DYM Ep61: Make Sex All About You with Laura Doyle

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Hi there! Belah here. Today is Part II of my interview with Laura Doyle of lauradoyle.org. On this episode, she gives us a picture of how her marriage looks like now, after letting go of the fear and learning from her own mistakes. Laura talks specifically about making sex about you—say what you want, to get what you want for pleasure. And she tells us that if words seems to be awkward in the bedroom, then whisper to your husband. This can paint a picture in his head. It’s a total win-win!

Check out Part I at delightyourmarriage.com/60

Through research and study, I’ve discovered the secrets I wish someone told me years ago! Receive my free gift: “The 4 Stages To His Best Oral Orgasm” by going to delightyourmarriage.com/4stages

You’ll Discover:

What Laura and her husband’s marriage looks like now
How she ultimately let go of her fear
How fear translated metaphorically into her relationship and her faith in God
How to be more bold and brave in the bedroom
How to focus on making sex about you—because you are a woman, and you can!

Books & Resources Mentioned:

Tweetables:

Laughter means emotional safety.
Sex is the one place that makes it amazing.
Make sex all about you.
As women, we sometimes forget who we are and that we are special.
All control is based on fear.
I feared that God wasn’t going to take care of me, that’s why I was controlling.

Thanks for listening! I hope you are encouraged to live in wholehearted intimacy!

Love,

Belah

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Trancript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah. Rose.

0:17
Hi there, and welcome. This is belah rose, and you are listening to the delight your marriage podcast. I want to thank you so much for joining me if this is your first time, it is definitely an honor to be able to speak with you today. And I have something for you that I’m going to be sharing on Tuesday. So tune in again. And I’ll let you know this very exciting project that I’m working on that I think you’re going to love too. Otherwise, I have a wonderful second half of the interview today for you, Mrs. Laura Doyle, who just gives so much amazing insight, I don’t want you to miss even a part. If you have not listened yet to the first part of this the first half, I want you to go back to Tuesday’s podcast and listen to it because it’s just so good. But we are listening to the second half of this. And let’s go ahead and dive in.

1:23
Cool, well, okay, so to move on to the second part of this, I would love to hear you did share a little bit already, but how your marriage looks like now you showed us kind of what it looked like in the difficult stage and and how has it transformed? Yeah. Well

1:43
I, I think is really exciting. And moving for me is I think about myself, like almost 26 years ago, standing in doctor and saying I do so with my big fluffy white dress on. And it’s kind of funny, there’s a picture of us that day where we’re just goofing around or whatever. But I’m like trying to pick him up. He’s in his tuxedo, I’m in my big white fluffy dress. And I’m going to pick him up. And I love to show that picture now. And it just says at the top, you know, not a relationship expert. Because I didn’t know a lot of things right. My parents were divorced. And following what I saw mom do and there’s a failed recipe by definition and but when I look back, now, I think that I was I was hopeful. And I was optimistic. And I just thought we could figure it out. And I just feel like I have the relationship now that I dreamed of when I said I do that all the things I hoped for. Oh my gosh, Sophia, still because you know, a month it was I almost didn’t have this. I almost I was divorced man of my dreams. Wow. And so it’s still pretty exciting to for me and gratifying. Yeah. Yeah. And I just, I just don’t know, anything that I think I value more than knowing how to love and be loved by my husband. Wow. And so yeah, it’s pretty great. And as I mentioned, there’s a lot of playfulness, you know, I just never know what I’m gonna get like, like a little shove into the flowerbed while we’re walking along or something. Like, Misha thing that kind of goes along with it. And I treasured that too. Because we, you know, we just love to laugh together and teach each other and I really went missing when there was we had a lot of Cold Wars at my house where there’s silence. But it wasn’t like, you know, it wasn’t just relaxed. I was like total tense silence, like, we’re not seeking silence kind of thing. And that that laughter to me is such a higher level of emotional safety and confidence in ourselves and each other and our connection.

4:09
Wow, the laughter is that emotional safety and confidence? Yeah,

4:14
exactly. You laugh when you’re scared. Yeah, yeah. So I laugh a lot. And I love to laugh.

4:24
Yeah, it’s just so beautiful to hear. It just feels like you’ve transported us there into this place of you know, roses and butterflies

4:37
like that, and she said butterflies to like the whole was so interesting is when I was in my controlling critical mode. There weren’t butterflies, of course, and there certainly weren’t butterflies in my stomach, right because I was kind of going around with my hardhat and my clipboard and my whistle or whatever. Managing everything. And now I do feel that exhilaration, like, even even with lovemaking, especially with that, too, right i Since I’m taking a more vulnerable approach, and more feminine approach, I don’t ever, like I used to say to him, like, we never make love, you know, my hands on my hips or whatever, which is so not attractive and was not. Right, let’s you mean? Yeah, so. And when I don’t know, I’ll just like I get my little Victoria’s Secret outfit on or whatever, put myself on, you know, I got a magazine or something, I’m just doing whatever, you know, like, it’s a normal day and I’m wearing my normal outfit, you know? But yeah, and he, you know, he was like, knock the magazine on my hand or something and just and or he won’t, you know. So I mean, you take a risk, right? We need to do it that way, you’re more vulnerable. And I’m, I’m kind of sending a signal like, Hey, I’m available. And it’s so much more exhilarating to be in that feminine role and get approached and feel desired and devoured than it is to like, have a clipboard?

6:13
Yes, yes. It’s so good. That’s interesting that you said that you take a feminine approach. So so it’s a very, very judicious like, you’re very intentional about being pursued. Is that right? Yeah.

6:28
Because I have what’s really important, what’s something I really value is feeling desired. And if I am telling him what to do, so even if I’m just saying, Hey, we should have sex or let’s have sex, it’s more of a, an order, right? It’s like, okay, let’s do it. Because you said we should do it. So we’re doing it. Whereas, so it’s almost like you can’t win from that position. Right? I can’t really, because I’m like, Wait, does he really? Does he think I’m hot? Or is he just doing it? Because I. Yeah. So for me, it’s just more thrilling and gratifying to to find out, see if you just RZ and yeah, the more I take that’s got us the fun and love, I approach, of course, and more feminine. I am right. That’s the, that’s the big thing, too. It’s like I can really set this gender contrast to like maximum, which is when the excitement’s the highest I get the more feminine I show up, the more masculine he shows up in another more, I’m like, Oh, he’s amazing. Oh,

7:34
I love that. I love that. Yeah,

7:37
it can be challenging these I think as modern women. Whether you’re raising kids, or you’re in the workplace for 40 hours a week, you are having to manage things. And that’s where you have maybe not your hardhat in your clipboard on right. So if you’re three hours a week, like I’ll give you an example, actually, my husband, before we met, he dated a teacher. She’s a third grade teacher. And she was in the habit of managing her eight, nine year old so she would say to my husband, John, she’d say, go sit down, put that away. Like she was still

8:11
oh, gosh, like, totally oh, gosh,

8:15
he broke up with her. I think it’s like, I mean, we can laugh at her. But in some ways, I think every modern woman has this challenge. Because you might be out buying stuff for the kids. And you’re also like, Okay, I’ll buy his underwear too, or you’re making their doctor’s appointments. And so you’re making his to do and it’s like, it’s a little bit, I think it can just take a little bit of concentration and focus to not fall into the role of mothering your husband, or managing your husband. Either one. Right, and both are deadly for intimacy.

8:50
Hmm. I just think that’s so important. I just hear it so many times from wives where it’s so evident that they are managing their husbands and yet, yeah, oh, it’s just in and sometimes I’m, you know, when I coach, it’s just exciting to hear like, okay, I can just say, Okay, listen to Laura Doyle’s interview. Just listen, if I was learning i that is Lord. Yeah. Yeah, I love that well. Okay. So tell us then if you could, if you could dumb down the three chief reasons that your marriage has been successful. Could you tell us those?

9:33
Sure. Well, first of all, I would say the first one is recognizing that intimacy is like anything else in life. It’s I thought, I mean, I had a friend in college, who took psychology because she was trying to figure out her boyfriend and I was like, That is so not necessary. And I had my own little self program and my textbooks were like Cosmo and glamour. I’m like, I’ve got this handle. So And so sadly, you know, surprisingly, everything that I learned about how to that was true about how to have a successful relationship was kind of the opposite of what I learned in those magazines. It’s the opposite of marriage counseling, where you go and complain about each other for an hour a week, or fix him or, or say disrespectful things in front of a stranger. And it has been like, that is just setting you back emotionally. And so for me, I think, you know, finding people that had what I wanted, and really asking for their advice, that was huge. Yeah. My mom give me write that information. She didn’t have it herself. But I think about it like the way I think about a 16 year olds, like, we don’t just hand in the car keys and say, Hey, you’re 16 Now go take the car for a spin. Yeah, have fun. Okay. Okay, first, you need some driving lessons, you know, behind the wheel, we give you a written test, then you’re, you’re gonna take the exam and get a license. And then and only then, do we expect you to even then we think you might get into a little accident, no. And I just think it’s the same way with relationships. But if you haven’t had good modeling, if your parents are divorced, or if they don’t have the kind of relationship you want to have, then you just need to go somewhere else to get the skills and there are just, you know, there’s six distinct intimacy skills that have made all the difference for me. So that’s one thing is just really treating it as one more thing that you want to learn and master if it’s important to you like making an omelet or learning to ski. And then and I think the site for you go

11:45
to the second one, can you tell us where can we find those skills? Oh,

11:48
sure. Absolutely. Yeah. So um, they are? Well, my new book, it’s called First kill all the marriage counselors, and I spell out each and every one of the skills and describe this very specifically and practically, exactly how to apply them like down to the words that you can use with your husband that will get you amazing results. And you can go to get cherished.com. And it’s all about feeling desire, cherished and adored everyday for life, and get cherished, calm, we have a get chairs to challenge. And so it’s my goal for every woman to really enjoy her birth, right, which is to be desired, cherished and adored. So I want that to happen. Like maybe starting this weekend, let’s say so if you do get cherished challenge, you will get a series of emails with experiments that you can try in your marriage, to see if you get good results. And let me just tell you, yo, well, because this has been tried with hundreds of 1000s of women all over the Yang ages. And it’s really it really works.

12:54
That’s awesome. That’s so cool. Okay, get cherished, calm. We’ll also have this linked up, but delight your marriage. So we’ll have that for you, too. Okay, so the second one?

13:02
Well, the second one, I think, for me was really about restoring my dignity, and kind of back to the courage theme. And that is that just using the tone of voice, more befitting of a calm, mature woman, and not the one of like a screeching child or my mother on her worst day. So really, I feel like through this process of trying to save my marriage, I really became my best lawyer like this was the best self improvement program I could have ever undertaken. And it’s transformed me in so many ways. And that that dignity thing is just been huge. I feel I feel so much better. I’m not that person who’s always having to fight city hall anymore. I’m calmer and I’m just more dignified is the word that that comes to mind. And then I think that the third thing that has made all the difference for me, huge, huge difference is a community of like minded women. And it’s not the easiest thing to find even a church, it’s not the easiest thing. And I think that’s partly because, again, there’s just, I mean, we don’t have relationships, one on one in school. And if you didn’t have good modeling, it’s like we’re gonna find these women that have good relationships, and want to only improve that and strengthen that foundation by being respectful and being feminine and receptive. And I think that if you’re having trouble finding that, I mean, that’s one of the things that we’ve worked hard to do is create that community because your husband can’t be your sole support. It just isn’t possible, right? He’s one man and Deborah Tannen talks about how women use about 2500 words a day more than men do. And I laugh and think about I know my house and probably The whole world over it like six or seven at night, like he’s out a word. And you’re still like, Hey, I got 2500 words left to use here. Sisters girlfriends. Yeah. And there’s gonna be times as a mere mortal woman that your husband does get on your very last nerve. So I don’t want to leave the impression that he never hurts my feelings or walks up the new rug with his black shoe polish on or anything for that, like, Hey, I’ve already got Okay, now my rug is ruined. That’s one problem. If I make my marriage a mess out of it, then I got two problems. So I can, I can vent to a girlfriend say, my Rogue and she can empathize. And that feeling gets to stay in the sun. But one problem I don’t have is bickering in my marriage.

15:47
Hmm. Yeah. I love that. Yeah, I love that. You say that? There’s two problems then after you. Yeah, you’ve got a messed up rug, and you’ve got a messed up relationship, or you’ve got to fight through or whatever. Yeah, I love that. Okay, well, we’ve talked about intimacy quite a bit. But if you could, would you share a tip that you wish you knew about earlier? And specifically, sexual intimacy?

16:09
Yes. Well, I really love the policy of being available whenever your husband approaches you for lovemaking. And I’ll tell you well, I’ve taken a lot of heat from that suggestion, because I think people here like, wait, but it’s my body and I get to choose and sure horse you always get to choose. And what I’m suggesting is that you choose the opportunity to have that physical, emotional, spiritual connection with your husband, as it really is the thing that distinguishes a romantic relationship from every other relationship you have, like you might not your kids, you might share intimately, emotionally with your sister. But the one thing that really makes a romantic relationships special and amazing. And if that if that piece goes missing, or is hurting, it really affects the whole rest of the relationship. So can be for that stress relief for that pleasure to get those great chemicals going through your brain actually that result. And, you know, for I have clients that say, well, it’s just, it’s not that fun. For me, it’s like, you know, it’s just for him. And I just want to make it all about you make it the most pleasant thing you can think of. He really does want to make you happy in bed. So it’s incumbent on us to figure out how that’s going to happen. Like I say, my husband has memorized a complicated set of instructions to make sure that always thrilled in the bedroom. Like, you know, it was not easy. I’m sure it was like, Wait, that’s not true. Okay, no. And I just find, I mean, I’ve asked 1000s of men, I’ll say, how important is it to you that your wife is happy? And they all say the same thing? No, it’s It’s everything. So most important things very, yeah. So yeah, if you’ve gotten to a place where sex just feels like a chore, yeah, hey, that you good news. You’re the one with the power to transform that and really make it an area of strength and pleasure and fun.

18:21
Hmm, I love that. Yeah, I love that. So just make sex all about you. It’s brilliant. It is always all

18:29
about us, as women. Forget, you know, we forget who we are and how we were made special. But when you bring yourself back to that place, you remind yourself to get mindful of it again. Bye bye. And one of the little tips if I if we still have time, I just think about this is that if you’ve got something that you want to have happen in the bedroom, it where’s your awkward sometimes in the bedroom, so you know, it can be really sexy and just titillating and fun is when you’re somewhere else with him like you’re out to dinner or you’re you’re out walking together and you can just like whisper in his ear, you know, you know, great, really awesome is if we pretended you were a pilot and I was uh, you know, I was right, like, whatever it is. Just bring it to him outside the bedroom. He knows he’s gonna take notes. And then when you’re inside the bedroom, you know, like, look, the words just be minimal, because you can give a lot of feedback verbally, but non verbally to write you can be funny, or just expressing your pleasure without actually using words.

19:39
Yeah, no, that’s so good. I just love that. Awesome. Okay, well, now, kind of my final question to you is due to the specific marriage that you’ve had, what are some opportunities you’ve had to serve or get to know God?

19:53
Okay, well, I gotta tell you, for me. The whole concept of surrendering has been to Just one big spiritual journey where I’ve really grown to trust God. And what I mean by that is, I didn’t, I didn’t trust my husband to do things. And I felt like I had to control them. And that was all all control is based in fear. You know, if you’re not afraid, you’re going to have to wait longer or pay more or do more work. You don’t have to try to control it. And so it was a giant metaphor for me, like, my husband’s not going to take care of me. And I was like, oh, God’s not going to take care of me. That was the fear. And by using the opportunity I had in my marriage to practice having faith in my husband and trusting my husband, it gave me these incredible trust muscles for God. And, like I say, this just gigantic, thrilling adventure unfolded for me as I started to do that. And the more that I you know, and as I continue to do that, I, I, I mean, my life is amazing now, right? I get from home, being a writer and a relationship coach, and I work with other relationship coaches, you know, I have 20 coaches here at Laura Doyle, connect, and I get to connect with them every week, my, my community of women and so, like, it’s like, all these blessings that have come out of you know, there was a practical lesson for me in a spiritual realm. And my husband was here he was that lesson, like, just, yeah, it was just about, I’m, I’m such, I really feel like I am a woman of faith. Now. Understand, before, I know what faith meant, I didn’t know what humility meant before. And so both of those have been really. I feel like those are big blessings that I got.

21:56
Yeah. Yeah, I love I love those metaphors, talking about how all all control is based in fear. And that fear, fearing that God is not going to take care of me, and that’s why we control and oh, that’s so good. Someone out there needed that. Maybe it was me. Really good. Yeah,

22:15
I appreciate getting to hear myself say it too, because it’s just a reminder of for me, because it the fear is still going to come up. And if I just go back to my quote, If I make the decision that something else is more important to trust my husband to trust God, then that’s when the amazing miracles happen. Right? I mean, the whole thing for me, I do feel like I got my miracle in my marriage. And yeah, no, I’m very grateful and thankful to God for that.

22:46
Man, that’s, that’s so good. So then a book or program that you would specifically recommend?

22:52
Oh, I recommend this right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And, and first, kill the marriage counselors. You know, I mean, the Turner wife is just always, it’s such a precious thing to me, because it’s helped me connect with so many women all over the world that identified and really got a lot of hope. out of it. So at that book was, it’s a 15 year old book. And, and it just, you know, I continue to get an email, I get emails and Facebook posts every day, like, oh, my gosh, I just read her wife, and wow, oh, you know, my whole world is changed. So this girl, I certainly recommend that for me that first killed a marriage counselors is it’s my new book. And it really represents like, everything I’ve learned from coaching all these women in the last 16 years, I felt like I’m a little bit, you know, I mean, some wisdom has come over those years that I didn’t have when I wrote the surrender wife. But anyway, so they’re both they’re both like my children. I love them both out. And I promise you’ll find blessings in both of those books. Oh, that’s

24:01
awesome. We’ll we’ll take good care of your children and read them up and be excited about them. So that’s, that’s awesome. Yeah. And I’ll also have those linked up on on the show notes. So that’s great. Okay, so my final question is, if you could go back to year one, sit yourself down. What is the one piece of advice that you would give to you?

24:27
Yeah, I feel sad for when you’re married Laura. She didn’t know what she was afraid of. I think that was that’s the main thing. That she was so scared every day, and just like took shallow little breaths and just didn’t see how things were gonna ever work out. And, um, I guess I would just, I just would want to tell her that you know, you’re doing good, you’re doing fine. You’re gonna find your path. And, and it’s, it maybe isn’t going to look exactly the way you think it is. But you’re gonna have a great adventure, and a great love story. And yeah, I don’t know how that’s applicable to other women exactly as I’m saying that this was helpful advice, but I like it. Yeah, the reassurance that, yeah, faith in things that are unseen. Right. So I guess that’s what I’d say to her most is as have some faith. Awesome.

25:29
Yeah. Yeah. No, I love that I think it gives you gives the long view because even if it’s really difficult in the short term, you’ve got Laura here, who’s 26 years later, and has the, you know, most fun, playful marriage you can ever think of. So it’s awesome. Okay, well, where can our audience find and connect with you online? That

25:51
I think the best thing is to go to the get cherished calm and and see the gift to get cherished challenge. But I will tell you, I also have a weekly blog at Laura doyle.org as an orgasm. Most people don’t know that’s what it stands.

26:09
They know most people don’t. You’re right. Yeah. I’m glad to you know.

26:14
So I tried to just pack it full, which is the most ridiculously helpful information that I can every week and some inspiration. So yeah, welcome, everybody, to the blog to

26:27
Awesome. Well, clearly, Laura’s so much fun. And I’m just so grateful that you were able to share and give us so much wisdom and insight, Laura, thank you.

26:36
Thank you. Well, it’s just really been a pleasure. Thank you so much. Oh, absolutely.

26:45
Well, I hope that you just got as much out of Laura, being with us as I did. I really love her insights about making sex all about you and making sure that it is the one place that your relationship gets to be intimate. No other relationship is like that. And so I really love so much of her insights there. Okay, well, thank you again for joining me today. And I’m just praying that God would bless you and bless your marriage. I love you. Thank you. Bye bye.

27:17
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion.

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