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After releasing Episode 56 & 57, I realized the good guys needed an episode. I may have been a bit too harsh on those episodes. So, I have this updated/revised/clarified/contextualized episode to give a bit more grace and kindness to the good guys, looking to love and be loved in sexual intimacy with their wives.

Check out the episodes I discuss:

156-Encourage Your Wife’s Sexuality (How A Husband Can Help His Wife Be More Into Sex) Part 1

157-Encourage Your Wife’s Sexuality (How A Husband Can Help His Wife Be More Into Sex) Part 2

 

 

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Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah. Rose.

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Hi there and welcome. I’m not sure if this is your first time listening, but it is. This is a podcast where I encourage wives to live in wholehearted intimacy in their marriage. So we talk about sex, we talk about emotional intimacy. And specifically today, I wanted to talk directly to husbands. Now, this is actually the second version that I’m posting about this topic. After re listening to the first version that I posted a couple of weeks ago, I realized that I wanted to post something that was a little more focused on the husband that is already doing a lot of these things, you know, I received an email specifically from a husband that felt like, these are the things that he’s doing. And yet still, he’s not gaining traction for, you know, any kind of positive movement into greater sexual intimacy with his wife. And, you know, at first I was, you know, my, my knee jerk reaction was, well, he’s probably not doing those things. But I think just a couple of weeks, I’ve, I feel a little bit more, maybe a little more insight of how I can kind of direct the husband that really is moving in this direction. So like I said, I wanted to post this and post this a little bit more positively, because like I said, you know, sometimes when I receive emails from husbands, it’s pretty bad what’s going on in their marriage in terms of how the husband is treating the wife. And so I think that was kind of the mindset I was coming from, with that initial posts. So like I said, I want to post something a little bit more for the man that really is doing these things, right, that really is loving his wife, and the way that Jesus would want him too. And yet, still, the intimacy in, you know, the place he feels most love is really, really just not there. So, I guess, here, here are the things I wanted to just direct you towards. And they’re not too far off from what I talked about initially. But first, to underscore, you know, your compliments of her, start focusing them more on what she is doing. So the things that you notice of what she is doing in the bedroom, just be really encouraging of those things. Like, you know, Babe, what you did this in this way that was so awesome. To me, I felt like a rock star, and you made me feel so great, because you did this thing to me, or the way you, you know, got into this position was so hot, or I’m really glad that I got to see this part of you. You know, thank you so much for making love to me last night, you know, all these things that maybe it feels silly, or even humbling to, you know, appreciate these, like, small details that in some ways, you probably feel like women should be doing that stuff to their husbands like why do you have to appreciate your wife for doing that. It’s actually going to be really helpful because as you appreciate the small things, they will actually increase. So I would say get really, really small about your compliments, like just get them really specific, really detailed, and about your sex life, make sure you’re you’re finding the specific things that you love about it, and that will encourage her to keep doing them. So if you want her to feel more encouraged to seduce you, the different small things she does that really turn you on, make sure she knows that. And you might assume she knows that. Let’s say she’s wearing a shorter outfit in, you know, just around the house than she usually does. She might have no idea that that gets your attention more than anything else. She might be totally clueless that, you know, some type thing that she’s wearing, you know, is so much more interesting than her normal outfits. Or when she bends down she probably is clueless that your eye catches Her body immediately. So if you are kind of just, you know, giving her positive reinforcement for those things, it actually

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it actually educates her without you being direct about educating her. So in the last episode, I was very clear about don’t quote unquote, teacher wife. And I think I need to kind of revise that statement with be less direct in teaching your wife be creative, and how you can do it in a way that encourages her rather than makes her feel like she’s not good enough, because the very direct way that I think a lot of men think they don’t have another idea for how to get the point across, they think they need to say things like, listen, men are really sexual. So those curves you see on that woman that really gets me excited. And like I said, a phrase like that a sentence or two like that would make your wife feel awful. And it would really undermine her sense of confidence, her sense that you love and appreciate and adore her body. Instead, it makes her feel worse about herself, even though you’re, you’re trying to, you know, let her know how important these visuals are for you. Instead, it’s making her feel less attractive, less interesting to your eyes, those kinds of things. So, so see how you can be more creative in how you are. And how you are indicating these truths to her, how can you make it in a way that actually encourages the way she feels about herself. And, as you know, as I mentioned, originally, she wants to captivate you, she desires to be captivating, she desires that you would be totally in thrall in her beauty, and who she is as a woman. And so it really hurts her heart when she becomes aware of any possibility that you are tempted by anyone else. And, you know, as a very confident, sexually confident woman myself, and my knowledge of men and the way they think and the way God made them, which is still growing, I’m still learning every day. It’s not a complete knowledge. I’m a woman, so I can’t fully understand a man. But even in my own understanding, it still hurts me. When I hear from my own husband, that there are certain things he still struggles with, in this area. Because every man does is the reality. And I know you do and I know that men do. But the way to encourage your wife sexuality, the one to satisfy you and, and cause you to be truly, you know, loved in sexual intimacy, you want her to trust that you are captivated by her. And as you speak these things in faith as you, you focus on the good things about your wife, when you focus on the sexual things of your wife, that actually one makes you actually more attracted to your wife. And two, it causes her to feel more secure in herself, so that she can implement those things in the bedroom so that she can implement those things in your in your, in your communication and interaction and connection. So yeah, really focus on those guiding complements, you know, and I guess again, I just want to clarify the direct teaching the direct, you know, I want you to change in this way. Again, just makes her feel like she’s not good enough. She already feels insecure about sex. When you lop that on top. It makes her feel even worse, like okay, you’re really dissatisfied with me. Clearly, I’m not good enough sexually. And that’s not what you’re trying to do. I get it. You’re just trying to help this this piece of your marriage, this vital part of your marriage, the lifeblood of your connection together. You try to help it and I hear that hurt that it’s in innocent and genuine desire. So try to make it a little more

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about loving her rather than rather than, you know, the idea of a child needing to be taught, instead more of as a woman who will follow encouragement, will, will in you know, will be impacted by how you feel about her, rather than, you know, shaming her into change, if that makes any sense. So another thing that would be productive when talking to your wife, is talk about your feelings. And I know that’s very hard for men, most of the time, they don’t talk about their feelings, they talk about sports and a million other things, they really steer clear of their feelings. It’s hard. And I understand that. But that’s the level that women get. She knows it’s important when you talk about your feelings. And the thing about sex is that it’s all about your feelings, it’s all about you feeling loved, and you feeling, you know, connected to her. And that’s what makes it easier to not fight that’s what makes it easier to to truly be unified and have a peaceful relationship is when you’re making love. But she doesn’t see it that way. She doesn’t understand more than likely otherwise, she would have regular intimacy with you and deep intimacy with you. Potentially at least regular. So if you would do things like talk to her about your feelings, you know, honey, when we don’t make love for days, or even weeks, I don’t feel connected to you. I feel unloved. I feel sad. Sometimes it even makes me feel depressed, I feel I feel far from you, I feel distant. And as a man, I get it, it’s really hard to be vulnerable. It’s really hard to share feelings, you as a husband, I bet you don’t want to be seen as weak. But the thing is, vulnerability is actually strength. It’s actually courage to go out on a limb and say how you feel. So encourage you when you talk to your wife about sex, use feeling words, use feeling words, and, you know everything, every bit of, you know, advice and thoughts that I have on on this and guidance that I’m trying to help you with, you know, take it all with a grain of salt, I’m not a man, and I have never seen or talked to you or your wife about your marriage. So obviously, I’m just trying to kind of broad stroke it and trying to see, you know, is this applicable to you? Is this applicable to you? So you’ve got to kind of, you know, obviously be wise and pray and understand as this makes sense for your marriage at this time. But I don’t want you to think that you know, these, if these are not applicable to your marriage, then you know, throw the baby out with the bathwater, you know, decide on every element. Is this something that makes sense for you guys? Is this going to work for you all. So keep that in mind. I guess I should end this again revised. Thought about guidance or help from husbands that are wanting to encourage their wives sexuality. I would say that as a wife myself, that felt very insecure in her sexual knowledge and abilities and beauty and sexuality. The thing that caused me to change was it was resources. It was material that helped me to change when I heard firsthand from others that I realized that sex was so vital and as I read and as I explored and

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it became something that made sense, you know, slowly and finally, and truly, that is what my podcast is about. That’s what my book delight your husband is all about my course to let your husband it’s to get a wife to that understanding to understand the husband’s mind. And as much as I have said, Don’t teach your your wife Don’t make her feel less than I’m trying to think because I think I might have to revise that statement. Because how what, what can you do? Right? So I think, again, without knowing your baggage without knowing where you’re coming from, without knowing what’s been said, without knowing your situation, I’m just wondering if there’s ways that you can be creative on how to encourage her to utilize my resources, obviously, you can’t force her and you shouldn’t. And that’s not helpful, it’s not helpful to continue the wound that maybe has been inflicted, because maybe you have pushed her too hard and made her feel less than and that’s how she’s feeling now. And there’s this big wall of resentment between you two, maybe it is going to take a ton of patience and a ton of prayer and a ton of persistence in just the complimenting aspect for a month or two or three, before you can approach this topic, again, maybe there’s going to be a ton of non sexual touching that is going to cause her to understand you truly feel love her not just for sex, you know. And the sad thing is, is I understand that your desire for sex is your desire to be loved, even though she doesn’t understand that she thinks that you’re being quote, unquote, a jerk, like the other, you know, men in this society. So. So I think what I would suggest is to really lead with, I guess, if I were trying to give you a template, on how to do this, I would say lead with the complements, you know, really show her that the sexiness of herself of her body of who she is, really attracts you, you love it. So all these little details and things, you know, examples I gave in the other episode, are all things you really, really love. So that’s, you know, lead with helping her to understand your sexual attraction by complementing hers by complimenting who she is sexually, and non, and how that truly deeply attracts you as a man. But, you know, again, you’re not directly teaching her you’re more indirectly, indirectly complimenting which which we follow complements. For example, when you’re at work, your boss says, Good job on writing very detailed reports. Why then the next time you write a report, you’re going to be like, my boss likes detail. And so then you write a more detailed report. So that’s kind of how you want to think about your wife is that you compliment her and then that’s the way she’ll want to continue to delight you because she knows that delights you. So that’s the first thing is compliment in the direction you want her to go or grow. The second piece, I would say, is to talk about your feelings, to lead with your feelings about how you feel about her sexuality. Lead with your feelings, that’s that’s really key. I feel loved by you. When we make love, I feel connected to you. I feel happy when we make love. After I have an orgasm, I feel like everything in the world is okay, I feel stress free, I feel like our lives are are good, I feel more connected to God. Like those things would shock her that he would shock her if she didn’t know this stuff. And more than likely she doesn’t know this stuff. If she’s not doing this consistently, she probably has no clue as wives that kind of those kinds of understandings are completely bizarre to us. Because we have no such feelings. I mean, we we get a lot out of sex for sure. Especially when you get to a place of freedom and sex as a wife, you get a lot out of it. But not those things. It’s not that kind of it’s not that kind of connection for us. That’s, that’s why it matters in a way that doesn’t matter.

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In the same way to to wife so if you you lead with your feelings help her to know your feelings by sharing them lead with your feelings. And again, that’s after getting to a place where it’s comfortable to talk about sex between the two of you, you bring it up bring up sex in other contexts, you know, and just bring up how wonderful it was last night or those kinds of things. And, and you can say it was so wonderful last night. You know, I feel so loved I feel so connected. Be genuine and sincere in the way you talk to her How’d it make eye contact, you know, touch her arm, like, let her know, it really means so much to you, I’m so grateful for you valuing this for you prioritizing this for you, you know, letting the dishes not be done, you know, or, or being willing to do you know all these things and you so much stress and all these areas life, but you make sure we got to connect last night. And that meant so much to me, Honey, thank you. And And really, that’s the kind of stuff that helps her to know how much it matters to you. It really, really does. So the first one was to lead with complements. The second one is talk about your feelings. And the third one, I do think encouraging resources is really the way to go so that she can receive inspiration, empowerment, understandings, wisdom, just flat out scientific education. You know, a lot of that is stuff I include in my book so that, you know, anatomy, just plain old anatomy is really vital. And but then also, how do you incorporate that anatomy into lovemaking? How does that make sense? In Penny, for example, that’s my word for oral sex for a man. And so how does that how does that make sense in action, that is education needs to happen. And that will, you know, occur as you’re telling her the things you love, and, and all of that. So I’m trying to think of how we can be productive, creative, kind of indirect on how to ask her to do those things. And some things that I’ve heard work from husbands are for Christmas, or a husband’s birthday, or for Father’s Day, or any kind of event, you could ask her to read bellows book that has actually worked plenty of times. Another thing you could do is, you know, come listen to a specific podcast that maybe a wife has talked about her journey with sexuality, which I have a lot of those. And that’s kind of a palatable podcast, because it starts off talking about a wife’s journey. And then it gives her the insights on how you know what this really how this matters to her husband, in a way that a wife had no idea about. And, again, that’s palatable, that helps her to go from understanding emotional intimacy that she really understands already. That’s, that’s the connection, she has a big grasp on. But for her to go from there to understanding what it means to you to, to have sexual intimacy. Episode 84 is a good example of that. There’s actually a good amount of them. So also, a lot of my solo shows, really focus on that. So if you go to delight, your husband, sorry, delight, your marriage, click on Show type, and then click solo shows, all of the ones that I’ve recorded personally, are there. So you might be able to, you know, kind of look through and see what, what would specifically work for your marriage. So yeah, I think those are the keys that I would like to give in terms of more of a template. I guess I want to be a little more compassionate than I was on my last two episodes, because I truly know you’re struggling and hurt and you want help, and you’re not trying to be terrible to your wife, and you guys have probably just or maybe, maybe not, I mean, who knows where you’re coming from. So I’m sorry, if I was to, if I just if I was came on too strong and had a disrespectful attitude, because I don’t know where you’re coming from, and I don’t know who you are. And I don’t want you to feel,

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you know, disrespected by me as I’m trying to help you in your journey towards making your marriage stronger and more intimate. So I hope that you have grace with me. And I hope these things help you. You know, again, I focus on women because I know them better and I’m one and I feel much more comfortable giving them insight and advice, but I’m praying for you men, any of you that listen to the other podcasts. I hope that there might have been nuggets They’re that that were helpful and and that you would continue to, you know, have hope because I know any marriage can be turned around if I can be turned around and in the way I viewed sex any wife can as well. God bless you. We’ll talk soon.

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Thanks for joining. If you’ve been inspired by this show, would you help spread the word? If you take a moment to review and subscribe others can find us more easily. Find out how to delight your marriage.com forward slash iTunes. Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion

Transcribed by https://otter.ai