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Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah. Rose.

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Welcome, and thank you, I am glad you’re here. I don’t know where you are in this world. But just the fact that somehow there’s technology that allows me in New York City in my tiny apartment, able to connect with you, wherever you are, and chat about these important topics. It’s just amazing. And I thank God for it. I’m really praying that this is a episode that really speaks to your heart. It’s the content that I wish I had had as a newlywed. Even as someone who was dating, it’s just dynamics of men and women that I did not understand. And now, as a woman who does, I see it all over the place that women don’t understand men, and men don’t understand women. And once we get those things, right, we can start to have real connection, real deep love and intimacy in our marriage, not just physical intimacy that we talked about all the time, which is vital, but depth of intimacy in terms of connection, Union, as a married couple. It’s incredible. So that’s what we’re going to talk about today. How to be romanced by your husband, how to create a romantic husband, is what I’m calling it, because it’s, it’s how you as a wife can change your husband. By changing yourself. It’s pretty incredible the power a woman has in a marriage. That’s why I love working with women, one on one in my coaching, because we together get to work through the stuff to figure out strategize, understand, be practical, be practical about what really is inhibiting your next step. Is it an understanding around physical intimacy? Is it a past experience? Is it a way of connecting to your husband that is missing? That’s what we work through. And so right now until November 24, is a great opportunity for you to begin coaching with me 30% off gift. So go to delight your marriage.com Click on Resources, and you can get that 30% off and we can begin working together. Because you know, honestly, when women work with me, and I hear their story, and I hear where they’re coming from, I’m just so grateful that they reached out that they took that step, because they don’t need to be suffering. Like they are I have been in that place of suffering as a wife in these areas. And I just want them to be free. I want them to be free. I want them to be living life God wants them to live. And in their marriage, it’s just it’s so vital it affects every part of your life. I’m sure you know that. All right, well, let’s dive in. I know this is going to be really important content for you. And although I love recommending books and other resources, because I think you can really dive deeper in that. And I’m going to do that in this episode. I’m also going to try as hard as I can to get meat in here to really give you the practical tools on how to put this into practice in your marriage to make serious change in your marriage. Alright, let’s dive in. I see it all the time, from women who are just exhausted and exacerbated that their husband doesn’t seem to understand how to love them. All she wants is flowers. All she wants is him to take her on a date. All she wants is his compliments this his attention is his time. Why is that so difficult for him to understand? Why is that so difficult? And she is so hurt, because it seems like he just doesn’t care. He never puts forth the effort. And I myself have been in that situation many times and it’s so hard and it hurts. I wanted to tell you about how my husband proposed.

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He has told me that I can tell this story so So this is how it went. After a long time of dating, and after really feeling pressure that it was time to get married for various reasons.

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I was like waiting and waiting and waiting. And finally, he asked me to get off work a little early one day, and it was a busy day. So I wasn’t actually able to get off work early. And so I get down out of the building, and he’s there with our bicycles. And I can tell he’s already frustrated, because I didn’t come down as fast as I was trying to. And so he asked me if I was hungry, and I said, Yes. So we went to a nearby fast food place, and I think got burgers. And it was it was local, but fast food nonetheless. And we went up to this area, it was like a empty parking lots that had a view of this area of the city. You know, I live in New York. But this was not like of skyscrapers or something very beautiful, necessarily. It was of apartment buildings. And it had gotten to be nighttime by that time. And then we sat down, and he handed me a box. That was a ring box, and I opened it. And that was how I was proposed to. So I tried to be excited for about 30 seconds. And then I let him have it through tears and frustration and anger and sadness and hurt. And I just Oh, I so frustrated and sad. And then finally after a very long time, I think I think I told him he had to take me to a restaurant. So we went to a restaurant and I continued to cry, and told him I deserved better and all these things. And finally I said you know what? You have to try again tomorrow. And we’ll see if I say yes. Talk about putting the pressure on, huh? Well, that is what I did. And so the next day, he had me, I can’t remember exactly if you had me meet me at a certain Avenue and street intersection or something like that. And then we walked to a restaurant together. It was a very beautiful French restaurants and I was dressed up and ready and sat down. And we had a beautiful dinner. And then for desserts. They asked me what I’d like and it was some kind of like ice cream, preferred rolls or something like that. And on the plate, they actually had the ring on a raspberry as it came out and the desert. So that was a beautiful secondary proposal. And that’s the only proposal I had ever told anyone until now the big reveal. So he did a good job the second time. And that was the one that I was willing to share and and tell people we cutting caged. But the point is that my husband was not the romantic type I had to I thought that the way to do that was to force him to be romantic and, and what ultimately happened was just a lot of frustration and anger and sadness, you know, anger just because I was hurt. Like how could he not understand that I deserved to be wooed and romanced. I mean, why, why is that so hard to figure out? That’s how women think. Shouldn’t men know that? So what I didn’t understand is how a man thinks and feels. See men, they want to be respected. And women, they want to be cherished. What does it mean to respect a man? Well, I thought I was respecting my husband because I knew that men needed to be respected but I didn’t understand what that meant. It means everything you think it does. And it means do not correct. Do not teach. Do not interrupt. Do not criticize, Do not embarrass in public. These are all things that are not respectful of your man, it makes him feel like you’re

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just putting him down all the time makes him feel like you think he’s stupid. Makes them feel like you’re his mother. And a lot of times, you are acting like his mother, you’re telling him what to do. That’s disrespect. Those are not things that make him want to make you happy. So that’s the thing I didn’t realize is that I, throughout our marriage was trying to control him. I was trying to say things like, we should do this, or we need to do this, or this needs to happen. Or you need to take me on a date. Or why don’t you give me flowers? Or why don’t you celebrate my birthday, he literally forgot my birthday. And he forgot lots of holidays and occasions, and they were hurtful. And so I let him have it, I let him know how hurtful it was. Because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do, isn’t it? I was honest, I was open about my feelings. That’s what I’m supposed to do is communicate, isn’t it? And yet, we got nowhere, we got nowhere. All we got was him feeling more distant. me feeling more hurt and crushed. Since you know, every time I try to be honest and open, he just comes, you know, against me. And it’s turns into this big battle. And I feel completely, just terrible. And as though he doesn’t even care. And I try to build up walls and pretend that I don’t care. But I do care. I really want my husband to care about these things that really matter to me. I want him to want to spend time with me. I don’t I want him to want to romance me into into care about my heart and my feelings. So then what I have learned, and there’s this great book, The surrendered wife, I learned that I need to surrender. And that seems completely the opposite, right? That I’m losing all this that I want. Why would I surrender? How would that help anything that would just make me lose everything else that I have. But here’s the thing, you can’t force a person to do anything. In fact, when you try to force, it makes them go away from you. Think about it as an adult, when you sense your mother trying to force you to do something. I mean, it makes you like, jerk back and be like, I might have wanted to do that until suddenly you’re forcing me to do it. But think about that for a husband, when his wife is forcing him to do something that is very unattractive. He does not want to have intimacy or relationship or romance someone who’s acting like his mom, not even close. So surrender. That’s the answer. The surrender is giving up the control. Now you might feel that scary. And it is, it is scary, because you have a very real and good reasons for taking on that control. Maybe people have hurt you. And I’m sure they have. And you felt like you had to grab control or your life was gonna spin out of control. I mean, you were the only one you could trust. You had to take it by the handles and, and, you know, hold on tight, it was up to you or nothing. Or maybe you know, with feminism, you’ve had this sense that men can do whatever women can do whatever men can do, there is no reason for a man to think that he’s higher than me. Absolutely not. And the truth is that that is true. I mean, we are equal to men. I mean, thank God for feminism that we’ve have the right to vote and read and write and go to college and be in the workforce and that’s incredible stuff. But the truth is, we’re not the same. God made them male and female. He made them in his image. We are different reflections of God as men and as women, but we’re not the same. Maybe we do it because we want to impress our husbands. So we’re doing Teaching and correcting and controlling because we’re like, Look, honey,

