Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Can things really change? “It’s been 5, 10, 25 years, how could this ever be different?”

Suffering in marriage makes your whole life suffer—kids, job, ministry, peace, walking in the fruits of the spirit, sexual fulfillment, chastity in thoughts, satisfaction in marriage, covetous thoughts of other marriages, sin in many places, not starting the ministries God has called you to and would thus not touch the many people God wants you too!!

It’s 2019, packed in this message is lots of hope, and practical steps to make changes in you that will greatly impact your marriage!

Here is a testimonial I just received by a wife who has been married 10+ years:

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Can things really change? “It’s been 5, 10, 25 years, how could this ever be different?”

Suffering in marriage makes your whole life suffer—kids, job, ministry, peace, walking in the fruits of the spirit, sexual fulfillment, chastity in thoughts, satisfaction in marriage, covetous thoughts of other marriages, sin in many places, not starting the ministries God has called you to and would thus not touch the many people God wants you too!!

It’s 2019, packed in this message is lots of hope, and practical steps to make changes in you that will greatly impact your marriage!

Here is a testimonial I just received by a wife who has been married 10+ years:

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

WHAT SHOULD YOUR LIFE BE ABOUT AT THE BEGINNING OF 2019?

I used to try to cram all of my goals into the beginning of the year. And I would scramble for a few weeks potentially months—at best and then drop all of them by April.

I’ve learned something very valuable that I wanted to share today. I want to talk to you about exactly how I set my priorities throughout every year. It frees me up to focus, relax and listen to God’s voice.

This year I’m really excited and there’s a lot of really good things! And I want that for you as well. If you want to move your marriage to a place of peace and passion and joy and purpose, I would love to jump on a FREE breakthrough call where you can discover solutions immediately.

Sign up here: https://dym.as.me/ God bless you in 2019!

(If you’re not in my FREE private Facebook group where we discuss intimacy and marriage and purpose in life and I walk with God join here!… Wives only! ) www.facebook.com/groups/delightym/

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Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah. Rose.

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Oh, all right. Well, welcome. Thank you so much for joining. This is belah rose. And it is just about the end of the year 2017. So if you have been tracking with us the entire year, I am so excited that we’re wrapping up now. And it’s a very special time. I think of life these couple of weeks, right around Christmas, right before the New Year. I love it. I love the energy in the air. I love that people are really focused on thinking about family, and thinking about what matters. A lot of people are also thinking about goals and, and next year, and it just seems like there’s so much hope about what they can change in their lives. And I think it’s great. I really do. I think that God has a God of new beginnings, he gives us the opportunity to change, to be new, to have forgiveness. And so I think he loves that we have this inspiration, all of a sudden to be different, to be more aligned with the people we want to become. And that’s what I want to talk to you about today is my journey with that in recent weeks. You know, I ultimately, desire from this podcast to inspire you, to motivate you to encourage you in your marriage. And the reason I choose marriage as the subject for inspiring and motivating you is because it’s the deepest, most wonderful relationship in human pneus. In terms of human relationships, it’s the biggest, it can also be the darkest, the most depressing, most despairing, most strife filled experience in your life. And it affects everything. So that’s why I really focus in on marriage. And when I say it affects everything, it affects the way you parent, it affects the way you are able to work in a job, it affects your ministry, it affects your ability to love other people. Well, you know, if your love deprived in your own marriage, you’re not going to be able to have the emotional capacity to carry other people’s burdens, because you’re so burden in your own heart and you don’t have that freedom to live well. So I want to talk about my own journey. Like I said with that. I want to give more specifics than I often do about my heart and what I’m going through right now. And I think that is actually important. Because certainly, you could view it as well. Bella’s bragging to us or something along those lines. Or you could maybe view it as this is her story. And maybe there are elements of that that I could pick out and it would be applicable to mine as well. And I’m hoping that your response is the latter. Because at any time you’re welcome to stop this episode and not listen to the rest. So if it’s not jiving with you, this episode is not for you. It’s it’s probably for someone else who is listening and decides to listen through to the end. So I am a mom, I have a four and a half year old and almost three year old. And they’re wonderful little boys, very energetic. My husband is a stay at home dad, which I love. And I work full time. And it’s really a cool lifestyle. God has given us a lot of good things, to be able to have that lifestyle. One of the really great things God has given us is the grace to make.

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Make do with less less than a lot of people would be willing to make do with and one of the things that we have chosen is to live in a small space and have few possessions. So one way that we afford to live in New York City is by having a roommate. So we live in a one bedroom apartment and our roommate lives in the one bedroom. And so we have the living room space as our bedroom and we built a room room that juts into that living room space. And that room, like I said, we built, and that actually is the boys room. So my husband was so cool because he also built the bunk bed that they live in. So we’ve just been really creative with the means and the ways that God has given us, my husband did a lot of research online to figure out how to build that bunk bed. So instead of it costing hundreds of dollars, I think it costs less than 50, which was really cool. And that’s kind of the way we functioned in all of our lives is that, you know, if, if we can’t afford it, we just figure it out, we just find a way or we or we just do without, that’s that’s a big piece of it. We don’t go on vacations or big dates, extravagant things we don’t often go out to eat, there’s lots of things we just do without because my bigger value is to spend time with my family than it is to make so much money that I don’t have time with them. But I have so many responsibilities at work, I have to be constantly on my phone to check email throughout the day, and I’m never present with them. So those are some some ways that we’ve kind of oriented our life, to work within the values that we desire. I think the other reason I wanted to share some of the details around my life is to help someone else may be see that there’s another way to live. I think sometimes, unless we see someone breaking the mold, sometimes we don’t even realize there is a mold. We think that this is the only way to do or to be. And suddenly someone goes off the path. And we’re like, Oh, there’s another way to do this. I don’t have to do it. Like my parents did it, I don’t have to do it. Like, the people around me did it or my my friends are doing it or the culture around me is doing it. The other thing that we do is we stay in the place that we live, because of the community we feel God wants us to be a part of, you know, my husband and I were trying to even just kind of as a thing to think about is how much would we need to be offered in terms of money for us to move out of the community we live in? We were just trying to put a price tag on it. Would it be $100,000? Would it be $200,000? Would it be $500,000 for us to move away from this community? This place right here? And honestly, no. I really believe this is where God wants us. This community. He is growing us. He’s blessing us, the people in our church have sewn into our kids and sewn into our lives. And we’re connected here, we’re growing here, I think this is where God wants us to be the people we’re loving, we’re in for the long term. You know, Christianity is not a shot, like, you know, you can jump in there, tell them you know, give them a track and jump out and they’re gonna believe in Jesus for the rest of their lives, they’re going to be sold out because they read one track. You know, God sometimes works like that. But you know what, Jesus built relationships with people. He was in the messy he was in the dark, the hard the, you know, gross places, he walked in dirt and mud, you know, he built close friendships, new intimate friendships with these disciples.

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Even, you know, the church and x. And it may be you think, well, Jesus’s ministry was only three years, certainly, but I guess, probably more. So we’re not Jesus that I’d say more. So if you think Look at Acts like these were people that shared lives together. They weren’t like joining in a life with with a group of people. And then like, suddenly, like jerking out of the that community because they, you know, had to go for another job. I mean, certainly they sent off missionaries and those kinds of things, but they stayed in that community. And I think that’s a cultural thing that isn’t necessarily a biblical one. You know, sometimes God calls us to different places, and it’s mission work and that kind of thing. But just the assumption that a job offer means God is calling you to move your family across the country or across the world. I think that might I think it’s a knee jerk reaction which would require a lot of contemplation and processing prayer. That is this God’s will is it, you know, $100,000 Raise really God’s will for every part of our life. So, those are choices, like I said, that we have made that align with our values and kind of have made us where we are right now. And kind of help us help to guide us to I believe, be more attuned to God’s heart, be able to be more attuned, the thing about having simple possessions or not even many possessions, is that it helps us to not crowd our space, our living space, or our minds with things, you know, even desire of things. My wardrobe is very simple, it it essentially is two drawers of clothes. And, well, maybe four, four drawers of clothes. The dresses, I only wear in the summertime, so that’s what I’m thinking about. But I, you know, each each item of clothing I enjoy, and I like to wear. But I couldn’t tell you the last time I went shopping for clothes, that’s not something I value, I think about the poor, the poor children and women and the people in different countries that are literally in sweatshops making those clothing so that we can wear it a few times and throw it out. And that burdens my heart. And I think it’s a luxury in the United States that we never have to see that. But it’s true. That’s where our clothes are coming from. They’re not coming from, you know, the store, they’re coming from another place in another part of the world. And they’re coming from the hands of young people that are not being paid well. So, so that’s just another side. But I tried to be really intentional about what what do we need, as people I mean, by God’s grace, we have bought our kids, probably two sets of clothes, two pairs of shoes at the most, I think as in to two boys, right? So one pair of shoes, the other pair of shoes, and it allows us to receive good things from our friends. You know, it’s the grace of receiving, I think that that’s something we don’t do as a culture is receive that we act like we’re too good to receive. And, and yet that’s it’s a humility thing, you have to be vulnerable to receive, you have to say that, that that means something to you to receive a gift to receive someone else’s clothing. You know, that’s something that really is something I had to work through crickets growing up, it was like, oh, no, no, no, I have plenty, don’t worry, I’ll go buy it. But meanwhile, we’re stretching our pennies to even pay for field trips. And yet we’re pretending that we’ve got plenty to buy new clothes every year. And, and those are not things that we need to buy into. It’s the opposite. So those are just kind of life life, values and things. But here’s what I’ve been really, really challenged on recently that I just didn’t realize, and it was a huge wake up call. And I’m so so grateful to God that He gave me the grace to see this because I was blind. I was completely blind to it. And it might have been God’s grace, it probably was that he allowed me to be blind to it for so long.

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Because I wouldn’t have been able to handle it, maybe I just wouldn’t. So what happened was I got pregnant earlier than I expected. I wasn’t ready, quote, unquote. I felt like I had so many goals to accomplish, and then suddenly I’m pregnant. And, you know, I was pretty quick to think that I had embraced, being pregnant and becoming a mom. And there were certain really cool things. I thought about becoming a mom, I really did. And there were certain things that I fully embraced. I really enjoyed aspects of it. And I could list experiences that were just so meaningful and really beautiful and I loved. But I will say that I still had my my goals. I was a motivated woman. I was a mom, but I also was going to do X, Y and Z alongside it and I and I didn’t. I didn’t take stock of what it means to be a mother. Now in my life So there’s a really cool guy named Pete ska Xero. And I’ve been listened to his stuff recently. He’s just fantastic PE te, Pete SCAZZ Er, oh, oh my gosh, I am learning so much. He’s got a fantastic podcast, just search his name. And he says that success in life is doing God’s will, God’s way, in God’s timing. And I think that God has given me a ton of goals. I’m so goal oriented. It’s crazy. And I think that’s okay. That’s a lot of my personality and the way I get motivated about life, it’s, it’s brilliant. I like it. And by God’s grace, I mean, dy M has come because of that, and my book and my video course, and coaching all these things, because I’m goal oriented. But I do think that, you know, through prayer, through reflection, through doing a lot of hard work, I do think I’ve been working to discern God’s will, in my life. And in even in in, you know, certainly, this constant process. So I’m not saying I’m there. But in terms of previous seasons, I feel like God is leading me, I feel like I’m becoming more close, or closer to his way. But I think, in a lot of these goals, I had the timing mixed up. I really had the timing mixed up. So here’s what happened. My son, who’s four and a half recently started pre K. And I went to our first parent teacher conference. And she said wonderful things about my son really, really encouraging things, a lot of things that I knew, I was like, Oh, he’s, you know, he’s really lovely in these areas. And he works hard. And he’s curious, and he’s adventuresome. And, you know, those are all cool things. But then she told me some things that were not so good, and some things that needed work, and almost like, suddenly hit me that I was not paying attention to my voice. And it’s kind of funny, because the thing she actually said, wouldn’t have told you that, like, if maybe you had heard her words, you might have thought, oh, this, you know, this means this. But to me, it was, I mean, in looking back at it, it had to have been the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Because suddenly, again, my eyes were open to this big gaping, you know, blaring light of, of, I’m not paying attention to my kids, that my kids are on the back burner, and my goals are on the front burner. And they have been maybe, since the kids were born. And I could go for I could tell you all the things that I’ve done since my kids were born. And there’s a lot and I’ve been proud of them. I’ve been proud of this accomplishments. And this is the first time I’m looking at my child’s life and my life during his life. And realizing, gosh, did I miss it? Were my priorities so far, from where they should have been during that time? That i

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i, such foolishness, it feels such foolishness that my attention was on building businesses and, and doing this and doing that and they weren’t on what mattered most during that timing. And so this was super helpful for me, I feel like that, that notion of needing to focus on my kids right now. I was like, Okay, now what can I do practically to put this in a framework or structure, I understand something that’ll get make this kind of theoretical idea, and kind of zero it into. I can look at this. This is a visual I can understand and kind of work with. So here’s what I did. I drew a line on a paper and I put zero on one end, and 100 on another end. And, you know, we’ve all heard the phrase, life is short, and you might not live another day, so give it your all Today, I think that’s great. I think it’s good, but it doesn’t give the long view of life. Because life is actually long. It’s 100 years, could be longer. Certainly, it could be shorter, but plan for the long haul. So that’s what it was zero to 100, high, cut the middle in 50. And then just cut each in half, right? So we got 50. And then I cut it smaller to 25. I cut it smaller to 12 and a half. And I did the same on the other side, I’ve got 50, then 75, cut 75 and a half. And I actually don’t have I didn’t calculate that, because I’m not there yet. So anyway, um, I’m under 50. So after kind of cutting it in half, and I put a star in the spot that I am sorry, guys, I’m not revealing my age right now. So I put the star in where I am. And then I calculated how much like what kind of the big milestones of life in each chunk. And so zero to 12. That was my childhood, right? That was starting to walk talk, elementary school, middle school, going through puberty, all that the next 12 years was a ton, right? That was high school, college, a ton of other things. Growth, like just insane change in that little 12 year chunk. And then the following 12 years is like other big changes and milestones and these things. And I would just encourage you to go through and figure out, you know, what’s happened in your life, these different chunks of years. What of what, what went down, right? And then I, I calculated how long it’s going to be until my kids leave the house. And for me, it’ll be 14 to 15 years. And you know, whether they decide to go to college, or whether they decide to do anything with their lives, they’re gonna leave the house at that point probably in or we might just kick them out. Who knows. So what I realized is that in this giant line, which I would estimate, let’s say eight inches across the amount of those 1415 years is like, a half inch. So we’ve got eight inches of life and a half inch is the little bit of time I get to be a mother that matters so much. See, these kids, these two little humans, their souls are in the balance. Right? They are my responsibility. They’re the only people in the world that I can influence. I mean, I can influence them the most, I’m their mother. There’s never going to be someone like me in their lives. And it was so revelatory for me to realize, like, I have time for that other stuff, all those goals, all those ambitions, all the ways that I want to be in the world and show up and give to people in serving. They’re not bad goals. Really. They’re good goals. They’re They’re wonderful goals. I want to do more coaching, I want to write more books, I want to write more courses I, you know, they’re good, good goals. And,

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and yet, this is my small chunk. And this is what I believe, is God’s will, God’s way in God’s timing. This is God’s timing for this 15 years. And even smaller than that, if I really think about it, it’s like, we’re like eight years before they turn 12. Where it’s really their childhood. That’s really where they get formed. That’s when they understand this is what matters. These are values that I hold. These are my my character traits, this is what matters most in life. This is the kind of person I am that that gets shaped before they’re 12. I mean, think about your childhood, right? You pretty much had yourself established by that point. The rest was like kind of growing into that. But those early years are, are when you can be hurt the most as a person. And think about it that way that those little eight years is then going to be their lifetime worth of different things they have to deal with that happened in their childhood, whether it’s therapy that they’re going to go to or, you know, bad things they’re going to do in the world or wonderful things life giving things souls that they’re going to impact for the Lord. Because of those small eight years that you invested. You were fully focused on and And, you know, obviously I’m saying all these things to myself, because this is all things I learned over the last couple of weeks. So it’s all fresh salt fresh in my mind this little, half inch, quarter inch, if you make it down to eight years, quarter inch of life, a very small percentage of your life, to be fully present, to be fully engaged. And when I say present, it is so fragile, precious, scary, scarce, that’s the word scarce. It’s so scarce. Attention, presence, having your mind in the spot it’s in right now. It’s so scarce, right? Because we’ve got our phones, we can flip through a text message, and I am, you know, an email, Facebook, Instagram, all those things to take our attention, suddenly, are our phones bringing about this thing or that thing? And I’ve got the music on the TV’s on there. I mean, our attention is everywhere. Is there moments, I mean, are there chunks of time where you are focused, where you really have focus. Because think about it, these eight years are the opportunity, you have to focus on a person who’s going to spend 100 years on this earth, what’s gonna matter to them for their 100 years. It’s your eight years, this is your investment. And it’s hard because when you know, in the stage of life, youth is valued in our culture, more than anything else. So it’s like, get your stuff done while you’re young. But the truth is, when you’re 60, when you’re 70, those are wildly productive, wonderful years, where you don’t have a lot of responsibility, you probably have gotten to a place of wealth, you’ve probably gotten to a place of you know, familial of, you know, peace because you’ve finally stopped realize that you don’t want to fight with everybody, you’ve probably grown spiritually, you probably ready to contribute to the world at the timing that God’s ready for you to do that, that, that you’ve matured. people skip Xero also says, on a podcast I listened to recently, he said that his mentor said his most productive years, were in his 60s and 70s. And it’s like, yeah, you know, when I was 24, I was the program manager of nonprofit, of a program in a nonprofit. And I have got to tell you, it was a very short time period that I worked there, just nine months. And the reason is, is because I was 24. And the oldest people that I was serving was 24, as well. And certainly I was mature, and I had a lot of confidence. But the truth is, my heart was in the right place. I wanted to serve them, I wanted to support them, but I hurt more than I helped. And I know that I know, I hurt them. And sometimes we’re like, oh, work doesn’t hurt or whatever. But no, this was people’s lives. And I didn’t have the experience, I didn’t have the wisdom I didn’t have what I needed to have to be able to serve them to love them well. And so for me to be so cocky to think that the goals and the desires God has put in me is for now.

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I think is is short sighted. So I’ve learned from that, I hope I’ve learned little parts from that at least. And my goal is that when I do get to these other stages of life, when I do get to the stage where my kids are out of the house, and I have so much more time and energy in a new, you know, new wisdom to contribute, that I’ll be at a place where God can really utilize all those visions and passions and, you know, the things that I’ve been really cultivating in my heart and just holding in my heart, just holding space for like, Oh, God, that’s cool. Maybe that’s something you know, we’ll see. Just kind of, you know, preparing yourself for that. And in terms of just staying open to it, maybe reading as you go or different things but not having that as your focus that what is priority in your life. In this season in this little quarter inch of life. What’s important, most important to you and again, I gave you kind of where I am, but where are you? Where’s your quarter inch? Is that your focus right now? And the other thing that was super helpful is after I did that 100 year line, and then kind of focused in on what milestones and Things were previous to where I am now. I also went through and I journaled, I started out with 100 year goals, and I journaled goals that I want to add place the life I want to be at 100 years. You know, I’ll I’ll just, I’ll read them to you. I’ll go ahead and read, I’ll read them to you. And maybe that’ll inspire or encourage or, you know, have nothing to do with you. But again, feel free to flip to another podcast. Okay, so 100 year goals, fulfilling, joyful, effective, passionate per life, mentor of mentors, close friends with grandkids and kids. 100 year goals. So those are those. When I’m 70 I want to be author of 12 books and courses, thriving coaches, choke, coaching, practice, travel with husband around the world, spend considerable time with grandkids fit, close friendships, in love with Jesus in character, and then heart. When I’m 50, I want to be building businesses getting to 30 different streams of income remaining with small budget, but great giving percentage 90% giving 10% utilizing for our personal budget. I want to support responsible and rich. Yeah, responsible and mature nonprofits. I want to mentor to young women want to be humble, I want to be student of the word, I want to have a daily prayer life of an hour a day, I want to have a flexible work schedule work passions, as a thriving business owner, and I can handle philosophy in Spanish, which is clear I want to have learned Spanish by then. So then I just kind of went through from there and then I’ve got you know, I want to have children complete high school that I’ve been the mom who paid attention, trusted God and modeled godliness, awesome marriage rejuvenating walk with God, boys or men of character pursuing God’s will in his way and in His timing want to be present with my boys understand developing child’s brain parent with patience and wisdom leavings it is in prayer with God consistent time spent. So boys work hard, physically. Boys proficient in different language, boys confident in strengths boys having varied and interesting experiences, value health of family, lots of family traditions, excellent at work. Okay, so other things that kind of are a little more specific to me. Yeah, and then I went all the way to more close goals, right. So more like five year and then one year goals. And so that was kind of what I went through this process of understanding my bigger goals in life, and all those goals kind of building on each other. Right? By the time I’m 50, those will be still in place. By the time I’m 70. That kind of a thing. And for me, that was really helpful to look at the long view and to kind of put myself in the longer view of life and to realize, you know, what is it that I want? Long term, to give me context into this season? And you know that if you haven’t yet listened to my podcast episode about saying no. The discipline of saying no, I encourage you to go back and listen to that. And that’s how I determine I kind of pray through and understand

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or seek to understand God’s will in specific seasons of my life. And so yeah, I encourage you to go back and listen to that, that that’s episode 144. So feel free to go back and listen to that if you’d like. Insight into into my process there. Okay, so now we’re at kind of what’s next. So I’m still praying through I’m still working to understand I still have work to do in terms of journaling and prayer about I want to pray through and white write out the kind of mom that I want to be remembered as, and that’s a way to phrase it that might be helpful for you. When you’re thinking, you know, how do I put this practically into words, answer the question. Who do I want to be remembered as in this area of my life? There’s a great author, Stephen Covey, who wrote Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. And he talks about Imagine your funeral. And if one person from every area of your life were to get up and give a eulogy, what would you want them to say? And write that out? Write it out. What do you want people in areas of your life to say about you and obviously you’re not living for people. That’s not the point here. The point is for you to get the long view in every area of your life, in your marriage, in your walk with God, you know, in your church, in your family, at your work, in your ministry, whatever areas of your life, but do the hard work of writing that out, you’ve got just a few weeks before, I guess two weeks before the New Year, why not give yourself a deadline of doing this, you know, I would encourage you, if I were to give you homework, it would be this it would be to make that line. Think about the milestones you’ve had on each section, each 12 year section, write those out and then put a star where you are right now. And then after that, like kind of recognize how small that star is, is small, that little chunk of time is maybe whatever of the next kind of key milestone in your life, whether it’s retirement or you know, having a child or you know, whatever, whatever it is, and then and then give yourself the 100 year goals, what are there they and then kind of break it out by maybe 20 years or 15 years or whatever, however you want to break it out, and get all the way down to what are your smallest goals and just give yourself context and perspective. Um, what else did I want to say? I want to say that the enemy is trying to distract you. I think if the enemy can distract his people, and I say his people, I don’t mean his people, I would say people in general, if he can distract them away from what matters in life, then he Well, and the distractions come with come by many different ways, right? So that’s social media, its videos, its movies. So I’m going to call them out, right? That’s Facebook, Instagram, Netflix, YouTube. Then it’s also food. We’re going to talk about that next year. For me, that’s been a huge one to overcome. But it’s all these addictions, right? Alcohol, there’s just a ton, but addictions you don’t think are addictions, but they are. But the enemy doesn’t want you to know that. The point is, he’s gonna try to distract you from anything that actually matters. In this life, especially the way you will spend this life in order to impact the way you and anyone else spends eternity. He doesn’t want you to think about that. The other thing I want to say is that I think I have fallen into this trap. So I’m wondering if you have to, is that when God reveals something to you, you feel so terrible. You feel awful, because you’re like, oh, my gosh, I have just done everything wrong. For years, years I have messed up. And that is totally, totally normal. I have felt like that I feel like that. I mean, I just shared with you the ways I feel like that. But the truth is, it’s God’s kindness to lead us to repentance. It is kindness, that you don’t have to go one more day without being blind. That’s awesome. That’s awesome. It’s, it kind of reminds me of, you know, maybe someone was blind to their whole life. And, you know, the world felt safe, because they didn’t have to see anything. And, you know, they were kind of guided by their cane, and then all of a sudden, their eyes were opened, and they’re scary things all over the place. They could have fallen off of ledges and gotten drowned and seas and all these things that could have happened in life. And they didn’t know their whole lives. But God is, you know, he has blinded you on purpose. For reasons. Maybe you couldn’t handle it at the time. And maybe now you can.

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That metaphor just came to me. So please don’t think that I think there’s I don’t know, try to just take that with a grain of salt. If you think that’s a terrible metaphor, it’s fine. So what else did I want to say? Yeah, the other thing about it is we can either look at these opportunities to change as growth opportunities, challenges, you know, like, oh my gosh, I’m getting better. I’m growing this Also when I’m getting better at life, or we can look at it as I’m not good enough, I made another mistake. What is you know, I’m a terrible Christian, I obviously don’t follow Jesus enough. And I think it’s hard because as Christians, we want to be right. We want to be bearers of truth, we want to be able to help the world and everything. And sometimes that makes us really insecure about not knowing everything, and really insecure about change, because we think I should have already known this or because I didn’t, it means something about me, or I haven’t got that all thought through. So I can’t give you total, you know, totally my thoughts on it. But I will say that, as a Christian, you are on a journey. As a Christian, you are on a journey. It doesn’t mean that you have arrived, because you set Jesus Lord of your life, he is walking with you on this journey. You were not saved. And then he’s like, Okay, now be perfect. I’m gonna watch you and judge you from here. That’s not what he did or said, He died for you on the cross, so that you could wiped clean of your sin. And every day, you’ve got more to be wiped clean off. And every day, you know, by God’s grace, He gives you opportunities to see that he saved you from even more than you thought he did. And that’s an opportunity to run to him, with gratefulness with open arms with Thank You, Lord, I had no idea. And this is a reminder to me, because as you can tell, even on this podcast, there’s times that I’ve been like so down on myself and regretting and yet, thank you, Lord, that You gave me the opportunity. You know, thank you, Lord, that my kids are four and not 40. You know, thank you, Lord, that I only worked at that nonprofit for nine months, rather than 90 months, and, you know, hurt way more people. You know, thank you God for the opportunity, I have to make a change now. And regardless of your situation, that’s your story to thank God that you have an opportunity to change now, in 2017. Sorry, we’re at 2017. Yeah, well, I mean, process and make the change in 2017. So that 2018 is different. It’s different. Well, I am so excited. Next year, we’re going to be talking about some really cool stuff. One of them is I’m doing a series about body. So body image, just all sorts of stuff about body. The reason is, is because I think it’s the biggest what’s the word biggest impediment to intimacy with your husband? So I want to really focus on that. If you haven’t, like I said, listened to the podcast, about the discipline of saying no, I would really encourage that. So you can really pray through what your next season’s

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kind of themes are, again, that’s episode 144. And, you know, maybe your body image and body acceptance and freedom with your body, and food and all those those things that impact your sexuality. Maybe that’s your next season. And if it is, please tune in every week, because we’re going through a different aspect of that. And I’m going to ask you to do homework and I hope that you will really engage in that and work with me on that. And so you get to a place of freedom, because it is really cool. When you have gotten to a place of freedom in that area. If you’ve come from where I like I have been were bulimic and very overweight and very subconscious and getting to a place of freedom in that area, regardless of your size and shape. And, you know, plenty of roles I still have or you know, have had just, there’s a lot so really good stuff there. In the meantime, a reminder, you’ve got two more weeks before the New Year and spend some time asking God, what is this life to you? What are my 100 years supposed to be working on or whatever, however many years left, you have, now is the time. Thank god he’s giving you this opportunity to assess to reflect and possibly to make changes that roll you into the woman to the man if you’re listening. Who he wants you to be. Okay, well, we are taking a break until the new year so I will be talking to you January 2. Have a wonderful Christmas have a wonderful time. I hope that you draw near to family and friends. God bless you, and I’ll talk to you soon.

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Thanks for joining. If you’ve been inspired by this show, would you help spread the word? If you take a moment to review and subscribe others can find us more easily. Find out how to delight your marriage.com forward slash iTunes. Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion

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You might think your marriage is too far gone. There is too much strife, emotional and mental abuse, painful memories, WAY too much baggage to ever recover.

I encourage you to review this entire series and take a journey with me on this episode. Maybe we’ve been looking at this whole marriage thing all wrong. And we’ve been looking at what it means to be man and woman wrong too?

What is the masculine nature? What is the feminine nature? Can a man have both, can a woman have both?

Is this a sacrilegious framework? Well, I think there is a ton of biblical precedence for thinking of men and women as possessing both masculine and feminine natures and both are good, should be respected and honored. I’m going to share that here.

I want to talk about how this shows up in my own marriage specifically and how it can radically change yours!

—

Jump on a 40min clarity call with me so we can sort this stuff out. What is going on in your marriage and how can we get to the bottom of it to truly, deeply transform the lives of you, your spouse, your children and what God wants of you in this world! Delightyourmarriage.com/call

Download this episode!

0:00
All right, and welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. Not sure what you’re up to. But whatever you are doing, thank you for honoring me with your presence. And yeah, spending some time today. Well, this is the final part of the abuse series. And if you’re listening to me, while I release it, we’re heading up until Christmas, and the New Year, so I’m very excited about the new year. As you may know, if you have listened to me previously, it’s always a time that I spend reflecting, and in prayer, and really discerning what this new season should be looking like and where God wants to take me and what he wants me to be doing. And I’m really excited, because, yeah, we’re gonna have a ton of really great content in the new year, I’m really stoked to work with you on it. One big thing is about huge transformation. That’s what I’m looking to work with you on in the new year. So biggest biggest focus is to enjoy your sex life, as a woman to feel enjoyed and love it, that is not easy, because the assumption is only he is going to enjoy it. But that is not true. So we are going to be diving into that in the new year. And I am hopeful that you will just engage and work with me literally, really, really work to transform your marriage to be the delighted wife you were meant to be. Alright, well, let’s dive into this final piece, which is really how to change your marriage from being abused to being cherished, to being loved. Is that even possible? I think so. And I think there’s understandings that we all need to have in order to make it that way. So yeah, let’s dive in.

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So let’s go ahead and start with what is going to maybe be the hardest thing for you to accept. But let me explain why. Here’s my thesis. Each of us, male and female, holds the feminine nature and the masculine nature within us. So that might be a little hard to understand. What I’m going to do in this podcast is talk about what the feminine nature is, what the masculine nature is, and what are the qualities? And how does it show up in the Bible in different ways. And I’m going to also talk about how Yeah, how that reflects in our society, and ultimately, how that understanding can transform your marriage. All right, so women, more than likely aren’t going to have as hard of a time depending depending on where you’re coming from. But that might not be as hard of a time to understand women have the nature of the masculine inside of them. Because, you know, women don’t mind, you know, feeling what men get to enjoy in our society that, you know, men are the more dominant, more powerful, more privileged. People that have the higher jobs and the, you know, more money. And I mean, these are actually statistical facts more, it’s vastly, vastly more men are directors of movies. So men’s values are actually proliferated far more than women’s values are around, around just everything that the media shows. And so, and I say vastly, vastly, I believe it’s something like 4% of directors in mainstream movies are women, all the rest are men. So if you think that you’re being influenced by the values that are hold by held by women, it’s not very, it’s not very accurate. It’s the values of the unredeemed male mind for the most part. So let’s talk about that, you know, women we can wear dresses and pants, which originally pants were only for men, but men are not going to wearing dresses, at least men that identify as heterosexual, you know, men, even Christian men, that’s not, it’s not something they’re be willing to do, because that would call them a woman. And that’s not. Okay. So women have a very broad ability to do things. Whereas men really have narrow choices for them to be considered a quote, man, a lot of times, they have to prove themselves as being a man because they got to engage in quote, manly activities, where they’re powerful and adrenaline filled, and it makes a lot of, maybe they have to make a lot of money, and they definitely have to make more than their wife. And they have to have lots of respect by lots of people, and they have to have lots of sex and, you know, before marriage, they they get to, you know, hook up with whoever they want to, and even in that marriage, maybe they don’t even have to be accountable to their marriage vows. So that’s a lot of what our society often says, this is a manly, this is who a man is. And so men really have less, I would say, ability to express manlihood manhood than women do women, we could really just do almost as much, or anything we want, and we’d still be a woman, we would just be kind of a, you know, maybe a weird one. But it wouldn’t make us a man. Unless we were specifically proliferating the idea that we same sex attraction that we are a man, XY and Z, or that we, you know, only are attracted to women or we are gay, I mean, you almost have to only say that, for women to be, you know, put in that category, just about but men, you’ve got to prove that you’re a man before you’re able to be put in that category A lot of times. So it’s, it’s a hard, it’s a hard thing. It’s a hard thing in our society, it’s very hard. And what happens is, you know, men can present as having more of the feminine nature.

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But it’s still God’s design of who we are. But again, in our society, a man who cares about his physical appearance, maybe has a certain way of talking, maybe he likes to cook with his mom more than he likes to wrestle, or go fishing with his dad. In our society, we call that gay, he must be gay, and what then whatever you believe about yourself, and a lot of times, that’s comes from what people believe about you and have told you maybe as a child, or growing up, or even now, whatever age you are, then whatever you believe about yourself, and whatever you focus on, it grows, until it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, until it becomes well, then I must be gay. And then you focus on that, and then the attraction of the sex of that particular area gross. But the Bible says, Only having sex with another individual of the same genitalia is sin. God doesn’t say that a man dressing well and caring about the finer aspects of life, or beauty or being meticulous or caretaking. God doesn’t say any of that is sinful or homosexual at all. At all. It’s our society that has put that in the box of gayness. And yet it’s not what God has said, is simply the act of sexual intercourse. And so when a person, even if they identify as gay, when they are not having sex with that individual, they are not sinning. If they repent, it is over it is done regardless of if they change the way they talk and walk and what kind of clothes they wear, they are not sinning. It’s that physical act, that’s a sin. So all of the feminine nature, even if they’re prominent, in a man are godly. And all of the masculine nature, even if they’re prominent in a woman are godly. In fact, it may be healthier. You know, scientifically, you know, it’s healthy to have estrogen and testosterone in men and women, though there’s more testosterone in men and more testosterone, estrogen and women. They both have both. And, you know, maybe there’ll be more research. I’m not a scientist, but who knows, maybe, you know, certain qualities and hormones. More estrogen means a certain thing in a man but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong or bad. It just means that’s why God made them and that’s good and we can accept it and sing with a woman. If she has more testosterone. She might be, you know, or what When presenting as more masculine nature and qualities, she might be very decisive and a strong leader, she might be able to tell men what to do with no problem. She may be super fierce in the bedroom and even into BDSM, for example, which is like the bondage and, you know, leather straps and all that stuff, if you didn’t know what that was, but that doesn’t mean she’s gay, or because of her personality as a powerful woman that she’s never going to find a man. I don’t think that’s the case at all. I think that the hard thing here is that the truth is, there’s so much variation between men and women. So when people say, and I’ve said it in my podcast many times, but I think we need to articulate it and clarify it more. So is that when we say women are, or women’s nature is, I think what we should really be saying is that the feminine nature is, or the masculine nature is. And so because you might say, when when someone says, Well, women are XY and Z, and you might be like, ah, that’s not me, that’s my husband. And I totally get that. But if we, as each individual are both feminine and masculine natures within us, then some aspects are more prominent in our personalities. And in certain times, we should be walking in a certain nature, and neither is better or worse. And then we are okay, hearing about what the feminine nature is and what the masculine nature is, because it’s not better or worse, and it might present in certain times, and it should present at certain times. And then we can say, you know, man who is more pronounced in the feminine nature, and that’s a good thing. He’s got good qualities that are going to be super, super helpful. And a woman who’s more pronounced and prominent in the masculine nature in certain areas, that’s also a really good thing, and is really, really good and important.

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And God has made them that way. So why is it actually if it’s just the same and just as valuable, then what why is it matter, that we have a distinction about the feminine nature and the masculine nature? Well, I think it’s because when we understand the feminine and the nap, the masculine natures, it matters to how we relate to God, and how we relate in marriage, specifically with our Husband, husband to wife relationship, not the family, not the outside world. It’s specifically husband to wife, specifically you to God. Because if you know the Scriptures, it says that how a man is with his wife is the same as God is with the church. It’s that most most most intimate place. And so in your marriage as a woman, for you to have peace and joy and love and purpose and for it to thrive, that’s when the wife surrenders into her feminine. And that’s when the husband stands up into his masculine. And they are one flesh, man penetrating women receiving they are one flesh. And I’ll just say it one more time, for marriage to have the peace, joy, love and purpose and thrive in the way God wants it to, is when a wife surrenders into her feminine and the husband stands up into his masculine and they are one flesh, man penetrating and women receiving. Outside of that intimate place, your nature of feminine and masculine are able to be as God wants them to be all that you are in your strength and personality and you can be totally you because your deepest nature in your marriage is fulfilled. Whole women can accept both nature’s within them and recognize the God will use both the masculine often protects their feminine nature. So they need the masculine energy and protective nature to guard their hearts. So when it’s not safe for them to be the feminine, the vulnerable, the receptive, the soft, the gentle, they are using the masculine nature constructing and holding the boundaries, to make sure that it isn’t going to hurt their heart and hurt that gentle feminine nature that they are are supposed To Have and supposed to use in this world. A whole woman accepts that she has both the feminine and the masculine. But she doesn’t have to be the same in her house once again as she is outside of her relationship with her husband. The feminine is vital to making this world safe. Whole men accept both nature’s within himself and recognize that God will use both nature’s the feminine to give him compassion, where the masculine can protect the vulnerable. This is countercultural, because men have learned to understand what it means to be a man in terms of how they are able to abuse women, whether it’s a sexual standard hip hop, culture, polygamy, men being better than women, having more money than women earning more money than women being able to be promoted in ways in places that women aren’t prostitution, pornography, which is 90%, violent against women. So that’s countercultural for a man to protect the feminine, even within himself the vulnerability and to recognize that he is fully male, fully man, having both the masculine and the feminine natures within him. So let’s talk about what are those natures, so the feminine is trusting, and this is a gift that has made her open to great abuse and oppression when it hasn’t been boundaried and protected. But let’s say that again, so the feminine nature that’s trusting, receptive, gentle, soft, vulnerable, safe, compassionate, innocent, spontaneous pleasures, joyful, attractive, adored, a motherly, a woman desires to be loved, given generous attention and cherished.

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The masculine nature’s confident, shrewd, sometimes almost like paranoid, of the negative realities, aware of them, the very least a protector, fierce, self directed, powerful, and sometimes that power shows up. And it looks more like anger. A fatherly, responsible, and a man wants to be respected and admired, and his sex drive to be honored.

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So where’s the biblical basis for this stuff? Well, the framework specifically, the way that I’m talking about it, is not specific in the Bible. But I think it’s very clear that the keys that this framework gives us is present in the Bible. So I’ll give an example that I often did give is that, you know, gravity is not mentioned in the Bible ever, will they never talk about it. They never talk about how the Earth rotates around the sun that’s never talked about. And yet it’s true, we have found that it’s true. So this is the same kind of thing is that this is a framework to help us understand realities of life that gives us more alignment with Christ and scripture, for us to accept the way that God has made us and there’s a lot of things in my podcasts that you will automatically just accept as true because it, it intuitively makes sense to you. And you know, it’s true. But there’s not a verse that specifically says testosterone and estrogen in your body, blah, blah, blah, for example. But let me talk about the scriptures that hint at this very easily, and they men are not scared to say they’re feminine, and women are not scared to be masculine. So God himself as a mother, he says that he’s a mother hen who wishes he could have gathered Israel as a hen gathers her chicks. And I’ll just read the verse to you Matthew 2337. And it’s also in Luke 1334 says, Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you how often I have long to gather your children together as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were not willing to. I think that’s a beautiful, beautiful picture. He longs to gather the children just as as a mother hen. He is not afraid of being the feminine. He also talks about himself as a mother as a mother Eagle, and they’re known to teach their young ones to fly by default. deliberately pushing them out of their nest and then catching them just before they plunge to death. And so in Deuteronomy 3210 to 11, it says, God guarded Jacob, as the apple of his eye, like an eagle that stirs up its nest and hovers over its young, that spreads its wings to catch them and carry them aloft. So once again, that that motherly Eagle, Hosea 13, eight, like a bear robbed of her cubs, I will attack them and rip them open, says the Lord. And I would actually just as a caveat here or mention, I would say that this is the protective masculine nature showing up in the mother. Right. So it’s, it’s kind of an interesting, but both here. So as a mother comfort, okay, sorry, this is Isaiah 6613. And it says, As a mother comforts her child, so will I, God, comfort you, and you will be comforted over Jerusalem. So once again, God isn’t scared of his feminine nature. He also talks about himself as a woman in childbirth. So Isaiah 4214, for a long time, I got have kept silent, I have been quiet and held myself back. But now I am like a woman in childbirth, I cry out, I gasp and pant. And then in Deuteronomy 3218. It’s almost God has once again as a birther. It says, You were unmindful of the Rock who bore you, and you forgot the God who gave you birth. It’s interesting. He even uses the word birth. And that’s what a woman does. And then he also talks about a woman nursing. And it says, Isaiah, as though he were a woman who nurse who nurses, his his children, Isaiah 4915. It says, Can a mother forget the baby at her breast, and have no compassion on the child she has born, though she may forget, I got will not forget you. And then in Psalm 22, nine, it’s almost like God is acting as a midwife. And it says,

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Yet, you you sorry, this is David talking to God. It says yet, you brought me out of the womb, you searched, you secured me at my mother’s breast. So it can if you can imagine, like a midwife bringing the baby out of the womb, and placing the baby on mother’s breast. And then another verse talks about God as master and mistress of a house. So Psalms 123 Two says, as the eyes of the servant, look to the hand of the master, as the eyes of the maid servant, look to the hand of the mistress. So our eyes are on the Lord our God until he shows us mercy. And so, kind of going back to David, he’s talks about him being nursed, as a child with God. Psalms 131, it says, like a weaned child resting with his mother, my soul is like a weaned child within me, composed and freed with from discomfort. And David showed many, many emotions throughout the psalms that seem completely unquote manly. But he’s so up and down and in and out, and all over the place with emotions. And I mean, would we consider that appropriate or manly? You know, David danced before the Lord. So much so that, you know, people called him crazy, you know, but but in fact, he was honored by God. And those that did call him call him crazy or they were punished. I can’t I don’t have the specific story in front of me but they were punished for their their poor judgment of of his radical love and vulnerability. He even dance naked before the Lord, right, that’s absolutely vulnerable. And then again, biblically, we are the bride of Christ. So in what ways are all of us living into that feminine nature, in our relationship with Christ, all of us male and female, that feminine nature being the bride, and in what ways is he Christ, the masculine nature to us? Adam and Eve are equal and unique, both in God’s image they are equal so we don’t have to be scared that you know the feminine The nature of the masculine nature in me isn’t good. It is good. Both are good. Both are God’s image. He created everything good. Jesus was a whole man. But he lived fully in the masculine and he lived fully in the feminine. He was a whole man. He was moved with compassion to the vulnerable to the sick to the women to the children to the feminine. He was moved with compassion. He was moved by truth and to anger and he threw over the moneylenders tables, he said powerful things to his friends, like Get behind Me, Satan. And he had strong resolute boundaries with the crowds and even with his close friends. That sounds like more of the masculine. He was in touch with his emotions, though he wept, he embraced his limits, he said power went out of him. When a woman touched him, he was willing to say, I got weak all the sudden guys, right? He cared about those who needed help. And he even asked his friends vulnerably please pray with me. Wake up, wake up, pray with me. And they they fell asleep in the Garden of Gethsemane. He was vulnerable, he was willing to be emotional, to be in touch with his feminine. And he was living into the masculine when he was a protector of the feminine. He protected women over and over again, his mother, he made sure she was taken care of when He was hanging on the cross with Mary Magdalene. He protected her from the judgments and the shaming of the men and the disciples that were around him while she was vulnerably. Living in her feminine and wiping his feet with her tears. Mary and Martha he protected Mary from his masculine strength by saying that she should be here she should be living in her masculine right now.

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And the woman caught in adultery, he turned the focus on every man who was trying to kill that woman, and said that they instead should be stoned because they are just as sinful as this woman. He responded to her then with compassion, but then also powerful boundaries when he told her go and sin no more. So God, Jesus was both, he was fine with both. And again, Mary, and Martha story, Mary was unapologetic in the midst of men to gain what she had a right to. Whereas Martha was just doing what was expected to her of her in that society. She was supposed to be cleaning and working and hosting and being great hostess, and Mary wasn’t doing that Mary was learning and digging into what the men at that time were the only ones that had the right to. And Jesus said, she chose the good part, and it won’t be taken from her. And in my last podcast, about submitting, I talked about there being so many other leaders of women that were powerful in the Bible. And there are tons more in the old testament to that were vital to God’s victory, the story of God’s people and ultimately, to the birth of Jesus, there are so many women that were required to be in the lineage that then eventually brought Jesus. All right. So why again, you might be asking yourself, does it matter for us to have this distinction of the feminine and the masculine natures? Well, let me go back to read them to you. Because what I think is important is when we, again fall into as a woman, we surrender into the feminine in our marriage. It allows for our husband to stand up in the masculine in the most intimate relationship. So a feminine nature’s trusting, receptive, gentle, soft, vulnerable, safe, compassion, innocent, spontaneous, pleasure, joyful, desirous a woman who is attractive, desires to be loved given generous attention and cherished and the masculine nature’s confident, shrewd, paranoid and aware of negative realities protector, angry at times, that might show up as powerful But angry, self directed, fully free to direct himself. Fierce, powerful, fatherly responsible a man wants to be treated with respect to be admired, and for his sex drive and desires to be honored.

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So what does that look like? In for me in our marriage, and, you know, how do I present in the masculine and the feminine in my life? Well,

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professionally, outside of the home, outside of my marriage, specifically, I exerted power to hire and fire men, I have managed and had direct reports many times who are male, I have given them evaluations, I have told them where they need to improve, I have determined what their what their budget, what their salaries would be based on budgets and what I knew about the factors of the program. So that’s what power that’s boundaries, I had to let people go from positions in order to protect the work that was happening, and that they were sabotaging it by being there. And that’s I’ve had to let people go women and men from once again, the work that was happening, vulnerable, good, important work was being sabotaged, because there were people in in places that they shouldn’t be. And that was, again, a protective nature male, sorry, not male, but masculine nature I was living into, I also have gotten angry at the abuse of women, and powerfully told men, that it wasn’t okay. And clearly, if you’ve listened to my podcast, I don’t speak without confidence. No, no, I am, I am fierce. I am happy to do that. And I don’t think that is non female of me at all. That is both nature’s within me. In in God’s redeemed state of my my strengths and my personality, I am self directed, I have applied for jobs that I was legitimately not qualified for. And I have negotiated raises for almost every time every career change I have made, and then become a manager and then another manager and X, Y and Z. And, and that’s just the shrewd, self directed ways that I have been willing to live into and not fear because of, you know, the expectations of what a woman should be. And I am completely responsible for how people treat me, I teach them how to treat me. Right. That’s what the boundaries section was all about. You teach people how to treat you, in every area of your life, your relationships, your family, your husband, your extended family, every single relationship, you teach people how to treat you. And it happens a very different ways. It’s essentially happens through boundaries, and you can go back and listen to the abuse part. I believe it’s part two, about the boundaries, it’s really, really good. And I’m sure if that’s something at all, that you’re unhappy with the way people treat you, it’s, it’s your responsibility. And once again, that’s that masculine nature that you need to be living into and realize you are fully responsible for what’s going on in your life. And you can change it. And once again, and that’s the last point I want to say is I am responsible for the correct direction of my time with the Lord and letting the Lord infiltrate and influence every aspect of my life. I am responsible for that. I am responsible for that. My husband is not responsible for my soul. And for my commitment to Jesus I am and when I’m waiting around, wondering when he’s going to lead. That’s not That’s not what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m fully responsible for how I interact with Jesus. And I believe that is scriptural and right and true. But all of that there is a big, big at the same time as a wife in my most intimate, intimate marriage. If I want a marriage that is joyful and peaceful and fun and fulfilling and purposeful and godly, I fall into I serve render into that feminine nature. As it becomes more and more safe, with my boundaries, I make sure that things become safe. But as I do, what happens is

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that I want him to feel powerful. I want to honor his nature in the masculine, I surrender into my feminine, and he stands up in his masculine. If I surrender into my feminine, and the way I do that, in my marriage, it looks like this. He makes all the financial decisions. So he feels powerful. I talk about that more on the Submit. Episode last time, when we’re walking somewhere, he, he’s in charge, he lets me know when I when we’re going across the street, he’s the protector, and I let him go in that role. You know, if he thinks something’s unsafe, I don’t do it. You know, he’s protecting me. He’s protecting our family, that’s his role is responsible for our family. And if I challenged that, he doesn’t feel that responsibility. And so he his automatic response will be, Well, nevermind, throw up my hands, I guess I don’t have the authority to protect my family. And that’s very debilitating for him. very disrespectful. I try to defer to him. When someone asks the both of us a question, if we’re together. I tried to just look at him first to see if he’s going to answer if he wants me to answer whatever. And it’s, it’s seems ridiculous. seems silly. I mean, I’m the Social Butterfly. I’m the one that loves talking and communicating and processing externally. So that’s not my personality to just be like, Yeah, honey, you’re the one that, you know, is more of the listener and, and doesn’t really speak unless you really have things thought through. But I want to honor his masculinity where, when we’re together, and for him to feel powerful and respected, and listened to. And because I do that you respect when somebody else respects that person, if that makes sense. So when you see a respectful wife, you’re like, Wow, I wonder what her husband’s like if she, if she respects him, than men, he must be someone special. Right. And I especially do this in public, because I again, want him to feel respected. And as I respect, the true, the true good things about him as I praise him for those awesome aspects and ignore the negative ones, he actually becomes more of those awesome, awesome aspects. And I compliment him often in public for these things that I’m so proud about him of him about, and I don’t take jabs at the things that I think need to be changed or the embarrassing stories, unless, of course, it’s like, you know, clearly on the table, and we both think it’s funny, and he’s okay with me saying it publicly. And sometimes I literally asked him like this, you know, maybe it’s something we’ve laughed about and have gotten through, and I’m like, is it okay? If I talk about this? Or is this off the table, and he, he might tell me, it’s not something he wants to meet ever talk about. And that’s fine. But the other thing is I in our relationship, I point out the ways that I see him as shrewd and smart and wise, and an effective leader, and how important and fantastic his ministry is, and how impactful his work is, and how grateful I am that he shares with me. Even the more dark realities that I’m not aware of, when I need to be sometimes when I am aware, and I when I am unaware, and he needs to let me know what’s going on. Because a lot of times, I’m just not. It’s it’s not something that I’m thinking about. And you might be saying, well, my husband doesn’t have a ministry, He doesn’t really work in some man’s way, quote, unquote, I want to tell you my husband’s, quote, Job is taking care of our children. That’s incredibly important. But the ministry He has is with moms on the playground, the entire neighborhood, and people will tell us this when we go we went to a family family’s birthday party just this weekend, and we walked in, she’s like, Hey, welcome. I’m so glad you’re here. And then she goes to introduce us to a couple and he’s like, oh, yeah, we’ve

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met them and, and, and the host was like, Oh, of course you’ve met them. They know everyone in the whole neighborhood. It seems And it’s true by God’s grace. That’s what my husband’s like. It’s funny because he’s so quiet that you would never expect. But he knows everyone in the playground, we walk down the street, and he’s saying hi to half the people that I’ve never met or seen. But that’s his ministry. That’s the work that God’s doing. And it’s so impactful for all these women, to see what an amazing man looks like an amazing husband and amazing father, that is impactful work. And for me to honor that masculine nature within it as a woman as, as the feminine in our marriage. Whether it looks like a quote, male, ministry, male leadership, quote, unquote, or not, that is still me honoring his masculine nature in our marriage. The other thing I do, as I honor his fierceness, and sex, I meet him in that by knowing his desires, by understanding his drive by knowing what it means to have a powerful, fierce sex life. You know, that’s what I teach in the seduction course, soup to nuts. ABCD how to have a hot fear, sex life, that’s what it is. But I am the one that is taken by his sexuality, who embraces his penetrative nature. And authentically loves his member and his manhood. And when I say manhood, let’s say masculinity, right? That is what I’m doing as I engage in fierce fierce sex. But I make sure this also happens often. And I make sure that we’re engaging in. Also, the feminine intimacy, connection oriented sex, which fills me up. So I feel able and open to then enjoy also the fierce, more masculine centered sex. And we get to do that, you know, on a regular basis and interchangeably, and so yeah, I’m going to be talking about this more in the new year. So get get ready, it’s going to be awesome. But this whole idea of masculine versus feminine sex, and how whole men can enjoy both and whole women can enjoy both literally, but if you if you are open to and recognize this is how God made you, as a man to enjoy the connection and intimacy. And you might enjoy that kind of sex more than the fear sex, and that’s totally good and fine. I have a friend who’s with, you know, her partner who talks about she is more of the fear sex, that’s what she prefers. And he’s more of the intimacy, connection, sex, and, and that and that’s the beautiful part of the relationship. And in any growing, and that way, God willing, soon, there’ll be married, and it will be aligned with God’s will. But you know, for now, my job is to just love her and be honest with her about what God’s teaching me and listen to her and hear what gets what, what she’s learning and going through in her life. All right. So let’s just wrap this up with a quick prayer. Because I think sometimes we might be kind of all over the place with like, okay, masculine, feminine, male, female, you know, society, Christian, what. But I think that as you tease this out and discern this, it’s not that it’s not, it’s not simple. I’ll say that. It’s not an easy formula. But it is very important. And I think I will try to sum it up this way, is that a woman does not need to only exhibit the feminine nature, everywhere in her life. But when she surrenders to the feminine in her relationship with her husband, it gives him the ability to stand up in his masculine. And ultimately, the marriage can thrive and can be more aligned with Jesus, and joyful and full of love. Father, I ask that the nuggets and the insights that the woman on the other end of this line needed to hear

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you would just, you would just embed those in her heart, God and maybe these are just things she needs to be thinking about and processing and praying through. What does this mean for her? What does this mean for her marriage and for the way she interacts in her world? Is this going to free her from some things, maybe she thought she wasn’t able to do some things that she really has the power for, and she can do it. And maybe there are things that she needs to give up. That she doesn’t have to strive, she can just surrender with boundaries, as long as it’s safe, that she can also just recognize where to do and in what directions to take with these new understandings. I know that you’re going to direct her into all truth, Holy Spirit. And I asked that you would do that today. In Jesus name, amen. Well, I would love to help you sort through these things directly. You and me on a phone call with a clarity call, what is really going on in your marriage? And how can it actually be transformed? That you’re ready, you are done, you’re ready to transform your marriage? If that is you. Go ahead and drop me an email belah at delight your marriage.com you and I will sit on the phone for 45 minute conversation, and I will help you tease out. It’s called a clarity call. I’m helping you tease out what is going on in your marriage. And how can it move to transformation to holiness to godliness to fulfillment to playful enjoyment? Let’s get on that call together. Just drop me an email belah at delight your marriage.com I’ll have it linked up in the show notes. God bless you. I’m excited to talk to you soon. And have a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year. Our next conversation together will be the first week of January. All right, love you so much. I’ll be praying for you. Bye

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah. Rose.

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All right, all right. Welcome. Welcome, welcome. It is a brand new year 2019. I am so excited that you are with me. I’m belah rose, and this is gonna be a life changing year for you and your marriage. Listen, I know the suffering of what a marriage can do. I know that it infiltrates every part of your life, if it is bad. People write into me all the time, whether it’s through Facebook, whether it’s through email, I hear from you, and I hear the struggles of your marriage. And I have been there, I have looked divorce in the face. And it’s awful, and it’s horrible. But I want to help you, I have helped you for years on this podcast, my book my courses, but I actually want to speak directly to you, I want to hear what is really going on in your marriage. So I in the new year have had a change in the way the ministry is working. And I get to now speak to women one on one about what is going on in their marriage. And I actually just received a testimonial. I think it was yesterday, or the day before maybe from someone I just spoke with. And she said that she felt completely at ease with me even from the very beginning. She said that she was shocked at how quickly we got to the root of the issue. And she feels that everyone should hop on a call with me. So that’s exciting. And then the next woman that I spoke with yesterday. Yeah, is is thrilled that from the progress that we made, and was actually able to get clarity on things she had never considered, which. Yeah, it’s just like, God is using this kind of stuff. I’ve done this work for a long time. And I have a ton of testimonials that backup that God can work through our work together and he has worked so powerfully in our work together. Testimony actually a testimonial actually, aside from that with a woman that I have worked with one on one, let’s see if I can just pull that up real quick. So she said before working with Bella, she said before working with Bella, my marriage had been to the brink of divorce and separation. My husband and I had continual anger and resentment towards one another. I knew the importance of sex to a man and felt pressure to be enough. But I felt like I never was. I reached out to Bella for help. For her to help me be who he needed. But listen to my heart and saw the missing piece boundaries. Turns out he needed me all along through Bella’s coaching, she helped me with healthy boundaries, loving and respecting myself, realizing and honoring what I enjoy and desire about sex and intimacy. She gave me wisdom and words to say, teaching me what a healthy relationship looks like in all areas. The amazing benefits I am now enjoying, and she has listened capital letters, love true love like never before. My husband and I look forward to being around each other. And I have seen and we have such an appreciation and respect for one another. I am cherished and honored. And He is respected and lifted up as my man. I am more me than ever before. And I’m loving exactly who I am becoming. Through working with Bella. My marriage is saved and thriving. And I am forever changed and grateful.

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And then she wrote a little note directly to me and she said Bella, thank you for everything. I can hear your voice in my head and we have a had an amazing time together over this holiday season. I’m using all of our skills and lessons and we are doing incredibly. So To God be the glory that is just incredible. And I have deeply deeply appreciated my the opportunity. I’ve had to walk with that. Darling, darling woman. She’s just doing incredible things for God. And she’s Yeah, just incredible. So God is good and but I want to give you hope that your marriage can completely transform. You know, if if, you know one day I believe she’s going to be able to share her full testimony and you probably would jaw drop at the amazing transformation got it done. You know, I think she’s, you know, she didn’t give you the details. But God has absolutely done incredible work here. And he can do that for you, he can do that for you. And you know, what’s happened in my life is many times, God has used books, mentors, resources, courses, programs to absolutely transform my life. So, you know, we have worked together on this journey for years if you’ve been along this podcast, and I want to invite you to actually walk directly talk to me directly one on one. So again, you can just sign up for that free dy m.as.me www.dy m.as.me. Now there is a catch, you know, we’re going to dive deep. And I’m going to my intention is to give you clarity and to love you and serve you and help you on that call, help you to see what’s really going on. But if I think I can help you, I may invite you to work with me. And the truth is, I don’t invite everyone, if I don’t think I can help you, if I don’t think you’re ready, or if I don’t think it’s a good fit. For whatever reason, I’ve done it long enough that I, God has given me a good amount of discernment there. I won’t invite you to it. But I may invite you to work with me. And if that’s the case, that’s what we’ll do. We’re gonna also include on that call. So I want to mention that. All right, well, go ahead dy m.s.me. And sign up for a call as soon as you can. Again, my schedule this week, believe is already booked. And next week more than likely is about to fill up. So dude as soon as you can. And yeah, and we’ll dive into that. That was the introduction, just to give you a little hope that things can absolutely transform in your marriage in 2019. Let’s talk about what you can do, and why it can really change. And I’ll dive in, I’ll give you a little minute, moment of breather, a little, little moment break to digest everything I just said.

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Alright, so the question to dive into is can things really change? Again, I hear from people that are suffering. And I have been there I have suffered in this life, by God’s grace, you know, in the Bible, Paul, while he’s in prison, he talks about him being content, and that he can be content when he is a bounding or when is he is a based, when he’s absolutely at the very bottom, he was in prison. And he said that he can be content. And that’s when he says in all things, Christ gives me strength. So wherever you are in your marriage, right now, I want to say that God can give you strength, you can do all things, even in that suffering. He can give you strength, and he will. So as you know, if you’re in that space, when your marriage is suffering, your whole life suffers. I mean, it’s not just you that suffering, it’s your kids, they see that they see the tension, they hear the arguments, they don’t feel safe in their house, I was a child of that kind of stuff. It doesn’t feel safe. I’m not able to live my full life if I don’t feel that, that that safety. And I remember there was someone in my life darling, in fact, two families that had that safety in that house, and I remember such a difference, and wanting to be there and just feeling safe. And how wonderful that was. And both families were able to do amazing things for God, both families were super in the church and giving of their time and, you know, mentoring of kids and anyway, so you know that your kids suffer, you know, your job suffers, you can’t focus at work, you have to take phone calls and argue with people and well or are you with your husband or send angry text back and forth or whatever, there’s, there’s just this emotional strife that happens. And that affects your financial peace. Because, you know, if you don’t feel encouraged and supported and you know, like you’re being cheered on, it’s really hard to have that self confidence to go for that next job to go for that promotion to do your best work. When you don’t have that husband that’s really supportive of you. You know, and of course, it affects your ministry, you know, whether or not you have peace, and in order to have the time and and the energy to devote to listening to Christ to listening to God’s will and His purpose and His direction. And then yeah, it affects your peace. It affects the way you walk with Jesus. You know, when I was suffering in my marriage, all of my prayers were consumed with God changing his heart were consumed with him changing all of them. It’s horrible. You know, and then not to mention walking in the fruits of the Spirit, you know, if you are completely stressed because your emotional tank is so not just on empty, it’s like, your, your hydro, your, your vehicle is skidding the ground, you’re not even moving forward. You can’t walk in the fruits of the spirit of the love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, goodness, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control. And what about sexual fulfilment, just plain, all you feeling good, and you’re in your sexiness and having orgasms and the healthiness that that all is and feeling juicy, and in your Yeah, and your body as a woman. And then also your chastity and thoughts, right? Like, if you’re desiring sexually someone else, right? Or coveting another marriage, lusting or coveting after what someone else has, you know, and not just that just sin in many places, you know, by God’s grace, a great marriage will allow you to come to that place vulnerably and be like, Honey, I messed up. And because that’s the safest place in your life, you can share what’s really going on, and they can hold you and they can love you through it. You know, we share things about how we mess up in parenting. And then you need the vulnerability to be able to say that so we can work through it together and, and encourage each other and be like, you know, what, God is still using you, he’s still going to be helping you, you know, there’s this, there’s that whatever, we can still encourage each other through that, but that’s a safe place. You know, there’s, there’s in the Bible, it says, confess your sins to one another, so that you may be healed, that you may be forgiven. I believe it says forgiven, it’s either healed or forgiven.

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A Bible scholar on this, on the other end is going to be like, actually, Bella, that is not the right word. But anyway, I know it says confess your sins to one another. So I’m, you know, I’m confident that that is a safety when your marriage gets to that place. And then even more significantly, you know, not starting ministries, because you don’t have, again, the emotional energy, the emotionally space, the time even to devote to it, because it’s so this other thing is such an obsession, their marriage is such an obsession, you’re not even able to have the ability to move forward. So it’s huge, huge that this thing can change needs to change, because this is not just earthly stuff. I’m talking about eternal stuff. That’s what I’m talking about, I don’t really want you to have a great marriage. I mean, that’s not my point. That’s not the end goal. What I want is so that your vehicle works. So you can do God’s will in this life. Because if you have a broken marriage, your vehicle, doing God’s will is broken. It’s broken. You you’re sitting on the side of the road with a broken tire, and I’m like, here, let me help you. Let’s get your car working. So you can go do what God wants you to do. That’s what dym is all about. So let’s talk about what you can do practically. Starting today. Once you wrap up this podcast, and I will mention I am going to sing at the end of the podcast after the music plays because I have the song in my head and maybe it’ll bless you today. So just a little teaser. Okay, so here are the four things I want to just encourage you that you can start right away to make changes to your marriage. First and foremost. Habits. Like what that doesn’t sound helpful. Yes. Habits 40% of your life are dictated in autopilot dictated by your habits, good or bad. When you wake up in the morning, or how you wake up in the morning, maybe you don’t set an alarm maybe you do whatever that is the thoughts that go through your head, when or if you brush your teeth how you look Get yourself in the mirror. Do you look at your roles first or your face first? Do you smile? You know, then you walk to the kitchen? Do you get your coffee? Do you? You know, open the fridge and get some food? Do you make an omelet? Do whatever normal things are? Do you drive to work? Do you put your you know, wallet on in your pocket? Do you? You grab your purse 40% of your life? And that’s waking life? I’m not even talking about the huh? Actually, I don’t know, know that i Alright, anyway, 40% of your life. Good or bad? Is a habit. So in order to stop a bad one, you want to replace it with a good one. You know, so many people try to stop smoking, but they don’t. They don’t have something else that’s going to be a positive way. You know, to replace it. So just as an example, I’m not an expert on how to help people stop smoking, but seemed like a good example. Anyway, but let me give you the examples that I do know very well about. Worry. So if you’re finding yourself worrying, respond to that with a good habit of saying an affirmation in faith out loud. So if you suddenly in your head becomes a worry of like, oh my gosh, what if my son starts taking drugs? Okay, affirmation. My son is going to have an amazing, healthy future with phenomenal, faithful friends. There’s my affirmation. You can say in Jesus name. give God the glory for such a faith. Right? Okay, what about fear? Like, oh, my goodness, the car’s gonna wreck. Okay, that fear just immediately comes in your your head, speak truth in the word of faith. By God’s grace, this car is going to get to exactly where it’s supposed to be. And you say it out loud. Break the pattern. That’s what you have to do. You have to break the pattern.

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And see serious, say it out loud with intention, with emotion with enthusiasm. How about this? I said, those are kind of things that you can say yes, do that. Here’s something that’s more action oriented. Let’s say you have fear of finances. You have fear of financial loss, give away money. That is the answer. give away money. Do you remember the parable? Or actually, it wasn’t a parable. It was Jesus witnessing the rich people coming into the temple giving away tons of money to the temple. But it was then this old woman, old poor woman, I think. I don’t know if she was old. She was definitely poor. Anyway, she brought two pennies. She put them in the offering. That was everything she had. And Jesus said she did the good thing. She was the one that actually did. The most she gave the most. Right. There’s something about giving, that makes the finances less important. There’s something about giving. Just incredible. You know, when you’re giving your time, out of the very beginning of your paycheck, there’s a piece. But then even more when you’re extra generous. Oh, man, that is fun. That is fun. I love walking. I live in New York City, right. So there’s tons and tons of homeless people all around the place. Which is very sad. But I will say that when I have cash in my pocket, it’s really fun to give it to them. It’s so fun to think about, like, I’m helping someone like this is a very like, immediate, they get to have food, or they get to spend it in some other way. But, you know, the Bible talks about giving to the poor over and over and over again, somehow that matters to the way we we think and are and so you know, certainly I would if if I gave to every single homeless person in our city, that would be that would be difficult. But there are there are times that we can give. And it actually takes away the stress that we feel and takes away the fear that we have. By God’s grace, he does that. Okay, so fighting with your spouse, let’s say you’re in the middle of a fight. But your response your habit would normally be let’s say to not talk to them for a day, three days, whatever. Okay, change the habit by giving them something you know, they’d love That is the new habit that when you fight, you respond by giving them something, you respond by serving them in some way. It doesn’t mean you have to lose your dignity, it doesn’t mean you have to apologize for something that wasn’t your fault. But you can change the pattern, you can change the habit. And then the next piece is you add a habit to something you already do. How do you add correct habits? Well, you know, in order to be more sexual, in order to crave sex more, I really encourage dancing, giving yourself a routine of dancing sexily. If that’s a word, into the mirror, like in front of the mirror or anywhere, it just put on some fun music and just dance in a sexy way. If you don’t want to hear the words of the lyrics do it in a different language. I like to listen to reggaeton because I don’t necessarily understand everything they’re saying, and, and so I like the music, but dance in a sexy way. Another thing is right sex, craving affirmations, even on the other side of your medicine cabinet mirror, so that you you save them, you read them while you’re brushing your teeth, and you say them out loud, you know, I am sexy, and my body craves making love with my husband, my man is amazing in bed, and I love the way he enters my ReSSA it’s incredible the feelings that I have, like those are the kinds of affirmations that are going to get you to feel it to change those habits. Okay, you might be saying a lot of this is. Okay, your thoughts? Right? I’m telling you to change your thoughts, right? These are habits, they’re all behaviors, but what about your thoughts? So number one is habits. Number two, is changing your thoughts. And these are super interlinked, because proverbs 23 Seven tells us for As a man thinks in his heart, so he is.

22:07
So he is. And so yeah, maybe I should have interchange this were number one was how you think. And number two is your habits. And that’s really the order that should be it, but I thought you would relate to habits first, before I goes, before I went into thoughts, but let me tell you how the brain works. Because now we know more about the fact that the way you think affects what you do and how to change that. Because that’s what I’m asking you to do is make changes to yourself, that will affect your marriage. So brain chemistry, there is something that they’ve discovered called neuroplasticity, which means they used to think that we were born with a certain way that our our brain was wired. But now what they have learned is that actually, as you progress in life, at any age, your brain changes. So much so that prior to GPS is, you know, being the biggest form of, you know, showing you directions on where to go and stuff. They studied the brains of taxi drivers in London, and taxi drivers in other cities, I guess. And they found or maybe just people in general might have been comparing to people in general. But London apparently has like super complex maps and a grid and all that kind of stuff. And these taxi drivers had really significant like neurons pathways, that we’re in the the area of the brain that specifically is for judgment and for logic and everything that they need for being in that profession, memory and all of that. Whereas someone else didn’t have those, that equipment and they found this so consistently that it has changed the paradigm and given credence towards neuroplasticity and they’ve just seen it over and over and over again. And so that means that when you think well my husband just thinks this way. He’s never gonna change, or my wife is always going to be this way. They’ll never change. That’s not true. It’s not true. It doesn’t matter how old they are. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been married. Look at my testimonials. You’ll see women that have been married 25 years, 18 years, 27 years, tons of people that I have worked with that God has changed their marriage. Not to mention the husbands that talk about how their wife, I don’t know what you guys discussed, I didn’t ask, but my wife is a different woman, after 20 plus years of marriage, God does that. He can change marriages, he can change your spouse, don’t doubt him have faith that he can change. Okay, so we’ve got number one is habits. Number two, change your thoughts. Number three, evaluate, become aware of the progress you and your spouse your marriage has made. So often we forget to realize how far we’ve come. We forget to see God has taken us out of that desert we have, God has taken us out of that horrible situation, look where we are now. We forget to take stock. And what I encourage you to do is take time consistently to recognize and thank God and praise God. To make sure you are aware of what changes have already happened. I have to do this with my clients all the time. They’re telling me the latest Whoa, but I’m like, you know, last month, he said this to you. And now he just got a job. Or another one like, you know, you know, he used to say your body was gross. And suddenly he’s a door in your body in every way possible, every chance he gets? Or do you remember, you used to say that you hated sex, and now you look forward to it, or sex wasn’t safe for you. And now you believe it’s actually pleasurable? You know, so we have to take stock, we have to remember that in the present, before we start evaluating the future is negative or, you know, the most recent negative thing, we have to remember what God has done already. And give him glory for that.

27:08
And that brings me to my fourth encouragement to change in the new year is to focus. Focus on the good, what we focus on grows. It happens in every area of life, what we focus on, gross. So when you’re grateful to God for what he’s given you, and I’m talking emotional, talking spiritual, and I’m talking relational. When you focus on what He has given you, in your marriage, he gives you more. And I want to read a very important parable in my life that I have. I’ve really been grateful for, and it comes from. So Matthew 2514 It says for it’s just like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted them with his possessions. To one he gave five talents to another two talents and to another one talent, each according to his own ability, and he promptly went on his journey. The servant who had received the five talents went and put them to work and gain five more. Likewise, the one who had two talents gained two more. But the servant who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his masters money. After a long time, the master of those servants returned to settle accounts with them. The servant who had received the five talents came and presented five more master, he said, You entrusted me with the five talents see, I have given you five more. And His master replied, Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful with a few things. I will put you in charge of many things, in turn into the joy of your master. The servant who had received the two talents also came and said, Master, you entrusted me with two talents, see, I have gained you two more. And His master replied, Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful with a few things. I will put you in charge of many things Enter into the joy of your master. Finally, the servant who had received the one talent came and said, Master, I knew that you are a hard man, reaping where you have not sown, and gathering where you have not scattered seed. So when my fear I went and I hid your talent in the ground. See, you have now what belongs to you. And the master said, You wicked, lazy servant, replied the master. You knew that I reap where I have not sown and gather where I had not Saturday. gathered seed, then you should have deposited my money with the bankers. And on my return, I would have received it back with interest. Therefore take the talent, therefore take the talent from him and give it to the one who has 10 talents for everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance, but the one who does not have even what he has will be taken away from him. And throw that worthless servant into the outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. So the last verse there is pretty serious. And throw that worthless servant into the outer darkness where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. What I have discovered in these verses is that God entrusted each of us with everything we have everything, not material, not just material wealth, if the fact that you’re able to listen to my voice right now means you are more wealthy than at least 75% of the world, at least, so you have been entrusted my dear wife and husband, you have been entrusted with great wealth. So what are you doing with that wealth? But even more so, you know, what I’m even talking about is emotional, spiritual.

31:39
That kind of stuff in your marriage? You know, are you saying, Well, I don’t have the kind of marriage they have. So I don’t have enough to work hard on it, or I don’t have to do much. You know, I haven’t given been given the kind of husband that she had, I don’t have the kind of looks that she had. So I wasn’t able to attract that man that was able to have a lot of money. So I get to make my man feel miserable. Because XY and Z know that is not what God is calling us to be about. That was the lazy servant. That was the one that was thrown in outer darkness. Your job regardless of if you were given five talents, or two talents, or one talent, your job is not to compare. Your job is to say, You know what, my master, the God of the universe gave me what he gave me because he knew something that I don’t know. And I am going to invest it. I am going to work hard I am going to bring back I’m going to say when when I’m coming home, he is going to say well done good and faithful servant, you have been faithful with a few things. I will put you in charge of many things, Enter into the joy of your master. Enter into the joy of your master. That’s what God’s gonna say to you. If you are faithful with the few things, my dear wife, if you are faithful with a few things, that’s your time, your resources, your money, your passions, your affections, your servant heartedness. If you are faithful with those few things, with your marriage, with your relationships, with your kids, with your family, with your ministry, with your emotions with your character, those few things, if you are faithful, He will put you in charge of many things in turn to the joy of your master. And you don’t know if he’s going to put you in charge of many things on Earth, or in eternity, because he turned me God’s got work for us to do, we’re not just going to float around on clouds all day and eat bonbons. He’s going to have work for us to do and it’s going to be affected by what we’ve done here on earth. He will put us in charge of many things, there is more to be done. So I want to encourage you wherever you are in your marriage right now. You can be a good steward, you can be faithful with those few things. So again, for everyone who has will be given more for everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance but the one who does not have and here’s where I would input the one who thinks he does not have even what he has will be taken from him because that guy had a talent. But he thought he didn’t have anything. But God said even what he has will be taken away. So that is why I say focus. Focus on what you do have focus on how to invest in that. Appreciate what you Have invest in that be faithful with that, so that it can grow so that God can do more in your life in eternity. All right, serious stuff, serious, serious, serious stuff of talking about eternity, it’s not. It’s not something to laugh over. But I know that you are going to be faithful, I know that you are going to make big, big changes this year. 2019. So, the four things I encourage you, change your thoughts, interrupt those patterns, change your habits 40% of your life or habits. When you start feeling fear, you respond with affirmations of faith out loud, just one example. And then evaluate, become aware of your progress. Don’t forget to realize and thank God for what you’ve already accomplished, where God has already taken you in your marriage. And the last one is focus. Focus on what God wants you to be faithful with. And you are faithful in the small and God is going to reward you. Alright, my dear, I love you. I’m so grateful you’re tuned in I am going to do a little song for you that I hope will encourage you after the music

36:24
Alright, let me pray for you real quick. Father, God, the woman on the other end of this microphone. Lord, I just ask in Jesus name whatever stirred on her God, that you would just fan that flame. Lord give her fire for you again, God remind her of her first love, Father that 2019 is a year is that that life change happens that she grows closer to you, God, and then becomes more committed to your word, and your your ministry that you’ve called her to. And yeah, whatever you need to do, that she needs to whatever action she needs to take that you would lead her in that she is your daughter. It says that your sheep know your voice, and that I pray that she would know your voice. And God she would be guided, she would be kept from the wolves, Lord, and you would teach her in Jesus name. Amen. All right. And with that, I once again I want to just offer I would love to speak with you. If I have time on my calendar. Quickly book it, but one on one. And I hope that we can really get to the bottom of what’s going on. If you give me the opportunity to speak with you and I’m sure God is going to do some cool things. All right. That’s www.dy M dot h s.me. God bless you. I am excited. I will be talking to you next Tuesday, as well. And yeah, Happy New Year. Bye.

37:59
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it. Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion.

38:25
How wanna sit at your feeds, drink from the cup in your hands. Lay back against you can breathe. Feel your heart be. This love is so de. It’s more than I can stand out in your piece. It’s so overwhelming. I wanna sit at your feet to drink from the cup in your hands. Lay back against you and breathe. Feel your harpy Miss Love so Dee. It’s more than I can stand. Amelle chin your piece. It’s overwhelming. I wanna sit at your feet. drink from the cup in your hands. Lay back against you and breathe. Feel your heart be. This love is so D it’s more than I can stand out in your piece. It’s so overwhelming. mean Jesus, I wanna sit at your feet. drink from the cup in your hands, lay back against you and breathe. Feel your Harpy. This love is so deep. It’s more than I can stand. I’m melting your piece. It’s so over me

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1 in 4 women this year will be sexually abused. You may never know who… your sister, best friend, daughter, mother, wife…

You may have been the victim. I’m so sorry for your pain and what you have been through. You are not alone and you do not need to feel shame any longer.

Today’s podcast is to help all women process the pain of abuse. I think it affects all of us whether we ourselves have experienced it or not, we live in a culture where that is the norm…

• When was the last news show you were able to get through without hearing at least one incident of violence against a woman?
• 1 in 5 searches on the internet are for pornography and 90% of pornography is violent towards women.
• Most women who have been abused are not believed even if they have the courage to speak out–so most stay silent.

Here’s what I cover:

• Why are women abused?
• Why the shaming question she is always asking herself: “why didn’t I know better?” or “she was asking for it” isn’t her fault based on her God-given nature
• My experiences with sexual abuse
• Why I think it’s vital that we continue to understand women’s experiences and give them a voice and let them know we hear them and believe them
• Why we all need to be speaking about it and not expect only the victims to

How does it affect your marriages…

• What if you have sex without wanting it in your marriage? Why that makes you feel abused even though it might not actually “abuse”

• It affects sex, her feelings of safety and I have some specific guidance for that (get my specific guide referenced on the show! Send me a message to get the Connection Session Guide email, me here: belah@delightyourmarriage.com)

Resources:

• TED Talk that I mentioned: The truth about unwanted arousal by Emily Nagosaki
• Nomore.org
• #Metoo founder talk Me Too Is A Movement Not A Moment by Tarana Burke
• Connection Session Guide send me a message at belah@delightyourmarriage.com

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Here’s what is covered in today’s episode

• There are a ton of “submit” verses in the Bible.
  • They were used to abuse me in my first marriage.
  • I think these also have made men feel that they had the right to abuse & justify their actions with the misuse of these scriptures.
• But what people don’t realize is they are reading the Bible (and even translations of the Bible) through a patriarchial lense.
  • Don’t believe me?
  • What does “help-meet” mean?
    • This word which Eve is supposed to be to Adam.
    • Well, it’s not the supporting, secondary, servant role you may have always thought.
    • The original word in Hebrew is “ezer kenegedo”. Ezer is used 21x in the Old Testament
      • When speaking of Eve 2x in Genesis, it’s translated as “help”
      • Three times it is used to describe a powerful nation that comes to save the nation of Israel from their enemies
      • The other 16x it’s used to describe God as a military warrior, the powerful savior, giving  desperate salvation from foes
      • Is that how you see women?
      • Is that how you see yourself?
• What if more verses are viewed through this patriarchial lense and we just aren’t aware?
• What scriptural references do we KNOW for sure speak of female leadership even in the New Testament (sprinkled among the books including “wives submit to husbands” verses are found):
  • Woman apostle
  • Paul honoring the 10 out of 28 people who have been colaborers
  • Woman deacons

• As a feminist myself, this material breaths life to my soul

• BUT, what if there IS something to this “submitting” thing in the 21st century, Christian marriages with powerful, feminist women…?
• What if there’s an empowering message for both men and women when done “right”?
• This is a morsel of a much larger conversation, but God-willing it will leave all of us with a bit more of a softened heart to where God may be leading us.

This isn’t easy territory, but I pray that it is an eye-opening episode for every listener.

—

It was my husband’s birthday this week and I’m asking every listener to take 5 minutes to review the show!

If you’re not sure how, here’s a link for delightyourmarriage.com/itunes

Download this episode!

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah. Rose.

0:18
Oh, right. Welcome, welcome, I am so grateful that you are joining me on the delight your marriage Podcast. I’m not sure if this is your first time, if so, welcome. This is going to be less scary than you think it is with such a title. But I will say that this is a podcast where I really focus in on how to make your marriage, the best really as peaceful and purposeful and most fulfilling and in God’s well as possible, to really give you joy and fulfillment in this life, and most importantly, to bring most glory to God and ultimately, to do what is most important in eternal life. So today, I’m going to be talking about submitting, which is a really difficult topic to be talking about, I’m going to be talking about how I think so many people have got it wrong, and how I used to think about it that I think was absolutely wrong, and actually resulted in the abuse of my marriage. But I also want to talk about what could it look like when it’s actually done right? That you might be very surprised about. And it’s actually very empowering, and freeing and really just wonderful, in a very different way than probably you’ve ever heard about it. So I’m going to talk about that. Now, today, I want to just encourage you actually funny enough, I have recorded this podcast on my husband’s birthday, which was just last week, and I had a little surprise party for him with wonderful, dear friends of ours from church in the neighborhood. And it was really, really a special time. But as a gift to him, you may know that my husband is incredibly invested in this podcast, he prays for you all, he listens to every podcast before I post it, because He just cares so much. And I want to ask you for a little birthday present for him. If you would take a couple minutes this week, to post a review of the podcast on iTunes or Stitcher or wherever you listen to the podcast. Just a quick review a sentence or two? What is this podcast meant in your life, I know that we have heard really amazing stories about what God has done through it. And I just encourage you. Often when people are scrolling through podcasts on what to listen to, they look really only at the numbers of how many reviews a podcast gets. And so I’m just requesting that you go ahead and take a moment to add one additional review to that number right now. I think we’re at like 116 So what I’m hoping for by the end of this week is 200 I know that there are far far far many more of you that listen from literally around the world, almost every country which is just shocking, really, I never listened I never look at the numbers because I don’t like the way that it affects me positively or negatively or prideful or all these kinds of things. But I happen to need to the other day because I was switching background hosting thing so I needed to look at some of the analytics that way and it was shocking. So I just encourage if you haven’t taken a moment to do that I just asked if you could put that on your your goal list this week to just get it done. should take no more than five minutes. If you’re not sure how to do it for iTunes I’ve got a quick tutorial just step by step instructions that delight your marriage.com/itunes Yeah, thanks so much for doing that this week as a little birthday present to my husband and ultimately something that’s going to get more of the word out of delight your marriage and God willing to bring more listeners and more people into alignment with Jesus in their marriages and in their lives and peace and purpose and joy in their marriages. All right God bless let’s listen into yeah this difficult but God willing, really freeing content

4:53
father, I come before you Lord, and I asked you got to I give wisdom. And I pray, Lord, that my words would be your heart, God and you would direct me. And I pray that the wife, on the other end, God would have a heart of discernment and wisdom and a soft heart, God, soften our heart. And I pray also for the husband that may be listening God, that You would also soften his heart God. And we would both look with fresh eyes at what you might want to speak to us through this conversation. In Jesus name, Amen. So this is the second time that I’m recording this, and I throw out a lot of my notes from the first time because it’s a really hard topic to have a conversation about submit is, is really wrought with, I think, misunderstandings, and it has been the basis of a lot of abuse of women through the centuries. And I think that there is a ways to understand what I hope that there are ways that I can open eyes to see what is biblical, and what might be our interpretation of things that are actually incorrect. So what does submission? What is it actually biblical submission? If you do a Google search, and a concordance search or something, and, you know, what does, what does the Bible say about husbands and wives submitting, you’ll find a lot of verses and there, there are a ton of them. And it’s, you know, it feels very, like, hard to see it any other way, but that the wife obeys the husband. And that’s, that’s the end of the story. That’s what it is. And that’s what it looks like in my previous marriage, you know, my husband would tell me what to do, and I would do it, and I would have resentment and anger, and I would fight back. But then eventually, I would do it. And I would apologize, and I would come back. And then shortly thereafter, I would, you know, have this resentment and that kind of thing, because I was being treated like a child. And you know, and not even maybe not even that extreme, you know, maybe there were times that I just, I wasn’t treated like a queen or a princess, you know. And so, I, you know, I felt like I wasn’t being taken care of, I felt like he didn’t care about my needs as a woman. And cherishing me and loving me and caring about me and taking me on dates and taking care of our finances and taking care of our family. I felt completely alone and lonely and abused. And and that’s what submission was for me. And so when I, you know, read about it in the Bible, I tried my very best to do it. But you know, I couldn’t I was I was grasping to hold on, because it was it was so I wasn’t getting what I needed. So how could I quote, submit? You know, but it’s so it’s so hard to describe, because there were things that I were I was doing as, quote, submission. So I would, he would tell me that I need to work on humility and pride. And so I would buy books on humility, and read them and underline them and do Bible studies on humility. And very literally, these are things that I would do, or he told me that I needed to work on sex. So I would go and figure you know, find books on it and read them Christian books. And I thought I was doing you know, what I was supposed to do as a as a wife who submits, now I would just do what he told me to do. And so, but resentment grew, I mean, it just very naturally grew was me just to resent whatever he had to tell me, because it was just a constant. I needed to change in this way. And he needed to teach me this. And he was always justified in doing the things that he was doing because he was the leader of our household and I wasn’t letting him lead if he didn’t. He wasn’t able to do certain things. So if you’ve listened to part one of this abuse series, you’ll hear more of the story, but

9:44
I mean, I was absolutely abused in that marriage. And one of them was finances. I made the money because I was working three jobs and he was in school, but so was I and anyway, he had to have the most expensive everything. Even like polo T shirts, rather than like going to the thrift store and buying $3 T shirts, no, no, it had to be brand new polo shirts is what was required for him. And so much so that I was an RA, we weren’t living together, I was an RA to save money. And so during spring break, I wasn’t allowed to go stay with him at his apartment. Instead, I had to stay at a friend’s apartment because she went home to her family. I stayed at her apartment, and we had no money, so much so that I bought a pack of protein bars. And I ate one protein bar a day, for a week, until I was able to go back to my job as an RA, and they pay for your food. So I was able to eat. And so I mean, that’s the level of control he had over me and justified it with me submitting to him. And there’s verses in the Bible that you could read that concordance search, and you could be like, yeah, he was doing just what he was supposed to do. And, you know, in your heart, that’s not right. You know, it’s not right. And so when we look at the Bible, we have to look at it in context of what they’re really talking about. And we have to look at it with humility, to say, You know what, it says this, but I’m wondering if that’s God’s heart for this world. And and, you know, does that align with some of the other things I know about God of, of other stories, and, you know, the ways that he made it. So for example, something that is very sad, that we have understood for, you know, I’ve understood my whole life. It wasn’t until my pastor talked about this just a few weeks ago, several weeks ago when they did series, but it was the helpmeet. Word in, in the creation story, where when God created man and said, It’s not good for man to be alone. And so he created a quote, helpmeet for for Adam, and that was Eve, and that word as a connector help meet, I want to just break it down. Connect Oh means equal part of a hole. So it’s perfectly corresponding to the other part. It’s like you have half of a circle, and then the other half is an equal, equal parts needed. Victor Hamilton actually says what God created for Adam, will exactly correlate with Adam. It’s like the North Pole and the South Pole. No one debates about who is better, but they’re needed for this world to turn properly. So as are that other word helper, that’s actually used 21 times in the Old Testament, two times in Genesis, it’s used to describe women. Three times it is used to describe a powerful nation that comes to save the nation of Israel. They are the helper that saves the nation of Israel. It’s not it’s not just a someone that comes in serves the nation of Israel, like a slave or servant. No, no, they save the nation of Israel. And then the other 16 times in the Bible, it’s used to describe God, God as the Savior, as the powerful almost, and a lot of times in a military context, where someone is desperately needed, when being saved is desperately needed. And that’s where God comes in. A couple of verses to describe this as the verse I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from? Which is, My help comes from you, the creator of heaven and earth. So it’s not just a servant helper. That’s not what we’re talking about. We’re talking about savior, help, needed desperately. All right, and so then. So, when you look at scripture, it actually has been interpreted in a patriarchal worldview, because that’s what we’ve been living through for generations. And so when we look at Scripture, we have to realize that it’s not

14:44
it’s God breathed. It teaches us it it of edifies us, but we have to do it with humility, because we are fallible humans, God is not fallible, but we are fallible, so our interpretations may be wrong because because that’s the way it is we’re we’ve got to interpret the scriptures, you know, languages, I don’t know if you’re familiar, but you know, a language, a language to another language to another language, there’s so many nuances just between words that things don’t, easily or clearly, or automatically line up with another word. And so we have to, you know, in the Bible, they’ve had to take shortcuts where one word that might have a rich variety of meanings, or basically a phrase, that would actually mean the meaning of one word, and they’ve had to shortcut it into helper rather than savior, powerful military context. You know, help in in the terms of needed, you know, support. So. So, yeah, so that’s just understand, like, what you might have understood as all of this submission, and all this stuff that you have understood yourself as a woman is actually that God made you as a warrior, a Savior, to your husband, totally equal in half of the whole, right. And then, you know, part of scripture in Eve, it talks about, you know, when, when they sinned, God cursed Adam and Eve, and he cursed Adam, with him having to labor and toil with the ground of the earth, and that it was going to be, you know, hard, hard work. And tons of history can tell you that, you know, men have been out there slaving in the fields, and a lot of men are currently doing that in is hard, hard work. I mean, there are so many people around the world that are just slaving away at the Earth. But that’s not the way God wanted it to be. That was a curse. That was a curse. And a lot of men are not doing that anymore by God’s grace. And they’re, they’re able to enjoy so many other things. They don’t have to slave away in the earth. And the the curse that was on a woman, right was pain in childbirth, and that man rolling over her. But that is a curse. That is not the way it quote should be. It’s not that a woman should have to have pain in childbirth. So you know, in what is it when you get the shot in the back where you know, you’re numbed? That that’s not sacrilege and against what we should be doing? No, that’s no, that’s a gift. Great, great, let’s do it, bring on the mat. Uh, you know, if you want to medicated birth, if you want an unmedicated birth, now we have the options, that doesn’t mean that you are sinning because you aren’t ascribing to what a curse was. And that’s the same thing with a male ruling over the female. That’s not God’s intention. That was a curse. And so we are constantly supposed to be moving towards his kingdom on earth, you know, and that’s what Jesus came, he was able to break the curse, and he was able to break the curse of sin. And that’s what we have been living under. And we don’t have to, as followers of Jesus, we don’t have to live under that curse. So So yeah, just just a dollop of maybe your worldview has been shaped by ways that, you know, we haven’t been asked to live, that. I encourage you to just look with fresh eyes and, and just have some some fresh understandings. I haven’t read this book, but my pastor recommended is called half the church, and it’s about women in church. And anyway, I just encourage you to start reading about this stuff. If this is like, you know, revolutionary, and stuff that you just really can’t handle me talking about. Because I encourage you, there’s, there’s just tons of understandings out there that that are very well, based in the history of theology. In fact, let me talk about just the first Christians that were women. So in Romans 16, you know, Paul was talking to the church of Rome, and he was saying, you know, greet these particular people. And he wanted them to greet them with,

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with, with respect, and so it says, it starts out it says, I commend to you, our sister Phoebe, a servant of the church at sin Cray, that you may welcome her in the Lord in a way worthy of the saints and help her in whatever she may need from you. For she has been a patron Have many and of myself as well. And greet Priscilla and Aquilla my fellow workers and Christ Jesus who risked their necks for me, to whom not only I give thanks, but all the churches of the Gentiles give thanks as well greet also the church in their house, greet my beloved EP and nittis, who was the first convert to Christ in Asia greet Mary, who has worked hard for you Greet Andronicus and Junia, my kinsmen and my fellow prisoners, they are well known to the apostles and they are in the church, Christ before me. All right, I’ll stop there. He continues on and names 28 people, and 10 of those people are actually women. So that might be shocking. But let me tell you about some of those women that he lists. Phoebe is actually described as a deacon. And so the same word that he uses to describe himself, Paul, and also some other male leaders like Timothy, and Deacon, that word sorry, that’s used for Deacon is also translated as servant. And certainly Paul and Timothy are also servants. But in a lot of translations, when it’s referred to as a male, it’s referred to as Deacon and when is describing a female is referred to as servant, but it is the same word. So once again, with our patriarchal view worldview, a lot of translations have been infiltrated and have been, have been blinded to the quality of women and men, even in the church, history, and Priscilla and Aquilla. Now that’s a wife and a husband, and Priscilla is that couple has mentioned six times in the Bible and four times she is actually named before her husband, which is unique, and acts. There’s a great preacher, a polis, and Priscilla and Aquila actually explain they take him into their home and explain the ways of God more adequately, they basically are teaching him a proto, you know, where they should, where he should be, where his theology is a bit off. And so, so that is an example of Priscilla teaching a teacher. And then there’s another area where they leave Ephesus, and they’re teaching the both of them, and then talks about Jr. In Romans 16, seven, Andronicus and Junia says, outstanding among the POS of the apostles. So it’s actually describing Jr, this woman as an apostle. And this has caused a big ruckus because Paul and Peter are considered apostle, that’s the highest leadership in the church. And so how in the world could Jr, be an apostle? And so for years, actually, they actually, some people that were transcribing the Bible thought, well, it must not be a woman, it’s got to be a man. So they actually changed the name to Junius, which is a male’s name. And they use that translation from 1927 to the 1990s. And it wasn’t until that around the 1990s, that evidence came out that for sure it was a woman. And the translations have now mostly changed back to Junia as a woman, Apostle. So any there’s a there’s many others I could discuss with you, but don’t have the opportunity at this time. But the point is that many women were church leaders, and even at the very beginning, and if that’s not been your experience in the church, why? Why not? And so I just encourage you to maybe there’s a way to consider this differently. And so now you might be like, okay, all right, fine. So there were Christian leaders, all that kind of stuff. What about submission? You could, you know, do that concordance search, you can see all these words about submission? Well, I want to say, maybe you haven’t been interpreting the scriptures appropriately. Maybe there are other ways that when you look at the character of Jesus and the character of God, and the ways that he used women, that the scriptures have been used to abuse women, not to

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hold them in the proper place that they should be. So that’s my first point there. The second point is that I want to use a word called surrender, not submit, because I think submit is wrought with so much negativity and is so misunderstood and misinterpreted by men, and by women who have sadly been I think infiltrated by the patriarchal society that we live in today. And have been for generations, and the Bible has been interpreted for generations that way. But excuse me, um, surrender, I think is a biblical notion. And I want to describe what that word means. And I think it is biblical. And I’ve talked about the surrendered wife many times on the, on the podcast, because I think it basically teaches a 21st century understanding here That’s Biblical, even though this is not a Christian book. But I think it gives us wisdom as wives, that actually accords with the Bible in these very hard to understand scriptures. So surrender. I believe what what that looks like, is relaxing, releasing control, freeing yourself up. Treating your husband with respect, and receiving the pleasure of life and joy, that He longs to give you, your husband and receiving the protection and the ability to be taken care of, and receiving the good things that a woman wants in a marriage. And I want in my marriage. And that’s what surrender allows for. But surrendering does not mean being. being told what to do, having to obey Him, not having a personality, not having an opinion, being beneath him, being the primary take care of take care take caretaker of kids, believing that he’s smarter than you that he makes all the decisions that you don’t get to say what you think that you don’t get a say in things that you don’t get to respond that you get to be insulted. And you just have to deal with negative comments and a negative, disrespectful way that he is to you. That’s not what I’m talking about. That’s not surrendering. I don’t think that’s what God wants either. But surrendering is being dignified as a woman is respecting yourself, and being cherished in your own home. And being honored. And having the freedom to do what you want, without the pressure to have to control what’s going on. So that’s what my marriage looks like now is that I am my highest value in my relationship with my husband, in the way that I treat him is respectfully, what that used to mean, in my first marriage was what I kind of described was to do whatever he said, and that was respect. But it also was a pattern of criticism and resentment and anger and, you know, just unrest and strife. And that wasn’t respected at all. You know, and kind of combating his teaching with my teaching and, you know, trying to justify myself and all that kind of stuff. Instead, what it looks like now is that I’m not critical. And I don’t try to teach or make him change those or that doesn’t speak respect to me anymore. Now I, I try to encourage the things that I think are wonderful about him. And I try to hold my tongue when I want to criticize when I want to bring him down a peg, I try to hold my tongue. And I try to encourage the things that I think are wonderful about him. And by God’s grace, he becomes more of the man that I think is wonderful about him because I’m giving such wonderful feedback. And I’m so happy with those things. Because he wants me to be happy. He wants to treat me like a queen. But if I don’t give him the space to do that, he doesn’t have the ability. He doesn’t have the freedom to take, excuse me full responsibility to go ahead and make me happy. And so

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what what I think trips a lot of people up is it’s like, okay, well what about Christ in the church, that metaphor that describes husband and wives? Because isn’t that like, you know, the church has got to just lay it all down and follow Jesus and That is absolutely the ideal is that, you know, Jesus is laying his life down for her, the church, and she is submitting or surrendering to what he is, you know, leading her to. So, you know, I don’t know where you are in your marriage, I don’t know what your marriage looks like. But when you get to a spot where you are able to do that, I, I want you to do that, you know, my husband would absolutely lay his life down for us, for me, my kids. I mean, he even says that, and it’s absolutely true. Like he is a man of honor and wisdom. And he’s incredible. He’s an incredible man. That’s not how he’s always been. And I have not always been the woman that has surrendered, and has been able to encourage who he is that looks like Jesus. And slowly but surely, he’s become more of the man to be like Jesus, and I have become more of a woman that is happy to be led in the ways that he is leading us and moving us towards Jesus. But you know, what’s interesting is that, because I have not exerted the control that I used to exert, he then is freed up to take full responsibility of our family, because he doesn’t have to contend with me, as to whether or not I’m going to fight him for whatever it is, where I’m like, I know that you’re following Jesus, I know that you are leading this family to where you feel convicted, it needs to go. But you know what that is? That is responsibility. That is serious responsibility. When you are charged with leadership, that is responsibility. And that means eternal responsibility, right? And so when you actually give him that responsibility, he feels it. There is a weight on his shoulders now, because he can’t just, you know, blame it on her. Now he is responsible. Because that’s what happened in the Garden of Eden, right? She gave him the fruit. And he took the fruit and ate it. And then he blamed on on her. Well, it’s the wife that gave it to me. God was like, no, no, no, you are responsibly, sir. And so that’s what it’s like, if you don’t give him responsibility. If you don’t surrender, he can’t be responsible. He can’t be the man that God wants him to be. Because he’s like, Well, I don’t have, I don’t have to, like, he just throws up his hands. But he, when you actually surrender, when you actually be like, well, we’re gonna drown if you’re not the one that saves us. So, you know that I mean, I was coaching a woman just the other day that, you know, I was like, if you’re, if you died, your husband would take care of your family, you know, he would, he would step it up, you know, he would, so that he can step up, so that he can feel the weight of responsibility on his shoulders, because you trust Him, you make him feel like he is a man that can do it. And then he does, and then he shocks the socks off of you, because he does. And you might be like, you know, belah, you don’t know my husband, he doesn’t have the capability of, of leading our household, you know, I’ve got to tell him what to do with all the finances because he can’t do it himself. Like, there’s no way he could do that. You know, I’ve got to teach him XY and Z, because he is so far away from wise choices in that realm. Well, let me tell you a tiny bit about my story with my current husband now, because I was in those shoes. I was like, but there is no way he can, for example, handle our finances none. We had to have argument after argument about it. And there was so much tension and strife and I was just like this, why is this not working? I know how to do all these other things in our marriage. Why is the finances not

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you know, why is there strife here? And eventually what happened was, you know, oh, well, let me tell you a little bit about our backgrounds is that I went to college I graduated I became had various, actually kind of three or four other careers and I, several of them I had to manage budgets, and even up to, I think it was more than a million dollars is probably the biggest budget that I’ve managed. And so that’s actually been part of my role to do those kinds of things. And I really love strategy. And I really love just Yeah, I mean, I love kind of thinking about things like that sometimes so. So, um, you know, to think that I was the most equipped person to handle our finances is probably an understatement. And so my husband, though, was grew up in a very, very poor, far under poverty level, and family and he had to work at a very early age, which means he did not get to focus on studies, his highest education was finishing high school. And, you know, I actually am kind of mad at his high school teachers, because I think there are a lot of gaps there that he has to, he has had to learn all by himself, which hasn’t been fair. But anyway, he is a brilliant, brilliant man. But in terms of formal education. That’s, that’s it. And he didn’t actually have exposure to computers, and the Internet and that kind of stuff until he was in his 20s. And so, or late teens, at least pretty, I think it was 20s. Anyway, he. So there was no reason for him to be able to understand even how to do this, everything was in my name. All the bills were paid, you know, online stuff that he had no idea of, so why in the world, would that be something that I would surrender to him? I mean, that seems to make no sense at all. And yet, there was so much strife around it, and I read, surrendered wife, and I was like, You know what, I, I’m gonna just do a crazy thing right now. And I’m gonna surrender it. And I’m just gonna say, You know what, God, if it takes him five or 10 years of, you know, wasting money until he gets it, or if it, you know, kills me, at least I’m happy because I don’t even know what’s going on. Maybe we’re 30 or $300,000 in debt, well, it’s up to him, he is good. He’s gets the weight, he has to feel what’s wrong, you know, I don’t, I don’t see it. It’s not up to me. And so it took a while, took some months of him to actually trust that I was giving it up. And he started to move, he started to really take ownership of those finances. And he even went and took a class, a financial class, Financial Peace University, he took that class, he paid everything online, every little bill that I had, you know, swept under the rug and been like, Oh, it’s just a medical bill, I don’t want to pay that, or whatever, it just these, these things that I myself was, was not attending to, he just flew with it. And now I don’t think about it, like, you know, when it comes to mine, and I, you know, started getting concerned or whatever. And I’m, I mentioned it, and he’s like, babe, I’ve got it, you don’t have to worry about it. And it’s like a huge relief on me that I don’t have to be concerned that it’s up to him to take care of our family, and the kind of power and the kind of respect he feels, because he has that full responsibility. And so then he can treat me like the queen. I deserve to be treated like he can say, Hey, honey, let me take you on a date. Let me buy you flowers, or, you know, I, I bought some food for us, or we’re going on a picnic with the family or whatever. He is the one that knows the money that’s available. So he is the one that can then buy me dinner. And that’s all up to him. And it’s beautiful. I feel so romantic. I’m romanced by this man rather than before. It’s like, well, we don’t have the money to do that. But now it’s like, I don’t know if we have the money or not. But my husband’s saying we do. So I get to just enjoy I don’t even have to think about it’s like we’re dating again. And so that’s what surrender looks like it doesn’t look like

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it doesn’t it doesn’t look like what it used to look like. And this is what it was required though. He wouldn’t have been able to get there if I hadn’t have surrendered control and not criticized and not been having my fingers on it at all, but just honey, I can’t I can’t do it anymore. It’s too stressful. And and then give it all to him all of it. So that’s just one example of what surrender looks like in my marriage and and how we have a peaceful marriage and how, you know, God is able to lead us because that’s my, my posture. And once again, it’s not something that you know, now I have to do everything he says or, or whatever. But ultimately what it is, is it’s respect and it’s you know the way I describe something that I want is I describe it as something I want not as something we have to do or something he should do. I describe it as like, Honey, I’d really love to go to this place, do this thing. And then, because he wants to make me happy, because he loves me, he wants to make it happen. But he also knows the confines of our finances. So he’s, he might have to be like, well, you know, could we wait till next month, or, you know, I don’t think we can do that right now. But for the far majority of it, and we don’t, you know, we’re not brilliantly rich, we actually are pretty humble means at this point, and yet, he wants to make it happen for me, because he loves me. And if you think about that, as Christ in the church, it’s like, wow, he loves me. And he cares about what I want. Because he loves me. And he wants to lay his life down for me, like, Wow, that’s incredible. You know? So, um, so yeah, it’s different, it’s very, very different than you may have ever thought about it. And, you know, can I give a little bit of insight, or a little bit of advice to the husband, you know, demanding that, that she submits, and all this kind of kinds of things that actually it’s, it’s abusive, it’s not helpful. But what it can be is for you to, to love her in a very different way. And to look into this, like, read, read half the church, read that book, start to read feminist understandings of the Bible, so that you can start to treat her like she should be treated, she is equal to you. She is a savior and powerful and a warrior. She’s not the housekeeper. That is not what the woman that bears god image is supposed to be. But then as the woman surrendering, your marriage is freedom, and it’s in it’s joyful. And I love it. And, and I have managed men, many times, and I have come home to respect and love my husband in surrendering to Him. And, you know, you don’t respect and surrender, because he’s this incredible man. But you will be shocked when you do how much he becomes more of an incredible man and becomes an incredible man. And when you look at it, in the scriptures in that context, you start to be like, Oh, maybe that’s why it says, when I am essentially a woman of dignity, then he will be one over to Christ. Hmm, that starts to change your perspectives. And it doesn’t change it quickly, may or may. Not necessarily does your marriage change quickly. But I would say literally, you will see changes within three months. You absolutely bar none. And so So yeah, men, masculinity, the ones that you probably more than likely what you have been taught, growing up is wrong, it’s absolutely dead wrong. You do not become a man because of the way you abused women, the way you use them sexually, or the way you think about them, or that kind of thing. That is not what it being a man is, what being a man is, is laying your life down for women. And, and and what I am talking about does not mean that we’re demonizing men, at all, is that men need our voices. Women need our voices. You know, so many men have reached out to me on my podcast, because they’ve said, you know, the way you talk about men is not disrespectful. And so they have been encouraged when they listen to the podcast. But I just want to encourage I want to just challenge you men, you have been in an abusive

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society that has abused women in so many respects, and your wife has been abused in the society and it’s not okay. And so for you to take a season to understand what it means to biblically, look at womanhood, to really look at it and seriously go to the extremes of Christian feminist thought processes. I mean, half the half the churches, not as extreme as it comes, but go there and just see just open your eyes just just in case. You might have been misled to think help meet means that you get to have a housemaid for your wife like that’s not at all what it means. And actually the burden you carry to lay your life down for the church. I mean, the the burden that Christ carried for the church? Is that what you’re doing when you think about your wife? And so I just encourage you, man, when you think about woman, how do you think about her, and I encourage you, daughter of the Most High, there is more, there is far more, far more joy for you. It’s different than what you thought it was. I promise you that it’s different. It’s hard to articulate. That’s why I had to pray and, and just trust that God’s gonna use this somehow, some way to get through. But it’s different than what you thought it was. So let me just pray again. Father, you are good. And you know better. You know the best. And you know that we are fallible and higher are the heavens than above the earth or your or your ways higher than our ways and your thoughts higher than our thoughts God and we trust that what we needed to hear from this episode we heard, and we are encouraged and edified and challenged God. And I pray, Lord, that the wife, the husband, that is on the end of this podcast, Lord, that You would take them by the hand and say, let’s walk on this together. Let’s do this together. And Lord, if there is repentance that is needed God, I asked God for sweet repentance, that it is your kindness that leads us to repentance. It is your kindness. It’s not shame. It’s kindness, that you love us. You want us closer. You want more goodness in our hearts, you want to broaden and soften it so that we can love more we can give more. Lord, I pray that you would make dramatic changes in the lives of those that are listening. In Jesus name.

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Amen. Thanks so much for listening in. I’m just praying that whatever God wanted you to hear and the nuggets he wanted you to pull out that’s going to be relevant to you in your marriage, that that would be what you process and think about this week. And I pray that you’d come back next week, we’re going to be talking about sexual abuse. Very hard topic, topic, excuse me, but something that we absolutely need to be talking about one in four women are sexually abused and will be sexually abused this year. So it is definitely something that I want to discuss with you. And if you know anyone or have been abused yourself, I hope that you’ll tune back in to process that with me. In the meantime with I’d love to receive a review from you to learn how go to delight your marriage.com/itunes And yeah, an honest review of how delight your marriage has impacted your life. That would be phenomenal. Thank you so much. God bless you. I’m praying for you. I love you so much.

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Thanks for joining. If you’ve been inspired by this show, would you help spread the word? If you take a moment to review and subscribe others can find us more easily. Find out how to delight your marriage.com forward slash iTunes. Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

This one honestly wasn’t that easy to think through or record.

Here’s what I cover:

• how I hold my opinions about women in the church and I think we all should
• how women showed up in the Bible
• I think Christian men should be on the forefront of the movement to end sexual abuse against women (Jesus would have been)
• women in ministry leadership
• the things I’m still processing around this
• your sexual abuse story should be believed, heard, processed, given space
• and the same goes for church abuse (of any kind)
• the body of Christ needs women in leadership because they are lacking without us

Download this episode!

0:01
Hi there, and welcome. I am grateful that you are joining me today on the delight your marriage podcast. I don’t know if you’ve been here before, but we talk about all sorts of things that matters, your marriage, whether it is physical intimacy, I get really specific on things as much as I can be on a public podcast like this emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and how those combining and how God uses marriage for His glory. And today, I want to talk about abuse. Some more, we are on our third part of this series. And this is one that I want you to know very clearly from the get go, I am still processing. I was made aware yesterday actually, that I hadn’t I there was still a big deficit in my ability to articulate this topic. Which I think is a good thing. And that’s why I kind of wanted to talk about it with you today. Because

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I think sometimes we we think think we’ve got things figured out and then

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experiences happen. And we’re like, Oh, I did not have that all tied up in a nice package and bow. And so it’s good. I mean, God challenges us. And he tweaks our understandings of things. And I also think that sometimes God uses people are at different times in history. And he also uses certain understandings at different times in history, that propelled the ability of the next time in history is so for example, I would say a lot of the early Christians. I know, I don’t know enough about biblical history to give you names or whatever. But, you know, a lot of them thought about sex in a certain way that I don’t think is the right way to think about it. But that doesn’t, Nolan void all the ways that they did, do God’s work and think, you know, things that were so helpful to the kingdom of God. And it also doesn’t Nolan void, maybe, if they hadn’t thought about sex in this way, there wouldn’t have been a response to them think about sex in another way that then ultimately, what I believe God has given me the capacity and capability to think about sex in this way. And maybe the next generation are you the person that’s listening to it on the on the podcast, is then able to think about sex, and in this way, a different way, a little bit in your own marriage. So I in no way think that my opinions and my voice and my stories, and the way I even share all of these thoughts is the last word on it. I am not God, and I don’t have all the background and all the accolades and all this stuff to tell you that I know everything. Because I don’t, God has certainly taught me quite a lot. And I think my doubt on my own opinions is helpful for me to have better opinions than I’ve had in the past. But I don’t think that we are supposed to hold our opinions with a big, firm grip, I think it should be more with an open hand that God’s gonna mold us and shape us and change us and teach us is this a side note, but I think that’s what’s so scary about things like social media is, when we put stuff out there, we have this we have this pool to be consistent. We have like, a tug on our, on our personhood to be consistent with what we said yesterday or two years ago, whatever. So it’s really hard to change because that’s in text somewhere in the internet. It’s going to be there forever, and it feels very vulnerable to change. But if we’re not vulnerable, we we can’t change if we’re not willing to go there and be vulnerable. And so that’s why, you know, I am strong and confident on what I say because I think God has given me some help. That will help some people on the other end, but I will say that at At the same time, these are things that, you know, God’s got to discern, you’ve got to discern with God about what applies to you. And I want you to know that this is something I’m still processing. But I think it’s really important to talk about. Alright, so that’s my little introduction as we dive in. What happened yesterday is my church, I live in New York City. And I have an incredible, incredible church, they have walked with me through the hardest times, with my husband and I, and they’ve taken care of my kids they’ve treated, they’ve treated me so kindly. When I was in the hospital, multiple times, and they’ve treated my family so kindly, and they’ve been just unbelievable. It’s been incredible. They’re also not our perfect church, like every church is not a perfect church. And we’re all just trying to follow Jesus, the way that that he calls us to. But so my church was broadcasting a conference in California, in my pastor’s living room. And what happened was,

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there’s a woman, a black woman, who was preaching about women in church, and how there’s not representation in leadership for women. And, and I was really, I felt very encouraged by a lot of the things that she talked about. Because she was really focused on that women are equal to men. You know, there’s not, it’s not a true biblical notion in the context of the Bible that women are not equal. And yet, sadly, men have mis interpreted scripture to mean that they are equal, or they are unequal. And men are the higher beings. And I don’t believe that’s scriptural. And it was really powerful to hear this woman speak. Now, after the discussion, or sorry, after her teaching, she, there was an opportunity to discuss. And so once again, we’re all in my pastor’s home. And both of we actually have two pastors of our church, a husband and a wife. And they, you know, opened up the conversation, what does it mean to you know, what does this mean to you? The actual the question from the, the seminar from the conference in California, the question was, how does your opinion differ from? Or how does your perspective differ from what you just heard? And so it’s actually a very vulnerable question, because here, you just heard someone who’s got a sociology degree, who has authored books, who’s authored Bible studies about this particular topic, who knows very intimately the material, and you’re just kind of coming in cold and you’re asked to say, Well, I have a different perspective. But you know, me, I, I like to forge into card territory. So I went ahead and unit discussed, what I felt was kind of, you know, what, what, where I differed, and some of the things she said, but what I will say, and what I wish the first question was, is what, in what ways were you aligned with her perspective, because I had a two full pages of, well, I had a small journal, but two pages of Journal notes that aligned with what she said. So I kind of wish I was able to discuss that first. But then I went with the vulnerable way of saying something that I felt like I didn’t articulate well, in fact, I don’t think that if I had heard the recording of myself, playback that I would have agreed with what I said, because I guess maybe because I was uncomfortable on answering the question, How did my perspective differ? And I hadn’t thought it through and this woman clearly has a ton of experience that I don’t so who am I to differ so so yeah, so I I stumbled through trying to say something and and I Unfortunately, another woman cut me off to explain explain what the speaker had been meaning. And during the explanation of the of our, our church friend who, who cut me off, I, I felt a lot of emotion and I needed to go process that. And so I, when she finished her explanation, I got up and I went into the other room with my journal, and I started to write out what was going on. And then I started cry a bit, because there was a lot of emotion for me, because this topic is near and dear to my heart, not only because of the trauma I’ve experienced in my abusive marriage, not only that, but also my being abused by church leaders. Though, it wasn’t, it wasn’t sexual abuse, just to be clear, I have not experienced that though many have.

