Have you struggled with feelings of shame or guilt in the marriage bed? I certainly have. Part of my motivation for starting this site was to help women break through the wrong thinking that has held them back from feeling fully free in intimacy. Without true guidance the transition from being a chaste, single lady to a sexy, spontaneous spouse can be challenging. Below, I want to give you my thoughts to free you from these inhibitions. I truly believe God wants you to feel free in your marriage bed.
1. God Commanded and Designed It.
God made sex. He made it for husbands and wives. This is His idea. He told Adam and Eve first and foremost to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth. It is impossible to follow this command without sex…and a lot of it! Getting pregnant is not like eating an orange. Once you swallow the fruit your body uses the vitamin C, juices, and nutrients to fill your body’s needs. God made the making of babies different. Once the semen enter the woman, she is not necessarily pregnant. It depends on the time of the month, her hormones, her level of relaxation, his fertility and on and on. God specifically designed the process of getting pregnant to require a lot of love making. And yet, God’s first command: be fruitful and multiply (Gen 1:22).
Further, God had no parameters around sex with Adam & Eve, except to do it so much so that you are filling the earth. That’s a lot of “knowing each other” in the biblical sense. It wasn’t until more recent centuries that we started classifying sex as “oral”, “anal”, “penetration” etc. Notice how these categories do not show up in the Bible? In Bible times all those terms were part of the same experience called “sex” or “knowing” their spouse. So, if you are concerned that these different flavors of love making are sin, I would clarify it this way. In Bible times, they would have never asked the question “is ___ type of sex with my husband a sin?” The question would have had to be “is sex with my husband a sin?” and the answer is of course, no.
2. Your Parents May Have Made A Mistake
Growing up, my best friend’s mom was extremely tight-lipped about sex. Every time my friend would ask a sex-related question, my friend would receive a disgusted expression and that ended the conversation. Once my friend and I wrote a list of innocent questions we wanted to know about boys. Yes they were mostly about specific anatomy. My friend’s mom found the list and gave her a harsh and guilt-ridden reprimand and grounded her for the week. Such messages undoubtedly affected my friend later in life. If the same mother teaching you right from wrong is telling you sex is bad, how do you shake this off when you’re married?
Though I’m sure your parents meant well, silence about sex did not help you. They probably wanted to dissuade us from exploring before we were married, but instead it probably has given you a very poor understanding of what is ok in the marriage bed. If your parents responded to your curiosities and questions negatively, that has affected you. As an adult, you need to realign your heart with what God says is true and right for your marriage and sex is part of that.
3. Your Past May Be Distorting Your View of God’s Gift.
Sex is all around us. The majority of films, stories, and novels feature characters who are having sex outside of marriage. This is not God’s intended purpose for sex. Anyone involved in that should feel guilty. However, I think Christians (women especially) sometimes respond inappropriately. Many times our first exposure to sex was unfortunately through R-rated films or pornography. But, just because porn may have been a person’s first exposure to the visuals of sex, we should not think that those variations of making love are sinful when it is in the right context. Do not let the sin of the world discolor for you God’s perfect will for sex in your marriage. Ask God to help you to see sex as holy and righteous with your husband.
4. It Brings Unity Like Nothing Else.
God made sex incredibly interesting to all of us, even to children. I think it’s because He wants us to value this gift and utilize it as a support for our entire lives. Sex first and foremost brings unity to a couple. It’s secondary purpose is pleasure. When my husband and I are making love on a consistent basis, we are unified like no other time. Basking in the after glow together always gives me a sense of how incredibly beautiful and connecting the experience is.
5. An Awesome Marriage Makes Serving & Loving Others Easier.
When I was dating my now husband, I remember our dating relationship was so self-centered and self-serving. All I thought about was him or myself. We were rarely caring or thoughtful of anyone outside of our relationship. Though we dated for over two years I can scarcely recall one time that we helped another person sacrificially. We were at a very different place spiritually than we are now, and that of course is a large factor. But I feel when sex is in the right context of marriage, it empowers a couple to have whole-hearted intimacy and the love spills out to serve others. Now, as married people who are following Jesus, I feel our love and serve to others abound. It’s part of our posture together to serve others. But it flows out of a marital love that is so strong and trusting. Our strong marital love gives us capacity to love others more.
That is truly God’s plan for married people. Paul admonishes singles to stay single, but if they are burning with passion they should get married in 1 Corinthians 7:8-9. I think Paul is pointing out that you can do a lot for God when you are single, so stay that way. But if you are unable to focus and feel a desire to have a husband, then go for it, only so you can stop being distracted and get on with the more important work God has laid out for you.
6. Sex Is A Support To Your Marriage.
When marital intimacy is generous and regular it supports the entire marriage. I pray that anyone struggling with guilt or shame in their intimacy would take the time to pray it through, study God’s word, read solid Christian books, and get to a place of freedom in this area. There is a sweet peace and incredible joy that God gives when you understand His true purposes of this incredible gift called sex!