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Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Hi there! Belah here. Today is Part II of Trista Laborn of the Purpose Driven Wife. Trista shares the challenges she goes through every day, being apart from her husband, who is deployed in a different country most of the time. She admits that it’s definitely not easy, but she makes do of what she has by always keeping the fire burning despite the distance. Listen in as Trista shares some really awesome tips on how to maintain your intimate relationship even when you are miles away from your honey!
Check out Part I at delightyourmarriage.com/44
You’ll Discover:
- What Trista and her husband’s marriage looks like now, even with the distance between them
- How she involves herself in a community to cope with being away from her husband
- How she learned to “filter” what she should and should not tell her husband while he is away
- Her tips on how to keep the intimacy intact even when you’re far away from each other
- How they maintain the love and trust for each other
- How to be confident in your own body and learning what you’re comfortable with, intimacy-wise
Books & Resources Mentioned:
- A Purpose Driven Wife, Trista’s blog
- The Book of Hosea from the Bible
- A Woman After God’s Own Heart
Tweetables:
- We connect by constantly telling each other how we love and miss each other.
- I alway pray for him to meet godly men and women.
- I am not just going to run away from something that is uncomfortable.
- Whenever he comes home from deployment, I make sure that he feels relaxed and feels that our home is his sanctuary.
- Just hang on to God through the difficult times and just watch God manifest in your life.
Thanks for listening! I hope you are encouraged to live in wholehearted intimacy!
Love,
Belah
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Transcript
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah. Rose.
0:17
Hi, there, this is belah rose, I hope you’re doing well. And if this is your first time listening, welcome, we’re here every Tuesday and Thursday, chatting about marriage and chatting about intimacy. If you were on the webinar with me on Tuesday, I want to say thank you so much for being there. And if you weren’t, you still have just just another week and a half to view it. And then after that, it’ll be only just for purchase. So the title is How to make him wild for you the five secrets of receiving love and passion in God’s plan. Please check it out, delight your marriage.com/webinar in order to get it for free before you’ll have to pay for it. Now today Trista just goes through some wonderful tips about how to have a marriage, where you are involved in intimacy, even when you’re not physically in the same place. She’s got fantastic tips. If you haven’t listened to her first half, you can listen to how she grew up was raised in the Bronx of New York. And what God did even when she would find out she was pregnant way earlier than she expected to be. This woman is a woman that I absolutely adore. And she’s got a wonderful heart. And you can tell she’s gives some really great insight today. So listen it I want to switch gears and ask you about what your marriage looks like now.
1:54
So now, my marriage is not perfect.
2:01
It none of ours are
2:02
whatsoever, but we have such a deep love for each other. Because I believe this because of what God had brought us through. You know, it’s so deep. It’s more than just saying, you know, yeah, I’ll be okay. But but it’s still it’s so much deeper than that. I can’t even express it in words. You know, it’s such a, it’s still a learning process between my husband and I, we’re still learning. We’re still learning each other. But we are so happy. You know, we’re so happy. It’s not based on our situation or our circumstances. But it’s really, it’s really good, because we’ve learned to have God at the center of our marriage. You know, it was birth, just out of all of that hurt and pain that that we have gone through just trying to come together, you know,
2:54
wow. Well, interest. I know, you haven’t yet mentioned this yet. But I think it’s a very important detail. That Where is your husband right now?
3:04
So he is actually away. He’s deployed? Yeah, he’s in Japan, actually. And so he’s due back soon. Yeah. And so it’s, you know, Tom’s like, this way, we, you know, hold on to God, and we just, we just look forward to meeting back up again, you know,
3:26
yeah. Is that how you do? I mean, how in the world do you get through it? Has this been like a six month deployment?
3:33
Um, can you repeat that? I’m
3:34
sorry. Oh, sure. No, how long has this deployment then?
3:39
It’s been about six months.
3:40
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, how do you do that first.
3:46
So, you know, it was a learning process. You know, in the beginning, I was so out of my comfort zone, I had no idea what the whole military lifestyle was about, you know, it was really just really listening. And number one, making mistakes. Number two, learning from my mistakes and really just go from there. You know, I had a woman actually, my, my pastor’s wife, not now but when I was in San Diego and Bethany, South Carolina, okay. I, my pastor’s wife was, she was she was she understood the whole military lifestyle. And so she would talk to me just about you know, what, what, what you’re supposed to do and what you’re not supposed to do, you know? And, and so I really just listened I listened to that, you know, it hurt doing those share what she said? Yeah, so yeah, what am I one thing one thing that I’ve learned not to do during the appointment is to tell my husband every single thing that’s going on, like every single thing that that was going on, whether it’s Like the car broke down, whether I mean, a bill like something was late or whatever the case was an accident was an accident, right? I mean, I would share with him like, my day to day things, you know? Yeah. And eventually he was just like, you know, I want to know what’s going on. But I don’t want to know, like, the exactly the every single detail, you know, yeah. And it was kind of it was almost hindering him from really concentrating on what his mission was, you know. So, you know, I’ve learned to really just, you know, tell him, like, the important thing, you know, like, my son had surgery while he was away, you know, my goodness, it was surgery that wasn’t nothing serious or anything like that. But there was some, just some, some things that just had to get corrected. And, you know, he wasn’t there. And so I was giving him the update, I will give them like, any kind of updates and things like that, but not on the fact that a bill was late or something, you know, or something like that, you know? Yeah. Or I ran out of gas or something. I don’t know. Like, I don’t know. Yeah, I need to go gas or something. You know? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, little things like that. Like, there’s no need for him to know, like, every single day. Yeah. You know, all
6:24
you do. I mean, like, in terms of, I mean, I could have been a really scary moment for you when your son’s in surgery, and it’s just you by yourself. I mean, have you had to make sure that you have community around you? Or how do you like, make sure you? You know, don’t go crazy while you’re here. Go away? Yeah.
6:41
And that’s really important, too. And, okay, I get connected, like I had to get to. Well, number one, I have a church family, you know, yeah, they will. Family, you know, family away from family, you know, yeah. And, and then I got involved in my, my husband’s unit, you know, whenever I met wives, friends, that I’m friends with to this day that I’ve met with, you know, do different events and circumstances. And yeah, I, I, um, I had community health, and not only community health,
7:22
so I wanted to ask you, okay, so you said you, you keep community around you. Now, are you able to talk to your husband on a daily basis on the phone? Yeah. When he’s white. Okay. That’s nice. And, and because this is delight your marriage, I really am super interested. And you can share whatever you feel comfortable sharing, but like, how to how do you connect in terms of intimacy while he’s away?
7:46
Oh, yeah. Now, do you really want me to get you know, really? Indeed, nah,
7:51
honestly, as much as you’re willing to share, because I know, because here’s the thing, there’s wives that are listening, that I even had some reach out to me that their husband has to go and be long distance for some reason, or he travels for work. Or, you know, that’s, you know, and they have to be away. So, I think I think people just have no clue. I don’t I have no clue how, how would you connect in terms of distance? So I’d love for you to share. So,
8:19
um, you know, we have learned to just really be creative. Yeah. And fantasize a lot. You know,
8:28
okay. Together, like on the phone together, so.
8:35
My husband, I use Google Hangout. Okay. And but, um, you know, we get creative. Some, yeah, I know, some wives that send underwear with their favorite of my favorite cologne that my husband uses. Oh, my goodness, it’s so and even, you know, there’s a, there’s a perfume that my husband loves and, you know, just sending my, you know, garments to him. And yeah, it’s really just, and we just really connect just by telling each other just really how much we love each other and how much we make. You know, yeah, it has grown throughout the years. Wow. Yeah, that’s one of the main reasons that’s one of the main ways.
9:20
Yeah. Okay. And so, okay, so that, okay, so it sounds like you, you’re basically using the like, technology is a big, big piece of it also is like you’re using the technology. And so together, do you kind of encourage because here’s this is something that I think couples have to talk about no matter what, whether they’re, you know, whether they’re far away or not, they need to be talking about like how much they’re comfortable with masturbation is that mutual masturbation when they’re together or masturbation separately? And then of course, in a Biblical sense, masturbation has to be not, you know, it’s just about your husband or your wife. Have you found like other wives? Do they? Do they share like tips on on this or that? Or how they can? Yeah, they
10:09
do, you know, if some do, you know, that I feel good with and, you know, we’ve even had like talks about it as far as that way, my husband, but you know, as women, you know, we would just have talks, and I’ve gotten some really good ideas from, you know, great, really talking with, you know, with other women when it came to when it came to masturbation and things like that. Some were very open about it, and some is just like, well, you know, that’s between me and my husband. Yeah. Which is, you know, which is whatever, you know, yeah, you know, whatever. But, you know, I have an even when it comes to, like, different toys and things like that. Okay. Yeah, um, women would, would talk about that. Personally, you know, my husband is not really big on toys and things like that, you know? Yeah, I think I would probably say we’re very much like old fashioned, I guess. I don’t know. Yeah,
11:14
yeah. Well, if anyone does want to find toys, in a Christian context, I’ve got, I’ve got some resources linked up on my delight, your marriage.com, there’s a tab that’s called resources, you can just click from there. And check out some Christian toys that are not Christian in that they’re not scary. There’s no nudity or any of that kind of stuff. But, but I hear what you’re saying. I mean, sometimes it’s hard to either take that step or even if you want to take a step like that toward but not only that, like,
11:43
I’ve learned that I had to be okay with my body and okay with myself as well. Like, you have to be okay with saying, you know, I’m not comfortable doing that. Or, like, I don’t want to, you know, like, I don’t want to use toys or, you know, whatever. You know,
12:02
yeah, yeah. No, that’s good. Yeah, I
12:05
have to be at peace with that.
12:08
Yeah. Okay. Yes. And so, can I just ask, how, how nervous? Are you about using technology that it could get into the wrong hands somehow, like, somehow it could be? You know, I mean, yeah, what do you what are your thoughts on that? Oh,
12:25
I’m not nervous about it. Because, um, you know, what, whatever, I, you know, whatever I do, it’s, it’s, well, my husband number one,
12:36
and, right.
12:38
And then if my kids like, find us, you know, find pictures and things like that. I’m not gonna freak out and be like, How dare you? You know, because I feel like it’s my responsibility to put it in its proper place,
12:50
you know? Okay. Yeah. Yeah. You know,
12:52
so, you know, if it happens, you know, I just let them know that, you know, this is something for your father.
13:02
Haha, that’s right. So you get that right back? That’s funny. Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, and as a wife, I’m sure. It’s been important for you to be thinking about how to kind of meet and connect with him in that area, even when he’s on deployment. I mean, sounds like that’s something that’s on your top on your priority list to make sure it happens. Is it?
13:27
You mean to be static? Yeah. Yeah.
13:31
So make sure sex is happening between the two of you even when he’s far away? You know? Yeah.
13:36
You know, really ticking. The Romans. burnin. Yeah,
13:44
yeah, yeah, yeah, yes.
13:46
You know, you don’t want to fall into the typical, okay, let’s take pictures, you know, kind of thing, you know, because it gets boring after a while, you know?
13:56
Okay. Yeah. So you’re saying you’re saying do variety,
14:01
variety, variety of a lot of things. You know, my husband has been on a lot of appointments. And so I’ve had to be really creative with some women, you know, that they husbands don’t go as much to the appointment. So, you know, they don’t have to be as creative, but my husband goes on appointments quite often. And so I’ve had to be creative and anything like that. So
14:26
wow, does it ever does ever make you nervous that he’s gone so long in that regard?
14:32
Oh, no. Because, you know, it’s rest in the fact that God has permitted him to, you know, and which excludes him having to deploy you know, quite often times, you know, that that’s the purpose and so, I’m getting nervous. No, because, like I said, it’s part of God’s purpose. And he knows that too. Yeah, that temptation doesn’t happen, you know, because if he does it and that will show that that’s where growth comes in. No.
15:04
Oh, very good. Would it tell me what you mean by that?
15:07
So, um, there have been times where, when my husband has been away, that women have come to him and, you know, not to sex or anything, but the man has come to him to, you know, for any kind of advice he is. He he’s pretty high ranking. And so he, you know, took that as someone that you can go to for, you know, whatever. And then, you know, would try to do something, but, but it’s always, you know, it’s always taken care of, you know, or he goes to other countries when other countries sex is like, is very wide open, you know? Yeah. You know, yeah, sell themselves to sex in different countries. And yeah, that too, you know,
15:59
yeah. Yeah. And he shared with you when these temptations come up.
16:04
Oh, yeah. Like, you know, he said to me that, in this particular country, you know, some women, they they begin massages, okay, okay. Now, in this in this country, my husband was, he’s into like, jujitsu and things like that. So yeah. So he’ll go and do that in this particular country. But then also, there’s, like, you know, to help out with, you know, with, with your body and things like that, that your body goes through when you do Jiu Jitsu, they have like sports massage. But, you know, they have other services as well, that will take it up a notch, you know? Yeah. So again, she things like that, that, you know, you have to be mindful. I mean, they Yeah.
16:50
Yeah. That’s, thank you so much for sharing that I bet. In here’s a question just for, you know, this is a podcast for wives what, you know, husbands do listen to? Is it helpful that he shares with you these times that he feels tempted?
17:05
Yeah, it does. Because, you know, it builds my choices for him, you know, it builds my trust. And I know that even when I may hear something, you know, from otherwise, that may talk like, oh, you know, I saw your husband, you know, getting a massage, and you know, what they do over there in that country kind of thing, you know, and, you know, the thing is, I know, my husband, you know, I know, my husband and I trust them. So, you know, not only does sometimes he’ll share with me that this other men that will leave their wives because, you know, they feel so lucky. Other countries, you know, women, you know, are just taught differently to on how to take care of their husbands. And then when they go over to these countries, they feel so taken care of they feel so wanted, you know,
17:56
okay, yeah. You know, yeah, exactly. Yeah. So
18:03
they literally, like a Muslim was shared with me this one time, he was sick. He was very much sick. And the maid at this particular country, I mean, took care of his clothing, iron his clothes, bought him soup, and things like that. I shouldn’t have to do man, you know, that. But that was just part of the culture of what women did what women do, you know, of just taking care of, you know, people, you know, that like, yeah, how they don’t care of each other, you know? Yeah. And, um, and things like that, that sometimes men will just leave, they leave their wives because they just feel so taken care of, you know,
18:43
wow. Wow. Yeah. Thank you so much for sharing that that’s, I love that you pulled out the, it helps. It helps you trust him for him to tell you when he’s feeling either tempted, or when these things happen. And that other day really
19:01
compromising? You know, yeah, it can make him look bad when he’s, you know, just innocently, you know, just doing whatever, you know, just take doing his day to day things, you know, and temptation comes in all kinds of angles.
19:18
Right. Right. Right. And, and, and I think it’s very wise of you to say, Okay, we need some variety, we need to make sure that he’s feeling you know, the desire and, you know, able to connect in the ways that we can connect with each other via these different hangouts and that kind of thing, which is really great. Good, well, thank you for going into all that. I really appreciate it. Because I think it’s really going to help people I’ve gotten questions around that area already. And so,
19:48
you know, sometimes to what helps is, you know, I don’t know if this is too personal, but
19:57
if you’re willing to share, okay, thank you. It’s safe. It’s a safe place here.
20:03
So sometimes doing videos helps out.
20:06
Yeah. Okay, so sending a video or like on an on a hanger
20:11
sending videos of my husband I, and, you know, just recapping the you know, the intimacy and things like that. Yeah.
20:23
Yeah, that is really good. It’s, it’s interesting. Like as wives a lot of times, we’re like, Well, that just seems way too, whatever or way too out there all that stuff. It’s easy for us to think that. But the truth is, where if that is your intimate act, that is your intimacy. And the fact is, if you’re having to be separated, you know, the Paul says, Don’t deprive each other except for a short time, if you have to fast and pray, and then hurry up and start to you know, start doing it again, otherwise, yes. And so I think I think it’s very wise. Trista that you are very, you know, careful about your husband’s desire for sex. Because the truth is, you don’t want Satan to get in and tempt him to sin, you want to make sure that you’re meeting those desires for him.
21:17
And, you know, and oppose prayer. Well, I’m constantly playing from you know, with God’s help that he, patient, you know, yeah, I’m not gonna blind to the fact that he’s not going to be tempted, you know, so, I have to do my part as well, you know, yeah. And so does God, you know, right. Give them the strength to overcome this, you know, that’s so and sometimes he’s not always motivated to get into the world as well. You know, yeah. He’s always motivated. He’s not always, you know, bear with other spiritual, you know, Friends, I can keep him accountable. You know, for some, it’s just him. And so prayer plays a huge part in that as well. Ya know, so I’m always praying for him to meet godly men and women, you know, but mostly men. And women, you know? Yeah. So, you know, I do that as well. So he is covered. Every single day, you know,
22:21
that’s good. Yeah. Yeah. And I, and I like that. You also mentioned that he also has a job to do of being in the word himself, you know, being prayerful himself. You know, Eve was the one that took the apple, but Adam was the one that was responsible, you know, so, men have a lot on their shoulders as wise wives, we can do it, we can, you know, that’s the work. I do a webinar that’s coming up really soon, I hope that people will be on but I’m talking about what the wives can do. But, you know, obviously, the men, you know, have got to take, take the responsibility ultimately. So that’s really good. Um, okay, so I want to in terms of time, I love that we got got into that deeply. But if you could say, what are the chief three things that you feel have been central to your marital success? What would they be?
23:12
Oh, the key thing. I will always one of the key things is number one, of course, always have God, you know, a center. Okay. Yeah. And that was something that we my husband, I saw. How can I say that is displayed, you know, between my, my pastor back in South Carolina, with him and his wife, you know, they were honest. You know, they were honest about their bedroom. They were honest about their finances, and everything. And we love that. Okay. Yeah. So we love just the honesty, because we feel like, you know, I mean, we, you know, we’re just different, you know, and we just felt like, you know, we just needed some, just the ones to really just show us like, what does it look like to have Christ in our marriage? And so, let’s go we really we have really learned to to do that. Another thing is not running away from being convicted. Now, let me let me explain that. Yeah. So um, sometimes there are times where I don’t want to hear that. Sometimes I’m tagging him, you know, I’m tagging him, you know, but I know that and I’m saying that as just one as one thing, but I’m not running away from being convicted or just being challenged, because I know that it’s for the betterment of not just me, but for both of us, you know, yeah, I’m just growing from my mistakes born from my conviction. And so I’m not going to just run away from sometimes When he tells me something that’s uncomfortable. Okay, yeah. So that’s another thing that I would I would say. And then three, the one thing that has really, um, I don’t know if this is going to be out of your question, I don’t know, I know it. But one of the things that has really impacted my life was a book that I guess, it was a book that a wit called woman, a woman after God’s own heart. And she described just really how to take care of a home and really, you know, what, you know, what you need to do when it comes to think of a home, and things like that. So this is my third reason, um, yeah, in the book, she describes on just basically how important it is, you know, to manage your home. And so she gave the story about how her husband, always at the work will come. And as soon as he comes, he comes in a start, so her children would sit down and eat dinner. But at this particular day, he was late, he was late today to dinner and didn’t tell her. And so after the kids, he she put up the bed, she stood up waiting for him. And so by the time he got home, when he got to the door of the house, he literally like fell into the door. And he said to her, he said the whole time, you know, I was at work, and this whole time that I was, you know, just busy running around, he said, All I could think about is if I could just get home, I’ll be okay. And it gave that picture of just how almost like a sanctuary, your home could be, like a home of just being relaxed and things like that. And that will be bought at home for me, because, you know, I really want I really want to accomplish that when I, you know, whenever my husband comes back from deployment, or even when he comes back from, from work, I want him to feel like, this is my sanctuary, like I want to, I want him to feel relaxed, and like the troubles of the world, he can leave at the door, but But at home, he could be himself he can, you know, just just whatever, you know, he can just filled, filled back up so he can be able to take on, you know, the things as he gets back into the world, right. And so that’s one of the things that he had made such a profound life change in my life, that it made me want to accomplish that, you know, and you know, basically every single day even from deployment when he comes home from deployment. And even when it comes to homework, I want him to feel that way. Not just him, but my children as well.
27:34
That’s awesome. No, that’s really cool. Well, thank you for answering. Yeah, that was one of my questions was the book that you’d recommend. Now? We talked a lot about the intimacy advice, but if there was one tip that you wanted to give, that you wish someone let you in on earlier about physical intimacy, what would it be?
27:53
By the way, I just thought of that. God created sex, you know, got it concrete sex on me to enjoy. You know, that was one thing that really freed me. Yeah, so focus on a lot of things. Um, you know, it’s good, that that God created me to enjoy sex, you know, so it’s not like, bad, you know, that I enjoy sex most of the time, like, almost all the time, you know? Yeah. For me to enjoy. So I’m really love that.
28:24
Yes, I think that’s, that’s a huge thing. And so, this is actually the final question is, if you could go back to year one in your marriage, and sit yourself down, what’s one piece of advice that you would give to you?
28:39
I will tell myself, just you are going to be okay. Yeah, you are going to be okay, because you’re one was very hectic. And just that everything is gonna work out. God has such a beautiful plan for you to just hang on to hang on to God do do the difficult times. And watch God manifest themselves in your life.
29:11
Yes. Yes. That’s awesome. And and then where can our audience find and connect with you? Oh, they
29:18
can definitely find out more about me on my website, a published in a wife at a driven wife.com or on my Facebook page agent, a wife. Or you can email me at T Leborgne. At Hotmail.
29:34
Perfect. Okay, Trista. Well, I am excited you have given us so much great insight and wisdom and thank you for everything. I mean, all that you’re doing the the work that you’re doing, and please check out her podcast and she’s got a book in the works. I’m not sure. Did you finish the book yet? Or is it still
29:52
is almost done. Yeah, by the end of this month, I’m so excited.
29:58
Oh, very cool. Okay, so He actually might be available by the time this airs, it’ll air in a couple of weeks. So awesome. We’ll just again, thank you for everything and I’m looking forward to chatting more soon. Yeah, thank you wasn’t that fantastic? Trust is such a wonderful lady. And you can find out all of the details of what we talked about. And also go to the Resources page at delight your marriage.com/resources if you’re looking to spice things up in intimacy, whether you are right next to each other in the same bed or sees apart as Trista talked about, okay, my dear friend, God bless you. I love you and I’m praying for you and your marriage.
30:46
Thanks for joining. If you’ve been inspired by this show, would you help spread the word? If you take a moment to review and subscribe others can find us more easily. Find out how to delight your marriage.com forward slash iTunes. Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion