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Hi there! Belah here. Today, I have with me Gaye Christmus of calmhealthysexy.com. This episode is such a refreshing and eye-opening conversation between Gaye and I about the differences in perception of sex and sexual responses among men and women. She helps us understand the process, which she had to go through herself, of learning that culture’s dictation of sex is from a male’s perspective. She also is firm in her belief that if we only let God lead us and if we are willing to follow, He will bring us to where we ought to be. Listen in and join us as Gaye also gives out helpful advice on how to work difficult things out in your marriage. We can get through it; it’s part of God’s plan!

Through research and study, I’ve discovered the secrets I wish someone told me years ago! Receive my free gift: “The 4 Stages To His Best Oral Orgasm” by going to delightyourmarriage.com/4stages

Scripture/Quote:

• “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4:6
• “He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.” Isaiah 40:11

You’ll Discover:

• How both she and her husband are introverts, and how this actually is beneficial as opposed to the “opposites attract” notion
• How she struggled with sexual intimacy in the early years of marriage
• How to trust God completely and walk the path he has laid out for you
• How culture views sex and its effects on most marriages
• How saying what you feel is important in working things out

Tweetables:

• The whole culture’s view of sex is based on male sexuality.
• You know what culture says about sex, but you don’t know what is really going on or what would make it better for your marriage.
• During difficult times, you just have to have the conversation—just to get through it!
• Sexting can help and be effective!

Thanks for listening! I hope you are encouraged to live in wholehearted intimacy!

Love,

Belah

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Trascript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah rose.

0:18
Hey, there, this is belah rose, thank you so much for joining me at the delight your marriage podcast. And today, we have a great talk for you. This is Miss Gay Christmas, and she is going to be talking about her experience of 30 plus years, and what she learned that took a process to understand the differences between male and female sexual response. And I’m so grateful that she shares openly about how it took her quite a while to figure out that they are just different and what it is that she needs to feel fulfilled and ready to have wonderful intimacy with her husband. So I think it’s going to be a great episode for any of you who are looking to not only understand the woman’s response, but also to understand your own whether you’re a husband or wife listening. So let’s go ahead and dive in

1:26
Okay, well, welcome back to like your marriage listener. I want to thank you so much for joining me today. And I’m excited to have gay Christmas from calm healthy sexy.com with me, hi, gay. How are you doing?

1:39
I fell out. Good. How are you? Doing? Well,

1:42
doing? Well. I’m excited to have a great conversation today. And I’d love for you to go ahead and introduce yourself, your family, and a little bit about your day to day life if you would.

1:53
Okay. Well, I’ve been married to my husband, Dan, for almost 30 years. I can hardly even say that. But in November, yep. We will have been married for 30 years. And we have two sons, two young adult sons. One has graduated from college and is working and kind of out on his own. And the other one is a college student and he lives at home. He goes to the university in our city, but so he lives at home, but he’s in and out a lot. So of semi empty nesters, we don’t quite have an empty nest yet. But we’re kind of moving in that direction. I work my husband, I both work full time outside the home. We both actually work at the same university. And I’m, I have a background in a health field. And I work as a technical writer and editor in a health field. So we’re busy, but we don’t have the busyness that a lot of women have of having small children at home. But we’re still busy. You know, we work full time. And I’m trying to keep my blog going and kind Yeah, build it up. So yeah, that’s it. We sort of we do live in a city, but we live kind of out in the country. So we have a big yard a big garden. So we’re outside a lot on the weekends. Trying to keep that up. We have some chickens. Oh, that’s so that’s, that’s kind of what we’re doing on a day to day basis.

3:26
That’s awesome. Well, my husband and I live in New York City, and we hope and Yeah, well, we spent two days ago was our rest day where we just spend the day kind of relaxing together. That’s our family’s tradition that we try to do every week. But we were just daydreaming about how nice it would be to have a yard and chickens. And so

3:49
it really is nice. I have to say it’s really nice. It would probably be hard for us to live in the city. You know, after having kind of a lot of space around us.

4:00
Yes, yes. One day, one day, I might be your next door neighbor guy and then escape the city life and get down to some some rural, it’d be awesome. But I’m a little Would you share a little bit about you and your husband’s personalities? What does that look like?

4:18
Yeah, so we are both introverts. We’re both we kind of go against the idea that opposites attract. Because we have very similar personalities. Were both fairly quiet as I said, introverted, we’d like peace and quiet. What Yeah, right. Yeah, boys that was kind of hard to come by. But we like you know, some personal space. We like some time. We’re very low drama. We didn’t have any patience for drama. So we really have very similar personalities, which I think is good. In terms of getting along, and it may, the place where that it may not be good is in terms of kind of generating some excitement in your marriage. Sometimes, you know, opposite personalities, the, you know, that creates some excitement. And so yeah, we have to be, I guess maybe more intentional about creating some excitement because we are both so low key and it would be easy for us to just kind of float and you know, let things let things go. So, yeah, we also have to be intentional about, like, connecting with other people. Because it would be easy for us to just stay home, work in the garden, work on the blog, mow the grass, and not, you know, we’re not like big partiers or big hosts. So we have to really be intentional about connecting with people and having people over and that kind of thing, because it doesn’t come naturally to either one of us.

6:05
I love that. The talking about kind of knowing yourself and knowing that okay, this is something that’s helpful for our marriage. We just have to be intentional about having that. Right. Yeah. And I think it starts by knowing who you are, and knowing who your husband is, and knowing each of your strengths, which seems really good.

6:22
And I, you know, and I think it takes time to sort of figure that out. I’m pretty sure I didn’t realize that at all, when we were first married. I think that’s sort of you have those realizations over time if you’re just if you’re paying attention and kind of wanting to understand,

6:39
hmm, yeah, yeah, no, that sounds really good. Well, this is all about inspiring and empowering wives to live wholeheartedly in their marriage. And so I would love to hear maybe a scripture or a quote that’s meant a lot to you over the years, or even recently,

6:57
okay, I was thinking about to Philippians, four, six is always meaningful to me do about not being anxious about anything? Yeah, bringing everything to God in prayer, because I do tend a little bit toward being an anxious person, or kind of a warrior, I sort of come from a family of warriors. I came by it honestly. So that yeah, has always been a very good verse for me, because I’ve never really, you know, overcome my tendency to worry, I’ve never been able to just completely give it overthought and let it go. So I’m always having to come back to that, you know, kind of, you know, remembering that he says, not to be anxious, and to give everything over to him. And you know, that there’s really nothing to worry about, that he has it all under control, but I have to learn that lesson over and over again, because I just seem to remember it. And then something that has meant a lot to me kind of over the past couple of years, is just verses that talk about walking with Christ, or God walking with us or leading us, I just have had kind of a visual in my mind recently, which is kind of interesting, because I’m really not a visual person at all, but just have like, walking with Jesus and sort of him leading on a path. I was thinking, when I was thinking about this, this morning, I was thinking about how he says, He’s the shepherd, you know, and we hear his voice and he leaves us. And I have been thinking about that a lot, recently, and that I’d really just want to, you know, walk with Him even, you know, take his hand and sort of follow. And I also picture, you know, when you’re on the path with him, I kind of imagined that there are paths going in all different directions, you know, and it’s very easy for me to get off the path, you know, that he’s leading me on and kind of going a different direction. And so I just keep thinking about, you know, walking with Him, him taking me by the hand, just verses that say, you know, he will lead us if we are willing to follow, very inclined to go in my own direction very much. So. I need to keep sort of bringing myself back to that and to his, you know, willingness to lead me and knowing so much more what’s better for my life than what I know or understand about it?

9:42
Yeah, yeah. I just love that because I think a lot of times, we get caught up in the busyness or the worries or the the, the opportunities even all over the place. And then so often I do myself also just forget that okay, I’m being led. I’m falling I’m not, this isn’t my show and kind of a deal up, you know, and I don’t mean to dry on podcasts. I mean, in life, this is not my life were crucified with Christ. Right live with him. So that’s great. Yeah. I love that too. Well, I wanted to ask you about the difficult season or struggle in your marriage that, that, you know, we can listen to and learn from and, and hear your heart through. So if you could, would you share?

10:30
Um, okay. I, I would, I will say, which goes back to our personalities, we’ve had a pretty low drama marriage. I mean, I’m not sure we’ve had more than, you know, five really big blowup fights in our entire 30 years. But that doesn’t mean we haven’t gone through any difficulties. The thing that I was thinking about is that we have had some struggles in the area of sex and intimacy. Yeah, earlier in our marriage. And there was a really long time, when I felt like, my husband was selfish in that area. It was so perplexing to me, because he is not a selfish person. I mean, he’s not selfish at all. But really, and that was just an area of it just seemed like we could not get on the same page. And I couldn’t figure it out for a long time. You know, and you feel like, okay, we’re in the sexual revolution, like, probably 4.0 version. Now, it’s the century, you know, our culture is just bombarded with sex. It’s everywhere. And yeah, you think, well, I should know everything there is to know, but you don’t, you know, you don’t I mean, you know, what the culture says about sex, but it’s very possible to be married even to be married for a number of years and not know, kind of what’s going on? Or what would make things better in your marriage related to that. And so, you know, over time, what I realized is that I was lacking some knowledge, he was probably lacking some knowledge. And we were really lacking in good communication on that. For example, I mean, this is almost embarrassing to say, but I was pretty old before, it really struck me how different women’s sexual response often is from men sexual response. I mean, I want to say, this is like a sad admission, I was like, in my 40s, before, you know, it’s kind of one of those things, then no, on a surface level, but I really know it for my own life. And I think that’s one of the things that we were constantly, you know, butting up against. So, you know, I mean, I would, you know, work all day, or when the kids were younger, be home with the kids all day. And, you know, go go, go, you’re busy. You know, it’s hard, especially when your kids are young, and it gets to be 10 o’clock at night, and you fall into bed. And then I would think, why am I not interested in having sex? There must be some wrong with me. You know, my husband, he’s worked hard all day, too. But he could fall into bed at 10 o’clock, and be interested in sex. And so I just thinking, What is wrong with me? Or alternately? You know, what is wrong with him that he can’t see how I’m struggling? Yeah, so that was really a barrier and a point of friction for a number of years. And what I finally realized was, my, I am completely normal for a woman, and he is completely normal for a man. And I don’t mean to stereotype because I know some men and women are different, but I think in general, most women, you know, cannot work all day collapse into bed and be interested in sex. Right? Probably a lot of men can write. Right, yeah. You know, I really had to figure that out. And I had to start saying to him, Okay, here’s why I think this isn’t working for me. You know, I think I’ve got to have some time. I have to have a break from sort of the day to day grind, the daily grind, you know, I need for us to have some interaction during the day that will sort of get this going. Yeah, you know, one of the things that we discovered is, you know, texting is great for that. I mean, sexting was just for kids but you know sexting couples to as long as you Using a business phone or something, I guess, but so we just had to, I mean, I just really had to learn about that I had to sort of read and get my mind around that and say, you know, there is nothing wrong with me. And there’s nothing wrong with my husband, he’s not selfish, he just doesn’t understand. And so we just had to, you know, really talk that through and have some arguments about it, and have some times of me being pretty mad at him.

15:32
And sort of change the things that they were doing so that they were conducive to both of us, you know, being interested in sex and intimacy. Because, you know, I wanted that for my marriage, I wanted it for myself, I’m not one of those people who believe that sex is only for the husband, I absolutely don’t believe that. I think that women, you know, are sexual beings too. But sometimes, it’s more work, I think, to make it figure out how to make it work for the wife. And so that yeah, something that we’ve, that was difficult for us, we really worked through a lot of it, it’s much better for us. Now, I’m not saying we don’t ever fall back into a bad pattern, but and I think I learned to communicate better to say, okay, you know, here’s what I’m feeling, or here’s what I’m thinking, or here’s what I think would work for me, you know, and he had to learn to be able to hear that and to be able to say what he was thinking or feeling to.

16:39
And I love that you mentioned, you know, that question, what’s wrong with me? I feel like that’s such a huge thing that women are constantly feeling in sexual intimacy. Why do you think that is?

16:50
I think it’s because the whole cultural image of sexuality is pretty much based on male sexuality. Yeah, you know, I mean, even in, say, books that are intended for women, you know, romance novels, it’s, I mean, the sex and intimacy. And those books, I think, are very much a male model. You know, it’s like, yeah, falls into bed, for the first time ever, and has these fantastic mutual orgasms. Well, how often does that happen? You know, right. I mean, I don’t really think that happens very often, you know, in in movies, and then just, you know, I just, I just think the sort of the cultural saturation is kind of male oriented sexuality. And so you feel like, if you don’t follow that model, then there must be something wrong with you. You know, you’re not just ready to fall into bed at any moment and have the world’s greatest orgasm. There must be something wrong with you. And I just, I just discovered, but that is not. That’s not true at all.

18:04
Yeah. And so when you were, this was especially poignant when you had young kids, is that the kind of the difficult period?

18:14
Yes. You know, I mean, this was kind of a struggle for a long period. Yeah. It probably became most noticeable when our kids were young. And I have boys, and I know you have boys too. And boys are exhausting. I mean, they’re great. They’re, they’re exhausting when they’re little. And, you know, when I was when my children were young, I worked either freelance or just part, you know, part time, and was home with them a lot, or, you know, most of the time. And that’s very, I mean, that’s a hard job. Yes. And so yes, I think it became most noticeable when our when our children were young. And, you know, we probably it took us quite a few years, I’ll be honest, to really, yeah, figure it out and can work through it.

19:09
Yeah, well, I really appreciate that honesty, because sometimes, we think of the stages or processes that we go through as if it should be as fast as in a movie, you know, something that takes years and years and a movie is done in two hours. So we think that one conversation is gonna fix it all. It was a it was a process for you. So what were some things that you had to kind of put in place to make sure that you were that you were able to enjoy sex in the afternoon or in the evening?

19:38
Well, as you said, I mean, you can’t just have one conversation, and I don’t you know, I don’t like to have difficult conversations. You know, I would one conversation one time and be done with it. All right. But I found that you just can’t do that. You have to keep having the conversation, even if it’s difficult So you can work through it because as you say, it’s not a movie, you’re not going to talk about it one time. And never everything is all, you know, peaches and cream, it just doesn’t work that way. Right? So, you know, excuse me, we had to put in place things like, you know, my husband just saying, Okay, I’m, I’m in charge, now you go chill out, you know, you go do whatever you want to do, or, you know, I’ll, I’m going to take over the kids, I’m going to clean up the kitchen, I’m going to do whatever, so so that I could sort of have a break between just the busyness of the day, and then spending time together in the evening. Hmm, yeah, last, you know, he also became more conscious of, you know, just being in touch with me in the day, kind of, you know, just in a, you know, funny, flirty way, just kind of getting things going in that direction. And, you know, and I had to be willing to say, to, okay, here is what I need, you know, what, like, I just need this time, I need to take a break, I need to, you know, I just need to cut things off right now and go sit down and get my mind together. Yeah. So, you know, it, it was both of us. I mean, he wants he understood, he was willing to do things to make this work. And, you know, I had to be willing to say what I need, you know, women saw a lot of times don’t like to say what they need. So I yeah, I like to say, you know, I, here’s what I here’s what I need in order, you know, for us to, you know, really make things work out in this area, both say tonight, and kind of overall in the big picture.

21:52
Yeah. Yeah, thank you for that. I think it helps women to get a chance to see like, what another marriage looks like? How can how can husbands be proactive and help their wives? I just think that, you know, you’re sharing about how your husband was proactive? is big for husbands to think about, okay, how can they help their wives get more in the zone? And, and, and even just love on her a little bit, you know, practically speaking, you know, to give her some rest from the kids and let her just kind of be her own person for a while is huge,

22:28
right? It really, it really is. And I think Huskins husbands can be proactive, you know, kind of by educating themselves to like I used to send, send my husband, you know, articles or links to blog posts, and, you know, then he finally subscribed to the, the generous Husband Blog. Oh, you know, because he, he really talks about those kinds of things. So I think it’s, it’s all so an action that husbands can take is to just get informed because, you know, I think a lot of people are probably like me, you feel like, you know, everything there is to know about sex and in fact, right, you might you might not.

23:06
Right, right. Well, and I love the point that you made earlier with the whole culture, his view of sex is based on male sexuality, right? Which I think is so true. I mean, you look at all the marketing and all the advertisements, you’ve got scantily clad ladies, you know, Lachlan, because it because obviously that that attracts views that attracts people’s attention. So, but it’s not indicative of reality, which is like your point here, which is really great. Okay, well, I hope that you have been inspired to start really figuring out yourself or figuring out your wife more. And if you’re a wife listening, say what you need and be open about what’s going on for you. And if you’re a husband, ask the right questions, trying to figure out where your wife is coming from. And I hope that this has inspired you to live in wholehearted intimacy in your marriage. God bless you. I love you and we’ll talk soon.

24:13
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion