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Sex. How Much Is Enough?

 

Hi there! Belah here. Today, I’m doing a solo show and I’ll be talking about sex, as we often do. How much sex is enough? On this episode, I talk about the purpose of sex, the difference in perception of sex in men and women, and how to care for your spouse’s desires. I also share about the effects of the absence of sex in my own life due to some recent medical issues, which made me realize how sexual intimacy is a deeper, more emotional experience for our husbands.

Sign up for my upcoming FREE webinar Specifics of Amazing Peni: Master the Four Stages and the Mindset for an Amazing Experience by going to delightyourmarriage.com/webinar

Scripture/Quote:

  • “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Matthew 19:4-6
  • Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

DYM (13)

You’ll Discover:

  • What the purpose of sex is
  • How men and women perceive sex and the different emotional effects it has
  • How husbands should approach sex and their wives when it comes to sex
  • The things we should stop asking and starting saying within marriage
  • How to determine how often is enough

Books & Resources Mentioned:

wife commits to sex

Tweetables:

  • Sex is the one defining thing that separates marriage from any other relationship.
  • The purpose of sex is unification.
  • Let’s stop asking “What’s fair?”
  • When wives commit their minds to sex, their bodies engage.
  • A husband has to slow down and exhibit the fruits of the spirit. Your wife needs to have time to relax.
  • We need to be serving our spouses more.
  • Sex begets more sex.

Thanks for listening! I hope you are encouraged to live in wholehearted intimacy!

Love,

Belah

—-

Transcript:

  • Thank you so much for joining me today on the Delight Your Marriage podcast. Today we’re going to talk about sex as we often do, but we’re talking about how much sex is enough.
    • But before we dive into that I want to read an iTunes review that really encouraged me the other day
      • Lifechanging: The information that Belah presents has teh potential to change your marriage for te better and your life forever. Before you listen, pray for God to open the eyes of your understanding. My marriage is better because of this podcast. I highly recommend you go listen ASAP!!
    • Thank you so much for that iTunes review. That means so much to me.
    • Ok lets dive into the topic today. I’ll be discussing how to find out how much sex is enough for your marriage. I’ll also be talking about the difference in frequency desires between men and women generally and how to care for your spouses desires.
  • —-start—-
  • As a goal oriented person myself, I have asked the question, how much is enough?
    • This question actually came up in a facebook group I manage so I thought I’d give a fuller answer here.
      • By the way if you’d like to be part of a private online community supporting other wives towards wholehearted intimacy you can join us at delightyourmarriage.com/family
  • I’d like to start off with the purpose of sex first of all
    • when we talk about sex in our culture the purpose is pleasure, getting your own needs met
    • well in Christian circles sometimes the dialogue surrounds serving and giving the other person what she or –most often–he needs
    • but neither are a Biblical view of sex
      • when Jesus talks about sex in Matthew 19:4-6
        • ‘Haven’t you read,’ he replied, ‘that at the beginning the Creator “made them male and female,”[a] 5 and said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh”[b]? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.’
        • I find it so interesting that Jesus said the reason God made them different sexes was so that they could become one flesh
          • and we know he’s talking at least mostly talking about sex because when he says later in the passage the only thing that could break apart this markedly unique union would be sexual infidelity…
          • sex is the one thing that sets apart your marriage from every other relationship; it is the one defining thing that Jesus says unifies you
  • So within the context of unification, there are some differences between men and women
    • in fact the the highest priority desires of you and your husband are different in marriage
    • if you think of all the things you need to feel fulfilled in your marriage and then dumb those down to the 2 most important I would guess that you
      • 1-desire to feel cherished
      • 2-desire to be helped by a happy mate, around the house or outside of it
    • And if I asked your husband to dumb down all of his desires to the two highest priority for him to feel fulfilled in a marriage, I bet he’d say
      • 1-desire to feel respected
      • 2-desire to receive sexual fulfillment with an engaged, happy wife
    • when both sides feel fulfilled in their highest desires they want to fill up their spouse
  • These are obviously different and I think God made us this way on purpose
    • These next comments are for the husbands:
    • for a husband to receive his highest desires he has to woo his wife and she has particular things that will make her feel sexually aroused
      • so for a husband to woo her, he has to slow down and exhibit fruits of the spirit: kindness, patience, goodness, gentleness
      • For those husbands listening it would be wise to consider how you can help your wife get ready for love making
        • for her to enjoy sex, she needs to have time to be relaxed
        • for the husband he comes to the act totally aroused,
        • but for your wife, the sex act is a build up to arousal
        • for her it’s a process of teasing, gentle non-genital caresses, kisses and other foreplay that makes her build in her arousal
        • but before any of that happens she needs to feel cherished
        • show her that you care about her, listen to her, surprise her with flowers, make her feel cherished
        • before making love she needs to feel relaxed: you can help her by cleaning the kitchen, wrangling the kids and putting them to sleep while she takes a bath, or putting the laundry away while she has some time to herself to get pampered
        • when she can have that time to herself to get to a place where she can enjoy the act, it will be a much better experience for her (and will help her to enjoy the act more and more)
        • I’d like to mention is that I did a 2-part interview with J Parker on how to enjoy sex more, that was episode 64 & 65
          • that’s important (also a great listen for husbands who want to understand their wives more)
          • you are designed to enjoy sex and there are many things you can do to enjoy it more and we’ll be talking more about that on upcoming episodes
    • that was to husbands, but now I’m talking to wives
    • for a wife to receive her highest desires (to feel cherished, to recieve his help), she needs to work at meeting her husbands’ highest desires: to respect him and honor his sexual desires
  • Before I move into how much is enough, I want to just take some time to talk about what sex means to your husband
    • experts say sex is a more intimate experience for men than it is for women; for him its actually emotional
      • they argue: women get their emotional needs all over the place, chatting with a girlfriend, hugging a neighbor, laughing with the lady at the check out line; she receives emotional closeness in many different ways.
      • men don’t. they don’t really hug or let their emotions out very many ways.
      • sex is an emotional experience.
    • when your husband asks for sex he’s asking you to care about his emotional desires;
    • he’s vulnerable. more vulnerable than at any other time.
    • in our marriage, due to health reasons
      • we weren’t able to make love for a time and I asked D what he though about it. He said it was fine because he understood the reasons. But I pressed further and he meekly responded that he just feels like he can’t love me as deeply without making love to me
    • As Dr. John Gray says “a man needs sex to feel again, to feel joy, peace, love” (Mars & Venus In the Bedroom)
    • you did not marry a man who was self-sufficient. God made him that way.
    • Your husband needs your sexual love to feel fulfilled in his marriage
  • On a personal note, when my husband and I got married he was not a Christian. He was a good man but had too many questions about whether God existed. Well, my pastor told me something very wise.
    • I think a lot of Christians married to non-Christians decide it is their responsibility to be the Holy Spirit to their non-Christian spouse. Sometimes even couples that are both Christians take this approach. But truly, it couldn’t be further from the truth.
    • My pastor told me “Being a Christian should be the best thing that happened to your marriage”.
    • I worked hard to honor that wisdom in my marriage. And by God’s grace, my husband was baptized 10 months after we were married.
    • Women, we yield so much power in our relationship. Think of the giants of faith in the Bible:
      • David who went away from God’s laws because of Bathsheba;
      • Sampson who went away from God’s promises to his mother and revealed the source of his strength because of Delilah; and
      • the wisest of all, King Solomon went away from God because he followed the gods of his wives.
    • this can teach us how important the seductive power of a woman in a marriage is and it also reveals how incredibly important sex is to our husbands
  • So, how much sex is enough? Let me first suggest we stop saying somethings and start saying somethings
    • first let’s stop asking what’s fair
      • if you’re not doing enough for me, I won’t do this for you
      • sure if things are terribly lopsided, honest, loving conversations should be had
      • but wait on God for that, you may see a different person when you are generous in the ways they desire in marriage
    • lets stop saying things like “well if he’s good, then we’ll have sex” or “maybe he’ll get lucky”
      • these words are underlying a cool indifference to your husband’s vital desire; I’m sure you wouldn’t feel ok if he said “I’ll spend time listening to her, if she serves me in the bedroom”; can you imagine? Its important to realize that your desires are not higher than his and his are not higher then yours, but his deserve respect and appreciate just as yours do
    • lets START asking how can I love more?
    • as a reminder…
      • Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Cor 13
  • there are certain things in life that I think are my responsibility: recycling, voting, being kind to the check out clerk
    • but there are very few things in life that I know God considers my responsibility
      • but when I stood before the important people in my life, the pastor and almighty God, wearing my white dress, holding my beloved’s hand, looking into his eyes, I promised to love this man and I so intend to and I believe this is my responsibility before God
    • now that you know what makes your spouse feel most loved, my question to you is how can you love them more?
  • Here’s how to determine how often is enough
    • 1-open conversation
      • if it seems like a hard conversation to start maybe just ask him to listen to this episode to discuss later and then you can get his opinion on how important sex is to him and start the conversation that way
      • What you want to find out in the conversation is
        • how many times a week is his desire; if he could make love as many times as he’d like what would it be; get a chance to really hear him; be curious and interested; do not judge, this should be a safe space for him to express his desires
        • and then explore your own desire; and discuss how many times per week is your desire
      • One piece that is always in my mind is the fact that sex means more to him than it does to me.
        • At the point of orgasm is his greatest oxytocin release but mine (and women in general) is during foreplay, cuddling or a long hug. So I don’t experience it the same as him and I don’t crave it as much as him.
        • So I try to allow his desire to play a larger role in the equation than mine. Its not that I don’t think my drive matters, its just that he feels loved by making love and so do most men. I feel more loved through the other things he does for me AS A RESULT of his feeling fulfilled. 
    • SO, then together you can come up with an ideal, for example maybe it’s every other day
      • some days you’ll hit it, some days you’ll miss but you’ll remember that’s your ideal and try to come back to it
    • the other very important reason having an ideal you’re trying to hit is because
      • when wives commit in their heads to sex, their body starts to engage; it doesn’t always and maybe not even usually happen that your body goes first (like your husband)
      • I encourage my coaching clients to initiate more because it actually gets your mind engaged and then your body can start to get excited, and get ready for making love
        • as a note to men: if she starts, I’d encourage you to still begin with foreplay, that means: non-genital teasings, touchings and carresses before moving to intercourse. this will help her fully enjoy even if she intiates
      • and for the wife, if you’re starting to feel pressured, set your intentions to make love, but start by just cuddling and once you get some of those oxytocin chemicals flowing you may just feel more interested in the act
  • Also, I want to mention that we women want sex to be perfect; we want to look perfect, we want the house to be tidy, we want to foreplay for 17.5 minutes before going onto passionate kissing before moving onto the main course…and on and on to utter perfection
    • but you know what your husband wants? he wants to look at your wonderful body, enjoy the experience as is, and have a fantastic orgasmic release. So, I know perfect sex is better for us and some nights you’ll be able to enjoy perfect sex,
      • but you know, some nights you just need to fulfill him and go to sleep
    • and there are some great options, specifically peni which the way I teach it, can be done when you’re really tired and even with little effort but great love. peni is when a wife lovingly and delightedly brings her husband to orgasm using her hand mouth.
      • I have a free webinar on the subject coming up called Specifics of Amazing Peni: master the 4 stages and mindset for an amazing experience
        • I did this webinar before and got wonderful feedback: someone said that intimacy was different the very next night; a seasoned wife said “even I learned something and I’m celebrating my 44th anniversary next month”.
        • It’s an awesome webinar, it’s happening in one week: Wednesday November 4 and if you can’t make it still sign up so you can have access to the replay
  • But just to finish up my topic
    • There was an article in the Wallstreet Journal about a couple who weren’t having sex and here’s what the husband said
    • “For me to feel good about myself, I needed her to have sex with me,” he says. “Otherwise I thought she didn’t love me.”
    • Justin Lehmiller, a Harvard University social psychologist who studies sexuality. Taking away sex “takes away their primary emotional outlet.”
    • “A study published in the May issue of Social Psychological and Personality Science looked at sexual desire in long-term relationships and concluded that people are better able to sustain desire when they are motivated to meet their partner’s sexual needs, even when these needs conflict with their own preferences.”
      • they followed couples who had been in long term relationships and found that those couples who engaged in sex because they knew their partner’s desire actually began to desire their partner more and their relationship was happier versus the couples who only engaged to meet their own desire, their desire went down and so did the vitality of the relationship
  • just by being willing to meet your spouse’s desire increases your desire as well
    • many experts say: sex begets more sex; and more desire too
  • SO, In answer to the question how much sex is enough, I’d respond: it depends for your marriage and the two people’s sex drives, but generally: a lot
  • In fact, lets transform the stereotype that once you get married, sex stops
    • lets instead be the wives who make it popular to get married because the love-making just gets better and better
  • sex is an activity to unify your marriage
    • the purpose is not just to fulfill his desires, but yours too
    • both of you can make this activity better and better for each other
    • but oneness is the end result because a unified couple can do more for the kingdom of God and that’s why Jesus said “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh”[b]? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh”.
  • if you have a question and would like me to answer it, email me.
  • —
  • Thank you so much for listening to this podcast episode. If you like this format let me know. You can email me at belah@delightyourmarriage.com and you can share questions you have

—-

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Transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah. Rose.

0:18
Hi, there. This is belah rose. And thank you so much for joining me today on the delight your marriage Podcast. Today we’re going to talk about sex as we often do. But we’re going to talk about how much is enough. Before we dive into that, I want to read you an iTunes review that really encouraged me the other day. It says, life changing the information that Bella presents has the potential to change your marriage for the better, and your life forever. Before you listen, pray for God to open the eyes of your understanding. My marriage is better because of this podcast, I highly recommend you go listen as soon as possible. And with two exclamation points. So thank you so much. That was an awesome iTunes review, it means it means so much to me. It really does. So thank you. Okay, well, let’s go ahead and dive into today’s topic. I’ll be discussing how to find out how much sex is enough for your marriage. Also be talking about the difference in frequency and desires between men and women, and how to care for your spouse’s desires. So let’s go ahead and get started.

1:35
Okay, well, to dive in, I am a goal oriented person myself. And if you are to, you probably have asked the question, how much is enough? Or maybe that has just crossed your mind? Because you’re trying to make sure that your marriage is healthy? And and what is the right amount here? So this question actually came up in one of the Facebook groups I manage. And so I thought I’d give a bigger answer here. And by the way, if you would like to join our private online community, supporting other wives towards wholehearted intimacy, you can do that by going to delight your marriage.com/family. And you can join us there. But um, so I’d like to start off with the purpose of sex. First of all, I mean, what is the purpose of this thing we call sex.

2:23
So when we talk about sex in our culture, the purpose is, of course, pleasure, getting your own needs met. That’s the whole point. But really, in terms of the Bible, that’s not exactly the picture that we see here. I mean, Jesus himself talks about sex in a very particular way. In Matthew 19, four through six, he says, well, so people are coming to him and asking him what to do about divorce. And he says, haven’t you read? He replied, that at the beginning, the Creator made them male and female, and said, For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate. So I find it so interesting that Jesus said, the reason God made them different sexes was so they could become one flesh. And we know that he’s talking at least mostly about sex, because when he says later in the passage, that the only reason to break apart a markedly unique union would be sexual infidelity. So sex is the one thing that separates marriage from any other relationship. It is the one defining thing that Jesus says unifies you. And so, within that context, we are talking about the purpose of sex is unification, it is becoming one flesh, it is unifying you two. And so within that context, there are some differences between men and women. In fact, the highest priority desires of you and your husband, are different in marriage. So if you think of all the things you need to feel fulfilled in your marriage, and then you dumb those down to the two most important, this is what I would guess, for wives number one, a desire to feel cherished. And number two, a desire to feel to be helped by a happy mate around the house or outside of it. And if I asked a husband to dumb down all of his desires to the two highest priority for him to feel fulfilled in his marriage, I bet he would say, number one, a desire to feel respected. And number two, a desire to receive sexual fulfillment with an engaged happy wife. So when both sides feel fulfilled, and their highest desires, they want to fill up their spouse. So these are obviously different. And I think God made us this way on purpose. These next comments are for husbands. But for a husband to receive his highest desire, he has to woo his wife, and she has particular things that will make her feel sexually aroused. So for a husband to woo her, he has to number one, slow down and exhibit the fruits of the Spirit, kindness, patience, goodness, gentleness. And for those husbands listening, it would be wise to consider how you can help your wife get ready for lovemaking. For her to enjoy sex, she needs to have time to relax. For the husband, he comes to the act totally roused, but for the wife, the act is a build up to arousal. So for her it’s a process of teasing, gentle non genital caresses, kissing and other foreplay that makes her build in that arousal. But before any of that happens, she needs to feel cherished. I mean, show her that you care. Listen, to her surprise her with flowers make her feel cherished. Before making love, she needs to feel relaxed. So you can also help her by cleaning the kitchen, or wrangling the kids and putting them to sleep while she takes a bath. Or putting the laundry away while she has some time to herself to get pampered. When she can have that time to herself to get to a place where she can enjoy the act, it will be much better experience for her and will help her to enjoy the act more. I’d also like to mention that I did do a two part interview with Jay Parker on how to enjoy sex more for the wife. And that’s episode 64 and 65. And that’s important. It’s also a great listen for husbands who want to understand their wives more, just a little FYI. But it’s important because you are designed to enjoy sex, and there are many things you can do to enjoy it more. And we’ll be talking about more on that in upcoming episodes. But that was just kind of a note to husbands, to peek into the understanding of your wives so that you can feel fulfilled that much more.

7:22
But for a wife to receive her highest desires to feel cherished to receive his help, she needs to work and meeting his highest desires to respect him and to honor his sexual desires. Before I move into how much is enough, I want to just take some time to talk about what sex means to your husband. Experts say sex is a more intimate experience for men than it is for women. For him, it’s actually emotional. So sex experts argue that women get their emotional needs all over the place, chatting with a girlfriend hugging a neighbor laughing with the lady at the checkout line. I mean, she receives emotional closeness in many different ways. But men don’t, they don’t really hug or let their emotions out in many different ways. Sex is an emotional experience for him. And when your husband asks for sex, he’s asking you to care about his emotional needs. He’s vulnerable, more vulnerable than at any other time. So in our marriage, due to health reasons, we weren’t able to make love for a time. And I asked Dee what he thought about this. And he said it was fine, because he understood the reasons but I pressed him further. And he meekly responded that he just feels like he can’t love me as deeply without making love to me. And I was powerful, because I think we hear our husbands say things like that. And it’s just a reminder of how important this is. Dr. John Gray, the author of Mars and Venus in the bedroom. He says a man needs sex to feel again, to feel joy, peace, love. So you did not marry a man who is self sufficient. And God made him this way, that he couldn’t be self sufficient without your sexual love being fulfilled in marriage. On a personal note, when my husband and I got married, he was not a Christian. He was a good man. But he had too many questions about whether God existed. Well, my pastor told me something very wise. And I think a lot of Christians married to non Christians decide it’s their responsibility to be the Holy Spirit to their non Christian spouse. I mean, sometimes couples that are both Christians take this approach, and they don’t even mean to but they start saying, well, you should be doing this and you’re not doing that for me and, and this is what the Bible says. And we just start you know, yelling at each other about, about what God says for us to be Doing for each other and, and then this is couldn’t be further from what we’re supposed to be doing in our marriages. And my pastor told me this, he said, being a Christian should be the best thing that ever happened to your marriage. And I must say, I worked hard to honor that wisdom in my marriage. And by God’s grace, my husband was baptized 10 months after we were married. And I just I mean, I have to praise God for it. But I do think that women yield so much power in a relationship. I mean, think of the giants in the faith in the Bible. Think of David he went away from God’s laws. And one the David who was after God’s own heart, that David went away from God’s own laws because of a woman Bathsheba. Right, he also murdered a man because of her. Or what about Samson, who went away from God’s promises away from his mother’s instruction and revealed the the source of his strength because of the lady Delilah. Or lastly, the wisest of all King Solomon, he went away from God himself, because he followed the gods of his wives. I mean, this can teach us how important the seductive power of a woman in a marriage is. But it also reveals how incredibly important sex is to our husbands. So how much sex is enough? Well, let me first suggest that we stopped saying some things and start saying some things. So first, let’s stop asking what’s fair. If you’re doing enough for me, I’ll do this for you. Sure, if things are terribly lopsided, you know, maybe one spouse is doing everything. Honest, loving conversation should be had, I don’t know particularly what’s happening in your marriage. But generally speaking. Generally speaking, I would say that we need to be serving our spouses more. And if you do feel like your marriage is lopsided, I would say wait on God for that, you may see a different person when you are generous in the ways that he desires in marriage, or she desires in marriage.

12:22
So that’s the first thing. Let’s stop saying what’s fair. Second thing is let’s stop saying things like, Well, if he’s good, then we’ll have sex. Or maybe he’ll get lucky. These words are underlying a cool indifference to your husband’s vital desire. And I’m sure you wouldn’t feel okay if he said, I’ll spend time listening to her if she serves me in the bedroom. Right? That would be horrific. Can you imagine him saying such a thing? Because you know that your desires are important and vital, and he should be meeting those desires. It’s important to realize that your desires are not higher than his and his or not higher than yours, but his deserve respect and appreciation just as yours do. And then let’s start saying some things. Let’s start asking how can I love him or her more. So as a reminder, what is love, love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. That’s First Corinthians 13 verse four through seven. I mean, there are certain things in life that I think are my responsibility. I think recycling, voting, being kind to the checkout clerk. I mean, those are things that are pretty much my responsibility, I assume. But there are very few things in life that I know God considers my responsibility. But when I stood before the most important people in my life, the pastor and Almighty God, wearing my white dress holding my beloved’s hands, looking into his eyes, I promise to love this man. And I so intend to, and I believe this is my responsibility before God. So if you’re a husband listening to this, the same thing with your wife, that this is before God, we’re not talking about anything less than before God loving our son spouse. And now that you know what makes your spouse most loved, my question to you is how can you love them more? Here’s to determine how often is enough. Okay, to really determine how often is enough sex in your marriage? Let’s really talk practicalities. Number one is, first of all an open conversation. And it seems hard to have a conversation about this. Let’s start by just having him or her listen to this episode and discuss later what you can get their opinion on how much sex is important. How much sorry, how important sex is to him, and start the conversation that way. What you want to find out in this conversation is how many times a week is his desire? If he could make love as many times as he’d like, what would it be, and get a chance to really hear him be curious and interested Do not judge, this should be a safe place for him to express his full desires, and no eye rolling and no concern that this is what it’s going to be. It’s just understanding his desire, really getting a sense of what it means to him. And then explore your own desire number to explore your own desire and discuss how many times per week is your desire? What, what would you like? Now, one piece that is always in my mind, just to interject here, before I go into my next point, is that sex means more to him than it does to me. Generally, I’m a one to two times a week, girl, but I know my husband is you know, everyday kind of guy. And so I think about sex in a different way that his desire is stronger than mine. But also, he enjoys sex in a different degree than I do.

17:02
So at the point of orgasm is his greatest oxytocin release. But mine, and women in general is during foreplay, or cuddling or a long hug. So I don’t experience sex in the same way that he does. And I don’t crave it as much as he does. So I try to allow his desire to play a larger role in the equation than mine. It’s one. It’s not that I don’t think my drive matters, it certainly does. It’s just that he feels loved by making love. And so to most men, I feel more loved through the other things that he does for me as a result of his feeling fulfilled in this way. So a number three, the third point to do is together as you come up with your ideal, for example, maybe his is a certain frequency, and yours is a certain certain frequency. So you decide together, what would be that perfect ideal in a perfect week. And so maybe it’s other every other day, for example. So some days, you’ll hit it right on, you’ll be every other day, and some days, you’ll miss it. But you’ll remember that that’s your ideal, and you’ll try to come back to it. Now, a really important reason for having an ideal is because when wives commit in their heads to sex, their body starts to engage. It doesn’t always, and maybe not even usually happen, that her body goes first. So like your husband, he’s turned on like a light switch, and you’re not necessarily at all. The thing is, if you commit in your head to get there first your body starts to engage. I encourage my coaching clients to initiate more, because it actually gets your mind engaged, and then your body can start to get excited and start to get ready for making love. And as a note to men, if she starts I would encourage you to still begin with foreplay. That means non genital teasing touchings and caressing before moving to intercourse. This will help her fully enjoy, even if she’s the one that initiates but for the wife, if you’re starting, or if you’re starting to feel a little pressure, and you’re planning on initiating, but you’re feeling pressured, set your intentions to make love, but just start by cuddling and just just relieve that anxiety and that pressure and just start by touching and cuddling and maybe kissing. And once you get some of those oxytocin chemicals, you may be surprised that you start getting more and more interested in the act. So let’s just relieve that pressure there. Also, I want to mention that when women want sex to be perfect, a lot of times we look we want it to look perfect. We want the house to be tidy. We want everyone to have bathed we want foreplay for 17.5 minutes before going on to passionate kissing before moving on to the main course and on and on to utter perfection, and a beautiful orgasm and, and whatever else. But I just want to mention though that perfection sounds beautiful and, and really nice. And sometimes you’ll be able to have that what your husband wants is very different. He wants to look at your wonderful body and enjoy the experience as it is. And to have a fantastic orgasmic release. And that’s it. So I know perfect sex is better for us as women, some nights, you’ll just be able to enjoy some some regular sex and it won’t have to be utter perfection. But

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there are some great options if if you need to just fulfill his desire before you go to sleep for example. And and perfect sex isn’t isn’t in the cards that night, maybe you’re too tired or whatever else. There are some great options, specifically Penny which the way I teach it can be done when you’re really tired and even with very little effort, but great love. And Penny is of course when a wife lovingly and delightedly brings her husband to orgasm using her hand and mouth. And I actually have a free webinar on the subject coming up called specifics of amazing Penny, master the four stages and the mindset for an amazing experience. So I did this webinar before. And I got wonderful feedback. Someone said that intimacy was different the very next night. And as soon as season wife said, even I learned something and I’m celebrating my 44th anniversary next month. So it’s an awesome webinar. It’s happening in just one week, Wednesday, November 4 at 8pm. Eastern Standard Time. And and go ahead and sign up for that you can go to delight your marriage.com/webinar. And I think it’ll be awesome. Would love to have you there live. Wednesday, November 4, go ahead and sign up delight your marriage.com and slash webinar. Okay, but just to finish up my topic, there was an article in the Wall Street Journal about a couple who weren’t having sex and where the husband said, for me to feel good about myself, I need her to have sex with me. He says otherwise, I thought she didn’t love me. And I think this is so common for husbands and our wives, we just don’t get it. We just don’t understand what it really means. Just in line molar. A Harvard University social psychologist who studies sexuality, said taking away sex takes away their primal sorry, their primary emotional outlet. And then there was a studies published in the May issue of social, psychological and personality science. And it looked at sexual desire in terms in a long terms, relationships, and concluded that people are better able to sustain desire when they’re motivated to meet their partner’s sexual needs, even when those needs conflict with their own preferences. So basically, they followed cup couples around who were in long term relationships and found out that those couples who engaged in sex because they knew their partner desired, it actually began to desire their partner more and their relationship was happier, versus the couples who only engaged to meet their own needs are their own desires, and their desire went down. And so to the vitality of the relationship, so pretty cool. It just is basically saying being willing to meet your spouse’s desire increases your desire as well. And many experts say sex begets more sex, and more desire to. So in answer to the question how much sex is enough, I would respond, it depends for you and your marriage and the two people sex drives, but generally, a lot. In fact, let’s transform the stereotype that once you get married, sex stops, let’s instead be the wives who make it popular to get married because the lovemaking just gets better and better. I mean, sex is an activity. Again, to unify your marriage the purpose is not just to fulfill his desires, but also to fulfill your own. But both of you fulfilling each other’s desires is to unify each other. And both of you can make this activity better and better for each other as you continue to love and serve each other. But oneness is the end result. Because a unified couple can do more for the kingdom of God. And that’s why Jesus said For this reason, A man will leave his father and mother and be unified to his wife and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. So that is ultimately the purpose there. And I do believe that if you are willing to have the conversation and really go there with your spouse and start to make love more often and enjoy it more, and and allow your spouse to enjoy it more, I think it can just be more and more a unifying experience and again, doing more for the kingdom of God than you would ever imagine possible.

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Okay, well, thank you so much for listening, I really appreciate your attention. And if this is a format that you enjoyed me answering a question or a topic, I would love to hear from you go to belah at delight your marriage.com. That’s my email, and you can let me know what you think. And of course, the best way to send your feedback is to go to an iTunes review, that would be the most helpful. But yeah, thank you so much. God bless you. And I’ll talk to you on the other side. It truly is the reason that we are making love is a unification. Yes, it’s pleasurable, yes, it’s to love our spouse, but God made it for unifying purposes. And so I hope that today that you were encouraged and inspired to do more in that area of your life and in your relationship, because I think God wants to use it in a really beautiful, powerful way. So I just want to encourage you in that now I have this webinar specifics of amazing Penny. And it’s really an opportunity to learn how to love your spouse, well, how to love your husband. Well. And I talked about the four stages specifically. And I talk about the mindset necessary to have amazing experience every time. So please join me delight your marriage.com/webinar again, it’s an opportunity to learn to love your spouse well, and I I’ve just been so blessed by all the feedback I’ve received about these webinars that I’ve done. And I think it’s a great opportunity to eat for you to be there. So be there live delight your marriage.com/webinar Okay, God bless you. Thank you so much for joining me today. And I will be talking to you live soon. Okay, God bless. Bye.

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Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion.

 

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