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Gain Confidence In The BedroomInsecurity steals the good things God desires for us. It can rob us of our God-given calling, a life-giving marriage, and a fulfilling sex life (just to name a few). Confidence is vital, in and out of the bedroom. I think there are a lot of reasons we as women need to learn to be confident. It matters, to ourselves, to our husbands and I believe to God. I’ll share why, and exactly what I think you can do to be more confident.

You’ll Discover:

  • Why I was wrong about confidence.
  • Why it’s so hard to be confident in marital intimacy (harder than sex outside of marriage!)
  • How to become more confident in your sexuality
    • Spiritual confidence
    • Body confidence
    • Knowledge confidence
  • Why being a confident woman is so important to God.

Your Body is God's Masterpiece (2)

Scripture/Quote:

  • Romans 12:2
    • Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.
  • Psalms 139
    • all about God’s opinion of us, worth memorizing the sections that speak to you!
  • Proverbs 31:10 (different than the typical translation, “woman of valor”)
    • A woman of valour who can find? For her price is far above rubies.
  • Proverbs 31:25
    • She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

Confidence Is A Discipline

Resources:

  • So Long Insecurity Beth Moore’s book that gives great insights and practical how-tos to become more confident in life
  • Why We Get Fat has really changed the way I see my eating habits and given me scientific understandings that have allowed me to change my food habits which has given me quite a lot more confidence.

Transcript: (see below)

Thanks for listening! I hope you are encouraged to live in wholehearted intimacy!

 

Love,

Belah

—

 

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Transcript: (basically)

  • Confidence is vital
    • confidence is the difference between going for something AND just staying put
    • confidence is the difference in sharing a vulnerable feeling AND hiding then bottling it
    • confidence is the difference between being willing to try a new skill or way of thinking AND sticking to your opinion or current ways of being regardless of how negative or destructive
    • now a bit more saucy…
    • confidence is the difference between giving that flirtatious, inviting glance AND walking the other direction
    • confidence is the difference between delighting your husband with a visual feast AND remaining quiet with the lights off under the covers
    • confidence is the difference between seducing your husband with a sensuous dance in racy lingerie AND waiting for him to make a move
  • truthfully I can relate to all of these on both sides
  • Growing up, I thought I knew a lot about confidence
    • I was the girl that would get on the tallest horse we had
    • I would lead the afterschool prayer meeting
    • I was the worship leader for my youthgroup
    • I was the one who wanted to be a doctor, then lawyer, then healer of a broken world
    • I was the one who aspired to do great things in corporate world
    • I was the one who gave speeches
  • I was wrong about confidence
    • I thought confidence was relying on yourself or your own capabilities
    • I did
    • I heartily believed in myself, to a fault
      • I have made major mistakes due to my confident proclivities
  • I still don’t think I know all I need to know about confidence but I believe I’ve discovered quite a bit more than I did and I’d like to share it
  • There’s confidence in the bedroom and there’s confidence out of it
    • movies would have us believe that the two are incredibly different
      • you can be insecure and clumsy in the living room but once you enter the sexual space you are a fierce sex kitten
      • that may be true for some but I have a different opinion
    • Confidence is not what you see in the movies or x-rated films.
      • a woman can pretend in front of a camera
      • a woman can fake it temporarily
      • a woman can even put on selff-assuredness for a while
    • But the female heart can not sustain a life of pretense
      • not in a lifelong relationship ie marriage
    • The truth shows up
      • whether we want it to or not, our inner selves leak out
        • this may look like
          • the woman who, after marriage, essentially swears off sex because she’s tired of pretending
            • the truth is she can get to a place where the confidence is well-founded and where she enjoys feeling free and relaxed in being herself in bed
          • or the woman who never initiates and just waits until her husband finishes, never venturing into discovering her own pleasure in the experience
            • the truth is he craves for her to want the experience. And she can delight in the exchange just as fully
          • or in my case, the woman who struggles to hide her eating (or another destructive behavior) because she’s sure her husband would find her repulsive
            • the truth is he knows and can sense more than you realize and probably already has a hunch. but more importantly he’s waiting with open-arms to accept you and love you through it
    • One thing I love about making love, in marriage,
      • is that it’s an opportunity for us to become a better person.
    • to the unmarried..
      • confidence is just a game of hiding what doesn’t make us look good
      • it’s all an act, all a facade, it’s just skin-deep
      • that’s why casual hookups are so popular
        • it’s all fake
        • no one brings who they really are
          • their bad habits, their selfishness, their struggles
        • no
        • they just engage in a fantasy, until slowly the the truth surfaces (many don’t even wait for that) and they move onto the next fantasy
        • but in reality this cycle is puruit of a fairyland, disassociates that person farther and farther away from understanding true confidence and deep security
    • but to the wife, confidence is a woman who…
      • 1-understands and draws her value from her Creator, God
      • 2-discovers and practices what makes her feel good in her heart & body
      • 3-comprehends and supports what makes her husband feel good in body and heart
    • Sex makes us better women?
      • Rough morning.
        • My husband had to wake up early to go work. He usually works in the evenings so this was my turn to wake up with the kids at 7am. I was a ridiculous mess. Did I change, clothe and feed my precious toddlers? I hope so. It’s all a foggy blur. I think we ate grilled cheese sandwiches for breakfast. It had been a string of less than productive days and I could tell my attitude was becoming more negative. Then cartoons while I tried not to snooze on the couch, though I probably wasn’t trying too hard since I went and got a pillow and blanket from my bed. This went on for a few hours til a dear friend asked if we’d go on a play date. We did and she and my son had a marvelous time playing in the snow, at the coffee shop then at the library. It was an eventful morning. I had the space to share my heart with this friend. And though it didn’t “fix” any of my woes, I felt heard, understood and less alone. Then we went home, and I put my boys down for naps. My sister called and we talked about lots of different things till the subject moved to future plans and goals. I lit up like a Christmas tree. Suddenly, I was talking about ideas I’ve had for a while but I’ve not expressed. I felt great when I hung up. Our conversation had reminded me of some reading I did in college and I decided to crack open one of my philosophy books I had kept. Now armed with new enlightened ways of thinking I realized I had just enough time for a shower. After drying off I heard the key in the lock and was elated to see my hubby come through the door. What started with playful kisses turned into passion.  From there we had a wonderful time together. It had been a while since I’d felt so free and fierce and had so much fun.
        • Why did this subpar day turn into a delightful passion-ful Bedroom Confidence? Because I felt great. And it was easy to share my excitement and enthusiasm with my hubby.
        • Things got better in my life, and that made me more confident in the sack.
      • The reason sex makes us better people is because the woman who feels good about herself wants to make love. But women are sensitive, intuitive, astute, careful beings who do not effortlessly feel good. I think it takes effort for women to feel good about themselves. It isn’t quickly or naturally achieved. I believe God may use her sensitive nature to bring she and her husband into alignment. A women is not pleased when things in her life aren’t happening in a way that she desires. She doesn’t feel good if she doesn’t feel healthy or vital in her body.
      • Sure we’ve all heard jokes about these peculiarities of women’s sexuality. But have we stopped berating ourselves for not being sexy/in the mood enough to understand why God made us this way
      • A man sees something to get turned on, a woman needs to feel good about herself to get turned on
      • Sex is such a fundamental part of a man’s well-being and yet women so often feel incapable of meeting those desires because of their confidence
  • Why I wanted to talk about this:
    • I wanted to talk about confidence because it underlies everything that happens in sexual intimacy with your spouse.
      • and is often at the heart of a woman’s resistance to making love with her husband.
    • And the difference between a woman feeling confident in bed and her not feeling confident is night and day. When she can be herself and express herself sensually, she feels amazing to both her husband and herself.
    • Bedroom Confidence is vital to a fulfilling sex life. If you are not confident you aren’t allowing yourself to be fully known, fully expressed.
    • Confidence lets you go for it. While insecurity holds you back. Insecurities rob you of pleasure and passion.
    • You don’t have anything to gain w insecurity
      • but you have much to lose, so much
      • your calling
      • a passionate, fulfilling marriage
      • your peace
    • Confidence is a discipline. It requires work and it requires effort. Some of us have less work to do because of our upbringing or our natural personalities. But we can all grow in confidence. “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”
    • Understand it’s God’s plan for them to have confidence in the bedroom
  • A woman confident in her love making is a woman who
    • understands her value,
    • has discovered her sexual cues,
    • has comprehended her husband’s manhood, and
    • delights in the pleasure she is giving and receiving.
  • What confidence is in marriage
    • It’s harder to be confident when you’re married. He knows you. All of you. Nothing to hide. It’s good if you lean into it. It’s paralyzing if you refuse.
    • Sex makes us better women
  • No you cannot go back and change what has happened to you or why you think and feel the way you do… but as adults we have to take responsibility of your own healing.
    • -Knowing what God thinks of you
    • -Knowing who you are and what makes you feel good a) in your heart b) in your body
    • -Knowing who your husband is and what makes him feel good a) in his heart b) in his body
    • You are worthy of adoration. You are not gross. You are a beloved child of the most high. You deserve to be adored because the Master crafted you. If you could only know how
  • How to work with your husband on growing your confidence
    • Can’t rely on men for your sense of value. Men are infinitely more attracted to a secure woman than an emotional wreck.
    • You’re a team. If you aren’t feeling good about yourself work with your husband to get to feeling that way.
    • Embracing who she is is strength. Embracing her desires and feelings is confidence
    • Stop giving other people the power only God should wield over us.
    • Beleiving that she is enough
  • How do we get to be more confident?
    • I think confidence is vital to a fulfilling sex life
    • it affects everything but it also is affected by quite a lot
    • and of course there are different areas of confidence
      • 1- spiritual confidence
        • Why does God want you to be confident? A short Bible lesson on confidence
          • Insecurities is masked unbelief
            • not believing God really is your daddy
            • not believing you are His masterpiece
            • not believing you have a purpose that far outweighs the view in the mirror or the roll on your jeans or the lack of curves you wish were there
            • not believing God cares far more about your heart than anything else
          • “a virtuous woman who can find?”—is best translated, “a woman of valor
            • valor: great courage in the face of danger, especially in battle.
            • synonyms: bravery, courage, nerve, daring, fearlessness, audacity, boldness,dauntlessness, stout-heartedness, heroism, backbone, spirit; true grit, spunk; moxie
          • Strength and dignity are her clothing; and she laugheth at the time to come. Prov 31:25
            • strength and dignity
            • Comparison is not strength. Picking out and focusing on your faults is not dignity.
              • instead it robs you of focus, of energy of courage to do what God wants you to do
          • Solomon’s wife had Bedroom Confidence
            • you’ll notice when you go back to the Song of Solomon the wife is generally the one pursuing her husband sexually… check it out, she’s got some kind of Bedroom Confidence!
          • Godly affirmations:
            • Studies show that we make an argument supporting our own statement. So state scriptural truths about yourself.
            • I am a holy, clean, precious child of God.
            • I am valued above every other creation.
            • I was designed with care and mastery.
            • My features are beautiful and cherish-worthy.
            • I am desirable to my husband.
            • My body is God’s masterpiece
            • I am beautiful, sexy and sensuous
            • I love my husband’s touch
            • If you’re a little queasy on what affirmations to say, fine just use Psalms 139
        • this is vital
        • I think a lot of Christians misunderstand sex and have taught it in a way that hasn’t been helpful
        • if you don’t understand God’s view of your marriage bed, you are bound to feel insecure in the midst
          • that being said, because not enough Christians are talking about sex, there’s not a lot of guidance on what is biblically ok and what is not
            • and God has boundaries in the Bible, very clearly laid out
              • and I know Christians who are sexual outside of those and they’re bound to have issues
            • the good news is there’s a whole lot of room within the boundaries God gives for us to have a lot of intimate fun with our spouse
          • the problem is if you don’t know what God says about it, you might be nervous that you’re on the wrong side, even when you’re not
      • 2- body confidence
        • how you feel about your body
        • and there are lots of things you can do to feel better about your body
          • treat your body well in your mind
          • stop looking at your reflection
          • say affirmations that describe a good, beautiful, sexy, desirable body
          • treat your body well in your actions
            • we all know exercising is good for us, but instead of exercising to lose weight (turns out it actually doesn’t do as much for weightloss as many think), exercise to make you feel better in your own skin
            • stop treating your body like it’s a garbage can
      • 3- knowledge confidence
        • a- understanding yourself- heart & body
          • what turns you on
          • what do you like in love making
          • how does your body respond to certain thoughts, words, and carresses
        • b- understanding your husband – heart & body
          • getting good, solid scientific guidance on how his body works
          • and just as importantly, understanding how his mind works in regards to sex
            • men see sex very differently than women
            • it’s been said many times on my podcast
              • men love through sex;
                • and if you don’t see his advances as loving that’s the first problem
        • c- understanding how to do bedroom activities
          • I was lost in this for a long time
          • most of us learned sex the wrong way
            • not through kind, secure parents
            • but through x-rated material
            • and I’ll talk about next the spiritual implications that has
          • but if you’re not fully comfortable in understanding the how-tos of certain sexual activities you’re not going to feel confident
  • 4-So your video course is about oral sex, why did you focus it on that part of intimacy? (copy)
    • because it’s hard to talk about
    • because studies show husbands want that even more than intercourse
    • because no other Christian resource goes into it in depth
    • because once you become confident in pleasing your husband through oral sex, you will have all the know-how and mindset needed to enjoy every other aspect of intimacy
    • because when I’m really tired, or sick, or on my period, I’m SO grateful there’s a way to connect with my hubby without exerting the effort making love can take
  • 5-Your course is called Delight Your Husband, have you had women ask you why it’s all about serving her husband? Why don’t you offer help to men in serving their wives? (copy)
    • -Yes. I think there are two ways to look at it that are helpful.
      • 1-We as wives only have control over ourselves. We can only be proactive and find out what we can change in our marriage.
        • in fact when I spend my time and energy learning about all the ways my husband COULD be serving me but isn’t, it takes me farther away from him. More angry, more resentful…and it doesn’t fix anything, because–if there’s anything I’ve learned in marriage, it’s that I can’t change him.
        • so it’s really that we only can control us. we can only change us.
        • and isn’t it God’s way, that He teaches me to love, first.
          • Jesus is the best example. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
          • So if He can take the first step and die for you when you were still a sinner
          • Can’t you take the first step towards your husband, towards the man who married,
          • who you pledged to love til death do us part?
      • 2-When you understand your husband, YOU feel better in sex. You can enjoy it confidently because you know what’s going on in his mind and body.
        • you know how he works, and you know how to work him
        • and I’m telling you what ladies, it’s a heck of a lot more fun when you know you know how to make him crazy…that’s a powerful feeling

Transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah. Rose.

0:18
Hi there, and welcome. Thank you for joining today, I am excited about this topic, we’re talking about how to gain confidence in the bedroom. And from here on out, I’m going to refer to it often as bedroom confidence because that’s really a huge, huge part of intimacy. And marriage is having the ability to be confident in yourself, and who you are in your sexuality and the way God sees it. I mean, it’s just all together, we’ve got a lot to go into. So I don’t want to take up time talking now. But I do I do want to cover some just general things, what confidence is not how I misunderstood it for quite a while, what confidence is in marriage and the challenges we need to maybe the hurdles, we need to cross and get over as wives to be confident in the bedroom. Why it’s important, why it matters to God. And then I want to talk about how we can be more confident and very practical steps to take. And then I want to direct you to some resources that I believe will be really helpful in moving you towards greater confidence. So let’s go ahead and dive in.

1:48
Confidence is the difference. Confidence is vital. Confidence is the difference between going for something. And just staying put. Confidence is the difference in sharing a vulnerable feeling. And hiding than bottling it. Confidence is a difference between being willing to try a new skill or way of thinking and sticking to your opinion or current ways of being regardless of how negative or destructive now to be a bit more saucy confidence is the difference between giving that flirtatious inviting glance, and walking in the other direction. Confidence is the difference between delighting your husband with a visual feast and remaining quiet with the lights off under the covers. Confidence is the difference between seducing your husband with a sensuous dance and in some racy lingerie and waiting for him to make the first move. So truthfully, I can relate to each side of this spectrum. And confidence. We’re gonna be talking a lot about it today, because I think it’s so very, very important. I’m going to tell you why in a little bit. But growing up, I thought I knew a lot about confidence. See, I was the girl that would go on the tallest horse we had my mom would often make me give the horse shots because she knew I could do it. I was only like eight or 10 or whatever. But she was like, Well, you know, Bella is not scared. So she would give me the the syringe to go give to the horse. But those kinds of things, you know, I would, I was a Christian growing up and I lead after school prayer meetings, you know, even in a public school where where prayer wasn’t ever talked about. And, you know, I was a worship leader for my youth group. And I wanted to be a doctor and then a lawyer and then, you know, the healer of a broken world. That was kind of my vision for my life. And then I aspired to do really great things and climb the corporate ladder all the way to the tippy top. And I gave speeches to big crowds and I just thought I had my finger on confidence. But the truth is, I was wrong about a lot of confidence. I thought confidence was relying on yourself or your own capabilities. And I heartily believed in myself to a fault. I’ve made major mistakes in my life due to my confident proclivities. So I still don’t think I know all I need to know about confidence, but I’ve discovered quite a bit more than I did. And I’d like to share it.

4:38
Now, I also think that there’s confidence in the bedroom and there’s confidence out of the bedroom. So movies would have us believe that the two are incredibly different. You can be insecure and clumsy in the living room. But once you enter that sexual space, you are a fierce Sex Kitten. And I guess that could be true for some Some people, but in my opinion, it’s just not even possible. I think confidence outside of the bedroom translates into confidence inside the bedroom. And I think vice versa. I think when you have that deep, true feeling of confidence, that, again, is not just from feeling that you’re worthy, and you’re enough, that’s part of it, we’re going to talk about that more. But there’s more to it than that. But when you have that deep seated feeling, it translates into your bedroom, and, and it also translates outside of your bedroom. So obviously, all the confidence stuff that I talked about when I was a kid, was before I was ever sexually active. And so when I began to understand sexuality, and how that is not what I thought it was, kind of is became something very different. So I’m going to go into that, like confidence is not what you see in the movies or X rated films, a woman can pretend in front of a camera. That’s her job, isn’t it? A woman can fake it temporarily. And obviously, we’ve probably all been in situations where we’ve just pretended to be sexually confident and that kind of thing. And a woman can even pretend to be self assured, for a while. But I really don’t think the female heart can sustain a life of pretense, not in a lifelong relationship, ie marriage. Because the truth shows up, whether you want it to or not our inner selves leak out. So this may look like the woman who after marriage essentially swears off sex, because she’s tired of pretending. The truth is, she can get to a place where the confidence is well founded, and where she enjoys feeling free and relaxed, and being herself in bed. Or the woman who never initiates and just waits until her husband finishes never venturing into discovering her own pleasure in the experience. But the truth is, he craves for her to want the experience. And she can delight in the exchange just as fully. Or in my case, the woman who struggles to hide her eating or any other destructive behavior, because she’s sure her husband would find her repulsive. And the truth is, he knows and consents more than you realize, and probably already has a hunch. But more importantly, he’s waiting with open arms to accept you and love you through it. So, one thing I love about lovemaking is that it’s an opportunity for us to become a better person. So to the unmarried woman, confidence is just a game of hiding what doesn’t make her look good. It’s all an act. It’s all a facade. It’s just skin deep. That’s why casual hookups are so popular. It’s all fake. No one brings who they really are their bad habits, their selfishness, their struggles. No, no, they just engage in a fantasy until slowly the truth surfaces, and then you don’t even wait for that. They just move on to the next fantasy. That’s why pornography is so popular. It’s all fake. But in reality, this cycle is a pursuit of a fairy land. It does associates that person farther and farther away from understanding True Confidence and deep security.

8:43
So to the wife, confidence, is a woman who understands and draws her value from her Creator God to discovers and practices, what makes her feel good in her heart, and body. And three, comprehends and supports what makes her husband feel good in body and heart. So, I said earlier that sex has the opportunity to make us better women. I’m going to tell you a story that I’ve been working on this podcast the show for actually, like, I don’t know, five, six months, it’s just been in my head rolling around. And I’ve taken notes as I’ve learned things and thought through things and read things and so many this is a story I wrote probably five, six months ago. It was during the winter. So anyway, I’m just gonna read it to you and talk through what I feel like I’ve learned. So I had a rough morning. My husband had to wake up early to go to work. He usually works in the evenings. So this was my turn to wake up with the kids at 7am. And I was a ridiculous mess. I I did I changed, clothe and feed my precious toddlers. I hope so. It’s really all a foggy blur. I think we ate grilled cheese sandwiches for breakfast and we may have beaten that for lunch. It had been a string of less than productive days, and I could tell my attitude was becoming more and more negative. Then cartoons while I tried not to snooze on the couch, though I probably wasn’t trying too hard since I went and got a pillow and blanket from my bed. So this went on for a few hours till a dear friend asked if we’d like to go on a playdate. We did and she and my son had a marvelous time playing in the snow. Then we went to the coffee shop, then to the library. It was an eventful morning, I had the space to share my heart with his friend. And though it didn’t fix any of my woes, I felt heard, understood and less alone. Then we went home, I put the boys down for naps, and my sister called and we talked about a lot of different things until the subject moved to future plans and goals. I lit up like a Christmas tree. Suddenly, I was talking about ideas that I’ve had for a while, but I’ve not really expressed, I felt great when we hung up, our conversation reminded me of some reading that I had done in college. And for those of you who have listened to the podcast for a while, you might know that I took did philosophy major in college, and so I decided to go and crack open one of my philosophy books that I had kept. And now armed with new enlightened AI ways of thinking, I realized I had just enough time for shower. After drying off, I heard the key in the lock, and was elated to see my hubby come through the door. What started as playful kisses turned into passion. And from there, we had a wonderful time together. It had been a while since I’d felt so free and fierce and have so much fun. So why did my subpar day turn into a delightful passion full bedroom confidence? Because I felt great. And it was easy to share my excitement and enthusiasm with my hubby. So when things get better in our lives, it makes us more confident in the sack. I mean, that’s kind of what this story to me illustrates. And this, again is real life it really happened. So the reason I think sex makes us better women is because the woman who feels good about herself wants to make love. We learned that from Joyce pinner if you want to go back and listen to her episodes are incredibly insightful, but just search for Joyce Penner. But anyway, women are sensitive. We’re intuitive wear suit. We’re careful beings who do not effortlessly feel good. I think it takes effort for women to feel good about themselves. It isn’t quick, and it’s often not even natural. I believe God made us as women very sensitive to bring she and her husband into alignment. A woman is not pleased with things in her life. When they’re not happening in the way she desires. She doesn’t feel good if she doesn’t feel healthy or vital in her body. Sure, we’ve all heard jokes about these perky peculiarities of women’s sexuality. But have we stopped berating ourselves for not being sexy or in the mood enough to understand? Why did God make us this way? See, a man sees something and gets turned on. But a woman needs to feel good about herself to get turned on.

13:43
And we all know sex is a very fundamental part of our husband’s well being. Yet women so often feeling capable of meeting those desires because of their confidence. So why did I want to talk about confidence I wanted to talk about confidence day because it underlies everything that happens in sexual intimacy with your spouse, and it is often at the heart of a woman’s resistance to making love with her husband. The difference between a woman who feeling confidence in bed and her not feeling confident is night and day as we talked about from the beginning. And when she can be herself and express herself sexually. She feels amazing. To both herself and to her husband. Bedroom confidence is vital to fulfilling sex life. If you are not confident you aren’t allowing yourself to be fully known, fully expressed. Confidence lets you go for it. Well insecurity holds you back. Insecurities rob you of pleasure and passion. You don’t have anything to gain with insecurity. But you have much to lose so much. You’re calling what God wants you to do on this earth. can be robbed by insecurity. You’re passionate, fulfilling life giving supportive marriage can be derailed, because of insecurity, your peace, you’re feeling that life is going well can be robbed by insecurity. Confidence is a discipline, it requires work, and it requires effort. And some of us have less work to do because of our upbringing or natural personalities. But we all can grow in confidence, doesn’t it? Say Romans 12 Be transformed by the renewing of your mind. It’s all about renewing your mind. So let’s understand that it is God’s plan for us to have confidence in the bedroom. Because a woman confident in lovemaking is a woman who understands her value, has discovered her sexual cues, has complement, comprehended her husband’s manhood, and delights in the pleasure she’s giving and receiving. Now, I mentioned it just as a moment before, but to reiterate, it is harder to be confident when you’re married. Because your husband knows you. He knows all of you, nothing to hide. And it’s good if you lean into that. And it’s paralyzing. If you don’t, does that make sense? Your husband knows all of you. So it’s, it’s so much easier when you can put yourself together and, and put on your nice clothes and your makeup and all this and present yourself. All put together to the world. It’s easier, isn’t it? But you know, you and I both know your husband sees it all. It all hangs out with him. Literally, you’re naked with your husband, in every sense of the world, the word he knows you all, so it’s harder to be confident. How do we get to be more confident? I said it. But it really is vital to your fulfilling sex life. It affects everything but it also is affected by quite a lot. And of course, there are areas of confidence I want to specifically go into to talk about how to become more confident. So the first area I want to go into his spiritual confidence. Second area is body confidence. And third area is knowledge, confidence. I think these are vital to your bedroom confidence. Now, why does God want you to be confident? Let’s have a very short Bible lesson on confidence. I love a book by Beth Moore I’ll have it linked up in the show notes called insecurities no more or so long. That’s what is so long insecurities. Anyway, it’s a great book if anyone is a reader or likes audiobooks like me. It’s a great one to to listen to. But she really helped me to understand that insecurities are really masked unbelief. It’s not believing that God is really your daddy, not believing that you are his masterpiece, not believing that you have a purpose that far outweighs the view in the mirror, or the role on your genes or the lack of curves you wish were there. Insecurity is not believing that God cares far more about your heart than anything else.

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So most of us know Psalms or proverbs 31. Right the first line, a virtuous woman who can find, but it’s cool because it’s best translated as a woman of valor, a woman of valor. Who can find now I don’t know if you use the term valor very often in your day to day life. I don’t so I looked it up to make sure I really understood what this means. great courage in the face of danger, especially in battle. Here are some synonyms bravery, courage, nerve daring, fearlessness, Audacity, boldness. Don’t listen this stout heartedness, heroism, backbone spirit, True Grit, spunk, Moxie. So that is valor. A Woman of Valor who can find later in the same chapter, it says in verse 25, strength and dignity are her clothing. And she laughed at the face or at the time to come. strength and dignity, compassion is not strength, picking out and focusing on your faults is not dignity. Instead, it robs your focus. It robs you of energy. It robs you of the courage to do what God wants you to do. And if you’re wondering how does this translate into the bedroom, or if it does, check out the Song of Solomon, it’s a very short book. But you’ll notice that the wife is generally the one who’s pursuing her husband sexually, she says a lot more in that book than he does. I mean, she’s got she’s an awesome role model of bedroom confidence. So how do we gain in confidence, the kind of confidence that God wants us to have? Who’s a woman of valor of great courage in the face of danger? And I know, you might say, Oh, come on, we’re not actually in danger when we’re making love to her husband. But Darn it, doesn’t it feel like it? Sometimes we will, I have had times where I’m in this skimpy little dress, and I’m around the corner, and all I have to do is walk into the other room and look at my husband, and he’ll know what I’m thinking. And there have been times where I have just changed before I even got there. It feels like danger. It feels like your life is at risk. But that’s not who we’re supposed to be. It’s not. It’s not we are supposed to be a woman of valor. Okay, so what can you do? What can you do to get to that place? Well, studies show that we make arguments supporting our own statements, I guess, is the best way to say it. So it’s almost like, if you say, I’m no good, all of a sudden, your mind runs around to figure out all the ways you’re not good. But if you say I am a holy, clean, precious child of God, suddenly your mind is trying to support that. It’s like, yeah, that first says that. I heard that sermon there. It makes sense here. I am precious because God does X, Y, and Z every day for me. I mean, if we start to make affirmations, and literally out loud, if your mind is full of all this negative self talk, and most of ours are, because that’s what the enemy wants us to believe. We have to stand up and say it and interrupt all of those negative thoughts and say, I am a holy, clean, precious child of God. Here’s another one, feel free to rewind this and write these down. This is what I did. I think some of these might have even came from Beth Moore’s book. But

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I am valued above every other creation. I was designed with care and mastery. My features are beautiful, and cherish worthy. I am desirable to my husband. My body is God’s masterpiece. I am beautiful, sexy, and sensuous. I love my husband’s touch. Now, if you’re a little queasy about affirmations, if it just seems like it’s not scriptural enough for you, fine. Do Do what makes you more happy about that. That’s totally fine. I think that if you give God the glory for it, it’s okay. But go ahead, you could go to Psalms 139. Read through that chapter. Memorize that stuff, pull out those verses, you know that God thinks of you more than the sand on the seashore and that he knit you together in your mother’s womb, and he knows the hairs on your head and you are fearfully and wonderfully made? Memorize that stuff. Get it in your heart, say it out loud. This is vital. I think a lot of Christians misunderstand sex, and have been taught in a way that hasn’t been helpful. Right? So that was the first part of the spiritual spectrum. The second part of the spiritual spectrum is really understanding sex is holy, and good in God’s boundaries. And so if you’re a little unsure of God’s boundaries, what he says is okay with sex and what he says is not okay with sex, you probably have this big question mark of like, am I crossing line? Am I’m not? Am I doing something wrong? Am I not? And so if you don’t have that scriptural understanding, and I’m going to tell you about some resources to give you a better sense of very specific, these are the scriptures, this is exactly what it says this is what it says to do and what not to do. This is the freedom we’ve been given in marriage. But let me just say that if you don’t understand that, this is something you need to understand as a Christian as someone who’s following God, you need to know what’s okay. In terms of sex and what’s not okay, in terms of sex. Again, the problem is, if you don’t know that, you might be nervous that you’re on the wrong side of the line, even when you’re not So it’s important to understand these things. And like I said, I’m going to give you some resources to follow up with this in a minute. Okay, so that was spiritual conference. The next one is body confidence. And we talked about this a little bit with the affirmations. But how you feel about your body is so important. And there are a lot of things you can do to feel better about your body. Now, we talked about this again earlier, that it’s all about how a woman feels that makes her want to make love. It makes her what she how she feels about herself. So how do you feel good in your body? Now, this is a lot of self discovery. Have you taken the time to understand what you enjoy? What makes you smile? Now, that’s something I really disassociated with myself, as I became an adult, I just, I stopped having fun, I stopped playing, I started to you know, I started feeling like this is actually I, I’m just realizing now, but that was kind of a remnant from my first marriage when I just, it was so hard, it was so full of strife and anger. And, you know, I was, I constantly felt like I wasn’t good enough. And I all these things I had to strive for. And I stopped playing, I stopped having fun and enjoying life. And that’s not all what God wants. I don’t know if you’ve been around kids recently, but kids have fun. They just enjoy life, man. They just want to play and run around and be crazy. And God says, for us to be like little children. So figure out how you feel good. And then figure out how it feels good in your body. So there’s lots of things you can do to feel better about your body. And number one, it goes along with what we’re talking about. But treat your body well in your mind. Be kind to yourself.

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Be be aware of how you have unique, wonderful qualities. Stop comparing yourself to others. Stop looking at the magazines, stop looking at those models, the pictures that are all over the place, stop thinking in your head. Oh, man, she’s got no cellulite. Well, I you know, wish I had that. That’s not good. It says in the Bible, those who compare themselves by themselves are not wise, it’s not good to do that. Another thing is to just stop looking at your reflection. You know, just about every time we look in our reflections, we end that, like, we’re we’re looking at ourselves, but in our mind, we’re judging ourselves. Do I look good today? Do I look healthy and happy and all these things? Or do I look fat? Do I look ugly? Do I have wrinkles? Do I have saggy skin? Is there a roll over my jeans? I mean, honestly, why put yourself through that you probably weren’t thinking about 18 Other really wonderful things. And all of a sudden your whole attitude is arrested. Because you start considering how other people are viewing you in the mirror. It’s just awful. And I think it needs to temper that like figure out how you work and, and how to stop that. One thing I’ve been doing is slowly removing mirrors from my apartment I I used to have mirrors all over the place. It’s crazy. But and in a lot of ways, I think they’re pretty and often they have really pretty, you know, borders and stuff. And I like that I actually have a number of mirrors for my grandma that she passed down to me. So I really didn’t want to get rid of them. So I was really at a place of not knowing what to do with them. And I was talking to an artist friend of mine, and she has offered to paint my mirrors. And I’m so excited. So I’m just like brainstorming what Scriptures I want because I I really love having text around me I like inspirational quotes. And I don’t have it enough in my house. And so, apartment I don’t have asked but, um, so yeah, so that’s what she’s doing. So I’m really excited about that. I’m going to get some scriptures in my mirrors so I can stop thinking about how I look like and start thinking about the inner beauty that I’m cultivating for Jesus. Okay, the other thing again, say affirmations that describe how good and beautiful and sexy and desirable your body is. Pray it man, pray and pray in faith. Faith is vital. You can’t just have these wimpy weak prayers and expect you know all your complaining. Sure, complaining is fine in prayer too. I do that plenty. But eventually you need to get to a place where your prayers are faith filled that you’re like God, thank you for making me have such an amazing body that you created me with such amazing curves that my husband delights and and thank you that I respond so well to his touch. And thank you that the way you’re cultivating our passion for each other is just growing every day. And I mean literally I have those prayers with God all the time. Because I want it to go better. I want to have that faith for IT to improve and God honors that I can tell you in my own life he is that. And then of course, treat your body well with your actions. We all know that exercising is good for us. But I want to challenge you to not have the goal of losing weight anymore with your exercising, change that goal, the goal is to make yourself feel good, feel vital to release all those endorphins, all that other stuff. In fact, it turns out between you and me, I’ve read some recent scientific studies. There’s a book called Why We get fat, I really love that book if you’re interested. But anyway, basically, exercising doesn’t really make you lose weight, and basically just puts you in a mind frame of eating better, which is kind of funny. So I exercise every day, but it makes me feel good. It makes me feel good. And that’s why I do it. So I encourage you do it, because it’s going to add to your sex life, it’s going to make you feel more sexy and confidence because those endorphins, because it’s a chemical release, because you feel confident. It’s just God designed our bodies to move. And that’s helpful. Okay. The other thing that I have had to really change is to stop treating my body like it’s a garbage can. I don’t know if you can relate. But sometimes, I’m clearing the table, you know, I’ve got two kids, and they leave all this extra stuff that they haven’t eaten in them, like, oh, I can’t waste it and throw it away. I’ll just eat it. And I had no intention of eating that stuff. I was fine. I wasn’t even hungry. And you know what? I just think we need to stop this, this notion that we’re saving people in other countries by eating every last scrap of food on our plate. No, if you want to help save people in other countries, you need to start doing something to help save people in other countries don’t start treating yourself as a garbage can. You’re not helping people in other countries. Alright, that’s just a side note.

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Okay, so we talked about body confidence. We talked about spiritual confidence, let’s talk about knowledge, confidence. Um, so I think there’s three things I think we need to understand in this realm. Understanding yourself, understanding your husband and understanding how to do certain things. So the first one, understand yourself, your heart, your body. Now, this is a journey. This is something we talk about a lot in this podcast, but finding out what turns you on. Understanding what you like to do in love making what you like about love making what you like about your husband’s body that that makes you get into the mood, even what actions help you get into the mood. Soon, we’re going to be talking about how to initiate on the podcast that’s coming up, I think next week, so tune in again for that. But how does your body respond to certain thoughts, words, caresses, really start to understand that. And so this is understanding your heart and your body. So physical responses, understanding all the aspects of your wonderful vulva, all the aspects of the clitoris, and all the wonderful things that God designed to be good and pleasurable for you. So that’s the first one understanding yourself. The second one is understanding your husband, his heart, his body, getting good scientific, solid guidance on how his body works. And just as importantly, understanding how his mind works in regards to sex. So men see sex very differently than women. It’s been said many times in my podcast, but basically men love through sex. If you don’t see his advances as loving, that’s the first problem. You need to understand what his mind is happening to him as he sees sex as he sees your body. What’s going on in his mind, his heart, and physically what’s going on? How many erections does your husband have a day? Do you know? I do. I’ll let you know how to know. But how many erections Do you have a day? I’ll tell you just right now. It’s 1111 erections a day, for reasons why he has erections. Okay? That’s an average, by the way, average studies, blah, blah, blah. But I bet if you told you ask your husband about it, he he’d help you understand it better. But there’s four different reasons men even have erections. And the basic understanding is that it’s healthy for them, that their body, their flaccid penis doesn’t have any blood going through it. And every part of our body has blood going through cleaning things out, giving things oxygen, and the nutrients it requires. Constantly that’s happening in your body. But when the penis is flat, there’s no blood going through it. And so your husband needs erections to stay healthy. Every time he gets an erection. He wants to use it. So that’s an encouragement. That’s why sex is so vital. And that’s why he’s on his mind all the time. It’s not just it. It’s not just the outside stuff. It’s actually his body doing Natural responses. So anyway, well, we’ll talk more about that soon. But again, having a solid understanding what’s pleasurable for him, what things kind of hurt when they’re not dealt with gently. There’s just so much understanding that’s really important, that’s going to give you confidence. Because if you think his mind is going in different directions, or why isn’t he getting hard, you know, that will make you so insecure. But if you understand that, things like stress inhibit his physical response, but because you know, the other ways of turning him on, you know, that if he can’t have a, it’s called a psychosomatic, I think it’s psychosomatic, I think I have to look at my book anyway, I think it’s called Psych is about it starts in the mind, if you can’t have that mind, erection, then he can have a reflexive erection. So that means it’s all about the touch, and you can go in that angle, and you don’t have to be insecure, you can still be confident. Okay. So that’s the knowledge piece that’s understanding your husband’s heart and body. And so then the last part of this knowledge, confidence is understanding how to do bedroom activities. I was lost for a long time, most of us learned sex basically the wrong way, maybe our parents were just insecure about teaching us all the different things they didn’t want us to explore too early. It’s not their fault. But that’s a lot of us, we just didn’t have a lot of understanding coming into marriage. So either we learned in marriage and you know, trial and error, or maybe we got some good Christian guidance and that kind of thing. Or we learned through the wrong kind of material. And and that’s probably unleashed a lot of guilt. A lot of misunderstandings is this, okay, in Christianity, is this okay with God.

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But if you’re not fully comfortable in your understandings of your how tos of certain sexual activities, you’re not going to feel confident. Right? So that was the thing that got me constantly was I couldn’t, I really didn’t know what was going on in his body. I didn’t know how he came to orgasm. And that caused a lot of insecurity for me. So one particular area, excuse me, is oral sex. And if you’ve listened to my podcast before, you know that I think that was a vital part of intimacy, not only because it’s a great thing for women to understand. But well, here’s the reasons I talked about oral sex, because it’s hard to talk about people in daily life, don’t talk about it. But we even feel embarrassed to talk to our girlfriends about it, don’t we? But I talk about it, because studies show that husbands for the most part, one oral sex even more than intercourse, some people say that’s because it’s this a wonderful aspect of intimacy, some people say because it really shows that she loves his member. And that’s a vital part of who he is. That’s his essence. It’s, it’s really who he is. Another reason I talked about is because no other Christian resource goes into oral sex in depth, I haven’t found one. And because once you become confident in pleasing your husband through oral sex, you will have all the know how and mindset needed to enjoy every other aspect of intimacy. And of course, now we’re moving into the resources I want to suggest to become more confident. But I want to say again, with oral sex is when I was really sick, I was on serious medication for months. Or when I’m really tired, or when I’m on my period, I’m just so grateful that there’s a way to connect with my hubby, without exerting the effort that making love can take it takes a lot of energy. I mean, for me, I’m not sure maybe some some others have some, some secrets, they can come on the podcast and share with me but oral sex has been an awesome opportunity to just connect with my husband the way he needs to feel loved, even when I’m tired. And I and I really can’t engage more than a little bit. And the other thing is, it’s interesting, you know, my husband serves me all day long. Like he just he’s amazing with the kids. He’s amazing with his work, he just is so wonderful. A wonderful man, I I just got a new job for those of you that don’t know, and, and they were asking me security questions. And one of the security questions was like for password reset, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, one of the questions was who you admire most, and the first person that came to mind and the only person I could even write down was my husband’s name.

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Because he I just admire him like crazy. He’s an amazing man.

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Of course, he has his faults. So do we all but he is Yeah, the one I admired most anyway. Um, so he serves me all day long. He’s this incredible person. We are we practically have competitions of who can love each other better. It’s, I feel supported and encouraged and loved and all this. And really, I serve Him, you know, half hour, maybe an hour in the bedroom and, and it supplies all this energy for him to be who he needs to be. So I don’t know about you. But sex to me, is a vital part of intimacy, I feel connected to him. And all these other way, there’s so many good things about sex, but I don’t see sex the same way my husband does. I can’t, I just don’t. And so if I can understand how he sees it, and meet him in that place, the way he desires, oh, my gosh, you know, it has made for an amazing aspect to our marriage. So again, that’s why, you know, I talk about oral sex, not only my book, it’s called to let your husband or now I’ve worked really, really hard to get this video course up and running. I’ve had many women go through it before. And they’ve loved it. I’ve had some really amazing feedback from the women that have gone through it. So yes, but but again, God has supplied me with a job now. So I don’t have to rely on delight your marriage quite so much for our financial stability of our family. So I have been able to bring the price from it used to be $247. And women went through this course and loved it, they’ve had really amazing feedback, I had one woman who was married 27 years, has grown children. And she said that she went through it through the course. And when her daughter gets married, she wants to buy the course for her daughter. And then as she went through the course, she reached out to me again and said, You know what, I would love to buy this course for a woman in need, because I really think it could change their life and really affect them. So I’m so grateful she ended up buying the course for someone in need. And, and that lady went through it and had really wonderful things to say. So like I said, they bought it for 247. And they found it incredibly valuable. I’ve had people say that’s worth every penny. But I’ve been able to like I said, God is just made away. So. So I’ve been able to now I’ve worked really hard, the course is going on sale again. Next Thursday. So you’ve got next Thursday, sorry, sorry, this Thursday, this Thursday. So you’ve got just a couple of days to be able to hit that pre sale price, which is only $37 It’s a video course it’s got all you know, if you’re, if it’s hard to find the time to read, if you’re anything like most people in the world, you can just have it on in the background, you can listen to it as you can, you can just go through it at your own pace, you don’t have to read you can just listen and and watch. There are some instructional videos, you can just again and we go through the biblical foundations of why sex is okay. Your own background, why you might be inhibited? What things you need to work through the specific questions, you can journal through that I really encourage the journaling aspect, it’s a course it’s really soup to nuts, how to get to a place of being fierce and confident in the bedroom. And then I talk about how to lost my train of thought was the next big part. Oh, how your husband thinks how he feels. The thing about your body? How do you feel turned on? And then lastly, I go into the very, very practical things of oral sex positions, techniques. All the things that you’d be embarrassed to ask anyone I go into it all I’ve got all the questions, all the barriers, what are you afraid of with oral sex? What do you do with his orgasm? What how it makes it feel I mean, we just go into it’s very comprehensive, but it’s also able you can get through it because, you know, I’ve tried to condense everything that you can. So again, it’s only $37 hit this presale as soon as you can, like I said, God has provided a way for us to be financially Okay, so we can offer this at a much cheaper price. I’m really grateful for that. But maybe this is the opportunity for you to move in your confidence. Like I said, if you don’t understand your husband, it’s time it’s time. And I think the last encouragement I guess women you know, ask me

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you know what? They’ll ask me, Why is it called to let your husband Why don’t you offer help for my husband to serve me in the bedroom? And and I think there’s two ways to look at this that are helpful. We as wives only have control over ourselves. We can only pray proactive and find out what we can change in our marriage. And in fact, when I spend time and energy learning about all the ways my husband could be serving me, but isn’t. It takes me farther away from him. I get angry and resentful. And it doesn’t fix anything. Because if there’s anything I’ve learned in marriage, again, it’s that I can’t change him. I can only change me. So it’s really about We can only control us we can only change us. And isn’t that God’s way that He teaches me to love first. And Jesus is the best example. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. So if he can take the first step and die for me, when I was still a sinner, can’t you take the first step to your husband, towards the man you married, that you pledged to love till death those as part. And the second way, I think that’s helpful to look at this as when you understand your husband, you feel better in sex, you can enjoy it confidently, because you know what’s going on in his mind and body you know, how he works, you know, what works in his mind, in his in his member all those things, and I’m telling you what, ladies, it’s a heck of a lot more fun, when you know how to make him crazy. That is a powerful thing, my dears, that is a powerful thing. Okay, so that is really, you know, a little plug in there for my resources but I love you all, you know that I’ve been working my tail off to get this this delight your marriage podcast to you every week for free, I give you wonderful content, wonderful stories, I try my best. And, you know, this is the only way that I make money from this podcast and, and you know, all the hosting all the all the different aspects of technical stuff. This is cost money, obviously. And then there’s, of course, also the other aspect of supporting my family. So I’ve tried my best to make this available for you to price that you can really grab a hold of, it’s going to be more expensive when it releases on Thursday, but not that much more like you’ll still be able to do it. But I just encourage you to get it now while you can. And it’s time to invest a time to get confident in your bedroom. So um, so yeah, that’s my that’s my encouragement to you is to be confident

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all right, Woman of Valor, daring, courageous, confident in the bedroom. I’m excited for you to use these tips and steps to really implement into your life into your heart into your mind and be confident in the bedroom. It’s huge. It’s going to make all the difference. God bless you. Thank you so much for listening. And you can go ahead and buy the presale just go to delight your marriage.com/presale if you’re listening to this in the future, that link is also going to be updated so you can get to the course. All right, well, again, I’m praying for you praying for your confidence that God would help you to be that woman of valor. Today this week, right now.

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Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion.

 

 

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