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Yep… MY husband said this! Like last week.

What did he mean? Maybe you’re a wife that has insecurities like me? After a wonderfully intimate evening, I came clean about something I had been struggling with for a while. He was able to give ear to my heart and hear that I was feeling pain that I wasn’t even aware I was hiding from him.

Various husbands have expressed confusion as to why a wife wouldn’t want him looking at others while at the SAME TIME she’s hiding her curves he LONGS to see!

As a wife, I get it and I stumble in this way too. If I am not vigilant I can fall just like the enemy wants us all to. I think it’s sin because we’re separating ourselves from God and what He wants us to do… (Quite literally) our husbands. 🙂

Maybe you’re a husband who doesn’t “get it”. I have some important insights for you too!

Further… I’m EXTREMELY excited to invite you on a LIVE Webinar with me coming up! 

On Fri, May 24 & Sun, June 2, 7:30pm EST

I’ll be hosting a LIVE FREE WEBINAR: 

WHAT’S BLOCKING HER LIBIDO? The 7 Mistakes you might be making!

Sign up: www.delightyourmarriage.com/7blocks

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah rose.

0:19
Key there, and welcome, welcome. I am so grateful that you join me. My name is belah rose. And this is the delight your marriage podcast, where we talk about all things intimacy. So a lot of that is talking about physical intimacy, because of course, that bleeds into everything else in your marriage. And in fact, it’s what I consider a catalytic part of your marriage. Because if you have amazing physical intimacy, oh my gosh, it can absolutely transform your emotional intimacy as well as spiritual intimacy, it really is a spiritual experience between the two of you. Alright, so before I dive in, when you listen to this podcast, I would invite you to consider whether or not you would benefit from a free webinar from me, called the seven blocks to her libido. Now, obviously, this is directed towards men. But if you’re a woman who’s curious about what I might be talking about, and it might be something that you want your husband to watch, I would encourage you to go ahead and sign up. So you can go to www dot delight your marriage.com/seven blocks, that’s the number seven, and then BL o CK s. Okay, so that’s actually going to be coming up very soon. So go ahead and sign up as soon as you can. And I’ll get you all the information that you need. But I’m looking forward to that. I think it’s going to be a really wonderful time together and it will be live. Okay, fantastic. So let’s dive in. I am so excited to talk to you about this topic. Because now that I teach men through virtual classes, as well as one on one, I really get excited to hear more about their hearts and where they’re coming from. And this podcast has been directed at women from the beginning. Because I have always sought to teach women the value of physical intimacy in their marriage, what that means practically inspire them empower them, to really have an amazing sexual intimate experience in their marriage. But funny enough, I would say just based on those who reached out to me, I don’t know 60% 70% 80%, maybe of my listeners are men, because they hear what I have to say they agree with it. And they are seeking how in the world can I transform things for my marriage for my wife’s perspective?

3:17
So that’s one of the reasons why I’ve started working with men, because I’m like, listen, gentlemen, there’s a lot of room for your improvement, there’s a lot of space for you to get help. And so I am beginning classes for men. And my next class starts June 1. So I encourage you to what I’m going to be doing is sharing quite a lot more about that class. But what I’m doing is consecutive class, so I’m going to be doing an eight week course for men take a month off in August. And then either mid September or late September, I’ll be starting a eight week course for women. And my women’s course has been extremely effective. And so what this does is give a husband plenty of time to enact everything that I’ve talked about to give his marriage such a boost and such a joy and an intimacy, emotionally and a safety sexually, that he may be able to invite his wife there three months from now that she would be willing and interested in want to take that eight week course with me. But my dear husband, you have to do the hard work. In order to lay that foundation you have to be extremely strategic. If you really want your marriage to change. You have to be extremely strategic. It may be a six month process, but let me tell you what you didn’t get here overnight. A lot of you have been suffering 25 years of sexless. marriage or something, something close to that I’ve worked with, with marriages like that, and by God’s grace thing have things have changed in a very short amount, short amounts of time. But if your wife is not willing to work with me, you have got to do different things, you have got to make changes. And so by God’s grace, I work with men and their marriages are changing, they’re becoming more emotionally intimate their wives are beginning to initiate, when they never have initiated before, they’re beginning to kiss them in public, or be willing to have intimate moments of communication where they never have before intimacy through different ways of physical intimacy than they ever have before. But you have to do the hard work first. And that’s what I want to work with you on. So come on my webinars, so you understand what’s blocking her libido. That’s a free webinar once again. And then I can help you have more insight into what might be stopping her. So let’s dive in more deeply into today’s topic of honey, you’re so hot, you know, please seduce me.

6:36
Awesome. So what happens a lot of times is my husband and I made love. And we have the opportunity afterwards to really connect on very deep levels. And sometimes things bubble up to the top that I hadn’t expected. He hadn’t expected. But they were there. They’ve been there for a long time. But something about lovemaking connects you to like nothing else. And communication flows much easier. You both have had oxytocin release this feel good hormone, he especially is much softer, because that is really the only time he has that kind of immense release of that wonderful feel good hormone that is so vital to his experience of love and feeling connected to her. So it’s really special to have that time together. And I definitely encourage you women and men to really value that time, that afterglow of sexual intimacy. But I digress. My husband and I were speaking and I realized there’s been something under the surface that had been building up for a while. And I was like, Honey, I have been feeling something. And I feel embarrassed to share it. I feel really embarrassed to share it and I I don’t I don’t. Yeah, I I don’t want I almost don’t want to share it. And I’m sharing it with you now. So clearly, there was some healing that happened since then. But I was like, Honey, I’ve been feeling really bad about my body. And he kind of sat up a little bit. And he’s like, really, and that intensity. And that desire to comfort me is so vital to my heart. So as a husband, when you start to sense your wife is opening up vulnerably emotionally that impacts her so deeply, when she begins to open up emotionally recognize that that’s a direct access to her ReSSA because opening opening opening now a husband is penetrating penetrating. She must open for his penetration to equal love to her if she’s not open that doesn’t feel like love that feels like abuse and being used. So you want her to feel open. Because even though sexual intimacy as a man is love to you, it doesn’t feel like love to her unless she is open. And that happens through emotional intimacy. Or it happens through what I call feminine sex, which is lovemaking that feels like lovemaking to her and I talk about that extensively in my Men’s course and what that means to be an amazing lover in her eyes, which is very different than Our society makes it out to be. And the opposite of what pornography makes it out to be. Anyway. So he sat up right away. And he’s like, Oh, wow. Oh, honey, I didn’t know you’ve been feeling this way, how long you’ve been feeling this way. And I was like, Honey, honestly, it’s been several months, I just feel like I’ve gained a lot of weight. And, you know, I’ve been in this you know, honestly, just this weird space of trying not to focus on you know, diets and all that stuff I’ve done yo yo diets my whole life, which if you don’t know what that means, it means that you lose some weight, and then you gain weight, and you lose some weight and you gain weight. It’s just like, up and down and up and down, like a yo, yo, and. And so I’m trying, I’ve been trying to not do that. And if you’ve listened to my podcast, you know that I’m, I’m really against that, that mindset, but I want to talk about it again today, because it’s something I struggle with. And I know that the vast majority of our culture struggles with something similar. If it’s not specifically dieting, it’s something else. So he just had a really open ear to what I had to say. And I talked about how

11:39
I haven’t been able to really see myself as beautiful in recent weeks or months. And he, he’s like, Honey, I’m so glad you told me. I had no idea. That’s how you were feeling. And again, that was the affirmation I needed. So gentlemen, take note, when your wife is vulnerable with you, when he she shares her heart, be grateful, be grateful that she shares her emotions with you. Not just because it opens her ReSSA. But because it opens her heart. I mean, that is the wife that you love. She’s sharing with you her most intimate feelings. And that that’s, that’s your job as her protector and her mate to hold her in that. That’s what she desires most. And so he said, I’m so grateful that you shared that with me. And then he affirmed to me, he said, Honey, you’re so beautiful. If you could only see your body through my eyes, if you could only see how beautiful you are in my eyes. And I guess, you know, thinking in my head, like Glee, Yeah, I sure wish I did. And I was like, Honey, it makes me not want to seduce you, because I don’t feel good about myself. And he was like, Honey, you’re so hot. Please seduce me. And I thought that was really funny. And that gave me the inspiration to have this conversation with you. Because the truth of the matter is on all, you know, measures out there objective measures, I seduce him plenty he he enjoys quite a lot of seduction. But with that in mind, it really takes a lot of preparation in my own heart to make sure that I’m seducing him. And I know I could put myself out there even more, and I could do more with myself and my body. And personally, I know I could. And I teach women to do this in my courses. And I practice them myself. However, there’s far more you can always make your intimacy way more way hotter and more steamy and all these kinds of things. And we’ve had seasons of our marriage where I have been out of my head in my body far more and our intimacy has just exploded, and it’s just been in these recent weeks that I have been allowing the enemy to speak lies to me about my body so that I have kind of crumpled in side my shell to not feel good, and then thus not want to seduce him. I wanted to give a little have insight about how men think. In my men’s group, I was teaching about how pornography is so terrible. In a marriage, it has no place in either the man’s life or in the woman’s life, or in their life together, it should not be anywhere.

15:22
As a couple that seeks healthy, good, God honoring marriage, and if I’ve ever been unclear about that, please know that that is never, ever been okay. In my book, it is sadly rampant in our society, and almost like an expectation for people. It is not okay, and it is not an expectation. And when you stand before Jesus, you have no excuse to say, Well, my wife wouldn’t make love to me, of course, I had to sin and in do pornography, and that is just, Jesus is not gonna, he’s gonna be like, Are you kidding me? What are what are you 12? Like, what? No, what you need to do is get countability in place, you need to get a filter on your computer, a great one is covenant eyes.com. Another one is xx, xx church.com. These are great resources. You need to get people in your church that are holding you accountable. Other men that know what’s going on, your wife should not be your accountability partner on this, it’ll hurt her too much. All that to say is do not do porn. But next, when I kind of was talking about how the reason it will hurt your wife is because she wants your eyes to be completely on her. She wants your attention. She wants you to fully love her. I mean, she wants her body to be the only thing that turns you on. She wants it to be all her. And this husband was having a really hard time believing that because he was like, my wife doesn’t even want me to see her change or get naked. Why in the world? You know, I just don’t believe you saying that. She wants, you know, my eyes just for her. And I understand now, in the moment, I was like, how, how does he How was he missing those. But I recognize it’s not logical. Because of course, if if a wife wanted his eyes, you would think she would like, just go crazy to make him crazy. Like she would go far out of her way to get him excited about her body. But here’s the thing. A wife has to be extremely confident in her own body, to present her body to him. Because our society tells her that you’re not worthy of attention unless you look like these women. And so she’s scared to reveal her body. And so what a husband’s job is, is to really help her to understand the beauty of her body, help her to feel that she is the only one he desires. And He disciplines his own heart and his own mind, to only desire his wife. And the beautiful thing is the more they make love, he does it. Actually, the more you a man orgasms to a certain visual, the actual the more he’s like addicted to that visual. So as he watches his wife, be the one that he has an orgasm when he sees her, he does see her more and more and more beautiful. So I encourage you in that it will become more so. So I had to explain to this husband that your wife actually does want you to be turned on by her. Basically no matter what she’s wearing, no matter what she’s doing. She feels like you know, she’s the one that should have your attention.

19:27
And I gave him an anecdote of one of my personal clients that I work with one on one. You know, she’s extremely, extremely modest. And she had trouble understanding why her husband would want her to wear any immodest clothing to be turned on because she looks beautiful in the modest clothing that she wears. And I totally agree with that the the modest clothing she does look beautiful, but your husband is turned on by your curves. by the beauty of your body by seeing you, he’s extremely visual, he loves that visual feast that you can offer him through your body. And so when you’re under, when you’re believing the lies of the enemy, that you’re not sexy, or you’re not as beautiful as that woman over there, you kind of crumpled up inside. And you don’t want to show your body like, what’s the point, I’m not as good as her, I don’t look like that. And so, as a woman, to give a little bit of clarity here, as a woman, your job is to discipline your mind, and to discipline your heart, not to compare yourself not to say that, because there’s this person or this body type that that, you know, world says is beautiful. And I don’t measure up, that I’m not beautiful, or I’m not created with enough worthiness to present it to my husband. That is a complete lie from the enemy. And that divides you and your husband. And it’s what I was, I mean, that was my sin was not disciplining my mind. Here’s a practical way of changing that. I talk about it all the time. affirmations, let me change my wording a little bit, because I think people get confused on what affirmations are. What I mean, when I say affirmations, I mean, Faith statements, statements and faith, that are saying what you want to believe about yourself, wherever in your life, you need to believe something, you need a new belief, start saying faith statements in that direction. Now, I’ve used these for years. And I think whenever any of us as women struggle in this area, and I gotta tell you, we all go through seasons of life, I think every woman on earth goes through seasons of life, where they are insecure about their body, because our bodies are always changing, whether it’s just because of age, which catches up to all of us, because of pregnancies because of stressful seasons, transitions, you know, all sorts of things, affects the way we look in our bodies. And so we need faith statements that are going to keep us grounded, and in God’s truth that He made us he made our curves, he made our skin he made our skin color. He made its beauty He made our ReSSA he made the sensitivities, he made every part that’s so glorious, and beautiful. And even if we have abused our body, you know, maybe we’ve abused it just because of the pain we’ve gone through. Not not because we’re, you know, gross, bad, any of that kind of nonsense. That’s from the enemy. Once again, that’s a lie. But if we haven’t honored our body, maybe in the ways that we feel that we should have. Now it’s time to change our face statements to say, I love my body. I love the way God has made it. I love where it is right now. I love that I get to love my husband, and give him a visual feast with my body. I love that this is the body God has given me. I love that there’s a reason I have all of these wonderful, peculiar peculiarities. Not sure if I’m pronouncing that accurately peculiarities. Excuse me. He designed it this way. He is the reason you are his masterpiece. So when you have those face statements at the ready, and you just start saying those out loud, right when the enemy wants to

24:10
bring the nap the badness, that you’re saying that you’re judging yourself as bad. Right when the enemy’s trying to bring that to you. When you have those face statements that that shock you right out of it. You say those faith statements out loud. And I tell you, I use this. I use this before I come to seduce my husband. But there were still stretches of time where I wasn’t doing this on my daily routines. And it was affecting me already. Just in that short amount of time because of different transitions because of different changes that were going on in different areas of my life. And it was affecting the way I presented myself in our intimacy So, in sharing that with the husband, what was important for him to understand was that his wife’s insecurity is what causes her to separate herself from him. But that makes him feel unloved. So when I talked to my husband, and he said, Honey, you’re so hot, please seduce me. First of all, it wasn’t because I wasn’t seducing him. He’s saying that because he’s like, don’t stop. But that’s what men, they feel loved. When you do that for them, they, those visuals, they keep that with them, they hold on to that it shows them that you love them. When you initiate with such generosity, and you give them those lap dances and seduction, teases and stripteases and all those things. As a wife, that is what he holds on to when he feels tempted, or there’s some stupid advertisement that flashes across the television screen or he walks down the street, and someone’s got some ridiculous thing on like, you can’t avoid temptation in our lives today. But you as a wife, you can be the memories that he draws to mind of, oh my gosh, my wife is so hot. And a hot woman is a woman that presents herself as hot, a woman that presents herself with confidence. And you know, it’s interesting, I was thinking about this just last night. It’s not whether or not you have confidence, it’s whether or not you have insecurity. I think that’s a better framing. Because underneath insecurity is confidence. Think about when you know someone’s insecure, it’s so easy to point out someone who’s insecure. You know, think about when you’re watching some something live, for example, and you just see the insecurity, you know, maybe the hands are, are completely at their side, they have no hand gestures. I kind of think that their hands or their arms kind of look like limp fish. Like they just don’t have any expression with their arms, their hands. Maybe there’s just lack of expression, all over their body, they’re not willing to kind of use their extremities at all. They’re not really willing to move around. I mean, think about really visualize. What is insecurity? You know, usually the shoulders are slumped, you don’t you make eye contact with the audience, or with whomever you’re speaking with. Like, when somebody has insecurity. What does that look like? Now, think about if they were to just take off the insecurity. Just take it off like a coat and hang it up and put it somewhere else until the next time you want to pick it up. What if you were to take off your insecurity. And you were to perk up, and you were to smile. And you were to use your hands the way you normally would if you were comfortable?

28:48
What if you were to just take off your insecurity in front of your husband. Just take it off, just like you were by yourself. Do you have insecurity by yourself? Why do you have it around your husband? He wants to see you. Just you without that insecure coat draped on you. That doesn’t make you safer? It doesn’t make you look better. It’s not making you be a better lover. Why do you carry that insecurity coat? It doesn’t make your body look better. It doesn’t make your demeanor better doesn’t make you sexy or what? What’s the point? Why are you carrying that around? I really do feel it’s the opposite of grabbing confidence. You don’t have to wiggle your way into a confident dress. All you need to do is take off the coat of insecurity and walk into the room without it. And oh my gosh girlfriend you are hot. When you take off that coat of insecurity. It does No matter what you’re wearing, you’re hot when you don’t have that insecurity and you can seduce your husband, with all the joy and freedom without that coat of insecurity. So why isn’t she seducing you, even though she wants all of your attention is because she feels insecure? And what can you do as a wife to become the more confident free you take off your coat of insecurity, and have faith statements ready, that you say out loud with enthusiasm in the bathroom, before you come out to seduce him. Say it when you’re on your walk in the mornings. That’s when I say my faith statements, and really be able to give yourself entirely to your husband in visual feasts. That’s what he craves. That’s what He desires. And as a husband, how can you help her is that you can comment on her beauty all the time, there is no restriction on how many compliments you can give your wife, I usually say give your wife, three compliments a day, give your husband three compliments a day, whether it’s on her beauty, whether it’s on her personality, whether it’s on non sexual aspects of her body, which I really encourage you to give her compliments on as well. But definitely encourage her beauty so that she begins to see herself through your eyes. Because that’s how we see each other. We see ourselves through our spouse’s eyes. So often, that’s why coordinate marriages are so detrimental to each person is because we have we have a self conception that is created by the person, or it’s reinforced, reinforced and created by the person that’s reflecting our lives back to us, the person that’s closest to us, and that is our closest human relationship, which is our spouse. So next, I want to talk about the fact that the enemy wants to distract you through body image issues. So we get so tied up and obsessed with body image, that it keeps us from doing God’s will.

32:56
This is the sin I was committing. Not just the sin of separating myself from my husband, but separate, separating myself from God’s will, and what he wants me to do. Because every time we think negatively about our body, and think about how we can solve it, and what diet to go on and, and how we can, you know, make our our body look differently, or change our makeup to look this way or that way, or all of the intimate knowledge that you know, that you don’t like about your physique or your physicality, and the way that you’re obsessing to change it when we do that, when I do that, I feel like we’re actually sinning. Because we’re separating ourselves from God, and what he wants and how He wants us to view and look at the world and perceive and to do His work. Because think about it. You have finite resources. And I don’t just mean money, money, yes. But I mean the mind space, your emotional capacity, the capacity of your thoughts, your conscious thoughts, even your unconscious thoughts, the ways that you get defocused from what matters? Like what if the amount of time you have spent dieting? Let me let me direct it myself because maybe dieting is not something that you’ve ever had to deal with. But the amount of time I have invested in dieting, watching videos about you know eating in ways that will affect you know, weight loss or just dieting programs or reading books about certain ways of eating or telling other people or doing accountability programs or in that kind of stuff. Oh my gosh, I could have had another full time ministry. I mean, over the years, it has been wild. And by God’s grace, I’ve been pretty free from it for the last couple of years, I did a body series a couple of years ago, you can go back and listen to that. And that’s when I started my journey on freedom from food and freedom in body image. But, or that was around the time that I had started, I guess, when I had started to get some, you know, a lot of freedom from it actually. And I think just the way, life is, when you have kind of a proclivity towards something, you have to just keep at that thing you have to keep, you have to recognize that the enemy wants to get you at that particular point of sin. And so you just have to be vigilant, and this is kind of something that for me, I just have to continue to be vigilant against, to not let myself sink into a comparison mode into a competitive mode into a, I need to look the best I need to be the sexiest I need to, you know, catch other people’s eye outside of my husband, I mean, there’s just this, this zone that my head gets into, and kind of this vicious cycle of judgment and get I mean, that all of that stuff is against what God wants me to be about. And it also is counterproductive towards what a healthy body type would actually be. Because if I was so busy, and focused on God’s will and His work and the, you know, the beautiful life, he has not not that I’m, you know, so busy that I don’t actually enjoy his life, but where my focus is actually should be, then I could have then then I could have so much more effect in the kingdom of God. Because I’m not distracted and obsessed with what God?

37:13
Yeah, what separates me from God, which is this obsession with body image? So all that to say, I want you to challenge yourself, Where are you, my dear wife? obsessing? Where’s there an obsession for you, that separating you from God. And it’s probably separating you from your husband to maybe it’s an obsession with perfection on social media, maybe you’re so busy crafting, you know, beautiful pictures, or, you know, amazing shots of photography, or all these kinds of things to post on Pinterest, and Facebook and Instagram or whatever, that you’re not making love to your husband, because you’re so busy maintaining a perfect perception, or brand image that, that you’re not making love several times a week. And he feels like, then he’s not able to function in his most effectiveness through the in the kingdom of God either. But this is also something for men as well. Just another example. Of course, these are both cliched stereotypical examples, and they both can switch either of them, but maybe as a man. You know, you’re obsessed with your business and in your career, and you’re you know, and you don’t do the emotional work of being patient and kind and loving, which are the things that turn your wife on, and are the things that God wants you to do. And so that’s actually separating you from your wife and separating you also from God. So, you know, turn Yes, yes, I’m kind of being vulnerable and sharing with you my struggles, but where’s the microscope or where’s the magnifying glass on your heart and, and what you’re not allowing to be exposed? Because I started this conversation with sharing with you, after my husband and I made love. We were able to connect on such a deep level to expose what the enemy wanted, covered up, because it was separating me from not only my husband, but also from God and doing His work and being vulnerable with you and doing more effective ministry, in my work with you and with all my clients. But I hope that this has been insightful I hope that you, yourself are are just kind of racking your brain how is this applicable to my own life? My own heart, how can I move closer to Jesus and closer to my spouse, and whomever is listening I want to encourage you to take the next step. I would love to invite you on this webinar. It’s a free webinar, you can talk to me personally on this webinar, in terms of, you know, the there’ll be many others on the on the line, but I’ll have a time of question answers. If there’s a question that you’re like, how do I, you know, what is the block here? Or why does she do this or whatever? I’ll be answering questions. So I’m really excited about that. I love doing live webinars, I haven’t in probably over a year in so I’d love to invite you on that. Awesome. Let me pray for you, Father, God, whoever is on the other end of this microphone, whether it be husband or wife, wherever they are in their marriage, whether it’s just interesting, they’re, they’re on this call because they’re, they’re interested in hearing more, or if they’re listening because they’re desperate for answers to desperate to turn things around. Father God, I asked for the grace to hear what they needed to hear to take out the nuggets that they needed, Father that you would inspire in them. Change inspiring them something that would truly turn them around, Father God, and really let this podcast this even day, this specific moment, be a catalyst for them to change their marriage. Father God, give them hope. You are living hope. I love you. Amen. Again, if you are going to sign up for the webinar, I hope that you will do so very soon. www dot delight your marriage.com/seven blocks. So that’s the number seven B lock s and that means that I’ll be talking about the seven blocks to her libido. Awesome. God bless you and I will talk to you very soon.

42:16
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it. Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion

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Do you want unity in your marriage? Do you want her to feel safe to be utterly vulnerable and literally naked before you? Then it is NOT helpful for her to know your past sex life.

You probably have forgotten plenty of your past, but once you’ve told her it will stay with her for years–even decades.

Whatever sexual sin you’ve had before (or even the porn you’ve done while) is sin. It’s your job as a man to discipline your mind, and your actions to be faithful to her. But if you’re making her your “accountability partner” it’s like saying: “honey, I’m trying not to look at other women, imagine them naked and pretend having sex with them”. That will hurt her. Get your act together sir, get to a church, get vulnerable with someone–don’t do this in isolation but don’t load your dirty laundry on her. Because this will make it HARDER for her to make love (and of course that’s what would actually HELP you avoid the temptations anyway).

So, whether you think you’re just “being honest” you do not need to be unwise with your words. Words start forest fires. I speak to women daily about how unloved and ugly they feel because their husband struggles with porn. Women have constant insecurities all around sex. Your job as a man? Gratitude for EVERYTHING she is and does around sex. Tell her and show her how extremely grateful and gratifying her sexuality is to you.

And recognize you don’t and shouldn’t be a victim to your sexual cravings. And I am working with men to change these dynamics in their marriages and have already had incredible results:

-Women are now initiating “I can’t remember the last time”.

-“We made love 2 times this week and it was ‘making love’ not just duty sex”.

-A man separated from his wife shared that they’ve now had several sexual encounters.

SO! If you want to know next steps with me, if you’re a man, I’m opening my Clarity Calls now to you. You can book one here: www.dym.as.me This is a $500 value and I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be doing these, so I encourage you to book very soon.

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah. Rose.

0:19
Hey there, welcome back. This is belah rose. I hope everything’s going well, today for you, I so appreciate you joining me. I don’t know what you’re up to. But I can just imagine you are driving your car commuting to work. Maybe you’re picking up the kids or not know doing laundry, and there’s so many things. But thank you for choosing to make me part of your day. I want to talk about our sexual past, all of us have sexual pasts. And I want to talk about what should be shared with your spouse and what should not and why. Awesome. So my name is belah rose, I by God’s grace have been given great opportunity to share with the world really sexual education and insights from what I believe is the way God wants us to look at sexuality in our marriages. And what I have an offer for you right now is an actual free clarity call with me which at this point I am doing for free, though it is a $500 value. So I would really encourage you to go to schedule with me www.dy M dot A s dot M E. And I do encourage you to go ahead and do that as soon as you can. Like I said, I’m really not sure how long I’m going to be able to offer this, my schedule is tightening up over and over and over again. So I encourage you to go there as soon as you can. So let me go ahead and get started on this wonderful topic.

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Alright, so first off, I want to talk to you about the power of words. The Bible says a lot about words. If you’re familiar with James at all, I encourage you to go back and read it. It is so in correcting I think is probably the best word about words. It says that words can actually start a wildfire. Let me let me just read a few passages. It’s James three especially. It says and the tongue is a fire a world of an righteousness. The tongue is set among our members staining the whole body setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird of or reptile and sea creature can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind. But no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God from the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers these things ought not be so does a spring pour forth from the same opening. both fresh and saltwater. Can a fig tree my brother’s there all lives are a great fine produce fix. Neither can assault Pon yield freshwater I think I’ll continue here 313 who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false in to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above but as earthly unspiritual demonic for where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every kind of vile practice. This is my favorite but the vism the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere and a heart harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. It’s pretty powerful to consider how important the words that we speak are. Sadly, I think so many people in marriages, they might take these kinds of verses seriously, outside of their marriage. But inside of their marriage, they act like it doesn’t apply. I find it so strange. You know, why can you treat your spouse? poorly? Why can you speak curses over your spouse? And feel like there’s no problem with your character? I mean, God specifically says wisdom from above is first of all pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy, and good fruits and impartial and sincere. Is that what arguments sound like in your household? Is that what the interactions between you and your spouse sound like? Why in the world? Do we cross over all of our standards of character and our standards of decorum? Because we happen to be married to that person? I think this is really important because I think what we do as married couples a lot of times is we think that our character ends up the door once we enter our house, it doesn’t matter that much than when we leave the house, okay, we, we step back into our person in front of Jesus, but while we’re in the midst or in the presence of our spouse, it doesn’t matter. I think that is dead wrong. When you think it’s okay to gossip with your spouse.

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That is not okay, that is not godly, gossip anywhere, anytime, is not godly, judging. Right, it says, Judge not lest ye be judged as the same measure that you judge others, you too will be judged. So if you’re judging others, speaking it even just in the confines of your marriage, you’re still judging. You’re still who you are before your spouse is who you are. That is your closest human relationships. So if you are having a temper, if you are speaking

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impatiently, if you have a, you know, cursing, if there’s a lot of discord in your marriage, if there strife is there, backbiting is there not being open to reason in your marriage? That is who you are before God. Don’t think these are two different things. They are the same thing. Just because you’re married and you became one flesh. When you became one when you got married, that doesn’t mean that who you are before Jesus has changed? I don’t believe I think there’s this really silly notion about how there’s no secrets between couples. And people mean that to say that everything you tell one spouse should be told to the other, or the expectation that one spouse is going to tell the other every single detail. I don’t think that’s right. I think that I don’t care. When people say, Oh, I’m just being honest. Oh, I have to be honest with them. I have to be honest with my spouse. And you know what? No, there are many, many, many things in your heart because the heart is exceedingly dark. We know that from the Bible to many, many, you know, opinions and thoughts that just run across your mind. That should never be shared with anyone, much less the one you hold the most in esteem and the one you care about the most you love the most the one that you want to honor and protect the most. That’s what I keep talking to my my clients about, you know, especially for men. Their role is to protect their wife to protect her heart. Why would you why would you do her in the sword against your spouse. It’s absolutely the opposite. That’s tearing down your marriage. And your wives the same thing. Why would you tear down your husband, it affects him. It affects who he is, as a man, when you tell him negative things about himself, when you accuse him, he, he says, you know him the best. And so if you’re tearing him down, that’s how he believes. That’s what he believes about himself. But I’m just being honest. I’m just being honest. No, you don’t need to be open about everything. You should not be open about the negative things about your spouse, you need to pray long and hard about speaking things over your spouse that’s going to hurt them. And if you just take a moment to consider, ask the question, is this going to hurt my spouse? Is this going to hurt them? Sometimes hurting? Isn’t it bad? But is this going to harm them? Is this an unnecessarily wound I am inflicting? Or is it the truth that must be shared? So here’s another verse that I want to share is in Proverbs 12. Proverbs is my favorite book, and I encourage you to read it. If it’s been a while since you’ve read it. There are just so many truths in there that I mean. I feel like every other verses underlying proverbs 1222 lying lips are an abomination to the Lord. But those who act faithfully are his delight. The next verse says, A prudent man conceals knowledge. But the heart of fools proclaims folly. So the first verse says, lying lips is an abomination to the Lord. The next verse, a prudent man conceals folly, or conceals knowledge. So God’s not saying, Go out and lie. That’s not the answer. Tell the truth. But be wise and conceal knowledge. Does that make sense? You can be a man and woman of truth of God’s truth. But you don’t have to share it all the time.

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Just because you have a truth or something you think is a truth in your marriage? It doesn’t mean you need to share it with your spouse, maybe they do lack confidence. Is it going to help them to say you’re not confident? No, it’s not going to help them. What you can focus on and what you can share are the areas that they are phenomenal in with confidence. So that that starts to permeate other areas of their marriage and of their life, you can start to share. Wow, I loved how you, you know, spoke in that meeting, about your convictions. It reminded me of what a confident woman you are. Who I loved how you stepped up to coach the the Little League baseball team. It just reminded me of how sexy arts you are to take charge of situations when they need to be when there needs to be a leader. Yeah, maybe he’s not the confident man that you feel like you fell in love with but goodness, you need to start helping him have greater confidence is going to grow. It’s going to grow. Be careful with your words. And this all ties into your sex life, all of it. Men and women have this horrible, horrible assumption that your wife needs to know about your sexual past. Horrible If wife and I’ve worked with women like this. She learns about her husband’s sexual past maybe early in their marriage, and it plagues her for decades. decades. She cannot get over it. Because in the back of her mind, she’s thinking is he imagining me or is he comparing me with her? Or all that pornography? Is he imagining that rather than me? You know, there’s a lot of insecurities around that. A lot. That’s the way I think women are wired. You know, it’s not a, you know, as a woman, as someone who has been told, over and over and over again by men, you know, how do you get inside my head, it’s amazing how you understand us better than I understand myself. Like, these are the kinds of things I constantly am emailed from men and yet my own heart has to has to deal with this myself, of how sad it is that my own spouse has had so much sexual history prior to me, it’s very hard to keep your your mind discipline disciplined to believe that he’s not imagining anyone else, he’s not comparing you to anyone else. They you have to keep your confidence about your body, you have to discipline your mind to be confident, you have to discipline your mind to feel your sexy. That’s a discipline for us women. So do not tell your wife about your previous sexual experiences. You as a husband need to discipline your mind. And we as wives have to believe that that’s what you’ve done. But if you share those things with her, that just adds to her burden of discipline that she has to walk in this life with. Instead of wondering, you know, is he thinking about her is he thinking about those experiences that he’s viewed, even if he hasn’t, quote, had them, pornography for a woman feels like he’s had those experiences, because he’s witnessed them. It doesn’t feel like some fake intangible thing, it feels very visceral to her. So I would encourage you, just as a man needs to be extremely careful with his mind. Don’t share those things with your wife. Anything that’s gonna make her concerned that you’re comparing her with anyone else. Don’t share those things with her. Your past. If you’re struggling with your mind, things where you’re comparing if you’re struggling with addiction to pornography, if you’re struggling with

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Yeah, considering affairs, any of that you need to take to share it, but not necessarily with your wife. You need to be considering talking to a pastor talking to a mentor talking to a spiritual man who can be accountable with you who can guide you in that. But heaping all those coals on your wife, I don’t think is, is as helpful.

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Your tongue may start a wildfire of hurt in her heart. And along those lines, what dear women dear wife, do not ask your husband, about his his discipline, how he’s doing with those things. If he’s quote, honest, it may very well hurt you a lot. Because we as women don’t understand the male mind. They have a lot of stuff going on in there. There’s a lot of temptation that they have to walk through every single day.

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Every single day, he has to discipline his mind, not to look at the things that naturally he’s drawn to, not to imagine the things that are so very, even geographically close to him because of, you know, someone who walks by in a miniskirt or an advertisement that pops up on the screen. You know, he really has to work hard at this. And dear wife, if you are obsessed with trying to figure out what he’s thinking, it’s going to really blow up in your face. Don’t have this idle curiosity of what’s going on in his mind. Just trust that he’s doing the best he can. He loves you. He loves your body, and it’s your job, to love your own body and to present it to him in a very confident, sexy way. And that’s the most and everything that you should do. You should not be asking him about his sexual past. You should not be asking him about how he’s guarding your heart. Or if that woman was attractive to him, or you know how he felt about the waitress, or these kinds of things are not going to help you. Don’t do that. Don’t do that. You want to guard your heart, you want to guard your own thoughts. And you want to be the attractive woman to him. And you want to present yourself that way. So you want as a wife, to guard your own thoughts and speak truth over you and blessings over you. That God created you sexy, attractive, that your husband loves your curves. You know, I talk about faith statements a lot, get some faith statements, that you speak over yourself, and you speak over your body, and you speak in the mirror about how beautiful you are, and how much your body turns your husband on. That’s what you need to be talking to yourself about. Don’t talk to yourself about the lies that the enemy wants, those are lies from hell. That’s going to what that’s what’s going to separate you to. Instead, you want it to be the truth of God’s word that he made you that he made you beautiful, that he loves the way you look, that he designed every aspect of your body. And sure, maybe your body doesn’t look the way that it looked 20 years ago, when you and your husband got married. But honoring and loving your body now is the most you can do. It’s the most you can do, it’s the best you can do. Don’t give up on your body. It hasn’t given up on you think about all the people that are on on the you know, in the hospital bed, about to about to perish. Oh, what they would give to trance to trade bodies with you. Don’t disregard your own body because you’re comparing it to someone on the screen. It’s a waste of everything. I found myself doing that recently, to be vulnerable with you to share.

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I found myself doing that recently. I was I’m excited the the movies, all the Avengers movies, you know, all those action movies I like. So they’re coming out with the next one end game. Right. So I, you know, let myself kind of check out some YouTube videos of interviews of some of the cast members of what’s coming, and what are some of the things to look out for and all that stuff. And I found myself just getting into this spot of comparison, you know, because of course, all the women are wearing skimpy clothes. And it just turned into this, this place of like, Whoa, that was fast. That and turned into a comparison game in no time flat. So I just encourage you, you know, depending on how sensitive you are to those things, I’m extremely sensitive to them, I have to be very careful about what I watch and have have to be very careful about what I listen to. I think some people are quite as sensitive as I am. So I don’t want to give a sweeping statement that those are things you can’t look at or whatever. But for me, it’s not healthy, it’s not good. It doesn’t make me want to seduce my husband to a greater degree because I saw these other sexy women, instead of makes me want to hide makes me want to freeze. So I just encourage you don’t let your mind go there. Don’t let you speak those evil things over yourself over your own body over your own sexiness. You have to have trust and faith and discipline that God gave you an amazing, amazing body and he did. And he did you work that thing, honey? Wow, he did. And your husband married you. He loves your body. And the more you’re confident about your own body, the more he’s going to love it. You don’t need to share with him your insecurities. Share that with a girlfriend. You can share it with her. Be like I’m feeling pretty fat today. Or I’m feeling like I don’t have enough of this aspect of my body or whatever. Your husband’s not looking at that. He’s excited about all the things you do have and what you do have in your body. Maybe you’re especially voluptuous because of a bit of extra weight on you since you’ve been married or something so great. You can absolutely accentuate that. In the bedroom, when you’re giving a striptease, you can be very specific about these areas of your body that have become fuller. Recently, let’s say, don’t use that as an excuse or a way that the enemy can get between you and your husband. Use it as an opportunity to grow you all closer. Wonderful. So just running back to this idea of words. You know, we’re supposed to love the Lord our God with all of our heart, with all of our mind with all of our strength. And then love our neighbor as ourselves. So when you think about priorities in life, I talked about this a lot. But it’s key, it’s key to be thinking, trying to just put life in a little, little bit of simpler terms, right? Loving God with everything. That’s the first and foremost, that’s the greatest commandment. Is your life looking like that? That you love God with everything? With all with all with all with all? I mean, just by saying it, I feel convicted. How can I love my, my, my husband? Now? That’s not it? How do I love my god? With all? He is God? He is all How am I loving Him with all? I invite you to think about that. What are you loving with all? You know, we have finite resources in this life. It’s not just finite time. It’s not just finite money. It’s not just finite, you know, whatever else resources, but it’s also a finite affection. I don’t think you can love everyone. All the time. But God is a God that requires that affection, loving Him with all.

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And the next thing is to love your neighbor as yourself. And here it makes it a little bit easier, right? Because now you can prioritize who’s your neighbor? Well, the first one is your spouse, if that’s what you committed to for the rest of your life. The next one is your kids. You know, because a good marriage supports raising children. But it has to be in that order. We talked about that in a lot of other podcasts, but your marriage, then your kids. Then your ministry, you know who whose God calling you to minister to. And you know, sometimes that’s people at your work. But a lot of times that’s not a lot of times that’s friends that seemed to be the quote takers in your life. But maybe those are just people you’re supposed to be ministering to. And they shouldn’t be in the taker category. They should be in the category of people I’m supposed to love right now that they need help in this season, I’m supposed to be the one to help them or love them. So it’s your ministry, then it’s your work, right? Bring in finances into, into the family. So the problem is, is when you get those priorities in your life mixed up? Well, then it’s, you’ve got a lot of problems because then you got if you don’t have if you have problems in your marriage, well then it messes up your ability to be a good parents. And it messes up your ability to do well in your ministry. And it messes up your ability to do well with your finances, all those things get messed up if your marriage is in shambles. So what I always encourage, obviously, through this, my ministry is to get your marriage in the right space, so that everything else can fall on top of that, or can fall in place. But consider just consider for a moment if your God is above your marriage. I love what Francis Chan says. He says, if if priorities shifted. Let’s say you were supposed to love your spouse, and then love God.

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would your life change at all? Does that make sense? Are you loving your spouse as though they were God?

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Because your spouse isn’t God. And just because you were meant For 30 years, and it’s a happy marriage that does not guarantee that God is going to be thrilled about the ministry you lead during your life or the way you loved him, or when you look at him at the end of the age that he knew you, right, because that’s what it’s all about is knowing God in this life. And I say this a lot is that it’s all about knowing Jesus in the context of our marriage. Marriage teaches us more about KNOWING JESUS, but don’t let it replace KNOWING JESUS. Knowing Jesus is first and foremost. What does this have to do about words? What does this have to do about your sex life? What does this have to do about marriage? A lot. Because of your sharing things with your spouse, because you think they should know everything or they should be, you know, one with your heart, your heart belongs to Jesus, your oneness belongs to God, your all of your heart belongs to Jesus. So you should be talking to him about all those things on your heart. You should be spending those those those words with God. Your days should start with your with your conversations with God, they should end with your conversations with a god you should have mid time, to at times, in conversations with God, there should be prayers with God, there should be times of just enjoyment and rest and relaxation with God. You don’t have to fill your life with what our society says you have to fill your life with. Keep God as the first of all. And so reading the Bible, reading His word, helping you to be more in line and more. Loving God with everything. That’s what’s gonna matter in this world. That’s what’s gonna matter at the end of the age. After all of that beautiful, wonderful love you have with God. That’s when your marriage comes in. And that’s when your kids and that’s when your ministry and that’s where your finances, that’s when all the other stuff.

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But God is first. And so when you want to talk about anything, talk to God.

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When you have trouble with your words, talk to God. When you have difficulties with hit with things, talk to God. This is not to separate you from your spouse, but it is to honor your relationship with God first and foremost. And to recognize that your spouse should not be your God. I find that a lot of people by God’s grace, you know, they listen to my podcast, but they also listen to a lot of other marriage podcasts, they read a lot of marriage books, and they, you know, they just this is an interest for them. Maybe because they’re struggling with marriage, but also maybe they’re just interested in this stuff. Super cool. Really good, all good stuff. But I want to challenge you Is marriage, your God is that fulfillment, the thing that you’re hoping is going to make you complete or make you ultimately able to feel fulfilled in this life. Because no matter how great your marriage is, and you know, by God’s grace, I have a 10 out of 10 kind of marriage. It doesn’t matter how great it is. Your relationship with God is first it has to be first. It has to be first. Now just because your relationship with God is first doesn’t guarantee you to have a great marriage. I’ll tell you that. There’s a lot of wisdom that goes on after that. There’s a lot of discipline, there’s a lot of necessary practice and by God’s grace, that’s my ministry. That’s the work I do. But don’t let yourself think that because something’s on your heart, it needs to go straight to your spouse. That might not be something that God wants you to share. It might end up hurting your spouse. There might be other ways there might be other things that God’s going to show you about whatever’s on your heart, whatever you’re thinking and praying about. There might be others. Are things okay? Making love? Yes becoming one flesh? Yes. Always Yes, that is always a good thing. Keep doing that. Yes. That is what Jesus was talking about when he said, the two shall become one flesh. But he did not say the two shall become one before Jesus or they shall be judged the same way that’s not the case. So I find sometimes women are so seeking that their husbands be the spiritual leader. And that’s such a desire for them. And it’s great, keep praying for your husband, bravo, I encourage that. I really am not. I’m not taking that away from you, but But you are not beholden to how deep your husband is in his faith. You are before Jesus in this life. And the deeper you go with Christ. You know, the more of a witness you are to your husband. The deeper you go in love and becoming more like Jesus is the more of a witness you are to your husband. So do not share what you should not share with your spouse. But instead bring that to God. Alrighty, well, I hope that has been an encouragement to you. I hope it has shown you. Honestly, some errors of your ways. It happens to me a lot when God teaches me something. And I’m just like, well, I did that wrong for a very long time. So I will just encourage you, that it’s his kindness that leads us to repentance. It’s his kindness. Maybe we couldn’t. Maybe we weren’t ready for a truth like this before now. And God has now called you mature enough. He has said, Okay, you are ready for this next truth. And I want to bring you closer, and just consider this. It’s not a it’s not something to condemn you. It’s an invitation to reclose. To grow closer to Jesus, that you are not in this world, you’re not in your situation on your own. You know, just because your husband isn’t everything that you want him to be. It’s, it’s not because he’s a bad husband. It’s not because he’s not

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the man that you want him to be. It’s because he can never fulfill you. That is God’s place in your life. It must be. It must be in life is still going to be hard at times, there’s still going to be challenges. But when the storms come, you will have your house built on the rock. Let me pray for you, Father, God, Lord, I pray in Jesus name. You know, it’s so interesting how this podcast was meant to be all about words, and becomes all about you. Father, it’s so easy to speak about ideals, and speak about even scripture and meditate on it. But God, to live it and to really connect with you. And to really be your son to really be your daughter, to really love you with all I mean, it feels impossible. But God I pray, Lord, for every person that hears my voice all around the world, in their in their places, their homes, their cars, their walking, wherever they are God, I asked for a greater, renewed, rejuvenated sense of a desire to love you deeper and more. God for a picture of eternity God, that when they stand before you they know you, because they have known you in this life. Got that they know you when they get to eternity God that nothing in this life would distract them from that, that they wouldn’t let it they would push those things aside and say yes, Jesus. Yes, God, you are all you are all to me. Lord, that their goal is not to have the most incredible marriage that’s not ultimately what they desire, but it’s God to do Your will. To do Your will in this earth. To love others well, Father and that they would put those priorities in loving people the right way. Their marriage, their kids, their ministry, whatever that is, then their finances on all the rest. God I believe that whatever nuggets the other person on the end of this microphone would would need. I asked God that you would just allow that to to linger in their hearts as they go about their day. God to just start with more conversations with you very easy, simple conversations with just Hey guys. Hey, God, I wanted to connect with you for a moment. I want you to know I love you. And that’s it. That’s all it has to be. They would start with a church family that would give more insight that they would be loved in and they would see what it’s like to grow and community and grow towards Jesus more and more.

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Lord, I love you. Thank you for being so good to us. I pray that you would hold us closer to you in Jesus name, Amen.

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Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion

A listener reached out to me and asked if I could let him know of the resources I have for wives about Peni. He asked about the episodes I talk about directly and indirectly. 

I think that’s wise, because many wives (and they probably have good reason–check out Episode 34 to understand why they feel this way) need a gradual introduction. And will resist any thing direct in the area of peni (aka oral sex or blow job–a word I very much dislike)

Episodes Indirectly Talking About Peni:

Directly Talking About Peni:

Learn more of the practicalities of oral sex by downloading our FREE 1-page. Sign up below to receive the 4 Stages To His Best Oral Orgasm guide, for free!