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Though our culture says you can “do it all”. The truth is life is about trade offs. We have limits in this life, and in order to ensure those which are off most priority are accomplished, we have to say no to the good to say yes to the best.

Today’s topic goes into this in depth. Why does it matter to your marriage? Physical intimacy, emotional intimacy and spiritual intimacy all need to take priority while most others need to take a back seat or no seat at all. How do you decide that? Lets chat together.

And I also share how I believe God is teaching me these vital lessons and how it affects DYM.

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah. Rose.

0:18
Hi there, and welcome. Thank you for joining me at the dy M Show. Not sure if you have listened in before. But this is a solo show where it’s just me just you chatting about something that matters to your marriage to your walk with God. And both of those together. So today, I’m talking about the discipline of No. Now, that could mean saying no to your spouse, it could mean saying no to yourself, it could mean saying no to other people, it could be saying no to good things that are not the best things. And I’m basically going to cover all of those. Yeah, so let’s go ahead and start off, I want to just give you a little bit of insight into how I select solo show topics. What happens is, because I do a solo show, once a month, I, I just find that, you know, I’m kind of thinking about it. And I know it’s coming. And at some point before it happens, usually a week or a couple weeks before I just I get this inspiration that lingers. And I think that’s the way I understand that God speaks to me, in an inspiration that lingers. And I’ve heard other people describe the voice of God in like, something was dropped in my spirit, or there was this inner knowing of that kind of thing. I think this is the way that God speaks to me. And and I say God speaks in a very humble way. Because I’m a mere human. Who am I to speak for the all powerful all knowing, mysterious God, I take that idea. Very, very seriously, if if I would be saying that God said, X, Y and Z so. So I just want you to know, that’s my feeble attempt of understanding God is it’s an inspiration. It’s it’s a seeking me having a seeking heart, for God will an understanding of of what he’d like me to do or say, and from that, receiving an inspiration that accords with the Bible, in my understanding of the Bible, and then it’s dekes around, it lingers. I don’t know how else to say it. It just seems like that. That inspiration just keeps coming back. It kind of pops up and like, oh, yeah, that that came to me a while back. Yeah, that that, uh, yeah, lingers is the best way to say it. So with that in mind, you know, sometimes the solo shows, I feel that with a theme of the show, and then like, I have a week or two, before the show is supposed I’m supposed to record it. And it just, you know, it kind of forms into what it is I find different examples and different ideas kind of come to me different things I read, and then it all kind of comes together and I prepare and and then record it. So that’s a theme. Sometimes it happens that it’s the title that only comes and I feel in a similar way that I slowly get the body of the message. So that was the case with this one. But it was even more than just the title. It was more of like the title and an empty gap of understanding like it was the title and like I’m like I have nothing to share. So the title The discipline of saying no, and I felt very unable to tackle it.

4:59
This inspiration came to me while I was traveling with my husband. And we were actually traveling to visit his extended family in a very remote town in another country. So I was totally outside of my comfort zone. Totally experiencing new ideas, new people, new culture, beautiful people very different from, from the culture I am used to, especially fast paced New York kind of thing. But also, and I didn’t I wasn’t raised in New York, but I’ve lived here now. So I, I was raised with like geese, and ducks and horses, and all that kind of stuff. But, you know, now that I’m in New York, I’m much more used to that. So I’ve lived in various contexts. But anyway, in this specific culture, they were very, very cut off from a lot of the things that we take for granted nowadays, in our technology for you know, overflowing world. There was no cell phone service. So no text messaging, no checking your email, on phone, no, falling asleep to a video, no waking up and checking your Facebook, I mean, none of that. But they did have the internet, but it was very slow. So and they didn’t have like a bunch of tablets and things like that to, to even access the internet, they, they might have had some but I didn’t see very many. And because it was so slow, it was like why check your email when it’s so slow. So just being in that environment, it was just so refreshing. It really was not just because I didn’t have a bunch of distractions all the time, with texts and calls and whatever. But also just that these people really were able to focus on the moment and what was really going on, right, then they weren’t sitting in front of me thinking about who they need to text back, or who made a comment on a photo on social media. They, it was just, they were with you, they they interacted with you that it was very normal to have leisurely dinners, and lunches and breakfasts. It was, it was very normal. They did much less, you know, work, aside from manual labor. And it was refreshing also, because when they came home, they stopped the manual labor. And so there was no more mental labor, if that makes sense. I think in our culture, now we are so often working, when we’re not working, we are thinking about work, stress, whether it’s stress, or not just our minds kind of go back there. Because that’s what we do. While we’re at work. It’s our mind that’s rolling with the work. It’s not our hands, it’s not our, you know, shoulders the way that manual work does, you know, and in the Bible, that’s it was manual work, they were laboring with their body. Jesus was a carpenter. Jesus also lived in poverty. And, again, my husband’s extended family, it was in such a remote area that it was poverty in a lot of ways that we call poverty. But again, the the refreshing nature of it was there was space, there was space to contemplate. There were space to consider their space to recognize values. They highly valued people. I saw it over and over again. It was funny. Because, you know, my husband rarely visits. We he wanted me to be introduced to people he hadn’t seen in a long time. And so he would like knock on doors and and immediately they would welcome us in and, and pull up a chair and sit with us. And we just chit chat. And of course they have other things they’re doing. They’re very hard workers, but automatically, it’s just the value people so much.

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So I found that so refreshing. Another thing that happened was we were in a bus, this interesting bus that’s kind of smaller than a bus I’m used to and it was full, it was completely full. We even had a lot of people had groceries. And there was a family that wanted to get on the bus. And without even thinking, one of undresses relatives said, yeah, come on in. Absolutely. And so the entire bus had to move around. Children had to get on parents laps, and groceries had to shift over and the bus driver had to get out and move things over. And the whole bus accommodated this family. It was amazing. I mean, I’m from a culture where people barely scooch over in an elevator. It’s just, it’s remarkable how if we don’t have the space to focus on what really matters in this life, we’re so distracted, our default is our default is not to choose, our default is to assume that we have no choice that that what’s going on right now is most important. So if you get a text message that is most important, if someone calls you that is most important. If, if, if your boss asks you to do this, if if someone else is is asking this of you or, or you feel like you need to do it that is most important. Or if the TV’s on that’s most, I mean, we just have, I don’t feel like I’m giving enough examples to to really understand, we’re so distracted, we don’t get what is so what’s what is highest priority, we have so much distractions, we don’t even have the space to consider what’s highest priority. So I’m hoping that makes sense. I’m just kind of trying to say that space, in your mind, space is required for you. To do what God wants you to do in this life. Space is required to pray. Space is required to consider spaces required to process spaces required to just be at peace. Just be at peace. And again, Jesus lived in poverty, he walked in poverty. He didn’t have a lot of stuff to distract him. He didn’t have a lot of choices to make. It was you know, a lot of time in our in our lives, we’re like, Well, that was much easier. I’ve got a million things to do. I can’t, I can’t stop and think I can’t make decisions. And that’s the problem. You have believed a lie. I believe the enemy is distracting this generation from recognizing what truly matters.

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Because if he can distract us away from Considering the gravity of eternity while we are living than we are important to God, we are. I don’t know if that’s the right. We are unable to do what God wants us to where we’re a fallen soldier, because we are distracted.

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So I don’t know if that’s at all what you were thinking. I was gonna say with the discipline of No. But I think it’s incredibly important to recognize you are distracted, I am distracted. We are distracted. So what does it mean to be a person who is disciplined in? No? Well, I often point you to books, because I love gaining the wisdom of a person who has spent years developing and understanding and failing and making mistakes and growing and teaching and learning and processing. And all of that knowledge and wisdom is crammed into 200 pages. And I get to delve In and get it all, in only 200 pages. So that is why I love books. I love learning. I love growing. This book I’ve actually listened to, this is my third time around. And I, every time have gained very fresh insights and very timely understandings for my life. It’s called essentialism. And if this podcast resonates with you at all, I hope that you will determine in your heart even right now, to read this book. It’s really that important, I believe. So So what does it matter? So, so, what what does this have to do with your marriage at all? Well, as you know, the dy M show is really about empowering wives to live and wholehearted intimacy in their marriage. And we’ve talked a lot about it’s physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy. So this work is all about empowering you to walk with God in your marriage, in intimate connection with both. So if you cannot focus on what matters, you will not be able to achieve a fulfilling, long lasting, empowering marriage. It’s, it’s you have to be able to have the space in your life, to do the most important things. I believe those most important things are? Well, it’s hard to dumb them down. Right, but it’s in my podcast. So go back and listen to all of those podcasts and pick up the themes and and, and and figure answer this question for yourself. But I’ll definitely say physical intimacy, as a one. I’ll definitely say consistent, healthy communication as to, and I’ll definitely say, servant heartedness, willingness to release yourself, for the other. So those are three things. So there I dumbed it down for you. I wasn’t sure I could do that. So that’s what I’m challenging you to do, is to recognize in your life, where are you distracted? I didn’t mean to even bring this up. But do you remember, when Mary and Martha were Jesus was at their house, and the disciples were all there. And the disciples were sitting listening to Jesus teach, they were receiving Jesus ministering to them. They were receiving His ministry, they were spending time with him, they were connecting with him.

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And Mary, was with them. And at that time, women weren’t even permitted to be taught. The Jewish people didn’t I mean, they weren’t considered. They weren’t able to own property. If If husband wanted to divorce them, it was very easy for them him to it was they were just, it was a very low consideration of women. And I mean, very, and Jesus, not only allowed her to sit there, but when Martha, the sister that was running around, serving everyone food, preparing things, cleaning things. I mean, she was the hostess, as everyone would have expected a woman to do. When Martha rebukes her sister, for what is culturally normal, Jesus goes against color and says, Martha, you are distracted by many things. Mary has chosen the good part. And it will not be taken from her. Who? How is the good one? Again, I didn’t pre. I didn’t think about that at first. So praise God. Um, so just again, to kind of underscore some of the similarities is that Martha thought she was supposed to be doing these things. She thought people expected her to do these things. And the truth is they did all of the disciples, they weren’t defending Mary, they weren’t up helping Martha. They thought, yeah, this is appropriate. This is exactly what’s supposed to be happening. So Martha was pleasing 12 people in the room? Right? Isn’t that often what we’re nervous about? Like, if I don’t go to the soccer game and bring my son and he’s not fully dressed? Well, and, and if he has, you know, scuff marks on his, you know, shorts, and I don’t clean it out with with bleach. And if all these things don’t happen perfectly, what are they going to think? I mean, how silly is it? Right? When we try to please people. And, of course, I’m making up a scenario that has nothing to do with my life. So I can, you know, critique, and judge and whatever else, but, you know, turn the magnifying glass on myself. And I’ve got plenty of those kinds of thoughts going on in my own head all the time. So the point is, though, that Martha had, had tried to please people, she tried to do what was expected of her. She wasn’t listening to God, in Jesus Christ. She wasn’t listening to the voice that mattered, the one that matters most. And Jesus said, Martha, you are distracted, Mary has chosen the good part, and it will not be taken from her. So I want to tell you, if you are distracted, and you’re unable to do the parts that God cares about, something has got to change. And I think by God’s grace, you’re listening to this right now. Because you know, it’s true, you wouldn’t have clicked on this episode, if you didn’t know, it was true. So again, I recorded this show, and chose to go out on a limb, because I felt like God wanted me to learn this lesson. Now. And again, I I feel like I’ve learned this lesson plenty of times, but there was a gaping hole in the feeling I had when I felt that inspiration to record this. And that shows me that I am not I haven’t got it yet. I haven’t got it yet. So today, I I kind of poured out my heart to a couple of friends and and I really got some great insight that I wasn’t expecting because I had been writing lists of like things that I do and things that take my time and things that are

23:43
that I just need to stop and a lot of them were very practical things like check Facebook only once a week or check text messages twice a day and check email once a day and you know some things with work that you know, instead of making agendas perfect and beautiful instead just put them in the calendar invite and just different things that I could cut out that I don’t need to be doing and putting all this pressure on myself to make it perfect. Then those were good things but it didn’t feel freeing. Like I felt like I needed it to it didn’t feel like I was releasing this. This weight of too much going on too much in my mind too much commitment too much stuff. Again, stuff whether it’s mental or literal. Maybe it’s too much stuff in your apartment. I’ve actually I purged a bunch of stuff last night in my apartment because I like it’s just too much. And literally, really, that makes a big difference just so you know. So if it that could totally be an area of change that you need to be making so. But the third way, so the first way was physical things, like things I need to stop doing. I guess that’s not physical things. But you get the point of like, maybe commitments that I had made that I needed to just stop, I needed to end that commitment, whether it was a relationship, or whether it was something I had committed to do whatever that means to you. Consider what you’re committed to, and consider if you need to end those things. The second thing is the physical things in your house, your apartment, your space, actually ending those things. And then the third thing, which again, was something I hadn’t considered until a friend mentioned, what about the things? Almost like, what are what about the expectations you have of yourself? Maybe it’s your values, maybe it’s your goals? Like what are the things that you’re committing yourself two, that are interfering with what’s most important. And if you’re trying to figure this out, if you’re trying to sift through, like, Well, how do I decide what commitment? What item of clothing what? You know? value do I need to get rid of, at least in this season? Maybe not forever, but at least right now? How do I decide that? Again, in that book essentialism, one thing he talks about is, if it’s not, or you, you say no to the good. So you can say yes, to the best. Another way of saying it, is if it’s not, well, I don’t know who said it, but someone said if it’s not Hell, yeah, it’s no. I think that’s hard to like, totally put into the Christian context. But you understand, like, if it’s not absolutely, yes, then right now it’s no. So So first, I get I guess, if I were to kind of zoom out a little bit more and say the first step is to recognize what things to let go. For a while, I really thought it was the opposite. I thought it was figured out what things you need to keep. And I think that’s good and true. But I’m in a space of I needed to just think about what do I need to let go because I, I guess I didn’t even have the space to consider what mattered most because I was just bombarded with with everything that seemed to matter all at the same time, all, all important. So I want to give some examples about what I let go in terms of values and expectations. Some of the memories are more personal, but I I just wanted to share just some examples. So in terms of work, just because someone is more senior doesn’t mean I jump at their communication or request for a meeting.

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Here’s another one. Just because someone requests something doesn’t mean I have to say yes. Just because someone needs help, doesn’t mean I have to be the one to help them. And again, this is this is a right now thing. And this is not in every every case, it’s just that I had gotten into a place where I hid these rules for myself, that made me feel I had to do these things. I it was required of me. Another one is giving gifts to others, especially those that give something to me. It felt I was required to return it was return with a gift for example. Another one was if someone asked me for a favor to just automatically say yes. The better way of doing it is to pause and say I would love to think about it and I’ll get back to you. Easy peasy but it’s a change that really makes a difference. So yeah, those are just examples of what I have released and have just felt a much, much lighter Much lighter, much more able to consider the things that are most priority. And again, once I was able to get some of those things out, again, physical items in your apartment commitments, whatever those may be, or expectations. Well, and that’s the last one expectations, rules values that you just hold yourself to. So those are the three things I think you should assess, I think you should literally take a pen and paper and write down. Whatever falls into those three categories. One thing I did was I wrote a list of all my commitments that take time in my life right now. And I just started reviewing, like crossing off the things that I can’t handle right now. That it’s, it’s, it’s good, but it’s not the best. So then after you get that cleared in, like a little bit more space to be able to consider, okay, now I’ve got some gaps, I’ve got some time I’ve got some mental space, I’ve got more energy, because I’m freed up from all these bondages of, of stuff, or commitments or requirements of myself. Now, what does matter? What is God’s will for me in this season, and I say this season, because I don’t think you should make commitments that last forever. Aside from ones that God expects you to make, that he says, this is a forever commitment, like your walk with Him, and like your marriage, and like your parent parenting, right, I’m not sure how many others there are. I would and family, I would say that one as well. Because, you know, you you’re born into a family respect, Your Honor, and, you know, honor your, your mother and father, so. So I’m not sure if there’s any more really that are lifelong dealios that God says these are lifelong. So if you think about your commitments as seasonal, and not just your commitments, but your, your God’s will for you as a season. I think it frees us up to to really be more realistic in the way that we make choices. And God works in seasons, doesn’t he? I mean, there’s so many parallels in the Bible about seasons. And that’s the way our life works. I mean, that’s the way the world works that seasons, it’s not a constant, over and over the same thing. I mean, life is changing. And, you know, you always need to be reassessing. What’s God’s will for you right now. So, you know, I was kind of praying about that, and with a seeking heart. And when I say praying, my walk with God has changed. Over the years, there’s been seasons where I have prayed very long time every day, and there’s been seasons where it’s been much lighter. And there are seasons where

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it’s a bit more, you know, there’s just seasons of it. And I’m not saying that, you know, certainly, I have been off the mark with my walk with Jesus plenty of times. But I feel a peace about where I am right now. Maybe tomorrow, I’ll I’ll need to step it up. But right now, I feel a peace about it. And I just kind of had a seeking heart about what is God’s will for me right now. And I say seeking hard again, because I don’t think prayer has to be a lot of words, it doesn’t have to be a lot of strain. And, you know, you know, bending down and in and that way, and I and I have thought that and that prayer is important and good. And the right kind of prayer at at times. And often at times, you know, there, there’s I’ll leave it at that. I think you get what I’m saying. So this kind of a prayer was very much more. I was journaling. I was kind of thinking through what’s going on in my life and my heart kind of seeking where God is directing me what what should be the themes of this season that God wants me to move into. And I came up up with three and I, I find three to work really well. It kind of limits that you You can’t have like eight, you know, priorities in your life and you can’t have, you know, 20. So three is just kind of a way that you can simplify things and kind of weigh things moving forward. Like, is this according to what I believe God’s will is for me this season. And if it’s not, then it’s an easy no going forward. So in this season, mine, I’ve, again, I sorted it through I’ve kind of understood where my life is right now I’ve kind of understood what yeah, just just taking stock. So for me, the first one, and these are in priority. The first one is family. And this might seem cliche, but but it is, it needs to be my priority right now, in a way that it hasn’t been. Yeah, the second one is beauty. And he kind of surprised me when I felt that inspiration too. But as I considered it more and more, I feel as though I really understood it. Because beauty motivates and beauty inspires and beauty matters. And God made this world beautiful, and it’s not frivolous. I have thought beauty has been frivolous for a long time, and it’s not. The third one is peace. And that also, for me, feels impossible, because I feel like I haven’t been a person of peace my whole life. I’ve been passionate, I’ve been motivated, I’ve been pursuing. And there’s, God has given me a grace, of limitation. Now with my health, and and I require peace. And I have a challenge in that. And I believe that is my priority in this season, to grow in peace, to value peace. Not not just not just in my marriage. I mean, I feel like God has brought me a long way in my marriage with peace, but peace in my heart and my spirit and who I am and in my walk with Jesus peace, in my walk with people, and in my walk with the world, and, and and where things are in the world. And this is deeper than I expected to go into it. But I feel that is where I feel like God wants me to move in this season. So I went through the first step of saying no to things that are good, but not the best. The second step of seeking God’s will, and identifying three areas of focus for this season.

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And then the third step was actually a second iteration of the first step. Sorry, if this is confusing, but I’m trying to say, ultimately, first, you review you, you clean out of your life, the stuff that’s clogging it up. The second thing is you figure out what God wants you to focus on. Now, the third thing is do it again, clean up, what’s clogging up your life, since you now have perspective in what matters most in this season? Does that make sense? First, clear it out. Second, figure out what’s most important. And third, clear it out again. So there were some items that I was able to then come up with that I needed to clear out again. And this is where it brings back to my conversation with you personally, right here right now is I feel as though that God wants me to let go of dy M for now. There were a few other things that I feel he wanted me to do as well. But this was the one that I wanted to talk to you about. I’ve been doing dy M for two years now. And I’ve been doing it every Tuesday pretty much the whole time. And I love it. And I love connecting with you every week and I love the people that are on my part. You know that interviews I get a chance to have with amazing women and some men. And I’ve loved it. So this is not because I don’t love this work, I do and I have received so much fulfillment, and I receive so much value and, and I feel that this is what God has wanted me to do for a long time. But I feel this is a season where God’s asking me to let it go. And I don’t know what that means long term. And I don’t need to know what it means long term, I have no desire to know what it means long term. But right now I feel that it does mean that even though I love it. This is a season where I, I’m letting it go. So what does that mean, practically, practically, it’s funny, again, I just feel this kind of knowing that I’m going to let it go until August. So that’s only three months from now. So I’ll I feel that God is going to, you know, that we’ll all consider again. And you know, I feel like God’s gonna leave me about what happens after August. But until August, I won’t be posting interviews or solo shows, or that’s those are the two options, right? So that doesn’t mean the podcast is going away, though, what I’m going to do is pre record excerpts from my book, and I will release those every Tuesday. So if you’ve come become accustomed to receiving inspiration for your marriage for your physical intimacy, or emotional or, or spiritual intimacy, you will still get that, and I will be posting those every Tuesday. But yeah, I wanted to just tell you, you know, first and foremost with my own, my own walk in this journey of, of, of, of desiring and pursuing God’s will, not only for my marriage, but for my life. And if family is something that’s on your list, maybe marriage is on your list, maybe sex is on your list. I mean, what does God want you to be focused on in this season? And then when you get that clarity, you can filter your season, through that you can filter questions through that when when people ask, ask you for things, or opportunities come up or, or ideas or inspirations that may or may not be from God, you can filter it through the lens of this is what I believe God has asked me to do in this season. And so it’s an easy yes. Or it’s an easy no. And more than likely, it’s going to be no. If you make your default, no. You’ll probably have a whole lot more space in your life. Because you can always go back and say actually, I met Yes. But you usually can’t go back and say, I said yes. But I meant no. If that makes any sense. Well, this has been a special podcast for me, because I have learned a lot not only in preparation, but even in

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recording it. So I hope you have to, I do hope that in the interim, you will go to delight your marriage calm. And check out all the recorded shows there are so much gold in those shows, you know, I have been so blessed to learn from these amazing people that God has spoken through and taught me through and my marriage has changed through and and people around the world have been influenced by so I encourage you to just go to the website and just review the topics that have been covered. You can search in the search box, maybe you have a question and you just type in a word that that might that might cover your your question and you can you can go that way. I do have a few resources that you can check out I have my book, my video course and a webinar, all three of which have helped a lot of people in a lot of ways. I am going to take a break from coaching until August, aside from those that have already that I’m already working with. So that’s another item. But again, the resources are available for you. Um, I think that’s everything I needed to cover. I have so enjoyed and appreciated you being here with me. It has been a true delight. I’m so grateful and that you and I have spoken. We’ve walked together we’ve driven together We’ve gone to the gym together, wherever you spend time with me, I appreciate it. And I hope and pray that God has encouraged you and inspired you and grown you and caused you to seek Him more and cause you to reflect and consider who he is and where he speaking to you in what areas of your life and I just am so grateful. So let me say that I hope to, I hope to connect again in August. And until then, I am excited that you’ll be able to hear some inspiration from my book. I love you. And I don’t think I’ll be praying for you during this season, as my prayers are going to be focused on the other items in my list, but I I’ll bid you adieu, we’ll talk a little later. Love you. Bye.

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Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion