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Transcript:

• Article: Why Oral Sex (Peni) Matters To Your Marriage

  • Oral sex is not the easiest thing to talk about. Most of us don’t. There’s a lot of reasons for this. In general, Christians are not comfortable discussing sex at all.

  • Funny though, that the prized nuclear family (husband, wife and kids) is dependent on sex. Looking at our communication around the topic, it seems we all pretend sex has nothing to do with a healthy, happy, and virtuous family.

  • Without communication, however, there are serious problems and areas of ignorance that are destroying families.

  • I think God made sex an integral part of His plan for marriage and we need to start talking about it in order to fix these issues.

  • Oral sex is a valuable part of the intimate experience, which is why I teach wives step-by-step, very practically, to enjoy being generous in this way. Mastering this love-skill can provide a needed foundation for life-long intimacy and passion in marriage.

• There are two main points I want to explain:

• 1) My Story – how life has brought me to want to teach other women on this topic; and

• 2) Oral Sex In A Patriarchal Society – why it is important in your marriage, even in a cultural context that already puts men in charge.

• 1) My Story: Ignorance and Pain to Confidence and Purpose

  • My upbringing isn’t so unique and maybe just as dysfunctional as yours. I grew up without much understanding of sex except through coarse jokes at school. My mom had told me close to nothing of men or their parts, so I assumed the penis was simply a urine dispenser. One day in seventh grade, a popular boy told me the rumor of a student who had an erection at gym. It was clear I had no idea what he was talking about. After being completely humiliated, I confronted my mom. I was so angry she let the discomfort of talking about sex hold her back from cluing me into the sexual realities of life.

• Ignorance Is A Poor Protector

  • I don’t fault my mom in wanting to protect me. I understand no mother wants to see their daughter explore sex prematurely. Many of our parents just wanted to keep our curiosities from turning into actions, so they thought it best to ignore the topic. Her silence and the appalled expressions she gave when I asked questions, my young heart interpreted as my body and sexuality are undesirable and disgusting. That insecurity made it pretty easy for me to avoid uncomfortable and potentially sexual situations.

  • It wasn’t until college when a man, quite a bit older, took interest in me and confidently flattered me. He insinuated marriage early on and I felt that was a great way out of my insecurities. Once we were married, I thought, he wouldn’t be able to run away even when he saw all of my “gross parts”. When we married, sex wasn’t as wonderful as I had hoped. Hormones didn’t take over to make me wild with passion, give acrobatic abilities, and give and receive ecstatic pleasure (as I expected). It was instead very painful, physically and emotionally. This is was one of many reasons our marriage fell apart, leaving me deeply wounded.

• Learning To Value Sex

  • It wasn’t until I met my now husband, D, that I began to understand the worth of my body and the value of sex. In reaction to my experience, I was not seeking God when we began dating and I regret that our relationship became sexual prior to marriage. Surprisingly though, our sex life was more intimate and tender than I’d ever experienced in my previous marriage. D wouldn’t let me refer to it by anything other than “making love”. He gently showed me how much he valued my body, even (or especially) those “gross parts” I had loathed for so long.

  • I began to explore my sexuality with fervor. After pursuing Christian books on the topic years prior, I found they lacked practical instruction and application. So, I started reading secular books, articles, blogs; I took courses, listened to podcasts, and generally immersed myself to understand how my body and the male body worked. My pursuits gave me a level of confidence in the bedroom. I eventually was able to feel competent in understanding how men think and how their bodies work.

  • With gentle D, my insecurities began to melt away and I learned to feel free, sexy, and vulnerable for the benefit of our marriage.

  • Now as I have repented and am pursuing God wholeheartedly, I want to give a way for other wives to avoid my pain and struggle, or to find the way out of it.

  • Now, I teach women to be passionate and confident in their marriages, understanding very practically, God’s holy design for sex (and oral sex).

• 2) Oral Sex In A Patriarchal Society

• Different But Equal

  • Outside of the bedroom, I am grateful that in my marriage each of our strengths and passions are honored, regardless of cultural expectations. My husband is passionate about family and parenting. He is very content to spend mornings with our children while I pursue my writing, podcasting and teaching. He is a wonderful cook as well and often contributes to our family through meals. I am naturally a planner and organizer. So, I generally take care of our budget, paperwork, and bills. Our strengths complement each other in many areas and we’re able to live content this way.

  • I realize this is not the case in many marriages. Many wives are expected to do far more than their fair share. In our household, we’re all thankful for our feminist mothers who fought and won a level of equality for women. There is certainly more work to be done before men and women are treated equal in our society, however. A wife is often expected to serve her husband through housework, childcare, and other family duties. Usually, that same woman is working full-time and is just as exhausted at the end of the day as her husband, but her work continues.

• So, Why Another Job?

  • Why give women one more thing to do for their husbands i.e. peni? Don’t women have enough on their plates? Shouldn’t men be giving their wives some oral appreciation? The answer is: yes. Men should be. They should be learning to give their wives pleasure and generously loving them in the bedroom. They should also be shouldering the housework, childcare, and other family responsibilities.

  • I teach women, however, because I believe a wife’s proactive service in this area can encourage her husband to work hard to meet her needs in response.

• Refocus and Reprioritize

  • The way I see it, women can do something that significantly impacts the marriage for the good. It is important to realize when I’m talking about wives serving their husbands in the bedroom, I’m talking about your marriage. I am not talking about the society as a whole. There are men who take advantage of women, objectifying and degrading women, and who unfairly expect the world from their wives and give nothing in return. Is that your husband? If it’s not, then why wouldn’t you want to delight him in the bedroom?

  • There is wisdom in assessing your own marriage against the societal norm to determine if changes need to be made. However, I encourage you not to be paranoid and deprive your husband, just because others in our society are misunderstanding the true equality that women possess in marriage.

  • Ultimately, we want a life-long, happy, passionate, and fulfilling marriage. Isn’t our aim to “have and to hold, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part”? Each partner has a part to play in achieving this goal. You are not the only part of this equation, but you are the only part that you can control. It is your responsibility to take the action you can take towards this goal.

• Different Needs, Same Goal

  • Instead of focusing on what is fair or who is doing more in the marriage (or more specifically, in the bedroom), we should refocus on meeting each others’ highest priority desires. When I think of my highest priority desires in our marriage it would probably be:

    • a) supportive and attentive listener,

    • b) generous with affection,

    • c) happy to help me physically,

    • d) emotionally available,

    • e) kind and strong character,

    • f) hard worker and provider and

    • g) spiritually faithful.

  • I am most content in our marriage if these are met. When they aren’t, I feel alone, sad, and even desperate. My husband is aware of these desires and thankfully seeks to meet them daily.

  • My husband’s highest priority desires are different. Some overlap to an extent. I believe I’m pretty close if I sum his chief ones as needing to be:

    • a) honored,

    • b) respected,

    • c) encouraged,

    • d) understood, and

    • e) sexually desired and gratified.

    • If I quizzed him I might find more, but these are generally the essentials for him to feel content in our marriage.

  • You and your husband also have particular needs. I would encourage you to think seriously about yours and his. I’d guess if you’ve continued listening this far, you agree that your husband has strong sexual needs. Though I would feel uncontent without sex in our marriage, it may catch up with me after a couple of weeks. Like most men, my husband would feel distracted, dissatisfied, and even despairing after just a couple of days. Feeling fulfilled sexually is a high-priority need for him.

• Do What You Can Control

  • Instead of thinking about whether he is giving to you sexually as much as you give to him, I would encourage you to be thinking about if your highest desires are being filled and if you are filling his. If your marriage is on rocky ground right now, it may be because of a cycle of needs going unmet. Namely, he doesn’t meet your highest priority desires so you respond by not meeting his. It goes on like this to the destruction of a marriage.

  • The only one thing you can do to break the cycle: begin generously meeting his highest priority desires. If you are doing more of the serving in the bedroom for a time while your marriage climbs to a better place, that’s ok. There probably needs to be a season of unification between the two of you through frequent physical intimacy. After your relationship is in a little bit of a better spot, you can address the difficult topics, i.e. his being more generous in the bedroom. At that point, he will feel more fulfilled and eager to meet your desires as well.

