Podcast: Play in new window | Download

What Sex Means to a Husband

If you missed the first half of Jay’s interview, check out Episode 4 where he talks about his years of sexless marriage & how they worked through even a porn addiction. His advice is priceless!

So, we’re coming into the conversation where Jay is telling me about the role he played in turning his marriage around. Check out on iTunes!

Title: What Sex Means To A Husband

Guest: Jay Dee of Sex Within Marriage Part II

In This Episode, You’ll Discover:

  • Why women beat themselves up and how to move past this habit.
  • What a husband can do to help his wife encourage his wife.
  • What a wife can do to help her husband get out of porn.
  • Does your husband think you’re beautiful?
  • That we are loved the way we are by God and our husbands and that drives us to grow.
  • How much God cares about His temple and how He chose to live in us
  • How to feel comfortable in front of your husband.
  • Why a wife’s insecurity discourages intimacy for both parties.
  • Other ways to gain intimacy other than just having sex which helps your marriage thrive.
  • Why it’s worth it to stick it out even in the tough times.
  • How to build intimacy in all aspects of your marriage.
  • What sex means for men.
  • What does it really mean when a man wants sex, what he is really asking for.
  • What a man goes through a few days without sex.
  • The cycle for husbands & wives together.

Links Mentioned:

Book Recommendations:

Holy Bible, New King James Version (NKJV)

Pulling Back the Shades: Erotica, Intimacy, and the Longings of a Woman’s Heart

Tweetables:

“There is no ‘right’ thing if someone is insecure” avoid that downward spiral in your marriage. tweet this

A secure woman is a lot more sexy than an insecure woman. tweet this

A man feels sadder without sex, because he feels unloved in his marriage. Listen to his story. tweet this

A husband’s true translation: “I’m really horny” means: “I really miss you & I need to feel loved” tweet this

We should have sex for the marriage, it may be the right thing to do for your marriage. Listen to this husband’s story Episode 5. tweet this

Hear about the “holiness in horniness”! tweet this

transcript

0:00
to let your marriage Episode Five

0:03
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah. Rose.

0:21
Hi, this is belah. And I’m so glad that you’re joining me again today. I hope you’re doing well. And I am doing actually really well. We had our rest day yesterday. And for those of you that don’t know, our church actually really encouraged us to do this. And it’s really taking a day off a week and spending it with your family or your loved ones. And just kind of having no agenda, just really focusing on rest and relaxing, spending time with God and contemplating just getting a chance to kind of pause life and enjoy. So it’s been a really wonderful thing we’ve been doing, I guess, for maybe a year and a half now. And it’s just been an amazing part of our marriage and our lives together. So anyway, yesterday was that for us. And it was also our Valentine’s Day celebration since my husband was working on Valentine’s Day. But we had a great time, we got a sitter for our older boy. And we went downtown and caught a movie. I don’t know, I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve watched a movie in a theater. So we took the baby, but he was actually pretty good. He slept for most of it. And he woke up during part of it cried, so I put them on my chest, and then he fell asleep. So it was great. But anyway, so glad that you’re here, I want to jump into the rest of the interview. This is the second half of the interview with JD with sex within marriage. Now the first part of the interview, that’s episode four. So you can find that at delight your marriage.com. And he really talks about the sex lessness in his marriage, and the pornography addiction that really wreaked havoc on their relationship together for the first years of their married lives. So secondly, this interview is really focused on more about how women can get past the insecurities that they feel with their husband in the bedroom, and also how men feel about sex, what it does to a man’s emotions when he goes a certain amount of time without sex, and even talks about basically the timeline that that is. So it’s really interesting stuff. And I want to just jump right into it. So without further ado, here’s Jay.

2:37
I think there’s this this huge issue that women constantly think they’re not good enough. And it’s no wonder the way our media portrays you know, what a woman should be like. And I’m not saying women shouldn’t be healthy, and we should all work towards fitness and all this other stuff. But there’s this underlying current in the media always to say you’re not good enough. I think that’s very unbiblical. The Bible always teaches us that, you know, God loves us the way we are, and yet loves us too much to keep us that way. But the first thing is that he loves us unconditionally. I think our view towards our spouses should be the same, that you know, I love you the way you are, unconditionally, and I love you too much to let you stay the way you are, you know, I’m going to continuously try to drive you forward to be a better you in the hopes that you’ll do the same for me, so that we can be a better us. Right? And that we can be better stewards of God’s stuff too. Because that’s that should be our primary thing together, I suppose is to say, you know, how can we serve God the best. And part of that is all this stuff about being healthy and everything. But this mindset seems to be upside down. So for the wives that have this struggle, my guidance to them is usually, you know, read through the Bible, look at all these passages where God tells you, you know, he thinks you’re beautiful, he thinks you’re awesome, he thinks you’re amazing, he loves you regardless, you know, he died for you, despite you being a sinner. You know, he some of those verses where he talks about what he wants from a temple. You know, he says all these things about No, it needs to be like pure gold and polish silver, and like all these expensive jewels and everything like that. And then he says, and I’m going to live in you because I don’t want a big fancy building. You know, and that is so true. That’s how he views us. You know that we are this huge, like this precious temple for him. And then I think that’s probably the best way to combat this, this sense of what the world is telling us that we’re not good enough to say no, you know, God loves me the way I am. He created me the way I am. And he’s going to live in me despite him having this option. of having this massive temple. That’s all lining gold and all this other stuff. So that’s, that’s typically what I tell wives.

5:10
Yeah, I just love that. It’s, it’s so true. And it’s so true that it’s something, a lot of times as a wife, you really have to believe, in order to just be confident enough to initiate or to satisfy your husband’s needs. I mean, it’s often you just have to go and do it afraid and just start, even when you’re not feeling like a supermodel. It’s just just trusting that he does really appreciate you. And the other thing, I think, for the husbands that are listening, so frequently, men miss the opportunity to encourage their wives

5:46
to grow up. Yes.

5:49
Yeah. And, and my husband is very verbally complimentary. And it I’m very, I’m very blessed that way. But it has taken years for me to really trust that he appreciates my physicality, it has taken years and with pregnancies, and with, you know, gains of weight and all the, all the things that happen in women’s bodies, it’s, it’s necessary for you husbands to really be giving your wives that love, and compliments and just, you know, even if it feels awkward, even if it sounds awkward, it’s okay, she’s still gonna enjoy it, she’s still gonna appreciate that you say, Wow, you look really good today, or, you know, gosh, I love this about you. Those things are just golden, golden to wives years. So they’re only

6:37
awkward at first. Right? Once you start doing it, it becomes a lot easier. Whether it’s, you know, giving compliments to your spouse, or whether it’s walking naked in front of them. I remember my wife was terrified to be naked in front of me. Like, she would change in the bathroom. And you know, she’d be under the covers if we were having sex in the dark, you know, never during the day because there’s light. And, and this was when she was like, at her most fit probably, you know, what she she was still doing that she did a 6060 mile walk once for breast cancer. And so when she was training for that, you know, she was she was probably the most fit she’s ever been in, in our marriage. And now she’s, but she was still like terrified for me to see her naked. But now she’s eight and almost a half months pregnant. Definitely not in the fit, you know, the most fit in her life. But she has no concerns about being naked in front of me. Thank Thank goodness. And she still catches me like staring at her. And she’s like, what I’m like, You’re naked? What? Do I need a reason? But it wasn’t like one night she just went and I’m gonna be comfortable being naked? No, it took a long time for and she just kind of decided one time. I not gonna hide like, and it was hard for I know, it was hard for her. But I think she’s much more comfortable now.

8:12
And I think that wives don’t even realize how, how much their husbands want that? How much they want her to feel comfortable in her own skin? Yes. They don’t. They don’t want you to stand there naked sucking in your gut. That’s not That’s not enjoyable for him either.

8:31
No, cuz then we feel like we’re making you uncomfortable. And then it’s not that you feel uncomfortable is that we have done something wrong to make you uncomfortable. So I think we’ve we feel almost some guilt on that too. To say no, there’s something about me that she’s not comfortable with. So it’s so the women are thinking, Oh, it’s all about my body and the mineral thinking she does she’s not comfortable with me. You know, we have this horrible spiral that just goes back and forth.

9:02
Yes. And I sometimes say that it’s wives don’t realize that their insecurity is actually hurting their husband, that they’re insecure in themselves. And so they’re not showing their bodies they’re not they’re not willing to have sex with the light on or to oral or to go through just just to have some variation in their marriage. But you’re, you’re basically withholding this wonderful gift from your husband. And and that’s what, you know, God gave you a beautiful body. He made it and designed it in many ways, so that your husband could enjoy this beautiful, your beautiful curves and all these things. I just find it it’s very important for women to really recognize that they are such so captivating to their husbands and to actually like it because really a secure woman is a lot more sexy than an insecure woman as though

9:57
the worst thing is like okay, if your wife is insecure and she’s Like, she happens to be naked in front of you, but you know, she doesn’t feel comfortable. And then your turn over, because you’re like, I know she doesn’t want me to see her. And then she’s like he’s turning over because he doesn’t want to see me. Always start the whole spiral over again. So you can’t even do the right thing. If somebody is insecure, there is no right thing.

10:18
That’s awesome. That’s great insight. There is no right thing. If someone’s insecure, so just break through it. Regular wives, just don’t say yes to the insecurity. Don’t say yes to comparing yourself to supermodels or to looking at your neighbor and saying, Oh, I wish I had that body or No, no, say no, that’s not okay. I love that. Okay, so. So you’re in this place of complete sex? lessness, you started working on finances. You worked on communication after that, and then you worked on sex? So did it all turn into roses after that? How did how was what was that process like?

10:55
It? Well, it’s a process. It’s not like overnight, and everything’s fantastic. We did it. Yeah, we still I mean, it’s not like our sex lives are perfect anymore. I think some people kind of get this idea, oh, well, you’re a sex blogger or marriage blogger, your your sex life or marriage must be, you know, pristine, or like, no, half of the blogs that like half the posts I write are because of struggles that we’ve we’re either gone through or we’re still going through, you know, especially my early ones. My early ones, were still we’re still trying to figure out what is this dynamic? You know, what is the dynamic in our marriage? Because we used to have a very egalitarian marriage. And we realized for us, it didn’t work, nobody did anything. If there’s no one leading, then no one’s leaving, like. So we spent a lot of time trying to figure out okay, what does this mean? And how do we implement this? And what does the Bible say? And what does that mean, in our context, and in our marriage, and stuff like that? So like, a lot of my especially Yeah, especially early posts, because my later ones tend to be more questions from other people. They’re very much about the struggles in our marriage and how we were dealing with stuff. And, you know, how did we navigate some of these issues? So as you can see, during, during some of my posts, all of them, I’m like, Yeah, we’re having sex every night, because we were at a time where we’re like, Okay, what happens if you do have sex every night? You know, is that a bad thing? Is that a good thing? So we went a few months where we had sex 80 to 90% of the nights, which a good thing or a bad thing is probably one of the happiest times in my marriage sexually. I was fantastic. And I think our goal is to kind of switch back, maybe, maybe not quite that high, but closer to that again, but you know, having being pregnant, and then breastfeeding, and then running around after kids all day, it makes it almost impossible. So So then later on, you know, I’m posting about where we just had a baby, and we’re in our six weeks hiatus, or whatever, and we’re not having any sex at all. So I’m sure some of my readers are just like, confused, or like, we have no idea how much sex this guy has. Because sometimes it’s all the time and other times, he’s not having sex at all. I tried to explain it like I’m sure the ones that like read every post, they get it because they see the transitions, but someone who’s jumping through it, I’m sure they’re confused out of their minds. And so, but what I want to say is that our marriage, you know, it’s dynamic, it shifts it, it flexes, there are seasons where you’re like, well, sometimes it’s better. And sometimes it’s not worse, but different. Right. And I can say I’m very, even though we’re not having sex every night, I’m very satisfied, because our intimacy and all other aspects of our marriage is so much better now. That that, because it, especially earlier on, sex was such like this huge, big intimacy thing, because we had no intimacy in any other aspect of our lives. So we relied on sex in order to create intimacy. And now later on, we’ve realized we get intimacy from other things, you know, from talking about intellectual things, or sharing emotional things, or even spiritual things. You know, physical intimacy is only one aspect of intimacy. And when you have no other intimacy in your marriage, then it’s a really big aspect.

14:32
But when you start having all these other ones, you’re like, you know, I could take six weeks off, it’s not the end of the world.

14:42
Awesome. And would you tell us a little bit about kind of a wonderful time in your marriage?

14:48
I think this is probably my most wonderful time. Where I love our blog, which sounds a little weird to say about my own blog. Thank you. But it’s less. I like I like writing because writing is part of my process. It’s it’s, I’m a split introvert extrovert. So I have to think about things. And then it still has to get out for me to like complete the circle of thinking. I can’t internalize everything, or else it doesn’t go anywhere. So my blog is a way for me to, you know, put stuff out and then get feedback back on it, kind of thing. And some of the times people just hate what I wrote. But I’m like, I don’t care. If you hate it, we’re having a discussion about it, I’m happy. And in the last year, my wife has started kind of commenting on my blog as well, like within the, within the posts. And that has been amazing for me. So I get to read, like these paragraphs of text about my wife that I might not be able to pull out of her. But because she’s trying to help other people, different things come to mind. And so there’s that. And then we just started up a marriage coaching practice, which was going to be just me, but I’ve had a couple people ask, Oh, what can your wife be involved to, so that my wife doesn’t feel like it’s two guys talking and her know, she doesn’t feel like, you know, overloaded by the males. And so she’s, she’s participated in a couple of calls to and that’s, that’s just awesome. So, so this time around, it’s, it’s amazing. You know, and I get a chance to homeschool my kids lately. And I, my wife is constantly telling people how wonderful I am with the kids and everything, which is a lot easier when you’re home all day with them. Rather than, you know, you come home from work and you’re exhausted, you have to deal with the kids. But yeah, I’d say this time is, and I’m expecting next year to be even better.

16:44
So. I love it. I love that that’s your answer right now. And in the future. That’s awesome. Well, what do you think the chief three things would be that have been central to your marital success?

16:57
I think first right off the bat is never give up. The one thing my church culture instilled in me about marriage was you don’t get divorced. And I know there are some reasons where it’s valid and everything but I think far too often people get divorced way too easily. And, and if I had done that I would have missed out on so much. Like the years of struggle that we have, are eclipsed by the last few years that we’ve had together. And so if there’s many people who I’ve seen only if my wife did do that, then I would be out, like out dude, you’re missing out. To be able to go through that struggle together, and then come out is just, it’s amazing. So that I think that’s the first one. And then a second one is probably Communicate, communicate about everything. You know, marriage is about intimacy and vulnerability and transparency. And that requires sharing that and talking about it, and not being scared to talk about it. And sometimes that means you have to talk about things that aren’t fun. Sometimes it means you get to talk about stuff, that’s really fun. But it’s really uncomfortable. First, you know what the first time you have to talk to somebody about something that’s uncomfortable, or the first time you talk to your spouse about your sex life. You know, it’s really awkward and weird. And, but it gets easier. Like, when we first started talking about sex, we would use all these like, you know, you trail off your sentences, because you don’t want to say the words. And you’re just hoping they picked up the hint of what you’re talking about. And now we’re like, No, we can say just about anything. We won’t have to worry about are the kids around? Do we want to have this conversation with them yet? Mm hmm. Yeah. So I think that’s the element. And then lastly, very similar, but you know, learn to build intimacy in all aspects of your marriage, not just sex.

19:15
Go into that a little bit more. What do you mean?

19:17
So I love it. Usually Christina and I don’t read the same books. She is much more of a read Facebook and see what everybody else in her community is doing. Because she’s very, very social. And I tend to be the more No, give me a book and I’m happy. Everyone leaves me alone for an hour while I finish this thing. And, but there have been time. Once in a while we get to read the same book, we run a small group in our house for our church. So we get typically four or five couples, although sometimes we have some signals as well. Whatever we’ll either will either be going through questions from based on the sermon from last week from church, or we’ll pick a book to do as a group study. and the time that we get to do that, I love it. Because you know, it’s a very intellectually kind of bonding experience for us. We’re reading the same stuff we haven’t, we could discuss our thoughts on it. Actually, the one time we did intimacy ignited, was a group of four other Christian couples, which is a study of Song of Solomon. And that was just, that was just awesome. But even if it’s not even, even if we’re just going through the sermons, you know, there’s an intellectual conversation going on there. But it’s also spiritual as well, because you’re talking about theology. So you get to learn, you know, what does my spouse think about these things? And what are their beliefs, because a lot of times, you know, people don’t have conversations about what their beliefs are, they just assumed that their spouse believes the same thing they do. That may not be the case. And sometimes talking through them, helps you get on the same page, or at least respect each other’s beliefs. I’ve been very blessed to have a wife that, you know, we, we tend to believe the almost the exact same thing. But I think it’s because, you know, we’ve been dating since we were 16. So we grew up together, our brains almost like formed, like, at the same time, in the same environment, you know, and we struggled through the same stuffs and our marriage and everything like that. So we, at one point, we looked at our church and went, we don’t believe what our church is teaching anymore. Like we both decided, and we both jumped denominations together. Because we both agreed with the new one. That’d be very hard to do if you’re not having conversations about what you believe. That’s, that’s another kind of intimacy. So yeah, your emotional and intellectual and your spiritual intimacy as well as your physical intimacy, they’re all very important.

21:51
So considering your expertise, Jay, would you be able to give the y’s that are listening, maybe a tip or something that you kind of wish all wives understood, or maybe a principal concern that they have about sexual intimacy,

22:04
I think the main thing is that sex is not just about physical sex. I think that’s what a lot of a lot of wives kind of believe that, oh, he just wants to have an orgasm kind of thing, or he just wants to see me naked. But there’s this huge chemical reaction that goes on in men’s brains. When we have sex, like, it’s, it’s, it’s definitely not just about the physical. You know, like I said, if if you go a few days, as a man without sex, all of a sudden, your brain starts playing tricks on you, you know, you know, your wife loves you, but all of a sudden, you feel, and we’re not really very good at expressing our feelings. We don’t grow up with that vocabulary. We don’t have the words always even understand what we’re feeling. But we all sounds like start feeling kind of sadder. And, and I’ve learned that it’s, it’s that we don’t feel loved anymore. And there’s, so your brain has this juxtaposition that you’re like, I know, she loves me. And yet, I’m not feeling it. And that’s really difficult to deal with. And it gets worse as time goes on. So usually, I find most men like they get to two weeks. And they’re like, I can hold this together. And then the two weeks where they’re just like, My wife hates me, you know, life, it’s the end of my world kind of thing. Because there’s, there’s this camera, yes, some kind of chemical reaction going on in their brain. That’s just telling them that life is not good anymore. I don’t know how we managed to survive this way before we get married. I don’t remember having this cycle. Maybe something unlocks in your brain the first time you have sex. But or maybe it’s this God puts something to say, while you’re bonded with somebody now and you should be feeling that. And, and so I think that’s, that’s something that a lot of wives don’t really understand that. When he’s saying, Hey, I’m really horny. What he’s really trying to say is, I really miss you and I need to feel loved.

24:19
Yeah. That’s a great observation.

24:24
We don’t have we’re terrible at saying that. Yeah, and sometimes we don’t even I think a lot of men don’t even realize within themselves that that’s what they’re feeling. Right? Because we’re so solution. kind of find your kind of people, right? They’re like, I feel bad. I know. Sex will make me feel better. I need sex. So the men even a lot of times, they’re like, No, all I need is text. And, but that’s not what they really need. What they really need is that intimacy and to feel connected again. That’s why like, if you look at all the research on affairs and adultery. You know, a lot of them say it wasn’t about sex, it was about feeling needed and wanted a lot.

25:09
Yeah. And I think that is such a key element to share with wives, because I think so frequently, women struggle with the thing, thinking that it’s dirty or wrong. And but God has designed it so that your husband desires you in this way. So that you can have this experience frequently, because if it were up to many wives, it wouldn’t happen as frequently as it would with your husband. So that it happens frequently, and you are bonded, and you are intimate and you are growing in that connectedness, that unity, that oneness, and I just, I just love that insight j because I think so many women don’t recognize the holiness of the horniness. If I, if I can share that, I say that. But I think it’s God given it really is, in order to bind you together as one, through everything that happens through life, you really need that bonding, in order to continue to in order to have this, this family unit that your kids need, and the people around you need your church needs your the school needs. So anyway,

26:14
there’s, there’s this cycle that happens, that you know, you you have more sex, you know, the husband gets sex will get sex, right? He feels this intimacy, and all of a sudden, he looks at his wife and like, he was like, oh, yeah, I really love her. Like, he feels it now. And that goes on, he acts better towards or he’s more likely to do stuff, I clean the dishes or whatever. And then she turns around, they’re like, Wow, he’s really showing he loves me. Because he’s doing all this stuff. And he’s saying all these nice things, and he’s hugging me or whatever. And then they’re more likely to have sex again. And it keeps going around and around the circle. That’s a good cycle. But if it doesn’t happen, the opposite hype cycle, it happens. You know, a one seems to be like, This is God’s cycle. And the other one’s like this is Satan cycle. And Satan cycle is more, we don’t have sex. And then he feels unloved. And so he doesn’t really want to do anything for her because, well, she doesn’t love him anyways, at least that’s what’s in his head. And so then she’s like, well, he’s not doing anything for me, why would I want to have sex with him. And it just keeps going around and around and around. And the less the sad thing is, it’s so simple just to reverse it. Just one of them has to wake up and go, you know, the wife can go, well, we should go have sex for the marriage, even if neither of us really feel like it right now. Because sometimes you get to a point that neither one of you want sex because you’re so upset with each other. But it’s the right thing to do for your marriage. And, or the husband wakes up and goes, I’m being an idiot, if I just showed her I loved her, it would probably mean that she might show the same return. Because I think love is a choice. It’s not as we have to think of it as this emotion. But it’s not. You know, in the Bible, it’s very much, you know, God chooses to love us. Despite all the terrible things that we do. And I think our fr spouses, it should be the same thing. I like one day, Christina and I and my wife, we are having a big fight overnight. And then the morning I woke up and we’re still kind of angry with each other. But I woke up really early to go to work. And I looked at I walked into the kitchen, he was a disaster. And I said, she would really like it if I cleaned up the kitchen. And I we weren’t really happy with each other time. But I had decided this is what I was going to do to show her I still loved her. And so I cleaned up the kitchen. And then she came down in the morning and I was already gone for like an hour. And she sent me this text saying thank you. I love you too. And and that’s all it takes sometimes just you know, to decide to do something to show that you still love them. You have made the choice to love them, even if you’re not feeling it at the moment.

28:52
Completely agree. That’s fantastic. Well, I want to ask you just to wrap up, but due to the specific marriage that you’ve had, what opportunities have you had to serve God?

29:03
Well, I guess my blog is probably the biggest one. Right? I’m astounded by it. I think it was about three years ago. Yeah, three years ago. In January, I decided no one in the Christian community seems to know what to do with sex. Like, no one’s asking questions. No one’s answering them. I hadn’t found all these other marriage blogs, a lot of them. And so I was like, maybe I’ll do something to help people. So my first thought was, I’m just gonna go find all the resources that are out there that are kind of hard to find still. And all like do data curate. Like be Yeah. Alright, I’ll like manage this data. So I can disseminate and share with people to help them. And very early on, and then I wrote a post I think myself and people love that way more than me sharing other people’s stuff. And I was like, really People read this. And this year we hit last year we did 750,000 hits. And which is just insane. Because even if you like account for people who just show up and then immediately leave and everything like that, it’s still 10s of 1000s of couples that we’ve reached. Yeah. And, and the blog is full of comments. And I constantly see people who have pinned stuff on Pinterest and tweeted things, and Facebook shared them. And I’m just like, Who are these people that feel comfortable sharing on Facebook, and clicking that Like bucket like button, which basically yells to all their friends and family. I like sex within marriage. And I’m like, God bless them. But But I think is definitely something God has blessed. Because so many times we get emails from people who ask us questions, and I don’t get to write posts about every single one of them, I don’t have the time. Half the work I do is in emails back and forth with people that the blog never sees. But lots of times, I’m sitting there writing and you like, an email will come in, and they’ll ask you a question. And I’m like, I have no idea what to say about this. And so I’ll just sit down and start typing. And it happens to be I say the right thing. And they respond back saying, you know, thank you. That’s exactly what I need to hear. Like, well, good, but that wasn’t me. You know, there’s no way I thought of of that. So, but I think, I think having are struggling this and being able to learn to talk about it and communicate and all the research I did to try to kind of fix it. It has led us to this.

31:54
Yeah. Yeah. That’s, it’s it’s an amazing, amazing story, because it really has your specific struggle has been created this amazing gift for so many marriages. What is a book that you could recommend to our audience?

32:13
Oh, boy, I struggle with so many people asked me that, like, what is the book you would recommend for me? Be like, the Bible, like it’s amazing how much information and and stuff about marriage is in there. But I think most people don’t really read it for that. You know, they they think, I think a lot of people look at the Bible. And they’re like, No, this is talking about my spiritual life. And I’m going to compartmentalize that over here. And my marriage is way over here. And, you know, never the twain shall mix kind of thing. Because God forbid, God talks about sex in the Bible, even though we have an entire book on it. But it’s not just Song of Solomon, which is an amazing book on dealing with intimacy and marriage and sexuality and everything like that. But even like Adam and Eve right from the get go, when God says, Okay, now I created you go have sex, like, like, his first commandment is, you know, be fruitful and multiply, which is basically go and have fun. And I always make the joke that, like Adam and Eve were created on on Friday. So for them in Hebrew culture, you know, Sabbath is Friday night to Saturday. So their honeymoon was literally on Sabbath. And yet we have this idea in Christianity, that that sex is like this not so godly thing. You know, but God managed to make humans and then made their honeymoon, like the day that he blessed you know, and then looked at it all and said, I did a good thing here. In fact, the word he said is not only good, but like it’s, it’s perfect and functional. is like the undertones of the word he uses. And I think that’s just amazing. And that’s like in the first chapter. And then throughout the rest of the Bible, you see all this this great advice all over the place. I mean, most people pull apart you know, the Corinthians passage about don’t deprive each other, and all the verses on adultery and, well, what do I do with my husband who’s not a believer, there’s all those two but there’s all these other ones that aren’t necessarily directly that said, like they don’t say marriage in the board. This is for your spouse. But you can read all these like proverbs that teach you how to communicate with people and when you should hold your tongue and when you should speak, and that all that’ll help in any relationship, but definitely in marriage as well, because that’s the one where we’re going to make the most screw ups. So I always try to point people back To the Bible, but then after that, it depends on what specific issue they’re dealing with. I’ve read so many good books. At this point, thanks to the thanks to my blog. I have authors that send me books. And they’re like, please read this and review it. Which is awesome, because I love books. And free books are even better.

35:25
Did you have one that you wanted to recommend otherwise? Or

35:28
a for women? Your audience is mostly women, correct? Right, right. Right. The one I read recently is called pulling back the shades. But I guarantee you, you’ll see it all around the marriage blogging around around Valentine’s Day. Because it, it’s kind of their response to the whole 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon. And they explore it’s two women, one, I believe, is a doctor, and the other one is just a lay person. And one has read the trilogy, and one has not. And they explore why has this book series captivated? You know, the female mind? You know, what is it that we’re really looking for? that Satan has kind of thrown this in our past to do us. Because Satan doesn’t like come up with things that we don’t really aren’t really interested in. He tries to find things to trick our brains, you know, something that we’re searching for, that’s good. And he’ll throw something across our path that’s like, kind of looks and smells like it, but it’s not. And so they explore okay, what, what is all the symbolism behind this? Why? Why are we so interested in this fantasy? Why on these, like power struggles and this dominance dynamic, and all this other stuff, and it was, it was written by women, for women. And I read it in a day, at a men’s retreat. sitting around a campfire with all my guy friends from church looking at me and laughing. So like, why are you reading this book for women? I don’t like it’s amazing. You do. This is like the key to your wife’s brain.

37:13
And they all thought I was crazy. But well, I think they’re suckers for not reading books for women.

37:22
Why would you not want to learn how their brain works? It was it was amazing and insightful. And it’s probably one of my favorite books that I’ve read in the last year.

37:36
Well, my last question before we wrap up is, if you could go back to your one of marriage, and sit yourself down, what would be one piece of advice that you would give you,

37:47
I think probably learn to communicate faster. I wish I had done that right off the bat. Like if we had sat down, maybe not during the honeymoon, although our honeymoon was a disaster. That’s a whole other story. But, um, like, in the first couple months or marriage, I kind of wish we had sat down and then just unloaded. And this is all the crap I brought into our marriage. You know, these are the bad concepts I got. And these are the bad teachings I got, and oh, I’m struggling with porn. Oh, well, I never want to have sex because I think it’s 30. You know, all this stuff. Like, I wish we had gotten it out of the way and learn to deal with it. Because I don’t think anybody gets into marriage without baggage. We all kind of inherit all of our parents baggage, right? So we’re not, we’re never going to be able to escape that. But we can definitely learn to deal with it. And that’s hard, because sometimes we don’t even realize what the baggage that we’re carrying around. Yes. But if you start talking about things and saying, Well, this is my view on this, this is what what I think about it, you know, and then sometimes it comes out a lot faster than if you don’t talk about it. Or if you’re not talking about anything. I think that’s it communicate more and quicker, like get over that initial embarrassment right off the

39:09
bat. Great. Well, Jay, this has been an amazing interview really fantastic stuff here. I’m very excited. Would you be able to share how our audience can connect with you how they can find you online? And even a little bit about your your coaching practice. I’d love for you to tell us a little bit more about that as well.

39:28
Sure. Well, the blogs at sex within marriage calm. There’s links on the blog to Facebook and Twitter and Google Plus and everything else. The coaching. I started up just this winter, I think around December. I called it anonymous marriage coaching. So it’s anonymous marriage coaching.com. And there’s a link on the blog to go to it. But basically, I started getting more and more emails from people saying, you know, we’re struggling with this aspect of our marriage. We don’t feel like we can go to our pastor or friends or And it’s not really that big of a deal. Like, we don’t need a counselor. We’re just looking for some, like guidance kind of thing. And as as the blog grows, I get more and more and more of these comments. And eventually I realized, you know, I’m helping people by answering them, but they’re one off answers. And I know that just getting an answer to something doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to make a change in your life, the best way to make a change is to have someone kind of walk with you and hold you accountable, and help you process that kind of thing. And so I started up anonymous marriage coaching for those couples that are like, we don’t need a doctor, or a therapist, like someone like we’re not broken, we just need like a shift of perspective, or we need a tool, or we need to learn to communicate, or we just need someone to help us figure out, you know, what are our goals? What are what, what steps can we take to get to where we want to go. And that’s what coaching is really about is to kind of walk beside a couple for a short time to help them. just clarify, okay, where are we? Where do we want to go to? And what are the steps that we’re going to get there. So that’s what, that’s what my marriage coaching practice is all about.

41:18
That’s great. Well, so our listeners know that we they can go to our marriage.com. And all of this is going to be linked up in the show notes. So really, really great resources. And, you know, jays got fantastic blog posts as well. So definitely, definitely connect with him there. So Jay, thank you so much. This has just been amazing. And I really appreciate your time and sharing all your wisdom with us.

41:42
I had a lot of fun. Anytime I can talk about sex and marriage. I am happy.

41:47
Awesome. And so we’ll be in touch soon then. Oh, my gosh, such a great interview. Jay, thank you so much. And as an update, Jay and Christina just had their fifth baby, a little boy. And he’s super cute. You can see that on his website. And it sounds like mom and baby are doing well. So yeah, thank you so much for joining today. This was awesome to have you. So our next episode is coming out on Tuesday morning. And so check us out there. If you haven’t subscribed yet or review us on iTunes. Please do that. And we’ll see you on Tuesday. Thanks so much.

42:26
Thanks for joining. If you’ve been inspired by this show, would you help spread the word. If you take a moment to review and subscribe others can find us more easily. Find out how to delight your marriage.com forward slash iTunes. Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion

 

Subscribe On Itunes
Listen On Spotify