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Hi there! Belah here. Today I have Part II of my interview with Chris Taylor from forgivenwife.com. Chris shares bravely about how serving her husband (at first just to fill his need) has become an incredible place of joy for her as well! Chris is a self-proclaimed feminist (so am I) and she says it’s important for a wife to serve him in the bedroom. She shares the hard work she’s put into improving their marriage, including how she used “stealth growth opportunities” on her husband every chance she got. Listen as she explains how it’s absolutely alright to let loose and be vulnerable; and that in those vulnerable moments, the most tremendous spiritual aspects of intimacy come into play.

 

You’ll Discover:

• That she often had the drive physically but the relationship and emotions were so bad that she remained in a sexless marriage for 20 years
• That even a feminist should be making love to their husbands!How their marriage does not look any different on the outside, but definitely feels a whole lot better behind the scenes
• Once Chris and her husband let go of old patterns and recentered on their intimate relationship, they became closer to God
• How she explains that life is not perfect, and we don’t always have control; and it’s okay to let loose
• That vulnerability could be scary, but is perfectly fine when shared with your husband, whom you know is the one person you can trust and rely on
• How Chris believes that sex is the means that will connect her and her husband when that emotional connection is truly needed
• That growth is not just something you do when something is broken
• Sometimes when neither of she or her husband are in the mood, they have sex for the marriage.

 

Resources Mentioned: (clickable image)

• The Generous Wife by Lori Byerly (the-generous-wife.com)
  • The blog that is not just about sex, it’s about heart.
• 
  • The Respect Dare: 40 Days to Deeper Connection with God and Your Husband by Nina Roesner

 

Tweetables:

• Before I was married, sex was very much just for the men. I never saw it as something that met my needs and it very much does. But in order to get to that point where I could see that, I had to go through a season of “sex for my husband”.
• If you look at sex within the larger goal of having a great marriage, then sex for your husband’s sake is a good step. Just don’t stop there.
• Once I decided it was okay to let loose, sex changed dramatically.
• When those walls are down, and it’s just God-husband-wife, it’s a tremendous experience.
• When our marriage became more intimate, our young adult kids could tell.
• Healthy doesn’t mean perfect. But it means you can get through it ok.
• Working on sex for his sake removed the primary tension in our marriage, then we could work on the rest of it
• I have always had a strong sex-drive physically but I just didn’t want to have sex with my husband because the relationship and the emotions trumped my physical drive.
• There is no one on this earth, other than my husband, who has seen me in my full sexual glory as a wife.
• He has forgiven me for hurting him and rejecting him for nearly 20 years. And that is the best example of Christ that anyone has ever shown me.
• Its not just that he wants sex, it’s that he wants to be with you.
• Everything I’m working on through my marriage, I am now seeing how it parallels my relationship with God in so many ways.
• Jesus said feed my lambs and sometimes thats one lamb at a time.
• Sex is the path for emotional connection for many men.

Thanks for listening! I hope you are encouraged to live in wholehearted intimacy!

 

Love,

Belah

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Transcript

0:00
to light your marriage episode 19

0:04
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast, this show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah rose.

0:21
Hello, hello, this is belah. And I just want to thank you so much for joining me today, you are in for a treat. Oh my gosh, Chris has some awesome insights to share. And I also just want to thank you, for those of you and there’s a lot of you that join me on the webinar on Tuesday night. It was awesome. And, you know, it was just so cool to be there live with you and hear your feedback and your responses to questions and, you know, get a sense of how things are going and actually get a chance to connect on our on a real way. And that was just awesome. And I got some really great emails back of like, last night was different and these kinds of things. And I’m just so grateful because you know, good marriages mean good lives and, and tighter relationship with God and more work for the kingdom. I mean, there’s just so much good, good family dynamics, it’s just, you know, better easier to wait raise kids. I mean, there’s just infinite reasons that marriages are supposed to be really strong. And, and God loves that. So I’m just really grateful that a lot of people found this webinar helpful. And if you are sad that you missed it, I just want to give you a heads up. The next one is going to be April 25. That is a Saturday, I got some feedback that Saturday would be easier for moms and that kind of thing. So give your husband the kiddos for that, you know, little hour and a half of time and and meet me there, you can sign up at delight your marriage.com/webinar or just go to delight your marriage.com and click on the link that talks about the webinar. But I really would love to have you. Again, I really go into why sex is good in your marriage. Biblically, I talk a lot about scripture, honestly, you’d be surprised how much you can pull out from the Word of God and how really spicy it is. So I’d love to have you there. And I just wanted to mention, those of you that have already reached out to me via private messages and that kind of thing. I just want to thank you so much. It means so much to me to hear from you. And I want you to also know that anything you send to me is completely and utterly confidential. I may dance into the other room where my husband is and let him know I got some positive feedback. But I don’t give names and I don’t give details. I’m that serious about your trust. And I just endeavor to honor the fact that you let me into your life and your ears every, you know, twice a week. It’s just such an honor to be in your life and to and to speak into it. Okay, I really want to dive into Chris’s second half of the interview, the first interview, she shares her heart about how the marriage was sexless for 20 years, and how that switched. And then this episode she’s really talking about the whys. The why would that switch when when she was you know, an educated, independent, fully capable woman? Why would all the sudden sex be important for her and I’m telling you what it is good good stuff. I hope that you take notes or you can see my notes at you know, delight your marriage calm. But if God is speaking to you about this topic, and you hear something that really rings true to you write it down. Because honestly, the way we change is through repetition and it is a process but sometimes you need to hear something two and three times sometimes you need to say it over in your heart sometimes you need to pray through it. Sometimes you need to journal about it if you feel provoked by this episode. And I bet I’m betting that you will, I need you to go ahead and take that leading of the Holy Spirit and get changed girlfriend, you are not done God is not done with you. So enjoy. It’s just awesome

4:11
so I want to ask a little bit just to kind of switch gears a bit just to share with us maybe in 60 seconds what your marriage looks like now and how someone can look from where they’re standing now maybe in a really tough word in their marriage, like what can be possible

4:26
without a voice 60 seconds to that pressure. Now I have my brain is blank. Our marriage doesn’t look like any different than it used to in some ways. It’s a lot of this behind the scenes stuff. Although, you know, we have three young adult kids and they all knew when something was was different. Because you know mom and dad are laughing together more. And I think it’s not that we just that we got rid of some of those those old patterns. It’s that we kind of got We centered together in what our marriage should be. And, you know, we pray together now, which we’d never ever did. And so we have a more prayerful spiritual relationship. It’s we just enjoy being with each other. And we have very good friends who, you know, they’ve noticed that something’s better. And it’s not anything that people can put a finger on, it’s just that we see more like, we’re a unit. Now, instead of two separate people who happen to be married. So yeah, I mean, it’s just, it’s, it’s the way marriage is supposed to be in it took me you know, more than 20 years to figure that out. But even after all that time, we did it, we figured it out. And here we are, and we still struggle. But we also know, we have more tools for making it work.

5:55
Right? Right. And I love that you mentioned that it might not look different to someone else. Because often, you know, as couple covering things up and making things look nice, that aren’t nice, and that kind of thing. But I love that it sounds like though the outside look the same, the inside is totally different. And if you can imagine thinking the person’s body like you can put makeup on and make that person look gorgeous. But if you know if there’s a disease on the inside, that’s that’s tearing them apart, and not allowing them to live a whole healthy life, then it’s needed to to work on that inside part. So it sounds like at this point, you guys are healthy, inside and out, which is awesome.

6:34
Yeah, and it’s you know, healthy doesn’t mean perfect. It just means that you can get through it. And that’s okay.

6:43
Yeah, it thank you for sharing that. You’re right. I don’t think we end up getting to a spot in our marriage. We’re like, well, there’s nothing more to do. We’re done here.

6:53
And, you know, it’s interesting, because my husband, for some reason, has this idea that growth is something that you do only when you’re broken. And so you know, I’ll say Honey, how can we grow together in his responses? Why what’s wrong? Right. And so I just have to do what I call stealth growth opportunities. Where, you know, I’ll ask him questions, and you know, he’ll, are you trying to make me grow again, honey humor for the blog. It’s professional development. So, you know, but I, now that I’ve realized how much I’m not right. And I elbow I hate saying those words. All these years that I was convinced that I was right, and that I was not the problem. coming face to face with the reality of I was, I wasn’t the only problem. You my husband certainly contributed to our problems. But the fact that I was half of that, though, that was hard, because I am always right. And I don’t like to say that I wasn’t. And that is very humbling. But the fact that I am able to say that now to my husband, like what you mean, you admitted you’re wrong, that’s never happened before that has made that has made him a little more open to all these, you know, stealth growth opportunities that I provide for him.

8:24
Right? Yes. I love that these SGS. Exactly. That’s excellent. I love it. You know, I think something that’s been helpful in our marriage is that we now have a culture of saying you’re right. And so I just laugh so often when I’m wrong, because it’s very frequently, but I think it was just yesterday, we were walking someplace. Yeah, that’s what it was. We were walking someplace. And we live in the city. And there was a whole lot of construction. We were trying to go to the river. And there was so much construction that we ended up walking down 12 blocks in order to get across and then walk back up 12 blocks, and we just gone the direction that my husband had suggested we would have actually had to walk about half a block.

9:05
Oh, I was humbling.

9:09
Exactly. It was one of those things that Okay, you’re right again. Yeah, I know. I Yeah. It’s, it’s, you know, thankfully, it was our rest day. So we actually had the whole day to, to kind of relax and just enjoy. So we tried to chalk it up to that, but it was, that’s the kind of thing I think, thank God, that’s been a huge help in our marriage to have this culture of You’re right. You’re right. You’re so right. I’m glad I married us such a smart man, you know, if you just kind of shifted into a little bit of a different gear of it’s a game and let’s get a one point for my husband, you know, those kinds of things. It just, it helps it helps a lot. So,

9:46
yeah, and you know, every couple I think has to figure out a way to make those things work and you know, so many women are perfectionist and want to control and you know, so much of life is out of control. And the one thing that we often feel we can control is the intimacy in our marriages. And it’s so hard to let that go. And that was one of one of the battles that I felt, you know, so much in life was out of control. And I had gone through a bout of depression. And, you know, it’s like, I came out of this fog, and I had no idea, you know, my, my house was a mess, and my marriage was a mess. And I just wanted to get control over everything again. And, and I think that that was a really difficult thing, to let go of that control and let my husband have some of it, to let God half have it back. You know, so many women have all these problems with control, and we want, we want to have control and be able to control our environment. That’s, you know, sort of, you know, God made us to want to be able to do that. And that’s okay, the problem is that we so often never let go. And I think that for so many women, one of the problems with sex, men truly immersing themselves in the sexual experience, is that we don’t want to let go, because we’ll lose control of ourselves. And that vulnerability of that moment. We’re just so afraid to go there. Yeah. And, you know, when I think about that, for so long, that was one of the pieces of me withholding myself sexually from my husband, even when we were you know, even when I would agree, okay, fine, we’ll have sex. I wasn’t fully there. Because I was afraid of where I would go if I really let loose. And once I decided that I, it was okay for me to not have to control that moment. Yeah, sex changed dramatically. And I think, you know, I used to not really want sex, because it wasn’t all that great for me. But now, it’s so different, because I am able to trust my husband, and trust God, and the walls are completely gone between my husband and me now. So the vulnerability isn’t as scary because it’s just always there. And I know that he’s reliable. And he’s the one person on this earth that I can completely let go with. And it is, it’s almost like those are the moments when the spiritual aspects of intimacy really come into play. Yeah. And in those moments of truly letting go, God is there too. And I know that there probably someone listening, shocked. What do you mean, God’s not there during sex? Oh, yeah, he is honey. He’s very much there. And it’s those moments where you completely have those walls down. And that it’s God, husband and wife, and it’s just tremendous, amazing experience.

12:57
Yes, exactly. Exactly. I mean, it’s almost natural to thank God after the experience, because it’s just so it’s so dramatic and wonderful. And he designed it that way. I want to ask, you are clearly so analytical, and so you know, thoughtful about your actions and your words, and, you know, your walk with Christ and everything. I’m interested, when things changed, or before things changed, I mean, so it’s kind of a mixed between, you know, I kind of have a thought process that some of the feminist movement, which is so, so helpful, and giving so many women freedom, and in so many ways, but I think there’s a concern that it could, it may have given women this understanding that, you know, if you value sex in your marriage for your husband, you’re being a lesser partner. And I’m interested in your thoughts on that, how, if someone’s struggling in that area, how can they shift their perspective? How would you say?

13:57
Well, you know, it’s interesting, because I’ve always considered myself a feminist, although most feminists probably wouldn’t consider me one. I don’t agree with everything. And I certainly don’t agree with a lot of the approaches. And I’m not I think I’m not as strong in some regards, as I used to be with some feminist views. But, you know, I worked out, I was the primary breadwinner for much of our marriage. And so you know, all these things about women in the workplace and equality and all of that I, you know, they’ve just been part of my life, and they have served our family very well. And my husband’s very supportive of those things. One of the things that God really used to pull me back to him was a few months after I started my blog. I participated with several other bloggers on the respect there. I have always been very disrespectful of my husband. I mean, you know, I’m the one who would snipe at him in public and who would disagree with him in front of the kids and me He was just horrible. And I knew that that was one of the things I needed to work on. And it wasn’t, I wasn’t thinking about it in terms of I have to learn to submit. It was basically I have to learn to be nice to him. And so once you’re the respect to dare process very reluctantly, because I was afraid that it was going to turn me into a doormat kind of wife, and I thought, I can’t do that. That’s not me. And I looked for, you know, anti feminist propaganda in the book and didn’t find anywhere, and I was looking for it. What it did was, you know, it helped my marriage, but it really helped me see where I was not trusting God. And, you know, it’s, it’s so hard, because I think about all the things, you know, I started dealing, addressing sex for my husband, because I knew it was one thing that mattered to him. And, you know, I feel kind of weird, but I, you know, and I tell women, well, you know, your husband needs sex, so give him sex, because at the same time, sex is not for him, it’s for the wife to and it’s for the marriage. And sometimes I feel like I’m giving these contradictory messages that sex is, for most men, it is the primary means where that emotional connection happens. So when I was rejecting my husband sexually, because we didn’t have the emotional connection, I was also rejecting the very thing that would give me the thing I wanted. So, you know, I think it’s really a tough thing, because we want, you know, we know that for most men, sex is a really important thing. And that shouldn’t be the only benefit, or the only reason that we decided to work on sex. But it was where I started. And once he was getting the sexual connection that he needed, things changed in our marriage. And then I was able to see the benefits to me, you know, the relationship grew. Because once he was sexually content, he wasn’t tense anymore. We weren’t having the sex arguments. We were laughing again. We just working on sex for his sake, removed the primary source of tension in our marriage. And then once that was gone, we could work on the rest of it. And one of the things that I learned, so as I was feeling more emotionally connected to him, because he wasn’t pulling himself away all the time, I realized that I was really enjoying sex, too. And the truth is, well, many women say, you know, I just don’t have much of a sex drive. I, you know, I know several other women are like this, too. I actually have always had a very strong sex drive, physically. But I just didn’t want to have sex with my husband, because the relationship and the emotions trumped by physical drive. So interesting, it will give you it just kind of weird, because it’s just goes against what we think. But I do know, some other women who have had that same experience, where physically, they had the urge for sex, but the relationship got in the way.

18:28
Wow, that’s amazing. It’s so so for husbands to hear, you know,

18:33
in for some women, you know, it very much is about a low libido. And then, you know, there are still ways to work on that. But yes, you know, for me, it was the big factor was that our relationship and our emotional connection just weren’t happening, right. And once they were, that I started to really love sex for myself again, and it was sort of, you know, full circle that, you know, at first, before I married, sex was something I did just for men, and I never thought of it as something that met my needs. And it very much does. But in order to get to that point where I could see that I had to go through the season of sex for my husband. And so I think that, you know, it’s really frustrating because, you know, we don’t, you know, it sounds so awful to say, just do sex for your husband. Right? And I think if that’s your only goal, it’s a problem. But if you look at that as a means to a larger goal of working on your marriage, and having the kind of have healthy sexual intimacy that a marriage needs, right, sex for your husband sake, is a good step. Just don’t stop there. And I think that’s one of the things that when I think about what really worked with the growth in my marriage, it was the ones things were okay, I did Stop, it would have been okay to say, okay, my husband’s happy. That was my goal, or not fighting about this stuff anymore, I’m done. But I kept going, and saying, Well, what else can I do next? And that’s what kind of pulled me toward that continual growth in God. And now I’m at a point where I very much see that sex is not just for my husband at all, it’s, in fact, there are some times when, you know, we’ve had a couple situations over the last couple years where we’re just, you know, we’ve been so stressed. And I’ll go to my husband, and I’ll say, you know, I don’t really feel like having sex. And he’s, he’ll say, I mean, either. And I’ll say, but you know, what, our marriage needs us to have sex. So let’s go try to figure it out. And neither, neither of us will be particularly in the mood. But we know that sex is the means that will connect us the best, in a way, you know, at a time when we really need that connection.

21:02
That’s right. And God is just designed, it’s so amazingly that that actual physical release that physical thing, just I love that you mentioned earlier that acting before you believe it often. And and that’s that’s generally I think, how, how I get myself to kind of make some moves that I maybe not even physically feeling, and yet, I know what needs to happen. And I love also, I think some women will balk at, you’re sharing exactly what you speak to your husband about, I think we should have sex, I don’t really feel like it. But let’s go do it. I think some women don’t even use that language.

21:37
And I didn’t use to, yes, which in the thing is that? I think the more you know, every, every time I’ve had a positive sexual experience with my husband, it’s sort of added to my repertoire of understanding that, okay, you know, I didn’t really feel like it. But you know, with many women, you don’t really feel like until after you’re already doing it in so many times, they go okay, well, I know, I’ll get into it if we can just get started. But my husband and I have both seen many times where just the experience of being sexual together, has helped and, okay, my husband and I are both 50 years old. 50 year old bodies don’t work like 25 year old bodies do. And so there are times when we will be sexual together and nothing happens for either one of us. Things just don’t you know, our bodies just are not in the mood even though our intentions are good. And so there have been some times we’re thinking well, okay, so did we actually have sex or not? Because you know, what, neither one of us got that release. Right? In, you know, that that releases in the oxytocin that comes through orgasm is so important, but it’s not the only thing, that time of vulnerability with each other. And that, you know, the nakedness that is both physical and emotional, yes, that builds intimacy. And even if all we’re doing is just making out with no intention of completion, that still helps the marriage grow. Because it makes us more intimate with each other. And plus, it, you know, builds a little sexual tension makes the next time a little bit more productive. So so, you know, it’s even, there’s been a couple times when we, you know, I’ve said to him, you know, let’s just, let’s just go lie in bed naked and watch TV. And that, and that will be enough. And it is, it’s just that nakedness with each other. And, you know, so we put so much attention on orgasm, which is a wonderful invention of God, thank you. But it isn’t the only benefit of sexual intimacy in a marriage.

24:07
That’s so true. And I love that in the Bible, it talks about Adam knew his wife, and they’ve got so and so. Or it’s always knowing the other person. And that’s the same actually kind of circle back to something we were talking about earlier. That same word, I believe it’s pronounced yada, is, is the same knowing that we have of God. And so, yeah, orgasm is great. You’re so right. But there’s a lot more to knowing your husband than just that, you know, relief that that thing and I and, and, and the sexual experience. Was is like I said, that knowing is it. We don’t need to categorize that is the sex. Is it not? Is it perfect? It’s not gonna it’s a yes, and it’s perfect, and it’s messy, and it’s funny, and it’s embarrassing, and it’s unique and it’s vulnerable, and it’s lots of sounds and

24:57
all those things together. And as much as there was this promiscuous stage in my life and my past, there is no one on this earth other than my husband who has seen me in my full sexual glory as a why. And that is such a different thing than what any other man ever saw in me. And once I could let go of that control, and truly just let myself go, I, I’m a 50 year old, you know, middle aged woman who’s gained way too much weight and have stretch marks all you know, I said, I had, I was pregnant with twins. So, you know, nobody wants to look at this body, except my husband. And it’s, you know, we have all these body image issues. And you know, I’ve got just as many body image issues as any other woman, but not with my husband. And when he looks at me, and you know, he gets this little twinkle in his eyes, I am completely comfortable with him naked, both of us naked, I won’t let anybody else see certain things, but you know, with him, I can just, you know, if the kids are out of the house, we can close the curtains and call it a Nicky day. And it just, it just relax. I know, you know, I never thought that I would look forward to my kids leaving and you know, now I’m thinking Come on, people find your own apartments get out of here. In You know, it’s, it’s non sexual, but it’s a very intimate to just be naked with the one person who’s ever really seen me that way.

26:44
Man, I love that. And it’s so it’s so like our relationship with God, there’s no one else that we can be as vulnerable with no one that can know, our hearts so deeply. I mean, I just love that set this up to teach us about our oneness with God, in our marriage. That’s beautiful. Now, I think we could talk so much more about this topic. But I do want to kind of move to those next questions. And we might have okay, we might have to do a couple sentences for each. But would you share what you think are the three cheap things that your marriage that have been central to your marital success?

27:20
Well, you know, this is one where I’ve, I think, really, it’s just one thing, and that’s persistence. The not giving up, you know, the that whole first year when I felt like I was fighting against my husband, just to try to do what he’d been begging me to do. I persisted. And I think persistence, even after you get to your point of, you know, where your goal is, I think, you know, the fact that even after things got fixed, I didn’t stop that there’s a, you know, just I persisted, and I kept going, and I’m still going, and I’m still growing and learning. And I think Grace is another thing, that I had to give myself a lot of grace and accept God’s grace. And accept my husband’s forgiveness. I mean, he’s a very forgiving man. And I heard him and rejected Him for nearly 20 years. And he’s completely forgiven me for that. And that is the best example of Christ that anyone has ever shown me. The persistence and grace. So that’s only two things.

28:32
That’s great. Yes, I love that. So we’ve talked a lot about intimacy, and you’ve given some wonderful tips so far about sex. And oh, the other thing I wanted to mention before I forget, is that you shared that intimacy with your husband being more than just a euphemism for sex, which I think is brilliant. Because, yeah, we can be intimate on so many levels with our honey, and if any part of our heart is closed off to him. That’s an area that needs to get opened up. Really?

29:05
Yes. Very much.

29:08
So good. Okay, so would you share a tip about sex that maybe a wife could implement, even tonight, and it may be something that you wish you would let been let in on earlier if you can?

29:24
Well, I think, maybe not a tip so much, but sex is more than an orgasm to most men. And I think that remembering that when your husband says, you know, I’m horny, or I want to have sex with you, that it’s you, you know, it’s the wife. She’s a central component. It’s not just that he wants sex, it’s that he wants to be with you. And so, you I think that’s one of the things that a lot of women really struggle with, but I did have a woman write me a couple months ago, and she, you know, she said, Well, okay, so What can I do? You know, what can I do to start working? And I said, just initiate sex with your husband. Tonight, jump in. And if that just means that he’s walking by and you reach out and grab between the legs. I know we women like to hint around, but men don’t get him as much. So reach out and grab in between the legs. You don’t have to say anything he’ll understand. Grab your husband.

30:29
There you go. Gently.

30:33
Some men? Yes, some men? Maybe not? I don’t know.

30:37
It depends. But you’re very right. The touch is an important part that you might not get the picture otherwise, so very good. Yes. That’s awesome. Can I ask you about? Maybe something we’ve touched on so far? But due to your specific marriage, how have you had the opportunity to serve God or get to know God?

30:59
Well, yeah, it’s everything I realized, you know, everything I’m working on through my marriage, I am now seeing how it parallels my relationship with God in so many ways. And, you know, it’s, you know, I said, you know, I started the blog, and I could see that, so many pieces of my life had been put together that I couldn’t see were part of a pattern that God was laying out for me. But it’s the whole, you know, let your mess be your marriage or your mess, be your message that so many people say, and that’s exactly what God has done. It’s it as I have been writing and learning and thinking so intently about my marriage, I just pulled closer and closer to God. And it’s, you know, he has put all these things together in my life to make me able to do what I’m doing. And even though, you know, some blogs get so much more traffic than mine does, and have so much broader readership. But when I get an email from one person that says, that got me thinking, or that was my aha moment, I know that that’s exactly what God wants me to be doing. One at a time.

32:25
That’s right. That’s so true. I love it. And that, you know, the cool thing about God is that we don’t know, at the end, you know, when we’re standing before him, the things that mattered most to him might be the things that mattered, mattered, least, you know, to the crowds, or whatever in this, you know, it’s just, it’s a cool thing about God, you know, that our treasures are going to be in heaven. And we’re not going to see them until we get there. So no, and you

32:53
know, I was at a writing Writers Conference last summer. And one of the speakers said, You know, Jesus said, Feed my lambs, and sometimes that’s one lamb at a time. And that’s so true, that, you know, some people the message they have, and the skills that they have, are really about reaching a lot of people at once, in my strength has always been one on one. And so the numbers are interesting, and they fascinate me when I look at my blog stats, but the truth is, every single post, I pray for one woman to be touched, and it always, I might not know, for months, but it always seems to be the case. So I write to one woman at a time.

33:41
That’s so great. Well, that’s so, so brilliant. And you can you can just hear Chris’s heart and everything that she shared. So definitely do check out her her blog, because it’s just, it’s full of the same kind of inspiring information and insights. No, can I ask you, Chris, what would be a program or a book that you could specifically recommend? And maybe even something that would help a woman that’s, that went through that same struggle that you went through?

34:08
You know, I think what I would actually suggest is a blog, the generous wife’s blog by Laurie Byerly. Because it’s not just about sex, it’s about heart. And that was, although sex was the thing that I worked on the most. It was that blog that really helped me see that there’s a spirit of generosity in that it was my heart that needed to change for my husband, not just my sexual habits. And I often suggest that women start there just to get their hearts softened and to think about marriage, the big picture of marriage, and she sometimes writes about sexual intimacy, but it’s really about an attitude of generosity for our husbands. So, the generous wife blog is where I often send women in when husbands write to me They say, Well, I want to give your blog to my wife, say until she’s ready. That’s a bad choice. But send her to Lori’s blog.

35:08
Oh, very cool. That’s good to hear. Now, just before we wrap up, if you could go back to year one of your marriage and sit yourself down, what would be one piece of advice that you would give you

35:23
to know that, to understand that for my husband, sexual intimacy was the means of emotional connection. I think that’s the one thing that so many women really don’t understand. It’s the one thing that I didn’t get that sex is the path for emotional connection for many men. And I wish I had known that about my husband. I, of course, I was so stubborn, I don’t know that I would have listened even to my future self at that point. But but that is the one thing that I think might have made a difference in my understanding, and it might have headed off some of our problems.

36:06
That’s amazing. And again, Chris has just been so generous with her insights and willingness to be open about the things past that she had to really work to change. And I just so grateful for that, Chris. So where can our audience find you specifically online?

36:23
I am forgiven wife.com. If you just Google the forgiven wife, I show up at the top of the page, apparently, which is kind of like forgiven wife.com. And then on Twitter, I’m forgiven wife. And you find my blog, you can click on, you know, Pinterest, and Facebook pages and all of that.

36:45
Very cool. Well, Chris has just been amazing, and full of goosebumps and, you know, wanting to cry at parts. And I just so grateful for your wisdom and willingness to share. Thank you so much.

36:57
Thank you so much for having me.

37:00
Absolutely. Was I right? Or was I right? That was just an awesome interview from Chris. Oh, my gosh, I just love her story. And I love her willingness to share and her humility and sharing, you know, the nitty gritty stuff that most of us would be, you know, embarrassed to say that we were wrong. And it’s time, it’s time to just suck it up and say, I’m sorry. So thank you so much, Chris. That’s just wonderful. I hope if you’re listening just, I just am so grateful for your story. It’s funny, I, my husband listened to the first half. And he said, you know, if I met her husband, I would have to shake his hand and say congratulations for making it through those 20 years. And honestly, I laughed, because I, I still don’t get how important this is to men. And literally I I should know by now, but I don’t. So if this is news to you just recognize you’re just in the very beginning of a journey, it is a journey. And I still am I’m obviously in the very beginning of a journey. And I’m learning every day and especially through my interviews, I just love how much I get to learn and discover through the experiences of these other really wise men and women that are so brave to share. All right, well, definitely check out delight your marriage.com for all the shownotes the resources, and in the link to the webinar, I’d love to have you on that one. Otherwise, I just want to spend a moment and pay if you would just do that with me. Father, I thank you so much that this wife is on the line listening right now. And God I just asked Father if she has issues understanding your perfect holy, good purposes, for sex in her marriage. God I just asked in Jesus name, that you would open her eyes, remind her that this is a gift that you gave to humanity that you created it and it’s your idea. And it’s to your glory that we engage in this gift. Lord, I pray that Chris’s message would just ring loud and clear in our hearts. Help us to understand God that this is something that we get to enjoy and get to know you better through and that might be the first step. So Lord, I just believe that you’re going to be changing people’s hearts. And I ask you to do that right now. Starting today. Amen. All right. Alright, again, I love you. Thank you so much for being here, and I’ll talk to you on Tuesday. Bye.

39:38
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion.