132-S: The Most Important Piece To Amazing Intimacy with Belah Rose

7 Feb
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What You’ll Discover:

  • Why should your sex-life be amazing?
  • How do you make your sex life as exciting as it’s displayed in our culture?
  • The biggest barrier for women have to an exciting sex-life
  • Why your attitude matters
  • What your attitude means to your husband
  • Actions to take to become sexually free
  • Why it matters to God for you to have an amazing sex life

Men get turned on by something they see, women get turned on by feeling good about themselves. – Joyce Penner

You and Me Forever by Francis Chan, the book I’m reading that is wrecking me and wanting me to follow Jesus more deeply. All the proceeds from the book go directly to missions and charities.

Delight Your Husband Video Course the course I created to take a wife by the hand and give her actionable and specific knowledge & techniques to love her husband in his most intimate place and feel comfortable and sexy doing it.

Coaching with Belah

General Transcript:

  • First of all DYM Mission: we’ll be 2 years in just a couple of days
    • reflecting on the mission of DYM
    • I’m fasting and praying about it
      • if you care about this ministry and it’s eternal impact, would you pray as well?

The Most Important Piece To Amazing Intimacy

  • I want to talk about what I think is the most important thing for amazing intimacy
    • Why is amazing intimacy important?
      • sex unifies
      • it is you becoming one flesh
      • how many times does it talk about a man and woman leaving their mother and father and joining together and becoming one flesh
      • it’s all about unification
      • it’s also about all the things you think it is
      • but to me it’s the most compelling reason, to unify a husband and wife
    • why should it be amazing?
      • sex is powerful
      • how many times does it say in the Bible “don’t commit adultery?” many times…do a search
        • why?
        • not because you should beat your husband over the head that he shouldn’t do such things…
          • its because the lure is that great, God is saying, I get that sex is that vital to you, I need to remind you though that it’s not worth it
          • in Proverbs it even says adultery destroys a man’s soul
      • but God gives us the antidote to sexual temptation…get a wife
        • so she can fulfill your drive for intimacy
        • Prov 5:19
          • Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.
        • be satisfied by your wife
      • let me remind you how powerful sex is
        • the wisest man in all the earth was brought down but it’s lure
          • he had hundreds of wives and stopped following the true God because it
          • God understands how powerful sex is…
      • rest of Prov 5:19
        • may you ever be intoxicated with her love.
    • let your love making be intoxicating
  • question: How to make your sex life exciting
    • question
      • Someone reached out to me via email (something you’re welcome to do at belah@delightyourmarriage.com if you have a question or an idea for a topic or interest in intimacy coaching) with a question:
      • a question he and other pastors “should a couple view porn to learn to make their sex more exciting?” (let me remind you…these were pastor discussing this…you may be shocked and horrified, but lets try to understand how important men who seek to be faithful to their wives…how important wonderful intimacy is to them)
    • how do you make your sex life as exciting as it’s displayed in porn?
      • but it’s not just porn, exciting sex is displayed all over the place
        • you and I both know that exciting sex out-side of marriage is glorified everywhere: from movies to music to advertisements
        • it’s shown as thrilling to
          • flirt with an attractive stranger at the bar
          • hookup with the hottie at a party
          • have sex with the guy you just started dating
      • the message is clear: casual sex with just anyone is hot, steamy, and the most satisfying
        • and that’s what we are fed is an “exciting” sex life
      • but isn’t that sin?
        • I do think it’s sin, I think sex outside of marriage is sin and viewing it is sin. I think God designed it solely for a husband and wife.
      • but, one of the focal missions of DYM, is to empower marriages to live out the oppposite: that actually, love-making in marriage is better and far more satisfying than sex outside of marriage
        • God wants our sex lives to feel exciting and passionate and fun and flirtatious, and holy and supremely fulfilling
        • so how do you make your sex amazing in your marriage?
    • to be clear: having a partner who has an active addiction, is violent or adulterous…those relationships require boundaries (great book Boundaries in Marriage) and I believe would most benefit from therapy
      • another book I was just recommended but am excited to dive into: The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope by Leslie Vernick
    • Well what IS an exciting sex life?
      • I think there could be a variety of answers, maybe its
        • Special techniques
        • Variety of places
        • Unusual situations
        • Sex appeal
        • Specific or unique positions
        • But, I think the most important is: the sexual freedom of a wife
          • I think the best way of explaining that is a woman with a confident, seductive, playful and enthusiastic attitude for love making
      • Attitude
        • My resources and coaching focuses on a woman’s sexual freedom and point to it because genuine satisfaction in all the other aspects of amazing intimacy depends on the attitude, in my opinioin
    • Barrier to amazing intimacy
  • Why attitude matters:
  • What your attitude means to your him
    • this attitude thing is certainly not all about him, you’ll enjoy sex far more when you’re sexually free
      • but it may be necessary for you be motivated to take the first steps towards sexual freedom FOR HIM and eventually your enjoyment will grow
        • something has to happen first
    • and he actually feels most pleasure from sex when he sees you’re receiving the most pleasure
  • First lets examine What are your attitudes towards sex?
  • The ideal attitude:
    • he wants you to want to make love to him
    • excited to make love
    • feel sexy and confident in your own body
    • Happy to be seductive
    • playful and enthusiastic about love making
    • love his body
    • variety of positions
    • teasing with your body
    • seducing with planned and spontaneous lovemaking
    • get turned on by the thought of making love to him
    • How to shift your attitude:
      • lets consider these examples again: how do you shift your attitude in other contexts?
        • how can the child shift his attitude?
          • recognize the love, joy and guidance the child receives from you, his parent
          • recognize the value in you, and what he’d miss if you were gone
        • how can the employee shift her attitude about work?
          • Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for people Col 3:23
          • be grateful that this job puts a roof over her head and supplies the food on her table
          • wants to point people towards Jesus based on her enthusiastic and loving demeanor
        • how can you shift your attitude about chores?
          • doing the dishes doesn’t seem so hard when you consider those who don’t have food to eat and thus nothing to clean
      • are you seeing the parallels?
  • Actions
    • Ask for help: prayer
      • Lord I ask you to give me a great attitude about love making to my husband. God help me to crave him physically. Lord help me to change in this area so I can love him deeper the way you want me to.
    • Aim for pleasure: learn to understand your body and experience deep, true pleasure from sex
    • make yourself happy
    • Apply faith: affirmations-get your body into it
      • I’ll have fun and enjoy myself
      • I am excited to make love to him tonight
      • I love that he craves my body and our intimacy
      • I love the man I married
      • Aren’t I faking it?
        • authenticity many times has to start with faith
          • when was the last time you felt threatened by a stranger until you took a step of faith and said good morning
          • or put a smile on your face at a party until you eventually did feel happy
          • or had to give someone a gift to start liking them
          • or had to will yourself out of the bed to eventually greet a beautiful day that you had to by faith say to yourself was going to be a good day
          • (as much as it’s up to us, we have to decide our moods before we have them)
          • “one of the problems is people listen to themselves more than they talk to themselves”
    • Apply effort: put yourself out there
      • you’ve got to start moving towards how you want to feel
      • you will not feel sexy at first
        • in fact you’ll probably feel silly, ridiculous and it’ll probably be really scary
      • you’ve got to act your way into feeling
  • Remember
    • Only person he and you get to experience this with
    • When you were dating you craved it
    • Pursue your own pleasure–orgasm series
  • So if you’re struggling with the following attitudes shift them to…
  • Again my action items for you:
    • Ask for help: pray
    • Aim for pleasure: learn to understand your body and experience deep, true pleasure from sex 
    • so an enjoyable sex life means that you’re enjoying your life 
    • Apply faith: affirmations
    • Apply effort: change your attitude