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I encourage you to first listen to Part 1 here. Today, you get to hear the gory details of how awful I was…from my husband. He is giving you all the dirt on me, for your benefit (hopefully!).

There’s a ton of mistakes I made that I thought was helping, but was actually driving a severe wedge between us. I was making it impossible for him to love me in the ways I was desperate for him to love me.

God has taught me a ton in my marriage. But by God’s grace, He continues to teach me. I thought I had it all figured out—but I had a lot more to learn. Through The Surrendered Wife book, I learned so much and I made important changes. But here’s my journey of understanding, right from my own husband.

In part 2, you’ll hear what was really going on behind closed doors.

• All the big mistakes I made which was wreaking havoc on my marriage though I had no idea.
• Why my husband didn’t want to go to weddings & social events that I so desperately wanted him to attend.
• How my insecurity caused my husband to be more insecure and wanted to do less of the activities I really wanted them to do.
• How I would treat my husband at parties, when walking down the street, and even in public at the grocery store ;/
• Why he felt like I treated him like a child and why I felt like he was acting like a child.
• How I realized that the truth of this scripture – Eph 5:33 Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

There’s a ton that has changed but it was a pretty muddy road, and I wonder if you might be able to relate or can hear how to avoid my mistakes.

 

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Transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah rose.

0:18
Hey there, and welcome. Thank you so much for joining. Now, I don’t know if you’ve listened to the show before. But it’s really focused on giving you the inspiration and the empowerment to live in wholehearted intimacy in your marriage. Because the most intimate marriages, emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and physical intimacy, they are the most powerful marriages the most unified, I truly believe you can do the most for God, if you are connected in those ways. So today is really focused in on emotional intimacy, that affects everything else, it really does. Because essentially, what my husband and I came from was a place where, though we had great physical intimacy, we really did, there was lacking this emotional intimacy that I could not figure out, it was really confusing, because I was doing all this work on marriage, I had read so many books on marriage, and yet, there was a piece that still I was stumbling over. And it wasn’t until we read her specifically, or I read a specific book called The surrendered wife that I things clicked. And I talked about that in part one of, of why he became romantic, I talked about that. But this part two, I wanted to focus in on practically what you can do as a wife, to encourage your husband to essentially become the man you fell in love with, again, you know, somehow he got you guys got married? And it seemed like he changed, right? But how do you encourage him to become the man not only that you would fall in love with but also the man that God wants him to be? And does that mean you are the woman that forces him to be those things? Or I mean, is that working for you? It definitely didn’t work for me. And my husband is here to give you all the dirt on the crazy things I used to do, embarrassing him in public, you know, on the sidewalk and the grocery store, the ways I used to talk to him, and I just didn’t, I had no idea. I thought I was doing things that were helpful. And that was supposed to encourage our intimacy, and they just did not. So my husband and I are going to chat. I’m kind of interviewing him to really understand where we were coming from his perspective on the things I was doing a little bit of why I was doing it from my perspective. And hopefully, it’ll give you a really good insight into, you know, maybe those are things that you could avoid in your own marriage that hopefully you’ll avoid the pitfalls I fell into. So. All right, well, let’s go ahead and dive in.

3:25
Okay, so here we are, I would like to kind of start the conversation, just giving the listeners a little insight into what we’ll be talking about. Okay. So honey, I just want to say thank you so much for doing this with me. I think it’s gonna be a really good conversation, just to give the listeners a little bit of insight into where we’ve been, and where we are now. By God’s grace, and hopefully there’ll be some insight or inspiration that God will kind of give to the listeners through this conversation.

4:06
Yeah, I’m not gonna lie I’m I’m a little nervous. Yeah. Shaky because this is strange. Yeah. Yeah. nervous because I don’t know what I’m, you know what I’m going to say? And

4:25
Swan about a lot of experience that we experienced before. Now, a lot experience that we experienced now, and we will experience

4:36
Yeah. Well, I’ll start off by saying, this is our real story, our real selves, and the only thing that is not real is My name is not really Bella and his name is not really D. But everything else is

4:54
everything else.

4:55
Everything else is real. Yeah, so Okay. Um, so the main point that I wanted to share with the listeners is really, essentially where we started off in our marriage, in terms of the way we interacted, and how you felt about how things were. And then how things changed, and why they changed. So, specifically, I’ve been, you know, I talked on the last episode with the listeners about how I changed essentially, I read a book called The surrendered wife. And the reason I read the book was because I just felt like, there were so many times you and I were having just over and over again, these issues. And I felt like we had, you know, intimacy in place. We were making love all the time, I felt like I was very generous, I knew what I was doing. And then there was this other element that was somehow just, I was missing. And I was frustrated, because I felt resentful, because here I am doing all this stuff that’s supposed to make you wild. And, you know, in love with me, and in a lot of ways you were

6:09
Oh, yeah. Yeah. But

6:14
but at the same time, somehow, there were things that were missing. So I read that book, and it just clicked. There were so many things that made sense to me. And so I kind of want to just talk about some things maybe that I used to do.

6:32
Sure. What are more, we something that I used to do, too. Okay? We though, I don’t know. And I’m so glad that you told me the reading, you were reading that surrender wife, and makes you feel like, you really want to respect me, and really want to get to know me and make me feel free to say what I think and feel free to say what I would like to do.

7:04
Because before that, you didn’t feel free. I feel

7:07
like before. Like, I didn’t feel like I should say certain things what was bothering me, or uncomfortable. Because I don’t want an argument. You know, and I just like okay, but even though you know that I wasn’t happy in those you know, on that side, like in our intimacy I was, you know, very happy. Yeah. Because I think you said listen to one of your episodes, the about you said like, libido, your low libido numb. I am very high. Thank God, thank you very cute. me healthy.

7:54
Yes, you are very healthy.

7:58
Yeah. And somehow, you know, I mean, like, I can say a lot of things, but, but just that knowing that you you were reading the book, and then start seeing a lot of things, a lot of changes how your how you treat me how you treat me just how you say certain things, because he treats me well. You know, you choose to respect but it just like you’re saying you’re saying certain things certain different.

8:30
So if you could think of some of the things that I did that you hated that I did. Could you give some examples?

8:41
Oh, yes. Well, I can give some examples. Like, you know, one thing I remember once your cousin’s wedding, went to your cousin’s wedding. And, you know, you you like to meet people you’d like to talk in front of people and, and you thought you were helping me of pushing me towards done one of those group and a conversation and you’re like, pushing me in all I wanted to use how to be or play with a dog and just in my little corner, I’m happy as I can be. I don’t need to talk to other people. I mean, yes, you want people want to talk to me, you know, talk to them, but that wasn’t my thing. It was like, too, it was too much for me. Yeah. And it wasn’t like your your, your you like you were just trying to help me, I think. But you didn’t know how to help me.

9:41
So I was kind of pushing you to be social

9:44
to be social. And that’s not my thing. Yeah, I am not social. I get nervous when when I talk, you know, with people right now. You know, I feel like people will listen to this and I feel like they’re they’re looking at me and they pay attention. What I’m saying? And yeah, and you’re just nervous. And I’m here looking at you, you know, in our tiny kitchen, and I’m nervous.

10:10
Did you feel like I pushed you to do this conversation? No.

10:14
No, it’s just like, No, no, because I just like, I know how I feel. Yeah. And I know how I feel. And that’s what I said to you before we start talking because I feel like, I was fine. You’re talking. You’re me, you know, laughing? And then you’re like, Okay, are we ready? And then somehow, instead of me started, like, things start feeling a little weird. And then these all these not anxiety, I don’t know how to explain, like, a little nervous and start shaking and like what we’re gonna shake, and I’m just talking to my wife having a conversation. And then so no, you’re not pushing me. I’m like, yeah, yeah. But, but back then it was. It was hard. Yeah. You know, I was, I didn’t want to go to weddings. I didn’t want to go to birthday parties. I did not want to go. Because it wasn’t for me, instead of enjoying myself. I was frustrated and angry. I didn’t want to go, you know?

11:08
And why was the reason that you didn’t want to go?

11:12
Because I feel like, the reason why I didn’t want to go because I felt like I will be forced to talk other people and crew. In other groups, actually, you know, one person yet. But if like, I feel like I was being pushed, and forced and a half to talk to a group of people. Yeah. We know, like, one of the things I guess you can, you can distinguish that English is my second language. So it’s even harder for me to understand even when there’s a jokes, and everybody laughs and I pretend that I understand. And I have no clue I don’t understand that makes me feel uncomfortable. Of course, you know, and a lot of people are talking about their jobs and careers, you know, talking about lawyers, and doctors and teachers and all this stuff. And I’m like, I’m none of those. None of those. I just, you know, I don’t have to hide careers. I guess I can say that. And I feel like, I don’t belong to the level, you know, and I feel like because I don’t belong to the level. And then here, I’ve been pushed and forced to do that, as I even worse. Wow. But yeah, now I see, you know, like real life and all those things. But back then it wasn’t fun.

12:28
And here, it was me feeling insecure, because I wanted everyone to know how amazing you are amazing. And so here, I was trying to kind of encourage you to go talk to them. Because I know you’re incredible. And so I thought I was helping by encouraging you to go do that. And yet to you it was making you feel like you’re not good enough.

12:54
Yeah. I feel like a lot of times because we were brought to this events. Yeah, I feel like a lot of people they’re there. They got a big jobs, you know, lawyers thing. And loose carriers that there is no way for me to get over there. It’s not like, like, there’s cannot go, you know, to this couriers. It’s just like, there’s so well educated in how they dress and how they eat and how they drink and how they talk. And I did not came that type of culture. As you, you know, now. Yeah.

13:38
Well, just for the listeners, my husband is really an incredible man. And regardless of the outside things, you know, that’s why I’ve, you know, learned so much from him. You know, he says that he doesn’t have all these, the accolades, but the thing is, he’s got way more than you could even imagine. So. So in any case, I can hear what you’re saying that in those situations, it felt like I was pushing you to be part of something you had reasons you didn’t want to be part of. And what I should have done was appreciate that you were just with me that you decided to come and you would have been happy in the corner with your beer. I could have gone and done what would make me happy. And then we’re both happy enjoying my cousin’s wedding.

14:31
Right? Yeah. Yeah. Because now it’s different. You know?

14:34
What’s it like now?

14:36
What now like, for example, because you know, I guess now the whole thing how I feel because you know, surrender wife this book. It’s amazing. I encourage wives to listen. Yeah. But like, like I tell my wife, I encourage wife to listen. But if they’re really willing to change the way that they’re thinking about how they’re encouraged their husbands, because doesn’t matter how amazing the book it is, or the other program or whatever it is, if you don’t know, ready to change, that won’t affect you. Yeah, at least you won’t. If you’re like, refusing to see that you’re hurting. Right, your loved one, it will just think is another piece of paper. Right, you know, but if you believe it in is good for marriage, you know, and now I feel like when we go to wedding and one of your best friends, yeah. And you know me and, and, you know, your, what’s it called a bride’s bride, I was a bridesmaid. And I was fine. It was just me, myself and some people from our church, you know, and I had my beard and I love some, you know, Allah, that when you come over there, and no, you know, just in my corners, it can take your beard. Sure. And the come and get a beer. And I was like, let’s go get some food. You know, and you know that I’m fine. You know, that I don’t feel left behind. Because that’s who I am. And, and, you know, now they’ll understand that I don’t have to be a big cruise, you know, innocuous view of myself, you know, if I’m here, my beer or my water, whatever it is, yeah, food. And I feel like I pretend I’m busy. So people talk to me. But you know, people will come talk to me and try to have conversations, whatever, but and then here and there. Sometimes you come check me, I just said, Hey, are you okay? You have a good time? And I’m like, yeah, thank you. And you know, and you see, sometimes my beard is, like, almost empty. And I’m like, Can I do some more? Let me get some weird, and I feel like, you know, like, this is amazing woman that I can easily easy can go and get my beer. But my wife knows me loves me know how I feel. She wants in order to get me a drink for me. And to me, it’s like, it might sound a little silly. But to me, like, it’s amazing that my wife can do that for me. She doesn’t have to. She does she does not feel like, force that you have to go. You know, because you love your husband. Yeah, sure you don’t things nice for your husband. Yeah. And I think that no, now it’s different. Other thing about, you know, what happened, we you know, the corrections. We have a friends in China. My turn to speak or whatever, you know, and, and I tried to speak and then to me to speak, you know, English, and I had to process a little bit. So I had to think about a little bit and then say it. And then here comes my wife and helps me to, to jump out and say the whole conversation. So I’m like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s, that’s, that’s what I was gonna say, you know, and you know, everybody was looking at us. And I didn’t want to feel like, like, Oh, she’s correct me. I just feel like, okay, yeah, that’s, that’s what I were meant to say. But I didn’t want to feel like that. You know, and those things, for example, other thing. I see, there’s a lot of things.

18:20
So, so can I yeah, just so for the corrections. So, what would happen is, you were starting to explain a story. And then I would jump in and explain the stories

18:33
from the story. Yeah. Which was fine. Because, you know, you know, what, your language you’re more can explain other stuff. But sometimes really exciting. You like to explain, you know, and you felt like you were helping,

18:50
and I didn’t think I was helping. You’re right.

18:53
Yeah, and, you know, like, some parts. So, Kay, feel like that, like you feel you’re helping. And sometimes of rather not, I’m like, not say anything. You know, because, no, I just didn’t feel like you know, feel like I’ll be able to speak well.

19:17
So did it. Did it make you feel like you were nervous that I would jump in?

19:22
Yeah. Yeah, like, again, nervous. I’m like, and this was sometimes like, hey, what do you think? And I’m like, No, I’m okay. You know, I’m okay. I’ll pass maybe as the other person. Because that’s one of the things that I was afraid that I, you know, I’ve been correct. Or, you know, like, jump into my wife willing to help me. I’m sorry. Oh, you know, we grow in and you can tell a lot of things about me what I think you know, and

19:55
I can say I did not know that. correcting you made you almost like more quiet. Like, I understand that you were quiet in groups, but the fact that I would correct you when you finally were saying things I didn’t realize that made made it even worse that you would.

20:16
Yeah, not definitely gonna make it easier. Wow. You know, other thing, for example, that when you walk in front of me, or when you used to walk in front of me, yeah, you know, I did not like it at all. Because I feel like, you know, we had two little ones. And I feel like I’m the third little one, I’m the third child because our mother’s walking in front of us, and she’s telling us to hurry up. And then, you know, she’s talking to whatever the person is, and I feel like, Licious stay here until our mother will go and have fun. You know? Just that, that, uh, that the feeling of all like, you know, you walk in front of me. Other thing? You know, for example, when we go to, to the grocery store, Oh, yeah. When you go to the grocery store, and remember, when you’re aware, you’re upset? Yeah, well, you’re very upset. And we have our little ones, you know, they’re, they’re not wanting to stay still. They want to touch things, they want to chew things. And you’re upset and all this stuff. And everybody, I feel like at least that everybody was looking at me, as I like, Who is the man of the house? I guess she’s she puts the rules put it that way, because the rules are all her kids will, which is me. You know, and I feel like the worst. Wow. Because I feel so good respect to that in front of people. And I feel like why? Why would my wife to respect me like that, but wasn’t, like, willing to say because I always want to be an argument. And I don’t know how to how to say it. You know, and she was, uh, you know, some other things.

22:16
So for the walking in front of thing, just to circle back. Because I was moving in front of you, and you’re behind me. I didn’t ask you. If it’s okay. You know, I didn’t say I’d like to go in front and you say, Oh, sure. That’s fine. I just went for it. And here you are, you know, behind with the kids and it made you feel like I was the mother?

22:40
Yeah. Like, yeah, just say, Okay, I’m another kid.

22:47
That’s a terrible feeling of sleep.

22:48
I feel like wars feeling like so I’m like, trying to forget so worse my spot me. Supposed to be a man macho, like who’s making worse my spot as a man of the house? I am or am I am not. I guess I am not. I’m just I’m a man, but not men of the house. Not like man of the house like you. Do you put your rules? No, no, just the feeling that you’re in charge of your family? I think and that’s what I felt like there were I wasn’t in charge of my family. You know, and shallow struggle. Where was my spot? At home? And your family? I think that that change?

23:29
Yeah. Can we also talk about the the grocery store?

23:34
Yeah. The grocery store? Have we just felt Phil. Phil embarrass? Was it something like your film? embarrassed that? Like the next time like I wanted to go grocery store is up meet up myself, my kids. So you can stay here? Yeah. You know, because I did not want to go with you. Yeah, I don’t. But of course, if you asked me to go, I will go. But I know how I will feel. And I you know, I pretend sometimes that I’m trying to get something else. So you can go first. So kind of pretend like I don’t know you and then like, Okay, we meet outside and Okay. How’s everything? Okay. Wow, trying to skip that.

24:19
I mean, it meant so much to you in a negative way of the way I was acting. Because I was arguing with you in public? Yeah. So it was one thing. And the other thing is that, like you said, it was almost like, I’m the one that makes all the rules in our house. Is that what it felt like?

24:43
That’s what it felt like? And I was like, okay, she makes all the rules. So I guess my kids follow the rules, and I am the other kids. So I’m going to follow the rules too. Because we’re not allowed to say what we think. And I feel like I’m I’m a grown man. But I don’t feel like that. Yeah, well, at least I didn’t feel like that.

25:07
That’s a terrible feeling, right? To feel like, you’re not the man of the house. And the interesting thing is, I was feeling the same way. I was feeling like, you were acting like a little boy, you couldn’t figure these things out on your own. You were waiting for me to tell you what to do all the time. You know, that’s how I was feeling. I felt like I did have to treat you like a child. Because, you know, all the things I was hoping you would be as a man you weren’t doing. But it turns out it was because you were feeling everything you did. I was attacking. So you’re like, Well, might as well not do it. Might as well just wait for her to tell me. Oh, yeah. I mean, is that

25:45
right? No, that’s, you’re absolutely right. Just like you said about it, some of what the things that you want me to do. So I have to do it, and how to do it. And if whether it had to do or, or when you say, you know, like, I don’t want you to move this thing. Feel like okay, so I want I would like to, because I know there will be something else here. But and then because she says, I don’t want you to move this here. I wanted to stay some level. Okay, so I guess I won’t move anything in the house. So basically, we’ll, like we talked about, like, putting some things on your on your path on your on, you’re on your path while you’re walking. I feel like it you know, like, you were feeling that you were helping me. I feel like you’re putting rocks on my on my path on my way to protect, you know, to, to love you, it was even harder. Because you you know, you felt like you were helping me. And I feel like that wasn’t helping at all.

26:54
Can I tell a story that we talked about last night? Yeah. Um, so one of the things I remember I did just a little example. But I used to do stuff like this is I think the, you know, it’s just you and I walking. And I remember pointing over to a couple across the street and saying, Oh, honey, you see that couple over there? Don’t they look so happy and in love? And you’re like, yeah, they do. And I was like, Why do you think they look so happy and in love? And you looked at me with a look? And you’re like, I don’t know why? And I said because he’s holding her hand. And he’s like, Oh, nice, like, but you never hold my hand. Why don’t you hold my hand? And I thought I was being I thought I was being very clear that I wanted him to hold my hand. And how did it feel to you?

27:56
Well, I feel like my wife is comparing me. I feel like my wife is comparing me to another man. And that I feel like comparing. So I feel like she’s attacking me. Yeah. So as she’s attacking me, I get increased. So I feel like, so why don’t just go over there. And, guys, they asked him, you know, here, he’s fine. He really love. But back then. Oh, man, I feel like okay, so why don’t just go you know, how can we if you want? No. So you can feel like that? You know if he’s, I feel the criticize. Yeah. And I feel like she’s attacking me. And no, like, I’m not wanting to do it. Yeah, it’s not that you’re telling me like, okay, so you’re comparing me? Because so he does this, all this stuff. So why am I am less than them what the person is, I’m less to the other person. And I’m sorry, compared to other people that they, you know, that they love or hold hands or kiss or whatever. And I’m like, oh, so I don’t do those things. So she feel this way. And she’s telling me all those things about me comparing how comparing, you know? And I’m like, okay, so mine is well, I’m not wanting to do because the way that she does what she thinks,

29:14
right. Right, because I’m comparing you to others and saying, Well, you’re not good enough.

29:20
And then I’ll stop saying because if she thinks that I’m not good enough, and she’s telling me that I’m not good enough, and then why won’t want to try from trying to be good enough to the other people? No, because there is no encouragement, right? At least to me, I see my view there is no encouragement there was mostly comparing or criticize at least I felt and attacking.

29:46
Yeah. So what I should have said and what I say things like this now is I say things like, Oh, honey, I would like you to hold my hand. And that what does that feel? Like instead?

30:01
Well, I feel like I feel like it like I don’t compare anyone. You’re telling me how you like, yeah, you know how you like and no, sometimes I feel like we walk onto the street. And I’ll remember what you said. You know, I remember what you said. And then less like, on purpose me trying to hold your hand. Hmm. You know and use you smiling. So thank you. Yeah, I’m smiling like, Oh, I really meant so much to her. But I wasn’t thinking about like, oh, so she wasn’t comparing but no, you know? No, I just felt like, she likes it. Yeah. And she appreciate it. And like me, feel let me make sure that she feels that way. Yeah, that she feels like that. Because I don’t feel like I’m, you know, she’s compared with anybody. And not everybody else is better than me. So she just wants her husband to, you know, hold her in. Yeah, good thing, right. You know, my son’s simple but, right. And I’m sorry, yeah, my phone is simple. But it’s just not that simple. If you actually do it.

31:15
It’s true. It’s sound simple, but it’s hard. It’s hard. Because for me, it’s vulnerable, because I’m telling you what I would like. And you could say no, or you could ignore what I just shared with you. You know, oh, but I wanted to go back to what you said about the path with the rocks, because that was something. So if we use the example of the situation that I was my husband is really, really creative. So sometimes, he’ll say these, like, these examples that are just are perfect. And he told me about this last night, while we were kind of discussing what we were going to talk about today. And so with this situation, where I, what I wanted, was for him to hold my hand, which would make me feel more loved. It would make me feel more intimate and connected to my husband. But explain a little Do you remember explain the path

32:15
they can explain? I just felt like, by her comparing me to other people, which means like, there are other people who are better than me. Why should I try? I feel like she’s putting rocks on my path, to love her or to care about her, What’s encouraged her? And I’m trying to walk beside her by saying certain things. Yeah, I feel like she keeps hitting rocks, like getting kind of like, triple A little bit here and there. And she’s frustrated, like, why don’t you just do what other people do? And then we should be okay. Right? Why didn’t I feel like I’m trying, but I can’t because you keep putting all this rocks on my path. Yeah, I can’t keep up with everybody else. Because I’m actually getting behind, I feel like I’m, I’m not going to do I’m going to walk even slower. So keep, you know, rocks, my, my path where I’m wanting to walk because I’m not even want to try. You know, and I think that’s, that’s how I felt. But I can tell you about how things change. Yeah. That a bow when, you know, one of the things that I love when we go and take the subway train. And then, you know, like some there’s a lot of people in New York if you leave or be in New York City, Paris rush hour, and there’s a lot of people and there’s, you know, a small space. And I you know, make sure I hold on a pole, make sure I don’t fall and my wife does me as I can I can I can hold you, you know, so she can read her books because she loves reading her books. You know, she loves reading books, she loves learning things, new things. She learned she loves learning everything she loves to be prepared and learn things, new things, whether new old things but she loves learning, learning, learning learning. And he now remember that she was holding me in with the with her arm. And then on the other arm, she was reading a book. And then she smiled on me and she says, I think this is very sexy. And I was like, holy hands and then she gives me a kiss. And then she gave me a kiss on my neck and start rolling my my back when the train stops. And I feel like wow, you know, I’m just holding you so you don’t fall. But I wasn’t really know how actually she was feeling. Yeah, she was feeling really feeling me. Yeah. How she feel like, I’m not gonna let her fall. Yeah, I had to make sure my buddies you know is I don’t know how do you say strong enough? So she doesn’t fall and she just trust me. I feel like those things that she’s taking off those rocks away from my path to what we heard. Yeah. You know, for example, now when we go to the trains, to the trains to the grocery store, we go over there. And then she rolls my back. And she says, I love you, thank you for doing this. And then she smiles at my case. And, man, I’m telling you that the amazing the ages, like, feel that when you know, she just kiss me rub my hand and then she says, Thank you, or, or I love you, honey. I appreciate you. I respect you, man. I feel like the whole world’s it’s with me. Yeah. And I feel like, my chin is up, I can walk straight in, I feel so respected. And she just took a bunch of rocks and my pad sucking me here even closer. And at least that’s why I, I feel like, you know, with that, in I even tell her as I thank you so much for respect me the way because I told you before, like, please don’t ever do that, again, through respect in front of people. Because that is the worst feeling like some men, especially I’m sure, you know, a woman to ever feel like me is somebody, that’s what I felt like their perspective. And then now, you know, because I know, you told me that you’d like to hold my hands and walk on the street. And then I feel like I have to hold your hand. And that becomes a habit. And they want to hold your hand. So you just give me a kiss. You know, or you hold me. And then you say thank you for holding my hand. You know, I didn’t know that it means so much to you. But because the way you told me how why I’m sorry, doing it. Instead of how you compare me you tell me how you like, not how other people are doing it. So I should do in the other people were doing the same thing? Yeah. So I feel like those those things. You know, now when when, for example, in a group of people, yeah, well, group people like, like I say, you know, she, you know, gets me a beer. Well, what can we are you like or drink anything? He knows, because she knows me that I’m not going to feel left behind. I’m just I’m happy with my with my drink. And that’s where we go sometimes to

37:19
you know, not parties. I don’t know, somebody having music and dance and food. Yeah. So, you know, we try to figure it out, like so you be in charge of the kids for one hour, and I’ll be in charge of the kids for the other hour? And I’m like, no, no, I know, you’d like to talk to people. Let me be in charge with the kids. You know, if any help, I’ll ask you can you? Can you help me? You know, with the kids for a little bit. And then because I feel like I had to keep myself busy. So I don’t have to talk with people. Even all those people that I know them, you know? But and then once you see the kids are fine. And then I feel calm, start feeling comfortable. I didn’t feel pressure, that I had to have to speak to this people. Excuse me, I feel like you’re not feel free to do those things. Yeah, you know, and then my wife comes like, here, I make your drink, like amazing thing is happening. And I feel like, you know, she asked me and she tells me I love you and all those things. Yeah. And I feel like, not feel forced, and I feel deserve respect. I feel respected. And I feel like she knows me. And I feel free to do what I would like to do not feel especially forced to, to do things that I don’t want to do it. Yeah, you know, no, start talking feel comfortable.

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So that’s the first part of listening to the gory details of the way I was, and by God’s grace, how I have changed. And I’m still changing, there are still times when I accidentally am walking in front of my husband, or I’m just making a split decision where I should be more focused on surrendering rather than rushing to a birthday party, for example. So it’s amazing that God still gives us the grace to learn. And that’s a big part of this journey of marriage is that we learn to be more like Christ in every way. My husband learns to be more like Christ, that when he loves me the way that God tells him to love me and I become more like Christ when I love my husband the way that I’m told to love my husband. And it’s really interesting, you know, Ephesians 533 says, Let each one of you love his wife as himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband. And it’s really interesting, right? Because I was not respecting my husband. And he was not loving me. But so I made the change of respecting my husband. And now he’s made the change in response to love me. And it’s just interesting that that’s what we ultimately want most is the husband wants to be respected in his home by his wife, and the wife wants to be loved in her home by her husband. And it’s just a beautiful thing, I hope that you got some great value from our conversation today, in thinking about just the situations we’ve been in, I hope that that just lingers and kind of gives you understanding as an insights, we have two more parts to our conversations coming up. And it all continues to stem around the changes I’ve made and how we’ve become a much more unified body, and how my husband has responded to my changes how literally, he became different in so many ways, as a result of my own changes. So I really, really encourage you this week in terms of homework, since I’m still having that discount. before November 24. I have a discount going for coaching. So I after a coaching session, I always give them homework to practice so that, you know we make the biggest gains as possible over coaching. But this week, I encourage you, I want you to really focus in on what ways can you respect your husband more? So last week, you made a list of what ways are you disrespecting your husband? This week, I want you to begin really thinking about how can you respect him more? How can you be more proactive on some of the ways that you used to accuse him? How can you instead encourage the things that you love that he does do? And then say things like, I’d like this, rather than say you never do this, say, I’d like to hold your hand. I’d like to walk in the park. And so when you change it to force or accuse or criticize, it becomes something that he knows what will make you happy and so he can choose whether or not this is something he’s able to do right now or not. But ultimately he knows this is what you would like. So see how you can practice that this week. All right, God bless. See we will talk next week.

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Thanks for listening. Stop by delight your marriage.com to check out all the show notes as well as many more resources and articles. Until next time, live with love, wisdom impassion