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“I wish I could have done this course before I got married.” – Pastor Bennie
This is a statement that we commonly hear at DYM. Whether a marriage is good or bad, whether couples have been married many years or few, marriage after marriage has been profoundly impacted through DYM – praise God!
In this podcast, Pastor Bennie shares about his personal experience taking Masculinity Reclaimed – DYM’s main coursework for husbands.
He shares how the course helped him to better understand and love his wife and helps to address heart issues – which is the root of the problem to begin with.
Pastor Bennie shares about the “massive” changes that he and other men in the course with him experienced while progressing through the course.
You know, I don’t know where you are in your marriage right now, but I would want for every marriage out there the great results that SO many couples are experiencing here at DYM!
We invite you to consider if this may be the place for you to find breakthrough or even just a brand new level of greatness in your marriage. It has been that way for all of us on the DYM team, and we love sharing our new normal with everyone else…because you just can’t help but share things that have totally changed your life!
You don’t have to just take our word for it, Pastor Bennie and so many others have shared their stories, too! We would love for YOU to experience a better, richer marriage, too, so come on in and join us!!
delightyourmarriage.com/cc – I invite you to schedule a free call with our course advisor to investigate if DYM may be the right fit for you.
Transcript
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. You’re joining me belah rose as I dive deep into the beauty, power and truth about intimacy, learn not only the practicals, but the heart behind what making love is all about delight your marriage. Hi, there, I’m so grateful that you’re joining this is Bella. And today’s conversation is just fantastic Ben, he is on. And he is this marvelous man from South Africa. And he’s a pastor, and he just has wonderful insights and ways of seeing his wife that I think you’re going to pick up a lot of great tips from, and it’s just going to give you a lot of hope that your marriage can change. I’m so excited for you to hear what he has to say. And if you see yourself in any story of a pretty good marriage, but you want to fall in love again. I mean, what are you waiting for? Benny gives you the the next steps, but I’ll invite you to go to the light your marriage.com/cc We’d love to have you on the inside, we’d love to see what God has waiting for you. And if you’re not in that spot where you’re going to jump in right now, no matter what you’re gonna get a lot of encouragement and inspiration that Benny has for you. He’s got so many great things that you’re gonna want to hear. So let’s dive in Alright, well, Benny, again, thank you so much for doing this.
1:53
That’s a pleasure. Yeah,
1:55
so can you just start off, just tell us a little bit about your marriage and who you are, and anything you’d like?
2:02
Oh, well. So I’m from Africa, South Africa. And so I’ve been married for 15 years, I’ve got a we’ve got three kids. And, you know, it went well, until the kids came, then it was a little bit older kids put a lot of pressure on, on my wife. And then I made lots of mistakes. To be honest, Bella actually said to my wife a couple of times, I wish I could have done this course before I got married. I wish I could have done this. Before we even had children, it would have made such a bit, of course, so much less hurt and stuff or misunderstanding and things like that. So I’m really appreciative. But I mean, we’ve been married for 15 years, our marriage is not that bad. But the intimacy has been by far the biggest fights that we’ve had is because of intimacy, we referred one another and because we just didn’t understand one another, I didn’t make a feel safe. I became a teacher, you know, and I’m a pastor, and we know how to teach. And I was trying to teach my stupid things. You know, you try and create. You’re trying to help and you’re trying to direct her but you’re actually doing the opposite you actually, she feels criticized, she feels she’s not good enough. And then the end result is apathy. And she became tied to the nonresponsive in the bed and, and I thought she’s the problem. Because in our minds, obviously, you know, that she’s the problem was perfect. But then, you know, I yeah, I just saw what, what it’s not working. And then, you know, so through the school of hard knocks, I’ve learned some lessons. And what really helped a lot when I started listening to your podcast man that opened up my eyes and it helped me to deal with a face that was in my heart which there’s so often like I defense against my wife. And and you know that I was angry? Why does she have a veto? Why God chief what’s the problem? Yeah. And then I realized it’s because I wasn’t creating a safe environment. It wasn’t the problem was with me. And so that was really a blessing because it helped me to really forgive you know, to get out of the blame shifting and so that’s, I don’t know, that’s just some of the things I can share. I can share more, but
4:39
I just love it. Well, what yeah, what maybe led you to deciding Mr. was the right thing for you.
4:47
I really prayed about it because you know, obviously there’s some in a living in South Africa, we’ve got dollar to rent, which is can be quite disheartening and cuz it’s not always that nice. But anyway, I really prayed about it. And I really felt the Lord actually lead me to do it. And I actually shared this decision. But this was for me quite powerful, is, I really prayed about it until and I really felt such a peace. And every excuse I had the Lord say to me, gave me an answer for. And then I didn’t tell my wife initially, because I just prayed about it. And then I made the plunge. And I just did it. And that night, which was amazing, I had a dream, and my wife had a dream. And she dreamed, we actually got married again, and we were in love again. And it was just, and when I woke up, that was such a confirmation in my heart that I knew this is an instrument, the two that God is using. And I still believe it. Now, I still believe I’ve learned so much because I’m impersonating. So I’ve got a lot of people struggling with marriages. And I’ve already seen the principles and tools have learned from this course, have already seen it’s helped people it’s helped already you being brought healing, which is such a blessing or just understanding. Because we as men, we can be stupid, man, we think a woman works like like we do, and they just don’t, it’s just the same. And that’s one of the things to be honest through this course. And through your podcast, I’ve learned to understand how my wife works a lot better. Give me a lot of you understand how they work. This is sketchy. It says you should learn to walk with understanding with your wife. And this is what this is done. It’s really taught me how to love my wife better. And that is for me such that’s priceless. And secondly, it also it’s helping me I’m still green and growing. But it’s helped me to understand myself as a man began to accept myself better. And because sometimes we can see our need is something not good or dirty or stuff like that, and realize that but this is actually the way God made me. And it’s actually good. But I’m still in that process.
7:12
Yes, that is so good. And what did you think of the the way that mr. is set up? You know, with?
7:20
Well, I think it’s amazing, because I don’t know how you you don’t know where you got it must be God because it’s really, it’s really, really good. And it’s really dynamite for man. It’s just because it’s practical. And I love it that you don’t give too many long lectures. Because if it was too long lectures, people will probably get bored. But it’s it’s practical. You’ve got your thoughts D and what I love about it, it’s you do with the hall. And that is so powerful, because this is scripture in Proverbs says that, out of the abundance of the heart, you know, the abundance of you know, the issues of life flows. And it basically says your boundaries, your life is determined what’s going on in your heart. So if this offense in your heart, they if there’s skewness, or wrong perceptions in your heart about your wife, it will actually hinder you for stepping into the promised land. And that is what this course is a brilliant because it helps you address the issues in your heart. You know, Isabella, something, I always tell people when they come to me for for marriage counseling, then the wife goes off, bla bla, bla, bla, and then the husband goes off, blah, blah, blah, and they just shooting, shooting, shooting, when they get down shooting at one another and find rocks at one another, then I say you know what you can do absolutely nothing about that person. But what you can do is change yourself. And that’s what I love about this course. It’s incredible tools to change you to transform your heart. And I mean, I really experienced some of the bliss, things of that during this course, I did get subtracted at the end a little bit. But especially in the beginning, the first nine modules was amazing. I could feel I really fell in love with my wife again. There’s so many it’s just I think it’s really I was amazed at how complete it is. It’s like this almost AB every aspect is looked at unit to help analyze ways the problem which is so brilliant. I left the coaching calls, the coaching calls are amazing. It’s really good because you’ve got all this brothers, I enjoyed listening to the coaching the tools, the tips that you give, it’s really godly advice. It’s really brilliant. I love the slack. The slack is awesome, you know chatting with the guys there. You know to be honest as well in the beginning, you know sometimes we as men, we can be lazy, but then you think but I’ve got the Brotherhood waiting for me so I better pick up my socks. So that really worked. I think it’s all in all it’s a brilliant program. And I actually felt like during some of the calls I could feel because of the thankfulness and gratitude. So I could feel I was actually focusing a change completing my focus. And I was focusing on all the good that my wife is. And I could feel I actually fell in love with her again, which was amazing. So there’s so many amazing things I’ve actually experienced from this course, that not only me, but also the people in my congregation that people struggling with marriages that I’ve applied, which is really good. So I’m a big fan.
10:29
Danny, that’s it. That’s so exciting to hear. Oh my gosh, wow, that is so good.
10:35
That’s actually to be honest with you. I want to go back to module one. And I want to redo it from scratch. And can I just say one more thing that really was really amazing rocket see was such a game changer. But there are many game changes. But one of the things that was for me, also a game changer is the playful the ideas and to make being playful this into your marriage. Man, that was amazing. That just changed the whole atmosphere in our house. Like I could feel like, you know, sometimes the dealing with my wife and the kids and son can be edgy, because I know why. Because it can be challenging. And then it was amazing how the playfulness that I’d prefer, actually, that, you know, she started doing that with the kids. And it just changed the atmosphere in the house, which was amazing. So yeah, I can share one more testimony. Just during dinner, when I just started with of course, there was a thermal effect. She said to me, you freaking out, Benny, you freaking out. And I’m like, What do you mean? She said, Because you’re doing everything right. And that’s really what this course teaches you, it teaches you to love what you’re a woman while and if you are a godly man, or just a decent man. That’s what you really want. You want to love your worthwhile. You want to appreciate that you want to embrace? And yeah, so this is what this course does. I think it’s brilliant. I’m a big fan, as already said, and I will recommend it to any guy out there. Enroll. It’s worth it. And I tell you, you know something else I want to say Bella, just regarding finances. You know, a lot of people might get a five different look at the finances. But I tell you this something that happens when you’re willing to invest? Actually, when you’re willing to invest in something, there’s often a stream of blessing that is released by you taking the plunge. I think it’s worthwhile. So anyway, I think God sees that any values that? Oh,
12:32
wow, that that is so so special. And I mean, I’m any obviously I’m not a perfect human or a perfect coach.
