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(Part 1)

Her husband didn’t want to spend time with her. He was apathetic towards her. He would rather watch television than even make love to her. Now he can’t keep his eyes and hands off her 🙂 Dancing in the kitchen, less stress and glorious compliments are just side benefits.

Laura Doyle’s work began a marriage-changing transformation for me.

Laura Doyle, best selling author, speaker and coach. The book I love the most: The Surrendered Wife (though I’d prefer to call it “How to Stop Stressing and Start Enjoying” or “How to Get Your Husband to Become The Man of Your Dreams”)

(If you’ve listened for a while you’ll know I posted this interview over a year ago, but we all need a refresher, so I thought you wouldn’t mind if I posted it again!)

Find out more about Laura:

Listen to Part 2 of this interview, click here.

 

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah rose.

0:19
Hey there, belah rose here. Thank you so much for joining. If this is your first time with the show, I want to thank you and just give you a little insight into what we’re all about. We are focused in on inspiring and empowering wives to live and wholehearted intimacy in their marriage. And that’s emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy. Because the strongest Marriage in God’s way that he designed and made marriage of a union of oneness can do the most for the kingdom of God. So that’s our intent. That’s what we do here. So today’s interview is phenomenal. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of Laura Doyle. But she is a best selling author, inspirational speaker and coach. And honestly, after this interview, which I actually interviewed her over a year ago, I went back and read some of her books, at least two. And it just, I mean, it changed my marriage, it just completely did. So I really encourage listening in because her marriage started out, really rocky. And here’s the thing, it’s really not the best to learn from someone who’s never had issues in the area that you are having issues. Because it’s like, if they’ve never had issues, they can’t teach me how to get out of my issues. But Laura has been there. I mean, her husband didn’t want to spend time with her. It was happening. He was avoiding your he was totally apathetic to making love. That was the kind of relationships she was living in. And you will see from our interview, something dramatic changed. Now I will say, Laura doesn’t present her material, specifically Christian. So if you go to her website or read her books, you won’t see that plastered all over the place. But I will say that it’s Christian principles. I really do believe and there are certain things that you absolutely can take away from this interview and from her material. So let’s dive in.

2:38
Alright, well, welcome back delight your marriage listener. I am thrilled to have Miss Laura Doyle who is joining us today. Hi, Laura. How are you doing?

2:48
I’m great. I’m actually I’m Mrs. Laura Doyle. But

2:52
yes, yes. Yes, indeed, that that would be appropriate. Seeing as we’re talking about your marriage? Yes.

2:59
Sure. I don’t come off as a single woman.

3:04
Thank you for that. Yes. Mrs. LAUREL oil. Thank you. Oh, well, good. Well, can you please introduce yourself a little bit about your family and your day to day life? Sure.

3:13
You bet. So I am. I’m so fortunate. I’m in New York Times bestselling author of the book, The surrendered wife, which is published in 16 languages in 27 countries. And I’ve had the privilege of helping over 150,000 women all over the world, really revitalize the intimacy and passion and peace in their marriage. And I’m the CEO of an international relationship coaching company. But the thing I’m most proud of in the whole world, is that a very happy wife of only 26 years next month.

3:49
Oh, congratulations. That’s awesome.

3:51
Thank you. Wow.

3:54
So what is your day to day life look like? Well,

3:58
I, I’m running my company and I work from home. My husband works from home too. So we have a we have a pretty good life here. Where there’s a lot of playfulness in our relationship. So there’s a lot of like little pranking that goes on and for some reason. The quicker man from the box, he, he shows up, like in my wallet or in my travel. I know I’ve been gotten when I get the clicker. Oh, man. I don’t know why that story comes to mind. But it’s there’s just like a lot of, like, silliness. Which I’m so grateful for every day because it wasn’t always that way. You know, we went through several years of it being really dramatic, intense and constant and I was on the verge of divorce. So I think every day I’m just grateful for how much ease there is in my relationship, how much vibrancy and that he has a quick story we were yesterday. stretches Cafe recently. And he goes, Oh, don’t move. And then he like grabs his phone to take my picture. I’m like, so flattered, right, like, oh, like 25 years and he’s still acting. Oh my god. He’s like a supermodel on it. He takes a picture. He hands me his phone. I’m looking through his phone. It’s like, there’s Laura in the Kitchen. Laura in the backyard. Laura are working on it is off. Laura. So speakable. Yeah, there’s just no words to describe. Oh, great. It feels to have that kind of feel so loved every day.

5:32
Yes. Oh, my gosh, that’s wonderful. Well, and what a little bit about you and your husband’s personalities? What are they like? Well, my

5:40
husband’s a really easygoing guy, and very funny. And that was a big part of what I fell for. He’s also just a lot of humility. Like I remember, on our first date, he was just totally committed to making me laugh when he told me he made himself look bad in the process, as long as I was laughing and smiling, like I remember he said, because it’s a good thing. Someone invented contact lenses, because he has otherwise I’d have to wear glasses. And they would look like two Hubble telescopes welded together. So I’m like, but on the upside, because when you when your visions like mine, he goes, you can just take out your contacts, and you can see amazing things that no one else can see. All right. I made me laugh. And, yes, yeah, I think that was a big part of what I fell for. And then I also really fell for the way he loved me, he was just so devoted. And so there was just a lot of thought on this there. He was definitely that guy who gives you his jacket when you’re cold. Or he would just move all the furniture around just so I could see if I like the sofa underneath the window or not. And then I’d be like, no, no, no, put it back, you know, and he’s just like, really has a servant’s heart.

7:00
Yes, yes, it sounds like it. And, oh, I’m excited to get into your story more. So before we do, though, could you share a scripture or a verse that or a quote that has meant a lot to you?

7:14
Yeah, my very favorite quote in the world is by Ambrose read. And it’s that courage is not the absence of fear. But the decision that something else is more important. And, yeah, it became really critical for me to cling to that, as I embarked on the spiritual journey of just trying to save my marriage. And there were so many times when I was called on to choose my faith instead of my fear. And I made a decision that it was more important to be respectful and to choose my marriage over indulging my fear. So that poet’s became really precious to me.

8:00
Wow, I love that. And it’s so funny. I was just writing about confidence, and how that’s exactly. It’s focusing on the purpose instead of instead of focusing on the fear, so I just love that. Cool. Look, can you share then a little bit about your your story, the season of struggle that was in your marriage?

8:22
Absolutely. So we’ve been married, I don’t know, for years, let’s say four or five, six and seven, eight, probably, we’re pretty, we’re pretty bad. And I really believe that I was, I was more spiritual, I was smarter. I just was not the person working really hard on a relationship. He wasn’t doing anything, I would sit him down on the couch and tell him everything that he needed to do differently. And the conversate, I call the State of the Union address, it’s never went very well. I tried to leave that to the President to do those. But, and the other thing that was going on that, in retrospect, I really just had no idea how much harm this was doing. But I was trying to give him helpful suggestions. I call it helpful and wife language, which has been language, right. So I would say I just had ideas about how you kids like, eat more healthy and things that you could do at work, or you know, how we can tidy around the house and how to dress better. And I didn’t realize I was really shooting holes in the bucket of our intimacy in connection by trying to be so helpful. And this is kind of going back to that quote that I love. I was being the armchair quarterback of his life. And you know, it was happening in my life was going by and I wasn’t attending to it. I was missing my own life. And the minute I stopped being the armchair quarterback of his life, this whole thing emerged where I was called to write best selling books and Shawn i in front of live audiences of hundreds of people, I’ve never done that, or I got to go on national TV and international TV, and it was all pretty terrifying. And I realized that controlling him, it felt less scary. And that’s kind of why I, that was part of why I did it. But anyway, things were going really badly. And I just, I just knew that if he would change, then I could finally be happy. Because isn’t that right, right. So I made him go to marriage counseling, and just was waiting dutifully, for her to fix him. And process first, it didn’t help. And we went for years. And it just really, it didn’t fix anything I did learn there that I was controlling, like, I have an issue with trying to control. And I was, as soon as I kind of had that awakening, that was an issue for me. I was like, Okay, what do I do? And counter was like, yeah, just stop being so controlling, you know, just just. And I was like, hmm, I just don’t know. And I later kind of got a glimpse of her marriage. And she was pretty controlling, too. So I was like, Oh, no wonder she couldn’t tell me what to do. She had nice diplomas on the wall, but she didn’t have, you know, the transformation that I was seeking. Wow. So. So I really just felt like we had to get divorced. I just had married the wrong guy. I couldn’t figure it out. It was really it’s very lonely. Like I remember there was. I remember him being more interested in watching TV than he was in my company, for sure. And even in making love to me like that. John felt really lonely. I was really felt rejected, and abandoned.

11:48
Well, and so when you said shooting holes in your intimacy, what is it? What do you mean by that?

11:54
Oh, I just, I just think it’s like, it was like the bucket of my, our intimacy together. I was I was tearing it apart. I was the one that was, you know, it’s kind of funny. It’s ironic, I felt so superior, I had this big superiority complex, like I was when they had to do everything, because I would do it right. And he wouldn’t do it. And by right, I mean, my way, right, you know, the right way. And I had no concept that I was the one that was making everything so hard and stressful. And it wasn’t until I got a roll of metaphorical duct tape, let’s say, ever my mouth to correct or criticize or even instruct, even if I thought, Oh, I’m better at this than he is. I just stopped doing all that. And that was when the man who had wooed me really came back back. I just remember there was one day Bella where I, I came through the door, I came home, and I remember his face lit up like he was like, and that had been gone for a long time. And I was like, wow, that’s that’s where I want to live. That’s kind of relationship I want to have.

13:12
Yes. Oh, I just love that. Wow. Well, so the wife that’s finding herself in a marriage where she’s doesn’t recognize the person anymore, and all she can see is all of his flaws. You know, this metaphorical duct tape? Was that really the key like that? Was it

13:30
really a big one? Wow. Because what I did was I decided it was more important to be respectful than it was to just say whatever came to mind, like I had kind of confused honesty and criticism. And I thought I was just being honest, when I tell them like his shirt didn’t match, you know, his jacket. Right? Right. I’m like, I’m just saying the hard truth things that need to be said on here and yeah, I know, I recognize the difference between honesty and criticism is honesty is about me. It’s not about him. Criticism is criticism or complaining. You know, there’s that quote from Dale Carnegie, any, any fool can complain and most do. And that was really kind of my situation. I just had a really big complaining habit and criticism habit. And what was funny about it, too, is I always complained about something. And I would think that I had communicated what I wanted out of it. Like I’d say this place is a mess. And I thought he would hear that as like, would you help me clean up the kitchen? I can’t even hear me what I’m complaining he, if I can let him know what I’m wanting. If I say gosh, I would love it. The kitchen was clean, then he’s like, oh, okay, you know, I love the dishwasher and load it back up. And if I complain, he just totally can’t hear me. So it was, it was really frustrating for me because I felt that I was telling him everything that I wanted. He was ignoring. It didn’t care about me or my happiness. And unfortunately, I just, well, it’s really sad. Like, I’ll tell you. We went to Hawaii, right, even before we were married, actually took me on this romantic trip to Hawaii. And I remember getting up and being like, oh, boy, we’re gonna go to the beach today. And my first thing out of my mouth was like, hey, what do you want to do today? And he goes, Why don’t you be fun to go see a volcano? Sounds like a volcano. Okay. And I, but I wanted to be close, I wanted to be connected. So I thought, Well, I’m not going to say that I want to go to the beach because I could cause a conflict. And then there’s like a winner and a loser. And I still want that, like, it just felt like there’s gonna be just syncing. So I just didn’t say anything. And we, we got in the rental car and just start driving around and you, you can’t actually see a volcano. At first, you just are driving on this road with just a bunch of rocks next to you. It’s a hot day. And I think the rental car didn’t have air conditioning or something. So we’re just driving around the heat. And I started to get it like, I started feeling I’m like, Ah, you know, she didn’t even ask me what I wanted to do. We’ve hit the beach right now. And this is a big waste of time. And he kind of catches on something is wrong. And he turns to me and so this is something in the matter. And I’m like, this would be fun, because this was so fun to do. And it was a perm. No. Okay, no, all right, I totally lost. I mean, the way I’m saying it is probably odd, even as angry and rude and obnoxious as I found it that day. It was all red, and my hair was sticking up. And I just looked like some, you know, like, some weird monster and I took my fiancee to Hawaii, like way, like, Where was my mistake. And I just feel sad for that previous version of myself. I just had no concept of being able to just express her desires purely. And he was like, Oh, if I’d known you wanted to go to the beach, he was like, really gonna wear your bikini? And I was like, yes, you know. And after that, because he’s doing like all of that trying to make me happy. Yeah, it was, it was sad. It was terrifying. Because I knew, I remember having this horrible emotional hangover, like, you do. And you still like me, I’m really sorry. You know, and I just knew if I continue to act like that, I was gonna push them away. And, and I really had no idea how to not act like that. No, it’s been such a gift and just release it. Through learning the skills that I needed to have a good marriage. I have that I angry woman, she’s gone. I don’t know where she lives. Now. I was using my hair and her. And it is, it’s really tragic when I think back on, you know, went away. So I just didn’t really know. I didn’t have the skills to advocate for myself.

18:15
Hmm, yeah, I love that I love I feel the same way I in my previous marriage, I was in a similar kind of just, yeah, the criticism was so such a pattern, such a culture in our relationship. And I love I love that you said Any fool can complain? And most do. It’s good. It’s so true. But actually needing the skills are now having developed the skills. And so that was kind of the journey that that brought you to the books that you’ve written. Yeah,

18:48
yeah, there’s that saying, If you can’t be Catherine Ayers, Erica, I guess we can’t be a good example. You just has to be a horrible warning. And so like all these horrible things that I did, and what was it was really fun. I just remember we self published my book, The surrendered wife, originally, because I said to my husband, I think there might be like 2000 women that can identify with me, and they have the same issue. You know, I don’t want to read this book. And you know, 150,000 copies later and, or whatever it is. I mean, it’s more than that. It’s way more than that now, but that was pulled out of the gate 20 years ago. So and women would write and say, Where was the tape recorder? It seems like you had a tape recorder in my kitchen or my dining room or stuff. So I wasn’t the only one. It was really comforting and kind of exciting to see that. Something. I felt like it was this horrible secret that I had to keep right because we would we would maybe like have a big fight on the way to the party, be late to the party because we’re to pull over and fight. And then we can be like, hey, everything’s great. Yeah, the life that we’re living at And it was just as I felt so much shame about the conversations that were going on and, and I felt a loss of dignity about my tone of voice and the things that were coming out of my mouth. And you and I didn’t want to be around me. Yeah, that’s, that’s

20:17
awesome in terms of just how you had to live in order to be an example in order to teach others. Yeah, yeah,

20:25
that it was very freeing, and was a huge Grossberg for me to just admit, you know, things I say to my husband, I said to him, like, he’d say, oh, I want to get a Christmas present for Pat. And I’d be like, really? Did he get you a present last year? Yeah, so controlling and so overbearing? Yeah. proud of it. But it, it was, there was freedom and healing and just admitting that I was treating my husband.

20:57
Yes. In admitting that you’re treating? Yep. That’s yeah, that’s so true. And so I wanted to ask you, we do talk a lot about intimacy on the podcast, I wanted to ask you when you were saying, you know, that he would rather watch TV than even make love? I mean, what was that like for you?

21:15
Yeah, it was, it was really, it was heartbreaking. I think that like, that was when we were deep in marriage counseling. And it was totally not working. And yeah, I was just really feeling heartbroken. It was so painful. And I think that’s kind of why I felt like divorce was the only option. Like I couldn’t see my way. And really, the only way I could reach out in my head, was there something wrong with him. I kept going with it. And it was, I was like, shocked, and horrified and relieved, all at the same time to learn no harm the keeper relationship, I’ve got all the power here. And when I made the changes, you know, didn’t when I discovered the intimacy skills and started implementing them sparks are hotter than ever, you know, he was making better buys me again. And, and, and I felt more attractive and more attractive. And I was I stopped acting like his mother, I think that was kind of a big dynamic is I was like his mom, and he was a little boy, and they aren’t attracted to their sons and Sons aren’t, you know, men are? There’s so it was kind of a interestI killer right there. But you know, now, I just feel that’s like a such an area of strength for us. I mean, He’s memorized a complicated series of instructions on how to make the orgasm every time. It’s just like, it’s, we’ve mastered the art of the quickie. That’s actually awesome. So there’s Yeah, and I think there’s nothing like having the safety of a long marriage to really explore each other’s bodies and be tuned in to that. So you both really do feel successful. Because you get you get a lot of practice. And, yes, a lot of satisfaction on many levels. It’s a it’s an opportunity to connect physically, but emotionally spiritually as well.

23:23
Yes, yes. I love that you said it, you know, you’ve got the safety of a long marriage to, to explore and to really understand each other’s intimacy. And so that’s really great. Yeah, I love that I love I love what you shared. Now, would you be willing to give any insights into how to make a cookie? Awesome.

23:43
Sure, I would. Yay, on time. Okay. I think I’m big on the importance of, well, first of all, frequency, right. So I mean, I get in my position is relationship coach for years, for 16 years. Now. I get to hear the insights of what goes on in a lot of marriages. And, and sometimes, you know, it’s like, Well, we haven’t had sex since the baby and how old is the baby baby three, you know, like, so first of all, it’s, I think, one big tip for me is just the idea of making myself available to my husband. At least once a week is kind of my rule of thumb, but I for me, now, it didn’t start out this way. But for me now, like I want to just be available whenever he’s initiating. So that’s, that’s my policy. He knows that so he’s got you know, he’s, you know, he’s not gonna get rejected in Jeff. So that’s a that’s a pretty cool thing, because I know I don’t always start out in the mood, but that doesn’t mean I won’t end up there. So that’s a big part of it was really just being willing to take that opportunity when it came along. I See it as my opportunity to feel beautiful, to feel sexy to feel desired and to feel pleasure. And that has been. So that’s, that’s one part, it really it does like, the more frequently you do it, the better you get at it. But the other thing that I’m really big on is my own pleasure during sex like that is paramount. And we have the only organ on the human body that’s designed solely for us to feel pleasure. The clitoris, so I take that as a metaphor that our pleasure is pretty important, not just in sex, but I take it as a metaphor for the rest of our lives as well. But in the in the bedroom, I mean, expressing my desires back to that again, right, like what I want, like, I want a backdrop to get me in the mood or I wanted to take a bath or I want some music or whatever it is that’s gonna and that’s not that’s not necessarily for the quickies. But but being clear on what I want. My desires are the care of Laura in the bedroom has really helped us get to where there’s a reliable, there’s reliable orgasms all around. And that so I can get there fast. And that’s really fun.

26:14
Oh, that’s awesome. I love that. I love that. Thinking about sex in for females to think about it as this is opportunity for pleasure. That’s right. That’s, you know,

26:25
and and it may be your thinking. And a lot of times we are it almost never seems to be that we as women are like, Wait, he’s coming onto us going? Oh, yeah, now would be great. We’re always like, the Jewish kids like, right, right. Right. We’re saying

26:45
it’s true. But I love

26:47
the you know, I might be afraid there’s other things going on or whatever. And if I can just put that aside. Yeah, it really doesn’t take that long. Yeah, I was joking about. He’s like, Yeah, I’ll say to my wife. Just give me five minutes. And I’m like that that might be part of the problem right there. But, yes, it’s an opportunity to idle on a miss now. i Oh, I heard this story on the news that I loved about this woman who decided she made a decision. She’s going to have sex with her husband every day for a year to be interviewed on the news. After she’d done that. And she’s like, wow, I really had to get over my own impression of when I was sexy. And when I wasn’t, she’s like, I’d be thinking, Well, I haven’t showered. There’s no way and but he I look at him. And he’s like, yeah, baby. So she goes, I just had to give myself permission to adopt his point of view about how sexy I was. Yeah, it was, through that.

27:49
give myself permission to adopt his point of

27:52
view. Would you argue with that?

27:56
It’s true. Yep. Yep. I love it. I love it. No, because I think it also, even in every other area of life, it comes into the bedroom, too. But if we’re not feeling confident in our body, we bring that kind of into the bedroom. And we feel not as good but giving our giving ourselves permission to adopt his point of view. I love that.

28:15
Yeah. Yeah. And then and it really just come back a little bit to I call it replenishing your spirit with self care. And I don’t mean, eight hours of sleep, or 30 minutes cardio or five fruits, vegetables, and what I mean is that you make yourself happy three times a day. And by doing that, that was just free up. Because naturally it takes a little bit of energy to have a great relationship like anything else. It’s worthwhile in life. And yeah, are depleted, you give yourself very little chance, having a great relationship. So I think especially for women going back to the metaphor of us having the only organs designed for pleasure. We do better when we make it our priority. Frivolous fun every day.

29:01
Hmm. That’s awesome. We do better when we make it our priority to have frivolous fun every day.

29:07
Yeah. So good. For me, I’m super practical. Like when people say stuff up being controlling, I’m like, I don’t know. So for, like making my pleasure a priority. I, I implemented the structure of I would do three things a day, just to make me feel good. And for no other purpose not to reduce greenhouse gas emissions or recycling. Avoid osteoporosis or anything else is just wow, the way a child is attracted to a ball or a swing. That kind of pleasure that I look for.

29:40
Huh? That’s so good. And then this translates into the bedroom, right? Because, yeah,

29:49
I think it can come since we’re usually in the same mode or in the same mood as our husbands when they approach it. If you’ve got this energy If you’re still smiling because you, you got out your paints and your easel or you’ve spent an hour connecting with a friend over a cup of coffee or, you know you simple things, right that can really fill you up and make all the difference. Like you read your favorite blog, you snuck away read your favorite blog for a while or play games on your phone, or I like to play volleyball. So it’s a big one for me. But if you’re if he’s, if he’s approaching you, when you’re happy and filled up, you’re gonna It’s just usually have so much more resourcefulness within yourself to say like, yeah, what the heck, why not? Let’s get naked. Let’s do it.

30:39
And that’s true. That’s so true. I love that because you’re in this zone already of feeling enjoyable. And having. Yeah, yeah, having. I can’t put that

30:49
in this fun and light, you’re all are inherently unnatural. Our husbands fell in love with. And that’s what makes it so attractive to them, is when we are in that mode. So The Goddess kind of light is saying, Are you kidding? I can’t. I can’t make love with you right now. There’s dishes in the sink, right? Like, she’s like, alright, we’ll do this later.

31:11
Yeah, yeah. Whoo. That’s really good stuff. Laura, this is awesome. Okay, well, next week, there is so much more. So I’m excited for you to tune back in for that. But really, and truly, Laura Doyle has made such an impact on my marriage, on my life on my stress levels on the way I enjoy what God has given me in my family. So I just encourage you to check out her book, The surrendered wife, I originally wasn’t a huge fan of the title. Now I am because I read it. And now I like the idea. But at first, I was always hesitant, and I’ll tell you why I’ve got a episode coming out shortly. That’ll be a little bit more of my journey. And maybe why you might want to think about it a little bit more in your marriage, as well. But yes, check out her book. At the very least come back and find out some really great insights about her journey next Tuesday. And if you have been tracking with us throughout the summer, I just want to thank you so much for tuning back in. All right. Well, thank you. God bless you. I’m praying for you in your marriage. We’ll talk soon.

32:30
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

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