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Hi there! Belah here. Today, I have with me Laura Doyle of lauradoyle.org, and author of the New York Times bestseller, The Surrendered Wife. Laura is an amazing wife who has gone through a lot of lessons in her married life; lessons which taught her to be strong and steadfast, all done with faith in the Lord. On this episode, she talks about the beginning stages of her marriage and how she realized that she had been doing it wrong. Laura shares to us how important it is to let go and just be more aware of the relationship, to not be afraid to speak up, and to focus on a pleasurable and more passionate intimate marriage. She tells us about how her being controlling drove her husband to become distant, and that once she decided to stop complaining and started working on her flaws, she eventually enjoyed the fruits of a delightful and pleasure-filled marriage.

Through research and study, I’ve discovered the secrets I wish someone told me years ago! Receive my free gift: “The 4 Stages To His Best Oral Orgasm” by going to delightyourmarriage.com/4stages

Scripture/Quote:

• “Courage is not the absence of fear; but rather the judgment that something else is important than fear.” Ambrose Redmoon
• “Any fool can criticize, complain, and condemn—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.” Dale Carnegie

You’ll Discover:

• How she, at the beginning of their marriage, was a controlling wife
• How Laura eventually discovered that complaining is not the same as communicating
• How she realized that she was the one putting holes into their intimacy
• How she learned to grow and became more aware of what she needed to do to heal her marriage when she let go and stopped being controlling
• How pleasure is important in every marriage, especially in the bedroom!

Tweetables:

• It was important to be more respectful and enjoy my marriage rather than indulging in my fear.
• There was freedom and healing in admitting that I was treating my husband unwell.
• We’ve got the safety of a long marriage to explore each other’s bodies and be intimate.
• Be clear of what you want in the bedroom; this helps us get a reliable orgasm.
• Sex is an opportunity for pleasure.
• I had to give myself permission to adapt to his point of view about how sexy I was.
• We do better when we make it our priority to have frivolous fun every day.
• The way a child is attracted to a ball or a swing? That’s the kind of pleasure that I look for.

Thanks for listening! I hope you are encouraged to live in wholehearted intimacy!

Love,

Belah

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Transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah. Rose.

0:19
Hi there. And welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. This is belah rose. And I want to just thank you for welcoming me and my guest into your ears today, if you’re out shopping, or on your way home from work, or maybe you’re getting started with dinner, wherever you are, just thank you. And it’s going to be a great show today. Before we get started, though, I have something exciting to tell you about. I have been working very hard on a series of videos that I’m going to be telling you about next week. And it’s a gift for you from me, and I’m really proud of it. So I’m going to be letting you know the details next week, but just let you know, stay tuned. Okay, well today, I have Mrs. Laura Doyle who is a best selling author. She’s a speaker. She’s a coach. She’s such a sweet woman, and you can tell she just has so much genuine, genuine pneus I guess you would say, and I so appreciate that. But let’s go ahead and dive into her interview where we talk a lot about how to have a more pleasure filled life. Okay, we’ll talk on the other side All right, well, welcome back. delight your marriage listener. I am thrilled to have Miss Laura Doyle who is joining us today. Hi, Laura. How are you doing? I’m great. I’m actually I’m Mrs. Laura Doyle. But yes, yes, yes. Yes, indeed, that that would be appropriate. Seeing as we’re talking about your marriage? Yes. Sure. I don’t come off as a single woman. Thank you for that. Yes. Mrs. LAUREL oil. Thank you. Oh, well, good. Well, can you please introduce yourself a little bit about your family and your day to day life? Sure.

2:23
You bet. So I am. I’m so fortunate. I’m a New York Times bestselling author of the book, The surrendered wife, which is published in 16 languages in 27 countries. And I’ve had the privilege of helping over 150,000 women all over the world, really revitalize the intimacy and passion and peace in their marriage. And I’m the CEO of an international relationship coaching company. But the thing I’m most proud of in the whole world is that I’m a very happy wife of over 26 years next month. Oh,

2:59
congratulations. That’s awesome.

3:01
Thank you. Wow.

3:03
So what is your day to day life look like? Well,

3:07
I, I’m running my company, and I work from home, my husband works from home too. So we have a we have a pretty good life here. Where there’s a lot of playfulness in our relationship. So there’s a lot of like little pranking that goes on. And for some reason. It’s it. The Quaker man from the box, he, he shows up, like in my wallet, or, in my case, if I travel. I know I’ve been gotten when I get the quick route, man, I know why that story comes to mind. But if there’s just like a lot of, like, silliness, which I’m so grateful for every day, because it wasn’t always that way. You know, we went through several years of it being really dramatic, intense and instant. And I was on the verge of divorce. So I think every day I’m just grateful for how much ease are is in my relationship, how much vibrancy and that he has a quick story. We were Yes, in breakfast Cafe recently. And he goes, Oh, don’t move. And then he like grabs his phone to take my picture. I’m like, so flattered, right, like, oh, like 25 years, and he’s still acting. Oh my god. He’s like a supermodel and he takes a picture. He hands me his phone and I’m looking through his phone and it’s like, here’s Laura in the Kitchen. Laura in the backyard. Laura working under. Laura. unspeakable. Yeah, there’s just no words to describe. Oh, great. It feels to have that kind of feel so loved every day. Yes.

4:43
Oh my gosh. That’s wonderful. Well, and what a little bit about you and your husband’s personalities. What are they like?

4:49
Well, my husband’s a really easygoing guy and very funny. And that was a big part of what I fell for. He’s also just A lot of humility. Like I remember, on our first date, he was just totally committed to making me laugh, which he felt like he made himself look bad in the process as long as I was laughing and smiling, like I remember he said, because it’s a good thing. Someone invented contact lenses, because he goes, otherwise I’d have to wear glasses. And they would look like two Hubble telescopes welded together. So I’m like, but on the upside, because when you when your visions like mine, he goes, you can just take out your contacts, and you can see amazing things that no one else can see. All right. I made me laugh. And, yes, yeah, I think that was a big part of what I fell for. And then I also really fell for the way he loved me, he was just so devoted. And so there was just a lot of thought on this there he was, definitely that guy gives you his jacket when you’re cold. Or he would just move all the furniture around just so I could see if I liked the sofa underneath the window or not. And then I’d be like, no, no, no, put it back, you know, and he’s just like, really has a servant’s heart.

6:10
Yes, it sounds like and, oh, I’m excited to get into your story more. Um, so before we do, though, could you share a scripture or a verse that or a quote that has meant a lot to you?

6:24
Yeah, my very favorite quote in the world is by Ambrose read. And it’s that courage is not the absence of fear. But the decision that something else is more important. And yeah, became really critical for me to cling to that, as I embarked on the spiritual journey of just trying to save my marriage. And there were so many times when I was called on to choose my faith instead of my fear. And I made a decision that it was more important to be respectful and to choose my marriage over indulging my fear. So that folks became really precious to me.

7:10
Wow, I love that. And it’s so funny. I was just writing about confidence, and how that’s exactly it. It’s focusing on the purpose instead of instead of focusing on the fear, so I just love that. Cool. Well, can you share them a little bit about your, your, the story, the season of struggle that was in your marriage?

7:31
Absolutely. So we’ve been married, I don’t know, six years, let’s say four, or five, six, and seven, eight, probably, we’re pretty, we’re pretty bad. And I really believe that I was, I was more spiritual, I was smarter, I just was not the person working really hard on our relationship. He wasn’t doing anything, I would sit him down on the couch and tell him everything that he needed to do differently. And conversely, I call it the State of the Union address, it’s never went very well. I tried to leave that to the President to do those. But, and the other thing that was going on that, in retrospect, I really just had no idea how much harm this was doing. But I was trying to give him helpful suggestions. I call it helpful in wife language, which has been language, right. So I would say I just had ideas about how you kids like, eat more healthy and things that you could do at work, or you know, how we can tidy around the house and how you dress better. And I didn’t realize I was really shooting holes in the bucket of our intimacy in connection by trying to be so helpful. And this kind of going back to that quote that I love. I was being the armchair quarterback of his life. You know, it was happening in my life was going by and I wasn’t attending to it, I was missing my own life. And the minute I stopped being the armchair quarterback of his life, this whole thing emerged where I was called to write bestselling books, and in front of live audiences of hundreds of people, I’ve never done that, or I got to go on national TV and international TV, and it was all pretty terrifying. And I realized that controlling him, it felt less scary. And that’s kind of why I that was part of why I did it. But anyway, things were going really badly. And I just, I just knew that if he would change, then I could finally be happy because there’s not right. Right. Right. So I made him go to marriage counseling, and I just was waiting dutifully for her to fix him. And of course, that didn’t help and we went for years and it just really it didn’t fix anything. I did learn there that I was controlling, like, I have an issue with trying to control and I was a As soon as I kind of had that awakening, that was an issue for me. I was like, Okay, what do I do? And counter was like, yeah, just stop being so controlling, you know, just just. And I was like, huh, I just go and I played her kind of got a glimpse of her marriage. And she was pretty controlling too. So I was like, Oh, no wonder she couldn’t tell me what to do. She had nice diplomas on the wall, but she didn’t have, you know, the transformation that I was seeking. Wow. So. So I really just felt like we had to get divorced. I just had married the wrong guy. I couldn’t figure it out. It was really, it’s very lonely. Like I remember there was. I remember him being more interested in watching TV than he was in my company, for sure. And even in making love to me like that. John felt really lonely. I was really felt rejected and abandoned.

10:58
Well, and so when you said shooting holes in your intimacy, what is it? What do you mean by that?

11:04
Oh, I just, I just think it’s like, it’s like the bucket of my our intimacy together. I was I was tearing it apart. I was the one that was, you know, it’s kind of funny. It’s ironic, I felt so superior, I had this big superiority complex, like I was when they had to do everything, because I would do it right. And he wouldn’t do it. And by right, I mean, my way, right, you know, the right way. And I had no concept that I was the one that was making everything so hard and stressful. And it wasn’t until I got a roll of metaphorical duct tape, let’s say, ever my mouth to correct or criticize or even instruct, even if I thought, Oh, I’m better at this than he is. I just stopped doing all that. And that was when the man who had wooed me really came back back. And I just remember, there was one day Bella where I, I came through the door, I came home, and I remember his face lit up, like he was like, and that had been gone for a long time. And I was like, wow, that’s that’s where I want to live. That’s the kind of relationship I want to have.

12:21
Yes. Oh, it’s just love that, wow. Well, so the wife that’s finding herself in a marriage where she’s doesn’t recognize the person anymore, and all she can see is all of his flaws. You know, this metaphorical duct tape? Was that really the key like that? Was it

12:39
really a big one? Wow. Well, it would I did was I decided it was more important to be respectful than it was to just say, whatever came to mind, like I had kind of confused. Honesty and criticism. And I thought I was just being honest, when I tell them like his shirt didn’t match, you know, his jacket. Right? Right. I’m like, I’m just saying the hard truth things that need to be said. On here. And yeah, I know, I recognize the difference between honesty and criticism is honesty is about me. It’s not about him. Criticism is criticism and complaining. You know, there’s that quote from Dale Carnegie, any, any fool can complain, and most do. And that was really kind of my situation. I just had a really big complaining habit and criticism habit. And what was funny about it, too, is I always complained about something. And I would think that I had communicated what I wanted out of it. Like, I’d say, this place is a mess. And I thought he would hear that as like, would you help me clean up the kitchen? I can’t even hear me when I’m complaining. He, if I can let him know what I’m wanting. If I say, Gosh, I would love it. If the kitchen was clean. Then he’s like, Oh, okay. You know, I love the dishwasher and load it back up. And if I complain, he just totally can’t hear me. So it was it was really frustrating for me because I felt that I was telling him everything that I wanted. He was ignoring. It didn’t care about me or my happiness. And unfortunately, I just Well, it’s really sad. Like, I’ll tell you. We went to Hawaii, right, even before we were married, actually took me on this romantic trip to Hawaii. And I remember getting up and being like, oh boy, we’re gonna go to the beach today. And my first thing out of my mouth was like, hey, what do you want to do today? And he goes, Why don’t you be fun to go see a volcano? Sounds like volcano. Okay. And I but I wanted to be close. I want I need to be connected. So I thought, Well, I’m not gonna say that I wanted to go to the beach because I, I could cause a conflict. And then there’s like a winner and a loser. And I still want that, like, it just felt like there’s gonna be just sensing. So I just didn’t say anything. And we, we got in the rental car and just started driving around and you, you can’t actually see a volcano at first, you just are driving on this road with just a bunch of rocks next to you. It’s a hot day. And I think the rental car didn’t have air conditioning or something. So we’re just driving around the heat. And I started to get it like I started feeling I’m like, Ah, you know, she didn’t even ask me what I wanted to do. We’ve hit the beach right now. And this is a big waste of time. And he kind of catches on something is wrong. And he chose me. And so this is something in the matter. And I’m like, this would be fun, because this was so fun to do. And it was at the curb. No. Okay, no, all right, I totally lost. I mean, the way I’m saying it is probably even as angry and rude and obnoxious as I sounded that day. This was all red, and my hair was sticking up. And I just looked like some, you know, like, some weird monster in the car with him. Around I took my fiancee to Hawaii, like where did I? Where was my mistake. And I just feel sad for that previous version of myself. I just had no concept of being able to just express her desires purely. And he was like, Oh, if I’d known you want to go to the beach, he was like, reading away your bikini. And I was like, yes, you know. And after that, because he’s doing, like all about trying to make me happy. Yeah, it was, it was sad. It was terrifying. Because I knew, I remember having this horrible emotional hangover, like, you do. And you still like me, I’m really sorry, you know, and I just knew if I continue to act like that, I was gonna push them away. And, and I really had no idea how to not act like that. No, it’s been such a gift. And Fisher release it through learning the skills that I needed to have a good marriage. I have that I angry woman and she’s gone. I don’t know where she lives. Now. I was feeling my fear. And her. And it was, it’s, it’s really tragic when I think back on, you know, went away, that I just didn’t really know. I didn’t have the skills to advocate for myself.

17:24
Hmm, yeah, I love that I love I feel the same way I in my previous marriage, I was in a similar kind of just, yeah, the criticism was so such a pattern, such a culture in our relationship. And I love I love that you said Any fool can complain? And most do. Yeah, it’s good. It’s so true. But actually needing the skills are now having developed the skills. And so that was kind of the journey that that brought you to the books that you’ve written.

17:57
Yeah, yeah, there’s that saying, If you can’t be Catherine air, air tickets, he can’t be a good example, you’ll just have to be a horrible warning. And so like all these horrible things that I did, and it was, it was really fun. I just remember we self published my book, The surrendered wife, originally, because I said to my husband, I think there might be like 2000 women that can identify with me, and they have the same issue, you know, they’ll want to read this book, and you know, 150,000 copies later and, or whatever it is. I mean, it’s more than that. It’s way more than that now, but that was pulled out of the gate 20 years ago. So and women would write and say, Where was the tape recorder, it seems like you had a tape recorder in my kitchen or my dining room. So I wasn’t the only one. It was really comforting and kind of exciting to see that. Someday, I felt like it was this horrible secret that I had to keep right? Because we would, we would maybe like have a big fight on the way to the party, be late to the party, because we could pull over and fight. And then we’d be like, hey, everything’s great. Yeah, the life that we’re living at, and it was just, I felt so much shame about the conversations that were going on and, and I felt a loss of dignity about my tone of voice and the things that were coming out of my mouth. And you and I didn’t want to be around me.

19:25
Yeah, that’s, that’s awesome, in terms of just how you had to live in order to be an example in order to teach others.

19:33
Yeah, yeah, that it was very freeing, and was a huge Grossberg for me to just admit, things I say to my husband, I said to him, like he’d say, oh, I want to get a Christmas present for Pat and I’d be like, really? Did he get you a present last year? Yeah, so controlling and so overbearing? Yeah, proud of it, but It was, there was freedom and healing and just admitting that I was treating my

20:05
husband. Yes. In admitting that you’re treating? Yep. That’s yeah, that’s so true. And so I wanted to ask you, we do talk a lot about intimacy on the podcast, I wanted to ask you when you were saying, you know, that he would rather watch TV than even make love? I mean, what was that like for you?

20:25
Yeah, it was, it was really, it was heartbreaking. I think that like, that was when we were deep in marriage counseling. And it was totally not working. And yeah, I was just really feeling heartbroken. It was so painful. And I think that’s kind of why I felt like divorce was the only option. Like I couldn’t see my way. And I really, it really, the only way I could reason it out in my head, was there something wrong with him? I kept going with it. And it was, I was like, shocked and horrified and relieved, all at the same time to learn no harm the keeper relationship. I’ve got all the power here. And when I made the changes, you know, didn’t when I discovered the intimacy skills and started implementing them, yes. Sparks are harder than ever, you know, he was making better buys me again. And, and, and I felt more attractive. I was more attractive. And I was I stopped acting like his mother. I think that was kind of a big dynamic as I was like, his mom and he was a little boy and aren’t attracted to their sons and Sons aren’t, you know, men are? There’s so like, oh, it was kind of a intimacy killer right there. But you know, now, I just feel that’s like a such an area of strength for us. I mean, He’s memorized a complicated series of instructions on how to make the orgasm every time. It’s just like, it’s, we’ve mastered the art of the quickie. That’s actually awesome. So there’s Yeah, and I think there’s nothing like having the safety of a long marriage to really explore each other’s bodies and be tuned in to that. So you both really do feel successful. Because you get you get a lot of practice. And, yes, a lot of satisfaction on many levels. It’s a it’s such an opportunity to connect physically, but emotionally, spiritually as well.

22:32
Yes, yes. I love that you said it, you know, you’ve got the safety of a long marriage to, to explore and to really understand each other’s intimacy. And so that’s really great. Yeah, I love that I love I love what you shared. Now, would you be willing to give any insights into how to make a cookie? Awesome.

22:52
Sure. I went, yay, on time. Okay. I think I’m big on the importance of, well, first of all, frequency, right. So I mean, I get in my positions relationship coach for years, for 16 years. Now, I get to hear the insights of what goes on in a lot of marriages. And, and sometimes, you know, it’s like, Well, we haven’t had sex since the baby and how old is the baby baby’s three, you know, like, so first of all, it’s, I think, one big tip for me is just the idea of making myself available to my husband, at least once a week is kind of my rule of thumb. But I, for me, now, it didn’t start out this way. But for me now, like I want to just be available whenever he’s initiating. So that’s, that’s my policy, he knows that. So he’s got you know, he’s, you know, he’s not gonna get rejected in Jeff. So that’s a, that’s a pretty cool thing. Because I know, I don’t always start out in the mood. But that doesn’t mean I won’t end up there. So that’s a big part of it was really just being willing to take that opportunity when it came along. I see it as my opportunity to feel beautiful, to feel sexy, to feel desired and to feel pleasure. And that has been. So that’s, that’s one part it really it does. Like, the more frequently you do it, the better you get at it. But the other thing that I’m really big on is my own pleasure during sex like that is paramount. And we have the only organ on the human body that’s designed solely for us to feel pleasure, the clitoris so I take that as a metaphor that our pleasure is pretty important, not just in sex, but I take it as a metaphor for the rest of our lives as well. But in the in the bedroom, I mean, expressing my desires back to that again, right like what I want, like I want to back up to get me in the mood or I wanted to take a bath or I want some music or Whatever it is, that’s gonna. And that’s not that’s not necessarily for the quickies. But but being clear on what I want my desires are the care of Laura in the bedroom has really helped us get to where there’s a reliable, there’s reliable orgasms all around. And that so I can get there fast and back. Yeah, really fun.

25:24
No, that’s awesome. I love that I love that. Thinking about sex in for females to think about it as this is opportunity for pleasure. That’s right. That’s you know,

25:34
and and it may be your thinking. And a lot of times we are it, it almost never seems to be that we as women are like, Oh, he’s coming onto us going oh, yeah, now would be great. We’re always like, the Jewish kids like, right, right. Right. We’re never anything true. But I love the you know, I might be afraid there’s other things going on or whatever. And if I can just put that aside. Yeah, it really doesn’t take that long. When I was joking about, he’s like, Yeah, I’ll say to my wife, just give me five minutes. And I’m like that that might be part of the problem right there. But, yeah, it’s an opportunity to idle on a miss now. i Oh, I heard this story on the news that I loved about this woman who decided she made a decision, she’s going to have sex with her husband every day for a year to be interviewed on the news. After she’d done that. And she’s like, wow, I really had to get over my own impression of when I was sexy. And when I wasn’t, she’s like, I’d be thinking, Well, I haven’t showered. There’s no way and but he I look at him. And he’s like, yeah, baby. So she says I just had to give myself permission to adopt his point of view about how sexy I was. Yeah, it was, through that.

26:59
give myself permission to adopt his point of view.

27:03
Would you argue with that?

27:05
That’s true. Yep. Yep, I love it. I love it. And because I think it also, even in every other area of life, it comes into the bedroom, too. But if we’re not feeling confident in our body, we bring that kind of into the bedroom. And we feel not as good but giving our giving ourselves permission to adopt his point of view. I love

27:24
that. Yeah. Yeah. And then and it really just come back a little bit to I call it replenishing your spirit with self care. And I don’t mean, eight hours of sleep, or 30 minutes cardio or five fruits, vegetables, and what I mean is that you make yourself happy three times a day. And by doing that, that was just free EPA, because naturally, it takes a little bit of energy to have a great relationship, like anything else that’s worthwhile in life. And yeah, are depleted, you give yourself very little chance, having a great relationship. So I think, especially for women going back to the metaphor of us having the only organ designed for pleasure. We do better when we make it our priority. Frivolous fun every day.

28:10
Hmm. That’s awesome. We do better when we make it our priority to have frivolous fun every day.

28:17
Yeah. So good. For me, I’m super practical, like when people say stop, stop being controlling, I’m like, I don’t know. So for like making my pleasure, a priority. I, I implemented the structure of I would do three things a day, just to make me feel good. And for no other purpose not to reduce greenhouse gas emissions are recycling to avoid osteoporosis or anything else is just wow, the way a child is attracted to a ball or a swing, that kind of pleasure that I look for.

28:52
That’s so good. And then this translates into the bedroom right to be because, yeah, go ahead.

28:58
I think it can come since we’re usually in the same mode or the same mood as our husbands when they approach it. If you’ve got the energy reserves, if you’re still smiling because you you got out your paints and your easel or you’ve spent an hour connecting with a friend over a cup of coffee or, you know, you assemble things right that can really fill you up and make all the difference like you read your favorite blog you stuck away read your favorite blog for a while or play games on your phone or I like to play volleyball so it’s a big one for me, but if you’re if he’s if he’s approaching you, when you’re happy and filled up, you’re gonna It’s just usually have so much more resourcefulness within yourself. And like, yeah, what the heck, why not? Let’s get naked. Let’s do it.

29:48
And that’s true. That’s so true. I love that because you’re in the zone already of feeling enjoyable and having Yeah, yeah, having. I can’t let that

29:59
fun in life. Fear. We all are inherently unnatural. Our husbands fell in love with it. And that’s what makes it so attractive to them is when we are in that mode. So The Goddess pendant light is saying, Are you kidding? I can’t. I can’t make love with you right now. There’s dishes in the sink, right? Like, she’s like, alright, we’ll do this later.

30:20
Yeah, yeah. Ooh, that’s really good stuff. Laura, this is awesome. Wow, was not awesome. I just love Laura and all of her insights. And you can tell she just has an amazing marriage that you just kind of want to emulate years after, isn’t it true? Well, anyway, definitely come back and listen to the next half of this interview that we’ll be posting on Thursday. So come back for that. Okay. God bless you. Thank you so much for joining me today. And I hope that you have a wonderful, pleasure filled today today. Okay. God bless you. Bye.

31:02
Thanks for joining. If you’ve been inspired by this show, would you help spread the word? If you take a moment to review and subscribe others can find us more easily. Find out how to delight your marriage.com forward slash iTunes. Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion