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This is Part 1 of 2. (Part 2 is here)

You may want more sex. You may want her to want you more. You may want her to care more about your drive. Maybe all of the above and a whole lot more…

Well, the biggest barrier women face is insecurity. An insecure wife can’t take off her clothes, can’t seduce, can’t enjoy physical intimacy. But isn’t that her problem? Isn’t that something she needs to go do, with the guidance of her husband? NO! Please stop pushing/teaching/correcting/criticizing… your wife on sexual things.

It is not helping it is hurting—your cause AND your wife. So today’s episode is all about getting you, dear husband, to understand

1) your wife’s mind

2) her biggest barrier to love making

3) what you can do about it

 

Why did I have to make this episode? I hear far more from husbands than I do from wives. And it’s time I gave these hurting husbands some help. Its not that they don’t care about their wives and which is why they treat them this way. Not in the least. It’s that they don’t feel loved by their wives through sex and they don’t know what to do about it. Here’s some guidance that I believe will turn things around in your marriage.

This is part 1 in a 2 part series. Second part coming out next week.

If this has blessed you, please share with a friend and leave a review on itunes—here’s how (it helps spread the show further).

 

God Bless!

Belah

PS Happy to be back after my summer break. Excited to chat every Tues morning 🙂 Subscribe to my newsletter to stay up on podcast each week!

 

 

0:00
Hey there, it’s belah. I just wanted to start by saying a note on part one and part two of encouraging your wife sexuality. I went back and listened. And I wanted to just kind of apologize, I feel like my tone may have been disrespectful to what you are going through as a husband. And I certainly think there are nuggets of of helpful advice in here. But I think my overall kind of presentation isn’t what I wish it had been. So I hope you’ll have grace with me. I give quite a lot more content context, I guess, and maybe more humility in the way I present my ideas in kind of an updated revision that I’m calling 156, slash 157. Update of encourage your wife’s sexuality. So you can find that episode on either the website or in the podcast app. Again, it’s just 156 slash 157. Just wanted to have that note, thanks for listening. And God bless. Talk to you later.

1:13
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast, this show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah. Rose.

1:29
Hi there, and welcome. This is belah rose, I’m really glad that you’re here. If this is your first time, I will let you know that we have had the summer off. So I hope that you have had a chance to really relax and enjoy the summer with your family with your loved ones had a chance to rest and rejuvenate. I really have we had a great time my husband and I and my kids and we went well, we mostly stick stuck around our house, we have a great area that we love the park and we do a rest day every week, which meant we just could relax and really enjoy what God has given us, which I think is so important in life today when we act like productivity is godliness. And it’s just not. So today, I wanted to talk about something really important. You know, I’ve done this podcast for two and a half years now. And the people that reach out to me the most are frustrated husbands. And I say frustrated. But really underneath all that anger and frustration is really, they’re hurt. They’re hurt that their wives are disinterested in sex, or that the wives are resentful, or they just won’t have sex with them won’t enjoy the act of lovemaking with their husbands. And so I’ve really hesitated to give specific advice to husbands because I am a woman. And I think it’s, you know, most appropriate for me to be speaking to wives about sexuality, because that’s where I’m coming from. And it’s easiest for me to speak on that. However, I’ve just encountered so many husbands that reach out to me in pain, and really not knowing what what direction they can go in a godly way. They don’t know how to approach this with their wives, and they’re really hitting their heads up against a wall not knowing what to do. And so I wanted to take this time to talk specifically to husbands, about how to encourage your wife and her sexuality to enjoy her body, to enjoy your touch, to enjoy your compliments, and ultimately to enjoy lovemaking with you. So that’s the aim of today’s show. And this is part one of part of a two part series, at least two parts we might do more later as we get going with the new season of the dy M show, but at least two and I am including in both very specific heart things that I think are important for you as a husband, to understand about your wife and then also things that you can do specifically to encourage your wives sexuality. And then secondly, I’m going to include in both parts very specific things you can incorporate into your sex life so that you as a husband will listen to both parts. If I included only the heart and mind stuff in first part and then second part was only physical sexual stuff, you would probably skip the first apart and I don’t want you to do that, because you will miss the most important things that I think the show has to offer. And ultimately what I think you’re missing as you approach your wife for sex. So that’s what we’re talking about today. And I’m going to go ahead and cut to to the meat of the episode. Hang on.

5:38
Alright, so if you’re listening to this, and you’re married, even if you’re preparing for marriage, I’m sure that your relationship has baggage. And we all do in the area of sex, we just have baggage, whether it’s the way we were raised, or the specific experiences that we’ve had in our marriage, maybe it’s been 20 years of resentment that’s built up. How do you soften that? How do you change that? Well, I want to just encourage you, dear husband, that you need to be patient. This problem was not created. In a few days, it was not created in a couple of weeks. This is a pattern of habits that you all have developed together, that has created possibly a monster, full of pain, resentment, hurt feelings, maybe flat out, yelling, screaming arguments. And so I want to encourage you, from the onset, when you are seeking humbly to change this, that you be patient with the process, be be patient with the process of your wife changing, just just fresh patients, I know you’re probably like, Well, I’ve been patient for 15 years, and it’s time we hurry this process up? Well, I’m going to I’m going to say that I’m going to present very new tactics, very new ideas that you may not have considered. And it is going to take a while for it to not only sink in, in terms of a perpetual habit for you, but also for your wife to even believe that you have changed in these areas. So that leads me to my second point is that I am asking you to change, you might be thinking that I’m going to give you a bunch of keys that will manipulate the situation and cause you to be the best lover and her to go wild in bed. And the point is that yes, ultimately, that is the aim. There’s certainly a part of that, that we’re going to be exploring. But these aren’t tricks. These are lifestyle changes. And that’s what God asks us to do. Right, as followers of him, it’s not fake. It’s heart changes that reflect in our actions and our behaviors. So with all that said, I want to tell you a little bit about your wife, this woman that you get to cherish and hold and love for your whole life is very complex. And she is a woman that deserves to be wooed a woman that desires intimacy, deep real intimacy, she wants to be cherished. She wants her body to be adored. She wants to be captivating to your eyes. She wants you to see her as everything, all of your fantasies. She wants to be them. She doesn’t want your heart to go anywhere else. And so I don’t know what it’s been like in your marriage right now. If you have tried try to teach her how men think. And you thought that was helpful, because you were saying, you know, a man’s mind. You know, he is attracted to curves and he likes short skirts and blah, blah, blah, and you thought that was helping her. What that was actually teaching her is that you are not interested in me. You are interested in all the other women you see. And if you think about it in her mind, she’s not thinking in this place of security, where she knows that her body is, is phenomenal and fierce and sexy. She’s thinking oh, so my husband just likes other women’s careers. Since he’s not interested in mine, so underlying that, I guess attitude, is your wife is insecure about her body.

10:15
So she wants to be captivating. She wants to be your only desire, but she’s super insecure. If he or she, even if she even could be your desire. And I bet you’re thinking, well, maybe we, when we got married, she was all my desire and all my, you know, heart, but now she’s refused me and sex and she doesn’t, you know, she’s not interested in my body and she doesn’t even touch my penis, like, how could I be, you know, captivated by her. And I get that I get that she’s hurt you by not being interested in sex. But the reason she’s hurt you is because of her insecurity. She doesn’t believe that you could love her. As much as you just love sex, like, she doesn’t equate you loving sex as you loving her, she, she equates that as you are a jerk of a man. And so you are just like those jerks that, you know, watch pornography and, you know, whistle at the lady and the short skirt that walks by and you’re just one of those jerks. And she doesn’t think that you’re a good man that, that God created you with a sex drive. And, and this is a good thing. So yeah, she might be under educated. But it’s not helpful for you to educate her. Because what that does is once again, it undermines her security, it undermines her feeling of value in her body in herself. And so yes, you are dealing with a very insecure woman, she has your wife. And so it’s your job to cause her to be secure. And yes, I understand that you’re like, well, that’s her job, she’s just got to figure out how to be secure. And maybe she needs to listen to your podcast or read your books are whatever, fine. And if she decides to do that on her own, that’s great. But if you want to be proactive, and you want something to change, then you’ve got to make some changes. And the changes you’ve got to make are to help her to be secure in her body. That’s the biggest reason women refuse sex is they don’t feel secure. They don’t feel secure on their body. They make sure the lights are out that their their pooch that goes over top of their genes that they’re horribly ashamed of, doesn’t get seen by their husband. You know, and then, as I’ve kind of alluded to already, if you mentioned that, you know, why don’t you let me see it? Or why don’t you let me see your body, you know, why can’t you, you know, be you know, willing to be in lingerie or be naked in front of me or whatever. I just make her feel worse, because she’s like, the little bit I’m doing a little bit I’m trying to show you is not good enough. You don’t like it so, so then she refuses and then resentment starts growing in her heart because cuz she’s like, well, all he wants me for is sex. He just wants me to have sex with him. She doesn’t want to just hold me or he doesn’t want to listen to my stories, or he doesn’t want to listen to my day or, and you as a husband are feeling hurt, because she doesn’t want to love you in the way that you feel loved. So let’s recap. So your wife is complex. She wants to be cherished, she wants to be desired. She wants to be the only thing that captivates you. And if that’s not happening, she feels very insecure. And every time sex is brought up, you are pouring salt on a wound, you’re making it worse. So how do you deal with insecurity? I don’t know how secure you are as a man. But if you think of when you started a job for the very first time, every little time someone talked to you, you probably your heart started racing your you know, you were just like, I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel awful. It’s just insecurity is one of the worst feelings and I think as women in our sexuality, it is absolutely what the enemy uses for us to hide from sex. I mean it just Just is horrible, horrible for us to feel insecure about our body.

15:08
The elephant in the room is probably well, let me just say this before I say that is

15:16
women are told from childhood from infancy practically that their worth is in their looks. They are told from the beginning that if they are valuable, or the only reason they are valuable is if they’re beautiful. I mean, Barbie dolls, right, she’s got absolutely perfect curves and actually inhuman curves, no human can walk around with Barbies curves, it would crush their intestines I’ve read so it actually isn’t possible to have her curves. But those are the kind of role models that your wife has had all of her life, she’s felt that supermodels, the the people, the women that people desire to be, are only worth their looks. And if you think about the oppression that women have endured for centuries, for 1000s of years, their worth ended up being about their looks, it wasn’t more than that. It was never more, it was not their brain, it was not their ability to think it was all about if they could please a man and with their looks right? And so she is in this context of of challenge, because she doesn’t want her looks to be everything. And yet, she’s always been told they are, she’s always been told, yeah, you can you can excel in school, and you can, you know, do all these other things. And you should, because, you know, feminism teaches us that those are good things to do. And I’m not, obviously I’m saying they are. But underlying that is like, as long as you look good doing it, you know, because I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but in the media’s eye, a woman can excel only so far, if she is not dropped at beautiful. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but women that have gotten far in terms of everything, everything in terms of authors, in terms of politics, in terms of pretty much every element of society, they cannot Excel, unless they’re beautiful. And that is something that your wife has to fight against is that her looks do not equal her value. Now, at the same time, right, I think like I said, the elephant in the room is that, you know, our country is facing an epidemic of, of weight of obesity and overweight and that kind of thing. And so wait, maybe part of you is like, Well, my, my wife has gained 50 pounds since we’ve been married. And, you know, I am less attracted to her then when we got married. And certainly that’s the reality for a lot of marriages. And so I’m going to, I’m going to encourage you to use these tactics, these heart changes that have to start with faith anyway. Because it turns out, the woman you married 50 pounds ago, is still the woman you pledged to stay faithful to to stay married to, to love and cherish and hold until she dies. So

18:46
50 pounds more or not. So yes, these are kind of the the backdrop of what I’m talking about.

18:56
So understand that your wife is insecure, she might act like she’s not she might act like you know, the extra jelly doughnut is not making her feel bad, or that she doesn’t feel badly about her body or guarded or any of that. But understand that it’s true. She feels insecure if she’s not ravenously fierce in the bedroom with seduction and excitement for sexuality. I would say 95% It’s stemming from insecurity. Certainly, there’s, like I said a lot of baggage. We’ll go into that on the second podcast I want to talk for another large reason that she may be reluctant. But this is the number one reason in a very well me maybe this this reason and the next reason I’m going to talk about next next time so let’s talk about how you as a husband can come back This can combat this type of tactic the enemy uses to undermine your wife’s ability to live into her sexuality, her God given desire for intimacy with you. And physical intimacy is what I’m talking about. So, the first thing is complements. So, as a husband, you may have been under the pretense that you should be teaching your wife, what a man thinks about sexuality and all of that, but please discontinue teaching your wife about sex. It’s not helping, it is actually hurting, you might think that she is a little dough. And she needs to be taught these things. But I’ll tell you, very significantly, that she’s not stupid. And she’s lived in this society long enough to know that looks matter. And that men are attracted to beautiful bodies. So don’t tell her that any more. Instead, what you can do is encourage her, encourage what she’s doing. That’s beautiful to you, that’s wonderful to you. Encourage who she is, that’s gorgeous. That’s lovely, that’s captivating to you. And you can start in very, very little details. And I’m telling you details get detailed about what you are you so enjoy her eyes. You could look into her eyes for days. It’s just gorgeous to you. You know, talk about her breasts, you know, tell her how beautiful they are to you. Talk about her thighs and how those, you know, wonderful curves turn you on. You know what, and I also want to include here, that it’s not necessarily sexual complements that she needs, especially if she doesn’t believe you think she’s beautiful. Like if if what I’m talking to you about is unusual in your marriage, then you got to start small. So start with small compliments. Don’t Don’t do the sexy stuff yet. You just need to do a foundation of you look good to me. I like the way you look. You’ve got to convince her that you like the way she looks. Because if this has not been something that you do, she doesn’t think you like her looks. And if she doesn’t think you like her looks, she doesn’t like her looks. And then it makes it worse because she doesn’t want to show you what she doesn’t like. So let’s start with teaching her. And when I say teaching her I only mean complimenting her genuine compliments. And

22:52
and when I say genuine, I mean I need you to say them in a genuine tone. And I need you to look at her sincerely, and I need you to even touch her in those areas that you love about her body. And don’t do it in a way that’s going to lead to sex. I’m going to talk about this on the next part but she needs to feel safe around you with sex and more than likely if you’re a dissatisfied husband, she doesn’t. Again, that’s brushing the surface. There’s a lot more I want to say about that next episode but try to change the pattern around how you touch her. In fact that’s a big thing that needs to change. So when you talk to her about how beautiful she is, you can do it in a way that’s not leading to sex and no matter where you are in the spectrum this needs to be increased that you are encouraging her her security and herself her security in her body. Her security in the blouse she’s wearing the outfit she’s got on the way she’s moving the way she’s walking, you know that you are checking her out as she was walking across the street or gosh how beautiful you are when you’re holding her child older. You know thinking about you at work today and your curly hair beautiful or you know she gets out of the shower and you smell her and it just is wonderful to you. There are so many things you can compliment her on. And every single time it crosses your mind Make sure she knows it. And if this is hard for you get out a pen and paper and list put the timer on your your phone and set it for five minutes. And just don’t stop writing compliments about your wife. And then hopefully by the end you’ve got a list of over 100 complements that you can just insert into daily life. You can text her them you can email her them, you can talk about it, you know especially if you’re not used to this stuff start with text messaging and start with emailing and this is something that’s got to change. And you have got to do this, this is important. She needs to trust that you like the way she looks you like the way she is, you think she’s wonderful again, you need to convince her that you are captivated by your wife. Now, part of your heart might be saying, well, I was captivated by my wife. But there’s been a few years that that captivation has kind of gone out the window. And it might be because she’s just really resisted sexual intimacy with you, there might be plenty of other things that have inhibited that captivation as well.

25:44
However, I will say that your wife is the one that you’ll be with your whole life, right? So you will never live a day without being married to your wife. That’s the whole aim of marriage, isn’t it? So this is the one person that you want to feel all those things for. You want to be captivated by her. You want her to be your every fantasy, you want her to be the one you imagine making love to every waking moment. That’s who you want your wife to be. So I encourage you to speak these things in faith. Speak them in faith, you might feel like, well, I’m lying to her. And I want to be honest, and isn’t God all about honesty and all this. You know what, I just don’t think that is productive. And I don’t think that God would be against you giving your wife flattery and compliments, and loving her well. So I’m not telling you that you need her, you need to tell her if she’s 50 pounds overweight, that, that she looks like a supermodel. But you do need to tell her that her curves are lovely, that you love the way she looks and what a great top and oh my goodness, when I touch you this way, it makes me feel so wonderful, and your hair is lovely. You can always find wonderful compliments to give your wife and speak a lot of those and faith just keep going. And see again, we’re using that list of complements, see how far you can go with your with your faith and speaking them to her. And I’ll say this has worked wonders in my own marriage. I remember, you know, when I was a few years ago, when I was just feeling like, you know, everyone else has a better marriage than me or these are just challenges. I started writing out what I loved about my husband, and I tell you what it did not take long for me to be speaking those things in faith that suddenly I didn’t notice a single person other than my husband, when I was like hanging out with single friends. And they’d be like, Oh, he’s so attractive if it was like a movie or something. And I would look at that actor and be like, he is nothing compared to my husband. And that’s just the way it will become if you if you really do this stuff in faith. So again, you want to convince her of the fact that she captivates you. And again, when I say convince her, it is not something that you are teaching her you are not explaining this stuff to her anymore. Put that on the shelf, it has not worked, you are still in a terrible spot. Do not teach her anymore. Let God do that on his own time in his own way. what your job is, is to encourage her to love her to care for her to make her feel completely loved and adored. You do not need to say Well, honey, go figure it out. Here’s a book here’s a resource. Here’s this here’s that I want you to read this I want you to become that. It’s it’s not working. It’s not helping. It’s all she thinks when you do that is all she thinks is I’m not good enough. He doesn’t. He’s not attracted to me enough. I’m not sexual enough for him. I’m not all these things and it’s the opposite of what you want her to feel. When she starts feeling more secure. She’s going to be more courageous in the bedroom. If she starts feeling more. More as though you are captivated by her then she will wear the scantily clad outfit just for your eyes because she feels like her body is wonderful to you. That’s how she will feel when you day by day. Compliment by and compliment expression of love by expression of love. She will slowly trust that you mean it. And it really is a slow process and when I talked about patients in the beginning, this is where it comes in. You’ve got to be Patient, again, it has been a long time coming, you know, this problem didn’t happen in a day, you have been potentially unintentionally hurting her for a long time. And it’s a hard thing to turn the ship around. But it’s your opportunity to completely change the way not only do you see her, but the way

30:26
the way you love her, you know, and I talk a lot about compliments, because for me, you know, that’s my primary love language is compliments and time. But I know on the podcast, if you’ve listened, there’s a thing called love languages. And so there’s five different major ways that we receive love. And each of us kind of have a primary love language, or maybe primary two love languages, and the five love languages. And I’ll just quickly tell you his time, so spending time with your spouse. The other one is physical touch, so back rubs, massages, hugs, just touches more, more so not sexual, because a love language is essentially if you had a healthy sexual life, what kind of love language would you be craving? Right? So yeah, just physical intimacy. The other one is acts of service. So doing the dishes, cleaning up around the house, doing the yard work, whatever service, you know, making her dinner, those are all things that she would feel loved with acts of service. The other one is words of affirmation. So that’s kind of what I’ve been talking about with compliments, and checks and emails and all that. And the fifth one is, let’s see, I said time, I said, Oh, the last one is gifts. So that would be obviously bringing her flowers or something special you picked up on your way home somewhere that you found that reminded you of her, you know, gifts for special occasions, or whatever. So all of these are opportunities to love her. So we’ve got time spending time with her. So maybe taking her on a date or a special picnic or something where it’s just the two of you spending time or maybe changing around your schedule, to make sure you spend time with her that will make her feel so loved and and as though once again, that you feel captivated by her you want to prioritize your time together and that will make her feel very loved physical touch. Now, this is something again, she needs to trust that you are just captivated by who she is not by what you can do what she can do for you. So this is not sexual touch, this is not touch that you want to lead to the bedroom. This is specifically non sexual touch. So this is probably like a big hug in the morning, when the last you can even count it, especially if this is unusual to you, you can hug her and count to 10 in your head. So let’s try that hug 1-234-567-8910. And then release, she will probably feel really good. You might have to you know, start with a stop at five. But big wonderful hugs from the husband is wonderful and and stop there. Like literally stopped yourself, don’t do anything else. Just show her that she is enough. Not her sexuality, not the fact that she might go for something more than that, because she has been trained that she has to know, because you need to get her to rewire her mind that if you touch her, it’s not because you want something more. It’s instead because you love her, you’re captivated by her you just desire for her to feel loved and cherished. So we talked about touch, we talked about gifts, complements, time, acts of service. So those are all things, then you can think about each of those categories. And I hope if you haven’t been taking notes yet that you’ll kind of go back to this podcast. You’ll listen to it again, and take notes because you know, I’ve thrown out quite a lot of ideas that you can start doing immediately to turn your marriage around. Now once again, this is something you need to have patience with. This is something that is not going to be immediate. But it is something that needs to happen. And I think some husbands which have written to me have said things like well, Aren’t I supposed to be honest with my wife? Isn’t she the one person I’m supposed to be honest with and and truly I’m not sure exactly. What? I’m not sure how to answer that exactly, but I just am saying that doesn’t move the ball forward. i It’s kind of like, you know, gossip, right? Let’s say something happened. And it was true. Right? It really happened.

35:19
But is it being honest? If you share that, is that godly thing? I mean, it’s going to make someone feel bad and look bad and, and all these other repercussions. But I mean, is that is that the way we’re supposed to do it? And I guess that’s what I think like everything that goes through your mind should not be given to your wife. No, there’s a lot of mess. In our mind, there’s a lot of nonsense, it’s a lot of stuff that you shouldn’t be telling your wife in the least. And this is something if you think negative things about her negative stuff about, you know, maybe this, I just need to throw this out there because it has been unfortunately, too many men thinks this is productive, that someone they find attractive, and they tell their wife about it, I’ve got to tell you, that is absolutely digging yourself a grave. You were you are absolutely destroying any amount of confidence, she hasn’t herself, any amount of desire, she thought you had for her know, whether or not you’re only attracted to your wife is beside the point. If your wife, you know, again, listen to my resources or other people’s resources, whatever, if she figures that out on her own that, you know, her husband is a man and blah, blah, blah, great. But you are not the person that needs to be teaching her that instead you need to be showing her that you love her, that you are the one that she is the one that you are faithful to in his your mind, in your heart in every way. Because the truth is you should be you should not be looking at other women, you should not be viewing pornography, you should not be thinking about your other sexual partners. No, that is not okay. That is not what you’re supposed to be doing before Jesus. But you might be and you might be struggling in those areas. And that’s okay. And that’s, you know, something you can pray through and that kind of thing. But my biggest advice is to find another man to be honest to about those things. And you guys can pray for each other, you can encourage each other, you can Bible study together. Like that is great, productive stuff. But I gotta tell you, it wasn’t too long ago that my husband, you know, just and I know very, I know, you know, men email me all the time that they say you’re in my head, it’s freaky, how much you understand what I’m going through, or whatever. But it even is takes me aback. When I like just, there’s a slight comment that that somehow indicates that he still struggles with things and women just, we just, that’s not how we’re wired. We are not wired to accept anything but everything from our husbands i. And I think that’s, you know, something that we can learn about God, you know, that God is a jealous God, you know, I think wives are wired to be jealous for their husband, that we are that he is captivated by us. Okay, so some proactive things we can specifically do that I encourage you to do in your specific bedroom. I want you to tell her, the best the things that you love about the experience with her. So I’d like to you to bring it up, maybe outside of the bedroom, just bring up some of your favorite things that you guys have done together. And, um, you know, again, you got to feel it out if it depending on where your relationship is. If sex is something you talk about, great, then you can just put this into the conversation of like, I love when you did this to me, or my favorite thing is seeing you come out of the room out of the door, and in your lingerie. And it just makes me so amazed by the woman I get to have. And those are the kinds of things that encouraged her in her beauty that really make her feel like oh, wow, he really likes the way I look. And the other thing I would encourage you to do is say things like maybe after lovemaking you say things like babe, my favorite part was XY and Z holding you there are seeing you do this or whatever. I would just encourage you there. I mean compliment after compliment after compliment. Instead of telling her I’d like it if you did this or please do that or touch me there or do this to me. Let’s shift it around because it’s much more productive. If you say things like, I really love it when you, or Gosh, that was fantastic. My favorite part was this, like, what you need to do is tell her she’s doing a good job.

40:19
And I don’t actually mean using the words Good job. I mean, things like, Oh, that was fantastic. You rock my world, baby. Those are the kinds of things that, again, teach her that she’s an excellent lover, because at the same time that she’s insecure about her beauty, she’s also just insecure about how she makes love it, you know, does she look silly? Is she doing bad things? You know, is she doing it wrong? Is it not good enough, whatever. She just needs security in that she just needs you to help her to understand that she’s enough. And she rocks your world, and you love what she does in the bedroom. And again, let me just underscore whether or not you feel 150%. But it’s true. I need you in faith to encourage your wife because that’s the only thing that’s going to encourage it to keep going. discouraging comments, criticisms, teachings, corrections, all of that makes her have resentment makes her heart hurt, you are literally hurting her. She might not say it, she might be too guarded to share her feelings. That means you got to do more work to soften her up by by trusting by No, I mean getting her to trust that you mean it. When you say I love these things about you. You’re wonderful to me. Our sex life is amazing. So if you’ve got your notebook and pen, please underline and write out in capital letters. And think about this all the time. Criticizing, teaching, correcting discouraging comments, is saying how you’d like things to be different, asking her to change, all of those things are actually undermining her confidence. They’re undermining her security, they are undermining her ability to move forward in her sexuality. With all that being said, You are a man who is obviously very proactive, because you’re listening to this podcast. I’m asking you to be patient. And I would just start the watch on your phone, put a scheduled time for him six months from now. And you can say on that time, on that schedule, you can write that appointment and say, Now start being mad about your wife sexuality. Because I don’t want you to start to being mad. Until then, I want you to give it your full force for six whole months. Don’t you let on a minute that you are anything no negative nothing. And I’ve got to tell you, by God’s grace, that you’ll be at a very different place than you were six months before that. But any resentment, any frustration, any feeling of we’re not getting there fast enough, she’s not changing fast enough. She’s still doing X, Y, and Z, you know, I just got to tell you, you are going to step set yourself back, at least from the beginning, maybe worse, because she would have started to become trusting you that you really loved her body that she, you know, could step out in being a little sillier and sex and that she could be a little more confident all that. And then suddenly, it’s it’s unrooted again, that she can’t trust that you love her. She can’t, she can’t be good enough ever for you. And so yeah, I cannot stress that enough. Like don’t, don’t go to her with your frustration. Don’t go to her with your disappointment anymore. Don’t, you know, let a husband that’s also going through that, you know, talk to them about it, say let’s pray for our wives and pray that we love our wives completely and, and that you know, they are the joy of our hearts and our lives and our bodies. Because obviously that’s what God wants for you that that your wife satisfy you. You know, it says in the Bible that your wife set the breast satisfy you and you know not to go after other women. So So yeah, I hope that this makes sense to you that you know, recognizing your wife as a complex being that desires your full attention that desires your full captivation and then thinking how can you enjoy courage that rather than discourage that, that you encourage her security, her feeling of her own beauty, her feeling of the fact that she’s captivating to you. Okay.

45:13
All right, well, listen, I want to thank you for hearing me out on this, I’m sure this is not easy to listen to as a husband, because maybe you have misunderstood her for your whole marriage. And that’s hard to hear, it’s hard to digest, it’s easier to turn this thing off in disgust and frustration and say, I thought she was going to give me real help. And, you know, I, as a side note, I think God has made husbands and wives, so very different, so that we can become like Jesus, because we’re trying to just understand and understand and live out the way our spouse is. And so I think, you know, for these next six months that you’re committing to, you’ll become more like Jesus, just by understanding and recognizing and cherishing your wife, the way that Jesus and God cherish her that you can become more like God, by cherishing your wife the way that he does. Because I want to tell you, when God looks at your wife, he is captivated. He loves that woman. He loves her. She is amazing to him. And you, dear husband, have not only the privilege, but also the responsibility to show God’s love to her. So I encourage you to live this thing out, though, you might have started listening to this podcast episode with the intention of getting your sex life on track. But who knows what God is going to do in your heart, to lead you to a place of deeper connection to him, and stronger.

47:06
Stronger likeness to who he is to be that in this world, because I think it matters more than just your bedroom. Listen, God bless you, thank you for joining. If this touched you, I encourage you to send this to a husband that may very well be in the same situation that you might want to send to his to him and maybe you guys can connect and, and pray together on this and pray for you know, others and I also encourage you again, if this has blessed you if you would also pray that others that are listening to this that they would be touched and encouraged and yeah, I’m praying. I’m praying for you, too. All right. I’ll talk to you next Tuesday. Thanks for joining. Love you.

47:54
Bye. Thanks for joining. If you’ve been inspired by this show, would you help spread the word? If you take a moment to review and subscribe others can find us more easily. Find out how to delight your marriage.com forward slash iTunes. Until next time, live with love, wisdom impassion

Transcribed by https://otter.ai