12:43
That’s it. That’s Jesus, we know your meal.
12:47
Yes, yes. So in spite of me, it’s really beautiful to hear your thoughts. That’s really special. Did you how was it with the other guys like did you see shifts in their marriages and lives and even intimacy as well?
13:03
Massive, I mean, some of the guys is incredible. I’m not going to name names, but I mean, the one guy, it was absolutely amazing from that it is God. And it’s amazing. Because you know what, what a woman is a responder in it says the woman is the glory of man she read, she’s made to respond to us. And if there has been changes, I tell him most of the time the women follow suit. And I’ve seen that time and time again, you know, to be honest with you. And one of the things I’ve actually found in my life, whenever me and my wife, we had this, we prescribed in it’s not going well, we struggling, then I would go and pray our God, you have to change his wife, you know, it’s a problem, you know, and then what would happen in the end, the Lord would show me know, Benny, she’s not the problem, you’re the problem. You’ve got this, this problem in your heart. And then I actually got to a place where I thought, Man, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with my wife, I think she’s an angel. Because every time I pray for its, instead of being mean, there’s a problem in my heart that God wants to address. So I think that’s what I love about the course as well. It helps you address and expose the issues in your heart that that is lacking. And if you deal with it, in a course, you get a lot of homework, and it’s some work, but it’s good for you. And if you deal with it, it will take your marriage to the next level. And it’s worthwhile, you know, I think marriage can either be heaven or hell. And this is such a good to take into is that you haven’t bought and I did experience it for a lot of it during this course and I did see it for other guys as well. incredible results. I mean to really to be honest, like some of the guys I thought that I don’t think but in the scores you’ll be lucky if there’s some results and because some of the guys missed up like all of us do. I mean, I’ve messed up royally. But it was just incredible. The restoration and the healing in intimacy in relationship and household atmospheres changing. I mean, this is scripture, it says Hope deferred makes the heart sick. And I could see this a few guys with hearts that are sick odds, there are no not, you can see they’re not responding, they depressed. And I could see how it’s changed. I could see hope. And while this is working, and I’ve also seen a lot of results, which is working and it is powerful.
15:36
Beautiful, beautiful Benny. And, um, I want to ask you about something that a lot of guys are concerned about, like their wives would never support them doing a course like this. And you said you, you know, you felt comfortable just to start the course without her knowing it? Could you give a person who might be listening? Who has that concern? On his mind? Any kind of thoughts?
16:02
Well, to be honest, I think it’s amazing if, if, for me, or if any guy that is willing to pay so much money to do the schools means he loves his wife. For me, it means when we you your treasure is your heart is for me, it means Man, this guy, his wife is actually getting the right place in his heart, which is like she’s about finances Our lover. So I really value that. And I also think in doing this course, I think it’s actually good. If you don’t tell you why from the beginning, I think it’s really good. Because otherwise she’ll put a question mark, is this for the course? Or is this real? And I think is therefore actually good. If you don’t tell her. That’s my opinion. But I mean, it depends on marriage. Every couple is unique. But I really think oh would recommend it. It just shows your heart where your money is where your holidays. You know, they always say your it’s your wallet that gets born again, last.
17:02
Say one more time. It’s your should it be?
17:04
It’s your wallet, the nominee gets born again last.
17:11
Night is a good one. I’m gonna write that. That’s awesome. That’s awesome. And can I ask you, um, I just love you know, lots of things about you, Benny, you’re just just fantastic. And you’ve been just wonderful throughout the program. And so encouraging of all the other guys. And you know, one thing that you mentioned is that you listened to the podcast ahead of taking Mr. And I’m curious, you know what, why do you think it was helpful to not just listen, but actually be in Mr. Because it sounds like you suggest actually going into the course not just being listener? Or what do you think? Yeah,
17:49
there’s a massive difference. You can’t even compare the two. I mean, and then they completely different. Listen to is good. But I mean, there’s so many benefits of being the course like the the way it set out the practical. I think it’s brilliant, the way it’s set up because you first deal with the heart and get your heart right that the the, you know, your wife can see many sincere that she didn’t feel safe and known and treasured. You know, and then you see I did listen. Yes, she’s the one she’s the only then at the end of the course you start dealing with the sexual issues. And for me, it is brilliant, the way it’s laid out. You can see it’s by a woman that understands women understand how it works. You know that the, the way that the worm homework, the group sessions, the the coaching calls, all of it is brilliant. I enjoyed all of it I and also the fellowship that you have with the guys. I mean, just to say again, all the guys I’ve dealt with or amazing, they are godly men, they are sincere, I would be friends with them anytime. I really value them because again, it just shows me I believe the guy that does this, it shows something about his heart really does. For a guy to invest. This tells me he is committed to his wife. He meant what it says what he said, when he did his vows It means he meant what he said, Man, I am committed to this women today, if it cost me everything I’m willing to pay. Man, I’ll tell you, I value that and this course is worthwhile. It is amazing. It’s completely different. I enjoy the podcasts. I’ve listened to them a lot. And I’ll some of them I’ve listened to like 567 times, because I’m like, Man, I need to grasp this because I guess I’m a slow learner at times. But I need to grasp this. I need to catch this I need to which is really good. But it’s completely different. You can’t beat them. It’s not the same. So I don’t know if that helps. I
19:52
mean yeah, and did I pay you for this money?
19:56
No, no, no, no, no, no Oh, no, no, no, it’s worth paying to do this.
20:06
This is This is amazing. And so, you know, I just so appreciate it any, any any thoughts, you know, to maybe a man that’s, that’s on the fence that you just want to if you have any final pieces of advice or ideas for him,
20:25
man, I would say jump off the fence, come do it, you won’t regret it. I mean, you’ve got the 14 day money back guarantee. But I tell you, once you’ve enrolled, and you see the blessing, you see the changes. I mean, it’s like the difference between heaven and hell, you know, you a lot of men are probably experiencing a little bit of how, and I tell you, the schools will change that if you apply it, it’s gonna take some hard work. I mean, so if it and your your heart work, it’s both and it will change your marriage, it will change your life. It’s the thing is if your marriage is doing well, everything does well. But if your marriage is struggling, a B thing is a struggle. I mean, you’re if you’re in ministry, it will stop your ministry. If you’re in business, it will, it will make it difficult for your business with your children, your family, everything I always say the following I say if, for me, being in ministry, is my pulpit is my family. And if my family isn’t doing well, in my relationships, I don’t have I don’t have a pulpit to preach on. And that’s why I’m willing to invest and to see transformation day. Because I believe, I believe the following To be honest, I believe God won’t promote you until those things are sorted. No, I mean, because he values that most.
21:45
Wow, that’s beautiful, Benny. Ah, amen. I love it. Well, you know, I didn’t ask you to do this ahead of time. But if you’re open to it, if you would kind of visualize, you know, a man out there listening. Maybe who’s hopeless, maybe maybe who’s really at the end of his rope, and you’d be willing to pray for him?
22:07
Oh, absolutely. No, definitely. So I just want to pray for any person that is listening. Lord, I just thank you for that your your word says Lord you close to the brokenhearted. Lord, You Lord you you understand what we are going through in the Lord your mercies are new every morning. No. So I just pray for them. Lord, thank you for that you come and you heal their hearts. I pray Father that you will come encourage them know that there is hope that is the solution for the problems that are facing a pray Father that You will just speak to their hearts Lord, if AMR is the way for them to go. Lord, I pray Lord in Jesus name Lord that they will hear your voice. Lord that thank you for the day when Luke to finances before that, Lord, wait, your will is your bill you will provide if it’s your Lord, and I just thank you for that. And I just thank you for peace for them, Lord, and I just thank you for not apply for restoration for marriages, restoration and healing and in the marriages and understanding Lord how to lovely was well, I just pray that in Jesus name.
23:21
Amen. Amen. I mean, thank you. Okay, Bella, was amazing. Thank you. I’m gonna just stop this real quick.
23:44
Oh, my gosh, thank you, Benny. Absolutely amazing. Praise God. So I, yeah, I just invite you, if this is pulled on your heart, why not join, delight your marriage.com/cc and you’ll be able to talk to a clarity advisor who themselves have gone through this. And if you’re not sure, just check it out. You know, check on the website and look around. I’ve got a couple videos for you there. And yeah, get some free, some free goodies. If you go to delight your marriage.com would love to have you there. God bless. Have a wonderful day. I love you. And I’ll be back with you live right now. I’m on sabbatical. So I’ve recorded this in advance, but I’ll be back with you live pretty soon. And I just want to encourage you, make sure you rest. Make sure you enjoy the good things that God has for you. Just look for them. Look for them today. So many good things. All right. God bless you. Let’s talk soon