the New York City telephone book, but to buy if I wanted to have all these letters that he wrote to her and it, it’s a little bit of history, and it’s a glimpse into wartime. But it also just shows that love that he had, and they were 19. So think about a 19 year old writing these letters, and then getting married. But I thought those two examples there. And plus a came this is a whole nother story for a whole nother day. But I became a Christian to a woman in my neighborhood when I was 14. And both of my parents ended up coming to Christ. But that’s what not what I grew up with. And I did get to see what a Christian marriage looked like when I was a teenager, saying this other family who just really loved the Lord. So anyways, when I got married, I’ve learned to make sure that I had a good marriage. Yeah. And I remember sitting in the Brad group, the Brad remember the Brad room if you had a traditional marriage where you sit before you go, and I was remember thinking about how happy I was, and other people I love are in one place. And I just love Steve man of my dreams. You know, what a wonderful man, all that. And then I had this terrible thought. And I thought, well, doesn’t every bride feel that way on her wedding day? I mean, who goes into a wedding thinking, Boy, I hope this works out. You know, you just don’t have that thought. So I thought what’s what’s the difference between how I feel right now, and how almost every bride feels. And I made a decision that at that moment, I was going to do everything I could to have a great marriage. But Bella, I found out it didn’t take too long, that I don’t have it within my power to have a great marriage. I mean, I can do the steps and do what I need to do. But I need God to help me do that. Yeah, that’s where I became a woman of prayer, who learned how to pray for her husband and her marriage. And that’s kind of where praying for your husband from head to toe for that book kind of was birth, after 37 years of praying for my husband that way and helping other women pray. But part of the reason that what I see in marriages, the whole sexual part of marriage is in trouble. Yeah, it just is. And and, you know, when I first started writing the book, I honestly had in mind, the person who had been married for a while that, you know, he just kind of fizzled out. But as I started writing the book and And as I started interviewing people and talking to more young people, it’s a problem with people who haven’t been married very long at all. Yeah, so it’s just a problem across the board. A lot of it is because of what what people are saying on television. And in the movies, they’ve got a certain expectation of what sex is going to be like. Another reason is that, so many people are coming into marriages already have haven’t sex a lot with different people, or they have already had sex with the person they’re married, marrying. So that changes the dynamic of what they’re taking into marriage. So, you know, often say that sex is a gift from God, that can so easily be turned into baggage. It just depends on when and how you open the box. So what I see is, sex has become baggage. For some people coming into marriage. I remember being on an airplane and there was this guy, I guess he was about 25, sitting beside me on the plane moving the back row, the last seat in the corner. And so he was so polite, and just love to chat and, and he said, What do you do? And I said, Well, I’m an author. And he said, Then he said, What are you working on? And so you know, I just, I know what turned beet red. And I said, took a deep breath and said, well, actually, I’m writing a book, I’m on sex, based on the Song of Solomon, from the Bible. And it didn’t bother him at all. He said, I’m so glad you’re writing about that. My generation is so confused about sex, that the term our friends get married, they’ve already had sex so much, it’s lost, its meaning it doesn’t have the specialness. We need someone to tell us how to do it, right. And I’m like, oh, that’s bluffing at that response. But it’s awesome. But you know, that’s a young person here. And so it’s just a problem across the board. I mean, pornography. The industry in the pornography industry makes more money per year than the NFL, the NBA, and the Basketball League have it together. So that in itself is one problem.

12:21
Yeah, no, it’s true. It’s huge. So let’s dive into that the Song of Solomon, um, here’s what I’m imagining in my head. A woman who’s married, who believes that, you know, she, she’s got her Bible disciplines, she’s got her, her prayer discipline, she’s got, you know, she’s a wonderful mother, and she’s very active in church, and she’s very active in lots of different activities. That’s who I want to imagine. And I want to imagine talking to her about what is in the Bible about sex. Okay, specifically Song of Solomon, can you like, dial in on the verses, and I would

13:10
be happy to jump in. One thing I want to say is, we can start in Genesis with that. Because if I want, I want us to imagine that we are an angel, maybe watching God, create man, and watching God create woman. Now, if you think about all that God put into both man and woman, for the pleasure of sex, that has nothing to do with creating a baby, nothing to do with it. I mean, you know what I’m saying? I don’t want to get I mean, you know, I’m not gonna go and say the words. But you know, there’s, there’s the saying the egg, that’s all you need to create a baby. But think about the physiology of what God put in both man and woman so that sex is enjoyable. Okay, that right there tells you that this is something holy, that God created for a reason. So this is God, this is all God’s idea. And it was his gift to a husband and a wife. Now with almost every gift, He’s given us the world of flesh, the devil has corrupted it, but go back and put yourself in the garden when God is creating it, and then even go this far to think about God explaining to the angels how all that works, huh? Isn’t that a cool picture? You know, this is something that’s God ordained. It’s nothing dirty about it. This is God’s gift to us. So let’s go over to the Song of Solomon. Now, I want to I want to talk about the elephant in the room. Before we hit this, because I know somebody is thinking already. Hey, wait a minute. In Solomon, the guy that had all those wives and concubines so What’s the deal with that? Well, yes, he is. No, we’re not absolutely sure that Solomon wrote the book, I think I think he did. But here’s the thing. God made sure that this book was in the Bible, regardless of how Solomon turned out. And he started out well, he did not finish well. Right? There are a lot of strong people of God that we know, have experienced the same thing. But they start well, and they don’t end well. And think about that, that even the wisest man of the Bible, the Bible says that, why is this man in the Bible did not end well. So we need to just keep that in check for ourselves. But regardless of what he did,

15:39
and in my ad, the power of sex was the thing that brought him away. That’s what made him stray was women and their gods, the power of sex is that powerful for your husband?

15:53
It is that powerful. Now some of those women, he required, this is kind of a sad note, but some of those women he acquired because of making treaties with other nations. So he might not have known who those women were, hey, equator, every time he would make a treaty with a nation, they would give him a wife, you know, give him one of their daughters, that kind of thing. But with, with all those different people, you know that that was going on. But regardless of that, God made sure that this book was in the Bible for a reason. You know, marriage is very important to get it started. The Bible starts with marriage is with marriage. It’s the marriage of Jesus Christ and the church, Jesus first miracle, or was it at a wedding. So then right in the middle of the Bible, you’ve got this one, eight chapters on the relationship between a man and a woman. Now the first two chapters of the Song of Solomon, I call those the dating phase. This is where and listen to this bell. This is so cool. But first of all the words that says Song of Songs, or the Song of Solomon depends on which translation, but Song of Songs is like saying, the King of kings or Lord of lords. When we say the King of kings, or Lord of lords, what that means in the Bible is, he is the King of all kings. He is the Lord of all words. So when we say the Song of Songs, this is like, this is the best song of all. husband and a wife. So there’s that. And it begins with the woman saying, kiss me and kiss me again. Or some verses say, kiss me with the kisses of your mouth. So there’s no warm up. It’s just a woman who is expressing that. So that is another thing that’s really cool about the song Assam, it’s really about the woman more than it is the man. So she is very excited. We don’t know when she met him, I would think most likely she was working in the fields with her brothers. This is what we’ve learned later on working in the fields with her brothers, and land, that was what we would call rented from the King. So they’ve got their land, they’re working, somehow they meet each other, maybe he’s looking over the land or whatever. And she just falls head over heels for him. But the cool thing is, he falls head over heels for her to so in the conversation that we see going back and forth forth. In chapter one. They’re just admiring each other and she’s admiring his body. He’s admiring her body. She does say that his name is like oil poured out, which is like saying, I’m talking about his name is more like his character. And she’s talking about his character as well. And no wonder the other women love you. But But she does compliment his body. And he complements her. And that’s one of the end it sounds like they might be getting together a little bit more romantically than they really are. Some of it is them thinking about it. They’re dreaming about it. And let me ask you this, before you got married before you were with your husband, and that way, did you not think about it? Yeah. I thought about it. A lot. No, the thing is, little fun fact, Steve and I only dated three and a half months before we got engaged, or that we we got married six months later, and that was 39 years ago. So just saying but but I did think about it. You know, I couldn’t wait for that to happen. And we see that going on in the first two chapters. They are both thinking about it. There’s a lot of comparison Bella in the Song of Solomon. With with fruit and produce. There’s talks about pomegranates that your cheeks are like pomegranates, and now pomegranates back in that culture was a fruit for infertility. If you think not just the Hebrew culture, but in the Egyptian culture, it was just kind of a cultural thing, period. It has a lot of seeds in it. And that’s they compare pomegranates to fertility and to love you can even look into some old Egyptian art work, and you can see them handing someone a pomegranate, or Mandrake, that is another aphrodisiac kind of plant. You could get back and read and remember, when there was Leah and Rachel, Rachel couldn’t have children and, and, um, Leah was and Rachel asks Leah for her mandrakes. So what she was asking for whatever you got, give me that. That so anyway, anytime you read about fruit, and the Song of Solomon, it is referring to something sexual,

20:54
even palm trees. You know, it’s so funny going back and reading some of the old ancient scholars when I was doing this study, they were really uncomfortable with talking about the sign of Solomon from a literal perspective, they were much more comfortable talking about the Song of Solomon as an allegory of Christ in the church. You can you can look for Christ. In every book of the Bible, he is in every book of the Bible, and certainly we can read it that way. But I don’t think that’s what God that’s not the original talent. For example, there’s one verse after they are married, where the man says to the woman, and I refer to her as the Shulamite says to her, your stature is like a palm tree, your breasts are like fruit, I will cop climb that palm tree and take hold of this fruit. Now that is allegorical. Even one of the guests said that he thought that the pomp that the palms, the breasts, were referring to the older New Testament. And like, really well, first of all, New Testaments not written yet. And he is not talking about taking hold of the old New Testament, he’s talking about taking home press says.

22:18
I have to add here because I think sex is so deep, and so much, there’s a reason our society is so obsessed with it, that I think God has so much more mystery around. So I think there’s just, we could probably go on for hours. A day is going back and forth about the depth and the neat things that God and how there’s metaphors and all sorts of things, kind of like you said, in every book of the Bible. And in all of creation, we can see, you know, God’s glory and His goodness. So I don’t want to take that and say that it’s not possibly, you know, because God is bigger than our perceptions of any of these things. But I do love that you’re saying this is also definitely talking about sex? We are not. There’s no

23:11
Yeah, I was on a doing a radio program with family life. And I’m someone there mentioned that they went out in grid that verse they did a man on the street video and read that verse to people on the street. So where do you think that comes from? And they were like, the book, Twilight, or, you know, that that was in the Bible. You know, I know our time is short. And I want to I want to bring up one thing that I think is so important in the Song of Solomon. In chapter two, the man, he’s bouncing over the hills that he’s, he’s going to where she is, he wants to see her. And he wants to have a conversation with her. And she’s hiding behind the cliffs of the rock and, and say she’s been talking about all this for two chapters. And now all of a sudden, she’s getting shy. Some people think this is maybe when he proposed, it doesn’t really tell us that in scripture. But one thing he says Solomon says, he says, catch for us the little foxes, no little foxes or anything. These were people who, who had vineyards, and Little Foxes could come in and eat the fruit and ruin a crop. And they particularly like the young grapes. So when he’s praying catch for us, the little foxes that can come in and ruin the vineyard. First of all, who was he talking to? He’s saying catch for us. So I think he’s praying. He’s not talking to her. He’s not talking about himself. He’s I think he’s praying and asking God to show us anything that could come in and destroy the preciousness, the holiness, the the wonderful aspects of our marriage. That is what he prays that as we move along, in chapters three and four, we see that they do get married. It’s a wonderful, wonderful procession. And we see that God’s in it as the smoke is coming at the beginning, which is a representation of God going before them. They get married mother loves it, his mother makes them a crown special crown for the wedding day. And then the next chapter, they have the honeymoon. And God allows us to stand on tip toe, and to watch or listen to what’s going on. I mean, you’re going to read and you’re going to see it up the honeymoon and how one thing she says about herself. She says, I’m the Rose of Sharon in chapter two. And it sounds like she might be thinking well of herself. But the Rose of Sharon was a common Desert Flower and like a dandelion we would consider, and she felt badly about her parents. She didn’t think she was pretty she thought she was ready Burnt by the Sun. So what a Solomon do on the honeymoon night, he praises her appearance from head to toe. So one thing I say is he touches her with his words before he touches her with his hands. And they have a wonderful honeymoon. Absolutely amazing. Next chapter, he comes knocking many times the king wouldn’t live in the same have the same bedroom comes knocking at her door. And she says no thanks, not interested. And she doesn’t go when he comes to knock on the door. Okay, let’s get back catch for us a little foxes, anything that can destroy our marriage. Then we get into the middle of the book after the honeymoon after the passionate night. She’s just not interested anymore. Her her passion cools, and he leaves. She ends up her friends. There’s three characters. There’s the man, the woman in the France, I call them the backup singers. Her friends say to her, Hey, what do you love about that guy in the first place? Tell me about what you love to better remember. And I say remember return. She remembers she goes to him. They make up. They have makeup six, just saying. And they’re back there again. Okay. Can’t trust the little foxes, the little fox, I think then the one of the biggest little foxes in marriage is apathy. And that can be sexual, it can be in a lot of different areas of our life. Being apathetic towards your husband, I think is one of the things that can destroy marriage. And then finally, at the very end of the book, she goes seeking for him. He said, he’s at work in the field. And she goes seeking him and she says couple of ways. Let’s get away for a while. Let’s go to the villages like we used to. She said, I’ll give you that old fruit that you have always loved, not the farmer’s market.

27:33
I’ve got some other tricks up my sleeve. Really. That’s what it says read your bibles exciting. That is in chapter seven. So I want to I want to kind of close out with that thought that that is one of the major themes that we see is that he prayed catch first a little foxes, be careful, anything that can destroy your marriage. In the middle of book after the honeymoon, we see that Fox of apathy coming in and destroy it. And then at the end of the book, she shows us how to avoid that by being intentional. We have to be so intentional with our marriages and belah. I know you tell people that all the time. We cannot expect to just have a good marriage on its own. It doesn’t matter if you’re both Christians. I don’t I take that back. It does matter if you’re both Crusher, have two Christians that do not have a great marriage. They can kind of settle into an apathetic state of well, this is what I got. So I’m gonna stick with it. That’s not God’s intention, either. Yes, he wants to stick with it, but he don’t want to, he doesn’t want us to just get through it. He wants us to celebrate our marriages and have that 65th anniversary like my in laws do and, and make sure it’s the best that it can be.

28:47
Oh, I love it. I love it. This is exciting. Well, clearly Sharon, you have got so much more wisdom and insight into this book, then we could clearly capture this conversation. So I’m excited to you know, to to point everyone to love struck. And that’s on Amazon and they can find it there or

29:10
they can find it on Amazon CBD. My website is Sharon Jane’s dot com and Jane’s it’s kind of a strange name. It’s J A y n e s Sharon Jane’s dot com. Also have a Companion Bible study guide. And that’s on Amazon as well as my website to those are the only two places where you can get the Bible Study Guide is my website and Amazon, but it’s a great book for brave women who want to dig into God’s word and see what he has to say about sexual intimacy in marriage.

29:43
I love it. I love it. Um, you know, I have one question I forgot I was gonna ask you I have read and this wasn’t like backed up necessarily when I read it so I’m curious your your take on it and if you have resources better but um, that the Words were actually at the time like the produce words. At the time. Were slang words for those things. Like, for example, right now, in our society we have slang words for sex. But at that time those types of words were actually slang. Do you think that’s true?

30:18
I don’t know I hit that’s a that’s an incredible thought. I mean it very well could have been slang words, whether slang or not. They knew what they were talking about. We have to figure it out. We have Yeah. Know what they mean. But when she’s holding up a Mandrake, he didn’t have thing. What does she symbolizing with that? You know, he knew exactly what it was it was very common language, not just with it, again, not just within the Hebrew culture, but the entire culture at the time. We see it in Egyptian art, we see it lots of places of where it occurred during that time. So I’ve never thought about it as slang. But it was certainly common. And okay. understood it. Yeah. Yeah.

31:03
Awesome. Well, and awesome. This is this is exciting. I mean, there’s so much more obviously. So we’ll have to have you back on and talk more. So this is up? Would you be willing to do a quick prayer for the listener, to our left to

31:20
Lord, we thank you so much that we can just visit with each other, through the internet. And we can listen and watch. And we thank you for this new medium that you’ve given us in these days. Lord, I thank you for the women and the men who will be listening to this podcast. And, Lord, we are so thankful the way that you have created our bodies the way you have set up marriage for to to become one and every aspect from not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. Lord, I pray for the women that are listening today they are discouraged about their marriage, Lord, even ones that maybe are desperately praying for their marriage. And, and I don’t mean this jokingly, but you have said that faith without works is dead. And, Lord, help us all to say that as we’re praying for our marriages, what we actually need doing, to honor our husbands to honor our marriage. And, Lord, I pray for that woman now who feels like the only choice she has is duty, or, or love, and there’s not an in between. And I pray that we will all see that fulfilling this need in our husbands is an act of love. It’s a way to honor you, Lord, because we are honoring our husbands in a way that only we can in a way that you’ve created us to what are pray for the physical relationships of the women and the men that are listening, that they will see this as a gift from you that you have given a husband and a wife to enjoy. And that will be a good part of their marriage. In Jesus name we pray, amen.

32:59
Amen. Thank you sharing this has been wonderful. Welcome. Yes. Okay, so sharing jas.com, I encourage everyone to go to And if you’d like any other of the link, she mentioned, I’m happy to have those links on my show notes. But yeah, pick up love stripe, this is awesome.

33:19
Here’s another link, I’d love for you to share. On Facebook, I have something called the praying Wives Club. So if you go to Facebook, slash the praying Wives Club, that is a place for women. I post a prayer every day. And you can read that prayer is a scriptural prayer and share it with friends. And you can also post prayer requests about your marriage. Awesome.

33:42
Awesome. Awesome. Okay, thank you, Sharon. And I hope that that has piqued your interest, dear listener, about what the Bible does say about intimacy and how God did in fact design it for you and for your spouse. So thank you for joining. And again, if you’re a wife like me, who sometimes has trouble knowing how to keep your mind in the game, I want to invite you to go to delight your marriage.com/present p r e s, e n t. And for men, if you’re wondering what’s keeping her from having a libido, whether it’s a low libido or seems like none at all, you can go to delight your marriage.com/seven blocks BL o CK s. And these are really the ones that after working with men and women separately, and in groups, I really see this over and over and over again that I wish men understood and their wives would feel much more free in intimacy. Well, God bless you. Thank you so much for joining me today. And I look forward to speaking with you next Thursday. Bye

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Why did she heal?

What motivated a woman who was a size 0, undernourished, had been abused horribly to decide it was worth the challenge to heal?

How did she heal and now have a thriving intimate life with her husband?

Catherine gives us insight, hope and practical tools for you. You too can be healed, by God’s grace.

Whether you were abused or your spouse, this will be helpful to understand the process and know that complete healing and restoration is possible for you!

Catherine is incredibly inspiring and has used her story to bring light and safety to so many through her organization Stop Trafficking Us (stoptraffickingus.org) which helps people out of being trafficked.

If this resonates with you and you’d like some additional tips on how to stay present during intimacy, I’d love to also give you a free resource: “8 Secrets to Stay Present during Intimacy”.

You can get it here: delightyourmarriage.com/present

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. So I am really grateful that you are joining me, my name is belah rose. And if this is new for you to be on this podcast, I want to thank you. This is actually my second part to my interview with Katherine Wilson. And we’re talking about healing from sexual abuse or sexual trauma. Catherine Wilson runs an incredible nonprofit where she helps and supports women who have been sexually trafficked, who are really being used a sexual slaves at this point, because she was in that spot. And yet, where she is now is a healed woman, a mother, a wife, a woman who is free sexually with her husband, she process she moved through it. So I think she gives us not just a lot of hope, which she gives, she gives a ton of hope in this in this journey. But then also, she gives very practical tools on how to move through this how to heal. And you know what’s beautiful, as she says, at the very end, she, she says that, had she not done her work to heal, some of the most beautiful things in her life wouldn’t have come to pass. So I want to invite you and encourage you. If you’re one of the one in four women or one in six men who have been sexually abused. I want this to give you hope that you can heal that God can completely heal and restore you. Let’s go ahead and listen in.

2:11
Okay, and we’re back. And I’m so excited. There were a couple of things in our first conversation part here that I wanted to just circle back to Katherine about is one thing you said is do your breath work? I wonder if you could explain that?

2:30
Sure. So when we are nervous, afraid, triggered, what we tend to do is we tend to take a quarter of breaths, right? So if you imagine the the full length, the full length of a lung, when we breathe, we only breathe into the top half. And what happens with that is it exasperates are all of those yucky physical symptoms. So it doesn’t calm us down. It doesn’t help us get centered. It doesn’t, you know, what it does do is it puts a little fuel on the fire. So if when we’re getting triggered, and then we’re we’re shaming and blaming ourselves. So let’s say we’re being intimate with our husband, and we feel that feeling starting to come. And then we Immy and we’re breathing shallow breaths, and we sort of spiral down instead of spiraling up and out of what’s happening, right? Because what we want to do is we want to move through and out of what’s happening. We don’t want to sink into it and go deeper into the upset right? Hmm. So one of the ways there’s a couple named gay and Catlin Hendricks, who are well known authors, and they work do a lot of breath work. And a really a wonderful tool that I learned from them is imagining a balloon, a balloon that you know, that would blow up for a party or something. Imagine that the opening of the balloon is your belly button. And then imagine a little mouth on that opening of the of the balloon and just breathe in filling up your lower part of your lungs all the way up to the top of your lungs. So the way to do that is imagine that balloon behind your belly button and breathe in through your nose and just fill until you feel that the top of your chest and then slowly let that out. Right. And if you do that, like three times, you know, I’m right here. I’m right now let go of the judgment. And one of the coolest Wait, there’s two. Well, three interesting ways of letting go of that negative talk that’s happening. One of them is you can have Imagine it. And it’s your preference. But here’s a couple of suggestions. You can imagine a railroad train with boxcars, and you’re doing your breath work and you’re hearing this negative narrator in your head, beating yourself up, you can, you can imagine those words. And just imagine them going into the boxcar and say thanks for sharing. You can imagine them in a balloon and the balloon flying up with helium, thanks for sharing, letting go. You can imagine a leaf on on a nice babbling brook. And imagine, you know, thanks for sharing. It’s just a method of being able to let that negative stuff go. Yeah, I would. For me, back in the day, I would just, you know, I release things power on me in the name of blood of Jesus Christ. You know, I mean, I would just do an excerpt, I would do an exorcism. On every every thought, you know, and I can’t tell you how much time I spent in, you know, in Psalms, just, you know, what, whatever tool works, and you just sort of have to be a scientist for yourself. You know, is it is it scripture that, you know, that helps let that go. But in the moment, you’re in your bedroom, you know, stuff is coming up, you do your breath work, try that breathing. For me, having my feet on the ground always helped me. And then

6:40
just having that same kind of loving compassion for yourself, and for your partner, that you would have for a child, learning how to walk. No, we just have, we have the patience of Job with everybody else, but ourselves. So just being able to give yourself a little space, a little room and allow for God’s grace, you know, when your head start saying, you know, this is the eighth time this, you know, this week that this has happened or whatever, and you’re really judging yourself to just just to kindly lovingly remind yourself, that God’s grace is at hand here, you know, trust the process, and a way of helping the process is through loving kindness, you know, prayer and supplication, all things, you know, let let your requests be known to God, God when it I know this is not your will for me to be in this situation. And we’re just going to trust you that this will just like on a foggy morning, you know, I live here on Sebago Lake. And sometimes the fog is so thick, that you can’t see across the lake. Then when the sun comes up, the fog dissolves. And the beautiful light of day is born, right? Issues are just like that. It’s just fog. It’s just whether it will pass in its time. And it passes faster with the love and light of our Lord and Savior. And we can implement that through Scripture through prayer, through seeking help with a with a Christian therapist, to help us use the word to help us go to the word for the help through this situation. Just make sure that whoever you’re seeking is, is qualified, you know, because I have seen therapists who worked and you know, and I call them wounded healers, just because someone is a pastor just because someone is a Bible study teacher. So just because somebody fill in the blank, doesn’t mean that that’s the the appropriate person. And again, yeah,

8:57
well, if you don’t mind me interjecting, I wanted to ask you because this has been such a humongous, and I guess I’ll just kind of reiterate. I and my team member actually listened to the interview, because we were, you know, trying to kind of pare it down our first interview four parts. And both of us were so significantly impacted by your story. And that’s really the work that you’re doing to help so many others now. But before, what I want to ask you is for anyone out there that has really, really suffered sexual trauma, I want to know what motivated you to heal. I mean, why didn’t you just roll over and play dead? Just decide, You know what? Life really screwed you it’s not fair. Like how did you decided that this was something you were going to conquer and heal from?

9:53
My children you know, I wanted to and it’s so funny because after my second child, I developed Stage Two plus cancer and had to have a hysterectomy. So if I hadn’t had the children when I did, I would not have been able to have children. So my children were yet another gift from God. And I wanted to live for them. I wanted to, but But before that, let’s go even before I had children, um, you know, I wanted to die. And I remember having that heart to heart with God and just saying, Listen, I don’t know if hell is real. I don’t you know, I don’t know. If it is, and I kill myself, am I going to go to hell is reincarnation real? If, if it is and I kill myself, am I going to come back in a worse situation than I am? So I confessed to God that I did not want to live. And, and, and I mean that like, without a doubt, without a question, I did not want to live. You know, I wasn’t menstruating, I was so malnutrition, I was, you know, zero size zero. And I wanted to die. And I said, I don’t want to live, but I’m afraid to die. Please help me. And that’s when the journey began. And I I guess the gift that the Holy Spirit bestowed upon me, probably right, in that moment, was hope. I had hope. And without that, I don’t think, you know, I don’t think that life, I don’t know if I would be alive if it wasn’t for hope. And God, you know, I call it God winks, you know, those little things that happen that God, just let you know, it’s like, a little communication between you and God that says, I’m here, you know, I want you to know that I’m here. And there would be these wonderful things that would happen that God would speak to me in a language that he knew I would get, and it would just keep me going, you know, and then my life started getting better and better. And so you would say, Okay, so I’m going to have to do healing work. And that’s no fun. What if and same thing in marriages, it’s like, Okay, what if I invest this amount of time, five years, three years, two years, whatever amount of time, and I really do my work. And then I have 20 years of ever being fantastic. You know, would it be worth it? Would it be worth it? If I, if I just said, okay, and I just did what I needed to do I have the patience and tolerance with my wife, you know? And that equals a healthy, loving, intimate, sexual life with my wife later on, would it be worth all of these experiences of, you know, helping her get through this over and over again? You know, the husband would have to answer that, but I would hope it would be yes. Ah, right. And if the if the wife said, okay, you know, I have to sort of be honest with him over and over and over again, and I’m gonna have to do my work and, you know, yada, yada, yada. But three years later, I’m in my own skin, and I’m healthy, and I’m happy and my husband is happy. And, you know, life is good. Would it be worth it? So, yeah, you know, I never could have imagined coming from where I come from, to have gone on to make a six figure income and as a national sales manager to buy my own house as a single woman, you know, $350,000 house on five feet off the lake to meet my second husband so much better. You know, I never would have left my husband, you know, I would have stayed with him. You know, he left and then God brought me Charlie, you know, and to do the work that I do. And I have so much fun. You know, I’m jumped on paragliding and San Diego off the Torrey Pines. Doing the glider plane over Arcadia National Park peak fall foliage. I get to be of service. God takes my story and helps other people. How awesome is it? He didn’t just heal me, but now uses me to help others. What greater purpose, you know is that

14:43
and it’s almost like if you the barrier to entry was the healing like if you had food, the healing that God wanted for you, you wouldn’t be able to do all of those things. That’s right. So I guess I want to just wrap this conversation with if you would pray For the listener potentially has gone through a really difficult sexual trauma and how can she or he because one in six men are also abused one. Right so how can they to move into that that healing journey in have hope for the other side

15:18
if you would you know what I what I would say to that is not only do you have to do your work I really like group therapy. I, you know, there, there’s definitely a time and place for individual therapy, what the recipe that I found is once a week one on one therapy once a week group therapy. And the reason why is there’s this thing about it sort of lowers your ego, it gives you a different perspective, when you see other people going through similar things. It just expedites the healing. And then the third, the third thing is giving back. So let’s say you’re a survivor of rape, maybe not when it’s fresh and raw. But at some point, there is such tremendous healing that comes from volunteering at a rape crisis center or something where it sort of puts your your trauma in perspective, because there are people who’ve gone through far less than you and people who’ve gone through far worse than you and being able to put your trauma in its in its proper place. Yeah, not less than not greater than just another awful thing that happens in life sometimes that we can move beyond and use it to glorify God in other ways. If that, if that makes sense. I love it. When I when I find women or men who are stuck. Volunteering is almost always what I tell them to do. Because it gets them out of themselves.

17:02
Yeah, that’s so important. I love it. Okay, well, only because of time, I would love to chat more. But, um, would you do a quick prayer for our listeners as well? Oh,

17:13
absolutely. Okay, I’ve got, um, I don’t know if you can, you can see I’ve got the ducks in the

17:21
row gonna pray together.

17:23
We’re all we’re all gonna pray together. Oh, god, thank you so much for Bella and what she’s doing. I know that, that you speak through her and that you are you are, you are helping her with her words. And you are also helping those listeners to have ears to hear the words. And the guests that she’s bringing on the show. I just thank you for her. And I bless her and her team that helps her and her husband who is so supportive, and the reach everywhere it goes. And you know, there are no accidents in life. And although the first one that we had was, was our trial. And now that we’re on our second, it’s because this is the time, you know, the people who are gonna hear it, then are maybe different are more or less than who are going to hear it now. And we know and trust that all things work together and your glory. And I want to thank you for using me as an instrument and I just pray that whoever is supposed to hear this story will go to the website, maybe the day feel hope you’ll feel less alone, that any any shame in them has been released. Any bind that you’re that these listeners have about judgment on themselves, or what their ability is or isn’t to heal and grow I just release that in the name of Jesus. So they know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they can transcend whatever’s happened. And they will that is their destiny as a child it is it is it is in their inheritance to thrive, oh my God, and Jesus name we pray and we thank you in advance for the for the healing and the and the reunited love with husbands and wives in the in the bedroom. And we just thank you in advance for this and Jesus name. Amen. Amen. Man, thank

19:32
you so much Sarah and share just last thing is definitely share your website once again so everyone can jump down and

19:44
it stopped trafficking u s.org. And it’s a it’s a resource guide for parents to if they want to, you know help their keep their children safe and all that so it’s resource my stories there if they want to know more, and however I can help anybody there was Have my emails there, my phone number I think is on there as well. And everybody’s welcome to call reach out email, however I can be of support. I’ve got a great network. I’m happy to share.

20:11
Katherine’s amazing. She has been recently to the White House even talking on this. And yet,

20:17
the White House invited me to attend a meeting on sex trafficking. And then they asked if I would be a part of an ongoing council. So I’m, I’m really so honored. And just again, none of this would have happened if I hadn’t done my work.

20:32
Amazing. All right, thank you. God bless you. We’ll talk more. Amazing, thank you so much, Catherine. And I’m so inspired and grateful by you, listener, for going there and being willing to do the hard work for your family, for your spouse, for the work that God wants to do in your life. Thank you for listening. Thank you for joining me. And I look forward to speaking more with you soon. I do have a free resource for you in case in may be helpful. It’s called the eight secrets to remaining present in intimacy. It’s specifically for women. And you can go to delight your marriage.com/present. And I have eight specific things you can do if your mind is wandering while you’re making love, and maybe you don’t have sexual trauma in your past and these are just things that may be helpful for you to get out of your head and into the experience again, so I want to invite you to go there delight your marriage.com/p r e s e n t. Wonderful. Thank you again for joining. I’m looking forward to speaking to you next week. God bless

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Today’s interview is a story of resilience and hope.

Catherine goes into her story lightly because her full story is extremely difficult to take in.

HOWEVER, there is hope. Catherine is a living example that God can heal you.

1 in 4 women AND 1 in 6 men have suffered some form of sexual trauma. So, the healing needs to happen for SO many of us.

What can you do as a wife or husband to heal?

What can you do to help your spouse heal?

What are the underlying causes for pain for the person who is trying to help their spouse heal?

There’s a lot of great insights even for practical and fun ways to heal… yeah it doesn’t have to be another exercise in pain to heal.

God can help even when the mood is light!

To find out more about Catherine Wilson’s work, visit: https://www.stoptraffickingus.org/

If thoughts are inhibiting you in the bedroom and you’re a wife, I’d like to get my 8 Secrets to Staying Present in Intimacy for FREE, you can go to this link!

Part 2 is coming out next week, I hope you’ll come back for that on Thursday!

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. Hi, there, thank you so much for joining me, this is belah rose. I am really sobered and excited for this conversation. I have an amazing guest on Catherine Wilson. And she talks about well, she talks a little bit about her journey. Her journey is very difficult and painful. And she really knows the depths of darkness around sexual abuse. And she also has healed in incredible ways. So this conversation is for the husband that wants to help his wife heal. And it’s also for the wife who is seeking to heal because one in four women are sexually abused, and one in six men are as well. So there’s so much shame around sexual abuse, whether you’re a husband, or a wife. And Catherine gives us a lot of tools in this first part of how to do that, and what that could be like, there’s a resource I want to invite you to get. And basically it’s the eight secrets to help a wife stay present in the midst of lovemaking. Because sometimes flashbacks happen sometimes just all sorts of things kind of crowd out in the moment of intimacy and I want to invite you to have some tools and resources for that. So you can go to www dot delight your marriage.com/present p r e s e n t. So the eight secrets to remain present, and intimacy. Okay, once again, Catherine has got an incredible insights and journey. And the work she does now is amazing. So I hope that you’re going to really gain a lot from this conversation. All right, welcome. Welcome to like your marriage listener. I’m so excited. You’re here. I have Catherine Ann Wilson on the line. Welcome, Catherine. Glad to be here. Thank you. Oh, absolutely, absolutely. And this is actually our second time chatting here in the last couple months. So I appreciate this. This is a kind of a re record for the listener. Um, Catherine has a really difficult and sad story that she has lived through. And I found her so inspiring and so encouraging, because she has not just lived through it. But she’s also healed God’s grace and been able to now help so many others in a similar situation. So we’re going to kind of paint her story in more broad strokes. But we’ll have the link to her website. So if you want to find out more details around her story, you absolutely can. I found for me, it was pretty difficult to function after hearing her story because it was so hard. But it goes to show that we’re going to be talking about the healing journey that she’s going on since. And so if you are listening, have had some really difficult traumas in your life, around sexuality. If someone like Katherine can heal, so can you. So that’s the heart. And that’s the takeaway, right? That you know, it’s the it’s the glory of God’s healing. Yes, that is absolutely possible. And if you’re someone who’s easily triggered, probably ought to not listen to this show. Unless you’ve talked to your therapist or with a loved one. That’s your support person. Even though we’ll be doing broad strokes, just the topic in and of itself can be triggering for people. Sure, sure. Sure. So I think we’re gonna go ahead and and do some broad strokes. So can you go ahead and maybe start by just introducing yourself? What does your life look like right now? And then we’ll kind of I’ll ask some questions after that, if

4:26
you don’t mind. Sure. So I’m Katherine Wilson. I am 55 years old. I’m happily married to Charlie Wilson and we are here and I don’t know if you can see it in the background, but I live on Sebago Lake in Standish, Maine. It’s have an amazing life. My husband allows me to work from home. My work is an advocacy. It’s a nonprofit called Stop trafficking. us.org For those who want to check out the website. I started this about five years. Years ago, I had initially just wanted to do volunteer work at a local juvenile detention center. When I was there, the sexual abuse of the girls there was just really, God just really put on my heart that it was time for me to share a my own personal story that I had already done the healing on. I was not out I didn’t need to tell anybody, my my life God had healed me and I had a beautiful, wonderful, happy life. And, and the Holy Spirit said, No, it’s time for you to pay that forward. So that’s what I’ve been doing the last five years, but I have here. Amazing. Okay, well, wonderful. So yeah, so very broad strokes if you don’t mind sharing a little bit about the journey. Yeah, my mom and dad were happily married middle income family, my dad was electrician. We lived in Florida in the wintertime, because he didn’t like the cold. I totally get that now. And we lived in Maine in the summertime, we were on a little lake in Southern Maine where we rented cottages went back and forth. I’m the oldest of three children, and just not what one would expect abuse to come out of, you know. And my brother was very sick. And I was first sexually abused by a school administrator. When I was in first grade, and abuse tends to have like blood in the water for sharks, and abusers just sort of came up and I have my first, my first 17 years of life is a just a domino effect of all the awful things that can happen when you fall through the cracks. And I fell through the cracks in many areas. I’m sexually abused as a kid bullied at school because I was just a little different runaway, I ended up rape 15 I was brought into sex trafficking, I was held as a as a slave for about a year, I escaped from that. And that’s when I call it surviving the surviving, that’s when you’re safe, is when all that emotional trauma comes up to be healed. And I had to do you know, decades of different kinds of therapy in order to heal. I couldn’t tolerate like antidepressants or anti anxiety I didn’t I wasn’t a drug abuser. When I was a kid, I was a runaway from 12 to 17. And I couldn’t tolerate it when I was on my surviving journey. So God had to really lead me to other ways of healing, I spent a lot of time in the Word, a lot of time on a lot of couches. And then, very slowly, over time, I was able to heal that and then be able to give back, it’s been just over 10 years now, maybe 11 or 12, I guess, since I’ve had an anxiety attack or woken up in the middle of the night with night terrors, or panic attack or anything I’ve really every morning I wake up so happy because I’m in my skin, I get to be in service to God on this issue. And every day, I’m just you know, thank you, God, thank You God, and how can I be of service to you in an effective, meaningful way? How can I be the light of Christ and what I’m doing now? So that’s, that’s my, that’s the short version. Thank you, thank you. And again, the interested can learn more, but it’s a it’s truly a testimony of God’s healing and kindness that you’re you’re married now. And how long have you been married to Charlie? So we’ve been 10 years and and the question gets asked, and you and I talked about this, it’s like how can you have, you know, acute sexual trauma and ever want to be sexual again, as long as you live? And, and some people don’t, you know, and it’s really different. And there’s no,

9:09
there’s no shame or judgment about where somebody is sexually after trauma like that. And that’s between you and your husband, you know, and God Of course, and if you and your husband are okay with not being sexual, then awesome. But if you do want to be sexual and you are being sexual, but you’re having issues around it, I guess like what you and I were talking about is really to let yourself off the hook. You know, some of the things that people don’t talk about, you know, those shame, dark things. I think when we talk about it, and we we bring the light of God’s love and compassion to those dark thoughts, that’s how we can dissolve them and heal them. For instance, it’s common, that that dirt During either masturbation or being intimate with your husband, that sometimes it you might fantasize about what was done to you, you might fantasize about doing to somebody else what was done to you. And that doesn’t mean that you’re going to be a predator, or that you wanted or liked what was done to you in the past, it is just the brains way of working through what was done, and it goes away over time. It, it really does it, it fades. And there are different exercises that you can do during being intimate with your husband, you know, there were, oh my gosh, countless times that I would be in the middle of, or beginning of a sexual act with my husband. And I’m married twice. So my, my first husband left me for another woman eight years into our marriage. But while we were when I was married to him, oh my gosh, I, I might have a flashback. And you know, and that’s perfectly normal. And that doesn’t mean I needed to stop being sexual. It just means that I had more healing work to do something that I could talk to my therapist about. It’s something I could talk to my pastor if my pastor was trained in that area to talk about, right. Right. Really important. Yeah. And, you know, and, and, and really helping my husband to go slow. Sometimes you can be intimate. Without intercourse. There’s lots of other things you can do. And slowly work your way into that. And there can be months that I would have no problem at all being intimate. And then one day, maybe it was an anniversary of something that had been done, or whatever reason that I’m I just felt unsafe, uncomfortable. And it really great communication is the key being able to say, Man, I’m really sort of reliving some trauma, and I’m, I need some help being right here right now. And that term right here right now has helped me a lot. So if I start to sort of go back in time, and I feel myself being turned off or boxed in, I would just I know it sounds silly, but I would stop my foot. And I would say right here right now. I am. That was so last Tuesday. And right now I am with somebody that loves and adores me. And all is well, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I’m gonna stop you right there. Because there’s some really great nuggets that you’ve already said that I want to just underscore here. One thing you mentioned is bringing light to the darkness is really key in unearthing uprooting that shame, that perpetual, those perpetual thoughts of negativity what I’m doing right now. Pardon? Yeah, so I was saying, I think there was a cut in that connection. But I was saying that bringing the light to that darkness is really what the enemy doesn’t want. Because he wants to perpetuate that those those memories and the pain and the past all those things. So I think sharing with a therapist is such a wise choice or a mentor, a spiritual, spiritually wise woman in your life, I think it can also serve in that, you know, potentially in that way as well. And then one thing you said is also it goes away over time. And I think a lot of times, we don’t realize the need of patience with ourselves, grace with ourselves, being willing to hold that it’ll change. Sometimes we just kind of are like, well, it’s, it’s this way now. So it’ll always be this way. Do you find I am, I am so happy to tell you that that’s not true. It’s not true. And you believe it in the moment. And you know, there’s this

14:09
you know, the enemy whispers in our ear. You liked it, didn’t you? You ask for it. You know, you are you are a whore or whatever. You know, like I heard every negative thing in my head. Particularly when I would find myself thinking about it during sex. I would panic and I would think what is wrong with me? I mean, I thought I’m a lunatic. You know, um, you know, I just thought awful things about myself. When we’re able to look at ourselves through Christ’s eyes versus through the enemy’s eyes. When we have that loving compassion, it expands us. When we listen to the enemy. it constricts us. Okay, so one of the ways that we can know You know, who’s that voice coming from? Is it expanding us? Or is is it constricting us? Hmm. So that was really helpful for me. Yeah. Chris wouldn’t talk to us like that, huh? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And, you know, I think I heard a goose in the background. Is that right? Yes. Yes. So everybody’s ever my little family of animals are very interested. I’ve got the goose following me. I don’t know if you can see Don. I do. Yeah. There’s that there’s Thelma and Louise over there. Oh, so what are those ducks behind? Yeah, the two jacks and then. So any anyone watching on the podcast, you can go onto the Facebook and actually watch the video here where we’ve got a beautiful setting. Here’s two bald eagles. Can you see that? Those are two bald eagles flying. Oh, they’re cutting this way. Can you see? Bella? Can you see? No, I can’t see. Josh.

16:13
Right here. Oh. Oh, I do I see them. Cool. Oh, no. Taking a look at the goose. Oh, no. Get away. Oh my gosh, that was so cool. That was so cool.

16:34
I haven’t, I haven’t had two bald eagles just like come right here ever. And so you know when those two bald eagles are making love. And the one bald eagle says, you know, I’m just, you know, I’m feeling sort of asexual right now, I don’t want to be sexual and having stuff come up. The other eagle can say, hey, let’s just hold each other. And let’s talk. Let’s talk. It doesn’t have to be. Oh, my gosh, I’m having a flashback. So stop. It can be let’s just hold each other. Let me just rub your arm. Let me rub your hand, let me rub your face. You know, there can be a really loving intimacy that helps again over time, to shift intimacy going from something that’s triggering and awful. to something that’s beautiful and loving the way it was meant to be. Yeah. I love it. Well, this is we’re wrapping up the first part of this, the show, but I think I want to probably underscore the piece of so often I’ll hear from husbands that are like, How can I help my wife and I think you underscored it there of allowing there to be communication around this where she can say I’m reliving trauma, I need some help being right here right now. And being willing to offer a safe space that intercourse doesn’t have to happen. We can hold each other. We can talk you can tell me how you’re feeling? Well, I think that men want to fix, you know, first of all, they have their own upset that something happened to their beloved. Right. And so that’s something that they have to deal with. Maybe not at the same time that she’s having trouble. But he he has a right to his feelings as well. You know, the anger that what happened to her the anger that this is even an issue. But we need to pick and choose when we work through, you know, his issue does not Trump her issue in the moment. You know what I mean? And he needs as a man needs to be respected. And her as a woman needs to be heard. She needs space, space to be heard space for her feelings. You know, typically in trauma, she did not have control. So her feeling like she has some control is really important to her healing. And they both have to be in agreement that the that the goal is is intimacy, the goal is to be able to have this be a loving, beautiful act that our our Lord and Father had made it for us, you know, and to and to come back to that to create that. And if you guys both are in agreement of that goal, then you just sort of have to take turns pulling each other up through the ladder of healing and that takes time and patience. Yeah, but I I also like the concepts that it is a process of healing. But I mean, you’ve been 10 years without even a panic attack and no medication like healing is absolutely possible. Yeah. It’s gonna be like this. Yeah, go through that process. important, that’s right. And you can go through it, you can make it harder and longer. Or you can, or you can make it as easy as it can be. And even if it’s as easy as it can be, it takes time. And as long as you can have patience, you know, we have patients with our children, learning how to crawl, learning how to walk, but, you know, learning, whatever this is, same thing it’s going to happen. It just takes a little time, and being able to even have a sense of humor about it. Like, oh, my gosh, you know, you know, and just giggle and jump up and down the bed, shake it off, turn on, turn on some Motown or whatever music and just shake off the stress of it. You know, and, and being playful, having, you know, okay, what, we’re gonna do something else, okay, if we’re not gonna make love, we’re going to, you know, whatever. So yeah, yeah, awesome. Play a game. Yeah. Yes, you know, just sort of, I love the idea of doing a silly dance. Sometimes my husband and I will do a silly dance, you know, and, you know, just to, just to shake off doesn’t have to be intense. You know, if you’re having a flashback, if you’re having, do your breath work, shake it off, go back to something that’s loving and safe. And then try again differently.

21:30
Awesome. That’s beautiful. Okay, well, we will talk more on our next part thing. Yeah. Amazing. Thank you, Catherine. And thank you, listener, for going there and learning and gaining insight and hope that things can be different that things can transform for you. So let me pray. Lord, you know the pain of sexual trauma, you know, the pain of what this listener has gone through, or what their loved one has gone through God. Father, I pray in Jesus name for your healing touch, Lord, that You would break down the barriers of what the enemy has, has built because of the pain of the past God, and I pray in Jesus name, that you would give them the grace, to be completely free, and to do the diligent, hard, intentional work of becoming free, and help the husband know how to love his wife well, and how to help the wife know how to love her husband? Well, because either and even both of them may have suffered trauma. And I pray God for that healing Lord, in Jesus name. You do this all the time. And I pray for Catherine’s organization, and their impact in the world I pray it would grow and you would cause people to become free. In Jesus name, amen. Wonderful. Well, I hope that you will give generously to Catherine’s organization, it’s called Stop trafficking us.com You can go and get additional information about what she’s doing and and how you can help and how you can give how you can donate it’s it’s an it’s vital, vital work that is a plague on the world right now is sexual slavery and Katherine is brave to stand up and fight against it. So I invite you encourage you to give generously, and I hope that you’ll tune in again for next week where we continue this discussion. Okay. God bless you and have a wonderful, wonderful day. Bye

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So this is one of those topics that even when we’re talking about intimacy we don’t talk about.

But because I have the honor of speaking to women and men about some of the stuff they have never told ANYBODY, this comes up.

I want to share this episode because I want to help you. I don’t want you to feel alone and icky and like you’re sinning. Maybe you’re not OR what are the specific Biblical boundaries?

Maybe there are small tweaks you can make to your thought-life that will align them with God’s will. Maybe there are wees growing in the garden of your mind and they need to be pulled up and we’ll talk about that.

But you may be surprised by some of my thoughts even around homosexuality. It starts in the mind and what we focus on grows. Just because someone has same-sex attraction doesn’t make them gay. I want to clear about that because that’s an insecurity a lot of people have.

I believe we all have proclivities, it’s what we do with those proclivities that matter. Some of us are more violent, some of us easily lie and some of us have other proclivities we need to keep in check.

What you focus on grows. So if you’re focusing on the ways God wants you to be attracted and turned on by your spouse, I think you might be quite surprised by the way God will redirect your thoughts, feelings and even stimulation just by directing your fantasy-life.

—

I am SO excited to invite you to my 3-part FREE Online Seminar, people had amazing things to say about it!

www.delightyourmarriage.com/renew

There’s only a couple of days left to go and get the replay!

“Belah, your webinar was absolutely amazing, we both enjoyed it and can’t wait for the other 2! You have such an incredible insight on the male – female relationship that we haven’t seen from any other relationship expert!

Your content was spot on and was such an awesome introduction. Where were you 25 years ago!!!!!!!” – Husband

“Thank you so much, Belah, for the distilling a lifetime of wisdom and teaching about God’s plan for marital happiness, family harmony and personal fulfillment into one webinar!!!” -Wife of 32 years

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage.

0:23
Hi, there, this is belah rose, thank you so much for joining me. If you have never been to the delight your marriage podcast, I want to invite you and let you know that this is a safe place to talk about intimacy in marriage, because it’s really all about helping you love your spouse the way that they receive love. And that’s what we talk about on this podcast, we talk about intimacy, because I think we don’t talk enough about the real issues and the real questions that people have. And my hope and heart is to help and encourage you to have the best marriage that you can have so that you can do God’s work the best you can do. You know, when Paul talks about not burning with passion, he basically is saying get married, so you can get on with what God wants you to do. So you stop burning with passion, because it’s in the right place when it’s in your marriage. The trouble is, what if you don’t have passion in your marriage? Now that’s an issue. So I’m not one that wants you to be obsessed with sex, I don’t even follow sex experts. As a sex expert I, I do learn here and there when I need to learn something or whatever. But I’m, I’m not an avid listener or reader of certain things. I mean, every now and then if I feel like I can help someone better if I know more about it, but I pretty much know what I need to know, in order to help the people. I think that God needs me to help. I’m not obsessed with this stuff. And I don’t think you are either. I think you want to love your spouse well, so that you can do God’s will and His work the best. And so when I invite you to think about things in a different way, it’s not out of an obsession. It’s out of how can you love your spouse so they’re filled up so they can do their work for the kingdom. So here’s what I want to do, I want to talk about the online seminar that I put together, I spent a lot of time it’s a free seminar for you. It’s three parts. And actually a woman that’s been married 32 years, she wrote as a comment, she said, Thank you so much belah for the distilling of a lifetime of wisdom, and teaching about God’s plan for marital happiness, Family Harmony and personal fulfillment into one webinar. And then she goes on to express how grateful she is and and how she arrived at the same truth after a lot of research and after her lifetime of marriage together. So I was really honored and grateful that she came on the seminar and felt that it was that profound and helpful. So I, I hope you’ll join. Another gentleman said Bella, your webinar was amazing. Absolutely amazing. We both enjoyed it and can’t wait for the other two exclamation point, you have such an incredible insight on the male female relationship that we haven’t seen from any other relationship expert exclamation point, your content was spot on and was such an awesome introduction. Where were you 25 years ago, and then I think he has seven exclamation points.

3:43
So I’m extremely, extremely grateful. Those are just a couple of the responses that I received. I was so grateful to hear them. I think this is going to impact your marriage, I really do. This online seminar is free. But it’s only going to be available until Tuesday, midnight, Eastern Standard Time. So I hope that you’ll go to www dot delight your marriage.com/renew. And if you go there you sign up you’ll see the replays and in the third replay, I talk about a program that I’m just starting. It’s brand new. And it’s called renew connection, deeper loving relationship and true intimacy. And this program is an opportunity for a husband to get the training he needs. And at the same time for the wife to get the training she needs for them to each love the other well in the way that they receive love because as husbands and wives we receive love differently. And I talk about in that seminar what exactly she needs and when exactly he needs to feel loved. And those are the free online seminar. So I hope that you’ll go because like I said, it’s going to be available for only three more days, or depending on when you listen to this until Tuesday night. So I hope that you’ll be able to listen to it and bring your spouse, there’s a segment that I have only for wives and a segment only for husbands because I don’t think we need to be trained at the same time and rolling our eyes at each other or elbowing each other, it’s embarrassing. What we need to do, we get trained. And then on game day, it’s like our game day is is with our spouse. So that’s what I want to invite you to do, I hope that you’ll do that. If you’re like me, and you like to listen to things two times fast, because it’s the replay, you actually have that option, and you can speed me up, and I’ll go super fast, and tell you all the only important things you need to know. Awesome. So that’s the light your marriage.com/renew. All right, well, let’s talk about the topic I wanted to specifically talk on the podcast about is fantasy. Now, this is something that I hear a lot from wives, about fantasy. And interestingly enough, I didn’t think about it before coming on this, to talk to you about this, but I actually have never heard this from any of my male students. Their temptation is around, you know, addiction, you know, pornography, sadly, that’s, that’s, that’s a huge temptation for them. But in terms of in the moment, they’re thinking about what’s happening right there in front of them, they are thinking about their wives. And I confirm this with some of my male students. So they, they’ve told me it’s true, they’re they don’t have any trouble being present. They’re thinking about this incredible experience they’re having with their spouse. Now, their feelings do get hurt, because they can sense that their wives are not necessarily present with them. I think sometimes as women, we’re so insecure around intimacy, that even though we’re uncomfortable with something, we get this expression on ourselves on our face. And we almost assume that he can’t tell because he’s turned on. And he doesn’t stop because he’s turned on. And he’s like, Well, you know, I’m going to kind of ignore her uneasiness. And I think us women, we think it’s okay. Because we think he can’t tell. But even though your husband’s turned on, he’s still the sensitive, kind, loving husband, he always is. So he, he knows if you’re not feeling comfortable, or he knows if you’re not feeling your best, he might not stop everything and be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what? What’s happening? What, what are you feeling and it’s only because he wants to keep going, and he knows that all, you know, in the mood. So I want to just invite you to think about that, that your husband actually does sense what’s happening in your mind and in your heart. And He wants you to be present, when you all are making love. So if you are having a hard time shutting off your brain, before intimacy,

8:23
I want to invite you to, number one, recognize the importance of it, that it’s important to make yourself be present. Here’s an interesting thought that may help help you is like if you’re not present, making love to your husband, then you’re not really making love to your husband, are you you’re your body’s there, but you’re not there. And it’s like what, why are you missing this experience? Why are you pulling your mind somewhere else? And you’re missing the experience with your husband? Now, I mean, I’m asking you out of curiosity, like not judgment. Don’t don’t put judgment on yourself. But be curious, like, what’s going on with me that I don’t want to be present to intimacy? What’s going on with me that the motivation isn’t there to be fully present with my spouse? Now, I don’t want to tell you that it’s easy. It’s not. I mean, there are times that I have to be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, where did my mind just go? somewhere completely different than here, and that does happen. And I want to invite you, there’s a lot of things you can do to make yourself bring yourself to presence again, and you can start getting in your body again, you start noticing things so when I mean getting in your body again, that might mean using your body fingers around his body, touch his arms or his back or just touch us, you start getting back into your senses, what is the feeling of touch underneath your finger tips? And then start noticing how you’re actually feeling in terms of him inside you like, what are the feelings that are happening. So get get back inside your body start noticing. And a lot of times, if you’ve ever read books about mindfulness I can’t remember the source. I’ll tell you that right off. But at some point, I think I might think was an interview, actually, that I heard. But anyway, the woman was talking about how mindfulness is just noticing new things, noticing new things. And so if you think about it, when you’re making love, start noticing the new things, whether it’s new sensations, or new, new feelings in any sense of your body, maybe he’s touching your skin in a way that is interesting or intriguing to you. And you can just start noticing, maybe there are things that you can start doing to yourself to make yourself feel more turned on. Okay, so that’s kind of where, you know, putting your mind while intimacy is happening. How can you as a wife be proactive in that. But then I want to talk about fantasy specifically. Because a lot of times, women feel turned on by fantasy. And I think that’s why romance novels are a big thing. And some people call that female porn for romance novels, I personally have not gotten into it. I do know that some people have either been able to find romance novels that are like around, I don’t know, they’ve been able to kind of imagine it through their, like being with their husband. The interesting thing, I think, is whatever you are fantasizing about, if it is between you and your husband. So the boundaries in marriage, if sorry, the boundaries in the Bible are between a husband and a wife in thought, and indeed, it’s okay. Like those are the boundaries. So we’re not allowed to lust after someone who’s not our spouse, which would mean fantasizing, we’re not allowed to do that. God knows best. It, it breaks the bond between weekends, the bond between you and your spouse, if you’re fantasizing about someone who’s not your spouse, because again, you’re not making love to your spouse, you’re making love to some fantasy, and your body is not there. But your mind is in that fantasy. So it weakens what sex is supposed to be about. it dilutes the power of it. But if you believe that sex is actually a place to be fully powerful, you have to be present. Otherwise, that dilutes it for you, and the power it’s supposed to have on you. Because it’s not just for your husband, the pleasure and the joy and the connection, and the unity is for you, too, as a wife.

13:23
So fantasy, let’s say you’ve been having fantasies of being dominated. That is not an uncommon fantasy for a wife of being dominated. The answer is, that’s okay. And that’s normal. And it’s okay. And it can even be hot. It can even be a turn on for you. If the person dominating you is your spouse. So you can even make it into the playful things between the two of you have of making up scenarios where you and your spouse are doing it, but it has to be between you and your spouse. That’s the boundary. Now, sometimes our husband’s the one that wants to be dominated. Why not? There’s no nothing against that. Absolutely not. That can be between you and your, your wife, if that’s something that’s exciting for you. There’s no negative reason unless there’s a third party involved. If there’s a third party involved, there’s the line. The line has been established that it needs to only between be between you and your spouse, but you can put it in interesting context like you could in a fantasy you could pretend you’re in the the office then you you know run into the to the whole closet and you do some fancy things, you know, some exciting stuff between the two of you and you talk through it and you imagine it with each other while you’re making love in your own bed in your own house. But that might make it extra exciting or put a little variety in it for you both. Another thing is you could just change the place that you might be making love together. So you could say that, you know, we’re making love in a tent in the, you know, middle of the park or something, and you’re, and you’re just talking about it. And this fantasy of you all, doing something unusual, is getting you both excited. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that, if it’s between the two of you. And in fact, that may be a little kick in the variety for you both. I remember working with someone and she was like, It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to orgasm, this is so strange, it’s never happened to me before. And I invited her to at will have you tried, let’s try this, let’s try different things to get you turned on. And just by thinking of, in speaking out different environments, physical places, they could be making love, they would talk it through to each other while they’re getting in the mood, or while they’re inside of each other, that would create an extra sense of excitement between them and for her and that, that move her towards orgasm that hadn’t been for a while. So you don’t know how it’s gonna turn you on. But I would invite you to try it. If you’ve never ventured into the possibility of talking about fantasy or things that you might like to try together, or even just talk about and pretend you’re trying it together, just talk about it. That’s a really great thing to do. Now, I want to just tell you, for those of you listening, and you’re like I could never, I want to invite you to realize it’s vulnerable. It’s not, especially if you’re just getting started, it’s not easy. And even if your Heck, even if you’re used to saying it, it’s not necessarily the easiest thing. But you never know if that’s going to encourage both of you and give you guys variety and excitement and do something new for your intimacy. Intimacy can always can like, let me say this exciting intimacy is variety. So it’s not that you need to be making love every night of the week. That’s that’s just not it. I men tell me a lot. That’s not the ideal, the ideal is that my wife would be excited about it interested in about in desire me. That’s the ideal. And so if you are in a spot where you feel like you’re exhausted by the amount that you all are doing together, maybe it’s just upping the variety and the excitement, and the frequency, maybe it doesn’t have to be that high. I mean, I don’t know what what it is for you all, but maybe it’s really just less of the amount and more of the excitement.

18:08
So um, so yeah, I would invite you to take, you know, if you have had shame around your fantasy, and many women do they they walk around thinking that they’re sinning. Now, if it’s with someone other than your spouse, that is that is sin. All you have to do is re is change it to be that with your husband. Now, here’s something about fantasy that I do want to touch on that I really haven’t before. But I have heard from plenty of people that this is something that is is tough on them is sometimes fantasy with the same sex is intriguing or interesting or turning on for somebody. I’ve heard that actually many times, and I want you to feel at peace, to know that being attracted to somebody of the same sex is not a sin. It’s not. It’s what you do with that is what the Bible says is a sin. It’s not. It’s not the peace of of having attraction. I think that God in His kindness has made so many people with so many differences, that that there’s somebody for everybody within God’s boundaries. And I remember I had a friend and she said as she was growing up, she thought that she wasn’t attracted to men and really confused her and she was really nervous about it. And she just kept that to herself and that kind of thing. And then when she went to College, she realized there was no diversity where she grew up. And the truth is she was just not attracted to white men. And so she ended up with a gentleman from Peru and, and so it just goes to show like, God has so many different types of people in the world, like, there are women with giant biceps, and there are men that are also I think I’m just being silly with with gender norms here. But I just think that God is so good and kind, and he has so many people in this earth, that we don’t have to negate what he says in Scripture. Because we’ve had sexual dreams about the same gender or fantasies. I believe that God has bigger for us, He cares more. And there’s so like, there’s billions of people, like, maybe you’re not attracted to any of the, you know, men in your area or women in your area, but maybe it just means that you just haven’t met the right ones. Yes. You know, and just because you’ve had attraction to men or women in the past that are the same sex as you doesn’t mean that that’s going to always be the case. I think that what we focus on grows, so if you focus on that attraction, I think that can grow. Or if you focus on the attraction to your spouse that can grow. It’s a, it’s where you let your thought life go. And we all have a responsibility to be a good steward of our thought life. It’s like a garden, if we don’t plant the right seeds. If we don’t weed out the weeds, if we don’t ensure that it’s gonna get watered by the word and refreshed on a consistent basis, then weeds are going to grow and it’s going to become a monster of a garden, it’s not going to be fruitful. But if we do what God asks us to do with our garden, and we do plant the right seeds, and we do invest the right thoughts into our garden, and we have fantasies about our spouse, don’t we make things fun and exciting between just the two of us that excitement is going to grow? There are trade offs in this life, we don’t have an infinite enough amount of time to think thoughts. So if you make sure you’re intentional about the good thoughts to be thinking, they’re going to spur on more good thoughts you,

22:55
you can’t like. It’s kind of like you can’t watch two movies at once. Right, you only have enough space in your mind to focus on one thing at a time. So if your mind is consumed by one thing, then this other thing dies. So I want to invite you to focus your fantasy on your spouse, focus your fantasy, on the goodness that God has in front of you on the good things of what he or she is. And don’t allow the enemy to distract you on fantasies that are not what God asks us to do. So let me pray for you. As we as we wrap this up Father, in Jesus name, I asked that your truth would rain, I asked that your truth would rain. Father, you know what’s best for the person on this other line God, and whatever you need to teach them or grow them or change their thoughts. That’s what it would be. And Father, I pray for grace to love their spouse, deeper, and fuller and wider. God the way that you love us, you tell us to love you with all our heart, with all our mind with all our strength with all our soul, and that means to realign our opinions with yours. So Lord, I pray for wisdom and insight for your revelation. God, I and I pray for grace. Help us to love our neighbor as ourselves, God help us to love our neighbor as ourself. What does that mean in every situation that we’re in? I touched on something that’s not a popular thing to talk about. Talk about. But how does it how do we love somebody in maybe a confusing part of their lives? How do we love them, rather than push them My way, how do we love them? We’ve all had difficult seasons of our life. How do we love them in it that attracts them to you not pushes them away from you. And Father, I pray for the person that’s struggling in their thought life. I have been in their shoes, and it is awful. With sexual difficulties in in your thought life, Lord, I invite you to guide them into what seeds to sow, and how to grow that in Jesus name. Amen. If this is something that resonated with you, I want to invite you to read a book that was written in think as 1903 it is an oldie, but man, is it a goodie. And it’s called as a man thinketh As a Man Thinketh. And it’s actually on audiobook for free at on YouTube. So if you want to just Google there, it’ll make you fall asleep, if you’re listening to it while you’re in bed. But if you listen to it enough, it’s a short, it’s a short, it’s a short listen or read whatever you prefer. But if you listen to it enough, you’ll like the insights are just so good. And there are certain parts that are definitely biblical. I’m not sure if all of it is and, you know, as I’ve talked about in previous podcasts, I don’t, I don’t recommend 100% of pretty much anything that I put on my podcast, but I do think there’s so much value that you can get from it. So I hope if this is resonating, and you want your thought life to be different, you can go to as a man thinketh I think it’s a really good one. Other than that, I do hope that you will come on to the online seminar. As I said, I think that God can do something absolutely miraculous. through it. So I want to read one more testimonial that commented he said, Excellent broadcast, Bella understands what husbands and wives need. This is what drew me to the dy M program. Yes, I am a graduate of her program. And my marriage has never been this intimate. And I’ve been married for decades. We say now that we were merely roommates with benefits only months ago, we were on the brink of divorce. But Bella’s program showed me what is most important to her. All I did was learn about how I can change implemented her lessons in my wife. And I fell in love for real every day now is like magic. But this program is so much more than intimacy, you’ll learn to be the man of her dreams. It’s so easy. I can’t put a price on this kind of wisdom. We are profoundly grateful.

27:43
So I am so grateful for his comment there and I hope that you’ll go to this free live broadcast you go to www dot delight your marriage comm slash renew. And like I said it’s going to be the replays going to be gone here very soon, Tuesday. Midnight. So I hope you’ll be there. Very quickly, very soon part three parts. So it’s three hours. And if you’re like me like to listen to things two times fast, you’ll be able to have that option. And yeah, God bless you. I look forward to speaking to you more soon. We’ll talk soon. Bye

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Wives:

As a wife who was bewildered by desire and feeling grossed out by it, I get it!

But more than that… my hangups included, it’s dirty, wrong, sinful, perverted, from the pornos, etc etc etc.

But he kept caring about this. And he wasn’t the only one. And now I hear from husbands all the time about how important this is to them.

And these guys aren’t jerks, pigs, or abusers.

They’re God-honoring gentlemen, who love their wives, they’re good fathers and they want to enjoy their lives and their marriage and LOVE HER THE WAY SHE FEELS LOVED TOO!

—

Husbands:

On this episode I have some practical (VERY ehemmm practical) tips for you. This can be something for you guys in your marriage even if you’ve been married many years!

If you’re tempted to ask your wife to listen to this… consider for a bit. Will it make her feel forced?

Instead, I want to invite you to my live, free webinar series coming up!

This is an awesome opportunity to get your wife introduced to my work.

It’ll have intimacy sprinkled in but it won’t be as focused (and possibly alarming to someone not really on board with my concepts).

But you’ll want to attend the webinar too because it’ll have golden nuggets for you two! What can YOU do to encourage your wife in this?

ReNewed Connection: Deeper, Loving Relationship & TRUE Intimacy!

—

The other free resource I mentioned is The 7 Blocks to Her Libido resource!

Looking forward to having you at the Webinar Series. (Also, if you are seeing this in the future, you can go to the same link and gain some kind of helpful material!) ReNewed Connection: Deeper, Loving Relationship & TRUE Intimacy!

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. Hey, there, welcome, welcome. This is belah. Rose, I, first of all would like to apologize for my voice. I have a really great show for you, I am excited about this topic. This is something that is on a lot of people’s minds when I coach them because of my book because of the content of my podcasts. And they really want to know they want help with this. And so what I want to talk about is oral sex, why he cares so much, and why she’s uncomfortable. Before I jump into that, I want to invite you on a free webinar series, and this is actually going to be live. Now if you’re listening in the future, it’s possible that there will be this material available, and will be at the same link. So go to www dot delight your marriage.com/renew. And this webinar series is really an opportunity for spouses to introduce each other to the content, and to reconnect and rekindle here in the beginning of the year. Or again, if you’re listening in the future, at any time. So you go to www dot delight your marriage.com/new. And it’s all about renew your connection, deep loving relationship and true intimacy. So in that webinar series, I’m going to be talking about what true intimacy means. And how can you guys reconnect based on principles of of the most important things that men need and the most important things a women need. And what I aim to do with this webinar series is to give you kind of a very easily digestible version of a lot of the stuff we talked about in this podcast. It’s really to help maybe your wife have a bit less reservations around my work for her to understand that I understand her that I am a normal wife, I’m not a nymphomaniac by any means. But I have understandings that that will actually help her feel more loved in her marriage. And that’s what this is going to be about. So it’s going to be for couples, there will be a segment that I’m only going to talk to wives, and there’ll be another segment in another webinar, where it’ll just be for husband. So I really would love for you to be on this live. Because that is, I think, the most powerful opportunity for you. So sign up as soon as you can. But no matter what, if you sign up in the future, you’ll be able to get the content and I think it’s going to be extremely worthwhile. Fantastic. So why does he care so much about oral sex? Well, here’s the thing. Men have a, well, they have something special between their legs. It is basically what defines them as men, it is something that is so powerful to them, it’s so important to their self esteem, that we as women can’t really understand it, we can understand why that would matter. So much. You know, there’s so many other things in the world to care about. But if you have sons, which I’m lucky enough to have two boys, you know that he will, these little boys, it’s such an important part of them. They they just find different ways to get so excited about it. And, you know, we as parents, that’s, that’s private, you can go do that in private, please. But essentially, it’s a it’s a fascinating part of anatomy, and it’s always sensitive. And there’s always I mean, just it’s extremely interesting thing, but But it’s but it’s them. And so it’s who they are. And as a wife why oral sex matters so much is because you’re proving to him that you don’t think he’s gross, that you don’t think he’s too small that you don’t think he’s too big that you don’t that you think it’s wonderful that you love it

5:00
You don’t think he’s dirty or, or that this is disgusting to you. These are fears that your husband has, again with the size thing or society says that a certain size has to be the right. You know, it has to be a certain size. But let me tell you something. And this is actually really good for all husbands to hear, and maybe wives too. But definitely husbands have worked with a lot of people. Now, by God’s grace, somebody told me that I say, by God’s grace too much, so. I’m sorry. I’ll try to limit that. But anyway, I’ve worked with a lot of people, by now, and I have literally never heard any wife say that her husband was too small. Never, never, not once, literally, not once. I think husbands need to hear that I think they need to know that that’s what their wives are worried about. Literally, they do not. They are not concerned about that. Dear husband, you are God’s masterpiece. God is responsible for every part of your body. He’s the one that did that. It’s important for wives to know that is that it really matters to your husband, what you think about his member, it really matters to him. And in oral sex, he can tell, he can tell what you think. If you refuse to do it, it means you don’t like his member, which means he feels unloved. It feels like you’re rejecting him who he is, as a man, as a person. That’s what it feels like.

6:45
Now, you may be thinking, Well, my husband doesn’t care that much about oral sex, well, then this is probably not the podcast for you. There’s

6:53
plenty of other ones. But if your husband is somebody that cares about oral sex, that is the way his perspective is like this, this is who he is. And if you reject it, you know, why do you think kissing his mouth is okay, like, why is that? natural and normal? Still part of his body? Right? See, the problem is our society has trained us to think of oral sex as dirty and wrong and only for naughty girls. And if you partake in that, then you’re one of the negative people on X rated films. Yeah, that’s not true. God made sex they stole it from God, God’s idea is for all sorts of flavors and freedoms and sex. He made it as a as a really exciting amusement park for each other that I mean, that’s what sex has the opportunity to be between the two of you. Now, the boundaries and in insects around sex is essentially in thought. And indeed, it’s between only the two of you. Like that’s, that’s the boundaries per the Bible. But after that don’t add rules to it. It’s kind of like, you know, I love ice cream. I can’t have ice cream anymore. Darn it. But for example, if I could, why, that’s, that’s my personal health things. That’s not because it’s bad. But anyway, why would you know all of us? Generally, we don’t I don’t know anyone who thinks eating ice cream is wrong, except that it’s not in the Bible. God doesn’t talk about ice cream. Now we do know someone given to gluttony, that’s a sin. Because God does have best in mind for us and it’s not to eat bonbons all day long, you know, constantly eating ice cream that’s going to mess up your health. So he does have boundaries there. But after that, why not enjoy ice cream and give God the glory for it? Like why is that? A problem. He does not give you a limit to how to enjoy your spouse’s body sexually. He does not give a boundary there. In fact, in the song of Solomon’s, it specifically talks about oral sex. Specifically, it’s talking about kissing his fruits under the shade of his palm tree. His fruits are sweet to my taste. Like that’s that in that time, that kind of language. There was no other way to interpret it. Like that. Everyone knew what we were talking about there. In the same way with oral sex for women, that’s also in Song of Solomon talking about blowing on my garden. I mean, there’s all sorts pomegranates, that was a very sensual fruit. And it was all about reporting, product, repressed activity, if that’s the word. So anyway, I would invite you to really think about why you’re putting boundaries on something God doesn’t restrict. Yes, don’t invite anyone into the marriage bed, yes, be conscious of your thought life and be conscious that you want to keep it pure and not tempted and focused on your spouse. But after that, like you just go to town have a wonderful, wonderful time. It’s kind of like, here we’ve got a playground, and there’s boundaries. So there’s the gate around the whole thing. But you’re not going to say, okay, you can only play in the sandpit you can’t play on the slide, you can’t play on the monkey bars, you can’t play on the swings, you can’t play on this, you can’t play on that. It’s like, wait a second, the boundary is inside the playground, that’s really all that matters. You don’t have to add all this other stuff to it. So yeah, if this is something that is exciting to your husband, if this is something that he craves, then there’s freedom there. Now, that’s kind of all talking to the wife there, here’s something I want to talk to the husbands about.

11:41
Your husband, you may be under the guise that pushing her head there is is a positive thing. I want to invite you to not do that. Because

11:57
it’s not attractive. Here’s, here’s the problem with that. What it kind of says to her is, you aren’t gonna communicate your desires, you’re just gonna force her to do them. And that is not, that is not something she’s gonna want to do, it will make her that she never wants to do that. Maybe you’re thinking in your head? No, I think she likes that. Well ask her just really directly ask her if she likes that. And if she likes it, great, keep going. But my hunch is she might not. So there’s one tip. Another tip is to always be clean. In fact, don’t let her do that unless you’re clean, because she will notice and potentially the next time she won’t be interested, or as excited. So just as much as you want it, even in the moment, just be like, Okay, I’m gonna go clean myself just a minute, that will speak dividends to you later, I promise. In terms of moving things forward, positively. And but husbands, if your wife is having trouble in this area, I want you to know it’s going to be a journey for her. And every step of the way, you have an opportunity to thank her be grateful, like every tiny step of the way. You might be listening to this and being like, my wife doesn’t even touch me around there. Like she is clearly grossed out. And I’ve worked with with either wives or husbands like that. And I and I were their spouses are like that, and I totally get it. And so, what you have an opportunity to do is thank her, everything she does, in that direction that you’re grateful for. Now, I’ll tell you something that a good thing does not have a but I’d prefer. Like there literally cannot be any caveat to your gratefulness. Otherwise, it might as well don’t say thank you, like, might as well forget the whole thing. There cannot be a caveat. There has to be sincere. Gratitude, and that’s actually going to move her forward. That’s going to make her be like okay, I’m good at this. All right, that was, you know, he’s, he’s, he accepts he’s, he’s, he’s grateful for what I do. Okay, maybe I’ll do more next time. It’s kind of like if you make a meal for the family. And she’s like, Well, this was great. But next time, can you not use frozen vegetables. So then you’re so then it’s actually a punch to the gut. It’s not gratitude at all. And then you’re probably not going to want to make dinner next time. So I want to invite you to think about having sincere gratitude to food for all that she doesn’t intimacy and continue that around oral sex as well. So, yeah, the elephant in the room why she’s uncomfortable, is because she probably thinks it associates her with the naughty girls. She probably doesn’t want to hear a podcast about oral sex. And in fact, if you’ve asked her to listen to this, she might be rolling your eyes as she’s listening to it because she feels forced, she feels pushed into this. And I know you as a husband, you don’t want to force your wife, you don’t want her to feel that way. So how do you move her in this direction? Well, I think there’s a couple of routes. One is this webinars a brilliant way of you starting her in this direction. You know, a lot of men will listen to my podcast, and they’re like, I just don’t know how to introduce this to my wife. So the webinar is a really good introduction. It’s not, I’m not gonna have, you know, really bright focus on intimacy, it’ll be sprinkled here and there, but it’s not going to be as giant of a focus as it is on my podcast, it’s really going to be an easy way for somebody just get started in thinking about intimacy, as a, as a, as a vital part of your of your marriage, but also it’s a, it’s a, it’s kind of wading into the pool, I’m not like pushing, you won’t be pushing her into the deep end, where she’s gonna be resisting, it’s this, like, Okay, let’s do this marriage conference together, it’s online, like this is a great opportunity. So there’s one, I’d highly recommend and do it as soon as you can.

16:54
So there’s one. The second thing is I also have a free resource for you called the seven blocks to her libido. So if you have been listening to my podcast for a while, you know, I did a webinar a while back, this is a downloadable, short workbook, essentially, that’s based on that webinar. And it’s extremely helpful for the guys I work with, to understand that you can take away these blocks, so that she can have a libido so that she’s not constantly being forced, and she can actually relax into it. So if that’s something that you need that resource, you can go to delight your marriage.com/the number seven, and then BL o CK s, and then you can get that resource. Okay, so that those are the things that are going to actually like, help take off the pressure, take off the push. A lot of men think if I don’t hold her feet to the fire, she’s not going to do anything. Well, I’ll tell you, you might have her mechanically doing something for you. But if her heart isn’t there, you and I both know, that’s not satisfying, you weren’t her heart there. And you cannot force someone into putting their heart there. I mean, that’s a slave, right? You don’t want a sex slave. What you want is, is a sexually free wife that’s generously making love and loves it and is so excited to make love and, and all of these things and that can’t happen if you are forcing her. You cannot have her feet to the fire. But you might be like, well belah What am I supposed to do? We’ve been dealing with this for two decades. So here’s the thing. People change. In fact, change happens constantly. People are constantly changing all the time. Like today tomorrow the next day you have to make it super easy for her to change super easy. So every inch centimeter she does in that direction you think her you praise her you invite more for her, but not because you’re forcing or pushing or manipulating. But it’s because you’re grateful for what she’s doing and that makes her want to do it more. I’ve got a ton more to say I really hope that you’re gonna join me on the webinar coming up. This is a great opportunity for not only her to learn and get insights but really for you too as well because believe it or not, you’ve got stuff to learn and you can do this as well. So I want to invite you to that WWW dot delight your marriage comm slash renew our e n

19:56
e w And let me leave you with this. If you are feeling like you’re not going to be satisfied in your marriage, unless oral sex is part of it,

20:14
I definitely understand that that’s a desire for so many men. And I’m not at a spot, I’m not here to tell you that that shouldn’t be part of your marriage, obviously, I want to encourage that I want that to be part. However, if the only thing you see, to make that happen, is by forcing, manipulating, pushing, holding her feet to the fire, you are undermining any progress that she has made towards that. Like, instead of her being drawn to you, to love you, and the ways that you feel loved, she will feel like, Oh, I’ve got to do this again. And it won’t be from her heart. So really take a step back and consider how can you love your wife? Well, how can you understand what you can do? And then how to be strategic for to change. Because here’s the thing, I think you, as a man can do tons and tons of work on your own, which is great, and you should do. But it may take a long time for things to change. I want to help things change fast, because thankfully, I get to see people change in weeks, and, you know, months, but like, doesn’t have to take years. So that’s, that’s what I want for you, I want it to be faster than just kind of you pedaling around because I have a system of change for your wife and for you. Like I have a system for that to happen in weeks and months. And that’s it. And then the rest of your life, it’s changed as transformed. You know, sadly, there are people that come to me been married for 3540 55 years, and they’ve been suffering for a long time. And and then we work together and things dramatically change. And here, they’re they’re just happy. They’re having a great, great life, a great marriage, great intimacy, spicy steamy variety. Lots of lots of lovemaking. And if they had just come to me, you know, in the beginning of their marriage, they could have enjoyed the whole thing the whole time. So yeah, like do the work. Now, don’t, don’t wait till later. And this is a really good opportunity for you to get on as soon as you can for this webinar. So again, I hope that this has been helpful, I hope that if you’re the wife listening, that you’ll have a new perspective, that oral sex is not for the dirty girls. It’s for the wives that really love their husbands. And the Song of Solomon wife, she loved her husband. That’s what this was about. It was about love and in powerful generosity in the bedroom. It’s powerful for your husband’s heart, for who he is to feel filled up to feel satisfied. God bless you, I look forward to seeing you soon. Take care. And I’ll pray for you, Father, thank You for the husband or wife listening God. Sex is such an important part of life. And it’s such an important part of their marriage. I pray God for new eyes, opened understandings, to become different, Lord, to change, they are changing daily, moment by moment, we are becoming different people. And it’s up to us to decide that to be intentional about that change God. That’s the one thing in life that never stops is change. You know, we’re always getting a little older. We’re always you know, just life is constantly changing. And I pray God that they would use that encouragement to change in the ways that you want them to whether their husband or wife both of them need to change. We love you, Lord. Amen. All right, guys. Thanks so much for listening. I love you. I’ll talk soon.

24:42
I

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Oh man! You’re going to get a lot out of this one. Larry Shushansky (from https://www.independentenough.com/) has 40 years of experience as a psychotherapist. We dig into what conflict is, why it happens and how to deal with it. But also that it is GOOD for your marriage.

However, MOST couples do conflict WRONG—thus it’s BAD for theirs. Don’t let yours be in this category!

He has been featured on: Psychology Today, Fast Company, Chicago Tribune, The Huffington Post to name a few… and it shows!

Some things may SURPRISE you.

• How could conflict be good?
• How do you MAKE conflict good?
• What does it mean to be independent but also dependent in your marriage?
• Aren’t you supposed to be vulnerable with your spouse? So, why would you also be independent? Is there some kind of manipulation here?
• My hope is it will challenge you to think way differently about conflict and your connectedness with your spouse.

Oh, and Larry and I have a conflict about something. I think you’ll be really interested to hear! Neither of us backed down and he says we did it right.

—

Also, I mentioned that I’d like to invite you and your spouse to attend my Live and Free webinar series:

New Year, ReNewed Connection: Deeper, Loving Relationship & TRUE Intimacy! Sign up here: www.delightyourmarriage.com/renew2020

This is for couples (or people to watch on their own) and a ending segment JUST for wives. If you’re looking for an easy segue-way to invite your wife to be interested in my work THIS IS IT.

Or if you have friends that need this work but you don’t know how to talk to them about DYM because you know… sex. I get it!

This is a easy to digest and hints of truths about intimacy but nothing as strong and explicit as I have on my podcast or other material. Its a super easy intro as well as extremely helpful relationship tools.

Looking forward to having you!

Love,

Belah

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. All right, welcome, welcome. Thank you so much for joining me, this is belah rose. And today, I am super excited because we’re going to be talking about conflict. It was such perfect timing, because I feel like I wanted a framework for conflict, I wanted tools to kind of fall back on and I feel like Larry gives that to us in this call. So really exciting stuff. I’m, I’m so excited to present this material to you. I was talking to a client yesterday. And I, in my work, I always recommend books and different resources and this person and that person, this person, and she was kind of challenging me of like, what do you see good about this person? Or what do you think about that? And, you know, I had to clarify, I do not recommend anyone 100%. In fact, I don’t even recommend myself 100%. I mean, if you go back and listen to my podcasts, three years ago, or the way I used to think three years ago, or 12 years ago, or whatever, I hope that I’ve contradicted myself, I hope that I think differently than I used to, because that means I’m growing, that means I’m changing. I’m becoming better God’s teaching me. Hopefully, I’ve gotten more wisdom over the years, hopefully, God’s continuing to teach me I mean, that is my goal. So not only that, but my gosh, sometimes I make silly things. And I say silly things even yesterday, and I think about it that, you know, an hour later, and like, I wish I said it a little differently, or I think about it differently, or I I don’t agree with how I used to think so all of that to say that a lot of times, you know, I hope that you learned so much from my guests. But I’m not saying that every, you know, phrase that they say is accurate and correct. And I endorse, I say that there’s so much we can learn from others. And there’s always elements, and you know what the only person I completely endorse is Jesus, because He is the one you can walk with. And he’s the one that you can truly rely on for guidance in all areas of your life in your marriage. But He uses people to teach you, you’ve got to trust that God’s going to guide you into the elements that he wants you to understand and agree with and pursue. But it’s not going to be 100% One person, not even yourself. So anyway, this guy Larry’s got an awesome, awesome stuff to tell us about. Okay, before I go further, let me just tell you a problem I have had since the beginning of working in this work is that people will be so excited about the material that they found it some way some Google search, some podcast search, they found it. And they’re like, I wish I could send this to a friend of mine, but it’s about sex. And they’re like, they’re gonna think I’m, you know, all these negative things for listening to this kind of stuff. First of all, I want to send kudos to every single one of you that has ever shared my stuff. Because from day one, I have never paid any kind of advertising to market, the dy M podcast and by God’s grace, this podcast is heard around the world in 155 different countries. It’s incredible. We’re closing in on a million downloads. God is so good. It’s been awarded 19th at the top 30 relationship podcasts out there. So just so you know, you guys are brave, sharing this stuff. But here’s what I wanted to do is give you another resource give you something that’s easier to send to maybe someone that’s more conservative, whether it’s a wife, maybe it’s your wife, or a friend of yours, or a couple that’s going through hard times and you’re like if only they understood how pivotal some of these truths are about intimacy, about communication about

4:44
listening about understanding each other, serving each other, being generous in the bedroom, these kinds of things. Their life would look so different. So what I’ve decided to develop is an answer to that, I want to give you something that’s easy for you to forward on to a friend and say, Hey, I thought of you, I think this would be cool. And it’s not something that’s like in your face about sex. So what it is, is a live webinar series that I’m doing. But you can also have the replay, the live would be far better. So if you can, I would love for you to sign up, but go to www dot delight your marriage.com/renew 2020. So here’s the the webinar series, it’s it’s called New Year, renewed connection. And again, it’s all about deeper loving relationship and true intimacy. So you can go to www dot delight your marriage.com/renew 2020. And I would love to have you there. If you’ve been a listener, if you are curious about learning more understanding more or inviting your wife to this material, and you want something that’s easier for her to digest. That’s the focus of this. And really make it like an event like, get the babysitter get take off of work, like whatever you need to do to make sure you can be there live. I would so invite you to do that. That’s going to be at the end of January. So I would love for you to do that. All right. Well, God bless. Let’s dive into this content with Larry. I think it’s gonna be awesome. All right.

6:45
All right. Welcome back to let your marriage listener I’m so glad to have you. And I’m really excited to have Larry on welcome.

6:53
Hi. Nice to be here. Thanks for having me. I appreciate that a lot.

6:57
Absolutely. Absolutely. And we’ve got a really good show. Talking about vulnerability, openness, honesty, separateness boundaries, this is going to be a really good conversation. I think, Larry, you’re gonna just bring so much insight and advice, and it’s gonna be really good for the listeners. So yeah, so what I want to do, actually, Larry is kind of bring it over to your side. And if you can just kind of give an introduction of who you are your work. And yeah, what you’re bringing towards this conversation, if you don’t mind.

7:31
So I’ve been a psychotherapist for about 40 years in the field. I got drafted into the service. And during the Vietnam era, and when I got out of the service, I went back to school, and I wanted to volunteer in the community. I didn’t really know what I wanted to do. And this radios spot came on for the rape crisis center. They were looking for volunteers. So I call, I went through a 12 week training. And I loved it. I just totally fell in love with it was hard work. It was really difficult work. I started doing the phones, manning the phones. Then I started to do going into hospital settings, and doing community outreach awarenesses, that kind of thing to schools and community clubs and organizations. And I just loved it. It was just something that I just wanted to do. I ended up going to graduate school. And when I was in graduate school, I I focused on family therapy and couples and relationships. And I just dived into it. And I’ve been doing it ever since. Shortly after graduate school, I tried to write fact I’ve tried to write this book for about 2530 years or so if not longer than that.

8:56
And what’s the book again?

8:58
independent enough? Yes, it’s a book just all about relationships, intimate relationships, relationships, about colleagues and work people and friendships and extended family and with yourself. And I just never got anything published and all that time. Then in 1991, I was diagnosed with hepatitis C, which came from my earlier drug years, which is why I got drafted in the service. I flunked out of school because of drug and alcohol abuse, and I decided in 1991 I was just going to clean my act up, get into some spirituality, get into decent eating and exercising and go perfectly clean, no alcohol, no drugs at all, until they found a cure. And in about three and a half years ago, they found a cure. I almost I every time I say that it just sort of touching for me that wow. I had been it was Fantastic. I’ve been in a couple of treatment protocols, it just about killed me with interview Robin there and they just horrible, horrible. And then this thing was just a pill I took over two weeks, and it was gone. And I felt like I had, I had no myself for the first time in my life, I could think clearer. I had energy. And within a year and a half, I had the book published, and I’m on my way, it really that’s huge. It’s incredible. He really has been. So that’s my story. Yes. How the book got where it’s at at this point?

10:36
Well, I love the title of, it’s just fantastic. I want to hear where the title came from curious.

10:43
So a lot of the work I’ve done early on in my career with relationships and families is that the family systems theory is that pathology or dysfunction comes from dependency, what you need to do is you need to break away from your family of origin and become independent. Since then, and in our culture, in American culture, independence is the thing, you know, I can be independent, and I need to be independent, I don’t need anybody’s help kind of thing. And over the over a decade or so I bought it. And then I started to realize that couples don’t work like that. There’s a lot of dependency in couples a lot of dependency, and it’s not a problem. Problem at all, like Honey, where’s the hammer, and my wife doesn’t mind giving me the hammer, she gives me a hammer and I’m off and running. It’s not a problem. The only the place it becomes a problem is when the dependency creates conflict. Or when it gets in the way of me trying to accomplish relationship goals. And so it’s not about being independent, it’s about being independent enough, that when we run into conflict or difficulties in our relationships, rather than the intimate relationships or friendships, or at work, or wherever it happens to be, when we run into that conflict, it’s about taking a step back, and being independent enough. And that’s where it comes from. to do some self reflection isn’t always about the other person out of our heads. Because that’s what we do all the time. We are constantly blaming other people taking inventory, analyzing him knowing that they’re the source of our unhappiness. But when we can take that step back and clear our head, and do some self reflection, and see who we are being in the context of that conflict in relationship. And it’s not judgmental, it’s not critical. It’s not like analyzing, like psychotherapy or anything, it’s just figuring out what we’re doing in relation to other people or the other person. Once we do that, let’s say I’m being too passive, then I can make some decisions that I’m going to try to be more assertive. So then I step back in the relationship, and I try to be more assertive, and I keep going back and forth like that. And that’s the independent enough piece it happens is that as I go and continue to do that back and forth, I grow as a person. Mm hmm. My issues that come up with my wife, or my boss, or my colleagues, or, or my kids or whoever it happens to be our issues I’ve carried with me my whole entire life. They just come up, the closer you are in relationship to people. And as they come up, that gives me an opportunity to grow. As I grow, the relationship grows. Awesome. And that’s how I’ve been able to establish a 35 year marriage that is, I think, is the love of my life. Anyway, I’m in love to anybody, so much as I love Germany at this point. And it hasn’t been easy. But it’s been that process of back and forth, and my own personal growth. Because as I grow, I read the relationship in the direction I want. And she has a choice, she can grow with me or she can decide not to grow with me.

14:21
Yeah, so okay, really, really good insights here. I think some of the things I really love that you said so far, is that it’s not that you need to be independent completely. It’s that you need to be enough so that there’s a separateness that you have a space almost between the two of you where you can reflect and say, Who am I being in this conflict? Who am I? It what ownership do I need to take of this and how can I be different in a way that’s actually going to be productive and help us move forward? And that process, you said, grows us this back and forth of of becoming better

14:59
integrated? was the other person and we we don’t grow together, we grow like this in steps. I lead she leads I lead she leads. And that’s how it works least in in the relationships that I’ve seen that work really well. That and then given the book actually is when we first married, I’d go to sleep early and she’d stay up late. And I always felt rejected. You know, I felt like she loved me. I, you know, I said in a decent way, why couldn’t you just do what she wanted me to do? And I’d go to sleep and ruminate about why does she do this? I wish she would, she could just do this. It’s not a big deal. And she stay up late. And every time I’d bring it up to her, she’d feel criticized, as well as what I felt she felt criticized. So we argued about it. We talked about it, we cried about it. And at one point, I said to her, I said, Honey, we really need to figure this out about five or six years into our marriage. And I said, Look, I said, Why don’t we compromise? Right? Three days a week, I’ll go to sleep early. And you come to sleep with me three days a week, I’ll stay up late for you. And the seventh day is a Saturday night is not a problem whatsoever. She says great. So the very first night I go to sleep early, she stays up late. What are you about whose turn it was?

16:27
So it’s not about compromise. It’s about there and continuing to hash this out. When I was cured from the Hep C. I was lying in bed one night ruminating like I always say because she wasn’t coming asleep. And I said to myself, What is this about Larry? What? Why can’t? And then I realized why can’t I go to sleep? Why do I need a teddy bear next to me? What is the problem here? And I was acting like a little kid. And so I had to take the thumb out of my mouth. You got to start growing up here a little bit, Larry. Yeah, from there, I started to grow. And at this point, we don’t have the issue.

17:06
Isn’t that amazing? Isn’t that amazing? I love that it really turns into this. You know, it goes from this focus on what she’s doing wrong to how can I be better? How can I be satisfied in this moment? How can I be a person that’s actually going to attract my wife and be like, I’m a great person to hang out with, because I’m so great all by myself. So

17:29
it actually really does work like that. Not that that’s my purpose. But that’s what happens. And and same, I see her grow, she becomes more attractive to me. I mean, if you think when you first meet your partner, generally speaking, or colleagues or friends, you look at them from afar. You know, you’re not offended at all, you’re looking at their quality, but boy, do I, I want to get to this woman. Yeah, me and she’s going boy, I’d really like to get to know this guy. But here at a time, you just get so enmeshed with each other, right? Trying to feed each other’s needs kind of thing. That you lose that distance that space that you talked about. Yeah, that space between the two of you. And it’s that space. We can really grow love. You can’t have love in your face. You can love with the space. Yes. I love that love. Yeah.

18:25
So So here’s an interesting piece here. Um, because I so I still hear that and this is something that I kind of philosophically have been turning in my head so I’m curious your thoughts? Right, there’s there’s a level of separateness, as well as. So here, okay, so I’ll start by saying it this way, I think, here’s the cliche, I hate. I was just being honest. I’m just honest. I, okay, you’re shaking your head to tell me what your thoughts are. Because clearly, we’re both on the same side here. It’s

19:05
all about being honest. And it’s not about being myself, you know, being in a relationship. I mean, if there’s no way she should accept me for who I am would be a huge mistake. Honesty is not about self reflection. Honesty is not it’s not about going deeper into yourself, to figure out what part you’re playing. I often tell us tell a couple. It’s not a 5050 proposition. It’s 100 100 proposition. So I’m going to my 100 and just by being honest, that’s not my you know, if my honesty creates problems or difficulties, then what is the purpose of honesty? You missed the boat, it’s about it’s about taking a step back and doing the self reflection and making those kind of growth decisions that really created That’s a great way the honesty piece that you brought up. That’s one of the many myths that people live by it just tanks relationship. Just being honest. Right? And it just, it just misses the boat. There’s so many different levels of communication and dynamics that go on between two people, you have to figure out yourself. It’s not Theodore Roosevelt, Eleanor Roosevelt once said, that, it’s not about finding the right person, it’s about being the right person. And the honesty is being the right person, but maybe, honestly, is not being the right person. Maybe what your stick is, there’s a lot of books out there that tell us how to be in relationship. And I just think it misses the boat. Because every relationship that I’ve ever seen in the 40 years of doing this is different than the other relationships. I’ve never seen, like snowflakes, I guess, I’ve never seen two relationships the same. And I got into what works for one relationship just doesn’t work for other relationships. So you got to do this self reflection to figure that out. So honestly, it just, I just like you like cringe every time. It doesn’t work.

21:15
Yeah, so. So I I’m not I’m, I’m on board with you. It so much. And then there’s this other element, right? of vulnerability. And have this be aware of, of opening yourself up to intimacy in the emotional sense and physical sense. And it’s kind of like, did, I don’t know that there’s this, there’s this contrast, that’s like, well, in one way, you’re being the best you you can be for your spouse, with the self reflection with the growth piece with. And then another way is there’s this element of needing your spouse to help you be the best that you can be because you’re a weak human. And you know, you’ve got these problems and tell me your thoughts on are you seeing kind of a mismatch? Or how are you feeling about it,

22:14
there’s a, there’s a couple things you brought up. Let’s start with intimacy. I went to a workshop years ago, and this man, the presenter breaks up the word intimacy into me, I see. So intimacy between two people is looking at myself. It’s not particularly in conflict, or let’s say, I want more intimacy, or let’s say, I’m afraid of intimacy, or I’m afraid of being vulnerable. It’s not about asking my wife to help me get stronger. It’s about Larry, looking inside and figuring out what do I need to do to get stronger. So then I can hold her hand in public, so I can lie next to her and spoon so I can, I can have deep conversations with her, right so I can get conflict. So my stick is when I see conflict, I run the other way. whatsoever. So I had to learn how to be stronger. So I can stand in my own right, during our conflict, and that’s intimacy. But only after I look at myself, I can’t ask her to help me through that. Yes, I am weak as a human, no question about it. But the question is, what do I need to do to be stronger? Not perfect. Not the strongest in the world. Not always vulnerable and always do it right. But what I need to develop to get that strength so I can be more vulnerable. If I rely on her. It my tip, my experience is that if I rely on her, it increases the conflict.

23:44
Hmm, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I do hear you. I am. Oh, tell me. Yeah, so I’m just curious because I know that there’s an element of, of emotionally disrobing, right of being free with yourself that allows you to have a joyful existence together, fully unified, fully connected. In a good sense, rather than an dependence sense, I guess. But um, so there’s an element of for example, I’ll just tell on myself, because I like to do that in this podcast. Um, so I have been an overeater, emotional eater for so much of my life and bulimia when I was in college and things like that, but luckily, I’ve got so much more freedom than I’ve ever had in my life, but even up two years ago, even up two months ago, maybe the last year or last year or whatever, I would over eat and emotionally and It wasn’t until I, like, you know, would get to a place where I’d be like, Honey, I just ate all the Cheetos again. And it’s vulnerable. It’s annoying, it’s annoying that he has to live with me and I’m a slob or whatever. Um, but a sharing connects me and actually helped me to him not judging me and making me feel less than or smaller all that actually gave me so much more power to get to a healthier place.

25:39
Right. So then you do your work at realizing the bag of Cheetos is not good for you. You do that independently from him? Right? And then you think I’d really like some support around this. So you become disrobed. And you use you put it out on the table for your husband. Your husband responds and caught, he doesn’t tell you what to do. He does, maybe rubs you back. Maybe he just listens, maybe shakes his hand like we’re shaking our head. Yeah. purposeful intent for him to listen, and to be there for you. Right? All’s well with the world that works. That works tremendously. The process you just described happens at times, though, is that if I eat that bag of Cheetos, and I go to hurt my wife for support, and she goes, God, how come you keep doing that? We’ve talked about this a million times. That’s oftentimes right. Yeah, I tried to solve it for you, then you’ve got that conflict. In that in in that you’ve shared a vulnerability, but you feel slighted or hurt by sharing that audibility. Now you’ve got to go back in yourself and figure out, alright, what do I do? What’s my next step here? Do I talk to him about how we communicated? And how it didn’t work to me? Do I realize that this is one area, I can’t rely on my husband and I need to develop a community around me, you know, I need to do if I don’t get what I need from him. So again, the scenario you just painted? Is the dependency that worked? Gotcha. Not an issue, not a problem. When you go to him, and it doesn’t work, then you’ve got the conflict. Is that deeper, and you need to do you figure out, you know, and you know, it’s not all about being vulnerable. There are times when we need to be vulnerable, entitled, do we not do not need to be vulnerable? I mean, you. Here’s a family therapist, her name was Olga Silverstein. And she said, sometimes you just got to know how to give the pointer finger. And she’s the pointer finger is That’s enough. Not about being vulnerable. So let’s say hypothetically, you want to cheat you eat Cheetos, you go to him and you say to him, honey, this is what I did. I feel really bad. I feel empty. I feel shamed. I feel guilty. And he goes, Well, how come and you go, that’s enough. I can’t go there. That’s not what I need. I need something else from you. See, so you’ve got all the ability to being somewhat slapped with that to a position of strength and you might have to like give it a day or so to really think about it and then approach it again. But it’s sometimes it’s important to put that that that pointer finger out go no, no, no, no. That’s not what this is built. That’s not what I want. Yeah, good. And

28:40
I yeah, I love it. I love it and and here’s what I’m couple pieces I wanted to pull out from that is you’re saying that it’s essentially you’re defining what’s working by like, did it work in the relationship? Well, that example it did it is working there’s that that was a safe place to be vulnerable. The dependency is working out we are growing separately. I did do some work on my own part. He did his own work on his own part. We grow together now I don’t over eat any Cheetos anyway, you know, there’s that right. Um, but the other thing I really liked that you said is there was a stark break between her vulnerability, his negative response and her saying, I that’s not what I need right now, then a break, maybe couple days right before going back to that that view

29:35
because that what that break does is the conflict, all conflict comes from dependency. But not all dependency creates conflict. So the dependency you just talked about it not create the conflict. But but if you go to the person and they don’t give what you need, you’re being dependent on them to give it to you. Right? And so you may need a day or so to take that step back to pull yourself together to get yourself whole not not to ruminate about him not to complain about him not to go to people and say, Oh, I can’t believe my husband, such distract me. Really get a distance. Right? So you can pull yourself together in a whole stance. So then you can go back to him and approach him in a way that stronger. Yeah. Around that vulnerability.

30:26
Yeah, I love it. Okay, so I’m curious, you mentioned this very important phrase, all conflict comes from dependency.

30:40
Absolutely.

30:42
Trying to think about that. I’m sure you’ve got a million examples. If I were to try to argue with you and say, No, I haven’t thought it through. But if I were to say no, what is your response?

30:55
I would like you to say that, okay, no, we don’t like to think that we’re dependent people. Nobody likes the word dependency. Just like they don’t like the word victim. You know, it couples. It’s the one word, there’s two words I never ever use, because I’ve learned that once you bring up dependency, they go knock me off, I’m strong, I get work, I make money, I can raise kids, I can do it all. Don’t tell me I’m dependent. So that whole idea of dependency really rubs people wrong. So they don’t see it in that light. They usually just see it. One, either the other person’s problem, or they criticize self. That’s the two options we mostly use. Slides husband for night given to me criticize myself that maybe I wasn’t asking, right, or maybe I need to be stronger, maybe this. So we go into this judgmental critical piece of other and self as opposed to seeing it for what it really is. I mean, look at politics. Look at the conflict around politics. The mean spirited means the anger, the the attacking, the criticisms, the biting, all that is dependency, I mean, right is dependent on what they’re dependent on the left is dependent on what they’re dependent on the middle is dependent on, everybody has a picture of the way we want it to be. And when it’s not like that, we just go. And we get in this huge conflict, as opposed to I was reading an article just the other day, by a man I can’t remember his name. 52 years old, he he was a seal in the Navy. And he just went back to Yale University to get a degree undergraduate 52 years old, wow, he talks about having been a very opinionated, political patriot. I mean, anybody said, an inch off of patriotism, he was on him, he was on him like you couldn’t even imagine. And so he goes into this liberal kind of setting. And he finds that people are kind to him, they’re decent, really appreciate his service. You know, they’re patriotic in their own way kind of thing. And he’s in his group at one point. And one of the women says, I really appreciate a safe space, a safe place. And he leaves and goes, and that’s just liberal hog manure, right safe place. But then as he drills down, he realized that what she meant a safe place is to have dialogue with differing opinions, viewpoints, personal perspectives, and building bridges between those that that’s being independent. The arguing viciousness, the attacking, we don’t see it, but that is at the root of that is actually dependency, you don’t see it my way, I need you to see it. Anytime we depend on somebody else to do something, or our well being either agree with us, or come our way or do whatever, that’s dependency. And so what he’s learned is that it’s not so much to be, it’s not so important to be dogmatic, or right, or being control. It’s more important to build bridges. And one of the things he says at the end, he says, I’m learning how to build brick by brick by brick. And this guy who’s so far out of the mainstream of what you would expect from Yale University freshmen and sophomores. But he understands that they’re not there to be right either the people he’s hanging with, they are there to bridge that gap. And that’s politics. But again, the the basis of that is the dependency we have.

34:47
Okay, so here’s what I’m hearing there is something along the lines of the dependent is my self worth is dependent on you agreeing with me or my emotions is dependent on the people liking me or theirs. That’s what it is. It’s something about me is depending on x y&z Right, is that right?

35:13
Right. And we don’t often look at it that we don’t often see that that’s what we’re doing. Because so culturally, we see it on the news. And we see it in our relationships, and you see it relationship books, and you see it in movies, and you just, and we just never take the time to go, Oh, my God, this is what I’m doing. Why am I so angry at her? Because she’s not giving me what I think I want or what I need? Uh huh. That’s dependency.

35:40
So it may beg the question at some point of, I’m sure you don’t think all conflict is wrong? Oh, no,

35:49
not at all. That’s what helps us grow. It’s the conflict, see when I do conflict with my wife, and I can take that step back, and do the self growth and then step back into the relationship I’ve grown. That’s a healthy conflict. I carry around resentment, and anger and withdrawal. I mean, you think about loneliness. I mean, there’s no place lonelier than being in a relationship with somebody. And the reason we’re lonely is because we don’t come up to the plate back away, we don’t, we get hopeless about it. And we usually get hopeless because we think the other person is not going to do what they need to do. I think that’s what that’s about. So yeah, I think conflicts Phantom, I hate it. I, I am so conflict averse, you cannot even believe it. My first reaction anytime my wife, and I keep a conflict. I didn’t want to run out the door, I swear it just it just my instinct. Because I came from a very abusive relationship. My dad beat me up, my mom used to scream and yell at me all the time. And so if anything happens, that comes close to conflict, I just want to run. But I know that if I hang in there, and do this process that we’ve talked about, I’m going to be better, she’s going to be better. And our relationship is going to be deeper, more intimate, more loving, and more companionship.

37:21
I love that. Well give us if you could think of some you know, if we can maybe say three top guidelines of healthy conflict, what would you say? What can you so maybe some top your most important rules to make sure your your conflict is healthy, it’s healthy. Mm hmm.

37:44
So in one rule, is to realize that in intimate relationships, you very seldom ever resolve anything.

38:01
They’ll be three or four key issues like the money, power, being late going to sleep together sexuality, you know, this big topic, right. And what we do is we enter conflict as a way of solving that if I act a certain way, and she acts a certain way that will be good and done. And that’ll be the end. Right? So one rule is not to look at conflict as being resolvable. It’s looking at conflict as evolving the conflict. So I gave you an example of going to sleep together, right? Most of time, it’s not a problem. But there are days, right, where my wife may stay up for a week and a half, and I go to sleep. And I’m starting to feel it again. And I need to rise to the occasion again, but that the communication between the two of us doesn’t look now, what it looked like 10 years ago, what it looked like 20 years ago, what it looked like 35 years ago, we have evolved the conflict, which means we have evolved our relationship. And we have evolved that individually as well. And the intimacy between the two of us. So my first rule, forget it, you’re not all of it, but evolve it because I can tell you a quick story. My my mom and I used to art and my mom and dad used to argue a lot about the way he ate. I mean, he hardly we didn’t have a lot of money grew up but he she would buy sometimes Delmonico steak and back then down Monika steak was it right like once in a blue moon, and she gave it to him and he go into the refrigerator, and he dad and he get a bottle of ketchup and he douse it on and they’d be off and running. It’d be this like huge argument and eventually he had a heart attack. You know, she was really on top of him. So two days before he died. He’s in the hospital room. He has his had cancer and prostate cancer wasn’t treatable back then. So he’s about half his weight. He must have been 7080 pounds. I mean, he was just a skeleton of a man. And he’s lying there. And they have this hospital food, the dinner up on this tray that crosses the bed. And he’s eaten just about everything, except that there’s this pukey green bowl of jello that I wouldn’t have eaten. It just looks so horrible. It had specks in it all kinds of stuff. The woman comes into the dinner, and my mother picks up the jello. And she puts it on the table in front of them. And she in a really loving way. She says to him, hi. He can eat the jello. And he goes in a little stronger voice, she says, Hi, you’re going to eat the jello. And a little stronger voice my father goes, I’m not eating the jello. She takes the spoon, dipped it into the jello. And she says you’re eating the job. And with as much energy not see my father and musk. He pumps up in bed sits up because I’m not even a jar. Don’t leave me alone and his plot back. And I’m looking at this. I’m going, Oh my God, he’s dying. Leave him alone for God’s sake. I could not comprehend what’s happening between just income. So two days later, he got you guys the figures somewhere between five and seven o’clock in the morning. They wait until about nine or 10 o’clock before they call my mother. They call my mother She’s upset. She needs my nephew to come get her. So she says can you keep him in the room, so I can come see him. Right. So he’s in the room and she gets here about new. Now you can imagine my father looks like death. You can imagine pale faced, blood has just drained from his extremities and from his face, his eyes are probably in his cheekbones or out. And she says to me, she says Larry, I walked into your father’s room. And I looked at him. And he looked as handsome as the first day I met him when I went over, and I kissed him on the lips. And I said hi, I will never love another man like I love you. And she walked out the door. And she tells me the story for years. So I could not reconcile what I’ve seen two days before, and the love she had for him when he died. And that’s because they never solved the eating problem. But it was a conflict that only the two of them had, it was part of their intimacy. She didn’t give a shit what we ate.

42:51
We used to eat Oreos for breakfast before. But she was an argument that only the two of them had. And they make the commitment to continue that argument even to the death. So that’s one of the rules. You’re not going to solve certain things in a relationship. But you can evolve them over a period of time. And as you evolve them and haven’t had made the commitment to those those issues. That’s a part of the bond and the true love that you have between two people. If that makes any sense.

43:30
Oh, powerful. That’s That’s awesome. Absolutely. i That is awesome.

43:36
Yeah. Took me years to figure it out. But I got it. It is

43:40
awesome. That is so powerful. That’s, that is so wise. I think it’s really good. You’re doing this work.

43:53
This is awesome. That’s why I appreciate you having me on. Because I really want to get this word out. I you know, I just think that this is the way to go about relationships as opposed to buying a lot of the mistake that people buy. Yeah, the other piece of conflict I would give as a rule is never

44:10
Yes. Never compromise. Yeah, tell me more. That’s important. Let’s hear it.

44:15
Like my wife and I go into sleep compromises and legal thing, right? I give up something that I don’t want to give up. You give up something you don’t want to give up. That’s the seed for Miss trust. Because if I give it up, I’m gonna watch you to make sure you do in your part. And you got to watch me to make sure I’m doing my part. So it really doesn’t accomplish anything. Generally speaking, in most situations, particularly long term conflict issues, it’s not going to do that. You’re just you’re not conflict, to me, is a shortcut to doing the real work we need to do in relationship. You know, like when I when my wife and I three days early, three days late kind of thing. I didn’t Want to go to sleep late, and she didn’t want to come to sleep early. I mean, it’s like we didn’t want to do it. So we continue to hash it out over 35 years. And it becomes part of our intimacy and our deep love for one another. And that’s the second rule that I would say, you just don’t compromise. It’s, it’s an easy legal fix that doesn’t work in relationships, or in work relationships, or in friendships or extended family. It just doesn’t work, to have the ability to stand in your own self, and do the conflict in a decent way. I’m not talking about abusive or domineering, or controlling, but doing conflict in a decent way, like we’ve been talking about just murders everybody, as opposed to trying to compromise doesn’t further anybody. So that’s another one, I would say.

45:52
Okay, so Oh, this is so good. Okay, so let me just say it restated to make sure I’m catching it. Um, so never compromise. In a, you’re having the conversations in a respectful, decent, low tone, we’re not screaming, we’re not arguing and in giant emotional bouts, we’re taking breaks when we need to, to make sure that we’re respectful of each other. But, um, what that does, here’s the here’s the piece, I guess I want to say is that gives us if you’ve been doing the work, right, I guess, and you’ve been doing this conflict, well, when you’re not compromising, you’re doing your work, cell phone reflecting, recognizing you need to grow in your ways. And then you trust that she’s going to do she or he you know, your spouse is going to do their work. And so, you have so often here’s, here’s what I’m guessing you’re where you’re going with this? Is that the right? Kind of, you’re going to move in a good direction. So it’s not like you have to feel like somebody’s winning or losing because somebody is growing. Right? What is it? Tell me? Is that? Yeah, right.

47:25
Yeah. I don’t trust that my wife will do what I want her to do. What are her part of this? I can’t do that, because I got her too much in my head. Yep. Personal Growth is my personal growth and conflict. So I’ve got to stay pretty much centered and grounded in myself in order to do that. But I trust that if she doesn’t do which, what I want her to do, I will then be able to go back to myself, and figure out what else I need to do, and then step back in the relationship. And when she doesn’t, and I’ll continue to do that over and over and over again. Now, if the discrepancy gets too big, if if I have grown, let’s say we meet at on a look at it as a growth scale from zero to 100. Zero being we’re a little babies, and we’re totally dependent 100 being totally independent, which is impossible. But we meet people that on very similar scale as ourselves. We don’t believe it, but it’s true. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be with somebody, you know, I look at my wife, sometimes I go on much more mature than she is. Right? So what happens is that if I grow to a 60, or 70, and she stays at a 50, our relationships not going to work out. Just not going to work out. And I think there’s two ways that people leave relationships when they break off relationships, and when they grow out of relationships. In our 25th year of marriage, my wife and I separated for 15 months, it was brutal. It was it connected. We talked, we went to therapy, we did what we needed to do, but we were just so entrenched in our own stick, and we couldn’t get out of that. So we needed to separate for this 15 months. We got back together we had a better relationship than we’d ever had before. Because we needed that distance to do that individual work. One of us had grown to the point where the other wasn’t moving. I like to say it was me she liked her, regardless, was

49:30
that conflict has continued to evolve.

49:37
Iraq was we had we were growing apart, but we said we needed to be apart. But we continue to do the work we needed to do and we got back together. We’ve been together ever since. And

49:51
do you think people can do that work without physically separating?

49:56
Oh, absolutely. No question about it. Again, I’m calling Click the verse, you know, something is not working for a period of time and I get frustrated, I just want to leave. And that’s what I did. I won’t do it again, and it’s done the arts now, I learned what it’s like to hash it out to stay engaged to make the commitment, and to learn the value to myself, value to my relationship and the value to my wife as well. This is not about being selfish by any stretch of the imagination, you’re working out what you need to work out in relation to the other person. It’s a commitment to the other person, not being selfish. Selfish is not doing the work, you know, just take care of yourself is not necessarily what you need to do. It’s about the separate self reflection to what you need to do. So yeah, I’m a believer that people can work this out without separating. Absolutely correct. Absolutely. I just, I was too stupid not to. And I think part of it was I was still, I still was carrying around a virus. I mean, had viruses are pretty silently deadly. You know, it messed up my liver. It made me depressed, I was tired and needed a nap nap. So just, I was fuzzy. I wasn’t clear. I, I couldn’t have had this conversation 10 years ago, it just wow. So it was it was that kind of thing that I just needed to get distance from, I just didn’t have the ability to do it. But stepping back into it and being cured. I had clarity of mind, and I could do what I needed to do.

51:25
That’s awesome. That’s awesome. So so one thing I wanted to ask you about is usually what happens after conflict or in conflict is we criticize the other person or we criticize ourselves. I want to ask you what, how do we instead of criticizing ourselves move into this analyzing ourselves? It seems like there’s you don’t want to be critical of yourself, but you want to observe yourself, right? independently? Or how do you how do you make sure you’re not self critical, and instead, you’re being productive in that space?

52:02
Well, I’ve had a lot of practice, so and I’ve been a therapist for 40 years.

52:08
So we have to do that in order to

52:15
a world of therapists so last thing I’d want to see. Good, okay. There’s a myriad ways of doing this. You can have close confidants that you trust, you can go into therapy, your yourself, your self help books, about how to grow yourself, self help books about critical illness and being judgmental. They’re spiritual pieces. And Christianity that Judaism is Buddhism, there’s, you know, there’s a lot of different ways that we can work the answer the answer, oddly enough, we already have. And but we have to get enough distance from ourselves to see it. Like I was sitting with a woman today. And we were talking about her relationship with her husband. And she went, ah, Aha, I got it. I just had an aha moment. She says, I want to end the session, I don’t want to go any further. that aha moment only came from our discourse. And I wasn’t telling her what to do. It was just this general conversation that was moving along, she was challenging me a little bit, I’ll challenging her, and she boom, it hit her. And it’s that kind of thing. It’s like one of the ways of doing this is that when you’re reading, even novels, but self help books, or whatever you reading, and you come across a word or sentence or a concept, and you must have happened happens to me all the time must have happened to you, where you go, Ah, yeah, that point you stop. Because that’s what you need to work on. That’s your brain telling you, ooh, this is worthwhile, me spending a few days on. And so what I do is, and David Brooks is a New York Times editor also says that what you do is that you, you, you practice, you keep something in your head for a period of time, and you practice it and you practice it and you practice it. And sometimes you slip and sometimes you’re better than other times, but it’s about making that commitment to self to practice what that ah, and usually that ah, is non judgmental, and not critical. I went to a talk once with Richard Bach, he wrote Jonathan Livingston Seagull and the love story. This was this is back in my ear, like back in the 60s kind of thing. And one of the things he said he says when he has a problem, he poses the problem in his mind, and he goes to his library, and he picks up a book and he starts reading and within a half an hour, he’s got the answer. Just getting it out. But those kinds of answers that you get either from friends, and it’s not about a friend telling you what to do. Because trust me My buddy’s got opinions all over the place, right? Some of my closest buddies are the last people I’d ever go to. So for me, I’ve got a couple good buddies that I can go to. And I can say, hey, look, I’m jammed up, and I need some help. You got a Friday night or Saturday, I can meet you for lunch or something. And I’ll go to them, and we’ll talk about it. And that helps me tease it out. Critical Illness is harsh. It’s, it’s, it’s depressing. It’s anxiety producing. It’s, it’s it’s mean spirited to self. And once you do, once you make a commitment to this journey, so to speak, you can distinguish between what’s critical, and what’s insightful, but it takes work to do it.

55:46
Awesome. Well, here’s one thing I want to circle back. And I know we’re running on time, but I want to ask you real quick, this metaphor of how, I guess growth or something, people are, whether they’re at 50, or 70, or where they are. Um, I wonder if having that in your head as you’re doing conflict, and as you’re processing and growing and these kinds of things. I think that would give me kind of like this. Maybe concern that, you know, oh, my gosh, are we are we spreading too far apart? Maybe this means I should be getting divorced, or it’s that fear of this. Whereas if I was just like, I’m going to do my part, I’m going to do the best I can. And if he comes, he can come. But if he doesn’t, I’m going to just enjoy what he does give the jello he does eat.

56:45
Right? Tell me what

56:47
you think about that.

56:49
So the way growth works, in my experience is that the same were both of 50. And I decided to become to 55. That’s going to create conflict in and of itself, people read, particularly the closer you are to somebody, you can sense a change, you can sense a growth, you can sense a movement in the other person. A lot of times if one spouse goes in individual therapy, that will scare the heck out of the other spouse, because they know they’re going to be talking about him or they’re going to be changing. Or they can do this, that and the other thing, so it’s scary. And that creates conflict. I just lost you. But he’s still there. Yeah. Okay. So can we keep doing this? Yeah, yeah,

57:29
you’re good. Keep going. Yeah.

57:30
So. So what happens is, I grow to 55. And my wife stays at 50. And that creates a certain conflict. What happens at that point is and what happens a lot of people because of exactly what you’re saying, though, your of loss of relationship. That’s why most of us don’t do this. That’s why most of us won’t grow. That’s why most of us don’t do conflict, because we’re afraid the other person not going to like us in they will ultimately leave rather be in business or work or intimacy, intimate relationships, or family or whatever it happens to be. The bottom line is it’s a psychological death of the relationship that we’re scared of. And so as I moved to 55, and she has a problem with that, and creates conflict, sometimes I’ll go, Okay, forget it. I’ll come back to 50. Yeah, right. And we’re miserable. And I know couples like that who’ve been together 3040 years, and they’re absolutely miserable with each other. It just doesn’t work at all. Because they’ve got they’ve, they’ve maintained what we call homeo status, the same place and they’re not moving. The other thing that can happen is that one person moves to 55 and then do a 60. conflict happens. But the person at the 50 goes, well, I have a much choice here. I can leave or I can go with them. And I’m going to go with them. So that person grows. That’s the process. My wife and I have taken over 35 years. It is never that two people grow at the same time. It doesn’t happen. We lead relationships to health. We don’t join into health, if that makes Well, people’s growth. The third scenario, is that good was 6070 she stays at 50 and we grow apart.

59:17
So Larry, here’s what I think. I think you’re in my conflict here is just not going to be resolved. And I’m not going to be able to compromise so there we are.

59:30
I think I think that’s perfect cuz I feel close to you. I mean, I’ve been conversation forever. Oh, man.

59:40
I had a great time. Well tell us Larry, tell us where our friends and family on dy M can, can can find you your book, that kind of thing. Because I’m sure they’re gonna want to learn more.

59:53
I have a website. It’s independent enough calm, which is the name of the book independent enough and you can go there you can download the book for free, or you can go on Amazon. And you can download it there. Or you can buy it there both on audio and in paperback as well. So you can do that i There’s also, I write a weekly blog. And that’s accessible through the website as well. And if people want to notice, they can just fill in the contact sheet. And I said, after I write the blog, and it’s up for a day, I send out a notification all the people who want me who want to be notified of the blog, so they can follow it on a weekly basis. And it’s, it’s the personal stories that I’ve just told, and but yeah, learning at the same time, and I think people generally know they share a lot, they give it to other people, they tell me they really enjoy it. So that’s another way of being in touch. The other way is I give speaking, I do a lot of speaking and if somebody wants me to come speak, they there’s a, there’s a page for speaking, engagements that they can sign and we can have a conversation about that. So those are basically the ways for listening to podcasts like yours. Awesome website as well. There’s person houses, radio spots, there’s all kinds of stuff.

1:01:07
Awesome. Awesome. Well, Larry, thank you so much. This has been really fantastic. Really appreciate

1:01:12
it. Very welcome. And thank you, you are a tremendous host. You’re terrific. People, your your your way up. There really are. So the opportunity.

1:01:26
My pleasure, thank you. Awesome, thank you so much, Larry, that was so good. I hope that you the listener have really enjoyed the conversation and gotten a lot out of it. I know that I have and just thinking about it after the conversation has been really helpful. So okay, well, in terms of coming up at the end of January, I would love for you to join me live on a webinar series if you’ve never attended one before. It’s a real treat. And people have told me even years later that that was a catalytic webinar. It was a catalytic moment for their marriage to really change things and I really am hoping and praying that it is for you as well. So you can go to www dot delight your marriage.com/renew 2020 and again, the website. The webinar series is called New Year. Renewed connection, deeper loving relationship and true intimacy. All right, God bless you. Thank you again so much. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day. We’ll talk soon. Bye

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The new year is just about upon us! But how are you prepping for it? How are you making sure you’re growing in the ways God wants you to?

In this podcast, I invite you to think about the ways God may be asking you to reflect on the year you’ve had. I encourage you to have a pen and paper handy so you can jot down what comes up for you.

Why is this a difficult task? I discuss the 3 reasons people don’t reflect, but then the way it’s vitally important if we’re going to be the people God wants us to become.

Don’t go through a difficult season and NOT learn the lessons He wants you to. You’ll just be doomed to repeat that same sad, painful situation.

But when you reflect effectively, it gives you hope, peace and faith that God is going to guide you in the next season as well.

When you go through this exercise you’ll be able to know how you should focus for the new year. I encourage you to spend the time before the new year focusing on what He wants you to.

With that in mind, I’ll be taking 3 weeks off from the podcast so I can focus and listen and plan for 2020. During this time I hope you’ll prep yourself for the new year (feel free to relisten to podcasts you may have missed or wanted to listen to again!).

I’ll speak with you in the New Year! Merry Christmas and God bless!

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage.

0:21
All right, welcome, welcome. Hi, welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. Thank you for joining me. My name is belah rose. And I would love to talk today about this year. I love this time of year, I’m looking out of my window in New York City right now, we are so blessed with a beautiful view. And I see the snow coming down. And the train is going by I’m not sure if you heard it in the distance. But it’s just, it’s so wonderful. Now, I’m not a big fan of the cold weather. That’s not actually why I love this time of year. And if I can admit something that I’m not sure if it’s allowed for any Christian to admit, but my favorite time of year like this is this is one of my favorite times of year. But it’s not because of Christmas. Actually, it’s because of New Years. Because I really love the idea of something really big and important. coming to a close, unknown close, everyone knows it’s ending 2019 Or if you’re listening to the future, maybe 2023 or 2033, or wherever. And then something brand new, starting a new, a new chapter a new opportunity to grow. And it’s not that every day is not a new opportunity it is which I love that perspective too. And I try to have that perspective. But something about the New Year in your guys’s everyone. And it’s like this communal energy of excitement to grow and change. And I love that a lot of times people have tons of health goals in the new year, and they really are gonna go keto, or they’re gonna do paleo, or they’re gonna go to the gym every day, or they’re gonna become a vegetarian, or they’re gonna drop this weight, or there’s all these things. And hey, I more power to you, I think we need to love God with all of our strength, I think that includes loving God in the way that we take care of our body. So I think that’s awesome. Get yourself healthy, good. But when it says that the the things that are seen are temporary, but the things that are unseen are eternal. A lot of that I think has to do with who we are in God, how we’re loving Him, who we are, when we’re with him, how do we understand him? What does our quiet time look like? What does our character look like? And so what I try to do in this time before Christmas, and before the new year, is I try to give myself a really good chunk of time to reflect and consider what did I learn this year? How have I grown? In what ways? Am I getting better? And then what are the gaps that I still see that are really, that are definitely there? I think there’s a lot of reasons that we don’t like to reflect. I think one is we don’t give ourselves time. We’re so busy in this time of year, just the holiday parties and the get togethers and the decorating and the places we want to go with the kids and the places we want to go as a family and vacations and on and on and on family visiting, you know plays and so there’s, there’s just so much going on, that we just don’t give ourselves that time to reflect on what has this year been about? How have I grown? What have I learned? In what ways have I changed? What has God done in my life over this past year? So we don’t give ourselves the time. The second thing is I think something about learning and growing requires us to look at the person that we used to be and that’s not always the funnest thing to do. Or the most fun to be more correct, I believe it’s not, it’s not the most fun thing to do, because you’re focusing on the person used to be, which may have looked a mess.

5:15
I remember when I really got clarity that I was a controlling wife, thanks to Laura Doyle. For those of you who are struggling with being controlling, I think Laura Doyle does a really great job of clarifying what that looks like and how to change it in her book, The surrendered wife, I think it’s a wonderful book. But anyway, through that book, it helped me to like, Wow, I did not realize how controlling I am. And of course, it’s not a Christian book, just so you know. And so there’s elements of it that I, that I don’t necessarily recommend, but there’s elements of it that are like, wow, I had no idea that fear was driving this controlling behavior that I had with my husband, and it affected my intimacy, like whoa, really did. Anyway, when I recognize that and change that, even now, when my husband and I will reflect sometimes on how I used to be, it’s still a little painful, there’s still a twinge of, Oh, I was that woman in the checkout line arguing with you about some silly thing that happened three days before, and everyone. Maybe they’re not looking, but they’re pretending not to hear. And meanwhile, my husband’s extremely embarrassed at the disrespect and the correction and the rude demeanor I had in public. So it still makes me cringe, it still makes me feel like ah, who was that woman. And so when I reflect on how I’ve grown, and what I’ve learned, sometimes there’s this element of I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to look again, at that person I used to be. One thing I try to invite people I work with, to do is a phrase that I think God gave me is to not be shackled by mistakes, but to be empowered by growth. To not be shackled by mistakes, but to be empowered by growth. So when you look at the mistakes, you give them a real good look. They should empower you. Because you’re not who you used to be. And that’s a good thing. But if you don’t spend the time to look at it, you won’t grow. You’ll think that there’s no, there’s no issue with how things were because you don’t want to look hard enough at it. And another thing is, you probably want to apologize to those who were hurt by you. And that’s important, you can’t just assume changing your behavior is enough. If you want the other person to be healed, you need to apologize. So even though that’s a yucky and messy and embarrassed, maybe humiliating feeling, but there was another person affected by this. And just by changing your behavior is not is not going to cut it. You have to apologize, you don’t have to confess your sin to be healed. So yeah, so I think the reflections, you need to make the time for number two, you need to, as I’ve talked about, you need to recognize that it’s actually a good thing. Growth is a good thing. It’s not another opportunity for you to be embarrassed of the bad choices you made in the past. It’s a good thing to realize, wow, look where God has brought me. And then I think the final thing is it’s discipline, discipline. It’s a discipline, you have to decide that. If I’m growing, it’s valuable for me to spend some time reflecting and wrestling with what God wants to teach me. See, we go through hard seasons, we all do. You have gone through hard seasons in your life and probably you can pick out times in this past year, whatever year it was, that were hard and if you don’t reflect and really wrestle with it and recognize what was God teaching me in this, what did he want me to understand? What mistake did I make that there was a reason and there was Lesson there. And that’s discipline. Because we don’t necessarily grow automatically, just because we’re going through hard seasons doesn’t mean we’re going to grow from them. It can.

10:16
But you have to spend the time reflecting, and thinking things through. We’ve all met people who are much older than ourselves, and the wisdom is not there. And the question is why they’ve had more time on this earth than me? Well, there’s plenty of reasons. One is they’re probably wiser at other things, then, then certain things then you so so that’s one thing. And in terms of, we all have our different strengths and different opportunities, those kinds of things. So that’s one. But another thing is often, some people don’t spend the time to reflect and to recognize their errors. And that’s definitely I can point the finger at myself so often, it truly is a discipline. It’s like working out, are you spending the time to reflect and wrestle with what God is teaching you in the seasons? Where has he grown you? What has he shown you? When I used to be a project manager, I would finish out a project and we would do a lessons learned call with everyone involved in the project. And so everyone’s point of view came together. And we talked through the project, we talked through soup to nuts, A to Z, how things went, what did we learn? How can we apply it to the next project? I think that’s a fantastic thing to do in your life. What are the biggest projects you took on this year? How did they go? What would you have done differently? How were your relationships this year? What would you have done differently? These are all opportunities to grow. One thing that I do is when I finish out a client, whether we’re working one on one, or whatever, we do a season reflection call with them where I talk through, you know, how was their opportunity of growth? What was their changes? Like? How was it for them? And I personally do that I personally think about how was I as a coach? Did I support them the best? What were some some really great things I did as as their coach as their supporter, and encourager, and all these things. What were some things I could have done better on? How should I prepared better? How could they have gotten more out of my work? What was where could I have improved as, as my part of the puzzle? Right, and obviously, there’s boundaries to that, you know, I can’t drive the boat for them, right, they’ve got to drive their own boat, but I can, I can be a better coach, in every situation, there’s growth opportunity, and we need to be looking for that. So number one, make the time number two, recognize it’s going to be worth the uncomfortable feelings, it’s, it’s worth being empowered by the growth. And number three, it is a discipline, it is a discipline to really look at it. So here’s what I want to invite you to do is to do some, some really practical reflections. So the first one, if you have your journal Open, sometimes people listen to this while they’re commuting to work or from or doing all sorts of errands and stuff. So I get it. But maybe what you’ll want to do is at least pause this and say it out loud. So you’ve articulated it at least. But yeah, this might be a really good exercise for you to actually write out to get the most value out of this exercise. But anyway, in this year, again, if you’re listening to this, in the future, this may be an audio that you’ll want to listen to every year. So you have something that you actually reflect on every year. But the first question I want you to answer is what have I learned? Now that’s a giant question. So let’s break it up into categories. I like to think about the first greatest commandment Love the Lord your God with all your heart with all your soul with all your mind with all your strength. So let’s break that up. How have I What have I learned in loving Lord my God with all my heart? What have I learned in loving Lord my God with all my heart? What does that mean? So a heart is emotions, feelings. That includes what’s causing those emotions. Maybe you started working with a therapist, and you knew you needed to for a long time. And you started that. I think that included what you learned through that process. What did you learn in,

15:12
in learning to deal with emotions? Or how to respond to emotions? Or what to do instead of responding to certain things in certain ways, all of that? So what did I learn? In loving God with all my heart? The next one is what did I learn in loving God with all my soul? So soul, I believe, includes personality, I believe that also includes your desires, your goals, your inclinations, even the who you take yourself to be. So what did I learn in that? So maybe you learned more boundaries? Maybe you learn to say no, maybe you learned to have your quiet time with God. There’s all sorts of things. So what I learned in loving God with all my soul, what did I learn in loving God with all my mind? So these are maybe books that you’ve read that helped you to understand truths about God, maybe these are Bible studies you went to or you started yourself, because you couldn’t find a Bible study. So you’re like, Okay, I’m going to start it with me. And one other person, I did that recently. And so now, me and one other person are doing our Bible study. And God willing, more will come. But if not, it’s going great, because we’ve got the Bible, and it’s really great. The next thing is, how do I love the Lord my God with all my strength? And I talked about that just a moment ago, but that includes how you’ve done it physically? What has your physical routines been? Like? Maybe morning and night routines? sleeping, eating drinking water? What How have you grown this year? What have you learned? The next one is loving your neighbor as yourself. So that includes your marriage, that’s the first neighbor, hopefully, right next to you on the side of the bed. What have you learned? So? What does that meant? Has intimacy grown for you both? Or has it? Have you learned more about yourself and intimacy? Have you kept boundaries around your intimacy and your thought life and not gone towards pornography or crushes with people that have been around you? Or have you learned that you can deal with emotions around intimacy in a certain way that’s more healthy? Or have you learned things from my podcast that has grown you around intimacy and thinking through how you’ve served your spouse and how you’ve loved them? Have you loved them? Well, what have you learned around all that? How have you grown? The next one is your kids, if you have kids, that’s, you know, they’re in your charge? Those are? Those are the people, the people that the children that God wants you to steward? How have you disciple them? How have you grown in that? Next one is the next closest relationship that might mean you being a son or daughter to your parents? Or a brother or sister to your siblings? How is that relationship? And how have you learned and grown in that? And then maybe that’s maybe the one after that is your ministry? So everyone’s ministry is different? Maybe that looks like a official 501 C three, ministry, where you’ve got the cross on the the logo, and it’s very clearly defined as a Christian organization. Or maybe it’s your work life and the people at work that see you every single day. What does it look like loving the people that you love and are in your care? That when you get to heaven? God’s gonna be like, so I put these people in your assignment? How did you do? So? Be really honest with yourself and think through how did i What did I learn and grow in, in this area? With the people that I’m supposed to love? Maybe you’re a pastor, there’s lots of pastors that listen to this. Thank God. I’m super honored if you listen, it’s just wonderful. Anyone who listens, I’m super honored. But those of you that reach out to him, he’s a lot. But yeah, so how have you loved those people? How have you grown in that in love in that way? And then other relationships in your life? Maybe your physical neighbors, the people, you having contact with even strangers? Oh my gosh, I had a very strange interaction with somebody the other day

19:59
in that day I was just like, whoa, Bella, look at your character. So what happened was, my mom came to visit was really great. She parked in a parking garage, because you know, street parking, New York City, not the best. So anyway, she parked in a parking garage, you don’t find out the amount that you have to pay until they come and calculate how many hours you’ve been there with your car. And so he calculated it, and my mom had just taken money out of the ATM, so she could pay for it. And it was like, it was like, you know, the total, and $3. And it was like, Whoa, uh, you know, she had just 20s from the ATM. So she gave it to him. And he was like, Well, I, you know, I need the $3. And he doesn’t have any change. And he was frustrated us for not having changed it. It was like, well, there was no way for us to know what, what the money would have been like before we got there. So how would we know what change to bring? And there was no sign that said you needed exact change? And what are we going to go do? How are we going to go get the change? So I just responded to him in a very, like, negative way. very negative. And I was shocked. I was you know, I felt indignant at the moment. And then within half a second, I was like, the Holy Spirit was just like, Whoa, that was ridiculous. So I apologize to him. Because it’s not like, he had a great day being up all night watching these cars at a 24 hour parking garage. Like it’s not like, you know, he’s enjoying a spa. And he has every reason to have this sunshiny wonderful attitude. I needed to have compassion on him and recognition and tried to see how we could sort this out. And in any case, it was really, you know, as good I apologize to him. I apologize to my mom, I just was like, how am I here talking to you and do I am day in day out about character. And then this is what happens. Now, I didn’t give the enemy a foothold to condemn me. And shame me about this and make me discouraged and all those things, but it did like shake me of like, okay, let’s be much more concerted, consistent here. No hypocrisy, you know that God just wants my, my character, he wants my knee to love people, regardless, how can I do that? How can I be a witness to my own mom about that. And anyway, the good news is, when you apologize, that’s immediate, that’s an immediate thing that, you know, shows the humility and the, and the repentance and all those things. So hopefully, that’s an encouragement to you that when you do, you know, just need to put your foot in your mouth immediately. You can apologize right away. But yeah, that, you know, how have you learned in those ways? What is that bringing up for you, as you’re thinking about each of these different roles in your life? How have you learned how have you grown? So I got the opportunity, or I made the opportunity right, to, to do some of this work this morning. And I definitely have more work to do. But one thing that in a more open ended question of what have I learned? Well, the value of slowing down, and the importance of not being impulsive, because every time that I notice, I’m impulsive, I generally realize that I haven’t thought things through I didn’t spend all the effort and time thinking something through. And and that’s a big deal. That’s a really big deal. So slowing down, and the value of my time alone with God, I can never I never can get that anywhere any other way. It has to be me and God, I can’t distract myself out of the importance of my relationship with God, it’s never gonna go away. You know, ultimately, it’s going to be me and him face to face in eternity. You know, at the judgement, Judgement Day. It’s gonna be me and him. You know, he’s a good father who loves me. But he he has an assignment for me. He has the talents he’s given me. Right, if you’re familiar with the parable of the talents,

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like he has plans for us in this earth. Now, you don’t want to view him as this harsh taskmaster as the gentleman who was only given one talent. Because if you view him that way, Then it’s going to discourage you that you, you can’t even do anything. And so you should just bury the one talent. Rather than those that were given the 10 talents, they know that they, they recognize the value of what they were given. And they recognize that they could do something with this, that God wants them to do. What he wants them to do in this. And so I just want to encourage you that, you know, this reflecting opportunity that you have before the new year, or even several days after the new year, or any time of the year, whenever you listen to this, you can always start over. But give yourself the time to really reflect. For me it, it needs to happen before the new year, that’s when the energy and the excitement is there. That’s when I like it the most. Or I also do this process right before my birthday. Because it’s a new year for me. So anyway, what this process does is then inform what your goal should be in the next year. Because it helps you to see like, Whoa, there are some gaps in my character that I need to be addressing. And so what I have done is list out the things that I’ve learned. And then on the other side, write out character gaps. So this one with the car parking garage man, character gap is impatience, or feeling like someone else should be taking responsibility for what’s theirs. I think that’s true. But how do I say it? How do I do that in a loving way? How can I pause? What’s my priority to support others, there’s so many aspects of that that really had I slowed down and not been rushing, I would have been able to see, I would have been able to see so often we rush. And that makes us act in ways that are completely outside of our values. And we just live like that. And we don’t love well, because we’re rushing, that is not a good excuse. So yeah, so character gaps on the left you what you’ve learned on the right, another part of the page you write out what as you’re, as you’re writing out the things you’ve learned, right out what are some of the goals that you might want in the new year. Now, hopefully, you’ve already done the work of figuring out longer term life goals. If not, that’s definitely something that you’ll want to be thinking about. But you know, God also changes those, as we live our lives, he tweaks those, he impacts those, he helps us to know what’s first, second or third. Luckily, by God’s grace, life is long. And so you have decades to, quote, accomplish the things that you’ve set out to accomplish. So, gaps and character, big, big deals, so definitely have that as prime priority. Before let’s say write a book or you know, learn another language or these other things like your character is huge. And it’s going to impact the effect that you have on on the world. And I think another thing I want to say is the fact that you we all want to impact the world, right? We all want to do something big for God. That’s that’s kind of what people want. Nowadays in our, in our culture, I guess. I remember spending some time with God, not too long ago. And I just remember having this dialogue with him and being like Lord, in Your Kingdom, I just want to be sweeping the streets. I just want to be sweeping the street, the one street you have picked out for me, that’s what I want to be doing. When I was in India, many years ago, they had just recently outlawed the caste system. And what that is, is you’ve got the upper class people the sorry upper caste people, which include the Brahmins, which are like the priests, and generally it was even the lighter skinned Indians, and eventually and it was all by

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her hereditary what family you were born into, but because they believe in Hinduism, it would all be about where you were born into because their belief system is based on your past life determines your current life. So obviously you must have been good in your past life to be born into an upper caste family. But then those who are in the lower caste, it’s the same way they must have done bad things in their past life. So now in this life, their lower caste. And so they even have so far that it’s the untouchables, which means people can’t even touch them, because they, that’s their, their lowest caste. And then even below that is the unlockables, which would come out at night, as no one could even look on them. They were so low in terms of their cast, kind of like class here, but their cast. And something about that memory of the way that they had. Now, obviously, I haven’t been back in years, but were kept up on the culture. But even when it was outlawed, that was still a big part of their culture, because it had been around for so long. And it was supported by the popular religion. So maybe it’s officially not allowed. But unofficially, there’s still definite aspects of that in the culture. If there’s any Indians that are listening, I would love to be corrected by that. So feel free if you’d like to email me belah at delight your marriage.com It’s a beautiful, beautiful country, in so many ways. I love the Indian people. But just like any culture, we have our, our sad realities. And I think that’s, that’s one in there’s so, but I remember I was thinking about this while I was praying to God, and I was just like, Lord, I want to just be that person that comes out in the middle of the night and, and sweeps the streets, one of those unlockables in your kingdom, like, I don’t need, I don’t need anyone to hear my voice or see my face, or I just want your work to be done through me. I just want to get my street swept. And it was very inspiring. There were a couple of years that I cleaned houses. As a college educated woman, I cleaned houses because of just certain circumstances, that was the best fit for us at the at the time. And it was very humbling, because, you know, I’m working in people’s homes, you know, they’ve got really great stuff in there. And I’m just cleaning their house. And it was amazing, because I was able to actually use that time in a beautiful way. Some of my favorite books I’ve ever read, I actually listened to while I’m vacuuming carpets and cleaning, you know, dust bunnies, from under sofas, and washing laundry, and all of these things, but it was a really important season in my life. And God taught me a lot washing, you know, cleaning toilets, and just this, this was the work I was supposed to

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do. And I was happy doing it. And it was even a lot of exercise. It was good exercise. So God really did a lot.

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He showed me a lot. He taught me a lot during that season. And I think that I want to encourage you that if you’re in a season where it feels like you’re in the, what they call, I just learned about this. Shout out to my new friend who might be listening. But anyway, she taught me about this, but the the Bethlehem season of David’s life where he was the shepherd, and all he was doing was watching the sheep. You know, he was growing in God he was he was spending time with God he was growing in his confidence as well. Like he killed the lion and, you know, protected his sheep from wild animals and you know, other people that wanted to take his sheep and all sorts of things. You know, he was but he was he was living a hard life. Living with sheep out in the wilderness is not an easy thing to do. So if that’s what your year has been like, or where you are right now, I want to encourage you and help you to think about that God actually he’s doing that he’s got a purpose for you in that season because a David not had that season of growth in God and strengthening in God. Him then becoming this, this character of fame when he conquered David, sorry, when he conquered Goliath, and even being anointed king, even though he knew there were better things in his life, that time of smallness and faithfulness for David was so important for him to do the rest of what God wanted him to do. So, so yeah, I want to encourage you that I want to encourage you to have a conversation with God that am I supposed to have a small season? Right now? Maybe my season right now is the smallness is the diligence is the faithfulness of being that stay at home mom and in teaching my children, what it looks like to be wise and loving and kind and diligent and faithful, and loving, and firm and have boundaries and all these things. Even though that’s extremely difficult work. But is that the smallness of the season that God’s asking of you right now. Or maybe it’s just drudging it out in a very difficult job. Or maybe it’s focusing on this small startup that is in your heart to birth, or ministry that you’re going to be doing part time maybe for a while, even though it’s taxing on you. And there’s time commitment, and there’s all of these things, maybe it’s taking on a foster child or adopting, or all sorts of ways that God wants. And that’s going to be a lot of work, and it’s going to be hard. But understanding what is his season for you? You know, your goals should definitely, definitely, definitely be informed by God’s heart and what he wants, if you don’t be like the people of this land, the people of the world that their goals are about fame and fortune. Okay? When the whole world but lose your own soul, that’s not what this is about. So I want to challenge you to have that kind of posture of your heart, to just be the one that sweeps the street that you have been assigned to do what God wants you to do, regardless of everything else. And I felt in that moment when I was praying to God, like what that looks like for me, because we do have our separate assignments, we cannot compare ourselves to others. And that’s a gap in my own character that I wrote down. It’s comparison. That’s something I need to focus on, to root out to ask God to help me with because that is envy. I mean, that’s literally just equivalent to adultery and murder. The 10 commandment makes it very clear that envy and comparison is not okay. Because he has a specific assignment for each of us. So what is mine look like? What does sweeping my street in the kingdom of heaven?

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look like? While I’m here on earth? What is that actually? About my little street in the middle of the night? Where no one’s watching? What should that be? What should yours be? So do this spend the time doing your reflections? What have I learned? How have I grown in loving the Lord? Oh, my God, with all my heart, with all my soul with all my strength with all my mind? How have I learned how Have I grown in loving my neighbor as myself? That includes my wife, my kids, my ministry, my workplace and beyond? And then what is the season I’m moving into? What are the goals of that season? What should they be, and really giving God the opportunity to speak to you slowing down having time this is not a 20 minute exercise, it should start that way. Don’t feel like you have to spend three hours doing this you can if that’s the way your mind works, but for me, I like to jot things down. You know, start something, develop it a little bit. Then the next time as my mind and heart and prayers kind of been percolating on it. Come back. Think about it some more. Just let this process be iterative. And so now it’s I’m recording this mid December. You’ve got a whole nother couple of weeks. To get this accomplished before January 1, and I want to encourage you give yourself a time limit of when you want to really have this document accomplished. And have yourself set up for that. That time, but what I encourage you to do is invite others to think about this with you. Easiest thing to do, excuse me is to, for them this podcast episode, and ask them to see if they wanted to do this exercise. And then after you guys can come together and talk about it. And, and one thing that I do is I always talk about it with my husband. This is an exercise I do. It’s not one that he does, but it’s one that I do. And I always love to get his insight and his feedback. And you know, he, we talk about these things together, but not necessarily is he doing his own thing like this. And that’s because we’re different. We’re different. If you’re listening to this, and this is resonating with you, then maybe this is what God is wanting you to do.

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So yeah, but having that accountability, someone who’s involved in your life and who you’re meant to meet. You know, God didn’t leave us on this earth alone. Jesus left his disciples together. He wanted them to be a church. He didn’t say Go, go do this by yourself. He never did that. He only sent them at least two by two. So I would invite you to find another person that you can share this kind of stuff with, and talk about it, pray about it. Maybe meet right after you listen to this, and then go away, do your thing over the next couple of weeks meet again, think about this as what this is where I am. This is the this is the small street, I feel like God wants me to be cleaning in the middle of the night. Over this next quarter, in 20, the very next the next season coming up in my life. Alright, well God bless you. Thank you for listening. Let me pray for you. Father, I pray in Jesus name for the person that’s listening. God you have brought them through a lot this year. Maybe many of the things no one even knows aside from them. I ask Lord in Jesus name that this process of reflecting would be a process of growing in you of becoming closer to you becoming more like you seen their life through your eyes. God, thank you for your love, that you are edifying and changing us day by day. Thank you that you do not condemn us. Lord, it’s your kindness that leads us to repentance. So I pray in Jesus name that as they’re reflecting and spending this time that you would give them the grace to really see what you see. And I pray that any nugget from this conversation that you need them to remember is what they would remember. And Holy Spirit, just wipe away anything that wasn’t for them. That didn’t matter. That was just my absent minded thought, or misinterpretation of my thought, or my own misinterpretation of your word or understanding Scott, and I pray that what would stay with them God is what your Holy Spirit wanted. Or even just the memories that it conjured up, or the thoughts that conjured up in them that were completely separate from the things I said that God, you can take my meager and small words, and you can make it large in their life of what you want it to be, Lord, that You would get all the praise and glory in this season, Father, that we would turn our eyes to towards you for many, many different reasons. We love you. Amen. Alrighty, wonderful. Well, something I should have mentioned at the beginning, but I am actually taking a three week leave from dy M. Basically, to do this kind of work. To prep for the new year. I’ve got several different pursuits of learnings and growth. And I have some really cool content coming for you in the new year. But I want to make sure I’m recharged. I want to have rest. But I also want to have time to read specific books and go through specific things that are important, I think, to the next season in my work with you. And so I won’t be posting another podcast until probably mid January, something like that. So anyway, I want to give you that time to do this kind of work. There’s plenty of podcasts for you to listen to that. Maybe you haven’t gotten to yet or maybe you’ve wanted to listen to a second time and you just haven’t. So you’ve got Got a couple weeks to go back and listen. But no matter what, thank you so much for being a listener this year. It’s just incredible. It’s incredible. So many of you have shared this podcast. I’m so honored. I’m so so grateful. And I do pray that it would bring you closer to the Lord Jesus, that it would help you to walk closer with him that would help you to love other people better and more, and to grow closer to your spouse to understand the way intimacy is according to God’s will. So yeah, thank you. It’s been a wonderful it’s been amazing year. In so many ways, it’s been hard in so many ways. It’s also been incredible in so many ways. Will God bless you and I look forward to talking to you in the new year. Goodbye. Take care, love, Love you

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It’s that time of year. Happiness and fun and joy is expected.

Is it reality for you?

Do you have joy in your heart?

CAN you have it?

I want to talk about this because the holidays can be extremely difficult. And I want to invite you to think about the things you can do even today that will change your perspectives.

How do you make your life aligned with your deepest values and highest vision? I speak specifically about tools that will help you get there.

If you’d like the Prioritize Your Life chart I talk about you can email me at belah at delightyourmarriage.com

If you’d like to listen to an extremely inspiring story of marriage and love, check out this podcast with Joni Eareckson Tada – When Disability Challenges Your Marriage

I’d love to have you on my 3-part Video Training that will be up for a limited time: The 3 Keys To Seductive Confidence

Happy Thanksgiving!

PS Don’t forget to sign up for the video training! The 3 Keys To Seductive Confidence

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. He they’re Welcome. Welcome. This is belah rose. And I want to thank you so much for joining me today. So I want to talk about happiness. I think there’s a ton of cliches around it. And I also think that there are a lot of negative notions in the Christian church around happiness. And I guess I want to give my take on happiness given that this is Thanksgiving, week, and happy Thanksgiving is what we often tell each other. Or another time we say Happy New Year. Happy Easter, there’s lots of times in our around the the year that we do say happy. Now before I get too deep in here today, I want to talk about three part video training that I’ve actually put together. And I would love for you to be part of it. It’s called the three keys to seductive confidence. Now, I’ve been talking about seduction for a while now. I’ve been asking for your opinions, your thoughts, your questions. And so I’ve put together a training for you. Now, it’s not going to be live for very long. So I would invite you to go to www dot delight your marriage.com/seductive-confidence seductive dash confidence, the dash is like a hyphen, if you know what that looks like. So anyway, I’d love for you to be there. Like I said, you sign it up, and then you get to see the video right away. And it’s a training. So I want you to really get the best value out of that. And it won’t be live for that long. So please go ahead over there. Alright, so I want to talk more about this notion of happiness. And the reason I think it’s so important right now at this time of the year is because of so often, it’s the time that we’re thinking about getting together with family, and we’re thinking about maybe traveling. And often there’s a lot of pain associated with this time of year, because we’re noticing that our families aren’t maybe close by, or emotionally, they’re not close to us. Or maybe they’re physically right next door. But in terms of the love and connection, we feel it’s so low. And maybe that’s also the way it is with your spouse. And you know, the weather is getting colder, of course, depending on where you live in the world. But here in New York City, the weather is getting colder, and you’re inside more, which means you’ve got less to do outside, it means you’re probably around your spouse more often. And if things are not well connected for the both of you, you probably aren’t having the best time around the seasons. And the other thing to keep in mind is seasonal affective disorder is actually a real real thing that may be affecting you or your spouse. So the fact that the sun is a bit farther away from the Earth, again, assuming you’re in a similar geographic location as I am. There’s many people around the world that listen. So thank you for listening. And I’m sorry, if I’m excluding you, because you live in a place that gets plenty of sun. But for those of us that are suffering over here with less sunlight, and daylight savings changed, so for me, it gets dark around like 430. Now I’m definitely one that prefers warmth and light. So anyway, the sign is farther away, so you get less vitamin D, which may affect certain things like depression and may also affect just whether or not you can get out and be active, which also really affects your mood and just how you interact in this world. I used to think words like mood were not important at all. I was like, I can change my mood. That’s a choice. I get to change my attitude if I want to. So I used to give that not a lot of credence. I think as I’ve grown older, I think I’ve gotten to the stance that yes, we do have a lot of

5:02
ability to change our mood just by face statements, we’ve talked about that quite a lot, but also by choice, just deciding to change, or Viktor Frankl is actually a survivor of the death camps in Nazi Germany. And he was this psychologist that he went into the death camps with this philosophy essentially that you don’t have to be defined by your circumstances. Now, if you can imagine what this man has gone through, and what he seen, and the pain and the suffering, that he went through the way he describes it in his book Man’s Search for Meaning, he says that he kind of took himself out of his situation, and almost put himself at the other side of the room, as though he were peering at himself and viewing himself as a third party. And that was a helpful tool to see, is he acting in a way that he would want to is he is here assessing who he is, more objectively, and I guess that’s something that I would encourage you to be thinking about right now, in your life, with your attitude with your perspectives? Is this the person you want to be? If you are imagining a third party viewing you, and you’re that person, and you’re living in your values, with your values? Are you looking at you and saying, yeah, yeah, that’s who I want to be. That is who I am. Another thing he would talk about is, imagine that you’re 20 years from now, I’m estimating the timeline, but maybe something like 20 years from now, and looking back at this moment in your life, is that the person you want to be? Are these the choices you want to make? So I want to challenge you, as you think about this season of your life in this very practical holiday season. Are you acting in a way that you would want to be acting? Are you thinking in the way that you would want to be thinking? Are these aligned with your values? 20 years from now? Are you making the choices? Are you making the thought patterns that are going to make you proud of yourself that you’re grateful you think this way. And then one thing that’s very helpful in marriage and family situations, is my final comment about Viktor Frankl. And I’ll tell you how to spell his name. It’s VI, k, T, O R. and last name is Frank L. And again, his book is Man’s Search for Meaning it’s powerful, powerful book. But one thing he says is between stimulus and response, there is a space in that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. I’ll say it again, between stimulus and response, there is a space in that space is our power to choose our response. In that response lies our growth and our freedom. So often I talk to a spouse and they’ll say, Well, my wife did this. So I had to respond XYZ. Or maybe the wife will say, Well, my husband did this. So I had to do this, or my spouse made me do this. And it’s this absolutely false notion that your spouse makes you do anything. They don’t. You have complete freedom over yourself. Let that sink in for a minute. Is it true that you have freedom over yourself? Maybe your spouse is controlling. I work with a lot of couples like that. Maybe it feels like you’re suffocating. When she’s criticizing you yet again. Maybe it feels like you have no agency when he’s telling you what to do and what not to do yet again. But I want to invite you to consider the fact that you are not a victim to your life. None of us are victims to our lives. And if we look at it like our spouse is making us miserable,

10:04
then we are not taking responsibility of our own lives. And if you are not going to take responsibility for your own life, 20 years from now, you’re going to say my wife was the one that didn’t allow me to do all the things that I felt like God wanted me to do. And you know what, that’s not gonna cut butter when you get to heaven, who you were was who you chose to be on Earth. So when you’re on Judgment Day, who’s going to be there? It’s going to be you and God. And the choices you made here mattered. So I want to give you a greater sense of freedom, about what is your abilities here on Earth. So we all kind of get to a place in life where we’ve got commitments, we’ve got things that have tied us to, to our time, and our emotion and our energy, because those are all limited resources that we have. So it’s not just time is our limit, but also emotion, and energy, and potentially other limits. Like maybe you have a mental disability, maybe you have a physical disability, maybe you have others in your life that you take care of. Maybe a limit is also being married, a limit may also be children. A limit may also be the choice of career that you have right now limit may also be finances. So there’s lots and lots of limits in this life. And I think a lot of times in terms of happiness, we think, Well, I’ve got all these limits, there’s no way I can be happy. I’m constantly doing X, Y, and Z. And that’s not fun. So there’s no way I can be happy. Now, I think that God actually cares about our state, emotionally. There’s scientific research that backs up, our physical health is very much tied to our emotions. And a lot of times when people don’t forgive others, it actually produces itself physically in your body as sickness. I’ve seen it several times where I’m thinking of someone in particular, that I noticed for years, she just was so angry at the world. So angry. And she was a neighbor. We didn’t know her very well. And in retrospect, I wish I had known her much, much better and but yeah, she she passed away with no family nearby, and no, no one that really knew her well. And in fact, they didn’t find her for a few days in her apartment because she was alone and didn’t. Yeah, didn’t have that kind of community. But essentially, that’s to say that, you know, that’s an anecdote, but it is very much scientifically proven is that our state of mind affects our physical health. But also biblically speaking, so there’s the verse that says a joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bone. And when I was thinking about this topic this morning, there’s actually this great song that I can’t remember who sings it, but I’m going to sing it for you for a second. So get ready. It goes

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a joyful hearts. Oh, is good medicine. Ooh, but a broken spear read Ah ha. dries up the bone. joyful heart is good medicine a joyful heart. Oh, is good medicine. Ooh. But a broken spear read dries up the bone Joyful Heart is good Madison I joyful hearts. Oh, Is good Madison woohoo. But a broken spirit, uh huh, dries up the bow.

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Awesome. So I think God actually cares about our joyful heart, I think he is very aware of how it affects our body, and how it affects our walk with Him and our ability to do His will. And plenty of other verses talk about our joy, and how we need to be grateful. So a couple of them that I want to share is, this is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it. So there’s very specific to be talking about our emotions, glad in it, let us rejoice, so rejoice is an action. So that’s actually telling you what to do, let us rejoice. Let us be thankful. Let us be grateful. You know, that’s the kind of thought there, let’s rejoice. Let’s praise God for this day. Another first I want to talk about is the verse that is quoted often, and I’m really grateful. But this is a, this is a part of the verse that I think we don’t hear, called out that often. So. So the verse that talks about Be anxious for nothing. And let me just read it to you. And again, it’s very, very well known, I guess, Philippians, four, six through seven, Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving. let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. So I’ll say it again without the, the emphasis so you can just get the full picture, Be anxious for nothing. but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. So I probably made it clear what I wanted to call out to you. But it’s the part that talks about. but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, essentially asked God. So I think a lot of times, we’ll have a situation that’s difficult, and will come before God and we’ll grovel and groan and grumble and and I don’t want to pass judgment on that. Because plenty of the Psalms sound exactly like that, in fact, plenty of the Bible, the prophets are grumbling and groaning to God, that’s just their, you know, they’re going through it. And I don’t want God does care about those things he does care about when you’re really going through it. This podcast, I want to focus on the other thing, because I think sometimes we give ourselves permission to grumble and groan, and it doesn’t end up moving us towards the joy that I think God also wants us to be about. So with thanksgiving, what does that even mean? So what it might look like, is in your prayers, to be thankful for what God has done, to be thankful for what God has done. So something really cool. I had a health issue that I was diagnosed with several months ago, I made a lot of changes in my diet. Huge restrictions now. So I talked to my doctor last week, last Thursday, got my blood drawn. I told her about the position, she was a new, she’s a new doctor, for me. Anyway, I told her about the condition. She’s like, Oh, are you taking medicine for it? Well, I was like, Well, I’m doing this other thing. And she’s like, No, you better start, you know, this. She says, there’s no, she said something like there’s no evidence that food and diet changes make a difference. She said, there’s no evidence for that. So, you know, you’ll need to get on the medicine, if in fact, these levels are low. And you know, I’m open to that, like I, I think Modern medicine is great. I think there’s also a lot we can do proactively to heal our body on our own as well. So anyway, she took all my blood blood levels and the next day called me and said, Well, you definitely have this illness because you have the antibodies, but for some reason, your your, your organs behaving itself and your levels are normal. So just keep doing what you’re doing. And we’ll check back in six months. So praise God, right? That’s what God did. God healed my body. You know, he

20:15
made sure that right after my diagnosis three months ago, I had the grace to pop on a podcast that happened to have that information of ways that I can change my diet, I bought this woman’s books, and I, I learned her protocols, and I even purchased a program that she’s that she did. And all that was much cheaper than what the medication would have been. And also, uh, you know, God gave me the grace to make these dramatic changes in my lifestyle. And so it’s just amazing. And we prayed, and God did that. So God healed me. And so I think sometimes in our lives, things change. From like, really tough stuff, and we forget to consistently thank God for it. You know, if you haven’t listened or watched the pursuit of happiness, recently, the movie by Will Smith, and his son is actually in the movie too. But it’s all about this guy, who started out essentially homeless, and worked really, really hard in an unpaid internship, and I won’t spoil the ending, but it is a powerful, powerful movie. And the whole time he took care of his child. But one thing I wanted to say is that in watching that movie, of course, I’m tearing up several times throughout the movie, and I’ve seen it before, but it’s just such a powerful movie. And it’s a beautiful, feel good ending. So if that’s the kind of stuff you’re, you know, into, that’s, I like the inspirational movies, I’m not into the, the, the depressing without a without, without a good kind of ending that leaves you excited and inspired to live life well. But anyway, so after watching that, I was so stirred by this man’s journey. And the reason being is there are elements of his journey that really remind me of my own, I remember running to appointments or making myself look good in interviews, where I inside felt completely. Not not, what’s the word not qualified, or being persistent when, when most people would give up, or being evicted, or having to plead before a judge for significant challenges and financial hardships and bounced checks and, you know, those kinds of memories kind of come back that, that God was so kind to bring us out of, and I, I just want to invite you and encourage you to think about what is God brought you through and from and how can you be thankful? How can you be grateful? Like, yes, right now, maybe you’re going through a challenge. But what can you be grateful for? I love Anthony Robbins says, if you wanted to be grateful, what can you be grateful for? Another thing he said, I heard him he was like, I guess he was working with someone. And they were really struggling. And he just decided he was going to interrupt their pattern, because that’s a big thing from him for him is like, sometimes we get in this pattern of thought and his job is to interrupt their pattern and get them in a new in a new mode and not associate those things anymore. And so one thing is this person was going on and on and on about a really horrible thing that happened to them. But he decided the thing that’s going to be best for this person is to interrupt their pattern. And so he told them they have to repeat, you know, 10 times over. I’m so grateful I’m not a cockroach in Romania. I’m so grateful. I’m not a cockroach in Romania. I’m so grateful. I’m not a cockroach in Romania. And I including encourage you that if you’re having trouble with gratefulness or happiness or gratitude or thankfulness, say that out loud. Thank God you’re not a cockroach in Romania. Not that Romania is a bad place just that, you know, cockroach anywhere who wouldn’t be great.

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So anyway, I want to encourage you and invite you to be thinking about Thanksgiving so when you can come before God, He cares about you. He cares about what you’re going through. But he’s also a good, good father, and he does give you good gifts. He’s given you a lot of good gifts, he gives you the grace to choose your actions every day, he gives you the grace to choose what you’re going to focus on what you’re going to think about what you’re going to look at, and hear and listen to. Over and over and over again. So whatever struggle you’re having, again, if it’s directly with your spouse, you have the option to listen to my podcast and learn and grow, and maybe, you know, jump on that that video training series, where I teach you how to have connection with your spouse in a way that you probably wouldn’t otherwise without that support and encouragement and, and growth in that area. You have these freedoms, you have these choices. Thank God for those. You know, so often we assume that it was us that allowed us to get to certain places in our lives. And the truth is, the matter is that you wouldn’t have breath in your lungs. If it wasn’t God, who breathed him in there. He’s the one that created it all. And every good thing, every good gifts, gift comes from above comes from God. So I want to invite you to thank him, give him all the glory, for who you are, for what you’ve accomplished, for where you are in life. For the good choices you’ve made, you know, the fact that I was able to make these dramatic changes and, and be motivated to do that, because I care about my children and my family. And I don’t want to leave this earth too soon. I think God wants me here. And I think loving the Lord my God with all my strength includes my physical body. And, and that is loving God with my strength, because he gave me this body and taking care of it is a very important part of me loving God. But he gave me the grace to make those big changes. Truly, he’s the one that gave me the grace to do that. And so I can be grateful to him for doing that rather than keeping the glory for myself. This is probably a side note, but sometimes when people compliment others, their response is they either redirect it, or they they don’t accept it. So the response is not Oh, thank you. The response is, well, it’s not that great, or you know, it’s a negative response. I want to invite you to always accept compliments, and feel the good feelings of what that compliment means. But give the glory to God. You accept it, you appreciate it. You’re thankful. And you give the glory to God, because that’s, that’s the one who deserves the glory. He’s the one that made it possible for anything to happen at any point. So if somebody says, Wow, you look gorgeous. You can be like, Oh, thank you, and in your head or even out loud, you could say, you know, Well, God did a good job didn’t me. God, someone that made your body he made you beautiful, or handsome. God did that. And so deflecting it is not only hurting the feelings of the person that’s trying to give you the compliment, but it’s also not giving God his fair share and connecting you and God together. Right? Because that’s another opportunity to be connected to your Creator by giving him praise for his creation, for what he has done. So Happiness may be just plain old gratitude. Here’s what I think for me. When I feel happy about my life. It’s when I answer the question. I am successful when? To me that that helps me to see what what makes me happy. What is happiness. And so, here here’s the work that I’ve done on this. In my in my own journey, is I put together a chart actually that you can do yourself. I’ll describe it to you. This is something I work with my clients on but it helps to really

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help you to prioritize your life because if you don’t prioritize your life, then somebody else will weather Are you think they are doing it or not you, again, 20 years from now might be blaming them for that. But essentially, this chart is on the top row. I know I’m successful when and then you list down the things that that make you know, you’re successful. So the first one for me is, my heart is at peace. And I know I’m doing God’s will. Number two, my husband gives me a surprised and delighted smile when he sees me and he gives me a big bear hug and kiss just out of the blue. That just, that’s just like a little sampling of our lives together. And it helps me kind of visualize that, that helps me to know I’m being successful if I’m loving my husband well, and feeling his response because he feels loved Well, number three, that my kids run to me from their toys and hug me and tell me they love me. Again, that’s just one of those things that helped me to know in different seasons, it’s this is going to change. But obviously, another one that I know I’m successful as my sons pray aloud and ask about God, which is awesome. My, my youngest son, who’s just about five, came over to me the other day, and he said, Mom, can I can I whisper in your ear, and he’s got the cutest voice. He’s got this. Like, he kind of still has a baby voice. It’s adorable. He was Mom, can I whisper in your ear? And so he’s like, yeah, yeah. So he whispers in his ear, my ear. And he goes, God talked to me. I responded. And he said, I love you. And it was so adorable. It was so adorable. If you didn’t hear me say that. I said, he said, God talked to me, I responded. And he said, he loves me. And I thought that was so wonderful. So that that kind of thing makes my heart just explode with joy, that my son listens to God that he knows that God loves him that, you know, my gosh, who knows, may me maybe he did hear God say that, like I don’t know, it’s just incredible. Another one is, it makes me feel successful when my clients tell me that they’ve grown in their relationship with God. Another one is my clients marriages turn around. Another one is there’s a new review that comes in that talks about my work changing their lives. Another one is, when I feel fit, strong, full of energy and fast, when I play with my kids and play soccer, and another one is giving to the poor, I give a good percentage of the business income to different organizations that I find are very what’s the word responsible with with not only their work, but I think with the way they spend their money, I’ve actually toured their facilities before and, and have people in the field that vouch for the effectiveness of the ministry. So anyway, another one that makes me feel successful is I somewhat tackle my husband out of pure love for him, because I just kind of feel that inside of me. And then finally, that I feel so so grateful for my life. So those are things that helped me to know I’m successful. And if those things are out of whack, when I’m not, when I’m not seeing that my kids are well taken care of when I’m seeing that my husband is unhappy, where I’m seeing that I don’t feel at peace with God, these are the things that helped me to see when my life is not aligned with with how I think I’m supposed to be living. Right. So the rest of the chart, I’ll just describe it along the top, it’s commitment. So these are the different commitments in your life, the things that take your time, or energy or you know, should be taking some of those resources. So one of my commitments, I tried to then put this at a top to bottom scale. So relationship with God’s spiritual renewal day, relationship with husband relationship with kids, rest day.

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What’s next? Dy M, sleep healthy, healthy eating. And then I have I just go through like the different commitments I have in my life. And then the next column over is description. So my description of all of those commitments. The next one is the hours per week. So how many hours of each of those commitments? And then the next one is what are my personal benefits from those commitments? So for example, my relationship with God, my personal benefits is love Jesus centered and focused on what’s most important draws me closer to his will, and be in nature, loving God through that my spiritual renewal day, which is a chunk of, of a day, every single week. My personal benefits is renewal and rest in Jesus, it’s just us one on one, it’s realigning dy M, with God’s heart, it’s being in nature. Okay, so then. So you go through all that the personal benefits for each and every commitment. And then the next column over is my fulfillment score. So zero to 10, how fulfilled I am, by that commitment. The next column over is my aligned with values score, so is this commitment aligned with my values. And then the next column over is the eternal value score. So again, when I get to eternity, if I look at this commitment, how important was it, like literally, how important was that commitment in light of eternity, be as be as ruthless as you can on this column. So you can really see where you are. So then the next column over is your total. And so for me, my relationship with God, those are 10 out of 10s, for fulfillment, aligned with values and eternal value score, those are all 10 out of 10. So the total is 30. Everything else is less than 30. Even my relationship with my with my husband, that’s 29 My relationship with my kids, and it’s actually 27. So I lower it, but then everything else, so 27, then the next thing is

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Yeah, so So I just so everything has a lesser value than something else. So it it helps me to really see what what’s most important. So then the next column over is increase, decrease commit uncommit. And then the final column is the next action. So what do I need to change in my life to make this either more priority, or lesser priority, or uncommit, completely. So hopefully, that’s a helpful chart for you. And hopefully, it wasn’t too confusing for me to say, But truthfully, you are not a victim of your life. You can organize, you can change your life, according to your values, according to what’s most important to you. You can cut things out. I have a wonderful podcast episode from Jonny Erickson Tada, if you’re not familiar, she’s a quadriplegic. But she has done incredible things throughout her life. She’s written books, she has a worldwide ministry to help people in disabilities. I’m going to post a podcast episode from her, that is with her, she and her husband actually. And if you think you have limits in your life, she has got some limits, she’s also going through her second battle of cancer. And I believe she’s right now in chronic pain. So she really knows what limits are. And I hope that you will be inspired by her heart and her commitment to Jesus and her love for him. And at the same time, that you can look at yourself and see, if I suddenly was a quadriplegic, I would have to cut out a lot of things in my life. So do that now. So that you can live according to the values you think God wants of you. You know, I have limitations in my life that you don’t know about, that are just significant limitations, I have to consistently say no, so that I can say yes to God’s best. So that happiness is I think, you know, I don’t want to like get mixed up on words. But I truly feel like you have so much more choice in who you are. And in the way you live. within your limits. One of your limits is your marriage, within your limits, you can be happier, you can be more grateful. One thing that is a practice I do most mornings is I write out 10 things I’m grateful for and I try to make it creative and something new that I didn’t say the next the day before. And another thing that I want to invite you to do in terms of action items here is the is to when you’re not sure what to talk about with your spouse. It’s always easy to gossip, right? I don’t think encourage you to gossip, I completely discouraged gossiping 100%. But what you can do is you can ask them what they’re grateful for. And suddenly that changes the mood, it changes the focus. And it causes you to be more attuned to the good things that God has given you. So we do that a lot will will say, what are the what are the top three things that you’re grateful for, that you don’t usually think about? And often I’ll do this when I’m talking to someone, and the conversation went sour, and I’m trying to like, bring it back to the right the right way. It’s like, let’s both think about something positive. Let’s think about what God has done for us. So I want to invite you to do that. Before we go, let me pray for you and pray for this holiday season. Father, God, thank You for this person who’s listening, thank you that they are seeking you. And they’re seeking encouragement, as they move forward in this holiday season. I pray in Jesus name that you would give them the grace to come to you with their anxieties, their fears, their worries, and Lord through prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, that they would present their requests to you God, that this, this would draw them to you, Lord, that gratitude draws us to You. Lord, I asked, that’s what would be reality for them. In Jesus name, Amen.

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So, yeah, so I’ve given you some homework, I’d love for you to do that chart that I discussed about your priority. So you can go back, rewind and pause and kind of make that according to what I described. Or you can reach out to me belah at delight your marriage.com and I can send you the chart. So I’m happy to do that. B E L A H at to let your marriage.com The next thing I want to do is invite you to this free video series about seductive confidence. So if you don’t have consistent initiating in your marriage, if you’re a woman, and that’s not consistent for you, then my guests, and when I’ve talked to many, many women is I mean there’s so many things but but a lot of it boils down to are not confident, whether it’s about your body, whether it’s about what to do, whether it’s about looking silly, all of these things. So I want to invite you to that training, you can go to www dot delight your marriage.com/seductive-confidence And then finally, I would love for you to listen to Johnny Erickson Tadas podcast episode that I am linking here. Awesome. Well, God bless you. Thank you again for listening and have a happy, thankful giving, giving a full day. Happy Thanksgiving. I’ll leave it at that. All right, love you. Bye

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I’ve been asking women about how they feel about seduction because 1-that’s what I hear so often from the husbands I coach. They crave to be seduced by their wives. 2-that’s what I hear so often from wives…

I’m not comfortable.

I don’t know what to do.

Is God even OK with it?

We have been married for so many years, how do I start?

How do I get over feeling silly?

I want to encourage you. Because the third reason I wanted to record this is because this is how I have felt MANY times over.

It’s only since I’ve understood where my husband is coming from that I began to prioritize this. And when I started to see the holiness and God’s approval of more fierce intimacy did I seek to walk in this with confidence. I want to give you encouragement in this podcast. And I want to give you practical tools.

You can get that from my favorite 5 tips: www.delightyourmarriage.com/5tips then when the email gets to you, respond to me with “I want in” and you’ll get on the list to receive my 3-part video training on seduction.

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. Hey, guys, and welcome. I’m so excited that you’re with me, this is belah rose. So if you haven’t been here before, we talk about intimacy. And this is a safe space to do that. And by God’s grace, we’ve had hundreds of 1000s of listens all around the world. And this is really something to share with those that may be suffering in the same way. That’s what I hear over and over again, from wives and husbands is they feel so alone in what they’re struggling with in intimacy. And I want to help you, I want to help normalize what you’re going through and give you the resources, the inspiration, the empowerment, to move forward, to get out of the pain, and actually have pleasure and joy and fun that really flows to the rest of your life. So I want to talk today about not knowing what to do in intimacy. This is something I hear a lot from women, and especially as I’m asking women about seduction, because that’s really what I want to focus on here. That’s generally their response is I don’t know what to do. You know, we’ve been married a decade, couple of decades, and I just don’t feel competent in it, knowing how to act or what to do. I was working with a man, and he and his wife went away for their anniversary, which kudos to him that he planned to the whole thing, you did a great job. And they had a wonderful time. And when when they were soon to leave the place that they had rented, she pulls some lingerie out of her bag, and she laughs I was like, oh, gosh, I forgot to use it. Now, he didn’t think it was all that funny. He shared with me that normally, he would have responded really angrily and frustrated because of her not realizing how important that is to him. Now, thankfully, he’s worked with me. So he didn’t respond that way. Otherwise, it would have definitely pushed them back rather than forward in the way that he wants to go, which is a more free, intimate relationship between them. But every husband listening knows that feeling of like, it would be so easy for her to entice me sexually, but she just won’t do it. She’s not comfortable with it, she won’t get outside of her comfort zone, she won’t stretch herself. Now, as a wife, I know that it’s not that easy. And in fact, she didn’t quote, forget as much as she was like, Well, I mean, I’m gonna have my clothes off anyway, I’m going to be naked, like, what’s the point of having lingerie anyway, it’s just uncomfortable. And I don’t feel like I look like the models and the pictures. And what’s the point? And the husband is like, the point is everything. You know, the thing is, women understand a, you know, a part of where their husband is coming from. But what I want to invite you to consider is that there’s more to understand of his heart and his thoughts in his mind. And if you go to any of my testimonials or reviews, a lot of them are for men, they find my podcast, which originally was meant just for women, they find it because they’re looking for help. They’re like, I don’t understand why my wife won’t love me in the way that I feel loved. What’s going on? Is there something wrong with me? Am I a sex addict? Is there an issue on my side? And the thing is no, God made sex to be extremely powerful between a husband and a wife. That’s the purpose. And so for him, he was designed to love the female form. He was designed to love the way you look. And seduction is a huge part of that, because it’s this teasing. It’s this excitement, it’s this, oh my gosh, what does she look like under there and the slow reveal. And that matters because you are the only holy outlet for his sexual desires. And he has a sexual man and God made him that way. He literally has erections on a consistent basis. Many a day and every time that happens, it’s a it’s a immediate trigger around intimacy. And so you as a wife are encouraged to I encourage you to love him in that way, that’s

5:01
what he’s craving for. That’s what he wants to be loved for. So if you think that you don’t know what to do, I want to just make that super normal for you. Most women feel that way, inside and outside of the church, they just feel they don’t know what to do. And women that were far more open when they got married, sexually speaking. Still, you know, let’s say it’s 10 years later, I work with a lot of couples that way, whether I work with a husband or the wife, or both separately, both of them would admit to her being far more open sexually, in the beginning. So what happened? Why now? Does she feel so insecure? Why now? Doesn’t she feel safe to express herself when she used to feel just fine with it? So I think there’s two things that I would encourage one is something that is, maybe what you would expect me to say, is this idea of fake it till you make it. I prefer a different way of saying that I don’t think faking it is exactly what you’re doing. I think you’re acting in faith, you’re acting in a way that soon is what you’re going to feel. Now, I don’t wake up every morning thinking I am, rock star in bed, I am amazing in this way. And that way, I have confidence easily in all things, intimate related, that was definitely not me for a very long time. And sometimes it’s not me even now. And so I have to just walk in faith that it’s going to catch up to me that those feelings are going to catch up to me. But honestly, ladies, we are not controlled by our feelings we’re not supposed to be we’re supposed to be controlled by our decisions, who we decide to be daily, is who we are. So I want to invite you, I want to encourage you to be thinking about who are you deciding to be with your spouse? are you deciding to have faith and say, you know, what, I don’t care what the enemy wants to lie to me and the comparisons of all the women on the magazines, and etc, etc, I instead I’m going to love my spouse the way that he receives love. I know that’s what God wants. And so to do that, he wants to see my body. And so I’m going to have a light on, I’m going to not cover my body with sheets, I’m going to go outside of my comfort zone and use lingerie, I’m going to allow him to enjoy the physical visual feast of my body. That’s what I invite you to do. So do it in faith, act in faith, that you’re going to start to feel more comfortable because the truth is you will, everything in sex felt uncomfortable in the beginning everything, every every single thing. And it wasn’t until you did it once, twice, three times over and over again, that suddenly it did become your personality and your identity sexually speaking. So that’s the first one do it in faith. The second one is I want you to have knowledge around it. I want you to get what’s going on here. I want you to know what to do how to do it. The words you can say the ways you can move your body, the ideas, all of that I want you to get all that stuff. I don’t want you to feel like I’m pushing you out into the you know off the tree to to fly when you’re a baby bird and yet you have no wings yet. I want you to have all that. And so don’t feel like you’re required now after listening to this episode to try to do everything. You know there’s a lot of women have concerns of is this even godly? Is this even okay? So that’s the kind of work I want to give you. So here’s a couple of resources to give you right away. First one is I have five favorite tips around seduction very practically, how to move you to the next phase, the next level, you can go to www dot delight your marriage.com/the number five tip s five tips. The other thing, which once you sign up is very soon. In the next few days, I’m going to really be releasing a three video part series. That’s all about seduction. And I want to give you practical tools in that. No I don’t share all that stuff on a podcast. Just as a result of There’s many people who listen to my podcast and I don’t want it to be open to that broad of an audience simply because of the specificity.

9:54
But what I can give you is once you get on the emails Make sure that you reply to my email to make sure that you receive it. Sometimes my stuff goes into spam without, and somebody actually wants my stuff. And so you just have to reply to the email, say I want in, and the directions will be there for you. But when you say that, then the free three part video series will will get to you. So that’s enough of like, how to get you the info the the insight, because like I said, it only goes so far if we don’t have the depth of understanding. We can only like push ourselves so far. Yeah, I was having a relaxed conversation with a new friend recently. And I was talking to her about her marriage because she wanted to know she was open to it. So I was like, okay, yeah, well, you know, let me ask you questions. Let me hear what’s going on in your in your marriage now and your intimacy and all that stuff. And she was kind enough to tell me that she felt insecure, and they’ve been married for for several years. And she still felt like she didn’t know what to do and very infrequent sex. And she didn’t understand his mind around this. So they had marital problems, I asked her on a scale of zero to four, how does she feel about her emotional intimacy? How does she feel about her spiritual intimacy with Him? How does she feel about their physical intimacy, and all of those were under a level five, somewhere much lower than that. And, you know, she’s smiling, she’s wonderful. I love her personality, love who she is. But let me tell you what, if that is where you guys are, you feel lonely, day in and day out, because I have been there, and it feels very lonely. Even though you’re in a marriage, even though you’re walking past one person every day, in your home, or whatever else, wherever you guys go, you say I love you on the phone, if that’s where you guys are, that is a lonely place to be. And so I was able to open up some new insights for her about sex. When it’s normal, it’s consistent, it’s generous, it’s often you understand that He desires a lot of variety. I’m going to tell you what, a lot of your problems as a couple go away. The anger, the resentment, the frustrations, that tension, a lot of that just plain old dissipates, you don’t have those problems anymore. Because you’re consistently filling each other with the amazing feelings of intimacy. I read that a wife doesn’t release or sorry, oh, a husband doesn’t release oxytocin in his body, which is a feel good hormone in any time except sex, except when he has an orgasm. Now for women, we get oxytocin released, when we hang out with a friend and we share our heart, we have a really good heart to heart conversation, a hug will do that, for us holding a baby talking to a girlfriend, like we get oxytocin released all the time. But for men, it’s when they have an orgasm. So it’s really important for you to seek to love him in that way. And he can, so much of that, that pain can just dissipate. You know, it’s interesting. A few times my husband has said this after intimacy, and it really surprised me. But he said, You know, sometimes I’ll ask him, What is his favorite part? Or how is he feeling or whatever, just to enjoy that kind of after sex glow, I encourage you to do the same with your spouse. And one thing he said several times is like, I just feel like everything’s gonna be okay. I just feel like everything’s gonna be okay. And it’s so interesting, because it’s not like he was he’s an extremely worried, you know, scared person or whatever. But that’s the, that’s the feeling he gets after making love. And to me, I’m like, how did you get that from, from the intense experience we just had, but that’s the way he responds. It’s a spiritual, powerful, magical moment for him. And I want to just invite you to understand it that way. So I’ve mentioned this many times on my podcast before, but let me be clear, he wants to see your body. You are his only holy avenue for incredible female curves and he loves female curves. God made him to love female curves. If you read through the creation story, when Adam woke up and saw Eve, he sang a song because he was so impressed with how beautiful she was. He was made to be attracted to the power of your intimacy.

14:45
So I want to address this kind of funny elephant in the room is it’s weird. It’s awkward. You know, a lot of women are like I wouldn’t normally perform in front of him. If I was an opera singer. I wouldn’t normally just get awkward dressed up and sing him up Italian opera. That would be weird. So why would he want me to get completely out of my comfort zone? Get all dressed up, do a dance like why would that be? And doesn’t that remind him of lots of other negative things that maybe he’s seen, and maybe that’s sinful. And so I want to just invite you to consider that your husband loves you, that your husband cares about you, that your husband desires you. And these are all just wonderful ways that you can love him, you can be generous to him more, so it matters way more to him than then cooking a meal or, or serving Him in other ways, because you might be like, but I love him in so many other ways. I’m like, this is the way he really is seeking you to love him. It’s just true. It’s just the way God created them is a great thing. And if you don’t know what to do, I want to help you in that. Don’t let that hold you back. Don’t let that hold you back. And sister. Do it in faith. Do what you already know to do. Do it tonight. Do it today. Start. Start now. Start now. All right, God bless you once again, free resource for you delight your marriage.com/number Five tip s and again, when you sign up in your inbox, just send me a quick reply. I read all my replies. I want to know what you’re thinking how you’re feeling, and that’ll make sure that you get the next three video teachings that I have on seduction. Alright, God bless you and I’ll talk to you more soon.

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We argued yesterday. Knives were involved. Well truthfully, it was a disagreement at a restaurant. But the actual emotions happened way before the restaurant. My husband is on the show again (back by popular demand!) to tell how he was feeling and what he did and why.

Why is this important for your intimacy? A wife wants to make love to a man she feels safe with. If you’re arguing in a way that makes her feel unsafe, then you’re repelling her from the very thing you crave.

I want to share this podcast because I think we have HORRIBLE examples of marital conflict. We take our cues from movies, dramas, chick flicks and sitcoms. All of which have very unhealthy and hurtful aspects.

I want to give you a vision of a REALLY GOOD conflict. One where each of us weren’t “perfect”. But each of us allowed our value of intimacy, connection and love to be higher than our emotions and impulses.

I hope this gives you encouragement and inspiration in your next emotional challenge between the two of you. There’s another way and there are specific tools you can use to NOT leave you or your spouse bloody and bruised rhetorically.

—

If you’re a wife and interested in the 5 Tips To Amazing Seduction go to www.delightyourmarriage.com/5tips

If you’re a husband and interested in transforming your marriage to one of friendship and PASSION, go to www.delightyourmarriage.com/call and sign up for a FREE 40 min call ($500 value) and we will dive deep into what is blocking your intimacy and what are next steps for you!

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. All right, welcome, welcome. This is belah rose. And I’m really excited that you’re joining me today. So what I wanted to do in this show, is, I guess the the heart behind this show is to help people have healthy marriages, healthy families, and ultimately, that they can do God’s work better because they’re overflowing with love through their marriage. And so what I think is really important is for us to get a vision of healthy disagreements. Now, of course, if you’re a human, and you’re living with another human, you’re going to have differences of opinions, and I’m here with my amazing husband. Hello. And we’re gonna, we’re gonna walk through step by step, a recent disagreement that we had, in fact, yesterday. And the reason I wanted to really show you exactly what it sounded like, from our perspective, is because we have so many examples of very unhealthy disagreements. It’s constant from movies and TV shows and sitcoms, things that are funny. So maybe we’ll laugh about it, or maybe it’s a drama, so we’re crying about it. But it’s not a healthy disagreement. So how often do we actually get to see, wow, that that was healthy, no one left feeling, you know, lonely or hurt or angry? How did they leave from a disagreement where they still felt connected, respected, and they still felt loved. And I gotta tell you, for you men out there, the biggest turnoff for a woman is when she doesn’t feel safe in her marriage. And so that’s so important that you are careful with your words with your arguments. So we’re going to talk a lot about that. And before I dive in further, I want to invite you to go to delight your marriage.com/five tips. Tip s, if you want the top five tips I have for seduction. And once you get on my list, I will be sending you more information and content around that. But that’s kind of something a little separate than our call today. But I wanted to make sure that you got that information. So www dot delight your marriage.com/five tips. Alrighty. So as we had planned. I wanted to kind of start us off talking about what happened yesterday. Do you want to tell the story before we actually play act? Our conversation? I feel like

3:05
you’re, you’re better to tell the story.

3:10
Oh, well, my husband has actually a much better memory than me. So if I get anything wrong, I hope that he’ll jump in. Okay. So here’s what happened is, I woke up yesterday with this intention that I was like, okay, the desk is coming today, we’re going to be able to organize it, I’m so excited. You know, I’ve been kind of working with a much smaller desk, and it really wasn’t working to be fully organized. And really. So anyway, so the desk was finally coming. So excited about it, woke up, do my normal thing in the mornings. And then I checked online, and it said the desk was delivered. And I was like, but it’s not here. So talk to our super went downstairs checked every floor just in case they delivered it to the wrong floor. Because if you don’t know we live in Manhattan, so there’s lots of floors to check. And then I called them and they’re like, Oh, it was actually delivered to this address, which is probably three blocks down the street, two blocks down the street. And I was like, okay, so I walked over to that address, tried to get inside the gate, and turns out it was unlocked. So I was able to get in, but I wasn’t able to get inside the actual building. So I called a friend who actually lives in that building. But that building happens to have probably, I mean, it’s like a complex with so many stairs. It is beyond. Yes, there are so many stairs. So I was like and there’s no elevators in the building. It’s all walkups anyway, so I called my friend He gave me the SuperS name and number. So I called the Super and the super. He was like, Well, how do we know that you own the package? I was like, well, it’s got my name on it. You know, I’m happy to set it up. So anyway, he said he would call me back. So then I actually found another door to the same place I was looking to go into, and it was unlocked. So I went in there. I went up the stairs, again, another flight of stairs. And there was the package. And guess whose name was it was on it? Mine, but the wrong address. So, so great. And anyway, my friend called me back and was like, so super said, you know, he wants to make sure you’re the right person. Do you happen to have your ID on you did it uh, so the super came and I was like, actually have a picture of my idea. So I, I texted him, and I gave him the thing. Okay, so great. So then the package is definitely mine. It’s definitely there. And I’m trying to move it. And it’s crazy heavy. How heavy Do you think it was?

6:00
Yeah, I think probably like, I don’t know, more than 50 pounds. Yeah, I would estimate 77 Do you think I would think so, like 70 to 80 pounds, and my husband

6:14
is very strong. But 70 to 80 pounds is a difficult one for me. So anyway, we have a hand truck at home. So I came home, emptied the closet, because of course the hand trick is at the very back of the closet, after the closet, brought it back to the place. And remember, there’s all those steps. So I’ve got to, like, move the hand track, you know, try to wiggle it up. These steps in hand tracks are not very light. And I had back problems in the past. So I was a little nervous about that. Meanwhile, I called my husband several times, because I was like, in my head thinking, Well, it’d be wonderful to have some help here. And I thought he was going to be home this whole time. So anyway, we’ll talk more about that later. But ultimately, what happened is I got the package with the hand truck. And incredibly, I got the package onto the hand truck. And amazingly, I was able to find a way out of the building that included no more stairs. So after I had, you know, shimmy my way up with the hand truck this whole time, all these stairs, all these stairs, and then amazingly, get the package on there. And then there’s like one path that goes straight to the street without any stairs. So then all I had to do was like the four stairs that were left. But in the meantime, while all this stair stuff was happening, I had called my husband like probably four or five times. And I did leave a message and I did probably text you several times. Alright, so there’s the context. That’s the story. My husband did come. And he said he was actually at a field trip with my older son. And, and right afterwards, he came and he actually set up the whole desk, and we’re standing right next to it, which looks awesome. But when he came home, I was like, are you okay? Because he was quiet and kind of you know, shut down a little bit. So he and I just kind of worked quietly together on this desk, and it was very complicated to set up. Alright, I think that’s the story.

8:31
I think so. And the reason why my wife says that I’m quiet

8:39
is because when I know I frustrating math. Because if I wanted to say a lot of things, right.

8:51
But I know if I, if I speak right there when I’m when I’m angry and frustrated. I know I will say a lot of things I didn’t mean to and a lot of things. A lot of times happened this to people, when we are angry that we just say whatever we feel at the moment, or the moment whatever we feel and then but you know, we forget about those words. So that will stay with us. But whatever the person say that to us. And so that’s why I usually wouldn’t like that. I’m quiet. I don’t talk too much. Yeah, and after that, you know, after all that we me and my wife and kids, we went somewhere you know to just spend time with our family. And we talk about it. We talk about what happened. But we were in like nice speaking each other. I don’t know if he if if you’re like me or I’m like you. And we were mad. We don’t we don’t talk to each other. We just kind of like, kind of roommates. And I feel like we, we need to talk about it because yeah, that about being roommates. It will, eventually we’ll end it and you had to speak to your spouse. So how long will you wait to? To talk to her or him?

10:28
Okay, so the scene is we’re sitting there at the restaurant, the kids are, you know, writing with their crayons, or whatever. And we already had our food, or maybe we were waiting for our food or something. And you started sharing with me? Just maybe the general gist of what you were sharing. Do you remember what you started with?

10:48
Yeah, but here’s one thing that I remember why I started speaking, is when we’re when our kids here. They come back from school. And then you were saying, Thank you, thank you so much for helping me to set up the desk. And you said a few times. I appreciate it. What you did it, and that helped me to calm myself down. Because I feel like even though she’s she was upset, even I was upset, but she still appreciated. Whatever I did, you know, because you said, you know, I really appreciate. Thank you for helping me. And I feel that I don’t know, a piece that we’re not mad at least the level of, of me being upset that when to almost not at all.

11:46
Awesome. Okay, so it sounds like just being appreciative and not pushing the fact that I could tell you’re upset was helpful for you.

11:55
Yeah, I feel like just the word. Appreciate. You know, even though you, your viewer, disappointed, whatever, but just you appreciate it. It means so much. You know, it means so much when when you Sarah, thank you for helping me. Oh, that looks awesome. All your excitement in are still upset. But I feel like just the here the you being you appreciate it. It helped me a lot to calm myself down. And thus that’s why you know, the conversation was was different. Yeah. I feel like you know, just right now, when you prayed about when we prayed about people when when they’re upset that they can just wait and come to cells down. So they don’t have they won’t hurt. You know, the loved ones. Right? Right. You know, because I feel like our our words are very powerful. Yeah, you know, I tell you what it what I used to feel when when you’re upset. Tell me? Well, I used to feel when you’re upset that you want to divorce me. I feel like you’re gonna leave me. And you’re going to take my kids, and we’re going to go, what am I going to do and all those things, just things stuck in my head. And every time we’re taking the train, I see those signs that says about a cheaper way to spend for divorce. All those things, and I feel like every time we get an argument and I had this anxiety that you want to left me that you want to divorce me.

13:52
Do you mind? Do you know why that is in your mind? Or was in your

13:58
was in my mind? I don’t know. I feel like we were dealing a little different. Our when we get when we get upset, we were dealing a little different. And I feel like I needed I need that. secureness to hear from you. Yeah. That because you this way you said a lot of things and I encourage you husband or wife to tell each other how can I love you more? I think that’s very powerful. Because I feel like my wife is doing a lot you know, dealing with me and all those things and she keeps saying i How can I love you more? Or how are you feeling? And I feel like when we were upset? I feel like she’s wanting to divorce me and then and I I told her that how I was feeling And then remember that you’re holding my hand. And you’re holding my hand and you say, like, how do you how how long you were feeling about this? So I don’t know. But it’s been a little while. And she says that that can you cannot think about those things and never want to leave you, whatever the struggles, the issues that we want to have that we all going to have. You know, that’s part of our marriage, that we grow in a healthy way. And I hurt each other, but in a healthy way, because we were hurting each other. And I feel like that you tell me that you’re not going to this such a thing? It helped me to, to calm myself down. Yeah.

15:49
Yeah, I appreciate that. I remember, one thing that used to trigger me because of the way I was raised was leaving an argument. While everyone’s still upset. I remember. That was something that what I saw modeled for me was you got so so upset that you walked out of the room and slammed the door. That was, that was kind of the model thing. And so I felt very triggered for me, if and when that would happen. And you didn’t I mean, it’s not like that was something that you did, I know, I would be very afraid that that was going to happen that you were just going to leave as a result of getting upset. And I say that because I think like you mentioned, honey, we all have triggers, we all have triggers that influence the way we respond to conflict and conflict, something that you definitely don’t like, it’s something I don’t like, either. But it’s definitely not as strong for you in terms of, you’re probably, you know, nine out of 10, you’ll avoid conflict, maybe six out of 10 all avoid conflict. But, um, but anyway, so. So it sounds like just in terms of, was there anything you wanted to say as a result or anything else?

17:10
No, I just the data for you to help me to feel that it’s just we’re having a disagreement as a husband and wife, nothing more escalate? Yeah, you know, we just having a disagreement that everybody? Everybody does, I feel like if you never have a disagreement you you’re not growing. You know, you’re not growing, you’re not learning. And you will eventually we’ll have it. Yeah. You know, like, some people get frustrated that you first you get frustrated in my ear, and I want to tell your spouse, so you just keep smiling, everything is fine. I feel like so your spouse or not knowing you, you know, it’s not getting to know you, right? So you just pretend that everything is fine. And I feel like we got to stop pretending that everything is fine, because not everything is fine. Yeah. You know, and I feel like yes, you tell me to affirm that we just having a disagreement like other spouse have.

18:14
Yeah. And I think back then I didn’t know as much as I know now around a healthy communication and how to respond to significant feelings. Well, instead of being defensive and arguing back and, you know, sometimes I like that you’re saying the word disagreement, because I like to talk about that. We don’t have arguments, we’ll have disagreements, but at this stage of our marriage, I encourage people not to have arguments to this level of intensity and negative words. And we’re both people leave the conversation hurt and bloodied and bruised, you know, rhetorically speaking, you know, obviously, not physically, but Well, hopefully not physically. But anyway, the point is that the idea is for you to have a disagreement. And I, I want to kind of give you kind of the tools for that. But before I go into that, specifically, I love how you said that. If we’re not open and honest with each other, who are you having a relationship with, you’re not being honest with each other, and that that’s going to affect you because you’re not being who you are. Here’s what I want to clarify that and this is something that I think is really helpful for people who are, let’s say, really struggling in their marriage right now. I think sometimes people who are really, really struggling in their marriage, they will look let’s say there are two out of 10 in their marriage, they’re just really having challenges. They might look at a marriage. That’s nine out of 10 and use that advice. and think it’s going to help them in their marriage. And I don’t think that’s true, I don’t think that’s going to work. Because my husband and I have a level of trust and safety and care and compassion that we have built to our nine, often 10 out of 10 marriage, that I can be much more open with him about my heart because he deserves it. And I know it’s safe. And I know, I can present it in a way that’s kind and generous to him as well. But if we’re at a two at a 10, and I try to be this open, more than likely he would, you know, a lot of times people, their spouse will respond with being hurt, because they’re already defensive, or they’re gonna respond in sarcasm, because they don’t feel like this, this genuine, mutual kindness towards each other. There’s all sorts of things. So what I encourage you to do is, first of all start with thinking about how healthy is your marriage right now? Is it to attend three out of 10, four out of 10, five out of 10? Where are you is it, you know, 10 out of 10. And then with that in mind, think about your level of openness, it doesn’t mean that you’re going to be dishonest with your spouse, but it it, it clarifies how open you’re going to be with your spouse. Because we as people, we have to protect our hearts. And sometimes that means protecting it from our, our marriage partner, if they’re not safe with our heart at that point. So you share what’s going to be a good, what’s going to be strategic, what’s going to help you guys move forward. But you’re not necessarily going to share all of your hurts or your difficulties or the pains or your feelings because they might not be the right person right now, to share in that. Does that making sense to you? Honey, what do you Oh,

21:47
yes, you just say, a beautiful way. Yeah, just say, you say very, very good way. I feel like, you know, when you said about the spas, when you’re I just don’t understand why people are screaming, why people scream? Like, what do you gain from that screaming for the person to hear from you. So he can understand you how you’re feeling. And then the other person two things, the other person that is going to listen to you will not listen to you by will hear you screaming, he or she will yell back. Or she or he shot herself. And one say a word. And then you get frustrated, why should not or he didn’t respond. And that stays in that stays. And every time you know, probably forget about it. But it stays. And then you have the next argument. And then the same thing. And they start building this this feeling about a screaming or certain words that you say to your spouse, and then eventually that will that he or she’s holding it for so long that it will it will come out that you cannot take it anymore. And it will come out on people that you love mostly. And those people will get hurt emotionally. I think Yeah. I I just don’t understand why people you know, yell to each other, you know, my family, I see that each other and you know, I I say certain things but I know I am not in their relationship. So I cannot say like, Why? Why are you yelling? Why are you why are you saying certain things to your wife or husband? You know, they’re the ones that know and hard to learn how to how to argue. Like, you know, we just talked about it. Because I feel like you know for one one simple example right? My my my brother He’s a year older than me and you know he’s happened some you know, some disagreements with his wife and something almost in something happened. Something happened that thank God that nothing really bad happen. It could really really, it could really bad happen but things didn’t happen and he has To do the work that his wife do, and then he sees that she was doing a lot of work. Just just at home, forget about everything else. Just a home and and you know, I talk about you know, more I do this, my wife who Bella, and this is all this things. And he was joking he was like, Maybe I should talk to you and give me some some classes. And I, I feel like you know, he hear for from Bella to so all this podcast, I feel like I’m learning a lot from her some things that that I did not like a new buddy not know. Like I knew she likes to place things, but in I didn’t know that she loves this things. I don’t know if it makes sense. But I feel like you get it. Get to know your spouse more in things, you know that. We don’t like disagreements, we like everything to be smooth, we come home happy smile, our kids, you know the run through the door and hug you. But that’s not every day that you will feel like that. Because you will feel

26:34
frustrated at your work of someone, someone, someone else will your wife and who you’re spending the most time with, you know, your spouse, I think, I hope and you’re going through everything that to this person, to whatever you’re feeling. And we had to be careful about how we can be for that person to to, to let us know how he or she’s feeling. And we had to stop. I feel like this thing we had to stop. When the person is talking to us, we had to stop talking. Because a lot of times we just want to tell maybe I’m wrong. But a lot of times as soon as we men I think as soon as our wives are speaking beer automatically want to fix, fix the problem or tell her maybe you should do this. Maybe you should say these things. Why would you say this thing is that’s why you’re feeling like this? It’s why are you feeling like this? It’s not a big deal. Right? And I know, I know because I know some people that that’s what they they do. Very close friends and that’s that’s what they do. They just wanted to tell what to do to their wives and instead maybe their wife or husband just wanted to feel heard.

28:12
Yeah. Yeah, that’s awesome.

28:17
Yeah, just I don’t know, just, I just want to say thank you to, to you, wives. That if you if you I believe if you really believe and do the work or whatever Bella’s teaching you to do if you do it the same as husbands. I feel I will guarantee that you will, you will see and look and experience and different ways that they used to experience on everything these agreements hug to your spouse and I you know, you started looking differently. Everything, everything, everything in your life through work, friends, your wife and kids. You know, I want to I want what is this? I think I heard someone that it says that. The one of the best things to be a good father is to be a good husband. You know, something like that like to be a good father is is to

29:41
Yeah, I think that’s that’s the right code. It sounds like to me.

29:45
That sounds awesome. To get to give the best. I don’t know. I can’t remember something. Oh, I know. Is it the best gift you could give to your kids is to love your to love your wife. Slow your wife? Yeah, I think that’s, that’s what it was.

30:05
Awesome. Well it can I add a couple things that you mentioned. Yeah. You’ve actually said this to me plenty, but something along the lines of your spouse is the one that can hurt you the most. And so, if you think about every other relationship in your life, when you have an issue with your friends, your boss, your pastor, your cousin, your mom, like, we spend so much time thinking about you, maybe not your mom depends on the level, what your relationship is like, but hopefully your mom do. We spend so much time contemplating how is how should we say things, how does, you know not going to offend them, but also is going to get the point across and we consider all these things. And yet, it’s like, we don’t even think about it with our spouse. But as you’ve told me, many times, honey, truly, I can hurt you the most of anyone in the entire world. And you me as well. And so I guess I want to just underscore that for the person listening, that you are the person that can hurt, or love and help your spouse the most over anyone else in the world. So that was one thought. And then the other thought I had was, I think that I wanted to actually share something that was from a husband that worked with me. And this is several months after he graduated from the program. But it makes me think of what you were saying in terms of how people can actually change and their marriages can completely change. So he says, I emailed to ask him how things are going. He says, Now on the more important stuff, my wife and I, things have been going extremely well. lately. I think over the last few months, we’ve gotten a lot closer. We’ve been spending a lot of time together on weekends. And then he gave some examples. And then he says she is actually now this before we started working together, he felt like she was controlling, he had to walk on eggshells, he would hope that they would make love but he wasn’t sure if that would happen or she would reject him. She felt like making love was a duty, he would always be the only one initiating. And there was just a lot of tension between them. And it felt like he would prioritize his sorry, it felt like she prioritized her kids above him. And it was very hurtful. Anyway, this is what he said in this email. She has actually been requesting spending time with me a lot lately. It’s really quite nice. It seems like we spent all of our weekends together, I can’t really remember the last time I did something without her, which is again something that he wanted. If we’re not spending time, just the two of us, then we’ve pretty much been spending time together with the rest of the family. I was actually giving gratitude to the Lord this morning for that. Oh, and then he goes so I’m sure you’re wondering about the intimacy in our marriage. Let’s just say that I’ve been incredibly happy with our sex life. I still haven’t initiated she does all the initiating. She has also let her guard down to the point excuse me to the point of exploring other avenues of lovemaking. I think I told you before that she was not comfortable with me pleasuring her but this is certainly not the case now that she’s been able to let herself go to have deeper orgasms, which turns me on even more lol it’s been really really good. Anyway, I’m just rambling now I could go on and on but let me just end with this like to say thank you belah for helping me understand my wife better and in turn making our marriage better. So

34:05
that was wonderful. Yeah, yeah, that is that is wonderful, you know, and I gotta say this thing, someone in left review on the podcast. And she said and that person says that belah never always put God first. Always put guards hurt. Always put God first the she does not say it and feel that she’s better than anyone else. Because that we are not but better than anyone else. God is better than everything else. You know, she create Bella me everything that we enjoy here in this world. And why not to say thank you to him. You know, why not? And just sent a prayer that to that we appreciate all the things that the words that we speak, you know, we, we can prepare all these things. So what we want to say it like, don’t prepare, I just feel like there’s words that come in my mouth this from from God, whatever he want me to say. And I just want to say thank you for, for those people that left a review. And for this, I’ve been thinking about this person left a review about that he was looking for someone to look up to. And as my wife was reading that review, I get to say almost, almost cry because that you don’t know how you impact other people’s intimacy, or whatever your words will say you don’t. You just say it, and it’s out there. And for that person, I feel like it means it means so much. You know, and I don’t, I’m not really talk, talk kind of person. But that that person, it really means so much. And I’ve been thinking about I think almost every day, I feel like that person matters, whatever I said, What are we said, because I feel like we are nothing, absolutely nothing. If it wasn’t for God, we always put God first. And then is it’s the recipe. And I feel like we we we constantly remind ourselves about we had to do every case is very, very, extremely easy to forget about that and go out on our own ways. And I just want to say thank you to that person. Why don’t look at reviews. So how to look at other reviews. Try not to be trying not to. And I you know, I look at our reviews because I listened to your podcast, too. And while I had to say thank you for the positive review, and thank you husbands for all the work that you’re doing for your wife, it might seem that you’re doing all the work and nothing has happened. It will happen. Trust, you know, pray and trust. What else can you can you do not force that person. You know, make that person to do what you want what you like, that person will stay far, far away from you. And I will guarantee that you’re not going to enjoy like it. And here’s another thing that when I went to visit my mom she was telling me I should do this this and I must be this this. And my sister. She was like Mom, why are you talking to D like this? It was a Yeah, because he looks like he’s he doesn’t smile that off. He’s not caring person. My sister told my mom, I was there. She says these not the same person. years ago. The person that he knows the most is Bella

38:41
Why do you? Why do you think she always keeps hugging? hugging him or kissing him or just hold his hand? You know, there’s something there’s something these not the same person years ago. She’s the one who knows. That meant the most. And you I think I think that’s true. Our spouse seen us emotionally. When we are angry when they’re upset when we enjoy when we when we are sad when we cry. I feel like no one else and we go out on the world you know with a with a smile or whatever, but nobody knew that. You just cry last night with your with your wife, whatever you’re feeling. And I feel like that person you know it’s your spouse.

39:32
Yeah. Yeah, I think that’s beautiful. Thank you, honey.

39:36
Yes. So I had to go. Okay.

39:43
Thank you. I’ll wrap up with you today. Okay, so my final thoughts were about what happened at the restaurant. I want to just wrap up for you. So essentially, he was telling me calmly, but he was telling me how he was feeling. And so as he was talking, I waited, I calmly just waited. And some of the things I didn’t think were accurate, necessarily based on what he was saying. And I felt like my perspective was different, all of that. But I just waited until he was finished. And then I reflected back what I thought he was saying. So I said, it sounds like you were feeling X, Y, and Z. And I even used a lot of the same words that he was using to me, because what that does is it helps him to feel understood. And so if you’re about to have an argument with your spouse, I would encourage you to wait and focus on reflective listening, because it gives you something to focus on. So you’re not focused on Oh, what am I going to defend? How am I going to respond to this? You know, accusation? Or you’re interpreting it as an accusation. But instead it makes you focus on, okay, how can I understand the other person, and then they feel understood, and it helps them to calm down too, because then they’re like, Okay, well, if the other person understands me, then we can actually have a real conversation. But if we’re just talking past each other, the frustration is actually on the feeling like the person doesn’t care about you feeling like they don’t care about your perspective. And then every negative word that comes on top of that, the accusations and the, the judgments, and all that kind of stuff. So I reflected back. And then I also asked if, what I said to him on the phone, when I left the message, did he feel like I was being disrespectful. And as a wife to say that to her husband, I think that’s really important because for men, I love how Laura Doyle says respect is like oxygen. So if you are disrespecting your spouse, it’s it’s not we they just don’t respond to it the same way as women do. Women, I don’t think we care as much in this in the same way. But for men, it’s it’s a much bigger deal. And so it’s much easier for me to just say, Did it feel like I was disrespecting you? And he said, No, it didn’t feel like I was being disrespectful. So that’s, you know, that’s assuring. And it also means that, you know, points on just not having points, I’m just making a joke, like, I did a good job of not being disrespectful, even in the midst of frustration. So I’m excited about that. That was good. And then the last thing is, after I reflectively listened and really heard him and he felt understood, I asked him if it was okay if I shared my perspective, or I shared my feelings of what happened. And he said that was okay. And then I shared the whole story that I just went through with you of what really happened in my perspective. So he could hear why I would have been upset and why, you know, the hand truck was heavy and XY and Z, and how typically, he tells me where he’s going. And typically I tell him where I’m going. And that’s our normal. So it was unusual for me not to know where he was, he could have been downtown for all I knew. And so we were able to have that conversation in a calm way.

43:15
It wasn’t even elevated, like I’m talking to you right now, as you can tell, my husband is a very kind of calm, man. And so when I talk to him, I try to meet him at that level, I don’t try to make him come up to my level. Because that’s not dying to ourselves. We want to serve our spouse and come to their level, meet them on where they are. And I think the last encouragement I want to give you is when you’re in the midst of a disagreement, I want you to extend the timeline, you do not have to figure out that disagreement right now. You just don’t you don’t, don’t don’t let the enemy lie to you and say you’re in a rush. So everything goes whatever you are thinking in the moment or you just don’t, everything can wait. That’s you know, life is long, life is not short, life is long. And I want to just invite you to consider that. You don’t have to do 98% of what you do all day long. You don’t you’re not a victim to time, God has given you time, you can have rest, He gives His children rest. So I want to just invite you to extend the timeline on arguments so that you know you can have a positive interaction. And maybe that starts sorting through the feelings but maybe that’s not the end. Maybe you spend five minutes there and then you just kind of enjoy yourself for the rest of the evening and then you spend 10 minutes a couple days from there and you kind of continue to sort things out but it doesn’t have to be all in one fell swoop that you get everything talked out everything’s on the table, because you might do that but really hurt your spouse and like my husbands said earlier, they’ll never like you can always remember and call to mind what your spouse said about you or said to you. It’s not that you can take those words back. So I want to just invite you and encourage you to take arguments very seriously. Don’t have them, like literally don’t have arguments, and instead, challenge yourself to have a disagreement. And it calmly and reflectively. Listen, and dissipate it as as much as you can in the moment with appreciation and recognition, and apologies. And all of those things are godly characteristics. It doesn’t mean that one person one and one person lost. That’s not it at all, you both lose if you lose intimacy and connection with each other. But you both win. If you gain intimacy and connection with each other, doesn’t matter who quote goes first. Just do it doesn’t matter. Just do it. Alright, well, God bless you, my husband, and I did pray for you before we had this conversation, but I want to pray for you right now. So Lord, I just lift up the person on the other end of this microphone, and I thank you for them. I thank you for their heart, I thank you that they listened to this long recording, about arguing and disagreeing and all that stuff. And I pray whatever you needed them to hear is what they would hear and what they would walk away with God. And I pray that anything that they didn’t, that they would just leave behind, and I pray God that if there’s any shame or feelings like, Oh, I wish I had known this years ago, or even last night, I just pray in Jesus name, that the enemy would not lie to them, that I have done that I have been in their shoes, they don’t have to feel ashamed. God, you don’t lead us to shame. You lead us to growth and victory. And it’s your kindness that leads us to repentance is so great that you were kind enough to show us another way, a better way that we can apologize, Lord, your God of second chances. So Father, I just ask God that you would give them encouragement, even right now. And Lord to day would be the turning a turning in their life where arguments just aren’t part of their marriage anymore. Father, and I pray God that you would give them wisdom about next steps God, if it’s working with me in the men’s course, God that that would be just something that would turn on their heart, they want that, or whether it’s working with me with one of my other courses, or one on one with women or whatever it is, or one on one with men. God, I pray that you would give them that insight and that inspiration God. But no matter what, Lord, we worship and praise you. And I believe that you’re honing this person, into the man or woman you want them to be first and foremost, God, that’s what you care about. And the way they are with their spouse is their character. They represent it every single day. They hone it every single day when they’re with their spouse. And I asked this would just be one more reminder of that. God, thank you. We love you. Amen.

48:07
Awesome. Again, well, thank you so much for listening in. If you are interested in working with me and one of my men’s programs, I would love to hear from you, you can actually schedule a free call with me. And that’s a clarity call, you’ll get 40 minutes of my undivided attention. And we’ll talk through how to get past and what are the biggest obstacles between you and where you’re really seeking your marriage to go, the intimacy, the love the connection. And if I think that we’re a good fit, and that I can help you solve those problems, then the catch is that I would be happy to invite you into one of my programs. Now I don’t invite everyone. I don’t think everyone’s the right fit. But you can find that out if you go to www dot delight your marriage.com/call ca LL and like I said, that’s a free 40 minute conversation. And it’s actually a $500 value. So I’m really focused on men right now. I’ve had really amazing breakthroughs with men. If you’re a woman and you want one on one coaching. You’re welcome to do that. Or like I said, you can get on my email list to learn about other offers that I have. So you can go to delight your marriage.com/five tips. The number five tip s awesome. All right. Well, thanks again. God bless you have a wonderful, wonderful day. And right now I just hope that you give a big smile and hold it and it’s going to be a great day. All right, that actually released a bunch of really good hormones and stuff in your body. So keep that smile on alright. God bless you talk soon.

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Your first time having sex, was it just like my experience? A bit awkward, NOT like how the movies portrayed it, and maybe even a BIT uncomfortable?

So now that you’ve done it a lot more, I bet what was uncomfortable in the beginning has started to feel a lot more comfortable, right? So, would you like to ENJOY it more?

Have you ever asked yourself these questions:

• Should I initiate? 
• Should I just go for it and stretch myself and seduce him?
• Is it okay for me to suddenly change and just go ahead and seduce him and be sexy?

Here’s what I talk about in this podcast episode:

• How to enjoy the process of seduction and lovemaking more
• Why it’s okay to be silly before being sexy
• What EXACTLY you need to do (practical tips and more!)

A lot of people say that DATING SEX is BETTER than MARRIAGE SEX. Well, that is what Delight Your Marriage wants to change.  It is our mission and we want to change it so that marriage sex is hotter, more enjoyable, and the best sex that anyone will ever have! 

Absolutely NOTHING in this life stays the same. If you choose to change and stretch yourself to become more seductive, then it’s definitely okay! And you will actually ENJOY sex more. 

If that’s not where you are in your marriage right now, it’s okay to be gentle with yourself. God is a God of new beginnings. We can always start over and change and grow your marriage into something you enjoy and look forward to! 

Resources:

I’d love to receive your answers to this VERY QUICK survey which will help me give you the kind of content you want to hear! Go to: www.delightyourmarriage.com/seductionquestions 

Also! Get 5 fantastic and practical tips to amazing seduction here!:

www.delightyourmarriage.com/5tips

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. All right, welcome, welcome. This is belah rose. And I want to thank you so much for taking time out of your life to listen in today. Stretch yourself to enjoy lovemaking. This is so important if you want to actually really relax and release yourself into the lovemaking experience as a wife. So let’s talk about this topic. Before I do, I want to thank you so much for giving me an iTunes rating a review, if you haven’t yet done that, I want to encourage you to do that that actually helps spread the word about the podcast and invites people to actually go ahead and listen. So recently received a five star rating. And I’ll just read it to you, it says great insights into a marriage exclamation point, I stumbled onto this looking for some educational bits in podcasts and love it. Exclamation point, I learned so much from listening, explanation and voice. So thank you so much, that was so helpful. And again, it encourages me and it encourages everyone else to go ahead and tune in and to be impacted not only by how to make their marriage thrive, but generally how to be the best person that you can be how to look most like Jesus, and how to walk through that. Thank you so much. Okay, well, let’s go ahead and dive into stretch yourself to enjoy lovemaking. If you’re like me, the first time you had sex, it was probably pretty awkward, somewhat uncomfortable. Felt like you didn’t know what you were doing. Just not a very positive experience. I’ve not heard it aside from movies, right? Where it’s just incredible, the very first time that’s in movies, that’s a fantasy, like existence, or your part of the in point 00 1% that that actually was very, you know, positive and, and relaxing for you, especially as women. And that’s really who I’m speaking to in this podcast. So how did sex ever become anything other than that? Well, what you did was you stretched yourself, you started with something that was very uncomfortable. And you did it enough times that it became comfortable, and suddenly, now that’s something you’re comfortable with. That’s who you are, that’s what you do in sex, because you’ve done it over and over again. So what I want to invite you to consider is, that act of stretching yourself is actually what sex is all about. When you stretch yourself into becoming more of the tigress that he’s seeking you to become, why then that is going to become who you are. And so I’m really excited because I’ve asked a lot of my audience to participate in a very short survey, it’s like two questions, actually. To just see where you are in seduction right now. Because I find that a lot of women, either they feel too silly to do it, they don’t know what to do. They feel like they’ve, you know, gone 15 years without doing anything. And suddenly they’re going to flip a switch and, and do all these things for him or to him or what to do. And the reason I am asking them for their feedback and and what’s currently going on and what their questions are, is because I want to provide content that’s actually going to help them the most. And so if you go to delight your marriage.com/seduction questions, that’s WWW dot delight your marriage.com/seduction questions, you can fill out that survey quickly for me, and what that’ll do is like I said, give me the opportunity to provide that content. Back to you. Awesome. So anyway, that’s generally what I hear from women is they don’t know what to do. And they don’t want to feel silly. And the thing is, I say this all the time, you are going to feel silly before you feel sexy. That is the process of events. You know, I’ve even heard from sex educators. These are I mean, yeah, sex educators and marriage educators where they feel too silly to seduce their husbands.

5:09
And I’m like, Well, what are we doing here? I remember speaking to someone where she was, you know, having a challenge around this topic of should she seduce? Should she initiate what should she do? And she had gone to a sex therapist, to ask if she should just go in there naked and just straddle him and take off his clothes and just go for it. And the therapist was like, no, no, you should not do that. And I’m thinking, what? How could a sex therapist say such a thing? Yes, that’s what you should do. Yes, you should stretch yourself and do things that are outside of your comfort zone. Because that’s called sexy. That’s called exciting. That’s called variety. That’s what your husband wants. I speak to husbands every single day. And that’s the kind of stuff they’re craving. For you to go for it for you to initiate for you to stretch yourself. You want him to be a man of character, but he wants you to be a woman who stretches herself. Who doesn’t say because I haven’t done it for the last 10 years, I’m not going to do it today or tomorrow. We are always changing in this life. Nothing about this life stays the same. We’re always getting more wrinkles, or we’re, you know, becoming more healthy and more fit, or we’re becoming less, so we don’t stay the same. That’s not how life works. And so I know, it feels like you’re the same person that you were 10, five years ago, you are not what you have allowed yourself to think about. To talk about the books you’ve read, the people you’ve interacted with, they change you, you are a different person. And so if you choose to stretch yourself in lovemaking, then you are becoming a different person, your husband married you, because He loves you. And part of the biggest things about marriage is sex. Right? Otherwise, you would just be roommates. And that’s what I hear so often from husbands is like, we’re just roommates. In fact, this this survey that I am collecting responses to right now, one of the husbands is like why is this sacred duty, not fulfilled this something like, like, not keeping up her end of the, of the marital contract? Something like that. And I so he I understand that, because a lot of times men i It’s almost rare that I work with couples that save themselves from marriage. I think that’s God’s best. I think it’s wonderful. And the reality is that a lot of people don’t. So for the people that don’t, a lot of them say dating sex was way better than marriage, sex. That’s one of the missions of dy M is to change that, to make a movement where people can’t wait to get married, because the sex is so hot. The sex is so good. It’s so frequent. It’s so exciting. That’s what is God’s best. That’s what God wants for your marriage. But anyway, so if you think about the fact that when you were dating, you there was this risk of I might lose this guy. I want to attract him, I want to look my best. I want to, I want to show him how great of a lady I am. Right. So that was really important. Let’s say you guys waited to marriage. Really proud of you. That’s awesome. But you probably had that same way of thinking for at least the first couple years of marriage where you’re like I you know, I want to make him happy, make him wild. Let him know that he married the right girl, all of these things. And then a couple of years later, just a couple literally, that’s what studies show a couple of years. Maybe kids came along, maybe busyness just took over. And you just started seeing your husband not as a sexual being that you used to see him as. But now you see him as someone who is who works and who’s busy with the kids and you know who’s supposed to help around the house and it’s all about the family now and all this and yet. He didn’t become less sexual, because you did. He is still that same person who is sexual who desires the variety, who loves

10:04
that. I remember one man telling me it felt like I got trapped in my marriage feels like she lured me in with her awesome sex appeal. And then it completely shut off. And I was trapped. And honestly, that’s not a unique sentiment. And yet it should be, it should be horribly rare. That should never be the case. If you decided you were going to get married, you decided you would marry his sex drive, and, and his passion and his craving of what you essentially promised him from the beginning, that his expectations were that you would continue to stretch yourself in lovemaking, you would continue to pursue him with fire with passion with vigor with fierceness. So if that’s not where you are right now, I want you to just be gentle with yourself, I want you to forgive yourself. Whether it’s been, like I said, decades, or whether it’s been six months. God is a God of new beginnings. He’s a God that says, You know what? I forgive you. We can start over. And that’s what I want you to trust now is that you can start over you don’t have to pretend like consistency is most important in your life. You don’t have to be consistent from who you were yesterday, you can be completely different. That’s the thing. That’s the beauty of life is you can change, you can grow, you can become better, you should never be the same. You should always be growing. We are never done. I am so far from who I was just five years ago. I’m so different. Thank God. And I hope in five years I’ll be completely different again, I have so much to learn. We all do. And I hope that this episode is going to say you know what? Have I stretched myself in intimacy yet? When was the last time I really stretched myself. I would encourage you to do that. Your husband craves exciting, new variety, passion, love seduction, I want you to stretch yourself. So if you haven’t yet picked up my five tips to great seduction, you can go to www dot delight your marriage comm slash the number five tip s five tips. And what that’ll do is just give you a sheet of what are some really fantastic and practical ways that you can stretch and grow yourself. And like I said, I would love to hear from you in terms of what your specific questions are. And you can go to that survey really quick survey I would love to hear from you deliver WWW dot delight your marriage.com/seduction questions no matter what you’re picking up out of this, I hope it is that today. Tonight. You can do more. You can stretch yourself. You can do that little dirty talk text. We’ll talk about that. I don’t necessarily like the word dirty in fact, but you can text him Something bit more adventurous you can send them a photo that would be kind of exciting. You can do all sorts of things that you haven’t done in a long time including lingerie including straggling of including French kisses, including touching as member all of these things penny you know there’s so much that I want to invite you to stretch yourself into so you can grow so you can change so you can love Him the way that he receives love. Alright, God bless you. Thank you so much for joining and I will talk to you soon.

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I used to think “if I just got thin enough then I’d be confident.” But, then I did. And I didn’t.

Our society tricks us into thinking beauty is only a certain thing. But God made us beautiful. And when you don’t love your body your chances of loving sex is far lower.

On this episode I want to help you see more clearly and not have the inappropriate expectations of yourself that is inhibiting your joy and passion in sex.

I also have some help for husbands on how to help their wives in this area.

I used to be bulimic when I met my husband. He has loved me through lots of different shapes of my body and I gotta tell you, that kind of love encourages a wife to be sexually free and pleasured.

I answer:

• How can you feel more confident in your body
• Why the negativity is stealing your sex drive
• How you can conquer the inner critic
• The balance between loving your body and being healthy
• What the FIRST step is to getting there

If you’d like more specific tips on how to seduce, here’s a FREE resource for you: The 5 Tips On Amazing Seduction PDF

Love,

Belah

Also, if you are looking to get clear on what’s really blocking you from having incredible intimacy, I’d like to invite you to a FREE 40-minute Clarity Call ($500 value) with me to help you uncover what is really going on. If I think you’d be a good fit for one of my programs then we can talk about that. But you’ll get fantastic value either way! Schedule here!

transcript

0:01
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy. Learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. All right, welcome. Welcome.

0:20
There it is. That is the option one of the new introduction to the podcast. So if you have been here for a while, I would love to hear what you have to say. Or if this is your first time, how does it make you feel? I’m going to play option two. Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast.

0:39
You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty,

0:43
power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. Hey there, thank you so much for joining me, this is belah rose. And I wanted to talk today about loving your body so that you will love sex. Now if this is your first time on the show, I’m really grateful that you’re here. As I mentioned, I would love for you to give me feedback on what you would like in terms of the Introductory Music. If you’ve listened to the podcast before, if you’re one of the 680,000 listeners that have have logged on or listens that have been downloaded, thank you so much for being here. And I would love to hear what you think if you would like option one, or option two. And all you have to do is go ahead to add an iTunes review. Share if if you would, I would so appreciate a five star review. That would mean a lot and it would help people come to the podcast. But also if you would also share something that you’ve learned because that will help me know what you appreciate about the podcast so that I can do that. More of that kind of content. And then the end just right in option one or option two. Thank you so much. Alright, so let’s go ahead and dive into loving your body so that you love sex. Now, for the wives listening, this is going to be directed at you. But there are definitely men that need to hear this message because this is how women think. And it’ll be really helpful because I have some specific things that my husband did for me, that actually changed the way that I think about my own body. So if you don’t love your body, it’s really hard to love sex. It’s not news to you probably for me to say, when you have been brainwashed to believe that you’re not enough. And marketers do that, because it makes you want to buy their products, whether it’s skin care, whether it’s makeup, whether it’s certain clothes that hide certain things, or make you look a certain way, whether it’s specific. Just just tons of different products, not to mention, you know, the the medical field that that benefits from you thinking that your body’s not good enough. But God Himself fashioned your form. You are literally God’s masterpiece, you were made in the image of God, in the image of God himself. That’s every part of who you are God made in His image, and he said, You are good. You are his masterpiece. And if you think about it, when a baby is newborn, we look at the fingers and the toes and the hair and the smell and the nose and the eyes and we just say that baby’s perfect. All of the peculiarities of that baby is perfect, whether that’s their skin color, whether it’s their complexion, whether it’s every single detail. We know that God made them. It says he knit us together in our mother’s wombs. There’s no question about it. He was the one responsible for how you look. So where did that perfection go? When you were called perfect when you were an infant? And now suddenly, years later, you’ve become someone who’s far from that. When did it become acceptable to be self critical of yourself? Would you be okay if your daughter was self critical of herself, the same way that you are of yourself? Do you think it’s a good thing? The way you think about yourself the way you think about your body? Is that the way you would want your own daughter to feel. I speak to a lot of mothers when I work with them or on Clarity Calls or whatever and They don’t they wish they were different for their daughter sakes, because these kinds of things are passed down. So if your answer is no, you wouldn’t want her to think about this way. Why do you do it? And it’s probably because, you know, you ideally, would want yourself and you know, think about your daughter, right? You would want your daughter to accept who she is, and to trust God that He made her exactly who she is on purpose that He made her beautiful on purpose.

5:38
So I’m telling you this with a lot of conviction and enthusiasm. But am I exempt from this? No, I am not. It’s, I am much better than I was. I used to hate my belly, I used to even be bulimic for years of my life, I used to think certain areas were too much certain areas were not enough. I used to, you know, have fantasies about all sorts of different you know, medical interventions of, of making my body look very, very different. So what changed? Well, several things that my husband did, and several things that I did. So my husband’s complete acceptance of my body. From day one, it was like he never saw a single flaw. And it has been like that over and over and over again, he has never seen anything but beauty when he has seen my body. As far as I know. That’s, that’s all he sees when he looks at me. Number two, my husband’s strong opposition to hearing any negativity about my body. He does not stand for it. When I, you know, had days where I’d call myself fat, or ugly, or these issues or these things, he just wasn’t gonna stand for it even just the other day. I think it was yesterday, I mentioned in front of my son that, oh, did you see that guy that a friend of ours? So it looks like he lost some weight? Right? And my husband, like, looked at me and then looked at our son, and it was just this disappointed look like, Why? Why are you thinking that way? You know, that’s not what he said. But if we had been alone, that’s what he would have said, like, I don’t want our son to think that way.

7:34
Like, why are you? Why are you? Why are we noticing

7:37
these things. As though that were, you know, and I and I’m not saying it’s? Well, we’ll talk more about weight and all that stuff in a little bit. But anyway, he just has this strong opposition to hearing any negativity about my body. The third thing he did was his constant and continuous encouragement, and compliments. He just always has told me how beautiful it is, and how wonderful it looks, and just all sorts of compliments. And they’re not always sexual compliments. A lot of times, they’re just compliments about its beauty and touching the places that he finds beautiful, with no strings attached. He’s not touching me to turn me on to make love. He’s touching me because he loves all these areas of myself. And then alongside that, he has been empathetic when I have become insecure about maybe some kind of outfit, because at times I remember and it doesn’t happen very often anymore. But there’ll be times where I wear something that I wasn’t totally comfortable with, because I didn’t like the way I looked in it completely. and I were something and he would he would complement you know me, he would say it looked good. But if for any reason I was the one that was uncomfortable, or I didn’t like it, or I felt fat in it, you know, I was able to tell him that and he would have empathy for me in a way of Oh, well. You know, honey, if you want to change I you know, I’m I think it looks beautiful. I think it looks wonderful. But it’s up to you. I want you to feel comfortable. That’s the thing he wrote always emphasize that he wants me to feel comfortable. And whatever I wear whatever I put on. However I look, he wants me to be comfortable. That’s his biggest motivation. And so what that shows me is not that he was annoyed by me feeling fat. No, it was he had empathy. That that’s truly a struggle for me and many, many women out there. So those are the things that he did. He had again number one complete acceptance of in love for my body. never a doubt never critical comment. And it was very clear that that was not something that was important to him. Number two, my husband’s strong opposition to hearing any negativity about my body, whether it was I wish it was this way, you know, this kind of issue, that kind of issue. But then number three has constant and continuous empathy, and encouragement and complements. So the empathy there I think, is key because of the eating and the bulimia. Early on in our relationship, I was able to end the bulimia as a result of sharing with him, and his emphatic sadness on how I could have looked at my body so poorly. And and, and so that ended but a lot of the mindset stuff was still there. And still has to be battled at times. But for, for him to listen, you know, when the binging would still happen, even years into our marriage, for him to listen at my sadness that I had just done that or for him to be willing to hold me in that and just with an empathetic ear, just to listen, just to reflectively listen about how I was feeling and to not judge me if it were to happen again, that maybe he’s even seeing me eat more than I’m clearly wanting to, or that I need to, but he never judged he would never make it look like I was silly or stupid for doing those choices, because that wasn’t ultimately going to help me in the moment. Just beautiful, he’s done amazing, amazing, loving things. But then I want to talk about the things that I have decided some things that I have really worked on. So one is my decision that I am enough, my decision that I am enough that Gosh, darn it, I have what I have, and I am grateful for it. Think about it, how many people on their deathbeds would

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just crave to trade bodies with you, it doesn’t matter how it looks or who it is or what things you don’t like about it, if only they had your body, they would be amazed they would be so thrilled. So the decision that I am enough number two, my faith statements about how beautiful I am, how sexy I am, how how well I have been formed and the way God made me. And number three, my decision to trust that God knew what He was doing when he created me that He created me beautifully. That I Am that I don’t have to compare myself to anything to say whether or not I’m beautiful, beautiful. I am beauty because that’s God who created me beautiful, and wonderful. One thing that I find really special is that my husband tells me how often he loves my stretch marks. Funny enough, I did a genogram test recently, just learn more about health risks and how to best be healthy and those kinds of things. But it did talk about some areas that you are more or less likely to have. And one of mine, actually genetically is that I’m more prone to stretch marks. So it just kind of funny. But I actually have a lot because of that, I guess, genetic thing. And also with each of my pregnancies, I gained a lot of weight. But anyway, my husband tells me how beautiful they are to him. Because it’s this constant reminder of what I did for him and for our family to give him such wonderful children. And it’s incredible. Almost like this wave this wash of, of good feelings of like, his acceptance of every detail, every centimeter, everything that the world might say isn’t good enough. It’s like no, my husband is attracted to me. I am his standard of beauty. I am his wife, just like Adam saw Eve. And she was beautiful. There was no standard he had to compare her against that was his wife and he was fully attracted to who she was. So I have gained plenty of weight. Throughout my time with my husband, I have had food issues for pretty much my whole life. I still have a proclivity of that at times. By God’s grace, I’m far better than I have been in the past. But I have to remind myself every day that I am enough that I am sexy that I am beautiful. And some of the things that I have done to honestly challenge myself to challenge the the cultural norms of what is beautiful is a lot of times I don’t wear makeup. None. In fact, a lot of times my hair looks disheveled. And, you know, that’s just part of it. Part of me deciding that I’m beautiful no matter what. Also my, my clothing is usually very simple. Sometimes I have, you know, something cute or fancy that I want to, you know, spice things up with. But that’s, that’s the thing I can. And in both context, I’m beautiful. And so I want to invite you and encourage you to think outside of the box, you don’t have to look a certain way, regardless of where you’re coming from. You can be you and that is enough. It’s beautiful. It’s beautiful without the eyeliner, the mascara, the makeup, the dolled up hair, the, the fancy clothes, the, you know, sucking in or the, you know, all the Spanx and all these things, the high heels, all of that you can be beautiful, just as who you are. And I think that, for me is a very helpful, honestly practice for me to just constantly reassure myself that I am enough, exactly as I am. So I think we all have proclivities in certain ways, so certain proclivities to sin, I think, some people have certain proclivities of things like greed or things like even same sexual attraction, or some people have proclivities on judging others. And I guess I’ll mention the same sex attraction for a second just to, if you have a proclivity towards this, it doesn’t mean that you are quote, gay, it means that you have a proclivity towards it. The only thing that God says in the Bible is the sin of making love to someone of the same gender, same genitalia. And I think there’s a lot of theology there that I’m not going to get into, because I don’t understand it all. But I think there’s a lot more grace than we necessarily give. But I also want to say that

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I know a lot of women even come to me with this concern that that’s something that turns them on. And we all have proclivities, we all it doesn’t mean that you are sinful, because that’s where your mind goes. And that’s something I mean, like I said, this proclivity to eating or proclivity to, maybe a lot of people have proclivity to stealing or to greed, or to all sorts of different things, every sin out there, some people, it’s easier or harder for them. And so I just want to give you some grace there of, you know, one of my proclivities is to judge other people around their weight and beauty. And I think a lot of us do, and I think that’s why we are where we are, in terms of our society. But by God’s grace, like I said, I’ve gotten a lot farther than I have been in the past. But let’s talk about this, you might be listening to me and being like, Okay, well, there’s, there’s something to your husband wants you to look beautiful. And yes, there is a balance. And I want to talk about that. Because number one, we want to look our best for our spouse, you know, when we know what form our husband is attracted to, we as wives want to give him that it’s just it’s natural, we, we want to be desired. But number two, you have to accept yourself as beautiful and sexy in order to enjoy sex, you cannot enjoy sex, unless you accept yourself as beautiful and sexy. So you cannot be down on yourself, when you when you feel you don’t fit into that mold. So I get comments from husbands constantly about how I understand them. And that’s why my men’s programs are extremely effective by God’s grace, because I understand them. And as I’m a woman, I work with men too. But so I’m also understand the women so I’m able to kind of translate it from what a woman sees how she feels what a woman sees and feels into what a man needs to understand in order to move where she will ultimately want to make love to him. So I’d like to try to make things simple. I also want to let you know that I am aware that bold simplicity is not the best thing. There’s so many things outside of this but to give you as much value in this, this is the framework that I think is helpful. So I think that men want three things to feel fulfilled in marriage. They want respect. They want to feel that they are enough. And number three, they want sexual generosity. And then zooming into what sexual generosity is, let’s break that down. The three things men want in sex is an amazing attitude. From her, he wants her to want sex, he wants her to love sex, he wants her to want to have sex with him. He wants her to want all sorts of different things. And sexual it’s the attitude. Number two is the visuals. Where he gets to see her body, he gets to see all sorts of different things in her body, he gets to see her in lingerie, he gets to see her, but that lingerie stores all sorts of the duct and all that. So number two is visuals. And number three, for her to love his member. So assuming that you’re motivated to make your husband happy, and to love your husband, the way that he receives love, which is I believe it’s an extremely biblical principle. I’m going to start with that as your motivation. So your attitude for you to have this, you have to love your body. Studies show that women who accept their bodies enjoy sex more. And as Emily naugus Nagaur ski PhD points out. Imagine that you are insecure about your body, it takes away any desire to have sex. So you cannot have a sex drive. If you despise your body. If you are critical of it, it takes away every desire that you have. So you’re looking at yourself from across the room and noticing how something bulges or something juggles that you wish didn’t. Or you don’t relax to a place of presence and actually feeling what’s going on, on your skin or on or inside your ReSSA or you cannot focus on your pleasure to enjoy the deeper orgasms because you’re just so focused on how you don’t look like you’re enough or how you’re not enough. Your body is not that is a huge one. You know when I go through again, different different. I have a masterclass right now

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that’s available on my site that you know, when I go through women go through it with women, that’s one of the biggest blocks she has to live in her sexy self I think is what the name of it is to being the godly sexy woman she’s supposed to be. Anyway, visuals and variety. Now that the seconds, desire, he wants an intimacy. This is especially where women get tripped up. We women want to be desired, we want to be the only thing that catches his attention. If he loves her body so much. For a lot of women, this is how they think if he loves her body so much, it must follow that he loves all women’s bodies so much. So she wants him to love hers the most. So then the only way he could really love hers is if it were perfect. So he can’t see hers unless it’s perfect. And it’s not perfect, so he can’t see it. Now I remember coaching one man, he was like, that doesn’t make any sense to me for you to say that. She wants me to desire her the most. That doesn’t make sense because she won’t even let me see her body. And as a as a woman, it’s like, how does that not make sense? Of course it makes sense. She doesn’t she wants you to only crave her. But she doesn’t feel like she’s enough. And so she won’t let you see the imperfections. So yeah, logically, maybe it doesn’t make sense. But that is the that is the way the thought goes. If he loves her body so much. And he says, you know, can I see you? Can I see you? Can’t you take your clothes off? Or Can’t you? You know, wear this lingerie, all that. What that says to her is okay, you must love all women’s bodies this much. And at the same time, she wants you to only love her body the most. So the only way that he could really love hers the most is if it were perfect above everyone else’s. So she can’t show it to you unless it’s perfect. And it’s not perfect, so she won’t show it to you. So let’s talk about perfection. What is perfect. Body perfection is different in different cultures. And in the technological world, where billboards and internet and magazines show the current cultural ideal of beauty. It has certain contours, certain proportions, certain things that essentially our society thinks this is what is beautiful. And so the interesting thing though, is If you are at all familiar with art history, in previous centuries, it was a very different, I want to estimate something like maybe the 16th century, if you look at any of those museums, or you look that up online could be a little later earlier than that, honestly. But medical, if today’s this is what I was gonna say, if today’s medical technology was available for those women back then. And they saw women with our current 21st century model type bodies, I bet there would be reverse liposuction, in order to give these women some, some, a little bit of guts a little bit of padding around their, their midsection and around their, their cheeks and their face and all these other places, I think there would be a very different push for what beauty looks like. So we have been brainwashed to say what is or isn’t beautiful nowadays. So I want to just reiterate, you are beautiful. The mirror does not get to tell you whether or not that is true. It is true. This is just a an example of a typical experience between women is oh my gosh, you look great. If you’ve lost weight, it’s just this very, very typical, like, oh, wow, look at you, you know, just this constant emphasis on that even I

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meet up with several really driven ambitious women, once a week on video chat, and we talk about our goals. And we focus on what we think God is, is drawing us towards and we keep each other accountable is a great, great group. And so we do a quarter recap every, every quarter, and that helps us to refocus and realign and think about what our goals were for the quarter and how we did on them. And then what our goals for the coming quarter. And so anyway, a recent quarter recap meeting, the one of the ladies was like so I got my goal weight, which is actually the the weight I’ve wanted to be my whole life. So I’m here. And so oh my gosh, we all were like, Oh, that was awesome, great job. And upon reflecting later, some other things that were said on that call, we’re things like character stuff. And things like becoming closer to Jesus and having a lifestyle that’s more balanced based on what we think God wants us to be about, or pursuing a certain thing rather than another thing or making hard choices or, you know, in terms of eternity. It’s not even comparable, like there’s no way to compare how much more important were these other things versus the weight loss. And yet, immediately, our minds all went to, that’s an amazing accomplishment. So I just want to challenge you, if you have been in my shoes literally just weeks ago, where the slip ups happen. You know, this is something I’ve thought through and prayed through and had lots of experience, considering and yet, I still get tripped up in the same exact way. So I just want you to know, you are beautiful. The mirror doesn’t get to tell you whether or not that’s true. The scale doesn’t get to tell you whether or not that’s true. It is true. You were designed that way. You were designed that way. So some of you may be thinking whether your husband or wife, you might be thinking well, overweight or obesity, there’s there certain standards if you you have to be a certain way otherwise it’s not healthy. And so if you’re overweight, by medical standards, then it’s indicative of other things. So it’s not that you are precluded from enjoying and loving your body now. This is the first step to having the body you love is loving your body first. And you then decide it’s worth it to take good care of it because you love this body. You’re not just a brain being carried around by a sack of skin. Your body God made it and if you don’t enjoy and love your body, you cannot enjoy it. love sex? Because you don’t think it’s good? Why would you? Why would you spend this energy and effort to relax into a place of, of physical enjoyment? When you’re like, my body is gross? Sex is gross, why are you touching me, don’t do that. You can’t, the first thing you have to do is love it. And it’s not that, you know, when you love your body, that you’re suddenly gonna not care anymore, and you’re, you’re just gonna all be, you know, the floodgates open and you can eat whatever you want. And you never have to work out and all that because the truth is, if you love your body, you’re going to eat well, and you’re going to want to make it feel good through working out. And because, I mean, everything works better when you eat and live healthily your body gets cleaned out the right way, you, you feel better, that’s called taking care of it, that’s called Loving it. But the first thing has to happen in your mind, that it’s worth it, your body is worthy of love.

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You know, sometimes I think, and this is gonna sound strange, but I think it’s a blessing to have health issues. Because what that does is it makes you have to have limits, and disciplines that actually make us better people. So when I’m overweight, it’s because I’ve been numbing myself with food. When I’m feeling insecure about my body, the way it looks, it’s probably because I haven’t sweated recently I haven’t worked out, it’s funny, because I can look at myself before working out and look at myself after working out and after, I’ll always feel sexier, it’s just, it’s the feeling, it has nothing to do with reality, it’s not like, I suddenly change shape. By workout, it’s just the feeling I have. So even just a little amount every day, it makes you feel better, it makes your body feel better, it makes you love your body more. And like I said, just working up a sweat. I mean, you could do 50 Jumping jacks and do that, you know, probably or you do some, you know, a simple jog, or, you know, a brisk walk where you walk a little, you know, extra and fast and you know, and, and you get there and then who knows if it’ll grow from there that you can start working out in a bit stronger of a way. And like I said, this is for your brain and your mind and your, your body to feel good. It’s not about trying to be that standard of cultural beauty, right? That’s cultural. So one thing, again, if you’re overweight, by medical standards, you may have a health issue that’s not being addressed. So for example, you may have low thyroid Hashimotos is an actual autoimmune disease that if not dealt with, can make you at risk for other autoimmune diseases. And so I have Hashimotos. And when I found that out, I was like, Oh, my gosh, I need to, I need to take this seriously. And it’s more than just taking pills. It’s a lifestyle change, that you can actually affect how this illness proceeds and how so many illnesses proceed, if you can take care of your body. So because I have that I have severe restrictions on what I can eat. But you know what, it’s actually limitations that free me. It allows me with every bite, to affirm to myself that I love this life, that I love my body that I love my family, that I love my husband, that I want to enjoy intimacy that I want to enjoy this body that I want to have energy. I love those things enough to live within these limits. And I am feeling more and more confident because I am loving my body. And my body is feeling more and more healthy as a result. But it all starts with you loving your body first. As Janine Roth says, and women food and God, which I highly recommend, it’s not a Christian book, but I highly recommend it. Given that you just recognize it not coming from a Christian perspective. But one thing she she essentially the theme is you can’t criticize and hate your body into perfection and then love it. You’re not going to love it at the end of that road. You can’t hate your body into loving it. So she gets stories from women who worked so hard calorie counting and shaming and over exercising and obsessing to finally get their goal rate and they’re happy for a little time, but then they still have I have all those negative feelings flooding back because it is that pattern of thought. So I want to circle back to something that I say a lot. And I think it’s so true. But sex makes us better people. I think that’s one of the reasons God made it so important for all of us humans, because sex in marriage makes us better people.

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So a husband and wife came to me. And if you haven’t yet had a clarity call with me, and you really feel like, you really want things to transform in your marriage and your intimacy and, and things are in a rough spot, you really need transformation, then I invite you to get on a call with me. And potentially this could be the right fit for you to really see absolute nine day transformation. So husband, I was speaking with on the phone, he called me and he told me about his wife. And he told me, you know, she doesn’t like intimacy, she basically just does it as a duty or a chore. Feels like she doesn’t know what to do. It feels like, you know, she’s willing to try new things, but she doesn’t. She doesn’t like embrace them or go out of her way to, to figure it out. And, you know, I feel depressed and sad about it. And so that was kind of the way he was talking to. So I thought, Okay, well, I think I’ve got a pretty good sense of what’s going on here. I probably just need to work with your wife. And so I told him about the wife’s program, he made the investment, he thought that was a great idea. So then I spoke to her and asked her all the questions that I usually do, and come to find out, it became very clear in my eyes that he also needed to work with me, yes, I needed to work with her, but I definitely needed to work with him. And so when I circled back and mentioned this, he insisted it was just her. And, you know, I, I spent some time, kind of praying it over a little bit of time waiting. And I said that I wouldn’t take her on unless I could take him on as well. And I mentioned, you know, if it’s budget things I could take you on first and then take her on, but I’m not willing to just take her on. I just and and you know, I felt like I would actually make their situation worse, if I only took her on. And so he said he understood. Well, here’s what he said sorry. He said he understood where she was going to change. But what he didn’t understand is where he needed to change. Who was he going to become at the end of this journey? And I said, You’ll change you become a man that she wants to have amazing free fierce intimacy with you understand that you’ll change into becoming a man that she wants to have amazing, free fierce intimacy with. So what does that man look like? What does it look like today after this, this work with me? Well, literally weeks into our work together, he had an absolute transformation shift of complete. I mean, a night and day difference. He doesn’t see his wife the same way. He doesn’t see sex the same way. He understands things so differently, and you know what his sex life has transformed? I think he even said something like, Well, I don’t want to quote him directly. But I’ll ask him if I can quote him directly in the future. But just he is the result at the transformations. Absolutely. And she is as well. She tells me how happy she is in her marriage and how, how excited she has to see him and it’s just incredible how God can transform things. And but he transformed to be a man who’s living out love and joy and peace and patience and goodness and kindness and gentleness and faithfulness, and self control, and to have a deep love and true and consistent pursuit of Jesus. So that’s who women want to make love with. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of the phrase of Oh, he’s so sexy. He’s so good with kids. That’s true, because women want to make love with men that exhibit those qualities and those qualities are good with kids. So for a woman to want to make love, that’s who a man has to be for a woman to want to make love to him. For a woman who to want to make love. She has to discipline her mind, to not compare, to have confidence, to not obsess with beauty. Also to not have a stressful life. To Be at peace, because stress kills sex drive like nothing else. It’s a very small percent, but there are people that, that feel inspired to make love as a result of sex. But for the vast majority of women, it makes them have a very low sex drive. And then finally, to serve her husband in the ways that he receives love, that’s what she has to become, in order to want to make love. So

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that is essentially why I want to tell you that for you to love your body first, it will cause you to then want to love sex, you can’t do it the other way around. You can’t hate your body into loving it. Loving but your body is required for you to love sex. So I want to invite your dear wives, start out with face statements start out with statements that you say every day, have a goal of five statements that you’re going to say every day in the mirror, you’re going to say I love my body, I love my curves. My body turns my husband on it is incredible the way my body looks, Lord, You created me on purpose and every centimeter of me is sexy and beautiful. And you say those things within Uzi Azzam, and passion and excitement and get your body into it, use your hands, get yourself to really believe it. And pretty soon you will, pretty soon you will. And dear husbands, I want you to do the same thing in discipline your mind that your wife is the standard of beauty. Adam did not compare Eve to anyone else. She was the standard of beauty. She was beautiful. And so I want to challenge you husbands in that. But then also wives just so you know, way, way too many times, I guess what he should say so often I hear from men, that my wife is like, so hot, but she won’t let me see your body. That’s what he’ll tell me. This happens so often. Then he’ll say, Oh, she’s smoking hot, but she won’t let me see her body. That happens so often, that I want to challenge your wives. He is not judging you. He wants to see your body. You’ve got to love it first. And it will influence how much you love sex. It’ll make you want more. You know, if you want more insights on seducing your husband and loving him, I’m really excited because I have a free resource for you. That’s all about giving you the top five seduction tips that I think is going to be really key in giving you that next step of what to do and how to get yourself to that level of confidence. Awesome. Well, I invite you and encourage you to go to www dot delight your marriage.com/five tips, the number five and tip s and you’ll have the five tips on selection. Awesome. Okay, well, I will talk to you soon. God bless bye