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This is Part 2 of my advice for men who want their wives to enjoy sex more. (Part 1 is here)
Though you may feel so hurt that your wife doesn’t desire and/or meet your intimacy with joy the way you crave, there is a lot going on for her too.
“Hurt people hurt people”. In this podcast, I hope to shed light on things both of you may be going through. And not even realize that you (men) are undermining the very intimacy you seek to encourage.
I hope to help you understand the ways a wife desires to be loved in life and how that directly relates to her experience intimately with you.
Specifically discussed:
-Why she thinks you only want her for sex (and what you can do to change that)
-How you can communicate a man’s need for sex in a way that will reach her (rather than repel her)
-Specific things you can do in physical intimacy that will allow her to enjoy intimacy to much greater degree, thus desiring it more
For wives, I want you to know…
My goal for your physical intimacy is that it would get to a level and place to would support your life, but NOT be the focus of it. I want you to be able to relax into the joy of amazing intimacy so it would fuel the pursuits of God’s heart. There is much more than sex, it shouldn’t be the focus; if you’re married, it should support the focus.
0:00
Hey there, it’s belah. I just wanted to start by saying a note on part one and part two of encouraging your wife sexuality. I went back and listened. And I wanted to just kind of apologize, I feel like my tone may have been disrespectful to what you are going through as a husband. And I certainly think there are nuggets of of helpful advice in here. But I think my overall kind of presentation isn’t what I wish it had been. So I hope you’ll have grace with me. I give quite a lot more context, I guess, and maybe more humility in the way I present my ideas in kind of an updated revision that I’m calling 156, slash 157. Update of encourage your wife’s sexuality. So you can find that episode on either the website or in the podcast app. Again, it’s just 156 slash 157. So, you know, because this is part two, so this is 157. Like I said, If this is your first time listening to this, part two of the podcast feel free. I think there’s very valid and important insights that you can absolutely apply. And I think it would be great for you to listen, but just understand that I think my tone is probably not what I wish it had been. So just wanted to have that note. Thanks for listening, and God bless. Talk to you later.
1:40
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast, this show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah rose.
1:57
Hello, and welcome. Thank you for joining me, I’m just imagining maybe where you are, if you’re out walking your dog, or you’re sipping a cup of coffee, or maybe you’re on your commute to work, wherever you are, I’m so grateful that you have allowed me into your ears, I hope that today is gonna be really helpful for you for your marriage, for your perspectives on life. You know, just talking to my husband a couple of minutes ago about this podcast. It’s just really so wonderful. And one thing that came out of that is the idea that ultimately, we don’t want sex to be the focus of our marriage. What we want is that it to be a support to your life, and not the focus of your life. And that’s kind of the ultimate aim is that sex would be a support, because that’s what I think God intended it to be. When he made Adam and Eve. I think that was the purpose that sex would be a wonderful pleasure and joy and intimacy. But it wasn’t to detract from what God ultimately purposes for all of us. It’s, it’s a piece of something that’s supporting us doing God’s work together. So to that aim, I’m talking again, it’s the second part of my two part series about how to encourage your wife and her own sexuality. I talked a lot about this on the first episode, I really encourage you to go back to just the episode right before this one, and listen through because it gives some foundational understandings. But today I’m really going to focus in on safety and security, and why that’s so important to your wife. And what that means in the bedroom and specifically what you can do to make her feel safe and secure. And how that’s going to make her encourage her and give her the ability to be an amazing lover. So let’s jump into that
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Well, I don’t really have to tell you how close a woman’s heart is connected to her entire life, but that’s really what it is. She is emotional so much more than men. It’s it’s scientifically proven, much less proven just by our experience in life. But we do as women we are so much more about our emotions are heart. It’s the way God made us into the kinder, the softer the more compassionate sex we just we are that way God Made us that way. It’s, it’s part of his character that he gave us women. And so, as a husband, it’s your privilege and your responsibility to guard and protect that. Because she is not like you in the, she’s not able to protect the way that you do. And that’s ultimately a huge piece of you all bringing it together, that you bring this protection. I mean, that’s what you want to do, isn’t it, you want to guard and protect your woman and, you know, save her from whatever, you know, terrible thing she might have befallen. That’s just in all of our fairy tales. That’s what the woman wants her, her husband to do and, and fight the dragon for her. And so it’s the same insects that she wants to be held by a strong men, a man that’s that, that respects her and honors her that treats her like his princess. And so this idea of safety and secure, being safe, is so vital in sex, because living in this society, women are disrespected constantly. It’s just, it’s constant. She can’t even go outside of her own home. To not see it, you know, that the women are just disrespected all the time for their bodies, or, you know, if you think video games, some of the most popular video games on the market are, you know, disrespect women’s bodies, there’s, you know, obviously the porn industry and strippers and I mean, it’s just constant is degradation objectification of women’s bodies. And yet, that’s, that’s God’s temple. That’s, that’s who God made her to be. It’s very. It deserves protection, it deserves full and utter respect. And so for her to feel fully able to enjoy making love with you, she needs to feel that you respect her body, that you honor it, that you are grateful that you get to touch it, that you get to be with her. In it being vulnerable. In her taking off her clothes, it’s not easy. Men, you think it’s so easy, but it’s because you know, on TV, and these other places, those are actors, those are women that are acting like it’s easy. It’s a it’s a performance, right? But you’re with a real woman, you’re with your actual woman, a wife in front of you, and she is bearing everything, it’s very, very vulnerable. So keep that in mind you, you can’t understand how vulnerable it is. But I asked you to try to learn to remember that this is a big deal, that she’s bearing everything to you. And so for you to respect and honor that body is really what gives her the safety, to feel that she can then use it in a powerful way that she can then realize its value herself, and then move into the phase of, okay, now I realize how much he loves my body, how valuable it is. Now I can seduce him with it, because I know that he wants what I have. So then it’s this whole teasing confidence thing, but she can’t get there if she doesn’t feel that her body has value. And so you have the opportunity to teach her. And I say teach but I just talked about last week, we’re not talking about teaching. So I actually mean, you have the opportunity to encourage and convince her by your just constant approval, your constant encouragement that she has exactly what you desire, that that’s her body is so desirous to you. So what does this mean in the bedroom so, you know when, when she’s willing to undress? You are spending time to honor her entire body. You’re not going straight for the genitals you want to go softly, gently all over her skin. Start from the tips of her fingers and and don’t lift your your hand. But gently graze all the way up her arms and around her back and you know, down to her feet like every part of her her skin, that’s a really key thing you men is to understand that women’s skin is so erotic that is what arouses her when she feels her entire skin, that you value her whole body. Because it’s going to take a long time for her to really understand how you think about sex. And it may never even happen because she’s not a man. And I’m not there either, because I’m not a man. But the point is that she has a hard time thinking that you want her for more than just sex.
10:39
Again, with our society with history of oppression of women with it’s just a long history and a long you know, this education that sex is for men. She feels like, there’s this insecurity that maybe he just wants her for sex, you know, it’s just to get him pleasure, that’s all that it is. But if your your intimacy, your physical intimacy ends up being something that that, that gives her pleasure, that the focus is on what she wants, and what she needs, why then it’s a very different experience. So So I talked a little bit about respecting her body, respecting her pleasure. What does it mean for her to have pleasure in the bedroom? So maybe you’re thinking, Well, I always do that, I always try to bring her pleasure in the bedroom, you know, she doesn’t want me to touch her there. She doesn’t, you know, feel good when I do this or that. But let’s take a step back and think it through. What’s the history there? You know, has there been times where you very well knew that she didn’t want to do it, and you push through anyway, because she wasn’t gonna fight you about it. Were there experiences when she was uncomfortable, and you knew it, and you didn’t stop? You know, there’s lots of baggage there that she very well may not be able to bring herself to a level of, again, safety and security, to be able to enjoy your touch, or even to get to orgasm, if she’s never been there, which a third of women have not. So she’s in good company. But she has to feel safe. And it’s so sad, but I’ve had men write to me. And they think this idea of controlling their wife is going to help. And it’s horrific. Because that’s the absolute wrong thing is the thing that’s undermining every shred of hope you have for your marriage. If you’re trying to control her love cannot breathe. In an atmosphere of control. Love only flourishes in freedom. That’s why God had to give us freedom, so that we could actually love Him with our whole heart. Because it’s not love if it’s forced. So freedom is so key. She needs to feel safe, she needs to feel accepted. She needs to feel free. So think about that, and pray about that. How can I make my wife feel more free and safe, and our intimacy? Now I want to take a minute and and talk about that, again, about pleasure. And, and maybe again, you’re thinking, Well, you know, if we’re making love, I’m trying to encourage her to, you know, touch herself or, or do do something to make her feel good. But she has had so many experiences where sex has been all about you. When, when has she had experiences where sex has really been all about her pleasure. Let me just say it a different way. Have there been times when you have orgasm, and she has not? And have there even been one time when she orgasms, and you did not even one even one time? Probably not. And I just want to say how would she ever think that sex was about her pleasure? If you’ve never given the actual time to investigate her own pleasure and pain? Consider it. So one very productive thing I can encourage you to do is to kind of have a I don’t know how to say it, maybe a connection evening, and it’s not going to end in sex. And you can tell her that straight from the beginning.
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And you can say, Honey, I just, I really want to just adore your body tonight, will you let me and maybe it starts with wine, candlelight. And you know, slowly, you undress her, and you, again, touch every area of her body, start with the non erotic, the very non erotic, things that you’d be like, there’s no way this couldn’t make any difference to her, but it does, if it’s her skin, and it’s you being slow and gentle, and makes a big difference. Okay, and then you slowly go from there, and you describe all the areas that you love about her and her fingers and her hands and her beautiful eyelashes, and you stroke her hair, and you go in her neck and you give her kisses and, and then, you know, after you’ve done all these other areas, only then do you slowly come to the more erotic areas. And then you tell her how gorgeous they are, and you caress them and you just kindly and gently move towards them. But you don’t have to do a single thing towards orgasm in the least I mean, this connection evening I would encourage is just providing her a little bit of trust that and safety, that you’re not gonna push it in, you’re not gonna, you know, jump in and penetrate her. She needs to know that you are safe, that you really do respect her desires her needs, that you are a safe place for her heart. Because again, sex for her is all about her heart. It’s all about this vulnerability. And again, if you’ve had experience in the past, which generally we all have, where the man is really focused on having his orgasm, and she’s just kind of the facilitator of that she’s not really doing anything but receiving, you know, possibly really not excited about it. So again, I think this connection evening now, I talked a little bit about this process of non erotic to erotic, let that be a template for your lovemaking where you’re going from really, really not erotic and really, really gentle to something that’s more erotic to something that’s a little less gentle evening even. And that’s what I’m talking about potentially building to orgasm, but you want to go slow, really slowly. So regardless of how long you take to orgasm, it really doesn’t matter in this case, because certainly some men go long some men go shorter, it doesn’t matter at all really, the point is I’m trying to make is make your lovemaking experience much longer than it is right now. So that your wife can really experience pleasure before you do because lovemaking is about the both of you connecting and unifying as one. It’s not about a sudden penetration that gyrates until an orgasm like that. How is that this unification and both spirits becoming one it’s just it’s not it’s it’s, it’s not. It’s not what she is going to begin to enjoy. She’s not going to suddenly enjoy sex the way that you are giving it to her. And there’s ways that you can change more than more than likely so. Okay, so those are thoughts there. Another thing about going slow is also after you’ve taken all this time after you’ve you know really learned how she wants pleasure and wants to be pleasured. A side note is don’t take things personally, when she gives you different guidance and moves your hands different ways and encourages you to maybe stop at certain places or wait. Don’t take it personally and don’t push forward. If she seems uncomfortable or whatever, just just be patient. Just To Be patient, she needs to know that you’re safe. That’s that’s what’s gonna pay dividends later. It’s an investment later for her to get to a space where she feels like she can trust that you’re not going to push it in when it’s uncomfortable for her, et cetera, et cetera.
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When a woman is not prepared, internally, when she’s not engorged with blood when she’s not wet on the inside, it’s painful for her. So it actually really does matter if she’s ready or not, if you’ve taken the time, if you’ve cared about her to begin this lovemaking process, but again, don’t take it personally. Another thing is, a lot of men have a lot of rules for sex. They think that if she touches herself, she’s going to get addicted to her own fingers and my own genitalium is not going to turn her on as much and all these things, you know about vibrator concerns and, and all these rules that this man has about, it’s got to be me or nothing. And, you know, I don’t think that’s really a ticket to her enjoying lovemaking because she feels constrained, she feels not free to touch herself, or to actually enjoy or to explore her own body. I mean, certainly, it doesn’t have to turn into whatever you’re afraid it’s going to turn into but you don’t know what it’s going to turn into, it might turn into her actually loving making love with you and becoming a woman who understands her own orgasm and then can enjoy it in a totally different way than it started out her enjoying it. So a lot of women learn to orgasm through a vibrator. And then they start to understand this is what an orgasm feels like, this is what it actually is. Okay, I think I can explore this in another way. And then I think I can explore it with my husband specifically. And then it goes from there, it doesn’t have to be this quote unquote, natural penetration is the only way to get orgasm. It’s, it’s just not. It’s not realistic, it doesn’t, I just don’t think it moves the ball forward. If your aim is to make love together and enjoy it more and encourage her to love it more, I would really encourage you to take down those rules and tell her that they’re down that you want her to enjoy it that you want her to truly do whatever she wants to do that you want her to touch yourself and explore and know what’s really going to turn her on and you want to be with her in that process. And I gotta say, men, as a woman that is very scary. It is very scary to even imagine that your husband would know that you’re exploring your own body, and yet, you’re supposed to be the safest person in her whole life. There’s no one else that should be safer than you. And so if she doesn’t feel safe to explore herself with you, it’s just never gonna happen. And then she just never will experience the joy of lovemaking. And then you understand the rest so So, I want to kind of go back to just something about the way women think about sex and how you as a man can help her to see it. As you see it as you feel it. Men in general don’t show their emotions they don’t show it on their face. They don’t share their emotions with anyone. It’s not cool to do that they have been raised you men as sad as it is have been raised to not show the the pain, the hurt the difficulty you go through your you’ve been taught that you’ve got to man up and men don’t cry. And it’s it’s nonsense. It’s not real. It’s not the way God made us. Men have to be weak because we have to all trust God, we all have to lean into him. So yes, you are weak. It’s just true. And your wife is the one that should be the most safe person to understand your hearts and to hear what you’re going through and that you can open yourself to her and what you feel about sex because here’s the thing, more than likely the reason you have given her sexual advice and teaching in the past, when you have told her about other women’s curves, and how you know men are attracted to women because X, Y and Z and you’ve tried to explain these things to her is because you haven’t had the courage to say, Honey,
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I love you. And I feel like you don’t love me when you don’t want to touch me. I feel like I’m gross to you, when you don’t want to touch my member that you don’t even want to see it or you don’t want to kiss it. It makes me feel insecure that maybe you don’t care about me. I guarantee you, you’ve never said those things to your wife. Because that’s the kind of stuff that that that touches her heart. Right? We talked about how compassionate she is how caring she is, if she knew that’s what it was that it was underneath this thick skin, that you’ve been taught to hide your whole life. She cares, she wants to know what she thought is you’ve been this oppressor, you’ve been, you know, laying down the law, she didn’t realize that you are have been hurt, that that’s how you’ve, you didn’t know how to respond to her you have been hurting. And so if you can, you know, slowly, but gently, you know, peel back those layers, become a man that’s courageous enough to be vulnerable with your wife. And I do say courage. vulnerably. Vulnerability is not weakness. It is absolute courage. It’s absolute courage. If you think about God, it’s he. There’s a passage specifically that says it so beautifully. But he acts accepted us into the beloved. He went first he was vulnerable. First, he said, I love you so much, that I’m going to come here and I’m going to die for your sins so that you can be with me, that’s how much I desire you. God was completely vulnerable to us, vulnerable to our rejection, completely vulnerable. And that was courage, that strength. That’s not weakness. That’s not what our society says. So when you’re vulnerable with your wife, when you’re talking about your feelings to her, that’s what is going to actually be effective, she’s going to see it as wow, I didn’t know what I was doing. And especially you know, I don’t know where you guys are in terms of how safe it is to be vulnerable. Maybe you guys have gotten into a really critical pattern. And it’s really dangerous to put your heart out on your sleeve right now, I can understand that. It takes a long time to thaw some really icy stuff. But if you think of that as your goal, and you slowly work through that, and you slowly change the patterns in your marriage, you will get to a place where it’s safe enough that you can have the courage to model that vulnerability. And I say model it because if she starts to see that you are strong enough, you are courageous enough to be vulnerable with your feelings, then slowly she will be courageous enough to do the same thing. Because you don’t really know what she’s gone through in terms of her sex life. Like you might know some things but you don’t know if she was abused. You don’t. You don’t know if her friends have been abused. And they told her things when very impressionable years that have affected her sex life, even to this day. You don’t know some of the things that affect her sexually. Because she, it’s really hard to talk about. And especially if you haven’t modeled, being vulnerable with her, you know that she doesn’t know if it’s safe to be vulnerable with you. So those are some thoughts about that. One thing I think that women are scared of, is that right now, they probably think that all you care about is sex. That’s something that is really an insecurity for women is that, you know, my husband just wants sex and, you know, I’m not good enough for him and, you know, not good enough at sex or I’m not I don’t have a high enough libido or, you know that but then there’s also this resentment of like, he doesn’t want me for anything other than sex. You know, this is such a, you know, what a jerk. He’s, you know, he doesn’t value me. So, I would really encourage you to make it clear to her that sex equals love to you, that when you want to make love to her, it’s truly you want to feel close to her. You want feel encouraged by this life, that it that you enjoy your life more when you’re able to connect to her in this way that you feel cared about you feel.
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You feel like you feel loved. And when she understands it a little differently, that helps. The other thing I want to encourage is when you have made love, let her know that you’re satisfied. That was great. You know, the next day, if you’re grabbing her in the kitchen, let her know that you’re just playing and you don’t expect anything to happen. You don’t have to tell her that in the moment, like, what I really actually encourage is for you guys to have a sit down conversation and let her know that you just like playing you like touching her body in different ways you like, you know, caressing her you like when she’s naked? You don’t? Or whatever you like, you know, but she probably thinks when you do those sexual playing and teasing and that kind of stuff, she probably thinks he wants to have sex with me again, rolling her eyes, right? That’s what she probably thinks, rather than you just like it. You like it? You know, if you’re if you’re sexually satisfied, the other stuff is just fine and good. And you just enjoy the way she looks and you enjoy these parts of her body. But if she, you know, takes it in this way, have we had sex two nights ago? Why doesn’t he stop grabbing me? I just made love to him last night. You know, whatever it is. Again, she feels this reiteration of it’s all about sex. And I will say that if you start grabbing her and she obliges, even though in her head, she’s like, I don’t want to do this, but he clearly wants me to do it again. So I’m just gonna have to go for it, then you probably won’t say no, because you’re like, Oh, well, she’s gonna have sex, oh, my gosh, I was just playing, but suddenly, we’re gonna do it. i It’s not actually helping. If if, if it’s not, if it’s not a heart response from her, it’s not going to end up encouraging your, your intimacy long term, I hope that makes sense. I don’t want I want you to make your life not revolve around sex, I want you to get to a place where she is confident and comfortable and enjoy sex and like seducing you. And you guys have this deep physical intimacy, but also relational intimacy, so you’re connected. So that sex is a support to your life, but not the focus of it. You know, this focus of he’s pushing it, and she’s resisting it. And this focus where, you know, probably if you’re listening to this podcast, you probably are really trying to fix your sex life, you are trying so hard to make it better. And all she’s hearing from all that trying to fix is that you’re obsessed with sex. And if she tries to start to focus on sex, she’s just encouraging your bad behavior, and you’re obsessed and your data data. But the truth is, what ultimately will happen. If she does focus on sex, if you focus on how to make her feel safer, and more secure, and more loved, and this mutual understanding and intimacy in this whole process we’re talking about, ultimately, sex will stop being this obsession and start being a support for both of you to then do what God wants you to do in your life. So that’s the end goal. The end goal is not to be constantly obsessed about sex, about pleasure seeking and all this stuff. It’s not it’s, it’s part of this wonderful goal of living God’s life and enjoying the pleasure in it and enjoying that physical intimacy that supports that life. So that’s that. The other thing I think that just to realize is that
34:16
let’s say you did have wonderful sex, she orgasm, she was so excited. It was wonderful, all that. And then the next day, you don’t make love and maybe there was a couple days that you don’t make love. And I don’t want you as a husband to think that it’s because she didn’t like it or she doesn’t care about you or she was faking. No, it’s just that women, they don’t often want it as much as you do. There’s a lot that goes into that. Maybe it’s her menstrual cycle. Maybe it’s what she ate that day. Maybe it’s just the things that are going in her mind. Stress is huge. This is a key I wanted to definitely share. I actually just learned this from John On Gray, Dr. John Gray, the guy that wrote Mars and Venus, that whole series thing. Anyway, he’s got a lot of really great resources. But he was teaching about how oxytocin is actually a stress reliever for both men and women and for men, that’s the biggest oxytocin release is through sex. And so it’s a huge stress reliever for men. But then for women, oxytocin is released in so many different ways. So many different small touches of, of a rose that, you know, you just randomly picked up for her as a surprise or a hug. I talked about that last, you know, hugs or wonderful or a kiss, or a love note or a text or an email. All these little touches are actual oxytocin releases oxytocin in her brain, which lowers her stress level. So if you think about it, a stressed woman is not interested in making love, I’ll just tell you, we’ll just that’s a freebie right there. Stress does not make her want to make love in the least. But gosh, if you could just do these small things that make her feel loved, that lowers her stress, and makes her feel more in love with you. It just is. It’s amazing. And one thing I really liked that he said is that a lot of times men think that okay, a dozen roses, I get a dozen points. And for women a dozen roses means one point or, you know, he thinks that you know, 1500 Roses means 1500 points, well, 1500 Roses might mean three points to her or something along those lines. I guess what I’m trying to say is that small things is what matters to her consistent small things. It doesn’t have to be this giant display, and then a week of nothing. No, it’s every single day telling her how beautiful she is, every single day caressing her face every single day, you know, hugging her and kissing her lips and telling your kids about how wonderful she is and, and complimenting her in public and, and giving her gifts and taking her out on date nights. And, you know, loving her and her love languages. Those are the kinds of things that lower her stress, to give her the pause and the calm and consideration that yes, making love would be nice, that would be lovely. I would love to love you like that I feel loved i i feel calm, I feel stress free so we can enjoy that. I talked about how if you start to think lovemaking as like a longer event. So instead of maybe the 15 Minute event that it is right now maybe something more like an hour, an hour and a half. And maybe you think that that’s too long. And you know, and maybe an hour and a half is is extreme, but but I would say an hour. That’s that’s a good amount. But if you think about your life I mean, there’s so many things you do in a day, that’s an hour. I mean, how hard would it be for you to cut some things out so you can make time for something that’s actually important to you. You know, what if love making could only happen if it took an hour. Yeah, maybe for you it takes you know, however long but let’s just say love making always will take an hour. So then cut things out of your life. If you don’t have enough time for that. Certainly you have enough time to make sure that you enjoy love with your with your wife. So just prioritize things cut things out and make it so that you can have an hour for it. So keep that in mind. Okay, so I wanted to give you a few just quick like very specific sexual advice so that I leave you with some some tools that you can use right away.
39:19
I gave you, you know, a good amount of things and you might think that they’re not specifically sexual, but it’s because that’s how women’s bodies work. They get turned on when you’re not focused on the genitals. That’s how it works. That’s how her body works with your body. It’s like go to the genitals right away, forget everything else but for her kisses and caresses and gentle patient touch and kind and saucy words and more and I say saucy I think more like compliments just I saw you across the street Babe and I I just got so excited that that’s my wife, and you just make me so grateful that I get to have you in my life. I mean, those are the kinds of things that make her excited to make love to you. So those again, if you make love more about her, eventually she’ll get to a place of safety, where she’ll start to feel confident enough to explore some things that are more, maybe spicy, maybe hot, maybe seductive, and really, you know, fiery, like you maybe would like as well. And then there’s this dual participation. And, you know, some nights are specifically about the man. And you know, she can just go all out in seduction, and excitement and teasing and all of that. And then there’s other nights where it’s all about her, and she can just the lap of luxury of just being adored, gently and patiently and beautifully. Again, so sexual advice specifically for her. One thing that I think is very important that I think men get so excited that she let him inside, that suddenly they’re like, Okay, in and out, in and out, in and out. But what in terms of her pleasure, which she would more than likely, would like to start with is very slow. In fact, you could just slowly come in slow, so much so that you come half inch and stop. And then you give her full reign of your body so that she can focus in on her body, she can focus in on what her vagina is feeling. And then she can hold your body and direct it in slowly, if she so chooses. And she has total freedom to do that. And I want to say, that’s why it’s so important that you lay this groundwork work of safety, so that she feels totally confident that you’re not going to push through that you’re going to totally be patient. And I know it’s hard for you, sir. But this is going to really be what causes her to have an enjoyment of pleasure. It might not make her orgasm. And you might think that orgasm is the most important thing to her but it very well might not be orgasm is certainly a blessing and a gift and a wonderful thing. But in terms of the gift of security and kindness and patience and gentleness that you can give her in the bedroom. I would say that that’s far greater. The orgasms are great. Okay, well, I think that is a lot of what I wanted to say. It’s interesting, you know, because as I’ve been just thinking through some of the ideas and thoughts that I wanted to specifically say, I think there’s plenty more that I I’d like to share and talk about and give because I think I think you men really desire to love your wife in the way that, that God wants you to that you can have amazing intimacy. And I think that you can do a lot to get there. So if you haven’t listened to the last episode, definitely listened to that. And combine these two, with the idea that she wants to be captivated. And make her feel safe and secure. Both of those are gonna pay dividends in your sex life.
43:54
But yeah, so I’m thinking through whether or not I’ll work on maybe doing a course for men, I don’t coach men on one on one, I do coach women one on one. So, you know, maybe you’ll do this work, specific work that I’m talking about. And again, I encourage you to really invest in the serve part of what I’m talking about for six months. I mean, go all out and see what God does after six months. I mean, give God any resentment, give God any, you know, impatience, just give it to God and say, I’m going to really push to what you God want me to do for six months, this, these different insights, these different ideas that I’m giving you, and after six months, see what happens. Maybe you will at least be at a place where you could talk about okay, you know, well, I don’t want to give advice for six months from now so you just wait and see because there’s plenty of ways that God could have put your marriage doing this work for six months. But anyway, like I said, if your wife if and when your wife It gets to a place. I do coach women and I love that it’s a it’s a wonderful opportunity to walk alongside a woman and really think through and live out how to bring more joy, intimacy, love, seduction and power and fierceness to the bedroom. I don’t do very many at once, because I’ve got a lot of other things going on in life. So if that is something that if you’re a wife listening by chance, or, or husband, that you have a wife that really wants this kind of coaching than I would love to work with her, you can go to delight your marriage.com you can click on Resources, and you can click on coaching with belah I don’t do single sessions anymore, because I found that it wasn’t productive enough, I really need to be able to dig into someone’s life with them and, and work with them week by week. And it’s really it’s really a God thing that says a lot of really amazing results and just people feeling free and they’re living out their sexuality and the way that God sees them and loves them. So was that what I wanted to say? Yes. And so I’m thinking about though I don’t I don’t coach for men. Which is a shame because I can’t, you know, think through and talk with you about your specific situation. I don’t think it’s appropriate, though, for me to coach you one on one. And so, I think I will work on developing a course for men. In the meantime, okay. But like I said, you know, if you know, a wife or you are one, consider the coaching potential. I mean, if you think about how expensive your wedding was, and how much more important your marriage is. It’s, it’s a really worthwhile investment. So, anyway, God bless you. I hope this has been really helpful. I’m praying for you, your marriage and most importantly, your walk with the Lord. Have a good week, and I hope that this is an encouragement to you. Alright, bye.
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