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Transcript

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to light your marriage episode 14.

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Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah rose. Hello,

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hello, welcome back. I’m so glad that you’re here with me today. This is the delight your marriage podcast. And I’m belah rose. So if this is your first time coming to hear any of the episodes, I want you to know that not all of the episodes are quite so steamy. But I will say that they’re sprinkled in there on purpose. And I have you know, each of the interviews, I talk about lots of things, including how to have more healthy arguments and how to not say the negative things that are on your mind. I mean, there’s so many great stories as well of how people have pushed through really difficult seasons. But also, there’s a lot about sexual intimacy. And the reason for that is because intimacy covers all aspects. It’s about sex, it’s about your heart. It’s about what you say. It’s about how you’re feeling. It’s about being transparent. I mean, there’s just so many aspects of it. So I don’t want you to think, yes, this is in the sexuality section, because I want people to realize, we are going to be talking about sex. This is really not a podcast, where your kids can be involved. But I hits for you, my dear wife, it’s for you. Dear precious wife, this podcast is for you. It’s not for your kiddos. So make sure you got your headphones on or they’re in the other room while you’re listening to this stuff. Because it’s going to be talking about all areas of how to have and be delighted in your marriage. Alright, so today it is about oral sex, and I am excited to tell you number one, why it is dirty? Yep, I talk about that. Number two, I’m going to talk about what to do about it. And number three, I’m talking about how are the reasons it should be incorporated into your marriage? Sorry, I lost my train of thought there. Yet my son is here in the background. Well, he’s he’s far too young to really understand what we’re talking about. So, but make sure your kids are out of the room and enjoy this episode. I really hope that you like it. And if you do, let me know. I’d love to hear and I’d love you to share with your friends. Because if you’ve ever struggled in this area, I bet they have to. Okay, we’ll talk on the other side.

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Hey, there, this is belah rose. I am so glad that you’re joining me today. And thank you for sticking with me on such a steamy topic. Now it is just me today. Because every now and then I’m going to be doing very specific topics for you. But today, I think I’d like to tackle a big one oral sex. Is it dirty? That’s that’s the question. And I were to talk to. Well, actually here, let me tell you the story. I was telling a friend about what my book was about. And I was trying to ask her for some advice on how to talk about it better. You know how to present it well. And she was like, Don’t Don’t say oral sex. Don’t say that word. That’s that’s just too much. It gives you you know, images of 69 and all these other things. Like really, I guess I’ve gotten so close to the topic, I forget what the word means to so many other people. So that’s the first point that oral sex is dirty. And this is the reason it’s the word. It is the word oral sex, and all of the, you know, synonyms. We’ve got blowjobs going down on him giving head unfortunately, each of those words and there’s more and there’s more that are worse. Each of those words provoke images of pornographic experiences. So I was a kid when I stumbled on pornography that for the first time and I talked about this on my blog, I’ll have it linked up in the show notes. But yeah, I was doing homework and I stumbled upon a site about I mean, I can’t visually remember exactly what it was but it was a it was pornography. Unfortunately, it was not the only time once I was exposed to it for the first time. You know, and you can you know, read about this. Literally pornography has an addictive chemical that’s released in your brain that really causes people a significant addiction. It’s not just a you know, one time and dying. It literally is a chemical addiction. So anyway, that was my first exposure to everything. Sexual element ever, you know, everything was through the lens of pornography. And I mean, it took a long time for me to get out of that addiction. And as a female, it’s something like, it’s less than than men being addicted, but it’s something still like 30%. So that’s significant. So if you’re struggling with this one, you’re not alone. And two, there is hope and help. So, you know, I’m going to have something called covenant eyes linked up. Also in the show notes. I just started working with them, but I was promoting them before I ever became an affiliate. But if you are struggling with pornography addiction, I so encourage you to get some kind of filter. Now you can use covenant eyes, and I suggest it but if you don’t use that, use another service use something that will prevent your computer for accidentally getting porn on there. And if you have kids, even more, so my goodness, if I could take back those experiences that I had, I would oh my goodness, it is so addictive. And you know, now with smartphones, it’s so much easier to get it on your, your smartphone. So please, please get some kind of filter for your family, for your husband, for yourself, for your kids, everything, it’s just worth not having that temptation around. So again, I’ll have that linked up in case you want to check out covenant eyes or some other filter do it. Okay, so after being addicted to pornography, everything that I knew about sex was now bad, which which, you know, outside of marriage it is. But all of my understandings about sex were in this context of sin. And unfortunately, it was hindering me from enjoying sex in my marriage, because I was equating sex as sin. And for a while after I got out of pornography. I was doing the flee from all sexual immorality, right? That’s what Paul tells us to do. And that’s, and it’s true, we need to be fleeing from immorality, and before marriage, it is in morality. However, in marriage, it’s good. And it’s beautiful. And it’s wonderful for your marriages, holy. These are all things I’m going to unpack a little bit more in just a minute. But if the words are tripping you up, and you can imagine these, you know, scenes that maybe maybe it wasn’t pornography for you, maybe it was premarital sex, maybe it was some experiences you’ve had, and I don’t want to put more word pictures in your mind, but I’m just asking you to consider, dear wife, is this something that you need to dis?

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What’s the word disassociate, you don’t need the associations with the word. So So here’s, you know, that’s my first point is oral sex is dirty. And that’s why because it conjures up all these past experiences that that really are sinful, and God doesn’t want us to be considering, I just want to mention that if you do have this past that is still affecting you and in inhibiting your mind and not giving you peace. I just want to give you some encouragement. The way God set it up is, is that, you know, he says in the word that if your eye is evil, okay, here it is. It’s Matthew 623. And it says, The eye is the lamp of the body. So then if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If you’re looking at things that are wrong, and things that are sinful, it’s obviously going to affect your mind, and it’s going to come back to you even when you might not want it to. So that that’s that’s the deal. You know, if you are struggling with imaginations that come even without notice, and you’re all of a sudden thinking about something that is sinful. I just want you to be encouraged that it does take time, but it will go away if you are vigilant about cleaning, cleaning your mind. So here’s here’s it was actually a wonderful talk that I heard about sexual sin. In this this husband and wife who both were in some serious sexual sin. They said that if you think about a bathtub, I think about that bathtub full of dirty dirty water, you know, just gross, black, muddy little chunks here and there. I mean, just disgusting, right? But let’s say you do this, let’s say you turn on the water and the clean pure water starts flowing into that dirty, dirty mess. Slowly what will happen is the gross black filth will start to flow overtop and leave the bathtub and slowly as you just continue to pour that good water in. It’s just going to be release all of that negative filth. So I just want to encourage you, you know, get into the Word, let the word be hidden in your heart. So that when you’re, you know, tempted to sin, you can just pull out a Scripture, we have the power to take every every thought captive. So slowly, you know, start to understand the word and what, what God says about our thought life and as a man thinketh, so is he so so if your thought life is bad, honestly, that’s kind of what God is saying is that your your, your insides are bad. So, so change those thoughts, change those thoughts, get, get better thoughts in there, get that pure, clean water, meditate on the Word, and it’s going to start shifting and changing. I also want to encourage, obviously, on so many of our episodes, we talked about, you know, getting some accountability, getting some people in your life that are talking to you about these difficult subjects. That is huge, especially when it comes to sexual sin. You need to expose that to the light, you need to confess your sins and be forgiven. Get someone who’s trustworthy that you can really divulge these things to all right. The point is, oral sex is a bad word. And now I want to tell you what to do about it. Because I think oral sex is actually a really good thing. So here’s what I want you to do. Let’s think of a new word, right? That’s the issue. I mean, God has made words powerful, and on purpose. But he, when we associate something as sinful, we need to change the word. So you know, slowly, maybe as your mind is cleaned up, you know, and you start thinking of things in God’s light. You know, the word might might not be an issue, but at this point, if it is, let’s change it. So here’s the word Penny. Yep, Penny, just like you know, a quarter a dime, Penny. The reason I chose this word is because it’s often not used. But the word Pena Lingus is actually a version of fellatio. And it’s basically the male version of kind of Lingus. So if you know what kind of Lingus is, it’s it’s oral sex being performed on a woman. Pena Lingus is oral sex being performed on a man. So for short, Penny, and you know, it’s a fun word. It helps you to think about the experience positively. And the only Association you have with the word is you and husband just enjoying each other.

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So use the new word and feel free to have fun, you know, you can use it in public, no one knows what you’re talking about. Honey, would you be interested in a penny when we get home? Or I’d really love to give you a penny. But I guess I can’t do it right now maybe in a little while. So that’s pretty fun. experiment that with your honey and enjoy that. The other thing is, this experience should not be a job. It’s unfortunate that blowjob is so common and common to use. And and if you know, if you don’t mind, in your marital intimacy between the two of us the words that you guys enjoy, it’s fine. It’s totally fine. So I like to use the word Penny, I’m going to continue to use the word Penny throughout this podcast. And you’ll know just what I’m talking about. That is and just to give the clear definition, it is performing a delightful activity for your husband in marital intimacy, and specifically allowing him to come to orgasm using your hand and mouth. So here’s the deal. I want to talk to you about why Penny should be in your marriage. Now I have a blog post. I’ll link up in the show notes as well. It’s 10 reasons why oral sex should be part of your marriage. But I want to just tell you, a couple of them so you can kind of get your mind around why Penny is so good for you too. Now, here’s the here’s the first thing. It’s Biblical. Yep. Believe it or not. Penny is in the Bible. Yes, ma’am. So it’s song Solomon’s two three. I’m just gonna read that to you. Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my beloved among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade and his fruit is sweet to my taste. Yes, ma’am. There it is. Now if you’re like well, that’s that you know, she’s talking about gardens and and fruit that has nothing to do with your your husband’s genitalia. Oh, my goodness. But the truth is saya experts agree that fruit is actually talking about testicles. And the tree is talking about his members. So recognize that this wonderful wife song of Solomon’s, you know, this beautiful poetry that we get to enjoy learning more about sexuality. They’re talking about penny. That’s what she’s talking about. She’s saying she did Lights in sitting under the shade of his tree. That means she enjoys being around that area. She enjoys and delights in his fruit. She enjoys this very special area of your Husband, husband of her. Sorry, she doesn’t enjoy your let’s clarify that she enjoys her husband. So here, here’s, that’s the first. The first is God made it and he made it good. When he made Adam and Eve and said, Be fruitful multiply. I’ve told you this on other podcasts. But he said it’s good. Go and be fruitful and multiply. He didn’t have any rules. That’s the thing I want to really drive home is when God made sex, he did not make rules around it. The very first thing was it is good man and wife to be intimate and to create children in this beautiful, intimate way is good. There’s so many more things I could go into. The one I want to just say is oral sex is part of your intimacy in marriage. So intimacy and knowing each other know in the Bible, it says the word Jada, right to know, to know each other. Adam knew his wife and they begat Cain and Abel. It’s always they knew each other. It’s that knowledge of each other. So this is a holy thing. And like I said, God did not put rules he did not say now only penetration, no oral no other flavors. It’s just this specific thing. I’m blessing. That’s not it. God said it is good. And if you read the song of Solomon’s, which I really encourage, you will see many different flavors exhibited in a Song of Solomon. It’s a beautiful, beautiful understanding of what sex really means. So that’s the first thing God approves. He approves, he made it he loves that you all have a chance to love each other, the same way that he loves us. Yes, I am saying that he loves us that deeply that intimately. Every part now that’s what I want to teach you about understanding your husband, he might be able to hear my my itty bitty two month old in the background, he’s he’s laughing in his bed. But anyway, my husband will, will check on him. Now, here’s something that’s interesting talking about my son, right? I got two boys and well, three boys, including my husband. So I live in the house of boys. And the interesting thing is, even from

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very, very young, they start to discover how sensitive that area is, they start to understand that member a little bit, and they start to explore, all men grow up learning about this wonderfully sensitive part of his body, and it becomes something very important to him. So it starts out just beginning to explore how sensitive it is, from infancy basically, and, you know, slowly becomes more important and especially get to high school when you’ve got to wear a cup to make sure you’re protected and in high school, gym class or whatever. And then there’s, you know, every now and then where you accidentally get some, someone gets kneed in the groin, you know, the poor boys have had so much experience with this member. It’s not nor it’s not like everything else on his body. There’s something very special about this. And this is really the sense of his manhood. Without that, I mean, that’s what kind of defines him as a man. So when you are loving your husband in Penny, you are giving him pleasure. That’s much more important than a neck massage or something which Nick massages are great. They’re nice, but you’re not identifying and honoring his maleness as Penny does, you’re actually telling him, I love you, I love you, I will take the time to understand how you work, and what makes you feel good, and how to give you visual stimuli that really enhances your enjoyment. You know, if you’ve listened to any of the podcasts so far and read books about Christian sex and that kind of thing, you understand that men have a very, very strong association with sex and love. It’s not just physical for him. It is love. It’s emotional. Sex is emotional for your husband and Penny really touches on their emotions, those emotions and a beautiful, beautiful way. When you are engaging in this intimate exchange with me recognize that this is something that means huge things to his heart. I mean, you know, it’s gonna be goosebumps to really talk about it because as a wife, things that make us feel great like receiving flowers and having intimate conversations where we’re encouraged and being touched and given a hug when we’re crying. I mean, those are things that speak to our heart. Sex speaks to our heart to for sure. Bye I believe it’s a to a different degree to men and especially Penny, it’s something that you are able to tell your husband, everything’s okay. Tell him that you love him, you know, tell him that it’s gonna be fine. And you know, there’s a chemical release, you get this oxytocin overflow in his in his bloodstream, it’s just a wonderful part of life. And I just want to encourage you, wife, if you haven’t gotten a chance to experience with your husband, or maybe you’ve kind of done it begrudgingly, I just want to encourage you recognize how important this is to him. This is like nothing else you could do for him. It is something very unique, very special. Now, the most important thing, or one of the most important things to remember about this is your husband is unique. So you’ll need to talk to him about what he thinks probably 99% of men enjoy Penny. And some Actually, many of them even more than a penetration for an enthusiastic wife to willingly and delightedly do this for her husband is one of the best pleasures that he can experience. Now I have a friend, funny enough that her husband does not enjoy this experience. So you’ll definitely need to talk to your husband to just find out, if he has mentioned it once or twice a night.

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It’s something that you’ll want to really consider. So that’s that’s, that’s the first point is getting your your heart right about this, that this is something that’s good. This is something that’s really good. And you have the opportunity to just induce so much joy and comfort to your husband, just the same way again, you know, when you’re upset and crying, and you really need him there to support you and hug you and give you that assurance that it’s going to be okay. I mean, that is what we’re talking about for your husband, you can do that to him. That is what we’re talking about. Okay, so I want to just move on to the next point that I wanted to make. Yeah, the last point is, it’s fun. That’s the thing about penny is it’s fun. It’s not a job. It’s not a drudgery, it is a delight, that you enjoy this opportunity to give your husband such pleasure. It’s not a favor. You are not doing him a favor by giving this to him. No, you want to you want to please Him, you want to engage in this wonderful practice in your marriage. This is not something that we’re going to hold over his head, this is not something that you’re going to bring up later and say, Well, I did that a lot of Canada. No, no, no, that is the wrong wrong attitude. And if that’s been your attitude for the last month, or the last year or the last 20 years, it’s time to apologize, because you didn’t understand how important this was to your husband. So I really encourage you be take take a piece of humble pie and say, Honey, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I did not know. And I want you to know also why if I don’t want to be so hard on you recognize that the reason one is ignorance, that’s that’s a very common reason, right? The other is embarrassment, not understanding how to do this thing that you know, it’s not just putting your mouth on it, and all of a sudden, boom, we’re done. It’s it’s actually I mean, there’s a step by step system to kind of get this going. thing is that if you’ve had a bad attitude, but he has orgasms, maybe even consistently, I just want you to know that even when a husband is turned on, even when he orgasms, it does not mean necessarily that his heart is encouraged. So for example, if you’re begrudgingly engaging in sex or baggage, I don’t even know how to say that word but grudgingly engaging in Penny, your husband recognizes that. Just because he’s turned on doesn’t mean his emotions are totally gone. In fact, you’ll learn that, that it’s actually a very important part of this experience is that his emotions are engaged and understood. So recognize that, you know, if you have made mistakes, it’s okay, girlfriend, it is okay. I’m just proud of you that you’re taking the time to listen to such a steamy topic and understand it better. Because that’s, that’s the opportunity you have here is to understand it and make it a joy and delight to your to your whole marriage bed. So if you’ve made mistakes, it’s okay. It’s okay. It’s just time to take responsibility and say, You know what, I’m a big girl. I’m going to put my big girl pants on. I’m going to apologize to him. I’m sorry, I didn’t know. And I’m going to try to do better. That’s it. That’s all you can do. And if your husband did the same thing to you recognize that you would want him to apologize. You wouldn’t want him to pretend like it never happened. You wouldn’t want him to sweep it under the rug. You would want him to own it up and say I’m going to do better. And I’m sorry I did this to you. That’s it. So moving on from that, I just want to encourage you to do that tonight. And in fact, this is the last part. Here’s the reason I think oral sex is not talked about enough in Christian circles. The reason is, is because there’s mixed company listening. That’s honestly it. Now this podcast, you know, is for wives. So I’m sorry, if there’s some men mixed in there. The good thing is that, well, I’m not really sorry, the good thing is, you’re gonna learn a lot about your wife and how she thinks, because I’m helping wives. But here’s the thing, I don’t want to talk to men very specifically about how to Penny that’s just not appropriate.

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I don’t, I don’t think I don’t want them involved. So here’s the deal, I want to invite you on a very special webinar that I’m going to have in the next two weeks. So I want to give you specifics. You know, I wrote a whole book notice and course, but I want to give you just things that you can start to implement in your marriage. immediately, immediately, I’m going to talk about the four stages of his best oral orgasm, I’m going to talk about very specific strategies that you can implement, and more importantly, the mindset. I touched on some of those already. But I want to go in deep. And I also, like I said, just want to be talking to wives. So sorry, guys, you’re not invited. But feel free to encourage your wife to do it. And wives that are listening. If you are not sure if they are if you’re not sure if you’d like to attend, let’s just just do this one thing for me. And I’m going to ask you on the webinar, so I’ll help you usually do it. And you’ll have a response to share, because I’d love to hear what you say, but ask him this. Honey, would you like me to learn more about oral sex? That’s all just ask him just find out, just find out honestly, what he thinks. All right, and join me on that webinar. Here’s, here’s how to get signed up is delight your marriage.com/fourteen can sign up for the webinar. Again, it’s totally free. And, and I’m going to be there live, and it’s not going to be recorded. That’s the other thing. I’m not going to record it. Like I said, I don’t want this information to really get in the wrong context. The right context is marriage in the right context is when wives can teach other wives how to love their husband, right? Just as Titus two four says, so I’d encourage you to come I’d love to have you, I’d love to talk directly to you and hear your responses. Okay, so I’m going to see you on this webinar, delete your marriage.com/fourteen. Now, if you’re in the future, I’m sorry, you missed it. The cool thing is, if you go to that website, I’ll have an updated link there. So if if I do decide to do more webinars, if I get enough good feedback about this one, I’ll let you know. And I’ll, I’ll invite you to that one. Thank you so much for sticking with me. And I just want to encourage you go right ahead, take the first step, start to realize that God blessed this part of your marriage, this part of your intimacy, Penny is good. Penny is fun. You will enjoy Penny and join me on this webinar, I’m gonna really go through some some good specifics that I believe will really help you. Write your back, how did it go? Was it was it as terrible as he thought it might be? I know, I scared you in the beginning. But I’m glad you listened through. Listen, if this helped you, if this was some kind of support to you, please send it to a friend that maybe you’ve talked about this subject before. Or maybe you never have. And this would be a good starting place. The other thing I would encourage you to do is find a time where it’s just you and your husband and say, Honey, would you mind if we just listened to this together? I’d really love your insights and just open up the conversation with him. You know, so that he has an opportunity to tell you what he thinks it’s obviously his body. He’s the one that could tell you the best. So please go ahead and do that. And let me know. Again, I’d love to have you on the webinar. And we’ll talk more they’re looking forward to actually hearing from you live on that on that event. Okay, God bless you. I love you and I’m praying for you. Thank God we just encourage you in your intimacy, in your marriage in your life and most of all, most importantly, in your walk with him. I’ll see you soon. Okay.

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