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Hi there! Belah here. Today is Part II of my interview with Debi Walter of theromanticvineyard.com. On this episode, she looks back at the hardships she had gone through in all the 30-plus years of her marriage to husband Tom, including the pain of letting go of her children as they grow up and live their own lives. It’s inspiring how when she talks about these hardships, she is careful to note that all we go through, all struggles and pain and heartaches, are there for a reason. And that there is a lesson behind each hardship, and it’s important that we realize that. Debi has got a lot of stories to tell, and you really shouldn’t miss out. In her stories, there is a valuable takeaway that could all get! So join us on this chat and be inspired!

Check out Part I at delightyourmarriage.com/56

Through research and study, I’ve discovered the secrets I wish someone told me years ago! Receive my free gift: “The 4 Stages To His Best Oral Orgasm” by going to delightyourmarriage.com/4stages

marriage advice

You’ll Discover:

  • What Debi and her husband’s marriage looks like now, after all the struggles they’ve been through
  • How we should be at ease with not having everything figured out
  • How our hardships and struggles have a meaning and that we should not take them for granted
  • How we should not let the world dictate what is dirty when it comes to sex, as long as we are not engaging in anything sinful

Books & Resources Mentioned:

marriage advice

Tweetables:

  • There is hidden joy in every circumstance, but only those looking for it find it.
  • Love doesn’t keep marriage alive. Marriage keeps love alive.
  • We can’t see the forest because of the trees.
  • Whatever you and your husband enjoy doing, as long as it’s not sinful, enjoy it to the fullest. Don’t let our culture define what’s dirty.
  • Don’t let the world’s pull get in the way of your intimacy.

Thanks for listening! I hope you are encouraged to live in wholehearted intimacy!

Love,

Belah

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Transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah rose.

0:17
Alone. Hello, and welcome. This is belah rose. And I want to thank you so much for joining me on the delight your marriage podcast. And this is the second half of a wonderful interview from a wife who is clearly following the Lord and wants to help us follow the Lord and love our husbands as well. So it is time to get started. Let’s just dive in. First of all, she talks about how hardships actually are, where God wants us to grow and to stretch and to change. And she also has a wonderful insight for intimacy that I don’t want you to miss. So let’s dive in.

1:09
Well, so you talked a little bit about how things are, are we’re 18 years in now? How are things today? What is your marriage look like now? Oh, my, it’s so good. Yeah, it is. I mean, I’ve gone through the last four years have been very difficult because my kids moved away, my daughter moved away four years ago, and then my son moved away a year ago, taking the last of our grandkids which sent me My heart reeling because, you know, you have an expectation of what your life’s gonna look like at a certain stage. And when it doesn’t pan out the way you thought it would, there’s there can be a lot of brokenness with that, you know, like a death to a dream. And that’s really what I had to go through. And my husband couldn’t understand it because he was happy. You know, my, our son in law has a great job in Atlanta, our son has an amazing job and Nashville. And we know there were God’s wants them, but that that knowledge did not affect inform my heart. You know, I knew in my heart they were where they’re supposed to be. But yeah, so anyway. I don’t know how much detail you want me to go into. But the Lord led us to start doing we have a cabin in North Carolina, we started doing ladies retreats. And I was thinking that God was going to really use this for other women. But God ended up he’s he’s just done a real work in my heart at the retreat. I just had my fifth one last week, and but in May was the first one this year in May, the Lord, he just he set me free from all of that pain he gave me. I’m trying to remember exactly all the things that happened. But it was like he just reached in and said, Okay, this isn’t going to hurt anymore. I had a hornet sting, oddly enough at this last retreat. And it took two days for the stinger to come out. And Lord use that to show me that that’s, that’s what happens when you don’t let go of something. It’s like letting that Stinger stay in and fester. And everywhere I went, I heard the message, let it go. Let it go. I mean, you know, God spoke to me about waterskiing and not letting go of the rope, you know, falling and not letting go of the rope and being dragged in the lake. And I said, God, I feel like I’m getting down and he just said, well let go of the rope. And and that came down to well, I’m afraid to let go of the rope, which were my kids symbolic of my kids. I’m afraid they won’t come back. You know, like I control it. So that was one of the things he shared with me. And then then the song by Disney came out and everybody ever singing Let it go. It’s like, God, did you have to write a Disney song on me?

3:50
Need to let it go. But anyway, yeah, so everywhere I went, he was saying that it goes so yeah. You know, God takes us through those changes in life. And you know, when you, all of us, when our kids are little, it makes you cry to think of them growing up and moving away. When they get to be teenagers, you count the days until it happens. Because teenage years, they’re hard. And I don’t say that to scare people that have small children. But it is a reality. And God does that because our teenagers are slowly trying to let go and make a life for themselves. And it’s still too early, but you’re starting to feel that tension of them wanting to be independent and you know that it’s hard, especially on a mom. And because you just want to hold them close. You just want to keep your family together. So once I got through the weddings and letting them go and all of that I was good with that because it’s like okay, now they’re gonna have babies and it’ll be great. We’ll have Thanksgivings. You know, all the holidays together. We have a pool, they can come over and go swim in. Well then when they moved. I was at a loss. It’s like, this isn’t what I expected. Yeah, and but God’s faithful. Even through that he had things he wanted to show me deep things that I wouldn’t learn in any other way. And I, you know, I tell people this often that God doesn’t waste anything. He uses everything that we go to, for our benefit and for His glory. But, and there’s hidden joy in every circumstance, but only those who are looking for it, find it. You know, if we just sit back and say, I don’t like this, and I hate this, and my I never counted on this and allow ourselves to wallow in depression, which I tell you, that was a big temptation. And there were many days when I didn’t win the fight. I mean, I would just cry all day. And because this isn’t what I wanted, and but God wouldn’t release us from being here. So it wasn’t even an option to move, you know, where our kids were. So it just, I wanted to just kind of curl up, but God wouldn’t let me because it’s like, no, I have things for you to do. And I have things for your kids to do, that they can do if they’re right, if you were all right here together. And so just being willing to let go, literally have that hope in that dream when you find out that it’s not God’s dream, and trust him that what he has is even better. And that is hard. Because when your emotions are involved it is it’s it takes the power of the Holy Spirit to be able to rein that in. And so that’s what I would cry every day. God, please, you’ve got to change my heart. You’ve got to change me. I can live this way. I can’t I can’t bear this pain. So today, may God set me free. He told me, he gave me a word and it was stoicism. Have you ever heard that word? Sure. Yeah. I’ve heard it. I use that word to describe my mom. She passed away two years ago. And she was always not emotional, very pragmatic, you know, practical, knew what to say. And, and I love her dearly. But we were never alike. Because I’m, I’m emotional, big time. And so at the retreat, May, the Lord gave me that word, stoicism. And I said, so I looked it up, I looked at the the meaning. And it means it doesn’t mean emotionless, which is what I kind of thought it was. But it’s, it’s a feeling. It’s a deep feeling and confidence in in, but not being swayed by the feelings. So you still you still feel, but you’re not swayed by it. Because it’s almost like your eyes are set like Flint, you know, you know what you’re doing? It’s like, and God told me at that retreat, I’m going to give you I’m going to make you more stoic. And it’s like, Ah, yes, I don’t want to be on that emotional roller coaster anymore. You know, where I have days and bad days. And, you know, plus, I’m, I’m 56. So I’m going through all those changes, you know, that everybody hears about that I don’t like blame which I’ve never blamed things on hormones, but there is a factor. Yeah, I’m sure there’s a factor in it. But I, in the midst of all of that, God, it may touched me, like he so often does. And you never know when that touch is gonna come. But when it does, then you find lasting freedom. And in May, and even Tom said, I just can’t believe it. The change in you, we’ve, we’ve seen our kids and we said goodbye to them. And I cried when we left, but it didn’t last for a week. And I don’t feel this overwhelming need to know what’s going on every day in their life. And, you know, I can just, I just can’t describe it other any other way. It’s just that I’m more stoic when it comes to thinking about my kids. And I it’s just a wonderful place when you get to that place where God fixes an area that’s been bothering you. And even if he doesn’t fix it in the way you hoped.

8:49
But if he fixes it, it’s just so peaceful. It’s like, oh, it’s there’s nothing like it. So and I don’t know what’s coming next. But I know there’ll be another one another something that God will take me through. And each time I grow in my confidence that I can I can really trust God. He knows what he’s doing. It’s amazing how much we doubt that, because we can’t see it. If we can’t see it, then we then we get tripped up because we can’t figure it out instead of just being able to rest in knowing that we don’t have to figure it out that he’s going to guide our steps as long as we’re listening. And we’re willing to be obedient to whatever He tells us. Yes, that’s awesome. I love the last bit that you said to rest in knowing that we don’t have to figure it all out that he’s got right. Yes, yeah. Well, I want to ask what has been in Oh, to also just go back to what your marriage also looks like in terms of the two of you. Yeah, you were you started to go there. And I want to just make sure we got a full picture of that. Yes. Our marriage is Doing well, my husband is working. He’s kind of semi retired. So he does have a job that he stays busy with. But he’s home and around here a lot. We still have a regular date night, which we’ve had regular date nights since our kids were little, my husband always made that a priority. So we still do that, even though we’re together all the time. And it’s just us at night and stuff. We still have Monday nights is our date night when we go out. And it’s nice, because then we know we’re still we’re still being intentional with the date. So yeah, yeah. So anyway, it’s great. We love we love our time together. And what else? What does our marriage look like, now we are giving our life away as much as we can, and helping others. We’ve got a couple coming over tonight that that needs help. And so we’re just going to listen and see offer what we can, and just making ourselves available to speak into other marriages, through the blog through our church, I did kind of step back in the blog for a little bit. I’m not posting quite as often, but the Lord convicted me that, you know, we needed to be in real relationships, you know, the blog is good, and God’s gonna use that. But, you know, being involved with real people’s lives. And so we’re very active in that we have a marriage community group that we do on Sunday nights that are great. Our church has small groups, which a lot of churches do. But we started doing something in May, for the first time where people will leave their regular small group and come to ours for like six months, just for like a marriage boot camp. And so we just focus for six months on all the intimacies of marriage, sexual intimacy, spiritual intimacy, emotional intimacy, and intellectual intimacy. And if you cultivate those four, then, you know, if you’re paying attention to those four areas of your marriage and allowing God to lead you through them, you’re going to be on the path for a strong marriage. And, you know, we all get to places where we need help. And so being willing to ask, you know, find a couple in your church that you respect for their marriage, what it’s like and and say, Can we get together? Can we talk, it doesn’t have to be counseling, it can just be relationally based, where you’re, you’re just friends, and you’re just asking questions. And that’s what we do now. So we’re pretty, pretty busy. And then with our kids gone, we’re traveling a lot. We’re on the road a lot. So I’m going to see your kids. Yeah, yeah, no, that’s great. Well, I wanted to ask, what are the chief, three things that has been central to your marital success. So far,

12:35
from day one, the very beginning of our marriage, we had a conviction to last, that our marriage would last there would be no divorce would never be an option. So that was from day one, my husband’s parents got divorced on his 18th birthday. And so in that broke his heart, because his parents, they had a great family life growing up. And he had no idea that his parents were struggling at all, until they told him they were getting a divorce. And so it was just like, you know, popping the bubble that he thought was real. And so it broke his heart. We got married when he was 24. And so it was still pretty fresh. So he said, we are going to be intentional in our marriage. And even when the kids come along, we’re going to be number one to each other. Because, yeah, besides the Lord, of course, but because he felt like his parents, may may have been, we don’t know all the details, why they got divorced, but part of it, they threw their life into the kids. And when the kids grew up, they looked at each other. It’s like, Okay, we’re done. And he said, I don’t ever want that to happen to us. So from day one, he’s had that conviction, which has, has served us well. And then the second thing I would say, would to be plugged into a local church that teaches the Bible, and offers real relationships, people that will be real with you, you know, that will will share with you their struggles. You don’t need somebody just to go and tell you how good it is all the time. You need somebody that can say, You know what life is hard. This marriage thing is not easy. And we’re struggling and to be able to go and talk to somebody. And we have people I mean, we’ve I don’t know where we would be today, if it wasn’t for the people that we look up to that God has put in our lives. And Tom always says that, Tom, that’s my husband has always said that we should have somebody that we are looking up to that, that we want to model our life and marriage after because of the way they’re doing things right. And then we should also look for people that are coming along behind us that we can do the same thing in their life we can reach out and give so you’re looking to receive from people that are ahead of us and to give to those coming along behind. And then the other the last thing would be to cultivate romance, no matter the season. Like I said, even when we were going through our difficult 18th year, we still had date nights very much on those date nights, or when we did, we’d end up you know, just messing it up more. But we still went out and we still did the things that we need to do, even though there was no heart in it. And you know, sometimes you think about life, you want to quit. There’s so many times you just want to quit. And God won’t. God won’t let us we can’t quit. So you just have to keep doing but but then it feels fake, like we’re going on a date night, but I don’t feel like I love you. So why should we even go on a date night? Aren’t we? Aren’t we faking? No, you’re not faking? You’re, you’re committed. That’s what commitment looks like, is that it’s you know, I’ve heard people say marriage is not, it’s not love that keeps our marriage alive. It’s the marriage, it keeps your love alive. You know, it’s the it’s the commitment to stay together no matter what you feel like, because our feelings are fickle. So those three things are the conviction to never quit plugged into a local church and cultivate romance. No matter the season. I would say love that. What’s pulled us through? And hopefully we’ll keep pulling it through. Yeah, yeah. I specifically love that you said, it’s not love that keeps the marriage alive. It’s marriage that keeps the love alive. Yes. How’s good? Is that Yes, because that commitment when you have in your marriage, the commitment is what’s going to continue to do the actions. And I wonder that you said that even during those times where you had difficulties, you still kept the actions, you were still doing the things. I wonder if you know, something that took you a year to get over maybe another marriage that wasn’t would have ended right then because they weren’t continuing those habits.

16:40
And we tell people that all the time, we say you have people quit right at the part where it’s at the very worst, and said, that’s all you remember is how bad it was. But if you push through, and if you do this enough times you push through. And it’s like given birth, can you imagine if women because it hurts, okay, I didn’t buy into this. So I quit, you know, you can’t, right, you have to push through it. And then there’s life on the other side. And that’s the same with our marriage, when you’re going through a really hard time and it stinks and you don’t want to continue, you’ve got to trust God and push through that there’s something a jewel on the other side, because God doesn’t waste our hardship. He doesn’t nothing, we don’t go through any hardship in our life, it doesn’t pass through his hand first. So if he’s allowing us to go through this, you’ve got to know that there’s something really good on the other side. And it’s going to be for our good and for His glory. And it’s going to be a testimony that we can share with other people. And so I was just thinking about that today, when I was preparing for this, I think God, thank You for this testimony. Because when I was in the middle of that year, that 18th year, I wasn’t sure if we would ever get out of that, because it always feels like you’re stuck. And you’re never going to get out of it. But you will. So if if you’re in a hard place, anybody that’s listening is in a difficult place. Trust God, he He has not left you, He will not forsake you, he will walk with you through the storm. And he will make sure you make it through and there is good on the other side. And then the more your marriage goes through that, the more you don’t dread the hard times as much, you still don’t like them. But you have something to inform your emotions with. That helps make it more bearable. Yes, that’s brilliant. And and I want to also take something out that you said earlier, but you said there is a hidden joy in every circumstance, but only those looking for it find it right. Which is just so good. And and yeah, just to understand that God doesn’t waste our hardship. That’s beautiful. Now it’s just he doesn’t, he loves us. He loves Yes. And he’s, he has promised he’s going to finish the work. He’s begun in us. And it happens one difficulty, one struggle, one conflict at a time. And sometimes there’s one thing that God showed me at the cabin, you know, at our cabin at one of my retreats of my kids moving away, he said one of the reasons I’ve moved them far away from you, is because I want you to have the big picture view of what I’m doing in their life. I want you to see, you know, the long range view, you know, when you go to the mountains, you want to see that long range view because it’s just so beautiful. And it gives you an even the beach, I love the beach, just standing on the shore and just looking out the horizon. There’s something so peaceful about that. Well, the same is true for our circumstances. We can be you know, you’ve heard the saying you can’t see the forest because of the trees. Well, God wants us to pull us back and allow us to see the big picture from time to time and say, You know what, sometimes it’s not all about you or me. But God’s doing something much bigger and deeper that we can’t see and we may not see it until eternity. But it does and that’s where they’re coming trust comes in with with God and knowing that he is a good shepherd and he, he cares for our souls. And he’s, he’s gonna lead us exactly to where he wants us to be. And we all we have to do is follow. Yeah. Yeah, well, it’s beautiful. Because even you talked about you being stung by a bee and how God taught you even through that, and just so many, so many stories are just clear that you’re in step with what God’s doing and caring about what he’s going to teach you in each day in each moment. And I just encourage the wives that are listening how, how we can use you as an example of, you know, I, I’m in the midst of kind of a medical issue that I never thought I’d have to deal with. And, and it’s just easy for me to get Yeah, yeah, yeah. on a on a day, daily basis, where it’s challenging, where I never thought it would be challenging. And so, but God is using it, he is using it to to fortify my heart and, and help me to limit where I need to limit and help me to exert myself where I need to exert myself and only do what, kind of like what’s in front of me, because I don’t have the energy to do more. And so

21:12
it’s interesting, really good. Yeah, we’ve kind of gone through some similar things like that to the last year. And God’s just shown me that he part of part of this now, the lady that I told you that asked me about reading God’s word, I talked her about this about health issues and stuff, because she’s like, in her 80s now, and it’s like, you know, how do you how do you process you know, that your body, you know, falling apart more and you know, things don’t work the way they used to? And how do you find joy in that that’s not joyful. It’s not fun. You want you want your body to work the way it’s supposed to. And she says, it’s getting me ready to let go of, of this life to embrace that. And it’s like, ah, that’s obviously perspective. It’s just perspective. Like that big picture view. It’s, it’s, if if our life was, if our bodies were strong and healthy, all the way until our deathbed, yeah, we wouldn’t be ready to let go. You know, but little by little, he kind of peels our fingers off of life in this world. It’s like, you know, life is good, but it’s not what’s coming. Just wait, you see what I have for you. And, and because we can’t see it, you know, we don’t necessarily run for that, you know, rented out. We love our life here. And so it’s just helping us. Let go a little bit here. Yeah, work again. It’s everywhere. Let it go. Yeah, yeah. That’s really interesting. Yeah, well, I want to ask you, yeah, yeah. No, it is it. I just really love this. Don’t waste your hardship is kind of what the theme of what I see. Is this, the topic of this, because I just love it. Yes. Well, I can plug a book. I don’t know if you’ve heard of it. John Piper called Don’t waste your cancer. And I have heard of that. Yeah. So you know, I don’t have any my husband. He says, we don’t have original thoughts. We just, you know, we’ve been taught well, so the things that I you hearing me say is from a book somewhere, most likely, but specifically, it’s from his book is that, you know, don’t waste your cancer, because God has a purpose. And I think, you know, he’s so focused on the joy of God, that I’m pretty sure that whole idea of is that there’s hidden joy came from him. So if that’s something that you’re lacking, or somebody’s listening, I would highly recommend that book, even if you don’t have cancer, and applies to any hardship. Yeah, I think I need to read that. I appreciate that. Yeah, I want to read that. That seems wonderful. Well, okay. So I want to shift gears just a little bit. If you’d be willing to share a tip or advice specifically about sexual intimacy, some something that maybe you wish people let you in on earlier? Oh, yes, I can I know exactly what to say. Okay. I, I would say, the marriage bed is undefiled. And that knowing, knowing from the get go, that whatever you and your husband enjoy doing, enjoy it to the fullest. And don’t let our culture define what’s dirty, or what’s, you know, yuck, or whatever, whatever, as long as it’s not sinful. If it’s not sinful, listed in the Bible, if it’s pleasurable to you and your husband, have at it, and enjoy yourself and don’t be ashamed don’t don’t think well, what if so and so new or, you know, allow that, you know, because our culture, we live in a culture that is so wicked when it comes to sexual purity, that it’s hard to believe that God thought of it first. And it’s almost like we’re tapping into something the world does, and that’s right, exact opposite. No, God made this and I was even talking about this to someone the other day. Can you imagine Adam and Eve are the only ones that experience sex without sin. And then I, you know, and the only one that ever will because when we’re in heaven, the Bible says we won’t be given a marriage and so we won’t be married. So I don’t know, I don’t I don’t guess there’ll be sex in heaven, we don’t know. But

25:11
that thought of what would it have been like when you love to ask Adam and Eve? So what was sex, like, when you need to have the world, you know, pull on your, on your mind. And it seems like women are more drawn, affected by the shame aspect or the not wanting to be open and vulnerable with their husband when it comes to being naked, not ashamed. Now, husbands don’t, don’t struggle with that they struggle more with the emotional aspect of connecting, you know, being vulnerable that way in, in Sector sexual relationship. But, you know, that’s, again, that’s just the averages, there’s probably plenty men that struggle with being naked and ashamed, you know, you hate to use generalizations to. But anyway, that would be I did write a post on my blog, and it’s a letter that I wrote to my newlywed self. And so it was kind of going back if I could, if I could go back and write myself a letter, what would I say to me knowing what I know now. And so, you know, that whole aspect I remember, Tom had to walk me through, because there were some things that I just wasn’t sure we were allowed to enjoy in the bedroom. And so I struggled with it big time. And he would, he would sit down with me and say, Okay, why are you thinking that? And it’s like, I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem right. And he goes, but why? And then he got people about the Bible. And it was just showing he wasn’t doing it in Oh, yeah, you’ll do this. Because, you know, it wasn’t that way. He was genuinely coming alongside of me and saying, I want to help you, you know, because you really are tripped up and and God wants us to enjoy this. And so it wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy it. I enjoyed it when we were doing it. But then when the next day, I would have this, and it was probably the enemy just whispering in my ear to God, Did God really say you could do that? You know, that’s kind of that same voice that he spoke to Eve, you know, yeah, the enemy doesn’t he hasn’t changed his tactic, because it still works. Right? He can whisper in our ears to God really say, and so you hear that voice? You know that to God? Is this allowed? I don’t you know, what? That’s not That’s not God. That’s not our father speaking to us. Because when we hear God, he, when he speaks to us, our soul knows it. And even when God said to me, who made you the standard? It didn’t, it didn’t have his. It drew me closer to him. It didn’t push me in a way. So if it’s if the question draws you closer to God, in repentance, and you know, it’s him, but if it if it draws you away, then you know, it’s probably the enemy speaking to you. And, you know, we just take that thought captive and and so that was probably that would that would be my, my biggest advice, just and be free. Yeah. Yeah, that’s good. Well, and you mentioned as long as it’s not sinful. And I think a lot of people have some trip ups on what even that means, or what is, what is or is not sinful in the marriage bed? Would you be able to kind of just, well, the biggest blank for us, the big issue for us was oral sex. You know, everybody talks about that. And, you know, is it allowed? Is it whatever? Well, the Bible doesn’t say anything about that being wrong anywhere. Right? Right. In fact, it even talks about it happening in Song of Solomon’s, there’s two or three places that scholars agree, we are talking about oral sex. And, Debbie, I know this because I wrote a book and course on this, and if anyone wants to find free resource for them on this topic, specifically for wives, you can go to delight your marriage.com/the number four stages, delight your marriage.com/four stages. And there’s a free resource for you a little bit more about this specific topic of oral sex. So just wanted to throw that out there for people getting getting clear on this, because that is a huge reservation for wives. But go ahead with what you were saying, Debbie,

29:16
the things that are wrong, he made very clear everything else is you know, just up for grabs. Now if, if one person doesn’t want to, then that would be wrong for the other, the other spouse to force it, that would be wrong. But if if both are mutual and agreement and enjoy it, then just go for it. You just enjoy yourself and don’t let anybody else dictate, you know, what’s allowed now and and don’t talk about it, you know, be protect that and I think in Malta, everybody talks about so much and this is one thing Tom and I have kept pretty private because our kids read our blog, and you know, who wants to hear about their parents, you know, sexual related stuff. There’s a lot of good bloggers out there, and you as well that are doing a great job on the topics. So it’s not that we’re ashamed to talk about it, but we just choose, you know, not to, but it’s not because God hasn’t done great things in our sexual relationship. And we are, we are reaping the benefits of working hard through the years to stay consistent. And I would say our sex life is better now than it ever has been. Yay. 60, he’s 61. Next month, that’s when I’m 56. And we’re having the time of our life. So it does better. So now it has rained to a degree. And you know, some people, there’s some couples we know that have given up on it all together for physical reasons that they had to and my heart goes out to them. But God’s done that, too. And I’m just grateful that it hasn’t happened to us. And so, you know, there will be a day probably when when we won’t be able to enjoy in the way we do now. So you just make the most of the time and try to remember it well. Yeah, yeah. No, that’s really great. Well, thank you so much for sharing about that. And I think that give a lot of all of us hope, in fact, so wonderful. Well, I did do a survey, and it’s on our blog on the effects of menopause and your sex, sex life. So I did this big long survey, and it was very revealing. So if anyone’s interested, if anyone’s in that season of life, and they would like to see it, I’ve posted all the results on the blog. So it’s on a tab at the top of the page. So great. So we’ll have the letter to the new written to the newlywed wife. And then also the effects of menopause. We’ll have that those both of those linked up on delight your marriage.com. Okay, and let’s just make that easy. Okay, so then the last thing I wanted to ask you about, Well, you mentioned a book already, but is there a book or a resource that you would specifically recommend to our audience? Oh, yes. I’ve got to actually Greenfield marriage by Dr. Dr. Tim Kimmel.

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Grace is just an amazing it’s just, it’s amazing. That’s what amazing grace but it became become cliche. And to where you almost don’t hear it, because you’ve heard it so much. It just kind of, you know, rolls off your back and not you don’t really take it to heart. But the grace filled marriage, you know, he, when you read the book, he talks about how if couples were to embrace this one aspect in their marriage, asking for more grace, it would change everything. Because when we look at people through the eyes of grace, we see them differently. We don’t see them as you know, just who they are, or what we see. But we see them as how God sees them. And also with the with the potential of who they can be, because that’s what grace is. It’s knowing you know, that God’s not finished with us yet. And just having that grace filled mentality, and speaking with grace and not allowing and breathing grace into just the whole aspect of, of loving our spouse in the way God has loved us. That just that one thought transforms your marriage. And then the other book is one of our favorite authors that we’ve had the privilege of meeting he came to our church for a season when he was on sabbatical. Paul, David Tripp, his book, what did you expect? And he goes through and talks about all the things that people walk into marriage expecting and then talk to Vinnie addresses them, you know, and in this day and age, when people get married, that, you know, they hit their all star field and you know, spend 1000s of dollars on the wedding. And don’t Sara Lee invest in what’s coming after, which is a lot more important, and it’s not as romantic and fairytale as the wedding makes it. Look. It’s hard work. Marriage is hard work. And Paul Tripp he is a marriage, a biblical marriage counselor has been his whole career. And so when you read his books, he’s like having your own very own marriage counselor sitting down with you because he anticipates your questions, because he’s heard them from all of the people. He’s counseled over the years. So yeah, you’ll be reading it. And you’ll say, yeah, I get that. But what about this, you’ll be thinking that and he’ll go, you may be asking, what about this? And then he’ll, I mean, it’s amazing. It’s like he’s just sitting there across the table from you know, it’s cool. He is very, very helpful. And he’s got another book on raising teenagers to his age of opportunity that changed our life. So I don’t know why I’m saying that. Maybe there’s somebody out there needs it. But well, can you tell us a little bit about the book through the eyes of grace? Yes. It’s um, it’s a lifelong dream that I decided I wanted to do when I when my grandmother died. Right after I was married. I was 19. And I was I was sad that I found out her story after she had passed. And I couldn’t ask her questions anymore. I couldn’t get to know her. And I felt like I missed out. And so I had the dream of being able to write her story one day. And so my mom, who does geniale did genealogy for our family. She said, I’d love to help you. So we set out on a journey to discover the parts of her story that we didn’t know, we traveled to Oklahoma three times, she was part of the Oklahoma land rush in 19. I mean, 1893, her family stay well, they say two claims. And so just a really amazing story. When she was fifth, I’ll I’ll do the teaser when she was 15, she was raped. And so that kind of set the whole story in motion. And, but the cool thing is, is that God was leading her through all of that to him, because she’s the first one in our family to be saved. And so it’s just an amazing story. It’s it’s a historical fiction, it’s not a hard read, but you can find it on Amazon. And it’s also on Kindle any of the e readers you can find it. And so if if you are interested, I would love for you to read it. So oh, that sounds that sounds beautiful. And through the eyes of grace, that’s what it’s called. Yes. Awesome. Well, okay, so the last thing I want to ask you is, if you could go back to year one of your marriage and sit yourself down, what’s one piece of advice that you would give to you?

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I would say, not to neglect my relationship with God. When not when I first got married, I had a pretty consistent time alone with him. And then it started way back the very beginning, when we first got married, I noticed that Tom didn’t. And so I thought that he wasn’t even asking me if I had mine. And so I thought, Well, I wonder if I even quit having my quiet time if he’d even notice. And he didn’t. And so I quit. And I didn’t have I mean, I didn’t have a quiet time for like four years. So who did that hurt? That hurt me, because my attitude was wrong. So I would say, Stay consistently plugged in with God. And and even though you, you know, because when you first get married, you’re so excited and happy to be married and have somebody to share life with that it’s very easy to set that aside. Because you’re used to when I was single, I was used to having that time alone and dictating my time. But then all of a sudden, I’m living with somebody. And you know, I don’t have all my time to myself. So it was hard to figure out how to do that. So I didn’t. And I will say, Don’t let that happen. Find a way to stay plugged in, because that’s your way that’s the lifeblood of your marriage is your relationship with Christ. And so that I regret that I did that because it cost me four precious years of the God taught me through it. So it wasn’t wasted. But still, I could do it over I think I would, I would definitely pick that. That’s awesome. Okay, well, where could our audience connect with you online? Well, I’m on the romantic vineyard.com. You can we post probably at least once or twice a week sometimes. And so we post there on a regular basis, then we also have an eye, if you have a smartphone, iPhone, we don’t have Android. But if you have a Apple product, we have an iPhone app, where we provide and it’s free, we provide a healthy marriage tip, as well as a link to our current post. But the best thing about that the app is there’s date night questions. We’ve collected questions over the years that you can take this app and if you’re going on a date to the you know how you get to that place, it’s like, okay, we want to talk about something other than kids and work in church and struggles and family. What do we talk about? I don’t know. So we these questions that you can be sitting at a date night and you can pop up the question and just ask. And they’re and they’re not. Some of them are deep. The most of them are like Who was your favorite teacher in high school and why? And you know, stuff that you might not cool might want to talk about. So it just kind of gets you out of talking about the same old things and keep your friendship alive. So that’s there and then we’re you know, we’re on Facebook. We’ve got a Facebook page, the romantic vineyard, calm on Instagram, Twitter, so we’re all we’re everywhere. Yeah, yeah. No, that’s great. Okay, well, gosh, thank you so much, Debbie. This has been wonderful to hear your heart and so many of your resources and clear Dedede wisdom that you shared. Thank you, Bella. It’s been great getting to know you. Wow, wasn’t that awesome. Thank you so much, Debbie. For all of your wisdom and advice and insight. And anyone who is interested in that resource I mentioned, it’s go to delight your marriage.com/four stages. Actually, the title is the four stages of his best oral orgasm. So this is more practical, but I give resources elsewhere on the blog. Because I want really to help you, I really want something that’s going to give you insight in order to implement in the bedroom and get you over some of those reservations of not knowing what to do. So delight your marriage.com/four stages. Okay, well, my beloved, thank you so much for being here for listening for diving deep with Debbie and hearing how God wants to use even the most difficult times and parts of our lives to teach us about him and grow us closer in our relationship with Him. That’s really what it’s all about. So, thank you, Debbie. God bless you listener. God bless you. And I’m praying for you that God would turn whatever trial you’re facing right now that he would show you the beauty that he’s working through the ashes. God bless you. We’ll talk soon.

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Thanks for joining. If you’ve been inspired by this show, would you help spread the word? If you take a moment to review and subscribe others can find us more easily. Find out how to delight your marriage.com forward slash iTunes. Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion

 

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