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Stand For Your MarriageWhat does marriage look like after the hearing that he doesn’t still love you? Well, Amanda’s story will inspire, convict and encourage you to stand with God as you fight for your marriage. How do you do that? It might not be easy, but she wouldn’t trade it for anything. Listen in to hear how God transformed her heart and what her marriage looks like as a result. Become one that stands for what God wants for you.

This is Part II of my interview with Amanda Taylor of mendourmarriage.com.

Check out Part I at delightyourmarriage.com/82
Pour Ourselves Out

You’ll Discover:

  • How a marriage that “should” have ended with her husband’s admittance that he no longer loved her, continues stronger than ever and why.
  • How you should create new expectations for your household, regardless of your culture, upbringing or what was modeled for you.
  • What a spouse should do if they are standing for their marriage in the area of sexual intimacy.
  • How not to let anything in your life rock your identity in Christ.

 

Books & Resources Mentioned:

I am accepted

Tweetables:

  • God has to be the foundation of your marriage.
  • Regardless of what anyone says, because of God, I am not rejected I am accepted.
  • We’re always going to be growing and changing, you and your spouse.
  • We pour ourselves out to everything else and our spouse gets our leftovers–that should not be.
  • Plan your sexual intimacy so that you can be sincere about going after your spouse.
  • I couldn’t pour out on a daily basis if I didn’t have a close relationship with God.
  • If you would have told me that this was going to be my story, I would not have believed it but I am thankful to God.
  • You will never please everyone but be you and live your life poured out.
  • Be passionate and confident in the work God has given you to impact the world.

 

Thanks for listening! I hope you are encouraged to live in wholehearted intimacy!

 

Love,

Belah

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Transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah. Rose.

0:19
Hi there, and welcome. Thank you so much for joining me at the delight your marriage podcast, my name is belah rose, and I’m happy you’re here. It’s an awesome opportunity that you have to listen to people who have done marriage and done it well. And maybe they made huge mistakes in the beginning, but by God’s grace, they’ve turned it around. And we get to pure into their wisdom and insight and learn from them. And maybe we can avoid some of those mistakes and, and gain the wisdom that we need to really flourish in our marriage. So thank you so much for joining me, I’m really glad you’re here I wanted to share I don’t know if you know this, if you’ve listened to the podcast for a while you probably do. But if not, I’m letting you know. Now. We have a Facebook group, it’s called the delight your marriage Facebook group, the way you can get in to it is go to delight your marriage calm. And all you have to do is click on the top tab that says join the family. And then there’s a link there for you. But this group is really to help wives in their marriages. So it is just for wives, I’ve had to, sadly, let some some men know that they’re, they’re not allowed in it. But they are certainly allowed to listen to the podcast. But anyway, this is specifically for wives to gain encouragement to share the hard stuff that’s going on in their marriage, maybe stuff intimately, that they really can’t share with even close friends. They’re just embarrassed or whatever. This is a very discreet, supportive, kind group of women that I’m honored to be a part of. So I would just encourage you if you’d like to join, feel free to do so. All right, well, I am excited to share the second half of Amanda Taylor story. If you haven’t listened to the first half, you really need to, she talks about how she was shocked when she sat down on the kitchen table one morning with her husband, and he shared with her that he was no longer in love with her. And the very challenging, challenging months, and year or so that ensued and what God taught her so I want you to listen to that first part. It’s just the very episode before that episode 82. So listen to that one. But today she’s going to talk about the things that she learned through her standing for her marriage. And the thing that I really love about Amanda is and really, I’m something that God’s taught me just throughout pretty much every single interview I’ve had. But when you come off of an interview, and you’re excited to praise God more, if you’re excited to grow in your relationship with him, that is exactly what we should be doing. Because in the word it says Let your light so shine before men so they make do sorry, they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven. So the ultimate point is not. So they’ll see your good works and think you’re so amazing. And you’re such a wonderful person and that they glorify you, even in their own thoughts. That’s not the point. The point is to glorify God. So I think that Amanda’s heart really comes through here. And I hope that you as I was, leave this interview, excited to grow in your relationship with God, first and foremost. Alright, well, let’s go ahead and dive in. Thanks, again for listening. And I’ll talk to you on the other side well, I want to ask you, so what is your marriage like, now? What does it look like today?

3:50
Well, you know, what, things are just a lot different. I’m at the beginning of our marriage, you know, when David came into the marriage, you know, he, he was he’s already a very strong personality. So when we were really going through those things, you know, I, I dealt with a lot of rejection and things like that, because it seemed like he just had a very dominant personality, but who he is today and who we are together today. I mean, it’s just like, to me, of course, I feel like it’s a perfect union, that God definitely created us for each other. I mean, our communication, our communication is so much more strong. Um, you know, we we talk things out if there is a moment where you know, one of us you know, lashes out or says something mean or whatever. It’s like we the turnaround to talk about it and to get clarity about that. That conversation is just just so quick. You know, say Hey, babe, you know, that kind of stuff. Did you mean it like this? So please tell me what you meant by that. And you know, while I’m in it like this, okay, when they came off like this, all right, laugh it off. Let’s move on. I mean, there are moments where something may may sting, and it may take an hour or so before you know the Holy Spirit convicts us to come back to it, you know, yeah, back then it but you know, our communications a lot stronger our friendship. I mean, we’re the best of friends. I mean, we talk about everything and we laugh about everything. And I mean, this has really brought us together so much more, you know, most emotionally and, and, you know, just even intellectually, um, you know, so our intimacy level, you know, really, really came together. Um, of course, working as a team, you know, we have meant our marriage two together that are meant to share our business. And so working together has really been a joy. Because as we are working with other couples, it definitely holds us accountable. That, you know, we need to make sure we’re continuing to develop ourselves and live what we’re speaking about. Yeah. And also joint expectations. So just to talk a little bit about that most of us come into our marriage with expectations, right, you know, we come with expectations, you know, based off of what we have learned marriage to be from our own environment. And so I think a lot of times we come in with these expectations, and then we bump heads, because it’s like, you’re giving your spouse’s list of expectations. And if they don’t meet those expectations, we get disappointed. But what me and David learn from this situation was, instead of coming into the marriage, or going through a marriage with these unspoken expectations of each other, how about develop those expectations together? You know, for our home, you know, so this is our culture, this is the Taylor house. And these are the expectations we’re going to create for each other with each other. So it may not be traditional roles, but it’s like, what are your strengths? And what are what are your weaknesses, and we’re going to pull those things together, and we’re going to work as a team. And so we definitely have done that. And things work a lot smoother. Oh, yeah. I think lastly, of course, believing the best of each other. So again, when we do have those interactions, where things seem a little bit weird, or seeing, you know, to come off the wrong way, I default to think the best and my husband like, Okay, I know that my husband is not going to intentionally do me harm, or say anything to hurt my feelings. So let me step back. Because I potentially got my feelings hurt there. And let me give him the benefit of the doubt, and then go to him and talk to him about it. So that’s another thing. We both do that.

7:24
Yeah. Yeah, I really like that. And let me just ask you about the joint expectations. So is that something where you have kind of a formal sit down and you write it out? Or you talk it out? Or how do you kind of practically do that

7:36
we actually sat down, and we talked about it, because at the beginning of our marriage, you know, um, let’s see how to say this. Like, I came from a family, like, you know, when I was around my grandparents a lot, they were the stable married couple, you know, that I was around, and my grandmother, my grandmother did everything. She I mean, she cooks, she cleans, she took care of my grandfather, everything. And I always wanted to be that model that but she took care of everything so well, that we didn’t have to do anything. So in my, in my mind, you know, I thought I was gonna be the Superwoman wife. And that’s what I, you know, kind of expressed to my husband, that’s what I want to do. But when I got into it, reality hit, and it became kind of a disappointment, because he expected me to do all these things when I wasn’t equipped to do those things. And then, as far as for me, I came in with expectations. That were I mean, they weren’t, how can I say, as far as physical intimacy, intimacy, like for me, um, yeah, physical touch is my love language. Um, and there were a lot of things under the surface, that guy had to heal me up from my past because I was molested as a child. And so I think it kind of perverted that piece of me. And so like, I almost had like a hyper sexual drive. And so that was, that was a piece that guy had to heal in me while I was standing. So there was a lot of things that got worked on me before we were restored. And so even as I stand here, today, still physical intimacy is my love language. But back then I was disappointed because my husband’s sex drive at the time, did not match mine. And I was frustrated. So we both came in with these expectations. Yeah, and like I said, once we get to the other side of, um, you know, that that season of our marriage, we sat down and we said, Okay, we’re gonna put these things on the table. These are my strengths. These are your weak, I mean, you know, strengths and weaknesses. We’re going to put these things out here, and we’re going to decide, okay, you know, this is what we this is what we’re going to do in our house, you know, this is how things are going to be in our home, um, all the way down to even house chores. You know, there are some, some things that he does some things that I do. Yeah. And so we’re just a lot more comfortable because all the things are out on the table, all the different areas of intimacy and connection and talk about it. We put it all down and then is the Taylor household, you know, in black and

10:03
white? Yeah, that’s good. I think that anyone who’s listening to this and is like, yeah, that we need to do that, I would just encourage you to re listen to this episode with your spouse, and and be like, Okay, this is how we do this, this is how we kind of figure out these expectations together and work through this together. And I want to ask you, so it’s kind of something that I would ask as a wife that standing for my marriage, what do you suggest to wives in terms of physical intimacy in terms of sexual intimacy? How does? How does she relate to that? Should she? What kind of advice would you give her?

10:40
Okay, um, so it’s gonna depend on the situation with the life. So, um, if you are standing for your marriage, and in the, in the situation that I was in, where you kind of live in living like roommates, you have to have, you have to understand that part of this journey is about one way communication, and you know, kind of extending yourself when you might be rejected. Okay. So for me, you know, I, I kept myself up, I say, smell good, I say looking nice when it was time to go to bed. And every now every now and again, I may reach over to advance, you know, and he may not respond, but I got to a place where I built up enough in my spirit and in my confidence to where I’m like, okay, you know, time will heal in this area. Now, in my, in my particular situation, David did not want to have sex, because he didn’t want to confuse things because he did not know what was going to happen. And he knew that physical intimacy was my love language. So yeah, even though he was trying to look out for me in that regard, I still felt some rejection there. But again, you know, I had to, I had to depend on God and that season, and I know, some people are like, well, you know, that’s probably impossible. But again, nothing is impossible. If you trust that in that season, then he will, he will quench that thirst, if you will. Not sexually, you know, but I’m saying that God, what will fill you just like when you were single, God will keep you in that season, if need be. Now, if you’re in a situation where your husband, you know, wants to still be intimate and a seeming confusing, you have to first make sure are you are you emotionally stable enough to be able to handle having sex with your husband, even though you’re not sure what’s going to happen with the marriage? Okay, so you have to be able to, you know, know where you are, are you still kind of rocked up and down by their moods and their actions? Like, if they seemingly reject you are? Or they’re mean to you? Are you are you going into depression? And and are you feeling defeated? And all those things? Like, are their actions still determining your mood and your day? Or have you gotten to a place in your stand where you, you know, you have a spiritual perspective, you know, that they’re dealing with something spiritually, and, you know, it’s not a personal attack against you, and you’re able to view physical intimacy as planting a seed of love with your spouse?

13:12
Hmm, that’s really good. You know, yeah. So

13:15
you have to be honest with where you are. And it has to be about you know, about the right time and as well, because because your stance should never cause you to be worse. When you’re standing, you should be getting stronger and stronger, spiritually, as a person and those types of things, even though you’re going to have moments where you’re going to feel up and down. Everybody does. But you should not be getting progressively worse. You know, you should not be sinking into bitterness and resentment and hatred, because then that means that something’s off that means that you know, you’re turning inward, instead of you know, inward to yourself instead of to God.

13:54
Wow, yeah. Your stance should never cause you to be worse. Right? That’s That’s fantastic. Yeah, I think that’s that’s kind of a good litmus test to be like, am I standing the right way? Yes, exactly. Am I becoming more holy? More righteous, more Christ like Yeah, yeah. closer to God. Yeah, that’s beautiful. Absolutely. So he shared with us the chief three things that were central to your marital success

14:17
okay. Um, so of course, a given a god foundation, you know, God has to be the foundation, he has to be the center of your marriage. So that’s a given but practicing the presence of God would be my number one. So that means that living a lifestyle of praise and worship and living you know out your identity in Christ and not letting anything rock that not letting was going on in your marriage, or with your children or whoever Rock who God says, you want to who God says that you are, God said that He has created you and and and he you are beautifully and wonderfully made by him, you know, and that you’re accepted and you’re not rejected, you know, and that He will never leave you or forsake you even to the end of the So you have to hold on to that word, and that even if somebody tries to reject you, you can say, Okay, well, they can try that. But ultimately me as a person, me as a man that I am not rejected, I am accepted. And so that that is something that I had to practice in all those things that I told you all about pouring into myself with Scripture with song with messages growing as a person, you know, I’m spiritually practicing the presence of that.

15:27
Yeah. And I want to add to that, that’s a discipline, that’s not, that’s not an easy, you don’t fall into that, right?

15:34
No, and I usually liken it too. You know, for those of you who have children, you know, if you know, if something is going on with your child, you do the research, and you see what you need to do to help your child if you’re studying for an exam, like if you went to law school for you know, for the bill studying for the bar, you went to medical school, or whatever you you honed in, you focused in and you made sure to get that, you know, get that information inside of you to where, you know, it came set. Second Nature, you know, you have to write the word of God on your heart, you know, you have to make worship a lifestyle, you know, making sure that you’re surrounding yourself with the right things that is a discipline is something you have to practice and be consistent with. And so being a student of your spouse, um, so actually, I guess these are the three sorry, yeah, no, that’s good. So number one, making sure that you are a student of your spouse, you’re constantly learning something new about your spouse, that’s number one. So understanding that we’re always going to be growing and changing. So always be seeking to ask your spouse questions to learn more about them. So that you all can work as a team. Number two, making sure that you’re always growing yourself, you know, you’re always growing as a person, make sure you’re learning and, and, and you are becoming a better person. Because if we’re not growing, we’re dying, you know, so if you’re, you know, making sure that you are taking care of yourself, you know, and in developing yourself, then, again, that’s going to contribute to your marriage and what you have to give. And then just also being a student of marriage, marriage is the only the marriage license is the only license that we don’t have to take a test to get. So, you know, do your own continuing education for marriage, so that you stay up on it so that you know, you know, how to communicate the best way, you know, how to, you know, hear the heart of your spouse, and, and, and to look deeper into relationships. So just like it, like I said, just like we study for everything else, we have to become a student of marriage and our spouse and grow ourselves. So

17:47
yeah, that’s great. I love that. I mean, I guess there probably should be a test for the marriage license. You know, we could probably save a lot of heartache if we, if we learned some certain skills before we got there. Yes, yes, you’re right. Oh, that’s very cool. Okay, so So student of your spouse, always growing as a spouse and be a student of marriage. And that umbrella with practice the presence of God? Yeah, daily. I love that. Okay, so if you’re comfortable, if you would you be willing to share a tip or advice about intimacy that maybe you wish someone let you in on earlier?

18:20
I will say being intentional. That, to me is the biggest piece because again, I think we get like I was saying earlier, we get comfortable with our spouse, and sometimes we start to expect them to initiate or, uh huh, you know, that’s one thing. Or if you have children, or if you’re working a lot, you know, you get tired and you you pull yourself out to everything else, but then our spouse gets our leftovers, which that should not be. And so when I say Be intentional, so if you have a calendar, you know, take the month and pick random days throughout the month that you are going to initiate that way you can prepare yourself mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, whatever to get yourself ready, so that you can initiate and that you can be, you know, sincere about, you know, going after your spouse, you know, sexually and pleasing them and that type of thing. Because, again, with the hustle and bustle of life, if we don’t start making that a habit of planning that experience, then it just passes us by. I know, I can’t remember who I got it from. But I know there is like this exercise you can do or a practice that you can do where you have a candle let’s say you have a red candle and you put it in the kitchen or whatever. Um, when somebody likes the candle, whether it’s you or your husband, you both know for the rest of the day that that night is going to be on.

19:44
Oh, okay. And that’s very cool.

19:48
So yeah, you don’t have to have an uncomfortable conversation like, you know, you want to have you want to have sex tonight. You just have big candles and you know you put it somewhere that you both pass on a daily basis. And if that candle is lit that way, if your husband, like, you know, lights the candle, you can be like, okay, you know, so let me prepare myself. Somebody cuz somebody told me they said their husband liked it the light lit the candle, and then they went behind and blew it out

20:20
oh no, yeah, I think that that might be some tension ready to start but but it’s kind of funny because I think you know for husbands listening are like are you kidding me I don’t need to light a candle I’m ready in a moment and then in a flash I don’t need the whole day to get ready and and I think that’s some insight for husbands into the wife’s mind is like sometimes we need the entire day like that would be ideal. If we kind of had our mind set up from the moment we woke up like, Okay, this is a, this is a day I want to feel sexy, I want to feel in my body, I want to take a shower, I want to, you know, get ready it get prepared in your mind. And, and then the other thought that came to mind is like for some marriages, mine included, the husband would light it every single day, in fact. So I think we, we might have to have a couple of candles, like whatever works for you. Oh, that’s funny, though. I love that. So be intentional about sex, prepare yourself. And I also really like picking calendar dates, because no matter how long you’ve been married, whether it’s a couple of months, or years, or 20 or 30 years, it’s easy to get in this space of like, okay, you know, sex is just something we do every now and then or very often or whatever. But do we actually make it like a special event, something that’s exciting and new and fresh and unusual? Like that’s, that’s the that’s what makes things juicy. That’s what makes things exciting.

21:49
Yeah, and, you know, preparing during the day, you know, definitely I mean, if you know, that you have, you know, that’s on your calendar, for instance, and, you know, you can send little sexy texts for the day, you know, just, I guess, depending on where they work, you can send a picture, but you want to be careful with that, because but, you know, you can send flirtatious stuff through the text or email, you know, I mean, even if you send them a picture that’s not like really super provocative, but it’s something that you know, that will, you know, kind of light their fire a little bit to, you know, say, Hey, babe, you know, tonight is your night, you know, say something, you know, to get excited.

22:28
Take a picture of the candle. Okay, there you go. Oh, I love it. Okay, well, due to the specific marriage, and I think you’ve touched on already, but what opportunities have you had to serve and get to know God? You know, what

22:44
I mean, we serve God, literally everything we do with our marriage, um, I commend our marriage family may not really know this. But again, like I said before, they hold us accountable to be in tune with God and really stay prayed up, so that we have something to give them. So you know, I have to say, for the Lord to be able to pour out to them because I, you know, we can’t give what we don’t have, you know, so I couldn’t pour out on a daily basis without having a close relationship with God. So, you know, what we do, um, as a service, and as a ministry, you know, is as unto God.

23:19
I love that. I love that I think we can all take from that. Absolutely. That, you know, God wants to use you, whatever your ministry is, whether it’s to your kids at your job, also to your husband, I mean, in every area of your life, he wants to use you. But he can’t do that if you don’t give him the opportunity to get filled up. So that’s that’s a powerful word. Yeah. Okay, so is there a book or a program that you would specifically recommend to our audience?

23:46
Um, well, if you don’t mind, just a couple I know. Of course, motivated to love is my book. And so if you are standing in difficulties and of your marriage, one to know how to stand strong, that’s my book, again, motivated to love. Of course, men, our marriage.com is our main website. We have, of course, a lot of resources, blogs and podcasts there. So we actually have a podcast called Mastering marriage that’s actually on iTunes or Stitcher. David also wrote a book called I said, I do but now I don’t. So here’s kind of the the answer kind of like the companion to my book. So his book is really talking about the mind of a reluctant spouse, what’s going on in their mind? What’s, what’s going on with their heart and their spirit. And in his book, he answers a lot of questions that standards have about their husband, or their spouse that seemingly doesn’t love them anymore. So it’s been a really, really great resource. And then lastly, overflows are programs that help people stand strong or we do we do a marriage motivation plan with standards and we do you know, sessions with them kind of coaching to help them through the stand because going through a with someone, it’s a lot easier. This standing alone.

24:58
That’s so good. I actually know someone that’s who we got connected to who’s standing for her marriage? And yeah, yep. And she, she highly recommends your programs and your, your work. So that’s really exciting. I mean, it’s just so exciting. I just, I love what you do so much, Amanda, because this is so important. I mean, how often do we hear about oh, well, he just left or oh, you know, he said he didn’t love me anymore. And then the the assumption is, okay, well, it’s over. And Amanda’s like, no, no, no, let’s dig in. Let’s dig in. Yeah.

25:35
Yes, as you would have told me years ago, before I got married, that this would have been my testimony, I would not have believed it. But here I am. And I thank God for it.

25:45
Praise God. Yeah. Yeah. And, and think about that, also listener for whatever you’re going through that, that this may exactly be what God is going to use in a powerful way. You know, however long from now, I mean, this, this is exactly what Amanda has gone through and look what she’s able to do. 1000s of people are impacted. It’s just amazing. Yes. Yeah. Okay. So if you could go back to year one of your marriage, sit yourself down, what’s one piece of advice that you would give to you?

26:17
Let’s see here, what I said, um, I think I would say, you will never be you will never be perfect. There will always be those who disagree with you and what you do. Um, you will never please everyone. But be you and live your life poured out. Be passionate and confident in the work God has given you to do to impact the world.

26:46
Yeah, that’s good. I love that. That’s, um, that is a couple of pieces of advice, but I’ll let you take what you can’t dumb it down to one I understand. Possible. Okay, so I mean, my last, my last question is where our audience can find and connect with you online. Yeah, so WWW

27:06
dot mend our marriage, that com that is our website.

27:12
Awesome. Awesome. And I bet you’re on different social medias as well as

27:16
we also have a Bomi Facebook page as well, you know, go like our page and our marriage. And we put resources out there as well.

27:24
Cool, cool. And I’ll have that all linked up on the show notes at to let your marriage calm if you want to head over there and get all the links and all the great quotes and stuff that Amanda is given. And yeah, cool. Well, man, I just want to thank you so much for joining me today and all of your wisdom and advice and insight and passion, it just, it eats out, you know, have you constantly is this this great Shin for life and the Lord and your marriage is wonderful.

27:47
Thank you so much for having me, this was really, really fun time, I’m glad I was able to share and be a part of

27:58
oh my gosh, it’s just awesome. It’s so cool what God can do. If you really rely on him, you really stand in the ways that he wants you to stand whether it’s in a season of your marriage that you need to really dig in. And let God be God and let him transform what he needs to transform. And your heart is definitely one of those areas. So thank you so much for joining me today, I hope that you’re going away with a lot of really practical tips and steps to take. And I just want to encourage you that if you leave here and you’re unchanged, a lot of it is because we forget most of what happens in our lives and days and what we hear like we just forget it. And so I just encourage you to do something as soon as you can to maybe write down the tips that really spoke to your heart or talk to God about those things that you learned through it. So that this is something that stays with you and grows from there. There’s so many Bible verses Amanda and I were talking through and I just encourage you to look those verses up and get them in your heart and memorize them. And use those when the enemy wants to attack you. Because God is greater. He’s stronger. He wants you to be that strong soldier in his army and he’s willing to let you go through difficult situations scenarios to get you to get to that place and that spot and be used of him in a greater way. Thank you so much for joining me. I am excited to talk to you again next Tuesday. God bless you join the Facebook group if you can, if you’re a wife and you’re interested in support in that way. God bless you. We’ll talk soon.

29:37
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it. Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion

 

 

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