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Hi there! Belah here. Today is Part II of my interview with Kay Bruner of kaybruner.com. On this episode, she talks about how her marriage looks like now. She reminds us to stop trying so hard and to just let go. Kay also shares how she stopped worrying about every single thing and tells us that God is always there for us; He will never forsake us. Kay also shares about the time when she wasn’t that open to the blessings of God, thinking that she can handle everything on her own. But the truth is, we all need his grace. We just have to be more gracious toward Him.

Check out Part I at delightyourmarriage.com/70

You’ll Discover:

• How Kay’s marriage looks like now
• What steps she took to take her marriage to a better place
• How perfectionism didn’t do her any good in the early stages of her marriage
• Tips and advice to delight more in your marriage and intimacy

Resources:

• KayBruner.com
• As Soon As I Fell: A Memoir by Kay Bruner

Tweetables:

• “Don’t worry about everything being perfect.”
• “The more that our friendship grew, the easier our sex is.”
• “The more gracious I’ve allowed God to be, the more everything became easier.”
• “None of us have a clue what God is doing.”
• “I resolve to be that person: to tell my story and to be out with it so that other people won’t feel alone – like how I felt.”
• “Be strong and courageous for the Lord Your God is with you wherever you go.”
• “God does not tell us ahead of time where we’re going to go.”

Thanks for listening! I hope you are encouraged to live in wholehearted intimacy!

Love,

Belah

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Transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah. Rose.

0:19
Hey, there, this is Bella, thank you so much for joining me. If this is your first time, I want to say welcome. This is a safe place where we talk about the hard stuff, we talk about the annoying stuff, and the difficult stuff and the intimate stuff and the sexy stuff and all this kind of thing in marriage that we all go through, but we seldom talk about. So I want to thank you so much for joining today. I do want to read to you a review, as I’ve been doing recently as because it really does encourage me and it encourages all of us as we are going on this trek together to have more fulfilling marriages. So this one says I really love the vulnerability and honesty found in each episode, I find that while I have many married friends around me, few have been in their marriages for long enough to to struggle, overcome and feel courageous enough to share those lessons. In this podcast, I felt the wisdom and earnest guidance gleaned from truly figuring life out together, I walked away considering new ways to love my husband well, and new ways to experience God through my marriage. I’m very much looking forward to future episodes. So I want to thank you so much for writing that that was an awesome review. And if you have not yet reviewed, you can do that. All you need to do is search delight your marriage, you click on the podcast and click write a review. You have to search it first. But that’s how you do it. That would mean a lot to me. So thank you, thank you. And let’s go ahead and dive in to the second half of Kay burners interview where she talks a lot about how to grow an intimacy in every area of your marriage. Okay, we’ll talk on the other side

2:10
well, my next question for you is about what your marriage looks like. Now, you told us a little bit about the really hard times. What is it like now?

2:21
I love it. Oh, no, this is the this is the, you know, the relationship that I wanted and, you know, tried to control my way into and, you know, by being so good and trying so hard and doing everything the right way. You know, the way that’s, you know, how I thought it was gonna be and instead, you know, through this huge mess of pornography and nervous breakdown, and, you know, just this. I’ve said many times, it’s like, crawling over broken glass. You know, that’s how it felt. And out of that is, you know, this friendship that Andy and I have, you know, that, you know, he’s an amazing person. Yeah, you know, just empowers me to be the person that that I think God intends me to be. You know, gives me like, the incredible freedom to have this weird, kind of bizarro career where, you know, I see clients or I don’t see clients, I write books, or I don’t write books, you know, yeah, I’m just very, you know, so grateful to him for just being that kind of a, of a friend and a spouse to me. Um, you know, and like I said, we, you know, we love to travel, you know, and we have that opportunity, since he’s a genius with the credit card points, and you know, and our kids are healthy and happy this year. We’ve had some, we’ve had some hard times, you know, with our kids, as they’ve kind of adjusted to adulthood in America after living overseas as kids. It’s been a little tough at times. But I think what you know, what we’ve all we’ve all learned is how to love each other through, you know, and that you can come out the other side of something that’s really really horrible. In a better place, closer, stronger together, more vulnerable with each other, more loving toward each other. And that, to me is just, it’s a miracle. Yeah,

5:08
that’s awesome. Well, tell us what your chief, three things that you feel have been central to your marital success so far if you can.

5:21
Um, I think that, you know, that the both of us have been willing to work on our own stuff. I don’t think you can do, you can never force somebody else. But I think, you know, by just the miracle of, I don’t know, grace of God, you know, we’ve each worked on our own stuff. I think that’s been incredibly important for for for our marriage. And the time that we spend together, I, I wouldn’t be okay. You know, without that time. And, you know, we’ve always had a sense of purpose, I think, you know, we were missionaries before. And my husband continues to work, you know, and in the nonprofit world, and, you know, I’m a counselor, and, you know, so we’re, we’ve always had, you know, an idea that, you know, we’re doing things that are that are meaningful and kind of beyond us, you know, like, there’s a bigger worry outside of just this, just the two of us. And I think that’s been, you know, energizing for our relationship, too.

6:41
Did you say the third one, or was that? I don’t know, maybe you did say the third one was, was working outside in a purpose,

6:49
bad math?

6:50
So? No, that’s fine.

6:52
Three is a big number for me.

6:56
No, that’s great. Um, well, if you’re comfortable, would you be willing to share a tip about sexual intimacy that you wish someone let you in on earlier?

7:08
Yeah, I think for me, probably almost everything goes back to perfectionism. But, you know, just not worrying about everything being perfect. And I think the older I get, the easier that becomes, because clearly, you know, if there was ever a chance for, you know, like, a perfect body or whatever, where that ship has sailed. And letting go with that, I think, as a woman has been a really helpful thing to me. And just, you know, and I think to maybe when I was younger, it was, you know, like, well, you know, we’re trying to like, every sexual encounter is going to be like this wonderful, perfect thing. And as I’ve gotten older, I think, you know, I just enjoy, I just enjoy the present moment, you know, yeah. And so, yeah, there’s a lot less expectation, I think, and that, oddly enough, has allowed me just to enjoy sex more and not be worried about, you know, whether it’s, you know, super perfect every single time I just like it, we just have fun together, you know?

8:21
Yeah, that’s really good. Do you think that it was easy for you to switch into a more just enjoyable just enjoying the experience?

8:31
I think the more that our the more that our friendship grew them, the easier the sex is, you know, yeah. Like, the more I feel loved and accepted, just for myself, and, and, you know, then the more the sex is just an, an outgrowth of that, too. You know, it’s not something that you have to try so hard at. Gosh, isn’t that just like, a theme of my life? Stop trying so hard?

8:58
Just enjoy it. I like it. It’s really good. Exactly. Just enjoy. Yeah, I

9:06
think sometimes we’re, you know, we’re so obsessed, you know, in our culture, but with sex, it’s either, you know, it’s one, it’s one end of the obsession extreme or the other, there’s the, you know, the overuse the, you know, the addiction kind of side, you know, that overtly sexual. We see all this in our culture all the time. You know, so obviously, that’s, you know, like, way off on one end, and then, but then we also have this other side, you know, that’s all about control. And, you know, it’s almost like sexual anorexia, you know, you know, so there’s like, those two super extremes in our culture, I think, and, you know, to, you know, kind of get off of that hole. That, that whole paradigm and to say, you know, it’s really about, you know, who I am as a person, my sexuality becomes an expression of that, instead of, you know, trying to live up to some expectation on one extreme or the other, you know. And the more gracious I’ve, you know, allowed God to be to me, you know, the more, everything just becomes easier. You know,

10:23
I love that the more gracious I’ve allowed God to be to me,

10:27
because I think we can block God’s grace. And I think I spent a lot of years doing that saying, you know, God, I really don’t need your grace right now, because I’m handling this just fine myself. You know, because I can be perfect. I can fix this the way that it’s supposed to be, you know, just leave me alone here. Let me do my perfect thing, you know. And when I’ve stopped that, you know, when I’ve stopped that, and I’ve just said, Okay, God, here I am. It’s me. And just allow that love and that grace to be present in my life. There’s just this release.

11:07
Yeah. Yeah, that’s so good. And, and practically speaking, is that something that said, a prayer that you pray every day? Is that something that a wife can kind of use as a habit? What What would you suggest?

11:24
I’m really terrible. At being organized also. You’re so and so? I yeah, I am. I don’t know. You know, uh, yeah, I envy people who are, you know, super organized and do these things, you know, really well. And I feel like I’m more just kind of go, oh, Lord, help me. And he’s like, yep. It’s good. It’s good. Yeah. Remember, remember, I delight in you? There’s grace for today? Yeah. Yeah, it’s good. Did you watch the supermoon other night?

12:11
Oh, I missed it. I couldn’t see it from my apartment. Oh,

12:13
well, we, we went out. And this, there’s this picture on Facebook, the next day that some professional photographer had done, it was over the Dallas skyline. And he had taken this time lapse, you know, sort of had all of these beautifully rendered versions of this, you know, all the clips, and it was gorgeous. It was gorgeous. And then my picture was this blurry little.in A sky with some weeds, you know, because we were we’re out on the dam over the lake near a house, you know, and, and I just thought, you know, the life that I keep thinking that I want is this one, that’s perfect, you know, this rail, and it’s all planned out and perfectly executed, and, you know, probably edited seriously after the well, and instead, I’m always in the weeds with this blurry thing. And yet, that night, when we were out there, you know, just for like, an hour and a half just laying there on an old quilt in the weeds. Watching this just infinitesimal. Matt, you know, it’s just magical, really. And, you know, in the Eclipse started and and, you know, Andy was like, Oh, wait, I think it started. You know, what was so slow? Yeah. And, and so beautiful. Yeah. And I think that’s kind of how, you know, God works. You know, we want these perfect things that you can say, oh, my gosh, look at that. And instead, it’s, you know, you’re in the weeds. And in that it’s kind of blurry and you don’t know what’s really happening. But yeah, awful. Yeah. And there’s this big, big thing that’s happening that we don’t understand. Yeah. And our life is somehow a part of that. Yes, the mystery.

14:16
Yeah, that’s powerful. And in the midst of it, like you said, I love how you said that. You can’t really understand what’s happening now. Doesn’t it doesn’t look like this beautiful girl. No happening.

14:29
No. It’s like Naomi saying, uh, God has done all this to me, and I’m better. Yes, she has no clue. And none of us have a clue what God’s doing.

14:40
Right. Right. So I just encourage anyone who’s listening, to take that to take that with you to really take that. That whatever is going on your life, God has something bigger. He’s brewing and you might not be able to see what it is. I love that. Well, my next question is about due to the specific marriage that you’ve had, what opportunities you’ve had to serve or get to get to know God?

15:12
Yeah, well, because Andy, you know, has been so open about things from the very beginning. We’ve, you know, just been able to talk to people and really openly about what’s going on with us. And and that’s, you know, led me personally, into, you know, writing about what’s happened, and then, and then being able to kind of be the recipient of other people’s stories. Yeah. And, and, and, you know, when, when I was going through it, I didn’t know who to talk to, I, I didn’t know anybody else who had survived, you know, this kind of thing. Because, you know, because people don’t want to talk about this. Right? Right. Don’t people don’t want to talk about it, right. It’s just, our ridiculous over half of people are probably dealing with us right now. But, you know, people are still really embarrassed, they don’t want to talk about it, they don’t know who to talk to, they think they’re alone. And so when I was going through that, I didn’t know who to talk to you, I was trying to find people to talk to you, and I just really resolved to be that person, you know, and to tell my story, and to be out there with it so that other people would not feel alone, like I felt alone. And that’s been, you know, really an incredible blessing to me, you know, to be the person, you know, that people can write to and say, I don’t know what to do, what do I do? Yeah, and you know, and it’s interesting, because I am, there are wonderful blogs out there, you know, with lots of advice. And you know, it’s great, but I think that people still want to be told personally, you know, they want to tell their story, personally, they want somebody to hear it personally. And they want somebody to say to them personally, you need to get a counselor, you need to go to a group, you matter, you know, make sure that you’re getting the help that you need. Right. So, yeah, that’s really the main thing for me is, you know, getting to be that support and help for other people. You know, I mean, that’s what God promises us. Right? He comforts us so that we can comfort other people with the problem, you know, with the comfort that we’ve received. Yeah. And yeah.

17:32
Yeah, that’s really good. You talked a little bit about your book, would you share specifically about how we can get it and any other resources you read? Yeah.

17:41
The book is called as soon as I fell, it’s at Amazon. And if you wait for Black Friday, I’ll put it on sale. I always do Black Friday sale just for fun, because everybody does a Black Friday sale. I think it’s hilarious that I have something to sell on Black Friday. So yeah, and the story is just my story of you know, of getting to that point of just being absolutely done. How did I get there? And you know, and how, how I came out of it again. So

18:18
yeah, it’s powerful. And clearly, Kay has got so many wonderful insights. I’m sure it’s a great read. Well, lastly, if you could go back to year one, in your marriage, and sit yourself down. What’s one piece of advice that you would give to you?

18:39
Huh? I think Oh, dear. No, ma’am. I think I would say what I say to a lot of women now, which is this, be strong and courageous. For the larger guys with you, wherever you go. Because I don’t think you know, God does not tell us fortunately, ahead of time, where we’re going to go, you know, and I don’t even want to know, really, I don’t this moment today, this has enough trouble. I do not need to know what’s coming down the road. God just, you know, I think is so gracious to not show us. Because we would look at that and say I can’t, you know, right. I mean, when I think I read my own story, and I go I don’t know how this woman survived this because it’s really, this is tough, you know? Right, you know. But the truth is, you know, that God walks with us and as presence goes before us behind us, he holds us. Amen. And that’s really it. That’s what we need to know. He’s not going to leave us or forsake us. He will not he will not leave us alone. Wherever, wherever we go.

19:57
Yeah, praise God. I feel like there are some women listening that may need to rewind this and play it again, and really get this. I think this is something even for me to, to not be focused on what’s happening next. But focus on what God is doing today. His grace is sufficient for you today. His mercies are new every morning. It’s it’s a daily dose that he gives us. It’s powerful. Well, my last thing as sad as it is we’re wrapping up is just a what, where our audience can find and connect with you.

20:39
Yeah, I’ve a blog. It’s just k bruner.com. And yeah, there’s a Contact Me page there. And I do write people back. So you can come and chat with me over there. and wonderful. And I have a Facebook 2k Bruno’s blog friends on Facebook. So and I tried to put up lots of articles and resources from all over about mental health issues and marriage and stuff like that. So whatever I think is fascinating. I put up there.

21:12
Wow, wow. Okay. Thank you so much. This has been wonderful. I really appreciate it.

21:15
Thanks for having me. It’s really fun talking to you.

21:19
Oh, my pleasure. Wow, awesome stuff. If you have been impacted by this episode, I just want to say thank you for listening and take the time to go ahead and search. You know, search your own heart. And see if God wanted you to do anything like if he wants you to pray a little bit about what you learned today. Or maybe talk to your husband or do something with your kids. Whatever it is, I just want to encourage you to go for it. Do that action step that God’s putting on your heart and live with love, wisdom and passion today. God bless you. I love you. Bye.

22:02
Thanks for joining. If you’ve been inspired by this show, would you help spread the word? If you take a moment to review and subscribe others can find us more easily. Find out how to delight your marriage.com forward slash iTunes. Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion