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In this episode, I interview Carrie Gordon of TheIntimateCouple.com. She grew up without any education about sex. She didn’t know what an orgasm was until she was married. She shares how she moved past these struggles and how to teach your kids the right way about sex. Maybe she wouldn’t have had difficulty with orgasm had she been taught the right way.
Scripture/Quote:
Proverbs 19:11 A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.
A happy marriage is a union of two good forgivers. -Ruth Bell Graham
marriage advice
You’ll Discover:
- The challenge Carrie had in the beginning of her marriage.
- That sex was never something she was taught as a child.
- How her marriage started out unfulfilling for her in the bedroom.
- How Carrie began to understand that sex was a need for her husband.
- How things changed in her marital intimacy into a beautiful intimacy now.
- How to talk to your kids about sex using words like “special”, “beautiful”, “God’s design”
talk to kids about sex
Resources Mentioned:
His Needs, Her Needs; Building an Affair-Proof Marriage- Intended For Pleasure; Sex Technique and Sexual Fulfillment in Christian Marriage
- Covenant Eyes internet filter. I’d so appreciate it if you click here for my (affiliate) link to Covenant Eyes.
- Valiant Man – course on sexual integrity for young men: http://www.lifekeysonline.org/
valiant-man
Tweetables:
Use words like “special”, “God’s design” & “beautiful” to talk to your kids about sex
The fact that we have a solid marriage has been such an example for our kids
When your relationship is good, you can take on the world.
When I think of my marriage of 32 years, I feel cherished.
Don’t forget, sex is love making with your best friend and lover.
Transcript
0:00
delight your marriage episode 10.
0:03
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast, the show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah rose.
0:21
Hey, hey, how are you? I wish I could hear you respond. But unfortunately, I’m just looking into a microphone right now. But this is belah rose, and I’m so glad that you’re here. Today, I have got a really great interview. It’s the first half of Carrie from the intimate couples calm. And she really shares about how difficult it was for her to achieve orgasm for the first time. I mean, that is such a common story, my goodness, isn’t that my that’s my story. That’s so many women story. In fact, there’s a large percentage of women that even now, Christian or non Christian, do not orgasm. And so Carrie gives some really great tips not only from her own life of how she was able to work through that, but also she shares about how she’s able to present sex in such a positive light for our own kids. Because if you think about it, a lot of our hangups with sex, honestly started from our parents. So, you know, obviously parents, and I’m sure they’re well meaning and they just didn’t want you to explore before you were, you know, allowed to or whatever. But the issue is, we need to stop the cycle. And we need to turn it around. And so Carrie gives some really great insights about that. But also just how to get through in your mind in order to enjoy making love to the extent that you can literally achieve this wonderful physical experience. I also just want to mention that Carrie is so open and vulnerable with her heart and her experiences because she wants to help other women that have gone through similar experiences. So listen in open your own heart to her and see what God might teach you through her story.
2:15
All right, well, welcome back. delight your marriage listeners. I’m so glad you’ve joined us today. You’re in for a treat here. I have Carrie with the intimate couple. And she is going to tell us a little bit about her marriage and her marital story. So welcome, Carrie, how are you doing?
2:36
I’m doing great. And thanks, belah for inviting me to be part of this. I’m actually looking forward to it.
2:41
No, I’m so glad. And I’d love for you Carrie to go ahead and introduce yourself and your family and a little bit about your day to day life.
2:50
Sure. Okay. So I’m very happily married to my husband, Jim. We’ve been married for over 32 years. And we have a large family. We actually have nine children. And our your oldest and youngest are the girls and we have seven boys in between. So it’s quite a you know, summer for the baseball team. Or that’s a lot of people tell us. It just the oldest daughter is 30. And our youngest daughter is 15. And so it’s like every other year, we have another baby. So that’s, we feel like that’s our claim to fame, you know, a large family because that’s pretty unique these days. But I happen to be the oldest of eight children. And my husband is the youngest of seven. So we were both like grew up with big families. So it didn’t seem strange to us. But we are so blessed, and five of our sons are married. And we now have eight grandchildren, the oldest is five, and then they both younger. Last year was quite a busy year for us because in 2014, we had two of our sons get married. And we have three new grandchildren. So that was like a stellar year for us. But our family, our family actually now totals 24 you count all the laws and the grandchildren. So we are so blessed. I currently work part time as an office manager as a church and my husband is a pastor of the church. The church is probably about 700 people and we are super busy with that. And I I really do like working behind the scenes I like do the ministration stuff, which is really, actually I think our family benefited because of the fact that I liked making charts and lists. That’s my thing. And so our family fridge always had a chore chart on it. So our kids leave our kids and we try to empty dishwasher. It’s not my turn, you know they had the chart they can look at but it didn’t mean that the work always got done. It helps and with a large family and a lot of boys didn’t have to do that. But so I do enjoy ministry. My husband, Jim, he is currently the lead pastor at the church. He was a, like our church as a Christian school as well, running like 33 or four years. And Jim was the principal of the school for 20 years. So he’s very much like a teacher, by motivation, but also very much a leader. And so he has now been the lead pastor for 13 years. And I really do enjoy serving alongside him. And it’s just with a large family, and with both of us being involved in the church quite heavily, we are really, really busy. And then, inside, we actually, as you mentioned, the intimate couple, it was out in 2007. So do the math, I guess it’s about like, over seven years ago, we started a website purely as a hobby. It was grew out of a passion that was for, for couples, especially, to provide resources, just writing lots of articles. It wasn’t just targeting sexual intimacy, but we wanted that to be part of it. But it was just for intimacy in marriage. And so that’s kind of what we do our day off to try to work on that a bit. It’s fun for us.
6:23
Yeah, that’s awesome. Well, it definitely. Sounds like you’re incredibly busy. Carrie, and it sounds like you as your administrative gifting has really allowed allowed your family to even thrive in the midst of how much business I mean. Yes. You know, I’m in New York City. So there’s the the normal families, you know, 1.5 kids, probably and yeah, even to manage that is a struggle, but then a website, church and an additional eight children.
6:56
That is quite a bit in some childcare, babysitting and for our grandkids, and Jim and I are looking forward, we are leaving next week, we’re going to go to the two of us. We’re going to go to Cancun, Mexico for a little vacation. That’s gonna be fun.
7:12
That is wonderful. Just the two of you. Wow. Yeah. Would you share with us as we’re getting started with the inspiration? Would you share with us a scripture or quote that has meant a lot to you over the years or even recently? You are?
7:26
Okay, so I’ve got a scripture is from Proverbs 19, verse 11. That is something that we have tried to apply in our marriage. And it says a man’s wisdom gives him patience. It is to His glory to overlook and offense. And right align with that spell Graham, who said, a happy marriage is a union of two good forgivers. And it’s tied together, because overlooking sense is often tied to forgiveness. And I wouldn’t say that our marriage has had really serious challenges of eating forgiveness. You know, there hasn’t been unfaithfulness or you know, any, some of those things would be very difficult. But in day to day living, I’m sure you know about that. It’s easy for a husband and wife to hurt one another in a smaller way or to offend. And, you know, it could be that I’m feeling sort of slighted or ignored, or, you know, Jim’s not really paying attention to me right now the way I would want them to, I don’t feel he was really doing what he should. Well, I it’s not been difficult for for me to choose, just think the best about him. And instead of, you know, holding out a grudge against them. It just overlooked that because I mean, you can either be having grudges upon graduate upon grudges easily in a marriage. And it’s just to choose the things that best and you may be I’ve spoken something kind of unloving Lee tone or nagging is easily done. But Jim, he’s been so gracious and he might recognize it Carrie tired or I just need to give her a helping hand. She’s she’s feeling pressure right now. But you know, just try to be understanding and overlook the offense. And it really is, in a very many ways, just forgiving one another. And I’m not saying you never talk about things and address issues that you need to someone thought understanding the other like, if that’s good, you don’t it’s not like putting things under the carpet. But it’s I think that patience and forgiveness tied together. So I’ve been very I don’t know, I wouldn’t even say it’s an earmark of our relationship. But if I think about successful with 32 years I really cannot think of something that really irks me about gym, or an LGBT. Like, I feel cherished. That’s what when I think of what my husband is like, I feel that he cherishes me. I don’t think about oh, yeah, he annoys me about this, or, or I, you know, 15 years ago, she said that, like, I can’t remember those. That is so I feel like given given us such a solid marriage. Yeah, so that’s a bit of inspirational bear sleeve.
10:37
I love it. It’s just so true, you know, and it’s just such golden advice to really overlook and offense. You know, in the midst of 32 years, however, I’m sure there’s been ups and downs, and all arounds and struggles and they’re in there. And I’d love for you to tell us a little bit about us a season or a struggle that your marriage went through and how you overcame that.
11:02
For, for me, the area of sexual intimacy has not been really easy. I’m on typical two, I think, a lot of women, and that I find it challenging to come to orgasm myself. It’s not that I’m not in the like, there are women who are not experienced before we get women who will write into our website and want advice about that. And and we don’t like we’re not sexual therapists or anything like that. But when I looked back, I realized that as I grew up, the culture of our family was, we didn’t talk about that. It wasn’t like it was taboo. And, and maybe there are other women that can relate to that. But sometimes it’s almost a danger, I think in in a Christian family that that will happen. And I think it’s damaging if you don’t like there’s a right way to talk about it. So me being the oldest of eight children. Like when I when I got married, I did not know what an orgasm was. I didn’t know that. That’s something that people experienced. And I knew that how babies were conceived. And that was about it. No conversations with my mom and no girlfriend talks or anything. And I and we didn’t like know, when we didn’t even have pre marriage classes that would talk about that. So that was maybe got me off on to not a very great cert. I also threw up where modesty was, like three personally was it was not in such a healthy way. But seem to be tied in with embarrassment, and, you know, modesty, there’s a good kind of modesty, but the the kind words gone too far that. So I think even our wedding night was a huge overcoming. I mean, I don’t have any regrets. And but I think that it wasn’t really like God’s design that it had to be so difficult for me. And so the there’s, it’s easy for us even now I can I can easily tie sex with negative kind of feelings. Or meanwhile, it’s lovemaking with my best friend and my lover. And so I’ve learned I think it was obviously we’ve got lots of children, we’ve had sex it’s not that it didn’t work at all, but it wasn’t fulfilling. And so but I’m, I’m so glad that like, Jim, he really was gracious and patience. And and then we, I can’t remember when it might have been, it’s somewhere between five and 10 years of marriage. We read the book, his interview. And it sort of opened my eyes to the fact that sexual intimacy work could be a need, and actually for my husband to do and so even then to to receive understand the that it’s important, it’s not just something that lesser or almost like negative. It’s, I mean, I knew it in my head, but to really, really change my attitudes took quite a bit of time. So things that helped me were just that my husband I were really open to talking to each other and It was, Oh, it wasn’t in like all the Perfect, great big problems, but it was what? We just want this area to be better for. So what, what do we like, and so things like eating some book. So remember the very first book, you’re well in probably 10 years married, I think called in, intended for pleasure.
15:25
And that was the, I had never even cared to look at a book about sex or anything, like growing up was like, you don’t look at stuff like that. But it was. So I still remember I can, where I thought I thought on the book table at this conference, and I swear by this, if we’re just starting to talk, we try to learn a bit and start trying things. And I know, for me, like, initiating sex has been a really important thing for me to do. And it’s like, our sex is so great. And like God has certainly helped us along the way. And I know my husband, she feels really, really happy. How we’ve moved in that area. So it but it was, it was almost like, I wouldn’t say it was so difficult for me, it’s probably more difficult for my husband, because he didn’t want to put pressure on me. But I wasn’t understanding that this is like a gift for a married couple to enjoy the blood, we have a very healthy sexual relationship. Now. That’s all good.
16:44
That is just so valuable to share. And I just really appreciate it because there are so many of our listeners, as well as myself that really have had very similar stories. And I’m, I’m interested in how well first off when you talked about, there’s a right way of talking about sex and in the family that you grew up in, it was really talked about or not talked about at all. And so as a mother of so many, and you know, there are definitely mothers that are listening, how would you suggest they talk about sex with their kids?
17:20
Well, in our family, we’ve had it but I get to talk to our daughters. And we tied it in with the girls to not be surprised when they have their period for the first time. But kind of tying it with that we we happen to pick up a resource somewhere that was kind of easy. Follow up book is like a children’s level. I we made it that it was like a special time where it was private, no embarrassment. And if I remember, it was like really special for both of my daughters now. 30. And my 15 year old. Were probably like around eight 910 In that age. But I think the two conversations were different, because times have changed. With my daughter’s 15 I remember talking to her about things like you know, inappropriate touching, and but, like, aren’t wanting her to know that, you know, there’s evil out there too, but like not in a fearful way. But still, whenever there’s anything uncomfortable. And so I’m really glad that both of my daughters have been open with me, and they feel comfortable. It’s almost like you’re, you’re setting the ground instead of other people starting to put influence and thoughts and before the girls even thought or knew anything like this was something that you don’t know, but let me tell you about it. And it’s it’s really special and really taught using words like special and God’s design and how beautiful are but there it I know it took several hours and maybe I think we had a because we couldn’t do it all in one session. He said a little code word was Shall we go and have some hot chocolate and then if I said that to my daughter she knew there was like yeah, let’s go and have to keep reading that book or we keep to the talk and but it was like good to talk about any any kind of issues that are related to sex or negative things too that we talked about but really emphasizing buys gift.
19:54
I love that Carrie because it just gives just such a good framework for Your daughter’s to then learn about sex and grew in that it’s this is the proper context that it’s special that it’s God’s design in marriage. I mean, it’s just wonderful that, as you said, you were able to set the framework versus maybe Google setting it or their friends are, you know, crude jokes at school or something like that.
20:23
For my, for my husband, he would take out the boys and sometimes do a couple of together and so I was never there to watch. But I know that it is such like the the, because right from there, we’re talking about even things like talking about masturbation, or pornography. Like before. I know it’s so healthy, not saying that, that might sound I’ve never had issues of any kind, but they are totally open with your father. Um, even to me somewhat, that it’s just like, I know, it’s interesting. want it all to be in such a negative context. There’s the negative aspects, but let’s talk about it with positive. It makes a difference.
21:19
Yeah, I love that so much. And I’m interested even actually, I have two sons. So okay, I’m very interested in thinking about what it is like for sons, because like you, I grew up very sheltered. And then after reading books, like his needs her needs and intended for pleasure, and those kinds, the whole understanding of, Wow, this, this is a wonderful aspect of my husband that I just had no idea about that. It’s a really godly, wonderful thing. So I’m interested in how how, um, a little bit more about that if you could about how the boys kind of processed sex as young men, because the interest is, I mean, my little boys are, at video, I’ve got a six month old, or sorry, six week old and a year and a half old. And it’s really, but their interest in their extra part is immediate, you know? How do you what happens when they get older? And?
22:39
Yeah, well, it’s keeping, keeping communication and like, there is like, especially now with internet and everything, there’s so much temptation out there. So we have these covenant eyes as a filter for accountability on all of our family computers and, or, and personal computers, and I phones or whatever, but, and we’re able to do that not as, like, oh, here, we’re gonna slap some rules on here is No, it’s because we want you to be such a godly man, and to be the, you know, really prepared for marriage for that you don’t have any kind of regret. And at the church, we’ve actually offered courses to women, I think, come out of Australia called the valiant man. And it’s so much it teaches about how the brain work, and, you know, things that cause arousal, whatever. And, but in a safe setting, like theater, just a bunch of young men or a bunch of married men, and they there is such, like, an openness that happens. And so all of our friends have gone through that. And some are now even facilitating the course. But it’s, it’s quite easy in that it’s just pop in a DVD and listen to the teachers that are doing the training. But like, just kind of challenging our son to not just be, you know, that we throw up and see. Not healthy, but to really be leaders that God wants them to be. So there’s no, of course, not like, I don’t want to get the picture. But you know, our family is all perfect and we never had any kind of sin or anything like that. But it’s constantly communication going on, and it’s going in the right direction. And I was really glad add that as a VA. I’ll be around 910 years old. Her father was having conversation with them. And yeah, so I feel like we’re really reaching some good fruit from that, because they’re becoming young men and fathers themselves. Which is, I know that when I think about the, our marriage and what, what kind of positive things it’s produced. The fact that we’ve got a solid marriage is been such an example for our kids. And they, what I love is when our marriage kids will tell there are married kids story will tell their friends who maybe are struggling in the area of relationship. My opinion, so website, you should see some articles. They’re there, they’re not embarrassed at all, by our website, they, you know, they’re telling other people about it, but it could be so different. And I’m, I think just the openness we’ve had as, as our kids are growing up, and know that we’re for private about, you know, Gemini for our relationship, we’re not like, doing anything that belongs in privacy, it happens privately. But as far as conversation at appropriate times, or before any of our kids got married, or they knew that they could ask us questions, and it’s so such a blessing to be able to invest in your children that way. Yeah. Awesome.
26:46
That’s incredible. Carrie, and I’d love to move on to. Sure. A little bit more about what maybe habits or guidance kind of practical guidance, could you give a wife struggling in the same area of intimacy?
27:01
Yeah. I, I think education with your husband like, and sometimes it’s hard to just even, like, start talking like, what, what should we talk about what sex and about, you know, feeling fulfilled? And then that can be hard to just know, what what do we start with? So I think finding a book, finding a website, reading an article together, and then start saying, Okay, what do we take away from this? So what, what do you think still, in this article, like, it’s even worse, that’s just a springboard to conversation. But if, and I think also, too, when you’re talking with your husband, don’t think of this as a problem or an issue, but as though it’s your own problem. Or, that’s his problem. This is something that you both are going to say that you’re on the same side of it. Like if it’s sort of like out in front of you, that whatever aspect of like, for me, it was just trying to get over the negative connotations that seemed to be in my head. It was oh, sex, it’s kind of dirty, or, you know, not really fulfilling, like, all of that, I’m sure. Was preventing me from having orgasms, I mean, pretty hard to when you’ve got negative feelings, it’s going to impact how your body responds. So I, because I think like for Jim and I, we just talk about it, we didn’t find any little trick of like, you know, press this or, you know, joke that it wasn’t like, I mean, there’s some of that happening. But it wasn’t as though this was a tote, this is a clue. Nope, I could sell that now for $99. And I’ll tell you what that clue is. It’s not like that at all. It’s for it to Keishon. And for a lot of my thoughts, just changing my thinking, because it’s amazing how that impacts so for, for Gemini to slightly, both understood that I was wanting to had to learn it mostly, is the importance of sex in the marriage. And so when you start to understand that, if you prioritize it, and it’s seems like it will happen more often, and things start to work a bit better. As we’re practicing Perfect kind of thing to what’s not perfect yet? It’s much, much better. And yeah, there’s not like just one little clue but really be the thought garden, not not having them the lies or the untruth influence in improper way, what happens in our bedroom?
30:26
Yeah, I think that’s really great to hear Carrie. And I just want to sum up some of the things that you just talked about, you said that, start by reading together to make that a springboard and conversation so that that can open up communication, I think that’s a great tip for women. So if it’s not already something that you can openly talk about, maybe you can pull up an article or, you know, open a chapter that you say, well, let’s just, let’s go through this a little bit. And that might give some language to some of your feelings even. And then you mentioned, don’t think of it as your problem or his problem. It’s something that you’re working on together, and you’re working together to get it even better. I love that, because it really can seem like, well, he’s not doing what I really need him to. And it can become tension, when instead, I wonder if you would say that it’s it’s a process that God wants us to kind of get through and do together and grow in intimacy in those areas?
31:33
Oh, absolutely. I and I also have recognized in our marriage, that anything that might be like a conflict, whether it’s, like, I’m not talking about, you know, just a disagreement that was like, we’ve got over it in two minutes. But suddenly, it was a little bit tougher, more challenging to work through. It doesn’t have like, it’s not as though Well, let’s avoid that now, because that’s going to make our marriage worse, no, working the process, working through that in a healthy way. Can actually we found make you closer afterwards. Like, you learned so much about each other, and you learn to understand and learn to listen, and it doesn’t have to be like you even if there’s a struggle in in sexual intimacy for a couple. It’s don’t don’t think, Oh, well, we’re doomed. It’s not like that at all. It’s like, no, you’ve got your work cut out for you to communicate. But you’re going to come out on the other side, even better for having had to work through that.
32:46
I love that. It’s definitely been something important in my marriage as well, where it’s just, you’ve got to realize that each struggle, it’s actually probably the struggle has been there the whole time. And it’s actually been kind of separating the two of you, until you actually can kind of wrestle through it together. And I don’t mean wrestle in an arguing way. I just mean, like, this is something you both need to get your hands dirty and have some vulnerability, and it’s gonna be messy, and it’s not gonna feel good. You’re probably gonna cry. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Prepare for all those things. But yeah, I mean, really, that’s what intimacy is about is being open and baring your soul and your your personhood with this other person. I just love that. And, and just to also mention that you said, get over the negative connotations of sex, I think that’s a very important process that every especially Christian woman that maybe was raised in the church or someone that’s come out of, a lot of, you know, sexual sin like myself, I also had to get over the negative connotations, because I reckon we had to recognize the sin and recognize that, okay, that’s under the blood. That’s what Jesus was able to forgive me of, and then move into this as a holy, wonderful thing with my husband. That’s that’s ordained by God. So I think, on both sides of that the connotations, really a process a wife needs to go through. And then the last thing you mentioned was the importance of sex and marriage and to prioritize that.
34:22
Yeah, yeah, for sure. To summarize that really well for us.
34:28
Thanks, Carrie. Now we’re stopping the interview here because the second half is coming out on Thursday and I don’t want you to miss it because Carrie talks about the three reasons for her marital success and she also shares a tip about intimacy that honestly I didn’t think of much at first, but it has been a great support to our intimacy so I don’t want you to miss that because it is really good stuff. The other thing I don’t want you to miss is I’m doing a drawing in a week for the delight your husband course it helps a lot go through, or get past all of her reservations about sex intimacy, and the different flavors of sex. And specifically, I go into great detail and the actual physical responses for Pena Lingus. So if you don’t know what Pena Lingus is, I encourage you to go to delight your husband.com and find out exactly what that is because I talk about positions and techniques, and really, in depth look at what a woman needs to get past in her own mind, in order to get to a place of being able to really delight her husband. Now for the next week, if you review the podcast on iTunes, then you will be entered into a drawing to get the delight your husband course for free, the way to do it is review the podcast, then take a screenshot on either your phone or your computer, and then tweet it at delight marriage. Once again, you review the podcast on iTunes, take a screenshot and then tweet that screenshot at delight marriage. Now, the reason it’s important to take the screenshot is because iTunes for whatever reason, doesn’t post a review right away. So I want to make sure I see it right away, and that you are entered into the drawing. So just take this as your inspiration, if you think you’re gonna forget, why not do it right now, that would be amazing. And then you can tweet it to me and I will get it. Now if you don’t have Twitter, feel free, just email it at belah at delight your marriage.com. If you’re not totally sure how to do each of these steps to enter to win, just go to delight your marriage.com. And there’s a link on the right hand side right on that homepage that says enter to win. And I will have all of the details there for you very easy step by step. Thank you so much for taking the time to write a review. For me, it really encourages me. And it also makes it so that other people can see the podcast. So thank you so much for taking the time. And if you meant to review and you just haven’t yet, why not take now as the inspiration to go ahead and do it and get entered to win an amazing resource for your marriage. Thank you again. God bless you and I’m praying for you and your marriage and your walk with God. I’ll talk to you soon.
37:22
Bye. Thanks for listening. Stop by delight your marriage.com to check out all the show notes as well as many more resources and articles. Until next time, live with love, wisdom impassion