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Hi there! Belah here. Today, I have with me Dr. Corey Allen of Simple Marriage and the Sexy Marriage Radio podcast. On this episode, we discuss a refreshing male perspective into the intricacies of sex in marriage. What exactly do men think when they are engaging in intimacy? How is sex considered a responsibility? Join us as Dr. Corey Allen digs deep into the reasons behind why your spouse might be rejecting you. He also gives quite an eye-opening stance on sex and how what we do in everyday life relates to how we act in the bedroom, and vice versa. You surely wouldn’t want to miss this episode!
Through research and study, I’ve discovered the secrets I wish someone told me years ago! Receive my free gift: “The 4 Stages To His Best Oral Orgasm” by going to delightyourmarriage.com/4stages
You’ll Discover:
- How he and his wife struggled with intimacy during the first five years of their marriage because of his skewed priorities when it came to sex
- Why we should never depend on our spouses to make up for our weaknesses
- Why we should get rid of the practice of blaming
- How to effectively end an argument that has become personal
- How life, in general, relates to how you go through sex
Books & Resources Mentioned:
The Family Systems Theory by Dr. Murray Bowen
SMR Ep 191: Sexy Every Day by Shannon Etheridge and Dr. Corey Allen
Tweetables:
- We have sex to the level of anxiety we can tolerate.
- I am responsible for me, period. I am not a victim.
- We should be wanting each other rather than needing each other.
- The person rejecting sex has the better view of what’s going on because the sex they are having is not worth wanting. Sometimes it is too one-sided.
- If you are risk-averse in life, you are going to be risk-averse in bed.
- I gotta bring myself to the occasion, not just fantasize my way through orgasm.
Thanks for listening! I hope you are encouraged to live in wholehearted intimacy!
Love,
Belah
—
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Transcript
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah rose.
0:16
Hey there, and welcome back. This is belah rose, and you are listening to the delight your marriage podcast, where we talk about sex and intimacy and marriage and messy and embarrassing and fun and exciting and laugh. We’ve talked about all of that. And today is no exception. I have got Dr. Corey Allen, who’s just so generous to share all of his insight, and he’s just got so many great tips to give us. Specifically, he talks about how we do sex the way we do life, which might be shocking to hear, but it’s really true. And I think Dr. Allen makes a great case for it. So let’s go ahead and dive in. Alright, well, welcome back. delight your marriage listeners. I’m so thrilled to have today Dr. Corey Allen, thank you so much for being on the show with me, Dr. Corey.
1:20
Absolutely.
1:23
Well, I’m really excited. How are you doing today? So
1:25
good. Let’s, let’s roll this, this will be fun. Perfect. Okay. Well,
1:29
first off, would you be willing to introduce yourself and your family and your day to day life?
1:34
Sure. But my name is Dr. Corey Allen, if you want to go formal is Dr. Corey Allen. I’m a marriage and family therapist that have a private practice here. And I live in the suburbs of Dallas, Texas. I also have a online presence via simple marriage dotnet, which is a site that’s been around for about eight years that started as a hobby and a blog is turned into what I’m pretty proud of a really good resource for marriages. Yeah, and, and help and relationships. And because my main goal, and belief is that marriage, marriage can be one of the best relationships there is. And so I want I want him to survive and thrive. And yeah, so simple marriage produces resources, and ideas and thoughts and books and just help for various stages of relationships. And then three years ago, I started a podcast called sexy marriage radio. And that comes out every Wednesday, where all we do is talk about married sex. It’s me and then a female co host right now at Shannon Etheridge. And yes, that’s been a lot of fun to just speak into the void that is the sex world, when it comes when it comes to looking at it through a healthy lens. Yes. So that’s been a whole lot of fun to just see the response and the impact that we can make just from sitting on a microphone. So it’s pretty cool. Yeah.
2:55
Yeah. And I love that. I love your podcast, and I’ve listened to quite a few of your episodes. You guys have a great dynamic. And yeah, you you tackle a lot of the heart issues. And when we tackle some of those here as well on the delay marriage, so So I hope that you’ll be bringing that expertise to the intimacy in marriage, and then go into it that way, though. Could could you go ahead and share a little bit about you and your wife’s personalities?
3:20
Well, yeah. Wow, that’s a I’ve been married to my wife, Pam, for 22 years. We have two kids, a 10 year old and an eight year old that are just fantastic. on a on a quick detour note, we just came off of a four week vacation together, where we traveled to the western part of the United States and just spent four weeks together, just seeing everything we could see. And now Now we’re trying to figure out how we can do that more just because it was such a great, a great time as a family and as a couple. So. But now my wife, she’s a CPA. So she’s the devil in the details. Woman, and I’m the dreamer. Constantly changing my mind, what if we do this? Let’s try that, you know, pie in the sky kind of guy. Yeah. So it’s, it’s a good balance. And it’s a frustrating ending balance at the same time. It’s so it’s one where, you know, through the, through the journey of our relationship, we’ve we’ve had to grow and challenge ourselves and each other just because of our personalities. And so she’s probably one of the best things that’s ever come to my life. And because she makes me better.
4:33
Hmm, that’s awesome. I love to hear that. She makes me better. Yeah. I hear that. I mean, I feel the same way with my husband. So that’s, that’s great to hear. How old did you say your kids were?
4:44
I have a 10 year old daughter and an eight year old son.
4:47
Yeah. Okay, cool. So yeah, just just coming up on the teenage years pretty soon. Yes. So
4:53
that’s part of why we’re trying to figure out how to travel more as maybe we can bypass teenage years by just being on the road. Oh, yeah. Oh yeah, I’m sure it will work, but it’s a goal.
5:05
Yeah, right. Yep. Yep. Well, cool. Well, um, could you share it? And now this is all about empowering and inspiring wives to live in wholehearted intimacy in their marriage. And so I’d love to have you’re kind of a male perspective on the whole topic. And to start things off, is there a particular scripture or a quote that has meant a lot to you over the years?
5:28
Well, I don’t know. To me, the, the way I encapsulates all of just what the Bible talks about with with marriage, because there’s, because that’s the one thing that’s a big struggle is the Bible doesn’t tell you how you’re supposed to do marriage, specifically, it gives you guidelines and ideas. But it’s, it’s still kind of global, with a lot of gray, a lot of gray areas that allows for a lot of interpretation. And that’s what we fight about, you know, if you think about it. So the way I think about it is that I believe marriage is designed just to help us grow up. That’s the whole point of it. It’s that God cares more about our character, and our wisdom and our maturity than he does about our pleasure. And so, I think what better way to really be challenged to become a better person than get into a marriage. Because, because that person is going to challenge you just because they live with you. Yeah, and, and so it goes right against the whole notion of, you know, the Jerry Maguire, You complete me. Yeah, it just ruins a lots of things in my book. So I just kind of sum up that I think, I think marriage is designed to help us grow up to help us to grow in maturity and wisdom, and to be able to be better people. And, you know, if you want to put a Christian lens on that, that makes the kingdom better. You know, that makes us that makes God’s world better in the sense of, we’re better, better equipped to then handle and love others, when we can handle and love ourselves. So yeah, so it. That’s not an actual scripture. That I know, but but I think it’s the main idea is captured.
7:13
Yeah, yeah. Well, and I want to ask you a couple questions about that is, so you said the phrase you complete me, right, right. Why is that ruining things? He said?
7:23
Well, there’s, there’s this, the Hollywood isation. And the Hallmark world of marriage is that you my weaknesses will be overcome by my spouse’s strengths. And while there’s merit to that, in certain circumstances, if I expect my wife to make up for my weaknesses, I’m destined in my relationship for trouble. Because that’s not her responsibility. I mean, the other way to think about it is, you know, when you when you when you say your vows, we have those for better for worse, in sickness and in health notice, typical, that’s one of those typical phrases that are in there. And a lot of times, the unspoken assumption of that is there will be as little as worse as possible, because I’m working on that, you know, I’ll handle my worse, because I’m dating and you know, I want to put on my best foot forward, and I want you to still like me, so I’ll put my marketing department to work so that you’ll see the best parts of me. And that’s what you’re doing at the same time. And so we don’t really know who we are, and I don’t really know who you are. And so as this goes on into marriage, what we do is we often flip that and say, well, but you said you would take me for better for worse. So that means you have to accept my worse and no, it doesn’t it’s so it just sets up this whole dynamic of, it’s easier to blame my partner for my failures and shortcomings. Because they’re not doing something or, or whatever. Yeah, rather than recognizing that’s my failings and shortcomings. So that’s my responsibility. And that’s what sets up the huge, it’s easier to beat up my partner than it is myself dynamic.
9:08
And tell me a little bit more about the dynamics easier to be to my partner than myself? Well, it’s,
9:13
I mean, think about human nature is we place blame on things we get when something doesn’t go our way. And I think we fight that if you if you have little kids, you see it from early on that well, but he did it or I you know, you did it or whatever, maybe go all the way back to Adam and Eve, you know, sin, you know, God’s like, Hey, what happened and well, I we ate the apple or the fruit. It wasn’t actually an apple maybe, but you know, yeah. And what, who told you to do that? Well, she did it the woman you put me with and then he looks at it, but she’s well, the serpent trip tricked me. You know, and so it’s like, we constantly place blame. Yeah, and when you get into a marriage, you know, there’s some times where all right circumstances kind of dictate Yeah, that I was it fault, but I still contribute to it. And if I don’t own that side of it, then then what we’ve what we create is a marriage, that’s according to the least common denominator. And so it’s the less developed person controls the marriage. And that’s because if you’re with somebody that’s really volatile, and, or emotionally reactive, or fragile, yeah, you have to come, you have to compensate for them all the time. And so you never really do grow. And they hold you hostage. And so it’s learning. Wait, I’m not responsible, completely for you. You’re responsible for you. That’s the idea that you are, you’re, you know, you were hopefully a fully functioning individual, before we before we met. And when you will, if you can stay fully functioning individual once we’ve met and stay together, then we both get the benefit of our growth. And we don’t have to need each other as much we can turn into the whole world of wanting each other different. Oh, and that’s the whole different paradigm.
11:08
Yeah, wanting each other rather than needing each other. I like that a lot. Yeah. Well, and you mentioned, you know, if one person let’s say, there’s a couple that’s listening, or a wife or a husband that’s listening, and they’re thinking, Well, I’ve been doing all the growing and I have been, you know, overcompensating for my partner. What would you suggest that that that one person does?
11:30
Be honest? Yeah, yeah, that’s typically the best thing is just acknowledging the fact that, you know, there’s some things that I cannot do for you. So, here you go. This is this is the best example of how this played out in my marriage, because when I was when I was in grad school, is when I was introduced to this whole theory. And in basically, I’m going to go psychobabble for a second Bella. So with you go, right, it. Basically it’s a family systems theory by Marie Bowen. Okay, Dr. David snarks came along later, and adapted it to couples. And so what is the whole psychobabble term is called differentiation, I change it to just growing up, that’s just it makes more sense to me. And it’s more simple. And that’s I try to keep things as simple as as possible just because that way, but it’s it’s the idea of that I can be in charge of my choices. I’m not a victim to. So it’s it’s learning that I’m responsible for me period. That’s that’s the whole that’s the whole theory that if I’m responsible for it, then it’s on me, I can’t I can’t blame anybody else. So as I’m introduced to this, it just clicks, it just makes sense to me. And I’m learning everything I can about reading all the stuff I can about it. And I’m teaching it to my wife as as as I’m like, hey, what do you think of this? And I’m just, you know, because I’m starting to live it. So it’s putting some pressure on her, which God loves a woman, you know, she had to go through a little roller coaster, when she’s like, What in the world are you doing? You know, so. But we had a time that when my when our firstborn was born, we kind of created this agreement that whenever, because we were both working full time, I had a little I have a more flexible schedule, just because I’m you know, self employed. So I can set set currently my calendar the way I want, which allows me to be around with the kids a whole lot more. And, and my wife has a at the time and a really steady, high stressful job. And so we had this agreement that whenever the day was coming to an end, as far as school or daycare, whatever we had the kids that from then when from the time we got home until the kids went to bed, we wouldn’t have the TV on. So that way we could spend time as a family be outside, eat together. As a family, we just had some priorities of the way this is the way we want to live a life as a family. And but I had negotiated basically, that on the weekend. If there’s a sporting event on then I want to watch it, you know, I want to turn it on. And she’s like, that’s fine, because she’s a she’s a sports fan, too. So I got lucky.
14:09
I sure did.
14:11
So but what at what we found is, you know, with DIRECTV on the weekend, there’s sports on all the time, you know, I can’t find a sporting event, even if it’s cricket, you know, or something, I can find something. So TV would be on all day long. And it wasn’t like we would just sit there and watch it but it would just beyond which that just is that added, you know, a draw of doing nothing rather than doing something together. Yeah. So that what she What happened is over the course of several months, about every six to eight weeks, she would get in this funk of we watch too much TV. You know, we watch too much TV on the weekends and I’m a smart guy and I could I wish I was hearing her what she’s really saying is you watch too much TV I need you so that I don’t have to face the fact that I don’t want to get sucked into this. And it makes it easier for me if you would let take the lead in this. I mean, that’s not what she’s saying at all. But that’s what she’s saying. It’s yeah, yeah. Right. So she would just you watch too much TV, but I’m a smart guy. And also know, that’s just a mood and a reaction from her, she’ll get past it, and I don’t need to change anything. And, and so she would, you know, it’d be a day or two, if she kind of be in a funk, that she’d be fine. And then we’d go another six to eight weeks, and everything would be cool, for me, at least, and then would happen again. And so I, you know, this went on for about a year, just kind of riding that storm. And both of us trying to manipulate the other while acting like we’re not manipulating the other. And yeah, until finally one day, it was a Sunday afternoon during the Masters, she came in. And I said, they’re watching the the end of end of the round. And she came in and she says, I’m tired of how much time I’m spending watching TV. On the weekends, I’m going to go start doing things differently. I’m going to go out with some friends on the weekends. I’m gonna go do some things in the community on the week. Again, sometimes I’ll take the kids with me, sometimes I won’t, and they’re going to be your responsibility. But I’m just letting you know, I’m tired of how much time I’m spending watching TV on the weekends. When she phrased it like that. I knew immediately the game changed. Yeah, because she was now saying something she has complete control of. If she’s trying to get me to do something different, she does not have control of that. She could manipulate manufacture it in a lot of different ways. You know, she could walk around naked and say, Hey, we want to you want to not watch TV and about Yeah. But, but it’s still I mean, it’s that’s still hurt, something she can’t control. She can influence but she can’t control it. But when she phrased it that way, she just changed the game to where I am now. I’m like, Oh, man. Now I have to decide, you know, do I really want to spend time with her because I don’t see her during the week, sometimes anyway, other than the evenings. And if I if she’s an important part of my life, I need to make choices. And so that kind of, to me, that’s the dynamic of what married life really is on life terms. That yeah, if it’s scary as can be, though, because you know, she makes that call, it could have very easily been okay, I guess I’ll see when we go on vacation together, you know, right? Because maybe I don’t want to give up stuff. And that’s stuff that we still kind of battle because there’s times where she’s like, I want to go do this. I’m like, Okay, then I’ll see you when you get back. I’m gonna stay here and do this. And, yeah, but it’s both of us taking more responsibility for ourselves is the goal.
17:36
Yeah, yeah. Interesting. I like that. Because just like you said, about needing versus wanting, you know, before she could have said, I need you to change, I need you to
17:46
different. And that’s, that’s often what we’re saying. And that’s the undercurrent of what we complain about is, yeah, I need you to change that behavior, because it influences and impacts me and I don’t like the way it impacts me. Right, cite the different I mean, the a good takeaway, that I use this with my clients. Yeah, times is like if just as an example, that if if they can get heated with their partner, and let’s say their partner starts to get real emotionally reactive, and me crosses the line starts to get personal changes subject to make it stuff about you know, about them, rather than what’s going on. One way to handle that, if you especially if you’re handle this on the phone is, if you want to continue to talk to me this way, we will not be talking. And they do they just hang up. And that simple way to kind of take charge of what you can handle. Yeah, and, but it’s just recognizing what’s my responsibility in this because I contribute to it. And if I’ll own my contribution, I can change what happens. But I also risk losing everything when I do that. And that’s important thing to realize.
18:59
And how do you mean, so they, they risk losing everything?
19:02
If I, if my wife is is adamant, well, let me use a different example. If I’m adamant based on the fact that we traveled for a month, and it was fantastic. She loved it. I’m pushing to try to do it full time. You know, let’s let’s you have a full time let’s travel ever sell everything and just travel. That’d be such a fun year or two. Yeah, she’s I don’t know, you know, well, if I’m adamant that I want to do that, and in me beating myself means I load up everything and leave. Well, she may not be around when I get back. Gotcha. So yeah, that’s a oversimplification of what’s going on. But it’s a reality of what’s going on, you know, if I stand up, or if you stand up to your husband for something that yeah, that, you know, he wants her enjoys or whatever, and you’re like, you know what, I don’t I don’t want to do this. I don’t like Chinese food anymore. I only want in food. And he’s a hold on. I grew up on it and you risk the relationship and that’s just the Reality, but we can’t act like it’s not there. That’s just the reality of it.
20:05
Right? Right, right, right. Yep. Yep. That’s good. That’s good. I want to ask you being that you do sexy marriage, and I’m interested in? How does sex help us to grow up? Because that’s a huge part of marriage. I’m interested if you got ideas of that.
20:22
Okay. Well, to me, I think you boil it down to the idea that the way we do life is how we do sex. And how we, how we do sex is how we’ll do life, those two are always interchangeable. So for your listeners, if if they will take some time today, tomorrow, whenever and kind of look through the lens of their sex life as a language. Well show them in mirror how they also do life. So a lot of times, if I want to take a challenging step to really confront something that bothers me in my life, yeah, sometimes that happens in sex. You know, it could be well, actually, it happens both ways that happen sex and it also happens outside of the bedroom. So maybe I want my wife to take more initiative. Something, well, that could be in bed, but it also could be with other areas of life. Yeah. So if I want to really grow up, I’ve got to step up and say, You know what, honey, I really wish you would, whatever. And I see if she does it or not, but me saying it, is what I’m responsible for. That’s all I can’t make her hat. I can’t make her do it. And maybe I need to challenge it. I mean, yeah, you made a comment. Right? Before we started, you know, off air. This is kind of a personal side plus professional conversation. Yeah. So on the personal side, first, the first five years of my marriage, sex was all one sided about me. And I feel really bad for my wife now thinking about it. This, it really sucked, because I was I was a horrible lover. Because it was all about me. It was just my anxiety release and my desire to want to feel needed. And yeah, so sex was just a manipulation for me to have an orgasm. That’s all it was. It was not at all about her pleasure. Yeah, yeah. So as that unfolds, you know, she is a very smart woman. And she realized early on, you know, it’s easier to say I don’t like sex, than it is to say, I don’t like sex with you, because I don’t get anything out of it. But the latter is more true. Because not a woman that doesn’t like sex. She’s a woman that likes sex. It’s just she, the first five years, she didn’t like me. And I don’t blame her. So I had to confront my own inadequacies, and my own selfishness and my own porn issues, and my own, just junk that I brought into the table that was just unrealistic, and learn how to be a better lover. Yeah, so now, where I am now at 44. You know, if she was to say, I don’t like sex with you, I’d be like a woman, you’re crazy. You know, what I’m doing now, I’m a grown man, that it’s not all about me, that this could be just about you, if that’s what you want. And so it’s a chance that if I, if you look at it through the lens of her responsibility, is to take care of her desires and wants as well, and seek them, not just accommodate to mine. So when she finally stood up and said it, it, it hurt on my side, but it was true. So I had to then learn and, and confront and challenge myself on. Okay, you know what, you’re right. Let’s, let’s deal with let me let me give me some time that I’ll fix that, you know, let me yeah, let me own that. And then let’s see what we can what happens?
23:55
Yeah. Well, so for the husbands that are out there listening and like, oh, my gosh, maybe this is the scales coming up, or their eyes just right, that they have been selfish in this area? I mean, are there some practical pointers that you can give to those husbands?
24:12
The best thing I ask. I just think of this in terms of when I work with clients. And we just did a show on this on sexy marriage radio that that is called sex every day. And oh, cool. And it was one because typically, whoever the high desire is that’s pushing the cart for I want sex every day. They act like it’s so great and wonderful. And their partners like yeah, sometimes, you know, the rest Yeah, rest of the time. I’m just a receptacle for your penis. And that’s a lot of fun for me. So, right, it’s learned so I what I asked in this, what I would ask to the husbands that are kind of wondering, well, what if that’s me, is how do you handle it when you don’t get it? You know, crumble and pout and throw a tantrum. Or do you are you solid enough to say okay, I get it. Yeah. Because it could be what you’re offering to your wife is not worth wanting for her. So lots of times, this is just my theory. Yeah, times the, the person that keeps rejecting sex has the better view of what’s going on. Because the sex that they’re having isn’t worth wanting. Because it is too one sided, or it is, you know, he’s got an issue that he won’t, he won’t confront he through ejaculation, you know, that he won’t, he won’t do anything about it. And he blames her. Well, hello, hold on. She’s a part of it. Yes. But maybe you got to learn to get something under control and learn how to be a better lover and add more foreplay. So she enjoys it more. And then you can have your or maybe you need to learn to slow down. And yeah, and maybe you need to be learned to be more engaged in not just routine. And, you know, because men Yeah, no, man, we fall victim to the do what works last time. And, you know, if I figure out what button push to push on my wife that really brings her to push it every time. And you know, just worked. And yet, well, if you’re building something, that’s good philosophy, but if you’re making love, that’s not always the philosophy. To change it up.
26:19
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Wow, that’s great, great advice. I love that you said the way we do sex is the way we do life. And would you even let us know? So for example, when you’re patient in life, that means you’re going to be patient in the bedroom? Is that kind of how you’re talking about it?
26:35
Maybe it can, it’s I think it’s going to be more that if you look through the idea of what are the things that you really struggle with? When it comes to having somebody be close to you? Yeah, that you’re going to have that face, you’re going to face that in your life. If you are risk averse in your life, you’re going to be risk averse in bed. If you are I want things just a certain way, then that’s the way sex is kind of be, you know, no, no, no, hold on, you just deviated from the script. You can’t do that you’re supposed to stay doing this. And, and so it’s recognizing, okay, maybe, you know, if I’m OCD in my household does, maybe I’m probably OCD and sex. And yeah. And so I’ve got to learn. And that’s a great way I could change things up and challenge myself. Yeah, you know, if sex is always supposed to be missionary position, well, what if as a wife, and I start stopping in the middle of it and say, Hold on, I want up on top of you. Yeah, that’s a challenge of myself to do it. And it could be a challenge of him. Because it’s like, oh, I can’t, I can’t finish in this position, or I can’t and then you bring a whole nother world into the interplay of, yeah, okay, now you’re both having to confront yourselves in the presence of each other. And that’s where it starts to get really cool. Then you start to get more of you present and more of you able to handle another person because you can handle yourself better.
28:09
Yeah, yeah, that’s good. And it sounds like you learn a lot of this just through practice. Yeah.
28:14
What? Yeah, this is me. Nothing prepares you for marriage. But marriage. So yeah, that’s good. on the job training and sex. Yeah, definitely the same way, especially in marriage, because you’re having sex with somebody you live life with. That’s where the day that’s where the dating world that gets off the rails. You know, I’m not a proponent of sex before and outside of marriage. I think it’s best in marriage. But that’s just that’s what my belief is. I don’t people don’t have to love what I believe. But it works for me. And the beauty of it is that because I share life with my wife, yeah, that I’m confronted with things more when we have sex, because I know, and I can read her differently. And it’s Yeah, so if I, if she really wants me to be with her present in emotional, I have to and that’s kind of not my strong suit. Sometimes. I want to just disengage and just go all physical. And just yeah, just make it about the pleasure. And she’s like, No, no, no, hold on. I want I want more of you here. I want more of a connection with you. And I’m like, hold on. I am here now. Not your body. I want you. Yeah, that means I got to bring myself to that occasion. Not just fantasize my way to orgasm. That’s a whole different ballgame.
29:33
Yeah, so I’ve never heard that before. Could you say that again? Or explain that a little bit. fantasize your way through orgasm? You don’t mind?
29:42
Alright, let me frame it this way. Wow. We’re getting we’re getting deep on some of this. I
29:46
appreciate it.
29:47
I love it. Because this is a lot of people don’t talk about and yeah. I had a client I was working with last night that she made that exact same comment as we were talking she said you know, nobody refers to it this way. I’m like, Whoa, yeah, everybody else is wrong. That’s my belief. So that’s right. It’s the idea that we have, we have sex up to the level of anxiety we can tolerate. Wow, that’s just the reality. And so a lot of times, as you got all this multiplicity of stuff that’s happening in the middle of sex, you’ve got the pleasure, you’ve got the mental, you’ve got the emotional, and you got the spiritual, right. So you got physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. So all of those are inaction. And if you’re with somebody that you’ve known for a while, because you’re married to him, then all of those can be derailed pretty easily. Because, you know, I know my wife’s facial expressions, you know, and I know when she’s frustrated, I know when she’s disconnected, I know when she’s just going through the act, I know when all of those stuff. So if I read that in her, that puts a pressure on me to decide, am I okay with her not being present other than physical? Or do I want her really involved? Yeah, you know, do I want her engaged and enjoying this. And so, lots of times, anytime something gets uncomfortable in the middle of sex, we will just disconnect. And we’ll focus on the physical, which is interesting, because you know, if, you know, for most women, if they’re going to have any kind of orgasm, the clitoris has got to be involved. Right. So you know, what only 25% of women can have vaginal orgasms during during intercourse. I mean, that’s kind of what the research shows. Sometimes it can be skewed to 30%. But, but it’s still not a lot of women, they’re gonna achieve orgasm, just from penal, vaginal intercourse, right out clitoral stimulation. And he can do that with it with his body with his fingers, you know, while he’s inside her, but it’s still, that’s if that’s not involved. Lots of women cannot achieve orgasm. So if, if she’s all of a sudden not engaged, and I’m like, wait, hold on, am I okay with this? Or is this you know, then I’m faced with Wait, I need to get back involved, or I want you involved? So am I willing to stop and risk losing everything? Or do I just start focusing on my own sensations so I can get it over with and be done? And that’s kind of Yeah, going on on both sides. A lot of times. That’s why Yeah, a lot of times a wife would be like, you know, she’s going through it to do list or, yeah, a article she read online or something while she’s hoping he’ll get done quick so that she can move on with her day. So she’s at fault for that, but he’s at fault for accepting it. You know, it’s so it’s like, Hold on a sec. There’s a whole lot more going on. Yeah. And so it’s recognizing all of that and being willing to risk everything. Because when this played out in my marriage, yeah, when I grew into becoming a better lover and learning how to be more comfortable being present, that challenged my wife to have to own her staff. And her staff was, you know, coming to grips with not being objectified, and being okay. objectified by our husband. And yeah, no, and, and all of this.
33:18
Okay, I know that we had to stop that short. But Dr. Allen gives so much more information on the second half that’s coming out on Thursday. So definitely listen into that. And before I let you go, today, I want to give you a free gift. Basically, I don’t know if your story is anything like mine. But after I was introduced to different flavors of sex, I generally didn’t know what to do, and how to implement them in my marriage. And so it took quite a lot of research. But I have been able to uncover the four stages of his best oral orgasm and that’s the guide I want to give you for free. It took quite a lot of research, but I wanted to give that to you for free once you sign up at delight your marriage.com/four stages. Now that’s the number four S T A G E ‘s, you can you can sign up for that as soon as you can. And you’ll receive it right away. So whether you’re in the future or not, that’s the place to get to it. delight your marriage.com/four stages. And that’s a free PDF. Check that out and I will talk to you on Thursday. God bless you praying for you love you. We’ll talk soon.
34:28
Thanks for joining. If you’ve been inspired by this show, would you help spread the word? If you take a moment to review and subscribe others can find us more easily. Find out how to delight your marriage.com forward slash iTunes. Until next time, live with love, wisdom impassion