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Podcast: Play in new window | Download

How does a wife move from stressed, dissatisfied, & doing too much for him, to a woman who actually wants to enjoy love making? 

I talk to expert, Laura Doyle, who is leading a movement of women who started with her own strife-filled marriage. Now she’s enjoying a life filled with joy and peace. 

Well, Laura says we’re looking at this whole thing wrong. What if it was easy? What if it started outside the bedroom and what if we enjoyed our whole life more? What if it honored God more? What if we enjoyed sex, as a result?

Surprising and potentially life-changing insights are in this episode you won’t want to miss. 

Find out more about Laura Doyle and her free webiner getcherished.com/dym

 

You’ll Discover:

  • How we all think sex is the answer. Well, it certainly matters, but what if it wasn’t just sex?
  • How does a woman become someone who can relax and enjoy her marriage?
  • What if the feminist revolution showed us how to be successful in the workplace but not at home? (Discussed by two feminists)
  • The 3 personality traits that make you irresistible to your man (Hint: they have nothing to do with your looks…in fact, you can be 400lbs, and still be irresistible…& I prove it!)

 

Resources:

Scripture:

  • Proverbs 31: A wife of valor who can find?

Tweetables:

  • I indulged my fear instead of choosing faith in my marriage.
  • Frankly, I was too embarrassed to get divorced.
  • Express your desires in a way that inspires.
  • Take the feminine approach to sex.
  • He wants to make you happy.
  • Respect is like oxygen to your man.

Thanks for listening! I hope you are encouraged to live in wholehearted intimacy!

 

Love,

Belah

—

 

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If you enjoyed this episode, would you add your review to iTunes (via your phone or computer)? It will encourage me & it will help others find the podcast easier. Find out how at delightyourmarriage.com/itunes Thank you!

 

Transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah rose

0:18
Haye, and welcome. Thank you for joining. If you are a listener to dy M, you know that I am so excited to share this episode with you today. On Episode 108, I actually introduced this topic, Laura Doyle, who has taught me quite a lot through her books and resources. She is on the podcast for a second time today. And she’s talking about something that may be a paradigm shifter for you a literal shift in perspectives of your marriage. And I really invite you to listen today with an open heart and open mind and just see, maybe God wants to change something in the way you see your husband in the way you see your marriage. Because, truly, I if you go back and listen to last week’s episode, you’ll notice this that I have been a wonderful recipient of so many changes in my marriage, just as a result of these kinds of understandings. So without further ado, let’s dive into Laura Doyle’s episode. All right. Well, thank you so much for joining today to let your marriage listener, I’m thrilled to have you and I’m so excited to talk to Laura Doyle again. Thank you, Laura. Welcome.

1:42
Thanks. It’s great to be here.

1:43
It’s great to have you. So if you’re new to the podcast, or you just haven’t quite yet heard all of the backlog of podcasts yet, I want to direct you to Laura’s first episode with me. That’s episode 60 and 61. And Laura is just wonderful. She’s a best selling author. She’s got wonderful resources that we’re going to talk about today. But, Laura, if people haven’t gotten a chance to go back and listen to your other episodes, which I highly suggest, but if they haven’t, would you just give a little summary of who you are and what you’re kind of about your ministry in your work, sir.

2:19
So I am a woman who was desperately trying to save her own marriage, which I had driven into the ditch directly, because I thought that I could help my husband be a little tidier and more ambitious and a little more romantic. And so I was offering all these helpful suggestions. And of course, helpful in wife language actually equals critical and husband language. So I might not understand why he was so distant and hostile and grumpy all the time. And I just didn’t see that I was really contributing to that. So I dragged him to marriage counseling, because that’s what you’re supposed to do. And that’s where it became really clear that it was totally hopeless. And I just figured I’d marry the wrong man, I didn’t understand why he didn’t want to spend any time with me. He didn’t want to make love to me. I was more interested in watching TV and so but I was too embarrassed to get divorced, and say there were some other more noble reason, but I just didn’t want it like all my friends and family, right? They just went to the wedding a few years ago. So I just thought I don’t really want to get divorced. So in desperation, I asked women who had been married for what seemed like an eternity, which was 15 years, what their 15 years or more what their secrets were, for staying married, having a happy marriage. And they said things that just didn’t make any sense to me. I remember one woman saying, Well, I try never to criticize my husband, no matter how much it seems like he deserves it. I said, we got anything else. Ha ha ha. Yeah. So anyway, I add of trying to say my own marriage, I ended up creating a little support group and I’m using some of the things I learned from these wise women. And we just saw all these miracles in the group. I mean, women were saying, Wow, my my husband won the sales contests at work and took me on the most romantic trip of our lives. And another one was like, we’ve been bickering about him painting the family room for months. And he just, you know, he just got up when days I’m going to paint the family room. And so we knew we were on something special. And one of the women in my living room. It’s just a little living room group of five of us said, hey, my cousin in Florida wants to know we’re doing Can you write a you know, can you write it down? And that became the book The surrendered wife, which started a worldwide movement of women deciding to declare themselves surrendered wives, which just means you don’t try to tell anyone else what to do you focus on making yourself happy. And that in turn, improves the intimacy.

5:07
That is so cool. Well, I’m excited to dive into this a little bit more. And I have read your book, which we’re going to talk about a little bit. And I just really love a lot of the things. You talk about Laura. Today, we’re going to really focus in on a topic that I think anyone in marriage ministry or business or work in any of that has really heard before from wives, I felt it myself, but how to kind of switch yours and make sex less about him. And a little more about you. And you said that on your last episode or last interview with me, you said, make sex all about you. And I really love that. And that’s why I wanted to really talk about that today. But can we kind of start off this conversation with how you maybe have seen women think about sex? And? And if that’s okay, Mm hmm.

6:00
Sure, I think, you know, I’m gonna step back for just a second and make it like a more global problem that I knew I was raised with, this was kind of the idea that I should give, give give to my husband always be thinking about him always trying to figure out how I can make his life better or easier. And, and it turns out, that actually didn’t serve me very well, that particular advice, because the way we’re built was that my husband just wants his wife to be happy. That’s like a super high priority to him. And guess what, all husbands all over the world, they all just want us to be happy. They all were designed and created with the hero gene. And so for me to just constantly be giving, it really actually worked against us, because I would sacrifice and exhaust myself like a martyr. And then he couldn’t make me happy because I was depleted and resentful. And so I think this is kind of a metaphor for everything. I mean, if you know any woman who’s ever read Cosmo magazine, we all know it’s all about how to drive him wild. And but and, and unfortunately, that it’s that’s not what it’s about. It’s actually the essence of femininity, is receptivity, it’s receptivity, it’s not giving. So the more receptive we are to our husbands, complements his gifts, his help, the more he can make us smile, the happier we are and the happier he is. And so this is this is a metaphor that certainly translates when we’re in the bedroom. The more receptive we are, the more he can please us. The better off everybody is a happier everybody is. So if he’s saying like, I want to make you feel good, it can feel a little uncomfortable. We get to feeling a little bit guilty, like Well, wait. You know, that means the white hot spotlight is going to be on me and my pleasure and how long it takes me to get to a climax or whatever. And a lot of this get a little uncomfortable with that, but that’s okay. Yeah. That’s okay. You say yeah, that’s totally okay. I think as women we’re used to kind of sucking it up like you have a sick kid, you stay up all night, right? We’re really tough that way. But when it comes to like, the LD attention, be it on us. We kind of crumbles sometimes we don’t we just switch those compliments, right? Your husband says, Wow, you look so beautiful. And you know, you have bad hair, and mascara, your eyes. You’re like, shut up, wait, you know, I do not right, you contradict him. And the same is true in the bedroom, right? If we will, and we’ll get even uptight like oh my gosh, I haven’t showered yet or, and he doesn’t see that. He just sees like, wow, she’s she’s hot. She’s sexy. She has a woman’s mind, body, and spirit. And that’s what they’re fundamentally attracted to. So if we can just get over ourselves, then there’s going to be a big there’s so much more electricity in the bedroom when you come with that dial turn towards feminine, because he shows up more masculine. It’s like that old Cody commercial, right? If you want him to be more of a man, try being more of a woman.

9:16
Hmm. It’s so refreshing to hear from you. i You have such a unique and helpful and I mean, it’s a paradigm shift for so many of us. And I think for a lot of women out there, who I coach, you know, I just hear from lots of women. This is not their reality. So when you say that it’s all about the man wanting to make the woman happy. Where have they gotten wrong? How is it not reflective in their marriage?

9:45
Well, I think like with me, when I thought I was being helpful and I was actually being critical. I was depriving my husband of the number one most important thing that he needs from me and when I say that, you know, I always you know, I love to kind of give a little bit quiz. What’s the number one thing men want from their wives? And I think the first thing that comes to mind is sex. Right? It’s not sex. It’s respect. It’s respect. And that word, it’s like, for women were like, Yeah, respect. Yeah. Okay, I got it. Like, I thought I was being respectful when I was interrupting my husband when I was rolling my eyes at him when I was correcting him when I was disagreeing with what he just said. So I wasn’t, I had no concept of what respect look like to a man. And yet I thought I was and so he would say I wasn’t. And I’m like, What are you talking about? I don’t get it. But when the respect goes missing, the most important thing for a husband is he’s going to have to shore up his own ego, his own sense of self, because a for them not being respected is the same as if a husband says to a wife, I don’t think I love you anymore. I’m not sure if I ever did. That’s how, you know, it’s how hurtful how devastating and heartbreaking exactly it is to not be respected. So the him wanting you to go be happy part will go missing, if the respect is also missing. So this is a lot of times the reality women are experiencing is he didn’t care about what I want isn’t care at all. I can’t even get him to get off the couch and turn off the game. Well, that has a lot to do with that. You know, I was like living with a porcupine, right? It was like death by 1000 cuts. Nobody wants to snuggle with a porcupine.

11:38
That is so good. Okay, so I just want to underline this a little bit more. And just to clear up, you know, make sure we get what you’re saying here. So when a wife is experiencing this isolation, and this, you know, constant bickering, I mean, just this kind of back and forth, not all about her pleasure and enjoyment. It’s because he has had to kind of be on the defensive, where he’s not receiving what he needs most is that respect from his wife, that constant. And maybe we can define that a little bit more in just a moment, but he’s not receiving what he needs most. And so he’s feeling like he has to take that respect, he has to get it from his wife, he’s got to require it from her is that kind of the dynamic people are in?

12:31
I mean, some men respond by like my husband’s super easygoing. So I would say, I mean, he was definitely letting me know that I wasn’t being respectful. But I wouldn’t say he was like requiring it or demanding it, he was more into the solace and the escape of something else, which in our case, was the TV. And I see it over and over again with like, but it could be like, he just, he plays golf, he is always working, he is tinkering in the garage all the time, and they’ll never come in. And you know what belah Rose. It’s also sometimes it can be another woman, unfortunately, because a man who I mean respect is like oxygen. For men. For husbands. It’s like oxygen. So when you’re deprived of oxygen, and a woman at work says, Wow, you did a great job on that put on that proposal, or I really got a lot out of your presentation or anything like that. It’s like it, he is inordinately vulnerable to that the respect that she’s giving him because he’s been so starved for it at home. I’m not saying it’s right, or it’s okay. Or it’s excusable in any way, shape, or form. But I’m just saying he is a mere mortal man. And knowing about these, this particular need, is, can just be so life changing. I think a lot of people, you know, I know a lot of the times when I’m helping women who are the husband’s having an affair. And she’s like, I just want him to stop seeing that other woman. And she doesn’t get that like for me with the TV. It’s like, I just wanted to throw the TV in the ocean because I thought the TV was like the thing that was interfering with my connection with my husband. It wasn’t it was me it was my own words, my own deeds. My own the look on my face that was causing the distance and the incredible loneliness that made me feel so hopeless and lonely.

14:33
Wow, I so powerful. I just so so good. So yeah, when when we’re talking about respect, and what does it look like? What is it like how can a wife transform herself to into someone who does respect her?

14:49
Her husband? Yes, yeah, totally. That is an awesome question. belah rose because that was and that was what I was seeking to is like, Wait, what is this respect thing then? If it’s not what I thought it was, which I don’t know exactly what I thought it was worded, I think I was being respectful. But I was like, Well, I don’t like raise my voice Adam or I don’t know. But I, I mean, I’ll give you some examples of the things that I used to say and and how I would treat them now. So, so one, and I Oh, and I’d also like to teach you some cheat phrases that are really powerful for really restoring the peace instantaneously, if it’s been if there’s tension in the house because of disrespect. So So one of the things, this is pretty embarrassing what I’m going to share with you, but I used to say things like, I would be at a restaurant and I would say, Well, don’t order a Coke, because that’s the restaurants highest profit margin, and it’s just gonna, like run up the bill for no reason. Like, a grown man. I’m telling him like, desperate. And I can laugh at myself. I was dead serious. Yeah, at the time. And it’s so you know, today, one of the things that’s changed our house, since the Battle days is a relinquish control of the finances to my husband. So he’s no longer a budget item on my, you know, my spreadsheet or my Quicken or whatever, where I have to make sure he doesn’t spend too much, because I don’t want to be in that position. It’s a really motherly position to be in. So he handles all the paying the bills, and you know, what I earned just goes into our joint account, and he just takes it from there, and savings and retirement, whatever. And so that means that when we go out on a date, I’m not even bringing my purse, he’s paying the bill. He’s leaving the dip. It’s like the miracle of perpetual dating, because it’s what we did. When we first got together, he used to take me out and treat me and I loved it. He loved it. So. So that’s kind of fun. So, yes, enough to do though. I mean, there’s still things once in a while, I’ll feel like oh, I just want to, like, tell him how to do something. Because I just, I don’t know, I just have like this. Yeah, momentary lapse, where I think I’m like, yo, smarty pants. What? So if I do, then, the way to recover that is to use this magical cheap phrase. And it is, I apologize for being disrespectful. When I told you how to collect from your clients haven’t paid you, for instance, I’m using that example. Because that’s one of my little, that’s one of my little bugaboos. Like, he’ll say, oh, my gosh, I wasn’t paid me. And I’m all like, and it’ll trigger me a little bit. Like, I’ll get afraid, like, Oh, I know that I’m gonna pay and then I’ll be able to get my nails done or something, right. Irrational reaction to it. Right. So just that so that’s the first cheat phrase, like really just literally to write down if you can, that. If you can feel that the tension is high, or the wall the wall hostility or cold war at your house, then you can I just immediately restore the piece by apologizing for being disrespectful, and referencing the exact situation. And notice, I’m not even using the word you like, I’m just totally staying on. Like, for me, I’m staying on Laura’s side of the street by saying I apologize for being disrespectful. When I said this. Sometimes women will say I am sorry, I disrespected you. And it’s just a little different for me. You know, I want to be a respectful wife. That is, you know, for me, that’s why isn’t godly and spiritual and something I want. And so yeah, everything I’m bringing to my marriage is really secretly about me becoming my best self. Yeah.

18:46
Yeah. I love that. And that was something that you really did a lot. Now. Your second book is the one that I’ve read, I think you might have, you probably have more books than that, actually. But I ended up reading the one that says, kill all the marriage counselors, and it was a fantastic read. I just so encourage anyone to go at it. It’s got a funny title, but she really explains why in the book, it’s really good. But you do say that phrase a lot, which I really love stay on your side of the street. What does that kind of mean for our listeners?

19:16
Well, I think for me, I really, I grew up really believing it especially in my early marriage, and I just had this kind of a delusion, sadly, that I was making things happen that I was giving people a certain impression of our family by controlling, you know, like, what they saw of us. Like I remember back in the day, we had answering machines and it had my voice on it so I could give the right impression. Yeah. And so I just had this idea that if I didn’t make things happen the way they should if I didn’t make sure the bills were paid and the cars are maintained, like everything would just collapse, the sun would not come up in the morning, all the balls would fall down. And yeah. And that, you know, none of that was true. That was all delusion. I married it, you know, a guy that I thought was really smart and handsome and funny, and though that changed, but my perception changed. That’s right. I got I indulged my fear, instead of finding my faith, and acting on that. And so today, that’s something I think about quite a lot. When I feel my fear come up, I will make a conscious decision. Like, you know what, feeling kind of anxious right now. And I’m going to choose to act in faith. And isn’t that a big part of what being a woman of faith is, is that we’re choosing our faith. So, for me, it really has been a journey to that’s why I think it’s such a spiritual process that I, my relationship with my husband is a metaphor for my relationship with God. Yeah, and the more I can be a woman of faith, gosh, the more I’m trusting God.

21:02
Yeah. Yeah. That’s so good. That’s so good. Well, and, you know, I kind of guided us a little bit away from the the sex topic, because I’ll come back to that. But okay, so let’s say the wife has really taken stock and really invested in the respect aspect of her relationship with her husband, she’s changed her perspective. She’s changed the way she’s talked about things. You’ve got great keys, and your books, like I said, about how to phrase things, certain things you might be going through. But let’s say that she’s got the respect down, and he is feeling filled up with respect. How does that kind of translate into the bedroom for her to make it about her?

21:41
Hmm, great question. So one of the pieces of relinquishing control I think that is the scariest is that we tend to think like, Well, how am I ever going to get what I want, then if if I’m letting him control everything, and so the counterpoint to relinquishing control, like the indispensable piece that has to go along with it, is learning how to express your desires in a way that inspires. So give you a non bedroom example. And that is, like I used to say, like, this kitchen is a disaster. And I would expect my husband to jump up off the couch and like start clearing the plates and loading the dishwasher or something, and never worked, because complaining just never does. So and plus, he never saw an opportunity to make me happy. You didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t say what I wanted. I felt like I did, but I didn’t. So today, I just in fact, I never even need to do this anymore. But years ago, I said I would love a clean kitchen. And he’s like, Okay, I’ll do the dishes. And that was like, you know, over a decade ago, and he does all the dishes around the house. Now, every new dish, I heard that, well, maybe every so often, if he’s traveling or something, I’ll do a dish but so in the same thing translates into the bedroom, if we can express our desires, I call it expressing your desires in a way that inspires him. So it’s not a complaint. It’s not like don’t stop doing it like that, or don’t touch me there, right? You know, it’s like, which can be really tempting. Like, Oh, right. And it’s more about so I love the idea of taking some time to think about what you want in the bedroom, when you’re not in the bedroom and expressing that you know, can be really fun and sexy. And just so bonding is to whisper in his ear. Sometimes when you’re maybe at dinner or out for a walk or somewhere else that you can just really kind of create that anticipation. So and those desires might be like, I want to get in the bathtub together, or I want a glass of champagne first, or it could be oh, I want to roleplay or you know, you be the cable guy or whatever. It can be anything that is going to make it more pleasurable for you. And as soon as they know what we want, and that it’s going to make us happy or it’s going to enhance our pleasure in the bedroom. They are all about it.

24:08
Uh huh. Uh huh. That is so cool. I love that just going back to what you said to, you know, how will you get what you want? If you are relinquishing all this control that you’ve been trying to yield, you know, wield over your husband for so long, is expressing your desires in a way that inspires. And so that translates to the bedroom. So, so when a wife is trying to figure out what she wants in the bedroom, you know, I think a lot of times, especially when I hear from younger wives, or newlyweds even their assumption is that well, he’s kind of supposed to make sex work. So it’s really all his deal. You know, he kind of needs to figure that out. And I’m that receptive one, like you said, you know, what, would you kind of respond to someone like that?

24:57
Sure. That makes sense. I mean, she She Yeah, she wants to be the receiver, the receptive one. But men also love feedback. They love to know when they’ve succeeded, like, yeah, that’s a good spot right there, you got a hold of her. I love when you do that motion, or Whoa, it’s so sexy when you have this two days, beard growth or whatever, or I love a smooth shave or whatever is true. So and this is a technique I call catching and doing something good. And so the way this translates in the bedroom, because talking is not great for sex, right? So a lot of times that can just take you out of the moment, and be really distracting. But you can still give him feedback non verbally. So it could be you kind of just kind of Moni and letting him know like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then there’s another key that I think sometimes is lost on. You know, I know, for me, I was a little confused about this one, which is, if he’s not doing something you like, or he’s doing something you don’t like, Stop moaning, don’t give them positive feedback about that, because he won’t know the difference. They’ll get confused. But leaving, he is taking notes. He is carefully studying the things that you respond to, and he’s gonna keep those in his bag of tricks for next time.

26:12
Mm hmm. Yeah, I love that. Now, what about I guess? You know, I can imagine wives listening or thinking well, that you don’t know my husband? That’s not how he does respond to that. Right?

26:27
Well, I just relate to her right, because I was the same, like, I remember having these wives tell me, give me their advice. And I was like, you know, I understand what they were saying. I’m like, What are you talking about? So I think one thing I would just encourage is to stay a little bit open. Because it was a big paradigm shift for me to belah rose, I just was so shocked to find out that my husband did care about my happiness, and that I was impeding that. The his efforts myself, that. So when you when they when I hear women say like you don’t know, my husband, one of the things I suggest they consider is, first of all, of course, I don’t know your husband, you’re the expert on your own life, and your husband, and you might consider conducting some experiments in your relationship. So I’ve got all these cool little phrases that I’ve learned and and seen be effective for many 1000s of women in 17 languages in 28 countries. So you might just try using some of them and see. If it doesn’t go well, you know, you can always go back to how you’re doing things now. So why not just try changing it up a little bit if you’re looking for a better result. I mean, I just even think about sports, I love to play volleyball. And if you’re losing the game, one of the things they say is just change it up. Just even if it seems like it might be a worse change. Who cares? You’re losing already, it’s always beneficial to make a change. So but any change good, bad or indifferent, is always going to feel a little uncomfortable. So I know for me, I will still have resistance, even if someone I think is really wise has given me a suggestion they want me to implement and I you know, all this just happened to me this week, I was wanting to do some more blog promotion. And I got some really good advice about how to do it. And my first thought was like, Oh, I don’t want to do it, you know, and it’s like, I’m just gonna make myself I did already yesterday, just kind of make myself go through it and just see like, Okay, well, let’s just see how this works. If I do it, am I really gonna die? Am I really gonna be in a lot of pain? Let’s just find out. So yeah, I mean, I don’t always do that perfectly. Of course, I get stuck in my ways, too. But anyway, I just find there’s tremendous. And for me, I just kind of like to look at it with a sense of curiosity and adventure. Like I’m going to, I feel a lot of fear. And I’m going to run through this waterfall fear. And I’m going to find out what’s on the other side. And so often, the gifts are there. I mean, what’s made my life really exciting is being willing to do that. So I really, highly recommend it.

29:12
Yes, that’s so good. Run through that waterfall of fear. And that’s exactly what it is, isn’t it? I mean, how many of us I see this all the time where I’ve got this, this big fear in front of me is happened at my job actually, the other day, when just yesterday, the boss’s boss’s boss was on the line, and I wanted to make a good impression. So I just went for it and shared what I thought would be helpful. And I send a thank you note afterwards. And then she volunteered to mentor me one on one and like, wow, you know, and just and this is the, you know, the CEO of the whole thing, and I just, I’m blown away, but honestly there was that, like you said a waterfall of fear in front of me. But we get on the other side and that’s the magic. Yeah, that’s, you know, that’s what God wants us to do. Be women of Valor as it talks about in Proverbs 31. I just Yes,

30:03
yeah, that there is so much in that proverbs 31. As far as I mean, I do see courage as having been really key to me getting the kind of marriage that I have now where my husband is just always seeking my company. And he, you know, he just will whip out his phone sometimes and be like, Oh, don’t move, and he takes my picture after 20. Like, we’ve been married almost 27 years, and he’s like, a supermodel. You know? He treats me like that. So I feel like I kind of gotten there without reading through that waterfall fear.

30:41
Oh, it’s so true. It’s so true. I’m so grateful. You said that. Hmm. Okay, so, um, I’m trying to think, if I were to, you know, focus in on this, this question of, you know, making sex less about him and more about you, you know, I think a lot of us come to the bedroom or even in our head, it’s very easy to say, and, you know, well, we’ve got to make love because he’s, you know, we used having whatever, like, how do we change our whole perspective of it?

31:15
Well, I think one big shift for me, was really recognizing and honoring that what I wanted most was to feel desired. So I didn’t really want to be the aggressor. With sex, I wanted to feel like my husband just couldn’t resist me. Like he just wanted to devour me. And so what was interesting is when So in the old days, he’d be watching TV, and I’d be like, we never have sex with me, you know, just a complaint. And when I made this shift, speaking of waterfalls, a fear made this shift to just deciding I was going to be the feminine seductress. Instead, I was just going to attract him with my body with my son with my appearance. And that was actually a completely terrifying experience. You know, I really just wanted to go back to saying like, Wait, yeah, really?

32:19
All your everything? Yeah. Oh, no

32:21
wonder I was distracting myself by focusing on what was wrong with him, instead of finding my own vulnerability, and oh, my gosh, was that ever so much more exhilarating, and attractive to him, of course. And it was just a much more gratifying experience to be where he desired instead of, you know, I mean, if I initiated, I might still ask, put it in quotes initiate. And by initiate, I just mean, I, maybe I’m on the bed naked reading, right? And that’s just saying, like, Hey, I’m available. And he might take me up on it, and he might not. And so that can be like a risk, right? Like, oh, I just got rejected, and you can stay away. Or you can just take it like, well, this wasn’t the time and no, maybe tomorrow will be better or whatever. So but in the moment, it just feels like, Oh, you’re so it’s so tender, because you could get rejected.

33:19
That’s right. Yeah. Mm hmm. And so when you had that shift of, I really want to be desired. So you just you decided to make some changes in the way that you seduce? Yeah, really, and be that be the one that’s willing to be vulnerable. And you found that much, much more effective.

33:40
Yeah, I call it taking that feminine approach to satin. So again, I’m receptive, but I’m not aggressive. And that was a little bit counter to I felt like, how I’d been raised how I’ve been trained, not sexually, of course, but just know I get I, you know, there’s this big emphasis on get your education, you have to have a good career, you got to manage your staff and your projects. And all of that really speaks to some masculine traits, like being assertive and aggressive. And when I tried to manage my husband, I really didn’t get a very good result. But that was where all my training was. I never had relationships, one on one at school. And so these were things that, you know, I was just really fortunate to learn from other ones. I feel like it’s what your grandmother would have told you if she knew about how to make your relationship, how to really skyrocket the passion how to make it thrilling, like it was when you first met.

34:40
Mm hmm. Yeah, yeah. Because we do. We do assume those roles when we’re in that dating phase, right, we want him to take charge. We want him to be that masculine, strong, caretaking in some ways, you know?

34:57
Yeah, it was one of the things I was really attacking About my husband is I was kind of holding him off, you know, when we first started dating, right? Kind of like, how about now? You know? No, no, yeah, he’s like, how about now? That right? I mean, I’m wanting to be like, you know, pretty soon. So it feels good, right to be so desired. I think I think most women want that. And we deny ourselves that by putting ourselves in the position of just telling him what to do, instead of, because then you always kind of wonder, like, is he just doing this? Because I told him to? Or does he? Is he really attracted to me?

35:41
Yeah, that’s a huge thing. That’s huge. I definitely have had insecurities that way in my own marriage, and when that, but it always was the start was me, being that controlling kind of force, like, you know, well, I wanted this and then he does it. And it’s like, well, I didn’t actually want me to have to tell you now. No, I don’t even like, yes. We

36:05
don’t want him to just do things. We want him to want to be close to us. It and, and display all this physical affection for us, because we’re so irresistible. Right. And we actually are, I think that’s the thing, too. I mean, one thing I know, for me, that was really present was when that went missing. In my marriage, the first place I went was like, it’s because I put on weight, or I’m older or whatever, like I went to look to physical attraction, and oh my gosh, I’ve really seen how the attraction comes from within it is so not about husbands are so forgiving, they don’t really see things the same way that women see them as extra pounds or wrinkles, or cellulite or whatever we’re so obsessed about. They just see like, um, you know, feminine for. So I think a lot of times, the attention gets wrongly diverted to that,

37:06
you know, it’s funny, I interviewed someone around this type of stuff. And, and he was telling me that he was like, there’s only one woman aside from my wife that I ever almost had an affair with. He was like, it wasn’t, it wasn’t that, you know, she was particularly attractive. In fact, she was over 400 pounds. Just the fact that she had this apparently this incredibly attractive attitude, is that while is,

37:32
you know what it was, she was probably incredibly respective, and receptive. And leasable and plausible, that’s the, that’s the triumvirate of if you want to be a supermodel. I’m telling you, those are the those are the traits to cultivate.

37:49
So say it again, those three t shirt and Reese, we need to write this down. It’s

37:55
so true, respectful, receptive. And please, double. So please will of course I made that word up. But it really is key. Because if our husbands if we’re so put out and resentful and just kind of angry all the time, and they don’t feel like they can make us happy. Well, that’s one of their primary goals in life. So if they’re starting to feel like they’ll never be successful with it, it’s just incredibly frustrating versus how we were when we fell in love, which was probably like happy smiling goddess have fun and light. And they don’t see her again for years. It gets really discouraging. So yeah, I mean, I think this is a great example is you could be over 400 pounds, but as long as you’re respectful, receptive, and please double that is going to really ignite his hero gene. And he may have been somewhat deprived of oxygen in his marriage at that time, right. And right, he’s right, in order to enormously susceptible or vulnerable, right, not fair, but it’s just human.

39:01
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my goodness, I just, I’m so grateful, Laura, that this is the direction the interviewer tick, because if I had one interview to point, so many, many, many broken marriages, I mean, wives, right. This is the one I would really want to point them to. Because it’s just this complete shift of, you know, yes, you want X. But to get it, you really don’t need to do what the world tells you to do to get it right.

39:34
Yeah. It’s really it was very shocking to me to learn that. Most of the things that a lot of experts had told me to do. Were really working against me. I remember, I mean, just this is just one example. But one of the things that I had read over and over again and heard so many places was, if your husband’s not affectionate, you need to tell him that you have a serious concern about his lack of affection. And I mean, I’m here To tell you that will get you what you’re looking for never never never told you that run the other direction, because that is only going to cause more hostility and your relationship because it’s a criticism. You’re not making yourself irresistible whatsoever you’re making yourself resistible when you say things like that. So there is unfortunately, I think a lot of well meaning, but really detrimental marriage advice that’s circulated. And it just seems like truth, we’ve heard it for so long. You know, like, I remember just reading the other day like this woman was saying, one of the ways you can serve your you know, make your marriage better is by asking your husband what his biggest problem is, and then try to solve it for him just like go Google it. And it was like no. Disrespect is to act like your husband can’t solve his own problems, and he needs you to let him solve one of your problems. Maybe that would be much more conducive to the the outcome that all of us are wanting really, in our relationships, which is that feeling of tenderness and feeling of being special of being cherished? Feeling desired and adored?

41:16
Mm hmm. That’s so good. It’s so good. Well, I I guess my final question, I imagine you probably get pushback from people on this very unique perspective. But I think the the thing that’s so refreshing about you, Laura, is that you’re willing to be very bold about the differences in men and women femininity and masculinity. And I think in our society, especially today, outside of the church, especially, but it’s hard for people to stand up and say that men and women are different.

41:56
Hmm, you know what I mean? I do. And it’s, I think it’s so tragic, because I think one of the things that got lost, like one of the things our grandmothers didn’t pass on to us, is the power of our feminine gifts, that we are not just smaller, less hairy men. You know, and that we shrink. For instance, we study at the University of Toronto recently, where, oh, I hope you’re sitting down while I tell you the results of this study, because oh my gosh, earth shattering, they discovered that women are more emotional than men, your kiddo I know, no talking, right? So but and that I was like, Yes, of course, we have an emotional brilliance that we bring to relationships, where they can never even get formed. Without that with if we don’t bring our vulnerability and our ability to know what we’re feeling and say, no, no long term relationships would ever be formed. So it’s not just that, you know, men and women are different, but I just really grieve that we don’t often get to celebrate those gifts and know what they are be taught what they are, so that we can fully benefit and feel like round pegs and round holes instead of round pegs and square holes.

43:14
Yes, yes. Oh, it’s just a wonderful and I also want to kind of point out, Laura, now these are, we are two very successful, educated, independent women that are thriving in life, you have a you know, world renowned coaching program, as well as books you’ve written you speak all over the place all the time. I mean, we have so much to be grateful for in the feminist movement. But I like that you mentioned at the same point time, there’s things that we’ve lost in the kind of in that process, don’t you think?

43:51
Well, I, I’m definitely a feminist myself for the reasons you decided, right educated and all that and I and I love being able to have my own company and things like that. But so what I like to distinguish is that I want women to have every choice at work. I also want them to know that in order to be successful at work and in love. There’s a different skill set. And of course there is there’s different goals at work. We want to improve the bottom line and you know, finish our projects and things like that, at you know, you want to climb the corporate ladder, maybe you want to get promotions, at home, I just want him to stroke my hair and tell me I’m beautiful and hold my hand and make me laugh and dance in our living room together. Totally different goals. So of course, it’s going to require different skills and I think we unfortunately think that we just were supposed to be born knowing how to have those relationships even though with everything else we know you’ve got to go learn it. For some reason with love, we just think like, Oh, it’ll especially because it starts out so great. I think we just think it’ll always be that way. And unfortunately, the idea that you need skills is kind of downplayed and, and that’s a big part of my message is just to show every woman like anyone can do this, anyone can create an intimate, passionate, peaceful relationship, if she learns the skills and practices them. It’s just as simple as making an omelet or learning to drive.

45:27
Well, and I am just so excited, because I know you’ve got some really wonderful resources to point people to, to learn these things. I took a webinar of yours a little while back, and I was inspired, I needed to have you back on the podcast. So I was so excited. But where can people find out because I’m sure they’re just so excited. This is such a new perspective, they’d love to learn more.

45:51
Well, yes, I would like to have them learn more. And so yeah, I’m gonna go ahead and make a special offer, or explain a special opportunity really, for your just your listeners. Actually, I’ve never done this before. But I would like to make this the webinar that you mentioned, it’s called How to get respect, reconnect and wrap up your love life. And they’re going to be able to watch it for free at get cherished.com. So get cherished, calm slash d y m, as in your show. So yeah, so you go, it’s the the webinars, it’s about while you go there and be able to register for the time that you want to attend. And hopefully one of those fits in your schedule. And then it’s about an hour and 15 minutes. And what I’ve done is just tried to put all my best content and cheat phrases and things that you can apply right away in your relationship to make it more intimate and connected. Right in there, there’s a little workbook that you get with it. So you’ll be able to leave that webinar and just experiment like that night with using some of the skills in your relationship.

47:04
Oh, that’s so exciting. Thank you so much. And it’s free. Yeah, that’s amazing. Yeah, that’s wonderful. And I, you know, I took notes while I was going through it myself. And I just think that I just think you have such important work to share. And I’m so grateful, Laura really means a

47:24
lot. Thank you so much. I appreciate the encouragement. Thank you for sharing your platform with me so I can get this message to every woman that wants to have that intimate, connected relationship.

47:35
Absolutely. I really I encourage everyone listening to feel free to share this with your girlfriends that are like, on a very different planet. You know, I was there absolutely. Where I just this didn’t resonate. It didn’t make sense. You know that a lot of times the things in the Bible I would read and it would be like whites, I’m supposed to sit What does that even mean and in 21st century language, and Laura is a living, breathing example of that change. And, you know, one last kind of anecdote is I had a girlfriend of mine who was telling me about marriage troubles, and I wish I could package this conversation in it and give it to her. But you know, often, it doesn’t matter what you give to friends or whatever, a lot of times, it’s the heart change that they need. And sometimes it takes a long time for that to happen. But I you know, it’s very sad, because she’s just had a little baby. And they, you know, she told me, we lost touch, she moved and stuff. But she told me that she and her husband getting a divorce, and it’s just the saddest, you know, those kinds of things don’t have to happen. They don’t. And, you know, one last part about this story is my husband had actually talked to it was funny, because my husband had talked to the husband, I talked to the wife, both of them, were dealing with either sides of the same issue, like you said, from the very beginning. So that’s respect it wasn’t there. Not even close. Yeah, and it doesn’t have to end that way.

48:59
No. And I’m just, I mean, you and I have the same heart where it just, I can’t ever hear about it without it making me feel a little sick and sad. Yeah, because I know, all the devastation that’s going to be I mean, there’s a child involved too, right. I mean, it’s bad for him. But you know what, it’s bad for the adults too. Yeah. Such a loss on so many levels. So, that’s, I think, you know, you and I are on the same mission to enroll divorce. And I just feel like there’s nothing more important to the communities and the world then keeping marriages strong.

49:34
Hmm, that’s awesome. That’s awesome. So that’s get cherished.com/dy M if, if somehow you can’t find that, feel free to go to light delight your marriage.com and all I’ll have the link also there. But seriously, Laura, this has just been such a delight.

49:51
Thank you. I really loved it. Thanks for having me on.

49:58
Well, as you can tell, Laura is just Fantastic. I loved spending time with her yet again, I would encourage you to make one decision this week. What are you going to do with this material? Are you going to talk to a friend about it and get her to listen to the podcast? So you guys can be accountability partners for this surrendered wife journey? Are you going to listen to episode 108, where I talk about my journey through some of Laura’s materials and some of the insights that really impacted me to the betterment of my marriage? What are you going to do with this material? I just challenge you and encourage you to decide right now, what’s one decision? One action that you can take one step. Alright, well, God bless you. I am praying for you. I’m praying that God would in just impart peace and insight into what you’re going through right now. God bless you, and we will talk next Tuesday. It’s actually a great topic. It’s about why you should seduce your husband. So stick around for that. God bless you. We’ll talk soon.

51:06
Thanks for listening. Stop by delight your marriage.com to check out all the show notes as well as many more resources and articles. Until next time, live with love, wisdom impassion

 

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