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look how great I am. Look how smart I am. Instead, it just makes them feel like Oh, you think I’m stupid. That’s why you’re teaching me explaining things correcting me because you think I’m an idiot. That’s what he is receiving those things as another thing, maybe you want to be perfect. Maybe you want your family, your home, your lifestyle, your commitments, you want them to be perfect, and your husband is getting in the way of that perfection. You have an ideal in your mind, and he’s messing it up with his choices. And so your whole point is not you, you’re not trying to force him. But you just didn’t realize that your goal of perfection is actually impeding his freedom. He is forced to do what you say. Because you think what you say, is perfect. You think you are right, and you think he is wrong. There’s no space for anything other than your opinion. The other thing, maybe you just are trying to please people. And you think this is what they would like. So you tell your husband, you should help those people? Or why don’t you go do that thing are volunteer there, or make more money? Because we need to do this for others? Or, you know, you’re still telling your husband what to do for other people’s approval, you know, at the cost of your own marriage? I mean, I’ve fallen into that. But that, is that right? Is that what God wants us to do? That we value other people’s opinions above our own spouse? No, that’s not. Because when we are trying to control, we are doing the opposite of what God does for us. See, when we love somebody, love can only bloom in an atmosphere of freedom. You cannot love someone if you’re being controlled by them. Because that’s force you can’t force love. It’s a free choice. That’s why it’s so beautiful what God did for us when he he gave us free choice. That’s why turning to him and worshiping Him means so much to God is because we don’t have to. That’s why it’s such a good, beautiful thing. It’s not forced, if it was forced, it wouldn’t be sincere worship. And it’s the same for your husband, if you force him to love you. It’s not sincere. He’s not going to want to do it. And you and I both know, all these things that you want from your husband, you wanted to spend time with you, you want to go on dates, you want to be romanced, you want him to listen to you, you want him to want to do those things. You don’t want to force him. You don’t want to give him a checklist, essentially saying here’s all the things you’re failing at honey. What do you think that does to his self esteem? See, men are not knights in shining armor. They don’t have armor. They are soft, gentle beings, with thick exteriors. They are sensitive to you. You’re the person that’s closest to them. If they can impress you, who are they in this world? You are the one person who can influence them the most. And you should be your his wife. You’re the one who loves him. So if you are accusing him calling him an idiot or, or not respecting him, who in the world outside of his home, is going to tell him he’s awesome. And if it’s people at work, then he’s going to hang out more at work. If it’s some attractive person. He’s going to have a hard time when it comes to temptation. You are his cheerleader. It’s you. That’s your responsibility. It’s your privilege. It’s your opportunity to love him who he thinks you’re, let’s see if I can say this, right? The way you think of him is how he thinks of himself. And when I got this, I had to start apologizing to my husband, because I had been very disrespectful. I had been very disrespectful.

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And I had to be humble I really did. That’s the thing about the surrendering thing. It’s hard work. It’s hard work is humbling. But I will tell you, ladies, it’s very worth it. Because I’m going to tell you at the end of part two, what happened after now that, now that I surrender, and what my anniversary looks like now, but I still have to surrender, I still have to be careful. Just the other day Halloween, you know, last year for Halloween, we brought these little mandarin oranges, I don’t know if you’ve seen them, but they’re probably half the size of your fist. They’re little balls of kind of like, Baby oranges. So we pass those out. And it was kind of fun. You know, it’s kind of the size of a piece of candy, but it’s healthier and all that. Well, this year, my husband brought bananas. And for some reason, I just could not wrap my head around, that being a good idea. I just, I knew I would be mortified going to this candy exchange at the park, I just wouldn’t be able to do it without being completely embarrassed. And that’s my people pleasing thing. And so I didn’t want to go there and control, because that’s what I would have done. I didn’t want to accuse or criticize my husband. So I just decided to stay home. I decided to keep my lips buttoned not say anything, and deal with my own stuff somewhere else. Because that’s not my own stuff. That’s just my own people pleasing stuff. And yeah, I stayed home and my youngest son was kind of having a crying fit. So I got to I got he was my excuse. But I mean, it was hard because I wanted to go to that little candy exchange. It’s fun to see all the kids in their wild costumes running around, asking for candy. It’s fun, but it wasn’t worth disrupting the peace and harmony in intimacy in my marriage. It’s not worth it. And it turns out, they had a great time. My husband told me that the kids love the bananas. You know, and and that’s what happens so often is that I’m shocked after I do surrender. And I’m like, wow, that actually went much better than I expected. Well, thank you, Lord, for giving me the grace to do that. Even if my heart wasn’t necessarily right, at least I didn’t say anything. So what I’ve told you so far about surrendering is not to criticize, not to correct not to teach, not to explain, not to override his opinion. You know, but instead, to complement. That’s the opposite. I want you to complement the things that he is the things you see in him the things he does, who he is as a man. Just give him compliments. Give him a reputation to defend that you are the person again that’s closest to him. You are the one that’s helping him to see himself as the person he is, what are his strengths? What are the things he does that you’re proud of? How can you point out the good aspects of who he is, you know, you can say things like, Honey, you have such a level head, I’m so grateful than in the midst of chaos, you’re calm. Or you can say, babe, thank you so much for taking out the trash. You know, you really didn’t have to do that. And it was such a great break that I could just sit here. Well, you did that for me. You say Honey, you make me so happy taking care of the kids. While I was, you know, in the middle of this other thing that was really kind, just every little detail that you would complement and encourage and let him know that it means so much to you. Because husbands want to make their wives happy. They really do. They want to make them happy. They don’t want to be controlled by their wives. But they want to make her happy. And so if you’re a wife that’s complimenting him, and he’s pleasing you, he doesn’t want to have the pressure that you’re forcing him to be perfect. But if he knows that, what he does is going to be good enough. Then he wants to do that he wants to go for it. Because he knows that he’s not going to be rejected, he’s not going to be accused, he’s not going to be criticized. But whatever he does, you’re going to love it. And that’s going to make him want to do it more and more. Does that make sense? So basically, where you’re starting at, if you kind of think about it on like

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a visual so You’re starting at maybe kind of a negative place, maybe there’s been a lot of critical conversations where you both feel like you’ve had rhetorical knives thrown at each other. So you’re hurt, you’re bloody, you’re beaten, you’re broken. So now it’s going to be little step by little step of complimenting, of growing and trust, that you’re not going to say those things that you’re sorry for disrespecting him. And little step by little step of complimenting, of reassuring, of thanking him, that’s gonna cause him to slowly if you continue, and you’re consistent, and you just stay steady, keep doing it. Slowly trust you, that you’re not gonna respond that way again. Because he remembers, they, again, those things affect him whether he cries or not, they affect him, just like your his words affect you. So yeah, little step by little sup. And slowly, as you as he begins to trust that you like, when he does things for you, he, you, you enjoy the small things, you enjoy the tiny things, he doesn’t have to do some crazy, big, amazing thing to make you happy, then he’s gonna start doing the small things. And pretty soon those small things grow into bigger things. And again, you keep complimenting all the things, the small things, the bigger things, small things, just everything, just be grateful that you’re alive, that you get to have this man. And slowly it does become bigger, it becomes bigger things and you become happier in your marriage together. And if you’re wondering, How the heck can I find anything to be grateful for my guy is, you know, a slob. And he’s all these terrible, terrible things. Well, you know, I had a dream a couple of nights ago, that my husband died. And the amount of pain and grief I was in. And that dream was just it was just kind of makes it hard to breathe. It’s just like I woke up. No, if you call it dry sobbing, like I just couldn’t. It just and, and I feel I really do appreciate my husband there was but waking up to that there was an absolute newfound appreciation, I just don’t know. I’m so grateful that my husband’s with me. I mean, just try to think of everything you would miss if he wasn’t as silly as it sounds, I thank my husband for being with me all the time. Like, Honey, I’m so glad you’re here. I’m so glad you’re sitting next to me. It’s so nice having you in this home together. Just be would be so different. If we were apart are there I mean, you can think of a million things to compliment him on. The other thing is to empower him. Now this is really important. So when he asks you for an opinion, or guidance, you just respond with the phrase, whatever you think, whatever you think. And I know that sounds strange, why would it matter, but what you are trying to cultivate in your husband is an empowerment that he can do it, that he is enough for this life and you trust Him, you trust him, you know, he can do this. And you don’t have to patronize him. You don’t have to make him feel like he’s a kid and your, you know, cheering them on and gamma, you know, anything like that. But you can say, I trust you, you got it, whatever you think, you know, whatever you think. So if he’s asking, like I said, if he’s asking for advice, if he wants

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it, let’s say he’s he’s asking if he can do something, because he’s so used to you controlling. He’s just asking permission at this point. And it’s not because he wants that. No, he’s doing that because he’s used to you accusing, criticizing basically pulling the rug out from under him. And he’s he doesn’t like that feeling. It’s a terrible feeling. I don’t know if you’ve felt that recently. But when you think you’re doing a good job, and the person you did it for just pulls the rug out from under you. That’s a terrible feeling. And it if that’s the norm for your husband is to ask permission for things. It means that unfortunately, that’s what’s been happening more than likely. So you’re Gonna have to really exercise your whatever you think muscles. And again, it’s gonna take him a long time to trust you. But it’s worth it. So slowly, you can just start saying whatever you think. And he might even ask you again, it’s up to you, honey, whatever you think. And truly, it needs to be up to him truly, you cannot allow it to be clear whether you want him to or not. Because if you’re going to cultivate this, trust that you do want him to be his own person, you do want him to have freedom in your marriage, you do want to be a surrendered wife, then you have to give up the control. I remember when I started doing this, like my husband just suddenly decided he needed to do a million house projects. And I just bit my tongue and somehow spoke through my teeth, whatever you think, baby. And I did, I said, Whatever you think. And I’ll tell you, we had some wild shelves go up in the bathroom. And suddenly a bench was built and some shelves in the closet that thankfully, those those closet shelves were taken down a few weeks later, but ultimately, it didn’t matter. Why would that matter? Compared to the intimacy, I was able to enjoy my husband. Because my husband went from someone who was honestly, I mean, it’s embarrassing to me. How controlled he felt. I mean, it’s incredibly embarrassing. I mean, you know, he just didn’t have confidence that he could do very many things. He really did not. And I just thought, well, that means I have to do everything. And I was exhausted, I was exhausted. I was tired. I was sad. And he wasn’t doing anything that a man should quote unquote. And now he’s, he’s amazing. He pays all the bills. I don’t even have to think about that. You know, he makes sure that when I want to do something, he finds a way to do it. Or he surprises me with family picnics, or over the weekend, he had our kids, go to the inlaws. So we had the weekend together, just the two of us. And Saturday morning, we woke up and had our coffee. And I said I’d like to go to brunch. And he said, Yeah, hey, let’s go. You know, he took me to brunch. It’s just amazing. That’s what we have now. That’s why it’s worth surrendering. That’s why it’s worth the hard, humble work of making the first steps that will change your marriage, honestly, women have so much power to change their marriage. So this is what I do with my coaching clients is after we have our session, and we’re very strategic in the first session to really go through what they’re trying to achieve through coaching, where their challenges are, what are the areas they really want to work in. Throughout you know, the session, it becomes clear, like what are the areas that they really need work in. So I develop the homework for the week, so that they can practice every day of the week until we meet the next time. That particular skill. And a lot of times it has to do with intimacy. So it literally they need to be practicing with their husband, which is great. But sometimes it’s spiritual work that needs to happen, more or more personal work. And so I think this homework that I want to give you kind of modeling that coaching approach that I do

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is this homework is going to be journaling. I want to give you three things to journal about before now and our next session. Next week. Part two. So three questions one question for yourself. In what ways do I control my husband? In what ways do I control my husband? So is that do you correct him? Do you say that he needs to do things do you tell them what to do? Do you make honey do lists do you say we should do we have to do don’t do? Explain criticize? Correct? In what ways do I control my husband? Another one is in what ways do I disrespect my husband? Number Two, Question I want you to journal. Why do I disrespect my husband? And pray about this one? Especially? Why do I disrespect my husband? Is because you are afraid that you’re not going to get taken care of. Why do you control your husband? Is because you’re concerned that you’ll never get what you need in a marriage unless you force him to do it. Why do you control your husband? Do you feel like he’s enough to do? What needs to be done? Do you feel like he’s smart enough? Do you feel like he can figure it out on his own? Do you feel like he needs to be mothered? Why do you control him? Are you wanting to impress other people? Are you wanting to impress him? Are you trying to be perfect in the way you see perfection? Are you concerned that you know you two are equal. And so you should be making these decisions for the both of you. He’s not the one that gets to make all the decisions. Number three, I want you to make a big long list of 15 At least 15 specific aspects of your husband that you are grateful for very specific. So don’t just say, because he’s great. It would need to be because he makes me laugh. Even about silly things. Because he walks the dog. I like the way his shoulders are broad and sexy. I like the way he does push ups in the morning. Just because he likes to think of the things that you liked when you were dating. Just very, very specific. What are the things you really love about your husband. And alongside that, this week, compliment up the wazoo. I want you to give so many compliments this week, every single day of this week, give your husband so many compliments, little tiny things, and this is probably gonna feel awkward. But you got to do it, stretch yourself, do it. Alright, now next week, we’re going to talk about how you can what you can say I just told you all this stuff, you can’t say okay, next week, we’re going to talk about what you can say to make changes in your marriage. So if you can’t tell your husband what to do, if you can’t give him a honey do list checklist. I don’t know if you know what that is honey do list is like a to do list that you’re giving your husband do these things. And I get you know, if you if you need the garbage disposal, you know, fixed and your husband knows how to do that. You might ask him to do that or tell him he needs to do that. But that’s not being a surrendered wife. So the question is, how do you surrender and respect your husband? And yet still get things that you would like to get accomplished? And how do you receive the love that you would desire? So that’s what we’re going to talk about in part two. But this is the groundwork you’ve got to do this hard work. To get this. Get this ball

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rolling, get things started. So excited for your homework this week. Once again, journal out. Number one. How do you disrespect your husband? How do you control him? Number two, why do you disrespect your husband? Why do you control him? And number 315 specific compliments you can give your husband this week and keep complimenting all week long. And I will talk with you next Tuesday for part two. In the meantime, sign up for coaching one on one with me. All right, we have walked together on your journey called Marriage for however long you’ve been listening to dy M. But there are still things in your marriage that are blocking whatever it is if there are things that need to be sorted through. I look forward to the opportunity of working with you so that you can be free of those was blockages so that you can be free and intimacy. You can be free and connected as a couple unified. Alright looking forward to chatting next week. Talk to you soon.

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Thanks for listening. Stop by delight your marriage.com to check out all the show notes as well as many more resources and articles. Until next time, live with love, wisdom impassion