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When she found out he went to jail because he almost killed his father and was a diagnosed sociopath… a thought struck her: “I will trust him with the lives of my future children”.

There are so many amazing topics for this week’s podcast, I’m not sure which ones should I write here! Marie and I talk more in depth about her relationship with God and her relationship with her husband.

These are just some of the things we talk about:

• what life with a husband who is a sociopath looks like — and no, it’s not what you may think!
• the defining features of a sociopath and how they got a “psychological miracle”
• how her husband tried to kill his father and landed in jail
• her husband was a devout atheist until he started reading the Bible and now millions watch his Apologetics debates defending Christianity
• Marie was back to being a Christian after reading an Apologetics book
• how their complete honesty helped solidify their relationship
• how reading the Bible helps David in his daily life

Other topics that we talk about

• how sex should be treated as a spiritual bond and not just as a physical bonding between married couples
• how there’s no aspect of YOUR story cannot be touched by God’s grace
• how deeply and truly God’s love can transform and change our perspective about ourselves and our marriages

Marie serves as vice president for a non-profit organization to connect people affected by myotubular myopathy. You can find out more about the non-profit that connects families here at: www.mtm-cnm.org

You can watch David Wood’s videos here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCy5H0uunC2qMk0iOF4SHKUw

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Also, if you’d like a free 1:1 Clarity Call with Belah u– a $500 value! She is offering that free to her audience–men or women. Here you will get insights into what’s blocking you from incredible intimacy in your marriage. Sign up for a time to speak to Belah at www.delightyourmarriage.com/call

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah. Rose.

0:21
All righty, welcome. Welcome. This is belah. Rose, have you listened to part one of Murray’s interview? If you haven’t, it’s phenomenal. So you won’t want to miss that. But today, oh my gosh, her husband’s actually a sociopath, not a joke. You need to hear the story. It is insane. So definitely, stay tuned before we dive into all the amazing insights that Marie shares and what their life looks like. And it’s just an incredible, incredible their story. I want to invite you to speak with me one on one really exciting by God’s grace, this is the 19th of the top 30 relationship podcast, I work with therapists who also work with marriages and I have coached with leaders in the marriage field and all these kinds of things, by God’s grace been able to transform their marriages, and I don’t want you to suffer anymore. And maybe this is your opportunity to get help and things transformed. Whether or not I think that I can help you, I’ll let you know. And if so that’s the catch is that I’m going to let you know what possibility I might have to be able to help you. But if not, it’s still a free 40 minute call with me, where you’re going to get a ton of clarity and value. So if that’s you and you feel like yeah, I want to figure out what’s blocking me for moving forward in my marriage and intimacy and playfulness and fierceness and sex and freedom and sex. I want to talk with you about that. It’s www dot delight your marriage.com/call ca LL and I look forward to talking to you. Okay, let’s dive in. This is going to be

2:06
awesome. Great, well, I want to backtrack a little bit, because we talked about, I think, you know, huge amazing, like what your life looks like now. I want to hear a bit more about your marriage. A bit more about David. I’ve got a lot of questions. So. So you said Okay, so this is, um, you mentioned that you guys have been married 17 years? Is that what you said? Yeah, we’re

2:53
coming up on our 17th anniversary. Congratulations. That’s so exciting. Yeah. Um,

3:00
can you tell me what’s unique about your relationship?

3:05
What’s unique? Oh, gosh. Well, I guess, um, I guess I just start off with that. He, you know, he has, he’s a sociopath. So he and had,

3:28
he doesn’t form emotional attachments, the way that other people do. And he isn’t able to empathize the way that the rest of us can, or he can’t empathize. Based on experience, he could try to empathize based on his observations of what is a normal reaction in certain situations and, and how to kind of respond in that, but he can’t emotionally empathize. So, um, I think that creates sort of an interesting puzzle and challenge and dynamic in our relationship. You know, I always tell people I don’t recommend like don’t go out and find Yeah, but um, yeah.

4:26
Your dating profile

4:33
but again, it was just, it wasn’t like I sought this out, but it was just how it happened and who God brought me to and how we fell in love. It was just happen. I mean, we did meet in college on the speech and debate team and we just enjoyed arguing so much. We decided

4:57
yeah, well, I was actually I was sort of a lapsed Catholic at the time, I had grown up very devout, and I lost my faith in college to a degree. I mean, I still would probably call myself a Christian, but maybe kind of believe something like, you know, there’s a God in the sense that somebody created this and started it all. And, you know, you know, maybe God is like the creative force in the universe, kind of something sort of like a new age perspective. When I joined the debate team, he was actually in a conversation with a Muslim at the time, who later became a really prominent Christian apologist Nabeel Qureshi. And so he, but he was a Muslim, when we all met on the debate team. So you’ve got me an agnostic, basically, David, a former atheist and Abele as a Muslim. And then we all get into this conversation about the resurrection of Jesus Christ. And, you know, so you’ll be able to say, No, he didn’t rise to saying, Yes, he did. And I was saying, well, everybody can be right, because no one has that, you know, whatever you believe that leads you into being a good person. And, you know, early matter, right? He just focused on that. And we, we just started debating, and he was sharing apologetics books with me. And I was, I was just fascinated, because I’ve never really been exposed to that. And I had actually been taught that, like, you’re not supposed to use your intellect, because that’s the opposite of faith. And that was probably something that led me away from Christ. Because I was sort of, you know, an intellectual type, and and so telling me that that’s not a part of Christianity, then that’s a turn off. Sure. So David was kind of breaking that stereotype for me, because he’s really brilliant. And so, after a couple of weeks of this, I, I went to church with him and made a profession of faith. And wow, I really well actually what happened was, we were, it was right before final exams in the fall semester. And he was we were at his house, he was studying, and I was reading on apologetics. And all of a sudden, I start crying, and he says, what’s wrong. And I look at him and I say, I’m wrong. I am wrong. And what had happened was I just had this conviction of sin. And I just, it was as if I was looking at a mirror. And in my, in my bedroom was it when I was growing up, I had this mirror and I used to hang stuff on it and like put little stickers on it and little pictures and sashes and ways and Mardi Gras beads. And to the point where like, I could almost not even see myself when I looked in the mirror. And when I what had happened was I was sitting on his couch and I’m reading this book and just realizing that all these assumptions I had made were wrong. And that me just being so conceited about, Oh, I’m so smart. I know better than these Christians and then finding out that I’m really wrong. And it was it that mirror was in front of me again. And all those pieces were gone. And it was clear. And I was looking at myself. And I was wrong. I there’s something wrong with me. And and that was what made me cry. And so again, he didn’t really respond to that except to just hug me. He was just holding me while I was crying. And it was when we went to church the next day that I made the profession of faith and yeah, yeah,

8:41
I’m sure Okay, so it’s incredible. Um, do you remember what the book was? Do you remember by chance?

8:48
Um, I was reading. It was a couple of different books that I was reading at that time that I was reading case for faith by Lee Strobel and I was reading it was another book about the resurrection by Gary habra mass, and I was reading some books by William Lane Craig, reasonable faith. And I think the book that I was reading by Gary Habermas was called The Seven the sunrises. I don’t even know if that’s in print anymore. I was also reading more than a carpenter by Josh McDowell. So it was just yeah, those are the books that I was reading at that time.

9:29
Yeah. And just in case anyone isn’t aware apologetics. Can you just a quick definition of what that means? So

9:39
apologetics comes from the passage in First Peter 315 always prepared, be prepared to give an answer to anyone who asks you for the reason for the hope that you have. And so, that reason is your apologia. And so apologetics is not apologizing for your faith as if you’re a Christian. You are providing the rational, the rationale behind why you’re a Christian. So for me, the aspect of apologetics that I found persuasive, what were a couple things, one was challenging the idea that the universe could just form on its own, that life could form on its own. And also, the fact that there’s just so much historicity behind Jesus’s resurrection. And so those two elements were really what caused me to, to look at myself and reevaluate how I’d been living and the assumptions I’ve been making. You know, I guess you could, I felt like I was a, you know, a good person, I, I did a lot of, you know, community service. And, um, and I used to donate blood and platelets. And, you know, as I was looking, you know, I volunteered at Operation Smile, like I said, and stuff like that. So I felt like, I’m a good person, you know, but I realized there’s something deeply, deeply wrong with me that there was just, you know, I guess is the only way to describe it is like a conviction of sin. But um, yeah, that’s what that’s what happened at that moment.

11:24
So it’s incredible. Oh, that’s just incredible.

11:27
Well, it’s funny, because sometimes people say, you know, that apologetics can’t really be used to save people. And I said, Well, I mean, for me, it really was a huge part of it. I mean, that’s how it kind of took away the excuses. I had it took away. It has humbled me, I guess you could say, yeah, absolutely. Posing, you know, my own inconsistencies and flaws.

11:54
Yeah, that’s wonderful. Absolutely. Okay, so. So tell me if you don’t mind, I heard David’s testimony a little bit. Would you mind sharing, kind of his, you know, his testimony of how he discovered he was a sociopath. And how that even happened?

12:15
Well, one, so when I joined the speech and debate team, David pretty much showed interest in me right away. Oh, I don’t blame him. So, um, and there’s like a funny story about when we, we went on this forensic, our speech and debate team was called forensics when we got a forensic strip, and probably save that for another day. But it’s, it’s, um, he ended up kissing me. And so the next day when well, when we got back from the trip, um, he was waiting for me after class, and I went to talk to him, and we sat down together, and he said, I want to tell you about myself. And, um, and then he, he shared with me, you know, his testimony. And before I go into it, what’s interesting is that my, my majors were in psychology and biology. Oh, so he starts telling me this story. And I’m just thinking to myself, this, that’s not possible because there’s no cure for what you’re talking about. And he was just talking about how like, when he grew up, he didn’t have emotional reactions, his little dog died. And, you know, his mom who hated the dog was crying, but he wasn’t crying. And, you know, people would die and he wouldn’t feel that effective. And then it was his best friend who died in like a hanggliding accident and, and he still didn’t cry. So then he started realizing, okay, maybe I didn’t cry about those other people because I wasn’t close to them. But this was my best friend who lived across the street. And then he started to realize that he was different. And he came to the conclusion that he was better evolved past emotions. He was more evolved than everybody else. So yeah, and unfortunately, that that led him to what he had read crime and punishment by Dostoyevsky. And he associated with risk calling cough who the character who kind of felt that he was the Superman or that Ubermensch and he had evolved past the regular morals of these average people. And so he decided he, David decided he was going to trans transgress like a fundamental moral value. And that was to try to kill his own dad. And thankfully, miraculously, his dad survived this because David attacked him with a hammer in the head and nothing was dead. But his his father was found and taken right away to the hospital and saved. So But David, eventually, he was, you know, convicted, and he went to jail for that. And while he was there, he met a Christian, who would argue about would defend his faith, because David would tease him and try to annoy him and upset him. And Randy was the same and even though he wasn’t, you know, super intelligent, or educated or anything like that, and he was he was a smart guy, but like, he was able to hold his own and annoyed David. I have to beat this guy somehow. And how old was David at this time? 1818. Yeah, so

16:20
this is when this happened with his father. He was Yeah.

16:23
1819 Yeah, right around them. And so eventually, he decided he was going to out fast, Randy, because he noticed that Randy would fast. He was like, why are you fasting? And Randy would say, Well, I’m, you know, Jesus fasted, and I’m doing it because I want to be closer to him. I’m, I’m hoping that I can discipline myself. So when I get out eventually that, you know, I can, you know, rise above my my impulses and lead a good life. And so, one day, I mean, one day one. At one time, Randy fasted for 40 days. Wow. And David knows that he fasted because he was giving David all this trays, and David was eating the extra food, you know, that he really was fasting. And I think towards the end, he started drinking juice. So I think for the first part of it, he was just water alone, and then eventually started drinking juice again. And so David asked him why he did it. He said, well, because Jesus fasted for 40 days. And so the David came up with this plan, he was gonna beat Randy and Jesus, and he was gonna last for 42 days. Yeah, so about like, a weekend, and he got put on suicide watch, because they thought he was trying to starve himself. Oh, yeah. And so while he’s in the cell, B, he had all these books that he was reading at the time, because he was just he all he could think about was, you know, killing blowing up churches. I mean, he was just totally crazy, insane, violent. That’s all he could think about. He said that somebody had shown him the ink blots, they tried to do the inkblot test on him. And he had said something like, Oh, I see bunny rabbits, and this and that. But he said, he was saying that to trick them, because he said, what he really saw were brains and blood and guts. That’s all he saw. So he, but he’s in this, this cell, this isolation cell, and the guard, who was giving him books, from his, you know, his, his play books, he had a bunch of like, New Age stuff, and this and that, and the guy was just tossing it aside. And then he found like, a Bible and some Bible studies. And so he said, Here, you can have these. So he looked. So that’s what David had to do in this room. He goes, I know, I’m going to study the Bible and find all the flaws in it. And then I get out, and I really got to beat Randy this time. And so he opens up, and he begins with the Gospel of John. And, you know, so what was funny was, so he’s sitting there, he’s still starving himself. And he’s reading things like, Well, he’ll hurt he was he said, he was like, having these thoughts. And it was as if the words of Scripture were speaking back to him because he would have this thought, like, wow, I’m, I’m starving, I’m really gonna starve to death in here. And then he would read, I’m the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry. And he would, uh, he would think, you know, um, he said he was starting to develop tunnel vision. And he was he was saying, probably once that tunnel closes, I’ll die and I’ll be gone. And then he reads the words of Jesus, I’m the resurrection in the life. He who believes me will live even if he dies. And and so he started and then he said that he started to think more clearly, more clearly than he had in his life. And he was, wow, he’s a pastor. and how they, he always had assumed that they made it made, made it all up. They’re trying to get rich and famous off this story. And then he finds out that’s not how they lived. They didn’t get rich and famous, they were persecuted. They were rejected, they were chased out of their towns, they were killed

20:20
for their testimony, and he thought to himself, wow, it’s one thing to, to lie, because of what you believe, I mean, to die because of what you believe. But it’s another thing to go to your death for what you say you saw, like, and if, you know, it’s not that, you know, as you know, we believe by faith on the testimony that we’ve heard, but they were the ones who saw it. And so they’re dying for what they saw, they said, we saw this. And, um, you know, there’s nothing to gain from it. So that really shook his assumptions and made him realize that this is really a historical puzzle to try to explain this away. And, you know, and as he was reading the Gospel of John, he was reading about Jesus. And he said, he wasn’t this kind of meek and mild, little baby in the manger, kind of Christmas song, Jesus, he was, he was strong, and he was wise. And he was passionate, and He overturned the tables of the money changers in the temple and, and metal with words and like, kick those people out, and they’re animals. And, you know, we’re cheating people in God’s house of prayer. And David realized that he liked Jesus. And he said, Jesus is like the best person who ever lived. And then, and he started thinking about himself, and he was like, I’m pretty much the worst person who’s ever lived. And he’s thinking about all the things that he’s done in his life. And then finally, you know, attacking his own dad and, and he says, I’m probably the worst person in the world right now. And he said, it was like, the first moment he had ever been humble. Wow. And so he said, you know, he decided to pray. And he remembers, you know, he never really prayed sincerely ever in his life. Like he had been taken to church by his grandmother, and you know, had to like repeat the prayers in the church, but he had never, but he said he would always like, just home in his head or something like that. He would never, he refused to pray. And so this is the first time you ever pray. And he said, he got down on his knees. And he said, You know, God, I don’t know if I’m going to believe in you tomorrow. But I believe in you right now. And I get choked up about this. And I’ve heard the story so many times, but I believe in you right now. And if you can do anything with me, then have at it because I can’t go on like this. And, you know, he asked Jesus to come into his heart. And after that one prayer, he said, that the world looked different to him, it was as if the colors were brighter. And something had dramatically changed in him.

23:29
And you know, and he’s lived differently ever since then. I mean, he’s, he’s one of, I mean, he’s, he’s a pain in the butt, but he’s one of the best men that I know.

23:50
And what was amazing to me was that he told me the story. Right? When I met him, you know, I, I’ve known him like a week, and he told me pretty much like the most horrible thing that he’s ever done. It is the most horrible thing he’s ever done. And he put it right out there right in front of me. You know, before trying to, you know, kind of catch my heart. I guess you could say like, you’re trying to captivate me and make me fall in love with them and then dump all this stuff on me. Yeah, I felt there was something so honest about that. And I remember having the weirdest thoughts. So he’s telling me this crazy story. And I had this like, clear thought that came into my mind, and it was, I trust this man with my future children. Oh my gosh, yeah. How could you have that thought? I don’t know. And I’m telling you, it goes against everything. I was taught and trained as a psychology student and everything and I was like, where did that come from? It was like, not of Me. It was, but it was like, it just, it just came into my mind. And, and part of that, I think, has to do with the fact that he was so honest, and I always say that I grew up kind of aware of the wickedness of respectable people, and just seeing people who are respected, and yet, knowing that they have this dark side. And so David was like the opposite of that, to me, he was kind of he was showing the worst that he had, you know, just right up front, like there was no deceiving me about it, there was no trying to, because I was thinking like, most, most people, when you start a relationship, you want to kind of present yourself as the best possible scenario, get the person hooked, and then you kind of let all the bad stuff come out. Right, but he just started off with that.

25:45
Yeah, that’s funny. And for me,

25:49
just because of what I kind of experienced growing up, that was like that, that engaged my trust that, Wow, that really won me over, I guess it was so different from what I’d seen about people concerned with face and appearance and the appearance of goodness, but, but this was, this was real, this was the real him that he was giving to me. And, and I guess you could say that that’s kind of defining of our relationship, even when we’re dating, that we were always real with each other. Remember, a friend at the time had said something about, they think when you get married, you’re supposed to bring out the best in each other. And being with David, I remember thinking, you bring out what’s real, and each other, and then you love each other through it. And so, because you’re going to bring out the best in each other, hopefully, but you’re also going to see the worst in each other, and you’re probably going to bring that out to conflict. But then learning to love each other through it again, is I guess it’s a, it’s like living out the grace that that we have as Christians and, and really, um, you know, shining Christ and to each other and to the world. Yes, I can do that. So it’s

27:17
just incredible. Absolutely. Well, you know, so, you said that there’s no cure to being a sociopath? What are like the defining features of it?

27:29
Well, just like the, um, not being able to, you know, form those same types of emotional attachments, um, you know, not really having emotional reactions that people normally have. So, yeah, you know, he could count on one hand, like, how many times he’s ever cried? Or, um, you know, and by crying, I mean, like, have tears in his eyes, like, I don’t even mean like sobbing, crying. And, yeah, so like, kind of an aversion to people in a way, but, um, you know,

28:06
he’s been diagnosed with

28:08
this officially. Yeah. So he was in a couple of months, while hospitals, I guess, after what happened. And yeah, they were I mean, they were even saying he was slightly schizophrenic. Yeah, I didn’t share some of that. But he did have like signs of paranoia. And I’m worried that like, people are reading his mind. And, you know, cats are ruling the world secretly that typo. It was just, it wasn’t as pervasive as the most severe cases. But, yeah, where he would kind of have the suspicions and this paranoia, and wow, yeah. And then there’s really no treatment for any of that. I mean, you can kind of suppress a little bit of it with meds. But, you know. So when he told me that story, I said, if this is true, I said, this is a psychological miracle. Wow. So we were talking about, you know, people coming back from the dead, but this was a psychological miracle. Because he wasn’t given medication. He wasn’t given any. Not that there even is something to fix this, but like, to just be that transformed. Wow. And so that was that was powerful for me. Yeah. So I remember when

29:23
he said, um, because I am so glad you went so deep into his story, because I think I didn’t even get that that depth. But I remember one thing he said was, when he’s out of the Word of God, he, like, he can he starts to get these violent thoughts again.

29:41
No, I think so. Initially, he thought that he was just completely healed. Yeah, um, but we, but, you know, as time went on, he realized that if he drifts away from, you know, I guess his spiritual life and And I’m praying and being close to God that he starts to be more paranoid and he starts to be more angry. And, you know, he’s never become violent, but where he becomes angry and just negative and depressed. And, yeah, so he, what he realized was that it’s not so much that God just kind of zap fixed him, but rather that God’s presence has really come into him and is sustaining him in a special way. And so he, he needs to be connected to God and he can’t separate. He can’t, you know, I remember there was a time where I would realize, I could almost tell instantly, like if he had been reading the Bible, because it would just see the difference in his personality. And, and it’s just more testimony to the power of God and His Word and prayer. That, yeah, that he’s that David, was that sensitive that it would change them that much. But yeah,

31:11
yeah. And so now his actual work is apologetics. So He’s great. He’s an academic. And he goes around and teaches this.

31:22
Yeah. Yes. Phenomenal, are nationally,

31:24
internationally? Wow.

31:27
Yeah. And, and going back to our friend who was a Muslim in college and appeal, he also became an international speaker worked with Ravi Zacharias International Ministries for years. Sadly, he passed away to stage for stomach cancer, and like, a teen. Yeah. But he was he wrote several books. He wrote, his testimony is called seeking Allah finding Jesus. And David features prominently in that book. I mentioned in there too. Oh, somebody was saying she was like, it was so weird, because he brings up and then we met Marie, and then suddenly you’re married and you have a baby. I was like, Well, yeah, did kind of happen quickly with David and I, because we were married, like within a year of meeting and then Lucian was nine months later. So

32:22
that takes us a good segue into our next topic. is so cool. Oh, my gosh, well, I’ll have that. A lot finding Jesus. Um, but yeah, that is our next topic. I did want to talk about intimacy. And I mean, I can only imagine so my husband is very tuned in emotionally and I cannot imagine not having that aspect of our relationship. Like how do you? How are you okay, without having him kind of be there empathetically for you?

32:59
I know, I know. It’s it. I even I don’t really know how to explain it. But I guess you could say, just because of how I grew up, um, I always was fairy, I guess, um, good at, I guess, coping with my emotions. And feeling confident in myself, I guess. Um, because, I mean, I kind of joke about it. But I think it’s true that I don’t think anybody else could be married to him. Because, you know, I mean, there is like, kind of this desire to have affirmation and understanding in a certain way. And somehow, I don’t need that from him. I mean, I like it, it and he, he does, like, comedy. So like, probably the best compliment from him, I’ll tell you. So one time I said something. Like, occasionally, he’ll say something really sweet. But um, you know, it’s just rare. It’s just not him, but like, but I treasure it when he does see it. so rare. So like, one time we were talking, and we’re talking about, like, you know, some celebrity couple that had broken up and he was like, yes, they just get bored after a while. And I was like, why are you going to get bored of me? And he goes, he goes, No, you’re too weird to get boring. Oh, well, I’m so happy to hear that. I’m so glad to know that I’m so weird, but never gonna get bored of me. Yeah,

34:48
that’s a really good best compliment of your marriage.

34:52
He will say something that is probably where I really don’t need a lot of like affirmation and encouragement. Other people But like, when he does say it’s perfect, and like, I never like, you know, after having the kids and then just feeling oh, I’m not as pretty now and you know, I’m out of shape and you know, this and that about my body. Um, and he and I, I said something 10 months ago now, you know, and now now you don’t think I’m pretty where he goes, Oh, you can’t another 40 pads and you’d still be the prettiest girl and, you know, just really sweet. And, um, you know, and then another time, he was talking about how some, you know, famous person had really gone downhill and she used to be so hot. And now I look at her and I’m like, Well, are you gonna think that about me? When I’m old? And I have, you know, wrinkles and stuff like that? And he goes, No, he goes, No, because you’re a warrior, and you’re gonna earn yours, they’re gonna come from being a good mom and taking care of your kids and not from partying and being some wild, you know? And so I was like, oh, okay, so, you know, he’s gonna cherish me when I’m old. Because those are gonna be, you know, the, the wrinkles, I got, like, looking at their children. And so, um, you know, so he’s sweet like that. Um, but that that’s like, not the common. That’s just not normally how he is. And I realized that that’s a huge part of relationships. And really, that’s probably one of the reasons why people who have sociopathy don’t have successful relationships. And they don’t have I mean, even friendships, let alone marriages. And, and yeah, we’re pretty happily married. And so, again, I think that’s like another instance of a psychological miracle, like a secondary psychological miracle to him just even functioning normally, and then for us to be really happy and in love. That’s incredible. All these years? And, yeah, wow.

37:03
Well, yeah, I mean, I know we were talking a little bit about before you, you share that pretty funny story about the you mind sharing that again?

37:13
So um, yeah, we were, David was speaking at NYU, to the, the Campus Crusade chapter. I think they go by crew now. And they, you know, they like to invite atheists to the club. And one of the atheists in the in the crowd was saying, I just don’t understand why God doesn’t want us to have fun. And Dave was like, What are you talking about as well? How come God doesn’t want us to have sex? And David’s like, I don’t know what you’re talking about. But I’m having more sex than all of the atheists in this room put together. Like everyone’s like, why? Because with my wife. And I just, I just happened to be sitting in the front row, and I just turned, like, beat. And I was like, that he’s like, grinning at me. And I’m like

38:11
Oh, that’s awesome. Yeah. Do you feel like that’s been a important part of your marriage?

38:17
Absolutely. I mean, I think for him, that’s like, I mean, that’s the primary way that he feels loved. Yeah. Um, through that, you know, physical intimacy and just, you know, he really feels loved. And, um, you know, I think that, um, especially with, with everything that we go through with the kids, you know, there’s so much fatigue, and, you know, stress. And I think that sometimes people get it in their heads that, you know, when sad things are happening, or you’re tired that you don’t want to, you don’t want to be intimate. And I think it’s an even better time to be intimate, it’s an even better time to affirm your bond with each other in that way. That, that, you know, culture has this idea, like sex is just for fun. But as Christians, we believe that it’s a part of, you know, strengthening that bond, that there’s a spiritual bond that takes place in the physical bond. And that, you know, we’re really emphasizing it through our physicality and that, you know, our bodies become an expression of our souls. And so, yeah, so I think it’s very important. I mean, when I’m talking to other families within our community within the rare disease community, I often talk about maintaining a healthy sex life and not neglecting that aspect of the marriage and really making time well and not just you know, sex, but just Even to try to have a date or, yeah, and sometimes our dates are like, Let’s go buy groceries together, but it’s still fun. And we still look forward to it. And we’re, you know, just walking around together chit chatting as we do it. And, and it’s just us too, you know, so, um, but yeah, I think it’s, it’s so important and, and, and I feel like it’s so important in terms of being parents, you know, just giving our kids that security to see us that, that we love each other that we’re, you know, that we’re affectionate with each other and in touch and everything. And, um, you know, that I know, it means a lot to them. Yeah, there are, there is so much that’s unstable and uncertain, and life, but they see that and they have confidence in that. So,

40:54
yes, that’s incredible. That’s incredible to think. I feel like, so many of us could say, oh, well, my husband has no feeling no emotional connection, I’m not going to have sex with him. And I’m like, Look at Marie is a sociopath and she makes plenty of love to him. Love and she has five children. She literally has to do everything for like, there is

41:29
Oh, I’m so encouraged, convicted all. Real, that’s so encouraging. I just feel like your stories over and over and over again, are just just a testimony of God’s grace and Your faithfulness and David’s faithfulness to him. And I guess what would be kind of your last encouragement to the audience that you really want them to pull out from all of the many stories that you shared with us?

42:08
Um, I guess, you know, I, I think that, um, I I don’t know how to say it without sounding, you know, trite, but you know, you know, keep the faith and there’s really, just no dark place where the love of God can’t find you. There’s no situation where he can’t penetrate, and transform and redeem. And whether it’s with within you and your own sin and struggle, or within your relationship with with your significant other. I mean, there have been times where I thought it was, you know, like I said, where we weren’t going to make it. And, um, but just, you know, leaning on the Lord and just finding that, you know, even love can have a resurrection. And just as my son had almost like a resurrection with or will like, definitely something Amida rival, but that, you know, was almost impossible. And, um, so, with God, all things are possible. And I always like to think of what Paul says in Second Corinthians four and I, I really, that whole chapters really kind of like my lifeline in the in the darkest times, but he says, you know, that God is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory, far beyond all comparison, as we look not at the things which are seen, but the things that are unseen, because the things which are seen are temporary, but the things that are unseen are eternal. And it’s so grounding, because I tell people that if you take that view from eternity, yeah, it transforms everything else. Yep. And just shifting that perspective. And taking that act of faith, to really hold on to God. You could do anything.

44:39
Yeah. That’s incredible. Like you’re a walking, living testimony of doing anything, that’s just incredible. So yeah, where can our audience you know, either find and connect with you online, or should they really focus on that the website that you already gave or

44:58
how can that Um, um, it probably be hard to connect to me personally on website but um, you know, I mean, I have a Twitter that I don’t use that much but

45:14
well I’m sure David’s ministry or Or what would their next step be if they wanted to learn more about you guys?

45:19
Well yeah, um you know David has a very successful channel on YouTube that has a lot of great teaching videos you know his ministry is called X 17 apologetics. Okay, and so you can look him up on on YouTube his his testimony is on there as well. It’s a really it’s a great video. Um, we recorded it in the New York City subway system. Oh, cool. Yeah. I mean, even just telling the story about how he recorded it and timed everything. It’s kind of fun. But yeah, it’s it’s really beautiful. So I recommend watching that if you’re interested in his story. And he goes into more detail. And I’m awesome. And and you know, you can see a lot of his his his ministry work. What he has debates on there with atheists, Muslims, all kinds of stuff. So yeah, it’s really

46:23
wonderful. Well, Murray, thank you so much. This has literally been just incredible. So encouraging. And I’m sure everyone listening feels as encouraged as I do. So thank you so much, really?

46:35
You’re welcome. Yeah, my pleasure.

46:38
All righty. Wow. Again, I’m just in awe and so grateful for this story and who Marie is and her husband? And yeah, definitely check out the different resources that she mentioned. David’s YouTube is extremely popular. And he’s got a lot of really cool. The videos on there with millions of views, and it’s just incredible. So yeah, God is really using their ministry and encourage you to, yeah, to check it out. Awesome. Well, thanks for listening. I just want to encourage you and pray that this has been something that you would even look into apologetics more and more because seriously, guys, Christianity is more than faith, it’s faith. But God has given us so much just practical, scientific, logical, research, reasoning, history, all these things that back it up. So you don’t have to only think that you can’t love God with your mind. Because that’s what God asks us that we love Him with all with our hearts, our souls, our minds. So I would encourage you to pursue that. She gave a lot of resources on this call. But yeah, you can move forward and David woods, YouTube and different resources, then you’ll find a lot more as well. All right. Well, God bless you and have a wonderful day and I’ll talk to you next week.

48:17
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

In this interview, I was moved to tears more than once because of the story of Marie and her children. She is an incredible woman who clearly loves the Lord and is such a force for good even in the face of suffering. 

This is an extremely inspiring chat with Marie Wood, who is raising 5 children (a basketball team, according to her!) with her husband, David Wood–the very famous Apologist. Two of their sons, Reid and Paley, both have a rare, life-threatening condition called myotubular myopathy. It’s so rare that it only affects 1 in 50,000 male live births. It causes problems with muscle tone and dangerously affects muscles that control necessary functions like breathing and swallowing.

I know if you listen to this conversation you’ll come away in awe that our God can even raise the dead in this day and age! I’m amazed and I pray this will be an empowering and affirming message for you as well.

Marie serves as vice president for a non-profit organization to connect people affected by myotubular myopathy. You can find out more about the non-profit that connects families here at: www.mtm-cnm.org

—

Also, if you’d like a free 1:1 Clarity Call with Belah — a $500 value! She is offering that free to her audience–men or women. Here you will get insights into what’s blocking you from incredible intimacy in your marriage. Sign up for a time to speak to Belah at www.delightyourmarriage.com/call

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah rose.

0:20
Hey there and welcome. This is belah rose. Oh my goodness. This is such an incredible conversation with a dear woman, Marie wood, I had the opportunity to meet her several years ago and her message her story was so impactful, I think you’re going to be encouraged and inspired by what she’s gone through. And just her life every single day is full of difficulty and yet, and yet, what God has taught her shows her the woman she is today, she has a lot of fun. And we have fun on today’s podcast. Before we dive in, I do want to mention that if you are looking for an incredible marriage, from from difficulty, loneliness, feeling unloved, maybe even in intimacy, I want to invite you to potentially have that transformed, that God can absolutely transform that by God’s grace. That’s what happens through my work with people with coaching either one on one or team coaching or some other programs and options that I do with people. Couples, we’re one on one. And I want to give you that opportunity to speak with me to discuss what’s going on and really get clarity on the challenges you’re having. And if that seems to be the right fit for you. Go ahead to www dot delight your marriage.com/call. That’s a free call with just me just you for 40 minutes, and we’re going to dive into what’s going on in your marriage and how to get to the other side for freedom and peace and playfulness and fear sexiness. already. Let’s dive in with Marie and my conversation. Talk to you soon.

2:19
Okay, oh, welcome to let your marriage listener I’m so grateful that you are here and joining me and welcome Marie. I’m so happy you’re here. Glad to be here. Yeah, I think this is gonna be an awesome, awesome interview. Marie, you know, since we met, I was trying to count it up. I think it was five years ago, maybe four. But it was a while and it was when my son was young. And I just remember hearing your story and being like, oh my gosh, I just want to dive in. And understand, like, there’s so much rich, good stuff that you’ve lived through and live through. And yeah, I just can’t wait to let the audience hear more. So um, yeah, do you mind just kind of starting off and introducing a little bit about yourself, your family?

3:08
Um, so I’m Marie wood, and I’m married to David Wood. We’ve been married for about 17 years. And we have five boys. I forgot to mention that. But we had another child since I saw you know, we our basketball team is complete. Yeah. And so and two of our boys have a rare congenital myopathy. It’s a life threatening illness. And so I co founded a nonprofit and I serve as the vice president of a nonprofit that serves the families affected by this condition. And, and I’m also the director of David’s ministry. He’s a professional apologist. And so I work with him as well. Although technically, I guess you could say say I’m a stay at home mom. Very busy. Yeah, it sounds like it.

4:07
Sounds like you’re wearing a lot of different hats. Yeah, yeah, definitely. Amazing. Oh, my goodness. Can you describe a little bit more about what it means to have this rare condition that you talked about?

4:21
So it’s called myotubular. My apathy and it only affects about one in 50,000 Live male births. Wow. Yeah. So it’s, it’s actually considered ultra rare within the rare disease community. And so, Reed is he’s 11 years old. And when he was born, he wasn’t breathing on his out. He wasn’t moving very low. Floors. He basically looked like a rag doll. You know, he was beautiful and pink. but just other than that, he just didn’t seem like he had any other signs of life. And you know that he had to be revived right away. And it took a while to get the diagnosis, because again, it’s ultra rare. And when we did get the diagnosis, they told us that children with this condition usually don’t live past the first year or the second year, you know, pretty much all of them die. And so they kind of the medical team was sort of pushing what they call comfort care, and which is sort of coded language for, you know, let’s just make him comfortable and give them some morphine. And when you do that, to a child who has respiratory really compromised, it’s kind of like, helping them to cry less painfully. Um, and I told them, Well, you know, you’re saying that he won’t see a second birthday, but I don’t hear God saying that. And we’re just going to do everything we can to make his life as joyful and meaningful and full of love as possible. Well, and, and then, you know, we weren’t planning to have any more kids after that. But I did get pregnant again, with Yeah. And at that time, we had done genetic testing. So we knew that I carried the mutation and that it’s an excellent disorder, meaning that if I have a daughter, she has a 50% chance of carrying the disease as I do. And if I have a son, he has a 50% chance of having the disease. When I spoke to the geneticist while I was pregnant with Paley, she asked me, you know, if we wanted to do an amnio so that we could keep our options open, and I said, Well, we don’t need to worry about any other options. Because my son has a 50% chance of having this condition, but he has a 100% chance of being loved. And so and he’s Yeah, and, and so Paley just turned nine.

7:08
Oh my gosh. 11 and nine,

7:13
yeah, so it’s incredible. We’re really proud of them. You know, they’re, they’re happy, sweet boys very affectionate. They just they make our lives beautiful.

7:27
Wow. And what is them? You know, so what are some of their limitations then at this point? Well, so

7:35
they’re completely dependent on medical technology to survive. They’re both trait so they both have tracheostomy tubes. They both have ventilators, they’re pretty much rented 24/7. And they need wheelchairs for ambulance, you know, to walk and or to get around and they need feeding pumps. They have gastrostomy tubes, because they can’t swallow. So basically, the disease affects every muscle in the body. So yeah, even blinking, you know, my God, on their own. Um, yeah. So I’m dry eyes. This has become an issue lately. And it’s, you know, read just have to have surgery for that and read said, for surgeries in the past year. Oh, my gosh, yeah. And probably the, the hardest thing is that, you know, I’ve had to do CPR on my own kids, and oh, my goodness. And so that’s probably one of the most traumatic things that we’ve had to deal with. You know, just finding a blue baby and having to overcome that initial shock and, and pain and worry and, and work through that and, and do what you have to do to bring them back and save them. You know, with God’s grace helping because I don’t know how I would have been able to do that. You know, oh, my gosh, yeah. Wow. And

9:10
are they some of your older children or

9:14
so our our oldest son is Lucian. He’s, he just turned 16. And then we have Blaise, he’s 14, and then read 11, Paley nine and they read and Paley have a condition and then there’s Kepler, who’s a baby? Oh, and a half? Yeah.

9:31
Oh my gosh. Wow. So, um, so really, there’s not potential for them to have more autonomy than what they have right now.

9:43
Um, well, what’s kind of exciting is that there is a lot of research being done into their condition. There’s currently a clinical trial. They about want to say eight years ago, they found there was a veterinarian. In Canada, who discovered a Labrador Retriever who had the same condition. And that Labrador Retriever led to the creation of a colony of dogs that have myotubular myopathy, and some of them are healthy, and some of them are carriers. And so through research with the dogs, and some of the families have adopted the dogs to after they’ve, you know, participated in the in the research, they’ve been able to cure the disease in dogs. Oh, my gosh, yeah. Through gene replacement therapy. Yeah, which is very new technology cutting edge. So it’s kind of exciting. And there’s, there’s other, there are other things being studied as well. And there’s a company in Europe that studying replacing the protein that the DNA codes for, you know, the, the mutated DNA codes for a protein. And so they’re looking at modulating the proteins. And so there’s, it’s amazing, really, because it’s such a rare disease. And rare diseases are also called orphan diseases. And they’re called orphans, because nobody really wants to adopt them, because they’re not seen as lucrative. Right? And yet, you have all this amazing intellect and technology and resources being poured into this one condition. Wow, yeah, it’s sort of mind blowing. And, and I really enjoy the work that I do, and uniting that community, with the families and the professionals, the researchers and that type, and just, I just love that aspect of, of what I do for the community. Yeah,

11:49
that’s incredible. That’s incredible. I, you know, it’s such a gorgeous way of suffering, and seeing how you can,

11:59
right give

12:02
to, you know, help people that are

12:04
also suffering, right, to kind of find the redemption in the midst of all that. What we’re dealing with, I think that, um, you know, finding kind of meaning and purpose. And in the struggle, and there’s always that idea in the back of my mind as I’m working through some huge challenge, or fight or battle with insurance, or whatever it is. And I’m thinking, Okay, let me remember this, this and this so that I can share that with the community and help somebody else who might have to face this battle coming up. And and it’s very mutual on it’s a very, it is a very powerful, beautiful thing. Wow,

12:49
wow. When did you start this organization?

12:53
So we just had our 10th biennial family conference? Yeah. Whoa, it gradually halation Yeah, yeah. It’s it’s 10 years of kind of connecting the community. And wow, really formalized the nonprofit until probably about halfway through. But we were raising funds under another nonprofit that existed but yeah, but the work has been going on for about 10 years, this Wow. Conference and uniting the community and providing resources.

13:29
So one year in is when you decided you were going to help others. Yeah. That’s incredible. First question to two questions. His first question is Where can people find out more about your nonprofit? Maybe online? What’s the website? They can donate? You know, it’s

13:49
a MTM. Yeah. cnn.org. So MTM is the shortcut of saying myotubular My apathy and CNM is the shortcut shortcut for saying centronuclear mathy, which is a related kind of umbrella of which MTM is a part of? So okay,

14:08
I’ll have that also on the show notes for people to Yeah, easily give to like this is this is a huge and wonderful, valuable service. And it’s incredible. So the next thing I wanted to ask is, I think there are a lot of people that are going through their their work in their life and their marriage and they don’t have a ton of purpose in their life. They don’t kind of wake up with. I’m going to do God’s work again today. Like this is the stuff I’m supposed to be doing. This is going to matter in eternity. You know, how did you really discern what that was supposed to be for your life?

14:52
Um, do you mean surfing? Or do you mean like just the day to day life type thing?

15:00
Yeah, I mean, when I look at what you just described, and we haven’t even gotten into so much of the other stuff, I can’t wait to talk. It’s coming guys just away. Um, but I’m just thinking about this, you’re connecting people, you’re helping parents, you’re helping those have hope and connection community. Right? That’s a definite God given calling, like, how did you decide that this is something you wanted to spend hours and hours on?

15:29
You know, it’s weird, I, it, it just sort of happened organically. That’s all I can say, I just, I just seem to fall into that position. I, it just seemed to flow out of whatever I was doing, and just how I was living. You know, I guess you could say, people are drawn to me at times. And so I, yeah, I guess it’s just how I live my life, I just have a lot of joy in the middle of everything. And I guess that has attracted people. Um, and then I just work I just like, to serve. And, and I feel like, that’s what I love about the people I work with on our team, our leadership team is that we’re all really about serving. And, um, you know, we just want to help others. And we just appreciate, I guess, those who’ve kind of lent out a helping hands or encouraging word, neuron journey, and it just feels like when you’re, when you have gratitude for something like that, it flows back out of you. And, and so I guess that’s just how it happened. And, you know, at one time, there were a lot of people working on this project, and they sort of kind of drifted off. And I guess the ones who are left who are just really committed to making that time and willing to kind of do hard work and in addition to living life,

17:10
yeah, absolutely.

17:13
Yeah. So yeah,

17:17
your whole life is hard work. It’s incredible. How and again, we’re, I feel like, this is probably going to be the first half of our interview, and then we’ll kind of go into the other fascinating part of your life, but how has your marriage been in this regard, like with your sons, in terms of support in terms of what that’s been like?

17:43
Well, um, in the beginning, it was hard for David to kind of deal with everything that was happening to read. So read is the child who’s a little older, with the condition. And, um, you know, changing a trach on a baby is kind of scary. It’s sort of intimidating, especially if you don’t have any medical background or nursing experience or anything like that. Um, interestingly, as a child, I used to volunteer for Operation Smile. Oh, I used to, you know, spend a lot of time in the hospital because my mom was a nurse. And I would go and see little kids and patients, and I used to do volunteer work, where I would go to children’s hospitals and nursing homes and yeah, and stuff. But the use of that size I was, I guess, I was already primed to be more comfortable with it than David. And so for him, it was very intimidating. It was scary. And you’re thinking, you know, my child’s life is in my hands right now. And, and for him, that kind of pressure, it was something that he just really didn’t know how to cope with at first. And I remember the first two years after Reed was born were probably the hardest for me, in terms of not feeling that he was as involved in that. And, I mean, the good news was that, um, you know, when Reed was born, and Reed came home from the hospital, and he was about nine months, um, so prior to that, he was just, you know, they’re trying to stabilize him. And when he came home, I remember David saying to me, I’ll do anything with Luke and Blaise please don’t ask me to do any of the medical stuff with Reid because I’m I just can’t deal with it. And it wasn’t that he didn’t, you know, love him, he would hold him and he would test them and hug him and you know, talk to him but he was just totally scared about you know, one of the things we have to Do we have to suction a trach. So, you know, you build up secretions in your mouth and your airway throughout the day. And if you don’t have the strength to swallow, you can’t get rid of it. Or if you don’t have the strength to cough, you can’t clear your own airway. So what we have to do is we have to suction, and it’s putting a tube through the trach and suctioning out the secretions. And, you know, I think when people aren’t expecting it, they’re sort of like, either grossed out or scared, or whatever. For David, he was more scared, you know, I’m not going to do it right, or I’m going to hurt him when I do that. And so that type of thing, stressed him out. And I remember, I’m really wondering, at some point, if we were going to make it because I was really feeling like I was in it alone. Yeah, I reached out to a really close friend and asked her to pray. And I said, I just, you know, he’s just putting everything on me. And I said, I just, I don’t, I can’t take this, you know. And the very next day, he said to me, you know, you really, he said, You’re just doing everything on your own, I want you to show me how to do everything. And I want you to go visit your best friend who was stationed in Hawaii, the girl I grew up with, and had just like, come to see me in New York. And he’s like, you know, let’s try to find a plane ticket and have a time for you to go and spend a week with her. And I’ll invite I’ll tell my mom to come and stay with me and help me with Reed and the boys. And it was just like a huge shift. And it was the day after I just reached out to this friend, I was like, please just pray because I, I really can’t take his lack of consideration for my needs anymore. Wow, huge. And I felt so thankful that he did that I’m so like, kind of a little choked up remembering that and just God’s faithfulness to really move him in that way and that he was receptive to it. You know, and, and it was he he has really stepped up to the plate in so many ways.

22:16
Now, what was interesting was when Paley was born, I think that also threw him again, kind of in another way. Yeah, he was sort of taking on the world at that point, you know, he had really gotten more involved in his work with, you know, evangelizing Muslims, even counter Jihad work. And, you know, it felt like he was so caught up and all that he just wasn’t really there for me, while Paley was in the hospital, and, and I felt it was even less so than when Reed was a baby. So I, I was confused. And I didn’t really understand what’s happening. And I felt that he was withdrawing. I felt like he was rejecting us. And it finally came to a head one day where I I said to him, You know what? I said, you’re, you’re not coming to the hospital with me, you’re not holding Paley. I was like, do you not love us? Do you not want to be with us? And I’m trying to cry. But he, he said, Well, I just feel like, you’re so good at everything. And you’re such an awesome mom, and you know what to do? And he goes, and I don’t and he goes and I feel like Islam, I can I can take that on our friends over here I can I can help them with their troubled marriage or whatever it is, I can help these people. And I can help them. He’s like, but I can’t do anything for reader, Haley. I can’t, I can’t fix the problem. And that was like a huge eye opener for me. Because I was like, Oh, this is what you’ve been worrying about. And I said, I said, I don’t need you to do that. I don’t need you to fix it. I don’t need you to make it. Okay. I said, I just want to know you have my back. Because when you’re with me, when you’re when you’re beside me, I feel stronger. And that’s all you have to do. And the irony is that saying that to him, gave him it almost like liberated him from this burden he was putting in putting on himself and gave him freedom to actually become really good at all the medical Cares all of a sudden, to the point where he’s probably one of the best people at clearing out their lungs when they’re sick and right. He’s better than all the nurses and sometimes I feel like he’s better than me now. And you know, but it was kind of giving him that okay, you know, and

24:57
I want to just I want to just mention help how powerful that is and how I think I mean, your story is just incredible. And one thing that you mentioned is, I don’t need you to fix it. I just need you to be beside me, I want you to know, I want to know that you have my back. I feel like that’s such a huge thing for a wife to feel that the husband is beside her. Yeah, with her in it. Yeah. And like you said, it’s not that he needs to fix it. He just needs to be with her in it. Yeah. You know, so often husbands listen to this show. So I just want to mention, you know, your wife needs you to listen and be with her much more than she needs you to fix the situation, whether it’s health related finances, you know, whatever the big giant monster is in your life. She needs you to know that she’s not alone. That’s what it really

25:50
we’re in this together. And that, you know,

25:53
yes, yes, exactly. And then, and then look at their results is ultimately he feels empowered to do what Yeah,

26:01
yeah, that was what was so amazing. Yeah.

26:05
That’s so powerful.

26:06
I mean, that was a huge, that was like a huge shift in our relationship where it it just kind of opened my eyes to a way that I had been misunderstanding, kind of how he is, and probably just differences in the way that men and women think in general. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. And then, probably another huge, really powerful moment, with this whole journey, and with our relationship would be, um, the time in 2015. Paley was five and he had a, he almost died. Well, he did, he died, he, um, I found him. I had put him to his bed a little early. I was playing with his brothers and David, were just probably watching. I think we’re just watching funny YouTube videos in the next room. And it was probably about half an hour. And David said, Hey, shouldn’t you go check on Paley? And I said, Oh, yeah, he’s, he’s fine. You know, he’s got the alarms, they’ll go off if anything happens, but I started walking over to his room just because I was like, yet still good to check on him. And when I got to his doorway, I saw that his pulse oximeter, which gives his heart rate and his oxygen level came up as 00. And I felt like I had been like, kicked in the stomach, I felt like I was gonna vomit and pass out. But I just rushed over to his side. And he was completely gray. Oh, my gosh, like bubbles, the head, like come out of his mouth, and he was gone. And I screamed, you know, David, called 911, I pulled him out of the bed, I put him on the ground. And I started doing CPR. I didn’t have an Ambu bag. So usually attach the Ambu bag to the trach. But I just started breathing directly into his tracheostomy tube and doing chest, chest compressions. And as I was doing this, I was I was praying, almost like bargaining with God. And I was like, Please, Lord, you know, don’t let this happen. You know, how can I serve you if he’s gone? And you know, and I’ll just be so devastated. And I’ll be so broken, I’ll never be of use to you again. And as I was thinking these things, I felt like God was speaking back to me he was he was saying, you know, I’ll be with you. I’ll see you through it. And you’ll come out even stronger, I can expand your ministry through this and all of those things. And I finally said something what, I don’t want that. I want him to be okay, I want him to be alive. And, um, but as I was doing the CPR, I remember kind of getting to this place of, of peace where I was saying, Okay, Lord, if you’re going to take him, then then you’re going to take him. And I said, but I’ve just got to keep trying. And I said, so this is my request. I said, when you tell me now I’ll accept it. And I said, but it’s got to be somebody else who tells me now because I’m just going to keep trying and asking for yes. And at that moment, when I when I thought that prayer, I felt almost like this, like this bubble of air come up in my throat. And I was like, Oh, I have to breathe into his trach right now. And as I breathed in, I had this powerful sensation that life just went into him. Oh, my gosh. I said, Well, I just life went into him. And I started doing the chest compressions. Well, I even felt like now I have to press now I have to press and I was doing the chest compressions. And his heart rate started sustaining after that. Yeah. And by that time, the EMTs had gotten there. And um, they were kind of amazed that I had revived and they said, one of them said, I’ve I’ve been doing this for 15 years and I’ve never come to a house where there’s been a car Yeah, caressed, and a family member has revived the patient with CPR. Wow. Yeah. And what was crazy. After all this, I still felt so riddled with guilt that I allowed it to happen in my mind that this was my fault. I should have been watching him work closely. And I went with him to the hospital stabilized him. I came home the next morning just to take a shower and grab some things. And I was going to go back to the hospital. And David saw me and I was, you know, I would be talking in tears would be spilling over, because I hadn’t fully cried. So it was just kind of like squeezed out like, Yeah, and again, and

30:41
he said, Okay, we’re gonna go in the bedroom, we’re gonna lay down on the bed, and I’m gonna hold you, and you’re gonna cry, and you’re gonna cry until you’re done crying. And then, then you’ll be done. And then you can go back to the hospital. And I was like, Okay, and so we went into the room. And he’s holding me. And I just start saying everything that I feel, and I’m like, How can you even love me? This is my fault. I should have been watching him more closely. How can you even stand to be around me right now? How can you even stand to look at me, I’m such a failure. I’m such a terrible mother. And he was, and he just helped me. He didn’t even try to like reason with me. He was just holding me and letting me cry and say all this ridiculous stuff. But what was funny was when I said it, as soon as it came out of my mouth, in my mind, I was believing it. But as soon as it came out of my mouth, it was as if it didn’t ring true. And that by speaking it out, I realized how false it was. Yeah. And um, but he was just holding me through this. And until I probably cried for an hour, just like shrieking and condemning myself. And he’s just holding me. And I always say, like, at that moment, probably more than any other time. Like, it just was such a huge realization of how he was Grace to me in that moment, David was really grace to me. And in being that way. He really, it was as if I could feel the love and the grace of God beyond him that was coming through him in that moment. And yeah, I still get choked up remembering it, because it was really powerful. I you know, he could love me through that.

32:39
Wow. Yeah. That’s incredible. Yeah. That’s, that’s really, really incredible. And so many reasons, so many levels. Some of the listeners know they might have heard my story of my brother, where he died, had a cardiac arrest for 13 minutes. April, and he was revived. Wow. Oh, it’s amazing. It’s incredible. Yeah. It’s a god. dead to life story very similar to what you’ve just described. Wow. Yeah. It’s absolutely incredible. And like, just to hear like, God, God can absolutely raise the dead. Did this in he does that. And that’s really powerful. It’s really, really incredible. And I love one thing that you said, how our husband, how our spouse can simply listen to us and just allow it to be a safe place for you. And then once you articulate it out, it starts to lose its power that yeah, he can’t lie to you in the darkness anymore. It’s in the light. Like, oh, that’s not true. Yeah. And like you said, David didn’t have to say anything. He just hold you.

33:57
Yeah, it happened. Probably if he had tried to reason with me. I would just argue back but I am really horrible.

34:09
Exactly. But how powerful it was. I mean, you needed that so desperately in this situation. It’s just incredible. Wow, okay. I am thoroughly, thoroughly messed up. This is

34:25
a tissue disclaimer.

34:27
i Yeah, really. That’s a very important thing. I’ll see if I can warn everyone in the beginning.

34:42
Amazing, she is truly truly amazing. I hope that there has been nuggets from this call that you have just taken hold of and it’ll inspire you encourage you and really allow her and the way she thinks about marriage and her life and her relationship with Jesus and her love for people. Just let that be a role model you know, as you’re doing your life and just come to mind this incredible woman that you just heard. Yeah, I’m, I’m just so inspired and encouraged. Next week, you are going to be thrilled to hear the next part because it just gets better in terms of the impact and incredible nature of her story. So, I look forward to chatting with you more soon or on a personal one on one call with me delight your marriage.com/call so that, yeah, you can have an incredible marriage and praise God through through that as well and grow in that area. And yeah, do all that He wants you to do in this world, and enjoy it. Alright, I’m gonna let you go and I will talk to you next week. God bless. Bye.

36:03
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Hi there! This is part 2 of my chat with Ruth Buezis, author of Awaken Love. You can listen to part 1 here. If you loved listening to part 1, part 2 delves deeper into the specifics of lovemaking and Ruth and I’s thoughts about the different types of orgasm that women would love to experience. 

Other things we talk about:

• Just having sex vs. getting to know each other through sex
• The dynamics of who leads during intercourse
• The in and out movement for a man, it’s good for him. But how about the woman?
• The three ways women can have orgasms
• What does the Bible say about sex
• Is the intercourse you’re having with your spouse the kind of intercourse that leads to orgasm?
• The clitoral alignment technique: what is it exactly?

Some helpful things for the wives:

• What you can do to allow you to discover new and interesting feelings during intercourse
• The journey you can take to learn more about the orgasms you can experience
• Understanding new concepts and ideas that are related to orgasms
• G-spot vs clitoral orgasm
• The common anxiety wives experience before intercourse

Also, if you’d like a free 1:1 Clarity Call with Belah — a $500 value — she is offering that free to her audience. If you’re a man or a woman and are seeking for things to be transformed in your marriage and intimacy–this is for you! Here you will get insights into what’s blocking you from incredible intimacy in your marriage. Sign up for a time to speak to Belah at www.delightyourmarriage.com/call

—

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah rose.

0:21
All righty, welcome. This is belah rose, thank you for joining. This is part two of my interview with Ruth. And it’s just a wonderful conversation to continue. She’s worked with many wives and with husbands as well in classes, to help them understand more about the woman’s body and the way she thinks around sex. So this is going to be a really good interview, I think for you. And then also, I wanted to mention, if you are at a spot, dear husband, where you really want to help your wife move forward in intimacy, and you want to get to a place where it’s passionate and fun, and free and fierce in the bedroom, I want to invite you to get on a call with me. And we can talk one on one. And it’s a free call. And it is a $500 value, but you’re going to get incredible clarity, understanding about what’s holding you guys back, because a lot of times what looks like it’s on the surface isn’t what’s actually underneath. And so we get on that call and we go deep. And the catch is if I think I can help you, I’m going to share what my programs may be if they’re the right fit. And I don’t invite everyone, I don’t think that they’re the right fit for everyone to work with me. So no matter what you get amazing value from the conversation. And yeah, it turns out to be a really good insight into what’s going on. So to do that www.dy M dot A s.me Alright, without further ado, let’s go into this next conversation with Ruth.

2:10
It’s so interesting, the dynamics of a who leads during intercourse, right? I mean, one of you can just lay there and the other one’s just doing their thing, or vice versa, right, the other one can or can, one of you kind of lead and the other one move with you and then eventually connect that move back and forth between the two of you as far as like just being in tune to each other’s bodies. Right. Yeah. And so I think that’s something that’s really important. I think the other thing that men and women need to realize, you know, this in and out movement of the penis in the vagina, like that’s great simulation for a man. But for most women, it doesn’t really do much because it’s, it’s surface skin movement in the vagina. And if you think about like the three main ways that women have orgasm, right, clitoral stimulation, G Spot stimulation, and deep spot stimulation. You have to you have to think about well is the intercourse that we’re having, or the mechanics that we’re using are those stimulating those areas at all. For a lot of women, they don’t. I mean, if a man’s up on all fours, and he simply moving in and out of the vagina thrusting, you might bang the clitoris once in a while. But that’s about it. And so you really need to think about alignment of bodies. And I know that’s kind of a mechanic’s part of it. But it is an important part of it. I mean, if you looked at how they have intercourse in the movies, for most women, that’s not going to do it. Yeah, you get what I’m talking about, right? I mean, and so for a husband understand. Okay, so if I’m going to try to stimulate her clitoris during intercourse. Well, if, if I’m on top and she’s on the bottom, yeah. Right. They talked about that quote, online at technique where instead of being up on, on all fours, he’s like laying right on her body, he shifts up. And what that does is it wraps the shaft of his penis across her vulva. And then they’re kind of bumping and grinding against each other to try to stimulate her clitoris with his shaft basically. Right?

4:31
So in that, does he come all all the way outside? Or is it they really stay pretty close together? It’s kind of like rocking back and forth. Is that

4:39
it? Yeah, yeah. So they’re rocking back and forth together? Yeah. And, or if she’s on top and she’s trying to stimulate her clitoris right she’s going to be her hips are going to be tipped forward and she’s going to be writing him low and stimulating her clitoris against his, his pelvic bone. Essentially, if that’s what works for her g spot stimulation, most women that have G Spot orgasms a lot of times during missionary position to lift up their hips so that they’ll lift up their legs. And then he’ll thrust he’ll be almost all the way up and thrusting against that front wall or vagina. And so there are different ways to align the knees to stimulate different areas, but, but they’re all different than what you see in the movies, huh? Yeah, for most women, for a lot of women, right.

5:35
So in terms of the G spot, just mechanically, right, you’re talking about the bulbous part of the penis, stimulating the top part of her vagina, which is essentially the, the top part pointing to the

5:50
right side, and fairly close to the entrance of the vagina. Right.

5:55
And the g spot for everyone who might be new to this is essentially, the more spongy spot on the top of the vagina, just about an inch to a half inch on the coming in the inside. So the bulbous part, putting up against that, and that’s after she’s already very aroused, and very much ready for the experience. Right? Yeah, tell us more. If you don’t mind sharing more about the G spot orgasm. I know. That’s something that people would love to hear about. If you other thoughts on it.

6:30
Um, like you said, you have to be really aroused. I think it’s probably easier to discover and I don’t know, acclimate your body to it through manual stimulation, or, or Yeah, later, you know, it’s an area that typically is not stimulated, like it needs to be stimulated, unless you know about it. In and Out thrusting of a penis doesn’t really stimulate it, right? Because you need to press into that area with a firm pressure in order to stimulate it’s not on the surface of the skin. Yeah, it’s tissue between the vagina and the urethra.

7:09
Yeah. Yeah. And so what I found is super helpful is for women to and you kind of you alluded to this a moment ago, is like, women, we just don’t understand what the feelings are inside of our vaginas, we just aren’t aware that there are any feelings because there’s just been this thrusting back and forth. And then it’s like, Well, I’m really there. I mean, I barely have time to, you know, think about what could be actually feeling in there. So when you think about like a deep solder, cervical orgasm, or what you you know, the G spot orgasm, right? Which is inside of the vagina, so, actually having practices in place that support you, beginning to understand and hone in your senses to understand your vagina. So like you said, holding poses and waiting suddenly, when you feel something really unique being like, oh, whoa, that was cool. Wait just a moment, baby. And then that allows you to then discover, oh, that must be something interesting. And there’s a cool feeling there and then you get more aroused and then a potential G Spot Orgasm could happen or cervical orgasm where you actually can experience things but you’re right I mean, it’s this. It’s this journey of kind of discovery of where and what your body does and love. What are your

8:30
most women would say that a G Spot Orgasm feels completely different than a clitoral orgasm. Like if it is a different experience. And, you know, some people that study sexuality would argue well, it’s just a clitoral orgasm from the backside. And I have a hard time with that concept to be honest, because orgasms feel so drastically different from each other. Yeah. And, and it’s more of a pushing down a bearing down and and kind of this full body experience of pleasure is not near as distinct as a clitoral orgasm. And so don’t expect it to feel like a clitoral orgasm. Yeah, and I think you know, women that have masturbated there, or maybe they’ve experienced orgasms through manual oral stimulation, like it’s so clear, and there’s nothing else going on that’s distracting you. Hmm. And, um, and some women that masturbate, they’re like, why is that my strongest orgasm? Why is it that that like, I almost feel guilty? That That feels so enjoyable, and it’s not the same during intercourse? Um, you know, I There are a lot of reasons for that. I don’t think we need to feel guilty for I think we’re supposed to enjoy them with our spouse. Yeah, I agree and let them in on that. Right. Let them see an experience what that is, help teach them about our body. But there are things that can be if you’re trying Learn new things about yourself. It takes a while. And it’s a process, right? The first time you experience something like, Well, I don’t really know it was, it was okay. And then, you know, as you practice, your body just becomes more in tune to it. Yeah. So it recognizes pleasure. Earlier, it goes there faster, because you, your body recognizes, oh, we’re going to a good spot we’re going to place and so you respond quicker.

10:30
Yeah, right. Right. Well, we’ve talked a bit about the G spot orgasm. Do you want to share a little bit more about what a deep spot orgasm would be? Like?

10:42
Um, I have to admit, I don’t have any personal experience with this. I don’t think.

10:47
Yeah, um, but it’s not as common as the others that we’re just not. Sure.

10:53
So, um, D spot is typically a deep inside of the vagina very close to the cervix. Yeah. Usually on the tummy side. Yeah. But can be on the anterior side, or posterior side, I should say. Yeah. And it feels the same as G Spot Orgasm. I think it’s the same set of nerves that the pleasure trap travels through. But women experience deep spot orgasm will say that it is like a surefire trigger when they are highly, highly aroused. If you that spot is like, bam, hmm. And it goes, hmm. And so it’s a little bit different experience than G spot. The tricky thing with deep spot is that it’s close to the cervix. So if you’ve been the cervix, it’s painful. For most women, when women are highly aroused, your uterus will kind of tip up, and then your vagina will balloon out. So I think it probably gives you a little better access to that spot. There are things that you can do to explore with fingers or with a vibrator or something to explore that spot. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So during, during intercourse, that would be like deep thrusting. Sometimes woman on top where she can kind of, yeah, find the right spot is a very typical scenario for that.

12:20
Yeah, I think it’s interesting how, for me, I was I was just clitoral orgasms until I got an understanding that a big part of orgasm was surrender, which seems completely outside of mechanics, but no sexual at all. But the rendering in all areas of my life to my husband, in ways that I used to be, you know, quite a control freak. And it wasn’t until I actually was able to surrender in other areas that it started to also infiltrate the bedroom of, okay, I can trust him to really be inside, I can really surrender to all the feelings to all the stuff, I can really feel I don’t have to worry about how I’m looking, if my belly is jiggling or any of those things, I can actually surrender to the feelings and really bring him in and breathe without like, obstructing any of that and just opening the inside of me. And that was when I was able to do G spot or gushing or other kinds of orgasms. But I wasn’t able to do that. Before that ever at all. And and so I think that’s, uh, hopefully gonna, you know, I think sometimes, honestly, I think sometimes we as women, we just need permission for someone to say it’s possible to have more pleasure and sex than they’ve ever experienced before. And then suddenly, it’s like, oh, yeah, I okay. I can do I

13:52
know, I was one of those women that had never had an orgasm during intercourse, probably for the first 25 years of my marriage. And, you know, we just figured out what worked and it and it worked. Yeah. And I just think I just, I had read enough secular books that they’re like, Yeah, that’s kind of just a myth. Yeah. And so don’t even worry about it. And so I just thought, well, that’s not never going to happen for me. But if you think to yourself, that’s never gonna happen, right? Then it’s never going to happen. And so we have to have positive expectations of know, this is possible, even if it’s never happened. God could do something new, and I can wake up and learn something new as a couple. And in many ways, I think that intercourse is opportunities for really growth as a couple as far as trusting each other. As far as communication. As far as learning new things about each other being in tune to each other’s bodies. There’s so many things that intercourse can teach us as we move towards making intercourse more enjoyable for the wife. You talked about surrender. When I was really fresh As I had finally decided, You know what, like, I really want to get there, like, I want to work on this and we’d worked on a lot of things. And I would get so close, and I just didn’t I wouldn’t make it I would just be volunteers. And one night, just crying in and my husband helped me as I pray to God, I said, God, I’m done trying, like, this is yours. If you want this to happen, this is gonna happen, but but I want to just enjoy what’s going on. And I don’t want anymore and and I don’t want to try to control things. It’s up to you. And and that’s, that was a huge shift for me. Yeah, it’s not like it made it like so all of a sudden, I’m having orgasms every time during intercourse. But it was a huge shift in intercourse becoming this hugely connecting experience where I could enjoy it. We both could enjoy it. Sometimes I might orgasm. Sometimes I might not care by orgasm. Yeah, but it was still hugely connecting. Sometimes I might ask for an orgasm afterwards. And that was fine, too. Mm hmm. So that was a huge shift. Just like you said that surrender is a is a piece of it.

16:10
Yeah, it sure is.

16:12
But I want to say this, though, you know, I’ve read Christian books that have talked about if a wife will just surrender her husband, then she would have an orgasm during intercourse. And that drives me nuts. Like, seriously, because there are a lot of other things by just saying, Okay, I just render, it’s my fault. That’s why I’m not having an orgasm, because I’m being too controlling. Yeah, like, I’m sorry, I don’t buy that there are a lot of things that we need to learn out about our bodies, our husbands need to learn all kinds of things. That’s right. And so it’s a combination of things. Don’t just tell a woman like, well, you’re not responsive during intercourse, because you haven’t surrendered to your husband.

16:56
Hmm, yeah, I’d love the kind of clarification, right? Because it’s got to start out with a woman feeling extremely safe in intimacy, where he is caring about her emotions, caring about her feelings patient with her gentle with her. I mean, those are the things the fruits of the Spirit exhibited. Spin, and then the cherry on top is her like, okay, her response to all of that is like, okay, can

17:23
talk about anything and being honest with each other instead of pretending like that’s a huge step and sex. How many women are pretending because they don’t want to hurt their husband’s feelings, or they don’t want him to feel bad, or they don’t want to feel bad about themselves? And they’re like, No, I’m fine. You know, but they’re not really being honest with themselves. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

17:50
Great. Yeah. No, I love it. I love it. So I think probably the last thing I want to ask about, which is just often so frequent, sadly, to couples, but there’s a essentially an anxiety that wives have about, oh, my gosh, is he gonna approach me for sex tonight? Like, okay, you know, am I gonna get initiated upon? You know, later, whatever, there’s this anxiety about it? What? What can you say to that wife? What can you say to that husband that has that dynamic,

18:20
they used to be me. And I used to do the whole thing of not letting him touch me or cuddle or sometimes even offered to give a back rub. And, and I would turn it down, because I thought, well, he’s going to expect something afterwards, went out on dates, you know, your husband tries to do something nice. And the whole time you’re thinking he was going to expect sex afterwards, right. And, you know, a big part of that was a huge mind shift for me to understand that sex was as important for me as it was for my husband, that sex was not just my husband needing a physical release. But he wanted to feel intimate and connected to me. And so for me understanding more about sex, we’ve received so many bad messages about sex as far as it being a duty or a need for a husband. We start feeling like we need to protect ourselves. And, and that’s what we do. We protect ourselves. And the whole time, we’re missing out on a powerful gift that God gave us to strengthen our relationship. I remember having I remember finally, like my husband, he’s just really patient kind guy. And he wasn’t very demanding. And I remember sometimes he would just take forever warming me up, and then we’d have sex. And afterwards I think, man, did I need that? Oh, at the time, I didn’t think I needed it at all. Yeah, I really didn’t want it. Yeah. I think the other factor that factor that women need to realize is like the longer we go without sex, the less we want it and the less so true We get to this place where we like we could really do without it, we could care less. Right? Right. And that’s a bad place to be. Right? I guess it’s really a hard place for us. It’s a hard place for our husband. Right? And so for those women, I guess I would just really challenge them to really dig into okay. What, like, if you took away all the cultural messages you had about sex, and even the messages from church about sex? What does the Bible say about sex? Yeah, like, David comforted Bathsheba after she lost her child with sex. In Song of Songs, a husband and wife back 3000 years ago, when women were had a very low role in culture, they were absolutely equals. And she expressed herself and and she asked her what she wanted, and she was active and enjoyed sex, like. And so, like, sex is supposed to be amazing, according to God’s Word. Now, we’ve been impacted by a lot of things. And it takes a lot of work to undo those things and to embrace God’s design. But when we do, it’s a totally different thing. For a husband. It feels different when a husband I don’t know, initiate sex? Mm hmm. Like it is different. And so I think there’s a I think that’s a huge, big question with a lot involved. But I think there’s a huge mindset change that needs to happen. I don’t really like Band Aid answers about sex. So we’ll just compromise, or just, you know, do this for him. And then he’ll do this for you this barter thing, or there’s so many bad ways that we handle sex, I think we have to go back to the beginning to God’s word. And see why we’re supposed to have sex and how we’re supposed to have sex. God talks about having sex to get to know each other, like, are we getting to know each other through sex? Are we just having sex? There’s a big difference between just having sex and actually getting to know each other through sex. And one of the reasons I think women kind of dread sex is because a lot of couples are having sex where they’re not getting to know each other. Hmm, I think women are very in tune to like, are we actually connecting during sex? Are we just like getting an orgasm? Because that’s really not all that interesting to me. Does he know my insecurities? Can he speak into those? Yeah. You know, do I know his insecurities? Yeah. Why no ways. Like there are all kinds of ways that we stretch ourselves, and we get to know each other and we grow each other up during sex. Are we doing those things? Or are we just having sex? And so I think there’s not just an importance in, we need to have sex and marriage, I think there’s importance to how we have sex in marriage.

22:59
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And I think that, you know, there’s so many different aspects of what knowledge is in terms of each other, and how each other’s bodies work and what each other enjoys and know, the connection, the unification and the absolute vulnerability of different aspects and activities. And it’s just like, right, sex is all in the beat. You know, and above. And I think sometimes, like you said, this hierarchy gets on our way to make it seem like, you know, sue this way, or that’s it. Yeah. So

23:41
can I just say one more thing about the orgasm during intercourse? Because I don’t want women to feel like, like, I think that there’s some formula to have an orgasm during intercourse or that it’s, it’s absolutely the right way that you need to have sex. And you may never have an orgasm during intercourse. And, and I think that’s, that’s okay. Yes, I agree. Like, can you get to a place where intercourse is connecting, and enjoyable and pleasurable and doesn’t leave you frustrated at the end? But I think that’s important. There is some evidence that the distance between the clitoris and the vagina the greater that distance, the less likely you’re going to have an orgasm during intercourse. That distance is some they think is kind of roughly related to how tall you are now haha, okay. Um, and so like, it might just be a matter of how your body is shaped. Hmm. But what can you learn through that? And what can you learn through making intercourse enjoyable is not just about get to the finish line. It’s about making it connecting and learning about each other. Mm hmm.

24:52
Yeah. I love that. I love it. Ruth. It’s so wonderful to speak to you as always talk to you Well, please tell the audience where can they find you? And what are

25:03
you up to nowadays? So I blog at awaken dash love dotnet. And you can find my book there a link to my book. But we also have video classes. We have six week video classes for women. We have six week video classes for men. And then there’s a one week class for engaged couples, and I’m just out there trying to help Christian men and women know what an amazing sex life God wants for them in order to strengthen their marriage.

25:33
Yeah, I love it. It’s such a vital important. Important important. So that’s awesome roof. Yeah. Great. Well, thanks again. And God bless you. And we’ll talk soon.

25:45
Sounds great. Thank you.

25:46
Okay, take care. Bye. Amazing. Well, thank you Ruth’s for everything and sharing your heart and doing the work that you do. It’s just incredible. And I hope you, dear listener, whether you’re a husband or a wife, that you’ve been impacted, and that you’ve gotten some important nuggets for your intimacy in your marriage. Awesome. Well, let me pray for you and send you off. Father, I pray for the person on the other end of this line, Father, that there would be a greater sense of union between the husband and the wife God, that the husband had have greater insights to his wife to her heart to her body, Lord, and I pray for the wife as well would have a greater sense of her own body and her own feelings and what’s going on in the act of lovemaking. I pray that you would grow that and increase that in their marriage. In Jesus name. Amen. Awesome. Well, thank you. And again, if you are really looking for that clarity, this is an awesome opportunity to have a call with me one on one. And people just tell me that it’s it’s just such an impacting experience for them. And yeah, I honor and, and would love the opportunity to speak with you so www.dym.s.me Already, God bless. Bye.

27:24
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion

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I’m so excited to chat with Ruth Buezis (author of  Awaken Love) about how to transform your sex life  into something much deeper.  Ruth started out her journey by talking about sex to 8 of her closest friends! Word spread and she’s now sharing her journey to hundreds of women who used to be in the same boat as she was.  You can learn more about Ruth Buezis at her website (here). Have a look at her book here. 

We talk about Christian couples and the usual questions we get from them:

-How do I help my wife orgasm?

-How do I orgasm during intercourse (from wives)?

-How long should I last (from husbands)?

-What EXACTLY should I do (from both!)?

And as Ruth says, men can get so caught up in the mechanics — but there is so much more to sex than just mechanics!

What are the things that husbands and wives can do DURING and AFTER intercourse instead of feeling pressured and worried?

There are actually SO MANY things couples can do to help remove the pressure!

Whether or not there’s orgasm during intercourse, there are lots of things that CAN be done so it’s always mutually enjoyable during intercourse. 

Other things we talk about:

– What if a husband finishes earlier?  

– What about gentlemen who last way longer than the women? 

– What makes sex better for HER?

– How God wants us to be excited about sex with our spouses

Also, if you’d like a free 1:1 Clarity Call with Belah — a $500 value — she is offering that free to her audience. Here you will get insights into what’s blocking you from incredible intimacy in your marriage. Sign up for a time to speak to Belah at www.delightyourmarriage.com/call

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah. Rose.

0:21
Hi there and welcome. This is belah rose, thank you so much for joining me. If you would like to have a clarity call with me that is 40 minutes of one on one undivided attention from myself to really help you move through what your obstacles are and understand what your next steps might be to bring your marriage from possibly disaster to passion and love enjoy together, I’d love for you to go to www dot delight your marriage.com/call. And that’s a free call worth $500 That you and I can have together. Do that as soon as you can. Awesome. Okay, so today on the show today I have Ruth uses. And she’s going to be talking about how to make intercourse more pleasurable for your wife. So a wife or husband should listen to this. I think it gives a lot of insight and help. And this is part one. Part two is also really fantastic. So let’s dive in

1:36
All right, welcome back to let your marriage listener I am so excited that you are joining me today. And I’m really stoked because I have this wonderful woman sitting in front of me on my visual video camera. That’s right across the country. Ruth with those who is here again, to grace us with such great wisdom and knowledge and lived out wisdom that she’s walked alongside many others in this journey to really awakening love in marriages. So welcome, Ruth,

2:11
thank you for having me. This is this is super fun. I have I think if I like to talk about anything, it’s about talking about sex.

2:22
You come to the right place. Yes. Awesome, awesome. Well, like I said, we’ve talked a few times before, and this is just a really good, you know, safe space to really dive in, and, and really invite God to open up our hearts and minds and spirits to what he wants to do. So yeah, maybe I’ll just do a quick prayer. And we’ll be awesome. Deeper. Yeah. So Father, we invite you and we ask God that you would be in this conversation, we ask you for your wisdom, your insight, God, even brand new things that neither Ruth or I have ever thought of before God that you would bring that to the surface. Lord, I pray for every woman or husband listening God that that would be deep, deep impacts in marriages that would go to their kids and generations and their ministries and do what you want to do in this conversation. Jesus name. Amen. Amen. All righty. Well, I know that we chatted a little bit about well, before I go into that, Ruth, I want to just share your book with everyone awaken love, which is very recent. In 2019. Yeah, September 2018 2018. Amazing. So yeah, late, late 2018. So I’ll just read from kind of the back of your introduction is Ruth besos, founded awaken loved taught her first sex class to eight close friends, which is super brave.

3:51
Crazy. You know,

3:52
like, I feel like I talked to strangers about sex. But my close friends that was very brave. In 2012, after experiencing transformation, or own marriage, from that small beginning word spread by word of mouth to impact marriages around the world. Ruth continues to teach, but also spends time writing, speaking and developing curriculum around sexuality. She’s been married to Jim for over 30 years and has four amazing grown daughters. Very cool. Anything you want to add to that kind of introduction of who you are, what you’re about,

4:25
um, you know, I’ve been teaching classes for seven years now. And I’ve probably taught over 800 Women in person. Oh my gosh, and it has both been hard. And it’s been an amazing journey of watching God work. And seeing the transformation and women that can take place in six short weeks when you hear God’s truth and you just have a community to be able to share with and so I don’t really have any formal training. I’m really just an ordinary woman that felt compelled and called to share What God has shown me and and so I don’t have all the answers. But but I’m, I know that God is showing me things still.

5:10
Yeah, yeah. And I feel like a lot of it is trusting that that conviction that passion, you know that God’s gonna give us that first step and then he’s just going to continue to incite and give what he needs to give for his work to be accomplished. Right, right. Ah, good, good, good, good. Okay. Well, I know what we wanted to kind of dig into is the crosses you actually have for men or have had? How is, you know, teaching them essentially making intercourse more enjoyable for their wives. That’s something you’ve talked through with them before.

5:47
Yeah. And we talk, we talk about that a lot with both the wives and with the men. You know, there’s such a, this huge spread of ideas about that. I remember talking to a friend and her saying, Well, do you mean that women can orgasm during intercourse? And then I remember talking to another friend and her saying, You mean, not all women orgasm. And, um, and it is one of the most asked questions people want to know, like, how do I help my wife to orgasm during intercourse? Or as a woman? You know, how do I orgasm during intercourse? Yeah, I think that whether or not we orgasm during intercourse, I think there are a lot of things that we can learn to makes sex mutually enjoyable during intercourse, whether or not there isn’t an orgasm. Yeah, I think the men can get so caught up in the mechanics.

6:43
Mm hmm. Yeah,

6:44
I just last long enough. Or if I just move this way? Or if I just I don’t know, it’s all about mechanics. And there’s so much more to sex and to intercourse than mechanics. Yeah, so true. So one of the most important concepts I think, that I teach is, I call it coming up with a plan B, which is just this idea of, you know, just because the wife, the husband has finished, doesn’t mean that you can’t keep going so that the wife can enjoy sex, too. Mm hmm. And, and what happens when you don’t have this plan B is that if he finishes, she doesn’t always and she’s laying there feeling like a failure or feeling frustrated, and he’s laying there thinking, I failed again. Yeah. And so what that plan B does is it helps both of them to enjoy what happens during intercourse, and to take off the pressure so they can actually enjoy the connection, rather than laying there worrying during intercourse. Just don’t feel too much. So you’ll last longer, right? Checking out like guys talk about, they’ll count backwards. Think about their grandmother, and they’re just like this connecting during sex. The wives are probably doing a similar thing as far as just worrying, am I going to finish this time? And so it’s and you set up this negative expectation and this negative pattern? Where you were you setting yourself up for failure? Really? Yeah. And so if couples can talk about sex enough to actually have this conversation, then it takes the pressure off. Now, that’s not an easy thing, right? Because some men might not even know that their wives aren’t finishing. If she’s gonna get excited and involved enough, like he might think that she has finished, you might not even realize or maybe doesn’t want to hear it? Yeah. Um, so it’s a really hard conversation. But I think it’s important conversation that comes out of honesty and vulnerability, and being fully known to each other. And so it might be that a wife says, you know, I don’t know if you realize this or not. And I probably should have been more honest. But I don’t always finish during intercourse. And it can sometimes be frustrating. And can somebody times be hard? And is there a way that I could finish afterwards, even if you’ve finished? And I and I tell I coach the guys I’m like, You know what, basically, after you finish during intercourse, just ask your wife every single time. Can we keep going with this expectation of like, I love this. Can we keep going? And that might mean maybe she wants another orgasm? Maybe? Yeah. Maybe he hasn’t finished yet. But he’s willing to say you know, what, can we keep going? And then she has the option. She can either say no, like, that was amazing. It was Yeah. And that might mean she had an orgasm or might mean you know what? I feel so connected. Did you I’m so good.

10:01
Yeah. Or that’s definitely what women want. Sometimes they just want that sex gives. Whether it’s an orgasm or not. Yeah,

10:09
absolutely. Like she gets decide or she might say, yeah, like, can we keep going?

10:14
Yeah. And like you said, more than one orgasm. I think that’s something that women, many don’t even realize that they have the potential for more than one like, yes. Great. You had one, keep going have another one and another one and another one. But you’re right. It’s so vulnerable for a wife to be like, I know, you did finish. But I, I’m still interested here. Like, what? Why are we?

10:36
Why are we stopping? Right? Well, and pretty soon she starts expecting during intercourse, I don’t know, she just has these negative expectations. And we need to set ourselves up for positive expectations of enjoying it no matter what. Knowing that our husband will take care of us afterwards. So we don’t have to end up frustrated. Mm hmm. And we have to own that too, right? Because we can shut ourselves down in a second of Gosh, darn it, I didn’t finish this time. And we just shut our body down and do everything and we still won’t get there. So we’ve got to wrap our mind around that of okay, is intercourse, the only way to connect in a finish and have an orgasm? Are? Can I accept that there are other ways and I don’t always have to come first. Sometimes he can come first. We need to be okay with that.

11:26
Yeah. What do you think people’s blocks are? In terms of creativity? Separate from just orgasm?

11:35
Um, wow, the place I was gonna go to is, I mean, I think that we create a hierarchy of what’s the especially as Christians the right way to have sex. Yeah. Right. The right way to have sex is what we saved until marriage, or we tried to save into marriage. So that’s, that’s intercourse, right? That’s the right way to have sex. That’s the right way to have an orgasm. And then, and then things follow after that, right? Well, you can have an orgasm during intercourse with maybe some extra help a vibrator or your hands? Well, that’s the next best way. And then, like, it just goes down the line. Yeah. And we think that one is better than the other. And yet, when you look at the Bible, when you look at Song of Songs, you know, my hierarchy set up in the Bible. Yeah. And so I don’t know, it’s very ingrained in culture, not just in the Christian culture, but in secular culture. Yeah. And I think that sex is largely been defined by what works for men, like if you look at what sex is portrayed in TVs, or in the movies, right? It’s the kind of intercourse that works for a man. Right? No, absolutely. thrusting it out, which for most women, it doesn’t do anything for us. And so we have this idea in our mind of what sex is supposed to look like. And then when that does nothing for us, it just makes us feel completely broken.

13:06
Hmm. Yeah, I really love that you said this hierarchy of sex as of like, sexual experiences, because it kind of says that, you know, the man’s pleasure, what’s going to ultimately make him have an orgasm is at the top? And what the wife might ultimately get an orgasm, maybe that’s four or five number down? And right, what’s what’s the best sexual experience? Right? What is ultimately making love, you know, and for me, you know, I think it’s most valuable to call basically, any, any intimate act that you wouldn’t be okay with your spouse doing with anyone else should be called making love. I was.

13:49
And really deep down, I think women can feel that some of the other acts are more intimate, then I’m going to have one woman, she’s like, when my son and I were in disagreement, I could have intercourse with him. Yeah. But if we have a disagreement, there was no way that he was going to let it serve me with oral sex or love Me with oral sex. Like, I could not let him go there because that was too intimate and too vulnerable. And so like, there are some acts of sex that can feel much more intimate than intercourse. Yeah. And I’m actually I feel like a lot of times we have intercourse in ways that are not very intimate. Like they’re not very connecting. Right? The demand goes about his, his motion and his mechanics to get to the finish line, but, but a lot of times, we’re on two separate worlds. You know, he’s thinking of trying to last longer or he’s thinking of what he’s seen and, and we’re trying to zone out so it doesn’t, it’s not too painful. Or maybe we’re taking ourselves to a deserted beach to try to make it more exciting but but like it’s just the world emotion, we don’t really connect during intercourse, I mean, you can get underneath the covers and never even see each other and having intercourse. Right. And so there are some sexual acts that that could just right from the get go feel more intimate. But I think that we can make intercourse more intimate and connecting to and and that’s some of the challenging some of the things that that I try to teach is is okay, let’s not just hop through it how to have an orgasm during intercourse, let’s figure out how to have intercourse in a way that is intimate and connecting.

15:36
So what do you think about, you know, times that, for example, a wife might feel, you know, some of the things that we’re talking about that she doesn’t necessarily feel that connected or intimate. But what about him feeling super connected and intimate? Now? Is there a hierarchy of who gets the better intimate feelings? Does that make sense?

15:59
I think you can. I think you can change intercourse so that it feels intimate and connecting for both. And sometimes I think that we have things to teach men that they wouldn’t discover on their own. Like, if we just let them go about how they have sex, I think they miss out on some of what God has for us. Because they don’t learn how to slow down. They don’t know how to, like speak words back and forth to their wife, they don’t know how to, I don’t actually feel and sit still with each other rather than just like, let’s create friction to get get to the finish line. Is this frantic? Let’s get to the finish line. And so I think there are things that as a man learns to have intercourse in a way that is connected to his wife. It opens up his world in a new way. Right? That’s part of the importance of mutuality and sex is it’s not just so that she gets hers to it’s because she has things to teach him. And he has things to teach her.

17:05
So what do you think the major things are that, you know, she needs to learn from him from his sexuality?

17:12
I need to learn how to be more spontaneous. I mean, we’re like, No, I gotta get to have house clean and laundry done. And like, everything’s got to be an order. And we need to be able to just step into the moment and being genius. I think we need to learn how to enjoy our eyes more like our husbands do to watch our bodies coming together and, and experience that that as amazement of God’s creation, and, and to let that create arousal and cite the excitement in us. Um, yeah, yeah, that’s a couple of

17:51
quid. Yeah, yeah. Your book is full of other ones. Um, so Okay, so we kind of have talked so far, assuming that the husband goes quickly, right? And 75% of men are quicker ones. What about the men that are really at a spot where they’re going much longer than their wife is? And their wife is like, Okay, I’m, I’m ready. What can what kind of insights can you give those gentlemen?

18:20
Yeah, um, you know, it’s interesting sexual dysfunction, whether it’s for the woman or for the man. A lot of times is caused by anxiety and worry. So the more a wife worries about whether she’s having an orgasm, the harder it is to have one, the more man worries about Will I last long enough, the quicker he comes, the more a man worries about, am I going to laugh? Am I going to be able to have an orgasm and ejaculation and finish during intercourse? Yeah, the harder it is for him to finish. Now, there are also external factors, right? I mean, if a man has viewed a lot of pornography, or used his hands a lot masturbating, then certainly his body has gotten used to that. And, and it might be important to leave that behind in order to let his body react linemate to the stimulation that he receives during intercourse. And that’s, that’s not something that we always talk about, but I think it’s becoming more and more of a factor and I think it’s important to mention that but for the man where it may be, it’s just anxiety or maybe age, right I mean, younger men are older men, their bodies slow down, they’re not as reactive as they used to be. And and they might even need some foreplay in order to get an erection. There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with a man receiving foreplay. And, and, and I think he needs to get used to his body. I think if he starts worrying about it, it’s going to make it worse, so he needs to break just bring himself Back to be present, enjoy the moment, instead of worrying about it needs to get out of his head. He can also do exercises as far as Kegel exercises to help circulation in that area. Regular sex on a on a regular basis certainly helps. All of those things help.

20:17
Yeah. Yeah. Wonderful. Okay, so when you so when we’re kind of Yeah, circling back to what does make intercourse better for her, like, you know, a lot of husbands they really want their wives to enjoy. They really do want sex to be good for her, I think we’ve talked about some of the negative was what are some of the positive things they can start to bring into their marriage bed, so that it is enjoyable, right?

20:44
So a couple of things. One, one of the women in my class, she said, The best advice anybody gave me when I got married was just, like, get on top of them and sit still. Like, really to like, because, okay, here’s a couple of reasons why, like, first for him to, for her to just feel him inside of her. Okay. But the other reason is, like, imagine you have this horse that is like ready to go, it’s all reared up, right? And you just immediately start moving, and he’s getting closer, like, he’s just gonna run back to the barn. And so you need to let him just kind of settle into this space of just feeling you and being okay and settled.

21:29
So this is with the dynamic, assuming that he’s one that would otherwise probably do. Right, right. Or at least very quickly. So you’re saying that instead, they just kind of unify they just come inside of each other and stay put? And just

21:45
yeah, just just for the whole time, right but for a period eye contact

21:53
I went the other side I thought I thought that was it. That’s just that’s what I thought sex was

22:02
to get inside of each other, just sit there across from each other and look at each other

22:06
and you get pregnant that’s all it takes. I mean to just

22:09
like, just acclimate and feel each other right and then um, for her to take the lead as far as movement and for him to try to match that movement or be with her in that movement rather than anything off

22:32
amazing, so I can’t wait to share part two with you next week. And once again, if you are interested in having that call with me once again a $500 value. Go to www dot delight your marriage.com/call Looking forward to chatting next week. God bless.

22:54
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion

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How do you become MORE attractive to your wife? 

What exactly do I mean when I say “attraction”? 

Well, it’s kind of like having a pull towards yourself. Whatever it is that you’re doing, it’s going to pull her and cause her to desire you. When you’re attractive to her, she’ll also have a physical desire towards you.

What can you do as a spouse to cause her to be interested again? To be FULLY in the marriage again?

My theory? Attraction works outside of marriage like this:

 You are a whole human being with your own passions and desires and she starts being drawn to your power and confidence. Slowly, through time, you BOTH start to fall in love. 

It’s simple:

Chemistry (natural attraction) + spending time with each other = being attracted to someone

We’ll be attracted to different types of people our whole lives. It’s up to us as married people to not spend time with others. 

So how do you become the whole man that you want to be?

• By desperately seeking her love?
• By wishing to spend more time with her?

This is the kind of work that I do with the men that I work with in The Masculinity Reclaimed program. If you want to get tailored advice and deep insight into your own marriage, you can do so by scheduling a call at www.dym.as.me .

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah. Rose.

0:21
Alright, so in this episode, I want to talk about becoming more attractive. This is belah. Rose, this is the delight your marriage podcast, I’m really excited that you’re here. This is a safe space to talk about intimacy, all sorts of types in your marriage, whether it’s emotional, spiritual, or physical intimacy. The reason I think this topic is important, is I’m going to direct it to men. Because a lot of men are really looking for a greater sexual intimacy in their marriage, whether it’s more frequency, more variety, or her, you know, a greater engagement from her. And a lot of that has to do with his attractiveness. So you might be thinking, okay, belah, are you telling me to go, you know, live in the gym and benchpress? And, you know, somehow grow your size? So you’re six foot one or two? And the answer is no, I’m not asking you to do that, in the least, when I say attraction, I’m talking about a pool towards yourself, what’s going to pull her and cause her to desire you, and have a physical desire for you. I mean, I work with husbands that have recently been separated from their wives, and she has left or, you know, in similar fashion, so that she’s not interested in the marriage anymore. And so what can you do as a spouse to cause her to be interested, again, to want to spend time with you and love you and be in the marriage again? Well, some of this stuff might sound counterintuitive. But I want you to really understand that this is where women are coming from. Now, the way Attraction works outside of a marriage, is you essentially get this notion of the other person that they are a full human being, with their own interests with their own passions and excitement, as a person, and you kind of start being drawn to their power and their confidence. And slowly over time, and because you have that chemistry, through time with each other, you start to fall in love. And so that’s really my definition and theory behind why people fall in love is, first of all, they have that chemistry, which is natural attraction. That just I don’t know how God decided to drop that on people, but I think he does. And so the natural thing, but then it’s just spending time with each other. It’s just time. So any of us can be attracted to just about anyone that we have chemistry with, we can have that, that feelings of attraction, but it’s up to us as married faithful people, to not pursue that attraction with time. So for you, as a spouse, looking to attract your your spouse back, what you want to do, your husband is to become the whole man that you once were the man that attracted your wife from the beginning. What was it? Was it you desperately seeking her love? Was it you? Wishing you could spend time with her and saying, why don’t we spend time anymore kind of complaining attitude, that it’s her fault that you guys don’t have a good marriage? No, those are not things that are going to make her want to be with you anymore. But the things that are going to make her want to be with you is when you start filling your life up with things that are attractive. So the interesting thing about this is when you think about the fruits of the Spirit, they are very attractive qualities. Well, let’s talk about them together. So love. You know, that’s exciting, right? When you are a person of love when you love others, whether it’s your family, friends, your wife, you’re just a person of love. Joy, you have fun in life, right you’ve you’ve decided and created a life that is good and fun. and positive love, joy, peace, where you’re not worried, you’re not anxious, you’re not in a place of constant concern for the future, you developed that skill.

5:15
Love, joy, peace, patience, where this is something that you’re not rushing all the time, you’re willing to be present in the moment, you’re willing to have deep conversations without thinking, Okay, the next step must be. I mean, who knows, I’m rolling my eyes making love, like, that’s often how men think they’re, they’re like, Oh, good, maybe this conversation is going to end and making love or maybe tonight’s the night. Honestly, your patience is what’s more attractive. The patient’s you have to hold her in, when she’s really needing you, having patience to listen and really be present with her in those love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, goodness is, you know something where you have a purpose in this life. It’s not just your marriage, you are not just consumed with your marriage, but you want to be a person that has God’s ambition for your life in mind, always. So we all have different purposes, we’re not all called to be doing the same thing. For example. Paul was called to minister to the I might mess this up, I can’t remember if it was he was called to the Jews. Or he was called to the Gentiles, I think he must have been called to the Gentiles. And Peter was called to the Jews. But anyway, you know, God is that I mean, and that’s what it says in the Bible. So God is very careful about our strengths and our proclivities and our weaknesses and our experiences and, and the ways and interests that he gave us and the family, he put us in all of these things, he has got specific work for us to do. And so for you, as a man to be totally about God’s work is really important in terms of attracting your wife back, it’s not interesting for a man to be obsessed with his marriage. That’s not attractive. It just is like, wait a second, that’s not interesting is that the whole thing you why you wake up in the morning is because of your wife, like it’s great that your your marriage supports your life and is positive for your family. But it shouldn’t be your only purpose.

7:54
Love joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, being kind to others, being kind to your family, your kids, those around you. Kindness is extremely a traffic of joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, that’s also something that men often forget to exhibit, being gentle with people with your wife, that when you say something, you say it in a way that’s tactful, and you are careful with your words to be gentle. The next one is faithfulness, that is extremely attractive when you are pursuing the Word of God on your own. When you are someone who’s about the love of God, when you are reading your Bible, when you are journaling about what you have found in it when you are consistent and you’re in church and you love God with your with your whole heart, those things, attract her to want to pursue God more. And then finally, self control. You know, the glutton is not the attractive person or the person that is not sexually self controlled, where you know, you’re addicted to different sexual sins. Self control is very attractive. And, you know, the discipline of for example, working out is extremely attractive as well. So think about who you were when you guys fell in love. And you might have fallen into old habits and that’s okay. All right. Now, wherever you are, in order to become more attractive to your spouse, get back into those rhythms into those systems, and you can do it. I want to encourage you that you’re not a victim to this life. By God’s grace, He gives us everything we need to live this life according to what he wants for us. And I have been in really horrible situations in this life and by God’s grace They don’t have to be permanent. So what you’re going through right now, whether it’s a horrible job, or a horrible spot in your marriage, or things with your kids, or your finances, or all sorts of things that you might be going through family stuff, the death of someone you love, all of those really challenging suffering things in life, it’s not going to be permanent. Not all of it is under your control, right. But there are things that you can do that are under your control that involve you and you alone. And you can do those things, you have the Holy Spirit inside of you, guiding you empowering you. And you can become a person that’s more attractive to your wife. You don’t have to feel like you’re powerless around this. She can come back. So I just encourage you to have that vision, and to not give up hope and to be a person of faith, to say your prayers in faith and not self pity. But faith. Be a man that you are proud of, that you yourself look up to. And don’t come to compare yourself to others, but compare yourself to who you were yesterday, that every day you’re getting better and better. You know, this is the kind of honestly the kind of work that I do with men is that not only do you need the guidance, but you need the support and the accountability. And then you need more tailored advice to what you’re doing and how progress happens and where the results are coming. That’s why I have my program masculinity reclaimed, be respected, enjoy fierce intimacy and love being married again. That’s really what my work is about. If this is something that’s interesting to you, or vital to you, and you feel like this is something you need to know if it’s the right fit, you can go to www.dy m.as.me. And you and I can get on a 40 minute call, we can dive into your marriage. And my whole mission there is to give you clarity on what’s going on, and have the discerning hat is if you if you’d be the right fit for my program, if I can help you. And then we’ll talk about that, what that could look like. But otherwise, you’re going to get amazing value on that call. And it’s a $500 value. So I encourage you to sign up as soon as you can.

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All right, well, I encourage you, I’m going to pray for you before we sign off. Lord, You are the most powerful, you are the God of the universe, you raise people from the dead, even now, even today, you have incredible miracles. Just the other day you healed my nephew from knee pain that just randomly appeared. And you completely healed him before the hospital doctors could even understand what was going on, based on the video is and then he was completely healed. So these are the kinds of miracles that happen all the time. Lord, I asked for faith that you would just imbue faith in the husband listening, that that he can attract his wife back, that he doesn’t have to force her or push her or guilt her into coming back to him but he can attract her back. Based on moving in the direction you want him to move as a human as a person, that that this is actually your will for his life. And if the motivation starts out to attract his wife back, fine by me, that’s great. But ultimately, Father I pray it would be for your glory. Maybe our earthly motivation is to keep the family together and and attract the wife back but God I pray in Jesus name, Lord, that He would become the man you want him to become. Give him faith give him power and his inner man, Holy Spirit you you empower us to do everything you want us to do to live by the Spirit to exhibit the fruits of the Spirit. I pray in Jesus name would you give him that grace in the season to grow exactly the way that you want him to? In Jesus mighty name. We love you. We praise you. Thank you for what you’ve already started. Continue this good work we pray. Awesome. Thank you for listening in and I’ll talk to you next week.

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Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it. Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion

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Hi there! Belah here and it’s just me this time. I talk about the taboo topic of Oral Sex. Yes, we need to start talking about this. And answering questions, like is it: bad? wrong? gross? And what does it mean to your marriage. And more importantly what does it mean to your husband. Listen in to hear why I think it is dirty and the change that needs to be made. You’ll probably be surprised at my responses about it.

Check out delightyourmarriage.com/14 to sign up for the webinar happening where I get very specific! (Only open to wives!)

transcript

0:00
to light your marriage episode 14.

0:04
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah rose. Hello,

0:21
hello, welcome back. I’m so glad that you’re here with me today. This is the delight your marriage podcast. And I’m belah rose. So if this is your first time coming to hear any of the episodes, I want you to know that not all of the episodes are quite so steamy. But I will say that they’re sprinkled in there on purpose. And I have you know, each of the interviews, I talk about lots of things, including how to have more healthy arguments and how to not say the negative things that are on your mind. I mean, there’s so many great stories as well of how people have pushed through really difficult seasons. But also, there’s a lot about sexual intimacy. And the reason for that is because intimacy covers all aspects. It’s about sex, it’s about your heart. It’s about what you say. It’s about how you’re feeling. It’s about being transparent. I mean, there’s just so many aspects of it. So I don’t want you to think, yes, this is in the sexuality section, because I want people to realize, we are going to be talking about sex. This is really not a podcast, where your kids can be involved. But I hits for you, my dear wife, it’s for you. Dear precious wife, this podcast is for you. It’s not for your kiddos. So make sure you got your headphones on or they’re in the other room while you’re listening to this stuff. Because it’s going to be talking about all areas of how to have and be delighted in your marriage. Alright, so today it is about oral sex, and I am excited to tell you number one, why it is dirty? Yep, I talk about that. Number two, I’m going to talk about what to do about it. And number three, I’m talking about how are the reasons it should be incorporated into your marriage? Sorry, I lost my train of thought there. Yet my son is here in the background. Well, he’s he’s far too young to really understand what we’re talking about. So, but make sure your kids are out of the room and enjoy this episode. I really hope that you like it. And if you do, let me know. I’d love to hear and I’d love you to share with your friends. Because if you’ve ever struggled in this area, I bet they have to. Okay, we’ll talk on the other side.

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Hey, there, this is belah rose. I am so glad that you’re joining me today. And thank you for sticking with me on such a steamy topic. Now it is just me today. Because every now and then I’m going to be doing very specific topics for you. But today, I think I’d like to tackle a big one oral sex. Is it dirty? That’s that’s the question. And I were to talk to. Well, actually here, let me tell you the story. I was telling a friend about what my book was about. And I was trying to ask her for some advice on how to talk about it better. You know how to present it well. And she was like, Don’t Don’t say oral sex. Don’t say that word. That’s that’s just too much. It gives you you know, images of 69 and all these other things. Like really, I guess I’ve gotten so close to the topic, I forget what the word means to so many other people. So that’s the first point that oral sex is dirty. And this is the reason it’s the word. It is the word oral sex, and all of the, you know, synonyms. We’ve got blowjobs going down on him giving head unfortunately, each of those words and there’s more and there’s more that are worse. Each of those words provoke images of pornographic experiences. So I was a kid when I stumbled on pornography that for the first time and I talked about this on my blog, I’ll have it linked up in the show notes. But yeah, I was doing homework and I stumbled upon a site about I mean, I can’t visually remember exactly what it was but it was a it was pornography. Unfortunately, it was not the only time once I was exposed to it for the first time. You know, and you can you know, read about this. Literally pornography has an addictive chemical that’s released in your brain that really causes people a significant addiction. It’s not just a you know, one time and dying. It literally is a chemical addiction. So anyway, that was my first exposure to everything. Sexual element ever, you know, everything was through the lens of pornography. And I mean, it took a long time for me to get out of that addiction. And as a female, it’s something like, it’s less than than men being addicted, but it’s something still like 30%. So that’s significant. So if you’re struggling with this one, you’re not alone. And two, there is hope and help. So, you know, I’m going to have something called covenant eyes linked up. Also in the show notes. I just started working with them, but I was promoting them before I ever became an affiliate. But if you are struggling with pornography addiction, I so encourage you to get some kind of filter. Now you can use covenant eyes, and I suggest it but if you don’t use that, use another service use something that will prevent your computer for accidentally getting porn on there. And if you have kids, even more, so my goodness, if I could take back those experiences that I had, I would oh my goodness, it is so addictive. And you know, now with smartphones, it’s so much easier to get it on your, your smartphone. So please, please get some kind of filter for your family, for your husband, for yourself, for your kids, everything, it’s just worth not having that temptation around. So again, I’ll have that linked up in case you want to check out covenant eyes or some other filter do it. Okay, so after being addicted to pornography, everything that I knew about sex was now bad, which which, you know, outside of marriage it is. But all of my understandings about sex were in this context of sin. And unfortunately, it was hindering me from enjoying sex in my marriage, because I was equating sex as sin. And for a while after I got out of pornography. I was doing the flee from all sexual immorality, right? That’s what Paul tells us to do. And that’s, and it’s true, we need to be fleeing from immorality, and before marriage, it is in morality. However, in marriage, it’s good. And it’s beautiful. And it’s wonderful for your marriages, holy. These are all things I’m going to unpack a little bit more in just a minute. But if the words are tripping you up, and you can imagine these, you know, scenes that maybe maybe it wasn’t pornography for you, maybe it was premarital sex, maybe it was some experiences you’ve had, and I don’t want to put more word pictures in your mind, but I’m just asking you to consider, dear wife, is this something that you need to dis?

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What’s the word disassociate, you don’t need the associations with the word. So So here’s, you know, that’s my first point is oral sex is dirty. And that’s why because it conjures up all these past experiences that that really are sinful, and God doesn’t want us to be considering, I just want to mention that if you do have this past that is still affecting you and in inhibiting your mind and not giving you peace. I just want to give you some encouragement. The way God set it up is, is that, you know, he says in the word that if your eye is evil, okay, here it is. It’s Matthew 623. And it says, The eye is the lamp of the body. So then if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If you’re looking at things that are wrong, and things that are sinful, it’s obviously going to affect your mind, and it’s going to come back to you even when you might not want it to. So that that’s that’s the deal. You know, if you are struggling with imaginations that come even without notice, and you’re all of a sudden thinking about something that is sinful. I just want you to be encouraged that it does take time, but it will go away if you are vigilant about cleaning, cleaning your mind. So here’s here’s it was actually a wonderful talk that I heard about sexual sin. In this this husband and wife who both were in some serious sexual sin. They said that if you think about a bathtub, I think about that bathtub full of dirty dirty water, you know, just gross, black, muddy little chunks here and there. I mean, just disgusting, right? But let’s say you do this, let’s say you turn on the water and the clean pure water starts flowing into that dirty, dirty mess. Slowly what will happen is the gross black filth will start to flow overtop and leave the bathtub and slowly as you just continue to pour that good water in. It’s just going to be release all of that negative filth. So I just want to encourage you, you know, get into the Word, let the word be hidden in your heart. So that when you’re, you know, tempted to sin, you can just pull out a Scripture, we have the power to take every every thought captive. So slowly, you know, start to understand the word and what, what God says about our thought life and as a man thinketh, so is he so so if your thought life is bad, honestly, that’s kind of what God is saying is that your your, your insides are bad. So, so change those thoughts, change those thoughts, get, get better thoughts in there, get that pure, clean water, meditate on the Word, and it’s going to start shifting and changing. I also want to encourage, obviously, on so many of our episodes, we talked about, you know, getting some accountability, getting some people in your life that are talking to you about these difficult subjects. That is huge, especially when it comes to sexual sin. You need to expose that to the light, you need to confess your sins and be forgiven. Get someone who’s trustworthy that you can really divulge these things to all right. The point is, oral sex is a bad word. And now I want to tell you what to do about it. Because I think oral sex is actually a really good thing. So here’s what I want you to do. Let’s think of a new word, right? That’s the issue. I mean, God has made words powerful, and on purpose. But he, when we associate something as sinful, we need to change the word. So you know, slowly, maybe as your mind is cleaned up, you know, and you start thinking of things in God’s light. You know, the word might might not be an issue, but at this point, if it is, let’s change it. So here’s the word Penny. Yep, Penny, just like you know, a quarter a dime, Penny. The reason I chose this word is because it’s often not used. But the word Pena Lingus is actually a version of fellatio. And it’s basically the male version of kind of Lingus. So if you know what kind of Lingus is, it’s it’s oral sex being performed on a woman. Pena Lingus is oral sex being performed on a man. So for short, Penny, and you know, it’s a fun word. It helps you to think about the experience positively. And the only Association you have with the word is you and husband just enjoying each other.

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So use the new word and feel free to have fun, you know, you can use it in public, no one knows what you’re talking about. Honey, would you be interested in a penny when we get home? Or I’d really love to give you a penny. But I guess I can’t do it right now maybe in a little while. So that’s pretty fun. experiment that with your honey and enjoy that. The other thing is, this experience should not be a job. It’s unfortunate that blowjob is so common and common to use. And and if you know, if you don’t mind, in your marital intimacy between the two of us the words that you guys enjoy, it’s fine. It’s totally fine. So I like to use the word Penny, I’m going to continue to use the word Penny throughout this podcast. And you’ll know just what I’m talking about. That is and just to give the clear definition, it is performing a delightful activity for your husband in marital intimacy, and specifically allowing him to come to orgasm using your hand and mouth. So here’s the deal. I want to talk to you about why Penny should be in your marriage. Now I have a blog post. I’ll link up in the show notes as well. It’s 10 reasons why oral sex should be part of your marriage. But I want to just tell you, a couple of them so you can kind of get your mind around why Penny is so good for you too. Now, here’s the here’s the first thing. It’s Biblical. Yep. Believe it or not. Penny is in the Bible. Yes, ma’am. So it’s song Solomon’s two three. I’m just gonna read that to you. Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my beloved among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade and his fruit is sweet to my taste. Yes, ma’am. There it is. Now if you’re like well, that’s that you know, she’s talking about gardens and and fruit that has nothing to do with your your husband’s genitalia. Oh, my goodness. But the truth is saya experts agree that fruit is actually talking about testicles. And the tree is talking about his members. So recognize that this wonderful wife song of Solomon’s, you know, this beautiful poetry that we get to enjoy learning more about sexuality. They’re talking about penny. That’s what she’s talking about. She’s saying she did Lights in sitting under the shade of his tree. That means she enjoys being around that area. She enjoys and delights in his fruit. She enjoys this very special area of your Husband, husband of her. Sorry, she doesn’t enjoy your let’s clarify that she enjoys her husband. So here, here’s, that’s the first. The first is God made it and he made it good. When he made Adam and Eve and said, Be fruitful multiply. I’ve told you this on other podcasts. But he said it’s good. Go and be fruitful and multiply. He didn’t have any rules. That’s the thing I want to really drive home is when God made sex, he did not make rules around it. The very first thing was it is good man and wife to be intimate and to create children in this beautiful, intimate way is good. There’s so many more things I could go into. The one I want to just say is oral sex is part of your intimacy in marriage. So intimacy and knowing each other know in the Bible, it says the word Jada, right to know, to know each other. Adam knew his wife and they begat Cain and Abel. It’s always they knew each other. It’s that knowledge of each other. So this is a holy thing. And like I said, God did not put rules he did not say now only penetration, no oral no other flavors. It’s just this specific thing. I’m blessing. That’s not it. God said it is good. And if you read the song of Solomon’s, which I really encourage, you will see many different flavors exhibited in a Song of Solomon. It’s a beautiful, beautiful understanding of what sex really means. So that’s the first thing God approves. He approves, he made it he loves that you all have a chance to love each other, the same way that he loves us. Yes, I am saying that he loves us that deeply that intimately. Every part now that’s what I want to teach you about understanding your husband, he might be able to hear my my itty bitty two month old in the background, he’s he’s laughing in his bed. But anyway, my husband will, will check on him. Now, here’s something that’s interesting talking about my son, right? I got two boys and well, three boys, including my husband. So I live in the house of boys. And the interesting thing is, even from

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very, very young, they start to discover how sensitive that area is, they start to understand that member a little bit, and they start to explore, all men grow up learning about this wonderfully sensitive part of his body, and it becomes something very important to him. So it starts out just beginning to explore how sensitive it is, from infancy basically, and, you know, slowly becomes more important and especially get to high school when you’ve got to wear a cup to make sure you’re protected and in high school, gym class or whatever. And then there’s, you know, every now and then where you accidentally get some, someone gets kneed in the groin, you know, the poor boys have had so much experience with this member. It’s not nor it’s not like everything else on his body. There’s something very special about this. And this is really the sense of his manhood. Without that, I mean, that’s what kind of defines him as a man. So when you are loving your husband in Penny, you are giving him pleasure. That’s much more important than a neck massage or something which Nick massages are great. They’re nice, but you’re not identifying and honoring his maleness as Penny does, you’re actually telling him, I love you, I love you, I will take the time to understand how you work, and what makes you feel good, and how to give you visual stimuli that really enhances your enjoyment. You know, if you’ve listened to any of the podcasts so far and read books about Christian sex and that kind of thing, you understand that men have a very, very strong association with sex and love. It’s not just physical for him. It is love. It’s emotional. Sex is emotional for your husband and Penny really touches on their emotions, those emotions and a beautiful, beautiful way. When you are engaging in this intimate exchange with me recognize that this is something that means huge things to his heart. I mean, you know, it’s gonna be goosebumps to really talk about it because as a wife, things that make us feel great like receiving flowers and having intimate conversations where we’re encouraged and being touched and given a hug when we’re crying. I mean, those are things that speak to our heart. Sex speaks to our heart to for sure. Bye I believe it’s a to a different degree to men and especially Penny, it’s something that you are able to tell your husband, everything’s okay. Tell him that you love him, you know, tell him that it’s gonna be fine. And you know, there’s a chemical release, you get this oxytocin overflow in his in his bloodstream, it’s just a wonderful part of life. And I just want to encourage you, wife, if you haven’t gotten a chance to experience with your husband, or maybe you’ve kind of done it begrudgingly, I just want to encourage you recognize how important this is to him. This is like nothing else you could do for him. It is something very unique, very special. Now, the most important thing, or one of the most important things to remember about this is your husband is unique. So you’ll need to talk to him about what he thinks probably 99% of men enjoy Penny. And some Actually, many of them even more than a penetration for an enthusiastic wife to willingly and delightedly do this for her husband is one of the best pleasures that he can experience. Now I have a friend, funny enough that her husband does not enjoy this experience. So you’ll definitely need to talk to your husband to just find out, if he has mentioned it once or twice a night.

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It’s something that you’ll want to really consider. So that’s that’s, that’s the first point is getting your your heart right about this, that this is something that’s good. This is something that’s really good. And you have the opportunity to just induce so much joy and comfort to your husband, just the same way again, you know, when you’re upset and crying, and you really need him there to support you and hug you and give you that assurance that it’s going to be okay. I mean, that is what we’re talking about for your husband, you can do that to him. That is what we’re talking about. Okay, so I want to just move on to the next point that I wanted to make. Yeah, the last point is, it’s fun. That’s the thing about penny is it’s fun. It’s not a job. It’s not a drudgery, it is a delight, that you enjoy this opportunity to give your husband such pleasure. It’s not a favor. You are not doing him a favor by giving this to him. No, you want to you want to please Him, you want to engage in this wonderful practice in your marriage. This is not something that we’re going to hold over his head, this is not something that you’re going to bring up later and say, Well, I did that a lot of Canada. No, no, no, that is the wrong wrong attitude. And if that’s been your attitude for the last month, or the last year or the last 20 years, it’s time to apologize, because you didn’t understand how important this was to your husband. So I really encourage you be take take a piece of humble pie and say, Honey, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I did not know. And I want you to know also why if I don’t want to be so hard on you recognize that the reason one is ignorance, that’s that’s a very common reason, right? The other is embarrassment, not understanding how to do this thing that you know, it’s not just putting your mouth on it, and all of a sudden, boom, we’re done. It’s it’s actually I mean, there’s a step by step system to kind of get this going. thing is that if you’ve had a bad attitude, but he has orgasms, maybe even consistently, I just want you to know that even when a husband is turned on, even when he orgasms, it does not mean necessarily that his heart is encouraged. So for example, if you’re begrudgingly engaging in sex or baggage, I don’t even know how to say that word but grudgingly engaging in Penny, your husband recognizes that. Just because he’s turned on doesn’t mean his emotions are totally gone. In fact, you’ll learn that, that it’s actually a very important part of this experience is that his emotions are engaged and understood. So recognize that, you know, if you have made mistakes, it’s okay, girlfriend, it is okay. I’m just proud of you that you’re taking the time to listen to such a steamy topic and understand it better. Because that’s, that’s the opportunity you have here is to understand it and make it a joy and delight to your to your whole marriage bed. So if you’ve made mistakes, it’s okay. It’s okay. It’s just time to take responsibility and say, You know what, I’m a big girl. I’m going to put my big girl pants on. I’m going to apologize to him. I’m sorry, I didn’t know. And I’m going to try to do better. That’s it. That’s all you can do. And if your husband did the same thing to you recognize that you would want him to apologize. You wouldn’t want him to pretend like it never happened. You wouldn’t want him to sweep it under the rug. You would want him to own it up and say I’m going to do better. And I’m sorry I did this to you. That’s it. So moving on from that, I just want to encourage you to do that tonight. And in fact, this is the last part. Here’s the reason I think oral sex is not talked about enough in Christian circles. The reason is, is because there’s mixed company listening. That’s honestly it. Now this podcast, you know, is for wives. So I’m sorry, if there’s some men mixed in there. The good thing is that, well, I’m not really sorry, the good thing is, you’re gonna learn a lot about your wife and how she thinks, because I’m helping wives. But here’s the thing, I don’t want to talk to men very specifically about how to Penny that’s just not appropriate.

25:35
I don’t, I don’t think I don’t want them involved. So here’s the deal, I want to invite you on a very special webinar that I’m going to have in the next two weeks. So I want to give you specifics. You know, I wrote a whole book notice and course, but I want to give you just things that you can start to implement in your marriage. immediately, immediately, I’m going to talk about the four stages of his best oral orgasm, I’m going to talk about very specific strategies that you can implement, and more importantly, the mindset. I touched on some of those already. But I want to go in deep. And I also, like I said, just want to be talking to wives. So sorry, guys, you’re not invited. But feel free to encourage your wife to do it. And wives that are listening. If you are not sure if they are if you’re not sure if you’d like to attend, let’s just just do this one thing for me. And I’m going to ask you on the webinar, so I’ll help you usually do it. And you’ll have a response to share, because I’d love to hear what you say, but ask him this. Honey, would you like me to learn more about oral sex? That’s all just ask him just find out, just find out honestly, what he thinks. All right, and join me on that webinar. Here’s, here’s how to get signed up is delight your marriage.com/fourteen can sign up for the webinar. Again, it’s totally free. And, and I’m going to be there live, and it’s not going to be recorded. That’s the other thing. I’m not going to record it. Like I said, I don’t want this information to really get in the wrong context. The right context is marriage in the right context is when wives can teach other wives how to love their husband, right? Just as Titus two four says, so I’d encourage you to come I’d love to have you, I’d love to talk directly to you and hear your responses. Okay, so I’m going to see you on this webinar, delete your marriage.com/fourteen. Now, if you’re in the future, I’m sorry, you missed it. The cool thing is, if you go to that website, I’ll have an updated link there. So if if I do decide to do more webinars, if I get enough good feedback about this one, I’ll let you know. And I’ll, I’ll invite you to that one. Thank you so much for sticking with me. And I just want to encourage you go right ahead, take the first step, start to realize that God blessed this part of your marriage, this part of your intimacy, Penny is good. Penny is fun. You will enjoy Penny and join me on this webinar, I’m gonna really go through some some good specifics that I believe will really help you. Write your back, how did it go? Was it was it as terrible as he thought it might be? I know, I scared you in the beginning. But I’m glad you listened through. Listen, if this helped you, if this was some kind of support to you, please send it to a friend that maybe you’ve talked about this subject before. Or maybe you never have. And this would be a good starting place. The other thing I would encourage you to do is find a time where it’s just you and your husband and say, Honey, would you mind if we just listened to this together? I’d really love your insights and just open up the conversation with him. You know, so that he has an opportunity to tell you what he thinks it’s obviously his body. He’s the one that could tell you the best. So please go ahead and do that. And let me know. Again, I’d love to have you on the webinar. And we’ll talk more they’re looking forward to actually hearing from you live on that on that event. Okay, God bless you. I love you and I’m praying for you. Thank God we just encourage you in your intimacy, in your marriage in your life and most of all, most importantly, in your walk with him. I’ll see you soon. Okay.

29:07
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion.

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Does sex feel like a duty? 

•  When he asks to make love, I believe that he’s actually doing a really brave thing. He could be afraid of rejection and is actually insecure about it. 
• What if you have the opportunity to bring out your husband’s generosity by being compassionate about his sexuality?

As a side: Dear husbands, If you want your wife to work with me, I encourage you to take the first step in transforming your marriage. By doing this, she’ll be receptive to transforming herself as well. 

Wives, I want you to know that if your opinion of sex is that it’s a chore or a duty, it’s probably hurting your spouse’s feelings. AND sex has to start with having an open heart and a good perspective. Otherwise it doesn’t feel like making love, it feels like you value it as much as washing the dishes.

What if you can go to a place of:

• Joy, fun and excitement
• To the point that you physically crave sex

I want you to get there. Listen in for encouragement and new perspectives and tools to make love rather than do your duty.

 If you want to work with me to have the heart and a body (!) that craves sex, go to www.dym.as.me . You’ll have 40 minutes of my undivided attention for FREE (a $500 value) so we can talk about your marriage. 

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah rose.

0:19
Ivey there Welcome, welcome. This is belah rose, thank you for joining me, I want to speak to the wives and really focusing on an issue that I hear over and over and over again, when I speak and work with husbands. One of the big things that they tell me about is that their wives treat sex like a duty, or chore. So, essentially, if I could speak to their wives, and sometimes actually, it’s really cool, I’ll work with the husbands and after working with the husband, like kind of catch up with the wives and say, How do you think it went? Like, what was your opinion of this, you know, the season that I worked with the husband, and, and then I have the opportunity, then start working with the wife, because it’s such a great connection afterwards. So it’s, it works out really, really well. So let that be listened to you has been if you want your wife to work with me, I encourage you to take the first step of you changing by working with me. And then by God’s grace, she’ll decide that, you know, she can be receptive to transforming herself as well. But let me just tell you what I wish I could say to the wives that may not be at a spot where they are receptive to, like I said, more one on one attention. So let me say this, this is kind of a, what do they call those open letters to the wives that feel like sex is a chore? I want you to know that your husband is a very sweet man. And you might roll your eyes and be like, No, he’s not. There’s all sorts of men in this world, I’ll tell you. But the coolest thing is, I get to be on the inside of the way they think week after week, we talk about what’s really going on in their hearts, how they’re feeling. They send me their accountability forums and how things went that week. And you know, and so often they’re, they just are so affected by their why’s her words, her actions, what she did or didn’t do. And as wives we seem to think that, Oh, he’s a man, he doesn’t have strong feelings. Well, the truth is, he may never show you those feelings. Because in our society or culture, the only feelings a man is supposed to show is anger. That’s, that’s really the only acceptable sorry, that’s what I need to say. The only acceptable feeling that he can show is anger. So it takes a very brave man to be able to show anything else. The other thing is there’s something called HSP highly sensitive person. Now, this essentially means that you have extra sensitivities that other people really don’t have, they don’t experience life the same way that you do. So let me just list them off to you. As examples. There are more and you don’t have to be all of these. But you could even just be some, and you’d still be considered highly sensitive. But here are some questions just to be thinking about number one, are you easily overwhelmed by such things as bright lights strong smells coarse fabrics or sirens nearby? Number two, do you get rattled when you have a lot to do in a short amount of time? Number three, do you make a point of avoiding violent movies or TV shows? Number four? Do you need to withdraw during busy days into bed or a darkened room? Or some other place where you can have privacy and relief from the situation? Number five, do you make it a high priority to arrange your life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations? Number six, do you notice or enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes? Sounds or works of art?

4:15
Number seven Do you have rich and complex inner life? Number eight when you were a child did your parents or teachers see you as sensitive or shy? A few more things that I I was reading off the list just now but there’s some other other things that other research talks about of like maybe your your pain threshold is low. Another one is conflict is really really difficult to you. Another one is any kind of criticism is like a dagger to your heart. I mean, these are the kinds of things that highly sensitive people go through. And this can be men or women. And I think it’s really important for you to recognize in yourself if you’re highly sensitive and I think it’s also really important for you to recognize if it’s your wife, and 20% of the population are highly sensitive, I, myself am a highly sensitive person. And it really helps me to recognize that I might be really affected by a certain situation, whereas the other person in the situation, they just aren’t. And it’s not because they have a better grasp of reality than I do. Or, you know, they’re stronger, in any way, shape, or form. What it is, is that I’m more sensitive. And that’s actually a good thing. Because I can pick up on subtleties. If you’re highly sensitive, there’s an intuition that also goes along with it, there’s often you can sense tension in a room, you can sense the ways people are feeling about things, a lot of times, highly sensitive people might go into the helping professions, because once again, they have the sensitivity, the empathy, the ability to get in the other person’s shoes and kind of perceive how they’re feeling uncertain ways. There’s, there’s lots of really good things about highly sensitive people. Maybe it’s creativity, and romantic romanticism, no, I guess you just call it being romantic. I mean, these are kinds of things that are really important to recognize, maybe your husband is highly sensitive, maybe that’s the reason he is especially romantic, or it really affects him when you reject him sexually. He may just be wired in this way. And it’s a godly, manly, masculine trait. I mean, Jesus was moved by compassion. And that’s why he did miracles over and over again. You know, there’s this beautiful passage. I think it’s an Luke. Let’s see if I can find it real quick. Yeah, it’s Luke, starting with verse 11. Soon afterwards, he went to a town called me and his disciples and a great crowd went with him. As he drew nearer to the gate of the town, behold, a man who had died, was being carried out, the only son of his mother, and she was a widow. And a considerable crowd from the town was with her. And when the Lord saw her, he had compassion on her. And he said to her, Do not weep. Then he came up and touch the bearer, and the bearer stood still. And he said, Young man, I say to you arise, and the dead man sat up, and began to speak. And Jesus gave him to his mother. Fear sees them all, and they glorified God, saying, A great prophet has risen among us. And God has visited his people. And this report about Him spread through the whole of Judea in all the surrounding country. You know, I think that’s so powerful, because God was glorified. Right? Because ultimately, this man was raised from the dead, which was incredible to everyone. And fear sees them all, and they recognize Jesus was the Christ. It’s incredible, incredible. That the reason Jesus did it was because he saw a woman crying, and he had compassion on her. He had compassion on her. So I want you to know that Jesus was sensitive. I mean, he was the man in every way, shape and form. He was the manliest of men. He was a carpenter in the days where there were no cranes, and yet they built houses. I mean, there were no forklifts, and yet you had to still, you know, no bulldozers, and yet you still had to build foundations of buildings. Right? He was a carpenter. He was a strong manly man. And yet his compassion and his sensitivity for the hearts of others were dramatic. He had that sensitivity as well. So he was everything. Right, but I want a wife listening that your husband.

9:18
I mean, I, I find over and over and over again, even for the men that are not highly sensitive in my programs that I work with. They get hurt when their wives rejected, they’re hurt when their wives refuse to touch their member. They’re hurt when their wives are unengaged, or their wives act like this is a chore. Or I have to do this again. It hurts their feelings. He is not the jerk from the R rated movie that takes a woman in a you know, it was kind of oppressive to her. He’s not the jerk in our society that doesn’t respect women. He’s your loving husband, who’s insecure. Assume that your husband is insecure. He doesn’t want you to know using secure. But when you start to assume he’s insecure, it gives you a bigger, I think Grace and better Grace about interacting with his sexuality. He’s not this impenetrable being, if you assume he’s insecure, then you can be more generous with him, you can surmount your own insecurities, because he’s also insecure. Every time he asks to make love or intimates, that’s what he’s trying to do or moves towards you or any of those things. He’s insecure about it, because he’s showing you his heart. He wants to feel loved through sex. That’s what he’s doing. He’s not doing it because he wants you to feel used. He’s not, he’s doing it, because this is something that’s really special for him. It’s really powerful. It makes them feel loved, it makes him feel happy about life, makes them feel like a man. That’s what he wants, he wants to be more about the work of the Kingdom. But if he’s constantly flooded with temptation, he’s not able to focus I hear that from men a lot. Like, they talk about the consuming thoughts about sex in their mind, that they’re not able to do their job well, or their stress levels are high, or these kinds of things, because they’re wise, or just either they’re not making love at all, or when they do make love, it’s very, half hearted and almost like, full of guilt for the husband, because it feels like she’s making her do something she doesn’t want to do. So I want to just point out that she’s insecure. And I also because husbands listen to this podcast is important for you to know, she’s insecure, too. And when she doesn’t approach you for sex in a confident way, when she says in a very casual way, so are we going to make love tonight, or you know, almost in a mean way even? Like, so you want to make love or you still want to make love tonight are, you know, those kinds of things? Are you she calls it things like sex and, you know, for it just makes it feel so detached from her actually wanting it. You know, those things may hurt your feelings. But I also want you to know that a lot of times women do that because they’re insecure, and they’re scared, like, what if they do something wrong? Or what if they don’t know how to seduce you in a way that you’re actually going to like, or maybe the reason they don’t touch you intimately around your member and through your clothes throughout the day, or all those kinds of things? Is because she’s insecure, she doesn’t know if it’s okay, she doesn’t know if you’re gonna like it. And half the time you don’t comment about after she does something that you really like. So how is she ever going to know that you liked it? So yeah, so once again, for women to understand. You may feel like sex is a chore, sex is a duty. But I want you to know that it affects your husband. It affects him that that’s your opinion of sex. That hurts his feelings. He’s sensitive. You know, even if he’s not highly sensitive, like I just described, how it matters to him hurts. That hurts when he doesn’t want to do that when you don’t want to do those things. And maybe he’s to a level of resentments. But it started out just as plain old, hurt, disappointment. Maybe the resentment has come through the years and the bitterness that’s occurred. But

14:03
yeah, so I want to encourage you, there’s much more to sex than just saying, Okay, well, now I want to love my husband. So now I’m going to do it with more open hearts. And I have a better perspective on it, of it. That’s good. And that’s great. And that’s where I want you to start now. So that’s the beginning place. That’s not the ending place. But that’s the beginning. So yes, start to pursue sex, start to pursue unearthing your own insecurities, or your own obstacles that are holding you back from really having the freedom, the frequency and the variety and sex that your husband craves. Start doing that now. Maybe for his sake because you want him to feel loved. Don’t stop there. Because after that you can get to a place of pleasure and joy and fun and excitement and a physical craving for sex. But yes, start With at least the idea that this is going to be a really important thing for his heart, and to make him feel loved and able to pursue what God wants him to pursue in this life, even if right now it’s just to do his job. Well, maybe right now, it’s not that he is like a pastor, some great, you know, preacher that needs to be, you know, filled up so he can do the ministry. But listen, wherever he is right now, spiritually, when he has his sexual desires met and overflowing, he is then has the mental capacity and the emotional capacity to then get to the next level with God. Because right now, his mind very well may be consumed with, okay, when are we going to make love I mean, literally, men have told me that they go into panic mode, even right after they make love to their wives, they go into panic mode, because they’re not sure when it’s going to happen again. You and me as wives are probably like, That is ridiculous. Get your mind out of just sex. But that’s not the way God nature husband. He has about 11 erections every day, he wakes up with one every single morning, it is natural, it’s the way God made him, it’s a good thing. And he embraces you in all your particularities as a woman, if he doesn’t, he will, as you are continuing to share and give generously and sexual fulfillment. But he should be embracing you in all the ways as a woman, and you want to embrace Him in all the ways that he is as a man. So I invite you to not judge him for the ways that God made him sexually. And instead, embrace that and seek how you can fulfill that. So then he can go then to the next level, in his relationship with God, so that he can go to the next level. So that’s not an IT something in the way standing in the way. In fact, it will attract him, it will invite him it will draw him closer to Jesus, because of your generosity because of your love. That’s what you want him to feel incredible, incredible love in your marriage. And that will have drawn closer to God. It will. Awesome. Okay, well, thank you so much for listening. And I look forward to our conversation next week. If you are looking to see how you can work with me, to really move yourself into a place of actually not just having the heart, but the the body that crave sex, as as well as the competence, the understandings underneath what to actually do practically go to www.dym.as.me, we’ll get on a free call where I will chat with you about your story, 40 minutes of my undivided attention, which is about a $500 value, actually. And we’ll get to deciding if this might be the right fit to actually move you into the direction. You want to go and get you there. So by God’s grace, let me go ahead and pray for us and let you go. Lord, thank you so much for the wife on the other end of this line, Father, whatever she needed to hear from us, whatever nugget whatever truth, you wanted her to pick up God, I pray, that’s what she would do this this day. Lord, I ask Father for changed hearts. Lord, God change her heart. Lord, I asked for the heart of stone. And honestly,

18:29
the scarred heart, the heart that has been scarred and hurt on her own side, that he hurt her. In this area, God and I asked for healing. I asked for tenderness again. And I don’t mean tenderness so that he can hurt her again, but tenderness so that she can understand where he’s coming from. And yeah, maybe he responded and reacted to his pain in the absolute wrong way, which hurt her and caused this discord between them that hasn’t been healed even for maybe decades. But God I pray in Jesus name that today would give her a slice of insight that would show her there’s so much more. And there’s more that she may need to be humble and recognize her errors and things she didn’t know. It might just be She was raised in a place of ignorance, and no one talked about it and no one gave her insight and so she assumed that the oppression of women all over our culture and maybe that she’s experienced and trauma and all these things, and she put that on her husband and so they came to his marriage unhealthily and hurting each other. But I pray God, this would be a moment of healing at a moment of growth in a moment of opening her eyes and and given her wisdom to know next steps I pray in Jesus name. Thank you Awesome. I’ll talk to you next week. Thank you so much for joining.

20:05
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion

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First and foremost, I’m so glad you’re planning for sex. Many people let this HIGH priority slip away from their marriage. And they wonder why their marriage turns into a disaster.

I am GRATEFUL if you are one who puts it on your calendar–it means you DO prioritize it!

So, I’m now encouraging you to go the next step and make it sexy. So often I hear from husbands that they make love the exact same way every single time they make love. And “it’s even on the calendar!”

Well, 1st- the good news is you’re making love (!!) and 2nd- ladies, we can plan sex (just not let him in on it!) Listen in for inspiring ideas on how and why to spice things up and how you can plan sex without making him feel like a To Do List item! Aka…plan it sexily!

How EXACTLY do other people even plan for sex? Planning for sex can look different for many people:

• You can plan for sex in other physical aspects

(If you’re too full from dinner, you might be too sleepy for sex!)

• You can plan for sex emotionally 

(are you emotionally prepared to plan sex?)

—

But planning for sex with a “grin and bear it” mindset isn’t good. It would be awesome if you planned sex with a heart filled with joy and excitement. So how do you plan sex with THAT kind of mindset?

Well, here’s a story.

My husband surprised me with something special on our anniversary: a sunset cruise. 

He made sure that the house was clean, the kids had a babysitter, he had flowers everywhere. Well he got the idea from SOMEONE ELSE. Was I mad that he got the idea from someone else? Of course not.

That’s the same with you planning sex. Don’t feel like you’re not being truthful or being a phony when you plan sex. The important thing is the experience you’ll both be having, not HOW you got there. 

How open should you be to your husband when it comes to planning sex? It depends on where you are in your marriage, emotionally speaking. 

He craves you more when you feel good about having sex. But making love is also about you; your own joy and fulfillment. 

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah rose.

0:20
All righty, welcome. Welcome. This is belah. Rose. Thank you, thank you for joining. So, I wanted to talk about planning sex, sexily. Because I work with men, so often they’re afraid is, you know, belah it’s like we have sex the exact same way, the exact same time. And we even plan it, it is literally in our schedules. And I want to say, honestly, scheduling sex is a heck of a lot better than it not happening. And that’s often what I tell the husband. So, you know, point one, be grateful. But point two, I want to encourage you, dear wife, that, yes, planning may be your strength, that may be the way you make sure your life happens. And I so appreciate that. And encourage that. I think it’s wonderful to do that. Because clearly you’re prioritizing your sex life. If you’re making sure there’s a plan around it. There’s that quote, Those who fail to plan, plan to fail, right or another one is from Larry Winget. She’s a funny guy. But he says nobody planned to be fat, lazy and dumb. But that’s just what happened because they didn’t plan something like that. So the point is that, yes, planning is important. Don’t let your sex life escape your plan, you know, because a lot of times, we’ll just think that it’s not that big of a deal. So we won’t plan for it. And then it just won’t happen, because life will get in the way. With that in mind, I encourage you not to include your husband in the planning of the lovemaking. So yes, my dear wife, if sex is not like an immediate thing that’s on your mind all the time, and it’s going to be easy for you to just put the pieces in place, if that’s the way you thrive through a plan, definitely plan when you all are going to be making love. Don’t tell your husband about it. Just don’t. He wants a wife who’s spontaneously thinking about sex. Now, what does that mean, when I say you’re not telling your husband about am I telling him you to lie to your husband or be sneaky about it? I’m not, but I am saying that a heck of a lot of being sexy, is being mysterious, right? You don’t want him to know about a lot of things that happen on the inside of you around sex a lot, for example. And you don’t have issues with it, for example. So I’m going to give you some examples that you’re going to be saying in your head, obviously, I don’t want him to know about these things. But a lot of times we think more like we’re nervous about him being aware, or whether or not he should be aware of other processes in our mind. So for example, we would never want him to be aware of how we clean ourselves or if and the details about our cycles a lot of times or we wouldn’t want him to be aware of the ways in which we fit or don’t fit in certain clothing or you know, the way certain food the bloating and gases SNESs I mean, there’s just a lot of things that are like I absolutely, this is unsexy. And intuitively you know that and so you really wouldn’t want your husband to know those things. So with that in mind, I want you to put everything that you share with your husband under that kind of microscope.

4:36
of you know, is this sexy? Now, it doesn’t mean that I don’t want you to share your life with him. Absolutely. Help him. You want to invite all of those things into him. So if you have you know, medical stuff going on, don’t feel like this something you need to hide from him, necessarily but when you’re pursuing making love that’s not the time To be bringing up, Oh, I feel gassy. Like, oh, that’s not sexy. But yeah, in a non sexual context, yeah, absolutely. He’s the closest safest person in the world, you definitely should be speaking to him about all those things, you know, given that he’s the closest and safest person in the world, if he’s not, then that’s something we need to be working towards. But that’s the assumption here is that he is safe, and he is good to you. And those things are already in place. So yeah, so plan your sex life, but planet in a sexy way. So let’s say Tuesday at noon, maybe right, when you come home from work is a good time to make love, because let’s say, maybe you need like, half out half an hour for downtime, maybe you need to take a shower, maybe that’ll help you to kind of get the kids situated, give them hugs and kisses, put them in the, you know, the other room, put on a movie for them, so that you just have a good space to make love separate from them and the rest of your lives. But then also, what that does is it helps you to have plenty of energy, that you’re not, you know, coming with, you know, the very end of the day where you’re completely tired. And then you’re expecting yourself to like, have all this energy to seduce him with a sexual dance and all these things, because you’re just not going to be feeling it. And he can tell when you’re not feeling it. So I would encourage you to check in with yourself, when is going to be a good time for you to make love, when are you going to be into it. And you know yourself, you know your body and planned for that and physically planned for that. And when I say physically, I mean, make sure that you are eating well that day, because so often, we eat poorly. And then we’re in a spot where we physically don’t want to make love because of the way we’re feeling. Maybe we ate too much for dinner. And then after that we’re like physical intimacy seems like the farthest thing away from our minds. So I want to encourage you that this is totally worth you changing your eating habits to make sure that you’re prepared, and you’re excited about intimacy. At the same time, making sure that you’ve got physical activity as part of your regular life. And in any way shape or form, I want you to start doing that and actually making that a priority for you. So whether that’s starting out with 50 Jumping Jacks a day, I don’t care, get something started so that you are physically moving your body. And it doesn’t matter if you are overweight or underweight or the perfect weight or whatever, you need to start getting endorphins moving around your body. And that’s what happens when you physically exercise. And when you strength train, that’s actually pumping additional testosterone in your body, it’s making sure you have healthy levels of testosterone, which is also helping your libido. So planning for sex in other areas of your body is a key part of making sure you have a healthy desire for sex as well.

8:46
Right so you’re gonna make sure that you’re in a spot, energetically and physically where sex is good for you. And then also emotionally, so I don’t want you to be coming to sex with this idea of okay, I’ve got to grin and bear it. I’ve just got to deal with, you know, my husband’s desire. I want you to be coming to it with a place of joy. You know, your husband craves you to be engaged and want him and want to make love to him. He doesn’t want you to be coming to it with this attitude of, well let’s get this over with I’m doing this because I love you while rolling your eyes on the inside. He wants you to come with it to it with a place of joy and excitement and this is going to be fine and I I love making love to you because it makes me feel good too. And so I want you to be thinking about that that this is also for you. This making love is for your joy and your fulfillment and there are many areas of lovemaking that isn’t enjoyable for you. So I want to encourage you in that. Also, the other thing I want to say is one of the reasons you don’t want to tell him about your plan, quote unquote, is because that makes him feel like you’re on. He’s on your to do list. And that’s a very unsexy way to feel. He wants sex to be spontaneous for you, he wants you to think about it and go for it. And it’s just, it naturally crosses your mind. That’s what he wants. And I get that that’s not reality for a lot of women. A lot of women tell me, you know, not once has sex just randomly crossed her mind. She has never just thought, oh, man, I wish I could just roll in the hay. That’s not her idea. Have a fun afternoon. And that just hasn’t been who she is, quote, unquote. But that’s what your husband wants, he wants you to crave him physically. So if that’s not something that you’ve experienced before, that’s fine. That’s okay. You can still go in the way of planning, but it can appear spontaneous. And that doesn’t mean you’re not being honest with your husband. That’s absolutely. Think about your husband. Yeah, taking you on a wonderful date. You know, let’s say he makes sure that he plans everything, and all the details are set. For a, for a wonderful anniversary, I think I might have shared and in a podcast a while back. But my husband surprised me going on a sunset cruise. And he made sure that that house was clean. And the kids had a babysitter and had flowers and every room of the apartment. And it was just beautiful. It was a it was a wonderful, wonderful experience. Now he got the idea from someone else. Someone else that he worked with gave him the idea of the sunset cruise. Now was I mad that he didn’t come up with the idea himself? Or did I think that he was phony or any of those things? Not at all, I thought it was smart. I know that was awesome. Like, shoot, I think husbands should scour blogs to figure out what’s going to be most romantic for their wives. Because the idea is not how he got there, it’s to have the experience to give her that experience. That’s what’s the point. And that’s the same with the wife, it’s not about how you got to the experience, it’s about having the experience. So whatever you need to do to get yourself to have that experience with him, for him to enjoy the experience. That’s what I want you to do. So don’t feel like you’re not being truthful, because you’re not being completely open with him. And once again, if you’ve listened to my podcast, the truth about honesty, I would encourage you to listen to that because openness, and honesty are very different things. And I think there are varying levels of openness, you should be with your spouse, especially depending on what level of

13:31
health your marriages right now. So for example, just to be clear about that, if your marital health, I call it the spectrum of marital health, if you’re, let’s say at a level two out of 10, in terms of the emotional, maybe safety and connection, and unity that you guys have right now, if you’re at a level two, then I would say you should not be very open with your spouse, you should be inserting lots of positive inputs and investments into the marriage, lots and lots of positive, but you should have your expectations low of what to give, to receive back and you shouldn’t be opening your heart to a person that’s not safe to have your heart. Right. So that’s kind of the idea. But then when you are, let’s say, in the upper eight to nine range out of 10 in emotional intimacy, where you’re feeling super connected and super safe and your heart is held, and when your feelings matter, then your level of openness and your level of revealing and exposure of your heart and your feelings can be greater. So that’s something to be thinking about is how open should I be with my heart? Maybe then your expectations can be a little higher. Of I know my husband would respond in this way. But it when it’s low, when you’re when your actual emotional connection is low, you should have low expectations. And that’s actually going to protect your heart. So, so hopefully, that’s going to be helpful to someone out there who’s who’s in a place of hurting right now, and needs to protect their heart. Because when you keep your expectations low, in the short term, you know, then it’s ultimately going to make your marriage stronger as you invest in it. And then as your emotional intimacy and connection grows, then your expectations can grow. And you can feel more open and connected and cherished in your marriage. But in the short term, don’t be open about those things. Because that, that, you know, you shouldn’t have expectation of it being held and cherished and safe. If it hasn’t been that way. For a long time, or at all. Okay, so the next thing I wanted to talk about with planning sexily is about the Well, I wanted to talk more about the spontaneity. So that’s what your husband wants a spontaneous excitement around sex for you with you. But if that’s not what you’re feeling, you can learn how to bring that him that experience, regardless of your feelings around it. Like I said, you would want your husband to scour blogs around romantic ideas, so that he can give you that experience, it doesn’t matter how he comes to it, you want him to give you that experience in the same way. He wants to receive that experience, regardless of whether or not you think it’s you know, especially you know, people are concerned whether or not it’s a genuine feeling. And it’s like listening who who said it had to be this deep, deep seated, original feeling from you, you can get that feeling from some other place, and you just go with it. So let me give you a metaphor. Years ago, when I was in college, I remember a there is like an email chain back and forth between Christian leaders of a group of a Christian group on campus. And we were emailing back and forth about a prayer time that was planned for the Christian group on campus. And one of the guys didn’t want there to be any music. At the prayer time. I was trying to figure out why. And ultimately, it came out that it seemed like he thought that the prayer wasn’t genuine, if there was music there. And I was so confused, because I was like, well, music helps us to focus, it doesn’t mean that music is, is a bad thing. Because it, you know, is kind of a support to prayer, I guess. And that’s one aspect of music. But the other aspect is like music actually helps you to become more like, you know, God and you’re thinking more about him. It’s the beauty that God has created in music. God uses music to speak to people there’s all sorts of reasons to have music and worship. But you don’t need to like white knuckle fist your your prayer life and not have music with it because you think you’re taking the easy way out. And I think that’s the same thing. You don’t need to white knuckle your way to being turned on or having a good sex life. It’s like no, do the, just do something that’s gonna make you have an enjoyable time. So you, as a wife set up your life in a way that makes it enjoyable for you. So what is going to make sex more enjoyable for you plan those things out, have a bedroom that you’re going to enjoy coming into, to make love and have sheets that you’re going to enjoy when you make love in and you know, just have an environment and atmosphere have music for making love. So those are really important and good things. The other thing is as a wife, when or if, but when you do have a desire for lovemaking, go with it. Right then. Don’t let that moment fade away. Like go with it right then when you’re like, oh, yeah, making love, okay. Like go with it. Okay, great. Let’s do it. So, when you have that moment of thinking about it, text your husband and be like, Hey, let’s have a romp in the hay or however, you know, save something fun to him or I can’t wait to see you tonight with a winky face. or, you know, you could say, I’m looking forward to, to having having fun. When I get home, hope you have the kids ready in a movie in the other room or, you know, you could just just make it clear that this is the time in place that we’re going to be making love. So he is prepared, and you don’t have to then have a overt words of like, Would you like, you know, do you want to make love still or those kinds of words where it’s very non exciting around making love? So yeah, just go for it right then. Make a plan, right? When the thought comes to mind, oh, we should make love or I want to make love or any of those things. Go with action. So if you can’t literally do it right, then send a text message, break the ice, make action start the movement towards that happening. Awesome. Well, I hope this has been encouraging of you. And I hope you make love tonight. Today. Get a plan together. Don’t share it with your husband in a practical way but in a sexy way, a seductive way. Let him know that that is what you want to have happen today. All right. God bless. I’ll talk to you soon.

21:28
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

• What does it mean and WHY would you actually do it?
• What if it’s COMPLETELY outside of your personality?
• What to actually do? (Steamy examples!)

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Before we dive in…

I run a men’s course called Masculinity Reclaimed: Be respected, enjoy fierce intimacy and love being married again.

It’s a program which helps you understand how to be an amazing husband so your wife wants to do this kind of stuff. It dramatically transforms  marriages. 

I work with men in this program and interview their wives who started out rating their intimacy as a 3 out of 10 and then they move to a 7 out of 10 or from a 5 out of 10 to a 9 out of 10!  If you want to find out if this is right for you, lets discuss your situation on a call. You can schedule here.

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ALL-DAY seduction is: 

• not normal for me
• I don’t wake up thinking I want to be someone who likes playful touching throughout the day

I thought it was sinful. “Why think about sex the whole day???” was my question.

Well, now I’ve changed my tune. Here’s why…

The reason I do this work:

• I love families
• I love what children have when it’s a safe, loving family
• The desire for intercourse isn’t the motivation. It’s the answer to “how do we make the world safer”? 
• We make better children who have parents who love each other so well that they’re able to live a trauma-free life

God wants children to be raised up in the right, safe, kind environment. And sex is vital to that because that’s how your husband receives love. 

Why do great men of God fall to sexual sin? The sexual sin is great…

• 35% of internet downloads is pornography
• “Sex” is the #1 search term
• Pornography increases marital infidelity rate by more than 300%
• Adultery destroys your soul
• God made him with a strong desire
  • And God gave him that desire; the average man has about 11 erections a day!

So where do we go from here? I’m not saying you’re responsible for his fidelity. But I think you have an opportunity to support him in this really sinful world. 

Have a system of seduction throughout the day:

• Bring up intimacy throughout the day!
• Touch him! 
• Give him a kiss through his clothes — do it any time of the day!
• Always change in front of him
• Tell him “I can’t wait to do more”

Resources:

• Late September, I have a women’s course called The Delighted Wife: Reclaim Your Sexuality Live In Your Womanly Wisdom And Witness Him Cherish You
• If you want to find out if this is the right step for you, go to www.dym.as.me so we can speak 1:1 to see if this is the right fit. No matter what it’s a $500 value but free to podcast listeners and you’ll get amazing free value and clarity so sign up as soon as you can!

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah. Rose.

0:19
All right, welcome. Welcome. I am so glad you are here. Thank you for taking some time out of your day. I know that you have a busy life, and you’ve got lots going on. So I really appreciate the time you’re spending with me. I want to talk about all day seduction. Why this is a great idea for you have oh, it’s not as scary as it may seem? And what to actually do practically? And, honestly, why would you even do it? And what does that mean? Before we dive in there, husbands and wives Listen to me. So I’ve got a bit of a updated intro and outro because I wanted to make it a little male, more male friendly, because they do listen. And if you are a man listening, and you would like your wife to explore this kind of topic more, I encourage you to take the first step yourself. And what I mean by that is I do a men’s course called masculinity reclaimed, be respected, enjoy fierce intimacy and love being married again. And what that ultimately is, is a program, which helps you understand how to be an amazing husbands so that your wife wants to do this kind of stuff. So I work with men in this program. And they come out on the other side, and I basically interview their wives on how they did and we, I’ve spoken to some wives where started out as emotional intimacy and physical intimacy, a three out of 10. And then they moved into like a seven out of 10, another one, five out of 10, they started out, now they’re nine out of 10. So it Trump magically dramatically transforms your marriage. And then what it does is it allows her to really have this Recep receptivity and desire to then see what she can do in your marriage. And so what’s what’s been really cool is I start out working with the husbands. And then I start working with their wives, another spouse, that that husband and wife, they hadn’t made love in a couple of years. And now they’re making love. And in fact, at their most recent vacation, she brought out many different outfits of lingerie, and it’s very cool. I’m working with the wife now. And, and like I said, I started out by working with the husband. And that’s how it works. A lot of times, you’ve got to take the first step. Okay, well, let’s go ahead, Oh, before I switch the subject, if this is something you think you want to explore your husband to find out if this is the right next step for you go to www.dy m.as.me. And you and I can speak one on one and I can perceive and hear your story and see if this would be the right fit, if I can help your situation because I don’t want to take on people that I can’t actually, they’re not in the right situation to actually be helped. And then also, I have a women’s program coming up late September. So if you husband start now in your program, then by the time September comes around, she’ll be super open and excited to take the next step for her. And like I said, I’ve seen that many times. And that’s been a really cool transition for both spouses to Yeah, have a really incredible marriage where both people are inspired and satisfied in the way that they feel loved.

4:10
So I’m a little mad at myself, because I went down a bit of a rabbit trail this morning trying to find statistics and have really the best information for you. But what I want to start out by saying is an all day seduction is not normal for me. That is not my personality. Naturally, quote unquote. I didn’t wake up thinking I wanted to be someone who likes having playful, sexual touching and those kinds of things throughout the day or texting or innuendos like that was not something that I would do, ever, ever. I felt like that was sinful and wrong, and shouldn’t we be having our thoughts consumed by holy and productive things? Why in the world would you be thinking about sex throughout the day? Well, what I do think about a lot is the sadness of, of the world and situations that happen. You know, the reason I do this work is because I love families. And I love what children have when it’s a safe, loving family, when it’s people who genuinely love each other and feel loved by each other, so they can fully love their kids, because they’re filled up in their own life. They’re not in pain on their own, in their own heart. And the sad thing is that I hear from men who’ve been married for 3040 55 years, and they wish their wives would love them sexually. But she never has an even though they have grandkids are they’ve ever been married faithfully for so long. They tell me that if they could do it again, they would not have married her. And it’s simply because of sex. And these men are not monsters. They are not monsters. These men feel loved through intimacy. And I want you to understand that dear wife, that is what’s going on here. And so when you hear of these horrific stories of men of God, falling because of sex, you know, because of infidelity, or they’re soliciting sex from from, you know, young children or prostitutes, or, you know, all of these kinds of things. We hear it all the time. And in a breaks hearts, it breaks families apart. And God wants children raised up in the right, safe kind environment. And sex is vital to that, because that’s how your husband receives love. So that’s what consumes me. You know, the desire for sexual intercourse and the desire for being sexy? That is not or hasn’t been the motivation for me to understand something like an all day seduction, the motivation is, how do we make our life? How do I make our world safer? How do we make our world safer? Well, we make better children that are filled up in their own life, and they’ve been loved by their parents, and there hasn’t been trauma and abuse and all these things, because the parents loved each other so darn well, that they were able to have that freedom and that trauma free life. So these are the kinds of questions I have, you know, why do the great men of God fall to sexual sin? Why are families completely torn apart? Even though they had every motivation to stay and be faithful to each other? And why is pornography so huge? That 35% of internet downloads in the US are related to porn, and almost half of American families said porn use was a problem in their home. And those are only the ones who know about it.

8:44
Pornography use increases marital infidelity rate by more than 300% 56% involve one party having an obsessive interest in porn on pornographic websites and those are of the divorces in the US. People can watch pornography on the Internet, in more is used on mobile devices. But you can even access internet on gaming devices like PlayStation, Xbox and ds. So be aware parents, if you think it’s not happening there it very well could be. Every five minutes a very large pornography website transmits more data than the entire contents of the New York Public Library’s 50 million books that happens every five minutes. One statistic of the pornography industry says it’s a $97 billion industry, which just to put it in perspective, Google’s net income is 30 billion. Amazon is 10 billion Apple is 59 billion. Netflix is 1.2 billion. Now these are all, you know, some people think that the pornography industry is, is 15 billion. So it’s it’s hard to truly know how big it is. And I think also, you know, there’s plenty of plenty of pornography that’s just simply free. And so it’s hard to know what, you know how you, I don’t know how to quantify its impact just by the money that’s being made. Let’s see, sex is the number one topic for internet search engine requests. Can you imagine? How often do you use Google? I mean, people use Google constantly. And to think that the number one topic is the word sex. So yeah, this is shocking, shocking, shocking. And yet, everyone is silent about it, everyone. Oh, my gosh, if you bring up this in, in polite conversation, can you imagine everyone is silent about this? And yet, this is everywhere. It is everywhere. So that’s the kind of questions that consume me. Why, why is this the stuff that’s tearing families apart, where more than 50% of divorces included pornography as an obsessive interest? So these are, these are all just, you know, things and you know, pornography leads also as a part of depression. And just intuitively, you know, it’s just intuitive in people’s experience is that pornography depresses them, like maybe in the moment there’s physical pleasure and excitement and, you know, intrigue and all that stuff. But afterwards, it’s, it’s empty. And there’s no fulfilling connection with it with a human. And that’s not, that’s not fulfilling. Every sexual addiction is not fulfilling. Its soul crushing. I mean, the Bible talks about, that’s what adultery is, it destroys your soul. And so that’s obviously like that. That’s the kind of stuff that it that the Bible tells us over and over again, to not commit adultery, and Jesus says that lusting after someone is committing adultery in your heart. And so you’ve got to be thinking about that. Of Okay, so he needs to stop doing that kind of thing. But what I want to challenge you, my dear wife, is that you have the opportunity to be the seductress yourself, so that you’re seducing his eyes and his mind and his thoughts. And so some women, I think, have this mindset of, well, he shouldn’t always be needing sex, his desire shouldn’t be that high, he’s got a problem. If he wants sex, you know, five times a week or seven times a week, that’s an issue. Well, let me tell you something. His body is always sexual. The average man has about 11 erections every day, and every single one is filling his member with blood. And every single erection is pleasurable. He wants to use it. That’s the nature of how God made him.

13:40
So God made him with a strong desire all day, every day. But your connection for each other, can make sure that that desire connects you to rather than puts a sin or put sin as a barrier between you two. So there’s your why your why is keeping your connection strong so that he doesn’t sin. Now, are you responsible for his fidelity? You’re not? Don’t put that on yourself. But do you have an opportunity to encourage it? Absolutely. It’s kind of like as a woman, is he responsible for your commitment to Jesus? is he responsible for you reading the Bible? is he responsible for you worshiping and praying? Absolutely not. But can he support you by taking care of the kids while you have your morning walk and prayer time with God? Absolutely. There are things he can do to absolutely support your walk. Can he support you by asking questions about you know what your heart’s going through or how you’re feeling and you know, is he responsible for for you To not be sad throughout the day, he’s not responsible for your happiness, but he can support it. He can support it by loving you and cherishing you and taking you out and those kinds of things. But is he responsible for you to have a good life? No. You’re a free woman, you can do your own thing. But he can support it. So the same way for you? Are you responsible for his fidelity? No, he’s his own man. But you can support it, you have a privilege and an honor to do that. So, why do it because of that privilege? Why do it also, why why have seduction as an important part of your daily life throughout your day, not just when the clock strikes, whatever time you start making love till whatever time you stop, to love your husband, because you love him. Because that’s, again, how he feels loved. Another thing is keeping his mind busy with the sexiness in your marriage. Sometimes, you know, my husband was extremely addicted to pornography, when we first met just extremely, very, very extreme addiction. And now, you know, he’s on the internet very late at night, very often. And on his own, you know, I’m sleeping. And, you know, I’ve asked him in the past, like, is that now a temptation, you know, and, you know, it used to be 10, out of 10 temptation, and now it’s, he would say, a one out of 10, you know, maybe two, but generally a one out of 10 temptation. And yet, he hasn’t viewed porn and, you know, since our marriage, and so it keeps, you know, I am able to fulfill him with fiery sexual experiences, and that keeps his mind busy with that sexiness in our marriage. So that’s not what he’s thinking about. That’s not what happens when he’s on a computer late at night. It also keeps your mind in the game of making love. So again, it’s not natural for me to all day long be thinking about sex and what we’re going to do later and all that that’s not a natural thing for me. But what it does do is it when I’m thinking, okay, how can I have a seduce? You know, how can I seduce him? How can I make this playful and sexual? Then it helps me to think about okay, let’s let’s do something tonight, or, you know, how can I do something special in the morning or the or the next day, somehow, some way. It also turns you on as a wife, like, for women.

18:07
I don’t know if it’s most of the time, but probably most of the time women have to commit in their mind before their body responds to feelings of sexual desire. So keep that in mind. You might be one that it all the time, your mind has to commit first, but then your body does respond. But it’s up to you to commit first, it’s up to you to decide, we’re going to make love today and you think about in your head. Don’t say that out loud. Just so you know, it’s very unsexy to be like, okay, when can we schedule in sex? Like, I love the heart behind it, schedule it in on your personal calendar, which is totally fine. But don’t tell him about that. That makes him feel like a chore. And he’s not, you love him. And you want to maybe you’re a very practical person, and you’re like, my life needs to have structure. And so that’s why you do it totally fine. You just don’t have to tell him that. You don’t have to tell him that. And the other thing about an all day seduction, just life as it keeps your connection going. Even if you’re not physically inside of each other. It keeps you connected. It keeps you desiring each other and having that craving for each other. And it actually is a connection. So if you think about when you’re in a public place, if you have whispered something in his ear about later on tonight, why then he is thinking about that and you smile at him a little later. He knows exactly what you’re thinking about. And what that does is like I said there’s a connection there that’s special. There’s a special connection is very different than you mentioning that you’re going to take the kids to soccer that afternoon, that’s that’s not the same as saying, I can’t wait to give you some Penny before. Yeah, before soccer or whatever. So those are the kinds of things that keep you connected. Okay, so I think I’ve given you the why I want to now encourage you what to do. So now my my women’s course, once again, it’s tons and tons of practical what to do. But since this is a public podcast, I don’t necessarily share all of the language that I think you’re free to use, or, yeah, or a lot of the practicals. Because like I said, this can be listened to by the unmarried and plenty of unmarried and people that are looking for people listen. So anyway, here’s what I want to just flat out, say foundationally is, you can be silly. You can be silly in front of the safest person in your life. And if they’re not the safest person, that’s where you should be heading. That’s where you should be going. You should be able to be silly in front of each other, you should take off your armor and be vulnerable and be playful. And get out of your comfort zone. And you can say silly things. And you can feel silly before you feel sexy. How are you going to change you feel silly first, that’s the way it goes. I’m sorry. It’s just excruciating. But that’s the only way. Even now when I do extreme things, sometimes I feel silly first. And afterwards, I might melt in his arms. And, you know, after we’ve had our awesome experience and be like, That was scary. And he’s like, really, you were amazing. And I was like, Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I need that encouragement. So take note husbands if she does, and when she does something that you’re like thrilled about, and it’s brand new for her, give her tons of encouragement. So yeah, what what do you do? What do you do? So this means having a essentially a system of seduction throughout your day, where you

22:35
just consistently bring up intimacy with Him. So there’s plenty of different ways you can do that you can you can touch him. First thing in the morning, touch him on his member, you know, there’s interaction, you can touch him, you can you can touch him while he’s got his clothes on, right? You don’t, doesn’t necessarily even have to be skin on skin. But what it does is it shows him you’re thinking about him, you can give him a kiss through his clothes on his member. And you can do that any time of the day. You can, you can kiss him on the lips and just go all the way down there. And you don’t have to commit to an entire experience. That’s it. Like that’s seduction that. That like runs shivers throughout his whole body and again shows him that you love him. You can tell him I can’t wait to do more. And you just smile and you walk away. That is sexy. And like I said, you do that any time. And another thing make sure you always change in front of him. Always change in front of him. That’s the best. It’s the best. I’ve heard that from so many men like oh, she goes in the other room when when I want her to just change right here. I just want to see her body. And like literally, they’re not married to two supermodels. My husband is not married to a supermodel, but he wants to see my body. You just have to trust you just have to trust that he wants it. Because he does that makes him feel loved. It makes him feel like a man that his wife has this incredible body that he’s naturally interested in. He’s naturally interested in your curves and the beauty of you whether you have saggy boobs or too many roles or jiggle that you don’t like like that’s fine that you think that about your body, your husband doesn’t. Okay, so just recognize this as a gift for him. Now I do want you to get to a place where you don’t think that about your body but right now in faith I need you to start doing some seductive things because you love him. Right and we went through all the other wise you should do this right? The other thing you can always do is, while you’re changing, you can run your fingers up your legs and make it very sexual, you can touch your own body, the way that he wants to touch your body that’s extremely sexy and seductive. And that makes him very excited because he wishes he could touch your body like that. But he’s not. And you’ll give him this I have like, I know you want to do this, but you can’t. So that’s essentially what you’re, again, that’s the seduction, the teasing, the excitement. And that’s not when you’re committing to an experience, right? You’re not committing to his orgasm. By doing that. What you’re doing is exciting him and loving him. It’s just like, when you receive a text message from him that says, I love you, babe, I’m thinking about you. Or, you look so beautiful in that dress or whatever, those those things that really make you feel so special. This is the same kind of thing. You know? So keep that in mind. Um, what other things can you do? You can you can, I mean, it’s just a million, there’s a million things, you can do anything sexual, you can just take a part of that. And you can do it outside of the bedroom. So you can you can be like, Oh, honey, can you come here? For a second? I need your help. And then when he comes in the bedroom, you’ve got a, you know, a thong on and you’re bending over, you’re like, Oh, honey, how does this look? Right? There’s are things you can do all the time. Um, you know, a similar kind of thing you call him in, and you invite him to take your top off. Like, there’s just a million things you can do, there’s so much. And again, I’ve gotten already very practical, but I want you to just it’s It’s the limit is your creativity. It’s not the limit is not anything other than your own creativity. So I want to encourage you, there are tons The sky’s the limit. But I want you to know that all day, all day long. All day long. That’s one thing I do with

27:21
my level two masculine unreclaimed students, I asked them, you know, what would they you know, what would be I narrowed it down to their specific goals. And this is, this is an important goal for men. They, they really crave their wives to, to love them in this way. And it doesn’t mean you’re anything negative at all, it means that you’re this beautiful woman who super confident in her own skin and loves her husband. That’s all that’s what it means. It doesn’t mean you’re, you’re dirty or naughty or negative or sinful. It’s it’s the opposite. It means that you have the right perspective on your marriage, and you want your husband to be fully fulfilled and that he’s not running away to find someone who will do that kind of thing. It’s not, it’s not okay. So I hope this encourages you and inspires you. Keep in mind, late September, I have a woman’s course that we really go through it very specifically. And you’re you’re in the support of other women that are doing it as well. It’s called the delighted wife, reclaim your sexuality live in your womanly wisdom, and he will transform to cherish you again. So I want to invite you into that. But in the meantime, my gosh, start just get started. Alrighty, God bless. And I look forward to speaking to you soon. I’m going to add here that if you’re a wife that wants to do the delighted wife course, you can go to www.dym.as.me You and I will get on a call together, we’ll find out if this is the right fit for you. And if this is going to change your life, and you can check out testimonials on my website, delight your marriage.com/testimonials to see what others have to say and it’s incredible, incredible results. Okay, in the meantime, I want to pray for you. And then we’ll close out. Father, thank you so much for the wife that’s listening on this on this conversation. Father, I ask God that you would serve in her heart better and more than she ever has before God. Maybe she’s heard things like this before, and it just hasn’t sat right with her. She’s felt like it was wrong, dirty or scary or silly or all these things that she is just beyond beyond able to do and I asked God that you would break through just through this conversation, some tiny little word that was said here, God that would that would cause her to want to change and cause her to decide. Her marriage is worth that her husband is worth it. Fidelity in his heart is worth it. Father, gosh, she can support him. And she can like it too. It’s gonna become really fun. From silly to sexy to joyful and playful and fun. And she is creative enough. She is sexy enough. She is attractive enough. You’re the one that gave her her beauty. You’re responsible for it. She’s not. You are her. Let’s see her body is your masterpiece. God, I pray you just put that deep in her heart today. We love you. Thank you for everything you’re doing in her life. Amen.

30:56
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion.

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Do you wish YOU were into sex more?

A lot of things are not mentioned in the Bible:

• Electricity
• Vehicles
• Importance of exercise
• Internet

So much of our daily life is not spoken about in the Bible! And yet we have no problem doing it, every day. In fact, we’d say it was good, though not mentioned in the Bible. 

So, why don’t we have the same view of sex? 

Art isn’t mentioned in the Bible but some like painting, some like sculpture, others like charcoal. As with art, if your spouse would like more variety, that’s okay! If your spouse would like more frequent intimacy, that’s okay!

God can help you with all of this. He can help you physically crave sex. He can help you want to meet your husband’s particular desire for that particular style of “art”. God cares about being a part of your life — and your sex life! In a marriage, a man and a woman are free to want to make love with one another. 

Resources:

If you’re interested about the women’s program to be truly free in the areas of VARIETY, CRAVING SEX and grow in your knowledge of all the HOW-TO’s this coming September, you can go to www.dym.as.me to schedule a call to see if it’s a good fit for you!

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah. Rose.

0:18
All right, so welcome, welcome. This is belah rose. And I’m really excited to chat with you about inviting God into your sex life. Before we dive into that I want to mention now this is a podcast, directed more for women this episode. And essentially, I have a program getting started for women. It’s a group of women meeting weekly to discuss the important things of intimacy. So if this has been a block for you, for a long time, this has been a struggle between you and your husband for a long time. That’s the kind of people that I work with. I’ve worked with therapists who actually work with marriages, in their own practices, I’ve worked with leaders in the marriage field I’ve worked with wives that have been married for decades, and this is still an issue for them. And by God’s grace through this program, they have been able to get so much freedom. And literally, as one, like I said, therapist mentioned, what’s changed in her life. And then in all caps are responses, everything. So God is really good. And I invite you to be thinking about that. And if that’s something you want to learn more about, and see if your situation is the right fit for this coming program, which is late September, you can go to www.dy M dot h s dot m e, u, and I will get on a free clarity call, which is about 40 minutes, and we’ll talk about your story. And we’ll actually go deep into what’s going on. And even if we find out, it doesn’t seem to be the right fit, you’ll be able to have a ton of great clarity on your situation, and essentially what needs to happen next. Alright, well let’s talk about how to invite God into your sex life and what that actually means. So listen to this episode, if you feel unsure, if you’re okay being free sexually. Or if you feel like your husband may be inappropriately obsessed with sex, or you feel like your craving for sex is too low, or too high, or you wish your spouse was more into sex. And that’s often where the husband is coming from. But let me talk about the fact that God gives us the green light for freedom insects. But to begin, I want to invite you to think about the word of God. God gave us a ton of understandings, wisdom and grace, through his words in the Bible. But there are a lot of things about life that are not mentioned, as far as my understanding of the Bible at least. For example, I’ve never seen a passage in the Bible about the importance of exercise. Now we all know now that exercise is very important to a healthy life. And plenty of people around the world find that to be extremely fulfilling to have that is their goal to help people in this area. And they do it every single day.

3:32
But that’s not mentioned in the Bible. Or what about electricity. That’s also not in the Bible, as far as I have ever seen. And yet, that’s what we use every single day to power most of the things that, you know, support our lives, from dishwashers to lights to refrigerators. How about the importance of hygiene, the fact that many of us take showers on daily occasion, or at least several times a week, more than likely, or what about motorized vehicles never seen that, or there’s really not a whole lot on parenting even. And that’s something that happens throughout every single day of your child’s life. I’ve never heard of anything about the internet, and yet most of us do that quite a lot. And I’ve also never heard anything about home decoration and that’s often a pretty big deal about making sure your home looks nice or clean at the very least. Honestly, I haven’t even heard a whole lot about laughter in the Bible. But you know, gosh, most of us laugh most days I would think or what style of music we should like or dislike certain styles of music or even whether or not we should like art or what kinds of art are okay to like. So there’s so much of the human history experience in our culture of everyday life that the Bible doesn’t speak to. And so what I gather from that is that he gave us his word in the midst of a certain culture in a certain time. And he invites us to use the truth in the Bible, in the culture in the place in which we live now. And so the biggest themes in the Bible, they are hugely relevant to our lives today. And the verses I mean, you know, from listening to my podcast, I love the Bible, I love the truth, I love the inspiration and the the power of the Word of God and how much it teaches me and grows me every day. But my point is that the specific application of sex is just not laid out in the Bible, not because we’re not allowed to have electricity, or we shouldn’t drive cars, or the internet is evil. But, of course, if we’re using electricity to kill people, or we’re coveting each other’s cars, or we’re employing the Internet to spread hateful, false witness against others, I think the Bible would definitely disagree with that. So the 10 commandments are clear on, you know, several things to do, like Love the Lord your God, above everyone else, don’t take His name in vain. Or, you know, honor your mother and your father. But, you know, a lot of it is just not what not to do, which leaves a ton of room for what to do. So it’s do not commit adultery, which means do not have sex with anyone other than your spouse. And as Jesus later clarified, don’t lust after anyone, either. But outside of that, there’s, there’s just freedom, it’s just the sky’s the limit, right? So I feel like our churches need to base sex, our sex life on what the Bible prescribes, is very outside of what we ask of the Bible for everything else in our lives. I don’t think it’s a biblical notion to seek the Bible for prescription of how our sex life should look. Because we don’t ask the Bible for that in so many other areas of our lives. In the same way, you know, God shouldn’t also be outside of your sex life. You know, electricity can power, the church building, where people are meeting for worship, or your car can be used to drive warm meals to the homeless, who otherwise wouldn’t eat that night, or your beautiful home can be a comfortable place of rest for people to feel loved and welcome.

7:43
But, you know, I also don’t think it’s bad. Or in fact, I actually think it’s good for music to be a place of joy for you, or art to be released from the stressors of life, or stand up comedy to be a way of experiencing life with a greater sense of peace and fun. So sex can be used and aware in a way where you don’t have to attach a big spiritual lesson to it. The parameters are in place, right and needs to be inside of your marriage. No one outside and imagination or in reality, should be involved. But we’re not going to, you know, say that additional things need to be happening there. So let’s use the example with art. You’re not going to poke anyone in the eye out with your paintbrush. But aside from that, you’ve got a lot of freedom in what you want to paint. And you could use, like I said, you could use guess Jesso, which I’ve just learned about, you could use paint, you could use clay, you could take things out of cardboard together, if that’s what gets you going around art. So sex isn’t all that different. You can use it to drink out every drop of life that God wants you to enjoy. Just like pursuing art in vigor and excitement. You know, I think there’s a reason that we’re especially interested in sex right now is a culture. You know, I don’t know, back then, if it was flashing on billboards of almost naked women all over the place in Jesus time, but I think that’s why it’s more of a thing now in our culture and in our spouses, because men, you know, are the word would be tempted by it all day, every day. Right? So he might have a stronger opinion that he wants more intimacy and frequency and different varieties. But just like, you know, again, I’ll use this example throughout the rest of this podcast of art. If you think about it, like art, you can create art in many different ways, many different styles, many different variations and all Good, even if each are an every medium, you know, God didn’t catalog in the Bible and say clay is good and, and painting is good. And on a canvas is good. And, you know, using cardboard is good paper mache I mean, there’s just every type of art. But we know intuitively like, God doesn’t say that’s wrong, so we’re okay. So I want to move on to the fact that there’s freedom in it. And as long as you’re not doing the wrong stuff, which is adultery, you’ve got, the rest of it is okay, you’re open, the rest is open, it’s like God sectioned off this, you know, he created a barrier, all the rest is just limited on your own creativity and your your comfort level. And, of course, whether or not your spouse is okay with it, and I’m going to speak more to that in just a minute. But I want to say that God is well aware of your sex life, he is well aware of, in the same way, sorry, I’m gonna use this example. Again, in the same way, he’s well aware of your art, or lack thereof. He’s not judging whether or not you’ve met your quota of art. So the difference between art and sex is that you committed to a human, and that human, and the one flesh SNESs between you two is that commitment that you made. So if your spouse is happy with a once a week, in missionary with the lights off, that’s great. And that’s, you know, that’s fine. And that means you’re, you’re, you know, you’re moving forward in the way that your spouse wants you to and all his happy day. But if your spouse would like more variety and playfulness, and are those are also great things. And if the latter is really hard for you, I’m grateful you’re listening to this episode, and in general, my podcast, and God willing, if that’s something you want to pursue more than we can work together more closely on that in one of my programs, or one on one. But I want you to know, right here right now that God cares about being part of your life, and your sex life. Again, this metaphor, if you’re an artist, and you were seeking to get a job in art, you would pray, because you know, God cares. And let’s say you got the job, you would also pray so that God can help you do your best, and even draw others closer to God.

12:45
And let’s say, you were even commissioned to do something extra special, extra unique in the art space. So again, you pray, so God can help you with that, and maybe once again, draw others closer to God through your work. So if you’re married, and your spouse would like more out of your sex life, you can pray because God cares about what’s going on for you. He cares about where you’re going through, and you don’t have to feel like you’re being judged and that you have to do it in your duty and all these things, like God wants to help you. He wants to empower you in those things. So you can ask God, you can pray, this can be a part of your prayer life. And it doesn’t mean that you naturally are not, you know, one who likes sex. But you can ask God to help you with that. You can ask God to help you crave physically, you can ask God to help you have that time and energy, you can ask God to help you be more comfortable with something that your husband likes. You can ask God to awaken and give you more physical sensations. And you know what God may encourage you to to get more wisdom and insight and processes to fulfill that calling, for example, with art, that you might go to art school, you might do an art program, so that you can get that kind of job that may be best. So it may be best for you to grow in sexual, your sexual appetite and your sexual freedoms, so that you can become more free and become more fulfilling in your relationship with your spouse. But don’t think that you’re in this zone that God doesn’t care because it’s supposed to be natural. And if it isn’t natural or comfortable for you, it means it’s wrong for your husband as well. It’s not. That’s his interest, that’s his type and for him to be doing that in a holy way. It has to be in your marriage. And so you get to be a part of that journey for him and becoming Is this really wonderful, wonderful thing for the two of you? So here are some action steps, I want you to take just three. Number one is Journal, the answer to the question, was I putting rules on my sexual relationship with my husband? There outside of God’s rules? Was I or am I putting rules on my sexual relationship with my husband, that are outside of God’s rules. Number two, I want you to start praying for your sex life every day, for the desire for the comfort for the energy for the time, this is a big deal. If your husband loves you through sex, it’s important for you to feel that as well. It’s important for you to pursue that as well, for you to seek God to give you the grace to do that as well. And then I do want you number three, to sign up for a clarity call to see if taking my program is the right next step for you. Again, it’s a free 40 minute call. And even by the end, if it doesn’t feel like the right fit, you’ve at least given you know the time just in case and clarity on what’s deep beneath the surface. So go to www.dy m.as.me. Awesome, well, I hope this has been a great encouragement for you, I’m going to go ahead and pray before we sign off. Father, I thank you for the wife on the other side of this call today or this this microphone today. And I pray, Lord, that you would encourage her to have freedom in her heart in her mind, to know that there’s not rules on this, that in her marriage, she’s free. And God I pray also for her husband, Lord, that You would give him all the fruits of the Spirit that He needs in his life to follow you God but it would also attract her to want to make love that he would take off the pressure by God that she would also respond to that, in wanting to make love and wanting to have the variety that he’s craving. Lord, I pray for that in Jesus name. Lord, we love you. We thank you. And I pray, Lord, that that intimacy would just grow between them, and what would be an opportunity for them to praise you and thank you for your wonderful gift of intimacy in Jesus name.

17:34
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion

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This is our (my husband and I) final conversation about being easygoing, playful and fun together.

It’s a bit of insight into our relationship and we believe it’ll give you some inspiration into where your marriage can go.

I go through the final keys to making your marriage peaceful and walking through life in a state of calm, rather than rushing in a state of stress.

A couple of things you’d be interested to hear…

• how (and why) my husband responds when he’s watching a game (live) and he sees I’m upset. From him.
• why receiving an apology graciously is just as important as making one.
• when you’re more vulnerable, the spouse will be too!
• someone called me the “calmest person I’ve ever met”. I was grateful (and shocked), but this conversation may give a bit of insight into why.

—

If you’d like to get my newly released on paperback Delight Your Husband: The Christian wife’s manual to passion, confidence and oral sex, go here!

If you purchase and then review on Amazon before Sept 1, 2019, you’ll receive free access to a $97 Masterclass!

Download the episode here!

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah. Rose.

0:19
All right, thank you so much for joining. This is belah. Rose. And I’m excited to bring you another episode. This is part three of How to Be easy going, how to transform your marriage. So cool. I was on a clarity call just the other day with a wife. And she was so impressed with our conversation, I felt really grateful that she was willing to share briefly her story and her feelings and where she wants to go. But one thing she said, which I was so amazed at is she said, You are extremely call, you’re probably the calmest person I’ve ever met. She said something along those lines. And I was taken aback, and also extremely grateful, because I’m not sure anyone who knows me well would say that, I don’t know. But I will also say, definitely, that could not be said of me. Years ago, I was very anxious and worried concerned. But I will say that I have grown in this area in a huge way, as a result of my marriage. And calm is the place we want to come into this world with isn’t it, we want to come from a place of being rested, refreshed, rejuvenated, don’t we, that’s when we can do our best work for God. So I encourage you to make your marriage easygoing, peaceful, so that ultimately, you can do the best for God. Before we dive into the part three of that, I want to announce something pretty exciting that in my book, delight your husband, the Christian wife’s manual to passion, confidence, and oral sex is right now on paperback, I’m holding it in my hand, people are already purchasing really exciting, it’s on Amazon, you can get it now. And if you do, go ahead and purchase and write a review on Amazon in the next, I think you’ve got three, I guess it’s four weeks from today, you’ll be having free access to a $97 value masterclass, where you can learn even more. So I encourage you to get on the train, as soon as you can to really learn and master your confidence and your passion. And really, I take you by the hand, I take a wife by the hand to really understand yourself, how you feel about intimacy walking you through that process. And then how he thinks about intimacy, what’s his mind like in this area? And ultimately, how do you apply all of that into what I call penny or oral sex for him because a lot of men, most men actually, like crave that more even than intercourse. And I encourage you, that’s actually a good thing, because it shows that you love him so, so deeply. So pick that up, delight your husband, I’ll have the link in the show notes. It is also on my website under Resources. Awesome, let’s go ahead and dive in on today’s session.

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So we’re at part three of how to be easygoing in your marriage. And if you listen to part two, you’ll hear a lot of the reasons why and why my husband was so kind to share those things. And he has a lot of really good wisdom that I encourage you to go back and listen to. But here’s a few just keys I want to talk about that. I also want, if he doesn’t mind to comment on whatever He hears, and if he feels inspired, he’s welcome to We might have to do part four of this. But here are the things that I wrote that I think are really important. So one thing and you know that my husband and I have kind of been laughing throughout these conversations, because something that’s really important in our marriage is laughter and is playfulness. And you know, Joy is a fruit of the spirit but also the joy of the Lord is our strength. It’s a very important part of life. That I think a lot of times people don’t give enough credence to but don’t take yourself that seriously, you know, life There’s enough suffering and challenge in life, don’t let that be part of your marriage. Let it be fun and fluffy and, and a soft place to land. So here are some things that I think people make mistakes on when they find things that undermine playfulness and safety in their marriage, but they think it’s actually funny. So I want to just give you some guidance on what to take out of your marriage, and what to insert to make it more fun. Because you can only have fun when there’s safety in your marriage. So one thing that takes out the safety a lot of times is sarcasm. You’ve got to be very careful with sarcasm, because you can always be sarcastic. Always. But you know, sarcasm comes with a price a lot of times, you know, certainly there are times that I mean, anytime generally, when somebody is being genuine and opening up, you can sarcastically respond, does that does that invest in the safety of your marriage? No, it takes it out, it makes it so that it’s not safe to open up. So when you recognize that someone’s really revealing their heart, that is not the time to be sarcastic, it’s the time to bite your tongue and meet them in that vulnerability and be there and be present. Don’t be sarcastic and don’t tease. Because that’s very important when they have shown you their underbelly, the soft side of them. That’s not the time to be teasing or sarcastic. Because that’s going to pull you guys farther apart. So you guys can be playful, but not a mean teasing kind of playful. My husband and I play a pickup game of soccer about three times a week now, which is really fun if the weather’s nice. And I recognized we played all all winter long, actually, if you can believe it. These guys are hardcore every now and then I would miss one. But anyway. So the older gentlemen, which there may be like 35 to 60. Yeah, they’re pretty amazing. But they are just kind of, you know, kind and playful with each other. So somebody misses the ball, there’ll be like, ah, gee, gee, how did you miss the ball? You know, they’ll kind of do that. But then I noticed as the summers coming, some of the younger guys are coming. And there were some young guys that were there in the in the winter, but in the in the summer, now there are some new young guys coming. And what I noticed those younger guys doing is, is teasing each other. But in a mean way, like, what are you doing? Don’t be scared of them? Got, you know, how did you do that? Like this just like angry. It’s not, it’s not a friendly kind of way. And there’s lots of curse words. And come on idiot, like, those are the kinds of things they’re saying. And what I noticed it actually changes the whole culture of the soccer game, because instead of like just kind of light hearted

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playfulness, it’s turned into this. Okay, we are really serious about this. And if you don’t get it perfect, you’re going to be trampled on with harsh words. And at least that’s what I sense though I’m especially sensitive, my husband is less sensitive. Anyway, he was kind enough to talk to those young boys. And they have since curbed quite a lot of their language. So anyway. But that’s one thing to be thinking about is, you know, is are your words investing in a positive culture in your marriage? Or is it detracting is it causing things to be less playful and less fun for either of you, because be thinking about, they might be more sensitive to you. And that doesn’t mean you need to call it out and say you need to toughen up, you know, that was no big deal. Instead, you can recognize that’s their strength. Sensitivity is a good thing. Because you’re sensitive, you’re, you’re intuitive, you’re sensitive to the energies in the room, you’re sensitive to somebody else’s feelings. Those are good things, whether you’re a man or a woman being sensitive is good. So keep that in mind. So those are some of the kind of guidelines just to be careful about to invest in the playfulness and the fun in your marriage. So be very careful about sarcasm. Be very careful about teasing and be playful, but not mean. So one of the things that we do in terms of playfulness is I mean, there’s a lot of things that we do playfully but one of the things which is he’s actually much better at it than me but is willing Do well what happened the other day, we were coming back with soccer from soccer, he had the goals in a in like a bag, and I was trying to get in the door. He had the goals in the bag in front of me. So I’m like trying to walk around the goals. And he like, kept putting the goals in front of me. And I think I tried four times, three or four times to get around the goals. But he was he was doing it on purpose. But I thought it was an accident. I was just trying to get around them. So anyway, and then, you know, I left. But those are things like those are experiences that you could get really angry about. But if you choose easy going in your marriage, like that’s actually a fun experience. Even though I’m not as good as it one time he was we were walking, and we’re talking about something and he just keeps moving closer and closer to the wall. As you’re rocking. It was like a wall outside. And yeah, eventually I realized as I like couldn’t walk anymore. Okay, anyway, alright, so then that’s playfulness. The next one is a, allow things not to be perfect in your, in your home and with everything. So in our culture, what regardless of where you live, you’ve got some kind of expectations of what perfection is. And you know, when people come to your house, or you know, when they see your kids wearing certain things, you have an expectation of what what’s perfection in your culture. And what I encourage you to do is be willing to not be perfect, recognize that you and your spouse, have your own culture in your own home. And you can establish whatever culture you want that to be. And so for my husband, he really cares about our kids not wearing perfect things. And for a while, that was really hard for me, because that was a huge value in my mom was for us to really look presentable, no matter where we were. And I think that came from a lot of like, just trying to make sure that even even though we had, you know, challenges financially, she wanted to make sure that we looked like we didn’t. So that was just something for her. So that’s kind of an insecurity for me. But as you know, over the years, I’ve allowed things to not be perfect. And I think that’s really important for you to recognize, because one thing you’re doing when you do that is you’re inspiring others to be more authentic and be more of themselves. Because if you’re pretending to be perfect, then they have the pressure to pretend to be perfect to do Do you see that? Because it it, if you’re if you’ve got all your guards up of perfection, then they feel like they have to put their guards up of perfection. But once you start putting down your guards and start to be more vulnerable, and like, Okay, this is my authentic self, this is who we are, then they feel like they can bring their guards down and they can be who they are. One thing I really like is Jane Goodall’s

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quote that she says what you do matters. Know what you do makes a difference. So what kind of difference will you make? And I think that’s important to be thinking about is that your choices for your family and your home makes a difference to others when they see you and they do see you. So how do you want to inspire them? How do you want to help them, encourage them, empower them or not. And the next thing I wanted to mention was having certain priorities in your money. So we’ve talked about money, just a little bit on the on this series. But I did want to kind of bring it up again, because how you spend your money is really how you’re spending your life. Because money represents the hours that you have invested in receiving money back, right, because those are hours of your life that you’ll never see again. So then if you think about you use that money on a new truck, then those however many hours you spent earning that money, let’s say I’ve you know, I can’t even think of what the right amount would be based on your income. But if you think about how many hours does that represent, and you received a truck in return? Is that an appropriate thing because here you are spending your life on a truck, right? Or is it better to spend those hours in something that’s more important in your life? Instead of working so that you can have truck does that make sense? So be aware that what you’re spending your your money on is actually what you’re spending your life on. It is your life force who what you do with your money is your life. And then one thing for us, that’s really key in our having being easy going, and that was really hard for me to give up, but was giving up the finances. My husband’s in charge of the finances. And I think I’ve said it before on this podcast. But in one of my jobs, I was actually responsible for a million dollar budget. And for me to give up all the spreadsheets and all the budgets and all this stuff to my husband, was very hard. But I will say, in the midst of being responsible for our own finances, I was horrible at it, I was so stressed, it was such a burden. And I didn’t want to make all those decisions and be responsible for the family. And at the same time, my husband felt powerless, he felt like he wasn’t able to, to influence the direction of our, of our family. And he didn’t feel responsible for our family. Because I was making the money decisions, even if we were, quote, kind of doing it together. Really, I was in control. And so it wasn’t until I said, You know what, honey, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t, it’s too much for me. That was when he felt empowered, to go ahead and be fully responsible. And so now, he did a financial class. And we even facilitated the Dave Ramsey, Financial Peace financial class for a while. But he took that, and also, what else and now he does it all. And he budgets and pays it all on time instead of me who didn’t pay things on time. And anyway, so he’s amazing at that. So that’s very important for us, is for him to have that that power, because that was really important. The other thing is, when I think for me as a woman, and Honey, I’ll These are probably the last four points, I haven’t, I’d love for you to, I’d love for you to comment. But for me, and I think this is both for men and women. But when there’s an argument, a brewing, when it feels like there’s some tension, and something that seems to be going on. The first thing I assume, is that it’s me.

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Does that make sense? The first thing that I assume is I am having an internal problem. It’s become a habit, which is really good. Because then when I do feel like there’s something going on, I can remove myself from the situation journal and try to get things a little bit more in perspective when I get things on on a journal and I write by hand what’s going on and how I feel then I can look at it a bit more objectively and have some space for my feelings to then see how to respond and how to respond respectfully. Because one thing that my husband says a lot which maybe he’ll share if you don’t mind when when he’s in a soccer game when he’s watching a game right that’s his passion and his love when he’ll notice that I’m upset What will he

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do you’re upset Yeah, I stopped playing like if you are watching it Yeah. Oh from watching oh okay from from watching something a soccer whatever and I see if she’s upset i i I turned it off. I turned the whatever I’m watching off and because I feel like if if I have it on makes me feel like I don’t want to deal with whatever she’s feeling upset because you know even now we all have disagreements. And you know me my wife he has some disagreements just like everyone else. And yeah, that’s what I do I turn it off. And you know, it’s funny that we have some friends that they say like they you know, nobody interrupt me because I’m watching this just came live. So as like so what are you doing? You’re watching a game and I was like watching a game. But if my wife needs me or whatever, turn that off. I can watch the replay. later on, because I can the good things I can watch later on, because I, I’m not married to that stuff. So I can watch it later on. I don’t, there’s no problem with me. And I can feel I can see the that if he felt uncomfortable that he didn’t know what he didn’t want to hear that, you know? And I said, like, why Oh, my wife is my family. Why would I do such a thing, like, keep it on and just ignore it. Like, basically, I’m let her know that whatever I’m watching is more important than her. Right? Is whatever important. It’s what I’m watching more than her. And if bue husband or wife, you feel this, you know if, if that happens, I’m sure you feel the same way. Because he has something how you’re feeling you want to speak, you want it to be heard. And if that happens, you don’t feel like that and you feel more angry. And in that you can ignore it, you can keep going, we all laugh about, you know, forget about, but that stays there. And the when happens again, the builds up, builds up, you add another thing, another negative stuff about your spouse, right? It keeps life going on again, and it keeps going, you add more stuff. And then there’ll be a time, there will be a time because there will be a time the older thing will come out all that all those words that you wanted to say you will set out loud. And you will not want to sit on currently and respectful Wait, you want to say on the on the opposite way. Because you felt like you haven’t been hurt. And he or she pay attention more to this more than you. And when you’re angry, you will feel this that tension and then you will say those things.

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Yeah, and I love that you said that, because it’s similar to another point to make is that in order to have a peaceful marriage, is you have to forgive each other over and over and over again. I mean, it doesn’t matter how good you are in your marriage, there’s going to be things that your spouse has to forgive you have. And just like you have to forgive your spouse of things. So that’s going to be really, really important. Over and over and over again. You know, what does Jesus say? When Peter said, How many times should we forgive others? Seven times? And Jesus says no, 70 times seven. You know, if Jesus forgives us, what does that mean? How much more are we supposed to give? Forgive others? If we don’t forgive others? How do we expect Jesus to forgive us? And my husband can tell you I’m, I have trouble with that there are times that I still struggle with forgiveness of others, and he has to just remind me, you know, I thought you forgave that person. And I’m like, I thought I did too. And then it’s just a, it’s a, you know, consistent kind of thing to be thinking about, and to be giving over to Jesus. So now that I’m saying that, I’m thinking about the situation again, and I’m thinking about how I need to forgive anyway, so that I’m making a note of so I will come back to that and spend time with Jesus forgiving them and in journaling about that. But the other thing I wanted to mention is also a really key part of your marriage is asking for forgiveness, saying you’re sorry. And receiving the other person’s request for forgiveness. Because if you don’t accept their apology, then you’re again, adding to that culture of of that it’s not safe. It’s not even safe to say you’re sorry. You know, if the person responds with an eye roll or you know, like a huff, you want it to be safe to say you’re sorry. Because then that’s going to make them want to say they’re sorry, over and over again. Because we we have to say we’re sorry, over and over again. That’s constant. You should be thinking about, Oh my gosh, that probably hurt her. Oh my gosh, I probably hurt him. Let me say I’m sorry. So I think that’s really important. So not only saying you’re sorry, but also receiving the other person Since, sorry, so if my husband says, I’m sorry for something I can be like, Of course, honey, I forgive you, I know that you, you know, had a hard day or whatever, whatever. And that makes it easier for him to apologize in the future. I’m so yeah, so that’s really important. So I think another one that I wanted to bring up is the humility. And of course, the apologizing to him is humbling, right, because you’re acknowledging that you did something wrong, it wasn’t perfect what you did. And so you’re apologizing for it. And that takes humility, it takes humbling yourself and saying, I’m sorry, I did something wrong, I hurt you. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to make you feel like that. Even if you feel like the other person should be mature enough not to get hurt by that or shouldn’t be as sensitive. Like, again, you’re dealing with the person that you were, have the privilege and the responsibility to respect and love and honor and cherish and support. That is, if you if you hurt them, if they feel hurts, then it’s up to you to say I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I hurt you. I didn’t mean to do that. You know, I was talking to someone recently. And she was saying that, you know, she has apologized for these things in the past. But she didn’t understand the breadth of what was going on with her husband. Until now she does. And now she’s like, Okay, I actually do have to apologize again. Because now I actually understand. And that’s a different level, when you actually understand the hurt that you gave your spouse. Now it’s different. So you need to apologize in that way for that thing.

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Another one that I think is important to talk about is having doubt that your way is the best way. A lot of people don’t have that doubt. And they just assume that they are the best and they cannot, you know they’re infallible. And so what they do is they, you know, require their spouse to be what they think is right. And the thing is, we need to walk with humility. And sometimes that means walking with some doubt that our way is the best way. I think a lot of people feel like it’s a lack of faith to have an ounce of doubt, in the way we see things or in the way we view things. The thing is that what I truly believe is if it’s true, it’s God’s truth. So if something outside of our faith is happening, and it doesn’t make sense within the worldview of our faith as Christians, then there’s something that we don’t understand. But it’s still something that God made. You know, if, if it’s happening, then somehow there’s a explanation within what God created. So I say all that because what I think people do is they get so scared, that something’s outside of Christianity, that they almost like put blinders on and pretend it’s not even happening, or get angry that it’s happening or get angry that it’s, like I’m thinking about some, some spiritual things that happen, that are not Christian things, right? So mediums that talk to the dead or energy things or whatever, like I don’t, I don’t understand what’s going on. But I do know that God made everything, and he’s aware of everything. So I don’t know the reasons that’s happening. I know, there’s a lot of Christians that kind of interpret that in certain ways, but I just recognize that I am not qualified enough to understand those things. So if you have differences of opinions with your own spouse, whatever it is, whether it’s about things like that, or whether it’s about things like understanding the nature of what trust means, or what you know, what theology Things are who’s right about what, just recognize, have some doubt you might be wrong. And your your spouse might be right, being open to to reason and I love the scripture that says, the wisdom from above is first of all, pure, and then peace, peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And that’s James 317. So I’d encourage you to meditate on that verse. If you guys are having trouble with strife and anger towards each other. Think about is your wisdom pure, and then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere, especially if this is like, what’s wisdom and what’s not, and you have a better opinion than the other person. Like, okay, fine. Are you open to reason? Are you being gentle, are you peaceable, because of that’s not what’s happening in the way you are being quote wise, then that’s not true wisdom. It says, but the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And then it says, In a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. So value value peace.

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Okay, so I think I have exhausted what I wanted to tell you about being peaceful and easygoing in your marriage, and how vital that is, let me just go over all the things that I mentioned really quickly, number one, be playful. Number two, extend the timeline. Number three, rely on each other strengths, number four, compliment and encourage each other. Number five, gratitude. Number six, be very careful about sarcasm, and be very careful about teasing. And your playfulness shouldn’t be mean. And then number seven, allow things not to be perfect. Number nine, think about and make sure that you’re inspiring others to be more authentic, so you become more vulnerable, and they become more vulnerable. Make your priorities and money more aligned with the culture of your family and what you want it to be, according to God’s will not what you guys have just grown up with number 10, forgive each other, over and over and over again. Say sorry, over and over and over again. And then also receive sorry, in a really wonderful way. One thing I tell I’ve told clients is, you know, when, when Jesus told us, the parable of the father, who had two sons, and one of the sons was extremely hurtful, and asked the father to give him his inheritance early. So before the Father was even dead, he asked him to give give the son the inheritance as though he were dead. So it was really, really hurtful. And then the Father gave the the money and all the inheritance and then the son went out and did horrible things. debauchery, I think is the word they say in the Bible. So that’s like, gambling and prostitution, and just horrible things with the money, lost it all. And then he’s like, I don’t, you know, I’ve got to do something. So he went to work, feeding pigs, and he was so hungry that he started eating the, the food for the pigs. And then he was like, You know what, even the servants in my father’s house, eat better than I do and live better than I do. So I’m going to go back to my father’s house and beg for forgiveness and ask if I can just be a servant in his house. And their son was coming home. And when the father saw him a long way off, he got up and he ran to his son, and embraced him in his arms. And he said, Son, I’m so glad you’re home, you know, and he’s gonna make us feast. He made this giant feast for his son that my son was lost. And now he’s found. Like, just think about that’s the way the father embraces us when we have just gone completely astray. And I encourage you and invite you to embrace your spouse when they have asked for forgiveness, even if it’s this one. weak, you know, awful like, I’m sorry, and then rolled their eyes like just embrace what they, their their tiny hint of that because that’s going to grow the next time that’s an investment in the next time that they ask for forgiveness. So receive and gratefully receive the forgiveness that someone in your marriage spouse asks for. The next one is assume it’s an internal problem first and foremost. So when emotions are raging within you assume that is your problem, because it is your problem. I mean, you’re not even sure what’s going on yet. You’re just like, I’m angry, or I’m upset, like, Okay, what is going on? For you get a piece of paper out, what am I feeling? What’s going on? What does this mean about me? What do I value? Like? Those are questions you need to be sorting out before you ever come to your spouse and approach it in a respectful way. Another thing just for women is to track your cycles. You know, my husband mentioned on the last podcast about how important it is for women. You know, as they think about their, you know, just the way God made us, physically, and hormones, and all these things like, there are reasons that we’ll have responses to things that are different than the way we normally would. So if you track your cycles, it’s much easier for you to

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then this happened to me not too long ago. But when I recognize like, oh, that’s why then I was able to give my husband a lot more grace. And it turns out the house was a mess. But it was not as big of a deal as I felt it was and I got the whole place clean. If he and this, the kids just left and it was good that they did because then I was able to clean the whole house. And not be disrespectful. So. So anyway, so that’s one thing, I would encourage. And then yeah, removing yourself from the situation. Like I said, avoid that. avoid that. The next next piece that I meant went over a little bit is is walk with humility in your marriage be humble. That’s a lot to do with the asking for forgiveness, apologizing a lot. And then the last one is having doubt. Be okay with the doubt in your heart and your mind. Because that’s going to be something that’s actually going to support your marriage in being wise. And the last thing is, check to make sure the quote, wisdom that you feel is wisdom and your self righteousness and all that kind of stuff. Make sure it’s in line with God’s word, which is the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy, and good fruits, impartial and sincere. Awesome, thank you again, so much for listening. And I hope that’s been helpful and just kind of allowed you to be thinking through what you can do practically in your marriage to make it a bit more peaceful, a bit more playful, a bit more fun to be in. And yeah, that’s why my prayers for you Father, in Jesus name, I asked God that you would encourage and empower the listener on the other end husband or wife, God to be more easygoing in their marriage, Lord and be willing to love the other person better physically, spiritually, emotionally, God, and I thank you for that listener and I look forward to more conversations together.

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Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion

My darling husband and I continue our chat about becoming easygoing and why it’s important to develop this skill. And how it can impact even their relationship with Jesus. We have some playful convo but also some serious and important things to say. My husband” derails” my 15-point plan with a very insightful and emotional commentary that you won’t want to miss! 

This is Part 2 of 3.

If you’d like to revolutionize your marriage and your intimacy I want to invite you onto a Clarity Call. This is an opportunity for you to speak directly with me Belah Rose and uncover what is blocking you from the playful, peaceful and purposeful marriage you crave. Sign up now as I have limited availability: www.dym.as.me

Download this episode!

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

“I can’t go on like this”

“I don’t think we can make this work”

“I’m at the end of my rope” (what I hear the MOST)

I hate these phrases. They’re not literal, and they mean this person is in severe pain. I am sad about that. I am sad that you’re in such heartache. I’m sorry that you feel so alone, frustrated, discouraged and desperate.

But I want you to have hope. I want you to have FAITH for your marriage.

Ephesians 6:12 “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

If you’ve been fighting with your spouse… there’s stuff you can do. God hates divorce not because He’s waiting for you to mess up and wants you to be miserable and live in suffering… but because divorce shreds hearts–what God has joined together–that which has become ONE FLESH. What that disconnects it truly shreds humans, families, children.

I love working with people who are on the brink of divorce. Its honestly my favorite–because I get to see God get the most glory from it!

From people who are in agony and fear of the future, to people who are living the abundant life and loving God and people to a greater degree than they ever have (and having fun, playful, passionate intimacy on all levels!)

If you’re where I was before my divorce of my first marriage–I understand you. Now I know that it doesn’t have to end that way. It really doesn’t. Listen in for more.

I’d love to get on a free Clarity Call to hear your story. I’d love to see if I can discern if God would want me to help you. And if it feels like that’s the case, I may invite you to work with me. Otherwise, I’d be happy to give you this $500 value session for free anyway. Sign up: www.dym.as.me

Love,

Belah

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah. Rose.

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Hey, there, this is belah rose. I’m glad you’re joining me. Thank you. So the end of my rope. That is a phrase I do not like. But I hear it so often from people who join me on Clarity Calls, that I wanted to give you a sense of hope from this conversation. I wanted to pray for you and I wanted to give you some insights. Just start off let me just pray for you. Father, the person on the end of this line has gone through the wringer. They have been hurt. They have been wounded. They are at a spot of desperation. Lord, I ask that the people who decided to click on this episode needed it. They needed to hear this today. And I asked in Jesus name that you would perform miracles, perform miracles, God, you are a miracle working God. Father God, you set a word, and the world was created. It was by your word that you did. The miracles you did. Lord, I ask in Jesus name, that the person on the other line God through this conversation through the faith that’s produced, I ask in Jesus name, the insights, the Wisdom, what you want them to hear God is what they would hear, regardless of what I say, God, I pray, what would resonate, is what you want them to hear that it would provoke reminders, images in their head that they had forgotten about things that would stir in their spirit God, Lord, You are the God that transforms hearts. You make hearts of, of rock into hearts of flesh. That’s what your word says. And I ask that you would do that, and do it in their spouses, Father God, you are a God of power. Lord, give us the grace of faith through this conversation that you would do that. In Jesus mighty name, amen. So I was listening to an unbelievably powerful conversation from a woman named Caroline Kane. And she’s extremely enthusiastic. And I was quite touched by what she shared. But one of the things she talked about was the word Marvel. The Hebrew word marvel in the New Testament FOD maso. So I definitely trust her because she’s a Bible teacher much more than myself. But I did go back to a great resource called Bible hud.com. If you’re not familiar with it, Bible, H ub.com. And it gives the Greek translations the Hebrew translations. It’s an incredible concordance. It’s got phenomenal commentaries, I would totally encourage you to do that. For Bible study purposes. It’s amazing all for free. But anyway, thought mezzo is only in the New Testament. Jesus only says it two times. And here are the two times he says that I’m going to read this from my Bible, which is the English translated English Standard Version. And it says, this is talking about the faith of a centurion, which is a Roman commander. So you know, Jesus was walking around, and Jews were the ones that were following him, because they were the ones that had understood the scriptures of old and the prophecies, and they had realized that he was the one the true God, and I’m sure that there were other, you know, people that were following him as well. But, you know, essentially, it was it was the Jewish people. You know, and the Romans were actually the ones that had authority in the area in Israel, because it was, they were, it was Roman occupied. So they were like the, the oppressors, they weren’t the good guys, if you will. But anyway, So. So when Jesus had entered component, and this is Matthew eight,

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five, a century and came forward to him appealing to him, Lord, My servant is lying paralyzed at home, suffering terribly. And Jesus said to him, I will come and heal him. But the centurion replied, Lord, I am not worthy to have you come under my roof, but only say the word and my servant will be healed. For I too, am a man under authority with soldiers under me. And I say to one, go, and he goes into another come, and he comes into my servant do this, and he does it. And when Jesus heard this, he marveled, and said to those who follow him, Truly, I tell you, with a no one in Israel, have I found such faith? I tell you, many will come from east and west, and recline at a table with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, in the kingdom of heaven, while the sons of the kingdom will be thrown into the outer darkness. In that place, there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth, and to the century and Jesus said, Go, let it be done for you, as you have believed, and the servant was healed at that very moment. So I want to point your attention to when Jesus says, he heard this, and marveled, and said to those who followed him, Truly, I tell you, no one in Israel, have I found such faith. Which is insane, insane, honestly, because these are these other people have been following him around, following him and following him, have been watched, witnessing all these miracles, all these things, God feeding Jesus feeding the 5000, healing the sick, raising the dead. And yet this Centurion, who said, don’t even you don’t even need to come, I’m unworthy of you even coming under my roof. And this is, this is the man once again, who’s oppressing the people, the Jewish people. I mean, he’s, he’s the Roman leader, he leads he’s a commander. And yet he goes low and says, You’re I’m not even worthy of you coming under my roof. But whatever you say, I know. I know he will be healed. And so is it credible to think that Jesus marveled at his faith, and, and again, from Bible hub.com it? This word Thau, mad, so proper, it says, to wonder at be amazed, astonished, out of one senses, awestruck, wondering vary greatly. Regard with amazement. So anyway, it’s, it’s incredible. And now later, in Mark six, Jesus wonders, again, he marveled again. But this time, it’s quite a lot different. Mark six, one, he went away from these and came to his hometown, and his disciples followed Him. And on the Sabbath, He began to teach in the synagogue, and many who heard him were astonished, saying, Where did this man get these things? What is the wisdom and wisdom given to him? How are such mighty works done by his hands? Is this not the carpenter, the son of Mary, and the brother of James, and Joses, and Judas and Simon, and are not His sisters here with us? They took offense at Him. And Jesus said to them, A prophet is not without honor, except in his hometown, and among his relatives, and in his own household. And he could do no mighty work there, except that he laid his hands on a few sick people and healed them. No big deal, right? But he says, no mighty work there. He could do no mighty work there. And then verse six, and he marveled because of their unbelief. So it’s incredible to hear that Jesus could do no mighty works because of their unbelief. And once again, Jesus marveled, he was amazed, astonished, awestruck at their unbelief. So it was really great. My church actually invited me to speak about my brother’s resurrection that happened about two months ago, almost exactly two months ago. If you haven’t had that, if you haven’t heard the full story, I’d encourage you to hear the Episode where I think the title is my brother was found last week without a pulse.

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And anyway, I shared the account. And I was just so grateful because I’ve shared the account. Many times, I actually still have the hospital band on my arm. Because I want people to ask me about it, I want it not only that to be a constant reminder to me, of the power of prayer and faith in what God can do now in our world today that he is still healing the sick, he is still raising the dead. But you know, about three weeks before that all happened. We went to the funeral of a man that my husband and I had prayed for fervently. And even I had taken the risk of praying with non believers for this man. And we sought God, we sought his, his power. And we didn’t see the fruition of that we didn’t see it. And yet, when I was praying about what I should share, on Sunday with my church, I felt like God wanted me to say, and I don’t hear God very clearly, often, that’s a very rare kind of situation. For me, I just pray in faith and believe He guides me and, you know, there are certain kind of movements of my heart and inspirations that I feel like, okay, this is this is from God, but it’s not usually like a specific phrase that’s more pronounced. That’s the way I hear him. I think a lot of people hear God very different ways. So I don’t want to put God in a box. He’s much bigger than any box could ever hold. So I think he speaks to everyone in different ways. But But anyway, what happened Saturday night, I felt like he said, share with them, the way you experienced this healing. And it was really powerful, because I hadn’t shared that with anyone except extremely close friends, maybe only one and maybe only my husband, if that? I don’t. Yeah. But anyway, so I, I shared that when I got that call Thursday morning, that he was with found without a pulse on the side of the road and had been non responsive in the hospital for three hours, which I actually didn’t know that full part. But he was non responsive in the hospital. I didn’t fear at all. I wasn’t nervous that my brother wasn’t coming back. There was nothing in me that had concerned that way. My knee jerk reaction was okay, let’s get the prayer chains going, you know, who can I call that’s going to have faith for his healing. That was my, that was what was in my head. It wasn’t. Who can I mourn with or who’s going to comfort me or who’s going to pray for comfort, it was who’s going to have faith for healing, who’s going to have faith for God’s transformation power in this situation, because that’s the only thing I was going to accept at that time. And at the same time, I took risks, and I texted tons of people to ask for their, to ask for their prayer of faith, to ask for their prayer of faith. I was very specific about that, for his healing. Because I don’t want people praying for my brother who’s not going to believe for his healing. That’s what we needed in that moment was faith. And I remember praying with a woman, because I was taking the train down to where my brother was. And even in the train station, we were praying was the first person I prayed out loud with, you know, I asked my husband to pray while I was heading to the train station. But this was the first person I was praying out loud with. And in that, in that prayer, I remember praying, you know, God, I don’t know what your purposes are for this. But I asked in Jesus name for his healing, to bring You glory, I pray for his your glory, God to be done the purposes that you have in this situation to be done, God, I don’t know what they are, but God, you know, that you would be glorified that people would come to know you through this. There was, I mean, honestly, there wasn’t concern. There wasn’t doubt that he wasn’t going to get through this. And when I arrived at the hospital, my mom told me, you know, that the doctors had just shared with them that he might be brain dead. And I held her and I was like, Mom, I don’t care. That’s not our brother. That’s not your son. That it doesn’t matter to me. We’re praying for healing. And, you know, there were Christians in the room with my brother and Not everyone.

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But it was it was extremely difficult to see that they didn’t start prayers. For my brother, they didn’t put his hands on him, but by God’s grace, He gave me the strength to go for it put my hands on, I’m in proof in healing, praying in faith for healing for my brother, because that’s what the Word of God says, You shall lay hands on the sick and they shall recover, you will cast out demons in my name. Over and over and over again, by his stripes, you are healed. God cared about the human body, Jesus, Jesus laid hands on the sick and they shall recover. He did that. And he asked us to do the same in faith. And if you hear that recount, it is incredible. What we found out recently, again, if you’ve listened to that podcast, what we found out I literally found this out yesterday, actually, the man that found my brother, the first man that found him, which we didn’t find, for a while we couldn’t figure it out who it was, it was the wrong phone number, even in the police report of who the guy was. But finally they found him. He was a 53 year old man who was running late to work, he is never late to work. And he had taken a CPR class back in college, you know, 25 plus years ago, he’d never performed CPR before, and had never taken another class since. And he was the first responder. You know, he happened to be driving by 530 in the morning was dark out. And he called out to my brother, no response, he got out, started performing CPR, the next guy to come was a nurse who was running early to work who was never early to work. And he happens to be an ICU nurse. So he was able to jump in and support CPR. And then the next guy that came was a police officer who happened to be going out for a coffee. And then he was able to join in CPR. And then after that, just in context, my husband actually just took a CPR class and is now certified. He said, even just practicing in the CPR room, it is extremely challenging. And my husband is very fit, because he plays soccer every three days a week. So he’s very fit very strong. And for him for it to be challenging for him, much less of you know, someone that wasn’t quite as fit as him, I can only imagine how extremely exhausting that could be. And you, you actually have to take as the person administering CPR, you have to take a break after two minutes. Otherwise, you could get so lightheaded that I think you could pass out. So there’s that. Then when the ambulance came, what they did was they took the defibrillator, you know, and they and they use it. And then they put it you know, it’s the defibrillator, they go okay, clear. You know, they put him on his chest and do that. They did it five times to my brother. And the vast majority, they don’t even most people don’t wake up after even just three times. So I’m even amazed. Not only that he woke up, everyone’s amazed that he woke up after five times or that not sorry, he didn’t wake up. But his heart started after five times. But even the fact that they kept going after three times, I mean, the fact that they just in faith kept going because he didn’t have a pulse. And so in, in, in retrospect, we know that he didn’t have a pulse for at least 13 minutes. So the only thing that was getting oxygen around his body and into his brain was CPR. So it’s just amazing what God did. And the story goes on and on. So you can listen more to that. But the point of the matter is that in that situation, there was faith and prayer in faith. And you know what, Jesus? He marveled at the centurions. Faith, and it was done. It was done. You know, when I talked about the man that we prayed for, we prayed for fervently, and it felt like God was going to do it. There were there were coincidences. It seemed like God was going to do this healing. And yet, he didn’t. So I don’t know why God doesn’t do the things he doesn’t do when we pray. But I would not want him to not be able to work and do what he does want to do because of my unbelief. Jesus was in his hometown, and he could not do great miracles because of their unbelief.

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I don’t want that to be my story. And I don’t want that to be your story. So when you are at the end of your rope with your marriage, do not let it be true. Do not let your unbelief, not allow God to do the work he wants to do in your heart, and your husband’s heart and the situation, in your circumstances, in your finances, in your living situation, in the opinions of others, you don’t know what God wants to do. But don’t let your faith be the reason that God’s not doing his work. You know, is interesting. Over the last few months, God has really grown my faith. And again, I hadn’t realized this until last night, because I was, I was actually blaming on on something else. Why God has grown my faith. But since then I had stopped doing that thing that I thought was actually the thing that was growing my faith. And I realized that actually, in the last few months, I had purchased a really cute Bible. And sounds funny. But a while back. I lost my Bible, essentially. And so I didn’t have a physical one. So I was using one on my app on my phone. And I just wasn’t finding life from the Bible. I was I was feeling like a chore. I was scrolling but not finding. It wasn’t life giving. And so I decided, Okay, it’s time let me go. Let me get a Bible. And I went and found one that was really cute. And I really liked and it fits my progress. And so anyway, I also was provoked to meditate on the Word of God. So not just read for, you know, reading a chapter sake, but actually to read and find a scripture and write out that scripture in my journal, and then write my own commentary about that scripture. What does it mean to me? What is that insight that maybe a God is showing me or maybe it’s just my own thoughts around it, it doesn’t necessarily, I don’t have to get so spiritual about, like, God showed me this, maybe it was just me needing to process something in my life. And not that scripture provoked it. And thank god, he’s, he’s tweaking things in my own heart. But the point is, I started interacting with the Word of God, more so than I have in a long time. And what I realized yesterday was that God was so kind to give me several months of delving into his word, in a way that I hadn’t before in a long time. And it was, it built my faith to such a degree that when the time came, that I really needed it. It was there. So that I was the one starting prayers for my brother in the hospital room and laying hands on the sick. And laying hands before he went for a procedure and laying hands and praying, you know, and praying in the in the waiting room with everyone. And, you know, those were the things they prayed with me, they joined in, but for me to be able to start, you know, because I often have a challenge. And I wonder if you do to that, you know, it’s hard to navigate situations sometimes, because even though they’re Christians, it’s, you know, they’re uncomfortable with sticking their neck out there, because they feel kind of like they’re responsible for defending God’s person, you know, God’s reputation. And I’m just like, I don’t know, you know, I don’t know those things. I don’t know why God does the things he does. I can’t explain them. I can’t explain them to Christians or non Christians, I can’t even explain them to myself. So how in the world am I going to say, you know, what? I get to choose whether or not God gets glory for the things he does or doesn’t do. And instead, I’m just supposed to be faithful. And I’m supposed to do what he does say that. I know, he says, you know, and, of course, all that aligned with wisdom and kindness and the truth in love. You know, I was really, I was not perfect around my family. I’ve got to say that it was, you know, it’s challenging, but at the same time, there were elements of God’s grace that were able to be revealed in that situation. So I want to challenge you. I want to challenge you in your faith. I want to challenge you to go buy a Bible. You know, I am a severe under spender. You know, we live a very minimalist lifestyle. You know, we save and don’t spend, you know, by God’s grace, for the most part, we’ve really focused on that.

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But this is definitely worth it. Go buy the Bible spend the most 30 30 bucks 40 bucks to buy a Bible you like something that’s pretty something that you will go to something that’s not bulky and giant that’s going to be hard to, to ride around with in your glove box or in your purse, you know, but something you’re actually going to go to and look at and read. Because count the cost, count the cost if you truly are at the edge of divorce, what in the world are you doing? Do everything you can, the enemy wants divorce for your family? You know why? I think the Bible says God hates divorce. Because it shreds hearts, it shreds life, it shreds families, it shreds them. Family is supposed to be the means the birthplace isn’t it. It’s where people it’s where people start, where they’re grown, where they’re raised, you know, Mary and Joseph. Right? Why was it so important that we knew the account of Jesus’s birth over and over and over again? And why was it important that Mary and Joseph, you know, raised him? Why was it important that we actually don’t know what happened, you know, through that time, but something we do know, is that Mary was a part of his life his entire life. There’s something to that, that Mary was there the entire time, they did not become estranged at any point in time, they think that Joseph may have died because he wasn’t there. And that’s telling of a situation. But we also know that Jesus became a carpenter, which means Joseph taught him the trade of carpentry, which means they were close throughout his life for him to have even gotten that skill. So that’s profound. That’s an important fact, to think that a, a unified family unit, brought Jesus into the world and allowed him you know, they were the ones that brought him to the temple, and they were the ones to raise him in the faith, and to be a good Jewish man to understand, you know, to bring him up, knowing the all the traditions and Passover and all the things that he was to do as a Jew, you know, that’s, that’s powerful that Jesus was able to be brought up in those important traditions and in a, in a home. So do not rob that from your children, because of your own unbelief. I challenge you, and I encourage you, that we don’t know what God wants to do in your heart and your family. But I challenge you to have the faith. And what practically, does that look like? It says, Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God and Romans, Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God. You need to be in the Word of God to grow your faith. That is the key. That is the element. All we know. All we know about Christianity is through the word of God, you know, and in other countries, and in some of the countries even that dy M is listened to in the countries which is insane. I have no idea how this happens that God has just given this there are countries that literally have downloads from those countries. And Christianity is legal to evangelize in. And so whoever’s listening could get in serious trouble, to the point of death, actually. And anyway, there are countries where Bibles would be confiscated and execution would be the result. There are people that are dying, because they seek out the word of God, they want to know more about Jesus. I have a friend that did mission work in Iraq, actually, she was one hour away from ISIS. Literally one hour. And she actually went when she knew

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ISIS was going on in Mosul, while the whole situation was happening, I guess, three or four years ago, and excuse me, and she said that it was incredible to see some people who who came from the Islamic faith come to Jesus, and they kept their traditions of Islam. But the change was to fall in love with Jesus. But she read that Bible, she read the New Testament in a night, over and over, she poured over the scriptures. It’s life giving. It’s lifegiving I want to challenge you and encourage you, I want to encourage you that you don’t have to become a crazy, non relatable Christian person because you believe in the word of God. You don’t have to, you know, some people have that as their as their ministry that, you know, that’s the way that they interact. And, you know, and but you don’t have to be scared that you’re gonna lose your relationships, because suddenly, you start believing scripture like you never have before. But we are going to do is start giving the Glory to God in ways that you never have before. And that’s what he wants. You know, a lot of times when I start out a podcast to speak to you about, you know, I, I I’m prayerful, and usually my prayer goes something around like, Lord, how do you want me to? How do you want this podcast to transform my audience that actually came from another podcaster their, their advice, but but now it’s, it’s, it’s more of a prayer. But what I realized last night, that the prayer should really be tweaked in quite a large way, actually, Lord, what would give you the most glory? What would give you the most glory, because I don’t want to have a ministry and a business that is a is lukewarm, that brings people from a, a place of, you know, just block intimacy to a place of fiery passion. In bed, I want to bring people through that situation to a place of being in love with Jesus, and having a fiery, passionate life with Christ, where they pursue God with their whole hearts, with their whole minds with their whole strength, and soul. I don’t want my vision of this business and ministry to be so small, you know, and that’s why actually, I love working with people who are on the brink of divorce. I really, really love it. Because I feel God gets the most glory out of those transformations. Yeah, it’s great when people go from blah, intimacy to fiery passionate intimacy. It is it’s great. And a lot of times, that’s my marketing stick because people want that transformation. It’s great. That’s a side effect. I think from my work, you know, the most important thing is for people to get on fire for God. And it’s not that I do that work, but I aim that God would get the glory through the work I do. You know, the people I work with I pray for on every call at least in my in my groups, not necessarily on my one on ones but a lot of times but they’re in my personal prayer time too. So not only do they get the the one on one attention but also the one on one prayer, the one on one and intercession. And that’s a value that that’s priceless. You know I pray for you who listen, I pray for the you who take my courses, my book, those things but there’s, there’s a there’s a deeper connection when when we walk this path together, and I support you and help you change. You know, through this. Here’s some things I wanted to share. Now, I’m jogging my memory on what I feel like I wanted me to share this morning was you may be wrong. The other person may be wrong, but you may be wrong. And it’s important to acknowledge that and understand that because here’s what it says in James

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this I love this verse, James 317 says but the wisdom from above is first pure. Then peaceable. Gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. Now if you are not all of those things you are wrong. There are elements of what you have done that have been wrong. So yeah, maybe the overarching theme of your marital discord is not wrong, but you have errors that you have made. There have been responses that have been wrong. And it is time to have the meekness this is what’s powerful. It says, who is wise and understanding among you This is 313 by his good conduct, let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but it is earthly unspiritual demonic for where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. And then once again, the scripture this, verse 17, but the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere, and a harvest of righteousness is sown by those who make peace. So I don’t know what’s going on with you guys. It’s really hard to give general sweeping statements. There’s a lot of work I do with people who are on the brink of divorce. There’s a lot of boundaries that need to be set. There are things but there is definitely aspects of seeking forgiveness, and providing gracious forgiveness. It doesn’t mean that you fold in, you’re a doormat and all these kinds of things. No, but there are aspects of you that are not without blame. And that is a good thing. That means you have opportunity in this situation. That is a good thing. It’s good news. There’s a verse in the Bible that says it’s his kindness that leads us to repentance. It’s beautiful. It’s a good thing that He convicts our hearts, so that we can do God’s will better. You don’t want to destroy and shred the hearts of your kids in their futures. It’s destructive. It’s the pain that they have to endure for the rest of their lives as a result of the choices you make. Is it jealousy, selfish ambition, it says that those things, it’s demonic. It’s desorb disorder. It’s every vile practice. But by your good conduct, let us show your works in the meekness of wisdom. That’s why it’s so funny to me. Sometimes when people justify themselves, and they think that they’re wise. Let me clarify what wisdom is. It’s first pure, then peaceable. It’s gentle, it’s open to reason. It’s full of mercy and good fruits. Once again, the fruits of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control. And then to continue in verse 17, impartial and sincere. Let this convict you. Let your heart be rent, let your heart weep. You have made mistakes we all have made mistakes. Our sins condemn us to death. Okay, what are you going to do about it? You are not dead yet Jesus died for your sins. What’s the next step? What can you do about it now? It is not the end you are not at the end of your rope. That is not true. Doo doo get off the victim train and say Okay, it’s time.

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God has given me strength. am a warrior for Christ it is time to say the enemy has got to flee. I am not going to bow down to what the enemy wants for my life. I’m not going to bow down to what the enemy wants for my kids. What the enemy wants for my my spouse. I’m not going to bow down to that. What is fighting mean? Fighting doesn’t mean fighting with your spouse. Fighting means choosing the fruits of the Spirit. Choosing to honor God choosing to get in the word choosing to love choosing wisdom. So let me pray for you, Father God, thank you. Thank you for your sweet conviction. Thank you for your kindness that leads us to repentance God. Thank You God that we make mistakes, we have thorns in our flesh. And it keeps us humble. That Paul said he has a thorn in his flesh. And if he didn’t have that, it would not he would, he would be prideful. God, I have plenty of thorns in my flesh, plenty of reasons that keeps me humble. That my mistakes are many, many, many, many. But Lord, I ask in the name of Jesus, that we wouldn’t use that as an excuse to say, I can’t do what God wants me to do. So this, so the person on the other line has made mistakes, what’s new, it’s time to be responsible, take responsibility. Ask God for forgiveness, and accept and receive that forgiveness because Jesus paid for it. There is a payment, and it is time to receive that forgiveness, and move forward in that grace in that confidence and that faith, ask for forgiveness of your spouse. Maybe you’re not responsible for the main part of the issue. But there are aspects that you can be responsible for, and you can change and you can seek to move the ball forward, at the expense of your own pride. Good. Put your pride on the floor good. That’s called doing what God wants you to do. Taking that first step, even if your spouse never acknowledges that, ever, even if no one acknowledges it. Jesus knows and he loves that you decided to put your pride on the floor. That’s wonderful. That’s wonderful news. You’re just a tiny bit more like Jesus because He hung on a cross when He didn’t deserve to. And everyone scoffed and laughed, and that, that man, God could have brought him himself down and killed every one of them. Every single one of them, and he didn’t. He remained. He remained humiliated, and wounded and vulnerable to all to see. God I asked that we would walk in that way, Father, that we would truly have wisdom, your wisdom. In whatever situation this person is facing God. They are no longer at the end of their rope. They are more than conquerors in Christ. They are standing up out of that victimhood. And they are walking and they are doing your work. And I asked for the grace of God, that the enemy cannot lie to them any longer, that they don’t have a choice in this. In Jesus mighty name, you are God. Amen.

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Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion.

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Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah. Rose.

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All righty, thank you so much for joining me. And hey, Happy Father’s Day, dear dads, I’m so grateful that you join me on the call, I do want to mention, before we dive in that, if you have been hoping to ask your wife to have a clarity call with me, I have been offering those, this might be the perfect opportunity for you to ask her if she’d be willing to do that. For a gift for you for Father’s Day, that’s actually been a really effective way for husbands to invite their wives to have either work with me or Yeah, it have my book or those kinds of things. So I invite you to consider that in a clarity call, just so you know, is actually a $500 value. I’m offering it for free right now. But it’s really for me to speak with a wife or husband, even I work with husbands as well. But to really dive deep into what’s going on in your marriage, and where you are and where you want to go. And if it feels like the right fit, I may invite you to actually work with me on one of my programs, because by God’s grace, I see incredible transformations in marriages. Now, on today’s episode, I want to invite you to kind of sit back and relax and talk about maybe having your marriage transformed into an easygoing marriage. A lot of times in the Bible, it says Peace, talks about peace and being a peaceful person, I think sometimes we can probably translate that into easygoing. And my husband and I are actually both on this episode. And he gives a lot of really good insight. And you’ll be able to just hear from him almost on all sorts of different things. But you can pick out just really good nuggets throughout what he says. But we talk about really on on this part, I’ve got three parts to this series I’m very excited about. But this first one, there’s five keys in transforming your marriage to be more easygoing. And it’s really a good thing to have an easygoing marriage, I think God can work through it quite a lot more. So let’s go ahead and dive in.

2:51
Hi, there Welcome. Welcome. I’m so grateful you’re joining this is belah. Rose. And I actually have my husband here.

3:00
Hello, good morning.

3:03
If you’re listening to this in the morning, if not,

3:06
good afternoon, or good evening.

3:12
Thank you. So we wanted to talk about the value and some practical keys of being easy going. Now for me, this has not been part of my nature, honestly. And when we are talking about it, my husband looks at me and says you’re easygoing. And I was quite surprised and grateful because that is not something that I grew up with or saw modeled either. So for me, my personality is a very strong, passionate personality with a lot of purpose behind what I feel that I should do. For a long time. Most of my life, I had a two hour cap on anything I could do. With that was pleasurable for me or something that was fun for me. Because I felt like I needed to do something productive. So if I wasn’t doing something productive for two hours, I would get antsy. And I would have to go do something productive. I would have to learn something, I’d have to read a book, I’d have to process something intense, I’d have to, you know, start praying something really serious and intense. Because you know, I would be losing those two hours. And it wasn’t until I was married with my husband that he said, I guess when we were dating, he started pointing this out and we would laugh because I might have been hanging out with my friends and then we would look at the clock and almost exactly two hours after arriving, you know, hanging out with my friends. I would have to leave and go do something important. And so yeah, so I’ve had a road of something that was or wasn’t productivity. So for me, it’s very important to be productive. And I think that is a good quality. And I think a lot of people really value productivity. But sometimes they value it above peace in our hearts. And in your marriage, it’s really important to be peaceful. And when you think about the fruits of the Spirit, love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control. How many of those can you accomplish when you are hurried, and overzealous and unable to relax a bit? I mean, if you don’t have any space in your life, or in your heart, or in your head, how in the world can you love Well, or be gentle, because you’re so focused on being productive and, and pushing yourself to the limits, you don’t have space for that to be kind? Are you kidding me, you got to get stuff done. So I want to encourage you, and invite you today to recognize the value of being easygoing. And that things can slide and God is the one that you can trust for your life to be okay. So maybe you have a business you want to start or maybe you’ve got a lot of work to do. But what really, is gonna matter most in eternity? Well, I want to argue, is that or my point is, I don’t actually want to argue, but my point is, that piece is more important than in your marriage, getting your point across or being right, or being productive or having things you’re away. Making sure that you and your spouse have a peaceful relationship is more important than all those other things because it allows you to do God’s work better because you’re in a peaceful space. And you’re kind to each other and you’re kind to those around you and you invite each other. You know, you invite your friends over your neighbors, your you know, your kind to your children. So I’m curious cuz I’m curious husband, if you have any, if you have any additions to that,

7:31
kid, think about when you said in by your neighbors is something maybe this is that remember, what is a couple years ago on New Years, that you just decided to invite some of our neighbors in our building, and I don’t even know them. And our apartment is very tiny. So we try to invite everybody but also not squeezing. We’ll be comfortable. I don’t know. That’s one of the things that I keep thinking about what you did and and now we’re friends and we’re friends of their friends. And

8:14
yeah, yeah, that’s awesome. And to me, it feels like if we didn’t have a lot of peace in our home, that wouldn’t have even been a possibility. You know, because we’re too busy at each other’s throats to even invite people to be loved by God

8:37
you know what, that’s the didn’t look at the way that they you look now just let you say that if we were like just mad at each other every day or once a week or something that there is we can invite friends to our plays you know, because we’re just angry each other for some reason something that it it doesn’t really matter. Right? Because you know like or that that the apartment Whatever it looks like because we had kids you know on the scratch the the paint the walls and you know, it’s just like we we try to act perfectly how we want the other people to see us and instead of like to see as we had kids, there’s gonna be toys you know, sometimes everywhere and that’s okay. You know, if you don’t understand us, because you don’t have kids. You know, talk to other couples that have kids. You know, it’s it’s a lot of work. It’s a lot of work, but also through the you can bless other people as also those people can bless you because people are watching you know, Whether for the good or for the bad, you know, because always watching and they always say something, whether kind, without you even hear it, even all those kind things you would like to hear. But a lot of times you hear those suggestions that you don’t want to hear, you know, you just want to feel that people can can hear you what you had to say. And, you know, live in New York City, that there’s a lot of people sometimes when I’m just walking on the streets, Mike on the street with my kids, you know, some parents, or I’m assuming parents or men and women, they say, you know, he’s such a great father. And without even know me, and I’m like, oh, you know, and I’m happy, come here and talk to my wife about that. And I feel like, oh, there are people are watching that I, you know, I, I can take care of my kids. And now they see me, you know, my hope and pray that they will go in and do the same thing with our kids or wives, that a lot of times that we don’t do that anymore, because we go focus on our winner on our phones, the reason why I sit on their phones is because I think I’m too strict about phones to my kids watching that scream every day. And I think I’m way too strict about that. And my wife can talk about that.

11:30
Thank you, honey. No, he’s awesome about that. It’s, um, I think it is a big problem in our society for kids to be on screens so much. So that’s something Yeah, that my husband really doesn’t allow is for them to be on screens very much at all. So yeah, we’re working out whether or not there’s a balance there. Because clearly, mom’s on the screen all the time for her work. So there’s, there’s something to it. But anyway, we might have to have a little bit more conversation there off. Oh, Mike. Um, so but anyway, I think maybe that’s even a good key, because I want to give you some, some real principles that practical things that you can be thinking about when you think about how can you turn your marriage into something that’s more easygoing, and one way is Be playful? There’s so much in life that you can turn into a joke, you know, so much in my my opinions, my thoughts, my understandings, that I can be playful with my husband. And it turns into a fun exchange, rather than, you know, something serious about screens and all this stuff, I mean, be playful. So that’s number one. The second one I want to talk about is extend the timeline. Because so often, we think that we need to get things done quickly. And what that does is put pressure on the current situation. Listen, you’ve got tons of time, life is not short, life is long. Now, even if you’re listening, and there are some, some listeners that are in their 60s or 70s, you still have tons of time. But if you’re in your 30s 40s 50s, I mean, that is so much time left in in life. And so don’t feel like there’s this this ticking clock that you have to get all of your arguments figured out within the next, or disagreements figured out within the next even couple months or years, you can extend that timeline, and you’ll be so much more effective than if you did it. Let’s say we really need to get this figured out by tomorrow, you know, instead, maybe have that first conversation, plant a seed tomorrow, and then have another good conversation in two weeks, and then have another good conversation in a month. And just think about even a conversation if it’s a disagreement that can start out by one hint at a certain certain issue. So for example, about screens, if we gave that as an example, you know, we had, excuse me some friends over last night, and their son was using the phone to look up endangered species. And he was drawing pictures from looking at a frog, for example. And it was very cool. And that was an opportunity that we could have a conversation with this. These other parents who are also very strict about screens and say that their son can only be on a screen. If they’re in the room with the parents and it’s there, the parents phone so they’ve got to be To see exactly what the Sun is doing in the sun is, is young just like our kids. So it was really interesting. So that’s a seed and my husband and I can take that exchange and we can talk about it and talk about what do we want our kids to be doing. But that’s not going to be my opportunity in that conversation to then get all of my thoughts out about screens. Because that, that’s not going to be productive, you know, my husband may want to process for a while and what he says to me, I may want to process for a while, so we don’t have to get everything out on the table in one fell swoop. So think about extending that, that timeline, when you’re talking about disagreements, you have anything you want to add.

15:48
I mean, I can keep going. Okay, the next thing that I wanted to mention is to rely on each other strengths. And I talked about this a lot, but you and your spouse are extremely different and God made you that way. So think about each other as really a complementary team. You know, his strengths are your weaknesses, your strengths are his weaknesses. So consider your like puzzle pieces fitting together to make the hole that God wanted you to be from the get go. So don’t assume that your strengths are better or his strengths are better know your, your weaknesses and strengths, align and complement each other your your equal halves have an entire hole. So for example, again, with our friends that came over last night, my husband loves to cook he loves to kind of be the doer, he is amazing at that aspect, he gets things accomplished while I sit and talk. So I’m very lucky that that’s what he does. But um, but anyway, I would encourage you to, to think about that of what is your spouse’s strengths and rely on those things, and and complementing each other. So you can do Kingdom work better. The next thing I wanted to say was, feel free to touch my arm, if you have something to say, and then I’ll, I’ll know, the next thing I was gonna say was compliment and encourage each other. I think that’s really important because you want your spouse to know how much you enjoy and appreciate them. And that makes them calm, you know themselves that you so they can feel free to be themselves around you. Because if if they feel like you don’t like who they are, they can’t have peace in their own heart, they can’t feel like they can be all that they are. And I know, in the past, for me, I felt like I was constantly striving to be someone I wasn’t I was constantly striving to change myself, I wasn’t good enough. But by God’s grace, my husband has really made me feel like I am free to be who I am, I’m free to be who God made me to be. And I’m appreciated for who God made me to be. And so compliments are huge. If you don’t compliment your spouse, start today start making that a culture of your marriage. And the other piece of that is you have to start being able to receive compliments, I see that all the time in marriages is that sadly, when one person complements, the other person may either not respond or be like, Oh, it’s no big deal. It was just, you know, it’s just something I always do or whatever. And what that does is it makes a kind of a prickly culture in your marriage of where you’re not receiving what the other person is giving. And then, and then there’s a block and it kind of hurts the other person without realizing you, you might think that you’re even being humble, but you’re not you’re not receiving and that’s vulnerable to receive a compliment. It’s vulnerable to be given something and receive it, but it gives the softness between you two.

19:16
Yeah, I can add something to that. Looking at your notes when they say compliment encourage each other. Because a lot of times that we as a husband and wife, we just let you say we don’t compliment each other. A lot of times you’re busy. And lot of times you look at your your spouse in something that you like that she or he did. Or say something and you like it but you don’t say like oh, thank you for saying those things. Because I feel like you know, I don’t really buy clothes, right? I don’t really buy clothes. I people don’t make clothes. And if they’re my size I wear them if not we know I will donate those clothes. And one time I went to, to the store. And you know, this knot decided that moment that I want to buy some pins.

20:12
May I add that? It was because all of his pants were ripped, aside from one pair of jeans, and I had already sold the other pairs of pants and they ripped a second time.

20:28
Yeah, that’s, that’s true. So I feel like how can I? Not? How can I not spend money, but also, you can fake those pins anymore. And I feel like, you know, I tried on and you know, I didn’t feel comfortable. Now that, you know, just the comfortable, but then I try some pants and I feel comfortable. But I see they’re expensive, you know, expensive when I’m talking about no more than $40 Those are pens that I got them and I feel like I you know, do I deserve this, you know, I I feel like is I haven’t done that for a long time, like buying or treat myself, I guess you can say that. But I knew that I needed. And I bought them and unliking so much that I I went to get another one. And I you know, I’m excited to tell my wife in I’m like, hey, look about this pens, but I was looking for the compliment if she liked it or not, because I like it. You know, she’s like, Oh, you look, he looks really good. And like every I think for the last three days, it could be more like, I really like these pants. She was like, I think I think that they look really cute on you. They look really good of you. And, you know when she says that, that she that i She really likes blue pens, whether she liked it or not, but I just want to look for the compliment. And if I hear that from my wife, I feel like I’m I’m the I’m just model that is walking on the street, even on Far, far away from that. But just me feeling inside in secure, that my wife likes it loves it. And I was looking for the compliment. But a lot of times that we were not looking for that compliment because we’re trying to figure out something more serious in our, in our marriage, in our relationship with our spouse, compliment is far away from from, from that. I feel like if you husband, if you husband, just man, just compliment your wife. I appreciate why she has done what she’s doing for her and for you. Because remember, that’s the image of our God. That’s the you know, as soon as you husband, you’re the image of her God, you know, reflects you what you do what you say, you know, you don’t want to feel like you don’t want to say negative stuff to your husband or wife gives you already heard so many times. Were there in the past, whether her work or friends study, you know, I just feel like that’s that’s enough. Just say something nice that you really liked about her. You really liked about him. And I feel like that’s sometimes he just assuming that she likes it. That that you that she knows that you like that you like it? And you don’t say it. He didn’t say thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that you say those things, that what I did, because if you’re like she noticed those things, or he noticed those things. You know, I keep thinking about the a lot of times that husbands I’m talking about husbands right because I see and I live in New York City right? Like they they don’t really bother you and honor their wives and they start saying some things about their wives with their friends. And I feel like what will you say such a things with your friends? Why will you say that and you’re going to leave with your wife. Like what did you do? When when you first saw her you know when you first saw him and then you years and months whatever you go hang out with your friends and this are talking about how your houses you know as miserable. Do you’re not happy there what happened? What happening there? And I feel like she’s, you know, Aren’t you grateful that your wife choose you? Like, she can choose anyone else. But she, she choose you?

25:18
Like, you know, there is a saying that if like if there is food that you don’t want and someone else wanted it, you’re not compliment your, your your wife, someone else is looking at your wildlife. She’s the most beautiful lady. She’s the most beautiful lady. And they’re not going to say or at least some of them they’re not when they’re want to say, like, you know, you’re how lucky you are, you have a wife like that. A lot of men won’t say that. Because one is because we don’t want to think or feel that is my friend got a crush on my wife. Because he’s he says some something nice about my wife. You know, but wife can say that, you know, but I feel like men, especially those men, those very, very jealous have the problem because I had that problem before. Man, that is not life. That is like, painful inside of you. And in your in your in your wife, your wife is not being authentic to you. She’s not, she’s not. She’s not going to be 100 100% for you, because she’s afraid to act the way you act before. You know, I feel like the reason why I talk about mostly about husbands is because I’ve seen husband so much these respecter wipes. And just like screaming on the street, I’m like, Why are you screaming on the street? What are you trying to show to everybody that you’re the man of the house by screaming on the street, respect your wife. Because the way that you talk to your wife, whether if you’re if you’re right, you know, I feel like I keep thinking about this image, like, if every men will give birth to one child, man, you will appreciate more your wife, because the painful that they had to go through the pain that they get, they had to go through, not just keep birth. Now forget about the first trimester. You know, that’s one not a lot of like, hormones are moving around, and then they, you get tired of it. But you don’t want to deal with a wife like that. You know, and she’s trying to deal with her body that would hurt, she can help it is just part of the creation of our guy that is making that happen. If you’re not into the light, like if you’re not close to that, like, step by step by step side by side with her and look at the pain that she got to go through. But she won’t complain. But your complain about your job, because I had complain about my job, well quit my by my jobs, because I had two jobs. And I wanted to quit my jobs because I didn’t want to handle that. A you know, my wife, she was like, you know, how did you think about you know, they don’t want to, you know, lose you your her worker, they don’t want to lose you. You know, and another thing about like, you know, you’re right, you know, and I like what I do, I I work and I work I put my 100% Every, every time i i start in you know in those jobs, and I want to put more than my 100% on my own with my wife with my family. Because I feel like that’s that’s not a job that people say I’m doing all this job I feel like you choose that responsibility. It’s not a job dad because I feel like a job you get paid I feel like responsibilities that you things that you had to do and you choose that way and you choose that you choose that image of God that weight of God who has put you and if you’re looking for gaining something back I feel like you’re ended up more in pain not you for your when it hurt more the other person and your kids. Man we have so many so many friends that we had like their their babies right there. You’re born babies and then they’re not even your old and then they separated. The separated you know, and I feel like husbands I feel like why like why? Because the hormones and their their their ladies that you know there’s so much need is just so much of their body. Why something and we can explain, but we have somebody, it’s just painful when to see single moms, you know, they had to deal with,

30:13
with the babies and child support and this whole thing and the husband, you know, they get to easy way because they not give birth to the child. They see it, but they cannot experience it. You know, and they we always complain about Yeah, but it’s Hershey, they say D or say something. But I feel like just sit calm and look how your wife just went through just give a life out of you know, life. Like that, that poor little child, right? I feel like, sometimes when we’re trying to do something, celebrate something, we had to figure out how we can invite our parents, because they’re the boss, and we don’t want them to bring their spouse either as pounds because the relationship did not end that well. We don’t have that awkwardness in front of our children. So sometimes we feel that we don’t want to invite our, for our families, rather, just invite our friends. You know, and I feel like if your husband can just bless bless it be blessed to your family. And just, you know, just look at your kids eyes, look at your kids, I innocent, don’t know anything about this world. But you know so much about this world about how much of the pain you had caused so much of the pain people have cost to you. And you want to leave your you know, with that generation about compassion, to love one another. And to not went through what you went through, you know, by loving and it’s, it’s okay, like sometimes, you know, we get mad, we get frustrated or our kids because they just want to irritation, you know, give your child attention. Maybe you can hide that attention when you grow up. And that, that a lot that you that you get it that a lot and you pass it on to your kids. And but you you know, we’re not aware of that. And let’s pass it on all the positive things to our kids. Not those things that we that we went through with our child like we wish their parents did this for us say these things for us give a case for us. You know, for example, my parents, you know, my dad never kiss me in the chicken never hug me that I remember. Never. You know, and I feel like my little too much for my kids. Because I hug them and kiss them too much that they tell me like puppy at the not ask you to kiss me. And I’m sorry, buddy. Can I give you a kiss is like yes, but yes, a little bit. Like okay, that’s enough. Because I feel like I don’t you know, like sometimes we’re too much. Sometimes we you know, we give our kids something that we didn’t have a lot of technologies. Right. And I see in you know, yeah, that’s a good point. I seen like kids were like 10 years old. They have those brand new Galaxy phones iPhone, whatever. Right? And I just had this you know, somebody asked her friends or church Hey, if you don’t want any old phones, we can use them. And we use them. When we see this 10 year old kids how those the newest iPhone that I think it costs more than $1,000 because their parents are our parents did not give us what but what we have, so we give that to our children. And I feel like To me that’s we we bring into our kids who are completely like crushing their lives because they don’t know where that thing’s coming from. You know, and they don’t know how hard it is to get it. You know because you got to pay for insurance without so you get a pay down of course parents have to pay that you’re not going to find at seven year old paying for that phone completely you know, I mean my kids sometimes they get excited when they find a coin on the on the on the on the ground and then they collect it and then we go to $1 store and they buy their toy whatever, you know, buy they collected and I feel like you know is Easy for me to just give him $3 for $1 that they can get it. But I feel like they had to.

35:08
They had to work for it. I’m not saying we’re for like get a you got to do something I’m like, think about it. Like sometimes we go it’s you know, it’s your son or your birthday right and then some people to keep toys, some clothes some of them they give $20 Right and then that’s $20 you say them for for I mean at least we we I say for for my kids and then we’re like oh hey and they know they’re aware now they’re like, but this person give me money they don’t know money, how much it is. And then we’re like okay, so you bought whatever you want on this on this one toy and then you you pick it and then you get changed and you put her on the you know on the jar or whatever. But anyway, I feel like just about encouraging husbands managers encourage your wife love who she’s what she’s kiss I feel like here’s what my wife is saying like sometimes my weakness is that she can she can see it and she can help me through that and hurt Wheaton is the same thing as I can do that they’re hurt he’s sometimes won’t be rotating you know we were like but she’s not you know I keep thinking of in my head it can help it that you know she asked for advice to her family said but you know this man that lacquers like him so much but he’s not Baba does this and of course it family just wanted the best for her and they say like well you know he he he has two jobs but he doesn’t have a career and I think about jobs and Courier this at a career boot means mostly these were lawyer like a higher pay person with you had to dress something nice and hot to jobs that I don’t have to work nice I just had to wear the clothes and shoes that they’re not supposed to look they’re $200 you know and and now that I talk about sometimes me my wife is like thank God that we are different. We are different because we cannot marry two to two lawyers to precedence two CEOs we know we get because now we start compete to each other you know you making more money you making less money you got more savings are gonna lay savings you know all those things and then like yours yours Your ended up I mean I feel like hurting each other and I’m not saying out for all of us use you know there’s some teachers Maritsa teachers you know and but not work in the same classroom. If I can explain you know what I mean? I feel like it’s okay and then that’s wonderful if they can they like it they love it and man you know I’m go for that but you had to recognize their weakness to one another and their strength to one another. So you can help each other. You sometimes I you know, I feel like I cannot do this. I cannot do this and more. I was like, by you’ve done this before and you know, and then I started looking about my son I’m like, Yeah, I think I can I can do it. You know, but she needs to know that she needs to see that but I feel like she sees that and then she helps me to see that. That I can do better or, or I can do that thing because I’ve done that before. But I feel like just husbands made us encourage your wives choosing encouragement, tell her. Why you like about her. Starting today tomorrow. Today I will say because we don’t know what’s tomorrow we don’t have insurance about the insurance will be ahead of her Carson water. If we crash our cars tomorrow. We don’t have cars. But if you have a car’s tomorrow, and then you crash and then insurance pay write us we don’t have the insurance or lives we had insurance our life returned life for our gut. So stars say something currently to your wife about what you like about her while you like her body while you like that she did yesterday or today. Or you like her eyes, her hair. Her lips something my wife is because I tell her a lot about lips and the eyes but you know just encourage to to your wife mean, you know, I feel like we lost that so many, so many of those things, because we’re focused on our jobs.

40:10
You know, even humming, I can’t help it, just looking at other reviews of my, you know, my wife on the podcast, right? Now there is one person that is saying, like, I don’t like this, blah, blah, blah about this, I think she’s promoting about this, the reason why she says about porn addiction is because no one talks about it, no one talks about it. And if you go to a church, maybe one time we’ll talk about your church, your pastor, because no one talks about it. And, you know, this is not like, promoting is a way for you to be aware of that, that no one talks about it. And if you can start talking about with your spouse, with your kids, you know, your addictions, because I had that addiction before, if I can talk openly with my kids about, you know, about that, not addictions, because they don’t know about that, but something that it could affect them in I feel like, you know, that person that forgot what is saying that but something like, you know, maybe you don’t like about this and and thank you so much for for even, you know, saying those things, because some other people, they left a review of that and said, you know, for for this person that is says that? That is not actually I don’t know exactly, but kind of like no one talks about it. In some wives they even mentioned, when they leave a review, about, you know, encouraging, like, Bella, thank you so much for doing all the job that you do. Because a lot of people, a lot of us, we don’t want it to the kind of job that what you do. Because we no one, no one wants to talk about it. You know, because leave us someone you know, someone has to say someone has to call, someone has to say, because I can’t say it. Right. But I’m sure someone will, someone will say and if and if, you know, if you had a reboot, encourage to encourage it, you know, you think that that my wife don’t see the reviews, you know, sometimes she you know, I not sometimes I look at other reviews over and over and over again. And I tell my wife all this, you know, positive things, you know, and I feel like that helps so much to spread another marriage, another mother and other father, another son is about to get married. And, you know, like it helps so much. But you know, there’s always someone, there’s always someone that is not happy. You know? And if you’re in a feel like, you know, you had the best experience whatever you did you go you had the best experience, right? You know, like, I wish everybody can experience this. But there’s someone will say I had a terrible experience and leave a bad review. Right? And you’re like, what, it was amazing, blah, blah, it just wasn’t for that person for that capital for that family. But why do we have to say this negative stuff, you know, like, Okay, you didn’t like it by you know, there’s always someone, whether your job, or your neighbor, your neighborhood. Or friends, someone’s that you disagree. And I feel like that’s the, you know, sadly, that’s the nature that sometimes we like it, we already we started saying this things that we don’t know that that person works so hard for that job to for that business. Right, put our families that sacrifice our things, and then they try to accommodate you in trying to say like, all those wonderful things, right? But and then yet, someone will say like, No, it’s not good enough. And you know, when that family like, oh, man we’re doing we’re 100% and they’re still popular or not, you still people are not happy with it. Because there are going to be people that are not happy with you know, we always need more, we always want more. And I feel that if we focus more on the positive things that what God has blessing us, and I feel like that you start seeing the beauty around you. You know just walking on the street. You know, like do you get to see it, that you get to see it a lot of people can see it that you get to hear it that you get to hear that a lot of people cannot hear it that they wish they can hear what you’re saying but they cannot hear it that you can smell that you can speak

44:56
Alright, well we are going to pick up here where we’ve left off Just a quick summation of what we’ve talked about so far with the easygoing qualities and ways that you can proactively insert them into your marriage is, number one, be playful. Number two, extend the timeline. Number three, it rely on each other strengths, number four, compliment and encourage each other. And my husband was kind enough to share quite a lot about that. And the final one is he just began speaking about gratitude, which is humongous in the main maintaining an easy marriage and a peaceful, calm, joyful, life and home. It’s, it’s gratitude. So great, well talk to you soon.

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I think this has been something I’ve wondered and I know the wives I’ve worked with have thought their husbands were.

Maybe you’re a husband and you’re concerned that you might be too? Maybe you’re a wife and think your husband is.

I mean there’s a lot less scriptures about sex in the bible than there are about other things right? 

Well…Have you heard all the scriptures about golf? And yet, people spend a lot of time golfing. Or playing football. Or doing make up or hair or clothes. Or horsebackriding… And yet, we spend a lot of time and energy on our specific hobbies.

Yet the Bible does have A LOT to say about sex. The wrong type of sex and how to fill that desire. I want to walk you through scriptures and my own insights over the years, that I hope you God would give you a lot of freedom through this podcast and you wouldn’t feel the concern but you would align your heart with the way God views and wants you to view sex with your spouse. 

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah. Rose.

0:21
Hey, there, welcome, welcome. This is belah rose, thank you for joining, I wanted to invite you, first and foremost to a webinar that I’m having June 2. Now, I had the webinar on May 24, this past Friday, and it was extremely successful. I’m so grateful. I received several testimonials already of just not only, you know, one gentleman said, Oh, my gosh, now you’ve got me crying. You know, while he was on the webinar, and another gentleman said that he actually invited his wife on the webinar, and they watch it together. And she said it was helpful. And he’s thank you with a million explanation points. All right, I’m exaggerating, probably four explanation points. And then anyway, it’s just been really fantastic to hear that by God’s grace, it’s already opened up marriages. Now the title of the webinar is the seven blocks to her libido, remove these for generous intimacy in your marriage. So I’m hopeful that you will be able to attend it’s a live webinar, which basically is a classroom online, and you’ll be able to see me, no one else is going to be able to see you. It’s a private setting. If you’ve never used a webinar before, it’s very easy, I actually am going to be using an easier platform than I did the last one. So it’ll be very easy for you to just jump on. And I hope you’re going to be able to be there live, because that means you’re going to be able to interact with me on the chat. And it’s just going to be fantastic. Previously, I said don’t join with your wife. But I actually have now had responses of people who did join with their wives. And it was actually helpful. So maybe I was wrong about that. So go ahead and invite her if you feel like you’re at a pretty good spot. And she may be open to this kind of stuff, or, you know, who knows what God might do. But definitely for your own sake, you should join so that you can get Yeah, just an understanding of what might be blocking her. Or if you’re a wife, what’s blocking you? What are the underlying reasons that you are not interested in intimacy at this juncture of your life, even if you used to be? Because a lot of times I’m working with clients who used to be really gung ho about sex, and now they’re just like, No, I cannot do it. Awesome. So I hope to see you there. And let’s talk about this topic, being obsessed with sex. Now, I have done this work for years. And that has come to mind in my own heart. Am I obsessed with this stuff? Why? You know, why do I feel almost like this is wrong to to be so focused on it? So let’s go ahead and dive in to this topic.

3:38
All right, a number of wives that I’ve worked with have just felt so frustrated with their husbands like, if he’s a man of God, why is he so focused on sex? I mean, shouldn’t he be focused on the Word of God? Shouldn’t he be focused on ministry, there’s so much else to be focused on. And I definitely understand that and I hear that all the time. Before I really dive into this conversation, I want to just recognize that I seek to give very careful guidance on this. I want to just point out two scriptures that have come to mine, James three, one, it says Not many of you should be teachers, my fellow believers because you know, that we who teach will be judged more strictly. And if that wasn’t essentially scary enough, we’ve got another really wonderful verse of Jesus saying, in Luke 17, Jesus said to His disciples, it is inevitable that stumbling blacks will come, but woe to the one through whom they come, it would be better for him to have a millstone hung around his neck and to be thrown into the sea than to cause one of these little ones to stumble. Which essentially, a millstone I looked it up, at least in the 1800s was 3000 pounds. So even if it was a fraction of that, the point is you would drowned. So I am sobered by that. And I think, as I’ve started this work years ago, I was just under the impression that I’m sharing my thoughts. And this is kind of helpful for people, but it’s only become much more recently that I’m like, oh my goodness, this is, this is bonafide teaching. This is what is, you know, by God’s grace, really changing the course of people’s lives and marriages and families and generations, literally, because of my teaching. And so I’m, I’m recognizing that you that I cannot hold what I say on this podcast lightly, because by God’s grace, it’s affecting people around the world. So I guess I want to just start out the conversation with husband, wife, you who, who’s listening, maybe even someone who’s potentially getting married soon, which, obviously, there’s, there’s tons of those in the world that listen, thank, thankfully, is as they’re preparing, but you know, is there an obsession with sex, maybe in their own heart in, you know, their lives of their spouse, you know, just this concern? So, let me just talk a little bit more about, you know, when I have started stretching myself into the things that I hadn’t explored before. Yeah, I got concerned. I got concerned whether or not I was exploring things that I shouldn’t be exploring. How far is too far? So as I teach women and men one on one, and clients have this concern, why is my husband wanted all the time? Maybe I’m just holier than him. Or, you know, shouldn’t he be disciplining his mind so that he’s not thinking about that all the time. So again, in a sober minded way, I want to give some insights to you. And I’m going to be speaking to the wife. But I know many husbands listen to this. So I think I want you to also be kind of challenging your own heart as you’re listening. So, dear wife, you have been given this husband, you know, we all have different needs in this life. Some some spouses have disabilities, maybe they have mental health challenges, which is huge. I’ve never really did it. Dove didn’t know into that in this podcast. But that’s a huge, I think it’s one might be one. And I think it’s 18% of the population have significant mental health things that

8:24
actually really affects marriages, not to mention just illnesses. And then just Everyone has weaknesses. We all have emotional needs, physical needs, spiritual needs. We all have different personality needs. And then something I want to even dive more into is sinful proclivities. So when you’re stressed, you might be someone who snaps at your kids. Your spouse may need to be the person to support you, in helping you through those stressful moments or seasons, so that you don’t sin in this way. Or you might worry more than the next person and your spouse might be the one to help you see the situation in a more hopeful and faith based light. Or you might be an achiever. But that means you have have to be very careful about greed, and storing up your treasure in on Earth and your spouse might be the one to inspire you to use your gifting to give to those who don’t have that ability, or to give to the areas of life that really are more important than storing up treasure on Earth. Or maybe God has given you incredible prophetic giftings but you need your spouse to be helping you walk circumspect and be very careful that you’re submitting yourself to living out the fruits of the Spirit. Love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. So we all have, you know, I just mentioned sinful proclivities I mentioned, anger, I mentioned worry, I mentioned greed, I mentioned, lacking character, lacking the fruits of the Spirit. So, Luke 12, four is a very sobering passage, it says, I tell you, my friends, this is from Jesus, do not be afraid of those who kill the body. And after that can do no more. So that’s pretty dramatic, right? And don’t be afraid of those who kill you. And then in verse five, it says, but I will show you whom you should fear, fear the one who, after you have been killed, has the power to throw you into hell, yes, I tell you fear him. But then in verse six, it says, are not five sparrows sold for two pennies, yet not one of them is forgotten by God. And even the very hairs on your head are numbered. So do not be afraid you are worth more than sparrows. So that’s extremely sobering. And at the same time, encouraging. And so you need someone to help you with that, to recognize there is fear of God, you should be living out in your life. And at the same time, that same God cares so deeply about you, that he knows the intimate details of things you don’t even know yourself, when was the last time you counted the hairs on your head. I’ve never done it myself. So that you need that you need that. So a lot of times people say things like they interprets that first scripture in Genesis where the wife, you know, Eve was created, and it says that she was the helpmate. That’s usually how the Bible’s translations say what that means that that first but that, that that word is actually used over and over in Scripture. And what helpmate actually is, is as are connected. And so the two words together, his helper and then meet, but let’s, let’s break those two words down connect

12:54
means equal part of a whole. And it’s perfectly corresponds to the other part. It’s needed. Its equal, and opposite. Victor Hamilton says what God created for Adam exists will exactly correlate with him. It’s like the North Pole in the South Pole. No one debates about who’s better who’s higher, right? Then Ezer, that is actually used 21 times that word. In the Old Testament. Two times in generous Genesis. It’s described for women, three times, it’s described for a powerful nation that comes to help save the nation of Israel. The other 16 times it is used to describe God. And it’s God who’s giving the type of help to save His people. It’s powerful. It’s used in a military context, and its people in danger. Like the scripture of I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from? Or it’s about Jesus, it’s about God’s sending help to his people who desperately need it. So it’s not a helpmate like an assistant. But it’s a help like a life saver. Like a life support. So as you’re connected as a wife, you are your savior, your equal counterpart, Savior to your husband. So your husband has giftings that the world needs that God needs in this world. And at the same time, he can fall in it can literally destroy his soul. It’s that serious.

14:58
You know your husband Bend is, is by God’s grace gifted in spiritual things. He’s got personality giftings he’s got wisdom and strengths. You know, he is susceptible, at the same time, to sexual appetites. He has sexual appetites, and even Jesus acknowledged it. So I want to talk about Matthew 12. Starting at verse three. Then some Pharisees came and tested him by saying, Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife? For any reason? Jesus answered, have you not read that from the beginning, the Creator made them male and female, and said, For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one flesh? Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate. Why, then, they asked, Did Moses order a man to give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away? Jesus replied, It was because of your hardness of heart, that Moses permitted you to divorce your wives. But it was not this way from the beginning. Now I tell you that Whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery. His disciples said to Him, if this is the case, between a man and a wife, it is better not to marry. This is the key verse I want you to hear. Jesus says, Not everyone can accept this word, he replied, but only those to whom it has been given. For there are Unix who are born that way. Others were made that way by men. And still others live like UNIX for the sake of the kingdom of heaven, the one who can accept this should accept it. So even Jesus was saying, this is a gift to not marry. Right? He says, only those to whom it has been given. It’s a gift if you’re able not to marry, because he’s saying that if you aren’t making love with a wife with your wife, it’s like you’re living like a unike. Like a man who does not have a penis. That’s how dramatic it is when you’re not making love. So taking note of that, dear wife, if your husband’s not making love with his wife, it’s like he’s living like a unike. But he’s married. And God did not give him the gift of being like a UNIQ where others live like UNIX for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Jesus acknowledged this. And it didn’t. It wasn’t a map. It wasn’t, you know, it wasn’t the fear of emasculating like it is today. What it is now it what it is, is actually, you know, he, he felt, I mean, it was an honor right to give more to the kingdom of heaven, because you’re not distracted by sex. But if if your husband is married, he has not been given the gift of being able to live like a unike. Now, Paul even acknowledged us no, of course, another person who was so dramatic in the kingdom of heaven, but also was celibate. He talked about this in First Corinthians, he says, Now, for the matters, you wrote about, it is good to abstain from sexual relationship relations. But because there is no there are so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman, her own husband, the husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise, the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband, likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife.

19:22
So this is biblical. Just this is my side note. This is biblical. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband, okay, that’s biblical. Just FYI, it’s a bad strategy. If you’re trying to enact that and force that in your marriage, it’s going to backfire. And if you’ve done that, if you’ve brought up this verse to your wife, more than likely, there’s a lot of issue there. Come on to the webinar coming up June 2, and you’re going to learn what is really going on in her heart when that has happened and how to understand now how to uproot that. So she’s actually going to want to share her body with you and want to give you authority over it. Rather than taking it and her resisting and, you know, having just this complete wall up because of your previous interactions around sex, and I totally get it. If you guys have had arguments around like all you want to sex and back and forth, and back and forth and so much pain around that, I get it. And that’s what I want to talk to you about. I want to help you there. But anyway, Paul goes on in verse five, Do not deprive one another except by mutual consent and for a time, so you may Devote yourselves to prayer, then come together again, so that Satan will not tempt you through your lack of self control. I say this as a concession, not as a command, I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God. Once again, think about it, there’s a gift. That’s the gift God has given Paul is celibacy. If you are married, your husband did not receive that gift. Paul continues, one has this gift. One has another verse eight. Now to the unmarried and widows I say this, it’s good for them to remain unmarried as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, let them marry For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. So Paul said, because of sexual immorality, have your own spouse? No, of course, in our society? I would say I mean, certainly I didn’t leave live back then. And there were temple prostitutes, and there was all sorts of, you know, orgies and all this stuff going on, you know, probably, you know, just like it is today. I think it’s exacerbated in our culture, I think. I mean, I live in New York City’s sex is everywhere, right? You’ve got billboards, and just hookup culture, and all sorts of really awful things. But really, wherever you live in the world, it’s there to write under your noses. And right at the end of your fingertips on your phone, there’s, you know, tons and tons and tons of very sad, sad, you know, people that are that are addicted to this kind of stuff, sexual sin. So, anyway, let me move towards something important, I think that women need to see that often is overlooked. You probably have seen tons and tons and tons of verses around not committing sexual immorality. And there’s even whole chapters in the Bible around not committing adultery, or going towards the prostitute or all of these kinds of things. And I think as women so many times, it’s like, yeah, I know, he should not do that stuff. This is important. And that’s the way she responds to these verses. But instead, I think the wise wife should recognize that this is such a temptation for your husband, that God has to remind him over and over and over and over again. Don’t do that, my son don’t do that. It is going to destroy you. It’s going to destroy your your, your soul. Let me let me just focus on one time that you know one chapter that it’s talking about this. Proverbs five. You know, this is written by the wisest man in the whole world aside from Jesus, this is King Solomon. He says my son,

23:57
pay attention to my wisdom. Turn your ear to my words of insight, that you may maintain discretion and your lips may preserve knowledge for the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil. But in the end, she is bitter as gol sharp as a double edged sword. Her feet go down to death, and her steps lead straight to the grave. She gives no thought to the way of life her paths wander aimlessly, but she does not know it. Now then my sons Listen to me. Do not turn aside from what I say. Keep to a path far away from her. Do not get near to the door of her house, lest you lose your honor to others and your dignity to one who is cruel. Less strangers, feast on your wealth and your toil enrich the house of another. At the end of your life, you will groan when your flesh and body are spent, you’ll say how I hated discipline, how my heart spurned correct I would not obey my teachers or turn my ear to my instructors, and I was soon in serious trouble in the assembly of God’s people. And then in verse 15, it says, drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed. And may you rejoice in the wife of your youth, a loving doe, a graceful deer, May her breasts satisfy you always? And may you ever be intoxicated with her love? Why am I Sunday intoxicated with another man’s wife? Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman for the ways for your ways are in full view of the Lord. And he examines all your paths, the evil deeds of the wicked, ensnare them, the cords of their sins, hold them fast, for lack of discipline, they will die let astray by their own great folly. So it’s very clear that adultery for every every, you know, sexual immorality, is absolutely soul crushing, and leads to death. But then there’s this beautiful part where we as wives have an opportunity in verse 19, a loving doe, a graceful deer may her breasts and he’s talking about the wife, May her breasts satisfy you always, may you will ever be intoxicated with her love. You talking about literal intoxication. So as a wife, you have the opportunity to save your husband out of death, out of death. And it’s not just, you know, something, this is metaphorical. But did you notice how it says for the ways for your ways are in full view of the Lord and he examines all your paths. Like the Lord cares about your husband’s sexuality, it’s very important that he is sexually pure. And so as a wife, we can intoxicate our husbands, to help him to save him from the temptations of the world. He needs to do what God wants him to do in this world. He needs to be that soldier that God wants him to be to bring disciples of, of men just like we are, we’re supposed to be disciples, we’re supposed to be bringing disciples of Jesus.

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And you can be the woman that saves him from such an abysmal pain and misery, and potentially eternity of that, you know, by God’s incredible mercy and grace. You know, I’ve worked with clients where their husband, one in particular was coming to mind as a husband was sex starved, and they had an absolutely horrible marriage was headed for divorce. And she told me that several times she was concerned about whether or not she was going to separate from him and all these things. And then, by God’s grace, it’s just completely turned around. He had no desire to do anything with church. And now by God’s grace, they go every single Sunday, and it’s just incredible. And my own husband, you know, was completely against it had no desire, and through generous lovemaking now is an incredible member of the church, dedicated his life to Jesus serves the community and has become an incredible man of God of character. Love for Me, all of his sexual immorality, he’s free from in terms of all sorts of addictions, and by God’s grace. You know, I have the the honor and the privilege of giving him that intoxication. So here’s what I think is very important. Is that as a wife, you know, maybe you’re thinking, Well, I just don’t think it’s right, to really indulge in sexuality with my spouse. Here’s what I find as a wife is that it is a discipline for me to serve in love through sexual intimacy. I find it is a discipline of service. I have and have had to discipline myself to remember to be consistent. I’ve got a low sex drive, so it’s not Something that my body just consistently reminds me of, sometimes it does, which is, you know, great, but sometimes it just doesn’t. And I’ve got to have an internal clock of our internal tracking of, okay, it’s been a couple days, let’s get this moving again, let’s get going. And this is going to be fun and great. And I’ve got to do my, you know, Faith statements and all my fancy clothes and you know, dancing in the mirror, whatever I need to do to make sure this happens, I’ve got to make sure I’ve got clothing, I’ve got to make sure that I have respect for him. Right, because if, if I’m not respecting him, he doesn’t want to have sex with someone just didn’t disrespect him or going to Mother him or any of those things. I’ve got to hold my tongue, I’ve got to be grateful for all the incredible ways and who he is, as a man, as a person as my husband, I’ve got to have consistent attention to the way he feels loved through sex. So what are the areas what are the activities, I’ve got to have discipline of my own confidence in myself and my body, I’ve got to have a discipline of not comparing myself to others. And those are the kinds of disciplines that ultimately make me a better person for God. Disciplining myself to not compare myself to others to disciplining myself to have confidence that God can use me, you know, these are things. And truly, most of all, it’s a discipline of tying myself to Jesus, first and foremost, that I’m tethered to him, to give me strength to love my husband, and truly save him in the ways that he needs to be saved. So he can leave my home and have all the intense temptations of this world again, at his very fingertips, not to mention the woman and the ridiculous clothes walking down the street and the advertisement of the woman of the bikini and all these kinds of things. You know, he can leave my home with immense remind, uh, you know, memories of being intoxicated with my love, so that he, he doesn’t have to go down to she all he doesn’t have to go down to death, that his sin doesn’t tether him to soul crushing. Ultimately, what God will judge him for, because his sexuality is right before the Lord and God cares about his sexuality. It’s a big deal. And my husband has to save, he has to be diligent to save me in the ways I need to be saved. Remember, as Christ loved the church, that’s how the husband treats the wife. He’s got to be darn diligent for me at the same time.

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So let me remind you, of the first and greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength, everything. That’s how you love the Lord your God. I feel like I, I think about that verse. More than any other verse, I think, I’m pretty sure. And I feel so far away from that. And I asked God on a consistent basis to help me love him with all helped me to love him with all help me to love him with my mind, my soul helped me to, you know, there’s so much sin and darkness on my heart, you know, how do I love him with all and I think only by God’s grace, that he helps us with that, and only by Jesus sacrifice that we can even approach that and, and truly, you know, when we get to Judgment Day, ultimately, it is only by Jesus blood that we’re able to even stand there. But that is his command is to love him with all and then the second is like it to love your neighbor as yourself. And in priority, your husband comes as your first neighbor, closest one to you. Hopefully he’s waking up on the next side of the bed, side of the bed right beside you. After that. It’s your kids, and then it’s your ministry. Everything else is after that. So after loving, God is loving your husband. Now your husband should never come before God. But you are serving God by loving your husband. I think God can convict your husband out of perversion. A lot better than you can. So if you feel like there’s perversion going on for him, God can convict him of that. I would suggest if you feel convicted about some specific activities that he either has asked you to do, or you all have done in the past, here’s what I would do. I would ignore those specific activities, but get really, really good, and become an incredible lover in these other activities that you do feel free in. And those other the ones that he originally was really interested in, they might just fade away. The other idea is that you might become more open to these other ones, as your mind starts to understand that they truly are in line with the sexual freedom that you are opening up to, as you grow. But first and foremost, tether yourself to Jesus, and be your husband, Savior, and then way he needs it. And be naked and unashamed, and come together. As Jesus said, It says it in so many ways. In the Bible, where it says, Therefore a man shall leave his foot father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. That is all about sex. It’s all about making love. So be your husband’s, as her ConnectOne that savior, kind of woman, and truly, give your husband incredible, incredible intoxication in intimacy. Let me pray for you. Father God, I ask in Jesus name, Lord, for the wife, that’s listening, Lord. God, this is not an easy thing to open up to, based on her past, based on maybe what has been done to her maybe just the lack of insight that anyone gave her growing up. Maybe she’s been ashamed or thought sex was gross and dirty all of her life, Father garden, and how can she flip the switch? Now after being married, maybe she has been married for decades, and she still hasn’t been able to flip that switch, and has felt like his desire has been sinful and wrong. I pray in Jesus name that you would just begin to open that up and change that Lord, in Jesus name God, you can do that. And most of all, Lord, I pray that every person listening, Lord, that we would love you with all with all our hearts, with all our souls with all our minds with all our strength that God

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Father, what does that look like practically in our lives? Not just because we listened to something that was interesting, this podcast but Lord, that they would truly that I would truly how do we practically live this? God help us that this life is but a vapor here today and gone tomorrow. Lord, how do we truly love you with all during the time the limited, very short time that we have on this earth? Thank you for everything you’ve given us every opportunity we have to love you. And I pray that you would grow our ability to love our husbands, to love our wives. Whomever is listening Lord, guard capacity, in Jesus name. Amen.

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Thank you so much for listening and joining me. I hope that you will be able to join me live at some June 2 730. Eastern Standard Time 7:30pm and sign up at www dot delight your marriage.com/the number seven B l o c ks. Again, that’s delight your marriage.com/seven blocks and the title of the webinar is the seven blocks to her libido. Remove these four generous intimacy in your marriage. God bless you. And I hope that I will speak to you more soon.

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Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion