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Hi there! Belah here. Today is Part II of my interview with Shae Bynes of aholythreesome.com and the Kingdom Driven Entrepreneur podcast. In this episode, Shae dives deeper into how communication with the Lord and with each other positively affects the marriage. She tells of her story, on how God talks to her and helps her get through everyday challenges, especially those that concern her marriage. Shae delivers such inspiring wisdom that we could all use in delighting our own marriages. Listen in as she gives valuable tips on how to enrich your sexual intimacy and shares the practices she has been doing with her husband that have made their marriage sweeter and sweeter each year.
Check out Part I at delightyourmarriage.com/37
Join me on my next webinar “Make Him Wild For You: The 5 Secrets To Receive Love & Passion In God’s Plan” delightyourmarriage.com/
Scripture/Quote:
“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” Hebrews 13:4
“The greatest among you will be your servant.” Matthew 23:11
“Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name.” Psalm 100:4
“Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.” Galatians 6:8
“Now about the gifts of the Spirit, brothers and sisters, I do not want you to be uninformed.” 1 Corinthians 12:1
“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:12
“We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise.” 2 Corinthians 10:12
“This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike ‘What’s next, Papa?’” Romans 8:15 MSG
You’ll Discover:
- How Shae has become even more open to the subtle messages that God sends her every day, helping her keep her marriage intact
- The three chief ingredients Shae believes is central to her marriage
- How God communicates to each of us in different ways
- That the Lord has a major role in the sexual intimacy that you and your husband share
- How it’s important to know that walking with God is a daily thing, a journey of a lifetime
Books & Resources Mentioned:
Delight Your Husband by Belah Rose
Sacred Pathways: Discover Your Soul’s Path to God by Gary L. Thomas
The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary D. Chapman
Ménage à Trois, the official website of the book with the same name
Ménage à Trois: You, Your Spouse, and the Lover of Your Soul by Phil and Shae Bynes
Shae Bynes’s personal website
The Kingdom Driven Entrepreneur website and podcast
Tweetables:
- When we model His love with our spouse, in and outside of the bedroom, we experience his best.
- If the Holy Spirit lives within us, then we’re never without Him.
- We have to focus on our own relationship with him. We can’t stand in judgment of how someone else relates or communicates to the Lord.
- If you can’t ever have tough conversations, then you’re both probably living a lie because tough stuff happens.
- If everything is just perfect, just lovely, then you’re just like two time bombs waiting to blow up.
Thanks for listening! I hope you are encouraged to live in wholehearted intimacy!
Love,
Belah
—
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Transcript
0:00
delight your marriage episode 38.
0:04
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast, the show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah rose.
0:21
Hello, there, this is belah rose. And I’m really grateful that you’re here today. I hope you’re having a great day, honestly, that this is just getting an extra pep in your step to talk about marriage and have a fun time with me and Shay is on today. And now let us just jump into Shea’s interview the rest of it, she’s super fun, and has got a lot of great insight and wisdom to share with us. And yeah, I’d love for you to listen. I’ll talk to you on the other side how does sex teach us about God? How is God like intimately involved in sex?
1:06
Yeah, so Well, he’s not unless you invite them. Okay. Yeah, yeah, it’s kind of like you have to invite Him in your, you invite Him in your, into your, into your affairs, right. Okay. But yeah, so we learn a lot. Because if we if we actually learn about how God loves, right, and how he loves, and we learn, and we learn from him, and how he loves, and a lot of that is related to how we serve, right? When we model His love with our spouse, in and outside of the bedroom, we experience his best. And that’s you don’t deal with situations like well, this person is pleased and this person is not pleased. Because really, if you’ve got two servant hearts, you’re guaranteed a victory. Right? In our house, we’re all boys like we’re in a competition to see who’s going to be the greatest in the home, you know, who’s gonna be the greatest here. So we’re always looking to give each other the advantage in the bedroom it outside of the bedroom, and we’re looking to give the other person the advantage that we’ve all won. Yeah, yeah. Right.
2:11
I like that. Because I even thinks about the the verse, the person that’s the greatest in the kingdom of God is actually a servant of all service. Very cool. Exactly.
2:20
So you know, I mean, so that’s just like one example. But I mean, there’s other things. Yes. So there’s a lot of things like people will often use this scripture that talks about, you know, the bedroom, the bed undefiled. And, and they’ll talk about, yeah, how based basically use that as a basis of the basis scripture for everything goes in the bedroom. But if you know about how God loves. Yeah, right, then what we don’t do is we don’t have we understand, and we’re sensitive to the things going on with our spouses, right? For example, if we made sure there might not be anything biblically wrong. Yeah. Oral sex, for example, not, perhaps there’s nothing biblically wrong with it. But there could be a problem with it for your spouse, it could be tied to previous experience they’ve had with other people. Yeah, it could be tied to something that used to watch on television that,
3:22
yeah, yes, or other screens, or other computer screens,
3:25
or phone screens or iPad screens, it could be tied to so many things that cause issues, right? In your relationship or issues within the heart of your spouse. Right. And so it could be something that in and of itself, there’s nothing wrong with it, per se, but it right, just fix scenario. There’s a problem. And if we love how God loves, right, if we’re intimate, and we’re focused on intimacy with ourselves, and we’re also sensitive to, it’s like, if this is not working, well, then we shouldn’t be doing this. We should be exploring and seeing what’s going on. We should be asking the Lord, what’s going on? And in fact, it’s funny because the Holy Spirit will give you insight into things that maybe your spouse doesn’t even recognize about themselves, because it’s too deep. Yes, they don’t like Amen. The Holy Spirit will give you insight into what’s going on with your spouse. Yeah, right. Yes. But we’ll close when we segment our when we segment our lives like, well, this is my sex life. And it’s not interested in that. This is my this is that and we’re not inviting him in, then we’re not even going to hear when there’s a problem. We’re not even going to hear that something’s going on. Maybe I shouldn’t do that. Or maybe I shouldn’t do that in a positive way, too. Yeah.
4:42
Right. Okay. Tell me the positive way because I want to respond. Well, let me first actually respond to the oral sex thing. I I actually read a book called delight your husband where I go really carefully into how to have what I call Penny, but it’s essentially, you know, it’s a short for Pena Lingus, which is oral sex for Man. And the reason I go into that, and the reason I felt like it was on my heart to really expose this, scientifically, but most importantly, biblically, is because, well, for two reasons. One is, Penny is actually like I’m, I’m more of a one to two times a week girl, like, I really don’t crave it more than that. But my husband is more of that every day like, right. And I mean, I’m not, I’m not able to really do acrobats every once or twice a week. That’s good. But
5:33
I’m good acrobats.
5:36
So that’s the deal that gives in our marital intimacy, it gives us the opportunity to meet his most important need, on a more frequent basis, because we’re able to involve some other things. But one thing that was vital for me was to get in my head that yes, if those things I and I experienced emotional abuse as a child, but but then also it was through, you know, my first marriage that I received a lot of other kinds of abuse. And I had a lot of negative things about it. But the cool thing is, God got me past those things. And that was kind of my purpose in that it’s like, if we start looking and digging in, I’ve got a webinar that specifically about like, How does God see this part of your intimacy, because it’s so vital to it to say, Okay,
6:22
I’ve got dirty glasses on, I’m not looking at it through God’s lens, and the movie to the next part. But anyway, so I have that work, right? If we’re trying to do that with, if we’re trying to do that without him, then what it ends up being is, I just don’t like that. And I don’t want you to do that. And whatever. And now and now you’re you’re being selfish. Right, right. So over time, that and then then your spouse becomes bitter. Right? And so that’s why it’s like that God has to be in it. Because he’s the one who heals you. He’s the healer. So we have to that. So that’s so it just doesn’t make sense for us to exclude him in these in these matters.
6:59
Yeah, yes. Well, and you were saying that also, it works in a positive way. What would be an example of that, or?
7:06
So my husband loves to tell a story about how there’s been times where, like, you know, so we’ll be in the band. And it’s like, the Lord will give him a do this. You don’t like, Oh, I like that. You don’t? He says, it’s funny, cuz you know. It’s like, oh, he’ll hear something like, oh, do that. Oh, yeah. But do that, right? He says, he says, What does he say? He says, Jesus is my wind, man. That’s what Jesus is my wig, man. She’s like, you know, he makes sure he makes sure that you know, all works out well, with my wife, he gives me ID, he gives me ideas and strategies, he tells us a story about how there was a like, when I’m asleep at night, like, I’m not one of those folks who really wants to like, if I’m good and sleep, I really actually don’t want to be woken up, like what I’m good at. And if I do wake up, and you never know what might happen when I wake up, I could wake up and be delightful. Or I could wake up and really not have a clue what’s going on and fall back. Right. Yeah, you know, yeah. And so. And so he’ll tell a story about how, you know, how Lord gave him, you know, strategy on how to work with me when I’m asleep, to wake up and be ready. Wow. And it works. And so my goodness, that’s so funny. Like, I didn’t come up with that on my own. He says, he says Jesus is his wing man, which makes me laugh, you know? But it’s awesome. Yeah, yeah. Well, okay.
8:36
So I want to dive into that. I’ve got some thoughts myself. But if someone is like listening to this, and they’re like, what you’re saying in the middle of sex, I’m going to hear from the Lord, are you kidding me? Let’s shut that down. before it starts, you know, like, go away. What would you say to that person? It’s like,
8:53
no way you want to listen, we can’t we have to keep we, we think God. So, you know, as if he doesn’t want to be involved in everything, everything concerning us. And it’s like, it’s the Holy Spirit lives within us. And we’re never without him. And so why would we just want to be like, Oh, hush, now. Don’t talk to me now. Because right now I’m at work. Don’t talk. Don’t talk to me now. Because right now I’m having sex. Don’t talk to me now. Because I’m doing this because I really only want to talk to you on Sunday, and maybe on Wednesday night, or when I’m in my Bible, then talk to me, then we have to stop living like that and just be open to because he really does lead and guided every area. I’ll tell you and it’s and then outside of the bedroom, it works to like you could be you know, dealing with a situation with your spouse where it could have been a really massive blow up. I can’t tell you how many times the Holy Spirit said to me, don’t say a thing. Shut your mouth. Like just don’t say anything and a situation. And then so I’m about to say something I hear Hush, don’t say anything. I say nothing. And then he tells my husband what He needs to hear and the situation resolved and we never had to have an argument argument about it happens relatively frequently. Yeah, you know, or, you know, it could be just I’m sitting here and I’m dealing with something at work. It’s late at night. Holy Spirit’s, like, go wash the dishes. Okay, I’m gonna go wash the dishes. Then when my husband comes home, he’s like, Oh, thanks so much for daycare, the dishes. He’s so happy, you don’t say. So we have to like, this is an inside the bedroom and an outside of a bedroom. This is a life thing. And we have to just be willing to hear because he’s speaking. So we have to be willing to attune our ear to
10:33
Him. Amen. That’s good. That’s really good. Okay. So I mean, let’s say first steps for the, for the the husband or the wife, that’s just like, just as uncomfortable a little bit. But, you know, like, how, how do they get, you know, maybe 123 steps ahead of where they are now. Yeah.
10:52
So a really two things. Okay. So one thing is, I mean, if you pray together as a couple, if you don’t, I’d recommend that you do. But if you’re praying as a couple, I would include in your prayer, that you are welcome in every area of you know, Lord, you are, you are welcome, in every area of our relationship, you know, lead us and guide us in all of it. You are welcome. We want to hear you in every area of our marriage. Right? simple prayer, you know, simple prayer, if that’s your heart, you know, in your heart is for that to be the case. And I’m not talking about praying before you having sex, I’m talking about when you pray, when you pray together as a couple, right? That that doing that is is a really useful thing, because you’re making an invitation. So that’s one thing. Okay. Another thing is, you know, um, you know, the scripture that says, Enter his gates with thanksgiving, in your heart, enter his courts with praise. Yeah. So one of the things this, my husband wrote about this in the book, okay. And he talks about how one of the things he does, like, so with her in the bed, right, the first thing that he’s going to do, is he’s going to have a grateful heart. He’s, like, in his mind, he’s actually saying, Lord, thank you so much for my wife, you know, thank you so much, you know, for you know, and he will tell you straight up your leg. Thank you so much for those curves, you know, yeah, thankfully. Or, you know, you know, he’ll say, out loud, but he’s saying them in his heart, you know, yeah. And he is, and because he has, it’s like, now he’s entering his gates with thanksgiving in his heart, right? thanking him and praising him for that. And then that, by the way, is also an invitation. And it also helps him go into the experience with me and helps me, you know, I do the same. He doesn’t need to go into the experience with the with the heart to love and serve, as opposed as opposed to it and for it to be glory to Him because everything’s supposed to be to glorify him anyway.
13:01
That’s right. That’s right. And when we understand the purposes God has of sex, yes, we can recognize this as a holy ash. Oh, I love it. It absolutely, yes. Absolutely. Yeah. And and I mean, the way you can just test this out in your own marriage, if you if you are just really unsure if this is holy or not, after the experience, the unification that come Yes, the ability to be connected on on a spiritual, you know, physical, every level emotional, and then how much better your relationship is how much more supported you feel when you are doing what God wants you to do? I
13:38
mean, it’s just, yeah, yeah.
13:41
I mean, I think if we think more about the purpose of sex, it gives us a more like, this is right. This is what God was very much, right? Yes, yes. So I love it, because Oh, no, the other thing I wanted to pull out of what you said about the gratefulness, I love that your husband, thanks God for your curves, because and everything else that he enjoys, because God made those curves.
14:06
Exactly. Why do we make it? Amen, you know, amen. Oh, it just, it just makes sense. And so if you’re going into a situation with a grateful heart, you’re you’re you are giving gratitude and praise to the One who created at all and you’re going into your you’ve just you’ve just essentially invited him into your affairs.
14:27
Yeah, yeah. Yep. I love that. Yeah. And I love that you mentioned that it also, when you get that level of intimacy with the Lord, your communication with him is included in every area of your life where you’re doing the dishes, because he told you to because he wants you and your husband have a good evening that Yeah. I love that. Now, here’s a question I think are on a lot of people’s hearts and minds. As you mentioned, the verse about everything in the marriage bed. It’s kept totally it’s undefiled. Basically, that verse. How can you make be talking about this in your book, but how do you discuss the words you speak in the bedroom? When it’s just the two of you? Do you have kind of a philosophy on that? What’s okay? What’s not cetera? Yeah. So.
15:12
So that same Scripture before it says that the marriage bed is undefiled it says Let marriage be kept honorable. Okay, in every way. And so. So our heart has to be to be honoring each other. Right? Okay. And so if there’s something so to me, it’s like, anything. If it’s something is honoring to each other, and we’re honoring each other, then we’re good to go. We don’t we don’t feel any kind of way a man. Right. Okay. Yeah. Because there’s no scripture that says, Thou shalt not do that, and thou shalt not do that. Right. Yeah. But I will also say, I will also say this. Yeah. And we talked about this in the book, this whole idea of not so sowing into the flesh versus sowing into the spirit. There’s a whole chapter on that. Right, wow. So there’s a whole chapter on that, and how there’s certain things that that, that you do that you’re really that really, if you think about, you’re really doing it for your own, your own fleshly desire, right. And it’s not so much that there’s anything wrong with the thing in and of itself, it’s all about the heart. It’s all about the heart behind Oh, right. And so and so that’s how we deal with that. And we also say that, you have to also recognize that, that it’s not honoring to another person, if the person’s having some going through some stuff, and dealing with some issues relates to stuff, and you have to allow a healing process and be in partner partnership around that thing, as opposed to feeling victimized, like because my spouse isn’t giving me exactly what I want and being, you know, self censored about it. We’ve got to be everything’s got to be, I mean, it’s covenant, you know, it’s like, everything’s got to be, it’s us together. It’s not, you’re trying to do this, or you’re trying not to do this, and you’re this against me, if it’s centered in Christ, if it’s rooted and centered in Christ, right. And you’re in the covenant and you’re a team, then you just have to, it’s sometimes it’s hard, you might forget, but then you need to remind yourself. Yeah, you’re a team and look at it, you know, look at it from his point of view.
17:14
Yeah, yeah, that’s interesting. Okay, so, so kind of people that haven’t yet read the book and not gotten the full understanding. They might take what you said and be like, good. I’ve got some rules. Now, I’m gonna slap that on my honey and be like, listen, that was not in the spirit that was in the flesh. We’re stopping things right now. I’m going to go take a shower. You just cool off, you know, yeah. You know what I mean? The it’s so easy to put rules on thing and try to like, get religious about it all of a sudden, yeah, tell me how to? Yeah, well, seriously, that’s a huge issue, right?
17:46
Everything like this. This is one of those areas that if there’s some issues, why aren’t we talking? Right? Let’s communicate, let’s not have like, well, here’s my, here’s my, here’s my set of 10 rules, you know? Like, let’s not, let’s not be that way, right? You know, let’s have a conversation. If there’s something that’s on your mind that you need to discuss, you know, prayerfully, discuss it, you know, or pray about it, find out whether you should discuss it. And if you shouldn’t make sure you got the right heart behind the discussion and and have the discussion. But this isn’t about rules and regulations. That’s not what this is about. This is about two people income and it with a heart for each other, who wish to glorify God and all that they do, and enjoy each other. Intimacy, fellowship, it’s friendship, it’s, you know, all of these things, right? I mean, that’s, that’s what it’s about.
18:37
Yeah. So when someone is in the midst of the act, and they feel like maybe God’s showing them to do something, or to maybe change their attitude, or whatever, I mean, are there some checks in their own head that they need to go through to be like, okay, is this the Lord? Do they need to do that? Like, I can, I can just imagine that this could become something that people are just like, I don’t, I don’t know if that was God or not. And maybe I just made a mistake when i What would you say to that person yet? So
19:03
the whole idea of hearing from God, that’s like, I mean, we could do a whole podcast on the concept of hearing from God, right? I mean, we can overanalyze in our minds. Okay. Was that me was that, you know, that God was that the enemy was that, you know, I mean, honestly, I mean, if it’s something that’s not going to be serving, then you know, that, you know, then you know, it’s something that’s going to be like, when you hear it, it’s like, it’s something that you’re like, in your mind, you’re like, gosh, that’s not even like that vulnerable thing that I just heard, then that’s not a God, right? Yeah, I’m not gonna. He’s not That’s not who he is. Right? Yeah. But in general, I mean, I Don’t overanalyze. You know, I really just, I really trust the voice of the Lord. I mean, it’s like, and the thing is, is that’s a process that’s a process and it also means that sometimes you may hear wrong but okay, well, he’ll order the, you know, honor the fact that you’re trying, right you’re trying to place right. And so it’s like If you’re if you’re you could be in the middle of the act and get an idea. Oh, yeah, I think. Yeah, I think that yeah, I think I’ll try it, then go try it, you know? Yeah. Yeah, do it.
20:11
Yeah, it’s true. Well, and I like that consideration about hearing God’s voice. Because I think my journey is interesting, where I was raised in the church and really zealous for God and hearing him speak and men. What is the first Corinthians 1312, where it specifically talks about, you know, really being zealous after the gifts of the Spirit. And, you know, I just was in this road of just zeal for the Lord, which was awesome. But the sad thing is, is during that time, I began to meet and experience some hard things from people that were so zealous after the gifts that they forgot about the fruit. And that’s a big deal. Because the Lord says, you’ll know them by
20:54
their fruits where church comes in and all the other Yes, oh, yes, it
20:59
does. And, and so I’m still working through that and really looking to God to develop the fruits in me, first and foremost, as he allows me to operate in some, again, now I’m a little more cautious where I’m like, maybe, maybe I can’t blame whatever I heard or thought on God anyway, maybe. Maybe I’m infallible and all make mistakes here and there. So yeah, so So my kind of thought process on hearing from God in this area is also recognizing that I used to compare myself to people that hear from God in a really specific and clear way. And they do I mean, some people, I mean, it is like, they get phrases. And I have that has never been me. It’s never though I have prayed and fasted and sought it out. But that doesn’t mean that God doesn’t feel to me.
21:50
Yes. He’s my little daughter impressions more with you. Yeah. And yeah, that’s, it’s it’s different for everybody. And you said something Keating, which was that you were comparing, you know, the way other people here, and so that can easily have you feeling like, Well, I’m just not hearing, you know, but he is, he is speaking. And it’s, you know, and the thing is, and that’s, and that’s why we go back and we say, that intimacy, that the greatest intimacy you will experience with your spouse begins with the intimacy growing intimacy with the Lord, right? Because if you’re not fellowshipping with him, and get him as like, if you’re not fellowshipping with him, then, you know, it’s like, you’re, you’re not getting the practice of tuning your ear ear towards him, or even understanding how he speaks to you in the first place. Because he speaks to everybody so differently, right. And so that’s why that that level of intimacy is really important foundation for greater intimacy, right with yourself. rectly in your relationships with everybody, but certainly in the intimacy with your spouse, physical or otherwise.
22:54
Yep, yep. No, I like that a lot. And and it’s, it’s helpful, you know, as we do learn about the way God set this world up, we start to understand Wow, okay, different personalities connect with God a little differently. There’s a, there’s something called sacred pathways, which is a book, but it basically talks about, I’ll have it linked up. But it talks about how each of us even connect to God differently. So some of us connect to God more through nature, some of us connects to God more through worship, some of us serving very actively serving others in an active way, like an activist kind of mentality. And so the sad thing is, I think that’s such wisdom. And all of us can connect to God, kind of, in some capacity through each of those ways. But if you think that everyone has to connect to God, the way that you do if you’re more intellectual, like I’m more intellectual, my husband is absolutely nature or, or more of a senses, like he connects to God through like just feeling the wind, yeah. I, I could easily judge him and be like, he is just so I have read three commentaries on today. And he is just out there in nature.
24:01
Right? It’s like, we have to focus on our own relationships. He created us the way He created us, right? Like he created you to be that way. He created your husband to be that way. He created me to be the way I am my husband the way he is. So it’s like, yeah, we can’t stand we can’t stand in judgment of the end. It’s like we have to check ourselves because very easy to do that. And then we have to check ourselves like you know what, I can’t stand a judgment of, of how this how someone else relates to the Lord. I have someone communicates for, you know, amen. Yeah.
24:28
I love that. And I feel like especially if this is new territory to anyone listening about involving God in your sexual relationship. I mean, what would you say what are some ground rules to like, not ground rules, but foundational understandings that would be very important for the wife going into this? So that she doesn’t say in her mind like, Well, I heard from God this and you have not been hearing from God in our bedrooms. There’s a problem. You know what I mean? Couples have these issues, you know, Yeah, in my own life I have, we all have these.
25:03
Absolutely. And that’s, and that’s why I think it’s so important that couples come together in prayer, right? And that they come together with this, you know, in unity on things as opposed to like, well, I’m doing this and you’re not doing this or whatever. So if because if you’re doing that together guy, it’s like two things. Like one Yeah, everyone has to cultivate their own relationship with the Lord. And so that’s, you know, that’s an important thing to be in fellowship with Him, right? That’s your own responsibility, you know, for your own self and your own relationship. But also, you know, do the things that you can do as a couple, just, I mean, just pray together, period, you know, just how many couples don’t even pray together. You know, I’m saying so as me, there’s just like, some really, I’m just like, simple things, and they’re simple. And, and people might think that there’s so it’s almost like you, you disregard them, because they’re too simple. You know, there’s a lot of things that I’ve said today that are very simple and concepts. But just because they’re simple does not mean they’re not powerful. And I can tell you, they’re powerful, because I’ve experienced it myself, I can tell you powerful because people other people have experienced it. Right? So So yes, it’s simple. But yes, it’s powerful. No one said that God had to be complex.
26:14
Right. Right. And and so how could we practically speaking? I mean, what does it look like? Maybe even in your marriage? How when do you put in prayer? How do you kind of start that if it’s not started already in your relationship?
26:29
Yeah. So you could just do it in the morning, or at night before you go to bed or you know, just whatever, whatever consistent time that you’re both together, right. And so this could mean a sacrifice. So for example, if one of you has to get up early for work, you have to get at work for at six o’clock in the morning, and the other one really had to get up until eight or whatever. Yeah, and let’s say that there’s still a min, there’s not a time in the evening that you know, that’s early enough, or whatever, that you guys are going to bed together or whatever, that you might be one person needs to sacrifice to wake up for a few minutes at six o’clock, you know, and we’ll handle that and then go back to sleep. Yeah, you know, yeah, whatever, whatever it takes.
27:14
Okay. Yeah. And good.
27:17
I’ll just say what is Yeah, so whatever it takes, the other thing I’d like to recommend is some thing I’ve been doing for years now. And that is that we have chosen a day, every single week, and we do not miss it. We probably missed it maybe twice in five years. And we spend, we do lunch, you know, you could do whatever. But you know, we’ll do lunch. And during that lunch, we talk about stuff going on with our, with the family, what’s going on with, you know, our businesses, what’s going on with our ministry stuff, because we lead children’s ministry at church and, you know, kind of like all that stuff. And so we handle like business, you know, life business across the board. But we’re also enjoying each other’s company, right? And it makes sure that we’re staying kind of, you know, in communication on things that are really important going on. I mean, you talk about the importance of date nights and stuff like that. All that’s really, really important. But it’s also important, just to have a consistent time that you guys are just even talking about what’s up just hearing what’s on each. Right, which may not happen when you’re at the movies.
28:19
Yeah, that’s right. I
28:21
mean, yep. Yep. That’s a thing else that I recommend, too. That’s just something just something that yeah, areas. It’s messy.
28:27
Yes, no, I think I want to just pull out some things that you mentioned that were brilliant in that in it. Actually, that’s a theme kind of throughout this has been this communication. Yeah, piece that’s just vital. And regardless of it’s in the bedroom, outside of the bedroom, I mean, before the bed, whatever. I mean, your intimacy, it’s got to be in this way of actually having conversations and having that interaction. And the other thing I like is that it’s regular, yes, that you all have it. Like it’s so I think I think the thing that’s helpful about that is having regular time is that if there are things going on in your marriage, let’s say someone is feeling hurt, or someone’s feeling, whatever, like something happened. And if he doesn’t have that safe space that’s already developed, where you’re already talking about things that I like to recommend like something around a weekly check in, where you’re just asking, How are you feeling about things? Yes. And that can include bedroom things that how are you feeling about it? Absolutely.
29:24
Yeah, ever is going on and life in your relationship. You know, it’s just an open, open time, heart to heart just in consistence consistent time in which you do it. And a lot of people say that sounds great, and then they try to do it. But then, but if you don’t monitor it, it’s like in our calendar, like we will not book something on top, okay, we’re both in business. If he gets up, he’s a massage therapist. If he has a client who wants an appointment during the time we do that he does not take it. He wants it off the calendar. I haven’t knocked off my calendar. Nobody can take that space, the only family emergency or whatever. is going to keep us from doing it. It’s got an important.
30:04
Yeah. And the other thing again, it’s interesting that both you and your husband are super driven business people with different strengths. Right? Is that what was the last
30:14
thing? It wasn’t always that way. But yeah, we’re both Oh, yeah.
30:18
Okay. So you really do have to go by your schedule? Yeah. It’s vital for both of
30:22
you. Yeah. We used to work we I used to work a corporate job. I, I’ve been at him for five years. I used to work in corporate and graphs. And a huge, yes. unplugging from the Matrix. But he you know, and he was working a job and doing his practice on the side. And then over time, he went into part time and his massage practice. And now he’s full time the past year, a little over a year. Now. He’s been full time his practice, right. And so we’ve had varying dynamics. But but you know, but actually, you know, what, we’ve been doing this meeting thing for more than that, because even when I was working in corporate, we’re doing we were doing these meetings. So yeah, it’s been a long time. Do you
31:00
have to set up because those meetings seem pretty serious. But I mean, of course, Shay, you’re incredibly fun. So I’m sure you make it fun anyway, but do you have to like think about, Okay, how are we going to end this meeting? So it’s an you know, good thing, like, how do you or is that I
31:19
try to we don’t do it. Okay, just do it. You know, it every week. I mean, there have been times where those things have ended not so fun. Oh, it happened. Three years, we were in the car on the way back from it and having a not so fun conversation that has happened, you know, yes. And,
31:37
and, and why are you okay with those not so fun? Experiment? You know, times. I mean, what some people avoid those like the plague like Why Why are you okay with
31:45
it? Right? Yeah, if we can’t, if we can’t ever have tough conversations, then if you’re not ever having tough conversations with your spouse, then you’re both probably living a lie. Because Because tough stuff happens. It’s like, there’s always something that to be discussed. I mean, if it’s always focused on just everything’s just perfect, everything’s just lovely, then it’s like you’re just too time bombs waiting to just blow up. So but it but if you’re having regular conversations just about life, so most of them are actually very pleasant. The majority of them aren’t. I think it’s there’s maintenance happening.
32:22
Yeah. And going back to something you said in the very beginning, generally, your tough conversations at this point. limited to about 10 minutes. That’s yeah,
32:31
yeah. Yeah, they’re pretty, they’re pretty short. They’re pretty short. And the thing is, is that that whole going in that hole going to bed angry, so yeah, we don’t go to bed angry. So it’s like it gets. And if it’s, yeah, yeah.
32:46
Just leave it at that. You just awesome. Well, I mean, we’ve just, we’ve gone through so much already. I want to ask you, if you could kind of tell us, you told us about some challenging areas from the beginning. I mean, what is your marriage look like? Now? You’ve given us some insight that but but how do things feel? How do you do? How is it? Now
33:09
I, I honestly, believe that it’s, and I’ve been, this has been our experience, that marriage has just gotten sweeter, and sweeter and sweeter with every year, honestly. And it doesn’t matter what comes our way. It doesn’t matter what it is. Our ability as a team to work through it. The three of us, not the two of us. Really include our kids, I’ll say the five of us right? To work through things is with grace. And faith has makes it just awesome. Which means which doesn’t mean we do not argue, which doesn’t mean that tough stuff doesn’t happen. It’s how we deal with it. And it just gets better and better each year. But at some point, we have to keep Christ at the center. And we also have to be willing to hear and I have to be willing to keep my mouth shut sometimes, you know, as to be willing to hear Oh, hush, okay. I’m just not saying anything. And he said the same thing. He’s like, there’s times when he’s when Lords like yet don’t don’t go there. They’re still there. And we can’t take credit for that, that I take no credit for that. Because if it were for me, I would have said it. I would have said it with an attitude. Because Because I surrendered this marriage to him and I have it here you’re here. And when I’m when I have that when I when I’ve got an impression that’s like keep your mouth shut. I keep my mouth shut. Yeah,
34:33
yeah, yeah. Yeah. And, and I kind of want to just underline something we talked about just a little bit ago. One, I want to pull out the team that you just reiterated because that’s just huge that you’re on the same side here. You and your husband are on the same side, fighting for your marriage, fighting for your family, fighting for what God wants your family to be involved in, and you’re not fighting against your husband. You’re fighting against the enemy that you’re fighting against.
35:00
You’re not battling against flesh and blood of any sorts. Yes. That’s right.
35:05
That’s so interesting that you mentioned that verse. That’s good. Can I, you know,
35:08
they’re like, random tip that’s been really, really helped
35:11
do it. I want it
35:14
for this is for the ladies. Okay, many friends that have come back and said, I’m so glad you told me that. So yeah, one of the things that I this is a thing that I learned from the Lord to, which is when I sometimes I’m just not in the mood, I don’t feel like it, you know, Oh, okay. Like, am I added to the file feel like it? I mean, like, that’s it, I feel like my attitude. One of the things Lord said, to me one time was, like, start getting ready, like so for example. So, in my mind, I’m thinking, I’m tired, I’m tired, I don’t want to whatever. But as soon as I say, Okay, I’m gonna, like, maybe I’ll put on put on this, this thing in the bed, that’s gonna make me feel pretty good. Or I’m gonna, like, go take a quick shower and put this, like when I just when I go and take a step, just one step in a direction. That what happens is, it’s like, it builds a momentum. It’s like, Oh, one thing and it’s like, okay, you know, and by the time by the time I’m done with whatever activity it is, it could have been a five second activity or a five minute activity shift, like, I go through a heart change, or all of a sudden, or I get like, like, I hit supernatural energy. Like, you know, I was tired, but it’s like, you know why, and all of a sudden, I have a heart to serve. And so my mind might be to serve, but I always have fun. It’s such a sacrifice. No, I enjoy having fun, too.
36:42
That’s right. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. Thank you for sharing that. Because I think, right, right. And that’s where you bring that faith into your intimacy. That’s really right. Because when you really get a sense of how important your sexual intimacy is, for your relationship with God, for your work for God, in the kingdom, for your husband’s relationship with God, I mean, you start to see sex in a very different way. It’s not this. I’ve just got to fill his knee. I mean, you know, that’s, that’s what the enemy wants to lie to. Yeah,
37:17
right. Yes.
37:19
i Yeah. I love that. You’re like that one step. And, and for anyone who’s, it’s just so practical, I’m not even going to add it to it. That’s just practical. That’s good. The other thing I wanted to mention you you mentioned the hearing from God. And one thing if the way that Shea hears from God. So clearly, I don’t hear from God. I love that she does. You know what I mean? What did you say sometimes? Not
37:41
always so clearly? Oh,
37:43
yeah. Well, well, I mean, the reason I mentioned that is not only I mean, obviously, we can all be hearing from God more clearly, we can all be continuing to fine tune that ability to hear from him. And let’s listen to that podcast that Shay will have on on that. Yeah. No, but I mean, there’s lots of books. I’ve read a good handful of books about hearing from God. Yeah. And and the truth is, I’ve had to actually kind of free myself from Yeah, again, that comparison, it says anyone who compares themselves by themselves, and in terms of comparing themselves to other people are not why. And so one thing that I think God has taught me is that I basically have to just couch everything with I’m giving God the glory for any kind of wisdom that I might have. But also, I also get it wrong sometimes. And that’s not always wisdom. And I’m gonna try and I think he taught me this. I think he said this to me. And, you know, I don’t I’ve never had an audible voice. I’ve had little things that have been like really strong in my heart that I’m just like, wow, God wanted me to see that. Yeah. Yeah. Which I agree with you. It totally is. But I think a lot of times, I wanted him to speak in a certain way that I never heard him. Like, I wanted that audible. I’m an audio learner. I love listening to books. I love podcasts, you know, but I never could hear him in the way that I wanted to. So anyway, just just, uh, I mean, do you have thoughts on that also? Well,
39:10
yeah. So I think I think you actually share the thought which is, okay. Which Yeah, not to, which is not to compare, and to just just enjoy, just enjoy the way you communicate with him. And the way he communicates with you just take enjoyment in that and it’s going and it can change and it can morph, and it can develop, you know, over time, it’s not always going to look the way you want it or the way you thought it would be or whatever, and will you make mistakes? Absolutely, absolutely. But his grace, it’s like, it’s like you did something thinking that’s what you heard. Maybe you were wrong. Maybe you heard wrong, okay. There’s his grace. I mean, he says, work all things together for the good of those who love me, right and are called according to my purpose. So even when you make mistakes, he’s just so crazy amazing that he still works things out, he still will take a good out of a situation that wasn’t that great. You know? So it’s like, it’s just giving ourselves Yeah, this this freedom, that word freedom I think is really important. It’s just, we should be free in Christ. You know, it’s like it is okay? Be be led, get focus on your relationship with him and just let it grow as it grows, you know, he meets you. He says when you draw close to me, I draw close to you. So it’s just like if you just focus on that, you know, just enjoy the adventure. There’s a scripture It’s funny, when you asked me about a favorite scripture, it’s another one that kind of stood out to me that I love so much is and this is also from The Message Bible, but it was in Romans eight and it said this resurrection life you receive from God is not timid grave tending life. It’s adventurously expected greeting gov with a child like what’s next Papa? I love that. Because it’s like, that’s what, that’s what life should feel like, you know, it’s just like, this is just I always talk about my wild and crazy and amazing adventures with God. Right? It’s like, as soon as I gave my life, I mean really gave my life to him really surrendered everything to him, everything to him. Yeah, it became such a wild and crazy, amazing adventure. And I make mistakes all the time. But his grace, you know, so it’s like, just live freely and lightly like Matthew 11.
41:29
I know. Full circle here.
41:31
He won’t live the unforced rhythms of grace is just like lip reading and lightly and do your best focus just on your relationship with him your relationship with your spouse, your relationship with your family, do the best, you know, do what you can knowing that you have the Spirit. Holy Spirit. You have a spirit of God on the inside of you.
41:47
Yeah, yeah. Oh, this is good. I like it. I like it a lot adventurously that industriously
41:55
expanded.
41:57
Yeah. It’s all good. And I love what’s next pop I mean, thinking about you know, you’ve got little girls, I’ve got a you know, little boys and just thinking about it this age. They’re so cute. They’re like toddler age, you know, so? Well. One is the other one’s four months old. But the, the toddler like I can totally imagine him just holding my hand. And when he does, and he looks up at me, and it’s like, you know, just this excited. We’re going to the park we’re doing whatever it is,
42:29
is adventure. Kids. Kids are like the best lessons in faith. There is like, life. I just didn’t mention that on Facebook. The other day, I learned so much about life and faith and the childlike faith from my kids. It’s amazing. And it’s like, and if we just look at our relationships, it’s just like, and even if you’re in a relationship that’s like right now, it’s just feeling really hard. It’s just feeling it’s just, it’s really kind of feeling like it sucks right now. Like, say, I hear what you said. And that sounds all great and beautiful. And yeah, but right now it’s sucks. It’s even if it sucks. It’s like if it’s like, Okay, Lord. It’s just like, the prayer is Lord, you know, I give this relationship to you. This is a covenant and you honor it. And I want to honor it, you know, and, and I thank you that you know, you say that you can turn you can turn the heart of a king any which way you choose. I think, Lord that You know, and I would just be speaking life over that relationship. It’s like, we’ve got it we’ve got to use, Lord help me to see things as you see that we’ve got to have his point of view. And yeah, that sounds or whatever, whatever. But that’s the life of faith. That’s what we’re called to write. Yeah, we can’t just yarn and say, Yeah, that sounds great. No, that’s the life we’re supposed to live. It’s like, are we doing this or not? Are we saying we’re Christians? Or are we living a life following Christ? Which is, yeah, you know, so not to be like, you know, I’m just saying,
43:53
Listen, I think Shay is calling us higher. And that’s exactly what we need. That’s why I so grateful you were willing to be on my podcast, because that is exactly what we need. We need to not be living this life as though as though we got a second opportunity to do it after this first try. It’s not it’s not a dress rehearsal. This is what God has given you. To run with. I love it. Okay, so, so cool. Okay, so if you could share what are the three key things that you believe have been central to your marital success so far?
44:25
Okay. One of them is the whole thing around two servant hearts guaranteeing a victory. So if we’re always looking to, if we’re always looking to give each other the advantage, then everybody wins. So that’s, that’s one of them. The second would be communication, communication, communication, because the baddest misses there is is miscommunication. So good work. I like that. Number two. I’d say number three is just really keeping Christ at the center. So I mean, it really should have been number one, these aren’t in any area of importance, but it’s like really keeping Christ at the center. And what that looks like, is just really saying this is the relationship that’s just yielded to him. And so even when stuff is hard, it’s like, okay, knowing that he’s faithful to walk me through it. You know, he’s faithful to do that. He said, faithful to walk your spouse through and he’s faithful for you to walk you together through it, right? And so just operating that way, and really believing that that’s the truth. And that’s what his word is. And that’s what his promises concerning me and concerning your spouse concerning your covenant, then that’s a foundation that you can work from.
45:36
Yeah, that’s really good. That’s really good. Okay, so then, we’ve talked about some practical things. But if you could share a practical tip or advice about intimacy that either you wish someone well, basically what you wish someone had let you in on earlier or and, you know, something wife can implement even tonight.
45:56
Okay, so, for the one that BO Y could implement tonight, I would say if you’re tired, implement the one we talked about a few minutes ago, which is gonna know you’re tired. Take a step, go take a shower, go put some, you know, that your husband likes or something that you feel good at, you know, whatever. Right. So I would say that’s the practical thing. The thing that I wish that someone let me in on earlier was that the greatest levels of intimacy that I experienced with my husband began with my intimacy with God. That’s good. Yeah,
46:24
that’s really good. Yeah. Nice. I love that. Cool. Um, okay. So then, due to the specific marriage that you’ve had, and we’ve talked about this a little bit, but you know, what, what opportunities have you had to serve or get to know God?
46:39
Gosh, I mean,
46:42
yeah, I mean, just just in one sentence, or less
46:44
Shay has ever had to serve and get to know God. It’s like a daily, it’s like, a daily walk. Oh, my God. It’s a daily walk of just understanding, like knowing his seeking his heart and knowing his heart, knowing his heart for me, and knowing it’s hard for my husband and knowing his heart for our marriage. You know, it’s a daily, it’s a daily thing. And every time there’s a tough situation, it’s like, Lord, help me to see this, from your point of view. Walk me through this thing. You know, yeah, it’s a daily thing.
47:15
That’s good. That’s really good. It’s interesting, because everyone answers that a little bit differently. And some people like immediately zoom in on like, okay, because God taught me this in my marriage. I now minister in this way, you know, and I just like that, you know, this is kind of like a holistic like, this is it’s what God? Yeah. That’s good.
47:34
What is unique?
47:36
Huh? Yeah, I think that’s definitely important. Yeah, as we’ve talked about, that’s good. Okay, so then the book or program that you specifically recommend? And can you actually spell the name of your book as well?
47:52
Oh, yeah. So alright, well, so a book that I really, really love outside of, you know, ours is, I love languages. I love that book. That book is just genius. And when you learn your, when you learned love language, it certainly helps you to better serve, you know, your spouse. And so I highly, highly, highly recommend The Five Love Languages, reading it, not just yourself, but reading it with your spouse, and okay, learn. And then our book, you can get actually get more information, it was much easier to say this, the website is a holy threesome calm. So go there, you’ll get it because even if I spell it off, it’s hard time trying to write it out the book on Amazon, but you can go to a Holy threesome.com and get all the information about the book. Click the link to it on Amazon.
48:36
Awesome. Okay, that’s great. And, and then lastly, you know, as sad as it is, we do have to, but I really, so if you could go back to the first year of your marriage and sit yourself down, what’s one piece of advice that you would give to you?
48:56
I would give myself the advice that That all thing that no matter what the situation looks like, whatever the natural situations that are surrounding me that God is faithful to see us through. And so I don’t have so if I can look so no matter what’s going on. I know that this this marriage was, you know, orchestrated by him. It’s divinely, you know, it’s our assignment together, you know, in life, so I know that he’s got us, so I’m about to freak out.
49:28
Yeah. That’s good. That’s good for anyone who’s listening that’s going in those difficult challenging times. That’s some really powerful advice. That’s really good. Okay, and then where can our audience you know, find connect with you online? Sure. So
49:45
my website is Shay binds.com. My name is SHA EB y in ES so Shay vibes calm and that just links you up to everything that links you up to the kingdom driven entrepreneur, the okay marriage ministry, all of that.
49:58
That’s awesome. Great. Well, this has been so fun. And I just thank you for Oh, my pleasure and just all your wisdom and energy and insight and definitely check out her podcast, check out her books. I’m excited to now dive into Minashi tois. Because now we’ve just got a little taste. Yes.
50:18
I can’t wait to hear your feedback. Well,
50:21
I’m guessing I’m hoping that that phrase, the baddest misses of the mall is in there. I think I’m dying. Isn’t there?
50:33
I actually don’t think
50:34
that was in there. All right. Well, the wisdom behind that. Yeah, sure shows. Oh. My gosh, this is so good. Well, again, Shay. Thank you. And I’m looking forward to connecting again with you. So
50:48
thanks so much.
50:54
Wow, well, thank you Shay for all of that great wisdom and clearly lived out knowledge. And definitely check her out on her various resources she mentioned, she’s got that podcast, which I’m excited to really dive into, you know, spiritual life and business. There’s just so much we can learn about that. But then the other thing I would love for you to take away is consider the way God speaks to you, like really consider that. It might not be the way that other people hear from God. But he speaking, he is speaking and recognize that he might want to teach you even more than you could have expected or would have been willing to understand going into it. So I just encourage you, you know, have an open mind and be willing to invite God into every area of your life. Yep. And that includes your bedroom. So clearly, you know, she’s on board with that. And so looking forward to connecting with you again on Tuesday. And again, God bless you. I love you and we’ll talk soon.
51:52
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion.