Podcast: Play in new window | Download
PI: If your spouse’s go-to response is anger, it’s not easy. How can you guide the conversation into peace and even encouragement when it has such strong emotions? Or what if you’ve established a pattern of anger and hurt in your marriage? Well, today I have Kimberly to talk about the experience she and her husband went through around anger and how she learned that there specific ways to put your marriage back on track. What can you do to turn the tide?
Find out more about Kimberly at marriagehelper.com
You’ll Discover:
- How Kimberly’s marriage struck rocky times when they had to reintegrate after extended time apart.
- How her husband’s anger was causing Kimberly to feel that she had done something wrong.
- How Kimberly learned that relying on her husband’s emotions and approval of her made her very insecure.
- The specific steps she took to regain her confidence and allow her to have control of her interaction in the marriage.
- How she learned who her husband was and what he needed from her in order to end the anger she received.
- What specific questions she asks herself when responding to her husband’s anger.
Scripture/Quote:
- I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name. Rev 3:8
Resources:
- Love Factually: shares evidence about how elderly husbands often die within a year of becoming a widow but women often go on years because they have other intimate friendships
- 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People: seek first to understand rather than be understood
- The different stages of life where we have specific expectations from our spouse and how that factors into our arguments… (So sorry DYM listener, I couldn’t find the book I had read this in, it was years ago!)
Tweetables:
- It was a huge shift when I realized this anger isn’t really about me.
- I found myself in a place where I was seeking all my affirmation from my husband instead of God.
- We started getting better when I started backing off.
- Some days were very lonely for me, but my husband needed the space for him.
- Seek first to understand rather than be understood. -Stephen Covey
- No one wants to be around someone they cannot feel safe with.
- God is not going to return you void.
- God will fight for you.
- You don’t have to make your husband humble, God will do that.
Thanks for listening! I hope you are encouraged to live in wholehearted intimacy!
Love,
Belah
—
Episodes come out Tuesday mornings. But, in case you forget…I love to subscribe with my phone so I never miss an episode. You can too:
| iPhone: Podcast App is on updated iPhones. Open DYM & subscribe! | Android: Download Podbay.fm App. Open DYM & subscribe! |
If you enjoyed this episode, would you add your review to iTunes (via your phone or computer)? It will encourage me & it will help others find the podcast easier. Find out how at delightyourmarriage.com/itunes Thank you!
transcript
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah Rose.
0:19
Hi there and welcome. If this is your first time listening to the delight, your marriage podcast, I want to say welcome. This is a safe space to talk about your marriage. In the world that we live in today, it’s so often hard to really discuss what’s really going on. And today we’re talking about anger in our marriage. And it’s something that plagues a lot of us in our connection with our spouse, there’s often an underlying anger problem, or, you know, if you if you step too close this way, or gotta walk on eggshells to make sure you don’t dip into that anger that’s going on. And Kimberly Holmes, a wonderful lady that I have on today. She hails from marriage helper calm, she really shares some of the root things that were going on and how she had to deal with the anger issue in her marriage. And it’s really insightful, I think, for anyone who either is dealing with anger themselves, or dealing with a spouse that has, you know, his, his or her first response is anger. And as we talked about, there’s a lot more going on that might have absolutely nothing to do with the spouse involved. But because you’re the one closest to them, you receive a lot of that angry that that anger. So Kimberly has some really practical ways of dealing with things, things that you can do questions, you asked yourself to make sure you’re handling this anger, the best way possible, in order to have a healthy, happy, peaceful marriage, which is the goal, isn’t it? Alright, well, let’s go ahead and dive in. And I’ll talk to you on the other side.
2:08
Hey, there and welcome. You are joining to light your marriage Podcast. I’m so excited to have you. I have got wonderful Kimberly Holmes on the line from marriage. helper.com. Hi, Kimberly. Welcome. Hi,
2:20
belah thank you so much for having me. I’m excited to be on with you today.
2:25
I’m excited to have you and I’m excited to hear about your life your story a little bit. So would you go ahead and start off by introducing yourself a little bit about your family, what your day to day life looks like?
2:37
Absolutely. So as you’ve already said, my name is Kimberly. My husband’s name is Rob. And we have been married for five and a half years. And it’s just the two of us for now. We have no children, we have a cat. He has a cat. So so we’re that’s us. It’s just the two of us. For now, we plan hopefully seem to have kids, but we’re just kind of letting God decide that for now. I what I do is I’m the CEO of a company called Marriage helper. And we work with marriages in crisis in the worst kinds of crisis. And we help those people save their marriages. So I absolutely love what I do. And my husband is in the army. He’s a captain. He’s a public affairs officer. And he’s going to be getting out in the in the D in December in the wintertime. And so he’s going to pursue entrepreneurship at that time, which I’m very happy for him and supportive of that. So that’s going to be a completely new kind of marriage for us. When that happens. A lot of uncharted territory. We’ve never not been chained to the army. So exciting changes coming
3:53
is exciting. Oh my gosh, and I’m sure you’ve had to deal with him. I mean, going abroad, like Yeah, where you haven’t been able to see him for months at a time. Is that right? Yeah.
4:03
Yeah, it is. One of the times I was able to go with him. So our very first duty station after getting married, we were immediately sent to Korea to South oh my gosh, for two years. And so it was marriage. Literally. We didn’t even have a honeymoon. It was. We got married one day. The next day, he finished flight school. down in Alabama. He was a pilot. And then a couple of weeks later, they came and picked us up and we moved to Korea. Wow. Yeah. So
4:36
Wow. Yeah. That’s amazing. Well, I mean, tell us a little bit about you and your husband’s personalities.
4:41
What do you all like? Yeah, that’s a great one. This is actually something I wish people would have talked more about before getting married. I didn’t realize how much personalities really had an impact on marriage. So I am totally an extrovert. I was pretty Probably more extroverted before we got married. And I’ll probably talk a little bit more about that. But my husband is introverted. Now he’s not so introverted, that he that he’s not very social or anything like that he is he’s great in social social situations, you can carry on a conversation with him super easy. But he just hits a limit after like an hour or two of being around. And he’s like, That’s it, we got to go now. And, and so that that’s in that way, that’s kind of how we are I’m definitely more of an open book kind of person, his family grew up being a lot more private, keeping things more like that. So there’s definitely definitely differences that we have experienced in our personalities. I’m a big type a person, huge, huge, tiny, and he he drives me crazy, that he can just wait procrastinate on something so long, and still get it done. Just Well, my gosh, I would have done it, if I would have taken weeks to do that. Wait, wait, wow.
6:10
Yeah. Well, I think it’s very telling and true that we don’t think about personalities very often. prior to marriage. I mean, we focus, especially as a society, we focus so much on the love and the feelings that I mean, unless you really have some wise, mature mentorship and your young wife that you probably aren’t thinking about, are we compatible? You know, do our personalities complement each other and that kind of thing. And now after marriage, what I obviously and your ministry, as well really focuses on is how we can use our personalities to complement each other, even if, you know, maybe all the profiles say that they’re not the best fit or whatever, we can still figure out what are your strengths? What are my strengths? How do these fit together? Anyway? But no, I like that that insight. But would you go ahead and share like a scripture or a quote that has meant a lot to you over the years or even recently, just to kick us off?
7:07
Yeah, I will. And this is a really strange when I was going over which one because there’s been so many, but I feel it’s appropriate to share this one. So I’ve never done this before. But this past year, on my birthday, which is in November, I just really strongly just felt I kept feeling like I needed a blessing for my for this next year of my life. Because I knew a lot of changes were going to be happening. There were a lot of unknowns at that time. With my with my husband’s job if he was going to get out all those kinds of things. And yeah, I was feeling very defeated in a lot of areas too. And so a lot of things were going on with me and I just, I just kept praying God I need, I need a blessing, something that can guide this next year for me, and I ended up getting it actually I was at a women’s small group. And in the the leader, she said I didn’t I she said I didn’t specify which of these little scripture cards that someone from India had handmade, they’re absolutely beautiful. She said, I didn’t specify who I was going to give it to. So I just threw them all in here. And I just, you know, I’m praying that all of you just get the one that’s meant for you. And so I’d never heard this verse before. I mean, I’m sure I had, but I never had took it this way. But it’s actually revelations three, eight, and it says, See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. And I at that moment, it was like this is an answer. This is my blessing. I just knew this is what God wants me to be focusing on over this next year, God has placed so many open doors in front of me and there’s no enemy, no weapon that can be formed against them. There’s no way that’s going to that it’s going to be shut unless God shuts them. And so, you know, all of my fears, all of my anxieties about things, just so calm, so calm, and I have it written in many places throughout my house, just as a constant reminder of that God has a plan, and that this year is going to be a fruition of that plan. In some ways, probably not the whole thing, but I’m excited for it. Mm hmm.
9:18
No, that’s very cool. And I love how important it is for each of us to take Scripture at its word, and use it to apply to our own lives. Like, you know, I’ve developed a habit that every morning I’ll memorize a scripture and so just one small scripture and then I try to recount the last week scriptures that I’ve memorized and, and and it’s so important to pray through those scriptures and and attach them to what we’re going through. Because that is exactly what God says he’s the God of hope. And so we need to attach ourselves to these scriptures that will give us hope, because you know, entreprise. Worship, as you know, my own life can attest that it’s a hard road, whatever you’re going through, whether it’s job difficulties or financial, you know, financial difficulties, health difficulties, all these things are difficult. So we have got to say that No, the one thing that is not changing is Jesus Christ. And I can attach myself to him daily. So I really love that you said, This Scripture has just guided you and given you that hope, in this next year. And so I think, as a discipline, anyone who’s listening can say, Yes, I’m going to find one little scripture that will give me hope, and just keep going with that. So awesome point. All right. Well, I’d love for you to tell us a story of maybe a difficult season in your marriage, and how you overcame it.
10:52
Absolutely, absolutely. So this was, even this morning, my husband and I were kind of talking about this. Because I said, you know, because as I said before, our personalities are very different. I’m an open book, and he parts of him or he’s like, I don’t, I don’t know if I want to talk to people to know that. So this morning, I was like, let me know what exactly right you want me to share? Because I don’t want any I’m always gonna be protective of my husband, even though I would just, I’m an open book. But the biggest, the biggest struggle that that we have had to encounter in our marriage. And I won’t go I’ll go into as many specifics and details as I can. But yeah, we were going through a lot of change. I mean, we we had been a part this is after we left Korea, and we ended up being separated for seven months, because he got stuck there. And I, gosh, I had already come back. So we ended up being apart for some months. And we didn’t know we were going to be I think that we didn’t have any preparation. So this was back in like, 2012 ish timeframe. And so we he got, you know, he came back and that reintegration period for, for military spouses, or any any kind of marriage where the either spouse travels for long periods of time. I honestly, I will say this every time it’s not the being a part. That’s the hardest, it’s hard. But it’s the reintegration, at least for us, that is so difficult, because you have to learn to live together all over again. And for us, that was already hard when we when we got married, just trying to figure out how to live together. And I took this as a total side note, but I totally see why it’s not good to live together before marriage, because if I wasn’t married, my husband and I like if we weren’t married, when we started living together, it would have been so easy some days to just say this isn’t worth it, like I, you know, let’s cut ties now cut our losses. But, you know, we didn’t thank God and we learned how to and it’s been amazing since then. But every time we’re apart, we have to kind of go through that all over again. And so when we were apart for that seven month stint, and and he returned that reintegration period, we were moving in the middle of it, we were he was starting a new school for work and there was so much stress going on in his life and in my life and and there was a lot of anger he he was dealing really specifically with with a lot of anger and I didn’t know how to handle it. And so my reactions to him did not make anything better. It made everything worse. I would say I’m a fighter, I’m a I’m a confrontational person, I want to address things and get them over with I’m just that kind of person. And yeah, so when I would try to do that, you know, it would just it made over it festered for many months and it just culminated into this toxic environment a ver I didn’t want to be neither of us really wanted to be at home neither of us really wanted to be around each other because we had just made it bad. And we so it at its worst it was it was pretty bad. I mean, we never we never divorced or we never, you know legally separated or anything like that. But the trials that we went through were were really hard and there were some times when we wondered is you know what is going to happen next and so we
14:37
and it kind of lasted things, things kind of got better. We never really we still never really talked about it or just an issue. But there came a point when I realized a lot of this anger that he is dealing with. And by there came a point. I mean, like after a couple of years of dealing with this. There came a point where I was like you know what, I think this anger doesn’t really have to do with me when it originally Started at its very core. It’s not me and I had been. So personally, and just so what am I doing wrong? What is What can I do to make it better, so I would keep pushing myself on him. And I would try, I’d keep trying to pull stuff out of him. And I don’t even think he really knew either. There was just, there was just a lot of things happening. And so, there there finally came that point where I said, I’ve just got to let go of this. And one of the things that had happened during those couple of years is I had really lost focus on God. I mean, I was always a Christian, we always went to church, you know, yeah, we always played that role. But I was seeking all of my affirm of affirmations and all of my contentment from the way that my husband would react to me or the way my husband would treat me. And I had lost where that used to be God, for me, it used you know, before I was married, it was God I would go to it was God that would give me that. And I had completely abandon that. And so I started getting back into that I started waking up before my husband, 430 or 5am, just so that I could study the Bible. And just so that I could pray over him. And every day, I would have to make, oh, I forgot about this. Every day, I would write down all the things I loved about my husband. And some days were much harder than others. And some days it was it took everything within me to do not hate doing it. But I just made it a point that I was going to focus on his good qualities. And when he was going through a hard time, I was just going to be that safe place for him. And if he ever had anything difficult to talk to me about I would all I would never chastise him about ways that he treated me I would never bring up anything negative, I would always just say, I’m so glad. You know, I’m so glad you’re able to talk about that. Like, let’s work through this. I’m here for you. And so, so we started kind of doing that. And it helped, there was still I still knew that there was kind of some other stuff going on. And I just I pray I started praying for my husband, just so much because i i There was a heart change that there was a negative heart change that had happened in both of us. And there was a positive heart change that was still needing to happen in both of us. And I could see it started happening with me. And so I just kept praying for him and there. And it. I won’t go into the specifics of it. Yeah, sure. But they’re they’re just very much came a day where a lot of things were were talked about. And it was and we were able to really get down to the bottom of a lot of things. And it was from that day forward. And that was just nine months ago. And from that day forward, you could just tell in our relationship walls had come down. And we we have a stronger relationship. Now we’re able to deal with conflict, so much better. All of those things, but it all started with me just backing off. And I think that was the hardest thing for me to do. Because I’m such a people person, I’m such a that kind of person who wants attention. Gosh, I love attention. Very much that person. So I hear that. Yeah. And these were very lonely. And I had to and it’s not because of anything my husband was was doing wrong. It was just what he needed was he needed that space for him because of his personality because of his introversion. And so I had to give him that space. And I really had to start finding other things to not like, like, relationships with other women friendships, getting in small groups, finding mentors, focusing on Hobbies, doing things like that, where I wasn’t just putting so much pressure on my husband to make me happy. Hmm,
19:01
I love this. So I want to kind of dial back into some of the things you said, which I think is wonderful. The first one is that you made it very clear that you’re very protective of your husband. And I think that is so wise. So anyone listening, you know, my husband sounds similar to yours, and that he’s a very private person. He doesn’t even put his own picture on Facebook. Like he just is very private, private. Yeah. He just I mean, he doesn’t mind if I tag him in some things, but he just prefers to keep things you know, to himself. But it’s interesting, actually, I was just reading a study about men and women how they process things differently or, and it was kind of talking about, let’s see, I guess it was on a podcast anyway. I’ll link it up. It’s a good it’s a good podcast. I’ll link it up because it’s talking about different studies that’s done. I think the book was called Love factually. But anyway. Husband and wives when they have lived their lives together, and at the end into their life, elderly people or later in life, I guess, when one of the spouses die, usually what happens is the wife, if let’s say the husband dies, the wife will often continue on years afterwards, because she’s built close connections to lots of different people like her, her children or her, you know, friends at the bridge club or whatever her girlfriends whatever. And for men, what the statistics are showing is that when the wife dies, usually the husband will die within a year. Because that’s his closest connection. That’s his closest relationship. And I think it’s interesting that even if we see our husbands as being ones that are kind of put by themselves and that kind of thing. Often what statistics show is that usually the husband is the most intimate, emotionally speaking with their wife, and pretty much no one else. And so if you think about your own marriage, regardless of what’s going on, and whether it’s, you know, really good or really not right now, I just think that’s kind of encouraging that that space that you have between the two of you is sacred, it’s very, very vital for the health of your husband just thinking about in his shoes, much less your own, but just as a safe space. So I really like how, and you’re talking about this, this season that you went through how you had to really be responsive to what he was going through. And I think, you know, just this theme of anger. For husbands, a lot of women don’t know what to do with the anger of their husbands. I have had times where I just don’t know what to do, because I’m like, we need to get to the bottom of this. And right now. Yeah, and, yeah, and I think, um, you know, anger is hard, because for men, a lot of them are, for the most part in our society, they’re socialized to express their feelings through anger, like, if they’re upset, the only appropriate manly responses to get angry is to punch something is to go yell, or do you know what
22:05
I mean? I do, because they don’t cry. I mean, some do. Yeah. But typically men, they’re not going to sit there and cry like girls do. Right? So yeah, I totally get what you’re saying. Absolutely.
22:16
And it’s funny, because studies show that actually tears, it’s so funny, this tear ducts in your eyes, something about when you cry, and actually releases chemicals in your brain that like, alleviates a lot of pressure. And isn’t that it’s true. I have a male, one of the lead pastors at my church, we were talking about, and he’s a crier, he likes me. He just embraces that aspect. Yeah, and it’s so healthy, because you need ways of releasing the pressure. But yeah, so to go kind of back to what you’re saying, with a lot of men, the anger is, is just their go to they don’t know how to deal with what they’re what’s happening to them. And so anger is the way they respond to it. So my question in all of that is when you started to see this anger coming out, and please just share what you’re comfortable sharing. But when you started to see that, how were you like, what would be your initial reaction? And how did you sort through that? And,
23:18
yeah, I would get defensive immediately. So it didn’t matter what he was angry at, you know, he could have been angry, and he could have been angry about something that he was just telling me about that happened. But you know, though, and this is with anyone, but when it when I’m talking to anyone, and their tone of voice changes towards me, and they are there, the way they talk, like they’re getting louder when they talk or different things like that. I just start taking it as I feel like I need to get in a defensive kind of posture now. And even if they’re not attacking me, I feel I’m really good at playing devil’s advocate. So I like I defend the opposite side. And I’ve kind of had to stop doing that as much as I’m just I hear what you’re saying. Yeah, it’s kind of my nature to just fight. That’s weird. Like, that sounds really terrible. But it is I’m very and so when, when I would get defensive and fight, even if it was something stupid, even if it was something I didn’t really care about at all, or have any, you know, pig in the fight with it didn’t matter. Maybe it’s dog in a fight,
24:30
whatever. Either one pigs or dogs
24:34
in the fight, they’re fighting, right? Yeah, so I would, I would just get very defensive and then I would take things very personally, or read into things that he didn’t actually say and interpret them in my way of thinking not in the way he said them.
24:56
Yeah, I think that’s huge. Well, okay, so the double adequate thing, I think is a very strong temptation for any of us to get into when we’re at like odds with someone else. So regardless of what it is, it’s almost like, Well, you didn’t do this and this and this, or here’s the holes in your argument. Whereas, is that promoting peace? Is that bringing the ball forward to where you want it to go? Like, are you? Are you helping your situation? Are you moving towards your goal? Or are you just like, clawing at each other? Because I get that temptation to it’s huge. It’s huge when you start getting into this defensive mode. So then how, how does a wife when she feels her defenses go up? And maybe we can clarify what would you say is defensiveness.
25:42
Okay, perfect. So this, this still happens with my husband, I really don’t think he mind me sharing this is very common. Sure, sure. That he so if he’ll say something, something like, I am not going to move the couch right? Now, this is very fitting because we’ve been moving furniture. So if he says, I’m not gonna move the couch right? Now, I might, he’s just saying, I’m not gonna move it right now, I might here, I really don’t want to move the couch at all. So go ahead and move it yourself. Like that’s, this is what goes on in my mind. So I’m like, Okay, since he doesn’t want to do now, I’ll go ahead and do it. So it’ll be over with, I’ll just take matters in my own hands, all that kind of stuff, going back to that type A personality. So then I get defensive. So even even make two things might happen. I might say to him, really, you can’t just help me move it right now. And get defensive and try to protect, you know, I want to I still want to feel important. I don’t want to feel like things are shrugged off on me. So I’m going to be defensive in that way. Or I could not say anything, move at myself, and just act really terrible the rest of the day. So if he tries to talk to me about something else later than I respond, like, you know, if he says, What do you want for dinner? And I say, I don’t care, you know, and he’s like, wait, what’s wrong? And to me, I’m still mad about the couch, and it’s carrying on into every other conversation. that specific question didn’t happen. But yeah. But yeah, I am like that. This, a lot of this is about me, like the way that I respond to things, you know, if I, so in either of those situations, here’s what happens. When I respond either those two ways, he will inevitably it creates a cycle where he’s like, I didn’t say, I wouldn’t help you move it in, then he gets defensive back, and it just creates this whole thing. And then we end up fighting, and then it ends up, you know, what could have been a great, nice dinner together, and, you know, a relaxing evening, could turn into something just where we have an all out fight, and it’s about something stupid, and it just ruins the evening, and which will inevitably make the next day, a little Tinder to walk around. And you’re trying to figure out, you know, are they still mad? And so?
28:02
Yes, absolutely, yeah. Well, and I think it’s very easy to go that direction, especially, especially if we have some baggage in that area. Maybe it reminds us of our father, or just ways that we’ve kind of been hurt in the past, or even ways that they’ve hurt us in the past. It’s easy to, to take on that and say, well, he doesn’t want to help me, well, he’s not going to support me when we have kids. And well, he’s not going to be a good father. And well, I married the wrong guy. I mean, it’s so easy to, to put this and, and really, without knowing it, a lot of times, that’s what our unconscious is looking at. It’s funny, if you think about, I’ll try to find this book that I’ll link in the show notes. But it’s basically talking about the different stages of a woman’s life and what she’s looking for in a partner. Because when we’re younger, we’re looking for the bad boy that kind of gives us excitement and adventure. But then a little older, we’re looking for someone who’s going to be a good father, and then a little older than that we’re looking for someone who’s going to be responsible and support us in our old age. And it’s just, we don’t realize, but these expectations are surrounding us. While we’re having communications with our husbands all the time, that we’re like, Well, you know, this small little microcosm of an experience means that you are not going to be able to x and I think as wives and I just encourage anyone listening. If you think about the most recent argument that you had with your husband, what were your expectations? Why did it go to that next level? Why did you get defensive? I think one huge in the in the why under there Right? Is your expectation. How did you want it to go? What was what he said triggering to you? Why did that matter to you so much, why couldn’t you just let it go? You know, I think those are huge questions, but one quote that I want to share from one of my favorite books is called The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. That was a book that I read years ago that just kind of put me on course, isn’t it wonderful?
30:08
Yeah, absolutely.
30:11
Well, one thing it shares is seek first to understand, rather than to be understood. And the reason I think that’s poignant to what you’re saying, Kimberly, is because when we have these instances where we are dealing with anger, something you brought up, was you started to realize what is going on for your husband, when he gets angry, and you trying to understand why he’s getting angry, instead of saying, thinking about your response. So you’re first supposed to be seeking first to understand rather than to be understood. So when he’s getting angry, if that goes, your your mind is to try to understand what’s going on. So that kind of leads me to my next question, how did you get to this place of understanding where your husband was coming from?
31:04
You know, part of it was I had, I couldn’t overanalyze it as well. So there comes to there comes a point where if I’m trying to focus on why he’s angry, and I let it, you know, I did this. I know other women who do this all the time, they just ruminate on it all day long. And they just, you know, keep thinking, Well, what about this? What about that? Was it this? Was it that? And there’s kind of just, you know, two basic questions I would ask. The first one was, Did I did I honestly do something like looking at it from a unbiased position? Did I honestly do something that could have that could have come off? Is being rude or anything like that, that might have made him angry? And if my answer to that was no, then I wasn’t going to think about it anymore. And then the second part is, is there anything else that might be going on in his life, that could be seeking it seeping in to all to how he’s reacting at home? Or, you know, wherever? And typically, that’s where I find typically, that’s where yeses, you know, just because I if something were, just because something might not affect me, if it were going on in my life doesn’t mean that it doesn’t affect my husband, if it’s going on in his life, you know, his stresses are different than my stresses I, I stress out so much about, you know, work or writing, getting articles written, you know, you understand these things like you upload your podcast, if it were me, I’d be like, Oh, I’m stressed out, I have to get this in by a certain time. So the iTunes can make it live stuff. Yeah. And that would stress me out, where is he, he wouldn’t get stressed about that. But He gets stressed out about different stuff that doesn’t stress me out. And so I really just had to, I would kind of let those two questions guide it. And once I figured out, you know, it’s probably something external, then I just said to myself, Okay, you know, I can’t control what’s going on in his life. And I can’t make him talk about it either. So the only thing I can do, and I can’t and what would make it all worse is if I chastised him, saying, you’re really acting terrible, or no, you should really do this differently. Because that’s just no one wants that no one wants to be around a person that they that they can’t feel safe with when they’re going through a hard time or when they’re having a hard day. So I’ve really harsh like, I so understand how a marriage relationship is like that between Jesus and us. Because, as we always say, is I always say about the people we work with when when helping them save their marriage. You know, when you’re wanting to save your marriage, or when you’re wanting to communicate better in your marriage, when you’re wanting to do anything in your marriage, you’re going to have to do things that you don’t want to do, you’re going to have to do things that aren’t first nature to you, you’re going to have to do things that aren’t that that seem like you are giving way more than you’re getting. But that’s exactly what Jesus does for us. So what I tried to do and I did it well sometimes and other times I still struggle with it, but you know, I would just when he would come home or when he’d be you know in a bad mood if something had happened and I would just hey, what can I do for you? You know, do you need time alone if you need to like find and if he needs time alone I don’t I don’t push I don’t I just let him have that. Or you know, can I go can I go get you something just opposite reaction of the anger just very I’m here for you. You know, I love you no matter what. And whatever I can do for you. That’s what I want to do and just not trying to. There’s it I keep thinking get even it’s not getting even but I think so many times people just want to tell their husband, or tell their wife exactly what they’re doing wrong so that they can change it. And I’ve found that for us, I would do that too at the beginning, but now I just focus on what I love that he does. And I say, Hey, thank you, you know, I really appreciate that you did that. Or if we really need to talk about something, you know, I’ll say, hey, you know, next time, would you consider doing it this way? Because I think that would be way better. And so I try to not let anything come that I say, now come off as me attacking him or anything that would make him feel like I was pressuring him to do something a different way. I really just had to change the way that I communicate with him.
35:45
Mm hmm. Yeah, that’s really good. And I like that you talked about Okay, so he’s angry. Let’s think about two questions. So the two questions you said is, did I honestly do something that could have made him angry? And number two, could there be anything else going on that could be seeping in. And both of those I think, are really good. And especially, you know, I sound sounds like Kimberly, you and I have a lot of like, where, where we want to sort through what’s happening and deal with it together. Whereas it sounds like you opted for a much more mature approach to say, okay, he’s angry, and I can’t change him. And I can only change myself, I can only control what’s going on in my life, what I can do. And so when you talked about how you changed your habits around where you are waking up at 530, in the morning, is that
36:38
you said 430 to five? Yeah, we’re 35
36:41
Amazing to make sure that you had your head on straight that you were in the word that you were praying. I mean, that’s the kind of commitment we need to be having to our marriages that it takes to to get this thing right the right way on track. But I’ve also heard people say it really only takes one. And if one person is committing to live like Jesus, because Jesus, just as you said, he was proactive before we even I mean, honestly, were born like he, he but he for knew our sin. And He went forward and went to the cross and serves us daily and is gently guiding us daily, before we even attempted to love him before we even attempted to respond. And, yeah, I just love that that was your point that Jesus does for us. Before we do anything, he went first. And so I think, you know, your point is to be the one that’s going first in your marriage and responding in a generous spirit. What can I do for you? How can I make your life easier? How can I support you. And the good news is that a lot of times, it’s going to turn full circle. And you get to a spot in your marriage where the anger has been sorted through, he’s had the space to sort through it himself. You know, a lot of times, I know, something that’s really been helpful for me is that even in the times that I’ve treated my husband badly, if he still goes forward and supports me and loves me in ways that I don’t deserve, it actually motivates me to get to the bottom of why I was feeling that way. And it motivates me to change. If he instead is to respond in anger, and you know, hatefulness, and that kind of thing, it makes me resistant, it makes me try to justify my behavior, even though my behavior was horrible. But because I’m defensive, I’m trying to say No, I’m okay, XY and Z, I did all these things, instead of just, you know, I think we need to give our husbands the space to really save face, almost like give your husband the space to change, but to remain to keep their dignity intact. It it doesn’t feel good, no one likes to feel that they, you know, have to be a dog with their tail between their legs and all that stuff you don’t want. You know, you want to give your husband the space to change with dignity to remain that way and, and God will deal with him, God will make him humble, you don’t have to do that. That’s not your job. That
39:19
is so true one that kept during the time when I was seeking God. You know, when some of the things were just really hard to go through. The thing that kept coming into my mind is, God will fight for you. And I saw that over and over just how God would protect me when I needed it. God would fight for me when I needed it. I didn’t have to do it. God did it like and I think that so just a breath of fresh air to just know who you are his daughter you He loves you. He wants the best for you and he is going to fight for you and if you doing the right things and you’re walking in line with him. Then, you know, one of the instance we were, you know, we work marriages in crisis and marriage really are on the brink of divorce. So many times people say, but what if I do all of it, and we still divorce and we still don’t make it. And the one thing I keep saying to them is, God is not going to return you void. If it’s not your marriage that can be resolved, which we’ve seen marriages saved, even after divorce. So we absolutely still advocate to still stand if that’s what they choose to do. But you know, we keep saying, if you have done everything, right, and if you have honored God in everything that you stood to do, God will not return it void. It says it so many times in the Scripture, so many times in the scripture, and he will, he will fight for you. He will protect you, he will, he will give back to you what was lost in some way.
40:56
I think that’s exactly right. When you’re dealing with a really difficult thing, in your marriage, anger, whether it’s you being the angry person, or receiving that God wants you to take the first step, regardless of how effective you think it’s going to be. That’s what he asks you to do. To be like Jesus to take that first step and do what you can do. So I just encourage you to spend a moment in prayer. How can you respond more grace filled more proactively more like Jesus to your spouse. And that’s your homework hikes. I’m excited to share with you the second half of this wonderful interview with Kimberly, she’s got some awesome discussion about goals and getting people aligned on the same page with you and your husband. That’s going to come out next Tuesday. So please come back for that. Otherwise, God bless you. I’m praying for you praying for your marriage and love you. Thank you for tuning in today. And we’ll talk more soon. Bye.
42:07
Thanks for listening. Stop by delight your marriage.com to check out all the show notes as well as many more resources and articles. Until next time, live with love, wisdom impassion