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Hi there! This is part 2 of my chat with Ruth Buezis, author of Awaken Love. You can listen to part 1 here. If you loved listening to part 1, part 2 delves deeper into the specifics of lovemaking and Ruth and I’s thoughts about the different types of orgasm that women would love to experience. 

 

Other things we talk about:

• Just having sex vs. getting to know each other through sex
• The dynamics of who leads during intercourse
• The in and out movement for a man, it’s good for him. But how about the woman?
• The three ways women can have orgasms
• What does the Bible say about sex
• Is the intercourse you’re having with your spouse the kind of intercourse that leads to orgasm?
• The clitoral alignment technique: what is it exactly?

Some helpful things for the wives:

• What you can do to allow you to discover new and interesting feelings during intercourse
• The journey you can take to learn more about the orgasms you can experience
• Understanding new concepts and ideas that are related to orgasms
• G-spot vs clitoral orgasm
• The common anxiety wives experience before intercourse

Also, if you’d like a free 1:1 Clarity Call with Belah — a $500 value — she is offering that free to her audience. If you’re a man or a woman and are seeking for things to be transformed in your marriage and intimacy–this is for you! Here you will get insights into what’s blocking you from incredible intimacy in your marriage. Sign up for a time to speak to Belah at www.delightyourmarriage.com/call

 

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transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah rose.

0:21
All righty, welcome. This is belah rose, thank you for joining. This is part two of my interview with Ruth. And it’s just a wonderful conversation to continue. She’s worked with many wives and with husbands as well in classes, to help them understand more about the woman’s body and the way she thinks around sex. So this is going to be a really good interview, I think for you. And then also, I wanted to mention, if you are at a spot, dear husband, where you really want to help your wife move forward in intimacy, and you want to get to a place where it’s passionate and fun, and free and fierce in the bedroom, I want to invite you to get on a call with me. And we can talk one on one. And it’s a free call. And it is a $500 value, but you’re going to get incredible clarity, understanding about what’s holding you guys back, because a lot of times what looks like it’s on the surface isn’t what’s actually underneath. And so we get on that call and we go deep. And the catch is if I think I can help you, I’m going to share what my programs may be if they’re the right fit. And I don’t invite everyone, I don’t think that they’re the right fit for everyone to work with me. So no matter what you get amazing value from the conversation. And yeah, it turns out to be a really good insight into what’s going on. So to do that www.dy M dot A s.me Alright, without further ado, let’s go into this next conversation with Ruth.

2:10
It’s so interesting, the dynamics of a who leads during intercourse, right? I mean, one of you can just lay there and the other one’s just doing their thing, or vice versa, right, the other one can or can, one of you kind of lead and the other one move with you and then eventually connect that move back and forth between the two of you as far as like just being in tune to each other’s bodies. Right. Yeah. And so I think that’s something that’s really important. I think the other thing that men and women need to realize, you know, this in and out movement of the penis in the vagina, like that’s great simulation for a man. But for most women, it doesn’t really do much because it’s, it’s surface skin movement in the vagina. And if you think about like the three main ways that women have orgasm, right, clitoral stimulation, G Spot stimulation, and deep spot stimulation. You have to you have to think about well is the intercourse that we’re having, or the mechanics that we’re using are those stimulating those areas at all. For a lot of women, they don’t. I mean, if a man’s up on all fours, and he simply moving in and out of the vagina thrusting, you might bang the clitoris once in a while. But that’s about it. And so you really need to think about alignment of bodies. And I know that’s kind of a mechanic’s part of it. But it is an important part of it. I mean, if you looked at how they have intercourse in the movies, for most women, that’s not going to do it. Yeah, you get what I’m talking about, right? I mean, and so for a husband understand. Okay, so if I’m going to try to stimulate her clitoris during intercourse. Well, if, if I’m on top and she’s on the bottom, yeah. Right. They talked about that quote, online at technique where instead of being up on, on all fours, he’s like laying right on her body, he shifts up. And what that does is it wraps the shaft of his penis across her vulva. And then they’re kind of bumping and grinding against each other to try to stimulate her clitoris with his shaft basically. Right?

4:31
So in that, does he come all all the way outside? Or is it they really stay pretty close together? It’s kind of like rocking back and forth. Is that

4:39
it? Yeah, yeah. So they’re rocking back and forth together? Yeah. And, or if she’s on top and she’s trying to stimulate her clitoris right she’s going to be her hips are going to be tipped forward and she’s going to be writing him low and stimulating her clitoris against his, his pelvic bone. Essentially, if that’s what works for her g spot stimulation, most women that have G Spot orgasms a lot of times during missionary position to lift up their hips so that they’ll lift up their legs. And then he’ll thrust he’ll be almost all the way up and thrusting against that front wall or vagina. And so there are different ways to align the knees to stimulate different areas, but, but they’re all different than what you see in the movies, huh? Yeah, for most women, for a lot of women, right.

5:35
So in terms of the G spot, just mechanically, right, you’re talking about the bulbous part of the penis, stimulating the top part of her vagina, which is essentially the, the top part pointing to the

5:50
right side, and fairly close to the entrance of the vagina. Right.

5:55
And the g spot for everyone who might be new to this is essentially, the more spongy spot on the top of the vagina, just about an inch to a half inch on the coming in the inside. So the bulbous part, putting up against that, and that’s after she’s already very aroused, and very much ready for the experience. Right? Yeah, tell us more. If you don’t mind sharing more about the G spot orgasm. I know. That’s something that people would love to hear about. If you other thoughts on it.

6:30
Um, like you said, you have to be really aroused. I think it’s probably easier to discover and I don’t know, acclimate your body to it through manual stimulation, or, or Yeah, later, you know, it’s an area that typically is not stimulated, like it needs to be stimulated, unless you know about it. In and Out thrusting of a penis doesn’t really stimulate it, right? Because you need to press into that area with a firm pressure in order to stimulate it’s not on the surface of the skin. Yeah, it’s tissue between the vagina and the urethra.

7:09
Yeah. Yeah. And so what I found is super helpful is for women to and you kind of you alluded to this a moment ago, is like, women, we just don’t understand what the feelings are inside of our vaginas, we just aren’t aware that there are any feelings because there’s just been this thrusting back and forth. And then it’s like, Well, I’m really there. I mean, I barely have time to, you know, think about what could be actually feeling in there. So when you think about like a deep solder, cervical orgasm, or what you you know, the G spot orgasm, right? Which is inside of the vagina, so, actually having practices in place that support you, beginning to understand and hone in your senses to understand your vagina. So like you said, holding poses and waiting suddenly, when you feel something really unique being like, oh, whoa, that was cool. Wait just a moment, baby. And then that allows you to then discover, oh, that must be something interesting. And there’s a cool feeling there and then you get more aroused and then a potential G Spot Orgasm could happen or cervical orgasm where you actually can experience things but you’re right I mean, it’s this. It’s this journey of kind of discovery of where and what your body does and love. What are your

8:30
most women would say that a G Spot Orgasm feels completely different than a clitoral orgasm. Like if it is a different experience. And, you know, some people that study sexuality would argue well, it’s just a clitoral orgasm from the backside. And I have a hard time with that concept to be honest, because orgasms feel so drastically different from each other. Yeah. And, and it’s more of a pushing down a bearing down and and kind of this full body experience of pleasure is not near as distinct as a clitoral orgasm. And so don’t expect it to feel like a clitoral orgasm. Yeah, and I think you know, women that have masturbated there, or maybe they’ve experienced orgasms through manual oral stimulation, like it’s so clear, and there’s nothing else going on that’s distracting you. Hmm. And, um, and some women that masturbate, they’re like, why is that my strongest orgasm? Why is it that that like, I almost feel guilty? That That feels so enjoyable, and it’s not the same during intercourse? Um, you know, I There are a lot of reasons for that. I don’t think we need to feel guilty for I think we’re supposed to enjoy them with our spouse. Yeah, I agree and let them in on that. Right. Let them see an experience what that is, help teach them about our body. But there are things that can be if you’re trying Learn new things about yourself. It takes a while. And it’s a process, right? The first time you experience something like, Well, I don’t really know it was, it was okay. And then, you know, as you practice, your body just becomes more in tune to it. Yeah. So it recognizes pleasure. Earlier, it goes there faster, because you, your body recognizes, oh, we’re going to a good spot we’re going to place and so you respond quicker.

10:30
Yeah, right. Right. Well, we’ve talked a bit about the G spot orgasm. Do you want to share a little bit more about what a deep spot orgasm would be? Like?

10:42
Um, I have to admit, I don’t have any personal experience with this. I don’t think.

10:47
Yeah, um, but it’s not as common as the others that we’re just not. Sure.

10:53
So, um, D spot is typically a deep inside of the vagina very close to the cervix. Yeah. Usually on the tummy side. Yeah. But can be on the anterior side, or posterior side, I should say. Yeah. And it feels the same as G Spot Orgasm. I think it’s the same set of nerves that the pleasure trap travels through. But women experience deep spot orgasm will say that it is like a surefire trigger when they are highly, highly aroused. If you that spot is like, bam, hmm. And it goes, hmm. And so it’s a little bit different experience than G spot. The tricky thing with deep spot is that it’s close to the cervix. So if you’ve been the cervix, it’s painful. For most women, when women are highly aroused, your uterus will kind of tip up, and then your vagina will balloon out. So I think it probably gives you a little better access to that spot. There are things that you can do to explore with fingers or with a vibrator or something to explore that spot. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So during, during intercourse, that would be like deep thrusting. Sometimes woman on top where she can kind of, yeah, find the right spot is a very typical scenario for that.

12:20
Yeah, I think it’s interesting how, for me, I was I was just clitoral orgasms until I got an understanding that a big part of orgasm was surrender, which seems completely outside of mechanics, but no sexual at all. But the rendering in all areas of my life to my husband, in ways that I used to be, you know, quite a control freak. And it wasn’t until I actually was able to surrender in other areas that it started to also infiltrate the bedroom of, okay, I can trust him to really be inside, I can really surrender to all the feelings to all the stuff, I can really feel I don’t have to worry about how I’m looking, if my belly is jiggling or any of those things, I can actually surrender to the feelings and really bring him in and breathe without like, obstructing any of that and just opening the inside of me. And that was when I was able to do G spot or gushing or other kinds of orgasms. But I wasn’t able to do that. Before that ever at all. And and so I think that’s, uh, hopefully gonna, you know, I think sometimes, honestly, I think sometimes we as women, we just need permission for someone to say it’s possible to have more pleasure and sex than they’ve ever experienced before. And then suddenly, it’s like, oh, yeah, I okay. I can do I

13:52
know, I was one of those women that had never had an orgasm during intercourse, probably for the first 25 years of my marriage. And, you know, we just figured out what worked and it and it worked. Yeah. And I just think I just, I had read enough secular books that they’re like, Yeah, that’s kind of just a myth. Yeah. And so don’t even worry about it. And so I just thought, well, that’s not never going to happen for me. But if you think to yourself, that’s never gonna happen, right? Then it’s never going to happen. And so we have to have positive expectations of know, this is possible, even if it’s never happened. God could do something new, and I can wake up and learn something new as a couple. And in many ways, I think that intercourse is opportunities for really growth as a couple as far as trusting each other. As far as communication. As far as learning new things about each other being in tune to each other’s bodies. There’s so many things that intercourse can teach us as we move towards making intercourse more enjoyable for the wife. You talked about surrender. When I was really fresh As I had finally decided, You know what, like, I really want to get there, like, I want to work on this and we’d worked on a lot of things. And I would get so close, and I just didn’t I wouldn’t make it I would just be volunteers. And one night, just crying in and my husband helped me as I pray to God, I said, God, I’m done trying, like, this is yours. If you want this to happen, this is gonna happen, but but I want to just enjoy what’s going on. And I don’t want anymore and and I don’t want to try to control things. It’s up to you. And and that’s, that was a huge shift for me. Yeah, it’s not like it made it like so all of a sudden, I’m having orgasms every time during intercourse. But it was a huge shift in intercourse becoming this hugely connecting experience where I could enjoy it. We both could enjoy it. Sometimes I might orgasm. Sometimes I might not care by orgasm. Yeah, but it was still hugely connecting. Sometimes I might ask for an orgasm afterwards. And that was fine, too. Mm hmm. So that was a huge shift. Just like you said that surrender is a is a piece of it.

16:10
Yeah, it sure is.

16:12
But I want to say this, though, you know, I’ve read Christian books that have talked about if a wife will just surrender her husband, then she would have an orgasm during intercourse. And that drives me nuts. Like, seriously, because there are a lot of other things by just saying, Okay, I just render, it’s my fault. That’s why I’m not having an orgasm, because I’m being too controlling. Yeah, like, I’m sorry, I don’t buy that there are a lot of things that we need to learn out about our bodies, our husbands need to learn all kinds of things. That’s right. And so it’s a combination of things. Don’t just tell a woman like, well, you’re not responsive during intercourse, because you haven’t surrendered to your husband.

16:56
Hmm, yeah, I’d love the kind of clarification, right? Because it’s got to start out with a woman feeling extremely safe in intimacy, where he is caring about her emotions, caring about her feelings patient with her gentle with her. I mean, those are the things the fruits of the Spirit exhibited. Spin, and then the cherry on top is her like, okay, her response to all of that is like, okay, can

17:23
talk about anything and being honest with each other instead of pretending like that’s a huge step and sex. How many women are pretending because they don’t want to hurt their husband’s feelings, or they don’t want him to feel bad, or they don’t want to feel bad about themselves? And they’re like, No, I’m fine. You know, but they’re not really being honest with themselves. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

17:50
Great. Yeah. No, I love it. I love it. So I think probably the last thing I want to ask about, which is just often so frequent, sadly, to couples, but there’s a essentially an anxiety that wives have about, oh, my gosh, is he gonna approach me for sex tonight? Like, okay, you know, am I gonna get initiated upon? You know, later, whatever, there’s this anxiety about it? What? What can you say to that wife? What can you say to that husband that has that dynamic,

18:20
they used to be me. And I used to do the whole thing of not letting him touch me or cuddle or sometimes even offered to give a back rub. And, and I would turn it down, because I thought, well, he’s going to expect something afterwards, went out on dates, you know, your husband tries to do something nice. And the whole time you’re thinking he was going to expect sex afterwards, right. And, you know, a big part of that was a huge mind shift for me to understand that sex was as important for me as it was for my husband, that sex was not just my husband needing a physical release. But he wanted to feel intimate and connected to me. And so for me understanding more about sex, we’ve received so many bad messages about sex as far as it being a duty or a need for a husband. We start feeling like we need to protect ourselves. And, and that’s what we do. We protect ourselves. And the whole time, we’re missing out on a powerful gift that God gave us to strengthen our relationship. I remember having I remember finally, like my husband, he’s just really patient kind guy. And he wasn’t very demanding. And I remember sometimes he would just take forever warming me up, and then we’d have sex. And afterwards I think, man, did I need that? Oh, at the time, I didn’t think I needed it at all. Yeah, I really didn’t want it. Yeah. I think the other factor that factor that women need to realize is like the longer we go without sex, the less we want it and the less so true We get to this place where we like we could really do without it, we could care less. Right? Right. And that’s a bad place to be. Right? I guess it’s really a hard place for us. It’s a hard place for our husband. Right? And so for those women, I guess I would just really challenge them to really dig into okay. What, like, if you took away all the cultural messages you had about sex, and even the messages from church about sex? What does the Bible say about sex? Yeah, like, David comforted Bathsheba after she lost her child with sex. In Song of Songs, a husband and wife back 3000 years ago, when women were had a very low role in culture, they were absolutely equals. And she expressed herself and and she asked her what she wanted, and she was active and enjoyed sex, like. And so, like, sex is supposed to be amazing, according to God’s Word. Now, we’ve been impacted by a lot of things. And it takes a lot of work to undo those things and to embrace God’s design. But when we do, it’s a totally different thing. For a husband. It feels different when a husband I don’t know, initiate sex? Mm hmm. Like it is different. And so I think there’s a I think that’s a huge, big question with a lot involved. But I think there’s a huge mindset change that needs to happen. I don’t really like Band Aid answers about sex. So we’ll just compromise, or just, you know, do this for him. And then he’ll do this for you this barter thing, or there’s so many bad ways that we handle sex, I think we have to go back to the beginning to God’s word. And see why we’re supposed to have sex and how we’re supposed to have sex. God talks about having sex to get to know each other, like, are we getting to know each other through sex? Are we just having sex? There’s a big difference between just having sex and actually getting to know each other through sex. And one of the reasons I think women kind of dread sex is because a lot of couples are having sex where they’re not getting to know each other. Hmm, I think women are very in tune to like, are we actually connecting during sex? Are we just like getting an orgasm? Because that’s really not all that interesting to me. Does he know my insecurities? Can he speak into those? Yeah. You know, do I know his insecurities? Yeah. Why no ways. Like there are all kinds of ways that we stretch ourselves, and we get to know each other and we grow each other up during sex. Are we doing those things? Or are we just having sex? And so I think there’s not just an importance in, we need to have sex and marriage, I think there’s importance to how we have sex in marriage.

22:59
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And I think that, you know, there’s so many different aspects of what knowledge is in terms of each other, and how each other’s bodies work and what each other enjoys and know, the connection, the unification and the absolute vulnerability of different aspects and activities. And it’s just like, right, sex is all in the beat. You know, and above. And I think sometimes, like you said, this hierarchy gets on our way to make it seem like, you know, sue this way, or that’s it. Yeah. So

23:41
can I just say one more thing about the orgasm during intercourse? Because I don’t want women to feel like, like, I think that there’s some formula to have an orgasm during intercourse or that it’s, it’s absolutely the right way that you need to have sex. And you may never have an orgasm during intercourse. And, and I think that’s, that’s okay. Yes, I agree. Like, can you get to a place where intercourse is connecting, and enjoyable and pleasurable and doesn’t leave you frustrated at the end? But I think that’s important. There is some evidence that the distance between the clitoris and the vagina the greater that distance, the less likely you’re going to have an orgasm during intercourse. That distance is some they think is kind of roughly related to how tall you are now haha, okay. Um, and so like, it might just be a matter of how your body is shaped. Hmm. But what can you learn through that? And what can you learn through making intercourse enjoyable is not just about get to the finish line. It’s about making it connecting and learning about each other. Mm hmm.

24:52
Yeah. I love that. I love it. Ruth. It’s so wonderful to speak to you as always talk to you Well, please tell the audience where can they find you? And what are

25:03
you up to nowadays? So I blog at awaken dash love dotnet. And you can find my book there a link to my book. But we also have video classes. We have six week video classes for women. We have six week video classes for men. And then there’s a one week class for engaged couples, and I’m just out there trying to help Christian men and women know what an amazing sex life God wants for them in order to strengthen their marriage.

25:33
Yeah, I love it. It’s such a vital important. Important important. So that’s awesome roof. Yeah. Great. Well, thanks again. And God bless you. And we’ll talk soon.

25:45
Sounds great. Thank you.

25:46
Okay, take care. Bye. Amazing. Well, thank you Ruth’s for everything and sharing your heart and doing the work that you do. It’s just incredible. And I hope you, dear listener, whether you’re a husband or a wife, that you’ve been impacted, and that you’ve gotten some important nuggets for your intimacy in your marriage. Awesome. Well, let me pray for you and send you off. Father, I pray for the person on the other end of this line, Father, that there would be a greater sense of union between the husband and the wife God, that the husband had have greater insights to his wife to her heart to her body, Lord, and I pray for the wife as well would have a greater sense of her own body and her own feelings and what’s going on in the act of lovemaking. I pray that you would grow that and increase that in their marriage. In Jesus name. Amen. Awesome. Well, thank you. And again, if you are really looking for that clarity, this is an awesome opportunity to have a call with me one on one. And people just tell me that it’s it’s just such an impacting experience for them. And yeah, I honor and, and would love the opportunity to speak with you so www.dym.s.me Already, God bless. Bye.

27:24
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion