The organization was founded by Belah Rose who saw the crisis of marriages everywhere and wanted to ring the bell of HOPE! She heard a speaker admonish the listeners: “Don’t decide what you want to do with your life based on what others think you should, the money, or even ‘the sure thing.’ Instead, answer the question: ‘What is the work that needs to be done?'” For Belah, Delight Your Marriage was the resounding answer to that question.

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When you’re not sure why things aren’t changing, and you feel you’re throwing darts in the dark — it’s vital you know where you’re standing right now to improve strategically.

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Sexless + Controlling = miserable husband

Sex-Full + Controlling = miserable husband

Sexless + Non Controlling = miserable husband

Sadly, sexless or controlling or both are the biggest problems I see. And this is what I hear from husbands that are desperate for change. I want to help you!

JFYI My husband said this is one of the best podcasts ever—he has only said that 1 other time (!) so I hope this is one that is helpful for you.

I talk about foundational truths about men and women that I don’t hear people shouting from the rooftops—but they should be! Learn how to strategically change what is going on in your marriage!

Sadly, sexless or controlling or both are the biggest problems I see. And this is what I hear from husbands that I work with. I want to help you!

Come on my free webinar TOMORROW, Friday, May 24, 2019 at 7:30pm EST:

The 7 Blocks to Her Libido: Remove these for generous intimacy in your marriage

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I used to be a CONTROLLING wife. And there was a ton of tension. He was miserable and so was I. I didn’t like who my husband was. He didn’t like me either.

When I changed, my husband’s joy, the best parts of who he is returned and improved! He’s now the most amazing man I’ve ever met. Seriously. And I’m happier than I could ever have imagined.

What can you do as a husband? A LOT! Here are 3 keys that you can change things in your relationship!

—-

Here are the resources I chat about:

Discover her strengths: www.delightyourmarriage.com/strengths

Free webinar:

The 7 Blocks to Her Libido: Remove these for generous intimacy in your marriage

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah rose. Hello,

0:18
hello, and welcome. Welcome, I am so excited that you have joined me, my name is belah rose. And this is a podcast where I seek to give you the tools to have an incredible marriage. And it’s truly an opportunity and a gift, and a privilege that I have the ability to speak to you. And I’m praying for this conversation to truly be life changing for you, dear husband, I want to start out by just saying, I have been the controlling wife. shocking as it may be, I have been extremely controlling to my husband. And we were miserable as a result. So before I dive into, truly what I feel are the three keys that can transform your marriage, regardless of how broken and stifling and exhausting it feels right now. And so before I dive into that, though, I’m really excited. And I want to invite you on a live and free webinar that I’m having this Friday. So I’m releasing this podcast Thursday. So tomorrow, you need to sign up WWW dot delight your marriage.com/seven blocks, that’s the number seven B loc K s. And that’s what I’m talking about the seven blocks to her libido. So what has been causing her to have a low drive all these years, you know, what mistakes might you be making that has actually been blocking her from having the libido that she really can have? You know, what are the things then that you proactive Lily can do, because the men that listen to my podcast, they are action takers, and they want to learn how to make things better. And I know because you all reach out to me, I’m proud of you. I think you’re awesome. And these are the keys that I see most often missed by husbands. I work with husbands, I work with wives, these are the things I wish they knew to really stop the misery, the pain, the loneliness that they have felt because of the lack of intimacy. So come on the webinar. Again, it’s free, it’s this Friday, go ahead and sign up, you can sign up at www dot delight your marriage.com/the number seven, BL o CK s. And I really look forward to seeing you there. There’s a limited space of the amount of attendees so make sure that you jump on the call a little early, have a notebook and pen ready because we are going to dive into some really life changing stuff. In the past I’ve had webinars and by God’s grace, even years later, people have said that was the catalyst to change things. So it is the time. I’ll see you tomorrow. Let’s go ahead and dive in on how to change a controlling wife and the three keys that I think are truly going to be game changers for you.

3:43
Okay, so starting off, I wanted to tell you about my Mother’s Day. So we actually ended up scheduling or my husband scheduled a surprise for me the weekend after Mother’s Day. So he was amazing. And went ahead and got our kids with the in laws over the weekend. So we had Friday into late Saturday, just for the two of us. So I guess it was like, well, it’s Friday, late afternoon till Saturday. So what we did was pretty amazing. We went first of all, he told me where to meet him. And you know, we live in New York City. So he told me to meet him in Time Square, which on a beautiful Friday afternoon the weather was perfect. meant that there were like, probably a million people in Time Square. It was kind of insane. But it was pretty funny that he had me meet him in a particular spot that was also very crowded, but there was music going on and he came up to me and was like, I just saw you over here and you looked so beautiful and I I wanted to introduce myself. So part of the thing that I love doing, we do this only every now and then. But when we do it, it’s really special for me. So men keep, keep a close ear, because this may be what your wife would really love to. But essentially, we start out by pretending that we are strangers. And the husband really has to romance the woman. And we leave our wedding rings at home. And it’s pretty fun. So anyway, so he chatted me up and gave me plenty of compliments. And it was just great. It was so fun. And so then there was street dancers, which again, happens a lot in New York, which is really fun. And so I was like, so I actually really love to dance. Mind if I kind of move around? And oh, that’s what I said. I said, I actually really love to dance. And he was like, Oh, I’d love to see you dance. And so he doesn’t like to dance. But I did. So I kind of danced a little bit with him, even though he was standing still. But he enjoyed me dancing. So that was fun. And anyway, he was like, so I actually was going to go have dinner, would you like to come? Turns out, I felt safe enough that I was going to go with a stranger to dinner. So I went with him. And we had dinner and a much more quiet spot. We took the train a little bit further in did that. And then I invited me to go to the next place that he had on the on the schedule. And I actually thought we were going to go see a movie that I had wanted to see. We rarely rarely see movies in theaters just I don’t. I’m just not interested in seeing most movies that come out. But he had I had thought that we were gonna see this movie that I really wanted to see. And because he had been dropping hints about it for so long, so I was just like, sure that’s what we were gonna do. Anyway, turns out we did not do that. And he surprised me. And we went bowling instead. And it was so fun. Because like I said, I like to dance. And it was like this bowling alley that had really great music. And it was perfect because I could dance and bowl and oh, so fun. Anyway, so that’s what we did. That night. The next day. We had a wonderful morning, and then we went to brunch together. And it was ended up being probably we got to the brunch place at eight. Before they even opened brunch. We really, we had to have like, one of their, like coffee shop pastries before they actually opened the the brunch menu. So we had coffee and a pastry and then we just kept talking and then had wonderful, just delicious. I can’t even remember what I ate. What was it? It was like baked artichokes and spinach and eggs. It was baked eggs. That’s what it was. Artichoke is but it was delicious. Anyway, so we were just talking, I think we were there for four or five hours. It was awesome. Then we went walking in the park and and then I took a nap because I was very tired. And because no kids I could take a nap. Anyway, it was such a wonderful Mother’s Day. And one of the things we were talking about in our conversation was my husband was like

8:38
we were talking about how I had changed as a woman over these years of us being together knowing each other and just over the years. And he said to me well, one thing that, you know, kind of throughout the conversation, one thing that actually made my eyes kind of tear up was I looked at him and I was like, you know, I’m just so grateful that you gave me the grace to change. Over these years you have allowed me to change. And I feel like the reason is, you have always seen me as better than I saw myself. I’ve never felt like I was in this box of having to be the woman that I was yesterday. I felt like you were willing to let me change. And it was so powerful for him to have that perspective of me. He never you know later rolled his eyes of Lego Well, I told you so or you’re this way you’ll always be this way. Never Never and I guess that may be something to take away your husband. If you’re listening to this Don’t Don’t put your wife in a box and don’t don’t feel like she can’t change because she can. And here’s a perfect example. When I said at the outset of this podcast episode, I was the controlling wife. And he even told me that one of the biggest changes that I’ve made, is how I used to be controlling. And he even gave me an example of when we went to my cousin’s wedding, now my cousin is extremely well to do. She’s grown up in a household that has absolutely taught her all the bit of politeness and manners and all that. And then she married a husband, who is also extremely well to do, and both of them have hearts of gold, but they absolutely understand what manners looks like. And this wedding was unbelievable. And so when my husband and I were there, I kind of felt like, you know, he needed to make a good impression, I needed to make a good impression. And my husband’s much more reserved than me, he’s much quieter than me. And he’s such an amazing man, that I want people to know him I want, you know, people to understand why I’m with him, you know, because he’s so incredible. So I in that wedding situation, I would, I think I even, and he told me this. So I know, it’s true, I think I physically, like pushed him into conversations that he didn’t want to be in. Like, it’s, it’s a shaming, like, I’m ashamed to even admit it, but it’s true. I was not allowing him to be who he is, and give him the freedom of just like, I respect you, honey, you do whatever the heck you want to do in this wedding, and I’m gonna make myself happy too. And if I want to go interact with the well to do folks that I feel like I need to go chat with, then I’ll do that. Or I’ll spend time just with you. Or I’ll just give you a beer and let you sit off in the corner and do whatever you want to do, you know, or you can go sit out by the car, and you don’t even have to be interacting at all. And, anyway, and but that was my mindset was I was too concerned with with the way others would judge me or judge us. I was concerned with how I was fitting in. And it was this fear of whether or not people were judging me, because my husband wasn’t interacting or wasn’t willing to speak or wasn’t willing to, you know, jump in the conversation and tell jokes and stories like everyone else was. So that was kind of the way I was that’s just one example, oh my gosh, I would call him out. When he would share stories, I would interrupt him and correct him on facts. And I was like, What’s the point of talking, if when you do start your wife interrupts you, and it tells you what the real story or tells you the real facts. You know, that’s not encouraging you to share open up, just as one other example. But I mean, it was constant. I was a controlling wife. I didn’t like how, you know how he did certain things. And I felt like I did it better. And so I was the one that made sure we didn’t get lost. When we were going somewhere. I was the one that

13:31
made sure all the bills were being paid, because I knew he couldn’t figure out x, y and z. And, and it was all on my shoulders. I ended up being extremely stressed and angry at him. And I felt like he wasn’t able to do anything. And it was so much tension between us that I couldn’t I just couldn’t figure out where were we going wrong. Because the sex thing was in place, we had that figured out that was fine for us. Which most of the time controlling wives don’t have that part in place. So we were still having a good marriage in a lot of ways. But this tension would not end and I was just like, did I marry the wrong guy? I mean, should I have married someone who clearly was, you know, the strong leader who, you know, was everything that I am and more. And those were things that literally went through my head, which is awful to think but I’m saying that because I want you to know, are those things that are going through your head? Is that a concern that you have and I want to give you hope that no you didn’t you chose the right partner. You chose the partner that you should have and you chose them. So now take responsibility and do everything you can so that it can change. And once again, this is my work is to transform couples and dynamics and transform what they have gone through. So let me just talk about how you, as a husband can transform things in your marriage, because I don’t want you to feel like you’re a victim anymore. You are not a victim to this life or to your marriage, you can make changes, big, big changes. So let’s talk about why a wife is controlling this is the first key is for you to understand and discover the fears beneath the control. What is beneath the accusations, the criticism, this is the disrespect, what is beneath that, to start to get curious about what is going on, rather than reactive about those accusations, the control the criticism, the disrespect, what is going on. So let’s talk about the causes. First of all, she’s been disappointed by you by others, or she’s had bad role modeling. And now you’re taking the hit. So ultimately, that equals fear. She’s scared that her needs are not going to be met. Now, husband, if you haven’t yet taken out a notebook and a journal to start jotting these things down, I want you to because this is really important. And if you really want your marriage to change, you’ve got to really invest in making it change. You can’t just consume something and be like, Okay, I got some more knowledge, I’ll you know, maybe this will come up in my head sometime later. Like you actually have to enact a strategy and actually do the work if you want it to change. So feel free to listen to this podcast again, with your notebook and your pen and actually do the work. I work with men that literally after we do our teachings every week, he re reads all of the notes every single week, to make sure they’re fresh in his mind, and he’s actually doing them and I got to tell you, his results are fantastic. So do the work. And you’ll get the results. So again, she’s scared that her needs won’t be met. What are her needs as a wife, her needs are to be cherished, are to be known and to be safe.

17:31
What do I mean by cherished she wants to be romanced to be wooed and not be taken for granted. She wants to be that woman that was dated by you. She loved that woman that received that, you know, opening the car door and carrying her bag for her and just wooing her in every sense of the word word, taking her on surprise dates, giving her flowers, what were who you were you when you guys were dating, who is that romantic man that she fell in love with. That’s what she wants to be cherished number one. Number two, she wants to be known. She’s a 21st Century woman, she wants to be known for being capable for being having strengths for having the ability to have a really great whether it’s career or capacity as a mother, or a capacity as a incredible volunteer or credible ministry leader. She wants to be known she wants that she wants to recognize that you know, her and her amazing strengths. And in a similar way, you know, this, this bleeds into other things as well like it, she wants others to know that she understands cultural norms and she understands that the home should look a certain way or that, you know, her career should be a certain way or that the reputation of her for her family should look a certain way or be a certain way or you know that she has this ideal of perfection that you know that she understands and so she she can make her life look that perfect way that she wants it to look so those that’s all kind of similar in this being known thing not just by you, but by others what, what are her high standards, she wants those high standards to be enacted in her life. So when you’re not meeting those things, right, that’s her fear coming up and then she’s controlling and telling you what to do and accusing you for not meeting her standards. Right. So that’s being known and third one is being safe. So every time you exert your right to respect which as a husband, you know your need is to be respected is to not be seen as weak. And for sexual intimacy. That’s that’s those are your needs as a husband to feel fulfilled. But when you exert your rights for those things, you undermine her feelings of safety. which separates her which which undermines her ability to then give up control. Because fear, think about it, when you are afraid you grab on tighter. But when you’re, when you’re not afraid, you loosen the reins, you start to open up, you start to relax, you start to surrender to the recognition that you’re safe, you’re going to be held that he’s Gotcha. You don’t have to hold on for your life, because you’re not doing this by yourself, you can trust. So that safety, what are some things she’s scared about? She’s probably scared about money. So if she’s controlling in your career and your job in the details of what you’re going through at work, she probably just scared about her own livelihood, are you going to take care of the family? Are you going to make sure that this is important to you? You know, maybe she’s very controlling around the kids. Like that’s something she’s scared about whether or not you care about her kids the way that she does, whether he or not, whether or not, you’re going to take care of them. You know, maybe she’s scared more about you the family’s reputation, you know, the kids got to have clean clothes, and the right shoes and all this kind of stuff. And maybe that’s around really being scared that she’s going to be expelled from the community of whomever she wants to be included. With, you know, maybe it’s her fear of being criticized or gossiped behind their her back, you know, maybe there’s this fear around reputation. And then what about sex? You know, what if, you know, why is sex, something that is such a, you know, maybe she’s controlling around that she doesn’t? She withholds that. Well, that’s around safety, if she threatened by sex, you know, here are the fears that might be involved with her is, are you a jerk? Like the rest of society is? who just wants sex, you know, wants women for their bodies, abuses women, uses women for sex, that’s all they are to him?

22:19
Or are you going to take advantage of her like those in the past? And she’s just decided, no, it’s not happening. I have been gotten married. This is, this is not happening. I’m not going to be taken advantage of, or do you understand that there’s a lot of sex stuff that sin, maybe you don’t realize the breadth of sin that’s out there. And maybe you’re going to walk into it? And we’re going to, you know, there’s there’s fears around that? Or maybe there’s a fear around you know, do you see her as beautiful or just one of the women you’ve had experience with in the past and just so you know, pornography feels for her like you’ve had a sexual experience with her and the truth is you have that’s not God’s plan for us as people to to have any kind of sexual experience with anyone else. So that’s a fear of hers is Are You Experienced her sexuality as you did? Or are you looking at her as someone in the past so that was the first key is discover the fears beneath the accusations control, criticisms, disrespect, kind of put your sleuth hat on, put your hat of curiosity on to say what is going on underneath the accusations, the control the criticism, there’s disrespect. She’s scared that her needs won’t be met, cherished, known and being safe. The next thing, the next key is to discover her strengths. You want to open her up, you want her to become receptive, you want her to soften, because a controlling woman is not soft, and you and I both know that she is not soft. You want her to soften. So again, you want to be consistently letting her feel cherished, known and safe. So you want to transform the culture of your marriage. In terms of being known. You don’t want a competition anymore. You want her to know that you know who she is. And it’s not a competition with who you are. So discover her strengths, discover what makes her unique and capable and awesome. Who is she as a woman as a person? That is amazing, outside of her body, just so you know, outside of her body. She wants her personhood to be valued. So, if you’re not familiar yet, with Strengths Finder, it’s an incredible, incredible tool and resource for you to look through every single strength. Just a very brief description. and see who your wife is, and then start to give her compliments based on the strengths you know that she has. And that she is. So you can look in the show notes of this podcast, and I’m going to have a PDF there where you can truly discover her strengths, you can go to www dot delight your marriage.com/strengths. And you’ll be able to download that PDF. So just look at that, and discover what’s hers, what are the things that she is strong at, and they give her three compliments a day in the direction that you want her to go. So if you see her as someone that is really amazing at listening, or a really amazing at having empathy are really amazing at you know, being a great person of faith, these are things that you can compliment her on, and continue to compliment her in the direction you want her to go. Don’t don’t compliment her in the controlling aspects. Because that’s not the direction you want her to go. Compliment her in the ways that she is trusting and compliment her in the ways of Thank you babe

26:23
for, you know, letting me pay for that thing that I don’t know, it made me feel like I was dating you again that I got to do something special for you. You want to just be complimenting her in the direction you want her to go. And of course I talk about far more about this in my work with them in that I do. But remind her of why you fell in love with her. That’s a key thing that you can do over and over and over again. In not and these are not sarcastic ways. These are genuine ways. These are not ways that are going to make her feel like Oh, I’m not that woman anymore. You want to just have very subtle ways of just helping her to know that you love her. You know, reminding her of those things. I remember one time I spoke to a couple years ago, and the husband had in past I remember, I can’t remember why. But I heard him say something like, you know, that was the reason one of the reasons I fell in love with my wife is because of her beautiful singing voice. And I remember I met his wife a month or two later. And I told her that and I could see this expression of surprise, but also pride that her husband would speak of her that way to a stranger, essentially, or I didn’t know her husband very well. So it made her feel really special. And so those kinds of things, you don’t know how far it goes. But that is again what’s going to soften her and allow her to become receptive to transformation. And in a similar way, you want to give her two delights every week. So I’m trying to be very practical here three compliments a day in two delights every week. And I mean, giving her flowers I mean thinking about her and picking up some you know favorite food at the grocery store. I mean taking her out on a special date, any kind of date um even tiny things but also big things to to likes every week just shows that you cherish her you are not taking her for granted like maybe you clean up the the house for her you get a house cleaner for or something to show that you don’t take her for granted you cherish her. Okay, so the third key is listen, listen, listen. Here is where you put it all to the test. Does she really believe that you cherish no and she’s truly safe. You listen to her, you prove to her that you understand her? And what she says matters to you. And let me tell you the power of listening. You might be like oh come on Bella. That was the key. Are you kidding me? Listen closely, my dear husband, because let me tell you how important listening is you can a defuse an argument B you can move something from tension to peace. C you can redirect a conversation entirely. D you can make someone feel hurt. Ie you can make someone feel valued and loved. If you can make help someone sort through the confusion in their own minds. Gee, you can make someone feel respected. Ah, you can help someone not feel lonely anymore. I you can heal a hurt Jay, you can ignore The emotional, non true attacks, and, quote, move the ball forward. I say move the ball forward a lot in my coaching, because it’s really important for all of us to understand in our marriages that we are either moving the ball forward, or we’re throwing it in the woods, and who knows what else. But move the ball forward, you know, don’t respond to an emotional, non true attack. But instead, listen, and move the ball forward.

30:44
So here’s how to do it, I want to be very clear, you want to listen, you want to give her your full attention, don’t ignore her, resist that urge, if she has controlled for a very long time, or even just the last year of your marriage, you know, you thought you shockingly, she turned into this controlling monster. Don’t ignore her, it will make it worse. What are you going to do to finally transformed this? Here is the key. It’s a very this is like, this is gold right here. So I hope you’re writing these things down, use a tool called reflective listening. Now, when I teach this to my men, they’re like, you know, shocked at the dramatic effect, they first of all, think it’s very weird and unnatural. But then when they start using it, they are blown away with how effective it is. And it’s extremely, extremely effective. So you use reflective listening, when you’re dealing with strong emotions, whether they’re positive or negative, against you or someone else. So this is going to be extremely helpful for her to feel, again, receptive and open and softened, to transform. But you’re also going to use that to actually change her from being controlling. And again, you’re thinking about moving the ball forward, what’s going to get to the end game, what’s going to move the ball to the next side of the field. So let’s say she’s saying something that actually has a lot of controlling nature to it. And I’m going to give you a specific example. But the way you do it is you essentially repeat it back to her. And what this does is it gives her the opportunity to maybe extend her conversation, extend what she’s feeling, disagree, and say that’s not what she said, or even what she meant. Maybe she did say that exactly, but maybe she meant something else by it. But let me give you an example. So first of all, this is what I call the investment conversation. So the goal here is to one show that you understand and to, to to withhold your need, and right to be respected as a man. Okay, you’re going to withhold that again. How are we moving the ball forward? This is the investment conversation. So here’s the example. Her go take the kids to practice. You take the kids to practice her. Yeah, and you better be on time. You. You want me to be on time? Yeah. You’re always late. You, I’m always late. Yeah. Now go. Okay, hold up, hold up, hold up. How was that a helpful conversation? Well, it was an investment conversation. Once again, you show you understand, and you withhold your need or right to respect. This is a conversation that is moving the ball forward. This is not a conversation that’s changing anything, it isn’t an investment conversation. Alright, let’s talk about the clarification and meaning of the conversation. So this is clarification and meaning conversation. Now the goal of this conversation is to in an another investment, and her belief in the safety or being cherished or being known. And in this particular example of the value that you have of the kids for this particular situation. And again, this is the clarification and meaning conversation. So let’s say this is the next day. You Hey, baby, her yeah, you Is now a good time to chat. Yeah, I wanted to circle back about something. Okay. Can I check an assumption with you? Okay. When you said I’m always late to drop off the boys to practice. Did you mean I don’t care about the boys. Her No, I know you care. It’s just the Jeffrey cried the other day because he wasn’t allowed to start because he was late. You. So Jeffrey was upset because I was late last time. Her Yeah. You. Okay, thanks for clarifying that. At the time, I thought you meant I didn’t care about the boys, her. I know you care. You You know, I care her I do. Thank you.

35:32
So if you think about that, we started out with an investment conversation where you just did whatever she said, right? But what you not only did you made it clear that you understood why and what she was saying. And then because you did that she was opening, she was open to having that next clarification and meaning conversation, where you then again, underscored not only what she meant, but what her concern was, her fear was that you didn’t care about the boys. And so you, you made it very clear that you care about the boys. And so what does that mean? The next time, she probably won’t need to tell you to be on time. Because she knows you care about the boys. She knows you understand about Jeffrey she knows you care. So her fear is then healed? And it’s alleviated? Does that make sense? She was responding to a fear. And that’s why she told you what to do in a disrespectful way. Yes, it was disrespectful. Yes, it it made you sound like you were an idiot. But how are you going to move the ball forward, you have an investment conversation, which again, your reflective listening, and you do whatever she says, Fine. And then you have a clarification in meaning conversation later, when the emotions are good. When everyone’s happy, no big deal. And you say something like, Can I check an assumption with you, she says, Okay. And then you check what you think the fear is. And then you have a real conversation where she feels heard, and she feels cherished, she feels known, she feels safe, her fears are healed. I hope this is making sense, I hope that you are then able to move your marriage from control and misery, to a place of peace and joy and love and freedom. With that in mind, all of this and any of this can only happen on a foundation of peace. There needs to be an absolute biting of your tongue, it takes two to tango man, you cannot be having arguments and be trying to change your marriage at the same time. There it takes two to tango, it is not worth it. Change now, do not have arguments now. So that for so you can make changes in your marriage. So then the decades and decades of the rest of the time you’re married the rest of the time you’re living, you can have an amazing marriage, but don’t mess it up. Because you know something stupid about what color the towels are, or what, you know, time you should make reservations or you know, where you should go on vacation. Or if you should build a garage or just bizarre things that people argue about. And then they get divorce, because they just get so exhausted, don’t do that. Don’t do that. Instead, have a foundation of peace, be strategic in the short term. It doesn’t have to be strategic for 12 years, Be strategic for a year, one year and then have the next 1020 30 years 40 years, being the kind of man that God wants you to be having the kind of marriage that God wants you to have and letting your ministries flow out of the marriage that you have. I want to ask you something dear husband, do you have the strength to turn this around? It is not a strong man who demands his right to be respected. That is not a strong man. A strong man is one who acts strategically wisely to then turn the marriage around He has got to be patient, but he has got to be consistent. And he has got to have endurance. That is a strong man. I believe that you are a strong man, I believe that you are going to be strategic. And I believe that God is going to use your diligence to turn this around. Let me go ahead and pray for you.

40:30
Father, God, in Jesus name, I pray for the man that’s listening. Lord, I pray that you would stir up in him a desire for more in his marriage, and in his life, God that he no longer will be a victim to what he is going through right now he will no longer rebel. And, and, and act even childish and immature. Because of what’s happening right now. God, he now has the tools he needs to transform things in his marriage, God and I pray he would, I pray he would God that he would not fall down against the monster of fear that his wife feels right now, God, the enemy is wreaking havoc on their marriage, father, and it’s debilitating, both of them from doing your will in this world. I pray in Jesus name. It has done the same in my marriage in my life, in my husband’s experience of our marriage in his life. I just pray in Jesus name. God that when you get to the other side of this life is sweet. And people’s lives can be transformed, and the kingdom of heaven is extended. So God I asked Lord, that He would suffer the pain of discipline instead of the pain of regret. In Jesus mighty name. Let him stand up. And what does it look like to truly be a strong man to truly be a man of strength and valor and honor? In Jesus mighty name, I call him out of being the wimpy, rebellious, childish boy that he has acted. And I call him out and say it’s time it’s time to stand up and diligence and, and honor and be the man that God wants you to be. Be the soldier that God wants you to be and what does that look like in your marriage, not to cut down your wife any longer but to protect her and to help her with her fears and to help her feel heard and healed and loved and cherished and known and safe. That she is safe with you that she’s not battling you anymore but she is being protected by you. In Jesus name, you can do this and I pray you would with marriages around the world God

43:05
help this man. God by your grace do this work in Jesus name, amen. Thank you so much for listening, praying for you. And I would love to have you on the webinar. And I would love to work with you one on one if that feels like the right next step for you. God bless bye

43:39
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion

211-“Honey, you’re hot–PLEASE seduce me!”

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Yep… MY husband said this! Like last week.

What did he mean? Maybe you’re a wife that has insecurities like me? After a wonderfully intimate evening, I came clean about something I had been struggling with for a while. He was able to give ear to my heart and hear that I was feeling pain that I wasn’t even aware I was hiding from him.

Various husbands have expressed confusion as to why a wife wouldn’t want him looking at others while at the SAME TIME she’s hiding her curves he LONGS to see!

As a wife, I get it and I stumble in this way too. If I am not vigilant I can fall just like the enemy wants us all to. I think it’s sin because we’re separating ourselves from God and what He wants us to do… (Quite literally) our husbands.

Maybe you’re a husband who doesn’t “get it”. I have some important insights for you too!

Further… I’m EXTREMELY excited to invite you on a LIVE Webinar with me coming up!

On Fri, May 24 & Sun, June 2, 7:30pm EST

I’ll be hosting a LIVE FREE WEBINAR:

WHAT’S BLOCKING HER LIBIDO? The 7 Mistakes you might be making!

Sign up: www.delightyourmarriage.com/7blocks

transcript

0:19
Key there, and welcome, welcome. I am so grateful that you join me. My name is belah rose. And this is the delight your marriage podcast, where we talk about all things intimacy. So a lot of that is talking about physical intimacy, because of course, that bleeds into everything else in your marriage. And in fact, it’s what I consider a catalytic part of your marriage. Because if you have amazing physical intimacy, oh my gosh, it can absolutely transform your emotional intimacy as well as spiritual intimacy, it really is a spiritual experience between the two of you. Alright, so before I dive in, when you listen to this podcast, I would invite you to consider whether or not you would benefit from a free webinar from me, called the seven blocks to her libido. Now, obviously, this is directed towards men. But if you’re a woman who’s curious about what I might be talking about, and it might be something that you want your husband to watch, I would encourage you to go ahead and sign up. So you can go to www dot delight your marriage.com/seven blocks, that’s the number seven, and then BL o CK s. Okay, so that’s actually going to be coming up very soon. So go ahead and sign up as soon as you can. And I’ll get you all the information that you need. But I’m looking forward to that. I think it’s going to be a really wonderful time together and it will be live. Okay, fantastic. So let’s dive in. I am so excited to talk to you about this topic. Because now that I teach men through virtual classes, as well as one on one, I really get excited to hear more about their hearts and where they’re coming from. And this podcast has been directed at women from the beginning. Because I have always sought to teach women the value of physical intimacy in their marriage, what that means practically inspire them empower them, to really have an amazing sexual intimate experience in their marriage. But funny enough, I would say just based on those who reached out to me, I don’t know 60% 70% 80%, maybe of my listeners are men, because they hear what I have to say they agree with it. And they are seeking how in the world can I transform things for my marriage for my wife’s perspective?

3:17
So that’s one of the reasons why I’ve started working with men, because I’m like, listen, gentlemen, there’s a lot of room for your improvement, there’s a lot of space for you to get help. And so I am beginning classes for men. And my next class starts June 1. So I encourage you to what I’m going to be doing is sharing quite a lot more about that class. But what I’m doing is consecutive class, so I’m going to be doing an eight week course for men take a month off in August. And then either mid September or late September, I’ll be starting a eight week course for women. And my women’s course has been extremely effective. And so what this does is give a husband plenty of time to enact everything that I’ve talked about to give his marriage such a boost and such a joy and an intimacy, emotionally and a safety sexually, that he may be able to invite his wife there three months from now that she would be willing and interested in want to take that eight week course with me. But my dear husband, you have to do the hard work. In order to lay that foundation you have to be extremely strategic. If you really want your marriage to change. You have to be extremely strategic. It may be a six month process, but let me tell you what you didn’t get here overnight. A lot of you have been suffering 25 years of sexless. marriage or something, something close to that I’ve worked with, with marriages like that, and by God’s grace thing have things have changed in a very short amount, short amounts of time. But if your wife is not willing to work with me, you have got to do different things, you have got to make changes. And so by God’s grace, I work with men and their marriages are changing, they’re becoming more emotionally intimate their wives are beginning to initiate, when they never have initiated before, they’re beginning to kiss them in public, or be willing to have intimate moments of communication where they never have before intimacy through different ways of physical intimacy than they ever have before. But you have to do the hard work first. And that’s what I want to work with you on. So come on my webinars, so you understand what’s blocking her libido. That’s a free webinar once again. And then I can help you have more insight into what might be stopping her. So let’s dive in more deeply into today’s topic of honey, you’re so hot, you know, please seduce me.

6:36
Awesome. So what happens a lot of times is my husband and I made love. And we have the opportunity afterwards to really connect on very deep levels. And sometimes things bubble up to the top that I hadn’t expected. He hadn’t expected. But they were there. They’ve been there for a long time. But something about lovemaking connects you to like nothing else. And communication flows much easier. You both have had oxytocin release this feel good hormone, he especially is much softer, because that is really the only time he has that kind of immense release of that wonderful feel good hormone that is so vital to his experience of love and feeling connected to her. So it’s really special to have that time together. And I definitely encourage you women and men to really value that time, that afterglow of sexual intimacy. But I digress. My husband and I were speaking and I realized there’s been something under the surface that had been building up for a while. And I was like, Honey, I have been feeling something. And I feel embarrassed to share it. I feel really embarrassed to share it and I I don’t I don’t. Yeah, I I don’t want I almost don’t want to share it. And I’m sharing it with you now. So clearly, there was some healing that happened since then. But I was like, Honey, I’ve been feeling really bad about my body. And he kind of sat up a little bit. And he’s like, really, and that intensity. And that desire to comfort me is so vital to my heart. So as a husband, when you start to sense your wife is opening up vulnerably emotionally that impacts her so deeply, when she begins to open up emotionally recognize that that’s a direct access to her ReSSA because opening opening opening now a husband is penetrating penetrating. She must open for his penetration to equal love to her if she’s not open that doesn’t feel like love that feels like abuse and being used. So you want her to feel open. Because even though sexual intimacy as a man is love to you, it doesn’t feel like love to her unless she is open. And that happens through emotional intimacy. Or it happens through what I call feminine sex, which is lovemaking that feels like lovemaking to her and I talk about that extensively in my Men’s course and what that means to be an amazing lover in her eyes, which is very different than Our society makes it out to be. And the opposite of what pornography makes it out to be. Anyway. So he sat up right away. And he’s like, Oh, wow. Oh, honey, I didn’t know you’ve been feeling this way, how long you’ve been feeling this way. And I was like, Honey, honestly, it’s been several months, I just feel like I’ve gained a lot of weight. And, you know, I’ve been in this you know, honestly, just this weird space of trying not to focus on you know, diets and all that stuff I’ve done yo yo diets my whole life, which if you don’t know what that means, it means that you lose some weight, and then you gain weight, and you lose some weight and you gain weight. It’s just like, up and down and up and down, like a yo, yo, and. And so I’m trying, I’ve been trying to not do that. And if you’ve listened to my podcast, you know that I’m, I’m really against that, that mindset, but I want to talk about it again today, because it’s something I struggle with. And I know that the vast majority of our culture struggles with something similar. If it’s not specifically dieting, it’s something else. So he just had a really open ear to what I had to say. And I talked about how

11:39
I haven’t been able to really see myself as beautiful in recent weeks or months. And he, he’s like, Honey, I’m so glad you told me. I had no idea. That’s how you were feeling. And again, that was the affirmation I needed. So gentlemen, take note, when your wife is vulnerable with you, when he she shares her heart, be grateful, be grateful that she shares her emotions with you. Not just because it opens her ReSSA. But because it opens her heart. I mean, that is the wife that you love. She’s sharing with you her most intimate feelings. And that that’s, that’s your job as her protector and her mate to hold her in that. That’s what she desires most. And so he said, I’m so grateful that you shared that with me. And then he affirmed to me, he said, Honey, you’re so beautiful. If you could only see your body through my eyes, if you could only see how beautiful you are in my eyes. And I guess, you know, thinking in my head, like Glee, Yeah, I sure wish I did. And I was like, Honey, it makes me not want to seduce you, because I don’t feel good about myself. And he was like, Honey, you’re so hot. Please seduce me. And I thought that was really funny. And that gave me the inspiration to have this conversation with you. Because the truth of the matter is on all, you know, measures out there objective measures, I seduce him plenty he he enjoys quite a lot of seduction. But with that in mind, it really takes a lot of preparation in my own heart to make sure that I’m seducing him. And I know I could put myself out there even more, and I could do more with myself and my body. And personally, I know I could. And I teach women to do this in my courses. And I practice them myself. However, there’s far more you can always make your intimacy way more way hotter and more steamy and all these kinds of things. And we’ve had seasons of our marriage where I have been out of my head in my body far more and our intimacy has just exploded, and it’s just been in these recent weeks that I have been allowing the enemy to speak lies to me about my body so that I have kind of crumpled in side my shell to not feel good, and then thus not want to seduce him. I wanted to give a little have insight about how men think. In my men’s group, I was teaching about how pornography is so terrible. In a marriage, it has no place in either the man’s life or in the woman’s life, or in their life together, it should not be anywhere.

15:22
As a couple that seeks healthy, good, God honoring marriage, and if I’ve ever been unclear about that, please know that that is never, ever been okay. In my book, it is sadly rampant in our society, and almost like an expectation for people. It is not okay, and it is not an expectation. And when you stand before Jesus, you have no excuse to say, Well, my wife wouldn’t make love to me, of course, I had to sin and in do pornography, and that is just, Jesus is not gonna, he’s gonna be like, Are you kidding me? What are what are you 12? Like, what? No, what you need to do is get countability in place, you need to get a filter on your computer, a great one is covenant eyes.com. Another one is xx, xx church.com. These are great resources. You need to get people in your church that are holding you accountable. Other men that know what’s going on, your wife should not be your accountability partner on this, it’ll hurt her too much. All that to say is do not do porn. But next, when I kind of was talking about how the reason it will hurt your wife is because she wants your eyes to be completely on her. She wants your attention. She wants you to fully love her. I mean, she wants her body to be the only thing that turns you on. She wants it to be all her. And this husband was having a really hard time believing that because he was like, my wife doesn’t even want me to see her change or get naked. Why in the world? You know, I just don’t believe you saying that. She wants, you know, my eyes just for her. And I understand now, in the moment, I was like, how, how does he How was he missing those. But I recognize it’s not logical. Because of course, if if a wife wanted his eyes, you would think she would like, just go crazy to make him crazy. Like she would go far out of her way to get him excited about her body. But here’s the thing. A wife has to be extremely confident in her own body, to present her body to him. Because our society tells her that you’re not worthy of attention unless you look like these women. And so she’s scared to reveal her body. And so what a husband’s job is, is to really help her to understand the beauty of her body, help her to feel that she is the only one he desires. And He disciplines his own heart and his own mind, to only desire his wife. And the beautiful thing is the more they make love, he does it. Actually, the more you a man orgasms to a certain visual, the actual the more he’s like addicted to that visual. So as he watches his wife, be the one that he has an orgasm when he sees her, he does see her more and more and more beautiful. So I encourage you in that it will become more so. So I had to explain to this husband that your wife actually does want you to be turned on by her. Basically no matter what she’s wearing, no matter what she’s doing. She feels like you know, she’s the one that should have your attention.

19:27
And I gave him an anecdote of one of my personal clients that I work with one on one. You know, she’s extremely, extremely modest. And she had trouble understanding why her husband would want her to wear any immodest clothing to be turned on because she looks beautiful in the modest clothing that she wears. And I totally agree with that the the modest clothing she does look beautiful, but your husband is turned on by your curves. by the beauty of your body by seeing you, he’s extremely visual, he loves that visual feast that you can offer him through your body. And so when you’re under, when you’re believing the lies of the enemy, that you’re not sexy, or you’re not as beautiful as that woman over there, you kind of crumpled up inside. And you don’t want to show your body like, what’s the point, I’m not as good as her, I don’t look like that. And so, as a woman, to give a little bit of clarity here, as a woman, your job is to discipline your mind, and to discipline your heart, not to compare yourself not to say that, because there’s this person or this body type that that, you know, world says is beautiful. And I don’t measure up, that I’m not beautiful, or I’m not created with enough worthiness to present it to my husband. That is a complete lie from the enemy. And that divides you and your husband. And it’s what I was, I mean, that was my sin was not disciplining my mind. Here’s a practical way of changing that. I talk about it all the time. affirmations, let me change my wording a little bit, because I think people get confused on what affirmations are. What I mean, when I say affirmations, I mean, Faith statements, statements and faith, that are saying what you want to believe about yourself, wherever in your life, you need to believe something, you need a new belief, start saying faith statements in that direction. Now, I’ve used these for years. And I think whenever any of us as women struggle in this area, and I gotta tell you, we all go through seasons of life, I think every woman on earth goes through seasons of life, where they are insecure about their body, because our bodies are always changing, whether it’s just because of age, which catches up to all of us, because of pregnancies because of stressful seasons, transitions, you know, all sorts of things, affects the way we look in our bodies. And so we need faith statements that are going to keep us grounded, and in God’s truth that He made us he made our curves, he made our skin he made our skin color. He made its beauty He made our ReSSA he made the sensitivities, he made every part that’s so glorious, and beautiful. And even if we have abused our body, you know, maybe we’ve abused it just because of the pain we’ve gone through. Not not because we’re, you know, gross, bad, any of that kind of nonsense. That’s from the enemy. Once again, that’s a lie. But if we haven’t honored our body, maybe in the ways that we feel that we should have. Now it’s time to change our face statements to say, I love my body. I love the way God has made it. I love where it is right now. I love that I get to love my husband, and give him a visual feast with my body. I love that this is the body God has given me. I love that there’s a reason I have all of these wonderful, peculiar peculiarities. Not sure if I’m pronouncing that accurately peculiarities. Excuse me. He designed it this way. He is the reason you are his masterpiece. So when you have those face statements at the ready, and you just start saying those out loud, right when the enemy wants to

24:10
bring the nap the badness, that you’re saying that you’re judging yourself as bad. Right when the enemy’s trying to bring that to you. When you have those face statements that that shock you right out of it. You say those faith statements out loud. And I tell you, I use this. I use this before I come to seduce my husband. But there were still stretches of time where I wasn’t doing this on my daily routines. And it was affecting me already. Just in that short amount of time because of different transitions because of different changes that were going on in different areas of my life. And it was affecting the way I presented myself in our intimacy So, in sharing that with the husband, what was important for him to understand was that his wife’s insecurity is what causes her to separate herself from him. But that makes him feel unloved. So when I talked to my husband, and he said, Honey, you’re so hot, please seduce me. First of all, it wasn’t because I wasn’t seducing him. He’s saying that because he’s like, don’t stop. But that’s what men, they feel loved. When you do that for them, they, those visuals, they keep that with them, they hold on to that it shows them that you love them. When you initiate with such generosity, and you give them those lap dances and seduction, teases and stripteases and all those things. As a wife, that is what he holds on to when he feels tempted, or there’s some stupid advertisement that flashes across the television screen or he walks down the street, and someone’s got some ridiculous thing on like, you can’t avoid temptation in our lives today. But you as a wife, you can be the memories that he draws to mind of, oh my gosh, my wife is so hot. And a hot woman is a woman that presents herself as hot, a woman that presents herself with confidence. And you know, it’s interesting, I was thinking about this just last night. It’s not whether or not you have confidence, it’s whether or not you have insecurity. I think that’s a better framing. Because underneath insecurity is confidence. Think about when you know someone’s insecure, it’s so easy to point out someone who’s insecure. You know, think about when you’re watching some something live, for example, and you just see the insecurity, you know, maybe the hands are, are completely at their side, they have no hand gestures. I kind of think that their hands or their arms kind of look like limp fish. Like they just don’t have any expression with their arms, their hands. Maybe there’s just lack of expression, all over their body, they’re not willing to kind of use their extremities at all. They’re not really willing to move around. I mean, think about really visualize. What is insecurity? You know, usually the shoulders are slumped, you don’t you make eye contact with the audience, or with whomever you’re speaking with. Like, when somebody has insecurity. What does that look like? Now, think about if they were to just take off the insecurity. Just take it off like a coat and hang it up and put it somewhere else until the next time you want to pick it up. What if you were to take off your insecurity. And you were to perk up, and you were to smile. And you were to use your hands the way you normally would if you were comfortable?

28:48
What if you were to just take off your insecurity in front of your husband. Just take it off, just like you were by yourself. Do you have insecurity by yourself? Why do you have it around your husband? He wants to see you. Just you without that insecure coat draped on you. That doesn’t make you safer? It doesn’t make you look better. It’s not making you be a better lover. Why do you carry that insecurity coat? It doesn’t make your body look better. It doesn’t make your demeanor better doesn’t make you sexy or what? What’s the point? Why are you carrying that around? I really do feel it’s the opposite of grabbing confidence. You don’t have to wiggle your way into a confident dress. All you need to do is take off the coat of insecurity and walk into the room without it. And oh my gosh girlfriend you are hot. When you take off that coat of insecurity. It does No matter what you’re wearing, you’re hot when you don’t have that insecurity and you can seduce your husband, with all the joy and freedom without that coat of insecurity. So why isn’t she seducing you, even though she wants all of your attention is because she feels insecure? And what can you do as a wife to become the more confident free you take off your coat of insecurity, and have faith statements ready, that you say out loud with enthusiasm in the bathroom, before you come out to seduce him. Say it when you’re on your walk in the mornings. That’s when I say my faith statements, and really be able to give yourself entirely to your husband in visual feasts. That’s what he craves. That’s what He desires. And as a husband, how can you help her is that you can comment on her beauty all the time, there is no restriction on how many compliments you can give your wife, I usually say give your wife, three compliments a day, give your husband three compliments a day, whether it’s on her beauty, whether it’s on her personality, whether it’s on non sexual aspects of her body, which I really encourage you to give her compliments on as well. But definitely encourage her beauty so that she begins to see herself through your eyes. Because that’s how we see each other. We see ourselves through our spouse’s eyes. So often, that’s why coordinate marriages are so detrimental to each person is because we have we have a self conception that is created by the person, or it’s reinforced, reinforced and created by the person that’s reflecting our lives back to us, the person that’s closest to us, and that is our closest human relationship, which is our spouse. So next, I want to talk about the fact that the enemy wants to distract you through body image issues. So we get so tied up and obsessed with body image, that it keeps us from doing God’s will.

32:56
This is the sin I was committing. Not just the sin of separating myself from my husband, but separate, separating myself from God’s will, and what he wants me to do. Because every time we think negatively about our body, and think about how we can solve it, and what diet to go on and, and how we can, you know, make our our body look differently, or change our makeup to look this way or that way, or all of the intimate knowledge that you know, that you don’t like about your physique or your physicality, and the way that you’re obsessing to change it when we do that, when I do that, I feel like we’re actually sinning. Because we’re separating ourselves from God, and what he wants and how He wants us to view and look at the world and perceive and to do His work. Because think about it. You have finite resources. And I don’t just mean money, money, yes. But I mean the mind space, your emotional capacity, the capacity of your thoughts, your conscious thoughts, even your unconscious thoughts, the ways that you get defocused from what matters? Like what if the amount of time you have spent dieting? Let me let me direct it myself because maybe dieting is not something that you’ve ever had to deal with. But the amount of time I have invested in dieting, watching videos about you know eating in ways that will affect you know, weight loss or just dieting programs or reading books about certain ways of eating or telling other people or doing accountability programs or in that kind of stuff. Oh my gosh, I could have had another full time ministry. I mean, over the years, it has been wild. And by God’s grace, I’ve been pretty free from it for the last couple of years, I did a body series a couple of years ago, you can go back and listen to that. And that’s when I started my journey on freedom from food and freedom in body image. But, or that was around the time that I had started, I guess, when I had started to get some, you know, a lot of freedom from it actually. And I think just the way, life is, when you have kind of a proclivity towards something, you have to just keep at that thing you have to keep, you have to recognize that the enemy wants to get you at that particular point of sin. And so you just have to be vigilant, and this is kind of something that for me, I just have to continue to be vigilant against, to not let myself sink into a comparison mode into a competitive mode into a, I need to look the best I need to be the sexiest I need to, you know, catch other people’s eye outside of my husband, I mean, there’s just this, this zone that my head gets into, and kind of this vicious cycle of judgment and get I mean, that all of that stuff is against what God wants me to be about. And it also is counterproductive towards what a healthy body type would actually be. Because if I was so busy, and focused on God’s will and His work and the, you know, the beautiful life, he has not not that I’m, you know, so busy that I don’t actually enjoy his life, but where my focus is actually should be, then I could have then then I could have so much more effect in the kingdom of God. Because I’m not distracted and obsessed with what God?

37:13
Yeah, what separates me from God, which is this obsession with body image? So all that to say, I want you to challenge yourself, Where are you, my dear wife? obsessing? Where’s there an obsession for you, that separating you from God. And it’s probably separating you from your husband to maybe it’s an obsession with perfection on social media, maybe you’re so busy crafting, you know, beautiful pictures, or, you know, amazing shots of photography, or all these kinds of things to post on Pinterest, and Facebook and Instagram or whatever, that you’re not making love to your husband, because you’re so busy maintaining a perfect perception, or brand image that, that you’re not making love several times a week. And he feels like, then he’s not able to function in his most effectiveness through the in the kingdom of God either. But this is also something for men as well. Just another example. Of course, these are both cliched stereotypical examples, and they both can switch either of them, but maybe as a man. You know, you’re obsessed with your business and in your career, and you’re you know, and you don’t do the emotional work of being patient and kind and loving, which are the things that turn your wife on, and are the things that God wants you to do. And so that’s actually separating you from your wife and separating you also from God. So, you know, turn Yes, yes, I’m kind of being vulnerable and sharing with you my struggles, but where’s the microscope or where’s the magnifying glass on your heart and, and what you’re not allowing to be exposed? Because I started this conversation with sharing with you, after my husband and I made love. We were able to connect on such a deep level to expose what the enemy wanted, covered up, because it was separating me from not only my husband, but also from God and doing His work and being vulnerable with you and doing more effective ministry, in my work with you and with all my clients. But I hope that this has been insightful I hope that you, yourself are are just kind of racking your brain how is this applicable to my own life? My own heart, how can I move closer to Jesus and closer to my spouse, and whomever is listening I want to encourage you to take the next step. I would love to invite you on this webinar. It’s a free webinar, you can talk to me personally on this webinar, in terms of, you know, the there’ll be many others on the on the line, but I’ll have a time of question answers. If there’s a question that you’re like, how do I, you know, what is the block here? Or why does she do this or whatever? I’ll be answering questions. So I’m really excited about that. I love doing live webinars, I haven’t in probably over a year in so I’d love to invite you on that. Awesome. Let me pray for you, Father, God, whoever is on the other end of this microphone, whether it be husband or wife, wherever they are in their marriage, whether it’s just interesting, they’re, they’re on this call because they’re, they’re interested in hearing more, or if they’re listening because they’re desperate for answers to desperate to turn things around. Father God, I asked for the grace to hear what they needed to hear to take out the nuggets that they needed, Father that you would inspire in them. Change inspiring them something that would truly turn them around, Father God, and really let this podcast this even day, this specific moment, be a catalyst for them to change their marriage. Father God, give them hope. You are living hope. I love you. Amen. Again, if you are going to sign up for the webinar, I hope that you will do so very soon. www dot delight your marriage.com/seven blocks. So that’s the number seven B lock s and that means that I’ll be talking about the seven blocks to her libido. Awesome. God bless you and I will talk to you very soon.

42:16
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it. Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion

210-Should you tell her about your past sex life?

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Do you want unity in your marriage? Do you want her to feel safe to be utterly vulnerable and literally naked before you? Then it is NOT helpful for her to know your past sex life.

You probably have forgotten plenty of your past, but once you’ve told her it will stay with her for years–even decades.

Whatever sexual sin you’ve had before (or even the porn you’ve done while) is sin. It’s your job as a man to discipline your mind, and your actions to be faithful to her. But if you’re making her your “accountability partner” it’s like saying: “honey, I’m trying not to look at other women, imagine them naked and pretend having sex with them”. That will hurt her. Get your act together sir, get to a church, get vulnerable with someone–don’t do this in isolation but don’t load your dirty laundry on her. Because this will make it HARDER for her to make love (and of course that’s what would actually HELP you avoid the temptations anyway).

So, whether you think you’re just “being honest” you do not need to be unwise with your words. Words start forest fires. I speak to women daily about how unloved and ugly they feel because their husband struggles with porn. Women have constant insecurities all around sex. Your job as a man? Gratitude for EVERYTHING she is and does around sex. Tell her and show her how extremely grateful and gratifying her sexuality is to you.

And recognize you don’t and shouldn’t be a victim to your sexual cravings. And I am working with men to change these dynamics in their marriages and have already had incredible results:

-Women are now initiating “I can’t remember the last time”.

-“We made love 2 times this week and it was ‘making love’ not just duty sex”.

-A man separated from his wife shared that they’ve now had several sexual encounters.

SO! If you want to know next steps with me, if you’re a man, I’m opening my Clarity Calls now to you. You can book one here: www.dym.as.me This is a $500 value and I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be doing these, so I encourage you to book very soon.

transcript

0:19
Hey there, welcome back. This is belah rose. I hope everything’s going well, today for you, I so appreciate you joining me. I don’t know what you’re up to. But I can just imagine you are driving your car commuting to work. Maybe you’re picking up the kids or not know doing laundry, and there’s so many things. But thank you for choosing to make me part of your day. I want to talk about our sexual past, all of us have sexual pasts. And I want to talk about what should be shared with your spouse and what should not and why. Awesome. So my name is belah rose, I by God’s grace have been given great opportunity to share with the world really sexual education and insights from what I believe is the way God wants us to look at sexuality in our marriages. And what I have an offer for you right now is an actual free clarity call with me which at this point I am doing for free, though it is a $500 value. So I would really encourage you to go to schedule with me www.dy M dot A s dot M E. And I do encourage you to go ahead and do that as soon as you can. Like I said, I’m really not sure how long I’m going to be able to offer this, my schedule is tightening up over and over and over again. So I encourage you to go there as soon as you can. So let me go ahead and get started on this wonderful topic.

2:24
Alright, so first off, I want to talk to you about the power of words. The Bible says a lot about words. If you’re familiar with James at all, I encourage you to go back and read it. It is so in correcting I think is probably the best word about words. It says that words can actually start a wildfire. Let me let me just read a few passages. It’s James three especially. It says and the tongue is a fire a world of an righteousness. The tongue is set among our members staining the whole body setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird of or reptile and sea creature can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind. But no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God from the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers these things ought not be so does a spring pour forth from the same opening. both fresh and saltwater. Can a fig tree my brother’s there all lives are a great fine produce fix. Neither can assault Pon yield freshwater I think I’ll continue here 313 who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false in to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above but as earthly unspiritual demonic for where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every kind of vile practice. This is my favorite but the vism the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere and a heart harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. It’s pretty powerful to consider how important the words that we speak are. Sadly, I think so many people in marriages, they might take these kinds of verses seriously, outside of their marriage. But inside of their marriage, they act like it doesn’t apply. I find it so strange. You know, why can you treat your spouse? poorly? Why can you speak curses over your spouse? And feel like there’s no problem with your character? I mean, God specifically says wisdom from above is first of all pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy, and good fruits and impartial and sincere. Is that what arguments sound like in your household? Is that what the interactions between you and your spouse sound like? Why in the world? Do we cross over all of our standards of character and our standards of decorum? Because we happen to be married to that person? I think this is really important because I think what we do as married couples a lot of times is we think that our character ends up the door once we enter our house, it doesn’t matter that much than when we leave the house, okay, we, we step back into our person in front of Jesus, but while we’re in the midst or in the presence of our spouse, it doesn’t matter. I think that is dead wrong. When you think it’s okay to gossip with your spouse.

7:08
That is not okay, that is not godly, gossip anywhere, anytime, is not godly, judging. Right, it says, Judge not lest ye be judged as the same measure that you judge others, you too will be judged. So if you’re judging others, speaking it even just in the confines of your marriage, you’re still judging. You’re still who you are before your spouse is who you are. That is your closest human relationships. So if you are having a temper, if you are speaking

7:59
impatiently, if you have a, you know, cursing, if there’s a lot of discord in your marriage, if there strife is there, backbiting is there not being open to reason in your marriage? That is who you are before God. Don’t think these are two different things. They are the same thing. Just because you’re married and you became one flesh. When you became one when you got married, that doesn’t mean that who you are before Jesus has changed? I don’t believe I think there’s this really silly notion about how there’s no secrets between couples. And people mean that to say that everything you tell one spouse should be told to the other, or the expectation that one spouse is going to tell the other every single detail. I don’t think that’s right. I think that I don’t care. When people say, Oh, I’m just being honest. Oh, I have to be honest with them. I have to be honest with my spouse. And you know what? No, there are many, many, many things in your heart because the heart is exceedingly dark. We know that from the Bible to many, many, you know, opinions and thoughts that just run across your mind. That should never be shared with anyone, much less the one you hold the most in esteem and the one you care about the most you love the most the one that you want to honor and protect the most. That’s what I keep talking to my my clients about, you know, especially for men. Their role is to protect their wife to protect her heart. Why would you why would you do her in the sword against your spouse. It’s absolutely the opposite. That’s tearing down your marriage. And your wives the same thing. Why would you tear down your husband, it affects him. It affects who he is, as a man, when you tell him negative things about himself, when you accuse him, he, he says, you know him the best. And so if you’re tearing him down, that’s how he believes. That’s what he believes about himself. But I’m just being honest. I’m just being honest. No, you don’t need to be open about everything. You should not be open about the negative things about your spouse, you need to pray long and hard about speaking things over your spouse that’s going to hurt them. And if you just take a moment to consider, ask the question, is this going to hurt my spouse? Is this going to hurt them? Sometimes hurting? Isn’t it bad? But is this going to harm them? Is this an unnecessarily wound I am inflicting? Or is it the truth that must be shared? So here’s another verse that I want to share is in Proverbs 12. Proverbs is my favorite book, and I encourage you to read it. If it’s been a while since you’ve read it. There are just so many truths in there that I mean. I feel like every other verses underlying proverbs 1222 lying lips are an abomination to the Lord. But those who act faithfully are his delight. The next verse says, A prudent man conceals knowledge. But the heart of fools proclaims folly. So the first verse says, lying lips is an abomination to the Lord. The next verse, a prudent man conceals folly, or conceals knowledge. So God’s not saying, Go out and lie. That’s not the answer. Tell the truth. But be wise and conceal knowledge. Does that make sense? You can be a man and woman of truth of God’s truth. But you don’t have to share it all the time.

12:56
Just because you have a truth or something you think is a truth in your marriage? It doesn’t mean you need to share it with your spouse, maybe they do lack confidence. Is it going to help them to say you’re not confident? No, it’s not going to help them. What you can focus on and what you can share are the areas that they are phenomenal in with confidence. So that that starts to permeate other areas of their marriage and of their life, you can start to share. Wow, I loved how you, you know, spoke in that meeting, about your convictions. It reminded me of what a confident woman you are. Who I loved how you stepped up to coach the the Little League baseball team. It just reminded me of how sexy arts you are to take charge of situations when they need to be when there needs to be a leader. Yeah, maybe he’s not the confident man that you feel like you fell in love with but goodness, you need to start helping him have greater confidence is going to grow. It’s going to grow. Be careful with your words. And this all ties into your sex life, all of it. Men and women have this horrible, horrible assumption that your wife needs to know about your sexual past. Horrible If wife and I’ve worked with women like this. She learns about her husband’s sexual past maybe early in their marriage, and it plagues her for decades. decades. She cannot get over it. Because in the back of her mind, she’s thinking is he imagining me or is he comparing me with her? Or all that pornography? Is he imagining that rather than me? You know, there’s a lot of insecurities around that. A lot. That’s the way I think women are wired. You know, it’s not a, you know, as a woman, as someone who has been told, over and over and over again by men, you know, how do you get inside my head, it’s amazing how you understand us better than I understand myself. Like, these are the kinds of things I constantly am emailed from men and yet my own heart has to has to deal with this myself, of how sad it is that my own spouse has had so much sexual history prior to me, it’s very hard to keep your your mind discipline disciplined to believe that he’s not imagining anyone else, he’s not comparing you to anyone else. They you have to keep your confidence about your body, you have to discipline your mind to be confident, you have to discipline your mind to feel your sexy. That’s a discipline for us women. So do not tell your wife about your previous sexual experiences. You as a husband need to discipline your mind. And we as wives have to believe that that’s what you’ve done. But if you share those things with her, that just adds to her burden of discipline that she has to walk in this life with. Instead of wondering, you know, is he thinking about her is he thinking about those experiences that he’s viewed, even if he hasn’t, quote, had them, pornography for a woman feels like he’s had those experiences, because he’s witnessed them. It doesn’t feel like some fake intangible thing, it feels very visceral to her. So I would encourage you, just as a man needs to be extremely careful with his mind. Don’t share those things with your wife. Anything that’s gonna make her concerned that you’re comparing her with anyone else. Don’t share those things with her. Your past. If you’re struggling with your mind, things where you’re comparing if you’re struggling with addiction to pornography, if you’re struggling with

17:44
Yeah, considering affairs, any of that you need to take to share it, but not necessarily with your wife. You need to be considering talking to a pastor talking to a mentor talking to a spiritual man who can be accountable with you who can guide you in that. But heaping all those coals on your wife, I don’t think is, is as helpful.

18:12
Your tongue may start a wildfire of hurt in her heart. And along those lines, what dear women dear wife, do not ask your husband, about his his discipline, how he’s doing with those things. If he’s quote, honest, it may very well hurt you a lot. Because we as women don’t understand the male mind. They have a lot of stuff going on in there. There’s a lot of temptation that they have to walk through every single day.

18:59
Every single day, he has to discipline his mind, not to look at the things that naturally he’s drawn to, not to imagine the things that are so very, even geographically close to him because of, you know, someone who walks by in a miniskirt or an advertisement that pops up on the screen. You know, he really has to work hard at this. And dear wife, if you are obsessed with trying to figure out what he’s thinking, it’s going to really blow up in your face. Don’t have this idle curiosity of what’s going on in his mind. Just trust that he’s doing the best he can. He loves you. He loves your body, and it’s your job, to love your own body and to present it to him in a very confident, sexy way. And that’s the most and everything that you should do. You should not be asking him about his sexual past. You should not be asking him about how he’s guarding your heart. Or if that woman was attractive to him, or you know how he felt about the waitress, or these kinds of things are not going to help you. Don’t do that. Don’t do that. You want to guard your heart, you want to guard your own thoughts. And you want to be the attractive woman to him. And you want to present yourself that way. So you want as a wife, to guard your own thoughts and speak truth over you and blessings over you. That God created you sexy, attractive, that your husband loves your curves. You know, I talk about faith statements a lot, get some faith statements, that you speak over yourself, and you speak over your body, and you speak in the mirror about how beautiful you are, and how much your body turns your husband on. That’s what you need to be talking to yourself about. Don’t talk to yourself about the lies that the enemy wants, those are lies from hell. That’s going to what that’s what’s going to separate you to. Instead, you want it to be the truth of God’s word that he made you that he made you beautiful, that he loves the way you look, that he designed every aspect of your body. And sure, maybe your body doesn’t look the way that it looked 20 years ago, when you and your husband got married. But honoring and loving your body now is the most you can do. It’s the most you can do, it’s the best you can do. Don’t give up on your body. It hasn’t given up on you think about all the people that are on on the you know, in the hospital bed, about to about to perish. Oh, what they would give to trance to trade bodies with you. Don’t disregard your own body because you’re comparing it to someone on the screen. It’s a waste of everything. I found myself doing that recently, to be vulnerable with you to share.

22:24
I found myself doing that recently. I was I’m excited the the movies, all the Avengers movies, you know, all those action movies I like. So they’re coming out with the next one end game. Right. So I, you know, let myself kind of check out some YouTube videos of interviews of some of the cast members of what’s coming, and what are some of the things to look out for and all that stuff. And I found myself just getting into this spot of comparison, you know, because of course, all the women are wearing skimpy clothes. And it just turned into this, this place of like, Whoa, that was fast. That and turned into a comparison game in no time flat. So I just encourage you, you know, depending on how sensitive you are to those things, I’m extremely sensitive to them, I have to be very careful about what I watch and have have to be very careful about what I listen to. I think some people are quite as sensitive as I am. So I don’t want to give a sweeping statement that those are things you can’t look at or whatever. But for me, it’s not healthy, it’s not good. It doesn’t make me want to seduce my husband to a greater degree because I saw these other sexy women, instead of makes me want to hide makes me want to freeze. So I just encourage you don’t let your mind go there. Don’t let you speak those evil things over yourself over your own body over your own sexiness. You have to have trust and faith and discipline that God gave you an amazing, amazing body and he did. And he did you work that thing, honey? Wow, he did. And your husband married you. He loves your body. And the more you’re confident about your own body, the more he’s going to love it. You don’t need to share with him your insecurities. Share that with a girlfriend. You can share it with her. Be like I’m feeling pretty fat today. Or I’m feeling like I don’t have enough of this aspect of my body or whatever. Your husband’s not looking at that. He’s excited about all the things you do have and what you do have in your body. Maybe you’re especially voluptuous because of a bit of extra weight on you since you’ve been married or something so great. You can absolutely accentuate that. In the bedroom, when you’re giving a striptease, you can be very specific about these areas of your body that have become fuller. Recently, let’s say, don’t use that as an excuse or a way that the enemy can get between you and your husband. Use it as an opportunity to grow you all closer. Wonderful. So just running back to this idea of words. You know, we’re supposed to love the Lord our God with all of our heart, with all of our mind with all of our strength. And then love our neighbor as ourselves. So when you think about priorities in life, I talked about this a lot. But it’s key, it’s key to be thinking, trying to just put life in a little, little bit of simpler terms, right? Loving God with everything. That’s the first and foremost, that’s the greatest commandment. Is your life looking like that? That you love God with everything? With all with all with all with all? I mean, just by saying it, I feel convicted. How can I love my, my, my husband? Now? That’s not it? How do I love my god? With all? He is God? He is all How am I loving Him with all? I invite you to think about that. What are you loving with all? You know, we have finite resources in this life. It’s not just finite time. It’s not just finite money. It’s not just finite, you know, whatever else resources, but it’s also a finite affection. I don’t think you can love everyone. All the time. But God is a God that requires that affection, loving Him with all.

27:19
And the next thing is to love your neighbor as yourself. And here it makes it a little bit easier, right? Because now you can prioritize who’s your neighbor? Well, the first one is your spouse, if that’s what you committed to for the rest of your life. The next one is your kids. You know, because a good marriage supports raising children. But it has to be in that order. We talked about that in a lot of other podcasts, but your marriage, then your kids. Then your ministry, you know who whose God calling you to minister to. And you know, sometimes that’s people at your work. But a lot of times that’s not a lot of times that’s friends that seemed to be the quote takers in your life. But maybe those are just people you’re supposed to be ministering to. And they shouldn’t be in the taker category. They should be in the category of people I’m supposed to love right now that they need help in this season, I’m supposed to be the one to help them or love them. So it’s your ministry, then it’s your work, right? Bring in finances into, into the family. So the problem is, is when you get those priorities in your life mixed up? Well, then it’s, you’ve got a lot of problems because then you got if you don’t have if you have problems in your marriage, well then it messes up your ability to be a good parents. And it messes up your ability to do well in your ministry. And it messes up your ability to do well with your finances, all those things get messed up if your marriage is in shambles. So what I always encourage, obviously, through this, my ministry is to get your marriage in the right space, so that everything else can fall on top of that, or can fall in place. But consider just consider for a moment if your God is above your marriage. I love what Francis Chan says. He says, if if priorities shifted. Let’s say you were supposed to love your spouse, and then love God.

29:38
would your life change at all? Does that make sense? Are you loving your spouse as though they were God?

29:55
Because your spouse isn’t God. And just because you were meant For 30 years, and it’s a happy marriage that does not guarantee that God is going to be thrilled about the ministry you lead during your life or the way you loved him, or when you look at him at the end of the age that he knew you, right, because that’s what it’s all about is knowing God in this life. And I say this a lot is that it’s all about knowing Jesus in the context of our marriage. Marriage teaches us more about KNOWING JESUS, but don’t let it replace KNOWING JESUS. Knowing Jesus is first and foremost. What does this have to do about words? What does this have to do about your sex life? What does this have to do about marriage? A lot. Because of your sharing things with your spouse, because you think they should know everything or they should be, you know, one with your heart, your heart belongs to Jesus, your oneness belongs to God, your all of your heart belongs to Jesus. So you should be talking to him about all those things on your heart. You should be spending those those those words with God. Your days should start with your with your conversations with God, they should end with your conversations with a god you should have mid time, to at times, in conversations with God, there should be prayers with God, there should be times of just enjoyment and rest and relaxation with God. You don’t have to fill your life with what our society says you have to fill your life with. Keep God as the first of all. And so reading the Bible, reading His word, helping you to be more in line and more. Loving God with everything. That’s what’s gonna matter in this world. That’s what’s gonna matter at the end of the age. After all of that beautiful, wonderful love you have with God. That’s when your marriage comes in. And that’s when your kids and that’s when your ministry and that’s where your finances, that’s when all the other stuff.

32:34
But God is first. And so when you want to talk about anything, talk to God.

32:42
When you have trouble with your words, talk to God. When you have difficulties with hit with things, talk to God. This is not to separate you from your spouse, but it is to honor your relationship with God first and foremost. And to recognize that your spouse should not be your God. I find that a lot of people by God’s grace, you know, they listen to my podcast, but they also listen to a lot of other marriage podcasts, they read a lot of marriage books, and they, you know, they just this is an interest for them. Maybe because they’re struggling with marriage, but also maybe they’re just interested in this stuff. Super cool. Really good, all good stuff. But I want to challenge you Is marriage, your God is that fulfillment, the thing that you’re hoping is going to make you complete or make you ultimately able to feel fulfilled in this life. Because no matter how great your marriage is, and you know, by God’s grace, I have a 10 out of 10 kind of marriage. It doesn’t matter how great it is. Your relationship with God is first it has to be first. It has to be first. Now just because your relationship with God is first doesn’t guarantee you to have a great marriage. I’ll tell you that. There’s a lot of wisdom that goes on after that. There’s a lot of discipline, there’s a lot of necessary practice and by God’s grace, that’s my ministry. That’s the work I do. But don’t let yourself think that because something’s on your heart, it needs to go straight to your spouse. That might not be something that God wants you to share. It might end up hurting your spouse. There might be other ways there might be other things that God’s going to show you about whatever’s on your heart, whatever you’re thinking and praying about. There might be others. Are things okay? Making love? Yes becoming one flesh? Yes. Always Yes, that is always a good thing. Keep doing that. Yes. That is what Jesus was talking about when he said, the two shall become one flesh. But he did not say the two shall become one before Jesus or they shall be judged the same way that’s not the case. So I find sometimes women are so seeking that their husbands be the spiritual leader. And that’s such a desire for them. And it’s great, keep praying for your husband, bravo, I encourage that. I really am not. I’m not taking that away from you, but But you are not beholden to how deep your husband is in his faith. You are before Jesus in this life. And the deeper you go with Christ. You know, the more of a witness you are to your husband. The deeper you go in love and becoming more like Jesus is the more of a witness you are to your husband. So do not share what you should not share with your spouse. But instead bring that to God. Alrighty, well, I hope that has been an encouragement to you. I hope it has shown you. Honestly, some errors of your ways. It happens to me a lot when God teaches me something. And I’m just like, well, I did that wrong for a very long time. So I will just encourage you, that it’s his kindness that leads us to repentance. It’s his kindness. Maybe we couldn’t. Maybe we weren’t ready for a truth like this before now. And God has now called you mature enough. He has said, Okay, you are ready for this next truth. And I want to bring you closer, and just consider this. It’s not a it’s not something to condemn you. It’s an invitation to reclose. To grow closer to Jesus, that you are not in this world, you’re not in your situation on your own. You know, just because your husband isn’t everything that you want him to be. It’s, it’s not because he’s a bad husband. It’s not because he’s not

37:36
the man that you want him to be. It’s because he can never fulfill you. That is God’s place in your life. It must be. It must be in life is still going to be hard at times, there’s still going to be challenges. But when the storms come, you will have your house built on the rock. Let me pray for you, Father, God, Lord, I pray in Jesus name. You know, it’s so interesting how this podcast was meant to be all about words, and becomes all about you. Father, it’s so easy to speak about ideals, and speak about even scripture and meditate on it. But God, to live it and to really connect with you. And to really be your son to really be your daughter, to really love you with all I mean, it feels impossible. But God I pray, Lord, for every person that hears my voice all around the world, in their in their places, their homes, their cars, their walking, wherever they are God, I asked for a greater, renewed, rejuvenated sense of a desire to love you deeper and more. God for a picture of eternity God, that when they stand before you they know you, because they have known you in this life. Got that they know you when they get to eternity God that nothing in this life would distract them from that, that they wouldn’t let it they would push those things aside and say yes, Jesus. Yes, God, you are all you are all to me. Lord, that their goal is not to have the most incredible marriage that’s not ultimately what they desire, but it’s God to do Your will. To do Your will in this earth. To love others well, Father and that they would put those priorities in loving people the right way. Their marriage, their kids, their ministry, whatever that is, then their finances on all the rest. God I believe that whatever nuggets the other person on the end of this microphone would would need. I asked God that you would just allow that to to linger in their hearts as they go about their day. God to just start with more conversations with you very easy, simple conversations with just Hey guys. Hey, God, I wanted to connect with you for a moment. I want you to know I love you. And that’s it. That’s all it has to be. They would start with a church family that would give more insight that they would be loved in and they would see what it’s like to grow and community and grow towards Jesus more and more.

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Lord, I love you. Thank you for being so good to us. I pray that you would hold us closer to you in Jesus name, Amen.

41:15
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion

209-Last week…My brother was found without a pulse

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I have been late to get a podcast out to you…for a pretty important reason.

My brother was found on the side of the road without a pulse. I raced to the hospital several states away and arrived when the doctors told us he may be brain dead—we found out they were considering putting him on life-support. No one knew how long he was without blood pumping through his body.

But God. My family reached out to loved ones, Christians, churches, friends, friends of friends all asking for prayer in faith for healing. Standing on the word–by His stripes we are healed, the prayer of faith shall heal you, lay hands on the sick and they shall recover… Standing on His promises of Jesus’ healing. All asking for God’s miraculous intervention.

The story of Lazarus came up OVER and OVER again–my sister was in a play, her paster and my pastor in different states preached on it, a Lazarus song came up 2x, and 2 dreams about Lazarus. We prayed that my brother would be raised like Lazarus.

It’s pretty incredible what happened next. I hope this story blesses you and brings you closer to Jesus and gives you greater faith in His amazing hand in your life. I believe that is what this story is to do. I believe my job is to spread the good news of the miracle-working power of the gospel. I hope you share this story to bring God glory.

But I also pray that if your life looks more like John the Baptist (when you hear the podcast you’ll understand what I mean) I want to give you hope as well. God has not forgotten you, your situation, your loved ones, your name. He has purposes and they are far greater than we can imagine. Your life has purpose even if it looks different than others. He is the Messiah, He does love you, He has purpose and POWER for you and YOUR life.

Love and God bless you.

Belah

transcript

0:20
Hey there and welcome. This is belah rose. I’m so grateful that you’re joining me today. So what I wanted to talk to you about is something that happened in my family this past week. And I think it just is meant to glorify God, over and over and over again, with everyone that hears it. And I think it is absolutely my privilege and opportunity to share this with you. So I’m going to actually share a story with you. My brother, who’s younger than me, has a heart situation, it’s called hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, which means his heart, his heart grows as a muscle, larger than it should. And it grows so much when he exercises that it cuts off the blood inside his heart. So the blood can’t go through in order to pump through the rest. And this happens sometimes to athletes, but no one knows about it until they actually die on the court or on the, you know, field running. And so by God’s grace, when he was just about to start wrestling competitively at high school, you know, he’s getting really good at wrestling, he was about to start the season. And he was doing just a normal physical. And they found that his heartbeat was a little strange. And so they flew him up to children’s children’s hospital immediately to check this thing out, just in case, you know that it was something more. And by God’s grace, they found this issue. And so since then, he hasn’t been allowed to exercise. And he’s been on medication. So anyway, what happened this past week is he just graduated from college, you know, he and his very longtime girlfriend, have just started their lives together. And he got his full time at his job now. And kind of his whole life is ahead of him. And he’s very responsible, young man, just a very bright future, very young. So

2:41
he was running. And I think he had set up a routine for himself to run about a mile every morning. And interestingly enough, he had, like a very specific time that he’d be running. It was like 530 to 545, something like that. And his girlfriend was about to leave for work, and she’s a nurse. And she noticed that he didn’t come home, the time that he usually does before she leaves for work. So she’s just like, Okay, well, maybe he decided to run a little farther than he usually does. And so she got, you know, in her car ready to go, start intended to work. And she noticed there were some ambulances coming her direction. She thought, oh, no, there’s, you know, must be a motorcycle accident or something in our area. My brother was found on the ground, in, you know, on the side of the street, but he was found by a nurse who actually works with my brother’s fiancee. And so the nurse performed CPR. But the nurse found him without a pulse. He didn’t have blood running in his system. And they didn’t know how long he didn’t have blood running through his system, which means oxygen wasn’t getting to all of the places that needed to be, especially, most importantly, the brain. And so when blood doesn’t get to the brain, that concern is what that does to the brains damage. And so when the ambulance came, they also they used those paddles, you know, those electric paddles because it was cardiac arrest. So they use those paddles to then go, and then they put the paddles on his chest and goes clear. And then it, you know, does a huge electric shock to his system. They had to do that four times before his before his heart responded and start to have a beat again. So he ended up being intubated, which means that the tubes were stuck down his throat into his lungs. He was just hooked up to a bunch of other machines. And after arriving in the hospital, they decided he was in such a critical position he needed to go to a much larger hospital, by God’s grace had happened to be the best hospital for his condition in the country, which is then also the world. And so he arrived there. And my mom said, when he was at that first hospital, he wasn’t doing any sort of movement, nothing, his eyes were closed, he, he was cold, there was no science of my brother there at all.

5:31
And someone told my mom that he was sedated. And that was why, but then she found out he wasn’t sedated, he was not sedated and sedated means that medicine is given, so you fall asleep, so that your body can kind of repair itself. And slowly once the body has repaired, then the mind can slowly come back out of sedation, to then check on the brain. But the brain is basically the last thing they are working on in terms of consciousness, just to kind of let the body do the healing it needs to do. So when he did get to the larger hospital, we got a report that he had turned his head a bit and opened his eyes. So that was a huge win for God, because we had no idea. But again, with the with the understanding that he may have been on the ground for minutes, half an hour an hour, we didn’t know how long he had been on the ground without, without a pulse. So when he got to the larger hospital, by God’s grace, a lot of family members were able to, you know, fly in or, you know, I was able to come in as well. And he then was sedated very heavily. And so when I saw him, they actually had him, his body was extremely low temperature, because they wanted him to, I guess that’s a, what they do for the brain is they, in order to preserve it, when they’re concerned about severe brain damage, they make the body really cold. And so he had like a cooling blanket underneath of him and a cooling blanket on top of him that made him so cold. He was in that state with a lot of machines. And, and again, what the doctor told us when I got there, the doctor had just told everyone that he may need months to recover, he may need a year to recover, or he may not recover, which essentially says he may be brain dead. And that was what the family was really facing. By God’s grace. Everyone was reaching out to Christians, churches, people that they knew, asking for prayer, asking for prayers of faith, by God’s grace, I was able to reach out to many friends, my church, asking people to pray for my brother.

8:15
And I just felt this real sense of faith. You know, that God gave me faith, to believe for my brothers complete healing. So I was able to come in immediately and just be that faith, giving my mom’s strength to know that it doesn’t matter what the doctor said, our brothers coming back, your sons coming back, God’s doing this, it’s going to be a miracle, seeing my brother completely lifeless on the bed there and saying, No, God’s got this. And then in the coming hours, we heard that there’s fluid in the lungs, a lot of fluid in the lungs. They’re very concerned about the heart. There might be blockages in the heart. They were concerned about the his kidneys not functioning. At one point they needed to put him on dialysis. And then they were concerned about obviously his brain. And at one point, they were also concerned about his liver as well. So we just continue to pray. And his fiance was able to find an app on his phone. It was bizarre, but he she found an app on his phone that essentially tracked his run. And so the run that he usually takes is part of it goes around a construction zone where there are no people that pass. So it’s a there’s no street so no one would have seen him if he had fallen. And then the fact that he was running next to a street, but it was 530 or 545. In the morning. It was dark. When his fiancee left for work. It was dark. So the fact that anyone found him and found him quickly, was insane. And then And the fact that the person that found him was a nurse and could perform CPR on him, was also just absolutely an act of God. And then my mom, who’s a teacher was actually about to have an interview that morning. And so she wasn’t at her work that would have been an hour away from the hospital that my brother was first transferred to. So she was able to go straight to the hospital right away. She didn’t miss anything. Also, my sister who lives in the same area, her boss, who really isn’t usually a very nice guy was like, Yeah, take off as long as you want. My other sister who’s a teacher, who actually was on a trip far away with her students, but the school actually went ahead and paid for her flight all the way to the hospital. Right there. My brother was, and spring break is the the coming week. So she had completely off my mom had off for the following week, no problem because of spring break as well. My dad easily got off work by God’s grace, I was able to easily be able to share as a family emergency with with all of my clients and with dy M and, and then had essentially everyone, do you I am praying, thank God. So God just made sure Oh, and then my cousin who’s also a strong believer, drove up for hours away to the larger hospital. And she’s a mother. And she has two children of her own, but they were fostering for children. And because of some actually really difficult circumstances, but they had to end the fostering of the two children based on some challenges with social services, sadly, but it must have been God’s plan because she was only had the two children, she was able to find babysitting care for them. So she was able to come up for my brother in the hospital and she is such a gift. You know, I don’t know if if this happens in your family or not. But sadly, in my family, there’s often tension when the whole group comes together, especially if it’s a stressful situation. My parents are divorced. So there’s not harmony in that. So it just makes it very difficult. A lot of times and for my cousin to be there is just a kind, gentle buffer. It was just so important, so helpful in the fact that she was able to be not only present but also such a prayerful force and someone who was able to hold faith for my brother. The whole time was incredible as well. He and She and I could pray together. Not everyone, my family are believers.

12:48
So another thing that was incredible was my sister who lives close to my brother, she is in a play. That is about Lazarus. And her pastor had preached about Lazarus the last two Sundays. And my pastor had preached about Lazarus the previous Sunday. And so I had looked up a childhood song that I used to love by Carmen so in the song Lazarus is talking on testimony nights with the other guys in the Old Testament who have since passed because he’s in heaven talking about what his experience with Jesus was.

13:36
I remember littlest things the things most folks would forget like the simple loving wages call money up with the gravestone rolled away without how voice Jesus started to say it just seemed like yesterday I can hear that man stay in effect is like today I don’t use the weather now what changes. Sickness

14:49
come in So I had actually been dancing to that song in my kitchen on Wednesday. And the whole thing with my brother happened early, early Thursday morning. And so this whole connection about Lazarus caused us to be praying prayers about Lazarus. And then come to find out my aunt’s, this is this is very unusual. And no one told her about the Lazarus connections come to find out Thursday night, and Friday night, my aunt had dreams about Lazarus. So the fact that then she was dreaming about Lazarus was absolutely incredible. I think I started to say that there was an app on his phone that my brother’s fiancee was able to track and figure out exactly what time he fell, and exactly what time he stopped running. Because it stopped moving. Geographically, it stopped moving. And it turned out, they were able to identify that it looks like there was only several minutes that he didn’t have oxygen to him of when, what time the ambulance was called, what time the nurse found him. And really, actually, they can’t figure out who called the ambulance, it seems like there might have been the first person who found him, there was the nurse that was able to perform CPR, at some point very early on, the police found him and also performed CPR, or the police was there something along those lines, and that’s when, you know, the ambulance came. And incredibly, there was a ambulance, I guess, dispatcher or unit or something like that, only five minutes away from where they lived, especially to get those shocks, the ambulance arrived just within six minutes or something like that of being called. So still, I don’t think we know who called the ambulance. But we became aware that the timeframe was much shorter than we had originally thought so incredibly, as God would be so kind, there were different times that my brother, as we’re all there, you know, praying and, and believing for a miracle, there were different moments that his eyes would flicker open. And, you know, I would just talk to Him in faith and just tell him stories. When I first got there, I just told him a bunch of stories and just talk to him and talk to him and talk to him. At that point, he was heavily sedated. So there was no way for him to be able to respond, but he just to share these stories and share that we’re all praying for him. And, you know, I know God’s gonna heal every part of his body. But throughout these, you know, moments as like, slowly, his eyes would flicker open, maybe at one point, all the doctors came in, and we asked a lot of questions and, and then they left and he had a doctor for basically every part of his body that was at issue, and I just listed them off. So we had a doctor for each one specialist by God’s grace. So then I went over to my brother and I was like, the doctor say, you’re doing great, I’m so proud of you. Thank you so much for what you’re doing. You’re, you’re doing awesome. And he looked at me and with his eyes. I could tell he was and just barely, he was able to maybe shift his mouth a bit. But I could tell he said thank you, you know, with his eyes, you know, when someone’s gonna say that. And though that was that was a huge gift to see that, that he had done that later in the days that followed I maybe it was the following day, he opened his eyes and, and started looking around the room and was able to see the different faces of the people that were there. And at one point, his boss actually came to visit and and that was I think the second day he was there, I think and his boss and a really low voice just came over to start talking to him and my brother’s eyes, like flashed open right away. And you could tell he he knew who he’s talking to. It was like, Oh my gosh, my boss is here. Like, oh, darn it, you know that kind of face. And then he another time my brother, you know, but this is like between all this stuff in my brother’s mouth like tubes and tubes. You know, one going down his nose for his to make sure he was getting sustenance in his belly. There was a tube in his neck that I saw them. It’s like it was like a

20:02
half a foot long at least. But it went straight from his neck right into his heart, I guess to monitor things. Anyway, he went for a procedure, but we’re right before this procedure, my mom said some things, kissed him on the, like, kissed her hand and put her hand on his forehead. And then he looked up to her at her right in the eyes, and winked. And it was just like, Yes, he is in there, by God’s grace, He is in there. And so they went, and they, you know, wheeled him to the procedure to check for blockages in his heart. Now, since he was, I don’t know, 16, when they found this condition, he had been told he should probably get a shunt in there, which essentially is this thing that goes in kind of like a tube, almost like a straw, and it expands to keep the heart open. So that they don’t have to be concerned that the heart is gonna stop, block the flow. But the problem with shunts is sometimes they collapse. So it’s actually can be dangerous. And you know, those doctors reviewed his whole heart and everything that was going on. And they decided that he didn’t even need a shunt. So they decided to retract that suggestion, he didn’t need it. So they didn’t put anything in it. So God has been incredibly, incredibly gracious, so much of his body wasn’t working. And over the course of 80 hours, he was able to get off every single tube. And within one single week of going into the hospital, where he was found on the side of the road without a pulse. One week later, he walked out of the hospital, fully with all of his long term memory, all of his short term memory, no single hindrance, not even one. He has a defibrillator now in his side that makes sure that if ever his heart were to stop again, it would shock automatically, so his heart would start again. But that’s the only thing. So right now he’s at home, getting strength back and the soreness in his chest. He didn’t even have any broken ribs from the 13 minutes that CPR was going on. God has been absolutely incredible, that my son wanted to say something

22:39
I begged for.

22:47
So I actually have recorded this podcast in two parts, because I had a meeting directly after I was recording the first part. So it’s kind of, well, it’s actually incredibly amazing that since then, I actually randomly opened my Bible this morning. And the first thing my eyes landed on, was Luke 711. And it’s the story of Jesus raising a widow’s son, I’m going to read it to you. Soon afterward, he went to a town called Nain. And his disciples and a great cloud crowd went with him. As he drew near to the gate of town, behold, a man who had died, was being carried out, the only son of his mother, and she was a widow, and a considerable crowd from the town was with her. And when the Lord saw her, he had compassion on her and said to her, Do not weep. Then he came up and touched the beat, bear, and the bears stood still. And he said, Young man, I say to you, arise. And the dead man sat up, and began to speak. And Jesus gave him to his mother. Fear sees them all. And they glorified God, saying, A great prophet has risen among us, and God has visited his people. And this report about Him spread through the whole of Judea, and all their surrounding country.

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So I feel as though this story needs to spread, and that’s why I’m sharing it with you because I believe that God wanted you to hear it. I don’t know what you need faith for. I don’t know if it’s for yourself. I don’t know if it’s for your family. I don’t know if it’s for a friend. But I believe that God wants you to have greater faith today. Jesus walked on this earth, and He cared about human bodies. He cared about the health of human beings, bodies, and that matters. But he also says even the sparrow doesn’t fall from the tree without him knowing it. How much more does he know and care about you? You know, when I was talking to my mom, and during all of this happening, she was almost warning me because of some relatives who were also at the hospital with all of us, who had lost someone recently, within the last couple years, and she was almost warning me to be careful around, you know, my prayers, because they, you know, they’ve lost someone. And, you know, I was like, Mom, I went to a funeral four weeks ago. And this was for a man whose wife’s whose wife I love dearly. And we prayed for him together in Jesus name. And God had coincidences all around that like, for example, when I went to a San Diego, a conference in San Diego, I met a woman who was from Hawaii. And when she found out I was from New York, she said, Oh, my husband’s actually in New York right now. But it’s kind of sad, because he’s visiting a friend with cancer. And I said, Oh, it’s just, and we kept going with the conversation. But I was like, I’m sorry, this is just on my my heart right now. But I’m curious what the name is of your friend that he’s visiting. And he said, the name of the man who was married to my friend. And it was just so shocking to hear that God made sure that we were in that spot together. And she’s kind of a relapsed Christian, or I don’t know if that’s the right word, like she grew up in a Methodist church, but she hasn’t gone in years. And her husband is definitely not a believer. And you know, I took the risk of asking her to pray. And we prayed together in faith, believing for his healing. And you know what God decided this wasn’t, this wasn’t what happened. He didn’t. He wasn’t healed. And he left a grieving wife and two daughters, two young girls, five and seven, I think, behind and heartbreaking really, really heartbreaking. But let me tell you something I continued on in this Bible passage this morning. And it says that directly after Jesus heals someone from the dead, the disciples of John reported all these things to John, and John, calling two of his disciples to him, sent them to the Lord saying, Are you the one who is to come? Or shall we look for another? And when the men had come to him, they said, John the Baptist has sent us to you, saying, Are you the one who is to come? Or shall we look for another? And in that hour, he healed many people of diseases, and plagues and evil spirits, and on many who were blind, he bestowed sight. And He answered them, go and tell John, what you have seen and heard, the blind receive their sight, the lame walk, lepers are cleansed, and the deaf hear, the dead are raised up and the poor have good news preached to them. And bless it is He is the One who is not offended by me.

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When John’s messengers had gone, Jesus began to speak to the crowds concerning John, what did you go out into the wilderness to see A reed shaken by the wind? What then, did you go out to see a man dressed in soft clothing? Behold, those who are dressed in splendid clothing, and live in luxury, or in Keene kings courts? What then did you go out to see a profit? Yes, I tell you and more than a prophet. This is He Who of whom it is written, Behold, I send my messenger before your face, who will prepare your way before you. I tell you, among those born of women, none is greater than John. Yet the one who is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he. When all the people heard this, and the tax collectors too, they declare To God, just having been baptized with the baptism of John, but the Pharisees and the lawyers rejected the purpose of God for themselves, not having been baptized by him. To What then shall I compare the people of this generation? And what are they like? They are like children sitting in the marketplace and calling to one another, we played the flute for you, and you did not dance, we sang a dirge and you did not weep. For John the Baptist has come eating no bread and drinking no wine. And you say he has a demon. And the Son of Man has come eating and drinking and you say, look at him a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners. Yes, wisdom is justified by all her children. So here’s what stuck out to me in that passage. what stuck out to me is that Jesus healed a man, He raised Him from the dead, he’s giving people sight. He’s He’s causing people to, to have healing in their bodies, and the good news to be preached to the poor. And he’s doing all of this. And yet John, who has been in the desert who has been doing God’s will, is in jail. And John, is wondering, is this the right one? Did I preach? And was this was this accurate? And yet, you know what? John was beheaded. John died. He didn’t see the fruition in his own life. And Jesus said, bless it is he who is not offended by me. So you might be hearing the story and say, I believed for my son, I believed for for my friend, and yet they died. I believe for my own healing, but I’m knocking on death’s door. And I want to just say for some reason, God said, it is better for you not to be offended by me. Look what John the Baptist accomplished. He was greatest in the kingdom of heaven. That’s what he said, is greater above all the prophets. And yet he didn’t get out of jail, he died. And so do not despair. There is purpose behind that suffering, there is purpose to that person’s death, and that person not being raised. And yet, the fact that someone was raised from the dead went throughout all of Judea. And many, many people believed. John the Baptist had purpose. And it was different than what the purpose of the the man who was raised at the dead was just like John the Baptist, fasted, and yet Jesus drank and ate. And people thought both of them were wrong. And yet God said, yet wisdom is justified by all her children. So don’t not think because your story has been different than, than that of my brothers, or your story was more along my friends, husbands. Do not think that God does not have purpose for what has happened to you. And yet, do not be offended by God, still believe his words, still walk in the promises of faith? Still do what He asks you to do. Because he said, he knows when a sparrow falls off the tree. How much more does he care about you? He cared about John the Baptist. He loved John the Baptist, that was his friend he mourned. He wept when he found out about John the Baptist.

33:51
God cares about you. He cares about you, there is purpose to that pain and that suffering. And yet, the faith heals. And yet our faith is is what God asks us to do is to keep knocking to keep knocking. If we ask for bread, will our father give us a stone? No, he won’t. So when you think that your life has more looked like John the Baptist, was it a stone that John the Baptist was given? Or is there something incredible in eternity that John the Baptist gets to experience that we won’t even see on this side of eternity? Is their purpose in the story of John the Baptist? That that many, many, many people have have have been able to walk through and walk in because of who John the Baptist was? So I want you to challenge your own heart. That have you been hard And because of that suffering, have you been offended at Jesus, because your life looks more like John the Baptist than the story of the son that was raised from the dead, because Jesus had compassion on his mother who was weeping. Do not be offended, and yet, receive faith from the story of my brother. And yet receive that faith, but to not be offended, because God is bigger than us. Because God is higher than us because God knows more than us.

35:41
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion.

36:06
God says that God heals all the people who are sick, and that he healed them really strong enough. So that is not great. You’re doing great. So have a drink and that they be strong. Amen.

36:23
Amen. Thank you

208-“Help! I have low libido” OR “HE does!”

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What if you’re a wife that has WAY lower libido than your husband? If you feel like this is just physiologically the way you were made, I want to help. I think there’s a lot more to you and the way you’re set up sexually.

I, Belah Rose, “the sexpert“, can easily say “I have a low libido”. Does that keep me and my husband from having an incredible sex life? Fierce, fiery, sensual, spiritual… And I get turned on too and get excited about making love! So… I don’t think your libido/”natural” sex drive has to prevent you either!

Listen in to find out the top 3 things you need to know if you have a LOW sex drive. And how to turn that around. How I did and do.

But what if HE is the one with the low sex drive? Ouch! So sorry, I know that’s so hard!

There are several important questions you need to be asking. I help you to sort through what could be the real source of the issues and how to overcome them. Are you contributing to the issue or COULD be contributing to live the solution?

—

What’s a Clarity Call:

You can sign up for a FREE, 40-minute call (a $500 value) for an opportunity to get clear on the issues you deal with. If you are the right fit for the program this can be a phenomenal opportunity as I can’t invite everyone into the program. Clarity Calls are free for now but I’m not sure until when. To schedule, go to: www.dym.as.me Even if we find a program is not the right fit, you’ll get a ton of awesome value.

transcript

0:18
Hello, hello, and welcome, welcome. Thanks so much for joining me on the delight your marriage podcast. My name is belah rose. And if you have joined me before, I want to say welcome back, thank you so much for allowing me into your life and into your thought processes. And I think that today is going to be a really great conversation about a high drive spouse or a low drive spouse. And specifically women is really who I’m talking about in this call. But obviously, for men, it really is going to be helpful to understand your wife. Let me interject really quick. Because I often hear this story when I do my Clarity Calls. And for limited time, I’m really not sure how long I’ll be able to do this. But it’s a great opportunity to do a clarity call with me. Now, this is a $500 opportunity. This is my, essentially my coaching time. And this is an opportunity for you to get clear on what’s blocking you in your marriage. And I essentially ask you a ton of questions to really help you get a true understanding of what are the obstacles, what’s keeping you from getting the marriage that you want. And ultimately we discern where is it that you want to go and your distinct vision of what that is your specific vision of what that looks like for you. And you know, at the end of all that, if I feel like you’re the right fit, and obviously we’ve gone deep into your story and what you’re looking to achieve if I feel like you’re the right fit to actually work with me personally, I might invite you into that one of my programs that can actually get you there. And by God’s grace, I’ve had incredible, incredible results with with women and now men working directly with them. And yeah, so I would love to invite you on a free clarity call once again. $500 value, I would love for you to take advantage of that while I’m doing them. So you can go to www.dy M dot A s dot m e, so That’s www.dy M dot A s dot M E. Fantastic. Okay, well, today I want to dive into first of all low libido for wives. Kind of the three things I want you to definitely come away with. And then high y high drive wives and why that might be happening, and even give you understandings of what you can do about that. Because once you understand some of the whys, then that can help you to really transform that. So let’s go ahead and dive in

3:31
awesome, okay, so here’s what I want to talk about is low libido. First of all, let me tell you, I’m belah rose, I have done this work for a long time I wrote the book on delight your husband, right. So I am very much aware of sexual components in a marriage and I am low Dr. I have been for a very long time. And my whole marriage and my previous marriage, and what I want to help you to understand is that it’s okay to be that way. It’s okay to own that. It’s okay to recognize that this is something that you just don’t have the desire as much as your husband. And so I don’t want you to think though, that that’s an excuse to not make love on a consistent frequent basis with incredible, fierce, powerful dominating, as well as intimate connecting, meditative spiritual sexuality. Just because you are, quote, low drive does not mean that sex should not be a part of your country. sistent life. And I want to tell you about that, because I think that couples sometimes go decades with the understanding that, oh, I’m low libido. So that’s a chemical issue. So that means, you know, if I don’t desire it or not making love, you know, I’m a 21st Century woman, I love the amazing rites that I’ve been fought for by the women and the, you know, leaders that have come before me and made sure that we can vote and be in high positions and leadership positions and in work, places and all these kinds of things. But I want you to know, that I don’t think that man’s drive for sex and a woman’s drive for sex should be considered equal. Because I think a lot of times, we have this understanding of, you know, a lot of times women feel like, well, if I don’t want it, then I’m not going to make a love that would be you know, that would be an authentic that wouldn’t be who I am, it wouldn’t be sharing it, you know, I, I need to want it in order for us to make love. And I just want you to be clear that it’s not the way women work, even Physiol. Physiologically, women, a lot of times have to commit to sex, before their bodies start to respond before they even get wet, and their vagina elongates and all the actual physical changes don’t happen until her mind commits to sex. And a lot of times, that takes a long time, she might need, you know, hours before making love for her to be like, Okay, we’re gonna make love tonight. Let me make sure I’m feeling beautiful, you know, maybe I’ll be aware of what I’m eating. So I’m not bloated. By the time we’re gonna make love. Let me be thinking about, you know, sex, let me think about how to tease and how to seduce. That’s why I so encouraged seduction from women, because that gets you in the mood, it actually gets you turned on when you are seducing and it’s a lot more fun. So, I encourage you that just because you quote, have a low libido doesn’t mean that you are stuck with that, you know, we are never we never have to be a victim in this life. You know, I agree that that, you know, there are so much horrible things that you may have gone through, and I don’t want to minimize that, you know, sexual abuse is horrific. One in four women have experienced that. But I want to say and encourage you that whatever the past, was it, God doesn’t want that to define you anymore. He doesn’t want that to define your marriage anymore. He wants to heal you, he wants to bring you out of that. He wants that he wants to, to allow you to be free from that. And he wants your marriage to be strong and powerful and and a respite from the rest of the world. So you can do His will better.

8:22
So I would encourage you that, that the enemy wants you to be a victim, the enemy wants you to have every excuse in the book to say no, no, no, we are not unifying as a couple. Sex is not important. I don’t want it so we’re not having it. Let me resist my husband at all costs. That’s what the enemy wants. But what I believe God wants is something much deeper. And so my second point is my first point is I’m right there with you. That’s totally normal, but it’s not a good excuse. My second point is, I don’t think I and I’m generalizing here. But from my experience, or for a lot of my clients, I think often it’s not necessarily natural for us to want fierce, awesome sex like a man does. Most men struggle with pornography. Most you know, it’s much less that women do unless of course maybe it’s was started with curiosity. Like, you know, when I years ago, when I was young, I had a porn addiction, but it was really spurred on just by curiosity, and then it kind of started on like, Okay, I want to learn how to do this whole sex thing. But anyway, the point is that a lot of times, you know, sex in marriage, for a man is like, it’s like his natural inclination is to like, Okay, let’s do it. Let’s do it. Let’s do it. And for women, it’s often not natural. It doesn’t feel Like an urge, you know, she could probably go years without doing it and kind of be fine. A lot of times not, not always. But we’ll talk about the higher Dr. wive in a little bit. But here’s the thing. I believe that making love, even when it’s, quote, not natural, is making us more like Jesus when we do, because loving and learning to love your husband in the way that He desires to be loved. Is is essentially causing us to die to ourselves, isn’t it, it’s causing us to die to who we, who we were, who we are, and making us closer to who Jesus wants us to be. And so when I you know, sometimes when I work with wives, they’re like, I don’t understand why I have to make love to him, for him to just be nice to me for there not to be all this tension in the house. And what I want to say is that when you got married, your husband had some expectations. You know, he burned with passion. And that’s what Paul says is like, if you burn with passion, get married. And essentially, Paul’s, you know, the context of that is kind of like, get married, so then you can get on with your life, like, continue on, to do God’s work. And so if he’s burning with passion, there’s this focus that’s not able to be kind of, he’s not able to focus on God’s will and God’s work in his life, because he’s so focused on his need, and his desire for that love. And that connection that only is given through sex for him. So

12:03
like I said, I mean, he kind of came into marriage with expectations around sexual intimacy. And just like you came into marriage with expectations around being cherished and being romanced and being loved and listened to, and having patience and gentleness, I mean, the same reason, you know, the, the whole proposal dealio is such a such a big thing. And, you know, she hopes that that’s going to continue for the rest of their lives. And just like the honeymoon is such a big deal. Because husbands and wives need time to get their whole sexuality figured out and have, you know, just amazing sex for, you know, a week or two weeks or whatever. And that’s what he’s looking forward to. And he’s assuming this is gonna continue forever, she might be more concerned about the vacation and the beaches. But the point is, that both husbands and wives have these other like needs and desires. And as a wife, when you are loving your husband, the way that He desires to be loved, you are learning to serve, you are learning to be more like Jesus, your character is being sharpened, you are being pruned. And you might be saying well, seducing and you know, buying risque lingerie and learning how to dance and you know, all these things, how is that even, you know, godly and, and that kind of thing. And that’s also a big piece of discipline of of disciplined pursuit of understanding the holiness of sex, that is vital for you to love your husband the way he craves to be loved. And it’s again, similar. Think about your husband, he probably has such a difficult time thinking about the prospect of taking you on a date, you know, where in the world to even start with with causing you to like what he’s gonna do. You know, there’s a lot of anxiety. I had no idea my husband had so much insecurity and anxiety around dates. That’s why he wasn’t taking me on them. I thought this whole time he just didn’t care. But the truth is, he was anxious. So he just avoided it. He didn’t want to be told it wasn’t good enough. And so which I used to do, and unfortunately, a lot of women do they tell their husbands it’s not good enough. They critique them rather than build up the good things he did. And then eventually he’ll do more. So just think about from his perspective, what that could feel like, you want him to go learn maybe cooking classes so he can do a romantic meal. Surprising it for you or you want him to look Got a you know, research online romantic places to take your wife? Or, you know, you want him to do those things? Because that would make you feel more loved when he learns and does them. But if he has this negative attitude of, okay, well, I know she needs to go on a date or I know she needs me to listen to her. So I guess it’s time, I’ll just sit down and, you know, see if she’ll just talk and all stay here until she’s done. No, I would be like, Well, nevermind, I’m not gonna talk, I’m not going to share my heart with you. And it’s the same way with your husband, if you have a negative attitude about lovemaking. He knows it’s not like he becomes some stranger all the sudden, because he’s turned on, he’s not the man that you know him to be. He recognizes your discomfort. He sees it, he knows exactly, but he craves it, he desires it. So if he has the, you know, inkling that you’re gonna allow it, he’s so kind of ravenous for feeling loved. He might take that opportunity, but it doesn’t mean that just because he had an orgasm, he’s, you know, feeling totally filled up and loved in his heart. You want him to feel those ways. You know, so I would encourage you that you know, your attitude, it’s a discipline in your heart to make sure you are loving your spouse in the way that He desires to be loved.

16:36
So, the third thing I want to talk about is just to understand that it’s totally normal, and okay, if you’re kind of libido, maybe has waves. So let’s call it that, or seasons, even short seasons, but seasons, nonetheless, this was a really helpful thing that a mentor taught me years ago. And she said, passion comes in seasons. And I thought that was interesting, because it kind of helps take the pressure off a little bit. You know, you’re not suddenly, you know, maybe you go from someone who really has such low libido. And then suddenly, you’re like, oh, my gosh, I’m turned on, this is so exciting, ah, and then you go back to lower libido, and it maybe freaks you out. And you’re like, oh, my gosh, where, you know, and back at the beginning, but if you think about just having, you know, just essentially cycles, and you know, one of them is very accurately your menstrual cycle. So, there are times in your menstrual cycle where you are going to be more turned on like ovulation. And there are other times where it’s less so. And again, that’s very natural, very appropriate. But it doesn’t mean once again, that that is basically a reason to not be making love. What I consider ovulation is really a Kickstart to your lovemaking for the rest of the month. Like ovulation is a great like, Okay, let’s get on like, you know, because the thing is, when you get outside of a consistent habit of making love, it makes it so much harder to get back in that habit. Even just in the habit of like seduction and letting him see your body and coming up with unique and exciting ideas to turn him on and send spicy text messages and these kinds of things. Once you get out of that habit. It’s it’s his effort to get back into it. So again, ovulation is great kickstart, but I encourage you to not get out of that habit. Just like going to the gym getting there is effort but once you’re in that habit of going and working out whether it’s going to the gym or working out, you know, outside or running, going to the park playing soccer, which I now am doing once again with my husband’s pickup team. So fun. But when you get out of that habit, it’s really hard to get started again. The other thing is in terms of like, you know, your libido going in waves is a lot of times external stimuli can help. So it’s funny when I took a break over the this past summer from dy M my podcast there were some people that some listeners that are like I, I just didn’t have as much motivation to make love consistently because I wasn’t listening to your podcast. So I encourage you to continue listening, God Willing that you would be inspired to continue to make love and continue to recognize the value in The priority this should have in your life. So that is what I want to really encourage you that you can get back in the saddle, you don’t have to feel like, okay, well, my, you know, my libido left because of xy and z, so I’m not able to move forward.

20:22
I want to tell you about a wife, who I’ve been working with for several weeks. And when we had our first clarity call, she was like, I don’t even know what it feels like to be turned on. You know, we’ve been married for years. And, you know, it’s really just for him, but we do it consistently. But I, I don’t even I don’t feel anything, I feel like, you know, my rest is numb, I feel like, there’s not, I mean, there’s, I feel a lot of pressure that I have to do it for his sake, but I don’t get any real enjoyment or excitement, you know, physiologically, it’s really just for him. And by God’s grace, we were able to really go through my system to help a wife get to a place where the bedroom is not pressured, there’s not high expectations, there becomes a freedom, there becomes gratitude, that becomes safety, where she feels able to express herself, where then her, she actually is able to activate and become aware of the feelings inside her ReSSA. And through all of that, in just several weeks, it was really amazing what God did, because she’s got several young children. And apparently, they went to a wedding and got home at like, 132 o’clock in the morning. And this was after driving all the way home, I guess it was a distance, and they had to drop off different people at different houses. And, you know, she’s a very busy woman, active in her community, you know, kids, and she works full time and just like, How in the world, you know, she’s supposed to have, you know, an awesome sex life amidst all of that stuff. But after that wedding, and they got home, she was like, no, no, she was so turned on that she, like, grabbed her husband was like we’re making love anyway. And so I’m so excited for her because now he or she knows what it’s like to be turned on. And she can, she can tap into that at any time. You know, once she has that, once she’s kind of gone there, and she understands and she can love the sexual connection, because I myself have the same thing. You know, they I know how to get to that, again, and again and again. And certainly there are waves and if I get out of the habit, or if I my menstrual cycle, you know, sometimes or if I am getting sick or whatever, there’s, there are times but then you, you snap right back into it. And you continue to recognize the value in the import of sexual connection with your husband. And then by God’s grace, it brings you together once again. So then you can, again to do God’s will better in this world. You feel filled up in love, and that just multiplies in every other area of your life. It’s really a beautiful, beautiful thing. It’s funny, different people that we’ve encountered, whether it’s people from church, or people from soccer, or whatever, they assume my husband and I are dating, because that’s the I guess, you know, they I don’t guess I mean, I know it’s just the level of excitement that we have for each other. But it’s really wonderful because they get a chance to see what does a healthy marriage look like? What does people that are crazy about each other look like? And And gosh, those are Christians, those are people like sex can be better in marriage. I don’t have to be sinning by being addicted to pornography or doing those hookups and our hookup culture, all these kinds of things. I can actually have a marriage that’s hot and fierce. The answer is yes. Yes, you can. Dear husband, that’s possible. Absolutely. And for a wife, you can feel filled up in sex, you can feel like it’s connected and intimate. And you feel cherished, and you feel adored, and your husband serves you and wants to romance you and listen to you and hold you even non sexually right. So yeah, I want to just give you that vision. It’s not outside of your reach. It’s not outside of your grasp. So let me switch gears. I want to talk about the HYDrive wife and For those listening that are like, I crave that I want my husband to desire me more sexually. I want to first off. Now these are going to be challenging things to just look at. But I do want to challenge you. Because

25:23
if I don’t, I don’t think I’m speaking truth. And one of my biggest things for this season in my life, one of the three quarter goals that I have, is to speak truth, or at least don’t tell a lie. And I’m really focused on that, of course, I want to speak truth with wisdom, because I don’t think I need to be telling people, you know what, I think all the time, I don’t think that’s wise. And it’s not even biblical, but but the truth that I want to just ask you to consider is. So a few things. The first one is, when was the last time you initiated as the wife? When was the last time you initiate it? So some women tell me, you know, I, my husband has no desire, he doesn’t go after me, you know, it’s been years, or it’s at least been months, or it’s rare that you know, that he does anything. And I’m just curious, you know, why have you not initiated? Why have you not taken that opportunity to seduce him. And a lot of people, it’s their insecurity. A lot of people, they just want him to take all the insecurity, right, it’s very insecure for a husband, to pursue his wife sexually, because it’s such a need for him. So if you have rejected him, or you have corrected him, or you have said anything negative about your sex life before, there’s a big barrier for him, to even try one more time, much less over and over again, that is very hard for a husband to get past. So it might be your time, it might be your turn to initiate. Oh, my gosh, I talked to someone. I’m so sad about this. She and her husband are going through such challenges with their intimacy. And she told me that a sex therapist said for her not to initiate in a, and I just was like, jaw dropping like what? Why in the world? Would a sex therapist say something like that? Yes, the wife should be initiating. Yes, the wife should be seducing Yes, she should be enticing. Read the Song of Solomon, the, the the wife does a ton more talking than then the husband. So yes, you should be doing those things. And then I’m curious. Also, what does initiation mean to you? Does it mean you say something like want to come upstairs. So I’m curious, if you might want to make it a little sexier. You know, maybe you’re in your lingerie and you’re like, Honey, I would love to meet you in the bedroom. Now that sparks interest, but something like we should make love. That doesn’t spark as much interest that doesn’t spark as much as sexual tension.

28:41
So want to want to go upstairs, again, is not as sexually enticing. Again, if you’re wearing normal clothes, that that’s your husband is visual. He wants to see you he wants to see your body. You know, part of my course is all about teaching you what seduction is. My program is all about helping you process and helping you see the woman’s body through men’s eyes, I have a whole photo guide that’s all about like, here’s a picture, here’s why it’s sexy to your husband, here are all the all the reasons it’s sexy, and how you can do that for him. And so I just encourage you, you know, think about yourself from your husband’s eyes. What would turn him on and, and just because you’ve got lingerie on, and lights are dim and you just jump in the bed is not the same as the lights are, at least on maybe they’re dim to be like a sexy, whatever. But you’ve got your lingerie on and you just linger in the doorway for him to really take in that visual feast of your body. So that’s something very, very different. So seduce him So send them those sexy text messages before. So he’s prepared to have an incredible experience that night. And once again, in my program, I share exactly what you can say, use borrowed courage, use my specific text messages that you can just send to him and know exactly what he boom, he’s thinking about it at work, he’s thinking about it wherever he is with the kids, and he is excited. So that’s, you know, for the HYDrive wife, put in that sexual tension all over your marriage, that should be all over the place, you should be doing all sorts of cutesy little sexy things to him. So that’s one. Another one is to recognize your husband is insecure about a lot of things sexually. You know, husband told me the other day that often that’s literally the measure of a man is his sex life. That’s how strong it is for him. So that means his penis size, that means his sexual abilities, that means his ability to make you orgasm. That means whether or not he has stamina, and is able to stay erect for long, you know that whether or not he, you know, has he d, these kinds of things can be affected, by the way you respond to him with joy and love and have a positive attitude throughout all of it. And you give him that confidence, and encouragement that’s all affected. And I want you to know, comments like, Honey, you should really get that checked. That is not a benign comment. That is a comment that lowers his self esteem, that it makes him not want to approach you and makes him feel like he’s broken. It makes him it’s almost like him saying, honey, I think you should really lose some weight. Like, can you imagine the kind of distance and the wall he would have put between you just by saying that. But he won’t tell you that because he’s a man. And he doesn’t want to show his weakness. He’ll pretend like it’s no big deal. But those are not benign statements. Those are things that really hurt and they cut deep. The last thing, and this is the hardest thing to share and ask you about but pornography might be involved. Because once again, sex is such an insecure kind of thing for men, that pornography doesn’t say no, pornography doesn’t make him have to be a man, he doesn’t make him have to cherish you so that you feel emotionally fulfilled, that you want to make love to him. Pornography is always there. The temptation is right on on his phone, one in five Google searches are for pornography. And it’s every flavor, every kink every all of it. Right.

33:07
So the reason I’m saying that is not to scare you as much as it is to warn you, because I think, sadly, I talk to wives that are just completely unaware. They’re completely unaware of how pornography is all over our society. That every man, I would say, unless they’re living under a rock has been exposed to it. And there’s most non Christian men, unless they, you know, have a strong set of values against it, are using it, and they call it masturbation they call it natural. So I want to warn you that that’s a possibility. I want to warn you that that I don’t want you to have your eyes closed, I don’t want you to walk into danger and think that it’s not something that goes on. It is and it could be going on, and I’m not prescribing what to do next. I just want you to understand the normalcy of it. Not that it’s right. But I also don’t want you to think that your life should be shattered if that’s what’s going on. Because once again, most men, in fact, all men that I’ve ever met because I don’t know anyone who’s lived under a rock. All men have been exposed to it. And so, the next piece is okay, what am I going to do proactively about this as a wife? Yeah, and again, there’s a lot you can do. Not by fighting with him, but enticing him away from it. I’ve worked with wives in that capacity. And there’s ways that you can be a wise wife, attracting him away from the sin, the soul crushing sin of pornography and affairs. It’s not your job to be the force and to push him into force him out of it. That’s not going to be effective. That’s going to cause him into go into deceit mode and pretending and hiding things, and deleting his history and all that kind of stuff. But instead, how do you entice them out of that. And that’s important. And then the final thing I will say about hire Dr. Women, it could be completely normal. So I do want to say that it could be. So there you go. And the last thing is there could be things about his particular physiology that you know, low testosterone, stress, all that kind of stuff. So those are also, you know, he might be distracted, it might just not be a good day that he had at work, you know, those are all things to keep in mind. So don’t like blow this out of proportion. For sure. I don’t want to blow it out of proportion. But for those of you listening, that, that needed some of the hard truths, I wanted to share that. And I wanted to hopefully help you in those. So use your judgment to discern what’s going on for you guys. And pray about it. Ask God to help you to know how to interact with your husband to make your marriage more intimate, and more satisfying for you and for him. Because he feels your dissatisfaction, whatever it may be, and why however it is, he feels it too. And

37:00
we’re changing that is really important and helpful for you guys. Alright, let me go ahead and pray for us. Father, I just lift up the person on the end of this microphone, I asked God that you would guide them and help them and, and help her to understand if it’s a wife listening help her to understand what her low libido should mean, practically in her life, God is just going to keep her from walking in amazing sex life with her husband, or is this something she’s going to overcome? And say that she’s not going to be the victim she’s going to be living and serving the way that you want her to and her marriage. And I pray also for the high libido wife that, you know, is really craving more intimacy with her husband, God, I ask that You would help her to know how to love him, how to love him well, and what it means to be the wise wife that is attracting just like the Song of Solomon wife that seducing and attracting him closer and closer to her, even sexually God. Lord, I pray for the marriages that this would reach God that you would just transform marriages, transformed families, transformed generations, Father God, do this work, God that only you can do. Do more and more and more in Jesus name. Amen. Wonderful. Well, thank you so much for joining me on the on the podcast today. And I do encourage you if you know someone that would be encouraged by this, maybe a girlfriend, maybe a husband that you know, or your own husband, or, you know, men, giving demand women to giving to women, whatever. That’s actually how this podcast has grown. Since it started, and by God’s grace, now it’s 19th out of the top 30 relationships podcast and I’m, I’m so honored and grateful and I really want to help you, I really want to give you guidance and support and wisdom. But if this is something that is helping you, I encourage you to share it. Not enough people are talking about these things. It’s It’s shocking how few resources there are to talk about something like this. So if this blessed you, I hope that you would be able to share it with somebody else and have the courage to do that because it’s not easy to talk about sex. And this might be the the help that somebody else is really craving for really striving for really looking for. Okay, God bless you have a wonderful, wonderful week. Bye

40:00
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion

207-My Husband’s Advice

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My husband is a very wise man. Probably the wisest I’ve met (and I get to live with him! )

Listeners have asked to hear from my husband and I’m glad because he has a lot of wonderful & helpful things to share! I think his message has nuggets that any and every marriage will benefit from!

—

If you’re a husband…

I’m about to pilot a brand new program:

Masculinity Reclaimed: Be respected, enjoy fierce intimacy and love being married again!

I have SO many men–may be like yourself–whose wives wouldn’t dream of hearing my work or considering changing their behavior or even understanding those needs.

By Gods grace, I understand men AND women and this would be the program to bridge the gap for MEN to understand their wives and motivate her to WANT sex rather than REPEL her FROM it (as unfortunately, most of them are

It would be an all-male group coaching with me. This would allow men to share their situations and I would advise on the female perspective and give teachings (all this via live video chat) on how to transform their marriages and intimacy within it.

I’m only accepting serious, committed, decisive and coachable applicants and this pilot would be the absolute lowest investment the program will ever be.

I am either going to pick the best of the applications that come in or if there are a lot (and I plan to blast this all over to gauge genuine interest) then I’ll just do first come, first serve of the best ones.

If you’d like to be considered for this opportunity sign up for a Clarity Call at www.dym.as.me and we’ll dive in quickly to see if you’d be the right fit to get success out of this opportunity.

Check out testimonials of my work: www.delightyourmarriage.com/testimonials & also www.delightyourmarriage.com/husbands to read a tiny sampling of the outpouring of men about their sexual needs and need to be respected.

I’m REALLY looking forward to helping the men who constantly reach out to me for help (3 just this week!).

—

transcript

0:18
Hello, hello, and welcome. Thank you so much for joining. If this is your first time with the podcast, I am so grateful that you’re joining, I don’t know where you are in this wonderful world. But I’m so honored that you’re tuning into my voice and my husband. So there’s a little treat today. You know, I’ve had many people reach out to me and say, I’d really love to hear from your husband, his advice about this particular situation or just in general. And so yeah, so he’s on today. And we’re just peripheral, that this is going to be something that gives you encouragement and inspiration today, and helps you in your marriage. And as you go forward today, in this week. So without further ado, we have the expectation that we’re always going to re record if we decide we need to so you can pick up nuggets from this conversation and you can leave the ones that don’t make sense to your particular situation in your life. So but yeah, I would love to kind of just ask my husband a couple of questions. And he’s just, you know, one of the wisest men, men I know, and I’m super grateful for that he shakes his head is as I said that but it’s true. And he’s just got a lot of really great encouragement I think for you. It’s one of his specialties as encouragement. So So honey, you know, I think that we hear from so many husbands and wives through this podcast, but I think I want to start out with husbands. Obviously, you’ve been on this journey with me for the last over four years now with this podcast, and before that, and when these men write into me, and they describe their situations, and just the men you know, in your life and your experience with what’s going on in marriages, I’m curious if you could kind of give maybe some guidance to them. And it doesn’t have to be organized and doesn’t have to be thought through it’s just you know, just some advice that a lot of men miss and it would be encouraging to them

2:44
okay, well I don’t know about that Weiss Weiss’s man or about giving advice he’s I feel like we all learning we’re all learning in our in our own way whether we see other couples the way that they act towards each other Oh for all those wives I believe that you made the right choice to to work with Bella my wife you know sometimes when she feels like you know someone is still having some hard time and they can see her like he cared about his wife so much that you want them to transform their lives which you are doing right now. A lot of times that we don’t realize a lot of things that we’re that we’re going through or we say through to our husbands or wives but we kept that those those things that those words that whatever the wife or husband says and we don’t tell them about how we feeling you know, one of the things that i What is it the other night I was feeling like all this thing inside but I feel like you know i i know that i i can tell her with no issues. Wedding I see my wife’s are taking notes about how I’m feeling. And to me it felt very I don’t know like like she really wanted to to to listen to me. You know, she said this is very important for me the way how you’re feeling because otherwise how how do I don’t want to help this? This this woman so for all your Ladies, you’re doing the the right work. You know sometimes it feels like you’re going further. Like far away. Sometimes you you feel like you’re you’re getting to understand I don’t for husbands I feel like, you know, like the world’s kind of like backwards, right? Like constantly husbands emailing to sue Bella about how they’re feeling about how, how their wives been treating them or Satan certain certain words. Wives, they, you know, the talk to Bella in Santa Baja their husbands are improved some things, but they just can’t see. I feel like it’s like, either is one or the other. But it’s not like bowling or this on the same on the same path on the same balance that there’s there’s always a there’s, I feel like some in our lives, whether we know someone or us, we went through weather as a child that we went through some some hard times. I I don’t know, maybe this is out of the question. But I feel like I’ve been myself when before I met belah I was depressed, I was a surprise, I was smoking, drinking. And that’s when all the friends are coming in. You know? Oh, you know, all those things that I’m feeling like, I want to end my life because there is no purpose. Because life was too painful.

6:34
But I didn’t think about my mum that this poor woman that she gave birth to me that I see my I see my wife how she gave birth to my two babies. And I’m like, it is very hard. Even just to see, I don’t know how you all ladies do that. I keep telling my wife that if every man will give birth to one child that will understand more other wives, maybe. But definitely have more compassion. He’s I feel like as a man Are we is hard for us to apologize. Even though sometimes we make a mistake, whether we say words or do something. And it’s hard because our price too, too high. And we don’t want to let ourselves to be less men, if you can say that. And we just want to say do something else for their wives. We cannot say like, you know what I’m you know, I’m sorry, I make this mistake. Please forgive me, I will do my best to, to honor you. You know, but just say that a lot of us we don’t we don’t say it. We you know, I was telling my wife that sometimes I’ve recorded my boys because I’m listening to her podcasts all the time. And I’m learning a lot of things. And I, you know, this husbands that, that they email to my wife, about all the things that they say, I feel like man it is it is hard. I do not want to be in that position where you are. Whether you lost someone, or it’s just an argument. You’re not happy when you get home. The board is start mentioning and I feel like paying the Boris, there’s like the most one of the small stressful things in our lives. Because you’re not focused about anything. You’re not focused about your work about your family, nor your kids. Or your focus about this negative stuff and the bores in a feel like what what happened? What happened, why that work came up the bores what happened? And of course, you want to start finding out like Did I do something wrong? Or always because she did something wrong and or I did something wrong, right? I feel like God give you this daughter, your wife to you? What is it that you did? The first time for you to to gain her heart? What is it that you did? What is it that you said to her? For her to start feeling the inside that that this is the man that I’m been looking for? And then something happened? What happened? What do you do you need to do to change something’s behavior? less angry and what One of the things I feel like it’s we got to be careful with our words. We have to be careful with our words. Because sometimes, you know, we don’t, we don’t measure words, we just say it. And he’s too late. If you tell it to your wife, it’s already out. You know, and you got to make up for that. I sometimes I made mistakes. I made a mistake all the time. You know, and think that Bella is so kind that she talked to me calmly. And I feel like, you know, this one of the things that I used to feel every time when we had an argument, I feel like she’s wanting to divorce me, and she’s wanting to take my kids away from me. Isn’t it like, silly the way that I used to think? And I’m like, I don’t know, she made me feel so comfortable that I’m like this. Wow, how feeling? Hey, you know, start crying this whole thing. But and then she she says, Honey, I’m so sorry about how you’ve been feeling this way. Every time we had his arguments. You know, that means that we really had to break this barrier. Especially how you’re feeling how, you know, won’t leave you for that you just have, you know, just like any other couples.

11:19
And I feel like I free myself will be in peace. Because I feel insecure that like oh, we have our you I don’t like arguments. I don’t like you know, disagreements. And that’s my first thing that I feel like, I just want to divorce me and take my kids away from me. And because I seen them a lot. I see him a lot I see on the streets. Wife is yelling to husband husband’s yelling to wife. Everybody’s listening. I’m like, What is the reason they’re doing it? Why? Why they’re yelling so we can know their problems. Want to just you know, what? Can we discuss this and privately? Take a deep breath and say, Can we discuss this? Probably because man will not be quiet. If you want to scream at him. Cuz he’s no, he’s not want to feel like he’s less than a man. So he’s wanting to start yelling back. I feel like for for all this woman. Like sometimes my my wives. She says like, I know, I can help them. I know I can help them. But it shows they’re not ready to. To be coach. And you know, I just feel like for this other thing for about the group for husbands, you know, years, I feel like we’ve been talking about this and it was like if it’s right is it’s okay or not and what the husband will think about me and you know, all those things. And husband’s been reached out to Bella, do you have to? Do you have a program or a course about for husbands? Bella says that you know, only for wives because I feel comfortable. But I feel like husbands are so much in pain that I feel like it’s right. I’m like, you know, you can? Let’s try it and who knows, you know, they they’ve been asking and that’s what my wife has been reaching out to this husbands that they email to her about her pain. And I feel like I you know, this is what I tell belah about that. Husbands, sometimes our emotions a little more stronger. That sometimes when they’re not happy, we’re not happy. We say some things that will might hurt your feelings that just to be aware of that weather they don’t see weather there. They don’t see and they cannot see and they want to see the results. So because they’re in pain, they want to say certain words to you. And I feel like even if you try to do the best that you can just to help them right to help them you’re not trying to hurt them to help them but they still be some one will see the negative the negativity. There’s there going to be someone there always has been there always has been someone that won’t see and because he is in pain. So he will he or she will bring something negative to negative stuff. In fear we all have been this way. Me even sometimes. I feel like when you know when I’m hearing something and I just start judging that person because I am not happy with something. And I’m like I don’t know their their their lives. I don’t know their religion. Ship. I don’t know why I started judging, I’m assuming that oh is the husband, whatever, you know. And I feel like it’s this husband. I wanted to say all this time, this husband, or one of them, that she emailed to Bella about, like, how lucky your husband is to have you that I wish my wife will understand me. The way do you understand us? And you, husband, I thank you for that reminder. I thank you so much for the reminder. Because you know, sometimes we take it for granted. We know we have it, we know we’ll have it. So we get used to it, Be comfortable. And then we are doing something else. Because we know we have an will go away, instead of like waking up every single every single morning. And then is it like be amazing that you wake up every single morning? And then you got that woman of your dreams by your side? Or you got a man of your dreams by your side?

16:16
How will you feel? Husband? When was the last time that you wake up before your wife? When you rest they if you have rest days, bring some coffee to your wife in his or her new you like some coffee? Or we like some tea or anything. Just something that she did not expect? And use Look at her face. How much her phrase phases like, wow, what’s going what’s going on, you don’t just let her say how she’s feeling something. But also don’t expect something back. Because if you want to do something, and you’re expecting something back, please don’t do it. Please don’t do it because you’re going to hurt her. Because when you expect something back and you’re not getting it, your words are want to come out. They want to come out and the wrong time. And you’re want to say hurtful things. Because your wife hasn’t do these things that you’re expecting to have. Because you’re expecting that if you want to do because this is your wife is somebody your wife that you are you cherish her, you you you go with her if she’s in pain, you taking care of her. For her to feel like, thank you so much for taking care of me last night because I was in pain, or thank you for taking care of the kids. Or thank you for cleaning. I feel like we men should never get tired. You know, I when I have my two jobs i i work at you know, early come home really late. And you know, my wife was having some hard times. So I get up before her or with her. Even I am so tired. Because I wasn’t expecting something back. Because otherwise I’ll be just complaining. And we’re here to listen to her wives. And I feel like the same as some wives that I see. Not ready to listen. You know, and sometimes I see like, in both ways. You know, even our own our marriage, or in our friends how you know, sometimes they sell their husbands. You know, like, Oh, he’s he’s out of shape he can play. He’s he’s out of shape. I know that. Just kidding. I know. You’re joking. But I tell my wife, would I please please don’t say those things to me. Even if you’re joking. Because I feel like oh, I am in fat. You know, and I’m like, really? How husband? How wife will feel like if their husbands will say those things, oh, my wife is out of shape. She can run this this far. Whatever. How will you wife will feel like if the husband will say those words. Did I say those words to you? You don’t say those words to me? No. Well, why don’t say those words. To me. The reason why I say that is because I hear some some of our friends some people that we know that we said no. I feel like no, my wife is like constantly sometimes she says I I love you so much that you don’t even you don’t know how much I love you. And I feel the same way I feel like you know, like, he just this morning when I said I, you know, sometimes you, you told me that you love me that I had no idea how much you loved me. And I feel I feel the same way. I only trust that you love me. And I said, you can compare how much I love you. Because I love you more. And all those things. You know, sometimes I do other things just like Oh, honey, thank you so much. I really appreciate those things. And what you do, or is he said to me? And you know, just to be clear all those things about my wife, none of them. Say that to me. In sometimes when we have some discussion, and I mean, not arguments, some serious conversation. You know, we are aware of off, we’re not trying to hurt each other, we are not trying to hurt each other. But we try to find what happened. As painful as it is. We had to find out what happened. And she’s always calmly and, you know, encouraging.

21:08
And, you know, I love to hear when when I say like, you know, I made a mistake. I apologize. I’m sorry. And then, you know, my wife says like, it’s okay, you know, I forgive you. And I feel like me who feel I personally? I feel like okay, I still I still have my wife back, something like that. I don’t know how to describe you know? I don’t know, just just sometimes. I I feel that for all your husbands. I I feel your your pain? Because I’ve been there. I’ve been there for so many years, that you feel like there is no way there is no way to get out. Especially the board start coming up. You know, you don’t focus about anything you don’t you’re not focusing about serving your wife? Absolutely not. You’re trying to come is kind of like your focus about how to take revenge. I don’t know if that makes sense. I feel like you’re taking revenge. Like, what is it that she’s getting it? What is it that she’s you know, I’m getting it? So we I can’t, I don’t know? Or has our wives you know, think about this revenge. And I’m like, Well, what good is want to come out for that? Oh, guaranteed nothing, I will guarantee nothing come up. It will be just just you guys are our argument all the time. Friends, and I want to talk to each other families, that you spend that for years. I feel like if if you are encouraged to just choose, you know, talk to talk to Bella, see, see how you feel. And I don’t know, it just is I don’t I don’t know what what to say. But just to see how you feel, if she understands. And if you’re ready to make that step. You know, do what you have to do. If you may, if you feel like she understands you, if you feel like you understand where you’re coming from. And then if you don’t feel like like that, and then you know you the good things you’re looking for help. That’s a good thing looking for and that way you’re looking for help. Mine is not not not having that, you know, you’re looking for help. And that is very, very good to knowledge that, you know, see how you feeling it. But if you’re if you’re not, if you don’t think you feel comfortable or anything like that, you know, find somewhere else that that might be able to help you even more. You know, and but I believe I believe that she you know, I? I don’t understand how she understand me. i i Don’t you know this husband says like how do you understand us? Like the way that we think and how we do and what we said

24:27
Isn’t he amazing? All right. Well, I am so grateful that you tuned in and you listened in this week. I want to invite you if you are a husband or a wife, I’ve been doing Clarity Calls actually for wives now for about several months and they’ve just been so fulfilling and so wonderful to really speak one on one with you to hear your story and hear where you’re coming from and where you want to go and kind of throughout that conversation I’m trying to discern, okay, is this someone that I can really help in, and you know that I want to feel like they’re the right fit for one of my programs. And if that’s the case, then I may invite them, and I may, you know, process with them what that would look like. And, you know, if not, they get a ton of clarity and by God’s grace, you know, women on those calls with me leave thinking through things that they never have before. And, and I have had that feedback before. And I also am careful, because there’s not everyone that I feel my program is the right fit for. And so I try to be really careful about who and when I offer something to the particular person, what I’m offering to them, if it’s really going to be the right fit for them, and their situation. Now, it’s really cool. I have just been, you know, given such good. How do I describe it, God has done so much with my work. So I want to just share with you what he’s done is the podcast has been awarded 19th of the top 30 relationship podcasts out there. So that’s amazing. And I work with therapists, and some of these therapists actually coach other marriages, or they work with they, you know, work with other marriages on other aspects of their marriages. And, you know, I’ve been consulted by sex therapists to receive advice for their clients, and my materials are used with licensed sex therapist with their own clients. And, you know, I’m just so grateful. Today, someone I’m working with, she’s a licensed therapist, and she was like, she’s like, You are really good. And I was really honored because she is the type of person that doesn’t just give out compliments. So it’s, it’s really amazing what God does. And I say that because I want you to have a little bit of backing behind what my husband just shared in some of the advice that’s on this podcast by God’s grace, it is changing lives, and you can have hope that your marriage can transform. And so what I want to do is open these Clarity Calls to not just women, but also men, because right now, I’m actually accepting men into a pilot program of masculinity reclaimed, be respected, enjoy fierce intimacy, and love being married again. That’s what this program is called. And that’s really the focus is, is to help men really understand what is repelling their wives, from wanting to make love. And instead, what is going to motivate her and bring her to a place where she wants to make love. She is enjoying the whole experience, and how do you make it enjoyable and exciting for her? And where are the, you know, the breakdowns of communication between the two of you? And how do you get your marriage on the right path. So this is a phenomenal pilot program. It’s definitely the lowest investment it’ll ever be. But I want to make sure it’s the right fit for you. So if you go to dy M, sorry, www.dy M dot A s dot m, e, you and I can get on a call, and we can chat through Is this the right fit for you. And that’s again, a free 40 minute call, where I can speak with you about this potential. And you chuck through the challenges you’re having, and see if you know this is the right thing to really transform what’s going on for you. God bless you, I hope that you have a phenomenal rest of your day and that this was an encouragement for you. I want to pray for you before we go, Lord, whoever is listening on the other end of this line, I asked her that this would be encouraging and inspiring. And

29:00
thank you so much for my husband and thank you for his heart for the people that are listening, that we we and he prays for them all the time. And I just ask God that you would honor those prayers and change lives. Change hearts, change the wives back to the husband change the husband’s back to the wives, Lord, honor those marriage commitments those vows God in Jesus name, we pray for change. In Jesus name. We thank you for all that you’re doing all over the world, that you are causing that change to happen. I pray that you would continue to do it. Amen. Alrighty, I will talk to you next week. Bye.

29:44
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion.

205-Words in Sex

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Words are important. They can cause a wildfire or a passionate flame in your bedroom.

Outside of the bedroom:

We can be hurtful and careless with our words and say “Oh he’s my husband”. Does that sound familiar? But is he really JUST your husband? That is God’s son you’re dealing with.

If you want to get your words in line with God’s will, one of the first things that needs to be done is to APOLOGIZE. Just get it out of the way. It’s hard, especially if it’s not part of the culture of your marriage. But it’ll get easier the more you do it!

When words are on purpose, intentional, and aligned with what God wants your husband to hear, then it’s easy to truly become ONE FLESH. Generous lovemaking becomes more natural to both of you.

Now onto the SEXY STUFF:

What CAN you say in sex?
Is God okay with you saying seductive phrases to your husband?
Could God even WANT you both to use your words to turn each other on?
What is going to encourage the bond between you and your husband?
If he’s aroused and you’re not (and vice versa!) — how do you turn each other on?
If you have a higher drive — it’s not your fault–but what actions can you take?
What about fantasy, sexy texts, and whispering attractive things in his ears?
So you might say “but I feel like I’m just FAKING IT?” or “It’s not my personality”. There’s plenty you can do!

Sexy language is going to feel silly at first. Just like when you study a new language! As you practice it, you get less awkward and you’ll push through and take courage in your marriage bed!

Resources:

I want to invite you on a FREE 40-minute Clarity Call with me if these are things that you struggle with and you feel very far away from being able to feel free in your sexual intimacy. It is extremely gratifying when you have the sexual intimacy you and he crave! Go to this website to schedule a chat with me: http://www.dym.as.me/

What happens at Clarity Calls? Well, we dig deep into what the issues are and I’ll listen and take notes. We’re going to talk about your dreams and desires and we would go through what would it look like to bridge the gap. I’m going to determine if you would be the right fit for my program and talk through the details and maybe invite you to be one of the few clients I take on this month.

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29:44
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion.

206-Playful sex life

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Productiveness IS good, but we forget that we’re not just human doers — we’re also human beings.

Take the story of Martha and Mary. Martha was working hard and being productive FOR JESUS. Mary was calmly sitting, being still and LISTENING TO JESUS. Both were Godly women. And Jesus even defended Mary for “choosing the good part” when Martha accused her of not DOING.

Consider how Jesus modeled JOY and DELIGHT — not just productivity. He certainly “did” a lot, but he also had breakfast with his friends, ate dinner and drank wine (sometimes he was even accused of being a drunkard!) and little children ran to him. He must have been pretty enjoyable to be around if even little children want to run up to the revered Rabbi.

If you are ALWAYS thinking that “God wants me to be productive. I need to do this and that…” then I challenge you to sit back, listen to Him, and just take delight in His presence.

We can also apply this to our sex lives. What if sex was fun and filled you up? And it’s not just about sex. Being FUN and PLAYFUL in the bedroom EXTENDS to how you interact with your husband daily.

In this podcast episode, you’ll discover…

Why sex can actually be fun!
Sex doesn’t have to be miserable – I encourage you to reverse it even if you’ve endured it for years and years!
It can still be passionate, playful, purposeful — like how it was in the beginning!

How does fun and playful sex affect us:

We empathize easier with our husbands and other people too
We rewire our brains to see, think, and do as God wants us to
When we’re not constantly doing and we have margin in our lives that comes through playing

We serve a God that loves us. He wants us to know that:

His love is deeper and wider and truer than we can imagine.
He truly wants us to enjoy our lives.
He created physical stimuli like laughing when we are tickled. Why? Because all the joys we feel when hugged, kissed, or touched — it is proof of God’s unfathomable deep and true love for us.

SCARED to START BEING PLAYFUL? I’m curious where that fear is coming from? I have Clarity Calls set up especially to get at the root of how you feel underneath the behavior.

If you go to www.dym.as.me for a 40-Minute FREE conversation with me to understand where you are in your marriage.

If you’re distraught or even if you’re on the edge of divorce, by God’s grace, a Clarity Call may be exactly what you need to gain hope and discern next steps FOR YOU.

transcript

0:20
Hey there belah rose here, I just wanted to take a moment to talk about really why sex can actually be fun. You know, I’ve been doing this podcast in this ministry for several years. And I’m so grateful for it. I’m so grateful for the women that share with me and really open up to me, not just through my Clarity Calls free Clarity Calls, if you’re interested. I love talking to women, one on one to really understand the obstacles. Why are they not enjoying the marriage that they longed to enjoy? Whether it’s, you know, one that’s passionate and playful and purposeful, or just not miserable, like they’ve been enduring for maybe years and years. And you know, by God’s grace, I really get a chance to walk women through, you know, what obstacles what their? What’s the difficulty right now. And ultimately, where do they want to go and see how we can bridge that gap. And potentially, I’ll talk through if it’s a fit to work with me directly. So I encourage you just go to www.dy m.as.me, I’ll have the link in the notes. But go there in and so we can have that, let’s say 40 minute conversation, it’s free. And you and I can really share and understand where you are, and really be a listening ear for you. But a lot of times these women will tell me of how difficult their marriages are. And, you know, I listened because that’s really what clarity is calls about is helping them get clear on what the challenges are. Because a lot of times we don’t face those things, we don’t look at those things because they’re too hard. And instead, we numb them, and we numb ourselves away from them. And I’ve been a number. For me. Emotional Eating is my numb coping mechanism of choice. And that’s not good. But I will say that, you know, at my worst, that’s what my numbing mechanism is. But we all have it essentially. But what I want to really encourage you to do is understand that sex can be really fun, that your marriage and your sex life can be really fun. And it should be, it should be a place where you laugh, and enjoy. I love the quote that says laugh often, because it’s the cheapest medicine, something like that. And it’s just fun to realize that the more playful and the more excited and enjoy full your sex life is, the more it’s going to actually empower the rest of your life. And the more fun and playful the rest of your life is. It’s going to also empower your sex life. So I believe that God wants us to enjoy his life. I believe he wants us to be people that that love what he’s made for us. You know, just the fact that God created laughter makes me know and tickles. Oh my gosh, I have these little boys. They love tickles. They can’t get enough. Oh my goodness, we that’s like one of their favorite things is to jump on the bed and, and tickle. And just the fact that we have those responses in our body that I have no clue the purpose of tickles like what is the function? You know, in terms of a serious scientific way? What is the function of a tickle, of having a response to physical stimuli that makes you laugh. But I think we serve a God that loves us. You know that His love is deeper and wider and truer than we can ever even imagine. And so of course he would want us to enjoy our lives. He would want us to enjoy what we do. Because I don’t think we can love others. Well, when we are not able to enjoy our own lives, how can we want to comfort and want to be there for others when we’re miserable and when we’re in pain?

4:52
You know, I talk about that often that that you know horses I love horses I grew up riding Horses. And you know, in New York City where I live at Central Park, there’s a ton of these horses that pull carriages. And they have these blinders on that keep them from seeing the road, because if they saw the road, they would get scared. And they would spook, which would mean they would like jump. And that would obviously, mess up the whole carriage riding experience if your horse was jumping and bucking because they got scared by a oncoming bus. But with these blinders, they can’t see what’s coming, they can’t see what’s around them, they’re only focused on kind of their track that’s straight ahead of them. And that’s a good thing because it’s productive. But in in our lives, I think that’s what pain does, I think pain causes us to have these blinders on. So the only thing that we’re seeing is what’s directly ahead of us. And we don’t see, you know, that there might be a homeless person on the side that needs some help, or that this, this person could use an extra hand and we could, you know, get him on the carriage to and, you know, we could see these other things in our lives. But when we’re in so much pain, when we’re really suffering in our marriages, for example, we can’t see what’s going on around us. And so what I want to encourage you to do is just to recognize the value of playfulness and fun. And I think for me growing up, I was in this really productive kind of understanding of life, like you’re not doing a good thing, if you’re not productive enough, like that is one I mean, that’s next to godliness is productivity. And I think, you know, it’s not just me, that’s a lot of the American work ethic. And I think, globally, even work ethic is a lot of times about what you can get done being productive. And we forget that we’re not just human doers, we’re human beings. And you take the story of Mary and Martha, in the gospels were Martha was working, she was hosting, she had people at her house, and she understood that there was work to be done, that they needed to, you know, have a clean place to sit and they needed, you know, I I bet she was preparing food. And, you know, in those days, like, preparations for people to come over. I mean, that wasn’t just picking up stuff. That was it wasn’t just going to the grocery store. I mean, that was intense labor to make sure that they had the wheat ground and they had, you know, whether it was fish that they were making that that was caught and uncooked, and at you know, going to the market maybe or there was just intense, maybe all day preparations for getting it ready for people to come to their house. And so Martha was busying herself, doing what Honestly, even thinking about it in modern times, I mean, that seems completely appropriate. And even godly for her to be doing those things. And Martha is watching her sister, sit and listen to Jesus, instead of help her with what you would think is Mary’s responsibility, that they’re the hostesses of the house. You know, all these people are here, listening to Rabbi of, you know, this famous rabbi, at least if they’re not convinced he’s yet the Son of God. So they feel like they’re serving God, how how much holier and more important could that be? And yet, what Jesus tells Martha, is, when Martha says, shouldn’t Mary be helping me.

9:10
And Jesus tells Martha, he says, Mary is sitting at my feet, listening to the Word, and she has chosen the good part, and it will not be taken from her. So I just encourage you, if you are thinking, you know, I have to be productive. You know, that’s who God’s made me to be. He’s made me to be a woman of productivity. And I get that, and I myself, love to get things done and have a to do list and prioritize it and then, you know, boom, boom, boom, knock off those, those priorities. But I also want to recognize like, make sure that you are living a life that’s sustainable. That is, you know, acting in, I think the way that God wants you to act. And I think, actually having fun is a big part of that, you know, because Mary, she wasn’t doing what people expected, she wasn’t doing the productivity. She in a lot of ways was resting. You know, you could, you know, argue that her just sitting and resting and relaxing and, and listening and soaking up I mean, that was enjoying. And, you know, I just see that, you know, when Jesus sat, and the children wanted to come to see Jesus, you know, and the disciples rebuked them and said, No, no, no, don’t, don’t come close to the rabbi, you know, Don’t come close to this, you know, incredibly important man, the Son of God don’t come close. And Jesus said, no, no, no, Let the children come to Me. You know, that takes a very soft heart, a heart that that wants to be around children that wants to gather the children to him. I think of that as a Jesus that smiles and laughs with children. I mean, why would the children want to come up to a serious, angry, mean person? That’s not it. Jesus was not that way. He exuded love, he exuded grace, he exuded kindness that even attracted little children that wanted to run up to him and embrace him. So I just asked you to consider like, Jesus modeled joy and delight. He modeled and, and wanted us to rest. He didn’t want us to be productive all the time. And I think that’s true in your sex life. Because when you can enjoy sex, when you can have fun in sex, it’s going to make you want to want sex more. Because if it’s not this serious thing, a lot of women are just like, in this zone of, okay, I’ve got to do sex, like, that’s, you know, what’s gonna make my husband happy, that’s what’s gonna, you know, invest in our marriage and make sure that we are connected, and there’s Pete some peace in this house. We don’t approach it in a way that’s gonna make us want to enjoy it. I mean, it’s not filling our cup. It’s where we’re just serving or just pouring out. And I get that that sometimes is the thing that motivates us to start making love. Maybe it’s like, okay, we need to make love. It’s been a couple of days, let’s do this. But what if sex was actually something that was fun, and actually filled you guys up? Because it was playful and exciting, and teasing and seductive? And, you know, what if you as a woman, took it upon yourself to say, how can I make our sex life fun. And when I say sex life, I don’t mean just having sex. I actually mean your whole life together, having just a playfulness, and sexual fun together. So you know, when the kids aren’t looking, you’re rubbing up against each other, or you’re grabbing a feel or whispering in each other’s ears, seductive phrases. You know, these are things that make things more fun, you’re teasing each other. And you actually have fun together. And then not just sexual things. I also encourage just plain old playfulness. So I got the opportunity. It was my birthday, several months ago, and

13:52
I just, I wanted to do something that scared me. And, and it did really scare me. But it was something that I just felt like it was it was not just a fear, but it was something that I wanted to do. And I’ve wanted to do probably my whole life. And I don’t know, it was just something that was like, this is really scary, but I want to do it. So I performed stand up comedy. And I texted, I don’t know, 1015 friends a month and a half beforehand. And I said, Okay, I’m going to do stand up comedy you can do it’s gonna be an open mic night. This day. would love, love, love for you to come. And yeah, I’ll see you then. Alright, so then, for that month and a half, I had thought that I had a phenomenal routine. And I was talking to my friend about it. And she’s like, so are you going to practice? Are you going to go somewhere and try it out? And I was like, Oh no. Oh, I, you know, I’m gonna do this as a once and done kind of thing. I’m gonna do my my show for my friends. And that’s it. And she was like, oh, no, Bella, you got a, you got to practice this thing, you got a bomb in front of strangers so you can be prepped and ready for your friends. So that was what I did. I took her her response and or her feedback. And I it went ahead and did exactly as she suggested. And yeah, my first time I absolutely bombed. It was, it was pretty brutal. In fact, I remember one of my jokes was something like saying, saying funny things to strangers. And I was like, it was basically off the cuff for me to be like that, essentially, no one laughed at my joke. And then I was like, Well, you guys clearly aren’t as good of a person as me or something like that. And that’s the thing they laughed about, because I was doing so badly. So then, luckily, that was my first time and I had a couple of weeks to tweak and, in fact, completely throw out my original routine and make a new one. And guess what it was about marriage. So it was pretty depper, self deprecating, it was about marriage. And it was about how wonderful it is to be married. And there was some, yeah, some some stuff that hopefully inspire the audience to be like, Yeah, that’s actually a good thing. And sex and marriage is really the best. So the point of the matter is that when you start things, and you start making changes, it’s going to be uncomfortable, and you might just fall in your face. And you can just laugh at yourself about it, because it’s the first time you’re making awkward, uncomfortable changes. And that’s okay. Luckily, after that first bombing, I did try that new routine again. And it went great. And then the third time was the actual stand up comedy, you know, real live one where I, you know, went went with my, with all my friends. And so that was my third and final stand up comedy experience, and it went great. And it was just so fun. And yep, it was scary. But

17:41
I just, I had a blast. It was so fun. So I just encourage you, you know, Where where are some things that you’re just scared of? And so you’re listening to me right now. And you’re like, I’m way too scared to be playful with my husband, or there’s just this awkwardness between us or there’s just a level of insecurity between us. And I encourage you, you know, why not? Try? Why not fall in your face. I mean, this is the person that you’re going to be with for the rest of your life. Like, maybe they’re not, quote, the safest person to be silly with right now. But until you start, it’s not going to get better. So are you gonna stay for decades in your marriage without having playfulness and fun and joy? Oh, my gosh, don’t do that to yourself. A tiny bit of fear. You know, I and, you know, do stand up comedy, if you you want a lot of fear. But if not, if you want a little bit of fear in front of the person that the pledge to love you forever, like, that’s good. That’s okay. That’s a good thing. So I encourage you, you know, if this is really different for you, for you, guys, and you’re going to start trying new things with him. I would encourage you to have a quick conversation. When you guys are both at a really good emotional spot outside of the bedroom outside the context of you know, we’re about to make love just something random. You just be like, Hey, babe, I am. I wanted to talk to you about something. I, I’d like to start being a little bit more adventuresome in the bedroom. And I’d really appreciate positive feedback from you. It’s gonna be really vulnerable for me as we get started doing this kind of stuff. It’s actually going to be very scary. I know that might sound strange, but it’s actually going to be scary for me. But I would love just having Yeah, we’d love having your positive feedback. That’s something you could do. And then what that does is first of all, yes, I understand that’s a vulnerable vulnerable thing to share because it’s true. You’re expressing your heart, you’re expressing what your desire is, but you’re expressing it in a really attractive female way. And I, I cannot tell you how much he would appreciate that you want to make things better in your sex life because he loves making love to you, he loves it. And so for you guys to want to go to the next aspect of that, being open about how you’re going to make changes are going to get him more prepared for those changes, as well as recognize that you want to hear his feedback that that’s going to help you. And that any negative feedback that in the moment he might think is just funny. He wouldn’t realize that that is going to hurt you because you are putting yourself out there so far. It’ll show him that. That you really crave His his positive feedback. So yeah, so I just encourage you, you know, get your your sex life into a fun zone, there’s, there’s so much good, plain ol joy to be had around sex. And, you know, make sure that you’re having fun in other areas of your life too. Because again, you want to have joy, I mean, that’s one of the fruits of the Spirit. So live into that so you can bring others along. The joy of the Lord is our strength. That’s what’s supposed to strengthen us in this life. You know, when you’re strong in the joy of the Lord, you can laugh at what the enemy is trying to do to you. You can laugh at the days ahead. I mean, that’s something about the Proverbs 31 woman is she, she laughed at the future. You know, I want you to be able to laugh. You’re knowing that your husband is right there with you. You guys have this playfulness this fun, you know, by God’s grace, that’s one of the big characteristics of our relationship is we have these just playfulness jokes with each other. And, yes, their seriousness, yes, there’s prayer. Yes, there’s times, you know, of mourning and sadness and times that we need to carry each other. But there’s also such great times of joy and fun, you know, that that we slip and slide on iced mud? Well, it wasn’t a mud puddle, but it was a big, big puddle of water. You know, with our kids were slipping and sliding and having the biggest time, you know, these are normal things for our family, because it infuses our life and relationship with so much fun and joy. So that yeah, the hard times, we can pull others long, we can encourage others, you know, a lot of things in life are hard. So don’t let your marriage be one of those things, get it into the place where it is fine, where it is joyful, where that’s not the thing that you’re suffering through day after day after day. Instead, you’ve got an incredible marriage so that the other things in life can be done. So you can love other people, you know, where you’ve got the space emotionally in, in and even energetically to do God’s will. We’ve got energy for it. Okay, so I just encourage you, you know, I want to help you I’ve, by God’s grace, I love helping women. You know, in my program, there’s women that literally so quickly, have transformed their marriages within short weeks, patterns that have been going on, have have transformed within three, four weeks, that something that’s been going on for 25 years are transformed. By God’s grace, a woman told me about a miracle in her marriage where her husband was really unwilling to support the family. And she was just, she was distraught. She felt like they were on the edge of divorce. They were so angry at each other. There was so much discord, not happiness, not joy. And by God’s grace, just in I think it was for four weeks with me.

24:16
She said there was a miracle that her husband went out and, and apply for a job and on his own volition, and went in and got it. And then he’s supporting the family. And then she says, You know, I’m actually happy to see him come through the door. And that was like in less than a month. And you know, what’s so funny is around the same time after that amount of sessions, he emails me to say, I don’t know what you did. I don’t know what you said to my wife. I don’t know if she’s doing everything you said. But this woman is a different woman. And she’s like the woman I thought I married or the woman I wish I had married. So I just want to encourage you like, you don’t have to do this on your own. You don’t have to listen to this and be like, Okay, I’m not implementing that. Or, or, you know, I wish I had that kind of marriage, but I don’t. So there’s really no choice for me in the matter. Like, that’s why I do this work is to help women through that. So, you know, who knows, who knows what God wants to do in your marriage, and who knows, maybe the next few months, walking with me working with me one on one is actually going to transform that. So you can do more of God’s will. And you can have a lot of fun in it. And you guys can have fun for the next decades of your marriage, and you don’t have to suffer for 25 years, before you actually get it figured out. So you can again, do God’s work more so in this world. So if that’s you, if this is tugging on your heart, like I said, I’d love to get on that clarity call with you. There’s no commitment, it’s 40 minutes, most of the time, just gonna be listening, I’m going to try to help you sort through, you know, what are the obstacles in your way? What are the things you know, sometimes a listening ear of someone who gets what, what the challenges are in marriage and what the challenges are insects, the shame, the pain. Sometimes that’s actually a hugely healing experience. So once again, you can go to www.dy M dot A s dot, M E, and like I said, I’d love to be that person to support you. And if it feels like the right fit, I might invite you to be one of one of the few people that I work with this month. So by God’s grace, I just, you know, want to leave you with a prayer that God would impact you and your life, draw you closer to him, and your marriage more in line with his heart. So Father, in the name of Jesus, the woman, the man that’s listening to this father, I just ask that they would grow closer to you, God, no matter what, Father that they would end this podcast, wanting more of you wanting more of your will, wanting more of your guidance. Lord, You are God, and you’re the God of the universe. God in our little tiny light afflictions here on Earth is nothing compared to what eternity is going to look like God. But I asked for every woman listening every man listening Father God, that they would recognize that what they do here on earth is going to matter any eternity. So if they are distracted by a horrific marriage, God may they make wise choices so that that changes so that it is changed. So that eternity is different for them for their family, for the those that depend on them, those that look to them, that they would be a role model for others, God give them the grace, the the gumption to change, to recognize the opportunity to change God and be your will that they would get on a clarity call with me if it be there, your Will God, they would recognize the need for support for guidance for help through this next season, father, and if be there, your Will God that they would work with me, God. Lord, I love working with women. I love that this is the ministry I get to do to help women change. And so I pray, Father God, that you would do the work that only you can do, you would change hearts. Lord, you would do what you need to do God and make this a really fun, fun marriage for them a fun, joyful experience for them that the joy of the Lord would be their strength. God. We love you. We love you in Jesus name, amen. Awesome. Okay, well, I’m excited to talk to you next week. On my next episode, God bless you bite

203-Your Sex-Life Impacts Your Kids

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As a mother, you would do ANYTHING for your children.

What does that have to do with making love to their father? Well, A LOT. In fact, their eternity is at stake. Really.

Your marriage teaches your kids to treat others, adults and themselves.
Your marriage teaches them what a healthy relationship/marriage looks like and that they want one.
Your marriage shows them that a relationship with Jesus is fun and worth picking the right spouse and waiting for it!
Your marriage shows them what character means.
Your sex life is foundational to all of this…
- Your husband can be an incredible dad
- He can be focused on his family not the temptations of the world

Other things covered:

How sex satiety and desire for sex occurs in opposite ways for women and men
Why your children need to be well-liked by adults (and that’s your job)World-renowned psychologist mentioned: Jordan B. Peterson
When you’re a whole woman, totally emotionally held and loved in your marriage you have a far greater capacity to be a present, teaching, loving but wise mother (rather than a resentful, haggard and push-over stressed-out mother)

Excited for you to dive deep into how to transform your marriage!

transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah rose.

0:21
Hey there and welcome. This is belah rose, and you are listening to the delight your marriage podcast. And I want to welcome you, and thank you for taking time out of your day, you know, whatever you’re up to, you might be walking around the park or, you know, playing well, I don’t know what you’d be playing and listening to this, but you might be doing laundry or, you know, on your way to work or, there’s so many things, but I just so appreciate that you spent the time to let me be a part of your day. And you. Yeah, you allow this to impact you in whatever way that yeah, whatever, you know, nuggets God wants to to receive, or think about, I just am praying that this would impact you in that way. And you know, and that you would take the things that are gonna empower you and be light to you in life to you, and bring you closer to Jesus and more aligned with his will. And the things that just aren’t applicable to you, you’ll just not even think about again. So that’s my prayer for you as you listen to this. But you know, I’m actually walking around a few here, some things in the background are me kind of breathing a little bit more heavy, is that I’m actually walking around San Diego right now. And this is my first time in the in the city, but it’s beautiful. It’s a beautiful day out. You know, I live in North. I don’t know what I was gonna say I live in New York. And so being in the warm San Diego area is really nice this time of year. But I’m here because I was able to be part of a conference. And it was really amazing. Because it’s really teaching me how to grow to light your marriage in the appropriate way. So I was able to spend this you know, day, really praying through how to grow this ministry and how to grow it in a way that aligns with God’s heart, and how he wants to grow it. As well as what’s wise. You know, I talk often about Proverbs, and how important wisdom is, you know, so I can’t just pray and expect that, you know, everything is gonna fall in my lap, I also have to wisely understand what it means to grow a business well, all that to say the audio quality is not as good on this episode, as I typically have. And I hope you’ll forgive me for that. But let’s go ahead and get started to talk about why your sex life dramatically impacts your kids.

3:06
With your husband affects your children. Because I think so often, we expect it does it. We think that we think it’s just about us, we think it’s just about, you know, our hearts and our hurt. But it doesn’t affect our children. And what I want to tell you about is is extremely, extremely interlinked. So years ago, when I was doing some webinars, a woman reached out to me, she had actually read my book, to let your husband and she, she said, I just want to thank you so much for what you’re doing, and encourage you. Because that’s actually at a time that, you know, I had recently started some of the more I guess, courageous parts of this ministry. And I you know, I was I was needing support really, and I responded to her and I said, something along the lines of oh my gosh, thank you for the encouragement. You know, sometimes it’s very scary doing this work and, you know, not having a lot of support for it. And you know what she said, she said, she’s got several kids. She’s just an amazing woman of God. I’ve spoken to her, since she’s just incredible. And she said, the best thing I can do for my children’s eternity is to make passionate love to their father. And like even thinking about it, and saying it out loud again, like just gives me goosebumps because it’s like, wow, for someone have such character and love for Jesus to say, you know, the best thing she can do for her kids eternity is to make passionate love to their father. Like whoa, what does that mean? And so, you know, what I want to talk to you about is exactly that. You know how sex affects your kids. Because, you know, basically what, what healthy and generous intimacy does for you too, is it allows you to have a connection that makes you better parents. It makes you better people, you know, that brings you closer to Jesus that brings you peace, and compassion, and the fruits of the Spirit, and it brings it to him, you know, when he’s not sexually frustrated, he has a space that he can. He has an emotional space that he can then bring to his children. So there’s several things I want to mention. It’s, it’s interesting on my private Facebook group for women, I talk about this, I talk, I asked a question to the group, I said, you know, what negative effects does a bad marriage have on children. And you would not believe that the really sad stories that I heard, you know, just the hard and hurt filled stories that were involved in, responding to that post, you know, some women talked about how, you know, their parents argued all the time, and, you know, they didn’t want to be around, or their parents should have gotten divorced, because there was all this dis ease. And it teaches their their kids how to be, essentially how to have bad relationships, and, you know, they just have a lot of pain, you know, that these women have gone through. And, you know, that’s how they grew up. And so, you know, I want to kind of talk about, I want to piece it out for you, as to why there’s so much reason to value your sex, your sex life, because when it’s healthy, when it’s great, you get a chance to have a wonderful, wonderful place for your kids to grow up. So one of the first things is that I think is really wonderful about an amazing connection and intimacy is it’s a safe place for you and your husband. And that’s really important. Because what that does is when you have the vulnerability that you have established, and honed and grown through generous lovemaking, that allows you to have honest conversations with each other. What that allows you to do is open up a dialogue that you can say, Honey, I made a mistake. I said this to my son and our son and I, I just shouldn’t have that was, I feel really bad about it. And I don’t know what to do next. And what that does, when you have the safety of generous and amazing intimacy in your marriage, that allows you to be okay to admit, it’s okay to admit those things. And it gives space, it safety for your wife to say, Oh, wow, you know, honey, I’ve done similar things. And, you know, let’s work on this together, let’s, let’s figure out a solution. Or, you know, Honey, I love you. And I know that you’re our son is is going to be okay. And God’s going to help him and protect him. And let’s figure out, you know, how to move forward in this, you know, because the thing is, when you’re ashamed, and you’re by yourself, that’s when the enemy just makes it deeper and deeper and deeper, and you feel isolated and alone. And you feel like, Oh, I’m a bad parent. And what that ends up doing is making it worse, that you can’t get out of that shame cycle. So maybe the next time you don’t discipline your kid and you need to, you know, but because you did it too much the day before, suddenly, you know, your child is, you know, becomes a monster, you know, because you don’t feel the safety of being able to bounce ideas off of and share the mistakes and the pain and the hardship that a lot of times parenting is I mean, Parenting is hard, man. I mean, oh my gosh, it’s hard. And you just have to rely on God. But if you don’t have someone else that’s helping you rely on God. Wow. That is incredibly, incredibly isolating and challenge and

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it’s just huge. So you want that safety in your marriage to be able to make mistakes, to be able to empathize with each other and to be able to hold each other up and help each other. You know, when one parent is struggling with anger, or even resentment towards their, their son, their daughter, you know, the other one can grab his hand, grab her hand and say, Honey, let’s pray about this. I would love to pray with you about about our child. You know, Father, we just ask that you would change our child’s heart, that you would, you know, cause them to do this, we ask God to make us better parents help us to be wise in this area. You know, that’s the kind of thing you want to be able to rely on each other to, you know, be iron, sharpening iron making each other better parents. Awesome. Well, that’s the first point. The next one is talking about getting rid of his sexual frustration. So I mentioned that a bit ago, but let me tell you something very real. A husband gets sexually frustrated. It literally is chemical. When he isn’t enjoying intimacy with his wife. There is a frustration, there is an inability to focus, and to be fully present, and to be able to walk in the fruits of the Spirit. Now, you know, you might say, well, you know, there are plenty of people in history that have, you know, been men and have walked in the fruits of the Spirit without needing sex. But what I will say is what Paul said, Paul said, you know, he said, If you burn with passion, get married. That’s what he said, If you burn with passion, get married. Because essentially, what he’s saying is get married, so you can then do God’s work. That’s the that’s the, that’s the message behind what he says is, is get on with it, get married, so that part is satisfied. So you can be empowered to do God’s work. Because essentially, if you don’t have the gift of singleness, if you don’t have a gift, I really loved how this is actually a gentleman who was a Franciscan monk. He wrote a book called something about the life of St. Francis or something like that. It’s a powerful book about the life of St. Francis. But anyway, he talks about how how, if it’s not a gift, that that if you haven’t been given the gift of singleness, I really think it is. Because, you know, we are sexual beings. That’s how God created us. When someone is even talking about sex, a lot of times it titillates another, just because you’re hearing you’re you’re being stimulated by the by the subject by the category of sex, but it’s not that you actually meet it or want it. You’re just, it’s just the fact that, you know, that’s the way God made us. And he made it on purpose. He made it extremely powerful, so that it can glue the two of you together so that you could do God’s work in this life. Because when you are on your own, there is danger. When you’re isolated, the enemy tries to wreak havoc on your mind. God did not design us to be alone. When Adam was alone in the garden, God said it was not good. God designed us to be in community with others. And you have if you haven’t been given the gift of singleness, and you are married, then sexuality is a huge part of that connection. And that is required for your health, in a marriage, for your for your calling and your mission. Your sex life is required and amazing sex life is necessary for you to do God’s work. That’s what Paul says, If you burn with passion, get married and get on with God’s will and get on with God’s work. So So yeah, so the frustration, you know that he feels naturally isn’t there when you guys have a connecting unifying sex life? Because then he has the freedom, the release the ability to then focus and have a

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ability to walk in the fruits of the Spirit love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control. He has those, he has that space to be able to do that. But if he is so focused on sex, it’s not possible. See, what women don’t understand is that when men who are married, don’t have sexual intimacy, their mind is tempted, you know, what a lot of women think, is, oh, if I give him more, he won’t get enough like, and that’s not the way it is. For men, they have essentially, a desire. And when that is satisfied, they are then they have freedom, they have more ability and space, in their mind, I think for women instead is the more women have sex, when the more they make love, the more they want it. So men, so men, it’s the opposite, the more they have sex are more satisfied. It’s like having a meal, you know, they’re like, that’s visual sexual feast. All of that amazing generosity and lovemaking is then ah, that was delicious. That was delightful. That was amazing honey. And then they’re satisfied. Until, you know, the appetite comes again. And they’re like, Ah, I want to love my wife, I want to be in love, I want to, you know, receive all those incredible, you know, chemicals, the release of oxytocin and, and serotonin, and all of those things that, that God has caused scientifically to be released in that intimacy. But for men, it’s satisfied. And for women, it actually provokes a greater desire, and a greater connection and a greater hunger for sex. So that’s why women don’t get it. We don’t get it. We’re like, if I give him more, he’s gonna want it every single day. But it’s different. It’s different. And, you know, I can go into that far deeper another time. Because certainly there’s, there’s, you know, peculiarities of each of each person and each couple. And that’s why I work with women one on one, because I love to help them with that. But yeah, it’s it’s different there. So. So what you’re doing is giving him space to be the man God wants him to be. You’re giving him that space between meals, where he’s happy, and enjoy enjoying his life. And when you enjoy your life, you’re a better person. If you’re better, you’re happier to be around, you’re more satisfied, you’re more patient. You know, you guys don’t squabble as much. And you know, this is true, when you kind of have sexual intimacy, you know, there’s peace in your house, you know, that tension isn’t there. And if you don’t know that, it’s because you haven’t been making love enough. You know, if you only make love once a month, then yeah, you probably don’t notice that because you’re like, it’s the same anytime, well, he probably makes love. And then he’s like, I don’t know, when this is gonna happen again. And it and it quickly goes back on this, this emergency light of like, I’m starving, and I don’t know when it’s, this is going to happen again. But if he knows, you know, this is our pattern two times a week, that’s at a minimum, what our lives will do, my wife is going to prioritize my desires. Because she knows me and loves me, you know, that he doesn’t have to worry, he doesn’t have to be concerned. So what that does is again, that helps him be a better father.

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Okay, so the next thing is, it allows you guys to be aligned with the way you approach situations with your kids. And the way you discipline your children, when you have a healthy sex life. It allows you guys to be unified, allows you guys to be a team. So you’re not undermining each other’s authority. So he doesn’t say one thing to your kids and you say something else. I mean, I remember growing up and my father used to say, well go ask the boss. And it was just this this horrible tension between the two of them of like, they discipline differently. They thought differently about parenting. It caused a lot of tension between them, but also confusion for us and a lot of times with kids I mean, we work discipline very strictly, but a lot of times with kids, it causes them not excuse me to be disciplined, well, whatever that means, you know, different kids require different types of discipline. I don’t mean, necessarily a certain type, I’m not advocating one over another. But I am saying that every child needs to be disciplined, every child needs to be taught the place of a child, and the place of the respect for adults, and that they need to be liked by others, they need to be socially acceptable and be able to interact and be kind and be brought up in the fruits of the Spirit. I mean, those are things that are going to serve them for their whole lives. And if they’re, the kids are not disciplined in that, because the parents are too busy being angry and hurt by each other. Why, then, you’re you’re creating a monster, and that monster will forever be be the be, be that monster. You only have a short window of parenting them. You know, this really great guy. Peterson. Let me get you his name. But what he says is, is he’s a psychologist, and he’s worked with, you know, he’s worked with parents for many, many years. And what he says is, yeah, Jordan B. Peterson. I love this guy. He’s a psychologist, he, he speaks a lot about the Bible, there’s certain things that I don’t think are aligned with walking with Jesus, necessarily the things that he says, But I will say that he has got phenomenal insights, that really are powerful, especially for men, to be aligned more with responsibility, and taking leadership, in life and in the home. So if you’re a male listening to this, check this man out, most of his audience are men. And it really calls you hire to be a man, a man that’s really seeking to do God’s will in your life. I really do. I mean, it’s all about character. So it’s Jordan B Peterson, but this guy is not to be trifled with, like he is a powerhouse. I really like him. But anyway, so anyway. But what he says is, between the ages of one and three are really your opportunity to cause your kid to be socially liked, and that is so important, that’s going to serve them for the rest of their lives. And then after that, it’s really continuing to guide them in that and what I believe is really up until the age of 12, do you have significant impact on their character and who they are. And after that, you know, it’s really just continuing to guide and continuing to influence those boundaries, but you have a lot less influence on their character and who they are. Once they kind of get their feet under them at 12. Before those teenage years. So when you guys are aligned in your approaches to your kids, that is a huge impact on your kid on your children and the people they become. It also causes you to have a safe, fun place for your kids to grow up. Find is extremely important in all of our lives. You know, I don’t really talk about this on this podcast every now and then, you know, we’ll have a laugh together. Or, you know, I’ll say some word. But that sounds funny, and we’ll laugh about it. But fun is extremely important in our lives. My husband and I have the most playful, enjoyable experience together and it feeds our souls. And that’s so important. Because if you don’t have fun,

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everything I mean everything serious. It’s just a, you know, it’s just work. Oh my gosh, when I get on Clarity Calls with women, you know, I do these Clarity Calls that I invite you to get on because what I do is I help women uncover the bandaid of what’s going on in their marriage. You know, I’ve done this for a long time. I’ve worked with many, many women. By God’s grace, this podcast is was awarded one of the top 30 podcasts of religious relationship podcasts on the net. So by God’s grace, I have insight to help women uncover that bandaid and a lot of times it’s exposing a stab wound that will kill their marriage. So I have the grace and the ability that God has given the Wisdom to help uncover what’s underneath. And that’s what these Clarity Calls that are 40 plus minutes of women getting on the phone directly with me to work on that for free. And then if I think I can help them, I may invite them to be one of the few women that I take on to work directly with. And if that’s the case, I’ll talk with them about my program. And that’s part of our call as well. But if I don’t think I can help you, and I don’t think I can help everyone, I won’t invite them while we’re on that call. But what it does, is when you have an incredible marriage, it’s playful, it’s fun, it’s exciting. It’s happy. You know, so what, what happens is, is, a lot of women, when I get on that clarity call with them. What they say to me is marriages work. And I’m like, what, you are definitely not experiencing marriage the way it should be experienced. Because marriage should be fun. Marriage should be exciting, and exhilarating and playful. That should be fine. That’s what marriage should be about. Because it’s going to fuel all this other stuff in your life, life can be a lot of suffering. And I tell you what marriage should not be part of that. Marriage should be fun, and enjoyable and exciting, and unifying. And if you don’t have that right now, you need to prioritize to get that. You need to have that release, and safety and pleasure and fun and playfulness between the two of you. Oh, my gosh, my husband and I have the funniest little things that we do with each other all the time. So like one thing, it’s even hard to like describe them all because they’re just so funny. While we think they’re funny, at least, but you might not. But yeah. Okay. So one is, let’s say make, my husband has like, you know, a bit of, he’s eating a cookie. And let’s say he has a crumb on his on his cheek. So I’ll like reach over and brush off the Chrome, you know, and I’ll wipe it and maybe the second wipe, I get the chrome off. But I’ll just continue to wipe his cheek maybe 1015 times, until he realizes that there was nothing there. And I just, I just kept going. Anyway, okay, so I think that’s pretty funny. So finally he catches me and he pushes my hand away. And we have a big laugh about how I tricked him. And anyway, so those are just, you know, the kinds of things that we’re just so playful about, it’s fun. You know, this is the man you’re spending the rest of your life with have fun, have things that you guys just have inside jokes about all the time. So playful, that’s what allows a wonderful sex life to be about. Because when you’re playful and fun, and that’s your culture. It goes inside the bedroom and outside of the bedroom. When you’re playful, it’s fun in seduction and intimacy in all the things all the silliness that it feels like to be wonderfully generous and wonderfully excited. Why that that spreads inside and outside the bedroom. Because what that does is it allows you to have the vulnerability to be silly inside the bedroom where you can feel silly in your whatever, you know, seduction outfit or in your the striptease that you’re doing, you can feel silly. And that’s okay. Because it’s a safe place between you and your husband. It’s fun. And it turns him on like crazy. But if you don’t have that fun, silly, playful safety in your marriage, I mean, it affects your sex life. So it goes both ways. And when you have that in your sex life, it goes into your marriage.

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The other thing that impacts your your kids is that they want to be married. It makes them want to be married because they see how great it is. They see how great it is to be married. They want that for themselves. They want to save their sex for marriage, because why would they? Why would they trade that beautiful thing for anything else? They want that and let me tell you the next thing I want to say is they then want to save sex till they’re married. Because they see how wonderful and powerful it is in the right context. That’s just to underline before what I said but they see how powerful it is. And because you and your husband are on the same page, you guys see, okay, we need to start talking to our kids about sex. So you Learn how to do it together, you’re aligned in that. And you’re the ones that write the script for your kids to understand sex, not the world. So when your kids ask questions about sex, they’re asking you, they feel safe with you. And they don’t ask Google. They don’t ask their friends. What they do is they come home, they hear a word at school, and they ask you about it. Because you guys have been wise to have those conversations. Because you guys have such a great sex life, you’ve decided to do that. And I know how to do that, and talk to them about it together, you know the value of that you know how important that is, that’s not awkward and uncomfortable. Because you and your husband are like, this is important. This is important to be aligned on to teach our, our kids the right way to approach it. And this is key, you know, when you feel really loved, this is the next one, when you feel really loved and fully loved in your marriage. You can love your kids better. When you don’t feel hurt, and lonely and in pain, you then have this emotional space to love your kids better. Oh my gosh, it’s incredible. You can love your kids better. So do not think that your sex life doesn’t impact your kids. Because when you feel whole, and unashamed, and held, when things are going really painful in your life, your marriage is the place where you have respite, where you can rest, where you can hold your head easily on his on his chest and just cry and he holds you and He listens to you. And you know what that comes from an amazing sex life. You need to make generous, amazing love to your spouse, or you can’t have that bond, you can’t have that connection. Because he is satisfying that craving of sex somewhere else. Let me not let me open your eyes. Do not kid yourself. If you are not making love with your husband, there is a way that he is satisfying that craving somewhere else. And you don’t want that you want to be the only thing that is satisfying that craving because that calls him up to be a man to you. Rather than satisfying that craving anywhere else. You know, my husband was addicted to pornography before we got together. And when I asked him to stop. You know, just recently I asked him what was his temptation? When I asked him to stop? You know, one out of 10 What was the temptation to go back to it? And he said it was 10 out of 10. And then I said, Okay, now that you know we have this fiery, incredible sex life that you were just, you know, you know, whatever you think it is, with our sex life. What is the temptation now? And he said one or two out of 10 one or too often just one. Because sex is that powerful pornography is at any man’s fingertips. And it’s that powerful. It is the drug of all drugs. And let me kid you not one out of every five searches on the internet, there are billions and billions and billions of people accessing the internet every day. And one out of five of those searches are for pornography.

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So do not kid yourself. It is rampant in our society. And if you are not generously making that happen in your marriage, your husband is satisfying it somewhere somehow else. I’m sorry to offend you. But if you if I’m not telling you the truth, you may be covering up a stab wound with a bandaid and it is eroding what God wants to do in your life. And in his because the man that’s addicted to pornography, whether it’s every day, every week, once a month, whatever. His conscious, his conscience is seared. It’s painful, it’s numb, there’s darkness and he’s not able to fully embrace Jesus. He feels guilty when he goes to church. He feels guilty. Over and over and over again ashamed. You may never know. You may never know men Men email me all the time, all the time, all the time, go to delight your marriage.com/husbands. And just read through some of the emails I get from husbands, just some. And then I don’t even include most of the email I’ve in that in that website, I, I’ve only included little snippets of what they’ve emailed me. But a lot of the email tells me about a lot of the temptation that they have, you know, that they only use porn sparingly or whatever, porn sparingly, you know, or whatever. And I’m like, I get you, because it’s not happening in your marriage. But, you know, if this could just transform, they wouldn’t have to experience that, and they could walk in God’s calling, and God’s will for their lives. So what else for kids? Does this impact having an awesome intimacy sex life, is your kids will have higher self esteem. Because what they then know is how husband and wife treat each other. Husband and wife respect each other husband and wife love each other. And so that teaches a child how to treat themselves. See, because kids, well, all humans, humans, teach other people how to treat them. We all teach other people how to treat us, what we are willing to accept, is how we will be treated. And so that’s with your kids, too. If your daughter feels like she’s a princess, she is not going to allow men to treat her like scum, she will not allow it, she will fight and scream and tell adults and she will absolutely not permit it. Your your son to he will not permit being bullied because he knows. He knows that he is more than that. He is better than that. And he knows that people are supposed to respect each other. Because he seen not with his parents, that that is not okay for people to teach, treat each other like that. So you want your child to have high self esteem, you want your child to respect themselves. And you teach them that by the way you treat your spouse. And that all starts in connection and unity and unification you guys have through your intimacy through the bedroom. Those are interrelated. What happens inside the bedroom happens outside of the bedroom that unification, the connection.

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The next thing that the next thing that really is related to that is it helps them value themselves in who they choose as a partner. You know, I speak to again, women on these Clarity Calls. And sometimes I’m just shocked, like, they have prayed for the partner that their child marries. And they don’t work to change their own marriage. So like, you want your kid to have a good marriage, but you don’t care about your own marriage. Because the best thing you can do is model it for your kids. You have to model it for your kids, whether it’s your marriage, whether it’s good character, whether it’s honesty. Not only tell them but your kids model what you do. Yes, you say it, you say it and do it. And that’s how kids learn. They watch what you do more than what they watch what you say. And so the way that you to treat each other the way that you guys are respecting and loving each other and generous to each other and serving each other. That then causes them to look higher in the way that they are choosing a spouse in the way that they’re choosing a dating

202-Wisdom > $$$

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What does money have to do with your marriage? Finances are often touted as the biggest reason for divorce… but get this: when you have an awesome sex life studies estimate that it’s equivalent to having an additional $100k per year! So… NO financial issues…

But there’s more, the BIGGEST financial DISASTER that can ever befall someone is divorce. SO an awesome marriage and sex life can either pay big $$$ or cost you a ton of money!

With all that said, how well are you prioritizing life so that your marriage is protected and your finances support it? WISELY.

The Bible is very specific: wisdom is more valuable than silver and gold… “nothing your heart desires can compare with her”. So, how high are you prioritizing wisdom to ensure you have an awesome marriage?

The cool thing is that Solomon first asked for wisdom and then God also gave him riches! So if you invest your finances into wisdom the rewards may also be material wealth!

I talk about the way to prioritize your life that is accorded with the Bible and how your money should reflect those priorities.

Right now I’m doing FREE Clarity Calls (I am not sure how long I’ll be able to do these as I have limited space) but on these we go 40 min to uncover the bandaid to discover what is underneath the surface issues of your marriage. If I feel like you’re the right fit and I can help you I may invite you to be part of my program: The Delighted Wife: Reclaim Your Sexuality, Live In Your Womanly Wisdom and Witness Him Transform Into Who You’ve Always Wanted. www.dym.as.me

Find out what is preventing you from having the marriage of your dreams? Sign up for a FREE Clarity Call quickly as my schedulle fills very quicly. www.dym.as.me

Looking forward to working with you one-on-one soon!

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Hey there, and welcome to the show. I am belah rose. And I’m really honored that you spent the time to listen to me today on the podcast. So essentially, what I want to talk about today is money versus marriage. Now, this is not an easy topic to talk about, in this day and age because as a society, money, trumps all other goods. I mean, the whole idea of the, quote, American dream is to, you know, go from rags to riches, isn’t it? But Is that Biblical? Is that a biblical notion? I mean, my husband and I have actually taught and facilitated financial stewardship courses, and we, ourselves are very budget oriented and very frugal, so much in our life is very creative, to save money. But at the same time, what we are not skimp. What we do not skimp on is what we believe, are most, most priority in our lives. And one of those things is tithing, which we believe is God’s order of things that that’s first and foremost, where we put our money is 10%, to our spiritual community. And secondly, is wisdom. So, after that, you know that our money is really in service to our values. And so when I talk to women on this podcast, and in my coaching, and you know, all of the different speaking engagements, what I do is say that, you know, your priorities should be this way, first God, then loving his people, and your first priority is your husband. Second is your kids. And then comes the rest of your ministry, whatever that looks like for you. And then after that comes your work, or your career, the way you make money should be after those things. And your finances should align in pursuing wisdom to support all of that, that your income should be supporting those values. If you’ve listened to the podcast before, you know, at the very end, I have my announcer encourage you to live with wisdom, love and passion. And the reason I say that is because those are the three words that I essentially would hope that I have lived out in this life. That kind of anchor me when I think about my funeral, or what will be put on my tombstone, that’s truly what I hope will just be written there. And that’s what I endeavor. It’s also something I’ve painted in big letters in my in my house. So I just keep that at the forefront of my mind. And it’s been something that I’ve sought after for years, because wisdom is truly what God wants us to be pursuing. Right? If you just, you know, do a really quick, you know, open to any page in Proverbs, you’ll see the value of wisdom. And Solomon was the wisest man that ever lived. And so when he talks about pursue wisdom, pursue knowledge, he even says, buy it, purchase wisdom, purchase knowledge, purchase instruction, he talks about wisdom, being more valuable than gold and silver and he even says, Nothing you can desire compares with her. I mean, you would think he’s, I mean, I don’t know what he could be describing other than God, but he’s talking about wisdom of how important wisdom is. And so you know, Proverbs is actually my favorite chapter because I feel as though you know, if we can get a handle on wisdom, my goodness, we can avoid so much suffering, and we can help so much more, so many more people with that wisdom. So, you know, if you’re a listener of this podcast, and by God’s grace, this podcast was awarded one of the top 30 relationship podcasts on the whole internet, which is incredible in an honor. And I’m very humbled and encouraged by that. But it also means that people are hungry for truth, and honesty and wisdom in their marriage. And so what I want to do is help you, to encourage you to say, yes, absolutely align your value system with wisdom.

5:35
And so you know, one thing that I realized recently is, you know, I do these free Clarity Calls, and I’ve been only doing them recently, because I, I have some, some limited time in my schedule, to do them. But what they give me the opportunity to do is to dive deep with a wife into what’s going on, and we go, we go deep, quick. And so I ask uncomfortable questions. And I asked the questions that you need to see what’s really going on, and some of the causes for what you know, to really unearth the causes of what’s going on. And then I describe if I feel like we’re the right fit, and if I feel like your situation is appropriate, and if I feel like you are ready, and specifically that you are decisive, that you’re committed, that you’re coachable, and that you’re resourceful, I may invite you to work with me in my program, the delighted wife, reclaim your sexuality, live in your womanly wisdom, witnessed him transform into the husband, you’ve always desired him to be. So this is my proven system that actually takes a wife by the hand, and I coach her one on one. And we go through the modules. It’s a 90 day program, and we work through at your pace, and I walk you through this process to end up getting you at your goals where you want to go. But like I said, we have to figure out where you are now we have to dive deep in those calls to determine, you know, is this something that’s going to help you. And now when I say that last one is resourcefulness that is key, because I cannot help a wife who does not value wisdom. If she does not place a high value on her priorities in life, why then I can’t help her. My husband and I don’t skimp on wisdom. We recognize that though. We can get clothes from other people. And we do we rarely buy clothes. I don’t remember the last time I think I actually do remember the last time I bought clothes for my sons. And it was because someone gave us a gift card. But people just give us clothes. Because we, you know are in a community of people running, you know, running through clothes with their kids. And so they just are like, Oh, okay, we’ll give it to their family and we accept it with with great gratefulness and move forward. And that’s, you know, that’s the way we live with so much. So many of our choices in life have been around saving and be creative and you know, renting out a room so that we don’t have to pay a full rent you know, of New York City and you know, most of our furniture has, has been for free someone giving it away, you know, my husband has a scours, Craigslist, the free section and, you know, gets different things for our kids to play with, or, you know, we get little projects for them to take apart, I found a toaster on the side of the road. Yesterday, I brought it in, and we’re gonna use tools and screwdrivers to undo that. And that’s going to be a whole project. So, you know, you can be creative with your finances, you don’t have to go buy them a Gameboy to keep them occupied. Absolutely not. And that’s, that’s the way we live, we live outside of the box with our finances, so that we can value what’s most important in our lives. And one of those things is wisdom. You know, my degree in School was philosophy. There was no practicality for philosophy who pays someone to think except that is exactly what everyone is paid for is their thoughts. And especially now that things are becoming more automated, I don’t know if your this is a little sidetracked. Commentary, but I don’t know if you’re familiar with some of it TED talks, I love TED talks, but they talk a lot about you know, AI Artificial Intelligence and the the top 10 qualities that that they see in the future that that people need to really be developing so that they, you know, have jobs This is number one, or I don’t remember the order of these, but one of the top 10 is creativity. Another one is problem solving. Another one is interpersonal skills. And another one is leadership, people management leadership. And so anyway, it’s just interesting to think about,

10:24
you know, the real values, even in, you know, the looking forward to the future actually, is wisdom, developing skills, developing these wise skills, rather than, you know, technical skills necessarily, certainly, there’s places for that, and, you know, there’s great stuff there. But the point is, wisdom is valuable, even outside of Christian circles, but let me dial it back in in terms of what matters in your life, and what you should be purchasing. You know, again, one of our bigger expenses are books, I purchase books, for my own development, audio books, a lot of times, and then courses, programs that are actually going to move the needle on me up leveling different parts of my life, different businesses different or Yeah, up leveling my business and up leveling, my fitness, my ability to be healthy, you know, paying professionals to help me emotionally, like there’s just these elements of wisdom that are so vital to our lives, but if we don’t value them, you know, our finances reflect what we value. And, you know, when you look at finances, it’s more than just money, what finances actually are, is your life. It’s your life, energy, because whatever you do to create money, that’s what money is representing. So let’s say you spend, you know, eight hours a day, doing whatever career job position, you have to make that money. So the way you spend it is actually what you’re spending your time doing, you’re spending on that thing. So if you spend, you know, eight hours, and then you purchase a vehicle, you know, that equals what you make in, you know, four months, or six months or a year? I don’t know, you know, I don’t know, all those numbers are. Anyway, if you, if you by that, I mean, what you’re saying is that your life for a year of eight hour days, is that value of that life equals a car. So you’re you’re trading your life of a year for a car, does that make sense. And so what I don’t want you to mistake is that when you buy something, you are are trading that time for that item you just purchased. So with that in mind, I suggest and encourage and submit to you please use your time. Use your life, use your money, which is your life, use it in a way that is aligned with your values, do not waste it. Because you and I both know that if you do not use your money, for wisdom, for getting wisdom for doing God’s will in this earth. Then you will use it another way. You will use it one way or another whether it’s on a vacation for you know two weeks of bliss, or whether it’s on getting your life on track and getting your marriage on track, getting the pornography addiction dealt with getting the marriage on track and getting your ability to connect as a couple getting your peace in your marriage, getting your sex life consistent and free and enjoying and pleasure getting that connection cemented together or a two week vacation. Like what, how in the world? Could you say that those are equal? Because one is an investment for decades and decades and decades of your life and one is a respite of time. Two weeks of hanging out at the beach. Like, what is that going to even matter in

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six months? What is that going to matter in a year? What’s that going to matter in 10 years, whereas when you invest in wisdom that will affect you for ever. And let me just read a couple of scriptures that just are so clear that, that God is saying, My goodness, the enemy wants to lie to you and distract you and, and tell you that that money, the only purpose of an investment is to make more money, but that’s not true. That’s not true. Now, let me tell you a few verses that are just so powerful and, and, and, and let me just say, okay, Proverbs 2323, it says, purchase truth, and do not sell it. Purchase wisdom, instruction and understanding. Proverbs 2413, my son eat honey, for it is good. And the drippings of the honeycomb are sweet to your taste. Know that wisdom is such to your soul. If you find it, there will be a future and your hope will not be cut off. Proverbs 313 Blessed said, is the one who finds wisdom, and the one who gets understanding for the gain from her is better than the gain from silver. And her profit is better than gold. She is more precious than jewels, and nothing you desire can compare with her. And then proverbs 810. Take my instruction instead of silver, and knowledge rather than choice gold, for wisdom is better than jewels, and all that you may desire cannot compare with her. All that you may desire doesn’t compare with wisdom. And then proverbs 812 It says, I wisdom love those who love me. And riches and honor are with me enduring wealth and righteousness. So it’s even saying, when you purchase wisdom when you go with wisdom, money is gonna follow you, which is amazing. And it’s true, isn’t it? Proverbs 1616, how much better to get wisdom than gold, to get understanding is to be chosen rather than silver. Rather than silver? How much better is it to get wisdom than gold? Isn’t that interesting? You know, Solomon was asked, Solomon was asked by God, you know, what do you want? I’ll give it to you. And Solomon asked for wisdom. That’s what he asked for was wisdom. Solomon could have asked for anything. But you know, what’s awesome, is even after he got all this incredible wisdom, the wisest man that ever lived aside from Jesus, then he was also incredibly wealthy. And people came from all over the world to listen to him.

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He was he was incredibly wealthy, even as a result, but the thing is, you have to buy and invest in wisdom first. Otherwise, the rest isn’t gonna follow you. See, one of the things, one of the reasons I do these Clarity Calls is because I need to help women get clear on what’s going on. You see, Proverbs 2712 says the prudent who sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it. I have been doing this work for too long. I have seen too many marriages demise because of their short sightedness, their inability to see the danger. But I myself have been there, I myself have endured a destruction called divorce. And it is the worst financial calamity that can happen to a person. So let’s just think about that for a second. The concern of divorce solely financially speaking, that means you’re you’re sacrificing the entire income that that person was bringing in. So let’s lowball it and say they’re we’re bringing in after taxes $30,000 a year. Let’s multiply that buy 10 years, 30 years, that’s $900,000 of money just just gone. A million dollars, at least if that’s if that’s what you’re earning after taxes, right? Much less. Let’s think about all the bills now that are on your shoulders all by yourself. So that’s, that’s 1000s and 1000s and 1000s of dollars over years, that you now have to endure yourself. Furthermore, Now, you might have to go to work or get a second job to make sure you can make ends meet. And not only that every expense for the kids, you probably have to shoulder all on your own. So that’s food that’s diapers, that’s field trips, that’s car payments, that’s gasoline. That’s every bill that you have electric, electrical, internet, whatever bill you currently have. Now, you’re, you’re doing it all on your own. And what you could have done previously, is, maybe if you had stayed in the marriage, and it had become healthy, you could have taken on a second job anyway, if you wanted to, or started your own business or whatever, and then all that income would be additional. So you’re actually losing income, that potential income there. Now, much less divorce requires lawyers and lawyers are expensive, they build by the hour, and it is not cheap. And then you’ve got to deal with custody battles, you’ve got to deal with courts and the systems there, you’ve got to have all that time and attention. And that takes the focus off of your own career, and your own time. And there’s a ton of stress and effort that way. And so you might end up needing to go. You know, you won’t be able to advance in your career as far or as fast because now you’re so emotionally and time effort into your, you know, just getting a divorce, it’s so intensive time and focus and energy and emotion and effort. And so these are just some of the oh, let me also say that asset, dividing assets is a huge issue, because you’ve got to divide it quickly. So that means that the you, they’ve got to sell the house quickly, they’ve got to sell the cars quickly, all the different, you know, things that you guys have to gather, you’ve got to, you know, sell it immediately. Otherwise, you know, you’re just hanging in the balance of getting a divorce. And so, a lot of times people lose a lot of money just by not getting what they should have gotten mark under market value for their, their house. So they, they lose a lot of money in this whole situation. Tons and tons and tons of so these are sometimes million dollar decisions or more millions of dollars, depending on you know, how much money you’re earning, how much you could be earning, how much you know, your things cost, whatever. That is what you’re dealing with when you’re like even flirting with the idea of divorce.

22:46
And so think about the difference between that and an investment to save your marriage and investment in wisdom. I mean, I am serious. When I’m talking about this, I know what I’m talking about. I’ve witnessed too many divorces, they come to me way farther down the line than they should have had, they only come to me when they were suffering. And they knew something was up, they knew that they were numbing because they want to be distracted that they knew they were only having sex once a month, but assumed there was nothing wrong or that they didn’t just they didn’t want to face it head on. And then they they knew that their sex life wasn’t what it should be, but they thought maybe their husband would just deal with it. And, and it wasn’t that great. But you know, she didn’t want to try any harder. And they they knew that they weren’t emotionally connected. But you know, probably that’s going to be okay. And she can just get her emotional fulfillment from the kids but he’s probably going to be okay to deal with, you know, his life lonely and his loneliness, you know, or she’s going to deal with, you know, his sin what he did in the past and she’s not going to actually head on he’ll and and get rid of that hurt so that she can really walk in God’s fullness now. Because what happens is if you let that stuff fester, that you know, under the BandAid, if there’s a stab wound, that’s gonna kill you. That is going to kill your marriage. You need to uncover that bandaid. You need to look at it hard. And you need to get that thing fixed. And that’s what my Clarity Calls are all about. They’re all about honesty, in love, but helping you to see and uncover what that what is underneath that bandaid. What are you numbing yourself against? What are you distracting yourself away from seeing what potential harm what is the danger that you were flirting with? And then I will talk to you about my program. If it’s the right fit with you. For you. I do not invite everyone into my program because it’s not it’s not for them. You know they might not be decisive. emitted coachable and resourceful, they might not be there. And or I might not be the right coach for them, I might not have the specialties that they need. And sometimes I do that I just give them a little free coaching and say, you know, here’s your next steps, and it’s not going to be with me. But those that I specifically have the opportunity to then say, Yeah, this is, this is the right, this is the right person, I can see that they are committed, I can see that this program is exactly what they need. And if it seems like the right fit, I might invite them in. Because I truly believe that if I don’t help them see the danger, they may just move forward just how they’re doing and suffer for it. And again, I only outlined the financial piece. You know, it’s one of those things have. There’s this great quote, it says, suffer the pain of discipline, or the pain of regret. And so if you discipline yourself now to get on a call with me to say, You know what, I’m going to be brave, I’m going to take that step, I’m going to let an expert Be honest with me in my situation, I’m going to be honest with her and tell her what’s going on. And I’m going to let it expert assess, see what’s going on. And we talk through it together and see if there’s work that I need to do. If there’s action I need to take if I need to say okay, I’m done. With the status quo, I see what’s really going on, I see the stab wound, and it’s time to heal it. It’s time to get this thing back on course, so I can do God’s will in this earth. Because I encourage you to think very carefully about what’s going to be on your tombstone. What is going to matter at the end. You either suffer the discipline, you suffer discipline now, or you suffer the pain of regret, you suffer the pain of discipline, or you suffer the pain of regret. I want you to suffer the pain of discipline. Now it’s so much easier. It’s discipline, but it’s easier. Oh my gosh, it’s so much easier. And I haven’t even talked about the emotional baggage and pain and suffering that I see so many women go through. Oh, it’s just Oh, it’s so horrible. I can only imagine what happens in heaven. When they you know what I see now? You know, I don’t know.

27:45
It’s just so important. I don’t want you to be distracted and suffering when you don’t have to be. You know, wisdom is crying out in the streets. Oh, simple ones. How long will you love simplicity. That’s what says in Proverbs. Don’t love simplicity. Move into God’s will for your life. I entreat you to make changes. Do not listen and say okay, I’ve consumed that podcast. I’ve listened to that episode. I’m done with that. I talked to too many women that have listened to me for years. And it’s like they never heard a single word I said. And I’m just like, What? What? By God’s grace, I’ve also you know, heard other stories that people have completely transformed. But if you are at a spot where you are not in the place in your marriage that you should be. You need wisdom, wisdom and knowledge and instruction. Do not skimp on those things. skimp I think that’s the word skimp. Do not be cheap on those things. Tighten your budget. You know, tighten your belt, don’t go out to eat don’t have a vacation for the next two years. Get wisdom. I don’t even know the last time our family had a vacation. I do actually we did have a vacation last year. Typically we don’t have vacations because we do rest days every week and I don’t actually feel like we need vacations very often. But we will I mean, God Willing here and there we will have them but it’s it’s not. That’s not it’s not something where we are valuing to spend our money on things that are not most important. Make sure you’ve got your priorities straight. Don’t take a vacation. If your marriage is a mess. Get that sorted first. You know don’t buy a new car. If your marriage is a mess, get that sorted out first. refinance your house Sir, you know, do something with your mortgage. I don’t know how that works. I don’t have a house, you know? Like, why are you trying to do investments before your marriage is solid. That is your first priority after God is your marriage. And that is going to support your kids, your family. If there’s not safety and peace and generosity and love in your household, it affects your kids, whether you think it does or not, it is dramatically affecting them and their spirituality. Yes, it does. Get your priority straight, suffer the pain of discipline, or suffer the pain of regret. So I hope that you will make the choice to uncover that bandaid and look at what you’re trying to numb against what you’re trying to distract yourself against, because it may be a roading the very things that you actually want. You actually want to get home to Jesus, and you want to hear your master say, Well done, good and faithful servant. But if you are distracted away from that reality, it’s really, really going to be painful. You know, I was reading in Matthew. And you know, there are some serious things like Jesus talks about, he’s a God of love, but he’s also a God of significant warning. You know, I was reading about the parable of the 10 virgins, and I’ll just read to you really quick. Says, then the kingdom of heaven will be so it’s Matthew 25. The kingdom of heaven will be like 10 virgins who took their lamps and went to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish and five were wise. Wow, I didn’t even realize five of them were wise. For when the foolish took their lamps, they took no oil with them. But the wise took flasks of oil with their lamps. As the bridegroom was delayed, they all became drowsy and slept. But at midnight, there was a cry, here is the bridegroom come out to meet him. Then all those virgins rose and trim their lamps. And the foolish said to the wise, Give us some of your oil for our lamps are going out. But the wise answered, saying, since there will be not enough for us and for you go rather to the dealers and buy for yourselves. And while they were going to buy, the bridegroom came, and those who were ready, went in with him to the marriage feast, and the door was shut. Afterward the other virgins came also saying, Lord, Lord, open to us. But he answered, Truly I say to you, I do not know you. Watch therefore, for you know, neither the day nor the hour.

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So it’s pretty powerful to think that the wise virgins, were ready. Why does that matter to your marriage. Because if your spirituality consists on you, praying for your husband, to be the, the spiritual leader of your household, and your spirituality consists of you, just trying to keep yourself from not cursing at your husband or yelling at him, I want to say that you’re distracted. You need more in your life than just that God is calling you higher than a fixation on your marriage. But if you don’t get your marriage straightened out, if you don’t get the wisdom, the applied knowledge that you actually have a different marriage, then you will not be able to focus on all that God wants you to do and be about. It’s going to affect your kids. It’s going to affect you doing God’s will. It’s going to affect your prayer life. It’s going to affect your ability to consistently meet with God, it’s going to affect your focus at church, it’s gonna affect your focus at work. It’s gonna affect again, I mentioned over and over and over again about your finances. Get your marriage figured out. Be wise, live your life in priorities. Get God first in your life. Don’t let the horrors are the pain, the suffering the loneliness of your marriage, crowd out your relationship with God. So that might be getting that out of the way might be the first step in realigning your life with God. Because too often people are so deeply in pain in their marriage, that they cannot connect with God because they are in so much pain and so much heartache that That’s what I want for you, I want you to choose wisdom, to have your values in wisdom in buying wisdom and valuing it over gold and silver. And I help women I have a proven process where women transform their lives I’ve even had let me give you a quick example is a wife came to me she was homeschooler. So she had several kids, five, or six or seven, lots of kids. And so it and she and her husband were just having the most difficult difficult time he had a part time job and wasn’t able to. It wasn’t making ends meet, but she really felt discouraged by him not really trying to get another job. And it just seemed like he was, you know, lazy and he wasn’t helping around. And he wasn’t doing it was supposed to do. And he felt like she didn’t care about sex. And he didn’t. He felt like she didn’t care about him. And she was always scolding him and criticizing him. And it was only after four sessions that he emailed me and he said, I don’t know what you guys talked about. I don’t know what was said. But I don’t even know if my wife is doing everything you told her I haven’t asked. But I tell you what, my wife is a different woman, I have never seen her changed so fast and over 20 years of marriage. And he was like, he was like, it’s like, she’s behaving like the woman I married. In fact, like the woman I wish I had married. So I’m just like, praise God. You know, transformation can happen quickly. With wisdom. With wisdom, you can go your whole life with all the free information in the world. Again, people listen to my podcast constantly, you know, all over the world by God’s grace. But until they get that tailored insight, the accountability of the help, they could be really missing what they need, they could be really missing the amazing transformation they need. And that’s what God does through my work with them. Again, my program, the delighted wife, reclaim your sexuality, live in your womanly wisdom, and witness him transform into who you’ve always wanted him to be.

37:31
Let me give you another story. I’ve recently worked with a wife who really didn’t enjoy sex at all. And, you know, just really felt like it was a chore. And by God’s grace, in just the short amount of time she and I work together, suddenly she’s having brand new sensations in her reso, where she is feeling more excited to have intimacy with Him, where she is looking forward to it where she sees sex differently than she ever did before. And she’s a dedicated listener. So that’s very cool. Give you another one where, you know, a wife and her husband felt so distant, and their Bible believing Christians they are. They’ve got amazing ministries in the church, and they’ve got kids, and they’re, you know, really, really struggling with peace and their household. And just constantly at each other’s necks at each other’s throats because there’s an addiction involved, and there’s just different. But in our work together, what she has done is transform the way that she sees herself, and the way that she protects her hearts, and the way that she acts towards him. And that has transformed the way he is towards her. So it’s very interesting. You know, and amazing what God has done. And I’ll tell you, I actually have just started working with someone who I’m so grateful that she has started working with me. But I’ll tell you the first, after our first session, I was having trouble reading her face and I asked her how she’s feeling. And she said, Oh my gosh, that was amazing. This is the real deal. I have never gone so far in such a short amount of time than in this session. This is not fluff. Then I was like awesome. Praise God. Tell your husband but yeah, that’s what we do. We go far we go deep. I’m not willing to let you go to danger. Go to the the hell that I went through in my divorce. I don’t want that for you do not. I do not let you go there. I do not let you go there. So get on that clarity call with me. I’m going to treat you just like a coaching client. I am going to help you uncover that pain. To date, and we are going to look honestly, together at what is underneath, we’re going to go deep. And we’re going to go in fast. And that’s going to be a 40 minutes conversation maybe more. And we’re going to, yeah, really focus on how to get you to the next step, and what it would look like if you worked with me. And if that’s the right next step for you, if not, you’re going to have a phenomenal time, you know, a ton of value, a ton of clarity. And, yeah, it’s totally worth you being brave and signing up as soon as you can www.dy m.as dot M E. And I think I have a couple of openings that I was able to shift my schedule around this week, if you can jump in there really quickly. Otherwise, I think, um, maybe in two more weeks, I have some more openings, but get on my calendar as soon as you can. Cuz it fills up pretty quickly. So very quickly. All right. God bless. And I really hope that you’ll spend some time in Proverbs this week. And really value wisdom. Do not value your other things more importantly than wisdom. Because again, anything that you can desire does not compare with her. That’s what God says. It’s right there. Alright, God bless you. I look forward to speaking with you soon.

41:29
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion

201-Why he’s DESPERATE for your intimacy

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I get so many emails from husbands. I want to send a message to their wives…the wife I used to be. I was a wife who saw sex as…

Dirty
Wrong
Ungodly
Scary
He was sinning for wanting it
Too much work
I didn’t like it / it hurt / I didn’t know what to do
I don’t have time
I don’t have energy
What’s in it for me?
He’s way too interested in sex

And so I avoided it and got resentful that the things I was doing wasn’t appreciated. He kept asking me to learn more… and I got angrier.

Well God has changed my heart on this. I have discovered that God made my husband’s member, and I am his wife. It is my privilege to be a part of intimacy with him. I am his only means of receiving this vital fulfillment righteously.

I believe this podcast will bring you closer to God. If you’re anything like I was, I wish I had known this even before I got married. If I could only understand what sex meant to him. If I could only understand God’s purposes for it.

I pray this would be something husbands can give to their wives (when she’s ready—listen and practice these 3 episodes: Encourage Your Wife’s Sexuality (How A Husband Can Help His Wife Be More Into Sex) 156, 156/157, 157 first).

Podcasts I mention:

132-S: The Most Important Piece To Amazing Intimacy with Belah Rose
144-S: The Discipline of “No” with Belah Rose
Encourage Your Wife’s Sexuality (How A Husband Can Help His Wife Be More Into Sex) Episodes: 156, 156/157, 157

Praying for you and your marriage,

Belah

transcript

0:00
Hi there, and welcome, I hope that you are doing well. I just want to be just so grateful that you took a moment to allow me to be part of your day today, I’m sure you’re busy doing different things. And I know you have lots of priorities. But I am so grateful that you chose to be with me. I will say that by God’s grace, this podcast was actually awarded one of the top 30 relationship podcasts on the net. So you are well, there’s you’re in, you’re in good company, if you’re listening, though, you might be by yourself. By God’s grace, there are a lot of others that are also listening, I will share that I am, you know, doing delight your marriage full time now, again, thank God. But it means that, you know, I’m working with a lot of women coaching them one on one. And that’s where I get to do the real deep work of helping women transform their marriages, their lives, their kids, what ultimately, you know, affects ministries, and their workplaces and their communities and society as a whole. So that’s really so so so deeply important to me. And so that means, you know, sometimes I’m not able to get out the podcast on the right day that I try to do Tuesdays, so please forgive me for being a little bit off on my timing there. As well as this podcast episode is actually something that I recorded previously. And it was already posted under another name. But the content is so valuable. And I’ve gotten such great feedback from others that I think it’s worth posting it again, and allowing you all to listen to it again. So I hope that you enjoy and it blesses you, and it encourages you today. Thank you so much for listening, I’ll have a fresh new episode. I’ve already recorded it. It’ll be out on time. Next week, God bless you. And we’ll talk soon.

2:05
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast, this show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah rose.

2:22
Hey, there, and welcome. Thank you so much for joining. I’m belah rose, nice to meet you. I’m trying to imagine who’s on the other side of this microphone. I wonder if you’re a wife, who was asked by your husband to listen to this podcast. And if that’s the case, I would just love to smile at you and welcome you and let you know this is a safe place. Ultimately, if I knew you, I would love to have coffee. And you and I could sit down together and you could tell me what’s going on in your heart and your background, your past even the difficulties in your marriage now and how you’re feeling about intimacy and why it’s where it is. And I know there’s so much beneath what’s going on for you. And you probably think I have no clue how your marriage is or why it got there, or the difficulty you’re in right now. And the truth is I don’t there’s no way for me to know. But here’s some questions I might have in case you are at a place where I have been. You might be feeling if you are anything like I was that you’re frankly annoyed, that he’s asking you, again, to read something to listen to something to change the way you are sexually. You might be just flat out frustrated, you know, hands on your hips, or crossing your arms and being like, come on. This lady has no idea what’s going on in our marriage. And this husband of mine over and over and over again. tries to tell me about sex and it’s just so frustrating. I want this to stop. Another thing you might be going through is you might be hurt because it feels like he doesn’t think you’re good enough in bed. Once again, he’s hurting your feelings by giving you another resource to look into. Another one is you might just be angry and upset that you do so much every single day. Maybe you take care of the kids full time, which is hard work. Maybe you are working outside of the home For a paycheck, but it’s just as hard or, you know, you come home, you clean, you do the dishes, you work with the kids. I mean, it’s a constant work in your life. And then when you’re completely exhausted by the end of the day, your husband like rolls over and wants to get frisky. You’re like, Are you kidding me? And then, you know, here you are trying to be good wife. And he’s asking you to listen to another thing to give you another item on your to do list, which is pages long as it is. Another thing is, you might be asking, What the heck is he doing for me? When was the last time we had a date? When was the last time he picked up flowers? Just to surprise me? You know, how was he loving me if I’m supposed to do all this sex stuff for him. Another thing you might be thinking is, as a Christian man, he should not be thinking about sex as much as he is. However much we’re having sex, he should be grateful. Because look at Jesus, look at Paul, John the Baptist, those guys didn’t have sex and look how much they were able to do for the Kingdom. You might be like, my husband has got to get it together. Isn’t he supposed to be dying to the flesh. And you could quote a million Bible verses at him to let him know that he’s sinful for wanting you to do those things. So I don’t know where you are. In that you might I think, finally, probably I would say you might also just be struggling with the whole idea that this act, sexuality in your marriage is just dirty. It’s wrong. It’s sinful. It has never been talked about in a good way. How in the world, you don’t even have good language to speak about it with every time you try to talk about different parts. It either sounds like you’re reading a medical dictionary, or you’re on Uh, excuse me, but pornography site? I mean, this seems like a horrible thing. How in the world? Is this supposed to be positive and holy and godly?