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But it was abuse. For sure. And, but then also, the fact that I speak to you on this podcast, there’s a lot of weight to what my I’m very invested in, in my opinions on this, because if I don’t have the right opinions on it, then here I am proliferating things that are actually hurting people and, and making them you know, feel more in bondage rather than and helping them to feel free in the ways God wants them to be. And then I think the other piece of it is, was a good amount of pride of like, here, I’ve done a lot of work on this, I’ve taken sociology classes myself, and my degree was in philosophy, I’ve taken feminist classes, I’ve was just watching a feminist documentary The other day, and, you know, I’m very, you know, I feel I’m adequately able to say these things. And I feel like I articulated myself very poorly. And I guess on top of that, the fact that she interrupted me, and I wasn’t able to even explain myself. So Oh, and I guess probably the final thing was the condescending tone of her voice and explaining to me some things that are incredibly rudimentary, that I felt invalidated all of my experience. Alright, so that’s kind of how I process things. And the reason I was able to process those things, the way that I just did with you is actually, my pastor came in, and she asked me if I was okay. And and I was able to process those things with her. And she was able to help me think through like, maybe being curious why it matters to me, what people think of my opinion, and, and how does it matter to me if people disagree with me, and I think a lot of it is wrapped up in this podcast that, you know, I speak to you, and so you can’t speak back and say, that doesn’t make a lot of sense to me, or, you know, so there’s that and maybe the pride of just people listen to this podcast, and I, you know, get to a spot of like, well, I must be right about all these things. And, you know, but then also the concern that if I’m wrong, like, what is that doing to the woman on the other side of this, this call? Or what is it doing to the pastor’s that listen, of being validated and the way they treat their women in the churches? You know? So. So yeah, I feel like, keeping my opinions with an open hand is really vital. And I want to encourage you on the other end of this conversation, that you keep your opinions with an open hand and you ask God to help you discern and process this the right way. I told you that my wife, I mean, sorry, I don’t have a wife. My pastor is a woman. I have a woman pastor and a man pastor, and she preaches on Sunday, and he preaches on Sunday, there’s actually four people that preach on Sundays. They rotate. And so we get we get to hear from women. And, you know, we just did a series actually, on women in the Bible that they call it Hidden Figures, I think, and there are many stories. I had never heard of women in the Bible. And you might think, well, haven’t you read the whole Bible before Bella? And I don’t think I have and I will say that I have certainly read a lot of the Bible but um, you know, I definitely have more to read and learn but these are My pastor was my pastors, actually all of them, the three men and the woman. Sorry, the teaching team is four. There’s two pastors, which is the man and the woman. But the teaching team, the three men and the woman, all taught on women in the Bible, and how important they were, they were prophetesses. And there was a woman who was a mystic. In the Old Testament, there was

15:31
a woman that killed a king. And there was a woman that that prophesied the demise of a kingdom, and that the king specifically went to for help. And there was, you know, the prophets in the Bible that even Paul, I think it was, I think it was Paul that talked about these women that were prophets. And, and, you know, there’s, there’s just so much I mean, Jesus was the one that even made sure that Martha and Mary were taught, just like men, you know, he was supporting feminism, like it never could have been seen in that context in that culture ever. So women are important to God’s work in this world. And if they are not given leadership in churches, if they are not permitted to be leadership in churches, I think we need to keep our opinions with an open hand, I think we need to be thinking about contexts, I think we need to be thinking about a lot. You know, because there’s a lot that women have that men don’t. And there’s a lot that men have that women don’t. But we both lack, when either of us are absent. I think in the context of a church. So what I was trying to articulate in this setting, yesterday, was something along the lines of the uniquenesses, in natures of men and women, and how, yes, they are equal, but they are not the same. Husbands and wives are equal, but they are not the same. I talk about Strengths Finder test a lot. I don’t know if you’ve heard me talk about it before. But there’s this test that I kind of adore. And it’s called Strengths Finder. And you take this test, and it’s like $20, at the most, I think online, and then it tells you basically your top five strengths out of 34 strengths. And this is like a business test. So they’ve got Gallup poll, I think is the the company that puts it on. So it’s all based on like tons and tons of research and data from businesses. But I think it is incredibly powerful in your own life, because it it helps you to navigate like, oh, okay, these are my strengths. So stop work is I need to stop worrying about my weaknesses and focus on my strengths. So I’ll tell you, my strengths are activator, positivity, communicator, and strategy. And I think there might be one more did I just say fi activator? positivity? Oh, and communicator. I see that. Okay, well, I think I got them all in there. Oh, futuristic. That was the one I didn’t say, futuristic. So when I talked to you, those are kind of the bigger strategies, the bigger strengths that I’m speaking out of, like, activators, kind of helping you to change getting you to move getting you to do an act and change. And the positivity is like this can happen. I am optimistic. I believe I have faith, you know, that’s kind of a natural proclivity to for me. The other one is communication, which obviously, I’m constantly doing when we you and I talk. The other one is Futuristic, which I believe helps me to talk to you about the future of what your marriage could look like and give you hope for it and think about, you know, being wiser now, so that in the future, it’s going to matter and then strategy. Lastly, is how to get there. How can we navigate these waters that are currently happening to get to where we want to go? So that’s kind of my view of my stream. As far as I understand that God’s given me so, and I continue to cultivate, and I continue to refine, and be careful with. So, yeah, so I encourage you to go ahead and take that test. Because it would give you a lot of insight, I believe, to your strengths. But as men and women, there are also strengths and weaknesses and kind of our nature that are different.

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And the reason I think it’s really important to realize the difference in natures, is because if you do not, you are probably like that, that’s essentially what I was kind of trying to articulate is that, you know, if we’re just the same as you know, men, then what, what does it matter whether or not women are in leadership, they’re just the same. You know, it just turns out that that that person’s a woman, that one’s a man, like, it doesn’t really matter. But the thing is, does because women are different than men, men are different than when we have uniquenesses, which is important. But I also don’t want to say that it is, you know, generalizing. So, part of what this podcast has to be about is generalizations because I’m talking to a broad audience, I’m not talking one on one with you, like I would be in coaching, but because it is generalizing, I will say that God has given women specific natures that are incredibly amazing receptivity and interesting and kindness and character and genuineness. I mean, there’s are lots of generalizations but you know, God uses women in different ways than then he uses men. And, you know, whether or not you want to agree with that, in terms of what’s, you know, kind of the nature of all women, it’s totally fine. Just, let’s just take it as you know, how did Jesus care about women? Well, you know, it’s interesting, because I let my husband listen to the first half of this podcast. And, and he just gave me like, a million examples of how Jesus was very specific to bring women into the conversation over and over and over again. So what about the parables that he had of that included women? Like, what about the woman who gave the money at the temple who she gave her last? two pennies when, you know, the, the Pharisees gave a lot of money to rich people, but she gave far more because she gave everything that she had. And he said that she was the most righteous. And, and then what about, you know, the woman that was supposed to be stoned to death because of the adultery? You know, he was the one that stood up for her and said, you know, anyone who is clean among you, you know, cast the first stone who someone who has no sin cast the first stone, you know, or I mean, he just constantly protected women constantly, constantly, constantly. And, you know, the, the me to movement? Well, okay, sorry. So think about the, the, the woman who, who poured out the expensive perfume, and wiped her hair on Jesus’s feet, and washed his feet with her tears, you know, the, the, the disciples looked at her with disgust, and knowing that she was a prostitute, and you know, saying, Jesus, why are you letting such a woman do this? And Jesus said, that she would be remembered for everyone that hears the gospel, they would remember her and her, her lavishness of love on him like that was what is appropriate, that lavishness of love, you know, and Why was Jesus born of a woman? Like why was that? Why did that matter that Mary was the one that birthed Jesus and why did it matter that that Elizabeth was her cousin? And she birthed John the Baptist. Why why is why are mothers so important to God and to Jesus’s story. So women are vital. Somehow, somewhere, it’s not the same. We are not the same as men. But we are equal. And Jesus once again, protected women over and over and over again, even when he was on the cross, He made sure that

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that someone was going to be taking care of his mother, that those women that were standing there that were honoring him, were going to be taken care of. And in that day and age, they needed that his mother needed someone to be taking care of her, how often does it talk about the taking care of the the widows and the poor and the orphans? You know, women are really important to Jesus really important to God. And I just think about, you know, so this me to movement, I don’t, I don’t know all the details of it. But a lot of what I do know, I’m very, very grateful for, because so many women have suffered for so long, and they fight to suffer in silence. There is so much sexual abuse in this world, and men of God should be on the forefront of protecting women. That is what Jesus was about protecting women. Because God has got a unique and important assignment for women. You know, once again, Jesus first came to women, the angel first came to women to say, Here I am, that God is that Jesus was raised from the dead. Women were the first ones evangelizing I guess, if that’s the term bringing the good news the to the disciples to say they were the ones that trusted first, you know, there, there are reasons, women that God has for women that are unique, but equal, not to say they’re better, not to demonize men. But men should be all about to the movement to help women to feel empowered, to not feel ashamed if they’ve been sexually abused or molested, or, or treated poorly or sexually harassed. It is so common for so many women, to feel that way to feel marginalized, to feel abused, to have been raped to have been date raped to have been assumed that, oh, she must have wanted it because she was acting that way or being treated that way or she was wearing that thing. Probably she was completely oblivious to the whole concept, which might be you know, for a lot of men, they can’t believe that could be true, but more than likely, she’s oblivious. Because that’s just the way that’s just kind of, there was a lot of underneath reasons for that. But that’ll take a long time to go into so I won’t but anyway, I just want to kind of stress once again, that we are unique, but we are equal to men, and I think we should be represented in such a way in all facets of society and all facets of the church. And I think that any place that a woman is not is lacking, if they want to be the full body of Christ because we are all image bearers of God it says that he made them man and woman in His image. He could have just said he made it He made man but for some reason he said I made man and woman in my image so so anyway to circle back to the story with my friend from church after processing with my pastor for a while and crying a bit more and journaling and praying and again remit remembering that this is such an important topic for me and I believe for you on the other end of this phone. And

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I I I went to church the next day. So the the broadcast was on Saturday, I recorded half of this Sunday morning and then went to church. And then I actually walked into church a bit late because I was recording that morning. And I ran into the the woman that I had had the kind of negative response with the day before. And she hugged me. And she said, Oh, Bella, if you know if I offended you, you know, because my big mouth, I just want to apologize. I didn’t mean to hurt you. And, you know, and I was like, you know, thank you. I was like, Can I tell you how I feel how I felt. And honestly, that was even vulnerable to say, because that’s hard to talk about your feelings, especially, like trying to be honest, trying to do real life together. And she’s like, Yeah, absolutely. And so we sat down, and, and honestly, she just got she was a little too close. For me, I wasn’t comfortable enough to be quite that physically close, because I was still kind of emotional about it all. So do you, do you think you could give me a little bit of space, which, again, is vulnerable, and is hard to like, just be honest with yourself, like, I’m not going to be able to share what’s really going on in me if I can’t have, you know, a few things in in place. So anyway, I, I then shared like, you know, here’s the background, I’m coming with philosophy major, and feminist epistemology. And I just have the background and X, Y, and Z, and then the trauma and my marriage and the, you know, trauma in churches and with with male leadership, and, you know, just different negative experiences that, you know, not to mention, just male dominated society and feeling oppressed in different workplaces. And, you know, the way that I felt that I was talked to yesterday, I felt, you know, kind of condescended, and I kind of felt like, I was misunderstood, and then I wasn’t able to explain myself because I was cut off. And, you know, I felt like, my, my background was invalidated. And I wasn’t, maybe I wasn’t even smart, because I didn’t understand what she was trying to say. And, you know, it just really affected me. And I tried to get it all out there. I really did. I also tried to do it as respectfully as possible. And, and she listened. And she gave me the space. And she looked at me, and she’s like, Bella, you know? I’m so sorry. I didn’t. You know, when I, when we were talking in the, you know, yesterday, I guess I was, I was thinking about, like, everyone’s just gonna share their opinions, we’re not really trying to all line we’re just just throwing out ideas, or, you know, what we’re thinking about or whatever. And, you know, I don’t, you know, I didn’t agree 100% with the woman either. And, you know, I don’t feel like I said that things the right way, either. And, you know, she and I were just kind of both kind of in a spot of like, we both feel like we didn’t feel great about what we said or how we set it. And anyway, what I think was important is that we had the conversation. I think that that’s called messy life. That’s called Messy, honest church. I think it’s important. And I think that women having those kinds of conversations are really important in churches. Yeah, so the story is that I’m really grateful. She’s in my life. She’s taught me a lot of things just over the years and, and it was an experience I needed to have I needed to process how I felt about these things. And it was hard and my emotions got in it. And that’s messy. And, you know, it was in front of people, and that’s messy, and it’s uncomfortable, but that’s important. I mean, Jesus obviously wants us to be all in it. You know, he showed us emotions. He wasn’t on, willing to be, quote, weak. In our society standards, he cried. He was moved, you know, he honored those who felt emotion, who had faith who who trusted, you know, and who were disappointed and who were sad and, you know, he he, he didn’t think that was weak.

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He honored that. So anyway, I guess these are all things for you to ponder. You know, whether you have struggled to feel like you were equal whether you have struggled to understand if feminism is the direction that You should be going as a Christian or if, you know, as a 21st Century woman, are you? You know, what does that mean to being married? And I definitely have a lot of things to say about that are, you know, what kind of leadership positions are you, quote, allowed to have in the church or that kind of thing? I mean, certainly these are all things for you to be discerning, but from where I sit, God made us unique, but equal. And so I, you know, I do not feel called to be a pastor, but I believe there are many out there that have excluded themselves from that calling. And I don’t know if that’s what God would have wanted them to have done. But there are plenty of other ministries, that I think they have also not started all by themselves, because they were waiting for a man to pick them. And I think that is very well, so. So yeah, I think I’ll explain that last point. One more time, is that just because you’re not quote, picked in a church to be some kind of leadership? Doesn’t mean that you can’t just go out and start your own ministry? Delight, your marriage was started with? What? $20? I don’t know. My brother bought me the microphone. I happen to have a small I’m looking at my husband to see if I’m right. I happen to have a small, very tiny computer. Oh, yeah. Huh. And the mic stand, I used an oatmeal box, I cut off an oatmeal box. He used that as a mic stand. And now I can’t remember what that one was. He’s we’re playing charades. There was something else that I guess we used. Oh, and inside the oatmeal box for rocks, so that it wouldn’t fall over. And then the computer I used for editing was very old and small. And like the screen was quite small, as well to figure out how to edit the things. And I don’t even remember what the actual budget was to, to start a website. And I learned how to do all the website stuff myself and on and on and on. That’s just a small example. But your ministry doesn’t have to be started with more than $100 You can just start and see what God’s gonna do through that. So don’t exclude yourself because someone didn’t quote, pick you. Some man didn’t pick you. You can pick yourself if that’s what God is calling you to do. And when I say calling you if he’s encouraging you if you just feel passionate about it, that very well. Maybe what God is asking you to do right now. And the best thing to do is start and just see, see if it’s right. God bless you. I hope that this has been encouraging and helpful to think, you know, where have I not been permitting myself to go? Because I thought I wasn’t allowed to be there. In Jesus wanted women in all sorts of places that they weren’t, quote, allowed to be or all of that and he also protected them. Anyway, they’re unique, but equal. God bless you. We will talk again next week. Thank you so much for joining me.

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Love you. Bye

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When I work with women, I think the biggest problem is they don’t have boundaries.  And for them to slowly strategically come out of abusive relationships and cause their marriage to thrive instead of the abusive, they have to have boundaries. But it might not look the way you think it will look.

I grew up without boundaries myself. And So I never learned that I was responsible for me: my feelings, my thoughts, my choices, my property, my own things, my privacy… So naturally when I got married, I didn’t think I owned these things either.  And I didn’t think my husband did either.  Especially hearing the “two will become one flesh”, to me that meant that I owned him and he owns me. So  we had to be the same.

However that doesn’t work.

How do you create boundaries in your marriage? How do you make sure those boundaries are respected?

And should we always be “honest” with our husbands? I don’t think so necessarily.

I look forward to our conversation!

—

DYM is sponsored by my new business Couragess: Christian Women’s Mastermind group. Would love for you to check out my new site and get my free resource: 3 Habits to Grow Your Confidence immediately! www.Couragess.com

Check out this episode!

0:00
Hi there, and welcome. Welcome, welcome. I am so grateful that you are joining me on the delight your marriage podcast. If this is your first time here, thank you so much. And if you’ve been listening for a while, I just want to thank you so much. And thank you for being patient with me, my computer boat broke last week, and the thing I got to replace it broke. And so we’re just, we’re having some technical difficulties on my side. So I’m recording this on my phone, if there’s some background noise, or, you know, I don’t have the nice editing before and after intro and outro like I like to have for you. But hopefully, you’re still going to gain something valuable from this podcast. So I wanted to talk about boundaries. We are talking about abuse in this series, because I think that we don’t talk about it. We don’t talk about it. Young adults, we don’t talk about domestic violence to young adults, like we should, I think in the church and outside of the church, and we don’t teach it in our churches about what to do about abuse. We simply say, don’t get divorced. And I just want to speak to that. Because I’ve been abused in my past marriage. I talked about that on the previous episode, called blinders. So I encourage you to listen to that, just to get a little bit of a sense that I was so blind. But today, what I want to talk about is continuing on, is that not necessarily, when you find out that you have been abused, or you are in an abusive relationship? That the most the best thing to do is to bolt? That’s not necessarily the best option. It might be. I’m not, I’m not. I’m not saying absolutely not. But what I like to think of is almost like this idea of the strategic directory trajectory. So it’s kind of like you find out that you’re in an abusive relationship, and then you see that there is a path. That’s going to be a long path. But there is a path to go and get out of it. And so this is the first step boundaries is for you to see where to go next, that there is a path to get out of it. And so I work with women, you know, coaching them, and this is something that I think is really foundational is to understand that they own what’s theirs, but they don’t own what’s not theirs. And that’s called boundaries. So the metaphor that Henry Townson and, sorry, Henry Cloud and John Townson this book called boundaries. And they also have a book called boundaries in marriage, and they have book called boundaries with children. But basically what they talk about is if you imagine that you have a house, and there’s a fence around that house, what that fence does is it says this is my property, it means that anything within these parameters is my choice, I am free to do whatever I want to do within these confines. And there’s the same way for your neighbor, your neighbor has his fence, or her fence, and they say, in the fence means that anything within that fence, they are completely free to do whatever they want. But outside of that fence, that’s not their property anymore. They can’t do whatever they want to. And so healthy boundaries in your life looks like you having full responsibility and ownership over your emotions, your feelings, your actions, your behavior. What you say what you do, your own property, your privacy, your feelings, your likes and dislikes. And so that’s your property. It’s not your property is somebody else’s feelings, emotions, likes, dislikes, their stuff that that doesn’t belong to you. And so in the same way, that’s often what an abusive relationship looks like is that person doesn’t have boundaries isn’t respecting your boundaries, they’re not respecting what’s yours. They’re not respecting your emotions, your feelings, your thoughts, they’re not respecting who you are as a person your property.

4:50
They’re not respecting that you’re separate from them. They think I’m upset so this person has to be upset too. I have to make them upset. Or you You know that the house is a mess, so they deserve for me to yell at them, or there’s just this, you know, when I’m angry, they have to be angry or, or they have to be affected by me. There’s this ownership piece that the other person has. That’s in incorrect. Each person has ownership of their own, only of themselves. And certainly they can talk to the other person, certainly they can discuss certain things, but they cannot force another person. And so that’s the first thing I talk about a lot of times with women is this need for boundaries. And I think what gets a little confusing in marriage is because, you know, in the Bible, and at most weddings, you hear the husband and the wife, they’ll, they’ll leave their their mother or their father and they’ll be joined to their wife, and they’ll become one flesh. And I think a lot of times we get this notion, one flesh means that we become one person, that suddenly we have, everything is the same, we’ve got the same pots and pans, we’ve got the same silverware, we’ve got the same dish towels. Now, suddenly, we have the same car and the same, you know, we need to have the same likes and the interests, we need to be involved in the same activities. And we have the same reputation we need to be upholding because suddenly we are this unit, this family, we even a lot of times have the same last name. So now we’re suddenly in meshed together. And so it gets kind of confusing on like, you know, who owns what, in a marriage. And then I think what happens a lot of times is for women, we have a lot of deep feelings. And so when we are hurt, we respond by sharing all of that hurt with our husband. And so if we are hurt in a marriage, especially in an abusive relationship, where he thinks that he wants to control her, she will just open herself up and be in and tell him everything and share everything with him. And he almost kind of rips it out of her. I think this happens because women really trust their husbands, and they want to believe that their husbands are safe. And that they feel that they should be able to tell their husbands everything. But if you as a wife are really honest with yourself, and you know that if you share your heart with your husband, he’s not going to respect it, he’s not going to, maybe he’s not going to believe your story, or he’s not going to, he’s not going to like your opinions, or he doesn’t want to hear your thoughts on things or he doesn’t care about your emotions, then those are things that he doesn’t deserve to get those are or your certain things that you need to keep for yourself, you need to have safe boundaries in yourself, to know that he’s not a safe person to share my heart with right now. Now, it doesn’t mean that he’s not going to be a safe person, it doesn’t mean that eventually he’s not going to be the man that will be able to safely be able to share all of yourself in all of your hearts with your heart with but right now he’s not. And so when, when your husband is not respecting your boundaries, you’re a person, when he doesn’t respect you as a woman, then then he doesn’t deserve to get all of you emotionally, right? That at all of who you are, you can’t share that with someone who’s not going to respect it. And that’s what you know, sadly, the abusive spouse really misses out on is the heart and the vulnerability of of the spouse. And so what I suggest in terms of wisdom is to realize that you don’t have to share everything with your husband, that you get to be separate that you get to be wise and decide is this something I should share with him or is this something I should not share with him? Because boundaries goes both ways. Boundaries go both ways. Which means if you

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are expecting him to respect your boundaries, you also have to respect him His boundaries, which means if he did something bad to you, you don’t get to respond in a disrespectful way. Because now you are not respecting his boundaries. So here’s just an example. So if, if the husband comes in the room and says, you know, is furious and it’s like, Honey, why? Why is why are the dishes all over the place and the house is a mess? You know, why are you such a slob. And obviously, that’s incredibly disrespectful. It’s incredibly critical, the boundary of respect and honoring her and her choices and who she is, it’s completely outside of the realm of what it should be. But then her response also has to respect his boundaries. So let’s say she’s hurt by that. And she says, Well, you never come home on time, and I don’t get any help with the kids. And, you know, XY and Z. You know, you’re, you’re never here. You’re never here when you should be for your family. You know, she just spews all these accusations to him, because she’s hurt. Why then what ends up happening is that he feels disrespected his boundaries, feel like they’re disrespected. And then it just escalates and escalates. And maybe, because maybe he’s the more controlling of the partners, he ends up deciding, well, you know, she doesn’t get money for this, or she doesn’t get, you know, whatever. Because he thinks in his head, he justifies it to himself, she is such a bad wife, because she was disrespectful. You know, she’s not respecting me. And so, if you’ve listened to my podcast, you’ll know that men need respect the same way that women need affection. And so when his greatest need of respect isn’t happening in his in his home, he feels like he has to take it. And so that’s where a lot of the abuse begins is that he? He feels threatened because he’s not respected. And so then he has to enforce him his way into getting what he needs that respect. So how can a wife respond to a situation like that where the husband comes in, and he spews all this accusations and insults and things that really hurt being called a slob by your partner? It’s awful. And this is stuff that happens in my coaching clients that women tell me about these experiences. And, and here’s the thing. It’s painful, it hurts, it’s wrong. But you can respond in a way that’s wise. And I think a lot of times in Christian Christian circles, we’re like, just be loving, just be loving. And I think there’s actually a time for wisdom in things like this, where it’s time to be wise, so that it will change, not just so that, you know, you love and forgive and pretend that it didn’t happen. And then it’ll just happen again, I mean, be wise, so that he will change. But why is does not mean disrespectful. Wise means why. So let me tell you what I would what how I would respond. And what I think the is a smart and strategic response would be is. Honey, I see that you’ve had a difficult day. It was, you know, this is, I understand that you’re upset about the way things are, are looking in the house right now. I will say that what you just said was hurtful to me. And I’d like to go in the other room. And then she can get up and she can go in the other room. But what was that that was respectful. That was kind of understanding where he was coming from. It also wasn’t excusing his actions. She said that she was hurt. She didn’t accuse him of being a horrible person, or, you know that he did all these things badly. She didn’t start accusing. She also respectfully said, I like to go in the other room now. And then she decided to go there and she and keeping your voice calm and respectful. A woman said to me once, the best way to to speak to young adults.

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You know, a group of young adults is you take the fire out of your voice, you might be angry, but take the fire out of your voice. So I encourage you to speak to your husband. Even when you’re angry. Take the fire out of your voice. Lower your voice calm your voice slow your words down even. And that speaks respect even when you feel in yourself. Like you want to blowed with with pain and hurt with accusations and you want to throw all those rhetorical knives because you feel hurt and blue, bloody and wounded. But that’s not going to change things in your marriage. So what you did in the situation that I’m just explaining is you made some separateness between your husband and you. Because what you did in your head is you feel hurt, but you are not going to tell him all of those things. Instead, you’re going to say, okay, all he needs to know is that I am hurt. That’s all he needs to know. That’s all he deserves to know is that he hurt you, I feel hurt. And then you can go lick your wounds in another room, you can go journal, you can text a friend, and you can cry, and you can talk to her about it. You can also, you know, do something that makes you happy, somewhere separate somewhere where you’re safe. Because that’s, that’s what boundaries is you can control you, you can make sure that people respect you, by removing yourself from situations that are not respecting you. That’s one thing the boundaries book talks about as you are responsible for people respecting your boundaries, it’s up to you, because you’re the only one that can make. Make sure that you are respected, you are the one that that removes yourself from situations, you’re the one that sets boundaries. And you don’t have to tell your husband that you’re setting boundaries necessarily. A lot of times, it’s just clear that you’re not going to deal with insults anymore. And you don’t say that, because that would be disrespectful, right? Because if you said, I’m not going to deal with your insults, even if you said it calmly, what that does is accused him of insulting you. But instead you can in your own mind and your own heart, you can say well, I know he accuses uh, you know, I know, he insults me this way, and it really hurts. So the next time he does that, I’m going to respond and let him know that that really hurt babe. And I’d like to leave now. The other thing is, if it happens again, maybe, then that could require a conversation. But I think the first thing is to really recognize that you are separate, you don’t have to share everything that’s going on your head. And to think about maybe six months, maybe a year, maybe two years, it’s going to get better, your marriage is going to get better, and eventually you will be able to share your heart with him. But you have to decide where is your marriage now, on a scale of one to 10? You know, are you at a 10 where you’re like your marriage is amazing. And it’s growing and you’re serving God and you’re loving each other and you’ve got a great sex life and you respect each other and all these things. Is that a 10? Or are you at a one where like, it is insanely strife filled and abusive and all these terrible things, a pattern and culture of criticism and in disrespect. You know, where are you on that spectrum? Okay, so thinking about where you are now helps you to strategize about how do you get to the next step. When you’re at a level three, you’re not going to act the same way. When you get to a level seven, you know, a lot of marriage experts talk to people about how marriages should be and they’re at level sevens and eights. But what about the people that are at level like threes and fours that, you know, are like, oh, so I’m supposed to be honest with my husband about everything, and oh, there shouldn’t be secrets and all this stuff. And and I would say, you know, does your husband deserve that honesty? Is there a level of honesty that he can handle and an A level that he can’t handle right now. So it’s hard to really know unless there’s, you know, specific examples that you and I are talking about, maybe on coaching, I can have a better, you know, hear what, what’s really going on for you. But I just want to assure you that honesty is not the same as openness. You can be open with someone.

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I’m sorry, you can be honest with someone, but you don’t have to be open about everything. And that’s really what this is. I think we have this miss understanding of what honesty is honesty does not mean that you share everything. Honesty means you’re truthful about what you do share. And you know the way we are in life is we can’t we can’t share everything ever. There’s millions and billions of things that we deal with every decisions and thoughts and experiences and all that. And we don’t share those all with our husband, it’s impossible. We choose the things that we share with him. So when you are being strategic about moving your marriage forward, you need to be thinking about those boundaries, what is strategic that I can share with him? What are the things that I’m going to do. And so now, I don’t want you to feel that now you have to isolate yourself, that you can’t talk to your husband. So now you can’t talk to anyone, I actually completely disagree with that, I think you should be talking to trusted, wise friends that love you and want to help and want to hear what’s going on. I know with my first marriage, I felt completely isolated. No one knew what was really happening. No one No one knew. And I think that’s wrong. And I think we should know what’s going on in each other’s marriages. I think we need to help each other, I think we need to pray for each other. God did not put us on this earth by ourselves, we are supposed to be in community. Now I’m not saying that you need to be sharing, you know, negative things about your husband, with whoever will listen, that’s not at all it’s not gossip, what it is, is, is having a confidant or a couple of confidence that that are going to be helping you that are going to be praying with you that are going to be encouraging you because you need support, you need support to stay married. I mean, that’s why when we have weddings, we’ve got tons of people there because we want them to witness this incredible thing. But we also want them to walk with us in this life of marriage, we want help, because it’s not a walk in the park. This thing of, of being unified and sharing life together with one person. So do lean on your sisters. But remember, you you’re not necessarily sharing the things with your husband, right, depending on what stage you are in your marriage. But do share those things with your with your trusted girlfriends, or a therapist or someone that can give you an ear and help you process and, and journal and think through things. So, I here’s, here’s a good example, I think sometimes of like, figuring out how to at that your husband, if he’s not safe, you need to kind of give yourself some, some boundaries. Let’s say you’re like a castle, you know. And what you need to do is you need to dig a moat around yourself, so that there are not, you know, a moat is like the the water that’s dug around the castle. So that you are not going to be attacked, like there’s not space in there. So there’s this there’s this gap between you and any, any anything that’s coming at you there’s a gap. So you have some space some separateness.

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So, another another thing is just to be thinking about how you can reflect on what is in your boundaries, what is in your control, because once again, it’s not just what’s in your control, you can only change you, which means you also have to respect him. It has to go both ways. So I encourage you this week, to be strategic, to be respectful, and to journal and process and think through what what is within my control. What should I be respected about and respond when it’s disrespected, respond respectfully, but also wisely. A really good thing is to say I feel hurt and leave the room in a respectful way, or Ouch. And then leave the room in a respectful way. Okay, well, we are going to be talking next week, continuing the abuse series. But once again, this is also for women that just have different levels of abuse. It might not necessarily be, quote, abuse, but it also might be meanness or disrespect or a culture of criticism in your marriage. And please share this with anyone that you think would benefit from it. It’s it’s very, very important that you understand boundaries for yourself and for your family. God bless you and let me just pray. Father, thank you so much for the wife on the other end of this microphone God, I pray in Jesus name, Lord, that You would guide her and lead her lord and help her to discern where she is in her marriage and What is the next step? How can she move wisely to make things better? God that, that the pain that she is feeling God, that she doesn’t need to respond to it in the way the enemy wants to respond her to respond to it that will actually destroy their marriage, God that help her to respond in that pain in that hurt God with wisdom, God help her to do that, Lord, only you can do that, Lord, that you can guide her and teach her Lord, and I pray that you would put wise loving friends around her that can support her through this Lord. We love you in Jesus name. Amen. Right. I will talk to you next week. Love you guys. Bye

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Not discussed… but it’s common to be attracted to someone that’s not your spouse.

What do you do about it?

First, figure out where you are in your level of attraction and then decide action steps:

-1-3 (when you see them/talk to them you feel a chemistry) talk to God, get busy, be an enthusiastic lover with your husband, redirect your thoughts, read the Word, work with your hands

-4-7 (find your mind wandering to this person consistently) confide in a mature friend of the same sex–tell them what’s going on and be very honest, avoid spending time with this person, journal about their qualities and affirm that your husbands qualities are better because x, y & z, speak affirmations in faith, draw close to your husband

-8-10 (if you’re considering an affair, divorce or in that spot already) seek counsel of a therapist or counselor, use all sexual inspiration and direct it towards your spouse, be as enthusiastic in the bedroom as you’d be with this new person, pray fervently, be very intentional about falling in love with your husband again, write pros and cons list of this decision and include EVERYONE who would be positively and negatively affected in short term and long term—be honest with what you’re dealing with, pretend you’re in the future looking back on your life and determine whether you’d make that same choice if you could do it all over again

Remember, what you imagine you see now…it’s all a fantasy. You are with the right person. And God will give you the grace to see that if you trust in him.

——

UPDATE: I have had to postpone this virtual class referenced on the podcast. Feel free to sign up here to hear more about when the class is ready to be open.

To men:

I have men that reach out to me a lot of direction and support because they wish their wives would be interested in my material. My heart goes out to them and I’d like to give them individual and specific guidance, but I don’t feel comfortable working with men one on one. So, I am developing a Delight Your Wife virtual classroom just for men. This will be a weekly class where I will be live with you discussing a particular topic. You can send me your questions or add to the discussion during the call. These will be recorded and ready for you any time you’d like them in the future as well.

If you sign up in November 2018, you’ll have the lowest subscription fee as the content is still being developed and the virtual classes will just be getting started. Sign up for Delight Your Wife here!

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah. Rose.

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Hi there, and welcome. Welcome. I am so glad that you’re joining me today. I am belah. Rose. And I did want to let you know that I am going to talk a little bit about before we dive into the show, which I think is an awesome, awesome show for you. Really giving practical insight and advice for people that have attraction or even a crush on someone that is not their spouse, I really want to dive into that, because I think it happens all the time. And we don’t know how to deal with it. So I want to give the very key descriptive as well as prescriptive kinds of advice here. But before I do, I do get emails quite a lot from listeners, and I’m so grateful for that if you ever want to email me feel free at the belah at delight, your marriage.com That’s B E L A H at delight your marriage calm. But nine out of 10 of those emails that I get are from husbands. And as you know, this is a show for wives. So why do I get all these emails from husbands? Well, what I constantly hear is that they feel that I want understand them, where they’re coming from, I respect them. And I also accept them for their desire and drive for sexual intimacy with their wife. And so often, I mean, I It’s the constant refrain is I wish I could get my wife to listen to your resources, I wish she would be interested in your, your book and courses. And and I’m at a loss because on the one hand, sure, you know, maybe their wife is is just completely terrible. And it’s all her fault that she doesn’t want to be open to this kind of material and, you know, learning and that kind of thing, or there’s history and or there’s baggage, whether it’s her hurt in the past, previous to her husband’s, you know, relationship with her, or it’s just the husband. Maybe not knowing how to, yeah, give his wife what she needs, either sexually, or just an intimacy and relationships. And they’ve had some baggage and back and forth. And, and that’s really what it is. And so when I coach women, and I love to coach women, so that’s also an option for you, if that’s something you’re interested as a wife, but I’m trying to figure out how can I expand the breadth of my influence towards men? Because clearly this is this is a need? And you know, I toyed around with, you know, should I should I not? Coach men one on one? And? And yeah, I’ve come to a spot of peace where the answer is not one on one, I don’t want to get in volved in, in that kind of too, too

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intimate of a setting almost. But what I would like to do is do virtual classroom settings. So where a variety of men, multiple men are on a call with me, and we can discuss, you know what, I can give a teaching, maybe more explicit about the way women think some of the answers to questions I’ve received over the years. And men can ask me specific questions. And I can read those out and I can talk about those, or we make somehow kind of a discussion based, so and then I would record all of those. And every discussion, every conversation would be available henceforward for any man that subscribed to this opportunity. So what I’m calling it is delight your wife how to find out to make her tick. And so or find out how she ticks or whatever you want to say. So anyway, this is brand new, I’m really excited about it. What I am offering coming November is if you go ahead and sign up now, I will give you the lowest subscription fee that I will ever give because the content is being developed while we do our recorded live calls. So yeah, I just invite you, you know, this is the closest I can get to one on one coaching and there’s so many men that desire this kind of insight to know how to reach out to their wife to know how to change the situation. Because the sad thing I hate is seeing men and hearing from them and this hopeless situation. They just feel hopeless. And the thing is, there is no situation that is hopeless. Unless you’re dead, you can have hope for your marriage turning around. And I’m in the business of changing people, and changing marriages, and really being a conduit. So God does that. But he does use that he does use this. delight your marriage to change people. It’s incredible, incredible what he’s doing. So yeah, check that out, delight your wife, you can go to delight your marriage.com Click on Resources, and go ahead and get enrolled in that. Yeah, in November 2018. In the future, if you’re listening, feel free to sign up, there’s going to be a lot of really great recordings in there and different material that we’ll be posting consistently in there. So yeah, all right. Well, thanks for. For that, I think that it’s going to be a really great resource for the gentlemen that listen and reach out to me. Let’s dive into today’s episode.

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Hello, hello, you have just tuned into the delight your marriage podcast, where I speak to women, about their marriage and sex life and how those things work together and their hearts and our walk with God and how that beautiful metaphor of marriage gives us a picture of what our lives with Jesus should and can look like on this earth and then throughout eternity. So let’s go ahead and dive in. I wanted to talk about something that I think is really important about what to do when you are attracted to someone other than your husband. Now, again, I speak to women, but certainly men do tune in and leave reviews on the iTunes and I welcome you to go ahead and leave reviews on the iTunes as well as the more reviews you have, the easier it is for people to find the show and then to be blessed by it and for it to impact more people. So if you do have a moment to do that, that would be really greatly appreciated. If you’re not sure how to do that, you can go to delight your marriage.com/itunes. And you can see the directions there. But otherwise, I wanted to Yeah, talk about this topic, but like I said, husbands do tune in. And so even though this is all about for wives, it’s going to give a lot of, I think insights and directives for husbands as well. So I’m glad if you are a husband, feel free to stay tuned as, as I think there’ll be some insights for you here as well that you can apply. Alright, so what happens when you feel attracted to someone else other than your husband? I mean, you were originally attracted to him. That’s why you all got married, that was the dating phase, you were probably wildly excited about him very erotically inspired. And then marriage happened. And more than likely, there were at least months, probably a couple of years, hopefully a few years where there was what they call a honeymoon stage. And maybe things change, maybe bodies changed, maybe children came along, maybe just busyness happened, and lives potentially have gotten a little bit less exciting as they were in those early stages of falling in love. And that’s really normal. And I wanted to kind of describe it because you probably know exactly what I’m talking about, but it’s normal.

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I want to also say that it doesn’t have to be the case where you can have a passionate fun, exciting, loving, surprising marriage throughout your life. It doesn’t have to end after a certain you know, The Seven Year Itch or whatever that people call it. So, so right that’s normal that that that’s situation, but it’s also doesn’t have to be the case. So when you are attracted to someone, let’s say that this is a acquaintance that you know, at work, and you see them every so often. And it just kind of, you’re just kind of excited that you get to talk to them. And somehow they seem interesting, and maybe their physique is attractive to you. And you find your mind kind of going in that direction every so often. So I think the first thing to do when you find yourself attracted to someone else, and especially if you’re listening to this, and that’s you in this moment, is to determine where you are on a spectrum of maybe your level of attraction, or kind of where you are in maybe the temptation zone of attraction. So on a scale of one to 10, I want to kind of give some keys on potentially, where you are, and where I think it’s important for you to get awareness as to where you are to kind of determine in what sort of hot water are you in? Are you just in kind of the earliest stage, and it’s really easy to nip it in the bud at the very beginning? Or is it a very late stage, and there needs to be really significant action taken on your part to make sure that the most important things in life and throughout eternity, are protected as a result of the actions you take now. So right, so I wanted to just think about with you some of the spectrum levels. So I would say, level 123. Let’s say that’s maybe that office friend, that when you see them, or you talk to them, you feel a chemistry, you feel a little excited that they’re spending time with you. Maybe you have similar interests, maybe some of the, you know, things that you just find, quote, your type you find in that person. And I would say that’s probably a 123. And I would give some proactive steps for you to take, I would say that the first step is to talk openly to God about it. And just tell him like, Lord, you know, I saw this person, I have to see this person, or I saw this person, and I feel kind of this way about it, I feel attracted to him. And, Lord, I just asked you to help me to redirect my thoughts, and purify my thoughts and helped me to direct all my attraction to my husband, and to stay faithful to Him in my heart. And in my, in my my daily thoughts, God. One thing to notice here, as I mentioned in the very beginning of this podcast, that marriage is a metaphor for our walk with Jesus. And when you think about your husband, and all the other options there is in this world to be in love with or to be attracted to, I mean, there’s 7 billion people on this planet, and you chose one to stay committed to forever. That is a big deal. And it’s similar to our walk with Jesus, that we have a lot of options in this world to chase after and pursue. But we chose Jesus. And that’s a pursuit and that’s a disciplined effort. And it’s not something that is just going to naturally happen. It’s a daily. It’s a daily effort. And so I want to keep that in mind as we’re talking about this, that this is a

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this is a character thing. This isn’t just a helped me not get divorced, God kind of thing. This is a what? In what way am I able to learn about my walk with Jesus through my marriage? So maybe the level of attraction is being directed at someone else. But how do I rein that back, put it on the right track? Just like I do with my pursuit and desire for Jesus. So again, that’s kind of just a little tangent to think about this as a character thing. It’s not just a It’s not just a, you know, I don’t want to hurt my kids. It’s, it’s a bigger thing than that. It’s something that shows how do you pursue what you’re committed to. Just like you’ve committed your life to Jesus. So yeah, so talk to God about it be really open and honest. And ask him to help you through this. The other thing is get busy. I’m trying to remember I don’t have access to internet right now. But I believe it is in the Proverbs that says something along the lines of idle hands are the devil’s playground or something like that. And essentially, you know, when we’re idle, or we just don’t have enough going on, then we are more tempted. So I would say, you know, find something that gets you excited, something, maybe a new hobby, maybe something that you would never think that you could be interested in, or you never felt that you had enough time to do? Well, here’s your time, because clearly, you have enough mental space to be devoting it to thinking about someone else. So why not try to pursue a new activity or new ambition. I mean, there’s so many cool things in nature, maybe start being excited about saving monarch butterflies, because 96% of them have been eliminated, since we’ve been using pesticides on our lawns, for example, or you could get involved in so many different activities, so many different activists are happening around, you know, you could start pursuing something. And that is what an attraction is, is it, it’s a pursuit. So if you start pursuing something else, why then that takes away the pursuit for that person you feel attracted to. The other thing is become an enthusiastic lover of your husband. So whatever inspiration you’re getting, through this person that you’ve been, you know, just finding yourself kind of start thinking about, just redirect that inspiration towards your man in the bedroom, and everywhere else. So, you know, maybe it makes you feel flirtatious to be thinking about this person, why then start being flirtatious with your husband, just start being that woman, that you would be with this other person, because what you would be with this other person is in that dating phase. So be in that dating phase with your man? Just Just think about that? How can you be in a dating phase with your husband, as though you were in a dating phase with anyone at all they’re doing is redirect your thoughts, you know, this is probably a given. But be intentional about it, don’t let your thoughts rest on this other person, their qualities, the the ways that they make you feel or whatever, just just redirect it, our brains are they called the plasticity of our neurons are neural connectivity. And essentially what it means is that we can break we can change our brain connections to different patterns. Essentially, the the scientists have studied the brain and describe it as kind of like a highway. And so the deeper certain brain

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pathways have been forged. Essentially, it’s like you’re creating a highway every time your mind goes a certain way. Let’s say it’s to this person. That highway gets deeper and bigger and wider, and more neural, more neurons travel through that larger connection. But as you start to make a new road, let’s say it starts out as a dirt road, and then suddenly, it’s paved, and then more thoughts towards that way more thoughts towards that way and it gets bigger and bigger and deeper and wider and higher, and then that other highway starts to diminish and get smaller and smaller and smaller and eventually goes away. And so that’s the way that the scientists have found that the brain works is that it actually can change so you don’t have to feel like you are beholden to the way your brain works right now, the way your mind mind works. redirecting your thoughts is actually something you have control over. And something you can affect day by day. So I encourage you to do that actively. So when he comes to mind, find something else that you’re going to be thinking about. So let’s say there’s a certain area of his physique, broad shoulders, for example, that really gets you going, then that gives you a quick trigger to consider your husband’s your favorite part of your husband’s physique, let’s say, you know, his chest is really a sexy part of what you’ve always been attracted to with him. And that’s just a quick switch or maybe your husband shoulders and, and a memory of when that really turned you on whether it was early on in your relationship or even just the other day. But keep that in mind and keep remembering how your husband has turned you on. Okay, the next thing I wanted to mention is read the word that is something that purifies our thoughts, it puts us in the way that God wants us to be thinking. So, so do that, don’t don’t forget the Word of God that is going to help you with this. The other one is start working with your hands, I did mention find a new pursuit. But working with your hands gets you out of your head into something physical. So maybe gardening is something you can start taking up, maybe rock climbing, I definitely encourage you to do something physical, so it gets you out of your head and into your body. So that you’re not having to just deal with thoughts all day long. Instead, you’re focusing on something that’s more or less mind centered. Okay, so that was kind of 123, early, early stages, that you want to just nip in the bud. Alright, so four to seven. Let’s say, you know, if you find yourself on that scale, that’s probably you find your mind wandering to this person consistently. You find yourself wanting to spend time with them, maybe you go to certain situations or social gatherings, hoping they’re going to be there. Just just kind of a greater degree of moving in that direction towards them. I would say, Now, you need to not be doing this by yourself. Do all the things I’ve already talked about, especially praying, talking to God honestly about it. But now, involve a sister, involve a wise friend, who you can trust. And be honest with her. And tell her what you’re feeling what you’re doing how, how you’re, you know, even feeling sad about this and feeling like this is not something you should be doing. But you’re not sure how to go about changing it. But But talk to her about it, get her advice, get her just camaraderie, someone that can help you be accountable, to not be going in the direction of where he is. And so yeah, the next, the next advice is to avoid spending time with this person, just even if there are occasions that you really want to go to. But because you’re in this space, you’re in the level of attraction from four to seven, it’s not good for you, it’s not good for your life, for your marriage. It’s not good to be there. So find something else that’s going to bring you joy, and it’s going to be better for you and have your your friend hold you accountable to that.

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Now, I would say intentionally journal, at this point, at this point, journal about the qualities that specifically inspire you about this other person and affirm that your husband’s qualities are better because of X, Y or Z. So maybe this person is gentle. And you you know, have just found yourself attracted to that about this person. So then spend some time journaling. You know, God, I am attracted to gentleness. And I have seen my husband be gentle in this way in this way and in this way. And I know he’s a gentle man, and I know God that you’re going to continue to teach him to be gentle and continued To show me his gentleness, because I’m attracted to that, and I’m attracted to those qualities of my husband. Another thing is to begin doing affirmations in faith. Write down affirmations about your husband’s great qualities. And say those, especially when these thoughts come about this person and how you like them, you can start talking about it out loud, you know, wherever you are, just say something out loud to break the, again, that pattern in your mind, say something allowed to redirect the thought, I find that when I’m trying to redirect my thoughts, from something that I don’t want to be thinking about, when I say something aloud, it actually makes my it makes my it just breaks, it breaks the pattern and makes my mind go in the direction of the affirmation instead. So for example, if you’re thinking about, wow, this person is such a great father. You know, I wish my husband would do, you know, whatever, on the weekends with my kids, and then you in your head that maybe that’s what you’re thinking, and then you break that by saying my husband is a fantastic father, even just last week, he made sure that he came home on time, so that he could spend time with our son, that that would be a great affirmation, to just remember and notice what wonderful things are about your husband and the things that you are attracted to about him. And then, of course, just as a, make sure, you know, as you’re doing all of these things, draw close to your husband, spend more time with him spend the effort to make sure that you’re bolstering your relationship rather than rather than just fighting against the temptation rather than actually, intentionally cultivating attraction and romance with your husband. You can be super intentional about that I’ve got quite a lot of episodes that you can draw empowerment from, but I encourage you to do that. Okay, so now, I want to go to, you know, the levels, maybe eight to 10. Now, this is very extreme levels of attraction, you know, maybe you’re considering an affair, or divorce, or maybe you’re already in that spot, maybe you’re already in an affair, or you are in separate shin and there’s, you know, very close to that situation. I would consider now, seeking counsel of a therapist, a pastor, a woman, a mentor, someone who’s going to be wise and character driven, honest with you. I would use every bit of sexual inspiration that you have drawn from this person and direct it towards your spouse. Okay, so this is Bella, I wanted to break in here and just let you know, unfortunately, the rest of the episode, there’s a lot of background noise, I recorded this in a remote village anyway, bear with me, and you can still hear my voice just see if you can focus in and ignore the different sounds in the background. Okay. So whatever thing you have imagined doing with that person, I would do it to your spouse, I would,

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you know, whatever, whatever ways that you have found yourself wanting and in being inspired to do I would just take that and take it as just literally inspiration and just, you know, for some reason, that’s what you have found yourself thinking of doing. Then do that with your own man and do it a lot and just get your body into the lovemaking experience with your spouse and be very enthusiastic. If you have taken my course the seduction course or the delight your husband course you know that I’m a huge, huge fan or I think it’s hugely important to be enthusiastic in the bedroom. Even in faith, whether or not you feel enthusiastic or not, the more enthusiastic you act, the more you will feel enthusiastic. So you actually have to apply faith in that enthusiasm, and it will grow. So have faith that it is going to grow and be enthusiastic in the bedroom of your marriage. Regardless, if you have had an affair, if it’s currently going on, change the behavior, to direct it to your spouse, enthusiastically. pray fervently, really, this is a big deal. It’s a big, big deal to the kingdom of God. The enemy does not want families to survive. The enemy does not want a marriage to thrive, the enemy does not want you or your husband to be full, and free and whole and fervent in their walk with God or have fidelity in their marriage. The enemy wants to destroy all of that. And you’re on the cusp of what he is trying to destroy. So pray and realize the the, the, the true. Truly, what is that risk. And with with that, in mind, write down really, literally take out a sheet of paper and write down the pros and cons of a decision of this Magnitude. Magnitude, literally, write a column of pro and write a column of Con. And let’s say the pros, maybe there’s a lot, maybe the pros would be you know, finally I can be with someone I’m sexually attracted to. Maybe another pro would be I’m, you know, gonna live out my days with a man who loves to take me on dates, you know, who knows what, what the pros would be, but just be expansive on whatever pro you think should be on there. And and be honest with yourself, what is the pro? What is the thing you were are willing to sacrifice? For? Like, why are you doing this? What is the reason really be honest with yourself, because whatever decision you end up making, you want to know that you knew what you were doing. You don’t want to look back and regret and say I just didn’t know I was just ignorant of the potential or I, you know, or it was all worth it because I knew exactly what I was doing. Either way, I want you to have that list. Because then you have something to look back on. And say this was the decision, I knew full well what I was doing, and it was the right thing to do. So that Pro, that pro column and then the con column. And I want you to list out every single reason that this should not be what you should do. And I want you to include every single person on there and how it would affect them. Whether it’s your kids, whether it’s your parents, your brothers, your sisters, your church, friends, your non church, friends, your people that love you in different areas of your life. And, and you know, I’m not in your situation. And I am aware I was reading this yesterday, you know, be aware of bold simplicity. And I think sometimes i i am boldly simple on this podcast, because I assume things about your life that I have no idea but there’s obviously no way for me to know the details of your life. And that’s why I do have a podcast because I hope to reach more people. So sometimes I am boldly simple, but you know your life, you know your situation much, much better than I do.

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But also, I encourage you to just discern what is going to be the effects of this decision. Now I am someone who got a divorce. That was my first marriage. This marriage is incredibly different for many, many, many reasons. A huge thing is that I am incredibly different. So I don’t, I am don’t come at you with a judging, judging or shaming spirit. But I do want to come at you with a proactive and responsible spirit. Because you will need to be responsible for this action. Whatever the choice is, whether it’s fighting against this temptation, and fighting for your marriage, or choosing that it’s just not the Not the marriage that you had planned it to be, and that this other person is the is the better, better choice in this in this realm, but I want you to be aware of what you are really doing and what’s at stake, and what’s being sacrificed. Because divorces break hearts, not just the two people that are involved. Truly, it’s children, it’s family members, its neighbors, its communities, its churches, it’s, it’s sad, it’s very, very sad. And, you know, I talk a lot about how, you know, even in the midst of marriages that have been on the most, the worst places, the most difficult times with affairs, with, with addictions, all of these things. You know, God’s grace is more powerful than anything, and Jesus can turn everything around. And you’ll hear on my podcast, you can hear episodes of women that have been the worst situations, and God has done have done things, you know, my parents, I’ve witnessed horrible situations and, and God is still done things. And I just encourage you to determine what, what really is going on what really is at stake here. And consider also what is the short term, and what is the long term effects of this, as you do the pros and cons, really think about what’s short term, what’s going to be the next few months, what’s going to be the next five years, what’s going to be the next 10 years, the next 30 years, the next 50 years. Because, you know, when you consider something like an affair, maybe your kids are young, and you’re gonna have to be with the, the, the father of your children for the rest of their lives. Regardless of if you get divorced or not, you will have to be involved with each other, you will have to see each other on a consistent basis, you will have to be involved in weddings together, graduations together, you will have to see that person a lot. So if the choice of having an affair or divorcing for another person is because you don’t want to be in your current husband’s life anymore. The choice has already been made you don’t you, you will always be in that person’s life. It’s not, it’s it’s not something you can choose anymore, that will happen. There will always be bad memories around that person. And you can never escape them. Because your children are involved, your children will live outlive you, God willing, and you will always hear about memories that maybe used to have mom and dad. But now they only have mom or Now they only have dad and there will be lots of really difficult situations between step parents and step dads and just really difficult things. So So consider that the long term effects because it’s not just the next couple of months are going to be happy and the lucky. And consider also that once again you are it’s normal to have a honeymoon phase, and it’s normal to fall out of that honeymoon phase. And so with this new person, that’s exactly what it’s gonna be like. The other thing I want to mention is that every bit of attraction you have for this other person is fantasy. It is a fantasy. It takes a while. But eventually, the flaws will be very apparent, because we are all human. And we all have flaws I have

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I tell my husband all the time that he is the most amazing man I’ve ever met. Because that’s how I see him I choose to see him that way. I choose to see him as an interim instrument of God’s love and grace to me and our family and to the people he meets. But if I chose to look at him as a flawed human who does all these bad things, and if I chose that to focus on, I could find plenty I could find absolutely plenty. But I don’t I don’t focus on that I don’t look at for that. What it look for is the ways that he is bolstering my relationship with Jesus the way he is loving me and the way he is loving our kids and the way he is serving the community and the kingdom of God. And so those are the choices I make intentionally in my heart and in my thoughts and the way that he turns me on. That’s what I think about that’s what I care about. So that eventually those become my reality. That is what that’s The pathway that gets so strong in my thought patterns, that’s the highway, my, my, my thoughts go down so often that I can confidently say he’s the most amazing man I’ve ever met. And he’s my husband, I’m so lucky. I’m so lucky. I encourage you, that is the potential you can have with your spouse. So I hope this has been encouraging. I hope that my bold words have been helpful. And I hope that you will take proactive steps, because the enemy does want to destroy your marriage. And it’s not, it’s not a small thing. It is lives in the balance, it is sold in the balance. I remember two specific marriages and families that I had the privilege of being around when I was a kid, and they were the only two families that I really saw great marriages in and I saw them I mean, they were passionate, they were funny, they were playful. And I just felt safe. In those homes. I felt safe. I felt like this is a family that, that loves me, that has so much overflowing love. And and they and they they were there was so much balance in their life. They they had they had affection to share. It wasn’t there’s not a finite amount of affection. When you have a strong marriage, I feel like God just fills fills a home with that. And I mean, I can remember having a surprise birthday party at one of their homes. And in the father was involved the mom and the dad, no absent father at all. I mean, it was surprising how how great a marriage can be for children. And I just remember that as being incredibly powerful in my life. Yeah, we just don’t know what God’s doing true, good, good marriages, and how that affects who those people will be years and years and years and years later, just because you’re faithful and you did the hard work. So I encourage you, I bless you. And I pray that God would give you the grace to make wise decisions now. Wherever you are, and whatever your situation. God bless you and I look forward to talking with you in two weeks. Bye.

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All right, well, let me go ahead and pray for you. Father, we lift you up God, we say you are good, and you are holy, and you are worthy father, oh God, we just, we just lay our life before you God and you see all the details. You know, every dark place in our heart, you know, ever good place in our heart, you’re proud of all the good that we seek and our intentions that are for you, God, and not against you, God. And I just ask God that every person listening God every detail every moment that their thought life needs to be put back on course God and that their heart needs to be realigned. Father, I just ask that you would do what only you can do God, I pray God that you would give them the grace to be in a community of people that are going to uphold them and encourage them and help them to be faithful to be strong and their commitment to their husband God. And I pray that you just bind these marriages together Father God, that every nugget of truth that you may have allowed in this podcast God would stay with the person that’s listening to my voice right now God, that she or he would be able to just roll it around in their thoughts and in their heart God and that it would affect them it would change them God you know, and anything that they didn’t need to hear and that wasn’t a applicable or didn’t have anything to do with them or wasn’t the right thing for them at this time. God I pray that you would just shut it off of them. They wouldn’t remember it. Holy Spirit, you are God. And you will direct us into all truth and I pray that you would God in Jesus name, Amen. Thanks so much for listening. I look forward to speaking to you soon. God bless love you.

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Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love Wisdom and passion

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(So sorry, my computer broke so I wasn’t able to edit and this is late, but I think the content is all there!)

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I was abused and I was completely unaware at the time. Because he was spiritually gifted I trusted him. But he wasn’t exhibiting the fruits of the spirit.

If you’re being abused, it’s so hard to see what’s really going on in your marriage because something that’s inherent in abuse is blinders. Today, I talk about my own experience with abuse in my first marriage, and what it took to get the blinders off for me.

And then not only removing your blinders, but then what is your next step after becoming clear on what’s really going on in your marriage. And then to make wise action towards what I believe can completely transform him.

This is the beginning of a series of DYM shows on abuse. There’s many different levels, categories and types of abuse towards women in many aspects of life. I want to help a woman who is currently in an abusive situation to think through the really difficult areas to walk the hard strategic road to recovery that I believe is possible.

Please note: I am not a licensed therapist or social worker and I cannot provide that “professional” guidance. But this is what I have learned through my story and the suffering I went through and what I have helped some of my coaching clients out of.

Regardless of my credentials, we need to be helping women in this extremely common and devastating arena.

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The resource I referenced about getting support around domestic violence and abuse is www.nomore.org

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Hi there, and welcome. This is belah rose. And I am so glad that you are joining me today. I wanted to talk about something that is kind of foundational to this ministry. And something that has been so important in my life, that I kind of forget sometimes that people are still going through this. What I’m talking about is abuse in marriage. Now, I suffered abuse in my first marriage. And when I say suffered, I mean suffered. It was traumatic, it was trauma filled. Two years of my life. A lot of women, probably listening to this podcast, I have been doing it for years and years and years. And my heart goes out to them. By God’s grace, I got out of that marriage. In one piece, a lot of women don’t. And so what I want to talk about today is our blinders. What I’ve decided to do actually on this topic is go through a eight part series about abuse.

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The reason I want to do that is because I feel like a lot of women are in abusive marriages. And they think they’re doing what God wants them to do.

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While being abused. That’s what I thought. And I think women like that are listening to my podcasts and trying to figure out how they can make their marriages better, while suffering this abuse. And I think God has given me the grace to coach women out of that abuse and actually make their husbands happier in the process. And clearly, and definitely make themselves happier, and more fulfilled and more on purpose with what God wants them to do and be. So like I said, it is foundational to this ministry, because if you’re in an abusive marriage, you could do all the techniques are sexual, XY and Z, you could take my courses, you could read my book, but you wouldn’t be able to you there’s, there’s an underlying, gaping wound that is not being addressed and not being healed. So I want to talk about taking off the blinders. One thing that’s hard, I think, especially as Christians is to name something like abuse, is to call it that word, it seems so drastic and dramatic. And it’s like, I must not be going through abuse. And then there’s the flip side of you know, I’m going through abuse. So that means I need to be taking drastic, dramatic action to get out of the abuse. And when I’m talking about abuse, a lot of times our mind immediately goes to being hit and being physically beaten. And certainly there are many, many, many women around the world and in our country that suffer physical abuse. And that is absolutely unacceptable. And I would never I just, I just would never want the content of this show to embolden a husband to abuse his wife in any shape or form. Whether it’s physically, emotionally, economically, you know, mentally sexually. So there’s a lot of these categories of abuse, because I think a lot of women think well, he’s just controlling our finances and not giving me the things I need. So that’s not really abuse, but it is mean And no, that is abuse, you are not being given what you need to, to live, you’re not in control of your, you know, you’re not given the capacity to the agency to live because of the financial control in your marriage, or maybe he’s not willing to go out and, you know, get a job or, or just I’m just throwing out try to get you thinking about whether or not abuse is happening in your marriage, there is actually a great website called No more.org. And there’s a list on there that talks about all the different abuses, some of which I listed, and they talk about what it means to be abused. And again, in my previous marriage, I was abused. And I think I could check off just about every single box. And this was by a Christian man, a very Christian spiritual man who, oh, he could write us scriptures like nothing else, and justify every single thing he did through Scripture. And he could fall to, you know, call down prophet the prophetic things that were true. And for me, it left me really confused. Because here I was, to, quote submit to this man who I didn’t know it at the time was abusing me so terribly.

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And, and I thought, Well, God is giving him these incredible spiritual gifts, it must mean that he’s doing the right things. But it wasn’t until I had space from that marriage, that I was able to recognize what was really happening. I remember I worked in terms of economic abuse with this particular experience is that I worked three jobs. And I want you to know, you know, belah Rose is not my real name. If you’ve listened to the podcast for a while, you know, that. So, I’m not defaming this man. Just so you know, there’s not there’s not a way to find out who he is, and that kind of thing. And, and God willing, he has repented and changed, but maybe not. But anyway, so let me so I’ll kind of give you some of the specifics. But I, I was in college, I had three jobs, I was what they call an RA, which meant I took care of a a floor of students in which, you know, I was kind of the chaperone of the floor, making sure they weren’t parties and making sure everyone was doing their, you know, peaceful living and no fights and that kind of stuff. So that was my one job. That took a good amount of time. But it also paid for my room and board. And then I had another job at the library where I was filing books and magazines and putting things where they’re supposed to go and running errands. Then I had another job at the law school associated with the college where I would coordinate young people, volunteers for this particular master’s program. So I was the coordinator of this program, as well as being a full time student. So these were my jobs. And, and then here in there, I was also a TA for another position. I think that was when the library job ended, I became a TA for a class about critical thinking and logic. So that meant I tutored people and I just supported the professor and however he needed. So I was doing all these things while I was married, and at the time, my husband was convinced that though he was not bringing in any income, and instead he was going to school as well. He was much much older than me. So as a graduate program, and I was paying for that with student loans as well as my income. He he was sure that I that he needed the most expensive things like the most expensive phone on the market, the most expensive phone plan on the market. These were necessities he needed to buy the top taller, bike and clothes. And these were things that they were just required for him to be able to do well in, you know, his endeavors. And we weren’t living together because for his studies, he wasn’t able to focus if I were there, and they were just it was, there was this emotional control, because he knew that that’s what I wanted, that I wanted them the emotional support, and he would withhold that from me, so that he could control me. And so that was just one level of the abuse. But how did I not see this? How was it not like clear as day I was a smart woman, I was college, educating, you know, I was running programs, how would I not be able to see that I myself was being abused. When here I’m taking sociology courses, even feminist courses, philosophy courses, I got a degree in philosophy. How was I not, you know, I was taking courses, logic courses, all this? Well, thing is I saw abuse modeled for me.

11:20
You know, I won’t go into specifics there. But I will say that, that that was modeled for me. And then, during that marriage, I also ended up being abused by church leaders, that, by God’s grace, it wasn’t physical abuse, but it was spiritual and emotional abuse. And it affected my relationship with God in a very significant way. Because of the way these people were treating me. And so the way I’ll try to, you know, there are things that I’m trying not to be specific about. But also things I want to bring into the light so that you, in your experience and relationship with God can kind of make sense maybe of what has gone on for you. Because a lot of you have suffered emotional, emotional, spiritual, but also physical sexual abuse, at the hands of Christians, it’s reality, it’s happened and happening, and you deserve voice. And you deserve to believe your own story. And you deserve other people to believe your story. And you deserve space to process that story. And for other people to give you space to process, and to love you through that story. Because there was power in your story, and God has given you the grace to and maybe it’ll take a while and maybe there’s you know, processing and we’ll see what God ends up doing. And as you discern His timing and his place, but there’s reason for your suffering. And there’s, there’s a way that I believe God’s gonna redeem your suffering. So So what ended up happening for my marriage was that I was studying for a very important exam I attended to go to law school, and the LSAT is what it’s called. And I was studying for that exam. And it takes hours and hours and hours and to study and I had gone through like a test preparation course, which was actually very expensive. So it was just very important for me to, to get into law school. And because I felt like that’s what God wanted me to do. And and, yeah, I just couldn’t emotionally focus because we were, again, not living together. But we were having plenty of screaming arguments on the phone, and I felt lonely and sad. And I felt incredibly isolated. No one knew what was going on in my marriage. And oh, so, so hard. So sorry, study studying for this exam. And I decided, you know, I, I need a break. I need a break until I’m able to take this exam. And then you know, we can reconvene. And during that break, which I think was two months, I was able to see what was going on. I had the emotional space to actually see what was going on. And the shocking thing is that I was blind. I was literally blind to the abuse. I was suffering. I just I couldn’t I couldn’t see it. I thought that I must be you know I must be a stronger woman. And then these other women, like I can handle this, you know, this is what God wants of me and things are going to get better, or, you know, he’s going to change or, you know, I’m angry and resentful about this, but I don’t know. Like, it’s really, it’s really hard for me to articulate. And it gives me the empathy for the women that are being abused is like, it doesn’t make any sense. What how do you not see that what is happening isn’t okay, how do you not see that and sometimes with my coaching clients, I’m like, what you are going through is not okay, that is abuse. Um, and so I was out of the marriage, quote out for two months, and I was able to see that this was not okay. And so after seeing that, I think a lot of people make the decision. And what happens is women have a decision to make an after this podcast, and hopefully, you’ll stay for the whole series. Because I, I want you to, there’s a lot, I wanted to break this down piece by piece, because I was going to try to do it in all of one podcast, and it wouldn’t make any sense. It’s just way too much information and, and processing that needs to go on. But

16:27
you have a decision to make. Once your blinders are off, you have a decision to make. Now the decision is you can bolt you know that’s, and when you think about the blinders, you think about a horse, right? You’ve got blinders on. And that’s what horses have. I live in New York City. So they’ve got blinders on. And the reason they have the blinders on is so that they don’t see the cars and get scared and get spooked is what it says I used to have horses. And so when horses get spooked, they just they freak, they like jump, and they run and they do all sorts of crazy things, because maybe they saw a rope and they thought it was a snake or something. So anyway, these horses have these blinders on for that reason. So when the blinders come off, that you are experiencing abuse, you have a decision to make. Are you going to bolt? Are you going to run? Or are you going to say you know what, I’m going to believe God is bigger. And I’m going to believe he’s going to change this. And I’m going to accept that this is abuse, awareness, acceptance, and movement, the next piece because if you’re not aware, you have blinders on. But then you have to accept this is where you are your horse in the middle of New York City, with cars beeping all around you, and it looks like you’re going to get hit from every site. Right? That’s what the blinders are keeping you from seeing. But then the question is, are you going to bolt and actually get hit by one of these cars? Or are you going to say, Okay, now I know what’s going on, I’m going to stay in my lane. But then I’m going to get a strategy together to figure out how to do this. Because I think that’s the wise horse is to say, Okay, I see the path in front of me. I know what’s going on now. And I’m going to see, all right, maybe there’s going to be a path a little bit to the right that I can start making and the other cars are going to start shifting because they see a horses coming through. And then I can slowly get over to this other side. And then I can get slowly over to the sidewalk. And then I can start going a little bit faster on that sidewalk and I can just keep going on that sidewalk until eventually, I’m going to get to the open pasture somewhere quite a few miles away, but I’m going to get there. So once again, I love horses. They’re my favorite animal. So so this is kind of a deer analogy. Deer isn’t like endearing analogy for me or metaphor for me. But that’s what I’m asking you to do is take the blinders off, become aware, except what’s going on and then move strategically with the law view of how to get it to change. Because I’m not someone who’s saying, You know what, rollover and the Accept and say that there’s nothing you can do. Because I don’t agree with that unless you’re dead, there is something you can do. So, so yeah, I think there is strategy that you can employ to say that you know what, this is what’s going on. And now this is what I’m going to do to get out of it. So what happened with me, is when I found out what was actually going on, and I think it was God, absolutely revealing it to me because I, I was completely unaware. I bolted, that’s what I did. I bolted. I, I filed for divorce. And that ended up being my best year of college I graduated, I was the commencement speaker of my college, I had a ton of honors that I graduated with, it was the most phenomenal year of my career to that degree to that point. And

21:26
and then God did a lot of other things in my life that are really incredible. But I also went away from Jesus for a long time, because that I was so hurt by such a man that I thought was being used and following God. I want to say this, because I think it’s very important. And it’s a very big lesson I’ve learned through that experience is in the Bible, it says you will know them by their fruit. He says, that’s how you’re going to find out and determine if they are doing what I’m asking them do you do? You will know them by their fruit. It doesn’t say you will know them by their gifts. You will know them by their fruit. Because God gives gifts. And there’s a verse in there somewhere that I can’t remember. But it says he doesn’t take them away. And you know something like prophecy? It’s like but God, he’s giving that gift every single time the person prophesize like how? What do you mean, he doesn’t, you know, take it away. That’s not like a gift of teaching or hospitality or something. You know, it seems very God given in the moment. But I don’t know how it works. But it doesn’t mean that they are untouchable, that they are holier than thou or or that they are in line with God’s heart. That’s not it’s his fruits. That’s how we discern if God if that person is in line. The wisdom from above is first of all, gentle. That’s what it says in the Bible. First of all, gentle and full of good fruit. I believe that’s in James You know, so there’s that’s the test. And I’ve run into that, that God, you know that I’ve run into way too many times, which is very sad. But that people think that because the giftings are still happening in their own life, or in the lives around them, that they are impervious to what the enemy wants to use them for. They think that Well, God’s God’s, the gifts are flowing, so I must be on target. Or the gifts are flowing. So that person must be on target. And we must die to ourselves we must follow Jesus. And when we’re when we’re tripping up on the fruits of the Spirit. That’s, that’s not it. We’re not on target we are sinning. That’s what sin means is to miss the target. So what are the fruits, the fruits of the spirit of love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness and self control. Those are the fruits of the Spirit. So if you see yourself lacking in those fruits, then it’s time to reassess and figure out how can you get more on target. If you see others lacking in those fruits, think, okay, they need to get more on target, or at least I can be aware that they’re not fully on target. And I can be aware because we can’t be blind, you know, when God shows us a character flaw, now we know about it. And maybe we know about it, because God wants us to, to do something. And maybe we just need to pray and not do anything about it. There’s been times in my life, that that’s been the right choice. So that’s the thing, take off the blinders. And I beg you to make it a strategy to decide that you’re going to, you’re going to be patient, you’re going to be wise, you’re not going to bolt in front of traffic, which actually,

26:11
it’s going to hurt. But instead, you’re going to have strategy. And you’re going to be wise. And you’re going to go slowly. And you’re going to have a long view in mind, that maybe this is going to take two years, three years, but think about it out of 100 year life 234 years of strategy of of focused decision making in your marriage of disciplined. Positioning and, and words and decisions, you know, that’s going to be worth it. Because if you have children, your children will be affected for the rest of their lives. About what decision you decide to make, whether or not you’re going to bolt, or you’re going to strategize, and you’re going to implement that strategy wisely. bolts or wisdom. I bolted. And it took me away from Jesus and only by God’s grace, did I come back? I don’t know how or why. But it was God’s absolute grace, that I came back.

27:37
And so you might be saying, well, Bella, what if you didn’t bolt? Do you think your marriage would have lasted he would have changed all these things. And I don’t know what God would have done. But from what I know now. I think it very well could have been completely transformed. Because of what I know now, completely. The other thing I think that I don’t like hearing is that people are saying, you know, while I’m praying for my marriage, and I’m just praying, and I’m praying and praying and praying, and yes, do all that praying. But we also have to apply wisdom. You’re not a fish that’s just going to go through the current. No, no, you got to start swimming upstream. Got to be the salmon that jumps up the river to go lay her eggs. You are not totally beholden to what’s going on. God gives me the strength to be wise God gives me the ability to hold my tongue when I need to and speak when I need to. God help me to implement these strategies helped me to to use my words wisely. And yes, God changed my husband changes the dynamics of our marriage. So yes, pray but be wise, my dear wife, read the Proverbs. There’s a whole book in this whole Bible. That’s all about wisdom, all about wisdom. And there’s so much on the New Testament about wisdom and there’s so much in the Old Testament about wisdom. So wisdom clearly matters. So don’t just, you know, let it roll over and say that, you know, God’s gonna change it. Yes, he is going to change it. But he’s gonna use you to change it. Yes, he gets all the glory for changing it. He he blew the the air in your lungs, you know, he gets all the glory and you’re not going to do it perfectly and it’s not your fault. You know? That, that it gets changed but use wisdom. Apply your heart to wisdom. So those are things I learned Through the abuse of my marriage is that I was not wise. I was trusting people that had character issues that I saw. But then I saw their gifting. And I was, I was confused. And I was trusting the gift of God in people above God Himself, in my own discernment. And you know, that’s the trouble is, well, the trouble I think is the way God works is he will expose people’s the negative parts of people, or he’ll expose things, because he wants you to know that He is God. They might have amazing gifts and talents and character and all this stuff, but they’re still not God, they still are not impervious to either the lies of the enemy, or just faulty thinking, or weird experiences, or just funny, whatever. And I hope that’s how you consider me to so maybe in this podcast, there’s been jewels and nuggets that you needed, and maybe some of the things are just completely off for your experience or what you’re going through. And maybe it’s just for me trying to articulate my own experience and process through it. Or maybe it’s for someone completely different over another place in the world and, and you can just be at peace, that they’re the ones that needed to hear that phrase or that explanation. Alrighty, so that was strategy and blinders. Next week, I’m going to be talking about boundaries. So I hope that you will come back for that one. God bless you. Let me just pray. Father, I don’t know the wife on the other end of this microphone. I do know by God’s grace you. You are using this podcast in ways that I can’t imagine. And I pray, Lord, that whatever has stirred in her heart, whatever she needed to hear, that would direct her towards you. Not away from you, God that she would not grow closer to anyone but you through this conversation. I pray God that you would show her what you need her to see.

32:23
You would remind her God that you were taking care of her, as she doesn’t have to be afraid that when the blinders have come off, she doesn’t have to fear. She doesn’t have to run. God she can apply herself to wisdom goddess, she can take courage, because you go with her on this journey. She is not by herself. In Jesus name we pray, amen. Okay, I realized this after recording that I wanted to mention, if this has stirred something in you, and maybe you’ve done a little research and you are deciding that yes, what you are going through is abuse. I want to caution you to more than likely not tell your husband, that’s what you have come to the conclusion of I’m going to be talking about abuse for a solid six to eight weeks. And we’re going to be talking about the strategy to turn things around. But it will set your marriage back a long way. If that’s what you tell him. I’ve got a lot of understandings that I want to make sure we walk together with. So if you can just be patient, and you can talk with a girlfriend about this, but not your husband specifically on it. I would suggest someone who is a trusted friend potentially, that you can discuss, you know if you need to share with someone but not not your husband at this point. Anyway, I want to talk more about this next week when we talked about boundaries. God bless you. We’ll talk soon

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah rose

0:18
Haye, and welcome. Thank you so much for joining. If this is your first time to the show, welcome, welcome. I’m so grateful that you have decided to go ahead and tune in. And I hope that this is going to be an encouragement to you. It’s kind of a challenging topic. In fact, it is a really challenging topic and sadly affects far more women than you would expect. So yeah, so we’re going to talk about some of that, who it affects and why, why this happens to women, why if you have experienced, it may have happened to you, what’s going on in our culture, and then I want to talk about healing steps of healing and sorting through and, and how you can heal even through your marriage. And even specifically through sex, which may seem completely counterintuitive, but I want to just give you a lot of hope. So yeah, let’s let’s dive in All right, well, so first off, I want to just say that I have not been quote, sexually abused in the maybe traditional sense, if that makes sense. But I have experienced quite a lot that I think warrants the discussion I don’t want. I don’t want to make the bar so high, that we can’t talk about things that we haven’t, quote, experienced. Because the problem is, if we require the victims to talk about this, and they’re the only ones that have the authority to talk about sexual abuse, why then it doesn’t get talked about because it’s too painful. It’s too hard. You know. So I’m coming into this conversation with a lot of humility, because maybe you on the other end of this microphone are saying, You know what, that’s not really my experience, or that’s not really how I feel through this. But let me just tell you this as a first step, I’m hopeful that this will get you feeling like you’re not alone. I’m hopeful that this will get you feeling like there’s someone out there that cares, even if she can’t completely relate. What she can do is say, You know what, you have a story, and you have a voice in it, there should be space for it. And you should have the ability to be healed and be freed from the the pain that haunts you. So. So yeah, I hope that you’ll kind of listen with an open heart and soft. You know, Grace filled mind as I, you know, talk about things that I’m hopeful will encourage you and at the very least let you know that you’re not alone. So yeah, why are why am I talking about it? Number one, it needs to be talking. It needs to be talked about. You may know about the me to movement that’s happening right now and actually was started about 10 years ago, I heard a talk by the founder recently. And I didn’t realize that it’s been going on for so long, but she was a victim. And her purpose in this movement is to give victims a voice and let them know that this is happening. And it’s not to demonize men not in the least, the whole purpose is to give victims of sexual abuse, space and hope and healing. So that’s number one. Number two, I have experienced very close to date rape a number of times and by God’s grace, really only by God’s grace, was it did it change? Did it not happen? So one time I had to physically push a man out of my apartment and he practically fell down the stairs because he was actually trying to push me into my room to date rape me. He got into my apartment because he lied and said he just needed to come in and use the bathroom after he and I had had drinks that night. So I think it was just adrenaline that I was able to like yell at him and scream and push them out. So that was really a God thing.

5:03
But it easily could not have gone that way. So I really don’t know how I was able to get him out because he was definitely bigger than me. So another one is I also had to physically pull a friend out of a bathroom where a man was trying to push her inside, so he could rape her, like it was this very awkward like, it was in a bar. But it was like this bathroom that was just in the middle of like, where the dance floor was, and he was trying to push her in there. And it was, it was really scary. Another time, I ended up getting into some guy, because I felt like we had already gone too far. In the evening we had spent together and he paid for everything. And I just felt like I had to what you might be saying, Bella, that’s not abuse you you let that happen? Well, let’s talk about that more later. I’ve also had plenty of dates where men’s expectations were sex because we had a meal and drinks or a conversation and the assumption is, well, that’s, that’s sufficient, that means that sex is on the table. Another one is, I’ve also just had sex with my husband, many times when I didn’t want to, and it wasn’t, you know, a lot of times, you know, I even encouraged women, like, maybe it’s going to start out that you don’t want to but when you change your attitude, when you change your perspective on it, like you start to change your body chemistry as well, like it starts to shift. But it’s different if you’re having sex and the whole time, you’re thinking I don’t want this, I don’t want this, I don’t want this that’s making you feel abused on the inside, whether it quote is abuse or not. That’s those are those feelings of unsafety. And, and just being used for your body. And so let’s talk about maybe something that is more severe than my experiences. Certainly, I’ve grown up in this, this society where I have felt like a piece of meat many times and I have been criticized for my body or criticize myself and felt like the whole purpose of my body is to please a man. And I’ve gone through those stages of of womanhood and had to come to the realization that that is not the purpose of my body. Yet it is a privilege and marriage, for us to enjoy that, but not the purpose in a society. As a woman, I am far far more than what my body is. So once again, this is very important to talk about because so often, we are not talking about it as Christians in churches in groups of women together, it’s affecting one in four women this year will be sexually abused. So that’s being raped, date raped. It’s molested as children, sexually harassed, these are just horrific, horrific statistics. And these are your mothers, your sisters, your cousins, and more than likely, you will never never know about it. And these may very well be your wives if there are any husbands listening. These are deep, shameful things that women have to live with. And it’s very, very hard. And it’s so sad, because so often, even when a woman comes out and says she indeed has been sexually abused or raped, she’s shamed for it. She’s not believed. And it’s so painful, because who wants to be known as the woman that was raped? No one wants to be known as a woman who was raped by some powerful man. You know, some some person that was you know, some celebrity or something, you know, no one wants that. So why, you know, why is the automatic thing to not believe the woman that finally comes out and says it so it’s very painful for women to even share but then so frequently, it’s it’s just swept under the rug, and not even addressed or validated or listened to. So I want to say to you right now, on the other end of the line, I’m listening. I want to help I want to support you. I want you to know you’re not alone and far more than you think have gone through this horror as well. What happened recently is I talked to a very strong dear friend of mine who’s

9:52
Yeah, who’s amazing and is doing so many good things in life loves the Lord has a great husband a great Um, job and what she does and, and she was at a work function and they had a happy hour after work and I guess this guy had gotten drunk. And he sexually harassed her in front of all of her co workers, or at least several of them. And and she wasn’t able to really react, it was so shocking. And I’m going to talk more about that in just a bit. But he literally bent her over and humped her from behind and felt her up in the front, and she was like, unable to even respond, because she was, again, so shocked. And there’s, again, more things that I’m going to talk about for that. But one of the things when I was talking to her about that, is you part of the reason she felt like she kind of gave up was like, well, this isn’t as bad as other things that have happened to me. And I so can connect with that. I so can connect with that without giving you more details of my past and sexual abuse. I can connect with this idea of like, well, I’ve already, you know, done worse this, you know, I can deal with this. And so, yeah, so let’s talk about some of the things that we blame the victim for sexual abuse, and we as in society. One I think a lot of people say, Well, she was asking for it. And I want to talk about that. Because I think first and foremost, I think she was unaware. And the thing is what I actually, part of my purpose with this podcast is to honor the feminine nature in women, because part of the feminine nature is trusting. You know, every fifth search on the internet is for porn. That’s one in five searches. And those are mostly men that are searching. women’s minds are not thinking about sex all day. They don’t have, for the most part far, far less, I’ll say, of women are addicted to pornography. So their minds are not constantly thinking about sex the way men’s are very often. So when she wears what she wears, she’s thinking her body looks good. But she’s not thinking she’s doing this because she wants other people to want to have sex with her. That’s not what she’s even thinking. She’s thinking, Oh, wow, I look so cute. My body looks good. That’s why I’m wearing tighter clothes. But she’s not thinking. If I walk into a room, men are going to look at me and be like, Wow, I really want to have sex with her. And they start visualizing her body underneath her clothes. That is not what she thinks. And that’s a natural, feminine, again nature for her to trust. Another thing is she wants to be adored, that is a deep desire, of the feminine is is wanting to be attractive and wanting to be adored. And in marriage, that’s an appropriate desire for that to be met. In our culture. Sadly, there aren’t good marriages that that reflect this Adoration of the feminine. And so in our culture, so many times women have not experienced that respect and desire of a single man that a single isn’t like one man who gives her that. And so in modesty makes her adored by, you know what, what kind of the societal norms are for what the way people dress when they’re immodest. They get more attention because once again, that’s the way men are thinking they’re thinking sexually and so that’s what they’re thinking about her body and, and that’s why women wear very tight clothes. For example, let’s say tight yoga pants, exercise pants, which shows all the curves of her butt and legs and all that which is super sexy. And men, they don’t wear tight things when they go exercise. Because women don’t care. We don’t care about we’re not thinking about sex with men, when they walk by we’re thinking, you know, he should cover up because I don’t really want to see that stuff. That’s not my husband. So women think very differently. That’s that trusting nature.

14:27
So when she dresses a certain way, she is not quote asking for it. She is simply not thinking about it. She wants to be adored and she assumes these people are adoring her without ulterior motives. And that’s the same in when she goes to their apartment after a date. She thinks they’re going to have a good time. He’d wants to spend time with her. Not that we’re going to his apartment to have sex. That’s not the automatic maybe maybe because of her experience that’s becoming more of a her thought process, but I would say for the most part, in the beginning, she’s thinking, this is totally benign. And I’ve been there I have been there literally. And this was not even when I was a virgin this is after I had been dating, I remember going to someone’s apartment. And my assumption was, it was because he wanted to, I don’t know, just hang out more and drink some more wine. And, you know, and his assumption was very different and I had to leave. So that trusting nature Another one is that men and even that just the society, the culture victimizes or, I’m sorry, accuses the victim, and says something like, Well, why didn’t she stop it? You know, she’s a capable woman, why didn’t she stop? What’s going on? Well, I think there’s a lot of reasons, but I’m going to give a few. One is she can’t believe it’s happening. Once again, going back to she’s not wired to assume the worst around sexuality. She’s wired to trust that’s, I’m going to talk about the feminine nature and a little bit. Another thing is, she just thinks he’s going to stop, you know, if he sees that she’s not enjoying it, or she just thinks like, he’ll clearly stop what he’s doing. Like, he can’t be such a monster to, you know, do something to her while she’s in pain or giving her giving him bad looks like why would he, you know, he must be a monster to do such a thing. She just, there’s this just gut reaction that he’s not going to do something awful. And I actually the the guy that I pushed out of my apartment, I remember. I remember not being that scared, honestly. Because I, even if I wasn’t able to get him out, I was more so getting out. Because I was just frustrated that he was like, trying to get me back into my room. I was like, get out. I don’t want you here. Like that was kind of my response. But it wasn’t this fear reaction of like, oh, my gosh, he’s about to rape me. And that was the same response. When I was pulling my friend out of the bathroom. I remember, like, it was more like, Hey, don’t do that to my friend. You can’t just put her in there. She doesn’t want to go in there. But it wasn’t this fear of like, she’s about to get raped. And it’s strange, like me, as a woman, I just don’t assume that I, you know, now years and years of, you know, doing this work. And later, I can see that no, no, no, that’s exactly what was going to happen. But I think, you know, as women we just don’t, that’s just doesn’t go through our head. And so another one is number three, like what, maybe it hasn’t happened before, so she doesn’t know what to do. So she’s kind of has her guard down. And then the other flip side of that is, maybe it has happened before. And maybe she, you know, wasn’t able to stop it or didn’t expect it or all that. And so then she has this almost like precedent in her mind is saying, Well, why stop at this time? It’s already happened, like I’ve had worse. And I feel like that is kind of like my friends story of how she was sexually harassed at her work function. In her mind, she’s probably like, she was thinking, and she even told me this, you know, like, well, I’ve had worse why, you know, why stop at this time? And so that is another reason I think, victims kind of freeze in the moment of this, like, you know, well, you know, we’ve already gone this far. That’s another one that I’ve also felt victim of his like, well, I’ve already you know, let him do XY and Z. I mean, what’s the point? And then, you know, no, I didn’t enjoy what ended up happening at all. But at the same time, it’s and I felt horrible and gross and wrong and dirty and self loathing, but at the same time, then it’s this. You know, well, I deserved it, because I’m the one that let him do it. So another one is, number four is this one’s a difficult one. Because I think this happens a lot, especially and in any in any case of sexual abuse, but I want to kind of especially say, for those that have been sexually abused and molested as children.

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I think there’s a lot of shame of thinking that Well, I must have wanted it. Because there was a sexual response physically. Because you felt something maybe you felt tingling or you felt, you know, swelling of your vulva and, you know, or if it’s a man, you know, you had an erection because of the sexual nature of what was going on. But the problem is, is that there’s, well what there’s There is there’s this wonderful woman all have a her TED talk in the, in the shownotes. But she talks about sexual non concordance. And what that means is that even though your body is sexually becoming aroused, or maybe sexually aroused, it doesn’t mean that you want it, quote, unquote, you know, you don’t want it just because your body is responding. And I think, in our culture, that’s the assumption is that, you know, if you’re getting wet as a woman, that means you want what’s coming to you. And the same thing as a man. And so that’s a real problem, because that’s when women feel like, well, I started getting turned on, so I must have wanted what was coming, but I feel so you know, down and degraded, and I feel so negative and all these things. And it’s like, no, you don’t have to have, you don’t have to have wanted something just because your body responded. When their sexual content, your body responds, you may or may not have experienced this while listening to my shows at times, but you might have felt titillated or, you know, sexually aroused, just because I’m talking about sex, but it doesn’t, it’s not because you somehow want what what I’m specifically talking about, like people sexually become aroused when they talk when they hear about horrible sexual violence, but it’s not because you want what just happened, or you think that’s a good thing. But what it is, is because it’s sexual content, there’s their sexual content being described, or whatever. And that’s how your body’s responding to it. So how do you know when you want sex, is when you say I want sex, when you decide because of your values, because of your situation, because of who this person is, because of what you decide in power as a woman, that’s when you want sex. It’s not when your body starts feeling aroused, or all that, like, that’s beside the point. What it is, is when you decide you want sex is when you want sex. And that’s how consent should be approached and be talked about when you’re talking to young women and young men that she wants it when she says she wants it. And I think this sexual non concordance gets really confused also, just in terms of young people learning about their sexual identity, their assumption is because their their sexual response towards a particular person, the assumption is, or particular situation or particular visuals or whatever their assumption is, okay, I must be attracted to this. And once you focus on something, it grows, but sexual content is attractive, it is arousing. And so it’s not. It’s not You’re not saying you know, because I’m aroused by the female form. But I’m a woman. That doesn’t mean that there’s an identity that you need to ascribe to as being someone who’s attracted to women, it’s know that sexuality that you are seeing, and so your body is responding. Alright, so that’s one thing of like, as a child, maybe you felt like you wanted or maybe you even sought it out after you experienced it from that uncle or you know, someone who abused you. That is not your fault. You were not old enough to have consent, you were not old enough to say yes, I’ve decided I want this. You were a child, you were too young. And even as an adult, if you haven’t had the understandings and been able to make those decisions of, Wow, he wanted to have sex with me. I didn’t know that. And then I got coerced into it at the situation. You can realize that that that’s not consent, that you can take off this shame. I mentioned just a little bit ago about having sex in marriage, when you really don’t want it and throughout the whole sexual experience. You don’t want it you don’t want it you don’t want it that makes you that would make a woman feel abused and used. Now I’m not saying that she is being abused by that kind of a situation. It’s tricky, because in my coaching, we would have to look carefully about what what changes we can make. So that you get the emotional needs met and you feel cherished, and then it happens in your marriage that you can feel loved in intimacy.

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But I want you to know in Just have a little bit of revelation that more than likely you feel abused and you feel used because you are having sex when you don’t want it. And that feels just like the world’s view of sex. For women that they just have to take it because that’s what a man wants. And her only purpose is to be his sexual pleasure. So, I guess just, you know, put a pin in that and kind of think about that in your heart of like, if you’re feeling that way, if you’re doing that in your marriage, I want to challenge you to get to a place where you actually do enjoy sex, and you do want to be all that you can be in sex in and have a yes to sex rather than a. I don’t want this, I don’t want this, I don’t want this, but he needs it. And, you know, that’s what I’m purposed for. And all this kind of stuff. It’s gross, and it’s wrong. But there’s, there’s ways out of it without like a stark, we’re not having sex until I want it. Because I don’t also believe that’s the right way. So just, yeah, just kind of let your your heart kind of think about that. Pray about it and see what you know, maybe from this, you know, part of the episode, you just needed to know that you’re treating your sex life like abuse, you’re allowing yourself and maybe it’s time to get that changed. And like I said, if we were working one on one, I’d have the opportunity to really explore that with you. And it would take some time, but by God’s grace, I think he can change that for you. Alright, so let’s talk more about sexual abuse and marriage. And so for a woman that you know, has been abused previously, it, it affects her, it affects her view of her value, it affects your ability to be vulnerable, I’m going to talk more about that. It affects her ability to take sexual touch as positive and not scary or tense up or kind of like numb herself, guard herself to what’s about to happen to the experience. Let me tell you something very important about women’s experience of sex. First and foremost, for her to enjoy sex in any way, shape, or form, she has to feel safe. Now, you might think, you know, women outside of marriage don’t need this, and maybe not. And I can talk about that in a bit. But for a woman to truly long term enjoy sex, she needs to feel safe. Yeah, shorter term, just living together girlfriend boyfriend, the way the world sees sex, it’s different. It really is because there’s not an expectation and there’s not this assumption of commitment that you can feel free that you can feel safe. So we’re going to talk more about the like the feminine and the masculine nature next week. But let me just talk about this a little bit. So you get a sense of some of the next steps that I think you can take as a couple to get yourself to a more safe place with your sexuality. So you may know this already, but women and men both have testosterone, and they both have estrogen in their bodies, and that is natural. And and those particular chemicals are have particular strength traits. So for example, testosterone is something that builds muscle, and for a man allows him to be able to have erections and it’s kind of a strength chemical and or hormone and then for women, when they have a good amount of testosterone, they have high libido which means they want sex in the appropriate you know, in a healthy way. And for estrogen and testosterone. Also for men, if they’re lacking testosterone, a lot of times they feel weak, they don’t have a lot of energy, they don’t have a lot of sex drive.

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So that’s, that’s a healthy part of men and women. Estrogen. The same is that you know, something for women. Estrogen is really important in the health of their menstrual cycle of ovaries of preventing urinary tract infections, of supporting their mood. There’s so many functions and then for men, it also estrogen plays a really important role in their prostate health. in making sure that that their bones are strong. In fact too little estrogen can predispose men to osteoporosis and lead to bone fractures. But then too much estrogen can lead to actually men’s development of like, like larger breasts, and also can be as a result of being overweight and those kinds of things and can have unhealthy measures there. So, there’s a scientific backing to my, what I’m going to be talking about next about like, there’s more feminine and masculine natures. But see, testosterone is is more in men and estrogen is more in women. And that’s healthy and good, but both men and women have both, and it’s very important to their health. Okay, so let’s talk about the nature of feminine Oh, and let me just also say there’s biblical precedence for this feminine and masculine nature in both men and women. And I’m going to be talking more about that next week. But I just as a cursory overview, the nature of the feminine is trusting, vulnerable, receptive, nurturing, empathetic and motherly, and the nature of the masculine is powerful and leader and decisive and penetrating and protective, and fatherly. So, a woman may present as masculine, you know, greater masculine traits unless she feels safe, to allow her femininity to be revealed to be held to allow herself to be vulnerable, for example. So in sex for her femininity for her ability to surrender and to feel vulnerable and to experience the deeper orgasms, she has to feel safe for her ReSSA to enjoy what is happening and I call Reza is the vulva, the labia majora, labia, menorah, other vagina, all of the beauty of what’s in between the woman’s legs that jewel, the clitoris, all of that I call the rest of receiving Him into her essence. I don’t believe there’s a such terms that we have that are significant enough and more and beautiful enough to describe it. So I say ReSSA R E SSA. Um, so anyway, it has to feel safe for her ReSSA to enjoy what’s happening. So the way I frame it is, there’s two different types of sex. There’s connection and intimacy sex, which is the feminine. Typically in non Christian settings, you might call that Trent tantric sex, they really, I believe, what you would say is they really explore the sex that’s very feminine. And then the powerful and fierce sex, the masculine sex, the typical sex, there is porn, pornography, that that’s catering to the masculine. And so and, you know, my seduction course, is all about basically the masculine sex. But it’s it’s focused on, you know, making yourself feel powerful. So, basically, both the connection and intimacy, sex, the more feminine sex, and then the powerful and fierce sex, the more masculine sex, both are good, and should be enjoyed by both men and women. So a whole man is able to enjoy the feminine sex, and a whole female whole woman is able to enjoy both the powerful and fierce sex as well as the more feminine sex.

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So when I say whole, I mean someone who is able to embrace the full nature of how God made them. And they’re able to kind of fall into that and enjoy it deeply. And the connection and the spiritual gift that sex is. So for a woman to heal from the sexual trauma, that what she needs is as a priority number one is to feel safe. And what I believe is a focus on the connection and intimacy sex for a while, because what she has experienced is the more masculine, powerful fear sex that has not allowed her to be healed of the trauma that she has experienced. And so what I suggest is to do consistently What I call connection sessions. And this is a type of sex where the focus and the goal is not orgasm. In fact, that is a prerequisite of not being part of the experience. So these connections sessions are actually what it is, is I can’t describe it very detailed on the podcast, because I, I don’t feel it’s the right place for it. But if you go ahead and email me at belah, at delight your marriage.com, I’ll actually send you a description. And I’ll also send you some very wholesome. And like, animations, I guess, of the of positions that would work for it. So there’s nothing crude or negative that you would receive. But essentially, these connections sessions are to make a woman feel safe. And I describe that very practically, in what I’ll send you. So this would allow her to not have the focus on him. And the focuses instead on her and her feeling of safety. Now, what I suggest is not that you would trade all of your sexual experiences for just connection, sex, and you wouldn’t orgasm necessarily, ever, but that this is incorporated into your sexual life. Maybe every other time you make love, or maybe once or twice a week, so that slowly, it becomes more trained in the woman that she is safe in your connection together. And that your member in her ReSSA is actually a healing force, rather than a trauma inducing force. So that’s really important. The other thing, obviously, hopefully, obviously, is counseling, I really encourage you to go to a therapist or counselor or speak to someone that’s going to be able to walk you through here your trauma, listen to what happened, believe your story. That’s very, very, very important. Also, there’s some resources that I would love for you to watch that TED Talk that I’m going to have on the on the show notes page, you can just go to delight your marriage.com and click on Resources. I’m sorry, not click on Resources, click on this episode, and you’ll be able to find it there. The other thing is the No more.org is a phenomenal website that’s, that gives support to women of all types of abuse. Sexual abuse is just one of their many focuses. But that’s definitely one of the bigger ones. And then also to explore the no more sorry, the the me to movement, which I think is really key. And there’s tons of resources around that. And see if you can take it out of the context that a lot of the media has put it into, of being this demonizing men. And it’s not that it’s not the purpose, the purpose is to support those victims who have had to experience the trauma and give them a voice and safety and healing. Alright, well, I hope that you will return next week, because we’re going to be talking more about this feminine and masculine nature and what it means in your marriage to change your marriage, so that you are receiving the emotional needs, that you desire, but not forcing them. So we’re going to talk about that and, and actually practical ways to change it. But let me go ahead and pray for you. If if this has meant something to you the sexual abuse conversation, again, whether you’ve, you know, had very extreme horrible trauma, or you’ve just lived in a society where women have been treated like meat.

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And that’s just for the pleasure of men or maybe you’ve lived in your marriage where you have felt sexually used and that is just something that needs to change for you. So I just pray, Lord, God, you are the healer, you are the one that can go in and do open heart surgery on us. But then also to just heal, you know, slowly and peacefully and calmly. You know, sometimes we do need the really strong changes, but sometimes it’s gentle. You know, it’s day by day. It’s week by week, month by month that takes time. God I just asked for the woman on the other end of this line. Go ahead that what she’s experienced breaks your heart that it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t okay. Laura I ask that you would touch her heart God, that you would let her know that she will be healed completely 100% that she is not a broken person, because this happened to her. God, I ask that you take away all shame of this experience God that whatever this situation was God, that you paid for it by the blood, Lord, that you went to the cross and all of the sin and shame and brokenness you took with you God. And this woman, this darling daughter doesn’t have to feel broken, or dirty, or sinful, or stupid or ignorant or oblivious that she can feel redeemed, she can feel confident, she can feel holy, because you look at her as holy because of Jesus. Lord, I asked God that you would do a miracle in her heart and the way she sees herself. And God, I asked that, for those that are in marriages that are not at a level where they feel safe in their sexual lives, I pray God that you would just begin to start turning the wheels of her heart and in her mind, to start being patient with herself and start considering and journaling and processing what this might mean for her God. Lord, You are holy and you are good. And we trust that you are doing this amazing work. In Jesus name, Amen. All right. Well, I look forward to talking to you next week. God bless you. I love you. Bye. Oh, and do go ahead and email me bel a H at delight your marriage calm, and I’ll send you right over the instructions for the connection sessions. So that can be a support for your marriage. God bless the E L H at delight your marriage.com Okay, talk to you next week.

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Thanks for listening. Stop by delight your marriage.com to check out all the show notes as well as many more resources and articles. Until next time, live with love, wisdom impassion

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Excited we’re back together after far too long! We have got some fantastic episodes coming your way in this new season of DYM!

• What was the last sex scandal you heard about?
• What was the last Christian sex scandal?
  • It probably wasn’t too long ago. It’s really sad. And it happens so much, far too much.
  • Why is this happening? What can we do about this? 
• On today’s show, I talk about why this is so common. I describe the problem and then what you can do in your own marriage. What you can do in your own sphere of influence to guard yourself and others.
• Why I have told my husband if he sins–and goes outside the bounds of our marriage–he will be forgiven. That doesn’t mean it isn’t going to hurt me, and the marriage and plenty of others, but anything less can destabilize us in the long-run.

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• You might know me as the author, podcaster and marital intimacy coach, but I’ve also helped many women over the years get their goals: writing their books, transforming their marriages, getting a job, starting or leveling-up their business (brick-and-mortar and online). I’ve worked in entrepreneurship, non-profit and for-profit (with Fortune 50 companies).
• I am hosting a “Goal-set in God’s will” webinar Sunday, October 14, 2018, at 8 pm EST and Tuesday, October 16, 12 pm EST.
  • Discover the 3 questions you need to ask AND goal-set with me on this webinar! 
  • You’re someone who sets big, hairy, audacious goals, but could they need a bit of tweaking?
  • Let’s do something really important and have fun doing it! Sign up for this FREE, live webinar with me!
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  Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah rose.

  0:18
  Hello, hello, and welcome. Thank you so much for joining. I am really excited to be back. I don’t know if you’ve been with a podcast for a while, but I have been off, frolicking around doing a bunch of things, and have not been here with you for quite some time. So thank you so much for your patience. Thank you for reaching out so many emailed and checked in and you know, saw it was going on and a lot of you went ahead and purchased courses and books and, you know, we’re still able to be connected to me through the materials, even though not necessarily were we talking every week, like we usually do. So very, very excited for a new season of the delight your marriage Podcast. Today. We are talking about Christian sex scandals. And, you know, sadly, it happens all the time. And we don’t talk about it. We don’t talk about why it happens. Much less could it ever happen to people that we know and love and even are intimately connected to? And I want to just I want to uncover it, I want to talk about it. Why is this happening? And what can we do about it? How can we guard against it? I think there’s a lot that we can do. And I think that God gives us the grace to do a lot. And it’s specifically because he gives us that grace that we can guard against it. And yeah, I think to listen in and and get the insights, there will be helpful. I’ve wanted, I’m sure that I have been working on something that is a little on the side, I know that you probably know me as a podcaster and author, a wife, a mom, and specifically a coach for delight your marriage. But I’m also a coach. And I’ve helped women dozens and dozens around the world, accomplish their goals, and stay motivated and activated to do what they feel is most fulfilling for them. And I’ve also worked in the nonprofit sector and for profit sector, with Fortune 50 companies even. And it’s really given me a lot of insight by God’s grace. And what I’d like to do is share that with more and more women. So I wanted to share that with you all. Because I’m doing a free webinar here coming up shortly. Not only on this Sunday, actually October 14, if you can join me eight o’clock in the evening, Eastern Standard Time. So depending on what time zone that might work for you. Or if you’re again on a different time zone. I’m also doing it Tuesday, the 16th at 12 o’clock Eastern Standard Time. So that might be your lunch hour, maybe you could grab it then or if you’re at another place in the world you can tune in at that time. But yeah, it’s about seeking God’s Well, well, and a lot of times we goal set, you know, maybe we’ll hear about Jesus and God’s Will on Sunday, but then we go set according to the world standards. So I want to work on goal setting with you in God’s will. Because what we do every single day is our life. And so if we’re working towards goals that are not in line with his will, what what is our life about? Is it according to God’s will? Or is it something else? So let’s explore this together discover the three questions that you need to be asking, I believe, and then also let’s go set together. So again, I’m really passionate about that. I love it. I love doing that with women. I’ve done it for several years now. So many amazing things have come out of our work together from writing books to leveling up people’s businesses, whether it’s brick and mortar businesses, or online businesses, maybe they’ve just started their business. They’ve gotten new jobs, gotten into Harvard, run a marathon. And of course, I’ve worked with transforming marriages. So anyway, I look forward to the webinar. Again, that’s this coming Sunday, the 14th of October, or Tuesday the 16th of October. So yeah, even if either of those times don’t don’t work for you, I would encourage you to sign up so that you can be on the list in case I have upcoming webinars to share with you. You can be on the list to get those emails. Okay, so sign up by going to courageous.com So I’ll spell that for you. That’s courage. S s.com. So, yeah, essentially, it’s driven women running together in God’s will. So that’s what courageous is all about. So it’s courage. S s.com. Really looking forward to that.

  5:19
  I hope you can join me. Alright, let’s dive in to this conversation about how to guard against sexual scandals as Christians Hey, there, this is Bella, I hope you are doing well. Thank you so much for joining me and tuning in. Now if you hear some things in the background, you might be wondering where I am. I’m not sure if you hear turkeys or donkeys, maybe some wild dogs, some music. Chickens roosters, that there’s quite a lot going on in the background. So I am actually in a pretty remote town, from my husband’s heritage. And my kids are playing with cousins. And I’m really enjoying getting to know a lot of the different cultures and language and the type of people and the very different terrain and very different way of living, it’s pretty incredible. So I am going to be recording a good amount of podcasts while I’m here. Because by God’s grace, I have a good amount of time off from work and I can after having a good amount of vacation. Now I’ve got some mental space and energy to really focus in again on dy M. So here’s what I wanted to talk about today is the kind of sad unification but truth that sex unifies us all. every culture, every tongue, every color, every race is sexual, we are all sexual beings. That’s the way God made us. And so if you bring sexual imagery into any culture, it will bring reactions, sexual contact context, I mean, it’s always something that is a big deal. So you think about African cultures, you know, with female genital mutilation, you know, they’re, they’re afraid and think that sexuality in women is bad. You think of Middle Eastern cultures where women are required to wear the hijab, I think it’s the name, where they’re covered, you know, top of their head to the toes of their feet in black so that the women’s sexuality is not shown or seen. And then you’ve got other cultures where curves are just incredibly attractive. You’ve got southern South American cultures where, you know, women dance in certain ways where they’re their curves, and their sexuality is just completely pronounced. And then you’ve got, obviously American culture where pop music has just glorified all sexual contact and, and dancing and ways of advertising. So it’s all it’s just it’s unifying. And what I wanted to talk about in this podcast is how it also is unifying in denominations in the church, in terms of negative ways of dealing with sex. You know, if you have been in church circles for any amount of time, you probably have heard of sex scandals that have ravished the church, maybe the very church that you were in. I mean, there’s very sad stories of divorces that have taken place because two people in the congregation became too close, and ended up having affairs and destroying those families. Or I remember years ago, a few years ago, maybe 10 years ago, there was incredible move of God, where just incredible miracles were happening in Florida and What ended up happening was essentially the leader that that God was using, to kind of begin this entire thing

  10:12
  fell to an affair, and the entire move stopped. And, sadly, so many people that were being impacted for the kingdom, everything was, was stopped. And many, many people were hurt by that. and myself included, it was it was devastating to see that this happened, I heard a story just the other day of this incredible family, huge, huge family of 10 or so kids. And sadly, the father was having an affair, while the mother is is, you know, doing so much service for her kids and her family and, and the husband is out, you know, having an affair. And you know, I can only imagine how that destroyed the kids. And she ended up having a psychotic breakdown. And I can only imagine how challenging that was. And I have so much compassion for her and just just really, really sad and they were believers, you know, they were Bible believing church going Christians. I don’t want to pull out specific denominations, because it’s every single one of them. We all have this unifying situation, every single denomination, every single believer has this challenge that we face. And, you know, obviously, and whether it’s sexual addictions, with pornography, you know, there was men who would get together. I don’t know if it was how many times a year but it was giants conferences for men. And as sad as you can believe it, the conferences, Christian conferences. Something like the statistics of hotel pornography rates and prostitution rates would skyrocket during those conferences. And I mean, this is something that the enemy has a hold on the people in churches around sexual sin, it is so challenging, and so not talked about, as I’m sure you know, and that’s what this podcast is about is uncovering and, and exposing the lies that the enemy has told us in the darkness without any light without any awareness without anyone turning on the light to see what is really going on. No one is talking about it, no one’s sharing help, because they’re too embarrassed to discuss their either their own sin their own past what they, they themselves struggle with, and have not grappled with solutions. Or it’s just a flippant, you know, mention of pornography and, and never help that goes with it. And I myself have gotten in situations where I’ve mentioned my own sin in the past where I was addicted to pornography when I was young. And, you know, my own sexual promiscuity as a young adult and these kinds of things, and I have been met with blank stares or changing the subject or not wanting to go there, which I get it because of the culture I get where they’re coming from. It’s not that I don’t understand it. But it’s not helping anyone by pretending it’s not going on because I know the person I’m speaking with has history, just like I do, whether it’s the specific sin I’ve had, maybe not, but they have history with it somehow some way and having conversations, discussing coming through person to person, human to human, woman to woman in this case. having those conversations as what’s going to help, it’s going to help having that awareness having that conversation. So, with this unification of sexual sin in all of us and that potentiality and all this I wanted to talk about some ways that I think are wise to move around this because I guess before I talked about more prescriptive I want to talk a little bit more descriptive about why some of these most incredible

  15:07
  people of God have fallen into sexual sin. One thing that I think is profound that it seems like people just don’t put their heads around is that our nature as humans, is the body, the soul and the spirit. And the body is where, you know, the sinful part of our nature is just when the fall happened, we, that’s that’s what was taken on and, and that ever gets the flesh, it’s not necessarily the body because God created the body. And, you know, let’s, let’s call it the flesh instead, where it’s more of our fleshly, sinful nature. And then the soul is more of our whether it’s our personality, or more of our uniqueness, that God designed, and then and then the Spirit is where God comes to us and, and shows us, you know, how He wants us to be in his will. And he speaks to us and teaches us and grows us, that’s more of the Spirit area. So that kind of paradigm is, I think, helpful in this conversation. So what I think happens is, people that are so in the spirit, they are so in touch with the spirit, so often, whether, you know, depending on what that means, whether it means that they are, you know, praying constantly, like it talks about in the Bible, it tells us to pray constantly. And it says pray in the Spirit. So maybe in your tradition, praying in the spirit means a certain thing. And maybe in another tradition, it means a different thing. The Praying constantly is something that God encourages us and asked us to do. And so maybe that’s something that you are really in is praying in the Spirit. So I think what happens is, sometimes we trust that, to the degree that we think our soul is completely in line with the Spirit, because we are so you know, involved in what God’s doing. And so our soul, you know, our personality, kind of the weather, it’s our emotions, you know, sometimes God comes to us through our emotions, and through those kinds of our strengths, that are more innate, more of God, given daily strengths that we rely on, you know, sometimes we think that that’s, you know, God’s will automatically without more so testing it or being discerning or waiting to determine. And then the last part is, is a lot of times we think that the fleshly part is, is more along the lines of what God wants. And, and and we don’t acknowledge that there is a sinful part of ourselves. That is innate, that is something we are constantly in battle with. And regardless of how much God is using us, in other areas, it doesn’t mean we can stand down against the lion. You know, it says, to always be on your guard and be watchful because our enemy roams around like, like a lion seeking who he can devour. And so what I think happens is, maybe this amazing preacher, you know, who God is using in these incredible ways, it feels like he is above the potential distressed or that the enemy wants because that’s what the enemy wants is disaster. For someone that’s being used by God. He doesn’t want there to be blessing or, or people being saved or the kingdom being expanded or, or lives being changed or hearts being kindly, gently healed. The enemy doesn’t want that the enemy wants families to be ravished and and ravaged and, and churches to be broken apart and communities to be severed. That’s what the enemy wants. So when pastors you know, become

  19:42
  lazy is not exactly what I’m trying to say but but stand down I guess they drop their guard because God is doing so much and we have to remember to be faithful in the small in the small things. So one thing that I think is important is to realize that when you pray with someone, it’s an intimate experience, especially one on one, especially with closed doors with an included an inclusive space. That is a very intimate experience. And I know you know, as believers, a lot of times we don’t want to pray in a coffee shop, as one person is crying, I mean, I understand that as being a challenge, but thinking about, Okay, this is a potential always no matter who it is, in the congregation, there is a potential here, female male, there is a potential here, we always need to be on guard. And a lot of times, you know, these things don’t start in a moment, they start over time. And so maybe the thought is, oh, there’s there’s no chemistry here, there’s no attraction. There’s years of difference, or we’re both married or whatever, there’s so many reasons why this would never be an issue. Obviously, we can pray together, obviously, we can, you know, talk about the Word of God, obviously, you know, whatever is fine for us, just the two of us. But then one conversation leads to another leads to another leads to another. And slowly, affection grows, and slowly, the opportunities arise. And when we are not on guard from the get go, those things have an opportunity to grow. So I think some people might say, yeah, that’s paranoid, you can’t be paranoid about sexual sin. And I don’t know. I mean, from what is going on in this world today, I think it makes sense to be paranoid. If that’s the word you want to use, I think it makes sense. I think the better word is to be on guard. sexual sin is real sexuality is real. Like I said, it’s every culture, every tribe, every tongue, sex is real, the attraction is real. God made it that way. It’s beautiful. That’s it. That’s the goal. You know, that’s not the goal necessarily, you know, single, there’s definitely a god. A gift. You know, but but in terms of anyone who’s not given the gift of singleness, marriage is supposed to be unifying and powerful. And that’s what sex is supposed to be supposed to be incredibly powerful. And so when, when pastors, for example, go on tour, and they’re far away from their family, that’s a dangerous thing. There are need, there needs to be not only boundaries in place to make sure that the pastor, whether it’s a woman or a man needs to be safe, you know, that if it’s a woman that women are, are traveling with her, I think if it’s a man that men are traveling with him, and that somehow some way there are sexual ways of connecting with their spouse, while they’re away, I truly do think that that is a good thing to have in place. So whether that’s, you know, especially with technology nowadays, videos together, maybe somehow you have private photos, that you’ve exchanged something some way that there’s a sexual connection, even while you’re away, maybe it’s writing wonderful, juicy letters to each other, maybe it’s having, you know, panties that you put in the other’s briefcase, you know, text messages, these kinds of things that keep you all connected on a on a sexual attraction, so that the mind does not travel towards the sexual cues that are in the area, because I think these are truly real realities. Yeah, so I, so So those are kind of kind of some prescriptive things. To just keep in mind, but I think the other thing is to have grace with those that fall. Because we are all susceptible, every single one of us, you know, I tell my husband sometimes, you know, when we’re,

  24:44
  like, I’m trying to think of this specific situation, but when somehow it comes up or, you know, I feel like it’d be helpful to have a conversation around whether or not it’s pornography or whatever, and I, you know, I just, I treat the situation like It’s a possibility. It’s always a possibility, no matter how incredibly erotic and wonderful our sex life is, and it is, it’s wonderful. But there’s a possibility no matter what, because of our sinful nature, no matter who you are, no matter how much, and how incredible my husband as he is, he’s incredibly faithful, incredibly loyal, incredibly kind and in guarding of his heart, but at the same time, he is a sinful person, that’s just part of the flesh that he is, and so am I. And I think he should treat me the same way. And it’s the grace of, you know, at any time, and you know, we need to be on guard for this. But at the same time, we need to have grace with each other, and not have this iron clad. I don’t know if ironclad is the right word to describe it. But you know, this deity, and that’s ready to drop any time someone makes a mistake. I truly believe that if my husband were to go out of the, the confines of our marriage, you know, my aim and my goal, and my decision now would be to forgive, regardless of the of the hurt and the pain and the challenge, if there would be a way to amend and forgive that is what my, my goal in my heart would be at this point. And that’s what I think the reality of sexual sin and the reality of sexual temptation would be, is strong enough that, that we truly need to have that. And I think having the safety net, of recognizing that actually strengthens a marriage rather than saying, no, what you have is a wrong terrible secret. And you should never share anything negative like that with me, because I will, I will have a as a horrible consequence for you. If that makes sense. Then what that does is separate a couple from the very getgo, from the very beginning of a temptation, it separates a couple. So when I said that, you know, let’s say, a pastor and a woman in the church, let’s say, a woman, you know, needs help, because maybe her marriage is on the rocks, and she’s crying, and the pastor, you know, brings her into his office and prays for her. And then months later, it turns into an affair. That very first situation, should result in conversations with the spouse, where the pastor has told his wife about the situation where the wife has told or, you know, maybe that situation because the marriage is on the rocks, that’s not a perfect thing. But the wife should be telling her girlfriends, there should never be secrecy. And these kinds of things, in the beginning, marriages should be unified, they should not allow that secrecy. If there’s a situation, it needs to be shared in the beginning, you know, another very sad situation that I saw talk on recently was a man, a preacher for 25 years who started churches, was an incredible preacher ended up becoming a transgender, female, and having the the the sex change, and very sad, left the church and the faith and was all about LGBTQ rights now. And it’s just a sad, very, very sad situation, because so many people are affected by it. So many people. And I just wonder, you know, what kind of secrecy was happening during this process of him making this decision? You know, how was there such a separation between he and his wife, that this could have occurred over however long they were married? He’s got adult children, so I’m sure they’ve been married for 3035 years, at least. Maybe 40?

  29:13
  How was this a secret for that long, or whether it was 20 years of developed? Focus? You know, that kind of decision doesn’t happen in an instant, takes a long time. And if we are not, if we don’t have the openness and the awareness that that these things happen, then they go in secret, and then you have a secret life of focus on something that is not of God, you have a secret life of focus and whatever we focus on grows. So if you are focusing on this temptation to for example, for this gentleman, a temptation to be a woman, that if he’s focused on these things, you know, his direction could have been entirely Different, entirely different, what could have happened is for him to discuss this with his wife, and it might have been hurtful in the beginning for her, but as she loves him the way that He desires to be loved what she could do is, you know, how does this actually get talked about? Like, okay, what, you know, what are the? What are the things that that does really turn you on and make you feel excited in bed? And how do you, you know, that kind of thing. And maybe what he prefers is that he prefers more of her being aggressive, or maybe he prefers more of her taking control. Or maybe he prefers that he doesn’t have to be super, you know, testosterone filled guy, and he can be more of the sensitive man that God created him to be uniquely created his personality to be on purpose. Before we go on, I just want to cut in here and mention that if this gentleman came to my church, I would embrace him, I would hug him, I would ask him how he’s doing, I would maybe invite him to coffee, invite him to our house. This is a person that God loves. And that’s what God sees when he sees this person. And I know that that would be my reaction, because my husband and I have a close friend from the neighborhood, who is transgender, and we love, love, love that person, and their family. And we don’t know what God’s gonna do, but my job is to love them. And my job is to care about them, and pray for them, and not to judge because it says in the Bible, Judge not lest ye be judged to the same level as you are judging someone else. So I encourage you, this is a hot button topic right now. But when was the last time we even talked about greed, but it’s in the same list. But we high five and, you know, throw parties for people, they get promotions and get higher raises. But is that something we even consider in this day and age, so why is one sin higher than the other? That is a little bit of commentary from my part. But I think it is worth saying very clearly, that love, love, love. Rather than judge, judge, Judge, God will judge me. And when someone is loved deeply by Christians, the Bible convicts, man, the Bible of the Holy Spirit convicts, he can do that all on his own, he does not need me to be judging. Maybe if an individual came to me, and, you know, convicted and asked me for direction, that would be an opportunity to discuss more deeply theologically. But in this juncture, my default is to love. You know, God has done that maybe that gentleman needed to be have a profession that was a little bit more centered on on what would have been helpful for him, maybe he could have been, you know, maybe some kind of therapist for other young men that are going through this or counselors or he could have been open and honest with this. Prior to suddenly the stark decision that ended up wrecking his family and his his children are in the ministry to and, and the kind of mourning and grieving they had to do for it to affect every everyone that he has ever known and everyone that has ever been a part of His ministry and been affected by his work, you know, there are so many other ways it could have gone and his wife could have impacted that situation years and years and years ago.

  34:04
  If there had been an openness if there had been a grace if there had been a reality of sexuality and sin, and, and temptation there. We all have it, all of us. All of it. It’s the it’s not a question of if it’s just the question of which, which sexual sin which sexual temptation are you most inclined to? And how can that be met and, and directed and guided within your marriage and, and within your life? You know, how can you serve the kingdom with that? challenge with that temptation? How can you mentor young people? How can you help system change systems change so that people are more protected if you were sexually abused? Maybe that’s something that that you can help To protect other children, how are things able to be different because of your experience because of what you’ve been through and, and what you go through now in your mind, and intimidations. So, again, I want to kind of just sum up, you know, first of all, sexual sin is real, it unifies all of us, every denomination struggles with this and don’t, don’t think that, that your denomination is is unique, to not have this struggle. It’s it’s true, it’s real. It’s all of us. And it’s you too. And it’s your marriage too. And that’s okay. And having that acknowledgement, having that awareness is actually going to guard you, because that’s what it says in the Bible is to stay on your guard, stay on watch, you know, regardless of how good God is, is doing in your life and in your ministry, and in your business, and all of these things, stay on guard, he will be using your strengths, the enemy wants to destroy everything that God is doing. And sexual sin is one of those places that the enemy can destroy. So easily, so quickly. And then the other thing is have grace, have grace with those that, that, that fall, have grace with those that sin and pray for them, forgive them and pray for them, and pray for every person that has been horribly hurt by them. And you know, this gentleman in Florida, I pray for, you know, I was hurt, I was angry, I was mad, took me a long time to pray for those that have been hurt. Because God was doing amazing things. But you know, he will still do amazing things, He is God. It’s not over. And he you know, God needed to, to humble him and humble all of us and all of us are, have the flesh that that are susceptible. So let me go ahead and pray for you and, and see what God wants to do in this prayer. Father, I thank you for this person on the other side, that you love them, and you’re with them and whatever sexual sin that they struggle with now, or have struggled with, or have seen others struggle with God, I pray that you’d give them the grace of God to see that with new eyes, Lord, that there would be awareness there would be openness, God with their spouse, with their girlfriends, with someone of the same sex to talk about to have healthy conversations, healthy awareness, God, and to bring it before you got and, and not feel ashamed, but to feel that you can work through this, that there is not. There is not a reason for fear, or for shame. But anyone that feels like that if they discussed their sin with someone else, that they could listen to this podcast, for example, and have a common language to discuss what’s really going on in their lives and in their hearts. And they can walk through this sin or shame with someone that they are not alone, that they are not unique in this and God can use it for His glory.

  38:31
  So God, I just pray that you would guard the marriage that’s on that’s on this in this conversation with me right now guard their marriage, God, help them to be creative and how to guard it to Lord, give them the tools they need to be really sexually wonderful with each other god, if it’s the right thing, Lord, that they would take my seduction course or take my delight your husband course, so that they can become really sexually excited by one another and encourage each other’s erotic side, the side that you made, and you designed and you said it was good when you made it in Adam and Eve, and that they should not be ashamed of it. So I pray God that you would do what you think is best in their hearts and in their lives.

  39:25
  Thank you for what you’re doing in Jesus name, Amen. All right. Well, thank you so much for listening in.

  39:36
  I hope that it has been insightful, inspiring, something that you’re going to take away for your marriage this week, and in the weeks to come. Once again, I invite you to webinar with me. Setting goals in Godswill go to courageous, stop calm. That’s courage. S s.com. And I encourage you To sign up and quickly because I have limited space on the webinars so people have tuned in from all over the world on my webinars and I just, it’s always been a really great time. So, God bless you. I’m really excited to speak with you very soon live. All right tocsin Nivea.

  40:24
  Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion.

   

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0:01
Hey there, welcome. This is the dy M podcast. And I’m belah rose, if you have joined us before, you know that typically I do a show about 30 to 40 minutes, and comes out every Tuesday. And a lot of times, it’s me interviewing an amazing way for intimacy expert on the keys to a successful, wonderful marriage and intimacy in it. Or maybe it’s a solo show with me talking about something that’s really near and dear to my heart and to marriage, and what I believe would be a benefit. So I don’t have all the bells and whistles today, the editing, etc, I wasn’t able to pull that all together. But I did want to give you a little inspiration for this week. Essentially, I wanted to talk about saying, I’m sorry, in your marriage, it’s something that’s very hard to do, especially when you know you’re wrong. And maybe what happens is in an argument, you spend a lot of time making accusations or any accusations, rather than asking questions. And by the time you get through the argument, it turns out, you’re wrong about a lot of those accusations, it’s really hard to go back and ask for forgiveness of your husband. If your husband’s anything like mine, it takes a lot of time for him to come out of a disagreement in terms of forgiveness, and processing, and just kind of coming out of the fog of being disrespected. Now, if you listen to the podcast, you know that men’s biggest thing is respect. And I think that’s a very hard thing for women to do. Especially when something’s really difficult, something needs to be dealt with or conversation it feels like needs to be had. How do you respect them in the midst of that? So let’s say that you did make a mistake. Let’s say that you did. You were disrespectful in an argument. Maybe you were even right in the argument. But you said it in disrespectful ways, which caused him to shut down. Or depending on who your husband is his personality, maybe he lashed out instead. And so you both are hurt, left bloody and broken. And so who’s gonna make the first move? Who’s gonna bring peace and restoration to the relationship? I will tell you it is not easy. It’s downright very difficult. It’s humbling. It’s humiliating. It’s really hard. Especially when there is a very good chance there’s not going to be instant gratification. He’s not going to reach out and say, It’s okay Babe and give you a big hug and kiss and you guys are hunky dory. It might take some time. And that’s painful, too. Because now you apologize. And then you’re faced with this day, maybe a couple of days, where you’re still not connecting as a couple because of this hurt feelings between you two. So I hear what you’re going through. And it’s really awful. I want to just encourage you to go ahead and apologize. Babe, I’m sorry, I disrespected you. I’m sorry, I accused you and those words seem so easy to say there’s only a few of them in the in the sentences I just said but they’re not easy to say and yet they can mend giant gaps. It might take a while for that those words to settle in to your marriage to your husband psyche, but it can mend. Without apologies. It’s really hard to mend big gaping wounds. But apologies that’s the first step to restoration. And that’s what you want in your marriage. And I encourage you because this is dY N You know what I’m probably going to say next is to look for an opportunity to make love

4:57
when you have done the hard work Work of apologizing. The next thing to do is work to make love work to seduce him work to cause him to feel loved and connected. So that is my encouragement to you to go ahead and make the apology, do the hard thing. And then find a way to make love so that you get connected and unified again, and you can move forward in the unity that you’re meant to live in. Alright, well God bless you. And looking forward to talking to you next Tuesday. I’ve got a great show for you. Really, really excited to share. It’s an interview with Laura Doyle, who wrote the surrendered wife and she’s got so many great insights for you. All right. God bless you and I will talk to you next week.

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What is included in this show:

• Why is amazing intimacy important in marriage?
• Why the lure of Sex is so great
• Marital love making is supposed to be intoxicating
• Should you try to make your sex life exciting?
  • Could God wants our sex life to be exciting
• What I think is the biggest barrier to amazing intimacy
• Why the enemy want to destroy the excitement in your sex life
• The attitude behind something is actually more important than the action themselves

Shift your attitude. Col 3:23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.

Men get turned on by something they see, women get turned when they feel good about themselves. -Joyce Penner

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The HOW of making it exciting:

I’ve released the first 3 parts of a new course I’m really excited about: The Seduction Course: (Christian) Hot Sex, Step A, B, C.

I didn’t feel I could give the specificity I’d like to on a public platform like a podcast or website. So I’m including VERY practical understandings and examples (language, scenarios, actions) you can use immediately in this course!

Right now you can get the course at its lowest cost (it will go up in the following week as the 4th part is released). Check out The Seduction Course now.

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Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah. Rose.

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Hey there, and welcome. Thank you so much for joining. If you hear something in the background, it is my husband doing the dishes. This is after he already made dinner, and put the kids to sleep. So I want you to know that because though I am extremely lucky, and I do have an absolutely incredible, amazing husband, I want you to feel as a wife, like the things that I’m sharing with you. It’s not because I am this oppressed woman who, you know, has to fulfill her husband’s needs, otherwise I won’t be able to do you know, the things in life I want to do or I’m submitting because I was in a oppressed way that I was grown up, I guess the reason is, is because I I surrender because I think it is God’s will I see the fruit. In my heart, I see the peace that I have, I see the joy that I get, I see the the joy that my husband has. So I see the fruit in surrendering. And if you don’t know what I mean by surrendering, I’ve got a four part series about it. But you could just listen to the first one, and you could get exactly what I mean. But further, I just enjoy life more. So that’s one thing I wanted to say. But the second thing is also sexual intimacy. When we have generous lovemaking, it means that we have a lot more peace in our family, things go better. And so that’s what today’s conversation is about, is about how to have amazing intimacy, and what’s the most important piece. So I’m currently releasing the seduction course, which is essentially Christian hot sex, steps a, b and c, I want to give you all the insight and wisdom and and just take you by the hand and help you to understand that there are really good ways of understanding your sexuality, and practically enacting those things in your marriage. And I am super practical in the course because I think either as Christians, what I have thought that there, there isn’t enough of is a combination of spiritually this makes sense. And practically, this is what you do without understanding. So I try to give you both I try to give the underpinnings of why this would make sense to do in your marriage. And then secondly, what to do, how to put this into place. And so very specific examples, very specific language. Why is language Okay? In your marriage? What exactly to say what kinds of languages Okay? And how do you do that, I mean, very, very specific, because those kinds of things, I give you a ton of insights on my podcast, but I don’t feel like I can give you those specific examples on the actual public podcast or website, I want to give much more details than I’m comfortable giving to a broader audience. The other thing that I want to encourage is that this is really a course just for women, it’s really not a course for men. So if you’re tempted to purchase it, to view it before your wife does, or something along those lines, I would ask you not to because this is really just for women. So my last thought there is that I have released the third part this week. So next week, I’ll be releasing the fourth part. The price will go up next week. So I encourage you to get the course as soon as you can, and catch up and do the homework and really get engaged and make the changes it’s really going to be phenomenal. I believe for your marriage. It’s been a lot of fun to to be writing and making for you. It’s really something that is already just become more exciting and fun for me to be thinking through and enjoying with my husband. So I encourage you for that.

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But yeah, let’s dive into the topic today. So I want to talk about what I think is the most important thing for amazing intimacy. So first of all, the question might be why is amazing intimacy important in a marriage? And sex is a lot of things you could say that sex is pleasurable sex is is something that you renew your vows. Every time you have sex. I’ve heard people say things like that, or lets you know each other, which all of those things are true. But for me, I think the the most compelling understanding of sex for me is that it unifies. It unifies a couple, I mean, how many times in the Bible does it talk about a man and a woman leaving their father or their mother and joining together and becoming one flesh? One flesh is a complete unification of one person and another person, and that is what sex does in a marriage. It’s all about everything that you think it is. But again, it’s this unification of husband and wife. So why should sex be amazing? Well, sex is powerful. I mean, how many times does the Bible say, do not commit adultery? Many, many, many times? Do a search. Why does it say that? Well, as a woman, you probably are like, well, because it’s wrong. And you know, obviously, it’s a bad thing. And adultery is, is terrible for children, and it, it makes the woman feel bad about herself, and it is a sin. That’s why you can’t commit adultery. And that’s why it says it over and over and over again in the Bible. And I would say as a woman, trying to understand a man’s mind, that it’s not. God doesn’t say it over and over and over again, it’s in the 10 commandments. You know, Jesus talks about it. I mean, it’s all over the place. It’s not because it’s easy to do. It’s because the lure of sex is so great, that God is saying, I get sex, that I get that sex is vital to you, young man. And I need to remind you, over and over and over again, that outside of marriage, it is not worth it. It is not worth it. In Proverbs, it even says that adultery destroys a man’s soul. But God in His grace gives us the antidote of sexual temptation. Get a wife, right? That’s what Paul says. So that you are not tempted you should get a wife you should get married. You know, basically, the the point is that she so that she can fulfill your drive for sex drive for sexual intimacy. Proverbs 519 says, let her breasts satisfy satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love. So so that’s the that’s the vision. That’s the that’s the point that you’d be satisfied by your wife. But again, let me remind you, dear wife, how powerful sexes Do you remember Solomon, if you’re familiar with the Bible, King Solomon was asked by God when he was a young king, that he could be given anything he wanted in all the world, or anything, maybe outside of the world, in fact, and God would give it to him. And this young man asked God for wisdom. And so God smiled upon that request and gave him wisdom. So he ended up being the wisest man in all the earth. And, you know, kings and rulers and queens even would come from all lands and all different places to, to, to come to this, this wise king and be counseled by him. Now, what ended up happening is this man who even wrote Proverbs, and Proverbs is considered even by non Christians to be an incredibly wise book. Here’s the wisest man and yet he ended up having hundreds of wives like literally, I can’t even remember how many but I think almost into the 1000s because he had hundreds of wives like 400 or 700, maybe and 300 concubines I think and and then he had maid servants or something like that, like he just it was insane his sexual

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I guess appetite or or whatever. He just let loose and you know, with all of his riches is in power, he just did all of all of that. And, and he ended up stopping following God and followed there his wives gods. And again, he was the wisest man. I mean, he had every, every reason not to do that. And yet he completely missed where God wanted him to go because of sex, right? I want to just read to you the last part of Proverbs 519, it first of all, again says, let her breasts satisfy you always, may you always be captivated by her love. And then it says, May you be ever intoxicated with her love, that’s another version, may you ever be intoxicated with her love. So I think it’s just a powerful reminder that our love making our sexual intimacy with our spouse is to be intoxicating. It is not to be half hearted, or, you know, whatever. But it’s supposed to be that kind of, of experience in your marriage. Now, I received a question a little while ago, someone reached out to me via email, you’re welcome to do that as well. My email is belah at delight your marriage.com That’s B E, L A H, at delight your marriage.com. If you have a question or an idea for a topic or an interest, or maybe you’re interested in intimacy coaching with me, I do that as well. But anyway, you’re welcome to reach out to me via email. The question he had for me was, should a couple view porn to learn to make their sex more exciting. Now, this was a husband. And I want to talk about his question a little bit before I talk about my answer. So the question is, you know, should they view porn, right, but the point of his question is, how do you make your sex life as exciting as its displayed in porn? But what I want to say is, is that it’s not just porn. I mean, I know that, you know, the knee jerk reaction is porn is wrong, porn is bad. But honestly, you and I both know that exciting sex outside of marriage is glorified everywhere, from movies, to music, to advertisements, even walking down the street, I mean, in scandalous clothing, it’s just shown as this thrilling experience to flirt with an attractive stranger at the bar, or hook up with that hottie at a party, or have sex with the guy you just started dating. The message is clear, casual sex with just anyone is hot, steamy, and the most satisfying. And that’s what we’re fed, is that is an exciting sex life. So the question you probably are asking in your head, but isn’t that sin? Well, I do think it’s sin. I think sex outside of marriage is sin. And I do think viewing it is sin. I think God designed it to solely be for a husband and wife. But one of the focal missions of dy M is to empower marriages to live out the opposite, that actually love making in marriage is better and far more satisfying than sex outside of marriage. God wants our sex life to feel exciting, and passionate, and fun and flirtatious and holy and supremely fulfilling. So how do you make your sex amazing in marriage? To be clear, having a partner who hasn’t an active addiction is violent or adulterous? Those relationships, believe I believe, require boundaries. A great book is boundaries in marriage. And I believe those situations would definitely benefit from therapy. So I am not talking about those kinds of unhealthy relationships. I think you need help. I’m not sure if you can take the advice that I’m giving without having boundaries appropriately in place so that you’re in a safe place where it’s not a hostile environment for you. But if you are in a marriage that that is healthy, that you know, maybe there’s friction, maybe there’s tension and that kind of thing. But I believe sex is a vital piece, a great sex life is a vital piece to what God wants for us in our marriage and in our life and ultimately what he wants for us to be doing for the kingdom.

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So I think the question has to be asked and answered why is unexpected, exciting sex life? I think there are a variety of answers. Maybe it’s special techniques, a variety of places, unusual situations, maybe sex appeal, or specific or unique positions. There’s a list you could think of probably of what is exciting. But I think the most important is the wife’s sexual freedom. I think the best way of explaining that is a woman with a confident, seductive, playful, and enthusiastic attitude for lovemaking. My resources and coaching focuses on a woman’s sexual freedom, and to point it, to point to it because genuine satisfaction and all the other aspects of intimacy depend on this attitude, in my opinion. So, you know, all the positions and the, you know, beautiful curves and the different places that you might have sex are the different ways, I think it all has to happen upon this kind of a sexual free, sexually free attitude that I’m going to talk more about. But that is ultimately, what is the most important key to an amazing sex life. So let me talk a little bit about the biggest barrier to amazing intimacy. Here it is, I think, I think it’s wives, thinking that exciting sex is wrong, nasty, or sinful, or all of those. So if you’re like, how I was, what the world’s messages told me, compared to my faith, they it told me that being sexy was sinful. I thought that if I acted like or looked like women who were engaging in that kind of sin, that I was also sinning, and that my husband was sinning for wanting that from me. So it was pretty life changing for me to discover that men are attracted to sexually exciting things, because God made them to be attracted to it. It wasn’t an accident that God made them with a penis that gets aroused at sexual visuals. God designed it that way. But as excited, as exciting as it may be, sex outside of marriage is a counterfeit of what God designed his people to experience in the enclosure of marriage. Again, God made the things for his people. Yes, even those things that are displayed in the wrong context. He made them for his people. He wants His people to enjoy in the privacy and intimacy and depth of love and surrender and sacrifice of their marriage. Pornography is a counterfeit. Your sex life is the real fulfillment of God’s design. When you are making love to your husband, with desire, anticipation, zeal, excitement, readiness, seduction, abandonment, sacrifice, pleasure, strength, you are not sinning. You are the real deal. The other is fake. And it is sin. But you are what God intended it to be your intimacy is real. And just because right now, you might have to fight the feelings that what you’re doing is wrong. Keep fighting. Because eventually you’ll get to a place where you’ll start to believe that God made awesome and exciting intimacy for your marriage. Because the enemy wants the counterfeit to rob your marriage have the freedom and enjoyment God desires for you and for your husband. Why? Why does he want to rob this? Why does he want you to think it’s nasty and sinful and wrong? Because the enemy wants to weaken your husband. The enemy can take him out with the shame of his lust. The enemy can take him out with an addiction to pornography. The enemy can take him out with with sin. That’s that’s ravaging his mind with this desire for anyone other than his wife because his wife isn’t performing. That’s not what God wants. God wants the excitement in your

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marriage. Again, you are the real deal. You’re amazing intimacy is real. And the rest is counterfeit. To reiterate, I think women get tripped up with the notion that if they’re engaging in exciting sex, whether it’s positions seduction attitude, that they’re sinning, because it reminds them of the sin they witnessed in other sinful contexts, like pornography, like bad movies like, you know, negative, sinful situations you understand, but the real amazing intimacy, your real exciting sex life cannot compare to the counterfeit. Your sexual freedom in marriage is true. And it will never compare. But I want to try to understand this better. I’m going to give just a little illustration here. I remember buying this beautiful piece of jewelry at the beach years ago. And it was one of those cute jewelry stores and I bought this ring, and I actually had it on my ring finger. And it was beautiful. It was silver. It was shiny. It was elegant. I really liked it. But it broke within the month. And the reason why is it wasn’t real, it was It wasn’t authentic. And though it looked like what I wanted, it wasn’t worth much. Then years later, I received an engagement ring. From the love of my life. Now the father of my children and my best friend. And that ring is gorgeous to me. It’s precious to me, it means the world. To me, it is real, it doesn’t break, it signifies a life that I love. It has so many memories, it has been so many places with me, it is gorgeous to me, no other ring even stands close to what pleasure this one gives me. But they’re both rings. They were both shiny, they both looked similar. And they were both enjoyable to me because I’m someone who likes RINGS. But one was real. And it’s infinitely better and more satisfying than the fake one. So the excitement of sex by the world standards will really never compare to the genuine passion in your marriage. But robbing your husband of the excitement in in an intimacy, the intimacy God designed him to enjoy is not okay, because you think you are acting in a way that is reminiscent of the fake ring. So that’s just a little bit of, I think what the biggest barrier and it was, for me at least, to have sexual freedom to really feel a positive wonderful attitude about sex. So why does attitude matter? Why does attitude about your sex life about intimacy with your spouse? Why does that even matter? If he is at least, you know, having an orgasm on a regular basis? Or, you know, whatever, like, Isn’t that enough? Well, no, it’s not enough. We all know that attitude is vital. But we rarely name it as such. Let’s give some examples. Your child gives you a gift. You want him to want to give it to you with a good attitude, don’t you, or you’d really rather not receive it at all. Another example, a boss, who has an employee who seems reluctant to do her responsibilities, is surely not going to be promoted. But the one who is eager and enthusiastic, absolutely will rise the ranks quickly. Another example, when you have a bad attitude about doing chores, the chores seem much more laborious, and they take much more effort. But when you change your attitude, suddenly they don’t seem so bad. Here’s an example that I did recently is, when I don’t want to do the dishes, I set a timer on my computer, five minutes, and I try my hardest to get those dishes done in five minutes. So it makes it a game. And suddenly I’ve got a new attitude about it. And it’s really fun. So your attitude is vital. And you know that in all these other situations, your attitude behind something is actually more important than the actions themselves. Think about it. Whenever an action is taken by someone else. If you don’t think that it’s genuine and positive. You would rather them not do it. Think about just anything if they give you a gift and it’s not genuine if they if they hold the door for you and they have a pouty attitude about it if they, you know, ask you to you know, give you a compliment and it’s not doesn’t have a good attitude behind it. You don’t even want it.

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Now, this attitude thing is certainly not all about him. You’ll enjoy sex far more when you’re sexually free, but it may be necessary. For you to be motivated by what it means to him, first of all, in order to take those first steps, and eventually your enjoyment will grow. So let’s examine what are your attitudes towards sex? Is it I’ll just endure it. So we won’t fight. He’s being selfish. It’s all about him, it takes too much time, I’m too tired, I’m not turned on, I don’t get any pleasure from it, it’s not worth the work I have to put into it. Or it’s a bargaining chip, if he’s good, he’ll get sex, maybe you feel like it’s your duty your chore to get done. Maybe you take it for granted, it’s just a routine. Maybe you do it just to keep him happy. Now any of these may fluctuate or change on a daily basis, depending on lots of different factors. But some of these are patterns for you. And it’ll take some intentional work for you to change them. So I want to kind of just touch on how important sex is to your husband. We talked about it on the outside of the show. But really, your husband doesn’t approach you for sex lightly. It’s not just a game for him. It’s what makes him feel like a man. He has had that thing between his legs, all his life, all his life, he has been waiting to use it. That is not an understatement. Every man has about 11 erections every day. And there’s different reasons for erections. It’s not all sexual, sometimes random, sometimes reflexive, if it’s, you know, bumps up against something. Sometimes if he has to pee, I mean, there’s different reasons for it. But every time he gets one, he would like to use it. Can you imagine a lifetime of that kind of reminder constantly. And he finally has his outlet, which is you. And he’s rejected over and over again. I mean, that is his heart. He desires intimacy with you. He wants to feel loved and his most inner being, and that is it. He wants that from you. Because you’re, you’re his, you’re the one that’s going to make him feel loved in the same way that he is the only one that can really touch your heart. When he says, How are you doing? And he means it. And he listens to you, and cares about what’s going on in your heart, and you melt because no one else can touch you as deeply as him. I mean, that’s what you’re doing for your husband, when you engage in sexual intimacy with a good attitude. Again, if he had a bad attitude, asking you about your day, you know, sometimes sometimes sitcoms, thanks that’s so funny to make fun of the fact that that women talk so much or whatever, and

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it’s not funny, it’s incredibly hurtful. Because, yes, we want to share our lives with our spouse. That yes, that is, that’s our hearts that you’re laughing about. So, so, again, you want your spouse to want to desire to love you, the way that you feel loved, you know, depending on what your love language is, that’s different for every person. But the way that you receive love that, you know, there’s more of a general there’s love languages, which are different for people, but there’s more of a general like male and female, feeling loved. And, you know, for women, a lot of times it’s being taken care of, you know, in all avenues that that means whether it’s being taken care of, you know, feels like he’s protecting the family or providing for the family or, or just wisely leading the family or, you know, having your full attention and caring about what’s going on in your life. I mean, being cherished, cherishing the wife is those are just kind of our, our deep, deep, deep desires of our husbands and the husband, you know, deeply desires to be respected, and part of his lovemaking drive, he wants to be respected in that desire. So if you shame him or make him feel bad about the ways he approaches you or his desire for you, it’s knocking his sense of self. It’s knocking who he is as a man. I mean, think about it. If he didn’t have a penis, he He would not feel like a man and you probably wouldn’t feel like he was a man either. I mean, that is vital to who he is as a person, his identity. So yes, sex is important. Yes, sex is vital. Yes, Your attitude is vital. And amazing sex starts with your attitude starts with you, becoming the woman sexually free in the bedroom starts with your attitude. So let’s talk a little bit about, I mean, what is the kind of attitude he wants, like what is ideal, we talked about all the places we might be now, as women, and I’ve been there, I’ve absolutely been there, sometimes I’m there. Now, you know, and I’ve got to re adjust where I’m coming from. And I’m going to get to some of the absolute strategies to do that in a little bit. But let’s talk about the ideal attitude. He wants you to want to make love to him. He wants you to be excited to make love. He wants you to feel sexy, and confident in your own body. He wants you to be happy to seduce him. He wants you to be playful and enthusiastic about making love. He wants you to love his body. And most of all, love his member. He wants a variety of positions. He wants a variety of views of you. He wants you to tease his body, he wants you to tease him with your body. He wants to be seduced, maybe planned, maybe spontaneous, maybe both the different times he wants you to get turned on at the thought of making love with him. So how do you shift your attitude? How do you become a woman who has that attitude? Let’s consider those examples again. How can a child shift his attitude about giving their parent a gift? Well, he can think about the love, the joy, the guidance that that child receives from his parent. He can recognize the value in his parent and what he’d miss if that parent were gone? Or what about how can an employee shift her attitude about work? Well, maybe she could look at the scriptures and find in Colossians, 323, whatever you do, work at it with all your heart as working for the Lord, not for people. She could be grateful that this job puts a roof over her head and supplies the food on her table. She could desire to point people towards Jesus based on her enthusiastic and loving demeanor. How can you shift your attitude about chores? Well, doing the dishes doesn’t seem so hard when you consider those who don’t have food to eat, and thus nothing to clean.

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You know, can you see the parallels here? I want you to work at shifting your attitude. This is not going to just happen. I have too many women that I work with that think I just I’m gonna you know, the switch is going to be flipped and suddenly I’m going to be the sexual tygris In the bedroom. And that’s what I thought before I got married. I really did. I thought that if I saved myself for marriage, I would become this wild, wonderfully sexual being. And it just doesn’t work like that. You know, some women granted maybe they do. Maybe they just need to be unleashed. And it just comes out and great. You know, they’re probably not listening to this podcast because they’re all set. But for me, I had to really train myself I had to train myself one uncomfortable action after one uncomfortable action after one uncomfortable action. And eventually, my heart change eventually. I bet it became natural. Eventually I loved this new attitude. I loved being sexually free. It was so fun to be unified with my husband. That we are together in this pursuit of God. That we are unified that the the silly little arguments stopped because we just are on the same page. We’re on the same team. We are united. We love each other. We sacrifice in the bedroom and it pours out on the outside of the bedroom. We We love those things. And yes, I will never be a man, I will never love sex as much as my husband. It’s I just won’t, I think there are women that really have a higher drive there in their heads. I mean, I know there are, but I’m not one of those women, I will always, it will always be something that I certainly have amazing experiences with him. But a lot of times, it’s an act of the will to become the woman that I need to be, to have the sexual intimacy to have the amazing love life that we enjoy. So what can you do? What are the actions you can take? First one, ask for help. We can’t do this alone, ladies. We need God. We need God to help us. It is scary. You know, it’s scary. It is not easy to look silly and uncomfortable. And all these things, you know, to think that you’re making a fool out of yourself or doing something uncomfortable. I get it. I’ve been there. I still get there. Sometimes it depends on different things. But ask for prayer. Just something simple, you know, but consistently, Lord, I asked you to give me a great attitude about lovemaking. So my husband, God helped me to crave him physically. Lord helped me to change in this area. So I can love him deeper the way you want me to ask God for help. And thank God for your husband, thank God for making him the way that you made him. The next one is aim for pleasure. To have the best sex, you have to be enjoying life. You may remember on this podcast a while ago, but it was said it was set I’m trying to think of the lady that said I’ll think of it and have it in the shownotes. But men get turned on by something they see women get turned on when they feel good about themselves. And I think it’s so true. You know, I noticed when I have eaten too much, and I feel kind of blocked. I am not interested in sex. Are you kidding me? I want to, you know, feel bad about myself and sit on the couch or something ridiculous. So when you’re making sure that you are feeling good, you are much more willing to make make love. And you know, you might be thinking well Oh, great. One more thing to add to my to do list make myself happy. But I’m not asking you to add more to your life. Isn’t that what you want? Anyway? You want a grateful heart, a peaceful life, a joyful exuberance and vibrancy for life? Isn’t that what God says Rejoice in the Lord always again, I say rejoice. He wants you to enjoy your life. He wants you to be excited about what he’s doing in your life. So yes, make sure you are enjoying the pleasure of life.

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I believe that a big piece of happier life really consists in making more space in your life about for what matters means taking away the things that’s clogging up the space in order that you can have real enjoyment. So some things that will help you become more happy. I would encourage you to take away others or your own expectations of perfection. That just doesn’t matter. Or how about the desire to do everything for everyone? If anyone asks you, you say yes, take that away. It’s nonsense. It’s not what God asks you to do. How about the concern that you have to do everything by yourself, and you don’t ask for help or you. You think it all has to be done by you. Or maybe you take away things that stress you, you try to identify what they are, and try to take them away. You know, maybe the kids don’t need to be in ballet and soccer and painting. Maybe they can just do one thing at a time. And you don’t have to drive all over the place all the time. Maybe you can do a little less. Yeah, so one discipline our family really enjoys and it is a discipline, but we make space for a rest day, every week. It’s something our church really emphasized and it’s been life changing for us. But we believe that, you know, we should take God at its word that, you know, he wants us to rest. And yes, it’s in the 10 commandments and in the Old Testament, God made the world and then he rested. So he could enjoy the good work that he did. But also he gonna be trying to say it’s also in the new tests. About rest. So I just encourage you to, to focus on that if you’d like. But, you know, on that day, we don’t do work, we do nothing that stresses us, I actually keep my phone on airplane mode. So I don’t have texts or emails or social media. We just enjoy ourselves as a family, we pray journal, relax, make sure I take time for for knowing God, knowing his heart, who he is, you know, enjoying life enjoying what he’s given us enjoying the actual good gifts that He has given us. And, you know, because I, we’re enjoying so much we have the best sex on those days, we really enjoy who we are together, we have more time because we’re not rushing from one thing to the other. And it’s, it’s not a stress, it’s, it’s a joy. So again, just to emphasize aim for pleasure. That’s the second action step by I’m telling you to do. The next one is apply faith. So, affirmations get your body into it. These are things that you say to yourself, preferably out loud, maybe in the bathroom before you do it. Or maybe when you’re walking, sometimes I’ll do it when I’m outside or whatever. But affirmations like, I’ll have fun, and I’ll enjoy myself. I’m excited to make love to him tonight. I love that he craves my body and our intimacy. I love the man I married. I love his desire. I love making love to him. These are things that you say to yourself. These are things you discipline yourself to say you apply your faith. So you might ask me, Well, aren’t I faking it? Well, let me tell you authenticity, authenticity, many times has to start with faith. When was the last time you felt threatened by a stranger? Until you took a step of faith and said good morning, suddenly, they’re smiling. Suddenly, you might even have a conversation. But if you didn’t take that step of faith, you would never have gotten there. Never? Or how about, you put a smile on your face at a party until eventually you were having a good time? You did feel happy? Because you took that step of faith and you smiled. You try

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to have a good time? Or how about the time that you had to will yourself out of bed to eventually greet a beautiful day that you had to by faith, say to yourself, it was going to be a good day? Right? How about taking out the key out of your purse, sticking it in the car and turning the ignition so that your car turned on? Right by faith, you took the key and put it in the ignition? Right? We have got to apply our faith. So affirmations is a great way to get your body into it. Get yourself in the mode, I’ll have fun all enjoy myself. I’m so excited to make love to my husband, my body craves having sex with my husband. These are all things I say to myself. Even now, it gets better and better for me, the more I believe it’s going to get better and better for me. Again, this is after I’ve prayed this is after I’m enjoying my life. This is also with affirmations, it’s a vital piece. And then the last action step is apply effort. Put yourself out there, you have got to start moving towards how you want to feel. You’re not going to feel sexy at first. In fact, you’ll probably feel silly, even ridiculous. It’ll probably be really scary. But you’ve got to act the way you want to feel. So again, apply effort put yourself out there. He is the safest person to feel silly in front of I know it’s scary. I have been there. I have been there but put yourself out there. So kind of to sum up I want to say remember, he is the only person or you are the only person he and you get to experience this width. And remember when you were dating you craved it.

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Right? Here are the action steps once again. Ask for help. Pray about your sex life. Ask God for help.

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The next one is aim for pleasure. Learn to understand your body and to experience it to understand true pleasure for for sex yourself and make yourself happy in this life. Enjoy life. So the second action is to aim for pleasure for your own pleasure. Third thing is to apply faith. That’s affirmations. Get your body in to it. And the last one, number four is apply effort, put yourself out there. So I really believe that this is the key to having the best sex life to having amazing sex. And again, I believe that’s what God wants for your marriage. Don’t sell yourself short, don’t rob your marriage have what God wants for it. But take the steps, pray about it. Work on enjoying it yourself. Apply faith, get some affirmations out there, get some working done in your heart. And then apply effort put yourself out there. Now this journey, you don’t have to do alone. You know, it’s a journey, it’s not going to be instantaneous. It’s going to take time it’s going to take effort, it’s going to be a process but but give yourself time be patient with yourself, you’ll get there. I know you will. You’ll but again, you don’t have to do to get loan, I do coaching, this is kind of my favorite thing to work on with people because I’ve been there. So extremely. And I know you can get free of this. I love seeing women become sexually free and enjoying it. And you know, I’m reading this wonderful book, you and me forever. And he’s really talking about people get married. And then they focus on how to make each other happy. And then that’s the end. It’s just, you know, they think that they left, you know, lived this life for God because they didn’t fight over. You know how you rolled the toilet paper? Like, what is that what God wants for our marriage? Really? And I agree with this guy. Absolutely. That’s nonsense. Why? Why is our standard so low? Like we we didn’t get divorced for 30 years, then it suddenly that’s something to clap over about. I mean, that is great. That is something to clap about. But how much more does God want for our marriages? He wants us to be doing his kingdom work in the world? I mean, how much is needed in this world of Jesus? That’s what we’re doing here, isn’t it? We call ourselves Christ followers. Are we disciples of Jesus? Are we following him? Are we doing his work in this world? So you might be like, Well, what does that have to do with an exciting sex life? And I think it really does. I think that sin is a distraction from God’s work in this world. Sin distracts us from what God wants us to do. And sex is everywhere in our culture. And your husband is wired to be attracted to sex. It’s it’s absolutely wired in who he is. And so yes, I think that God wants you to have an exciting sex life. I think he wants you to fulfill your husband, to make him intoxicated with your love. Yes, he has to turn his eyes away from the adulterous lusts all over the place. You can help him you can support him, you can love him, you can be his helpmate in walking the straight and narrow that God wants him to walk. You know, it even says in the Bible. I don’t have the reference right now. But it says, you know, if the husband is not a Christian, that she could win him over by her reverence for the Lord, and her submission and service to her husband. I mean, that’s powerful. Like we, as women have such an opportunity to love our husbands well, by doing this work, we don’t know how much it matters to them. We just don’t, we don’t get it. But I believe that God wants us to love our husbands, to love them, to give them the opportunity to truly be intoxicated by our love.

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And that’s what I want for you. That’s what I want for your marriage because I want you to get on with the kingdom work. And every time you make love, to feel free, to be able to be truly and utterly unified with your spouse, a true and deep oneness with your spouse so that you can do God’s work so that you can bring more people to the kingdom. Not just so you won’t fight as much. You have so much more that God wants for you. So be sexually free Well, I know you can do this. This is not out of your reach my sister. You can do this. Once again, ask for help. Pray about it. Aim for pleasure. Learn to understand your own body and enjoy your life. Apply faith, get some affirmations that you say out loud to yourself and then apply effort. Put yourself out there do that scary, silly things that are really going to get you to the place of sexual freedom. Well, thank you so much for listening. I’m so grateful that you took some time with me today. I’m praying for you. I’m praying for your walk with God. Most importantly. And I would love to see you on the section course. So head on over there and get the lowest price that it’ll ever be and, and really get the practical how tos on doing this really amazing, exciting intimacy in your marriage. All right, God bless you. And we’ll talk on Tuesday, and or in the course. Thanks, bye.

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Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion

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What do you want your marriage to look like? Is it at the level of the connection and depth of love that you desire? If not, what does it look like? And the follow up question is what you can do to change it?

We cannot change what we do not notice. I encourage you to take stock of your intimacy which is your husband’s fuel of your connection. How often are you making love and how are you making it a priority in your life? It often isn’t as easy as it sounds, but I have some tips and encouragement that will help.

When you make love to him, you are loving him the way that he receives love. So, to realize your connection goals, I encourage you to make that a strategy.

If you feel far off from where you want  to be in your marriage, my husband has a prayer for you at the end.

Love you and be encouraged this week!

——–

Be intentional about the spice of your sex life:

I’ve released the first 3 parts of a new course I’m really excited about: The Seduction Course: (Christian) Hot Sex, Step A, B, C.

I didn’t feel I could give the specificity I’d like to on a public platform like a podcast or website. So I’m including VERY practical understandings and examples (language, scenarios, actions) you can use immediately in this course!

Right now you can get the course at its lowest cost (it will go up in the following week as the 3rd part is released). Check out The Seduction Course now.

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Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah. Rose.

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Hi, and welcome. This is Bella. Now I’m just wondering where you are in your life, if you are feeling really loved and fulfilled, and close to your spouse close to God. Or maybe you’re feeling some strife and tension between you and your husband. And there’s just difficulty and there’s just a lot of pain there. Maybe, or maybe it’s just distance that you’re not close. And you really want that connection that you feel you’re missing. Today, I wanted to give you some time to consider where you are. And also where you want to be. I think a lot of times, we don’t take the time to really establish where we want to go in life. And so I’m a big journaler I don’t know if you have a journal or just just grab a I don’t know $1 at the dollar store journal, you know, where you can write out what you want your marriage to look like. And start jotting out some things you can do to make your marriage look that way. Now, this is delight your marriage podcast. And if you’ve been here before, you know that we talk about physical intimacy all the time. Because truly, I think it’s that important to a marriage having the depth of connection that a marriage is supposed to have. And so quick plug for the seduction course, because that’s the course I’m currently releasing. Right now, it’s the lowest price that it will ever be. So I encourage you to get it at this point. Because otherwise it’s going to be going up next week. So ultimately, this course is about how to have steamy hot, exciting intimacy in your marriage steps A, B and C, I really go into how to do this practically, with specificity that I really don’t think is appropriate in public way like a podcast or a website. But in the privacy of course, I just speak plainly with you about why certain words for example, are okay when it’s the exclusivity of your communication with your husband how to make each other get turned on how to have experiences that are unique and fun and exciting and, and why certain things are required to have hot steamy intimacy. And I talk about all of that. And I give lots and lots and lots of very specific, very practical examples for you to implement. The reason I think this is important to talk about as we’re talking about goals, and, you know, discussing how you can get more connected with your spouse is because if you don’t have a vibrant sex life, that is a huge part of what’s missing. Now, I don’t know if it’s the only thing that’s missing, but it’s definitely a huge part. So wherever you are, in that, you know spectrum, if this isn’t something that’s a consistent part of your weekly life, it really has to be. And as a woman who doesn’t have as high of a drive as my husband, I recognize the value of it, I recognize how important it is to our marriage. And so I prioritize that and it becomes so much more fun and more exciting and more exhilarating, the more intentional I am about seduction and exciting hot intimacy, and I like it more myself. So if you’re a woman like me, who’s kind of in that situation, where your husband wants it all the time, and you’re like, I would just like to read a book.

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Recognize that there is such value and prioritizing that above so many other things in your life and making sure that you keep that at the forefront as priority. And so what I think is really important is to give yourself a goal. Once again talking about goals. Give yourself a goal of how many times you want to have sex every week. And maybe that doesn’t sound sexual, sexy, and exciting to you. Or if there’s husbands listening, you know, tune this out for a couple minutes. But as a woman, we often have to will ourselves to make love before our body gets engaged. Does that make sense? We actually, a lot of times, for the most of us, not every encounter, but a lot of times, we have to make the choice that we’re going to feel aroused, that we’re going to engage in intimacy, we have to make that choice before it will ever happen physically in our bodies. So with that in mind, when you kind of have this mental timeframe going on your head of like, okay, I know my husband has a higher drive than me, what does that mean? Practically? How often are we going to make love every week? So if you have that figured out, then you can plan accordingly. So I always suggest that you have a conversation with your husband to say, you know, ideally, how many times a week would you like to be making love. And depending on what he says, you can then respond with, ideally how much you would like to be making love, and have that honest conversation. Because if you don’t know, you won’t have the chance to.

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to kind of be a an informed decision maker, because if you don’t know how often he really desires it, to connect with you, then it’s really hard for you to decide, okay, that’s, that’s way too much. Or that’s, you know, however you feel like responding. Because the thing is, and I say this all the time, and I say to my my book and courses, but he feels love through sex, he feels your love, your intimacy, your connection, he’s literally flooded with oxytocin, when you make love, that’s his connection to you, is through the sexual act. And so when he’s desiring to make love to you, it’s not just because he’s a man, and you should ignore that drive. Because, you know, our society thinks it’s funny. It’s not I mean, as much as you know, I just laughed about it. But the truth is, it is the desire of a man’s heart. And it’s not something to disrespect. But it is something to honor and to recognize as something that’s valid, that He desires that because physically, he is created to desire that to crave that to desire and crave your sexual touch and your intimacy. So have that conversation with him. So let’s say he says every single day, and let’s say you say, I would prefer maybe once every two to three weeks. So now you’re recognizing there’s a big disparity. So what are you going to do about it? Maybe that ends up looking like two to three times a week. Right? So then if you’re, if you look at it like that, then as as a woman, you’re thinking, okay, how can I fit this into my life two to three times a week? Well, right now, I’ve got a ton too many things in my life to even potentially put that on the table. All right. So now, let’s get very specific look at a schedule. How long does it take to make love? Maybe, maybe the tops, hour and a half? Alright. So put that in a schedule. Which nights of the week, could you make that work? Maybe there’s Saturday, midday, you could make that work? Which days could that work? And I’m not saying that you have to necessarily schedule it, necessarily. But you do need to open up your life enough so that this can happen consistently. And I do have to get this real with you. Because a lot of times we as women we think in our head. Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s it’s important. I know it’s important. And then days go by and days go by and a week goes by and a week and a half goes by and we completely forget that our husband desires this so much. And if you remember the desire of the husband is so strong, that it’s really hard to focus on other things and avoid temptation. If all he’s focused on is Sexual intercourse he’s not having with his wife, that’s a really big issue. So how do you put that on your calendar? How do you make sure that there’s not things that are crowding out your life to to ensure that you’re having that connection that you are making love on a consistent basis. So, as I’m, you know, creating this selection course, I’m really loving it, because it is really encouraging me to be much more proactive. Just because, you know, I’m thinking about all the hot, spicy things that we do, and kind of taking it up a notch. And I will say, it’s really fun and exciting to be so connected with your spouse. I mean, I feel like we have a really strong connection anyway, because our physical intimacy is so strong. But taking it up a notch is really fun. You just feel so much extra freedom and excitement when you see that person walk through the door, or you just want to melt into their arms, as you’re, you know, sitting next to him in church, for example, as I was doing the other day where I just can’t get close enough to him, because he’s just so wonderful. I mean, those are the kinds of experiences you can expect when you are having wonderful, passionate, consistent lovemaking.

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Another thing that’s really key is to consider how important it is to be consistent about lovemaking. I think that we don’t realize that once we get out of kind of a good rhythm of frequency, it’s really hard to jump back into, to making love. So let’s say you’re doing really good, you were making love every few days. And then suddenly, you go a week, and it’s like, Whoa, it’s really hard to get this thing started again. And for women, that’s that’s a reality. I recognize that it suddenly you’ve got to remember how to be seductive, or that your body is beautiful. And you need to be providing a visual feast, as I call it to your husband, like sometimes those things you kind of get out of out of that mode after too many days. And so as a wife, it’s our responsibility to stay in that mode, to remember to be in tasting our husbands with whether it’s text messages or whisper in his ear different, seductive things, or, you know, make sure that you’re having actions that kind of turn him on throughout the day here and there. And you just keep this excitement going between the two of you. And then, you know, it’s so easy to kind of move into that love making zone when you guys have some time and space to do it. But don’t get out of the rhythm of every couple days making love. Don’t let it go too long. And I’ve definitely been guilty of that myself. But then I recognize like, oh my gosh, how hard it is to, to get back into enjoying it again. Though, again, just as a wife, it’s really all about choosing to go for it, choosing to enjoy it, and then boom, you are enjoying your body is enjoying it. But it’s that choice that becomes so hard. It’s like, why does it seem like I’m not going to enjoy this. But then once you make the choice, it is really wonderful. I’m hoping that makes sense to you women out there. I think it does probably to the women not to any husbands that decide to listen. But anyway, so here’s, here’s a thought that I would encourage, you don’t have to let your husband know that you’re doing this but make a chart just with lined paper and write out every day of the week. And then every time you tease him you could put a check mark on that day. And every time you make love put a little hearts on that day. So you can start to see what is your pattern right now with making love? Because you might think that you make love a lot. And the truth is, you might not be and you might just not know because you’re not tracking it. You’re you don’t have any data. But if If you’re actually looking at something and realizing, wow, we haven’t made love in a week, then you actually can see that Wow, no wonder he so desirous No wonder he seems to never leave you alone. And I will tell you just so you know, dear wife. I think sometimes women think that men kind of like, the more you feed their sexual appetite, the worse they’ll become. Well, that’s not the case with a godly husband at all, all he wants is your love. And that satisfies him. It’s an appetite, and he’s filled. But it’s not something that you have to worry that the more you make love to him, the more he becomes the sexual monster who just can’t be satiated. That’s not the way it is, the way it is, is that you love him the way that He desires to be loved. And it’s the same way. If you can imagine how horrible it would be of a husband, saying that his wife just wants affection, because she is just going to be more and more needy, the more I give her this affection and attention and emotional support, she’s just going to get worse and worse and worse. So I am just going to ignore when she starts crying, I’m just going to ignore it because she clearly is just going to get worse, like can you imagine. But think about that as women how often we

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a little allow ourselves to go there, or how women have let themselves go there. So if that’s something you’ve kind of thought in the past or struggled with recognize that’s not the case, you’re simply loving Him the way that he receives love. So I’ve talked a little bit about goals. So So in your journal, writing out how you want your connection and relationship to feel. And I talked about making love. The other thing that’s interesting is as a spouse, I know it’s not fair to think that you are serving your spouse more than the other. The other partner is serving you. And it very well might not be fair. And I’m sorry about that. I recognize that’s really hard. I think there’s a lot of advice on the podcast, in terms of how to help change that. But what I want to say right here right now is I would encourage you to allow yourself to serve more in this season, because it very well may just be a season. And you’re just kind of pouring into their bucket. It’s funny, my kids have this. They’re four and three. And we’ve got these books that we read to them about an invisible bucket that everyone has on their head, that when you’re when you do kind things for each other, you fill the other person’s bucket with beautiful stars and flowers and hearts. But when you do bad things to each other, you’re taking out all those wonderful things from their bucket, and you’re making them sad because you’re emptying their bucket. And so the way we do this in our household is that when they do good things, or they’re kind to each other, they share the good behavior, they get a star in their bucket and we have a little we’ve taped up a little bucket on the wall for each of them, and they get a star in there. But if they’re about to do something wrong, I have to warn them. Now, if I get to three, I have to say, put that toy where it goes, that’s number one. Remember, put that toy where it goes, that’s number two, put that toy where it goes or you know, I’m going to have to take a star away from your bucket. And then Bada bing bada boom, once I mentioned the star, they put that toy away. Right, right then right there. And I’ll tell you I explained that very carefully because I had I wish someone had told me that at least a couple of years ago in my parenting journey, this little bucket metaphor with the stars and the whole thing taped up on the wall because it is very, very, very effective. Someone my my son’s preschool teacher taught it to us and we are the result. So anyway, but the point of that is that as you are serving your husband, you are filling his bucket. You’re making him feel so wonderful about himself about his life, about the way things are going and very well may be a season that you are serving him more than he is you. And or maybe you shouldn’t be keeping track. Maybe it’s not about who’s serving each other more or not. And maybe it’s just about giving and loving and, and serving. And we’re not keeping track of those things. So I do want to just encourage you, though, that I do believe that the more you engage in making love making a priority, it will bring your connection closer together, it will draw you to closer together.

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Funny enough, I wasn’t going to do a full podcast this evening, I was talking to my husband and we were like, well, it seems like the best thing to do would be to pray for couples that are struggling. And instead, I kind of went through a long explanation about goals. But I am a very goal oriented person. And I think this is helpful, because sometimes, if we don’t have something, we’re moving towards an aim and ambition a thought, we’re just kind of wallowing. But if I, if I’m asking you to write out a vision of what your marriage could be like, What do you want it to look like? So then when you’re praying for something, you actually have an image in mind, rather than praying just to get out of the situation you’re in or just kind of wallowing in where you are, but instead, have a vision of where you’re going and and proactively think about changes or proactively think about steps that would affect things. And I kind of went through a very long, you know, encouragement to you about lovemaking, because it is that powerful, to grow your connection together. One thing to mention is that, you know, a big reason for divorce. One of the top reasons cited on different studies is financial stress. But interestingly enough, there is a study that says I haven’t in my book, delight your husband, but the study says that couples that make love one extra time a week, that’s the equivalent equivalent of making an extra $50,000 a year. So if you can imagine, and honestly, it might have been $100,000. But to be conservative, let’s just say $50,000. So if you can imagine when couples who are having so much financial stress, what if they just started making love one extra time a week. And then it’s like having this giant pay raise. So if that’s one of your biggest stress is I just want to encourage you make love, you’ll feel the connection, you’ll feel the intimacy, he will love you more because you’re loving him in the way that he receives love. The generosity that you can provide. And again, this is something that we as women are not naturally going to understand. But as we make it a priority and as we serve and as we love in those ways, we understand it more and more, and it gets better and better for us too. So I just encourage you that from from there. I do want to ask my husband to come over and pray for the couples out there that are in challenges and and really are feeling disconnected and need encouragement. So I’ll let him pray for you

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Good god, I can never saw love the Sunday. Okay, let’s pray. Dear Father, I pray for those couples that today they just have some arguments that you get them close together. I pray for the couples out there having a wonderful time that they will encourage other other ones so they live close to that they know each other other people pray that they gave encourage other couples. For those ladies that are listening to the podcast thank you so much for for listening for learning. And for those husbands out there listening to a pray God that the sub their hearts that speak to their wives store spec, their wives, their spouse cut and people that they have kids that they will see how the husband and wife react or towards each other that they were react and outside I prefer my wife that sometimes is very tough in her life, that to give me the wisdom to encourage her. Because there’s a lot of things that I just come in live to be discouraged. I prefer those ladies. Thank you so much for listening and want to improve. Ensure your husbands, that you love them, you care about them. Kiss me come from man that I believe that that’s how it feels. And they will feel secure and we feel that we will love and be wanted. Thank you. Amen.

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Amen. Okay, well, thank you so much for joining. I love you. And we’re praying for you. And I hope that you do feel encouraged. And know that you can do a lot to make sure your marriage is more connected, more at peace more loved. And I encourage you to do that hard work. It is hard. It’s not easy. But you can do it. Love you, girl. We’ll talk next Tuesday. Bye.

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Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it. Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion.

26:45
Hey, one quick note is that I am actually behind on the selection course. I’m sorry, I was trying to get Part Three released this week, I wasn’t able to fully get it there. But that means that there is one more week of the lowest price ever. That you can jump on board and get caught up this weekend. So if you’ve already purchased and you’re already in the selection course you have this week to perfect. The work we’ve already done in the first two parts. Make sure you’re up to speed make sure you’ve got your homework done. And you’ve got those journal entries accomplished because if you don’t do the work of those really articulating what you’re thinking how you’re feeling, the changes you’re making and doing those actions that I’ve asked you to do. It’s you know, the changes are not going to be there as encourage you jump on board if you can. Otherwise if you’re already on board, make sure you’re staying with us. So Part Three next week. Looking forward to it.

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Main Points:

• The safety and stability of a home is due to the spouses’ generosity in the bedroom
• Making love is God’s work.
• “Yes, God changed me. But he changed me through [our intimacy].” -my husband
• Gen 2:24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.
  • God was talking about sex.’
• What a wife needs to make love is a man living out the fruit of the Spirit.

The Seduction Course Part 1 is released today!! Purchase now to have the most discounted price! (It will go up next Tuesday when I release Part 2!)

I am SO excited to share this content with you. I think it will really get you to the place of implementing and doing, practically, those things that will really make you feel powerful. Because you will know that you know how to drive him wild.

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah. Rose.

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Hi there, and welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today, I hope all is going well in your day. And if things are hard, and a lot of times things in life are, I hope that this is a little bit of respite, something that kind of picks you up and causes you to come outside of maybe some of the challenges and gives you fresh insight and energy into your day. Just FYI, might have some background noise going on. And I hope you’ll be okay with that. My husband is busy making our lunch after he put the kids to sleep, while I asked him if it would be okay if I prepared for our interview. And he was happy to do all of those things. So this is a podcast that I really want to share. I was cut, you know, when I prepare for podcasts, and I, I really just kind of am prayerful about what God wants me to speak on are just kind of discerning, or my aim is to be discerning of where the inspiration is. And where I see in terms of my heart is becoming really sensitive to or feeling really difficult emotions towards and wanting people to know this, if they only knew this things would be different. And so I feel like some sometimes that’s the way I get inspired. And I feel the Lord leading in terms of the specific topic I talk about. So today, the missional marriage bed. Now, as a woman, I feel that this is, I hope, a helpful podcast, I probably don’t have to convince so many men, that marriage bed is actually a place that produces spiritual fruit. But I think women might not be in that spot. So what I want to be talking about is the purpose missionally of sex in your marriage. The reason I say men probably don’t have to be convinced of this is because they know when intimacy is good and consistent and generous in their marriage. It’s much more easy for them to connect to Jesus to not be tempted to kind of stay on the straight and narrow. Those are things that become easier for them when intimacy is strong. And I think for women, we were not exactly wired that way. You know, I feel as a woman that sex is something that’s wonderful. But it’s not necessarily something that is on my mind all the time, or needs to be this, you know, really consistent frequence experience. Now, what I do know as a wife is that I know how my husband is I know, a level of insight into his heart, that makes me understand how important this is to our marriage, XY and Z. But if I didn’t know those things, I don’t know that I would make sure that sex was such a priority. Because to me, I could go quite a while without it being a large piece of our lives. Now, there wouldn’t be a lot of the fruits of sex, but I wouldn’t feel personally deprived necessarily because I wouldn’t see the issue as sex I would see it as him being moody and him being not servant hearted and him not doing the things that he should be doing and him not being a good father and I would be blaming all you know him not being connected to me or wanting to listen or wanting to talk and that’s what I would see as the issues not the issue of me not being a generous lover in our sexual intimacy.

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So That’s kind of one of the pieces I want to, or the maybe the backdrop of what I want to say, as a woman, as a woman that feels the way I do. And certainly, there’s variants of how women feel about sexual intimacy. So the women, I generally speak to our women, like myself, you know, maybe myself 10 years ago, where I was unaware of who men were created to be their drive, and the purposes of it, and the purposes of sex and what I as as the wife of a man, what my role is in that. And so I speak to women who are, have a lower libido than their husbands and maybe don’t naturally crave that as their their husbands do. So, today, I really want to focus in on how sex is actually a part of your ministry, in this life, how sex is not just about serving his appetite, but sex is actually about serving our Creator God. And actually being a person that’s living according to your mission, as a woman, as a as a being, who was created by God, who we want to worship who we want to live for. And sex is a huge piece of that. It’s not just for your husband, so yes, delight, your marriage, delight your husband video course, to let your husband book and my new the seduction course, all of those seem to be focused on how to please your man. But it’s really so much more than that. It’s really becoming a woman who elevates this piece of life, in the place that I feel God wants it to be, because it is so missional so I want to talk about that. Why is sex missional Why is your marriage bed, a missional place a place of, of deep ministry, deep purpose in terms of who God is, and who we are in relationship to that. When God created man, when he created woman, He created us in His image. So you as a woman are a bearer of God’s image. So your nature as a woman is reflective of God’s nature. Your nature as a mother is reflected of God’s nature as a mother, those nurturing those desires of emotional care, of being cherished, of desiring. You know, affection. Those are things about God, that He desires and craves those things that he wants to nurture, that he wants to care for. These are, these are images, these are the dignity of God, reflective and a woman. And also, as a woman. You know, we want a man who is patient, who is gentle, who is kind, who is faithful, who is generous. Now I’m trying to think of all the fruits of the Spirit. Let’s see, love, joy, peace, joyful, right? We want a happy husband joyful, peaceful, love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, a good man, kindness a kind man. Let’s see where is it gentle and self control. We want to self controlled man, I think I got all the fruits of spirit. I mean, those are, those are deep desires of our hearts and

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a man one of the top things is he wants a sexual woman he wants a woman who craves him sexually, who is generous in the bedroom who is free in the bedroom, who is willing to be adventuresome and have variety and likes and craves and wants his body and, and is excited about his member and wants all of those things. And that’s one of a top high priority on his list. And for a woman to get there and to want any and all of those things. She wants a man that’s going to exhibit the fruits of the Spirit. So if you think about a husband and a wife, a man and a woman coming together for a woman to be all of the things that her husband wants her to be there’s tygris in the bedroom. He’s got to be exhibiting the first thing The Spirit, if he is this selfish pig, you know, out in the streets out in the world, you know, treating her poorly throughout the days, she’s not gonna want to do any of those things in the bedroom. Absolutely not. But if he is seeking the Lord and seeking to exhibit the fruits of the Spirit and seeking spiritually to walk in, in those the character of Jesus, she wants those things, and ultimately what he wants. So it’s, I think, very interesting how God made men and women so different. And yet, they need each other, you know, the man needs the woman, because to be sexually fulfilled, he needs her. He can’t do that on his own. Right, he needs her to fulfill him that way. And the woman needs him in the ways that she needs him in the affection and the attention of being cherished. So sex is a huge part of that, of helping us to be more like Jesus, right. And as a woman, we become more like Jesus when we serve in the area of intimacy. So generously, right as a as a woman, and I’m speaking specifically to women like me, as a woman, I don’t crave intimacy, like my husband does not in the least, I enjoy the elements that I enjoy about intimacy. But I could go significant time without it. But I will say that when I do it, when I put myself in the place, and I use my will to do that, when I put myself in the place of, of craving, and I created an area in my, in my heart, it’s almost like going to the gym, right? You, you might have a really tough time going to the gym. But once you’re there, and you rock it out, and you got your tunes, or, you know, you’re getting there and you’re moving your body and all that, man afterwards, you feel like a million bucks. And you realize, yeah, this was totally worth it. Well, a lot of times us as women, we’ve got to decide in our hearts and our minds, we are going to do this, we are going to get in there, do it 100%. And afterwards off, the payoff is amazing. Afterwards, the payoff is unity, joy, peace. This is wonderful. Just just overwhelming sense of connection, putting the two of you on the same page in a way that nothing else can. That’s what sexual intimacy does. And it brings you to, to a level of connection and satisfaction, so that you both enter life. In a place of fulfillment, you enter life, knowing that your relational needs are being met, that you feel loved. And then it’s so much easier to love your neighbor, it’s so much easier to love your kids, it’s so much easier to serve in the capacities that you serve in. Because you’re, you feel so fulfilled in your relationship. So I had a few friends growing up, who had wonderful marriages. And when I say a few, I really think about one in particular, but more recently, it started to make me think of a second one that was also a really good marriage. And there was a lot of hardship in the marriage. I grew up in

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real, like, just pain that came from the marriage I experienced as a child growing up. But I was talking to my husband about this was so interesting. I spent a lot of time at my friend’s house. And my husband really put his finger on it that there was a piece there. And that home, you know, even though there were so much rocky storms at my own house, when I went over there, there was just a piece. It was safety. That was the thing he said that was he really hit the nail on the head safety. There was a safety there in that house, that things were stable, that this this home was not being rocked by the potential of splitting up by the potential that anytime there’s going to be rhetorical knives thrown across the room at each other you know that we’re going to attack and there’s going to be You know, strife and sadness and pain. But instead there was just the safety in this home. And, you know, it was interesting. When my husband said that we were thinking in the context of when our boys are moved out of the house, I wonder what God’s going to be causing us to have our attention and focus on and I was thinking, you know, maybe it’s too, so into the lives of young people. And he’s like, yeah, maybe it, maybe it’s, you know, being a safe space for young people that they can just feel the atmosphere in our home of safety, you know, that the world is not as Rocky as they think it might be that God is allowing there to be safety here. And 100% I know very specifically, that both of those houses, sex was a huge part of it. It was generous in those homes. And it might sound funny, but that is so foundational to a healthy home. It is so foundational, generous lovemaking is foundational. And as I’m doing this seduction course, as I’m continuing to write it, it’s been amazing writing this course, it’s just, it’s caused me to grow, it’s caused me to become more excited. And I’m just so excited to share this material. Anyway, so but the. So I was thinking about when I was talking to my husband, who’s thinking about, you know, the truth is that the woman controls the sexual relationship in the home, the husband can only do so much. The wife is the one that decides when it’s going to happen, how it’s going to happen, if it’s going to happen, the situation it’s going to happen in I mean, she is the one. And it’s interesting, because when I started to be so much more intentional about lovemaking in a generous in a exciting in a, you know, lots of variety. In that way. You know, my husband felt so much more loved. But for me, I didn’t realize that I was the one making the changes. It wasn’t him, he didn’t make changes. And yet, I felt so much more loved to the way he responded to me, because he was feeling so loved was I felt so loved. And yeah, the benefits in my relationship, though, I have a lot of fun with seduction, I have a lot of fun doing these things and the connection we feel. But in terms of just the more practical

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I don’t know, fruits or benefits of lovemaking in this way, are outside of the bedroom. Honestly, for me, you know, I have a husband, that’s a better father, I have a husband that’s willing to do tons of things just because I say I’d like to, you know, I’d like that. And I just leave it at that as a surrendered wife, I just, I let him make the choices. But I I just trust that that. You know, when I say something I’d like sometimes it happens and I and it makes me really happy. And but the point is, I have a better life when I am generous with my husband. It’s just it’s incredible. It’s it’s incredible. The man I have because of my depth of generosity in the bedroom. And I’ve even talked to my husband, he was a very different man. You would be shocked. You would be shocked. Maybe one day I’ll be able to have his testimony on here. But you know, I kind of asked him about well, you don’t really think sex is the thing that changed you. You know, God clearly changed you and he’s like, Yeah, I agree. But I think God use sex to change me. very vital. I’m just gonna say it again. Yes, God changed me but I think God used your sex to change me. And dear wives, we have no idea how much sex matters to his heart. We don’t we just can’t understand it. But take it at my Word, just, this is so important. Your husband knows it. It’s so like, obvious. He’s probably like, I don’t need to listen to something like this. This is, it’s obvious, of course, don’t you just look around at our world, of course, that’s what it’s all about. And as wives, it’s not, it’s not on our radar like that. But think about it that way that what you do in your marriage bed affects the way your husband lives, his life, it affects the way he’s able to focus, it affects the way he’s able to relax his body, and it affects the way he is less given to anger. And it’s, it allows him this space to have the the ability to feel more love towards you and more connection and the desire to serve you more. And there’s such a mission. As part of why you make love to your husband, there’s a mission there. There’s purpose there. There’s a ministry there. And, you know, when God made man and woman, it said, Therefore a man shall leave his mother and father, and be united to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. There’s no other way that you can interpret one flesh. It’s literally skin on skin, flesh on flesh, becoming one flesh, the sexual relationship in marriage, Scott ordained, it’s God designed, it’s in its that’s what marriage is becoming one flesh, the sexual union. So, I just encourage you that sex is so much more than being quote unquote, about him. And yet, and yet, as a woman, speaking, definitely for myself, but possibly for all women. I’m not sure but possibly. When you are in your marriage bed, you are doing God’s work. You are doing God’s work. It’s not all that serving outside of the bedroom. It’s not all that stuff. But God’s work is happening in your marriage bed. That is God’s work. All that other stuff is good. And you know, discern your discern it, you know, check to find out is this God’s will, is it not, but definitely, when you make love to your husband, that is God’s will, like, just hear that. It is definitely God’s will to make love to your husband.

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So, circling back the seduction course, I want to give you that I want to give you how to do that how to how to be a woman that makes love in a way that’s free in a way that’s hot, something that turns you on something that turns him on? How to understand language in the bedroom, how to understand being free, what does that look like? How do you do that? In a way? That’s fantastic intimacy, how do you do that? Where it’s not just meat and potatoes, sex, how does it? How is it hot and exciting. I don’t feel that I can say very specific explicit things on a very public way like this. So I think the privacy of a course allows me to be much more explicit, much more specific in verbage, in clarity on those things, so I want to I want to give you that option. Now. I also want to motivate you to do this course. So I’m releasing it week by week. So this is actually a first week I’m releasing it. So every week it’s going to go up in price. So this is also a motivator for you to get on the bandwagon now as soon as you can do the coursework and really do it, do it. Do this coursework. Get yourself out of where you were, and into hot, steamy, vulnerable, generous, godly, exciting sex life. Go to delight your marriage.com the seduction course right now it’s over 50% off. This is going to be really good. I am excited for you So this is God’s work. This is God’s work. You see these horrible things in the news all the time, where men of God fell to porn addictions and prostitution and all these horrible affairs and churches and just terrible things. But if they had incredible sex lives, that stuff wouldn’t even be close to happening. And I want that for you. This is hard work that I do, believe it or not. Because whatever. I mean, it’s hard. But I want you I mean, I just pray I was just praying about it this morning. Like, what if God did something amazing in 100 marriages? Through this course, what if God did that? In just 100 marriages? That’s 100 families. That’s 100 Ministries, because it could be 200 Ministries, because we’ve got that husband and the wife feeling free and and loved and generous in, in their, in their gifts and the work of God in their lives. Because flowing out of this place of deep fulfillment. From a very connected sex life. Oh, just 100 just 100 So who knows what if God’s gonna do that and 1000 marriages. So start this journey with us with me. This is going to be fantastic. So to let your marriage calm so that the seduction course you can click on Resources, find it there. My dear. I’m praying for you. I love you. I hope that this has been something that you say yes. God wants a wonderful, hot, steamy, exciting, passionate sex life. This is God’s work. When I approached my husband in intimacy, it is God’s work. Alright, well, I will talk to you next week. I love you. Have a wonderful rest of your day. And make love to your husband tonight.

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Thanks for listening. Stop by delight your marriage.com to check out all the show notes as well as many more resources and articles. Until next time, live with love, wisdom impassion