Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Hi there! Belah here. Today is Part II of my interview with Dr. Corey Allen of Simple Marriage and the Sexy Marriage Radio podcast. We are back with a more interesting conversation on intimacy. On this episode, he goes takes us into lots of serious stuff—he talks about premature and delayed ejaculation, femininity and masculinity, and the importance of learning the human anatomy! You’ve got to get to know your spouse’s body! Listen in as he gives out tips and advice that will surely up your bedroom game.
Check out Part I at delightyourmarriage.com/54
Through research and study, I’ve discovered the secrets I wish someone told me years ago! Receive my free gift: “The 4 Stages To His Best Oral Orgasm” by going to delightyourmarriage.com/4stages
You’ll Discover:
- How a husband should slow down and figure out what her wife wants or what makes her want sex
- The difference between inviting and receiving, sexually
- How a husband’s masculinity affects a wife’s femininity
- How taking control and changing routine could actually help your sex life
- How to deal with premature and delayed ejaculation—for both husbands and wives!
Books & Resources Mentioned:
- Married Life 911 by Dr. Corey Allen
- The Sexy Marriage Radio Getaway
- Delight Your Husband ebook by Belah Rose
Tweetables:
- Husbands, there is a huge difference between your wife serving you and you receiving her.
- Wives, there is a difference between you inviting your husband into your presence and merely receiving him.
- Let go of the outcome and let connection take the lead.
- I believe that wives want to be the first officers, not the captains. And they want their husbands to be the captain.
- Men have an influence on their wife to want sex more.
Thanks for listening! I hope you are encouraged to live in wholehearted intimacy!
Love,
Belah
—
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Transcript
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah. Rose.
0:17
Hi there, and welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. If this is your first time, I want to say welcome. And thank you. This is a show that comes out every Tuesday and Thursday, where we talk about the real stuff, the stuff that matters in your marriage, and really to get you to the place where you’re looking back and you’re like 80 years old, and you have had a wonderfully and fulfilling marriage. That is my desire for you, my dear wife. This is mostly for wives. But I know there are some husbands that listen, so hello to you as well. Today, we are going into the second half of Dr. Corey Allen’s conversation, and it’s just awesome. He shares about delayed ejaculation and talks about the difference between inviting and receiving your partner. And he talks about basically getting you to the next level of making love. And I think he’s just got some great material. I don’t want you to miss it. So let’s go ahead and dive in.
1:32
Yeah, that’s awesome. That’s awesome. And I love that you say that you’re risking everything. Because if you do pause and be like, Honey, what’s going on? Then? Yeah, there could be, you know, that’s what tears and
1:44
changed it for us. One of the we have several different pivotal moments of our marriage, both in bed and out, you know, just for various times that you know, the real, the real leap of faith. Scary times are what really changed us. Yeah. So what changed us for us in with sex in this regard, was we had kind of gone through this, this turmoil of me learning to be better, and slow down and figure out what makes her enjoy it and connect and but there was still a level of times where it was just she was accommodating me. And yeah, and so for, there’s sometimes like, okay, yeah, I’m cool with that. But sometimes I’ve grown I found myself growing more and more with I’m not I’m not cool with this, you know, I can I can pleasure myself and get the same results. You know, so yeah, if I’m with you, I want something different. I don’t want just release all the time. And so, as we were going through it, I picked up from her, she was not into it. She was still there. She wasn’t saying no, she was just kind of accommodating. And so normally, I would have just powered through and finished and then moved on with my day. Which sounds horrible if you think about it. But this time, I took the risk of I stopped in mid in mid course and just said, Where are you what’s going on? And she says, sorry, baby, I’m just not there. And so Alright, so I actually got up out of bed. And I wasn’t mean, I wasn’t harsh, or powdi. I just looked her in the eye said baby, I want you when we’re doing this. And when you’re not here, I don’t want it. And when I turned to walk away, I realized I might have just walked away from sex with her forever. Because I put pressure on her now to decide to do I want this as part of my life or not. And that’s not my responsibility to make her want to be part of her life. It’s hers. And so she had to face it, and deal with it. And that meant the next time we had sex, it’s pretty awkward to because we’re both kind of mean each other of are you really into this, are you not? Am I you know, and yeah, now all sudden, we just changed the whole playing field. And that’s where you can’t act like that’s not also happening outside of the bedroom. You know, the rest of our marriage was this was different too, because the way we interacted with each other was was changed.
4:00
Yes. Yes. That is so good. Yeah. And so that that was a pivotal moment. Was that earlier on, like, before this, like everything changes that?
4:13
Oh, no, no, this this major. Yeah, this was this was only like 10 years ago, you know? So this was 1212 years into our marriage. 11 years. Ms. Before we started having kids, but it was also something that took quite a while. You know, I had to grow to be courageous enough to bring it up. Yeah, it was a whole lot easier just for me to you know, continue to go as was. Yeah, rock the boat. Right. Also, the downs still be upset. Yeah, this thing you know, a guy sitting there saying he’s upset about the sex he’s having. But yeah, but I was realizing Wait, there’s I had had more experiences with her that were great as she would say the same. I wanted more of that.
4:58
Wow. What would you say to a husband? who’s listening? He’s like, Yeah, almost every time we do it, I know that she’s not. She’s not involved. She’s not there. What are some action points that he can do?
5:11
Well, he’s one, it’s just a question of Is he willing to take the risk of? If that’s not what he wants? Is he willing to go without it? If that’s what it means? Yeah. Because that’s that you can’t act like it’s not there. Once Once you acknowledge it. Now, you’re just trying to play dumb. And typically, that’s not attractive in a partner. So yeah, it was down to if, if I’m, if I’m having sex, that’s not worth it. Why am I having it?
5:41
Huh? Yeah. And and yeah, like you said, there’s definitely marriages out there that are probably even wondering like, well, at least you were having sex. We weren’t even doing that. Or we’re not even doing that. I mean, right. Yeah, no, no, I
5:55
get it. But it’s one that it’s Yeah, I mean, you can. It’s not necessarily where you have to take the whole, I’m taking it off the table until it’s exactly the way I want. Because if you’re having sex, it’s still sex. Yeah. So yeah, what could you do in the middle of it, that changes it? And it’s not, it doesn’t necessarily have to be. Hold on. I’m done until you’re around more. It could also just be, you know, I look back on that whole instance with my wife and son and think I could have also said, Hey, what’s going on? Well, I’m just not into it. Okay. Do we back up? A little bit? You know, yeah. Would you like me to try something else? Or, you know, yeah, what do you think? And we could have just held each other, we could have done different things, and maybe brought it about, but, but just by disrupting it is what changed it? That’s what mattered? Yeah. Got to be, you know, you get up from your husband and just say, you know, what, until you really are not ever having it with you, again. Yeah, that maybe that’s the move you make, but it could also just be, you know, you’ve had a normal routine with your husband. That doesn’t really work for you is close, but not really. Yeah. So what you’ve what your normal route would be, and I’m putting you on the spot here. belah. So your normal route would be would be, I’ll just kind of roll with it. You know, I don’t have to be as fully engaged. He’s fine. He seems fine with it. But you’re sitting there deep down seething going. No, he’s not doing it for me. So but if you were to just say, Hold on a sec. How about you get on your back? And I’m going to go this way. And you come in? And maybe that’s so foreign to who you normally are? You’re going to freak him out to a degree. But yeah, so my totally turned him off on because he’s like, Finally, she’s in Yes. And she’s going after what she wants. And that’s the dichotomy that we face. Of, yeah. How do we give and be engaged with our partner, but still seek what we want?
7:55
Yeah, yeah, no, that’s good. And it kind of is reminiscent of what you were talking about earlier on, were in charge of ourselves, and risking it all or not. But I want to ask you, you did mention about just a little bit of early ejaculation. Premature ejaculation. What about the flip side of that? What about those that have the stamina? Can you give some helpful tips for wives and husbands to kind of you said, like, the for the wife to kind of, alright, let’s wrap things up. You know? What if? What if it is going way too long?
8:29
Oh, so it’s delayed ejaculation now? That’s right. Okay, so now, now you just have to start to explore what is it that actually helps you cross the finish line. And typically, most couples I’ve ever worked with that have had this issue that will disclose it. Typically, their issue is for them to actually achieve orgasm. They have to disconnect to achieve it. So he has to fantasize or talk dirty or, you know, she’s got to do something specific or whatever. And, yeah, so it’s, it’s realizing first and foremost, alright, let me rephrase all of this. I guess first and foremost, the sex has to always acute include orgasm and ejaculation. Hmm, who says it has to? You know, would you have fantastic sex with either have you not orgasm? Yeah, yeah, I would guess You mean, obviously that increases it because there’s the dopamine that’s released in the brain that’s associated with an orgasm, and that the bond that you have with your partner that you created, so the more orgasms you have together, the more bonds you have. That’s just on a biological brain level. Yeah, incidentally, it’s the same kind of bond if you go through tragedy together in that kind of interesting. Got the two different extremes, but they produce the same chemical in your brain. But we have different vastly different meanings attached to both of those. But it’s, it’s still so it’s trying to uncover Okay, so what’s really going on to help you get across the Finish Line. You know, could it be if she were to change it up and be more aggressive? Would that bring it about faster? Or could it be if he were to just slow down and let her use her skills? Would that bring it about faster? Because lots of times when you’re talking about delayed ejaculation, it’s most the time, it’s just a guy powering through, you know, it’s just sheer willpower. And that’s not sexy. I’m sorry, that’s just not sexy. That’s not learning to be receptive. That’s just exerting your own power. And so sometimes, you know, it’s just that ability to say, have your wife say, Hold on? Let me take over for a little bit. You know, I know you let me see if I can bring this about. And he’s got to learn to lay back and just receive and that’s for a lot of guys. Yeah, yeah. You know, a lot of guys think that, you know, receiving they’re like, Oh, I love it, when she’s willing to give me a blowjob, or, you know, all that. But what really, do you? Or is it? Is it all just a dynamic of power, that she’s serving you, but you’re not really receiving her? There’s a huge difference. Hmm, we knows. And women are more adept at receiving largely because of just biological design, I mean, to have sex, you have to receive the penis, you know, so. So it’s, it’s, but you also have to learn to invite that in not just there’s a difference. I mean, think about it from your experience. Well, as a woman, there’s a difference between you inviting your husband into your presence and just receiving Him.
11:37
Yeah, very true. So very true learning
11:39
that goes on on both sides. So how does a man learn to invite his wife into His presence and her presence into his and so all of that is going on? And it just depends on how well can you handle all the anxiety that that produces? Because that’s going to dictate what happens?
12:00
Hmm. And when you say all the anxiety that that produces, what do you mean by that?
12:05
Well, so if you’re sitting there having sex, and you’ve got delayed ejaculation issues, and you have also at the same time, an issue of if I don’t orgasm, then I’m not a man. So I don’t I feel uncomplete or, or diminished in some capacity. Yeah, then you do everything you can to start freaking out on Oh, what do I got to do to finish? So it becomes just total goal oriented? Yeah, rather than? Okay, wait, I got a chance to spend this time with a beautiful woman. Yeah, a woman who loves me and shares this with me. And what if I were to actually say, You know what? I’m having a little trouble. Can we try something different? You know, what if I was just acknowledged that? Yeah, she’s probably reading it anyway. So why not? Just be honest, you know, yeah. So, because it’s, it’s the same thing that I that happened with my wife of, hey, where are you? You know, yeah, you can probably read, okay, you’re just trying to finish, aren’t you? You’re not anywhere with me anymore. Where are ya? You know, it’s the same kind of a thing. So yeah, what if she were to invite him back in of like, Hey, I’m right here. And I can help, you know, and or if he were to say, Okay, what if we slow down and, and we do this, or I feel like I’ve just connected and I want to and so you just let go the outcome? Yeah, the connection. Take the lead. And yeah, I like,
13:40
yeah, let go of the outcome and let connection take the lead. Right. Well,
13:45
I love that I, you know, Buddhistic philosophy is attached to the outcome is the source of all suffering. So Hmm. Interest anytime I get too focused on an outcome. I set myself up for suffering. That’s just the way it is. Yeah,
14:01
yeah. Yeah. No, that’s good. Well, well, we’ve gotten. Yeah, like you said, so deep. I’m really grateful for all that you shared on all this. I want to ask you, you did share a little bit about what your marriage was like. Back then, and kind of the process that you’ve gone through. Can you tell us a little bit about what your marriage looks like now?
14:22
Oh, yeah. I’ll gladly tell you about that. Yeah, it’s because we’ve been on a seven to 10 year, just reaching points. I never thought we could. As far as just watching. I mean, just watching my wife challenged herself, in ways that normally I would have been blamed for is Oh, wow. Pretty fantastic. Yeah, you know, just because it’s so easy. Just to have you know, when something goes wrong to blame our partners like how we started the show. Yeah. And instead what I’ve seen is a woman that will you know what That’s on me to hold on that, you know, I’m sorry about the way I didn’t handle that well, so I’m sorry about that, or, you know it, what it’s done is it’s allowed us to align with each other more, and not blame each other for things, which has just been fun, because it brings about a woman that I don’t have to take care of. It’s a woman I have to work to stay with. And that’s a whole different dynamic to be to be able to say, Wow, I do not want to lose you. And I got to make sure I do I take care of my side
15:36
of stuff. That’s awesome. And that’s a lot more sexy. It was true and
15:40
inviting have in it. And what I have found is by me doing that, it draws what I’ve always wanted out of her out of her. Yeah, yeah. Cuz I believe the masculine because that’s, you know, I don’t I don’t know your audience completely. But, yeah, one of the things that, that I hear most is husbands that want their wife to want to have sex more. Right, right. You know, I want her to want it more. You know, it’s not just a comedy, but I want her to want it. Right. And what a lot of men and husbands don’t realize is they have an influence on that, that she can’t necessarily create that want on her own. She can maybe confront the things that get in the way of it. And then that could be childhood things that could be past relationship, things that could be early exposure, things, guilt, shame, all kinds of things that could still be in there, that kind of derail it. But there’s still a component that he can draw that out of her just because of the hill, the dynamics of masculinity and femininity, that I think masculinity can awaken femininity in that regard. And so lots of times by his presence, it can invite that out of her a little bit more than he thinks, and most of the time, most the time he’s not successful, because he’s not doing it well.
17:02
Wow. Can you talk a little bit? I mean, what, how can you do it? Well?
17:08
Well, I think it’s it’s the, it’s really the idea of not being ashamed of it and not being goal oriented with it. Because lots of times husbands was hear this and think, Oh, well, that, you know, that just means we’re gonna have more sex. Well, it’s not just that, it’s also you’re going to stand up for her. It’s also you’re going to take a lead at times for your family and for the relationship. Because most men, most husbands fall victim to the, you know, the phone call comes in from the Wi Fi, we’ll do we’re going to grill out tonight. Do you want chicken? Or do you want steak? And his response is I don’t care whichever one is easiest for you. Which is true, but what she just offered you as a chance to make a decision because she doesn’t really want to. Yeah, and so into that if if you’ll just make a simple decision, you take that off her plate, and you all right, so kind of take a lead and her because I really believe. And I think this is a biblical kind of component. I believe most wives want to be first officers, not captains. And they want the husband to be the captain. And that doesn’t mean I lead and Lord over her. It just means when it comes down to the big decisions, I’ll step up and make them if that’s what it takes. But I want your influence and your input. I’m not just going to lord over it my way. Yeah, I’m going to be about what I think we need to be about as a family. And that allows a wife to kind of rest and relax into her feminine side. And yeah, so lots of men, lots of husbands just missed that opportunity to step up and just say, and then when it comes to sex, they just ask and they’re too timid. And that just isn’t going to turn on a woman. Right? You know, your husband come in to say, hey, so it’s been a while. You’re interested in little sex tonight, you know, enough the opportunity to say no, easily. Because that’s not anything that’s going to get you kind of wet and going, you know, it’s like, yeah, no, that’s not exciting and sexy at all. But if he comes to you and says, Hey, I want you I want you naked in my bed tonight. Oh, that’s a little different of like, that is that’s an announcing of an intention. That maybe it happens. Maybe it doesn’t. But what he’s done is he’s announced an intention. Yeah. Or, or if he comes right up to you. And just real confidently, you know, in Ay, ay ay Look, just says, Hey, here’s what I’m going to do to you tonight. And you last time you really liked it. You know, that’s a whole different ballgame because now you just access a different part of her brain. Right? It’s not about the managing the world. It’s, it’s about being a woman. And right so it’s it’s learn and this is just learned stuff because most men were raised by women, and there’s an undercurrent of men They’re bad. And men sex drive is bad. And yeah, so you know, I’ve had to grow and learn that my desires are, there’s nothing wrong with them. Right? You know what I do with them? Yeah, that could be right or wrong. But yeah, the fact that I have a high desire for my wife sexually, there’s nothing wrong with them. So I don’t need to temper that necessarily for her sake. I needed to learn to channel it well, for her.
20:25
Yeah. That’s fantastic. I wish we could talk so much more. So I am going to probably run through these, these last couple questions, if you don’t mind. So the chief three things that you feel have been central to your marital success if you can name them.
20:42
The main three things? Yeah. Probably the fact that we’ve both learned to grow up and stand on our own two feet. So that neither of us have to hold the other up. The fact that my wife had commitment when the times were the realest, the toughest, and hung and hung with me and made me stay. But that’s, that’s a big one, because I’m a runner. And yeah, so when we hit the deepest, darkest parts of our marriage, she, I wanted to run and she’s like, No, you’re not going anywhere. We’re talking this through, you know, we’re working this through sauce. And then the other is just the the kingdom story. And I probably put those out of order. This is probably the best, the biggest one is that we’ve we’ve learned to see that our role in the kingdom, and to help other people and to live life with other people. Helps keep us a better perspective, that, that neither of us are the center of the universe. You know that there’s, yeah, there’s a bigger story of God’s Kingdom going on here. And what role can we play in that adventure? Yeah, thanks. That helps keep a better perspective, rather than throwing a tantrum when I don’t get my way.
21:58
Hmm, that’s awesome. I love that. Well, and we’ve talked about intimacy a lot so far, but would you be willing to share a tip that you wish someone let you in on earlier?
22:09
When it comes to intimacy and sex? Yes. Learn? Yeah, I didn’t learn this. I was 32. Yeah, take a human anatomy of course. Oh, that’s good. That’s just because there’s lots of women that don’t know their body. Yeah. And, and they don’t know husband’s body. I mean, the penis seems kind of simple. You know, it’s like, all of its sensitive, and he likes it. But right. There’s other parts of him. And there’s parts of the penis that are that are spectacular. Giant, like there’s parts of a vulva, which is the feet the medical terminology for a woman’s reproductive area, I guess the easiest way? Yeah, it’s not a vagina. That’s a component of the vulva. Yes, but learning that and knowing what parts feel what and and where the clitoris is. And, you know, I didn’t know any of that. I thought I did. But porn is not a good education. No, but yeah, because yeah, I hear that women, you know, women aren’t just sexually aggressive. So Right. You know, I got I got to learn how to turn that part on. Right. And so human anatomy is huge. Yeah, no, that’s good. I wish I would have done that when I was younger. But I probably would have been too hard to read some of that and been, you know, yeah. Right. Rather than recognizing, wait, hold on, this can actually serve Me and her better so.
23:34
Right. Right. Yeah, I have a book called delight your husband. And it goes into those specifics, because it’s something that I wish I had learned earlier, too. So that’s really good. But now, due to the specific marriage that you have had, what opportunities have you had to serve and get to know God?
23:55
I think just on a day to day basis, that watching my wife’s spiritual journey, because she, she is one of those prayer warrior women, that when it comes time for something that we are uncertain about or I’ve got going on, it’s humbling to bring it to her because I know it’s going to be prayed about. And so that challenges me and where I fail, in that regard, of not taking the devoted time, like she does. And so, on a personal level, that’s where I see it. It’s just sometimes it’s very humbling to to be out prayed by my wife. And so that that’s kind of, you know, the just this morning, you know, I was just lounging in bed still. And she came in and was like, you know, hey, our son gets up too early. He’s disrupting my time. And so she’s like, she made a comment. Sometimes I get him to pray with me and I’m like, That’s awesome baby. And she said, But this morning, you get to I’m like, oh, okay, let’s go, you know, but it just kind of caught me off guard. And and it’s just one of those. Wow, that’s, that’s impressive.
25:10
Wow, praise God that is so good. Wow, well, is there a book or program that you would specifically recommend to our listeners?
25:21
Well, a couple things come to mind I guess I have if, if I have a course Yes, I have a course called married life 911 That’s online. And it says to at your own pace from the comfort of your own home. And it’s the closest thing to working with me that’s without actually working with me. So that’s, that’s the option I send a lot of people just because it can help reframe, like what we’re talking about. It just walks you through a new paradigm of how to view what’s going on in marriage. Yeah, to see that what you’re really struggling with probably means there’s nothing going wrong. It’s just maybe you’re not looking at it. Right? Yeah. So if you can reframe it, you can change it. And so it’s an it’s just a course that allows you to kind of get a whole different perspective and then what to do with it. And you can find it find that it’s simple marriage dotnet. Then the other thing is, I’m not sure when this airs, but September, a couple Yeah, September 17. To the 20th. The sexy marriage radio Getaway is happening here in Dallas. And it’s four days of a getaway at the Marriott Selena just north of the Dallas Fort Worth airport. And okay, it’s four days with Shannon and I. And it’s truly is going to be a getaway. But it’s also going to be some fantastic material that we’re that we’re going to unpack more. That will be along the lines. But so we’re trying to make that real good balance of you don’t come home from a retreat tired. You come home, refreshed and energized because you had a whole lot of time with your spouse. Yeah. So if you come home tired, it’s just because of what you and your spouse were doing. Not seminars all the time. So we’re trying to blend that vacation versus with workshop. Cool, truly is a getaway for people.
27:19
That sounds amazing. That sounds really wonderful. Awesome. Cool. Okay, well, my last question for you is, if you could go back to year one of marriage? What is one piece of advice that you would give you
27:33
during year one?
27:35
Yes.
27:36
probably slow down. Because I had so I look back on it. There were so many expectations of what, what we wanted what I thought it should be. So it’s probably just slow down a little bit. Yeah. And enjoy. It’s either that or don’t do the big wedding. Do a small one at a Caribbean vacation? Oh, yeah, just to do something different. Because if we look back on it now and go, you know, there were lots of people there. But did it really mean that much? You know, it would have how much more fun would it have been? Have we just taken some really close friends and gone somewhere together and had a blast together?
28:22
Hmm. Sounds like you could renew your vows in such a place
28:27
that, like very promising to look. Yeah. So. Or, if nothing else, let’s just I just want to take her to such a place. So
28:34
there you go. Yeah, that’s right. No, that’s awesome. Oh, my gosh. Well, so lastly, where can our audience find and connect with you?
28:43
Simple marriage dotnet. That’s, that’s my home online. All my therapy and coaching stuff is there because I work with people from all over the world via webcam. And so you start there. And then I’m pretty easy to track down because my phone numbers even listed on my site. So I get I get random calls at times. leader or listener, so I’m cool with that. That’s why I put it out there.
29:12
That’s awesome. Wow. Well, and we’ll have all the links to marry life. 911 and the other resources. Thank you. Yeah, no, this has been amazing. Thank you so much, Dr. Allen. I just appreciate it so much. Yeah, it’s
29:24
been fun. If if we want to go if you got more, let’s just do more later. That’d be fun. Yeah,
29:30
I would love that. I would love that. Okay, well, we’ll talk to you soon. Wasn’t that awesome? Are you so excited to try these things out now that Dr. Cory gave us so many ideas and insights? it’s hopefully going to just jumpstart some things for you in your marriage. And I want to tell you about a free resource that I’m offering as a free gift to you. It’s Quite a lot of research and study behind it, but I’ve dumbed it down as quickly and easily as possible so that you can get a bunch of value from it. So I’m talking about my guide to the four stages of his best oral orgasm. That’s right, I spell out exactly what it is step one, step two, step three, step four, and I want to give that to you for free. So go to delight your marriage.com/four stages. Again, that’s delight your marriage.com the number four stages. Sta je s. Okay. Well, thank you so much for spending time with me and Dr. Allen today. I hope it’s been of great value to you and your marriage. God bless you. I love you and we’ll talk more soon.
30:48
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion