Move Past Low Libido To A Great Sex Life

How to Define Your Libido: A Personal Reflection

Actually, it’s hard for me to define my libido. I’ve heard people say pretty confidently how strong or weak their sex drive is. I am not really sure what mine is naturally. I know I am passionate about the topic. I know I love the experience. I know that since I was young I’ve been curious about it all. But in terms of how much my body desires the act, I am not really sure. I have generally deferred to my husband in terms of frequency. You might say I’m submitting to him, but I’m not sure that’s all the case. 

Understanding Your Sexual Desire: It Starts in Your Mind

I am not like my husband when it comes to being in the mood frequently. Most of the time, he can turn on as easily as a light switch and be ready for action at a moment’s notice. That is not the case for me. Most of the time, I need to commit my mind to the experience before my body gives any cues to desiring it. 

Why Regular Intimacy is Crucial for a Healthy Marriage

I deeply believe regular sex is vital to a healthy marriage. It is vastly important to your husband and it connects you two together like nothing else. I’ve seen the benefits in my marriage. When we are making love consistently, we are more connected, patient, kind and loving. It’s pretty amazing. That vision is why I don’t really care what my “natural” libido is.

Finding Your Ideal Frequency for Marital Intimacy

It helps me to think through how often we should make love in our marriage. This is something my husband and I have talked about numerous times. What would be best for him and what would be best for me. He would like to make love daily, or more if possible. I am more comfortable with a couple of times per week, but on vacation I’d be happy with every day as well. We meet halfway and have an ideal that I try to keep in mind. I’d encourage you to have this conversation with your husband and decide on a good frequency between the two of you. This ideal frequency (I’d encourage multiple times per week or every other day) should be in the back of your mind aiming to meet it every week.

How Open Communication Can Improve Your Sex Life

Because I have this ideal, I find it’s easier for me to go for it. When I expect to make love every other day, I can forget about any awkwardness that would’ve made me nervous in approaching my husband.

Keep in mind, if he is not instigating, he may have inhibitions himself. Open communication about what you would like and what he would like will help you both to feel more comfortable instigating. I wonder how many of his inhibitions stem from his own insecurities, not his lack of desire for making love to you. 

Practical Tips for Getting in the Mood for Intimacy

I don’t want you to think that I make love just to meet my weekly goal. I care very much that every time we make love, I am engaged and present and give (and receive) generously. I cannot enjoy it (and he can’t fully either) if my mind is running in a hundred different directions. As women, that is often something that requires discipline. The way I get in the mood is I decide to get in the mood. I decide to be generous and pretty soon my body responds.

I’d encourage you to get to a place in your marriage where sex frequently is the norm. This mindset helps me and is an incredibly enjoyable experience every time, regardless of what my natural libido may or may not be. I wish this for you because you’ll soon see the rewards in unity and love in your marriage.

If you have questions about why you may not be desiring frequent intimacy, we invite you to take our free Marital Health Assessment to gain a bit more insight into the the health of your marriage.