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If you’re single or married, I believe you’ll get a lot out of this episode! Though I’m specifically talking to singles, you’d be surprised what kind of insights are pertinent to you too.

• How do you fall in love?
• What should you do WAY before you ever meet someone?
• How do you make changes that you desire?
• How do you make sure you’ll be a good match for each other?
• AND how do you find this person?

Soup to nuts, here is the mindset and practical how-to strategy to truly find the love of your life–for keeps.

All this and more are covered on my solo show today. It’s just you and me, helping you get to where you want to be!

Resources:

• Falling In Love For All The Right Reasons – a book written by the brain behind eHarmony.com (an online dating website). The author is a Christian and a psychologist for 30 years so this book is all about his experience and study (though he doesn’t overtly talk from a Christian perspective).
• Strength Finder 2.0 – a book that once you purchase gives you the link to a quiz that will change your life – professionally and in ministry. Find out your strengths.

Habit / Food books that have changed my life recently:

• Better Than Before: What I Learned About Making and Breaking Habits–to Sleep More, Quit Sugar, Procrastinate Less, and Generally Build a Happier Life (my fav!)
• Why We Get Fat: And What to Do About It
• The Big Fat Surprise: Why Butter, Meat and Cheese Belong in a Healthy Diet
• Making Habits, Breaking Habits: Why We Do Things, Why We Don’t, and How to Make Any Change Stick
• The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business

More Resources Mentioned:

• Overdrive – the app that links with your library card in order to download e-books and audiobooks on your phone. I LOVE this app (and the library!)
•  Meetup.com – a wonderful site that shows you hundreds of groups meeting in your are. Great for meeting someone with your interests.
• Episode 92: Create Your Life Focus Together: Where I and a guest discuss goal setting, what has been vital in my marriage and life.
• Surrendered Wife – a book helping me and my best friend learn how to stop being controlling (something I thought I didn’t help on, until I started reading this!) I already am seeing pretty amazing things in my marriage.
• Surrendered Single – I haven’t read this yet, but if it’s anything like Surrendered Wife (which it is supposed to be just aimed at singles) it’ll be worth your time!

 

 

General Script:

• I’m going to give you the formula right here, right now
  • I think you should get a pen & write this down
• What do I think of single people?
  • single people who want to be married
• Why do I think I can help?
  • track record
  • my strengths
    • Futuristic
    • Activator
    • Strategic
    • Communication
    • Positivity
  • my story with my husband
• How do people fall in love?
  • fall in love like it’s an accident
  • I didn’t choose to fall in love with him/her
  • well, what is that
    • chemistry
    • don’t necessarily need chemistry to stay in love
  • philosophy on how we fall in lvoe
• If it’s so easy, why isn’t everyone happily in love?
  • because love is not really what we need
  • you can fall in love with thousands probably millions of people, I think
  • but you shouldn’t marry all of them
  • The Bachelor
    • 50 women fall in love with 1 man…the studio picked that man
    • we choose love, long term
  • arranged marraiges are often higher rates of happiness & lower rates of divorce
    • marriage isn’t about happiness, its not even about love;
    • its a function of productivity
      • a marriage fulfills the roles of healthy place to raise a family;
      • fulfills your needs for companionship, sexual fulfillment and a partner in this adventure called life
• Truth is, I don’t want to help you find love (I lied in the title)
  • I want to help you find marriage
  • love can be cheap
  • marriage is lifelong
• Why do I want you to get married?
  • well, you’re listening to this because you have a remote desire
  • but I have a feeling that remote desire is taking up a WHOLE lot of your life
    • what you wear,
    • what you think when you look in the mirror
    • what you choose to do for work
    • what you do and think about during your 9-5
    • what you choose to do after work
    • what temptations you struggle with
    • where you spend your free time
    • what you spend your free time doing (advancing the kingdom; enriching your character; disciplining your mind & body towards God’s purposes) or (trying to look, act cute or desirable to another)
  • I want you to get married so
    • you can stop burning with passion
    • you can have accountability for your God-given dreams (creating your life focus #92)
    • you can become totally vulnerable with a person who is just as messed up as you (all the episodes)
      • and that will make you both grow
    • you can grow the fruits of the spirit through use; through challenge; through trial and effort; just like a muscle grows because it is stretched/challenged/ripped…it then grows
      • and any married person can tell you, you have an opportunity to grow your character, every single day of marriage; every single day many times
    • you can focus
      • stop all that wondering if he’s into me;
      • assessing the attractiveness of movie stars and other complete nonsense that our culture is obsessed with
      • stop judging yourself according to how others act towards you… it matters less because you’re not looking for a spouse anymore…you’ve got yours
      • its easier to shield your eyes from temptation, because you’ve got yours at home
        • and you can bring an image of him to mind as you glance away from that magazine…imagine your hubby’s arms instead; imagine your favorite parts of him instead
    • you can heal
      • marriage is a place to heal
      • it can be
      • a place to share our wounds and have the trust that our hubby’s are going to hold our vulnerable hearts with care and love
        • I still find myself doubting that my husband wants to hear my heart
        • and then I ask him if he does and he responds with “I’m honored you trust me with your thoughts.” and I’m healed a little more.
    • you can take risks
      • I was helping my sister with a project for work
      • and I really encouraged her to find someone who she could practice her presentation in front of
        • and I repeatedly suggested her significant other
      • eventually it became apparent that it wouldn’t be a good situation
      • but every thing requires risk and your partner can help you walk through that risk; be vulnerable with your ideas; take a chance to change
      • change is scary and uncomfortable
        • but having a cheerleader beside you is a HUGE help
        • so, be a cheerleader to your spouse; because those first steps are never easy and your spouse deserves unusual encouragement & support
      • your marriages supplies safety that you can get no where else
      • I think about a safe place often
        • whenever anyone is sharing their vulnerability
        • I make it an absolute point to meet them there
          • when I notice this is new, or scary or hard or intimate for them to share
          • I try to meet them
            • say “me too”
            • I’ve been there too
            • or yes I hear you
            • or wow, you’re doing a phenomenal job
        • the moment of a person’s vulnerability is a powerful opportunity to add (or (severely detract) from any relationship
    • you can get better habits;
      • what you day-to-day matters more than herculean effort once in a while;
      • habits/routines make life sweet or out-of-control
      • you may laugh at me, but if you’ve listened to the podcast since the start of this year, you’ll know I really was purposed to get off the baby weight this year
        • well, this is what I did to motivate me
          • facebook group
            • strategy:
              • read a lot of books (listen)
              • habit books
                • Power of Habit; Making Habits, Breaking Habits; Better Than Before (personal favorite);
                • books about food:
                  • Why We Get Fat; Smart Fat; The Big Fat Surprise
              • changed my eating completely
              • established some daily habits that support my life
                • books about worthwhile daily habits
                  • Miracle Morning
              • kept being uncomfortably vulnerable
                • my husband (Frst and foremost)
                • to the fb group
              • kept going
• Marriage is…
  • awesome/amazing/powerful…i could go on
  • or its awful/dismal/distracting/painful…i could go on
• What’s the difference?
  • I can’t say for sure
  • I think God wants marriage to be forever and so my whole podcast is packed with material to help you turn yours around
  • But for those who are not married right now… here’s how I’d strongly suggest you move forward
  • Determine what you want FIRST
• Why do you need to determine who would be a good marriage partner before you even start dating?
  • because its so easy to fall in love
  • on the outset, before you’ve even met anyone you need to determine what matters most to you in a marriage partner
• So… this is the process (full disclosure, adapted from Anthony Robbins, whom I really like)
  • Write out what you can’t stand
  • Write out what you must have
  • Write out what changes you need to make to attract that person
    • you may want to revisit my section on how to change
    • the MOST important element of change is believing you CAN
      • thats why this podcast is ALL about stories
      • to show you how others have changed, responded to their circumstances and to give you hope and belief that YOU can too!
  • Write out a strategy for how to find that person
    • a strategy
• Accountability:
  • After doing 100 episodes of DYM with longtime wives and marriage experts as well as writing my book; I know what makes marriage work, long term and I know what makes them fail (through research AND personal experience) so I have some insight into
    • but many of us need accountability
      • that’s why there are gyms, right? we could exercise in our house or outside and some can do that consistently
      • but many of us need the accountability and more one-on-one guidance
      • so if that’s you, we can go through this process together, and I’ll even keep you accountable for the first month of your journey on finding the love of your life
      • and I’ll give you direct feed back
    • I really like helping people change
      • but they have to be ready for that step
      • that’s why I gave you EVERYTHING in this podcast
      • but if you need that motivation
      • if you need someone to complement your strengths and make up for your lack, then I’m a willing support
      • I love helping people in this way specifically
        • because I can share how others have done it; what research says about your plan; how not to cross off the right guys prematurely
      • I want you to be married if thats what YOU want for you.

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Transcript

0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host belah rose.

0:19
Hey there, and welcome. Thank you for joining me on the podcast. If you have listened to this podcast before, you know that this is a podcast where me belah, Rose, interviews, wives about their struggles, triumphs, and advice on marriage. And then I also talked to experts or experts and wives, about specific topics about physical intimacy, spiritual intimacy, emotional intimacy in your marriage. And then lastly, I do solo shows where I tell you what God has taught me on this subject and what I think would be most beneficial for you. So today is just like that we’re doing a solo show. And it is episode 100. I am really happy that this podcast has been going strong for over a year. And this is literally the 100th episode. It’s just wild that we’re here. But really exciting stuff. Today, we’re talking about finding the love of your life. So you might be asking, wait, this is about marriage. Why are you telling me how to find someone to fall in love with? Well, for two reasons. One, though, this podcast is really focused on wives, and how to best invest in your marriage and get the encouragement and inspiration you need on a daily and weekly basis. It’s also attracted quite a lot of singles, which I can only commend every single that is listened to the delight your marriage podcast, because if you can understand what marriage is about before you get there, why you are so much more equipped to handle what set before you. So I just want to encourage and give it a pat on the back to any single listening right now. Because you are doing a wise thing that’s going to affect the rest of your life. It’s just awesome. So in honor of singles, that was the first thing the second thing. The second reason I’m doing today’s podcast is because it’s actually an investment in the delight your marriage. Future because the more married people there are, the more people will listen to the podcast and be helped and blah, blah, blah, God’s work continues. So it’s a little bit of a backhanded, you know, get get people started early on the podcast. Alright, that was a little fun. But really, and truly, I do believe that this is important stuff. So all of us know, singles that wish they were married, or people that are just not married, but are in a committed relationship. And they want to kind of know if this is someone they should make that lifelong commitment with. And so I think this is a valuable insight for those. The other reason I think this is going to be helpful for even our listeners that are married is because if we don’t understand how love works, practically, I think I’ve got some insights today to share with you that will help us stay on the straight and narrow to stay on the path of loving our spouse, and not you know, accidentally veer off because we had some misconceptions or misunderstandings of how love works. So I’m going to try to elucidate all of that today and give you a very, very practical how to unmoving for it to find the love of your life. So let’s dive in

3:49
so I was talking to my best friend the other day, and I was just like, you know, I just don’t understand why singles are single. I mean, I have a full proof strategy. For those that want to be married. I just don’t understand why they’re single. And my friend was like, Yeah, I don’t, I don’t get it either. I mean, I did your strategy, and now I’m married and so happy. So there’s my first proof that the today’s episode is worthwhile. But she followed up that conversation a few, I guess, I guess that first conversation was a couple months ago. But she followed that up telling me that she reviewed some of her journal from a couple years ago. And she was like, I am so grateful that you’re my friend because we had this conversation. And here I am now married to this man. And so she was super, super grateful so that it’s just very exciting. By the way I do really try to give practical examples of my life that are easy to relate to. For the normal person, right? These are. These are conversations I’ve had with friends. These are the ways that I’m living life just like you We’re very similar people. So anyway, that is what I’m talking about finding the love of your life. And I’m going to give you that formula right here right now I’m going to give everything to you in this episode, because I want you to do this, I want it to work for you. So feel free to pause, get a pen, write this down, write this somewhere, it’s gonna, you’ll be able to think about it later and and reflect on it and figure out how to do these steps and apply them for your life. So what do I think of single people? I think they’re awesome. And singleness is a really wonderful stage. And I think a lot of people, you know, tell singles, how to be content in their singleness, and all of that. And I think that’s helpful information and helpful advice. And it’s a very important stage of your life. And we’re going to talk that about that in a minute. But for single people who want to be married, and that’s not everyone, it’s not. But those that do that have that desire. I just want to give a truckload of encouragement and how tos on getting there. So here’s why I think I can help. Alright, so first of all, I’ve got a track record before I ever even did the podcast and started helping people in this way. I, you know, by God’s grace, I’ve been able to help people get to a place of finding their love of their life. So just an example of my seventh grade teacher who I just adored. And who he was just an amazing teacher. And when I graduated from college, I went back and talked to him, he taught history. And he was just so vivacious and energetic and had so much passion for the subject and teaching all this kid’s history. And he would have a quote on the chalkboard every day, a new quote. And we talked about that quote, in movies, quotes from philosophers and historians and people of note in the world, and he just had so much passion around it. And he talked about how he read 40 pages of a book every single day, just as something he did, he was just so encouraged to do that. And, and anyway, he impacted my life so very, very much obviously. And even I, you know, I chose philosophy in my college years as a result, I think, as a result of what he taught me, so he’s just a profound person in my, in my life. So when I graduated college, I went back to my hometown and somehow got his contact information and, and met up with him and we went to dinner at I think, Applebee’s or something. And we talked and, you know, he was, somehow I just saw that energy was lost, that, that that spirit, that passion, you know, I think the school board had really derailed a lot of his energy. And they were just, he just didn’t have that fire like he used to, and, and, you know, slowly as I had become an adult during this intermission between seventh grade and graduating college,

8:08
I, you know, he started to open up about some other things and just how he, I think I asked him because I remember he had wanted to name his son, Xerxes, because that was such a cool name. With a started with an X, right, because there’s historical significance there though. Xerxes wasn’t like great historical figures, just a great name. Anyway, so I had I brought that up, I think. And he had said, Well, you know, I just, I just don’t, I just don’t think there’s someone for me. I just don’t think that’s really in my future. And I was like guff odd, five might not be the right word to say, I guess I was like dumbstruck, like, like, what, are you kidding me? Why would you give up, this world is full of people, there is no reason to give up. And again, this man was just an incredible person. And for him to just assume that he’s not worthy of love of having a lifelong partner. I just was so crushed by and so I just did my all to get this man encouraged and to move forward. And I suggested online dating and I suggested a couple sites that I had read books up. So eHarmony. He’s a psychologist over 30 years, and he’s written books, and I’ve read one of his books that I just thought was brilliant. I think it was called Falling in love for all the right reasons. Anyway, so I just really suggested that to him, it fast forward a few months. He sent me an email and he said, Well, Bella to eat crow, or I hate to eat crow or whatever. But I have met someone and we are engaged. And I thank you for everything you had to do to encourage that. And so since then, I really haven’t heard from him much because, you know, he doesn’t respond to my email. Mill’s calls because he just is too busy. So, hey, I’m happy for that. No, I’m just kidding. But he has, we have exchanged emails here and there, but it’s just a God thing, you know, thank God that he, he ended up quitting his job and going with his wife to do some other pursuits that were really cool. I think he wrote a book and just excited I’d like a graphic novel. So anyway, that just, there’s one story, there’s also, it just seems like God puts people who are newly out of relationships in my path. And I’ve had the opportunity to really encourage them. So another friend who had just been dumped by this man that she thought was the one and shortly thereafter, you know, she and I were talking, and she just was really trying to seek the Lord if He wanted her to be single for the rest of her life. And I was just like, there is no reason to make that decision right now. None, there is no reason to decide whether, if that’s a desire in your heart, I believe God blesses that and wants that to happen. But you got to make some choices and some changes and actually do something. Long story short, she is married and about to have actually, no, she just had her first baby. So that’s a really cool thing. Again, I already told you about my best friend who is happily married now. And they’re just a dynamic couple, they teach me so much just by watching them live. And, you know, she and I really help each other iron, sharpening iron and help each other, grow closer to God and people. So, you know, others I could I could go into, but it’s just, that’s the track record, I think I’m bringing to this conversation. Okay. The other thing I want to talk about is my strengths. So if you haven’t heard of strength finder, it is an amazing resource, especially for those of you that really love like business stuff. So if you’re a professional, or you’re an entrepreneur, any of that like it this, if you have a job at all, or you want to have a job, this is a brilliant resource, I think it’s a $15 book. But when you buy the book, you get to I’ll have all this linked up on the podcast on the show notes, so you can find this stuff. But when you buy the book, there’s a code in the back and you can take this StrengthsFinder test, I think it’s 2.0 is the newest version. Anyway, this test is so helpful, it is unreal, there are certain strengths that all of us have, they, they, they go out of like 34 strengths or something. And so the your top five strengths are the ones that we don’t know how you got them, you might have been born with them, they might be God’s,

12:34
like gift to you these five strengths. Or it might have been something that through your childhood through the way that you raised, you just had this as a value that you’ve developed over the years, however, you got them. These are your top five strengths that you bring to every circumstance like this is how God has wired you in whatever way he’s done it. But at this point, this is how you are wired to most support and be strongest in and I think this is a vital understanding, because this not only helps us in our workplace to understand what do i uniquely bring to my job, but it also helps you in your ministry. So how am I uniquely gifted to serve others. It’s just an amazing resource. This was actually this resource was brought to me through my church. And it was just an amazing, everyone of the leadership team that’s taken this test, it’s just opened their eyes like it’s just a mind blowing thing. So I can’t plug this enough. But like I said, I’ll have it all linked up on the show notes so you can get to it. Alright, so mine, this is why this is all an intro to tell you that my five strengths are futuristic activator, strategic communication, and positivity. So futuristic, you know, I just have a knack for looking into the future and bringing that vision to others to help them to see what could be what God wants to do in their lives. What what’s the future holding for them, give them a picture to latch on to. So that’s something that’s just a natural gifting for me. Another one is activator. Now, this is something I didn’t understand my whole life. This is something that has been in me, since I was very young, to help people change to help people get started to help people grow. This is just something that has just, I don’t know what it is. But there’s this almost like an impatience. Like, I want you to get to where you need to be where you want to be where you desire to be. So this isn’t an activator strength. I’ve just had the grace to help people get to that next step. It’s just I don’t know, it’s, it’s been it’s been my whole life. It really bothered my mom who was just, you know, raised with this idea that things need to be perfect and you know, keeping up appearances and things like that. And and I was always wanting things to get better and to change and and why do I always have to rock the boat? I don’t know, but it’s just who I am. So that’s what I bring to this conversation that act It’ll help you to change help you to move help you to become the person you want to become. Okay, the other one is strategic. It’s kind of like this idea of like, Okay, so we’ve got a, we’ve got where we want to go. Now let’s put the pieces in place to get it there. Let’s get a strategy. Let’s be practical. How do we get to that place? The last one is communication. That’s what I’m obviously doing with you right now, I like to talk I like to express my thoughts. So that’s a gifting as well. And last one is positivity. And that might be something I’ve honed over the years just through effort and discipline of disciplining my mind to be positive, optimistic, choosing the best perspectives to have. I think that’s a God honoring trait. And I think we can all hone that even better and better. But that’s one of my strengths. And then the last reason I think this podcast is going to matter to you is because this is what happened in my life, this strategy worked. So what ended up happening is, I think, if you listen to the podcast at all, you know, I was married before, when I was about 18, I got married. And the man was much older than me, we ended up having so many problems. And after two years, we separated and then I put forth the divorce. And after that, I went through this season of really being angry with God, I thought this guy was the one I told everyone he was the one when they questioned my choices. And it was just, oh, how could I be so blind? How could I, you know, I thought I was falling you God, I was so upset at God, I was so upset at other Christians who I felt had really abandoned me and led me wrong. And, and, and, and been mean to me for different reasons. And so I just went through this space in the season of kind of, of kind of just forgetting God and just deciding, you know, well, this is not the life I want to lead. And it’s funny, because my childhood, I guess it’s a grace, really, my childhood was littered with all these wonderful experiences of God’s truth and kindness. And, and I knew he was real deep down. I knew he was the way and I just knew it. But I didn’t want it to be true in the way I was living. I wanted to be wild. I wanted to be adventuresome. I wanted to understand sex, because I felt so completely

17:25
just misunderstanding I had saved this for marriage, it was horrible in marriage, and it wasn’t respected and protected and, and cherished by my first husband. And so I just went wild and did all sorts of sinful things that I, you know, wish, wish I could go back and undo what when you can’t, you know, God redeems them in really wonderful ways if you let him. So I believe God has redeemed that season to have taught me what I needed to learn to help and teach others. But that season culminated in a lot of heartbreaks, I ended up falling in love with some people, or maybe not that depth of a love, but my heart was broken. I just had these series of, you know, because sex unifies you, right? So so when you don’t respect the power of sex as a as a as a purposed unification of two people, the end result is hurt after that doesn’t continue to grow unification, right. So I ended up just getting to a spot where I was really broken, and really frustrated at how much I hurt and why I couldn’t have that consistent love from someone else. And around that time, I started listening to someone Anthony Robbins, I think I’ve mentioned him on the podcast before, but he’s a wonderful motivational speaker. I really like a lot of the things there’s there’s ways that you can utilize his tools and skills and apply them to Christianity. So though he’s not necessarily a Christian, author, and speaker, he really gives a lot of like I said, tools that you can apply to your Christian faith, I believe so. So one thing he really suggested is kind of the strategy I’m going to go through today. I have added and kind of subtracted some of the thoughts that he had. But I utilized his strategy and what ended up happening, it was some lists that I made as a result of what he said. And I ended up meeting my now husband about a month after I wrote these lists, and then I met my now husband, and we started dating and slowly fell in love and about six months into our relationship. I found these lists again, and I was awed by how, how completely he embodied these elements that I had written down. So just incredible what God has done and that’s why, you know, now, many, a lot of time later I’ve been able to, you know, look back can be like, Wow, God really utilize that for good in my marriage. So let’s talk about how people fall in love. I think this is a vital and foundational understanding that has been really helpful for me and helpful for others. So, in our society today, right, in movies, we just talk about love. Like, it’s just this wild force that we have no control over. It’s just it happens to you, you fall in love. And and you didn’t choose to fall in love with him or her. It just, it just happened. And I choose, I beg to differ. I think we’ve all had that experience where there’s just been an initial spark, there’s been that, that that attraction that, you know, it doesn’t happen with everyone, but it happens with some people. And what is that? Well, here’s what I call it, I call it chemistry. Okay. I think what people mistake for falling in love, love at first sight is really chemistry. And the reason chemistry is so important to understand is that it’s not, um, I think the truth is, we can fall in love with many 1000s, maybe even millions of people. Because the thing is, all you need to fall in love, this is vital. This is a very important understanding. All you need to fall in love, I believe is chemistry, and time with that person. That’s it, you just need to have that initial spark. And you need to spend enough time with that person, and you will fall in love with them. It doesn’t matter what they act like who they are on the inside where their characters like, they will eventually steal your heart away. If you have those two elements, I do believe the truth is, you should not marry every person that you have the potential to fall in love with. Let me just give you a couple examples of why I really do believe this is true.

22:08
I think in our society today, we can pretty much that’s how it works. You can fall in love with just about anyone you have chemistry with. And you spend enough time with the only thing I would say as a caveat to that in other cultures, depending on how you were raised and where you’re coming from. You might not even need chemistry, for example, arranged marriages, they often have much higher rates of happiness in their marriage, and lower rates of divorce. And here’s the reason I think that’s the case I think marriage, they recognize is not about happiness. It’s not even about love. It’s really kind of about productivity. It’s about a marriage, fulfilling the role of a healthy family, what it needs to raise healthy children. It fulfills that need of companionship, sexual fulfillment, and a partner in this adventure called life. So I think that’s why it works and many cultures. Love is not what our westernized conception of, you know, it’s all about fate and destiny and falling in love with that person. And here’s another example. I hate these reality TV shows like The Bachelor and things like that, honestly, they make me want to throw up and i i try to muffle My sincere opinions about that with friends that love the shows. But here’s one thing I think we can take from the Bachelor is that there’s one man that the studio selects, who is probably very attractive, very a camera friendly person. And, you know, however many women 50 Women fall in love with this guy. How does that happen? If we really think that love is fate, it’s destined, it’s God’s plan, the particular person, there’s only one person for us, he’s the one if that’s true, I mean, how does that work? 50 women fell in love with a guy the studio put on the place to for them to fall in love with. And if you watch these things, and like I said, I do not but little snippets, you can see the sincerity of their love for this person that the studio so it doesn’t even make sense our philosophy on the one for us, or God has chosen that person for us. Now honestly, I want to say with very sincere clarity on this, that I do believe sometimes God does pick a particular individual for another individual to marry. I’ve heard you know, people have really strong experiences with God about a particular person they were supposed to marry and you know, audible voices of God and and then they’ve gone on to do amazing things for God. And this was a very important partnership that needed to be established. And God knew that and I honor those stories. I think they are exceptions to the rule. However, I think most of us do not have a specific person that God wants us to marry. I think it’s our wisdom applied in life. And I’m going to talk about applying that wisdom in the rest of this conversation. So the truth is, I really actually don’t want you to find love at all. Because I kind of lied in the title. I’m sorry, I just wanted you to listen. Now. But I, I think it’s because we have a misunderstanding of love. Love is a little cheaper than our society elevates love above all else, and, and love. Like I said, it’s important. It’s wonderful. It’s pleasurable, it’s a it’s a really fun experience to be falling in love. It’s really good. I think, God, it’s a gift. But it is not the end all. What I really want for you, is marriage. Because marriage is much, much better. It’s a sustained love. It’s love that’s action oriented. It’s love That’s commitment focused.

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So why do I want you to get married? Well, you’re listening to this because you have a remote desire for marriage for a lifelong love. But here’s the deal, I have a feeling that that remote desire might be taking up a whole lot of your life, what you wear, when you think about when you look in the mirror, what you choose to do for your work, what you do and think about during your nine to five, what you choose to do after work, what temptations you struggle with, where you spend your free time, what you spend your free time doing, whether it’s advancing the kingdom and reaching your character, disciplining your mind and body towards God’s purposes, or trying to look and act cute, to be desirable for someone else. Does that make sense? What I’m saying is if you are not married, but want to be you are spending way too much time focused on that desire, so much time and effort that could be that could be used for God’s purposes in your life, I want you to get married. So you can stop burning with passion, as Paul says, I want you to get married, so you can have accountability for your God given dreams. And I talked quite a lot more about this with a guest on episode 92. So if you want to listen to creating your life focus together, I would love for you to listen to that episode. But I want you to get married because you can become totally vulnerable with a person who is just as messed up as you are. Which that’s clear in all of the episodes that we’ve done so far together. But it makes you both grow, it can make you into better people, I want you to get married. So you can grow the fruits of the Spirit through use, through challenge through trial through effort, just like a muscle grows, because it’s stretched. Literally, when you feel sore the next day after working out it’s because your muscles were ripping, they were tearing apart. And that’s what allows them then to grow bigger, because they were stretched, they were challenged. And any married person can tell you that you have the opportunity to grow your character every single day. And often many, many times during that day. I want you to get married so you can focus and stop all that wandering around in your mind, you know, wondering, Is he into me, or assessing the attractiveness of a movie star? I sometimes I watch movies with my with my single friends and they’re telling me about how attractive this person is. And I’m like, my goodness, I don’t I mean, I am not even distracted by that. I’m thinking about my own husband like I’m, I’m I have a sole focus on his attractiveness, I can’t even see it in someone else. And many, many times I spent time disciplining my mind in that way, and it just doesn’t compute. And it’s just, it’s such a relief because I don’t have to have all this distraction all the time. You know, I want you to be able to focus and stop judging yourself according to how others act towards you. And matters less because you’re really not looking for a spouse anymore. You’ve got yours. You don’t care if they like you or or think you’re cute, it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s easier also to shield your eyes from temptation, like I just mentioned, because you’ve got your love of your life. The desire of your heart is at home, or at work or wherever the but they’re coming home to you again. They’re yours. And you can always bring an image to mind of him as you glance away from that magazine with all those scantily clad models. You can just imagine your hubby’s body and what you really love about him and imagine the favorite parts of him instead of whatever that stimuli is around you and others The reason I want you to get married is so you can heal. Marriage is the place to heal, or it can be, you know, it can be a place to share your wounds, and have the trust that your husband is not going away, that he is going to hold you to hold your vulnerable heart, and care and love about you and love you. I still find myself doubting sometimes that my husband wants to hear and, and receive all of the things that are going through my heart and mind. And, and sometimes I’ll ask him in those moments of vulnerability that I’m concerned about this and, and he’ll respond with honey, I’m honored that you trust me with your thoughts. And that moment allows me to be healed just a little bit more. Another reason I want you to get married is so you can take risks. Here’s what I mean, I was helping my sister with a project for work recently. And I really encouraged her to find someone to present her presentation to and, and and go through this, you know, challenging process of presentation, right? It takes a lot of courage and all that stuff, you got to practice all that.

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But I consistently I kept suggesting that she asked her boyfriend, and eventually it came to my realization that that wouldn’t be a good situation for her, it wouldn’t support her, it wouldn’t be a safe place to take a risk. You know, here’s the thing, everything in life requires risk, risk, to change risk, to be creative risk to have a new idea. And your partner can help you walk through that risk. He can help you be vulnerable with your ideas and take a chance to change he can be that first response where you can say, you know, is this a good idea? Or is it not, and you don’t have to be concerned that they’re gonna judge you or, or think less of you, because this is maybe a silly idea, and you just weren’t sure, and you needed some feedback. Like that’s the safety that marriage affords. Because change is scary, it’s uncomfortable. But having a cheerleader beside you is a huge help. So just a caveat or a little caveat. But a little side note here is be a cheerleader for your spouse, because those first steps of change are never easy. And your spouse deserves unusual encouragement and support, when you can tell there’s a little vulnerability there, when there’s something new, that they’re, you know, thinking about considering be that cheerleader don’t revert to that fear and distrust and trying to take them down a notch instead, just encourage them just honor that vulnerability in their heart in that place. So your marriage supply safety that you can get really nowhere else. And I think about a safe place really a lot, whenever anyone is sharing, and I can tell they little by little or, you know, dipping their toe into being vulnerable with me, you know, I make it an absolute point to meet them in that vulnerability. If you know what I mean, it’s kind of like, as someone sharing with you, maybe you can go through the podcasts and notice this, but sometimes, you know, we’re talking about theory and theology and logic and just be really practical, you know, really not practicable with theoretical things that, you know, pretty much everyone can agree with. But then they move into something a little deeper, a little closer to their heart, something that maybe they’re taking a chance to even say it in front of me or in front of our audience. And you can tell there’s just a little change in the way they say it, you can just see that this might be uncomfortable. If I was saying it, would I be comfortable saying this, you know, we move from cliches into something of value. And that’s when I try my hardest to meet them there and say, Yeah, me too. I’ve been there. Yeah, I hear you. Yeah, wow, you’re doing an amazing job. Whatever it is. So I just I just asked you to notice that vulnerable place and your husband, your wife yourself, when you are a little shaky on this. What do you want to hear from someone else you want just flat out encouragement? You just want someone to say wow, could shop or or Gosh, I’ve been there too. I know just what you mean, that is not easy. So vulnerability, right? That’s the power of marriage, it can help you in that space. See, the moment of a person’s vulnerability is a powerful opportunity to add or severely detract from any relationship. It just kind of underscores everything I’m saying but the moment of a person’s vulnerability is a powerful opportunity to add or severely detract from any relationship. So yeah, so again, that’s why I want you to get married so you can have that space that safe space I think the next piece I want to go into is talking about why I want you to get married because you can get better habits. What you do do on a day to day matters more than any Herculean effort that happens just once in a while. And the reason is habits is because these are routines, these are daily activities that you put into your life that happens consistently. Now, you may laugh at me, but if you listen to the podcast since the start of this year, 2016, you’ll know that I was really purpose to get off the baby weight this year, I really had that as my resolution, I kind of love.

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You probably know this about me already. But I love goals futuristic, right? That’s my strength. So I really love thinking about okay, the futuristic right now then the strategy, how do we get there. So here’s my strategy, what I did to make sure that I utilized or utilize this time of 2016, to establish appropriate habits that would support my eventual goal of getting off the baby weight and living a more healthy life, this is what I ended up doing. Feel free to steal any of these ideas, you’re welcome to them. They’re a little scary, but they might work for you. So this is what I did. I invited. I don’t know how many people maybe 15 to 20 of my friends that I either know well or kind of know, loosely. And to a Facebook group, this was on my personal Facebook page. And I when I told them that my goal for 2016 was to get off the baby weight, and I gave them a goal. And this is what I’d like to do and all these things. So I invited them to come to I made an event page is what I did, invited them to come to a party in April. And the only people who are allowed to the party is people that meet their goals. So it was January, they had to define what their goal was, and meet it by April, just three months in. Otherwise, they weren’t allowed to come to my achievement party is what I called it. So I’m, obviously I do well, with having social support. For some of these. Not everyone does well with that. So feel free to ignore the suggestion if you’d like. But yeah, it ended up, it ended up doing two things. One, it ended up starting a lot of pressure on me where I was just like, oh my gosh, how do I even start three months isn’t very long, like I keep on making bad choices, like what am I supposed to, so I just like kind of released the pressure a little bit, and I updated the Facebook page, and I was just like, you know, here’s how I’m doing, I’m not doing great. So I’m gonna change my goal a little bit, and I’m gonna kind of decide that an instead of getting, you know, dropping this, wait, I’m just going to get into this dress by that date. Alright, get a little closer to April. And pretty soon I was like, I’m not going to meet this, this isn’t even making sense. So let me just change the date further back. So I ended up changing the date to June. And so I kept working at things and I ended up changing my strategy quite a bit. And I just decided, You know what, I’m just gonna start listening to books about habits and books about healthy eating. Because I know that those are my two things I had been exercising on a consistent basis for a while by then. And the pounds were not dropping off. And I, I knew that excuse me, it was my eating, that was the issue. So I really just focused on listening to library books. By the way, if you’ve ever heard me talk about books that I’ve read, for the vast majority, their audio books that I listened to, and a far larger amount that you would imagine are from the library. So thank God, He’s given us libraries, so we can learn for free whenever we want to. But anyway, so audio books I just downloaded on my phone, actually, I’ll put a link to that overdrive is the the app that you can just get from your library, and you can just download audiobooks all the time. So I’ll put a link to that in the show notes. Okay, so anyway, I just started listening to all these books about habits. So one I listened to was called The Power of Habit, which is a great book. Another one was called Making habits, breaking habits, how to make habit stick, another one was better than before. And that was what probably my personal favorite of the habit books. I think there might have been a couple others thrown in there about habits, but I really just made it a kind of a research project to just understand habits to a much greater degree. And those are fantastic books. And like I said, I’ll have it all linked up if you have any interest in doing that. But I could just tell you what I learned from those books. But the other thing I started listening to was a couple about food. So I listened to the book why we get fat. Another book I’ve been reading is smart fat. I’ve been getting through that slowly. But then another book is called The Big Fat surprise. Anyway, the point is and everyone has different opinions of how eating and you know, food works, but this has actually been a very helpful process for me to go through to change my eating completely. And again, better than before was something that really gave me the support of habits to know how habits work and, and why it’s more important to keep going than to stop and start again. And I just love that book because it really helped you to change your personal habits. So anyway, I changed my eating completely. And I established some daily habits that really support my life and my walk with God, one book that was really worthwhile in in, in figuring out what daily habits you should include was called the Miracle Morning and that I read over a year ago. And it’s been a huge help to just do something called a miracle morning every morning to spend time with God in meditation, exercising,

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scripture reading, and journaling. And it kind of just gives you a framework of why it’s vital to start your day in a way. And it’s not necessarily written from a Christian perspective. But you can apply it to Christian perspectives, right? Because it was early in the morning that Jesus went to meet with God, you know, it says it often in the scriptures. So, in our daily in busy, busy lives nowadays with work and how our routines work, often, it’s the only time we can really get away to to make our life. Well. So Miracle Morning was the one that really helped me there, they’ve got an amazing online community of really, really supportive people, if you want to check that out, too. Okay. But like I said, marriage was a huge piece of why I was able to make these significant life changes, because I was vulnerable with my husband first, first and foremost, I told him, you know, my plans, I vetted everything with him, I let him know, this is what I’m thinking, Is this too much? Is this too scary? As you know, in the Facebook group, obviously, that was a scary thing. It was pretty funny how little people actually came out and talked about their goals on the Facebook page. And I I feel for them, because it’s scary. It’s scary. What if you don’t live up to it, but here’s where I’ve gotten, I’ve gotten that most people have trouble figuring out their goals. And so if you’re more open with it, it actually helps everyone else to feel a little inspired to be like, Yeah, I should, I should try to change that’s actually a good idea. And, and the one thing I learned from the power of habit, that was a really good book that I mentioned, is that the most important thing you need to change. I mean, they have done studies after studies of people that have changed in, you know, the most unbelievable circumstances where alcoholics have completely transformed their lives and, and drug addicts and all these different, you know, areas of life that it’s like, how did they change for good? The the one element, is this, the belief that you can change that? That was it, the belief. And so like I said, we talk about that all the time on this podcast, we give stories of people who have encountered really difficult scenarios, or they’ve had to make really difficult changes in their heart, or in their actions, or both. And that’s, that’s one of the reasons I really focus on stories and the journey episodes is to help people have some hope that they can change because this woman changed or that person changed. So yes, that belief. So let’s, it sounds like a tangent that I just went on for a while, but it actually makes a lot of sense to what we’re talking about. So marriage can be awesome, amazing, powerful. And obviously I could go on and on, or, as I’ve experienced, and maybe you have to marriage could be awful, dismal, distracting, painful. And I, of course could go on and on about that. So what is the difference? Well, I can’t say but for sure. All right, I can say that. I think God wants marriage to be forever as it talks about the scriptures. So obviously, my whole ministry is packed with material to help you and encourage you and turn yours around on a weekly basis. All you have to do is make a habit of listening to dy M every Tuesday, we come out, make that a habit. And you’ve got a ready made encouragement for your marriage every week. So little plug for listening to this podcast on a consistent basis. But otherwise, for those of you who are not married right now, here’s how I would strongly suggest for you to move forward. Determined determine what you want. First, determine what you want. First. Why do you need to determine who would be a good marriage partner for you before you even start dating? Because, as I talked about, from the beginning, it’s really easy to fall in love. On the outset before you’ve met anyone, before you’ve had an idea of of who’s available and who’s not before you get on the online dating apps and swipe left or right determine what matters most in a marriage partner. So this is the process. Full disclosure once again, a lot of this person process has been adapted by Anthony, from Anthony Robbins material. So again, I want to give him credit for that. But here is the process, make the first list what you cannot stand, alright, make it at least I would I would suggest around 20 items long. So you can, however works for you Excel documents I’ve set up for a lot of people just the first column is what you cannot stand 20 items at least. And one thing to get you started with that is think about the relationships that you really hate it relationships you’ve been in that it didn’t didn’t fulfill your your needs, your expectations, your wants, none of that.

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Think about your parents marriage, what were the things that that really, you would not be able to live with, think about other marriages that you’ve heard of, and that kind of thing. And here’s the thing I want to ask you to focus on, when you write out this list as I want you to focus in on character, I want you to focus in on behaviors that that relate to character. So this might be you don’t want someone who is, you know, because we were talking about the eating thing you don’t want someone who is is extremely overweight, right? Because that might mean there’s something that could be a health issue. But it could mean something that is a character issue. That’s something they have to go through a process to discipline themselves around this thing. The other thing I want you to mention a think about again, is values and character. So what are the values that you would not want included, like maybe maybe it’s taking drugs, maybe it’s recreational drugs, maybe you don’t want an alcoholic, you don’t want a you know, violence, you don’t want someone who doesn’t know how to control their anger, you need to make a very long list of what matters to you. Okay. And obviously, you can always listen to this podcast, and you can get ideas of what things you do want, and when things you don’t want, okay, but that’s the first list what you cannot stand. Now, hopefully, that gives you a lot of inspiration on the second list, what you must have. So this again, I want it to be clear, at least 20 lines of what you must have in a marriage partner. Again, this is not a short term thing. This is someone you want to spend your life with what you must have. And I want to encourage you to focus in again on character and values. You know, it’s funny, when I was a kid, some of my values were like making sure that this husband was really tall and really strong and can protect me. But through a process, I had to realize that those were childish understandings. That was something that I thought as a kid that I needed protection as an adult, that’s not true. That’s not true. I don’t need someone who is stronger than me, I don’t need someone who is taller than me, right? I understand that. That’s a cultural norm and whatever, I’m not going to tell you to take it out. But I am going to tell you that it is important to focus on character, because eventually, it doesn’t matter how stunning your marriage partner is, you’re eventually not going to find them attractive. I’m just telling you, after a long time of experience in marriage, there is going to be seasons, where it will be hard to even find them attractive, because that wanes, that attraction will wane, you cannot base your marriage on attraction, it’s not going to be sustained. Now, I don’t say. Obviously, I’ve talked about chemistry quite a lot. Because I think chemistry is very important. I think you need to have that initial attraction, right? Because that is going to it that is kind of something about who you are. But I just want to challenge you to think about the bigger picture what matters in this life. I’m not saying go and marry someone you don’t think is cute. That’s not it, because that’s obviously very important thing. But I just want to ask you to dig a little deeper if you can. But again, these are must haves. These are things that if you meet someone that doesn’t have something on this list, you’re going to maybe be polite and continue the conversation. But they are not in the category of potential marriage partners, they are not in that category because they don’t meet your must haves. And that’s the same with your can’t stand list. Right? Okay, so you’ve got two columns. So far, you’ve got your can’t stand, you’ve got your must have. Now, the second thing, feel free. Like I said, as I’m talking through these, feel free to pause this and just write it out. Maybe after you listen this the first time, you can always go back and pause it and write it out as I’m talking because I want you to do this.

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But the third one, now, this is a column that I don’t always talk about when I’m talking this through with my friends, because it’s a little bit more touchy. But if you want to be honest and really get this this is the column that I suggest you write is the third column is what changes you will need to make to attract that person. Right. So you have just spent time defining who it is that you want as a marriage partner the rest of your life you want to spend with this person. Now, what do you have to change about yourself to attract that person? Now obviously I’ve talked about health stuff quite a lot already. That might be something you’ll need to figure out. And I’ve given you a really good, you know, guide of how I’ve done it in myself. But what works for you, right. And this is a really important thing, because I’m not saying that you need to be someone that you’re not to attract that person. But I am saying that all of us can get better all of us can be a better potential mate. And so maybe there’s something now this is something that’s kind of cool is that a girlfriend of mine and I are going through the surrendered wife book, because both of us want to be less controlling in our marriage. It’s, it’s just something that, you know, as women, it’s hard to do. And so we’re actually, I’m going to actually talk about that in a future podcast, this journey, but maybe you’ll need to do something like that maybe you found yourself in, in other relationships, where you’ve been controlling, and you and you need to go through this process. There’s also a book called surrendered singles. So you might want to go through that, whatever it is that you’ve noticed about yourself, just try to be as objective as possible. What is it about you that may need some tweaking, maybe God could use to tweak to attract that person? Right. Again, like I said, the most important thing about change is belief, believing that you can change, and I want to tell you across this podcast right now is you can change, you can change, that was an affirmation I had for a while is that when I would go running, I would say this over and over, I would say I believe I can change, I believe I will change, I believe I am changing. And that I should just go through that over and over again. Because it took some effort for me to believe that I could make a permanent change in my life. And I believe you can change I believe you will change I believe you are changing. Now this is the third column I want you to write, write out a strategy to how to find that person right now this is I think this I don’t think Anthony talks about this particular thing he might be but anyway, this is the thing that I have really found very, very effective, is actually writing out how to find that person. So again, align it with your first two columns, who is that person you want, if you want someone who’s active, who’s an outdoorsy person, you are going to go and go on meetup.com And you’re going to find meetups in your area that you can join and connect with other outdoorsy, adventurous people that are going going to go on hikes, and they’re going to go on mountain biking trails, and they’re going to go kayaking, and they’re going to be outdoorsy, that’s where you want to find that person if you really desire I talked to someone recently about this I was going through the strategy with really desire someone who’s going to be financially stable. And I don’t discredit that, you know, some of us are not gifted in financial abilities and and that’s okay, so so find someone that complements you and is going to be strong in those areas. So where are you going to find this, this highly successful business person right? You’re going to find them in business meetups, you’re going to find them at at a you know business clubs, maybe you’re going to take up golfing for a while or hang out at the golf range for a while or, or whatever. Just just grow your creativity as much as you can to figure out who and where you’re going to find this person. Okay, and like I said, you know, if these things are important to you, don’t discredit them, don’t discount them. Use them because God gives you those desires on purpose. I believe that he says he’ll give us the desires of our hearts. He says Delight yourself in the Lord. And I will give you the desires of your heart. Obviously, I focus most of my episodes are really focused on doing that first thing first is really delighting the Lord. That’s the a lot of the purpose of your singleness, right? But from there, where are you going to find that person the desires of your heart like a give them some some credence. So that is the strategy soup to nuts. Now that strategy, you have got to do you have got to do this strategy. You’ve got to do the work of this list. It does take work I’ve, I’ve worked through, you know, soup to nuts, this strategy with lots of people. It’s been so so helpful. But here’s the thing I want to encourage.

54:18
After I have done over, over 100 episodes now, I’ve written a book, I’ve done a video course I know what makes marriage work long term, right? And I know what makes them fail through research and personal experience, right? So I do have insight on this, like I can help you. With this process. I can help you stay accountable. You can utilize my strengths. I told you what they were in the beginning to stay accountable to this process to to recognize you met someone that you had attraction with today, but they didn’t meet your must haves, so you’re not going to move forward with them even though you can feel those elements of love falling into place. You have to have that, that resolve to look at the bigger picture to look at the long term vision of who you are and what you need in a marriage partner. I just think it’s so vital. Don’t sell yourself short, there are billions of people in this world. And if you need someone who is a particular way, you will be able to find that person. Okay? Don’t discount it, do not discount who you are, and what you need in that particular way. Okay, but here’s the other thing. I want to encourage you. I have never said wait for God to bring you that person. Have you noticed that? That has not been what I’ve said on this podcast at all? Because I don’t think that’s the way God works. All right. Everything in my life that I feel God has blessed has been a result of me moving forward in faith, right? We do not walk by sight, we don’t see a person and then go after them. We walk by faith, believing that God wants us to get married, if that’s our desire. And I’ve given you so many reasons why I think marriage is going to be awesome for you. But you have got to make some very uncomfortable, very difficult, very scary changes and steps in your life to get to that place. Okay? And here’s the thing, I don’t want to leave you by yourself, I have given you everything you need on this episode, to make that choice to make those decisions to become a married person, if you so desire. But I also want to say that I can help you if you want, if you want some extra attention, if you want some one on one accountability, I can help you, right. And that’s the thing. That’s why there are gyms in this world. And that’s why it’s a billion over a few billion dollar. I’m sure there’s more than a few billion but it’s anyway, it’s a huge, you’ve got gyms, you know, down your street, I’m sure. All a gym is is accountability. You could go to the park, you could run around your street, you could do squats in your living room. A gym is an accountability. So don’t mistake accountability for weakness. Don’t mistake it for No, I mean, listen, I did that Facebook or because I needed accountability. I needed someone to say yeah, I’m going to do this, and you’re going to keep me accountable to it. So so if you need that I’m, I’m happy to help you. I love doing this kind of coaching. This is really my favorite because like I said, I’m an activator. I like to help people move and make changes, I like to help them and support them through that. So I can provide accountability, all you need to go is dot light, your marriage.com Click on the icon that says Book coaching with belah there’s an investment there, but think about that investment that could and I think absolutely will support the entire rest of your life if you will do the work if you will do the work. Okay, well, I think my final thoughts on this is I really like helping people change that’s the purpose of dy M. But if you need that motivation, I want to support you. And again, I want you to be married because that’s what you want for you. You didn’t listen to this by accident. You clicked on this link how to find the love of your life because you want to find the love of your life. So do this. Really, really do this

58:16
Alright, well I definitely gave you my All on this episode. So I hope that you are taking this inspiration, take this motivation, take this energy and make the choices that are going to make the most difference in your life in your heart. God bless you. I love you. I’m praying for you and your future marriage or your marriage now or both. God bless you. Love you. I’ll talk to you on Tuesday.

58:39
Thanks for listening. If you’ve been blessed by this, why not share it? Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion