Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Hi there! Belah here. Today, I have with me J Parker of hotholyhumorous.com. She was one of my very first guests here on the Delight Your Marriage podcast, and I am so glad that she is back for another episode. J emphasizes the importance of sex and tells us why it is something that we should all be enjoying in our marriage. She gives us tips and advice, from prepping your mind to setting the mood for intimacy. It’s a fantastic episode, you’ll definitely learn a lot! So listen in and be inspired.

Get my video series: How To Spice Up The Bedroom!

Scripture/Quote:

• Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. Songs of Solomon 8:4

You’ll Discover:

• Why frequent sex is important
• Why it is important to enjoy sex
• How we can be intentional and be in the right place to enjoy sex
• Why sex is a part of marriage that you should be enjoying
• How to get over physical difficulties that hinder you from enjoying sex

Tweetables:

• Sex is a feast from God.
• Be an advocate of your own body.
• When the desirable time arrives, we have to awaken the love.
• Make sex a priority. Set goals with your spouse.
• Take some time to prepare yourself—your mind, your body, and even your bedroom.

Thanks for listening! I hope you are encouraged to live in wholehearted intimacy!

Love,

Belah

—

Episodes come out Tuesday & Thursday mornings. But, in case you forget…I love to subscribe with my phone so I never miss an episode. You can too:  

If you enjoyed this episode, would you add your review to iTunes (via your phone or computer)? It will encourage me & it will help others find the podcast easier. Find out how at delightyourmarriage.com/itunes Thank you!

Transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah. Rose.

0:19
Hi, there. This is belah rose. And thank you so much for joining me today. I feel like you and I are family. And so I’m going to share with you that today is my birthday. It’s I recorded this September 13. So that is the special day on my calendar. And my husband actually is working tonight, but we are going to celebrate when he is off on Wednesday. So I got a couple of big announcements for you. So first off, I just want to also say welcome back. Thank you for joining me again, after having a week off of the delight your marriage podcast, I decided to do that because I had done a video series. And if you didn’t get a chance to see that you can go to delight your marriage.com/video. But I wanted people to have time to go ahead and listen to that video series. So I had the break. But I also have been thinking about what would serve you best and how to continue to delight your marriage podcast in the weeks and months following. So I have made a decision to have a single podcast episode go out every week. So that’ll be coming out on Tuesdays from now on. So not Tuesdays and Thursdays, but just on Tuesdays so I can really spend time focusing in on serving you, I’ve got some coaching clients that I’m excited to be serving. And I’ve got a couple of other things that I’m doing. And I wanted to make sure that I continue to give you such exciting material from wonderful guests. And also I’d like to share different ideas here and there when I can with you and answer your questions. So that is the news. And today I have a wonderful guest Her name is Jay Parker. This is actually the second time I’ve had her on the podcast. And she’s talking about how to enjoy sex more. And a lot of times as wives we get in the habit of just going through the tasks of the day or what needs to be done or who didn’t need to be called and responded to and all this. And we forget that we should be enjoying this wonderful experience happening right there. So Jay gives some great tips, some great insights. And I wanted to dive into her story before I do I want to say that. It since it is my birthday, if you do get a chance, I would so so appreciate some love from you. If you can go to your iPhone or your computer that has iTunes on it. And you can just search for the delight your marriage podcast, and write a review for us. I listen, I read each one of those. And they mean the world to me. I love what people say on that. And so just when you get a chance for my birthday, if you could go to the iTunes search, delight your marriage, and then write us a review. Thank you so much. God bless you and I’ll talk to you on the other side.

3:34
Well, welcome back delight your marriage listener. I’m thrilled that you’re joining me today. Today. I have Jay Parker from hot, holy and humorous. And this is her second time on the podcast. And welcome Jay, how are you today?

3:46
I’m doing wonderful. Thanks for inviting me back.

3:49
Oh, my pleasure. I feel like, gosh, this was you were in episode two and three. And we have already gotten to Episode 63. So it’s been a while

4:01
I know I’m so excited that you’ve been going and blowing and and given some great programming for people out there encouraging marriages. It’s just been fabulous.

4:11
Oh, thank you so much. Thank you, I really appreciate that. It’s been, it’s been wild. And I was telling you just before we got off the on the call, you know, sometimes when we are weak, God is strong. And I just I feel that today I feel that so often that that God is strong when we’re weak, you know, he uses our little weak will and our weak abilities and he uses that uses it for His glory. So God willing, that’s what’s happened so far with dy M. And that’s what’s gonna happen today on our call. And today just to introduce our topic, I wanted to have J Back to talk about how to enjoy sex more. I mean, just recently on a coaching call I had with someone she was just like, I really have never enjoyed sex and you know, she’s been married umpteen years and she’s got you know, just just how do we enjoy sex more so that’s, that’s the broad Topic, we’re gonna go into a lot of different things. But yeah, can I just start by asking you, Jay, what do you think about that question?

5:08
I think it’s a great question. I think it’s a question a lot of wives are asking. And a lot of times wives get into marriages, and they and they begin having sex and they think, wow, is is this it? Yeah. You know, this had really great billing before I got here. And I’m not sure that I’m not impressed. Yeah, but that’s, of course, you know, one of the things I think we need to give ourselves permission to take time to, to sort of learn to like it. I mean, yes. You know, some people like the dish that served immediately. And some people it takes a little more time to develop their taste, but it is a feast from God. And I believe we all can enjoy it.

5:51
A feast from God. Yeah. So what do you so let’s talk about the wife that hat does enjoy it straight out of the gate, like? And then let’s say things slow down. It’s a different season. I mean, what can you tell her?

6:08
That’s a great question, too. Because we think sometimes you’re just one way or the other, you either enjoy sex or you don’t. And that’s really not how this happens. We do go through seasons. I know there are some women who struggle throughout and some women who do great throughout, but I think those are our unusual cases, I think most of us have ups and downs. And and even I who I think I have a fairly strong sex drive, I had my marriage when I was not enjoying it that much. And I didn’t care that much about it. For me, that was after my kids were born, and I was an exhausted young mother and an otter, honestly, my husband would get home and I would think I don’t even want another person touching me. On me all day long. Yeah. So. But yeah, I think that, that we have to realize that our bodies are very much a part of this, that we can’t control that entirely. Yes, our mind is a big part of what’s going on. But also our bodies plan to this and our bodies have seasons, through our marriage, our relationship has seasons, our headspace has different seasons, and all those things do need to come together, for us to really enjoy that intimate experience with our husbands. But that’s good. We can be very intentional in getting ourselves into that headspace and getting our bodies to cooperate in working out our relationships so that this can come together in this this wonderful, perfect storm, if you will. Yes. And we can we can enjoy that.

7:56
Yes. And that is exactly what I want to dive into more of is that being intentional? How can how can a wife be intentional about? Let’s let’s start with her thoughts? How does she start being intentional about having sex more or enjoying sex more?

8:12
Yeah, yeah. I and I think that’s good that you made that distinction, too. Because sometimes we think, well, we just, it’s just that we need to have more sex, have more sex, and believe me, I on my blog, often say have more sex. Yeah, a lot of marriages are not having enough. And I also believe it’s a bit like a, like a muscle, if you don’t ever use it, then you, you know, it kind of atrophies a little bit. But more importantly, it’s not just about the frequency you are as a beloved wife of God, at Child of God, He wants you to enjoy this experience. And so, you know, he wants you to bring your A game bedroom. And so I think the first thing we need to do with our thoughts is recognize that you are supposed to enjoy this. This is a part of your marriage, you should be delighting in the God intends for this to be something not just for him, but for you and for your marriage. And so when you understand that when you accept that in your mind, that this is something good. This is something pleasurable, this is something you can enjoy. This is something for you. Yeah, then I think that you start it becomes something you want to pursue. So if you’re not mentally there, or if your body’s not there, or your relationships not there, but you recognize this is something that you should have, you become much more passionate about finding answers, seeking opportunities. You know, doing what you need to do to get back to that space or Just introduce yourself to that part of marriage.

10:05
Hmm, yeah. Okay, so then when when a wife has decided this is something that she should be able to enjoy? What would you kind of how can you kind of guide her to get into a place of where she is enjoying it? So she’s gotten to a place of Yes. Okay, this is a gift for me from God. What’s her next step?

10:28
I think that well, there’s there’s so several different parts that I’ve looked at. I do think for me, the first step is to also make sure physically that this is not a problem, because one of my problems it at a time in my marriage, when I was not enjoying sex, is I was very low on estrogen. And I was not diagnosed properly on that. And so sexual intercourse was anywhere from uncomfortable to extremely painful. And when I finally got some answers about that, it really helped me to just enjoy the experience more. So anyone out there who’s experiencing some physical difficulties, whether it’s, I guess I’ll get specific here, whether it’s minus whether it’s pain during sex, if it’s that she just doesn’t feel into it. I know that some women do react poorly to oral contraception, and it can be a problem for their libido. Maybe they’re on some medications that have side effects. Maybe there’s something physical with their vaginas construction, or, or whatever. You know, I think that that’s a good place to start mixture, your body is cooperating. Yeah, what it should be doing.

11:44
Yeah. And it sounds like you’d even encourage, like going to the doctor and getting things checked with an OBGYN. Right? Yes.

11:51
And I think that also, it’s part of our thing to think, Oh, I can’t really talk about that. I can’t really talk about my sex life and die, you know, and and what do I really say, and I started talking to doctors and nurses, and I just have to say, you’re not going to say something that’s going to shock them. This is their job, okay, it’s their job to make sure your body is functioning the way it’s supposed to. And one of the things with a female reproductive system is that his sex is supposed to be primed and working for sexual relationships with your husband. So if it’s not ask questions, and if you don’t get answers, go ahead and continue to talk. There are some doctors unfortunately out there. And I think there are fewer than people might think, but they are out there who won’t listen to you. And if you’re not getting answers, I would say pursue other avenues. I did have to leave a doctor at one point and get help elsewhere. But, you know, the majority of my doctors have been fabulous when I brought it up. Yeah. So So yeah, go to your doctor, check those things out. And ask questions. Be willing to to be an advocate for your own body.

13:13
Yeah. I love that, that you really just need to be willing to accept that your body has certain needs and certain things that might be going on with it and just have the confidence to bring it up to ask the questions to get somewhere that is willing to answer your questions if that doctor isn’t so I think that’s really good. So let’s say physically, she’s checked out she’s figured it out Still, she’s having trouble actually enjoying the act.

13:44
Yeah, you’re you’re not alone. Just Just in case, in case you’re wondering if your body is is cooperating, there’s nothing wrong and everything and you’re still kind of not there. It doesn’t mean you can’t get there. Because I think the other thing we have to understand about our bodies is they don’t work exactly like you’ve seen in the movies. They don’t work like your husband’s body. They we are we’re different gods thankfully made us different. Yeah. And so I love the song a song says at one point it says do not awaken love until it’s so desires. And I think that we stress a lot of times and I kept always hearing that well do not awaken love, do not awaken love. And I focus so much on that, that I think I missed the second half of that until it so desires. Which if you flip that around is when when the desirable time arrives, we have to awaken our love. Hmm And so I’m you know, I’m one of those people that please don’t wake me up quickly. I’m not a fun morning person if my husband is right in my face. And and I think sometimes it’s an it’s an analogy for I think how sex sometimes happens in our marriages is, is we have this you know, this sex moment, it’s just boom, right there in your face. And yes, you haven’t taken the time to awaken it. And I think that this is one of the problems we have with enjoying sex is that we don’t realize that that is women, we need to slowly Awaken that love, awaken our bodies, awaken our minds, awaken that sensual part of ourselves. Know that when we finally get to that point of having intercourse, it is a truly enjoyable experience. That’s part of this bigger hole of who we are as a sexual wife. Mm hmm.

15:47
I love that awaken love. So, in practical terms, what would a wife do to awaken love?

15:54
Yeah, so get to the nitty gritty, right.

15:57
I mean, I love I love the I just really love the theoretical, and it’s really beautiful. But I think sometimes people need Okay, step by step. Yeah, actually,

16:06
they’re awakened love, like somebody, you know, motivational speech, and like, what does that mean? Alright, so let’s talk details. So I, I think there’s specific things that we can do, which is that we need to prime ourselves to anticipate next is a good thing. So we can start getting our minds ready. So throughout the day, while you know, while you’re not engaged in sex, you can think about things that are sexual related with your husband, for instance, go ahead. And remember the good times there’s a great thing about memory, that past memories, good memories can help us anticipate good future. And so it’s good for us to you know, you’re you’re putting the kid down for a nap, or you’re, you know, doing the cooking, or you’re taking a break at work, or whatever it is you’re doing, you know, pause and think about that time you made love that it was special and wonderful. And you laughed, and it was terrific. And savor that memory. Also, anticipate those things, think about what you enjoy about your husband, you know, Team him up sexually in your head, what is it that you like about him? Like one of the things that I really think about sometimes this man, I just love my husband’s hands, and how it’s different from mine. I mean, minor I very small hands. And, and they’re, you know, they’re small, and they’re, he’s or he’s are bigger, and they’re a little rougher and they’re stronger, and they have a very different touch. And so when I think about that, it draws me to him. So think about whatever it is about your husband, yet draw draws you to him that makes you physically sexually attracted to him as a man and to your as your man. Yeah, I think we can also make plans for sex. Most women are planners, I know that there are a lot of spontaneous gals out there. But a lot of us even if we are spontaneous, and moments, we think about things we want to do. Yeah. Our heads are always going, always going. Yes, yes. And so we can make a part of that. You know, thinking about having sex, and yeah, planning time for it. And that could look like scheduling. I am a fan of scheduling sex. But sex is could be, look, every Saturday morning, we have sex. I know a couple that that’s their routine. And they look forward to it. It could also be you know, contacting your husband and saying, Hey, I’m thinking about some alone time for us tonight. What’s your calendar look like? It can be or it could be walking in from work and saying, look, let’s get the kids down early tonight. And if you can help me do that, then we can have some US time. Mm hmm. But if we just sort of make that something that’s going on in our heads, we’re thinking about what’s for dinner? What’s going on with the kids activities? You know, is it a shave your legs day, whatever our head and then just add sex to that to that role of stuff going on in your head. So it becomes a priority

19:59
and you It’s something I want to go back to, I want to stay on this and keep going. But before we do something you said earlier is you’re a big proponent for frequent sex. I am too. And obviously, this is what our ministers are about. But what why is frequent sex important to a couple if you could answer that?

20:17
Well, first of all, I’ll say there’s been a great study out there that says that you become really great at an activity once you put in 10,000 hours of practice. So, you know, there’s a little something to hey, you know, the more you do something, the more comfortable you are doing it. Yeah, the better you are doing it, the more you know, one another’s bodies, the more you know what each other likes. Um, so there is something to doing something often enough to kind of get cozy and comfortable and a bit expert at it. Yes, yes. But also, I think that this is this is part of the awakening of love, that that our bodies as we use them more in that way. Yeah, we prime them more in that way. I hear sometimes from women who say, Well, we have sex once a month, and it just hurts every time. And I think, well, if I ran three miles, once a month, I would be so sore after every single time. Yeah, but you know, that thing, I don’t know if you’ve ever done this, but I’ve done this where I am going to get in shape. And so you find yourself up for the one hour aerobics class. Yeah, you’re gonna, you’re gonna bang it all out today. And right, the next day, you can’t move. But I, but if you slowly make this a part of your life, if you exercise regularly, then your body starts actually craving that. Yeah, and it feels great. And you get these highs. And I think our bodies are like that, too. And all the studies say these things to that the frequent sex are is good for us in terms of our body chemicals, we have this adrenaline rush, we have this extra rush of oxytocin, which is a chemical in our bodies that that Bond’s us to the person that we’re engaged with. And what’s fascinating about this, too, is we don’t, that they’ve shown that men don’t have this same experience with women, they’re not connected to like if they have a one night stand, and God there is a one night stand, he does not get that oxytocin rush. He has sex in a covenant marriage, he gets it, he gets all of it. And so there are those things that that we benefit from, with frequent physical contact with got closeness, that actually nurtures our relationship and keeps that intimacy. primed and in good shape.

23:13
Yeah. Yeah, that’s really good. I like how you’re, you know, analogizing it to a, like getting in shape. And it’s funny because I have a wedding I’m in in a in a couple of months. And so I’m really focused on getting off the baby weight. So I’m yeah, I’m like, that’s gonna be my, my reason, you know, kind of a goal. Right. That’s, that’s what, but also a time limit. I almost got. Well, I was gonna say, I think sometimes we have to have goals in our intimacy to help us realize like, okay, more frequent sex, then it needs to be a priority in my, in my marriage. And I wonder if you could comment on that a little bit. I’m making it a priority. Yeah, on almost like having will having a goal to Yeah, make it a priority, or to do it more often than we’re currently at?

24:05
Yeah, you know, when we become intentional about making something happen, we tend to have more progress. And I think we get upset too sometimes, because we’re like, Well, I’m gonna lose 10 pounds in the next three months, and and then we lose two, and we’re just so mad. And it’s like, yeah, you lost two pounds. Yeah. Yeah. Wouldn’t have lost if you hadn’t set a goal. Right? That’s right. I think that when we set goals, we were not going to do everything perfectly that you know, exactly why we need Jesus. Right. And I don’t do everything perfectly, perfectly. We don’t have a perfect sex life. I write about marriage. I write about sex. And sometimes I’m sure people think, Oh, well, they are just rocking it all the time. No, but we haven’t we make it a priority. We set goals. Sometimes it doesn’t happen. And we have had moments where we’ve looked up and we were like, oh, Wow, this is this has fallen off. We’ve got to work on this. But once we say that once we make it a goal again, yeah, then then it improves. And I think that’s important to say, Look, I am, I am here at my marriage at point A. And maybe I want to get all the way out there to point B. But I’m not going to have any movement at all if I don’t start walking towards. And I’m, and I love when couples say things like, you know, it’s not perfect, but I can tell that we are so much better than we were two years ago. Yeah. And, and I’m also a firm believer, and look, you’ve got a lifetime, you said, I am married to you till death do us part. And so it’s not necessary to figure out every single thing in the next two weeks. Make this a goal for your marriage. And yes, you you want to have you want to see some progress along the way. But oh, our sexual intimacy is so much better now than it was 10 years ago. Hmm. And that was better than it was years before that. And yours. Yeah, that and you know, it’s not perfect all the time. But it just gets fuller and fuller and better and better, in my opinion, as an overall thing.

26:36
Well, that is the first half of our conversation. Thank you so much. I hope that it is helping you to get the wheels turning on how to have intimacy enjoyable for you. And if you’d like to go the next step. With me, you can sign up for my coaching, go to delight your marriage.com click on contact and contact me about how you can move forward in your intimacy. This is for wives only. But I really believe that this is something that could mean a lot for your marriage and your intimacy. Okay, God bless you. Thank you so much for listening, and I’m praying for you and your marriage. Bye bye.

27:15
Thanks for listening. Stop by delight your marriage.com to check out all the show notes as well as many more resources and articles. Until next time, live with love, wisdom impassion