• How to get yourself to make love
  • Life isn’t easy, often sex isn’t easy
    • Sex its god ordained, the sign of marriage, commitment, unification
    • Sex its an act of worship
      • Trusting that God wants this for your marriage in a consistent and wholehearted way
    • Sex its an act of faith
      • That it’ll be worth it
      • Mentor told me passion is seasonal
        • I’m on meds that make me have no sex drive
        • Meds are necessary but
    • Making love is serving
  • What to help long term
    • Have an internal schedule
    • Exercise
    • Don’t let too much time go by
  • What to do to help in the moment
    • Get inspired
      • Listen to a podcast, read a book
    • Act sexy
    • Start things off
    • Have more options
      • Depending on how long penetration takes you may want more options
        • Peni
        • Outetcourse
    • Pray
      • Lord I dont want to but I know this is your will
  • Last encouragements
    • Consider the last time you didn’t push yourself and nothing happened
      • The distance you felt
      • The rejection one of you felt
      • The lack of closeness
    • How to say no
      • Easily
      • Quickly
      • With a plan
    • Consider the last time you didn’t want to but you pushed yourself to start anyway
      • The warmth of his body
      • The closeness you enjoyed afterwards
      • The contentment that you made the right choice
      • The ease of doing life together when you’re unified

TRanscript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah. Rose.

0:19
Hi, and welcome to the show. Thank you for joining me. Today we are talking about when you don’t want to have sex, it is something I think I could spend a lot of time talking about, because it’s something that I have absolutely struggled with many, many, many times over. So I’m going to be as honest as I can on this show, because I want to be as helpful as I can on this show. And if you’ve listened to the show before, you know that we talk about physical intimacy, spiritual intimacy, emotional intimacy, but the heart of the show is really a lot about sex, because I think that it’s not talked about in a godly way enough, and it’s not talked about in a way, that’s helpful. And so I really want to be helpful today. And I want to give you inspiration, so that you are equipped, the next time you don’t want to have sex. So we are going to talk about how to say no, we’re going to talk about the flip side of how to get yourself to make love, even when you don’t want to what’s going to help in the long term, what’s going to help in the short term in the moment. And I’ve got some last encouragement for you. So let’s go ahead and get this discussion started.

1:50
All right. So first of all, what I want to just talk about is the simple fact that if you have lived any length of time in this world, and especially if you’ve been a Christian, I think that it just becomes more and more obvious that life isn’t easy, right? Because this is not our home. It was not designed to be fulfilling this earth. There’s plenty of things that are wonderful that God has given us like the fall leaves, you know, that’s I’m in New York City. So the leaves are changing colors. And today was actually kind of a warm, fall day. And it’s just beautiful out and refreshing and wonderful. But then there’s so many things that are under the surface that are hard, like, things are not going the way that you expected them to. Maybe dreams are not working out as you had hoped. And maybe there are health things that are holding you back. And I think that’s, you know, God has given us this life as a temporary home. Heaven is our home. I love that. This every every difficulty in our life is a reminder that we are not home yet. This is not home yet. And so I think sex is often that same way. It’s a reminder that we are not in heaven yet. A lot of times as women, we have got to will ourselves to make love sometimes it is not easy. I love a mentor friend of mine. She mentioned when I interviewed her when I was writing my book, delight your husband, I interviewed her and one thing she said very confidently. She said passion has seasons. And I love that because if you’re in a season where sex is the furthest thing from your desire list, I think it’s encouraging to say well we go through seasons just like it’s fall right now. It’s gonna be winter then spring, then summer we are in seasons. So if there are reasons that you have difficulty with sex right now, it might be because you have small kids, it might be because you have low energy it might be because if you’re like me, I’m actually on medication right now. That makes my libido really, really low. I in fact, you know, kind of feel like I have no libido right now. And so this is a topic that’s near and dear to my heart, because it’s something I’m wrestling through on a daily basis. But let’s talk about why sex is important. Even in the midst of it being potentially difficult. So, God ordained sex. Right? It is the sign of marriage. It is the sign of commitment. It is unifying. God made sure that sex was The first thing he asked Adam and Eve to do, right, he said, Be fruitful and multiply. He was talking about go and make love. That’s how you have children. That’s how you are fruitful. That’s how you are fulfilling what God wanted you to do together on this earth. I think it’s interesting when he made men and women, how important and central the genitals are to men and women. I mean, it’s what defines a man, it’s what defines a woman. If they have the certain genitals, then they are one or the other.

5:40
I also have two little boys, right? I have a three year old and a one and a half year old, and are actually almost two year old and getting to be three and a half year old. So they’re a lot of fun. They’ve got a lot of energy, as you can imagine. But one thing that’s really interesting is, when you see little boys from the get go, their penis is a really important part of who they are. I mean, it’s just very central to their, to their consciousness. I mean, once we’re changing diapers, man, we are playing with that thing doing it. Well, we not, not we the baby is playing with his, his memories, figuring out he’s exploring, but it’s just such a big part of, of who they are in their body. And, you know, I, I like to say that, you know, when God made man, he didn’t get through the whole process of making Adam and then go back and be like, Oh, my gosh, he’s got a penis. What was I thinking? No, no, no, that is not how God set it up, he made the penis central to your husband. So your husband’s desire for sex is central to his identity. It is it is vital, I mean, the way that his member works, I encourage you delight your husband, the book and video course that I have, available I go into. It’s just amazing how God created it, it’s and how many erections he has every single day just to keep it healthy. That’s, I mean, God made it that way on purpose, it’s essential to who he is on purpose. So sex is is God ordained, it’s, it’s vital for your husband and who he is. And so if you’re not feeling the drive, and your husband is it’s, it’s because God put that in him. It’s a desire for your husband. And that’s not going away. And, you know, one thing I like to say, in my own heart, and in to remind myself is that sex is often an act of worship, it’s often trusting that God wants this for your marriage, and he wants it in a consistent way. You know, obviously, as as if you’re married, you probably know that this is not something that’s once said and done. This is a, this is a consistent part of your lifestyle. Sexual intimacy is is part of your life. And it needs to be consistent. We’re going to talk about that more in a little bit. But the other piece is that it needs to be wholehearted. It can’t be something that we’re just going through the motions. This is something that God wants in a wholehearted way. I do believe God wants it in a wholehearted way. The other thing I think is, sex is an act of faith. Often, you know, often we don’t, or I don’t feel that desire, don’t feel that, that drive and yet, I have to trust that it is going to be worth it, it is going to be worth it. And again, you know, I have these medications and and I just have to, you know, talk myself into it so many times. And we’re going to talk about that we’re going to talk about what’s going to help. So the other thing is, I know I titled this when you don’t want to have sex, but I prefer and my husband and I actually have this

9:12
I don’t know habit in our marriage, that we don’t call it sex, we really call it making love. And that’s generally the only the only thing we call it because that is what you’re doing. You are making. You’re actively loving each other in this act together in this physical union together, you were actively loving your husband. And I think you know it at the heart level. It needs to be some you know, desire to love him, a desire that God you know, even if you don’t feel it, love your husband love your husband. So let’s talk about what’s going to help long term so let’s talk about things that you can change and things that you can make that will Excuse me, that will help you have a desire a longer a greater desire for a long term perspective. So the first thing I always recommend is have kind of an internal schedule. So have the discussion with your husband, like, how often is satisfying to you, and find out what his ideal would be, is it every day, is it every other day, is it a couple times a week is it more than a few times a day, I mean, find out what the what the ideal would be, and find out what yours would be, I definitely have a lower drive than my husband. And so my husband would be a couple times a day would be his ideal. And so mine is more like once a week would probably be more ideal. So we have met of minds. And I kind of have this internal schedule that we’re kind of on, you know, every other day, sometimes every day, you know, every now and then we get to three days, something like that, but I have it in my head that I really need to be making sure we’re making love on a consistent basis and what that is in my head. So it get that for you get it get a sense of what would be ideal, and then figure that out. Because that is we’re going to talk a little bit more about this. But that is this is a priority. When you make sex a priority in your life. That means you move around your schedule to make sure you have time to make love you you make sure that your energy level is good, you’re making sure that you have a consistent sleep plan that you have a sleep routine, right, all these things to support your lovemaking. So yes, so sleeping, that is very important. You need that. The other thing is exercise, exercise is going to increase testosterone in your body. And that increases your drive for sex, it increases your libido. So I really encourage not just exercise. Not just any kind of exercise, but specifically strength training. So you could do squats, you could do lunges, you could do you know, push ups, there’s just so many strength training exercises that you don’t need any equipment at all. And you can do it in your living room, literally. But just get on something where you start doing a few pushups a day, you just start doing a few things. Excuse me, my toddler is in the background making noise. So

12:36
anyway, but get some exercise going get some testosterone pumping in your body. And, you know, it’s so funny people will comment about my husband’s physique, every now and then. Because he has a pretty great physique. But you know, he has, I don’t know if he’s ever gone to a gym maybe once or twice when we were dating, but he just does, you know, sporadic exercises, he’ll just every now and then do pull ups on the pull up bar, or he’ll just randomly Do you know, 10 push ups here or there. And he has got, he’s had a six pack since since I’ve known him recently, it’s gotten a little bit less, but he will he and I laugh about that he wouldn’t mind me sharing that with you. But the point is that he has only ever done sporadic exercises, but those things work. So just start wherever you are, just start doing some kind of exercises, just like literally just to get your libido a little higher. The other thing I would suggest is not letting too much time go by between making love. Like, let’s just say your husband doesn’t specifically have a very, very high sex drive. Even so just so your drive doesn’t go down, make sure that you are making love regularly. Okay, so the next thing I want to talk about is in the moment. So let’s say you are doing all the right things, you’ve got an internal schedule, you are exercising even a little bit. And you’re not letting too much time go by, what can you do in the moment to get yourself in the mood in the zone? Right? I’ll tell you one thing, there’s a few things I’m going to talk about. But first of all, just so you know, the way a woman works is a lot of times she’s got to get her mind engaged in sex before her body responds. So that is just a little tip so that you know that even if you’re not feeling it, when you when you commit to making love in your mind and you start doing some of the things I’m going to talk about, you feel your body starts to respond. You start to secrete juices, you start to get swollen with blood flow starts going to the right places. So it it works. But you’ve got to sometimes you And often, in fact, most of the time, I would even say, depending on who you are, but most of the time, it is an act of the will first and foremost, and then your body starts to get into it. So, here are the things I want to describe in the moment. And you can do any and all of these, you know, just to to get yourself going. But let’s talk about the first one, number one, get inspired. So a lot of my podcasts actually focus on intimacy are focused on sex. So I would encourage you to listen to a podcast and what takes 30 to 45 minutes, maybe. And suddenly, you have got inspiration to get you going. So I would encourage that another thing is read a book, you know, maybe just a little couple paragraphs from a book, there’s plenty of books that we’ve recommended on the podcast, could read my book. I mean, there’s just so many things to get you going to get you inspired to make love. The next thing I would encourage is to act sexy. So if you act, a lot of times you start to feel so I recommend making getting yourself into a seductive frame of mind. So you are the one that is the seducer, you are the one starting things off. Because again, if you have that internal schedule, you know that okay, tonight is the night we’re making love. How can I get this thing started. So I encourage you just to figure out how you can can act a little sexier tonight, right? Slip into some some sexy lingerie that’s gonna get you a little spiced up. And him, I would encourage you to learn how to feel comfortable with your husband, and act sexy in front of him. So yes, lingerie, that’s something you want him to feast on your body, you want him to do those things. So you want to be comfortable in that. So that’s something you’ve got to learn to do, but grow in this way of being seductive. I’ve got a podcast, it’s just called How To Seduce him so you can search on delight your marriage calm and and find that podcast. But yeah, I would just encourage, learn how to act sexy in front of him.

17:28
Okay, so the next thing is I mentioned it a little bit, start things off. So be the initiator be the one that’s getting things started again, when you commit your mind to make love your body starts to follow. So I would encourage you, you, you don’t have to just be the receiver. I mean, a lot of times for me, I can’t always get in the mood, or it’s a lot harder for me to get in the mood when I just receive when I’m only like responding to his drive. Instead, if I’m the one that say I know his drive, I know he wants that every single night. So I am going to make myself be the be the one to start things off or be the one to start the kisses be the one to start Penny and if you’ve listened to my podcast before, you know Penny is oral sex for the man. I hate all those other words that people call it so I call it penny but be the one to start, get things going and that’s going to get you going. And the other thing I would mention is you have more options than just intercourse. So again, I would say get familiar get comfortable with other ways of making love you don’t have to just do intercourse there are other ways right so penny that’s what my book is mainly focused on becoming a master at that. That is absolutely a wonderful option A for me specifically. If you have a marriage like mine it takes actually quite a long time for intercourse it’s it’s a it’s a long, it’s a long experience every time pretty much. So Penny is a great option when I don’t have the energy to be engaged that long. So Penny is a great option for that. Another option. There’s other options that you can you know use your hands you can use other things that will allow you to still enjoy the experience together. So again, you don’t have to think oh intercourse is the only way to enjoy lovemaking together. No, there’s other things you can do. So I would encourage you to get familiar get comfortable with those other options so that you can continue to make love more frequently. Okay, so I said get inspired act sexy start things off, have more options, and the last one and probably the one that I should have mentioned first because it’s the one usually I go to first, but is pray. I, this is so often my prayer. Lord, I really don’t want to make love right now but I know this is your will help me to have the attitude helped me to have the heart help me to serve and love my husband tonight. And oh my gosh, that affects that begins to change something in my heart begins to change something in the whatever the experience and suddenly it changes what’s going on. I want to just underline once again that God cares about your love life, he made sure that when we married, he says so often in the Bible, that we are the bride of Christ. Right? It’s this love making connection, that God metaphors is our connection with him. Isn’t that so interesting? It’s such, it’s such a part of God’s will, for us to understand sex for us to enjoy sex for us to serve in sex for us to have sex when we don’t want to, for us to have sex when we do want to, for us to have sex. When hard things are going on in life for us to learn how to focus our thoughts and learn how to commit even when we don’t want to. It’s God’s will. And he wants that for you. Because it teaches us how to engage with God in a more significant way. It also teaches us the opposite of how hard and difficult and terrible unfaithfulness is, because that’s how God feels when we don’t. When we are unfaithful to him, it gives us a language for that gives us an understanding for how God feels about us. Right, that’s what this sex thing is about. And it’s more than just you and your husband. So don’t ever make the mistake of thinking that it’s just you and your husband in that bedroom. It is you and God and your husband, God cares about this very holy sexual experience between you and your spouse. And it’s a purifying experience, it is not for the faint of heart. Because every season, even the difficult seasons of passion, and I am in one, I know what it’s like SR friend, you are not alone in this even in the difficult seasons, I want to say, continue, continue this work. And a lot of times it is work. I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you, I’m not going to act like this is something that is always easy, because it’s not always easy, but it is always worth it. It is always worth it. So here is my last encouragement I want to give you would you think about the last time that you did not push yourself? And maybe your husband, you know, came close to you or, you know, told you that he wanted to make love and and and you just were like No, thank you.

23:07
Here’s what I would say. Think about how you felt after that. The distance you felt maybe even the rejection, you know that your husband felt that lack of closeness, that lack of connectedness you felt right. And I’m not saying that it’s always you always have to say yes, I’m not saying that. And I do I did mention that I want to tell you there, there are some ways to say no, in a good way. Here’s, here’s what I want to say. Make sure you say no in a kind way, in a way that’s generous to your spouse. Don’t Don’t embarrass them. Don’t make them feel bad. Don’t Don’t. Don’t make it a big deal. Do it quickly. I would say oh, no, thank you, honey, not tonight, I’m feeling pretty tired. But then so easily. So So let them know easily. Do it quickly. And number three, have a plan for when you will do it again. So I would say the next night have a plan. Right? If you’re too tired tonight, make sure you get your rest. So tomorrow you are ready. Because don’t let the time go by for that rejection, that resentment to fester. Make sure you have a plan for the next time. So again, I’m not saying that you have to do it every single time. But I will say that pushing yourself is a good thing. Many, many, many times. And like I said, I have been so many times where it’s just been an act of the will. And it’s been months and months of an act of the will. But eventually it’s going to get easier. I want to tell you that also eventually it will get easier you will get out of this zone of difficulty it will get easier but just continue. So now consider the last time you didn’t want to but you pushed yourself to start anyway. Let’s say you had that prayer and you were like Lord, I don’t want to do that. But God give me the grace and the strength to make love to my husband. And then remember the warmth of his body. Remember the closeness you enjoyed afterwards. Remember that contentment, you felt that you made the right choice. And remember, the ease of doing life together after you were unified after you were connected, you know, that was a holy moment, you know, it was worth it. So remember that hold on to that and get started. Okay, so just to reiterate, what you’re going to do for the long term, you’re going to have an internal schedule, you’re going to find out what you’re the couple, the two of you together what your schedule is going to be, you’re going to exercise you’re going to start wherever you are, right now, you’re going to start doing some squats in your living room if you have to, okay, I’m doing mine in my living room. So we’re doing them together. Well, I do them in the park, alright, I don’t do them in the living room. Sometimes I do it my live room, every now and then. Don’t let too much time go by make sure you’re doing it. And then in the moment, remember, you’re getting inspired, you’re listening to the podcast every week, or you’re reading my book. Another one is act sexy. start things off, and then have more options. And lastly, pray. Okay. And again, consider the last time you didn’t push yourself, and remember the last time you did and how worthwhile it was. So God bless you. Let me just pray for you, Father, God, if this is a woman who’s listening right now, and she’s in the throes of, of going back and forth, whether or not she should I just ask you, God, give her the grace to know that this is your will. Lord, give her the grace to start things off, give her the grace to have confidence, Lord, that this is worthwhile. Lord, help her to serve and love her spouse, let her know that this is your holy and goodwill for her life. And for her marriage right now to day or night, whatever it may be. And I just ask God that you would give her the grace to be more and more active in the bedroom and allow her marriage to be more and more unified, more and more connected more and more in line with your will In Jesus mighty name.

27:35
Thanks so much for joining today. I hope that you are inspired to go for it to have more lovemaking in your marriage, even when you don’t want to. So here is a really good time to tell you what my plan is for the next few months, we are going to be talking about more pleasure in the bedroom for you. So it’s not all about serving. Obviously, love making is a lot about enjoying and pleasure as well. So I want you to learn how to orgasm if you never have, I want you to enjoy orgasm in a greater way. I want you to enjoy other aspects of pleasure in lovemaking. So every month, there’s a topical discussion. It’s the second week of the month, and we are going to be talking about orgasm and female pleasure. So listen in this is going to be going on for a few months. So I want to allow you to talk to an expert that I have on with me who is going to discuss how to have more sexual satisfaction, more orgasms and a greater sense of fulfillment in your body. So that is what’s going to happen. So please join me. It’s going to be starting off next week. So join me back next Tuesday. And we’re going to be going like I said, into the new year 2017. Will God bless you my friend. Thank you for joining me. I love you. I am praying for you and praying for your marriage and praying for your walk with the Lord. Let’s talk next Tuesday. Bye bye.

29:09
Thanks for joining. If you’ve been inspired by this show, would you help spread the word? If you take a moment to review and subscribe others can find us more easily. Find out how to delight your marriage.com forward slash iTunes. Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion