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Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about. delight your marriage. All right, welcome back. It’s Bella. And hello, my friend, thank you for tuning in. So we’re going to be talking about our words, and why they impact the marriage and even the marriage bed. And I think this is going to be helpful for women and also for men. And, yeah, it’s just so important our words. And even well, we’ll get into way more than that in just a bit. But you’re probably tuning into me because you want some insight, inspiration, or encouragement around your marriage and around your intimacy. And that’s what we do here to delight your marriage, that’s, we are experts in transformation in marriages and an intimacy. I mean, it’s a holistic kind of approach that we take around marriage. And I encourage you, I really encourage you to consider the option of joining us in a program. And we’re fine tuning these things all the time. But by God’s grace, we have a huge, huge breakthroughs that we get to see on a consistent basis in families. And that’s the truth of it, it impacts your family, it impacts your children. And it’s just uncanny the kind of transformations we get to witness in a marriage, and then how it trickles down to your kids. And your kids see, you change and see your spouse change. And they’re just like, if they can change, I can change. I mean, that’s what I hear. It impacts the way your kids look at their own life. If your kids are adults, and they see you change, they believe they can change. Also, if your kids are young, and they see you become the loving parent that you need to be to them and to their their parent, it makes a huge difference in who they see themselves to be and how safe they see their family as and who they can see God as it’s, it’s it’s immeasurable. So I just want to invite you take the risk, take the step to find out more, we’re gonna spend a lot of time on a call with you to find out your situation, and what we can do to help you and if we can help your situation, we don’t invite everybody into a program because we don’t feel like we’re the right fit for everybody. But if we do, God may have something incredible in store for your marriage on the other side of doing some work. And we can walk you by the hand through that. So go to delight your marriage.com/cc Sign up for a clarity call within a clarity advisor that I trust to walk you through this process. Alrighty, let’s go ahead and dive into this topic.

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Right, righty, let’s start with James three, one, not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. We all stumble in many ways, anyone who is never at fault in what he says, what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check. So I think there’s two things here. When I read that scripture originally, I am thinking about being judged at, you know, in eternity, like that’s a big deal. And when my husband read it, he thought it was actually being judged by other people. And honestly, I think both are true. I think that we who sign up and raise our hands and say we want to help continue the gospel and and if that means we’re going to be teachers, then we’re signing up for a life under the spotlight, and scrutiny and criticism, possibly, and even our own, the own our own mindset being attacked by the enemy. Because we’re out there in front and that that’s the hardest place to be. And so I want to just invite you to be thinking about that. And what Jesus says in Matthew 1236, but I tell you that everyone will have to give an account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken. I think that is very scary, and I hope it scares both of us. because the fear of the Lord is a strong tower, the fear of the Lord is actually a refuge. I was reading through Proverbs The other day, and it was this beautiful passage, Proverbs 1426. And the fear of the Lord one has strong confidence, and his children will have refuge back to the children. When we have fear of the Lord, one has strong confidence. And so that fear of the Lord should provoke us to be careful on what we say. Be careful on what we say. There’s a bunch of other scriptures in Proverbs 14, specifically about words. It says whoever speaks truth gives honest evidence, but a false witness utters deceit, there is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue is but for a moment. I love that because again, talking about teachers, the people that are critical of teachers, but if the teaching is true, maybe the criticism hurts in the moment. But it endures just for a moment. But truth endures forever truthful, limp lips. The next one is deceit is in the heart of those who devise evil, but those who plan peace have joy. So I just want to just encourage you, once again, in the fear of the Lord one has strong confidence and his children have refuge. So your words really make a difference. They are really important. And James makes it clear, like we’re, we’re going to stumble, we are going to stumble on our words. But don’t make that an excuse to not care because Jesus obviously cares. He says, you’re going to have to give an account for every thoughtless word. Now, I’m here to tell you that it actually also matters in your marriage. It also really matters in your marriage, because the way you judge someone else in front of your spouse, they can’t help but say, Oh, if they’re going to judge someone else, that way, they’re also judging me that way. And if they’re going to judge somebody else that way, and that harshness in that mean spiritedness, they’re also judging me in that harshness, and that means spiritedness. And in the same moment, especially for wives, but I think for husbands too, but for wives, I think it’s important for a husband to hear this. If you’re judging somebody outside of the bedroom, she knows that you are judging her inside of the bedroom, those same judgments she can tell. And so now she perceives you as a meanie. And if you’re a mean to somebody else, even if it’s in the privacy of your own home, and it’s just gossip between the two of you. She sees that meanness and knows that that meanness is directed towards her even in your own thoughts in the bedroom.

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And so yeah, I stumble myself in my words. We all will and we all do. We all are human. But we have to take it seriously. It’s important that we take our word seriously. And it’s important that we take our word seriously, even if we’re only talking to our spouse. I think there’s a I don’t know, I’ve heard this some some times where it’s almost like there’s no secrets between spouses. And it’s almost like this idea of if you tell one spouse, the other spouse will automatically No, and I just don’t think that’s right. I think that there’s a confidentiality that should be upheld, if somebody like, I just think that there should be some boundaries of confidentiality. If if one spouse is told something, and that person doesn’t want them to know, unless, you know, unless somebody could get hurt otherwise, or if there’s, you know, really a serious issue that needs addressing, but if it’s, you know, somebody’s story, and you can tell right off the bat that that story, they would feel embarrassed if it was shared, like that’s on you to cover that to, to not share that. It says that that love covers sins, it covers offenses, that when we love others, we’re actually covering the sin rather than exposing the bad thing. Now of course, you know, that’s not including when when somebody says and needs correction, godly correction. But it’s more along the lines of let’s say somebody’s telling you a story about something and you can tell it’s vulnerable, it’s hard for them to share, like the understood quality of that connection with you, and this other person means it’s confidential. Maybe they don’t turn around and say, Would you keep that private, but it’s your own character that says, I’m keeping this private, this is a private matter. Clearly this person was sharing vulnerably. Clearly, they trusted me with something, this is their story. It’s not my story to share. Now that’s in personal relationships and friendships. But what about when you see a teacher, and you disagree with what a teacher is saying? Well, once again, if we go back to what my husband said, I, teachers are going to be judged more strictly in our society. That’s just the way it goes, the farther out in front you are, the more people can have an eye on you. And it’s human nature to judge. Even though we know biblically speaking, what judging is all about. But what I think is important is gossip. Not only is your words, but now in 21st century is your keyboard, what you type out on the internet, can just be plain old gossip, it can be just plain old gossip, you’ve got to apply the exact same thing in Scripture, when it says you go directly to the person you have a problem with, you don’t tell all these other people the issue or where they were wrong, or all this sort of thing. Like, it’s just, there’s so much out there, that should just be considered gossip, idle words, you know, I was talking to someone the other day, and I, you know, told them about someone that I really appreciated their work, and, and who they are for Jesus, and I just, I really enjoy them. And, and they got back to me and said, I would be careful about you know, this particular, because there’s some controversy around it. So I wouldn’t want to align ourselves with that. And you know, me, I’m just going to go out there and say, whatever I think is great. And it doesn’t mean that I have read all of their stuff or agree with every single line item of what they have said, and, you know, never, the truth is, here’s how I feel, I agree with the Holy Spirit, that is my guide, if there is anyone out there that I agree 100% With that doesn’t even make sense. Because they would be my God. And that’s not none of us are all of us get it off a little bit, at least, even if we are being directed by the Holy Spirit. And sometimes we get it off to some person, like some person receives it in a way that, you know, hurts them because of their history and what they’re perceiving the communication to mean, and for somebody else, it person, they perceive it completely different. And it really helps them. So

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the point of the matter is, we need to be careful to not be judging others, even from our keyboard, even from our own, you know, perspectives of things, we need to just be careful that we’re not tearing down. You know, we’re supposed to be building up in the body of Christ. And the thing that’s funny about it when I was talking to this person is like, you know, I reference non Christian people all the time on my podcast. And it’s like, no one has a problem with that. But when I get Christians that I’m referencing, because I like what they said, it’s like, oh, no, we’ve got to be careful of denomination, we got to be careful of this and controversy, because somebody said something bad about someone like, just insanity. It is so backwards. I’m talking about the reality of our world today, especially Christians were tearing down rather than building up. Why don’t we look at another Christian and say, Hey, I like this about you. I see this in you, I encourage you in this. Now for me, I’m a coach. So people come to me and they want to be coached. So I get to be a little more, you know, critical of them because they’re like, hey, what am I doing wrong? Why isn’t this working? Okay, so great. So I get to be that coach for them. But a lot of times, I don’t have the grace to talk to people outside of them paying me for coaching to give them feedback. That’s just reality. So what do I do instead? I just encourage the good. I just encourage the good The inch that they’re moving towards Jesus, I encourage, and I listen to the negative. And my goal, though, is to encourage the good. You know, God does use people, he does use certain, but the thing that I just want to remind you is that it’s really hard being out in front. It’s really tough being out in front, the more I talk to pastors and leaders, and it is hard work being out in front, my husband is so good, he is so good at encouraging others. And I’m going to have him on the podcast again, because people are just like, I want to hear from your husband. I’m not taking it personally, because I want to hear from him too. But he is so good at just, you know, sitting with our pastor, and just sharing the good of what the pastor is doing, instead of critiquing, instead of, you know, anything other than that, like pastors have a really hard job, it’s really hard to care for the flock, and stay smiling. So I just want to encourage you to be the one that encourages more than terrorists down. And even in my coaching, I really do strive to encourage and encourage the good encourage the bat, sorry, encourage the good and ignore the bad, until I’ve gotten to a place of really strong trust, where it’s where, where you would where that person would get would be receptive to what I may say that is asking them to shift gears. But encouraging the good. You know, just the fact that we’re in the same zoom call means that they are doing good work, they’re showing up. They didn’t give this thing up. They keep coming back. It’s it’s phenomenal. And, again, how does this impact your intimacy when your spouse sees you, if you are mean to others, even just in your heart because she hears it, she hears the way you speak about someone else. Again, with Matthew 1230, it says, Whoever isn’t not with me is against me. And whoever does not gather with me scatters. And so I tell you, every kind of sin and slander can be forgiven, but blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven. Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come. These are Jesus’s words. Words matter. Words matter. Slander and speaking against, in I don’t fully understand what speaking against the Holy Spirit means.

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But again, that should give us fear that our words matter. The next verse in verse 33, make a tree good, and its fruit will be good or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad for tree is recognized by its fruit. You brood of vipers. How can you who are evil say anything good for the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. And a good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him. and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. Again, your spouse can perceive where these words are coming from. Verse 36, but I tell you that everyone will have to give an account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken. For by your words, you will be acquitted. and by your words, you will be condemned oh my goodness, our words matter. They are so important. And if your motivation about your words is just so that your spouse can feel more comfortable in intimacy fine. Hopefully the fear of the Lord has come upon you based on what I just read. We’ve got to be careful with these words. James talks about a whole forest fire is set ablaze. By our words, by our gossip, by our comments on Facebook, by our reviews on Amazon. I don’t know where your words are, but clean these things up. apologize. Ask God for forgiveness of your words, ask your spouse for forgiveness of your gossip. Words matter. You know, believe it Jesus doesn’t say your words in front of XYZ audience, he says your words. But get this if you are a leader in any capacity, your words are important. So if you are critical, especially of other Christian leaders, your words matter. And your audience, following your words, oof, setting a forest on fire, setting a forest ablaze. But what if you went to the person that you want to criticize? And you talked to them one on one? What if you did that? Oh, but I couldn’t talk to them because they’re too high up or data? I don’t? I don’t know. But, man, what if we were unified as the body of Christ? What if we actually did what Jesus said he wanted before he went to the Christ that we would be unified. It matters to him and our words, that’s the poison. We’ve got to be so careful. We’ve got to be so careful. I have got to be more careful. You have got to be more careful. Yeah, yes, we need to judge the spirits, we need to be careful, we need to listen to somebody, when we’re listening, you know, this teacher, that teacher, this preacher or that preacher or this, whatever it may be, we need to, we need to use God’s discernment as to whether or not this is right for us, or this is God’s wisdom for us, et cetera, et cetera, but doesn’t necessarily mean you need to go out and slander them. Instead, it might mean that you are not going to listen to that person anymore, or you’re gonna pray for them. If we think our prayers matter, we’re gonna pray that God would open their eyes to wisdom, and God would open their eyes to the damage they’re doing. Right. That’s our, that’s our biggest assignment is prayer is prayer for them. Just like we pray for our leaders, when we think they’re off, we pray for them. I mean, the more I just keep saying these things, the more I feel convicted about myself. So I hope this just calls all of us to a heightened degree of attention to our words. Because they mattered to Jesus. Remember, Jesus is the Word. The Word was made flesh and dwelt among us. What? What’s the word? It matters that much. And when we speak the word of God, that matters that much,

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apparently, because I’m gonna have to give an account for every single one that I say, my goodness, my goodness. So, so let us let us repent. Let us ask God to put that guard on our mouth every day that he would help us with our speech. Let us let us live in the fear of the Lord. Souter protects us and protects our children. Let us live in that place. That our words, let us encourage our spouse to live in that place, if if we have that grace with them. That’s what my husband and I do a lot is we really help each other to get out of our, our icky word life. The point is, we need to muzzle our words, we need to be more careful. I need to be more careful. Yeah. So the other day, I was frustrated about something and I was I was really, like, I was saying some stuff that I usually do not say. And my husband really was able to just be like, um, let’s think about that person. Here’s their situation, here’s probably why they’re coming. And doing those things, which Yeah, I mean, he didn’t disagree with me that I was frustrated at. It was, it was it was something minor, but it was a child was being mean to our son. So I was I was not happy. And I had lots of bad things to say about it. But the truth of the matter is that that little boy has a hard life. And I’m grateful that my husband gave me that perspective, even though in the moment I was not interested in hearing it, but that’s what I want. And the more I’m talking about words, the more I want that there’s even a verse in the Bible. Let me see if I can find it. So there’s a couple of versions But I’d like for proverbs 1019 new and a New International Version says sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues. And then the Berean Study Bible says when words are many sin is unavoidable. But he who restrains his lips is wise. There’s another version that I can’t see off the top of my head, but I think it’s Oh, yeah, it’s English Standard Version says when men and when words are many transgression is not lacking. But whoever restraints his lips is prudent. There’s one other that says when I think it says, when many words are present, sin is not absent. So I just think that it is so important for us to be more and more and more careful with our words. And as Christians to build each other up to encourage each other, to say, You know what, I agree with you on this, or here’s how I think this is awesome. Or here’s how I think you are awesome. And you know, what’s really great about being careful with your words around your spouse, is you can actually spend time complimenting somebody else. And what that does is indirectly teach your spouse, this is what matters to me. This is what I think is great. Instead of gossiping about somebody and you’re teaching in your indirectly that your spouse is thinking, Oh, this is what he cares about. This is what he thinks about this is the bad stuff. Instead, think about the good. Think about the good, and you’re always in you’re always indirectly teaching everyone you get around. So by your words, by your actions, you’re always indirectly teaching them what you’re about what and your kids, you’re always indirectly teaching them who they should be, or who they might want to be or who they don’t want to be because you do certain ways or certain things. So we are always indirectly teaching. And I just want to invite you, there’s a quote by Jane Goodall, and I really like this quote that says, what you do makes a difference. What kind of difference do you want to make? Or will you make or whatever. But the point is that so often we think what we do, or what we say doesn’t matter. And so then we don’t invest it wisely. We don’t choose wisdom in what we do and say, because we’re like, ah, no big deal. No, it

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is a big deal. It is a big deal. It is a big deal. We can do it with joy. We don’t have to do it with seriousness and drudgery. No, we can do it with joy. We can do really important things that matter with joy. We can do it laughing we can do with playfulness. That’s that’s like really great when you’re doing stuff that matters and you love it. And it’s fine because you know you’re loving others well with your words, and you’re playing your don’t have to be all serious. You can be vulnerable and messy with other humans because humans are messy. And that’s normal. Don’t take yourself so seriously. Yeah, that’s my encouragement. Let’s, let’s pray. Father, I pray that You would help us with our words, Lord, you know, they’re so important. And help us to not tear each other down. Help us to see the good in someone else and pick that out. Help us to see the good in the teachers and pick those things out. But also let’s not expect people to have a be perfection. But when we see imperfection in them, that’s the first thing is prayer for them is to ask you to reveal truth to them. And if we need to confront them, we speak directly to them in wisdom and kindness and gentleness, because the wisdom from above is first of all gentle is pure, is loving like it says in James, give us your grace. Give us your grace, to be wise with our words. In Jesus name. Amen. All righty. Well, I have definitely been convicted through my speaking. So if you have been to that makes to us. And I just believe that we are growing closer to Jesus heart by being drawn to repentance by the word that’s that’s what it is kindness that leads us to repentance. So yeah, I just encourage you to repent. I encourage both of us to come to God and say Listen, I need your help. Maybe you don’t say listen to God, maybe you just say God, I need your help. I ask you to help me. Forgive me of the past. Forgive me the way I spoke about others Forgive me of the way i i critiqued others. publicly Forgive me helped me to clean this up. Help me to apologize to those I need to apologize maybe it’s a lot of people maybe it’s our whole audience if we’re a big time person give us the grace to encourage the body help to unify the body and the ways we can Yeah, we just asked for your grace in Jesus name. Alright, love you. Thank you for coming on this conversation with me and wishing you a wonderful week. Hey, and if you need if you need help, you know I just would love to to work with you on the inside. It’s it’s so special. When we when we get to have this time together. So you can go to delight your marriage.com/cc and my dear friend, God bless you. We’ll talk next week.