7:19
So I kind of wanted to just give you just a little bit, maybe, hopefully, insight of where I have been, as a wife, as a woman. I have been in each of those spots. I want to address each of those. But before I do, I want to tell you that I hear you. I have been there each of those items I understand completely. I have been in those spots. That’s why I can describe them. Because I have been there I am a woman I felt those things. Another thing I could say is what about I have low libido. I don’t want to have sex. Why is his drive more important than mine? How about this one? He is selfish in sex. I don’t want to do all the things he wants me to do. Or what about this one? I do have sex with him. But he never stopped. He just always wants intimacy with Me. It’s too much. There’s all the excuses. But I would say reasons. Those are all reasons that you’re like, This is not what I am going to do all of the time. I am not going to do all this. I’m not okay with it. I don’t think it’s the way God wants me. It’s not what he’s asking me to do as, as a wife as a person it it’s not, honey, it doesn’t matter that much. Stop asking me to do this all the time. So if you any of those things, identify with you. That’s what this conversation is about. I hope you’ll listen in with an open heart to see if God wants to speak to you through this podcast through this episode. If there’s some truth in here that he wants to show you

9:16
so I wonder if you can agree with me that God made the universe that God designed everything carefully. With deep detail. Every single molecule. Every cell in your body is designed and created by the master himself. Your body, my dear, is a masterpiece. Whether you like it or not. God designed all of it. He designs Your beautiful eyes. He designs your glorious fingers He designed your heart. He designed your insides, he designed your brain. And he designed your intimate, womanly parts. He designed all of that. He also designed your husband, his broad shoulders, his however your husband looks, maybe he’s got a beard, or maybe he’s got whatever it is, I rouse all this stuff he designed. But he also designed your husband’s penis. So just a quick note about language, I recognize that there is hard language to figure out how to say things in a good way. And I’m sorry if the wording that I’m using is not the best for your particular experience. But I’m going to try as hard as I can to make it neutral, say words that don’t evoke things. So I’m hoping that you’ll give me grace and just kind of keep your heart open to what I might say, beneath the wording, what’s the message behind it. So let’s try that again. He also designed your husband, his broad shoulders, his however your husband looks, maybe he’s got a beard, or maybe he’s got whatever it is eyebrows, all this stuff he designed. But he also designed your husband’s penis. He designed everything about your husband’s penis. Just take that in, recognize that is true. God made his member, every part of your husband’s member is God designed. God made your husband’s penis to become erect. He made your husband’s penis exactly the shape exactly the way every part of it, God designed. So let me tell you a little bit about what that means. Your husband’s penis is an appendage from his body. It’s right between his legs. Every appendage of our bodies has blood pumping through it 24 hours a day, seven days a week, the blood is constantly pumping, because it’s bringing oxygen and nutrients. And it’s also carrying out metabolic waste. It’s doing all these processes all of these things. And honestly, I don’t really understand most of it. But I will say that blood is constantly flowing. Your husband’s penis is not like anything else. The only time blood flows in there and flows out is when it’s wrecked. Which means for a healthy appendage, it has to have blood flowing. So if you were to cut off circulation from your hand, long enough, your hand would not be functional. And that’s the same way. So God designed your husband’s penis to become erect very often very frequently. For this reason to stay healthy. So your husband’s penis actually has four different reasons to become a wrecked. One, you probably are very familiar with the morning erection. Very natural, happens every day. Every single day he has this morning and wet rection that he wakes up with. Another one is called a reflexive erection. Which means if something or someone touches his penis, it becomes erect. Blood starts flowing, it’s very natural.

14:14
But when I say something, he literally could bump up against a trash can. And suddenly blood is starting to flow and it’s becoming erect. Another one is the mind erection right? That is when he’s thinking about sex or he sees something sexual. It comes through his mind. That’s when it actually becomes erect that way. And then the last one right is the random erections. Literally because to keep your butt near husband’s body healthy, the bloods going in the blood just going out. There’s no actual stimuli. There’s no reason aside from his body’s got to clean that thing out or get oxygen to or whatever there Reasons. So. So that’s, that’s the piece I want to just be clear about the way God designed your husband’s penis is to have erections. Now, shockingly, there, you’re an average husband has 11 erections every single day. 11. That’s shocking to us, isn’t it? Women, shocking, 11 erections. And regardless of the cause, he wants to use it. Because the blood flowing into his penis, as the blood is flowing, it’s very pleasurable, every type of erection he has is very pleasurable, every type of touch is pleasurable to him. Now, us as women, we don’t have to really touch ourselves very often, it just, it’s not part of the way we go to the bathroom and things like that. But for husbands, they always have to touch their penis to use the restroom, just to make sure it doesn’t spill onto the floor, they’ve got to touch it. And that’s pleasure, that even if they’re not grasping it to orgasm, just touching it is pleasure. It’s, that’s the way it was designed. It’s not a normal appendage. It’s not anything like that. So God made your husband’s penis very specifically, very uniquely. So talking about what your husband’s penis means to him. Let’s discuss that. His penis is what makes him a man. Think about it, it’s his whole manhood is in between his legs. If you didn’t have that, he would not be considered a man, he would be called a unike. And I just wonder, would you be would you want to marry a husband that doesn’t have a penis? Is that Is that what would that be attractive to you? I don’t think so. I think you want a man, I think you want him? Because you know, it’s important. You know, it’s the thing that makes him a man. It’s what makes him special. It’s what makes him unique. From women. It’s different. It’s, it’s that thing, it’s that part of him that’s a man. Every day your husband walks out into this world. And the question he asks of life is, do I have what it takes? Am I good enough? Do I have what it takes to take on this world to do this job to be there for my family to make enough money so that we can survive to to give to my my wife what she needs to serve my children to be what God wants me to be in this world? Do I have what it takes? Am I enough? Those are the questions that essence is who your husband is his heart. And his penis is the thing that makes him that man that’s asking those questions. So when his penis is not being respected in your home, he feels like he’s not enough. He feels like he doesn’t have what it takes to make it in this world.

18:38
And every erection that he has, every time he sees his penis, every time he touches that it’s a reminder of the intimacy or lack of an intimacy that he has in his marriage. It’s a reminder, regardless of all the, you know, advertisements, all the, you know, nonsense that is so rampant in our world of all this sexual imagery, regardless of that, just the way he’s built, just the way the erections happen all the time. reminds him that he’s not making love that he’s not enjoying his manhood is not respected in his home. So when you ignore when you reject and sadly when you criticize or accuse or anger really respond to his meager attempts at seduction or, or desire for you. You’re rejecting his manhood. You’re saying you’re not enough for me, babe. You’re not enough for this world. You don’t have what it takes. And you may be thinking Why in the world would I have the ability to make this great man feels so terrible about himself. You know, if he was so great, he would be able to do that all by himself. It’s not up to me to make him feel that way. And I hear what you’re saying. Because certainly there’s an element of him having to rely on God to for his self worth. But you, as a woman have the privilege of making him feel like a man of honoring his manhood in your marriage, you are the only one who’s allowed to touch that to interact to, to enjoy, to caress to cherish his member, he is a man because of what’s in between his legs, and you are the only one that’s able to love and appreciate that. He’s sitting if he gets that any other way. That is your responsibility, and your privilege that you can make him feel alive and excited about life. I need to tell you that when a man doesn’t make love to his wife, he feels lonely. He feels depressed, he feels stressed, literally, that is when oxytocin is released is at the point of orgasm. He has a much lower oxytocin load in his bloodstream than women, women, you know, seeing a baby or being cuddled or a hug. Those are things that release oxytocin in our bodies. But for a man, it’s very, very low, until the point of orgasm, where this big surge of oxytocin is released. And it’s this amazing feeling in his body where he feels loved. He feels appreciated, he feels excited about life, he feels alive. That’s what you give him when you give him the opportunity of loving you, through lovemaking. He feels your love through the act of sex. And large part is the way you feel about his member. When you treasure that and appreciate what God has made in him as a man, you’re appreciating what God has made in him, you’re appreciating his member, those are one and the same. Believe it or not. It’s funny, I was just talking to you. It’s actually it’s amazing. I was just talking to a new friend. And she was telling me that she just got back from Iraq. And she was telling me about what’s going on over there. And literally, she was in a town an hour outside of I think the town is Mosul were like the hub of ISIS, that they captured this city. She is literally she was staying with a missionary family who’s their long term missionary to the Iraqi people, right next to a refugee camp. Like she was one hour away from ISIS, and staying with these missionaries. And, you know, in my heart, in my mind, I’m like, I want so desperately to help. I want to help this world that’s so a need that so is broken and suffering, you know.

23:23
But the best gift I can give people that are doing the hardest work in the world. That family I just imagine that family is giving them a strong marriage, a unified marriage, where they recognize and understand each other and the love and and what it means to connect as as marital partner so they can fully focus on the work that God wants them to focus on. So you don’t know who God wants your husband to be, until you’re loving him and serving him respecting him the way that you get to as a wife. You don’t know the kind of man he’s supposed to be the kind of unified couple that you’re supposed to be until you have this. This revelation to live this is in your marriage that you honor his manhood to you respect him. As a man, you don’t know what God is going to do through you through your love, through your love. This is not something the world made up the world took God’s design, God’s creation, and they twisted it and they turned it into what it is sin plastered all over our culture. That is sin. But in your marriage, in the garden, there was man, there was woman they were naked and they were on ashamed. Adam was made first God said it is not good for man to be alone and he made Eve It’s right there. Together they are to be doing this work together. They are to making love. Jesus specifically said, He made man and woman, so they could be one flesh. I mean, Jesus, who never married, said it was important for man and woman to become one flesh, she’s talking about the connection, the sex that you are supposed to be having in your marriage, that union, that bonding, it’s a design of God. And your husband knows it. He knows it. And I think one of the reasons is so vital to a husband is because for us, as women to feel loved, to feel cherished, the things we really want to experience so that we actually get turned on and want to make love are really the fruits of the Spirit, we want to experience a man who’s patient, and gentle and kind, and loving, and generous, it turns us on, who’s trustworthy and faithful, who’s loyal. Those are all things that we want in a man. And if you think about it, those things go together, the woman wanting a man who embodies the gifts of the Spirit, and the man wanting to enjoy sexual love from his wife and it together, they have to serve each other in in that way. And it becomes that we’re more like Christ doing those things. So one thing you might be asking, and it kind of touched on it, in the beginning, is a man of God should be dying to his flesh, right, Jesus was able to go his whole life without making love Paul, John the Baptist, I mean, there’s a lot of monks and great saints and people that that went their whole lives without it. And you know, Jesus specifically says, I don’t have the verse in front of me, but I believe it’s Matthew 19, that he says, if they can do that, they should. Basically, if they can not be connected in marital intimacy, then they should, if they cannot be married, they should, but otherwise, they should be married. Paul even talks about don’t burn with passion, get married, so you can get on with the work that God has you to do. If you’re married, you should not be burning with passion any longer, because that passion should be satiated by each other, you should be making love. God designed it that way. One note I wanted to make about how these other men were able to, you know, sustain a celibate life is

27:58
this is just something that may be helpful to think about is that when we make love the first time when we are a virgin, and then the first sexual experience, it literally changes brain chemistry, there are brain connections that were not there beforehand. That’s why it makes it’s so significant. When someone’s a virgin, it’s so significant, because literally they don’t have brain connections that are there after it happens. And so, I wonder, it’s just a question. I don’t have a whole lot of, you know, I don’t have a whole lot to back this up. But I just wonder if people like Paul, Jesus that never sinned, you know, John the Baptist, these these great, great men who were able to do so much I wonder if God didn’t give them the grace to not have the constant distraction of sex, because they never had it in the first place. So that’s kind of a wonder for me. But aside from that, if you just think about our culture, right, we’ve got scantily clad women on every advertisement, even if you don’t watch movies, aside from G rated films, you would still see it all over the place constantly. There’s sexual imagery, objectification of women’s bodies, all the time, everywhere. It’s the normal style of clothes. Now, Jesus time in, you know, the Saints didn’t live with that kind of input. You know, there wasn’t the temptation of pornography all the time. It was very different. And when that happens, that distraction, when he gets an erection very, very naturally just happens when he you know, begins to notice his body and just so you know, it’s his body. He notices it every single time it happens. And when he like it happens, and he’s thinking, Oh, I’d love to be making love if he automatic was thinking about his wife, why then that’s a holy, that’s a holy response to this natural reaction. But if he’s burning with passion, he’s like, I need something to satiate me. That’s awful. That’s distracting. That’s not allowing him to do the work that God wants them to do. It’s completely distracting. I just again, think of what God might be wanting to do through your husband, but because he’s so desperate to be loved in his marriage, it’s just not happening. I mean, we’re we’re desperate to be loved. And we have a husband or we have a wife. I mean, can you imagine, think if it were you, and I’m sure, you know, there’s tension in your marriage, if there’s not generous intimacy, in the marriage bed, there’s, there’s significant tension, I am sure of it. So the way you feel when you don’t feel loved, it’s just a constant thing. So I do want to talk about one thing that might be on your heart as a wife. And this happens, it really does a lot, is maybe you have been in an intimate situation, and your husband has not had an erection. And now because I’m talking about how natural it is, and how it happens all the time, and every day, you’re wondering, well, why did it happen, when we were going to make love was he not attracted to me, you know, what was going on. And I just want to, you know, kind of calm and, you know, be kind to your heart for a minute, because it’s actually probably has nothing to do with you. Sometimes there are just things that get in the way of him actually being able to perform. And some of those things are stress. Some of it is health things, medication is a big one.

32:05
And like I said he’ll, he’s probably having, you know, blood flowing through having these directions and different circumstances. But it’s not because he’s not attracted to you. It’s simply because of these other elements. However, I will say once it happens once, and more than likely would happen again, because he begins to get anxious. Or maybe he’s anxious the first time and it just kind of continues on as a self fulfilling prophecy. So as a wife, the best thing you can do is whatever happens, accept it with love, and cherish his member in every way. And remember that it’s pleasurable, when his member is filling with blood. So even if it’s soft, and there’s nothing that you can tell happening, you just being kind and generous with your touch and kiss and all the different wonderful aspects of loving his member, you can actually cause him to feel loved. Even if the act of love making doesn’t happen, because he doesn’t have an erection, it’s going to make it much more likely that he’ll have it the next time. And either way, ultimately, he’s going to feel respected and loved and treasured as a man. Just because he doesn’t have a full on erection. It doesn’t mean that it’s not pleasurable, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t feel that depth of love that you’re giving to him. So whatever happens in any circumstance, give him that respect, given that honor of the man and honor his manhood in the midst. Maybe you had been thinking, you know, how is it that a man is so sensitive? The truth is, God made him so sensitive in his heart, about his manhood, what’s in between his legs, on purpose, in the same way that you are sensitive about the way he speaks to you or the way he desires you. That’s your heart. You know, if he listens to you, if he loves the way you think, and the way your body is, and all these things, you’re very sensitive to that he’s the one that can hurt you the most because he is closest to you. That romantic relationship is unlike any other relationship and it should be. He is sensitive to this. It is very, very much a part of who he is. So what I want you to do, my dream for you is to get to a place of loving his member. This that might sound completely silly and ridiculous right now and that’s okay. But this is what I want. I want you to To understand that it’s not just about doing your duty, or, or, you know, giving him what he wants or whatever, it’s literally about loving his soul. In your intimacy, you are loving this man. And that God made in his member, you want to know why I think that so significantly is because God knew this when he made Adam. Okay, when Abraham was given the promise that all his descendants would be blessed through Abraham. And at some point, he required them to be circumcised all of the men to be circumcised. Now God could have said, You are my people. So I’m going to more mark you. So all you need to do is you know, you need to mark your forehead with a big dot, you know, maybe a big scar, that would probably be, you know, very painful, but circumcision is very painful. So something where it’s on their face, like, everyone knew this is God’s person, because they have a big mark, and they can see it. That is not what God required of his people. He required them to mark the thing that matters most to them. The thing that matters most to your husband, is his member. That’s what God asked of his people to say, I know you. And I know, this is most important, and I require for you to be my people and to consecrate the thing that matters most to you as a man, to me, that that is the commitment that is the value or making to me, that. So that’s a little bit about his heart. Why is member means so much? And why the intimacy

37:08
that he’s having in his marriage, if he is having it, or the frequency? Why it affects him so very much, because it is because it is that important. So you might be thinking in the back of your mind, well, you know, great, so now I understand how vital it is to him. But when am I going to have time to do anything? I mean, already, I feel stressed. And you know, the intimacy we do? Have I? I can barely get that together. How am I supposed to do more than this? And one, I think that you can either ask him to listen to this. And you can say, is this true? And if it is, you can say well, I’ve noticed that I have X, Y and Z to do every week. And I would like you to take on X, Y and Z. And those phrases, I’ve noticed dot dot dot, I’d like dot, dot dot, are actually very, very good phrases for you to use. And that gives him the understanding of I would love to make love to you. But I have got a lot on my plate. And I would like some help. So if you start thinking about what would you need to happen in your life to be able to prioritize this? And you might be thinking, well, how much do I need to be making love so that he feels satisfied and loved and all that stuff? Absolutely ask him he might say twice a day. So that might not be reasonable. However, get to a place where he is feeling loved. And if you’re not doing once a week, get at least two once a week. If you’re getting two once a week, try for two times a week and from there, you know, see what’s sustainable, then for you. I mean, I don’t want you to feel force. I don’t. That’s not That’s not the point you should not feel forced to be making love to your husband. But it is what I do believe you need to do is reprioritize your life so that your marriage is just after your relationship with God. There’s there’s your relationship with God. And then there’s your marriage, the very next rung. Okay. And then there’s your family, your kids. And from there it goes out to your ministry and your work and the other areas of your life but your marriage has got to go before soccer practice. Okay. Your marriage has got to go before you know, craft DIY, DIY projects in your home. I don’t know what’s keeping you from doing that, but cut it out, cut that piece out. So that you can have what you need to be able to make love. And it’s not just, you know, you need an extra hour so that you guys can get together. It’s more than that, especially for women, we need peace in our lives, we need to have less stress. We need to feel good about our bodies, all of those things are required for us to enjoy intimacy. So how do you do that? How do you turn into a woman that likes to make love? While you need to value peace, you need to reprioritize cut the things out, they’re stressing you out. Really reassess your life and figure out what needs to be cut so I can love and value and cherish my husband. And if a husband’s listening, which I imagine you would be, think about how you can approach your wife in, in loving her so that she can love you. Someone’s got to break this cycle, someone has got to break this cycle. So taking her out to dinner, you know, loving on her the way that she receives love. I talked about that in Episode 156 156, slash 157 and 157. That’s actually three episodes, though it might sound very confusing. Listen to those, get some insights there.

41:34
But figure out how you can offload her plate, what can you do? How can you make your lives less stressful, maybe it means downgrading your home. Maybe it means buying less stuff, maybe it means budgeting so you don’t have to have two jobs, maybe one job and a part time job. I don’t know. But this is really important. If you want to have a God centered life, you have got to value your intimacy. You can not have your husband addicted to pornography or, or going on every distraction that there is in the world because he cannot get the intimacy at his own home. It’s not okay and it has to change. It has to change. And you my dear wife have the ability to change it. You just don’t know what God might want. For your marriage for your life. I have got to tell you, I am so much happier. When I am making generous love to my husband. That’s when he does the dishes. That’s when he takes care of the kids. And with a good heart. That’s when he buys me flowers. That’s when he takes me out on dates. When I am generous in lovemaking, I feel loved in every other area of my life. So if you have a low libido like I do, you still serve you still are generous, you still love his member in intimacy, there’s a lot of ways to do it. It does not have to be intercourse if you are not physically able, or if you are lacking energy at the end of the day, or if you whatever, there’s a lot of other ways to do it. But make sure that his intimacy, that connection between the two of you is made. And I say love making again there is a lot of ways you can make love that do not have to be specific penetration, intercourse there’s, there’s so many other ways just understand how very vital it is. All right. So we have come a long way. You have recognized that God designed your husband’s member, it was not the world’s idea. It was God’s. It’s very, very vital to his heart. his manhood is in between his legs, who he is as essential man. And you as a wife determine if he feels like he has enough in this world. Yes, he should rely on God for that. But you are. You are that one person that can affirm him as a man. And that is through however you desire in intimacy with your husband. You affirm him as a man. He feels loved. He feels revitalized, he’s feels rejuvenated. He feels excited about life. It releases stress from his life and makes him more hopeful. God made it this way. We are important. Women you are vital to your husband’s life. Adam needed Eve your husband married to you because he needed intimacy in his life. He wasn’t able to be celibate his whole life, he wasn’t able to be like Paul. And Paul said, If you can’t stand it fine, get married, but then keep doing God’s work. That’s what the whole point of it is. So you can do the work that God has to do fully unified, fully loving each other, that’s going to make you better parents, that’s going to make you better church members, that’s going to make you better ministry leaders, that’s going to make you better missionaries, that’s going to make you hear from God better, because when he gets an erection, when he’s there praying, it’s not going to distract him into thinking, oh my gosh, I wish I could, could could, could release this, somehow, he’s going to be like, Oh, I love my wife so much. And then he’s gonna get back to praying. Again, it’s an erection just because of a random erection or some kind of molecular, you know, blood flow process or whatever. But it happens constantly. This is his body, this is your husband, this is the way God designed him. It is holy, it is good. Intimacy with this man with your man is good and holy. If this is something you struggle with, I really encourage you to listen to episode 132. It says, it’s called the most important piece to amazing intimacy. It really goes into why the world says it’s x and what it really is in God’s kingdom in the way that God sees sex the way that he designed sex. So

46:35
next steps for you. Write down? Why you’re not doing this. Why is this not part of your life? What are the blocks? What are the barriers? What is the baggage? What is the pain? Write it down? And journal about it? What are the things you’re not forgiving your husband of that’s preventing you from moving forward? What are the areas that you’ve been ignorant of that now? Maybe I hope and prayerfully you’re beginning to have your eyes opened to what are the things you need to understand before you can move into a greater depth of intimacy, journal these things pray about these things. Get to an understanding that this is what needs to be happening in your marriage. This is what glues you two together for peace, for purpose for unity. I have a ton of other resources. Again, if this is your first time listening to the podcast, I I really hope that you would prayerfully under just just seek this seek God on? Is this true? Is it real that you design my husband this way? Is it true? Is it true that this is what you care about? Is it true that you want me to love my husband’s member? The way that belah rose described it? Is that really dirty? Is it really sin? Or did I just get tainted by what the world and what this Satan wants me to misunderstand it or misrepresented as, because I want you to know do your wife my whole life. I’m talking Bella, I thought it was gross. I thought it was disgusting. I thought it was sin. I thought it was wrong. I thought all those other women are sinning by doing such nasty things to even their husband, like it just is wrong. It’s the worst. And it was a long process. But by God’s grace, my eyes are open. And this is the way God made it. Their culture was very different. I think the women in their culture understood the man’s genitalia very, very, very differently. And we’ve lost that for various reasons. But in this society, in this culture, men see sexual images all the time. It’s really, really hard for them to resist the temptation of thought, the temptation of pornography, that those temptations are real. And really, really, really, I mean, I cannot even imagine women wear scantily clothed, closed, scantily clothed things all the time around your husband. And if he is not receiving intimacy in his marriage, it’s really hard for him to turn his eyes away or not be tempted or all these things he should be doing. But you as a wife, you’re his opportunity to feel loved in these ways. You’re his only opportunity to, to in a holy way to receive that. Those desires, those needs that God put in him. So you too, could be unified for the glory of God. Because you have things that he doesn’t have. He has things that you don’t have. And so when you unify for God’s work, that’s the biggest that’s the most powerful thing. All right, so next steps action step is to journal Journal through this process, why do you think this things? Why are you not moving forward? What are your next steps journal through how to reprioritize your life? And then have some honest conversations with your husband? Honey, are these things true? Is this how you feel? Is this your heart? Right, sorry, it was journaled, then pray, then ask your husband about it. And figure out how you guys can reprioritize your life so that intimacy is a priority. So that you do your wife have energy for it after the end of the day, that you can change your life around. So that sex becomes something that happens, you are not a victim of this world or of this life, you have ability to make choices. So that intimacy is a priority, make the choices, they’re hard choices, but make those choices. I’d love for you to listen to episode 144, if it’s really hard for you to know how to prioritize your life according to God’s will. And again, in the context of making intimacy a priority.

51:13
If there are husbands listening, who want to invite their wives to listen to this podcast, I really did record this podcast for you. There are so many husbands that reach out to me, in absolute such suffering and pain, they have just been through. I just can’t imagine what they’ve been through for years and years and years of redacted rejection, and loneliness and sadness and suffering, because their own wife who committed to cherish and honor and serve him till she died. She is not even close. She’s completely non understanding who he is as a man. So these, these husbands right into me, and I don’t know how to help them. I don’t know, I do this podcast because I’m trying to get the word out. So I hope, I hope this is a gift for wives that a husband can give to his wife, when she’s ready, that he can give this to her and say, Honey, I love you. I want to live a happy future with you. I want what we are together to increase and get better and better. And I believe this is something that would really help me to feel loved when I’m with you. Together, I would love to grow in our marriage. And the reason I say when she’s ready is because I asked you dear husband, I this may be the time to share this with her, but it may not be. And I asked you to just be prayerful about when and how to present this material to her. And, you know, listen to those episodes, I mentioned 156 through 157. See how you can implement the things that you can implement as a man that you can do what you can do as a husband to make her feel safer and more cherished and more attractive to you. And then maybe it’s going to be two months from now maybe six months from now, maybe a year from now when she’s going to be ready to receive this particular episode. Because it’s more important that it’s the right time than it is that it’s immediate. I know that you’re impatient. I know it’s been a long time. But what’s six more months when it’s been, however many years of loneliness and pain. So I encourage you to your husband on that and think about how you can help think about how you can give her like do her chores and take things off of her plate. How can you do that? How can you be active in your part there? Let’s just pray. Father, I just asked for the wife listening on the other end of my voice God I thank you that she’s listened all the way to the end. I pray God that you would soften her heart God, I pray that you would open her eyes in the way that you desire to God. If there’s anything that I’ve said that’s been off point, I pray God that you would show her God I pray that you would heal her heart there’s so many things, so many reasons. She has to feel the way she does. So many experiences. It could be abuse, it could be resentment that’s built up over the hurt and pain that she’s received from her husband. It could be ignorance that that came from her her family and and the different you know sin that’s that’s been put on her and I just ask that you would heal her heart. I pray God that you would heal their marriage Lord, you want so much more for their relationship and not just happiness. But holiness and productivity in your will in this life God, that we’re living for eternity God and what they do as husband and wife in the privacy of their own bedroom matters. God give them the Insight give her the insight to understand that God and I pray that she would be she would want to understand more that she would want to seek out more and give her the grace and the time and the motivation the energy to do that Lord. In Jesus name we thank You that You are the one that changes hearts God. I pray that you would encourage the husband listening. Give him wisdom and endurance Lord, we love you. Amen.

200-Two Types of Sex: Masculine & Feminine

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Are you having the WRONG type of sex?

Why your wife doesn’t LOVE intimacy
Why sex feels carnal (and maybe sinful!)
Why sex feels like it’s just for HIM
Why sex isn’t fulfilling (EVEN if you orgasm)
I argue that there is a very legitimate reason… You guys haven’t made feminine sex….ever
- Have you ever even been exposed to what feminine sex is?
- Let me give you a description and then the tools on how to get started!
  - Go to www.delightyourmarriage.com/type for further explanation and a step-by-step guide to feminine sex

Resources referenced:
- Miss Representation documentary
  - If you want to know more about our sexualized culture and how men have defined those you can check this own
  - My very serious warning is there’s a ton of very negative visuals–sexually-explicit music videos, movies with very provocative clothing… but they have really educational good content
  - What I would suggest is turning it on your phone and then turning your phone over so you can hear the content without being exposed to the crude and sinful visuals…or just trust that somehow I gleaned what would be helpful for you!
- A great TED talk which explains how our movies are lacking female influence, thus the feminine values and sexual desires: The Data Behind Hollywood’s Sexism

FREE (Potentially Life-Changing) Opportunity
- I am doing a limited amount of FREE Clarity Calls to help wives go deep and truly understand and get clear on what is prohibiting them from getting to the intimacy and marriage God wants for them.
- The catch? IF I think I can help you (and I don’t think I can help every woman I speak with) I may invite you to be one of the few women I coach this month.
- But if not, you’ll definitely get a ton of value from the call, so get on my calendar soon — right I believe my next Clarity Call is available in 3 weeks from now… so get on the calendar as soon as you can so your marriage can blossom as God wants it to!! www.dym.as.me
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transcript
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah. Rose.

0:19
Hi, and welcome. Thank you so much for joining me. I am belah rose, and I, by God’s grace am intimacy expert, and coach, award winning podcaster. And author. So by God’s grace, this podcast is actually been named one of the top 30 relationship podcasts on the net, can you believe that phrase, God, so I was so grateful that you are joining me, and I’m so grateful for this work has helped so many around the world. So, yeah, let’s dive in. This is a very important topic to me. Because when you have both types of sex, and I’m going to tell you what that means, in your marriage, you are able to have a very fulfilling, and life giving intimacy for both husband and wife. Okay. So before we dive into the full content, I want to tell you that I in the time right now that I’m doing what I call Clarity Calls, and essentially what this does is, is it provides a space and time for a wife to speak directly to me about what’s going on in her intimacy. And I don’t know how long this is going to be free. But for now, I am able to offer it for free, and 40 minutes plus that sometimes that goes far over that. But the idea is to help you see what’s underneath the surface and us to go really deep. So that you can have that amazing marriage so that you can walk in God’s will more fully because your marriage is actually supporting that. So I’ve had so many of these amazing conversations and women have been so kind to trust me with their stories and their hearts things that often they have never told anyone. And so it’s just an amazing time to see so much. Yeah, release and feelings of being heard and processing through the pain and the hurt that they have endured for so long. But this is an opportunity for you to get on that call directly with me. The catch is that if I feel I can help you, and I don’t feel like that with everyone, in fact, sometimes I will instead direct you to other resources. Because it doesn’t seem like it’s the right fit. It doesn’t seem like it’s the right time, it doesn’t seem like I’ve got the specialization that’s really going to help you. But if I do feel like we’re the right fit. And I feel like you have the qualities that I know I can work with, because I can’t like I said not everyone is committed, decisive, resourceful, and coachable, which is required if you’re going to work with me. But if those are in place, and it feels like the right fit, I may invite you to be one of the few clients that I take on this month. So either way, even if we don’t go that direction, you’re going to get amazing value. And so yes, sign up as soon as you can. I think that the next opening unless I’m able to shift some things around in my calendar. I’m not totally sure. But right now, I believe it’s in three weeks. So definitely get on the calendar as soon as you can. So that we can jump into that, that call together. Awesome. Okay, well, let’s dive in. And I’ll talk to you in a moment.

4:03
Oh, right, awesome. So what do I mean by if you’re having the wrong type of sex? Well, I didn’t understand this for quite a while. And what I understood was what the enemy wanted me to understand was that sex was just for him, that I was doing, essentially a service for him when we would make love and I knew that there was more to sexual intimacy, I knew that there was more joy for me as a woman to be had. I knew that there were more you know, deeper orgasms in the vagina. I knew I had heard about these things. I knew that there was more awakening for my ReSSA and I knew that there was ways that I just knew there was more but I was not experiencing it. And so what I want to talk to you about is first off, you know why? You as a wife Why don’t you love intimacy? What? What is it about intimacy that you don’t love? Why sex feels carnal to you? Number two, number three, why sex feels like it’s just for him. And number four, why sex might not be fulfilling? Even if you have are having orgasms. Number five, why aren’t you physically craving sex? And then I want to talk about what is fully underneath all of those things. Why? What is going on? And then I want to talk about what practically you can do to get all of these things turn around? How can you have quote, the right kind of sex? Alright, so the first one is, why doesn’t? Why don’t you as the wife love intimacy? Well, a lot of times when I work with women, one on one, and myself, like I said, how I felt before was that what we would do insects was essentially, you know him, when when he was aroused, that’s when we would make love and when he was finished, that’s when it would stop. And even if he was generous in different activities, I still felt like ours, our sex life, my sex life, was really beholden to his desires and sex rather than a connection I wanted, I wanted an intimacy I wanted, even a spiritual union. And what we were doing did not feel like that in the least, it felt like he was just getting what he wanted, or he needed a release, rather than we were to be this unified, spiritually empowered experience for the both of us, it didn’t feel like what we were doing was what Jesus was talking about when he said the two will become one flesh. Now, a lot of times husbands listened to my podcast. And so what I want to say to a husband is that you probably are not on the same page with thinking this way. Because you are probably like, yeah, I totally get how this is a spiritual experience. I’m like, high in the heavens, by the time we are done, and I’m super in love with my wife, and all the oxytocin that’s been released all the chemicals that’s just been exploded all over my body and my brain and all over the place. Like, of course, this is spiritual, but for your wife, not necessarily the case, not necessarily the case. And so, yeah, that was me. That was me feeling like, feeling like, this wasn’t something that was actually like a deep, true, intimate connection. It was like, Yeah, I mean, there was benefits afterwards, like we were kinder to each other there was, you know, it was easier to be on the same page. He definitely had a better attitude for the next couple days, you know, those were the kinds of things but it wasn’t like the experience was actually what I as a wife felt was spiritual or unifying, or connecting or emotionally. Yeah, there for me. It wasn’t, it wasn’t that. Yeah, it just, it just felt very, very non helpful in in the ways I really wanted it to be. Alright, so that’s the first one. The second one is why does it feel carnal? Why does it feel sinful? Well, for me, you know, for a long time, I thought that sex and the the activities and the views the visuals, I knew he wanted to see me I knew he wanted me to seduce him. But I felt like I was doing something that looked like all the sin I had seen in movies and X rated stuff that, you know, I was doing things that reminded me of the sin I had viewed. And so why does it feel carnal? Well, of course, you know, if I’m comparing myself or looking at myself as though

9:12
you know, I were one, I was one of those women, you know, of course, I would feel that it was sinful, but I did feel like that regardless of the commitment in, in, in, in, in marriage, I still felt like I was doing something that was wrong, because it looked just like the stuff I knew was sinful. So that was number two. Number three is why sex feels like it’s just for him. So this, again, was like, okay, he needs it. It’s been a couple of days. It’s been a few days, like, Okay, we’ve got it, we’ve got to get this done. And it just felt like something that was on my calendar, something that was on the schedule, something that had to be accomplished, otherwise, you know, he wouldn’t, he wouldn’t get what he needed. And that was not a good feeling, you know, sure, I could do it for a while. But after years of feeling like, Okay, I just got to get this done, you know that that’s not going to support you guys, and it wasn’t a support for us eventually, you know, I’m resenting that, I’ve got to have this on my calendar, I’ve got to make sure my whole day is planned around this, because he’s the one that needs it. And so that was very important. A realization of like, you know, this has got to change because if I continue on like this, I’m going to be just like those women who are, you know, 30 years into their marriage, and they do their, quote, duty, or they don’t, because it’s felt like a duty for so long. And I don’t want that. I don’t want that for me, I don’t want that for us. And so it’s got to change is what I made that realization that it just can’t be this way. Just can’t. And the next one, though, is I wanted to talk about how I felt like even though I was orgasming, even though I had the, quote, pleasure in sex I It wasn’t fulfilling. It didn’t make me want to return for more. It made me to feel like, okay, there was that. But I’m not craving the physical experience, my body doesn’t desire it, I felt like I would have to just drum up, you know, excitement. And then you know, this unfulfilled experience, even if it did result in orgasm, even if that wasn’t an issue for us. And it’s an issue for far more women than you would think. And a lot of, I’ve seen statistics that say like, one in four, one in three women have never orgasms. So don’t don’t feel alone if you’re in that situation. But even for women that do orgasm, on a consistent basis doesn’t mean that sex is this unbelievable experience, because sometimes women have only experienced clitoral orgasms. And that’s not the only sexual orgasm to be had. There are more that are deeper in the rest of that, that cause you to feel this deeper different connection and different release and different unification that yeah, let me talk a little bit more about that. But yeah, why sex wasn’t fulfilling, even though I was experiencing what quote I was supposed to be. I was supposed to be experiencing this fulfillment. But I, you know, didn’t matter whether or not I was I was having the orgasm. So let me tell you, what I discovered by God’s grace. So these were really things that I was just like this can’t go on, especially since I myself was teaching women to make love regardless, to take to make love in your marriage because of all those important benefits. But for a long time, I wasn’t receiving the emotional intimacy, that I needed, the spiritual intimacy that I needed to truly feel that this was fulfilling for me. You know, but I had a lot of times just had to trust that this is what God wants. But I wouldn’t necessarily feel that it was that spiritual connection for my husband, he did. But I didn’t. And that was important, of course. So what I did was I really invested in a journey for myself, to learn more about why this might be the case. And by God’s grace, now I’ve developed a framework to understand what was wrong. And now that I’ve worked with women on this, it’s been super, it’s just been so effective and helpful for them to have this greater

14:05
just revolutionized understanding of themselves and their bodies and the intimacy that they can experience. So let me talk about what that framework is. It is the masculine sex versus feminine sex. Now let me start off this conversation saying that men, whole men can experience and enjoy both and whole women can experience and enjoy both. So first off, don’t feel like this means that only men enjoy this or only women enjoy this. But what it is, is it represents kind of categories that I believe is really helpful for us to understand so that eventually what are intimacy looks like is amazing masculine sex and amazing feminine sex and eventually get to a spot where when you are, you know, deeply enjoying One and you deeply enjoy another eventually, you know, your your sexual intimacy might end up looking like times that you are intertwining each of them, or you’re mostly focused on one or you’re mostly focused on the other. But let me tell you about that. So the masculine sex, that is what I want to tell you, is probably what you’re having in your sex life, if you are all those things I described, if you’re a wife that doesn’t love intimacy, if you think that sex is carnal, if you think that sex feels like it’s just for him, if you feel like sex isn’t fulfilling, spiritually, intimacy emotionally. And if you feel like it’s just not fulfilling, even pleasure wise, even if you have orgasms, more than likely, you are only experiencing masculine sex in your marriage. And I want to just kind of talk about that, because what we have been exposed to in our society is what I would argue, just masculine sex. So what we have seen in movies, in X rated stuff is all about the masculine sex, and kind of what that looks like in intimacy. And so what, what I want to just, like, you know, tell you about is the reason that we have only seen masculine sex in our society, the places that you sadly have probably learned about sex is through movies, is through advertisements is through pornography. And here’s what I want to say is that movies are representations of masculine sex. And you’re like, what, come on Bella that that can’t be true. There’s women involved in films. Yeah, there are women actors, but the women actors are representations of what a man wants in sex. And let me argue that a quick moment because movies are generally male actors, even women and men in the industry, when polled, when asked questions of who you think, would be a better director of a movie? Generally, the answer is a male, because that is what the industry has looked at for many years. And it hasn’t changed. So from the 1950s, I believe it was the 1950s Till now, the amount of male directors, to female directors, that ratio has not changed. So for the top 100 movies of 2017 92% of the directors were men 92%. And so men, obviously see as something attractive and exciting, and fulfilling of movie is if there is a sexual presentation. But for men, that sexual presentation is of the male sex, because they don’t, they are not fulfilled by what feminine sex would be. Let me give you a bit more statistics between 800 films between the years of 2007 to 2015 886. Directors, this particular research search group studied, only 4.1% were women, out of 886 directors, only 4.1% were women, which means that the values the sexuality, the understandings of intimacy, were from men. And if you’re a Christian, and for most of the people that listen to my podcast, they were not taught about sex in their home. So they never had a good, biblical, appropriate understanding of sex. So they learned it through

19:08
movies, they learned it through the representations of sex on film. Now, I’m going to give you the specific statistics, the sites and whatnot in the show notes, so don’t worry about that you can always go back there’s an awesome TED Talk. That will also reference the talk about this specifically. So yeah, so that is so you can double check these kinds of things, but there’s also a really fantastic documentary called Miss representation. It is on EMI SS and the second word is representation. The it’s on Netflix. The caveat I would say is that it’s packed full of really amazing material. The trouble is that they give you a lot of visuals of the bad kind of, you know, just, you know, the negative ways that women are viewed and so it gives you a million visuals of music videos and you know, women shaking their you know, the stuff that only has a budget say, they give you a ton of all that, those, those visuals. So if you are going to watch it, I would just be careful. And you know, for me, I ended up having to like just turn the turn my phone down and just like listen to it as though it were an audio book. And that was actually totally worthwhile. But anyway, what this documentary really dives into is for girls, they get the message that what is most important about them is the way they look. And boys get the message that what is the most important thing they should want from girls is their body, and is the way they look. So women get these lies. And there’s a huge, you know, obviously obsession with the way women and men look 65% of women, this was a the film was made, I think 2011. So they had a statistic from 2009. So it’s 10 years ago, but I am sure it’s only gotten worse. But they said the 65% of women have an eating disorder. Now I had an eating disorder years ago. And it’s a it affects your whole life. It’s an obsession, and it’s a shame, and it keeps you from doing God’s work because you’re again, obsessed and distracted with not living in God’s will, because you’re so yeah, seeking what the societal norm is. The other thing to be aware of is advertisements, the media, it is shaping our society. And, you know, billboards and and all the things their true purpose in all that advertising. And I’ll tell you that, again, this documentary, in 2009, the US spent $235.6 billion on advertising. And they said that 80% of countries of the whole world have GDPs less than that. So 80% of countries have GDPs less than what we spend on advertising. So this is insane how much our culture our society seeks to make us feel insecure. So that we will purchase so that we will buy their products and for women so they can feel sexy and good and attractive, so they can attract men so that they can, you know, buy clothing that accentuates all the assets for men and for men, so that they feel powerful and good enough and you know, able to take on this earth, the world and you know, all that kind of stuff. Advertising is is affecting our values. So deeply. So significantly, it’s pervasive, even though we don’t realize it. Now, let me tell you, you’re like, okay, great advertising, great, but there’s probably women that, you know, there’s women that are directing that kind of stuff. Well, there are, there are women that are involved in you know, the industry, but let me tell you what misrepresentation that documentary talks about is at the very, very top of these media companies, and and just so you know, you know, media companies are

23:32
purchased by other more larger media companies. And then obviously, you’ve got larger media companies that then purchase those. And, you know, it’s it’s a, it’s so you’ve got, you know, tons of companies, it seems like our media, we’ve got, you know, tons of options. But actually, all these media companies are owned by only a couple of companies, only a few, very few. And so what they talk about is actually at the very top of these media companies are men throughout the leadership, it is men. Not only that, but even if women start to infiltrate these leadership roles, when you have a culture of a company a certain way, there is very little you can do to change that, as women, even when we get leadership roles in companies, which it’s still quite a glass ceiling. And in many companies, you look at the CEOs, you look who’s at the table, there might be a woman, there might be two, but there is not 50% women but even if there were the culture of the company has already been established, and has been established on male values, desires, sexual understandings. It’s already been established. It is hard to change that to change the track of a company, the culture of a company. I mean, I don’t know where you’ve worked in your life. But has it been easy to, to change what already was established before you got there? If you found your own company, if you, you know, created the company yourself why then that’s a very different story, you establish the culture, but if it was there before you got there, it is not easy. So what we have seen, I hope that has made it clear what you have seen, what you have experienced is the masculine understanding of sex, what men crave from sex, and obviously, pornography, you know, one out of every five searches on the internet, and this is a horrible statistic, one out of every five at least, is for pornography. One out of five, the billions of people on the earth, the billions of companies that that use the internet for really wonderful things. And then for it to be one in five is searching for that sinful, sinful stuff. That is so sad. It is so sad, but it is mostly men. You know, certainly women are addicted to pornography. You know, I was, and that any started out by just my curiosity, just seeking how to understand sex, what am I supposed to even do? What is sex, I mean, I had no exposure, I no understanding. And so that’s how it started. And then, actually, it started by stumbling on a pornographic site when I was trying to do my homework, as terrible as that is. So get some guards on your computer, parents get guards on your computer, covenant eyes.com go there by a plan, how important it is for the soles of your kids to not accidentally stumble upon this, that then will cause them to have an addiction, the shame, the pain, the guilt, the pulling them away from Jesus, destroying their soul. That’s what it says adultery does. And Jesus said lusting after someone is committing adultery with them in your heart. So once again, just kind of circling back to the pornography is mostly for men. It is mostly for men, it’s it’s their, their what they enjoy in sex, you know, that dominance, that power that? You know, release the woman desiring him. And, you know, I talked about that on my last week’s podcast, and I got so much amazing, positive result of responses by God’s grace. But that’s what men want in sex. That’s what men want in sex. And it’s so important. It’s so important. That’s, I mean, this is a vital, important thing. So I’m not demonizing male sex, but I’m telling you be aware that that might be the only kind of sexual experience you have ever been exposed to. So if it is not.

27:53
If you’ve never, if it’s not fulfilling, why then that’s probably because you’ve never enjoyed anything else. And a wonderful, intimate relationship is when both happen in your marriage. Alright, so you might be chomping on the bit and you’re like, Okay, well, I get it, I get it. I get it. Let me just know what feminine sex is. Okay. Let me tell you. It is about connection. It is about slowness. It is more meditative. It is about the energies exchanging which is the spiritual aspect. And so if pornography and advertisements and media and movies are essentially the unredeemed understanding of masculine sex, what I would then say is the unredeemed understanding of feminine sex is tantric sex and Taoist philosophies of sex and Hindu philosophies of sex, that are centuries and centuries old, that are so much more focused on once again, the spiritual energetic realms of how to enjoy intimacy. And so what I have practically for you, is what that looks like to enjoy. But the idea is that there is deep union to be had that is fulfilling for her and when she feels fulfilled and safe in her bedroom, through feminine sex, why then, she is awakened and able to then really indulge in the masculine sex because I certainly I’m not trying to throw out masculine sex that’s amazing and fun and seductive and exciting and powerful and dominant. Back and forth and back and forth. That’s great. That’s what my resources are about. Obviously, my podcast is is so frequently about that kind of stuff. But if you are not enjoying the other ways of making love, this other more feminine way of making love why then she’s not going to potentially she’s not going to be a genuine in her ability to make love in the other ways. And that potentially could turn into feeling like it’s a duty or a chore. But if she is filled up in the feminine sex way, then the masculine sex is so much more of a outpouring of that desire. And she can physically crave that as well. How do you start getting into this feminine sex where you’re like, well, that, you know, I could I, we are not at a place where we can even start doing this other kind of thing. And it how do we start. And so what I work with women on is what I call connection sessions. And so it’s very important to start slow with this, because it is, essentially connection sessions are going to be an investment into having fiery awesome sex in more masculine sex. So these connections, sessions are not going to feel like necessarily, like you’re, you know, doing a whole or getting a whole lot done. But what it is going to do is, it’s, it’s a practice, that’s going to be a foundation, for her to feel safe in sex, for her to feel like she has a voice in sex for her to be present in sex, for her to have power in sex, her own feminine power and sex. And so this is training her to have those things. And it is also training him to value her in those things. And most of the time, men want it, they want her to have a voice they want her to enjoy, they want her to relax, but they don’t know how to get there. And their connections sessions are a training for a couple and it doesn’t.

31:55
It doesn’t excuse me, it doesn’t replace the other ways of making love. So what I often say is for masculine, that’s I call it fear, sex, and then for the more feminine, that’s more passionate sex. And then we’ve got connection sessions that allow a woman to get to a place where both of those sexual experiences are very fiery and good and fulfilling. So yeah, go to www dot delight your marriage.com/type. So that’ll be giving you the, you can get the download the PDF that I’m going to send you that give it a bit more explanation. And as well as the actual how you do these connections sessions, because I want to give you it very clearly. Obviously, working with me one on one is you can get there far faster, you can get there far better, because I can tailor my work with you specifically to what you are going through what you’ve gone through where you are in your marriage, how safe do you feel in your marriage? You know, is he even willing to do this kind of stuff? And how to why? Or how do you get him to and like I said, I love working with women on that, because it’s so important. How do you how do you get there so that you are loving intimacy so that sex feels right and good and holy and spiritual, and godly, so that sex feels like it’s for you just as much as it’s for him. So that sex is fulfilling. And you have deeper orgasms than just maybe clitoral orgasms, where you have that deeper release that causes you to have that route of relaxation and safety and feeling held in in emotionally. But you get that feeling through sex. It’s like how that seems bizarre. It seems totally outside of any of my experience. Well, the beautiful news is, it’s it’s some it’s out there for you, it’s just for you to take the steps to do it. And like I said, I love walking women by the hand through this, so that they can get there. You know, as much as I want to give you free material to get you there. working one on one with women is deep heart change. You know, I talk to women all the time that have listened to my work and been a student of my teaching for a long time. And then I get on the phone with them. And it feels like there’s so much that they have missed not not because, you know, they haven’t, you know, been a good student or whatever, but just because they weren’t able to apply it to their life. And so by God’s grace, I have the ability to work with them one on one and say, oh, okay, this is an underlying belief system that we need to root out and we need to deal with head on and if we don’t, you’re not going to be able to to enjoy these things. This is what’s stopping you. Okay, so let’s go ahead and talk more about that go to www.dy M dot A s dot M, E, and you and I can jump on a call for 40 plus minutes to really get clear on what is stopping you. Okay. And once again, it’s a free call for now, I’m not totally sure how long it’s going to be able to be free. But for now, definitely lock that in as soon as you can.

35:27
Alright, well, I am excited for you. I’m so excited for next steps with you. And I will send you that documentation if you go to www dot delight your marriage.com/type T Y P E. And you’ll get more understanding and clarity on the different types, as well as what a connection session would be for the two of you. And definitely haven’t listened to this podcast episode before you dive into do the connection sessions because that’ll also give him a lot of understanding and commitment to the experience himself. Awesome. Well, God bless you. I hope this has been a really wonderful investment of your time. And thank you for just joining me you didn’t have to you could have done so many other things with your life. I know you’re busy. And I’m just grateful that I got to have your ear for 40 minutes or whatever. So God bless you. Let me pray for you, Father, God, the wife on the other end of the line, Lord, she loves you. She’s seeking you god she’s seeking your well God, every step of the way every day Father, what is it that is keeping her from doing your well in this world? What is it what is the obstacle God from from keeping her from having amazing intimacy with her husband from having that unification from having that spiritual connection to then do your will be supported in the desires, the passions of her own heart that you have given her God? I asked God that you would reveal it to her that you would show her her next steps God and she would not end this podcast even without deciding what her next steps should be. There’s so many distractions in this life and in this world that, you know, can lie to her and make her feel like something other than her marriage is priority. And you know, God, your priority is you first, then our marriage, that our kids, then loving one another everyone else or ministry, whatever that looks like. And then it’s making money. And then it’s that career or, you know, investments or whatever that you know, financial pursuit, I pray God that you would give her the grace to prioritize the way that you want her to in her life, God, not the way she’s expected to because of our society, but the way you want her to God, and give her the grace to say no to everything she’s been taught about her body, her sexuality, her value, based only on those things, but that she is truly your daughter. She is a conduit of your power, and your might and your change in this world. Lord, we love you. You’re so good. Thank you for teaching us whatever you whatever nuggets you needed her to hear. Let those things stand out in anything that wasn’t for her to hear that wasn’t appropriate to her life or what she’s going through that you would just cast that aside and let her just forget that and that she would really move forward with what you have for her. Amen. Awesome. I’ll talk to you next Tuesday. God bless you. Bye.

38:44
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion.

199-The 3 Things He Wants In Sex

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So… my husband listens to every podcast before I post them. He often gives me notes on what I need to take out or change. I have been podcasting since Feb 2015 (!!) and by God’s grace have been awarded one of the Top 30 Relationship podcasts on the web!!

My husband ended up listening and having an entire page FULL of notes.

POSITIVE notes! (One negative note–not that it was wrong but that it might be a bit too explicit. I countered “I just don’t want wives to be confused with what I’m really talking about”. He said well, it’s ABSOLUTELY true…” so, I left it it in!)

In my almost 200 episodes (!!) my husbands said this is one of the best–maybe THE BEST.

So! I encourage you to listen with an open heart and get ready for some (maybe uncomfortable) truth bombs!

Here is the site I mention where I have collated a sampling of SOME of the emails I get from husbands WISHING (and some even are crying) because they want so badly for their wives to work with me! Seriously…read it… delightyourmarriage.com/husbands

AND if you want to jump in and schedule a FREE Clarity Call where we unpack what’s going on in your marriage, in your intimacy, the baggage and start to shed light on how to move it in the right direction, I am offering FREE 40+ min Clarity Calls. You can sign up here: www.dym.as.me

I don’t know how long I’ll be able to do these for free as it’s a giant time commitment–but I love being able to help women. And if I think I can help, you’re ready, committed and coachable and that I have the specialization to help your SPECIFIC situation I may invite you to be one of the few clients I take on this month. (I truly don’t take on or even invite everyone who wants to work with me). But either way, you get a ton of clarity and direction towards next steps! So, sign up as soon as you can for a FREE Clarity Call with me, Belah! www.dym.as.me

transcript

0:19
Hey there, and welcome, I am so grateful that you joined. This is belah rose. And what I am talking about today is what your husband really wants in bed. Now I work with women, on a one on one basis as a coach, I’m an intimacy and marriage expert, and award winning podcaster and author. So I love working with women on how to revolutionize their sex life, and really have the marriage of peace and joy and purpose. Because I believe that you can do God’s will better when you have an incredible marriage and incredible intimacy in it. So what I’m actually offering right now, limited time, I’m not sure how long I’m going to be able to do this because I have limited time with this work that I do. But for right now, you can grab some time with me on my calendar I’ve I’ve offloaded some things so I can have some time with you. So if you go to www.dy M dot A s dot M E, and you can sign up for a free clarity call with me directly. So we spend 40 plus minutes on what’s going on specifically in your marriage. And we unpack some of the underlying beliefs that are keeping you from incredible intimacy, incredible emotional connection. And what’s really blocking you guys from moving forward in the marriage that you really want. So go ahead to dy m dot a s dot M E. And, you know, if I feel that you are the right fit, and I feel that you’re ready, committed, coachable, then I might invite you to be one of the few clients that I work with. I don’t invite everyone because I truly don’t want to work with everyone. If they’re not ready to work with me. It’s not it’s not a wise use of my time. And it’s certainly not a wise use of their time and money and investment. So but yeah, it’s a fantastic time on the call with me. Either way, you’re going to get incredible value, whether we decide to move forward together or not. So go ahead and sign up there. www.dy M dot a s.me. All right, well, let’s dive into this steamy topic. I think you’re gonna love it. And I’ll talk to you in a minute.

3:11
Alright, fantastic. So first off, thanks so much for joining me, thank you so much for trusting that I have some insight on this topic. And I want to just give you a little bit of insight on where I’m coming from. So I’ve been doing this work for several years. And maybe you’ve actually been a listener of the podcast for a long time. And I want to just let you know, dear wife, that I get emails from husbands all the time. And I’m at a place right now where I’m busy. I’m busy with doing Do you I am full time. I love it. It’s really incredible. But I don’t know how to respond to husbands at this point. Aside from saying empathetic things, like it sounds really hard what you’re going through, and I understand your pain, and I’m so sorry, what you’re going through. But it’s very hard for me to tell them what to do next. Because if a wife isn’t ready, I can’t help her. I can’t work with her. So I’ve actually taken some time. Just put together a list of just some of the emails I receive on a consistent basis basis. A lot of times weekly, I get emails like this. So I’m just going to read a couple of them to you to help maybe convince you of where I’m coming from and that it it truly is. What husbands are looking for that they’re shocked at the work I do and the level of an stand because they’re there. They’re seeking this third, they’re desperate for the kind of work and the kind of help by God’s grace I’m able to give. So here’s what it says. It literally sounded like you were sharing our story and my struggle in it. I shed a fair amount of tears each time I listened to it. It was the first time I have ever felt like someone else understood, and appreciated my, our struggles. Everything that was shared was point by point me, my marriage, family and background. As I reply here, I still wrestle to fight back the tears. Man, it is so hurts. I have thought numerous times about divorce, but don’t want to. But the pain is huge. And it comes and goes like the tide. Sometimes I get tired of waking up at night in my own tears in love for my wife. I want to do whatever it takes to help her. But my hope wanes. So this is a man that reached out to me. And we did some back and forth. And I asked him to listen to a specific podcast. And that’s when he responded that way. Here’s another husband that says, I feel like I’m trapped in a marriage with someone who just doesn’t care. Now this man is talking about sexual intimacy as as the first as well, but so that’s when he saying he feels trapped. And then he says, divorce is not an option for me. I am resigned at this point to live in a diminished marriage lonely place with my wife, I take meaning and joy from the many other relationships in my life, and find friend and familial love and affection nurtures my heart. But it’s not the same as from my wife. Here’s another one. Now this happens a ton. When husbands basically asked me, you know, how can I get my wife to start listening to you to start, you know, getting on your emails, without, you know, making it clear that I’m the source of that.

7:13
So let me read that one to you says, Have you ever been approached by a husband seeking to anonymously introduce you your work to his wife, I don’t want to be manipulative. And perhaps that is exactly what I’m being. But I am struggling with losing hope for recovery. And then he says after 30 plus years of marriage, I can’t believe I and slash we are dealing with this level of marital unblessed. Not sure if that’s a word, I fully acknowledge that I’m not the best husband in the world. But I really tried to be forgiving, thoughtful, creative, understanding patient and kind. I can’t talk to anyone there because he’s talking about his church. I can’t talk to anyone there because I could never air these most personal feelings and marriage problems to people, or a person who would see us both each week, I could never feel comfortable revealing what our shortcomings in my marriage in my wife, you know, and this is a man who doesn’t want to tarnish his wife’s or vacation at her at his church, but he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t know where to turn. Here’s another one, I’m amazed at your understanding of the male perspective on intimacy. I also realized that I am not providing you any new feedback on your unique ability to capture the male point of view. I’ve tried to talk to my wife about sensitive issues regarding me manhood, male idiosyncrasies, but it is very hard to be open and vulnerable, at the same time strong, all the while keeping my male ego intact. When it comes to the topic of Penny, you are spot on. Unfortunately, this need that I have is not an easy subject to talk about with my wife, our intimacy is rather vanilla. And while it scratches the itch, it certainly isn’t what it could be with God’s blessing. I know you have offered some ideas to husband on how to ask their wives to take a listen to your podcasts and webinar. Unfortunately, those methods would not work with my wife, she would resent it and see it as me trying to manipulate her for my own gain. She would be more receptive of the opportunity to learn was not delivered by me. I don’t mean to impose but as I stated, I’m desperate for change and advancement in our intimacy. Oh my gosh, okay, so there’s a ton more, if you want, you can go to delight your marriage.com/husbands and like I said, I just compiled a sampling of what I received from husbands because, you know, I’m hoping what this does and me reading this helps you to, you know, see the hearts of men, they they’re not mean they’re not angry. They’re not, you know, abusive men. You know, they’re they’re trying To feel connected with their wives and, and this is what connects them here. Let me do this when he says just another note, this time to say thank you once again for your sensitivity in dealing with a sensitive topic. I’m learning so much about me and about my wife, the people who are affirmed, who have affirmed you for understanding not only of women but of men are so correct. This understanding is helped me know why I at times and frustrated, it has also helped me to pray through those more, in dream of more connectedness, our children have been out of the home for a few years already.

10:42
Let me see. Here’s another one. says, Wow, just some background when I am in the medical field, with a sound understanding of anatomy and physiology. It’s a female dominated field. And I’ve worked in several female, except for me, departments, and in any medical field colleagues do talk about anatomical physiological things that normally will don’t. So I’ve had occasion to talk to some women that sort of get men at some level. But I have never heard any woman that seems to understand and be able to articulate and express the heart of a man as well as you do. It seems to be at a very deep level. How did you learn that? Were you born with that understanding? What did you read? Who did you talk to? It is amazing to me to hear a lady with your level of understanding that you seem to have God bless you in your ministry. And this gentleman has actually also reached out to me several times about the lack of intimacy and understanding of his own wife. And like I said, I mean, it pains me to see how husbands are suffering, and how I can’t help unless the wives are ready, unless they’re committed unless they’re teachable, unless are coachable. Unless they trust that I know what I’m talking about, you know, so what I want to do today is help you to see what your husband wants and sex does he want, you know, once a month, you to turn off the lights and come into bed. Maybe you don’t have that much clothes on? And then you permit him to start kissing you. And then you endure whatever he does next. I mean, is that sufficient? Well, let me just ask you, you know, you as a wife, what is your deepest desire in your marriage? You know, what are the things that make you feel loved, that make you feel connected to your husband that after that happens, you just want to like relax and feel wow, I am so deeply loved in this marriage. That is what it’s like for a husband. Now, what I usually say for wives, what is usually their heart’s desire is to feel cherished is to feel treasured, to feel adored by their man. So that means maybe a long conversation about her emotions about her heart, how she’s feeling. And that, you know, having an attentive listener, the husband just able to look into her eyes and listen and ask questions and, and really feel what she’s feeling that makes her feel heard and understood and cared about and held, held in her heart, not necessarily even physically just held, cared for. You know, maybe it’s also physically cuddling, you know, holding her in a non sexual way, you know, hugging her, making her feel like she’s not alone. Physical contact that has no strings attached. Like that’s something that women crave so often. What is it that you your heart desires in your marriage that says, Yes, this is what I want. If I could get that every day from my man, I would be swooning. I would be on cloud nine. Butterflies would be in my stomach when I looked at him. What is that? What is that? No, take that. Whatever it is. Maybe it’s it’s a date night that he plans. Maybe weeks in advance. He gets the kids you know, play dates scheduled or you know babysitting, taking care of and gives you flowers, cleans the house. You know, and takes you to a fancy place, and you are just so feeling so adored. So in love truly deeply in love. Now take that, take that. And let’s think about what men truly want. You are not the same as your husband, your husband doesn’t want, necessarily what you want in your marriage, that is not the way he feels loved. But what makes him feel loved.

15:39
Let me tell you, it’s a woman that desires him sexually. That desires him sexually. That desires his member, let’s be very clear about it. That loves his member. The loves to touch it, to play with it, to kiss to adore to suck. All of those things is what your husband wants. He wants a woman that loves his member who loves it when he comes inside who loves the feelings of it? Who loves the response that her body has to his member? He wants that. Now is that him being a sex obsessed jerk? Like the rest of our culture that oppresses women and makes them feel bad about themselves and all that that stuff? No. That’s who God made him to be. God designed your husband’s member, he designed your husband’s penis. He even said, this is to me mind blowing honestly. When God told Abraham consecrate yourself to me consecrate every person in your family, all of your servants, everyone consecrate themselves to me and say, God, you are first in my life in my heart, you are first, God said make it physical, make it clear that I really am first. And you know what God asked them to do? To cut their member? Isn’t that? Doesn’t that seem strange? As a woman? Like why would you do such a thing? First of all, no one can see it. Second of all, you know, what? You remember is like so everything else? Why would you cut that thing? It doesn’t even seem like it’s you know, clean, or, you know, like a good thing to do. Excuse me. Um, but for men, they they get it? Because they’re like, yeah, that is the most treasured part of his body. That is what makes him a man. That is what gives him manhood is right there between his legs. And so as a wife, for you to honor, respect, desire, enjoy who he is, that is who he is. And you have the privilege of adoring that, of kissing that of enjoying that. That’s why I talk about penny on my podcast because studies show that men desire that even more than intercourse, because that shows that she is truly desires of him. Intercourse like she can endure. But Penny, she has to truly show her desire. Otherwise, it’s not as satisfying for him. And that’s why I think Penny is so important is because if she’s not comfortable with his member, Penny is not fun. Penny is not enjoyable. And a lot of times it doesn’t even result in an orgasm because she’s not comfortable. And he he’s not able to relax and enjoy it because she’s not enjoying it either. And maybe she’s even making uncomfortable faces. Maybe she thinks it’s dirty or wrong, or sinful. Like what the world shows it as and the world does show it as sinful. I get that and all those things, you know, that sadly, you’ve been exposed to about Penny has probably been sin. I mean, probably 100% is sin, any exposure you’ve had to it? That’s why I’ve reframed it as a whole different word, a whole different experience because that other word those other framings that is sinful, that is wrong. That is absolutely sinful, but in your marriage. That is accurate. That is correct. That is righteous. That is holy. Holy, that is a holy union between the two of you. So that’s number one, your husband wants you to love his member, to love it, to enjoy it, to desire it. And he wants to give you that pleasure. He wants to be the only thing that gives you pleasure. And the second thing is related, he wants you to enjoy sex. He wants you to enjoy the connection, the

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the feelings, the orgasm, he wants to watch, you have an orgasm, he wants to see that. He wants to watch you enjoy his member. He wants to watch you enjoy yourself. And it’s not selfish. Once again, this is the way God made him. He is desirous of his wife enjoying this incredible experience. That’s what he wants. He wants you to enjoy that. It’s just like you you want your husband to enjoy doing an incredible date. Incredible romance. He wants you want him to enjoy you sharing your heart with him. You don’t want him to be enduring it being okay, here’s another conversation we have to have. She clearly is hurt. She clearly has emotions. I’m just gonna listen. That’s not the way you want. You want him to want to do all those things. Right? And yet, we we don’t translate over to his. He wants us to want it. So if that’s something you’re like, there is no way I want sexual intimacy, I endorse it. I put it on the schedule, because I have to. Well, I want to challenge you. And I want to say maybe that needs to change. In fact, I’m actually calling you out and saying it does need to change. Again, I work with women, one on one on this kind of work, because it is that important. Sexual intimacy glues you together as a couple. And it’s spiritual. Make no mistake, when a couple is glued together through flesh on flesh. Right? Jesus talked about that. The two shall become one flesh. Right? He wasn’t talking about you guys would share the same dish towels. No, no, he was talking about physical intimacy. When you all are becoming one flesh, it is a spiritual thing. And you might say there’s nothing about our intimacy, that spiritual it is gyrating back and forth until he is finished. And then we’re done. And I want to say there’s actually other ways to make love. And you might be only enjoying the male type of making love the masculine intimacy, and I want to introduce you to feminine intimacy and you will enjoy that and so will he. So like I said, get on a call with me, get on a call with me for free, and we can unpack what is going on right now. And how do we move past that because this is that important. Alright, so I said number one, love is member number two, enjoy sex, that’s what he wants. And number three, he wants to see your body. This a lot of times women have a hard time believing because you know, oh, I have I’ve gained 50 pounds since our marriage. You know, I don’t have the perfect body. I see all those supermodels and I’m so far away from what that should be, quote should. And that is a lie from the enemy. He wants your body again. God designed him to love those curves man, to love your breasts to love your butt to love all the places in between. Your husband loves it. And so that’s he wants to see it. He wants the lights on. He wants you in lingerie. He wants you to take off the lingerie. He wants the process of seduction. He wants to see you seduce him. He wants your body he wants to see it. He wants to enjoy it. He wants that visual feast. Who is your body and you know sometimes I talked to women on these Clarity Calls and they told me about you know how they feel insecure about their body and you know what? I’m like honey, I am the same size as you. I am not a supermodel and yet I can still feel sexy and be sexy for my husband. Even when I don’t feel like it even when I’ve had a bad quote eating day a quote bad eating day, right where I’ve just you You know, let myself eat extra, and you know, had my my plate bigger than my stomach I got extra full, so I’m bloated and all this and you know what I can get past that I can still make love, I can still make myself feel confident. And it’s a discipline, but you know what it is worth it because that is what your husband desires, regardless of how you feel. That is what He desires. And like I said, I work with women one on one to get them to feel sexually, that it doesn’t have to be this anxiety provoking

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experience where you’re like, oh, no, he’s gonna see me, I’ve got flab and rolls and this and that, and I’m not perfect here. And there’s, you know, whatever you’re concerned about in your body, he wants to see it, you he is naturally attracted to the female form. Naturally, I’m sorry, but that is the way God made him. And and I’m not sorry, that is the way God made him and you are the only way that is a righteous holy way for him to enjoy the female form. And if you are robbing him of that, that’s a big deal. It’s not just about you, your body is not just about you, you warding him off to not look at your body is actually causing him to be tempted to look at other bodies, because he is so desirous of that. You know, my husband was incredibly addicted to pornography. And I say this, because I’m going to let him listen to this podcast after I record it, I’m gonna see if he is okay with me sharing that. But I want to share that because there’s, I would say 95% of men have been exposed, if not addicted at some point in their life to pornography. And the reason that is, is because number one porn is all about the visual, it’s all about women’s bodies. And number two, it’s all about masculine sex. And he wants both of those. It’s all about women enjoying men’s members, it’s all about the woman enjoying the sexual act. And so that is what pornography is. And so what I have had to do is do the hard work of retraining my mind and heart to realize that those women, I mean, that is two dimensional. That is not a satisfying experience that weighs on his conscience. And he knows that it is not a life giving experience. And so it’s funny, there’s actually movement in non Christian circles called no fap. Movement, and it’s all about men committing themselves to not watch porn anymore. And the reason is, is because they are seeing such ill effects. That distraction the way they’re looking at women, the you know, 90% of pornography is violent against women there. I mean, there’s just, I could go on and on and on about the negativity of porn and the effects on our society. But what I wanted to kind of circle back to is I asked my husband, you know, when he gave up porn, because I, you know, I asked him to I was like, it makes me feel like you’re having an affair. Like, what? I don’t know what to say like that’s, it feels like, I’m not your desire, it feels like you’re, you’re looking at someone else and and getting pleasure from someone else. I mean, it’s just such a, just a horrible, horrible feeling as a wife, and I’ve gone through that. So that’s why I can coach women through that as well, so that they can get to a place of peace, forgiveness, and confidence in the bedroom even though their husband has had such intense experience with pornography and it’s really freeing thing to get to the other side of that as a wife. Anyway, so because we have such a fantastic sex life my husband and I and I do understand the depths of of men’s hearts and minds and bodies. You know, that’s what my my book and video courses have been around But because I understand all those things, you know, I, I’ve vulnerably, you know, asked him, you know, what is? What’s your level of temptation for pornography? And he said,

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I was like, you know, let’s say, was it 1010? out of 10? Before? He’s like, Yeah, definitely. Oh my gosh, it was crazy. The temptation of it. And I was like, so, you know, is, are you still tempted? He’s like, Yeah, I mean, here and there. And, you know, for me, I’m like, that’s like a punch to the gut. Like, what? You’re still tempted. And I was like, Okay, so I’m clearing my throat trying to fight back tears. I’m like, Okay, what is your temptation now? And he’s like, one out of 10, maybe to one to two, I mean, probably one. And I was like, Are you just saying that to not hurt my feelings, and he’s like, No, I, it’s, it’s an incredibly different because of our sex life. And so I want to tell you to your wife, that just because he has struggled there before, it’s not because he doesn’t love you. It’s not because he doesn’t care about you. But I will say, your level of intimacy, your proficiency at the three things I just described, changes his temptation level, it is not the same, if you are turning off the lights, you’re getting into bed, you know, without any kind of seduction, those kinds of things like it doesn’t. It is not going to support him, by warding off the temptations that the world has. And again, God made sex so powerful to him. For God’s purposes, it was his design so that a husband and a wife could be glued together, so that they can take on this world so they can do God’s will. So he can be focused, even when he has an erection when he’s, you know, out because just random directions, I’ve got tons of explanations, men actually have around 11 erections every day, that might jaw drop you or you might have a, you know, shocking moment there. But that’s true. And every time an erection happens is pleasurable, and he thinks about sex. But he also thinks about sex when he’s not having an erection, because that’s the way God made him. But every time it comes, if his mind is saturated by the, the experiences he’s had with his wife, oh, my gosh, that’s what he suddenly is thinking about. He’s thinking about this woman that adores his member that he gets to view his, her her body, and she enjoys what he does to her in bed, like those are all things that then cause him to want that not. You know, the woman that’s wearing the revealing clothing, walking down the street, or in his office, or whatever, you know, so your ability to understand him and his heart and his body and his mind and not to judge it. But to respect it and love it is actually going to not just support your marriage, but support him and support your life, scattering your future together and his ability to focus and do God’s will in this world. And, you know, it’s also gonna help him to want what you want in this life, one of these testimonials. He said, Let me see if I can find it really quick. He said, Oh, he said I well, basically, I’m trying to find it, I don’t think I can find he’s like, it’s it’s frustrating. Because if she could understand this little bit of, oh, here we go. Here we go. So frustrating to me that my wife doesn’t seem to get the fact that she could so easily have me wrapped around her little finger in a very good way, with just a few simple steps. So I just want to encourage you like he, he does want to make you happy. He does want to listen to you and love you and the ways that you want. And when you understand his heart and his mind and you release those frustrations and and give him the visual feasts and enjoy his member and love it that way then he wants to respond in all the ways that you desire and to hold you and help you and do all the fruits of the Spirit that you know that he needs to do and walking with God’s in God’s will. And you can help him in that you can support him and love him in that. God bless you. I would love to have the time to work with you directly on this. You know I’ve got a ton of listeners by God’s

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grace. This is a really Successful badass. So I hope that you don’t get scared and say, oh my gosh, Bella must be too busy to talk directly to me. Because every time I talk to a wife, and she shares my her heart with me, I, I’m honored. And I pray for them. You know, it’s, it’s, um, you know, I do talk to a lot of wives, and they share their hearts. And I’m honored every time they’re vulnerable with me, because it’s not easy. And a lot of times, I’m the only woman, that or anyone that they talk to these things about, and my heart goes out to them, because I’m like, I can help you. You don’t have to suffer. You don’t have to suffer. And you can do God’s will better when you have an incredible marriage, incredible intimacy. So don’t Don’t be scared. Just go ahead and get on the phone with me. Let’s let’s unpack this together. Let’s see. Let’s do some dreaming. Let’s see what God wants to do in your life. And let’s see how to get there. All right, God bless you. And, yeah, I’ll talk to you next Tuesday. Love you, bye.

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I want to give a quick prayer to God about you and your marriage. Lord, I don’t know who is on the other side of this microphone. But I pray for her hearts. I pray for the way she is processing this information, this material God, I pray for, for open Ness in her heart, I pray for soft heart God, maybe she’s thought about her husband and society and the way God made him and even their conversations, maybe their arguments. And she you know, so much baggage, so much wounding because, you know, he hasn’t given her what she wants and, and she’s felt hurt. So she’s responded, you know, with this hurt way and wounded way. And then, you know, he is desiring something of her that she doesn’t even she thinks it’s it’s selfish and all these negative things. And I just ask Lord, that You would just soften her heart God and give her the grace to forgive her husband and to move forward. And willingness and kindness to to be generous in these ways and to move out of her comfort zone. And to be willing to make really scary but important changes, Father God and I also ask God that you would help her to realize she doesn’t have to do this by herself, and that I myself am a valuable and important and accessible resource for her. So that you would rec help her to recognize that this is so important. And I just believe that you’re going to direct her in her next steps, and help her to not leave this podcast without making an action without doing something that is going to cement this into her into her life. God. Father, I love you. And I believe that you’re doing important work in marriages in Jesus name. Amen. Once again, my dear, please go ahead and sign up for a free call with me, I would love that. I love the opportunity to speak to you. And God has done so much in so many lives through our work together. And I encourage you that we can do that too. So you just need to go to www.dy m.as dot m e and do it as soon as you can. Because I’m not sure how much time I’m going to be able to have to do this. But it’s been a lot of fun right now and a lot of impact. Alright, God bless and I will talk to you next week. Bye.

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Thanks for joining. If you’ve been inspired by this show, would you help spread the word? If you take a moment to review and subscribe others can find us more easily. Find out how to delight your marriage.com forward slash iTunes. Until next time, live with love, wisdom impassion

198-Fear of Change

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In this episode, I’m diving deep into how the enemy lies to us that change is so hard. But let’s talk specifically why the enemy tries to make it very hard to change.

transcript

0:18
Hi, there, welcome, welcome. I’m really grateful that you’re here. Thank you for taking some time to listen in. And I just hope that this show really encourages you and gives you an excitement for what God wants to do in your life and in your marriage. So just a quick mention that I have got some openings for wives to speak with me directly one on one free of charge. For a limited time, I’m not quite sure how much I’m going to have available or for how long I’m doing this, but I encourage you to go sign up, it’s d y m dot a s dot M E. And that is the purpose of that is a clarity call to help you uncover what is really going on what are the pain points and what are causes for those. And to give you some clarity. And if by the end, you know, the catch is that if I think I can help you, I’m going to go ahead and, you know, share with you some opportunities to work directly with me, potentially, as one of the few clients that I take on this month. So feel free to book in a clarity call. And once again, if I choose to take you on as a client, and I don’t choose everyone, unfortunately, because not everyone is in the place where they can change or ready to change. Or I feel I can actually help them. But if so I may I may discuss that with you. So anyway, either way, it’s a free call, and you’re going to get a ton of value from it. And it’ll be a really good special time for us. Let’s talk today about fear of change. Now this I find is very, very common with women I speak with. And I think in our society today, it’s extremely challenging to change. And I’m going to talk about why in just a minute.

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Awesome, welcome, welcome. All right, well, first off, I think that, you know, sometimes we get so used to how things are, and we just make the best of it, that we don’t see that there are even in any possibilities outside of the way things are. So maybe in our family of origin, you know, boundaries wasn’t a thing. You know, what was yours was your parents no matter what they could come and grab whatever was yours at any time. And especially if you grew up with addictions, in your family, alcoholism, or just just unhealthy relationships, dysfunctional families, that is really hard to change later in your life, maybe when you get married, and you have to tell your mother, no, we’re not coming for Christmas this year. I mean, the kind of guilt that you would end up, you know, not only receiving from her, but also just feeling on the inside, whereas that’s a perfectly acceptable answer is no, that’s that should be honored and, and respected and yes or no should not take away love from a relationship. So that’s just one example, as something that’s really hard to change as you move into a new season of your life. So I want to talk about the fear of change the fear of something different in your marriage. And I think that the problem that we encounter when we don’t change is that a lot of times that fear is actually keeping us from Godswill. As a Christian, we are supposed to look like Jesus, we are supposed to talk like Jesus, we’re supposed to think like Jesus. You know, the Bible is our guide guide. It is our light to our path. You know, we’re supposed to be changing by the renewing of our mind every single day. We are a new creation, we’re supposed to be led by the Holy Spirit. So if we are shackled by fear, then we’re not able to change. We’re not able to do what Jesus wants us to do not we’re not able to start that ministry. We’re not able to have that amazing marriage. We’re not able to parent the way that God wants us to. Because maybe for 1015 years we’ve been doing it A different way. So I want to talk about why change is so hard? Well, the first and I think one of the biggest reasons, and maybe the reason that, actually, you know, is the underlying thing of even all the rest of what I’m going to talk about, but it’s vulnerable to change, it is vulnerable to change. I just got this picture in my head of hermit crabs. I don’t know, if you grew up with hermit crabs. But every time we went to a beach, not every time, but it feels like it was multiple times, we came back with these hermit crabs. So my mom just thought it was fun to get us I don’t know, they were like a couple bucks. And so you would buy a hermit crab and they have a shell, if you’re not familiar with hermit crabs. So they have this shell, but eventually, they grow out of the shell. And what they have to do is shimmy over to the bigger shell. So you have them in this box. And when you start to realize they’re getting bigger, you put another shell in there that’s bigger. And sometime in the night, they shimmy on over to that new shell, and that’s their new home. Now, when they are changing shells, easily if a predator were there, kill him right away. Because the way hermit crabs deal with life, and for that what they deal with predators, is that when they find a predators coming, or they get scared, they quickly go inside their shell, they just completely retract inside.

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And so if they have to change shells, they are completely vulnerable, they have no protection at all, I actually have never seen what a hermit crab looks like on the like soft part of their body, I only know where their crab legs look like, maybe I’ll look that up after the show and posted on our show notes. But anyway, the point is that, you know, when you’re changing from one person to another, you’re vulnerable, you know, you’re taking off your armor and saying, I’m different, I’m becoming different, and everyone else can see it. And that’s hard, you know, again, with this hermit crab, when in the morning, we saw that he was in a different shell, and we’re like, Oh, he did it, he moved over. And we all could see it, we all knew that he changed shells. And that’s vulnerable. That’s hard, because you’re like, I don’t want anyone to know that. And this, you know, moves into my next point is this fear of being inconsistent? You know, so often we are, you know, we state our case over and over and over again, in our heads, to our partner, to our kids, to social media, to our friends. And so if we change our views on something, or we change our approach to something, or we change our behavior to something that is a ton of pressure that we’re going back against, we’re saying, shucks, I was wrong about all those things, or I’m changing my view on those things. So if you just recognize how difficult that is to go against all of that history, and be inconsistent with it. That is the first step to change. If you just recognize how hard that is. But then you realize it’s a paper tiger. It really is. I mean, honestly, it’s a paper tiger. Why does it matter? That you are inconsistent? You’re human. That’s what life is we change we grow older, we hopefully are growing wiser if we are wise. I’m going through a lot of the proverbs recently and I’ve got it just a ton of you know, Proverbs you know, underlined and they’re just constantly about wisdom. They’re just talking about constantly, you know, get wisdom. Here’s one take this is Proverbs 810. Take my instruction instead of silver and knowledge rather than choice gold, for wisdom is better than jewels and all that you may desire cannot compare with her. Isn’t that incredible? To think that everything you could desire in this world, whether it’s houses or even just good things like a great future for your kids or all this kind of stuff. Get wisdom, get wisdom. And wisdom requires you to change, it requires you to live according to it. Otherwise, it’s not wisdom at all. It’s just something you consumed and spit back out. You didn’t, you didn’t. It didn’t change you, because that’s not wisdom. So, um, so yeah, so so there’s this, this fear of being open of, of, of people thinking badly about you. You know, I think this is something that even, you know, even in Bible times, like, this was a big deal of people thinking badly about you. But you know, there’s Bible verses about the fear of man, that we shouldn’t be concerned about that.

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But nowadays, I think it’s extra, because, you know, public figures forever, you know, have had that pressure, especially because so many more eyes are on them. But you know, what social media has made? Most of us public figures, oh, my goodness, most of us are public figures, whether we like it or not. And, and, you know, now that the generation especially, that’s growing up now, I mean, they have been public their entire lives, you know, unless their parents have been vigilant, which, you know, we have been really careful about not posting most things to social media, just because I don’t know if my kids are going to want that posted in 20 years from now, are they going to want those silly stories? Or those funny videos? Or is that going to, you know, is that going to be ostracized or used against them someday, you know, so. But the point is, like, no matter what you are public, and you’ve got maybe 1000 friends on Facebook watching you. So that’s hard, because you’ve got this, you know, history of being a certain way, and suddenly, you’re going to change your views on things, suddenly, you’re going to act differently. You know, suddenly, instead of, you know, thinking your husband’s a devil being like, you know what, I’m going to actually respect Him and serve Him. And, you know, speaking of Proverbs, I just, here’s one that I was just looking at was, oh, hatred, okay, so this is Proverbs 1012. Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses. So, yes. So, you know, part of that, for me, it has been, like, you know, that’s, that’s why I don’t, you know, I, that’s why we’re not supposed to be gossiping, I’m, we’re loving by covering up offenses. We’re not, you know, when we are finished, you know, with a situation, you know, we can forgive them and cover it up, we don’t need to be telling people about this situation that happened, for example. Alright, so the next probably final thing I’ll say about the fear is, if I change, it’ll prove I was wrong to him. So all those many, many, many fights. I’m the wrong person suddenly, whereas I thought I was right for ever, you know, over and over and over again, I thought it was right. And now suddenly, I’m wrong. You know, that is pride, that his pride getting in the way for us walking in what God wants us to be walking in. And that is not God’s will. So, I want to talk about what’s necessary for change. Alright, and then I’m going to talk a bit about why are you afraid of change? Alright, so what’s necessary for change? Number one, vision? Why are you doing this? What’s the point? You know, what’s the point of making changes, making big, scary, difficult changes, facing your fear? And saying, You know what, this is a new way of thinking about my marriage. This is a new way of thinking about my sex life. This is a new way of thinking about our dynamic. But I want peace. I want purpose. I want to live in God’s will. I want joy. I want satisfaction. I want enough time to be able to pursue the ministry that I feel like God wants me to be pursuing. What is your vision? Why are you making changes? Why are you you know, doing the hard work that is going to make you

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again in line with God’s well is that what it is, you know, is at my you know, and then you have to you have to break that down like it, tear it tear down, you know is is the enemy just lying to you, you know, this is just selfishness. You just want affection, you just want to be the center of attention in your marriage, you just want him to desire you sexually, which is all carnal and lustful, anyway. And, you know, you just want to have pleasure in sex. And that’s not something that’s important. And, you know, I don’t agree, I think that those are things that God wants for you. And those are going to support the will that God has for your life. You know, sex is vital to the way you and he enjoys this life. And a fruit of the Spirit is joy, and peace. And that’s the Spirit working in your marriage. And sex is vital for that. So then, the next thing is, so I said, having a vision, that’s what’s necessary for change. The next thing is knowing your worth. You know, through Jesus, we are worthy. You know, God made our innermost being. He made our minds, he made our personalities, he made our bodies he made all the peculiarities of your skin, your skin color, your origin, your, your ethnic background, wherever you grew up, he made your accent, whatever language you speak, you know, God is the one that did that. And he so loved the world, he thought you were so awesome. Your worth was so great. That he dropped out all of his glory, to come after you and die. So that he could be with you. That’s the worth he sees in you. So you have to see it in yourself. You have to see that in yourself. Because if you don’t see your own worth, then why why why not settle for the mediocre life that you have? Why not just settle for, you know, the, the stuff you’ve been given? Why have a vision for more? Why? Why even consider that you could do a ministry that actually matters, because you’re not that special. But the truth is, you are you are Jesus thought you are worthy. So much so that he came from his glory, dropped all of that, to come after you. You are worthy because he said You are worthy not because you’ve done things well. But because he said that you are worthy. And so it’s up to you, then to believe that. And the third part I want to talk about is protecting what he values. What is beautiful in Proverbs also is that it says guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it flows. And it says the issues of life. But that’s like, basically it flows your ability to deal with life. Like that is what you’re protecting, protecting and guarding your heart guarding that worth that Jesus sees in you. You know, Jesus also talks about not casting your pearls before swine protecting that, you know he so if you imagine like having a pearl, like I just imagine, you know, something that’s, you know, almost the size of a dime. And just like hurling that into the slop of where pigs are eating like white. Why would you do such a thing? No, what you have to do is protect

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protect your and guard your heart. And so protecting your worth protecting what God has given you. And that’s what healthy boundaries are. That’s when you know you know that you have to say no to the good. So you can say yes to the best. Because if you’re constantly trying to please everyone, you’re not going to be on mission for doing what God wants you to do. You’re not going to be able to be prioritizing your life appropriately. So it’s God at the top and you make sure you are spending time with God every single day you are trembling at his word. You are humbly seeking Him every single day after that is your marriage, your most important human relationship. After that, is everything else. Maybe you have kids, so that’s next marriage, God, marriage, kids, after that is everything else. So your ministry, so maybe your ministry includes making money. You know, ministry is loving people. Okay, so whatever that looks like in your life, but if you don’t have priorities correctly, then you’re not valuing what God has value, you’re not protecting those things, you’re not protecting what’s most important. God loved you so much, so he could have you. And if you are not guarding what he has chosen, that he has chosen that relationship with you, if you’re not guarding that, then you’re walking outside of his will. And that’s hard, it is hard to guard that it’s hard to guard the priorities, he is requiring of you. But that it requires change. Okay, so the next piece of change. So I’ve got vision, know your worth protection. And the next one is support, to change and require support. So first Corinthians 1227 says, now you are the body of Christ and individual members of it. And God is appointed in the church, first apostles, second prophets, third, teachers, then miracles, then gifts of healing, helping administrating and various kinds of tongues. And if you can think about those, all are needed in the church. And he’s saying you’re the body of Christ, and you’re all members of it. And he gives all these different types of, of gifts. And the thing is, if you aren’t receiving those gifts, there’s another part, maybe around the verses there. But there’s another part of the Bible that says, all the gifts are given to edify the church to help the church. And so if you’re not involved in other people, what you’re doing is you’re missing things, and missing supports. Because what you need is people to help you to give you wisdom to pray for you. There’s a verse in Proverbs that says that he who isolates himself is not wise. You know, our ego thinks that, well, I just don’t need all that I don’t need, you know, someone to help edify me, I’m all set. It’s just me and God here. But the thing is, you need support, because it’s not easy to change. You know, he placed us in a body, Jesus left them as a church as a community. And it was important. Even Jesus had 12 disciples when He was on earth, you know, and four of them were his best buddies. You know, he had to get away from, again, kind of going back to boundaries. He had to get away from the crowd. Sometimes, even though that he was, he was purposed for the crowds. That was his ministry, but he had to get away he had to be restored, and even more so he had to get away even from his disciples, I need to go pray with God. You know, if Jesus needs that kind of guarding himself, boundaries, and then support from others, I mean, they went with him everywhere. They followed him around, they ate dinner with him, they ate breakfast with him, they took naps together. I mean, they were on the boat together like it was constant. And if he needed that, how much more did we need that the next piece of change is consistency. It really is about daily, daily daily persistence, consistency, persistence, consistency habits, you know, faith as a mustard seed moves mountains.

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Faith, though, as a mustard seed, moves mountains and a mustard seed isn’t a mustard seed for half a day. Or it’s not just a mustard seed during a church service. It is a mustard seed in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening. And then the next day it’s in must receive the morning and the afternoon in the evening. It is constantly a mustard seed. And that mustard seed gets watered, and then slowly it’s growing and slowly it’s growing and it just climbs in between those rocks. Slowly like a vine you know, just as And then slowly it gets bigger, bigger breaks the rocks apart, because it’s just growing. But it’s constantly a mustard seed, it is not inconsistent. And so by God’s grace, may He make us consistent that our faith would be consistent. And that’s the change, that’s going to make a difference. That we are consistently making new habits forging new pathways in our mind. So that it, it’s consistent the way we think now it’s natural, the way we respect our husband and the way we speak to him and the way we persevere. That’s just normal. And we’re adored in return, it’s normal for us to seduce him, it’s normal for us to have affirmations about how sexy we are. And we start to feel that way. And we think that way about ourselves. But that takes us to not just do it once. It takes us to be consistent, and to put things in our life to make sure we’re consistent to make sure we’re accountable. You know, I have women that know, my goals, and they know what I am seeking to achieve and to be about and what the season is about in my life. And if I’m not consistent on those they know about it. Again, having those people in your life not isolating yourself from the changes that you need to be making. And the next one is to have wise mentors. Proverbs 1114 says where there is no wise intelligent guidance that people fall, and they go off course like a ship without a helm. But in the abundance of wise and godly counselors, there is victory. That is the amplified vite Amplified Version. And I really love that I’m going to say it again, where there is no wise intelligent guidance that people fall. And they go off course like a ship without a helm. And when it says fall there, it’s like they die. Right? Because they’re at battle. They’re in battle. But in the abundance of wise and godly counselors, there is victory. I encourage you, my dear sister, my dear wife, that if there are not wise mentors in your spot and where you are, you need them. You need women speaking into your life wise women that have been there. You know, that’s why there’s elders of churches. That’s why there’s pastors. That’s why there’s ministry leaders, you know, I myself have mentors that speak into my life. And if I didn’t have that, I could easily be speaking into my own head, and the enemy would just be, you know, speaking there, it’s his own lies, and I wouldn’t be able to have those course corrections. And I, I wouldn’t see my own blind spots. You know, don’t do this alone. Get wise counsel, get people around you who are going to see things that you don’t. Once again, there’s verses about, you know, Paul talks about there’s different parts of the same body. Some are eyes, some are arms, some are feet, we’re not all the same, and we’re supposed to be helping each other. And that’s one reason I love books so much. You know, because someone experienced and something I don’t know a lot about, or, you know, maybe they spent 20 years experiencing something, learning something, God showed them something, they were taught something, whatever, maybe 20 years of that, they pack it into a book in an organized way. And I get to glean from it for by, you know, six and a half hours.

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You know, it’s incredible. My clients know a ton more than me, in so many areas. But in the area of marriage and intimacy, they have blind spots. And my job is I come alongside and guide them through. And God gets them to amazing changes to amazing places because they didn’t see it. They didn’t see those blind spots. And I myself have changed in incredible ways. Because I have worked through my blind spots with people individually and I still do. I’m very open to change. I’m very open to changing who I was yesterday, years ago, years and years ago. It’s so funny because I was journaling this morning. In my morning routine. Part of it is journaling and praying and all that but I picked up a journal because I had finished or almost finished the journal I had been journaling and, and it said goals for 2018. So that was last year. And I looked at the goals, and I think I probably achieved a quarter of them. But when I was looking at last year’s goals, I was like, Whoa, I am a very different person than I was last January. Those I mean, I have no no issue that I didn’t achieve those goals, because they’re not even in line with who I am anymore. So it’s just cool, like, be open to the God who molds and who changes us. I mean, we’re supposed to be, he’s the potter, we’re the clay, we’re supposed to be moldable, we’re supposed to be changing. So tell me why you are afraid of change? Is it your pride? You don’t want him to be the real winner of all those past arguments? You know, is it your sense of yourself, maybe it’s your identity, you are a perfectionist, so you can’t be anything else. That’s why everything has to be in a certain way in your household, and it can’t be done any other way. Because you are a certain way. And so then he has to do it your way. Right? Is it affecting your identity? Is that what it is? Is that why you’re afraid to change? How about this one? Is it how you feel your time right now? Oh, I’m too busy to focus on on anything other than what I’m doing right now, to put in the effort in really looking at what’s going on. I’m too busy to focus on changing my sex life or getting more pleasure out of sex, or making sure that we have sex and have it consistently and making sure he’s seduced and happy and excited. You know, I just am too busy. But the problem is, time is ticking. And if you don’t have the space, and free time to listen into God’s voice, you might be going in the wrong direction. You might be Martha, and you should be Mary, sitting at Jesus’s feet, listening to his voice. And choosing the good part. That’s what Mary did. Martha was busy. She was doing what was expected of her as a as a woman in that timeframe. She was the hostess she was doing what she was supposed to do, quote supposed to do. And she’s this was like, married it Mary’s actually chosen the best part. She’s doing what she should be. She’s listening. She’s at my feet listening. You know, the next one is, is going to be hard for me to say, you might your ears might feel a little uncomfortable by saying this. But is it your money? Is it your money? Maybe you have specific ways that you planned to use your money, and any other way that God may put on your heart to use it isn’t even an option. Nope, nope, that’s tied up. That’s tied up those resources, my resourcefulness to even get money? Nope, nope, I’m not not even looking at that. You know, God has changed my life. Because of the way I’ve used money at times. When I didn’t want to give. And then I gave God has expanded my life. I remember, shoot is recently like, somehow I felt encouraged to give a significant amount of money somewhere I can’t quite remember. And then suddenly double of it was was returned. What was it?

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That’s what it was. So I this is a little embarrassing. I I feel like I gave maybe a homeless person like something. Either I gave them $50 Or at least 25. And then either that afternoon was the next day I was talking to a tax person on the phone, explaining that I had a late tax sales tax thing and so they were going to give you know, then I had to pay the $50 penalty for that. And she just up and decided to waive it for me I didn’t even ask her to but then suddenly, you know, the money I had just given that I was going to use on buying a bag. Instead that I gave it away. By God’s grace, it just was returned to me. I don’t even like what and then another thing not even that long ago is my husband and I decided to invest in something that was actually kind of out of the blue. But it felt like the right thing but it was a large investment. And you know God has transformed so much in my life in his life in our family, because of that, but had we just had money in our fist so tightly, we would never have been able to experience that transformation. And it affected every part of my life. Every part? I mean, how do you put a value on that? So God is a God that requires us to think about things differently, to have an open hand to be willing to be the clay. And then the last thing, if you’re afraid of change, maybe you just don’t know what to do. You don’t know how to you don’t know what to do. You don’t know how to make things change. Maybe you’re doing your best you’re open to change. You just don’t know what to do what God wants you to do to change in your marriage. Now first off, I want to say that’s the best place to be. That you are open to it. You are saying God, I want to change if I can change and impact this marriage for your glory. Let me do it. Let me do it. God teach me show me. That should be your posture if you want wisdom, get that kind of attitude. And read Proverbs. Oh my gosh. Here’s another one. I’ve got my Bible open here it’s proverbs 833. Here instruction and be wise I do not neglect it yeah. How about this one? This is okay. So this is great. This is Proverbs eight, does not wisdom call does not understanding raise her voice on heights beside the way at the crossroads, she takes her stand beside the gates in front of the town. At the entrance of the portal she cries aloud to you oh man, I call and my cry is to the children of man. Oh, simple ones learn prudence, oh fools learn cents, here for I will speak noble things, and from my lips will come what is right, for my mouth will utter truth wickedness is an abomination to my lips. All the words of my mouth with mouth are righteous, there is nothing twisted or crooked in them, they are all straight to him who understands and right to those who find knowledge. So that is the kind of thing that God wants for us is to pursue wisdom is to find knowledge. And again after that, take my instruction instead of silver. And knowledge rather than choice gold, for wisdom is better than jewels. And all that you may desire cannot compare for you. Anyway, I just think that’s powerful. So, I did mention, you know, for me, I come to mentors for specific areas of my life, I don’t open my book to everyone. I don’t say, you know, here’s my whole life to any one person. Because that’s God’s job, he sees everything. And the Holy Spirit leads me and guides me I don’t, I don’t say this person knows everything. And so I, you know, I have specific people that are gonna be able to help and give me guidance around finances, that’s one, I have someone who’s going to help me and give me guidance around dy M direction and prayer and,

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and that kind of thing. And then another one more around parenting, and another one more around spiritual development and character. You know, and these are just women that are mentors in my life. And and so I encourage you, you know, who are those in your life you know, protect and guard your heart but But who are the ones you know, once again, I love and I devour books, but when I actually work with someone who I respect as an expert in their field, I can trust that they have wisdom tailored to my situation. And they have a deep care love and vested interest in my success in that area. And I don’t let you know my fear of being vulnerable. My fear that no one else is doing my fear of being inconsistent my fear of being a public figure and everyone knowing that I have changed my fear of what people think my fear of if I change it’ll prove my husband wrong that you know that I was wrong and he was right. Not at all. Don’t let that keep you from changing. But us you know, you Use these different things to help you having a vision, why are you doing this, knowing your worth knowing that the God of the universe came. And so you can follow him, you can do what he wants you to do, you can change to be the woman he wants you to be. And third, be protected. Don’t cast your pearls before swine, don’t let your heart be trod upon guard it. And then get support, have people, friends, women around you get in a church who can pray for you. Don’t isolate yourself, the next one is be consistent, be persistent, be a mustard seed for life. Don’t stop doing it, get habits around your new identity, and the changes you’re making, and then have wise mentors that are going to help you that are going to inspire you in the hard times. And that are going to teach you and are going to encourage you. So I hope that has been helpful, I hope that is encouraged you. And I want to bless you in in in the changes you’re making, I want to say, My dear wife, do not stop, do not give up and make changes, because those are things that are gonna help you and move you towards doing God’s will.

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Fantastic, thanks so much for joining me, thanks for listening. And I just pray that where God wants you to change that you would have the grace to do it, you would have the strength. And you would make these hard choices. As much as I love you. I don’t want you to stay where you are. Don’t let the enemy lie to you and say it’s okay where you are. We all need to be changing. We all need to be growing. And where you are lacking that you would look at in the face. And you would say this needs to change. And I have the strength to get over my pride to get over my sense of self and the way I used to see myself to get over the way I used to spend my time or money and seek out what I’m supposed to do seek out what I am to do. Let me pray for you, Father God, you know this wife, you know what’s going on in her marriage, you know, her ministry, her dreams, the callings, the pursuits that you want her to be engaging in the areas you want her to be learning. Lord, don’t let her off the hook. She is too strong, to let herself off the hook. She knows where you want her to go. And let her truly walk in that Lord, your sheep know your voice. Let her attune her, her ears to your voice. Let her be looking up to see where your staff is pointing that she would go in that direction, Lord, whatever her next step is God, I believe that you are going to guide her and show her and teach her in Jesus name. Amen. Awesome. Well, if your next step is to speak to me directly, is to have that clarity call. Just know that you don’t have to be scared of that. Because I’m actually very pleasant to talk to you on the phone. I’ve heard that before. Don’t worry many times. So I’d love to speak with you. I’d love to give you some value, some clarity. And potentially, who knows, I mean, maybe this is going to be the right fit to make you move to where God wants you in your marriage and in your life. And I mean, it affects everything. You know, potentially you could be one of the few people that I take on this month. So either way, it’s going to be an incredible conversation. So feel free to go ahead and schedule dy m dot a s dot m e, my dear god bless you have the faith and strength to make changes in your life today. Love you. Bye.

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Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion

197-The Gifts of Suffering

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How could suffering ever be a gift? Why would focusing on suffering be a wise thing?

A lot of times the women I coach don’t take the time to look at the pain and suffering they’re experiencing.

But when they do that, they are distracting themselves away from its lessons–the wisdom God wants to teach us through it. And even through our AWARENESS of it.

On this episode, I talk about the 13 Gifts of Sufferings and I talk specifically about some of my own sufferings that have given me great gifts and it was because I was aware of them in the moments that God used it profoundly in my life.

Jump on a call with me personally to unearth what you’re going through and use the suffering to provoke action! Check to see if I have some time on my calendar at www.dym.as.me It’s a 40min call for free with me directly!

—

Testimonial: of a husband of 20+ years:

I just wanted to say a few things, like…Thank you!

Thank you for the time you spent with her, and for your generosity, it is much appreciated. I don’t know what the two of you discussed, I haven’t asked and she hasn’t told. But I haven’t seen such a fast change in [her] in, well….ever.

It’s like she is a different woman. Actually, she is behaving more like the woman I thought I married or wish I had married… The changes I have seen in her are profound…

Again, I don’t know what you coached her to do, and I don’t know if she is doing it all or only doing half. But I do see a changed woman in my life. So again I say “Thank You!”

Check to see if I have some time on my calendar at www.dym.as.me I’d love to speak with you directly for free!

transcript

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Hey there, and welcome, welcome. This is belah rose, and I am so grateful that you are joining me. Here we are just in the, let’s see second week of January, or is this already the third week? Oh, my gosh, it is flying. But I am so excited that you’re joining today is to dive into what suffering means. You know, I talked to so many husbands that email me in suffering and wives that are suffering, and my heart goes out to them. Because I deeply know, their suffering. I deeply have been there. And I want to talk about what are the gifts of suffering, and you might be shocked. But I truly believe that there are gifts and if you don’t look at that straight in the face, you’re going to miss those gifts, you’re not going to receive what you could be from your suffering. I love this the title of this book by whoo hoo, is it by? Well, the title of the book is called Don’t waste your cancer. And it’s it’s shockingly profound to think that God would actually give you suffering on purpose. But that is exactly what I feel he has done in my life. Okay, so I want to just share a quick testimonial of a husband of 20 plus years, I worked with his wife just a few times. And in into just a few times of our sessions, he sent me this email, he said, I just wanted to say a few things like, Thank you, exclamation boy, thank you for the time you spent with her for your generosity, it is much appreciated. I don’t know what the two of you discussed. I haven’t asked and she hasn’t told but I haven’t seen such a fast change in her in well, ever. It’s like she’s a different woman. Actually, she’s behaving more like the woman I thought I married or wish I had married. The changes I have seen in her are profound. Again, I don’t know what you coached her to do. And I don’t know if she’s doing it all or only half. But I do see a changed woman in my life. So again, I say thank you. Alright, well praise God To God be the glory, I want to speak to you, I am so grateful that I’m doing delight your marriage full time now to God’s glory. And I have some time to speak to women, for free. So if you are going through suffering in your marriage, get on a clarity call, let’s dive in. I’ve had some really good responses to women who have just jumped on a clarity call with me, I mean, only that has given them insight into what’s really going on in their marriage. So once again, just jump out, jump on that call with me. And quickly because I don’t have a ton of room to do that in my schedule. So you can go to dym dot A s dot m e, that’s the full website www.dy M dot A s dot M E. And you know if this episode is going to be tugging at your heart. Maybe this is your next step. So yeah, I look forward to talking to you soon. Let’s dive in to talk about why suffering is a gift. And what my experience has taught me through that.

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Many of you have probably wondered how old I am. Because a lot of people determine whether or not they can listen to someone’s advice if that person is older than them because the assumption is if you’re older than you are wiser. But then we all know the antithesis of that of there are plenty of older people that are not wiser than younger people. And so, you know, I think God has given all of us specific journeys, specific paths to walk. And all of us have specific lenses that we walk through that path. And by God’s grace, I have had many, many women who are older than with me, either work with me or tell me that my work has impacted them to the again To God be the glory that He has changed them through my work. So I think it’s because God has given me the grace To give me suffering in this life, and to perceive it as a gift, because I think if we don’t look suffering straight in the face, and name it as such, we don’t get to receive those gifts. If we are just ignoring it and pushing it aside and numbing away from the suffering, we’re not going through the suffering, that I don’t think God can teach us what he needs, that we could be learning, if we dared it in the face and said, this is awful, that I am suffering, that this is suffering. Because God can teach us through it. So I’m just going to go through a few of the things that, you know, God has allowed me to suffer and, and, honestly, they’re their gifts in many ways. And I’m going to go through what those gifts are, and give you quite a lot of biblical understandings, but also just examples and that kind of thing, because I want you to come out of this conversation. And so God has purposed me to suffer in this season. And there is a purpose for it. So for me, growing up, there’s there, I’m not going to go into it, but quite a lot of difficulty and family life. And then my first marriage was abusive in any in all ways. I also suffered abuse from church leaders. And that was more so emotional abuse of power, and even spiritual abuse there. I’ve suffered deep, deep, dark depression, even suicide ism appointments, for many reasons, even in my second marriage off, just so you guys know, this is not all time. Timing doesn’t all make sense. And in this, it’s not chronicle logical order. But I want to tell you, a bunch of things have been served an eviction notice, I worked at a house as a house cleaner. I’ve suffered broken parts, more than once. I’ve been used sexually, I was overweight, very much so and it affected all of my self esteem, all my confidence. And most of my choices were about whether or not I was, you know, too big. And whatever situation I was in, I also was bulimic, I felt I have felt never good enough in sex, that I’m not able to have any pleasure in sex. It’s only pain emotionally and physically. Another one as I was ostracized by my ex husband for many, many areas of my life, but also physically, humiliation in insignificant ways. I’ve suffered, being tricked into spending 1000s of dollars that I didn’t have, and also giving many, many, many 10s of 1000s of dollars, to which I will never receive back. extended hospital stays debilitating health challenges that that I’ve had to suffer shame in sexual vulnerability. And then deep, deep shame in poor choices and some choices that were out of my control. And then I think I’ll, you know, just end this with saying loneliness. So those are some of the just sufferings and of course, some of those are just, you know, broad strokes, because I don’t want to go into it deeply. But

8:49
I find a lot of hope in what Viktor Frankl said, I don’t know if you’ve read his book Man’s Search for Meaning. It’s powerful, encourage you to read it. But it is a story. It’s a book by a psychologist who was actually a Jew in the Nazi death camps. And he he witnessed the horrors and what he kept his eye as a psychologist, almost like he was viewing what was working and what wasn’t. And what were the reasons that some people perished? And what were the reasons that some people endured until the end? Like what was the difference? And it’s powerful to read, to hear that he suffered insanely. And yet he was able to see that there was there were differences. So anyway, there’s a quote that he says, there, there was no need to be ashamed of tears for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer. And so I encourage you in this conversation, to acknowledge and become aware of your suffering. Because if you are not, I do believe that people can miss what God is giving them the opportunity to learn, and experience and to receive gifts. And that’s what I’m going to go through. So the first one, suffering gives you deeper insight. I took this amazing course called the feminist epistemology and the philosophy of science when I was in college, and I think my favorite thing that it taught me was that someone in a lower maybe in the oppressed position, is able to see things that the oppressor cannot see. Be because it’s to their advantage, it actually makes them able to maneuver and be able to have more freedom, in a sense than they would be able to otherwise. So, for example, women can see things that men cannot see, because it’s to their advantage to be able to see it. And just like minorities, blacks, Latinos, and other cultures, in the United States, they can see what the majority can’t, because it’s to their advantage, because they don’t have the privilege institutionally that others enjoy, that the majority enjoys, they’re able to see what the majority majority cannot. And I know there’s very personally, as having lived amongst, and being able to have done a lot of research in this area, I recognize the privilege of the majority of the white, because I could go into this so deeply, because I’m so passionate about it, but by God’s grace, you know, minorities have a privilege to be able to see insights that the majority cannot see. And they cannot, I will never be able to see what they can see. Because they have that advantage of suffering underneath of it. Just like a self made millionaire can see things that someone that’s born into wealth cannot see, they will never be able to live in the way that that self made millionaire had to live in order to earn it.

12:42
And it in it in it causes them to not to not be fully. It gives them blind spots is what I’m trying to say. So for example, there’s this even works in business too. I’m a I’m a business. I love business books and literature. But, for example, Blockbuster, right, that was a giant, you know, enterprise, I remember growing up, and that was just a huge, that was something that would happen, going to Blockbuster all the time. And when they started to think that, you know, people would want to, to, you know, receive something by mail or watch something on the internet, they completely shunned to the idea that it would never ever happen. But then Netflix comes along has a vision, even though they’re this tiny, tiny, you know, Speck, they actually explode. And blockbuster, you know, they’re gone. So David, for example, suffered in the wilderness, even though he knew he was supposed to be king, he suffered in the wilderness his whole life. You know, it’s old, young life. And he wasn’t around anyone who believed that he was anything more than a shepherd boy. But you know what he did, he suffered and FOTS, the lion, and he did so with the bear and he suffered in that wilderness. And those struggles gave him the insight and the strength to be able to view Goliath is nothing more than than a lion or a bear that he’s already been able to conquer. So suffering gives you that deeper insight. The next one is suffer speeds up your learning. If you let it. It speeds up your learning if you let it. So for example, Joseph, you know, he was a young guy. He was you know, everyone, he was the favorite of the 12 brothers. You know, his dad just showered every gift upon him like the beautiful coat of many colors. You know, but then his his brothers, abused him and threw him away. Well, and they were gonna kill him. But then they sold him to the, I don’t know, the traveling merchants and he was sold as a slave. And then he ended up deciding he wasn’t going to just be a victim to this. But he ended up growing and using that, even though he could have just been the the killable boy all his life or just suffered from that, but slowly, he just did his absolute best as a slave. And he became the second in command of all of Joseph’s household, or sorry, all of his, his masters home, which was extensive, and then the wife decided to seduce Joseph, and when Joseph pulled away and wouldn’t, wouldn’t sleep with her, she pretended like he was trying to rape her. And then he was thrown into prison. And Joseph again, could have despaired because that’s suffering, right. But you know, what Joseph did not despair. In prison, he used it, he used it to speed up his learning, he used it to interpret dreams. He used it to sharpen what he knew to be true about him, when God gave him those visions, those dreams when he was a kid, he used that, even while he was suffering, even while he was in prison, he continued to think about what it’s going to be like on the outside. And, and then he actually interpreted dreams when he was on the inside of the prison. And eventually, that’s what got him out of prison.

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Okay, the next one is suffering gives you empathy. Second Corinthians one four says, that God comforts us in all of our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. So suffering helps us to understand that somebody else is suffering, that you can comfort them, that God comforts them through you. Suffering gives you that empathy, to see it, to feel it to know that they are suffering, that you are close to it. And you know that God is with them, because God was with you when you suffer, just like that. Now, the next one is suffering gives you direction. Moses suffered. Right, he was raised in a palace, he, as far as he knew, you know, that was his life. And then he got angry at a guard and killed him. And he was outcast. He was thrown out. So then Moses, you know, took, has, he had to, he had to escape. And he had to go to the desert. And, you know, I don’t even know. I mean, he didn’t know where he was going. He was just escaping. And then he ended up living for 40 years in the desert. And like to imagine that, you know, as someone raised in a kingdom, like, everything is shattered, everything that you knew was gone. And how long is that going to take? You know, he’s, he’s in 40 years, why would that ever change? You know, so maybe that’s something that you can identify with, like, maybe you have grown up with parents that have coddled you. And then now real life hits, and you are suffering, and you’re like, When is this gonna change? But you know what, God molded Moses through that. And had Moses not lived in that palace, he would not have understood what it was like to talk to Pharaoh he had, wouldn’t have had that depth of knowledge of what Egyptians think, then what they’re like, and where they hurt most and how to speak to them deeply. And so suffering actually gives you direction because Moses, God told him to go back to Egypt and say, Let my people go, but if Moses hadn’t have known that deeply, and then suffered for 40 years, not being there having to have this this difference of life, he wouldn’t have have known how to come back and and do God’s will. And I think after that, when when the when he was, you know, granted the the Israelites now once again, Moses had that suffering experience. And then that gave him the ability to then continue on that journey to lead the Israelites I could go on much more about Moses and how he suffered and how that equipped him to do God’s will, but I’ll keep moving. The next one is suffering clears those people away from you who would distract you from God’s will. Now, this is a hard one because, you know, suffering a lot of times makes you lonely, because no one can understand it. No one can understand what you’re going through. And you can only you know, it feels like you can only talk to someone so long, and then they’re, you know, they want to move on. They’re like, okay, get over it. But, you know, a lot, a lot of times, that’s God’s gift, as lonely as it feels in the moment. But think about John the Baptist. I mean, he was called crazy. He was out in the wilderness. No one, no one acknowledged him for many, many moons. And then what God was, was growing in him, you know, was a sharpness was a depth of insight was a power, because there wasn’t anyone to distract him and say, no, no, no, don’t get on fire for God. No, no, no, you don’t need to act there. Think like that? No, no, put your clothes back on, let’s be normal. And I say put your clothes back on. Because I think he was you know, he was wearing the like,

21:39
crazy clothes and that time so um, but John the Baptist, you know, he was not distracted by people who would have dampened his his flame. So suffering a lot of times clears those people out who are not going to support what God wants to do through you. The next one is suffering teaches you wisdom. And I absolutely feel God is is done this over and over and over again. Because my biggest cry in the most difficult situations are God teach me, God give me insight, give me wisdom. You know, here we have an example of Esther. Right? She was a young girl. And and they stole her from her family. And they made her the wife of a king who had tons of wives and, you know, completely, I just can’t imagine how awful that kind of a life would be. But you know what, she didn’t lose her identity as a daughter of God, as someone who was had a purpose. You know, she didn’t lose that. But what she did was she recognized that when God needed her, when God needed to use her, she was ready. And so she was exhibiting wisdom, she kept her eye sharp, you know, she, she kept a lookout on where God was going to use her. Because, you know, she, she didn’t again, despair. But she used that suffering, to teach to give her wisdom, because she slowly was able to understand how the, the king looked again, it gives her gave her insight, because she knew the Kings, what he liked what he didn’t like, she understood that so she was able to then say, okay, timing is really important. You know, I can honor him with one meal, I can honor him with two, the second night. And then the third night, that’s when the timing is perfect. Because she made sure that she had the wisdom. And I can say that in so much of my sufferings. By God’s grace, it has taught me so much if I hadn’t had that abusive marriage, I would never have been able to understand the depths of insight that I think God has given me now into men’s minds and even the the suffering after that of broken hearts and sexual promiscuity and, and these kinds of things. I wouldn’t have been able to, you know, have people have men, you know, so many of them, email me and say I’m astonished at your insight into the male mind and heart and and others that say, I’m, I’m amazed and, you know, how do you know this? How do you know this? And so, again, that’s God’s grace, but he’s taught me through suffering. It hasn’t just been an automatic like, you know, one guy emailed me as a, he’s a in the medical field and he talks to women even about, you know, physical matters at times because he’s in that profession and he’s like, but I’ve never seen someone with the insight that you have on such a deep level. And then he asked me how Do you know this? So how did you read about it? How did you come upon this insight and I think, once again through the different sufferings by God’s grace, He has taught me. The next one is suffering sharpens your faith. And an example of this in the Bible, I think, is Mary. I think that the angels of the Lord came to her. Now this woman, this young girl had kept herself pure for her husband, she had done what God asked her to do. daily, every single day, she was honoring God, you know, and they had intense commandments. She was a chew, right, she had intense things she had to do every single day, to be holy and blameless before God. And, you know, I don’t even know all the details of that. But, you know, when the angel of the Lord said, you know, you have found favoring God site, Mary, probably, you know, we’re so excited. And then the, the gift was that she essentially would be outcast, that essentially, she was going to be thought of as promiscuous, that that’s something that she held so so dear, her innocence, her virginity, that, that suddenly everyone around her, you know, was going to be thinking these horrible things.

26:32
Or even the concern of that her reputation, all of this that she had been so good about, Mary suffered. And then she was the mother of Christ Jesus, that she was given that opportunity. And she suffered. I don’t know how long you mean, who knows how difficult and the pain that she had to endure. But because of that, she had the insight, the the sharpening of faith, that this was herself Son, Jesus, who you know, who was truly the king of the world. So marry her, her faith was sharpened. Now, the next one I want to talk about is suffering emboldens you if you pass its test. So if you’re familiar with the story of Job, he had great wealth, a ton of really good things going for him. For reasons only God understands. All of that stuff was taken away from him. And his health was taken away, you know, his family was killed, all of his wealth was taken away. And job to nine set his wife said to him, do you still hold fast to your integrity, Curse God and die? But Joe said to her, you speak as one of the foolish women would speak? Shall we receive good from God? And shall we not receive evil in, in all of this job, did not sin with his lips. So job in the midst of his suffering is emboldened. And so I encourage you, you know, when you are suffering, that you would be emboldened that this is your opportunity to pass the test. And you know what happened to Job he didn’t die. And ultimately, everything was restored and more he had tons more wealth is blessed with with a new family, plenty more kids. And, you know, it’s hard to think that that could replace his other ones. I have no idea how that works. But, you know, God was kind to restore all the things that he had lost. And anyway, so that that’s suffering emboldens, if you passed its test. Suffering teaches you to rely on God. And that’s kind of you know, once again, throughout all of the different like depression and suicide, suicide ism. You know, I experienced I remember, did the depth of need. I remember just praying every day like Jesus, I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you. And that’s what he does. It just makes you rely on him. Suffering strengthens you. Daniel, for example, was stolen from his home. But he prayed every single day three times a day. He was faithful and he ended up having the faith to be in the lion’s den to not Move from what he should have done, which was to praise God no matter what. And so he was thrown into the lions den. And the heart of the king was, was totally changed and transformed. And that is what impacted the whole kingdom. But because Daniel suffered, you know, he was stolen from his home, when he was young. But it ended up changing the the heart of the king in the whole kingdom, to honor and serve God to worship him. Okay, and the next one is suffering clarifies true value. So if you talk to anyone who has lost a loved one, anyone at all, you will know that it immediately makes you realize what’s really important, what actually matters. And that is your relationship with God, your relationship with your spouse, your relationship with your kids, your relationship with your friends, you know, people, those, that’s the true value, you know what it clarifies your priorities.

31:24
And then suffering makes you look into eternity. Second Corinthians 417, through 18, this light momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory, beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen, but to the things that are unseen, for the things that are seeing are transient, but the things that are unseen, are eternal. So this verse, I think, is powerful, because it shows us that we need to be looking into eternity. And, and the thing I want to say, is that, don’t just use your suffering, to look at eternity and say something like, okay, heaven is going to be better, I can endure this. That is true. However, Christ suffered, Paul suffered, the early Christians suffer, people are actually suffering all around the world, because they’re Christians, and that they were working for Jesus in their suffering that caused them that eternity view cause them to work in their suffering. It, it led them to action. They were not. They were not despairing in the suffering, you know, Paul, over and over and over again, he was in jail and threatened to be stoned and, and yet he just continued, he recognized the suffering. He was looking into eternity, but that propelled his work on Earth. So don’t just get excited to go to heaven and say, you know, I’m just going to get out of this stuff whenever I die. But actually be excited that God is going to work in the world through this suffering. Whenever it ends, or if it’s always going to be there like Christ, you know, Christ suffered. But you know, what Christ is interesting. This is what I truly believe, is that he started his earthly ministry when He was 30. But I truly believe that the years before he turned 30, he suffered. because had he not I don’t believe he would have had the strength of personhood that he had when he when he started his his public ministry, because it’s not just he wasn’t booksmart that’s that wasn’t it? You know, he certainly treasured and knew the Scripture inside, outside upside down. Yes. But there was a depth of of strength. That cannot be happening that couldn’t have happened. If it wasn’t out of suffering. He knew suffering. He was no, he was, he was no stranger to it, you know, in the wilderness when he was tempted by Satan. I mean, come on. It was like he could do that in his sleep. So I just want to encourage you Christ died for us because of a life that he lived day by day by day if he hadn’t had that life of faith and commitment and connection with God. and habits. I don’t believe that that just was a one moment decision, I believe it was a day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute decision to be one with God to to do fully what the father told him to do. So yeah, once again, suffering makes you look into eternity. But I believe it motivates your work in the earth.

35:30
And then, I think that leads me into probably my final point is that suffering is a catalyst for change in the earth, once again, looking into eternity, but doing it in the earth. You know, so many people find my work, because they are suffering because of the difficulty. And they say, Okay, that is it. We have had the worst fight ever. I am about to leave, or he’s about to leave, or he just did leave. And they finally say it’s time. But you know, what is awful. And I hate to see this is that when there has been a marriage that has been eroding for years, and then finally someone leaves or finally something happens, finally a pornography addiction is uncovered. Finally, an affair is is is again uncovered, you know, those are the moments that I’m like, how did you not see what was happening? How did you not recognize that disconnection for years? How did you not see that, if we had to work together a year ago, four years ago, we could have easily put this train back on track. But now, if someone’s outside of the house, you know, if someone has his fall in love with someone else, I mean, that makes it a lot harder. So if you’re not recognizing your suffering now, and using that awareness as a catalyst for change, now, we don’t know what’s you know, a year down the road, if you just keep on keeping on, it’s just gonna, you know, I’m just gonna pray every now and then and I’m going to distract myself, I’m going to numb myself with food, or, you know, Facebook or social media are my friends, I’m just gonna numb it. We’re only having sex with the month, but it’s okay. No, it’s not okay. I want you to have it as a catalyst for change. Because God has too much for you and your husband to be doing to be suffering in your marriage, but numbing it, or pretending it’s not happening. And it needs to change before it’s too late, before it affects your kids before, once again, before your marriage is completely eroded. You know that. The point though, is, is use this as a catalyst for change. Be aware and use your suffering as a catalyst for change as early as possible. Do not let yourself suffer in your marriage and ignore it. See how you can change it. And I say that with deep conviction, because I just know that. I know that in my experience. There were places that I absolutely ignored without understanding. And that’s what led to the demise of my first marriage. I absolutely ignored from the get go. And then the suffering I experienced in my second marriage had I not looked that thing in the face and said this is got to change. And then by God’s grace it did. He taught me just what I needed to learn to transform that marriage by God’s grace. And now oh my gosh. I mean, my husband in our area is the neighborhood my people at church call him the playground pastor, because he knows everyone in the in the neighborhood and they talk to him. And it’s funny because he’s an introvert. So you wouldn’t expect him to be the one that knows everyone, but he does. So God has used both of us, because of such dramatic things that I changed. And in before he wasn’t even a Christian. So anyway, there’s so much that God can do if you as a wife make changes and recognize that your suffering needs to be a catalyst for you to change.

39:59
So it’s good kind of strange, but sometimes my work is to help women see how bad their marriages? Because until they’re really able to see that they are suffering that this is not okay. Are they able to make the changes? So sometimes it takes some time to actually say, Okay, what’s really going on here? Is this healthy? Is this normal? Is this okay? Is this moving us to a very bad place? And, you know, I’ve gotten to a spot in my ministry where I can spend some time with women on the phone, and we can dive into this more, and we can see, okay, what is going on? And what’s the suffering, what is the the, the, you know, the pain points, and we can, we can look into it more deeply. And we can see, you know, if it’s a big deal, if it’s something that is really deteriorating things. So I have some time, I would love to speak with you on a free clarity call, you just need to schedule it dy m dot h s dot, M E. And, once again, you know, I hope that this podcast has helped you to realize that when you are aware of your suffering, you can use it as a gift. And I’m just going to summarize really quickly all the gifts of suffering. Suffering gives you deeper insight. Suffering speeds up your learning if you let it. Suffering gives you empathy. Suffering gives you direction, suffering, it clears those who would distract you. Suffering teaches you wisdom. Suffering sharpens your faith. Suffering emboldens if you pass its test, suffering teaches you to rely on God. Suffering strengthens you. Suffering makes you look into eternity, so that you can do earthly things. And suffering, it clarifies true value. And your awareness of suffering is a catalyst for change. Had I not gone through everything I’ve gone through, God would not have this ministry, for me to walk in, there would not be so much of what God has allowed me to be passionate about to start to change to do if I hadn’t have suffered in the many ways that I have, but by God’s grace, He gifted those to me. And I encourage you in what you’re going through, potentially that you would see it as a gift, and it would help direct you to your next steps. All right, my dear, I love you. I’m praying for you that you would have wisdom in these next days and even the rest of your day. What are your next steps? All right, my dear. Well, I am praying for you. I love you and I will talk to you soon.

43:16
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion.

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211-“Honey, you’re hot–PLEASE seduce me!”

WHAT’S BLOCKING HER LIBIDO? The 7 Mistakes you might be making!

Sign up: www.delightyourmarriage.com/7blocks

210-Should you tell her about your past sex life?

209-Last week…My brother was found without a pulse

I have been late to get a podcast out to you…for a pretty important reason.

My brother was found on the side of the road without a pulse. I raced to the hospital several states away and arrived when the doctors told us he may be brain dead—we found out they were considering putting him on life-support. No one knew how long he was without blood pumping through his body.

The story of Lazarus came up OVER and OVER again–my sister was in a play, her paster and my pastor in different states preached on it, a Lazarus song came up 2x, and 2 dreams about Lazarus. We prayed that my brother would be raised like Lazarus.

Love and God bless you.

Belah

208-“Help! I have low libido” OR “HE does!”

207-My Husband’s Advice

205-Words in Sex

206-Playful sex life

203-Your Sex-Life Impacts Your Kids

202-Wisdom > $$$

201-Why he’s DESPERATE for your intimacy

200-Two Types of Sex: Masculine & Feminine

199-The 3 Things He Wants In Sex

198-Fear of Change

197-The Gifts of Suffering

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