• Fabulous Way To Meet His Desires

  • It is an act of love that touches him deeply, on an emotional level. When my husband holds me and listens to me through tears and vulnerability, I feel loved in the deepest part of my heart. Take a minute to consider a time you have felt deeply loved by your husband. Now realize that serving him in this way probably gives him that level of fulfillment.

    • I have briefly outlined some of the top reasons many men enjoy peni as much or even more than penetration.

    • a) You’re In Command- Performance anxiety plagues many men in the bedroom. He can relax and let you take charge.

    • b) Visual- Depending on your position and attire, the experience provides him with very gratifying views which are incredibly pleasing to his eyes.

    • c) Being Served- Just as we all enjoy being doted on, it is especially enjoyable for his wife to consider his likes and deliver accordingly. It is also a wonderful joy for you to know what makes him go wild and bring him to magnificent bliss.

    • d) No Risk of Pregnancy- Depending on the season of your marriage, he may enjoy this sexual activity without risk.

    • e) Feels Great- Many intimate options are enjoyable for him, but your mouth, lips and tongue provide a variety of unique and wonderful sensations.

    • f) Makes Him Feel Like A King- All little boys have dreams of adventure and conquest. Little boys grow into men who still desire to win on the field, in the board room, or at the poker table. Serving him in this way makes his “winning-meter” go way up.

    • g) Feel Wanted/Sexy- It shows him how much you are physically attracted to him.

    • h) Honoring His Essence- No thing has he treasured more since boyhood, the penis is the defining feature of a man. Realize this act of love touches him deeply, on an emotional level. When my husband holds me and listens to me through tears and vulnerability, I feel loved in the deepest part of my heart. Take a minute to consider a time you have felt deeply loved by your husband. Now realize that serving in this way probably gives him that level of fulfillment.

• Why Do I Teach Oral Sex?

  • The psychology required, knowledge of his body, and understanding of his stages of arousal are important in getting him to incredible ecstasy. If a wife becomes wonderfully competent in this area, she has all the foundation needed for a lifelong passionate intimacy. She has the ability to arrest the cycle of hurt and imbue her marriage with deeply felt affection and love. The rewards of serving her husband in peni may be far greater than she can imagine. Just give your husband a chance to appreciate you for such a generous display of love for him. You may be surprised by the results for yourself, your husband and your marriage.

Transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah. Rose.

0:16
Hi, there. This is belah rose. And I want to thank you so much for joining me today. I’ve got a great episode for you today. And I want to dive into why Penny matters to your marriage. Penny is my word for oral sex. And you’ll listen to why I have that name in a little bit. But please listen in for the eight reasons that oral sex is hugely helpful for your marriage. And I want to talk about why you might have some reservations in going for it. And then I want to give you a free resource. So definitely listen, for the end to know how to get that. Because this is this is a huge topic, it’s hard to talk about. But it’s really important. So listen in, and I’ll catch you on the other side. Okay, well, let’s dive in. First of all, what I’m really aiming to do with you today is to walk you through some of the reservations that you might be having, and get you past them. And to a place where eventually, you’re understanding why oral sex, as I call it, Penny would be something that would be helpful to in corporate into your marriage. And then also, I want to talk about why it matters to your husband. And we’re going to talk about his high priority needs or desires and your high priority desires as well. And finally, I’m going to talk about why this flavor of intimacy is a particularly pleasurable and special delight for your husband. So let’s go ahead and dive in. Now. The first reservation that you might have is the question, is it dirty? Okay. And now I have touched this on this before in Episode 14, you want to go back and listen to that. That’s where I reframe it. But basically, I want to ask you to think about why is your first instinct that this flavor of intimacy is dirty? Well, it’s probably because the first place that you ever saw or heard anything about this was a dirty area, it was sinful, when so so you’re framing this whole flavor in a sinful way. But I’d like to reframe it for you. Okay, I’d like to use a different name. Instead of oral sex, let’s use the word Penny. And again, I talked about that more in Episode 14, but Pni is short for Pena Lingus. And so it’s really just a new word to be thinking about. Bringing your husband to orgasm, through using your mouth and your hand. And once again, this is a delight for your husband, this is not a delight for you don’t have to put this in any other context. This is the context of you and your husband in your marriage bed. Now, one other thing I want to talk about, is the question of is it sinful? Well, here’s the deal. The Bible does have framework around sexual desires, sexual acts, he does, he has a framework, but after going through much research and really understanding what the Bible says about sex, here’s the framework, the framework is within the marital union, it is okay. That is the framework and of course, the marital union in the Bible is a male and a female in that marriage. So, um, that’s the framework within that framework. You are set. You are okay. You are bringing pleasure and delight to each other. And if you haven’t had a chance to read Proverbs recently, but there’s a lot of Proverbs it talks about adultery and it talks about how the wrong kind of sex adultery whether that’s lusting after someone which, you know, there’s a whole spectrum of things that the world says is okay, that is not biblically, but within your marriage. So So So what I was gonna say is that adultery is bad. And Proverbs talks about that over and over and again, but then he talks about for the for the ways of man, or before the Lord and he ponderous all his doings, which is really interesting, because if you ever thought that God didn’t care about your sex life, the truth is he does. And he cares about your heart when you’re in the midst of being generous and serving your husband or serving generously your wife as well. Okay, so Those are the first two points I wanted to go through. The third point is really the question of aren’t women already serving enough in our society.

5:10
And here’s the thing, many wives are expected to do far more than their fair share. Now in our household, we are thankful for our feminist mothers who fought for and one level of equality for women. But the truth is there certainly more work to be done before men and women are treated equal in our society. However, the The trouble is, a wife is often expected to serve her husband through housework, childcare, and other family duties. And usually, that same woman is working full time and is just as exhausted at the end of the day as her husband, but her work continues. So I just want to speak to that wife, if you’re listening, there is absolutely wisdom in assessing your own marriage against the societal norm to determine if changes need to be made. However, I encourage you, wife not to be paranoid and end up just depriving your husband in intimacy, just because others in our society, our misunderstanding, true equality, that women possess in marriage. And the equality I’m talking about, I believe, is absolutely biblical, when we’re talking about first Genesis 127, where it says that he made them in his image, he made them male and female. And that’s important because we can all learn something about God by looking at our spouse, that God made them a certain way on purpose. Okay, so yes, I hear you if if you feel like, you know, Penny is just adding another job to the list. I want to talk about that even. Why give women one more thing to do for their husbands? Ie Penny? Don’t women have enough on their plates already? And here’s the other part of that is shouldn’t men be giving their wives some oral appreciation? And so my answer is, yes, men should be they should be learning to give their wives pleasure and generously loving them in the bedroom. They should also be shouldering the housework, the childcare and other family responsibilities. So yes, husbands, please do serve your wives. And just as just as Christ serves the church, right, that’s, that’s what we’re talking about. See, I teach women specifically on this topic, because I believe a wife’s proactivity in this area, can encourage her husband to respond by meeting her highest priority desires. And I’ll talk about this more soon. Let’s talk about the goal of marriage anyway. I mean, ultimately, didn’t we all stand at the altar or stand before the judge or wherever we stood to get married? Didn’t we want that lifelong, happy, passionate, and fulfilling marriage isn’t our aim to have and to hold for better, for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health till death, do us part. So who’s responsible for meeting those goals? Each partner has a part to play in achieving the goal, right? And you are not the only part of the equation, but you are the only part that you can control. So it is your responsibility to take action, the actions you can take towards this goal. And here’s my heart really is that if you go ahead, and and do the work that you know is important to your husband, I believe he will then have a great response to that in seeking to do his own part of the equation. But let me talk about high priority desires. This is very important.

9:03
Priorities. Right? That’s priorities are huge. I mean, think about when you are going to the grocery store to make wonderful chicken dinner that night. Now, there’s a couple things that are higher priority on the list, then some things for example, maybe you had intended to do this chicken dinner by the evening. So if you did not pick up the chicken, for example, and instead went for pack of gum, somebody forgot about the priorities right, the chicken is the most important part. That’s what I’m talking about. In marriage. If you are not understanding what’s highest priority to your husband, or highest priority to yourself, there’s there’s a big deal there. So instead of focusing on what is fair, or who is doing more in the marriage, or more specifically in the bedroom, we should refocus on meeting each other’s highest priority desires. So here’s just kind of, for myself as an example I am most content in my marriage if my highest priority desires are met, right? When they aren’t, I feel alone sad and even desperate for those desires. And my husband is the only one that can meet them. So here are the ones that are specific to me, a a supportive and attentive listener. That’s huge for me be when he is generous with affection. See, happy to help me physically. For example, opening doors for me or carrying groceries or pushing the stroller all those things he’s incredibly generous that way and that’s very important to me. D I need him to be emotionally available when I need his embrace or just caring for me when I need him. If I’m you know, having a rough day or having you know, a rough hour even when he’s there is really important. He is kind and honest character. F is hard worker and provider, G spiritually faithful and H a strong sexual desire. Yes, I did put that at H. But let’s let let me also talk about what what his highest priority desires are, because they’re different. Of course, some of them will overlap to an extent. But I believe I’m pretty close, if I were to sum up his chief desires as letter A to feel honored and respected by me, letter B. To feel listened to and understood. See, to be sexually desired and gratified, and d to be able to watch and play soccer. That is a very important one for him. So if I quizzed my husband more, I might be able to find there were some others that I missed. But generally, these are the essentials for him to feel content in our marriage. So you and your husband also have particular needs. And actually what I’m now calling them as high priority desires, because the truth is, we all can live without these needs. And Luke guilt person in a past episode was was good enough to talk more about his sex, a need or desire. So I believe it’s a high priority desire for most men. But anyway, if any of these high priority desires are left unmet, or one person is uncared for in their hearts, highest priority desires, it’s going to erode the marriage, it really is. So I would encourage you to think seriously about yours. And his, why don’t you just pause this audio and write down? What are your highest priority desires in your marriage? And then write down what are his

12:47
Are they are they the same? So hopefully, you did pause and think through that a little bit. But my guess is that if you’ve continued listening this far, you agree that your husband has a strong sexual desire. And of course, I I often talk to you, if I don’t always address the wives that have the higher drive, I’m typically addressing those that the husband has the higher drive. So though I would feel uncontained myself without sex in our marriage, it might catch up with me after a couple of weeks. But like most men, my husband would feel distracted, dissatisfied and even despairing after just a couple of days. feeling fulfilled sexually is a high priority desire for him. So instead of thinking about whether he’s giving you it, whether he’s giving to you sexually as much as you give to him, what I would encourage is for you to be thinking about your highest desires, whether they’re being fulfilled, and if his highest priority desires are being fulfilled. And here’s the thing, if your marriage is on a rocky ground right now, it’s probably because of a cycle of high priority desires going unmet need, namely, he doesn’t meet your desires, so you respond by not meeting his it goes on like this to the destruction of connection and eventually the marriage. There’s only one thing that you can do to break the cycle. Begin generously and delightedly meeting his highest priority desires. If you are doing more of the serving in the bedroom for a time while your marriage climbs to a better place, that’s okay. There probably needs to be a season of unification between you two, and that season can be jumpstarted through frequent physical intimacy. After your relationship is in a bit of a better spot you can address the difficult topics. For example, meeting your higher priority needs or desires. At that point, he will feel more fulfilled and eager to meet your desires. Okay, so let’s move on to why this flavor of intimacy is a special delight, and why it should be incorporated in your marriage. Now Penny is an act of love that touches him deeply on an emotional level. When my husband holds me and listens to me through tears and vulnerability, I feel loved in my deepest part of my heart. Now, I would ask you to take a moment to consider a time when you have felt deeply loved by your husband. And now just realize that serving Him in Penny gives him that level of fulfillment. I have briefly outlined some of my top reasons men enjoy Penny as much or even more than penetration as study show. But let’s talk about it. Why, why he enjoys this so much, why it matters to him and his heart. So for letter A, you are in command. Now, believe it or not performance anxiety plagues many men in the bedroom. In fact, that’s one of the biggest issues in terms of erectile dysfunction is anxiety. Believe it or not, they have scores of fears that you probably never knew about him. He worries about a size, smell appearance, whether he can perform. But when you are taking the lead through Penny, he can relax and let you take charge. Okay, so let her be visual. Men are way more visual than women. You might already know this to be true. If you’ve ever talk to your husband about what he thinks about what you’re wearing, or how you know, or more along the lines of how your body looks right. He loves your curves. Depending on your position and attire. The experience provides him with very gratifying views which are incredibly pleasing to his eyes. Let her see being served. I mean, just as we all enjoy being doted on, it is especially enjoyable for his wife to consider his likes, and to deliver accordingly. It is also a wonderful joy for you to know what makes him go wild, and bring him to a magnificent bliss all on your own. And letter D there’s no risk of pregnancy. So depending on the season of your marriage, he may enjoy this sexual activity without being worried that he’ll need to use some kind of protection. So that’s a great perk to this

17:32
flavor of intimacy. letter he it feels great many intimate options are enjoyable for him, but your mouth lips and tongue provides a variety of unique and wonderful sensations. Studies show like I said that most men actually enjoy penny more than penetration. And I think the feeling is one of those reasons. letter F it makes them feel like a king. Now this is one of my favorite parts here is that all little boys have dreams of adventure and conquest. And little boys grow into men who still desire to win on the field in the boardroom or at the poker table. And serving him in this way makes his winning meter go way up. Don’t you want to make your hubby feel like a king. Penny is the way to truly truly truly. Okay, letter G to feel wanted and to feel sexy. It shows him how much you are physically attracted to him. It shows him that you care deeply for who he is and what He desires and what makes him feel incredible. And let her Ah, you are honoring his essence. Let’s dial this down a bit. There is no thing that he is treasured more since boyhood than his penis. It is the defining feature of a man is it not? So realize this act of love touches him deeply on an emotional level. And I mentioned when my husband holds me and listens to me through tears and vulnerability, I feel loved in the deepest part of my heart. So take a moment to consider a time that you have felt deeply loved by your husband. Now realize that serving in this way gives him that level of love and fulfillment. Okay, so I want to move on the reason why I teach this subject. There is vital psychology required knowledge of his body and understandings of the stages of his arousal as well as the stages to orgasm that are vital in getting him to this incredible ecstasy. If a wife becomes wonderfully competent in this area, she has all the foundation needed for lifelong passionate intimacy. She has the ability to arrest the cycle of hurt and imbue her marriage with deeply felt affection and love for her and her husband. The rewards of serving her husband and Penny may be far greater than she can imagine. Just give your husband a chance to appreciate you for such a generous display of love for him, you may be surprised the results for yourself, for your husband and for your marriage. Well, thank you so much for tuning in. But before you dial off of this, I want to give you a very important and free gift. It’s called the four stages of his best oral orgasm, it is the key to understanding how Penny works stage by stage. Okay, so that is free for you just go to delight your marriage.com/ 53. And I’m going to have it all linked up there. Again, it’s delight your marriage.com/ 53 Thank you so much for joining me. God bless you.

20:56
Alright, thank you so much for listening. And if you haven’t yet received the four stages of his best oral orgasm, please go to delight your marriage.com/ 53. And I’m going to have that linked up. There’s actually a visual that goes along with it. Were a chart, it kind of shows you step by step. What is the stage of one of his best oral orgasms, so yeah, I’ll see you there. And thank you so much for joining in today, and I will be talking to you next week. For some more intimacy experts and wife interviews. Okay, God bless you. I love you. Thanks for tuning in. Bye bye.

21:37
Thanks for joining. If you’ve been inspired by the show, would you help spread the word? If you take a moment to review and subscribe others can find us more easily. Find out how to delight your marriage.com forward slash iTunes. Until next time, live with love, wisdom impassion