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Finances are the #1 cause for divorce, find out how this marriage survived even having the electricity cut off and not enough gas to drive to church. Today I have Valerie on the show to talk about her marital story. Like all of us, she experienced tough times financially. She shared how hanging tight to God was the best thing she could do for her marriage. Listen in!
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(Sorry shownotes are a little sparse this time! My regular system is down, but it will be updated soon!)
Transcript
0:00
delight your marriage episode 15.
0:03
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah rose.
0:20
Hello, and Hello, and welcome back to the delight your marriage podcast. My name is belah rose. And I’m so glad that you’re here today. And I just want to say a special thank you to everyone that reached out to me via email or Twitter or Facebook, that just encouraged me about the last episode that was episode 14, I was pretty vulnerable. And I really told you what I felt about oral sex. So I would encourage if you haven’t gotten a chance to listen to it feel free. And I just want to thank everyone that did give such positive feedback, it was really, really wonderful. And you know, if you haven’t gotten a chance yet to go to the iTunes Store, actually and review this podcast, that would be the best place to send your feedback. And I just want to thank everyone that has done that so far. Honestly, it means so much to me, I read those and it is a huge encouragement. You know, it’s scary doing something new, honestly, if you’ve ever taken a step of faith and and done what you felt God was leading you to do, sometimes, I mean, it’s downright scary. So I just appreciate those that have have given such positive reviews. And the cool thing about iTunes reviews is actually, the more reviews a podcast has the bigger iTunes displays it in different areas, and it’s easier for people to find the podcast. So it actually means a big deal to not only myself, but also for others to find it. So if you get the chance, I would so appreciate you going to delight your marriage.com/itunes. And you can find out how to do it there. And yeah, check out Episode 14, it’s a it’s definitely a cool topic that I hope will benefit you in your marriage. But today is a little bit less steamy. But it’s focused on a very important part of marriage, which is finances. I mean, that is one of the biggest reasons for divorce right there. And I think Valerie who is my guest today has some amazing wisdom to share. So I’d love for you to listen in, step into her story for a moment and see what God wants to teach you through her insights here. Enjoy, and I’ll talk to you on the other side. Well, hello, again, to delight your marriage listeners. I am here with Valerie, who I’m really excited to talk to. She is going to tell us a little bit about her marriage and her story. And so first off, Valerie, thank you so much for coming on and welcome. And would you go ahead and say hi to the listeners and introduce yourself and your family and a little bit about your day to day life?
3:08
Okay, well, first off, my name is Valerie. I’m a stay at home mom, I have a little boy who’s seven. So he’s in school. And I’ve been married for six years. My husband’s not my child’s biological dad. But he’s, you know, always known. So there’s
3:29
great and so your husband works while you’re stay at home. And I heard someone say this recently. It’s a work from home mom is really what it should be called.
3:36
Exactly.
3:40
Awesome. Great. Okay, well, would you tell us a little bit about you and your husband’s relationship and a little bit about your personalities? Because I know that’s a big, a big thing. Could you explain a little bit about that? My husband
3:53
like we we come from different backgrounds, you know, like, his parents are like, you know, they kind of, they were like, a lot more strict than mine were. So like, he, he kind of like he he can fix things and he can like he can do everything. And then like, like me, I’m a little bit you know, like maybe passive about some stuff, you know, like I just I doubt certain things and he’s just go with the flow and I’m just second guessing a lot of things.
4:23
The podcast is really about inspiring and empowering wives. So I’d love to hear either a scripture or a quote that you really have felt encouraged by over the years or even just recently.
4:34
Okay, Proverbs 31 like to be a less of like noble character and and then there’s also this book that says 31 days to becoming a happy wife. Oh, and it’s, it’s by Arlene pelican. And that book is amazing. Like, it helps a lot. Yes.
4:59
What did you Finally inspiring.
5:01
There’s this thing that says what makes it easy being married to you. And then and then that’s where it says the Proverbs 31. It says when she speaks, she has something worthwhile to say. And she’s always says it kindly.
5:20
That’s so good and so important in marriage, always saying something kindly. Not the easiest thing to do.
5:30
Right? When you feel hurt, so
5:33
Mm hmm. Especially, I probably would say, especially when you feel hurt to say it kindly. That’s wonderful. Okay, would you share a story about your marriage have a difficult season or a struggle that you all have had?
5:48
A while back when we were first together. Like when we first got married, he had lost his job in it, and we were like, doing really bad. And then we had to move in with his mom. And like, it just taught us a lot about each other, you know, like, you know, like, we had to work together. And, you know, there were times when it wasn’t great. And then there were times that it was, you know, like, we prayed really hard. And, you know, visually, God helped us get through that. But it was really tough at first.
6:20
Yeah. And your son must have been how old at that time?
6:24
He was two or three. I think he was three.
6:27
Oh, gosh. So that’s, you know, such an easy age. Imagine that helped with that being difficult. And so when you at your mom’s house, did you Did Did he eventually get another job? Or how did that happen?
6:45
Well, yeah, like, eventually, we got it. Eventually, he got another job. And things got better for us. But it took a couple months. And like we would bounce from my mom’s house to his molars. And you know how, like, living with parents is very difficult, because they want you to do things the way they want you to do it. Like, like, my mom will be like, well, you know, get she, they just get tired of helping you. You know what I mean? Like, for when it’s for like, a few months? They’re like, Okay, y’all need to figure it out.
7:16
I imagine that even stranger relationship with your mom and his mom, too.
7:20
Yes. A little bit. Yes, it did.
7:25
Wow. And so you said that prayer was a huge piece of getting out of that situation? Could you explain that a little bit more.
7:32
We would, we would pray together. Like, we would like sit there and we would read the Bible, and we would pray together. And then like, we would go for these walks, and we would just sit there and pray. And we’d be like, God, please help us, you know, cuz we know that they’re getting tired of us. And we’re kind of getting tired of them a little bit, you know? So, so but yeah, we prayed. And we would look up, you know, read the Bible together. And we just, you know, prayed for strength.
7:59
Yeah. To go to church together during that time.
8:04
We did a little bit like, we didn’t have guests to like, get everywhere, you know. So like, sometimes here and there, we would go. We went to church a little bit.
8:13
Yeah. Wow, that does sound really hard. I imagine that would really put a strain on the relationship. You know, one of the biggest, for worse even is financial stress. And so it’s awesome that you guys put your stress to unify you and bring you closer to God instead of separate you and cause a lot of bickering and fighting amongst the two of you. Yeah, that’s a really great thing. Well, so
8:40
the reason he had gotten fired was because my little boy had gotten really sick. And he had to take off to take him to the doctor. Because like, I don’t drive. So like you. So he, he missed way too much work withdrawn and getting really sick.
8:57
Wow. Oh, my goodness. So that just probably it probably in the moment felt like everything is going wrong. In the midst of the stress of having your son sick. And then yeah,
9:10
especially when you’re just starting out just first starting out, like we had been together. Like, we got married February 5, and he lost his job like, gosh, like shortly after? Like, I’d say February 20. He lost it. Wow.
9:28
Wow. In to then have strain with the inlaws. That just seems like a huge challenge. What What made you decide to be praying and reading your Bible together? What was what was the reason for that?
9:41
Well, we’ve always believed in God, you know, we’ve always we’ve always known that, like he was, he was big on going to church when he was younger. And I was too, so we kind of just it’s like, it’s kind of I guess it’s always been in us, you know, like your parents. teach you and you just we’ve always kind of had a love for God.
10:07
That’s awesome. Wow. Well, would you tell us, you know, throughout your relationship, maybe a wonderful time that you can tell us the story of a kind of came out of this this hard place?
10:20
Yes, when we finally moved back home, like when we finally got to move back in our house, because like, the reason we had to leave was because like, the electricity had gotten shut off and stuff. And anyway, so in, and that’s why we went and moved with them well, like when, when it got turned back on. And when we got our hot water heater fixed and stuff, we were just way more thankful. Like, once you go through something so bad, it just makes you so much more thankful. When you do have those things, you know, yeah, it’s like, people will take certain things for granted, like, you know, like electricity or whatever. Like when you when you don’t have it, and when you do have it viral, you’re just like, Thank you, God, you know.
11:04
I love that point, Valerie. And I just want to say to any of the listeners out there that if financial stress is something that you and your marriage is going through right now, I mean, take it from Valerie, who’s who’s had literally her electricity shut off, and she can’t have gas to go to church and all these things. And yet, after the storm, that’s when you see how beautiful God’s kindnesses and his generosity that he gives these things that we just think are so normal, and we just assume they’re going to always be there. But ultimately, it’s a gift. It’s really God’s kindness that he shares, all all of the things that we enjoy every single day. So I just want to encourage anyone who’s going through financial hardship, you know, there’s really, not only there’s, there’s light at the end of the tunnel, but it might even be a better light than you had before when you thought everything was going well. So, I mean, is that how you kind of take out of this, Valerie, is that? Yeah, yeah, afterwards, it’s even better, because you, you appreciate it more. Right? Yes, ma’am. Because God is amazing. So the moral of the story, right? Yes, that’s so true. Well, um, and so going back into your house? Are you still in that house that you’re talking about now? Yes, we are. Oh, that’s so cool. You know, every single day that it’s really a gift to being able to enjoy where you are and where you live? That’s awesome. Okay, well, would you share with us? What are the three things that you feel have been so important to the success of your marriage?
12:46
Okay, I would say going to church and prayer. Now, that’s a big one. Because like, we go to church together. And when we do, like, it’s just, like, it’s amazing, because we sit there and like, we worship God together, and we sing the songs together and stuff. And then our little boy goes to his church, you know, like, so. I would say that prayer, and you know, like going to church and reading your Bible that’s important. forgiving each other, like when there’s something bad, you, you know, forgiving one another, and always loving each other. Mm hmm.
13:24
And when you say forgiving each other, I love what you said at the beginning as well about saying something kindly, even when you’re hurt. Maybe walk us through a little bit of the process that you go through when you’re forgiving your husband for something, is it immediate? Do you have to cool off first? I mean, what does it kind of look like when you know, in your heart, you need to forgive him?
13:45
I’m still a work in progress. Sometimes. It depends on the situation. You know, like sometimes I can forgive him like immediately, sometimes. Yeah. And then there’s other times that are just like, I just need to walk away for a minute. And just pray like God just helped me. And then I come back to him and I can you know, then then it’s a little bit better.
14:07
So it sounds like one of the biggest things in your life and in your marriage is really praying and asking God to help you forgive or have the strength to love your husband. Would you say that’s something that’s really central to your, your marriage? Yeah.
14:22
Yeah, it is.
14:25
I love that. How did you all find a church together? Was it something that your husband started looking for? Or did you both look together? Or how did that work?
14:35
It was kind of it was me. There was a there’s this church that I went to with my grandma, when I was like, a little bit younger. And I even went there as a kid and didn’t realize it because they changed it and they moved the church over. So yeah, it really good church. So like, I knew some of them. As a kid, that church that I went to they kind of What up, you know, and they went did different things, some of the preachers and stuff.
15:04
Hmm. So when you suggested this to your husband, was he all about it? Or did you have to kind of get him on board with going to church with you?
15:15
He was good with it.
15:17
Yeah, that’s great. That’s great to hear. Okay, well, then what would you suggest? In terms of habits, things that you do every day? Or every, maybe at least every week? Would you suggest to wives that might be struggling in finances or struggling in the ways that you and your marriage has struggled?
15:36
Don’t worry about anything. truly trust God. I know, it’s easier said than done. But like, don’t worry about it. And don’t like think about it, like, maybe go and try to be a blessing to someone else. Say you’re one of your bills was higher than you are used to, and you you’re not sure you could afford it. Instead of sitting there thinking about it all day long. You know, oh, my god, what am I going to do? Go out and try to like change your situation, go get yourself busy, keep yourself busy doing something. Because everyone has something they can give to someone else. Whether it be like a shirt you no longer wear or whatever. And if you have kids, they have tons of stuff that you know, they probably never even play with. Mm hmm. I love that
16:23
so much. Because it’s true. When we get bogged down in our own difficulties. It’s so hard to see, really what we’re blessed with. It’s until we make that shift, like you said, Go and be a blessing to someone else, that all of a sudden, we start realizing, wow, God has blessed me in so many ways that I can even be a blessing to someone else. And like you said, giving giving an old shirt away, giving your kids toys away, maybe making a meal for someone in need. Sending in a quick little text message to a friend that you you know, is hurting, and you’re saying I’m praying for you. I mean, all of those things are going to get you out of your situation. I love the verse that is Philippians, four, six, I think it says do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And I think that just goes back to what you’re saying, Valerie, because it’s really about putting your your situation in perspective. So first of all, like you said, don’t worry about anything. But then give it to God, pray and petition God. And then with thanksgiving. I think that’s so important, the Thanksgiving part because your perspective changes a little bit when you start to say, Lord, thank you so much for my family, for the health that I have in my body. Thank you so much for this life that you’ve given me, thank you so much for the weather, thank you so much that I get to walk outside and I’m healthy and free and safe. And it starts to change your perspective on like, oh, gosh, this bill is such a big worry, you know. All right. So I just love that I think that is so true. If you’re comfortable, would you be willing to share a little bit like a tip about intimacy that you’ve learned throughout your, your marriage that has been helpful for you or something you wish maybe your mom let you in on earlier or something along those lines.
18:20
People have fantasies, like of what they think that their, their sex life should be like, you know, like, Yeah, but when you’re married, sometimes it’s not. Like exactly like that. Like, sometimes it’s like, I’m trying to think it’s more like, connecting, you know what I’m saying? Like, connecting with that person other than like the bread hot passionate stuff, you know what I’m saying? Like, really?
18:48
Yeah, movies lead us to believe is the only way you really should be making love or whatever. I completely agree.
18:56
was like so much passion. And so you know, understand, you know, because things happen and you get tired and you get older and so yeah,
19:05
you have babies
19:06
and yeah.
19:08
So basically, it sounds like you’re saying with the expectation of what we see in the movies, essentially, when you realize that even just a true connection and an intimate way is, is worthwhile in your marriage. It’s still worth it to go for that. Is that, is that kind of what you’re saying? Yeah. I love that. And I think that’s so true. And I think any wife out there, you know, if you’re struggling with is, is my intimacy good enough, or is it hot enough or all these things you know, in the Bible, it really talks about that unity that that becoming one flesh and that’s a that’s a consistent me that just needs to keep keep happening, whether whether it looks like what your kind of fantasy was or not go for it and make sure you’re honoring your marriage in that way. I would just encourage Marriage. So, with your marriage and how it’s been and the challenges you’ve had and the successes you’ve had, have you been able to see different opportunities that God, either either serving God helping other people or serving God in your own heart? Or have you noticed that because of your marriage, you’ve been able to see God work in your life in certain ways?
20:24
Yes, yes, ma’am. Before I met Michael, we weren’t like, I wasn’t able to do a lot of stuff. Like, you know, we’re able to go on vacations, and you know, what I’m saying, and there’s just like, so much that he’s brought to our life to me and my little boy, just being there, like, we’re able to do things, you know, we’re able to be a blessing to other people, you know, like, we’re able to give to others, you know, because we have extra to give, you know,
20:52
and so when you say, specifically, could you give us maybe a story of how you’ve been able to give to others.
21:00
Um, like, I have more clothes now. Like, if I have extra clothes, I can give them away, or my father, like, sometimes I can help them out with something, you know, like, sometimes I can go and buy the mill or something, you know, because as to before, I was able to, because I didn’t really have a job or anything, you know, and it was hard to keep one.
21:26
Yeah. I just love that Valerie, that your your struggle, this area that was actually really challenging for you and your marriage that you prayed through, you believed God through. And then here, six ish years later, or maybe less than that. That’s the very thing that you see that God has blessed you so much, that you can bless others. I think that’s just so amazing. Because there’s so many different ways of blessing people, you know, but you specifically have noticed that you’re able to bless people in even in a financial way. And that was the very thing that you had to believe God for, even in the smallest ways here a couple of years ago. So really be encouraged listening, that God can move, even in that really difficult struggle that maybe that’s what God wants to teach you to appreciate. So then a couple of years or even less, maybe down the road, God’s gonna be blessing us so that you can really be a blessing to others and know what it feels like to be on the other end. That’s just awesome. You did mention a book that you really love in the beginning. And if it’s the same book feel free, but is there a book or a program or a resource that you could recommend for wives that are in similar situations that you’ve been in? Or, or even just now?
22:42
Okay, there was the becoming a happy wife, by Arlene pelicans. And then there’s this one. That’s the power of a praying life. And that’s my stormy mark, team.
22:56
Okay. I’ll have that in the show notes both of those books. So is, is there a reason that you would suggest the second, the second book, The Praying wife book?
23:07
Well, yeah, yeah. Because like, When you pray for your husband, like, say, there’s certain areas that you want him to change, and ultimately, we can’t change anybody. You know, only God can. Yeah. So there’s, there’s prayers in there. And there’s this one that I like, and it says, Lord, fill my husband with the fear of the Lord, and give him wisdom for every decision he makes. May he reverence you in your ways in sync to know your truth? Give him discernment to make good decisions based upon your revelation help him to make godly choices, and keep him from doing anything foolish. Take foolishness out of his heart and enable him to quickly recognize air and avoid it opened his eyes to clearly see the consequences of any anticipated behavior. And it has Proverbs, it says, Proverbs 1912. Give them strength to jerk the Council of ungodly men and hair, your council above all others. I declare that although there are many plans in a man’s heart, nevertheless the Lord’s counsel will stand, instruct him even as he’s sleeping in in the morning, I pray he will do what’s right rather than fall Wings of his own flesh. It’s basically you know, just a book of prayers that you can pray for your husband. Because when you pray for someone, you know, God, God is with them. God will help them to be better or to or maybe they’re struggling with something like, you know, like I said, maybe a bill, maybe fear of getting the bills paid. Or maybe they’re having a hard time at work like if you pray for your husband, and you can help him in more ways than if you don’t pray for him. Like God will work for you and help anymore I think yeah,
25:01
yeah, that’s awesome. That is just, it’s so good. And it gives you an understanding that you’re not in this alone, that the God of the universe is with you. And you can call on his name and he can listen. And he, like you said, Valerie, I love that is that you can’t change your husband. But God can change your husband. He can provide situations, he can provide friends and people to speak into his life that might change his heart. And ultimately, you know, God knocks on the door he doesn’t barge in, it is still a choice of your husband is still an act of the will. But God really is the person that softens hearts. You know, it says in the Bible, that he’s the one that softens hearts of stone into hearts of flesh. You know, and I’ve seen that time and time again, even in my own marriage that God has answered a very specific prayer. And I’ll just share something in my own marriage when when my wife and I were dating. Are you familiar with the person The Purpose Driven Life? Valerie, have you heard that one? Yeah. So a couple years back, it was a it was really, really popular. And it’s a great book, I definitely suggest it. So I was, I brought it home. And I brought it to my boyfriend at the time. And I asked him if we could read this every day. It’s like a devotional. And he gave me this look. And he just said, you know, I don’t really know if I believe in God. And I was just so disappointed. And kind of like, my heart just sunk within me that that that was his response to this was early in our dating relationship. And I just started praying, you know, and I prayed for him. And slowly, I was able to see God just change his heart. And I guess it was probably a year after that time. So it was probably the next summer we were still dating. And he brought me home a book that a friend from work gave him his first not English. So it’s it was in his specific language. And he shipped to me, and it was by the exact same author, The Purpose Driven Life in Spanish.
27:14
So Oh, my God. And he,
27:16
he was so excited to read this book. And I was like, Lord, you have just done something marvelous.
27:23
Right? Yeah. Yep.
27:26
So it’s just so true. I just love what you said about I mean, prayer work, works in that. And he’s, he’s a faithful God, and he wants to do those very same prayers in your marriage and in your husband. So do be praying for your husband. And I think that’s a wonderful resource. I really appreciate you sharing that. My last question, Valerie, you could go back to the first year of your marriage. What is one piece of advice that you wish you could have given you?
27:58
Be patient, it won’t be like this for long.
28:07
And are you talking about specific Lu struggle that you shared? Or in general? Or how would you apply that?
28:14
Yes. Well, because when we first got married, you know, my little boy was like, so sick, and he lost his job. And, you know, just, just just, I would, I would trust God, because like, there was a miracle that happened, like, my little boy at that time, he was outgrowing everything, you know, and in the shoes had holes in them. And well, I got child support. I got my first child support, and I’ve been trying to get it since small little boy was born. And I went and we bought Johnny shoes. Like, we bought him like three pairs of shoes and like five outfits. So it was like, totally God, you know? Like that. He’ll help you. Yeah, he’ll provide what you mean.
29:02
Yeah, that’s awesome. That’s awesome to just trust God in the myths to be patient. It’s not going to be like this forever.
29:09
Gives me him.
29:12
That’s awesome. That’s awesome. Well, would you be comfortable if we set a pray for the listeners about finances? Sure. I
29:22
would love that.
29:24
Would you Okay, would you? Would you go ahead and do that.
29:28
Okay. Dear God, please be with the listeners of this radio Lord and help for them to just be healed financially and to just sell them and help for them to wait patiently and draw closer to you in this time and, and not think about their problems so much and try to bless other people because everyone can, even if you don’t have much, and just be with them God and bless them and give them what they need. Boy, in Jesus name we pray.
30:04
Amen. Valerie, thank you so much. This has just been really fun and to hear your story and to really just dive into what God has done in your marriage and in your life, I hope and I know that so many listeners are going to be really encouraged by your story. So I just want to thank you so much for sharing so openly with us.
30:28
No problem. Thank you for allowing me.
30:32
Valerie, thank you, girl, this was awesome. It was so good to hear how you have stuck with God in the midst of really challenging situations. I hope that’s really encouraged you, dear listener, because you know, God is there. He’s with you in the midst of your financial struggles, and he cares in the midst of your struggles, he cares. I just want to encourage you today, if you haven’t spent some time with the Lord, I would love for you to do that. Maybe as I’m ending here, just spend some time with him. And secondly, I want to just mention that I am going to have that webinar, where I’d love to give you some more specifics on the areas that we talked about in episode 14. So please come back for that go to delight your marriage.com/fourteen and sign up there space is limited till a girlfriend if she you know if you have a friend that is interested in knowing more about sex in her marriage and how to make it wonderful. I’d love for the both of you to come just to clarify, it’s a free webinar. And it’s actually super simple. So if you’ve never done a webinar before, it’s really quick. You just have to basically put your email in and on the time that it says on delight your marriage.com/fourteen you will be given the time and the day. So I hope if this is your first webinar, I’d love to have you there. Thanks a lot. God bless you. We’ll talk soon.
31:54
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion