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Hi there! Belah here. Today, I have with me Wanda Collins of Christian Marriage Today, and she talks about her struggles as a wife in the early stages of their marriage. On this episode, she tackles the sensitive issue of infidelity and how she dealt with the pain brought about by her personal experience with it. She tells us how God is essential in any marriage, especially when faced with circumstances that don’t always seem to be pleasant. She hands out tips to anyone who has gone through infidelity issues in their marriage and to those who haven’t but might be scared to go through the same. It’s so powerful how Wanda uses the scripture and God’s Word to relate on how she reacted when she found out; and it’s so inspiring and encouraging to hear her talk about the strength she had, which wasn’t her own, but that of our Lord.

Scripture/Quote:

• But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.   2 Corinthians 12:9
• And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
• We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5
• Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23
• Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2
• A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. Luke 6:45

You’ll Discover:

• How Wanda had become withdrawn from her husband in the beginning of their marriage, and the reason behind her actions
• How she reacted to learning about the infidelity from her own husband
• What kept her going and holding on to the marriage, even when the situations have proven to be difficult
• Her tips and advice for wives embattled with being emotionally detached from their husbands and those going through a crisis following an affair
• How she views LOVE—what it is and how it should be practiced.

Books & Resources Mentioned:

The Book of Hosea from the Bible

Tweetables:

• Going into marriage, majority of us have our own expectations. Most of those expectations are built on an unrealistic idea of what marriage is.
• I realized that what he did was his choice. It was not a reflection of who I was as a person.
• In marriage, there is no contingency clause. It’s a covenant.
• People say time heals. No, God heals.
• God is the healer and lover of our souls, and if we would just depend on him, he can get us through—even in infidelity.
• Love is not a feeling; it’s not anything you fall in and out of. It’s an action word. It’s something that you do.
• We pray when things are bad, or when we want something. We have to get into the habit of laying out everything to God.

Thanks for listening! I hope you are encouraged to live in wholehearted intimacy!

Love,

Belah

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Trascript

0:00
to light your marriage episode 42

0:04
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast, the show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah. Rose.

0:21
Hi, my dear, welcome. This is Bella, thank you for taking the time to listen in today. I’ve got a great show for you lined up. So I want to jump into that. Before I do though. Have you registered for the webinar? Yes, I’m talking to you. Have you registered for the webinar, it’s super easy, go to delight your marriage.com/webinar Here’s the deal. It is free for a limited time. So I want to make sure that you get it free. So come on live. If you’re can’t make it on June 30. At 8pm Eastern Standard Time, it’s still going to be available for two weeks for free. That’s it. And then it turns into a you know a sizable investment to view it. But it’s how to make him wild for you the five secrets to love and passion in God’s plan. I really hope that you get a chance to be there. Do it now delight your marriage.com/webinar you can do it while you’re listening to the rest of this. But please, I would love to see you there. Be there. Okay, so Wanda is actually Wanda Collins, she’s got a story that you know, I think that’s the thing God does is He uses our hardest, most difficult challenging experiences as our life to help us help others. So when you find someone that’s really gone through it in a certain area, oh man, they can support someone else like no other. So Wanda is not not unlike this. You’re going to hear her story that it was not all roses for she and her husband. You’re going to see that they went through some really challenging things and God has brought them through and made her stronger. You can hear her faith is really amazing goddess stuns. Okay, well welcome back to let your marriage listener I am really thrilled because today I have Miss Wanda on Wanda, how are you today? I

2:30
am wonderful. Thanks for having me.

2:34
Absolutely. Well. I’m so excited to have you on and I would love for you to go ahead and introduce yourself a little bit about your family and what your day to day life looks like.

2:44
Oh, boy. Okay. My name is Wanda Collins and I am the creator of Christian mares today.com. I’m married to my wonderful husband, Michael Collins. And we have two adult children. Hmm, 27 and 24. So we almost empty nesters. My oldest, my youngest son just moved out of the house. Whoo. Yeah. April. And so my oldest son who had moved out moved back in. He decided he wanted to go back to school, which is a good thing we’ve been okay him to do that. So, yeah, almost had an emptiness. But we don’t. But here so we’re looking forward to that. Yes, I’m at home every day. Michael works diligently each day outside of the home. And I’m here each day doing ministry related things. Working with Christian marriage today.com I just recently finished working on a completing a 21 day marriage counseling program. And now my days had been filled doing that I’m also you know, updating things on the website answering questions, that type of thing. And then I also do a lot of ministry things with our church. Really active there. We are both licensed and ordained ministers. There’s a lot that goes on each day. And then on top of that, oh of course have my daily wifely duties that I have to attend to like wash clothes and cooking food and that type of thing. So my day is pretty filled.

4:28
Yes No It sounds like it I think it’s always funny when we have this this mentality of stay at home extra what a you know like a stay at home mom stay at home this stay at home that no it’s more of a work from home no matter what. Like, you’re not you’re not just hanging out. Well, that’s great. Well, tell us a little bit about your and Michael’s personalities if you would.

4:53
Okay, Michael and I are as a lot of couples I believe are opposites of each other. Okay are like in many ways, but anyways, we are different. We’re alike, because we are both located individuals. And we’re easy to please, it doesn’t take much to please us. We don’t require a lot. And we’re, you know, low key. However, he’s lower key than I am.

5:20
Oh, yes. So

5:21
he’s just really always even tempered. And, you know, it takes a lot to upset him. And he’s just a real polite gentleman, very compassionate, always concerned about everybody. And, you know, wanting everybody to be happy. And just a really, really nice guy. He’s originally from Georgia. So he is a homegrown southern boy. And I on the other hand, and from the north, and so while I feel shy by nature, I can also be very loud. In my house growing up, we yelled a lot, not argued. But we just talk loud. We were just like, Oh, yeah. And so when I married Michael, and we’re just talking, he’s like, Why are you yelling at me? Oh, gosh, I’m not yelling. I’m

6:12
just. Yeah. Yeah.

6:17
So I can be really loud. And then I’m the real. I’m the one that I would say, more in your face type of person. I’m more apt to tell you what I think with Michael won’t, and perhaps sometimes I shouldn’t. So we’re kind of opposites in that regard. But it works out well.

6:40
Yeah, yeah. Well, it’s totally and you know, this whole podcast is really about inspiring and encouraging wives and wholehearted intimacy. And I’d love to hear if you had a specific scripture or a quote that has meant a lot to you in your marriage over the years. A scripture

6:56
just my favorite scripture, are you sure? Sure. Yep.

7:02
May or maybe one that you know, was relevant to your marriage at some point, or even now? Okay. Probably

7:10
two of them. Second Corinthians 12. Nine, that talks about his grace being sufficient, and his strength to be made perfect in our weakness. Because, yeah, oftentimes, because of my personality that I just described to you sometimes being this, I’m often very independent. And sometimes I feel as though I have to be the strong one. And I have to put on a strong face. And I have to handle everything and take care of everything. And that scripture just reminds me that, hey, it’s only in your weakness that he can show Himself strong. So yeah, if you’re going to be independent, and you think you can handle everything, then there’s no reason for him to show up.

7:54
Right? Right. Isn’t that right? You’ve got to

7:57
show yourself weak in order for him to show yourself strong. So that scripture has really been pivotal for me, and also Romans 828. And we know that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. Because sometimes I think, as a wife, and as wives, we get stressed out, concerned that things aren’t going to work out exactly the way that we want them to. And our husbands are making bad decisions. And you know, what’s going on with the kids and basically, this image that we have in our minds, it’s not playing out. And so that Scripture is a reminder to me that whatever decision my husband makes, if it’s a bad one, whatever my kids are doing, whatever’s going on in my life, good, bad, ugly or indifferent. God use that for my good. He can turn anything around and work it out for my good. So there’s no need to stress about it. Just chill, relax. Yeah, got you and he can work it out for your

8:58
good. And this is brilliant one. I just love the both of these verses. I wanted to go piggyback on what you said, in the first one, Second Corinthians 12, nine, this will all be linked up in the show notes just for the listener. But I wanted to mention what you specifically said, his strength being made perfect in our weakness, and how you said, but if we act like we’ve got it all together, then God doesn’t have that opportunity to move and be the one that saves the day in a sense, is that exactly. Is that kind of how you how you see that? Oh, yeah, Scripture.

9:30
Exactly. Exactly. And oftentimes, we we do that because we forget that we’ve got help in the form of Jesus. And we feel like we’ve got to do all of this on our own. And as long as we have our hands on it, there’s no room for him to do what only He can do.

9:49
Amen. Yeah, I really, really love that. So yeah, these are really good memory verses for anyone listening because both of those are wonderful. Well, and I Yeah, I love that. Okay, so let’s go ahead. And this might even have something to do with the story that you are going to share. But basically, we like, testimonies are very important stories of what God has done in our lives stories of where even we were refined in the fire. Give us hope, when we start to hear someone else’s story, and then are like, we start to realize that, wow, this is what the colons have gone through, and they were able to make it, you know, this, we can apply to our own life. So I’d love for you to share a story of a difficult season or struggle that you had in your marriage. Oh, sure.

10:35
No, I think the funny thing, Bella, is that I think if you’ve got all of the marry with married people together, yeah. And they all told a story, everyone would have the same or similar story. videos I do, because I think all of us experienced similar things that the Bible says there’s nothing new under the sun. So yeah, I think all the stories are similar. They just have different characters in them. Oh, sure. For me, for a very long time, in my marriage, I felt as though I’ve married the wrong person. And I hear that a lot from other women. I hear it on Facebook, I hear it in email. So I know that a lot of other women and men feel the same way that he married the wrong person. So for a long time, that was a struggle for me, you know, I felt like I made a mistake. And the crazy thing about it is prior to us getting married, the Lord had shown me if anybody’s been on our website and read the story of how we met, the Lord woke me up in the middle of the night and told me what month I was going to meet my husband. And even though I met Michael in the month that God said I was going to meet when things started to go, you know, crazy, and they weren’t, things weren’t looking the way I thought they should look, I thought I married the wrong person, I made a mistake. And that tormented me for years. And it made me so discontent in my marriage and dissatisfied with him. And it caused me to change the way I treated him. And for a long time, he felt like I didn’t like him. And guess what? I didn’t. I didn’t like my husband. You know, I’m like, Who is this that I’m married, I’ve made a mistake. And so that, I think, was the biggest struggle for me in my marriage for many years is thinking that I married the wrong person. Because number one, we were, like I explained to the beginning, complete opposites very different from each other. Yeah. And then there’s a age difference between us that you may not know, I’m a lot older. Well, I won’t say a lot cuz I’m still young. But you all are seven, seven years older than I Okay. So, and I’ve been married before, and he’s not been married before. So there are a lot of things that I’ve experienced, that he hasn’t, you know, going into the marriage, I had expectations of him that were simply unreasonable for somebody of his age and never been married before. But I had these expectations. And when he didn’t meet those expectations, I was like, Okay, I made a mistake. I married the wrong person. This is not gonna work. And I was miserable.

13:28
Wow. And when you say Yeah, before you even get to the next thing, because I obviously this turns around, guys, do we know the end of the story, but I love that you share that because I think a lot of people are honestly just too scared to even admit that to them out loud. You know, they don’t want I think a lot of times it tell me if I’m wrong, Wanda, but a lot of times Christians, did you feel like you like this was a secret that you were carrying in your marriage? Or did you were you open with it? Did you tell people I marry the wrong person? This was a secret. It seems

14:01
no. Nobody knew that. Yeah. Nobody knew that. In fact, we were the model cup. Wow, no other couples were coming to us for advice. And you know, we’re counseling and that was even before we had the website. So that was early on in the marriage. Nobody knew that. Nobody.

14:22
And so when you say that you had expectations that he didn’t live up to or didn’t, he just wasn’t the person that you expected of him? I mean, what, what was going on inside of you about that? Like, what expectations were you feeling like you were missing?

14:37
Um, I think because of the type of person that I am. Well, maybe not even the type of person that I am. It may just be a female thing a girl thing could be I expected him to know everything. Oh, yeah. Get him to have all the answers. Yeah, well, my husband and when I come to you about this, you’re supposed to have the answers and you’re supposed to be able to lead this family You’re supposed to this, this and this. And you don’t know this?

15:05
Yeah. So yeah, I think that’s a very common I think you’re absolutely right. Because it’s, that’s a very common like secret fear for women that well, my husband’s disappointing me and my, or my husband’s not like my dad. And my dad was, you know this and that. And then I expected a husband, a man is supposed to be this way. In that way. Do you think your father had some peace in this? Like, who you expected him to be? Or was it something else? No,

15:32
it wasn’t my dad. It was. It was just my, my ideas, I would say I idealistic ideas of what marriage was, yeah, that’s good. When we all when we come into marriage, the majority of us have our own ethics, expectations. Yeah. And unfortunately, most of us, those expectations are built on an unreal realistic idea of what marriage is. Because even though we say we know what we’re doing, and we know what marriage is about, we don’t. And so until we actually get into it, and so I think it just came out of a sense of not really understanding what marriage is.

16:16
Yeah, I love that. Well, and I agree, I think you’re, you’re totally on, on target with this unrealistic expectations thing. And almost our society makes it that way. Because, you know, you see chick flicks all the time. And those are so romantic and so funny, and so cute. And the man does all these wonderful things shows up with roses every other scene, and we assume that’s how our marriage is gonna look like. And that’s we spend, you know, 10 grand on our wedding. And then after everyone leaves, and we’ve got to marry this person, like, so how did? How did you kind of get through this area? Well,

16:56
for me, not just for me, for all of us, there’s a scripture in the Bible that talks about taking every thought captive, yeah, bringing every thought into the obedience of Christ. And I had to learn how to take control of my thoughts. And it wasn’t until I took control of my thoughts, and begin to pull down those thoughts. And replace them with the Word of God, that my attitude towards my husband began to change. Because it’s, the Bible says that out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks, you know, and to guard our hearts, whatever is in our hearts, that’s going to control how we behave. And so in order to deal with what’s in your heart, you got to start by changing the way you think the Bible says to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. So I had to renew my mind. And I had to stop thinking, I married the wrong person. And when those thoughts began to come into my head, I would immediately shut them down and say, No, I’m not going to think that anymore. I, I did not marry the wrong person. I love my husband, he is a gift from God. He is the one that you know, I love and I want to be with. And I just began to talk to myself, and talk to those thoughts that the enemy was sending my way and kept them down. And as soon as I began to do that repeatedly, and control the way I thought, my feelings towards him and my marriage started to change.

18:27
Yeah. Oh, good. That’s cool. That’s very cool. Well, I want to ask you about this idea of the right person and the wrong person in terms of who we marry. So you know, how a lot of times when you grow up when you’re growing up as little girls, it’s like that one, he’s the one for me, that one mentality? Is that something that you think had a part to play in, in your, in your ideas? Like, there’s only one for you that God picks out just that one person?

19:01
My eye is on what can you explain just a little more?

19:05
Yeah. So, me growing up, I always thought that God had a special person picked out for me that I was going to marry and once I found him, then we were all set. And it sounds like you actually have a kind of a cool story of God told you the month and then you met you happen to meet your husband the month that I was married before my current marriage as well. And I think that idea of marrying the one is actually a cultural idea, not a scriptural idea. It’s, um, honestly, it just doesn’t work. Because what if, if you did have one person that you were supposed to marry? You know, then they I guess this is the way I see it, and I would love your ideas. You know what you think? Um, I think that God does sometimes decide, you know, these two people have gone To get together because there are some things that they’re definitely God wants to do specifically through this couple. And that’s I’ve heard people having, you know, the audible voice of God telling him to marry a certain person or it sounds like you had a similar situation to something very, very divine. But for me, I assumed that there’s only one person. So when I married my first husband, I was devastated when, when the marriage turned, horrific, and I got out of it as a divorce. I was so mad at God, because I was like, God, you gave me that one person, why didn’t it work out? And so now I have a different philosophy on I’d love to hear what you think. And what do you think about the the quote unquote, the one for you?

20:44
And I actually agree with what you’re saying. And yeah, I feel the same way. I don’t feel as though there is a one soulmate for everybody. Yeah, if that were the case, then the widowers don’t have a chance of getting married. Because their one and only no longer here, right. I don’t believe that. And the Bible does show us mainly an Old Testament that there were situations where God specifically directed or lead a person to their wife or their husband. No, we see that in Scripture. Yeah. I don’t think that there’s anything in the Word of God that supports the idea that there is one person on the earth for us. Yeah, God gave us free will. That was one of the gifts that He gave us. Yeah, freedom to choose. Yeah, right. Exactly. So I think where relationships are concerned, it’s our choice. And even though the Lord told me what month I was going to meet my husband, it was my choice to say yes to Him. To marry. Yeah, yeah. No, no, I don’t think that there is one person.

22:04
Yeah. Yeah, I think that’s good. Okay. Cuz I think that even like, I know, some singles, even though this is a podcast for married, but some, some also, there’s some mothers that need to be teaching their daughters some of this stuff, because it’s just important to not, you know, it just puts so much pressure on this person who is just as flawed and sinful as you are. You just can’t put that pressure on them that they’re going to be the person that completes your life, quote, unquote, because the truth is, they can’t, Jesus can a person cannot. So Jesus is the one for you. And then deciding if you are going to be married is is a, I think, a journey of wisdom, honestly. And, you know, and then, like I said, there are a handful of exceptions that God definitely needs certain people to get married for certain purposes that he has, and he he shares that with them when they are but for me, I was so scared to get married to my second husband. It’s sad to say that but you know, but I, I really had to learn how to do marriage wrong in order to do marriage. Right. That’s, that’s part of the mission of this whole thing. But anyway, thanks for sharing all that one time. What Any other thoughts you wanted to share about how things turned around? Like I’d love even specifics? Like what was something that happened before with this realization? Like, what are some things that you maybe story of something you would have done before? And then after this realization, what is the way that you do it now?

23:36
Something that I would have done before? And something that I would do now? Well, I think that prior to making the troll of the way that I was thinking about marrying the wrong person, and after I share this, I want to share something else too about Oh, sure. Right or wrong person?

24:01
Oh, one?

24:02
Yeah. Okay. Um, prior to me changing the way that I thought it caused me to withdraw from my husband. Because I was thinking, okay, he’s the wrong one. And I’m back for him. And so I just say what I wanted to say to him, whether it hurt his feelings or not, I was not pleased with him. So whatever, you know, I didn’t care yeah. And sexually, I withdrew from him. I wasn’t trying anymore. I didn’t want to touch me and, you know, laying in the bed like strangers. Yeah. And so of course, and right that created more problems with us and it led to infidelity within our marriage on on my husband, Park. When I changed my thinking, and began to you know, cast down those thoughts and begin to think on the Word of God and read place His Word with my thoughts. My whole attitude towards him began to change and I became more loving. And I began to learn how to love through Christ, and love unconditionally. And realize that both of us, like you said, are flawed. He’s not perfect, but hey, neither are you. And Christ loves you still defame and withdrawing from you, and treating you, you know, with this respect, so how dare you withdraw from your husband is respectful to him. So when I took that turn, it changed the way I spoke to him, you know, I changed how I saw him, I began to respect him more. It changed our level of intimacy, because now I’m attracted to him again, and not withdrawing from him. Oh, those are some specific before and afters.

26:00
Yeah, thanks for the age. Well, and I think that what you shared was so important, for a couple of reasons. I think one thing that I know is just so rampant in our world today is, is Yeah, infidelity in marriage, I guess, outside of a marriage? And, um, how were you able to learning that? And then, I mean, what was the process that you learned of the infidelity for you to actually decide to continue on with a marriage? I mean, that seems incredibly difficult.

26:31
Um, you know, what, I can only say that it was God’s grace was, it wasn’t as difficult for me as it could have been. And the only reason why I think it wasn’t as difficult for me as it could have been, was because at the time it it happened, I was withdrawn from him. And I had already shut down emotionally. You know, and so I wasn’t like, head over heels about my husband at that. I told you, I didn’t even like him. Yeah. So I think that that was, if you want to say the saving grace was I had already detached myself emotionally from him. So when he told me that it didn’t destroy me like it could have. Yeah, it didn’t. It didn’t. It was a wake up call that hey, something’s wrong here. And we need to fix it. totally destroyed me. But at the same time, Bella, strange cat, I, I don’t respond to things, the way that other people would normally respond. I’ve always been that way. I don’t know what to, you know, save the reason for that. Except to say that that’s the way that God created me. And so, you know, I was hurt by it. But I wasn’t like, the marriage is over. We got to force. You know, I hate you type of thing. Oh, okay. We knew that we needed to work some things out. And I think also, because I’ve been married before, unsuccessfully and divorce, that I was determined in this second marriage that this was going to work. And what happened? We’re gonna work this out.

28:20
Yeah. Mm hmm. So when he told you he, I guess was scared to tell you? It’s not that you found out he told you. Yeah, he told me. Wow. And so then, how did you? I mean, what were some steps? I’m just thinking of women that maybe just found out themselves like, what? Maybe a, b, c, and d? Should they do? Or what did you do to get things to a healthier spot? The first

28:50
thing that I had to that I did, and I wouldn’t even say that this was a conscious, a conscious thing that I that I did. But I think the first thing was I realized that what he did was his choice. And that it was not a reflection of who I was as a person. And wasn’t a reflection of me as a wife. Although a lot of times, spouses who cheat, want to blame the other spouse and say, well, it’s your fault. If you hadn’t done this, this and this, then I wouldn’t have, you know, cheated on you. But the truth of the matter is, regardless of what the other person does, you have freewill. And it’s your choice, to cheat to cheat just because somebody does whatever, gives you no right to to go and lay in the bed with somebody else. So it’s not it was your spouse’s choice is that they made? Yeah. The second thing that I had to realize is that if I left my husband Divorce seen him was not going to get rid of the pain that I was feeling. And so divorce itself is painful. And I know that because I’ve been there. Yeah, and especially when you have kids divorce, oh, my goodness, I wouldn’t wish that on anybody. Yeah, this was like the worst experience of my life, because it wasn’t something that you just deal with for a month, especially when you have kids, you deal with this for years. And so the impact of it went on for years. And it was painful for me and for my kids. And so just because the person cheats on you, you don’t have to get a divorce. And divorcing is only going to add more pain to the pain that you’re already feeling. So

30:46
and I want to just interject and underline something that you said which is so powerful. Is that just reiterating your you’re in pain? Because you find out about infidelity? Yes, that is incredibly painful. Your next choice is really your own, whether you’re going to get a divorce, yes, you could. But as Wanda just said, the intense amount of pain that comes with a divorce, and my I myself has been through it myself, is so much an additional to what you’ve already felt it’s not gonna, it’s not going to fix your broken heart just by getting a divorce one, I think that was brilliant. And could you continue on maybe to the third one, if you’re if you’re ready

31:28
for the third thing is knowing that you can survive, it won’t survive it, you can survive it, you hear so many women say going into marriage, that you know, I love my husband. But if he ever cheats on me that is done right through. And so that you have to understand that in marriage, there is no contingency clause, it’s not a contract. It’s a covenant, just like the covenant that we have, with Christ with God. And so in his covenant, there’s no contingency, the covenant is what it is. And if until death do us part and there’s nothing that we can do, that would separate us from the love of God. And therefore there should be nothing that our spouses can do, that would separate us from them, or cause us to reject them. So we have to understand that with God, not in our own strength. Remember, the scripture that I said before His strength is made perfect in our weakness, not in our own strength, but when we rely on Him, then we can begin to understand and know and have confidence that, Hey, God can see us through this and he can heal if we can’t heal ourselves. People say that time heals. No, God heals. God is the healer and the lover of our souls. And if we would just depend on him, he can get us through even infidelity.

32:57
Wow. And it’s Yeah, again, and this is one just saying it from experience, which is incredible. So when so I’m wondering, we do talk a lot about sex on this podcast, because that’s a huge part of, you know, having a fulfilling marriage a lot about sex. I mean, did you say that, you know, certain things needed to be in place before you’re willing to go that way, again, with your husband? Or if you’re willing to share any of that information, but or could you even maybe just guide someone else that may have learned their husband’s infidelity? Like, if you you mentioned that you felt like strangers in your own bedroom? And then he went outside of the marriage? So what, what I mean, what kind of shift happened in that way? And how did it happen? Or how do you think someone else should do it? I guess.

33:52
Um, again, it all points back to God. And really understanding the relationship that Christ has with the church, and all that he puts up with concerning us. Yeah. And even when you think back to go go to the Old Testament, and look at look at the children of Israel, and how unfaithful they are, yes, you know, yeah. And, and again, and again, we read that and we’re like, Oh, my God, just kill them. And, you know, we’re, we get fed up with them just reading the story, but think about Hotshots. So, they continually were unfaithful to him, but continually he went after them continually. He, you know, continued to love them, and wanted them to be his own. And so number one, you have to keep in mind that love is not a feeling. It’s something that we fall in and out of. It’s an action word. It’s something that we do. And so it really doesn’t have have anything to do with how I feel? And I’m not saying that me as a person that I’m insignificant, insignificant, or that what I’m feeling is insignificant. What I’m saying is how I feel cannot be a deciding factor in how I treat my husband. Yeah. So just because I feel like what he did was wrong, and it was doesn’t mean that I have the right to withhold my body from him. And I stand in opposition with God, I’m his word when I do that. So now I’m wrong. So you can’t, yeah, you can’t fix one wrong by, you know, doing another wrong. Yeah. So I think the big thing is that you really have to understand the love of God, what love is, how He loves us unconditionally, and really be committed to not even committed to your husband, because it’s not about that. It’s a god, and committed to doing your marriage God’s way. committed to following his word. Yeah, pleasing God. You have to look past your husband and see God. And your commitment has to be to God even when your husband’s not doing what he’s supposed to do.

36:24
Wow, that’s awesome. That’s, that’s hard. I mean, it’s hard. I mean, yeah. Like, I think we’ve got the theory down, like you’ve given us such good, like rich theology here. But then yeah, to do it. In, in a day to day. Did you have to take like some kind of separation from your husband to get yourself feeling more heels? Or were you willing to just kind of go forward, you know, day by day and try to continue to work together? How did you kind of do that?

36:57
No, we didn’t separate. A big thing for me. And I think a big thing for a lot of us Christian wise, and I think it’s lacking is prayer. We seek prayer for granted. You know, we pray when things are bad, or when you know, we want something. But we really got to get in the habit of going to the Father and just, you know, laying out before him and being naked before him and giving him our hearts and saying, Daddy, this is how I feel if you know what he did you know what he did? You know how I feel God helped me. You helped me to be loving towards him, help me to be the wife that you’ve created me to be? Help me to respond to him the way that I need to respond. Heal my heart, Lord. Prayer is what got me through, you know, that particular season in our life. I didn’t go and talk to anybody. I didn’t have anybody to talk to. Nobody knew that this had happened in our marriage. In fact, most people, including family members didn’t even know anything about this until they went to our website and read it. tell anybody about it. I talked to God about it. And it was God that healed my heart. And it was a daily thing. It wasn’t a every now and then when I think about it. I prayed about it. No, I was on my face every day, praying to God about the situation and not, you know, just talking to God like I’m talking to you right now. Yeah,

38:28
yeah. Yeah. Wow, that’s really good. One day. Yeah. I think that gives people a good sense of even just Yeah, prayer doesn’t have to be this grandiose on your knees, head on the floor, even though I like to pray like that. Sometimes. I mean, it also can be Yeah, just a constant, a conversation. They just start up with the Father, and realize you are talking to the holiest of holies, the most powerful being that made you and loves you and made everything that you’ve ever seen. So I appreciate that encouragement for prayer. Absolutely. And the last thing I want to just kind of pull out of what you talked about how God sees us and the unfaithfulness of our hearts. I love the book of a Hosea. I don’t know of anyone. Yeah. You know, if anyone had not read that book, a basically, God tells Hosea to go and marry a prostitute. Yes. Because he wants Hosea to understand how it feels to be cheated on again and again and again, by Israel. Like basically, that’s what it is. So I love that you brought that out, because that’s exactly right. I mean, how many times have we been unfaithful to God? And, and honestly, ever since this is my second marriage, and we’re gonna move to the next part of the interview in just a second, but since this is my second marriage, I’ve told my husband similar to what Wanda said is that I’ve I’ve told him, Whatever sin whatever you Don’t fall into this kind of thing. Listen, we the point is be honest, just let let we need to talk about it. I don’t, I don’t think you’re above sin. I’m not above sin, you’re not above sin. We’re not above what the enemy might trick us into or whatever. So if you kind of position yourself at a place of, we are a team, we’re gonna fight through it. And my husband has told me literally that that perspective has helped him even in tempting situation, because he’s like, no matter what, I’m going to be open with my wife, and I love her so much. I don’t want to hurt her. It’s not that What am I going to get away with? Or how am I going to hide this from her? She’s going to hear about it because I’ve, I want to share this with her because I don’t want to be carrying this alone. And so I just encourage wives or husbands like realize your spouse is imperfect on on like, they’re, they’re imperfect. They are sitting in areas you might know about whether or not whether it’s gossip, whether it’s judgment, whether it’s actual infidelity or any other thing if you think and put them on this pedestal it might be a it might make it harder to bring out the truth later. Powerful stuff you can tell that you know, just like it says in the Bible, when we’re in our the trials, that’s when the fires go in and the dross goes to the top and gets burned off. I mean, gold is purified in the fire. So if you’re in the fire right now, let one does story just help you to realize that it’s gonna it’s gonna help you I know it doesn’t feel like that. But it’s going to be something that maybe God needed you to understand so that you could help someone else in that exact same spot. I love you. God bless you, and I’ll talk to you on Thursday. Bye.

41:57
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