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Hi there! Belah here. Today I have Part II of my interview with founder of Covenant Spice. She talks about how she and her husband has made their marriage a priority, right after God and even before their children. Listen as she shares about the importance of resolving problems when they are still at the beginning stages, growing connection with your husband, and knowing each other’s limits. She tells us a refreshing story about just having fun with your hubby and how her business has served as their ministry that reaches out to others who struggle with the same intimacy issues.

Check out Part I at delightyourmarriage.com/25

Shop at the adult toy store HERE.

If you do decide to make a purchase, I’d suggest having a budget around $50 at least. Only because the cheaper toys aren’t as resilient and I would hate for your first try with adult toys to be a poor one! A bit pricier, but here’s one that was recommended to me!

  • A vibrator you may want to try out: “We-Vibe Touch” at Covenant Spice

leancanva2You’ll Discover:

  • How prioritizing your marriage makes a difference
  • That it’s okay to admit that you need help in your marriage
  • That the best gift you can give your children is for them to see you and your husband happy and in love with each other
  • That there are three things central to their marriage: fixing problems when they are still small, growing in intimacy, and knowing each other’s limits
  • That as the years go by, both you and your partner learn different lessons
  • How it’s better to work things out rather than wait until the marriage crumbles

 

Resources Mentioned:

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Tweetables:

  • Marriage is forever.
  • Work out small issues and don’t be afraid of it. Don’t wait for your marriage to crumble.
  • I feel blessed to be married to my best friend.
  • You both fell in love with each other. You both saw something you that you loved in each other. It does take two people to fix something, but you can fix your half.
  • You can make sure that what you are responsible for is glorifying God and that you’re somebody who is wonderful to come home to.
  • You can produce an atmosphere in your marriage that is conducive for change.
  • For somebody to respect you, you must be a person who respects himself as well.
  • Feeling my husband love me for who I am and what I am unconditionally gives me a better picture of God as a Father and what that means.

 

Thanks for listening! I hope you are encouraged to live in wholehearted intimacy!

 

Love,

Belah

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Transcript

0:00
delight your marriage episode 26.

0:04
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast, the show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah rose.

0:22
Hey there, welcome back. This is belah rose. And I just want to thank you for joining me, this is your first time it’s delight your marriage podcast, where we interview wives and intimacy experts. And I also have a very special message to share with anyone who has listened to dy M for a while or is interested in hearing more of the vision behind it. I actually felt like God wanted me to record it. And so I spent some time the other day making the audio. And I actually didn’t listen to it afterwards, because I got too scared. And so it’s just raw, I didn’t edit it or anything, and I uploaded it. It’s on delight your marriage.com/vision. And it’s just really my heart. It’s where I come from, it’s a little bit of my credentials, and also, where I think I’m, you know, hoping to kind of guide this whole project in business and pursuit, hoping that God is going to use it in a really powerful way. And I’d love love to let you in on what I think God is saying. So that is delight your marriage.com/vision. Now, if you didn’t get a chance to listen to the first half of this really great episode, with Leila, she actually does the first part in Episode 25. And so I’d love for you to listen to that. Also, today, she’s going to go deeper into this whole topic on sex toys and intimacy. And she even gives some great tips, just practical tips. And the more you hear about her family and her life, you’re just going to fall in love with just the way she does and works in it. And I’m excited for you to hear the second half I think is going to be great. Let’s dive in. Now, I want to ask you, how now I know you talked about some things that you know, shifted in your mind and in your marriage, I mean, can you tell us just how your marriage is now and how, you know, you kind of look back from the before and after. So someone can have an idea of this might be where they’re starting from, but they can get to a really great place.

2:50
Well, you know, as much as I had some hangups, from the way I was raised, one thing I was blessed with was that marriage is forever, and you find that partner, that’s God’s choice for the rest of your life, you stick together, and you make that man number one, after God before your children before anything else, and you make that a priority. And that part has been a blessing. I feel like my husband and I have really been blessed with both knowing that our marriage is is the top priority in our life, you know, above right below God. And that, that is pretty much I mean, we’ve had to learn different lessons. As the years have gone by, and we’ve gone to counseling, probably three times I’ve seen so many of my friends, marriages end in divorce and everything. But that was one thing I decided. Because I would always you know, why don’t you guys get counseling? Why don’t you do this, and nobody would do anything that would fall apart. It’s so frustrating. So my husband I committed if one of us ever feels frustrated, we’re not waiting till our marriage is at a bad place. We’re just gonna go and talk to somebody and work out the small issues, you know, and not be ashamed of it or anything. So in our, probably the first five years of marriage, we went to, like I said, counseling about three different times. And it was awesome. It was basically just us talking out loud to each other somewhere and the person listening and then you just realize as you’re working it out with it, what the issues are. So just being willing to admit we need help figuring something out or you have questions and I just I feel blessed to be married truly to my to my best friend. I feel like my husband. I just have a really fantastic relationship. And I think the main reason is because of keeping that relationship more important than jobs, kids, sports, anything else.

4:59
That’s awesome. That’s, that’s brilliant. And it’s good that you say, the priority before kids, sports activities, anything else that’s very important because I think sometimes women especially they think that their kids need to come first. Why is that they you say the opposite.

5:20
I believe that that’s the best gift that you can give your your children. In fact, I have a funny note, when you adopt kids and they’re at older ages, when they come into your family, there can be some pretty rough transition periods for a while. And I have a note that one of my children wrote to the other ones, and it said, Dear such and such I hate you, PS, Mama dad love each other so much. And I have nothing to do with anything. But you know, that’s just, they just know that we’re crazy about each other. And I don’t think I mean, they see their friends. In fact, my daughter was telling me the other day that she only has one friend that’s from a two parent, intact marriage, when that’s a tragedy, you know, and I think that that’s the best gift. Knowing that we’re happy with each other, that we’re content, our families are going to be strong and together, you can’t give your kids a better gift. And I think it’s a fallacy to put your husband or wife lower down the priority because you’re too busy at work or you have too much with the kids or you have to anything else because if that falls apart, then you really shaken their foundation.

6:29
That’s brilliant. That’s just so good. Lael, I literally just got goosebumps. Thank you. I, I I just so agree. So there’s a couple points I want to bring out. I mean, it’s interesting, the best gift you can give your kids is to love your your husband or your wife. Yeah. And I think that’s so good. Because even literally last night, I was, you know, frustrated. I’ve got two little two babies under under two, actually. Oh, my gosh, yeah. So it’s kind of crazy sometimes. But, you know, it’s such a blessing as well, you obviously know, the the situation of little kids, you know, close in age. But, um, but so I was I was impatient with them last night, and my husband came home from work, He works nights, and I just, you know, was tearing up telling him about how I was impatient and how I, you know, wasn’t I didn’t give these frustrations to God, I just was, I was just not kind of in the zone. And, and he was kind to me, he was very generous, and, you know, said, I’m good mother, and just kind of assured me, but he also, you know, challenged me of like, you know, we’ve been through this, and you really want to be attentive to your kids? And how can I help you kind of think of this? Or how can I support you and, and literally, I can be a better mother because I have a good relationship with my husband. You know, I mean, golly, it’s just, you don’t have to be in your marriage. And in a, you don’t have to be a parent, by yourself, you’re coupled with someone in God’s design on purpose. So you can be vulnerable and be like, shoot, I messed up with the kids, how can I fix this? Or why not new to motherhood? So you definitely know that dynamic?

8:04
Well, and another thing I’ve had so many people say is like, No, you know, this is from the wise point of view, but like, he won’t go to counseling, or he, he he, and the thing is, is you both fell in love with each other, you both saw something that you loved about each other. And if you’re at a bad place, you’re probably both miserable. It’s not just usually one person, you know. And so don’t use that as an excuse, do whatever you have to do, even if you go to counseling by yourself, or you read books, and you know, it does take two people to fix something, but you can fix your house, you know, and you know, you can be the, you know, you can look out for those sarcastic attitudes are always looking at the negative or putting the worst spin on things, you know, and you can make sure that what you are responsible for is glorifying to God, and that you’re somebody who’s wonderful to come home to whether your husband, you know, hopefully he will go will participate, but you can produce the atmosphere that’s very conducive to change.

9:04
Yes, yes. And I think those especially those, you know, wives, that their husbands are not Christian, it’s pastor something brilliant. He said, being a Christian should be the best thing that ever happened to your husband.

9:16
Yeah, yes, exactly. Yeah,

9:20
because we have the Holy Spirit inside of us the power to forgive an offense to the power to be proactive in our kindness to to go and take the first step to turn the other cheek. And he should feel so much more love since that we have Jesus’s left within us. What are you gonna

9:36
Yes, well, and just to balance that out. I don’t want to sound like I think that the wife has to be the one that’s all makes all the sacrifices that was speaking things I have to change from my upbringing. I was definitely raised very strong with you know, submission and your husband is you know, you treat him like the Lord of your life and all that. And that was something we totally My husband didn’t want a wife anything like that he wanted somebody who would speak her mind, who would be honest with stand up for herself. And, you know, you there either extreme can lead to an unhappy marriage, you know. And so if you’re being mistreated very lovingly, and gently stand up for yourself, don’t tolerate that, because you’re a helped me, you know, you’re not a doormat, and so you can just, I believe that. For somebody to respect you, you have to be a person that respects yourself as well, you know, and so, you know, just make sure it’s balanced.

10:38
Yes. And I’m just so glad that you brought that up, because I think that is very true. And that’s probably in terms of which extreme, you kind of need to evaluate your own marriage and decide is this is this, are we on equal footing here is Am I being respected in the marriage? You know, those relationships? I mean, those dynamics definitely need to be identified. And it’s interesting, when you were talking about how you make sure that your products are not linked to people that support pornography and that kind of thing. Are you familiar with no more? Have you heard of that

11:09
yet? I can’t say that I am. No, no,

11:13
that’s totally fine. It’s a new thing. But it’s actually interesting yesterday was International Women’s Day. And that’s kind of an event to really encourage the ending of sexual abuse

11:23
and sexual trafficking as well. Exactly, yep.

11:27
And so no more is a recent campaign or my friends involved with it. That’s why I’m very familiar with it. But it’s a recent campaign to help in sexual abuse in relationships, because it’s just such a common common thing. Yesterday, my church actually did a little meeting, to kind of talk about this, no more campaign, and just to talk about how abuse might be happening in relationships that you might know about, and how you can kind of encourage victims to maybe stand up for themselves, and or the abusers to stop that behavior. And it’s interesting, there’s a couple lists, I’ll link to it in the show notes, because there was some lists of abuse. So there was like economic abuse, emotional abuse, and then physical abuse. And a lot of times abuse, we think it’s just physical. And we think of physical abuse often is just when they lay hands on you, but even you know, throwing things or, you know, banging on Wall slamming doors, that’s also emotional abuse, things like withholding affection, is abuse and isolation from friends and family is abuse. And it’s interesting. It wasn’t until yesterday, literally, that I read that list that I talked about in another podcast, but I was married previously, and I literally experienced nine out of 10 of those abuses, and I never named it as abuse, I, I would never have called it abuse. And I really encourage anyone who’s listening to just just go right ahead and and just learn a little bit more about abuse, because I know it’s hard to call, maybe your husband or wife and abuser. And I understand that that’s a very dynamic term. But the nice thing about having a dynamic term like that, and recognizing something as abuse, is that you take it seriously and you start to realize changes need to be made. And so I love that you mentioned that, Lael, because you’re right. I mean, there’s very frequently in marriages, if abuse is going on, you know, the woman thinks that she needs to submit or she needs to, you know, go learn, and, you know, I have a book called delight your husband, and I would never want someone to read that book, and think, you know, they need to do you know, 150% when their husband is kind of forcing, you know, you’re not, you shouldn’t you shouldn’t be forced in that kind of a way, it really should come out of the outpouring of your heart to serve and to serve,

13:45
you know, a really excellent book on that is boundaries in marriage. Yes. And it gives just a really nice, because it’s not even always just abuse. It’s even just ways that we prevent having resentment in our heart, because we’re acting the same way we would have boundaries for our children. It can keep us from having resentful attitudes or bad attitudes, because we’ve acted in a way that maintains our, our own self respect and boundaries.

14:18
Yeah. Mm hmm. Yeah, I’m so glad that you mentioned that I love the boundary series, brilliant books, and you’re so right. And if you have been subjected to abuse in the past, for example, I kind of grew up in some some negative patterns. It’s very easy for you to have that same pattern in your marriage, without even realizing it, you think it’s normal and so on about bad boundaries, like you said, it might, it might just be bad boundaries. And if you have, you know, had these negative kind of, you feel like you know, someone’s kind of stepping on your toes, but you don’t know why. And there’s just this level of discomfort. Those kinds of books are going to really give you a lot of insight into How to okay, this is what’s mine. This is what’s yours? I can say no and feel okay with saying no. Which is a huge point. Yeah, probably a whole nother episode on that. But I wanted to also preach to your point about counseling. You mentioned that you, you all did that a couple of times. And I think that’s brilliant. Because I think a lot of times we think, Okay, well, that costs money. And so I don’t want to, you know, that we just don’t have that in the budget. That’s just not something we can afford right now. How were you able to prioritize that. And even in your budget,

15:32
I think, again, keep comes back to that your marriage is the number one priority. So if you don’t, if you have to cancel a session of your kids sports, or you have to cancel the gym membership, or you do what it takes to keep the relationship healthy. And nobody say you have to go to counseling for five years or something, I think each time we went, we went two or three times. And it was just here’s an issue, we keep crashing our heads up against, you know, so how can we fix this so that we can not do that in the future. And then moving on, you know, I mean, it wasn’t, it doesn’t have to be like, my marriage is on the rocks, it’s the end, it’s my last ditch thing, it’s going to be a lot harder for counseling, you should still do it, but a lot harder work then better to go. When you just keep, you know, don’t go to your girl. I mean, you know, girlfriends are awesome, I have a really close group of friends. But, you know, going in bad mouthing, your spouse, and everything is not going to be helpful. It’s better to get some some positive action advice.

16:37
Yes. And I love that. And if and if a listener doesn’t know quite where to go with that, I’m going to have some resources linked up on the show notes. But one in particular, it’s a past guest JD from Episode two and three, and he’s a marital intimacy coach. So I mean, there’s at least one resource that you can kind of reach out to to learn more, but I just so agree that that’s something that should be absolutely prioritize, because like you said, I mean, marriage as a good marriage exponentially increases your effectiveness in every area. I mean, it’s better for your job. It’s better for your kids better for your your extended family, church, better free community. I mean, yeah, I just, I just I just love that point. So I want to kind of move to ask you about the three things that you think have been central to your marital success so far, if you can kind of dumb them down?

17:23
Well, I was asking my husband about that this morning. I’m like, what, three things. And you know, one, one was jumping on problems when they’re small, getting help not letting them fester. Growing in intimacy was another and then one thing that’s been big for us is knowing each other’s limits and not trying to push more. Just knowing your spouse is what they can handle, like we moved many years ago, and I had a list for my husband to do, I would needed to get the house shipshape, and I just like, put so much pressure on him. And it was a horrible time in our marriage. We were just fighting constantly and everything. And so we recently moved about four months ago. And it was a completely different experience. Because this time, I was able to remember how to bend the last time and to know what is, you know, it’s better to pay somebody to do those things, you know, you know, on a weekend, I could, you know, help for this much to get done. But he has a full time job. And you know, and he does the same for me when I feel like I’m just going to scream because I’m so frustrated with the children or something like that. He doesn’t. And so jumping on me about it. He’s like, you know, here’s your book, go take a bath. I’ve got you covered or whatever, but just really watching for each other’s not pushing each other’s buttons and knowing their limits and not trying to force them to, to go past that.

19:01
Yes. Oh, I just love that insight. So it was jumping on problems when they’re small. Number two growing in intimacy. And number three, knowing each other’s limits. That’s, yeah, brilliant. I love that. And I know we’ve talked about intimacy quite a lot already. But if you’re comfortable, would you share a tip that you know, someone as a as a wife could even implement tonight? For example? Would you go ahead with that?

19:24
Um, sure, send start by sending your husband a text, telling them that you’re, you know, you’re looking for something mildly erotic that he knows what you’re talking about, and that you’re looking forward to that tonight or something and then just, you know, forget about your hang ups and throw on something cute and sexy and come on to him. And you know, be the initiator and just have just have fun, just do something that you’re always too embarrassed or too shy or too worried about and just go for it.

20:00
Yeah, that’s awesome. I love it. Yeah, do something, do something fun, spice it up. I love that. And it’s funny when you do those extra over and beyond intimacy gestures, you know, where you just make it just a feast for him. The next time is just so much more fun and enjoyable, even if it’s even if it’s, you know, maybe the status quo the next time. It’s just a new thing. It’s a new zest that you want to just infuse your marriage with all the time. Why not? Great love life? I mean, come on. Exactly. Yeah, brilliant. So then due to the specific marriage that you’ve had, what opportunities have you had to serve God or get to know God better?

20:46
I would believe the serving God part would be I really consider my business to be a ministry. And so I believe that the hurdles that we’ve overcome, have allowed us to reach out to others who are struggling with the same issues, and then I’m just saying, feeling God’s love. You know, as I mentioned, I grew up in a very legalistic and judgmental background, and being loved by my husband, for who I am, and how I am and unconditionally and just feeling special and chosen and loved, has given me a better picture of God as a, you know, as a father, and in that relationship. What that means, you know, yeah, you know, how he views me?

21:39
Oh, that’s just so wonderful. I completely agree. You know, sometimes even the love of your own father, if it was kind of missing in your, in your your youth really heal a lot of that, that hurt and that pain? Mm hmm. Oh, that’s just so good. Yeah. And it’s interesting how the sexual relationship can provide a bridge between you and your husband, that you’re meeting his needs in a very serious way. And then he also has that kind of freed up affection that he now wants to just pour all over you in the ways that you need. And it’s, you know, it’s also individual for specific marriages, sometimes, you know, it’s the higher driveway for vice versa, or whatever, but, but I found definitely, in my experience, that when I’m able to really enjoy the sexual experience, our connection in the other areas that are most important to my heart, are so much better. Right, conversations are so much deeper and more fulfilling for me, and he’s so much more engaged. Because, you know, he is much more fulfilled in his affection. So, yes, wonderful, wonderful. No, is there? We’ve talked about a couple books, a couple of resources, but is there a specific book or program that you would recommend for the listeners?

22:54
Yeah, it would be a website, actually. Which is the marriage bed? Yep. And calm tons of articles, resources, forums, questions, answers. So I would totally recommend the marriage bed.com. Yeah, that’s awesome.

23:12
I’m really trying to get them on for an interview. So hopefully, this will encourage.

23:16
Yeah, yeah, they’re fantastic. And then, you know, you can really Google person intimacy and marriage. And there actually are just so many books. I mean, there’s sheet music, there’s, there’s, there’s really too many for me to Yeah, then to pop into my head right now. No, no, that’s, that’s yeah.

23:40
Yeah, and I’m definitely going to have all this linked up in the show notes, so that, you know, just go to delight your marriage calm and click on this episode, you’ll be able to see each of these resources listed. So I definitely appreciate that. And the marriage bed is a great, great resource for sure. Now, also, specifically on your website, I know you mentioned you know, what is the one product that you said that you often advise to wives, if they’re just wanting to kind of dip their toe into adult toys and products? What would what would you suggest

24:07
it’s really a category and it’s eggs and bullets, which just refers to something that shaped like an egg but much smaller, and it’s just placed on the woman’s clitoris during intercourse. It’s very unobtrusive. It’s almost like it’s not there. It provides a pleasurable vibration to both the woman and the husband. And, and it’s enough to just take you if you’re having trouble having an orgasm to take you over the edge. And but you know, the other thing is we don’t carry anything that actually looks like body parts. So they’re just cylinders or whatever. So there’s nothing you’re just going to pull out like oh my gosh, yeah. So but yeah, it would. Our number one top seller is something called the inner desire egg, which is just a simple pick pink. Um, you know, a toy, but anything under that category of eggs and bullets makes a great first purchase. Oh, and it’s also our most inexpensive items as well.

25:11
Oh, perfect. Yeah. So you can just kind of see see what it’s like and exactly not have to sell your arm to try to invest in Yeah, exactly. Just something to kind of see how it how it’s gonna work. That’s right. Yeah, I just I’m so grateful for the the advice. Oh, you know what, before I do that, I want to ask you, if you could sit yourself down for the first year of your marriage, if you could go back to your one of your marriage, and you could sit yourself down? What would be one piece of advice that you would give to you

25:39
to a year ago?

25:42
For the first year of your marriage? Like, if you could kind of go back to your one? What would your advice be to yourself?

25:50
Hmm, I read that question. Earlier as a year ago, so my husband and I were talking about the move thing. So NAFTA think again, as

25:57
Oh, well, you know, what, if you’d like to give both, that’s okay.

26:02
I’m trying to think I’m, I just as the best, the best thing I can give to my children to the world or to anything is to, to keep our marriage number one, to not get frustrated or resentful, but to you know, just to keep an open heart and to get to know each other better to grow to get help, and that it’s going to result in just a beautiful friendship and a beautiful relationship. And, you know, together, we’re gonna be able to make an impact on our, our family and the people around us through the time that we put into the relationship with each other.

26:45
Yeah, yeah. I love that. I love that. And it’s been a wonderful theme throughout. And you can tell just your kids saying that. But mom and dad love each other. I mean, you’re so right. I mean, that’s such a safety point for kids that it’s just, it’s just so good that no matter what mom and dad are gonna stick it out. Just so beautiful. Um, but I am interested, you piqued my interest. What did you prepare for the year ago?

27:12
Oh, when I had asked my husband this morning, that’s when he brought up about when we had moved. And he had said, this time we moved and I wasn’t stressed. hardly at all. You didn’t push me you didn’t you know, anything you really learned from the last time that we move that much more difficult for him just changes and things like that. So he was like, he’s so much appreciated, learning to respect what his limits were and be willing to reside within those. So. Wow. Yeah,

27:43
I love that. Well, it’s funny, literally next week, I am moving. So I will take that. Very stressful. You’re sorry. It’s true. Um, but yeah, yeah. To not to not push just to stay calm. And I also love that, you know, the insight. Tell me again, how many years you’ve been married with your husband? 1616. So after 16 years, you’re still considering how you’re learning how you’re growing? How dynamics are shifting in your marriage, and it’s an ongoing process and you exhibit that so? Well, you Lael,

28:15
you know, my husband, I’ve had a date, almost every week from the day we were married. Just spending time together. And we tried to keep a marriage book on CD in the van and listen to you know, whatever it may be and read different books together and things so

28:34
Oh, wow. That’s so great. Oh, I just love it. I know that you’ve given wife so much inspiration and and excitement about the marriage and marriage bed. Where can our audience find you and connect with you online?

28:48
It is just covenant spice calm and our you can just remember by adding spice to your marriage covenant. So covenant spice, and if your readers use the code delight, de li ght they’ll have free shipping on their orders this week.

29:04
Oh, wow. Thank you so much for that. That’s a great gift. I didn’t even know I appreciate that. Cool. So yeah, please check that out. Covenant spice calm and like I said, it’ll all be linked in the show notes with the the code that she mentioned delight. So so you can go there. Yeah, this week. Perfect. Well, it’s been awesome. Lael, thank you so much for sharing your heart and being so open with our audience. I just so appreciate your time.

29:29
And Oh, my pleasure. Thank you.

29:31
Absolutely. Okay. Well, we’ll talk to you soon, Leo. Okay, thank you. So great, such great advice and wisdom. And it’s so nice when I heard a woman preacher say this the other day that maybe you have been kind of put under quote unquote bondage by certain things that you’ve learned or heard over the years and things that you thought were true or things that you thought were even biblical that really just didn’t seem to be now that you’ve seen it as an adult or something. And I like this woman’s analogy of kind of just taking off that bondage, just layer by layer and unveiling what’s really going on. So I hope that, you know, it’s a kind of a spicier, maybe more taboo topic, but I hope that things have been revealed to you a little bit more clearly. And a little bit more of what God’s heart is for your intimacy, and it can be a lot of fun and just goofy and silly and you know, all the things that God wants and made it to be so. Yeah, have fun tonight. Just go for it and do something silly. Why not? I’m excited. I’ll talk to you again on Tuesday. God bless you. I love you, and we’ll talk soon.

30:54
Thanks for listening. Stop by delight your marriage.com to check out all the show notes, as well as many more resources and articles. Until next time, live with love, wisdom impassion

 

 

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