DYM Ep53: Why Peni (Oral Sex) Matters to Your Marriage

30 Jul
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Hi there! Belah here. It’s just me today. And I will be talking about one of the most important, yet oftentimes frowned-upon, aspect of marital intimacy: oral sex. I have previously tackled the issue of oral sex and whether or not it is dirty or sinful in episode 14. That was where I first coined the term peni, as a sort of euphemism for oral sex. My dear listeners, it is important that we pay attention to your husband’s high priority needs, and guess what… Peni is one of them! On this episode, I discuss, point by point, the importance of peni in your marriage and how it affects your relationship in general. Listen in and let’s work together to bring delight into each of our marriages!

Through research and study, I’ve discovered the secrets I wish someone told me years ago! Receive my free gift: “The 4 Stages To His Best Oral Orgasm” by going to delightyourmarriage.com/4stages

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You’ll Discover:

  • The reasons why peni is essential in your marriage
  • How to identify your partner’s high-priority needs
  • Whether or not peni is dirty and sinful; what does the Bible say about it?
  • How to make your husband feel like a king in your home

Books & Resources Mentioned:

  • The Four Stages of His Best Orgasm

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Tweetables:

  • Each partner has a part to play in achieving marital goals.
  • If your marriage is on a rocky ground right now, it’s probably because of a cycle of high priority desires going unmet.
  • There probably needs to be a season of unification between you two and that season can be jumpstarted through frequent physical intimacy.
  • Peni is an act of love that touches him deeply
  • Do you want your husband to feel like a king? Well, Peni is the way!
  • If a wife becomes wonderfully competent in this area, she has all the foundation needed for lifelong passionate intimacy.
  • The rewards of serving her husband and peni may be far greater than the wife can imagine.

Thanks for listening! I hope you are encouraged to live in wholehearted intimacy!

Love,

Belah

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Transcript:
  • Article: Why Oral Sex (Peni) Matters To Your Marriage
    • Oral sex is not the easiest thing to talk about. Most of us don’t. There’s a lot of reasons for this. In general, Christians are not comfortable discussing sex at all.
    • Funny though, that the prized nuclear family (husband, wife and kids) is dependent on sex. Looking at our communication around the topic, it seems we all pretend sex has nothing to do with a healthy, happy, and virtuous family.
    • Without communication, however, there are serious problems and areas of ignorance that are destroying families.
    • I think God made sex an integral part of His plan for marriage and we need to start talking about it in order to fix these issues.
    • Oral sex is a valuable part of the intimate experience, which is why I teach wives step-by-step, very practically, to enjoy being generous in this way. Mastering this love-skill can provide a needed foundation for life-long intimacy and passion in marriage.
  • There are two main points I want to explain:
  • 1) My Story – how life has brought me to want to teach other women on this topic; and
  • 2) Oral Sex In A Patriarchal Society – why it is important in your marriage, even in a cultural context that already puts men in charge.
  • 1) My Story: Ignorance and Pain to Confidence and Purpose
    • My upbringing isn’t so unique and maybe just as dysfunctional as yours. I grew up without much understanding of sex except through coarse jokes at school. My mom had told me close to nothing of men or their parts, so I assumed the penis was simply a urine dispenser. One day in seventh grade, a popular boy told me the rumor of a student who had an erection at gym. It was clear I had no idea what he was talking about. After being completely humiliated, I confronted my mom. I was so angry she let the discomfort of talking about sex hold her back from cluing me into the sexual realities of life.
  • Ignorance Is A Poor Protector
    • I don’t fault my mom in wanting to protect me. I understand no mother wants to see their daughter explore sex prematurely. Many of our parents just wanted to keep our curiosities from turning into actions, so they thought it best to ignore the topic. Her silence and the appalled expressions she gave when I asked questions, my young heart interpreted as my body and sexuality are undesirable and disgusting. That insecurity made it pretty easy for me to avoid uncomfortable and potentially sexual situations.
    • It wasn’t until college when a man, quite a bit older, took interest in me and confidently flattered me. He insinuated marriage early on and I felt that was a great way out of my insecurities. Once we were married, I thought, he wouldn’t be able to run away even when he saw all of my “gross parts”. When we married, sex wasn’t as wonderful as I had hoped. Hormones didn’t take over to make me wild with passion, give acrobatic abilities, and give and receive ecstatic pleasure (as I expected). It was instead very painful, physically and emotionally. This is was one of many reasons our marriage fell apart, leaving me deeply wounded.
  • Learning To Value Sex
    • It wasn’t until I met my now husband, D, that I began to understand the worth of my body and the value of sex. In reaction to my experience, I was not seeking God when we began dating and I regret that our relationship became sexual prior to marriage. Surprisingly though, our sex life was more intimate and tender than I’d ever experienced in my previous marriage. D wouldn’t let me refer to it by anything other than “making love”. He gently showed me how much he valued my body, even (or especially) those “gross parts” I had loathed for so long.
    • I began to explore my sexuality with fervor. After pursuing Christian books on the topic years prior, I found they lacked practical instruction and application. So, I started reading secular books, articles, blogs; I took courses, listened to podcasts, and generally immersed myself to understand how my body and the male body worked. My pursuits gave me a level of confidence in the bedroom. I eventually was able to feel competent in understanding how men think and how their bodies work.
    • With gentle D, my insecurities began to melt away and I learned to feel free, sexy, and vulnerable for the benefit of our marriage.
    • Now as I have repented and am pursuing God wholeheartedly, I want to give a way for other wives to avoid my pain and struggle, or to find the way out of it.
    • Now, I teach women to be passionate and confident in their marriages, understanding very practically, God’s holy design for sex (and oral sex).
  • 2) Oral Sex In A Patriarchal Society
  • Different But Equal
    • Outside of the bedroom, I am grateful that in my marriage each of our strengths and passions are honored, regardless of cultural expectations. My husband is passionate about family and parenting. He is very content to spend mornings with our children while I pursue my writing, podcasting and teaching. He is a wonderful cook as well and often contributes to our family through meals. I am naturally a planner and organizer. So, I generally take care of our budget, paperwork, and bills. Our strengths complement each other in many areas and we’re able to live content this way.
    • I realize this is not the case in many marriages. Many wives are expected to do far more than their fair share. In our household, we’re all thankful for our feminist mothers who fought and won a level of equality for women. There is certainly more work to be done before men and women are treated equal in our society, however. A wife is often expected to serve her husband through housework, childcare, and other family duties. Usually that same woman is working full-time and is just as exhausted at the end of the day as her husband, but her work continues.
  • So, Why Another Job?
    • Why give women one more thing to do for their husbands i.e. peni? Don’t women have enough on their plates? Shouldn’t men be giving their wives some oral appreciation? The answer is: yes. Men should be. They should be learning to give their wives pleasure and generously loving them in the bedroom. They should also be shouldering the housework, childcare, and other family responsibilities.
    • I teach women, however, because I believe a wife’s proactive service in this area can encourage her husband to work hard to meet her needs in response.
  • Refocus and Reprioritize
    • The way I see it, women can do something that significantly impacts the marriage for the good. It is important to realize when I’m talking about wives serving their husbands in the bedroom, I’m talking about your marriage. I am not talking about the society as a whole. There are men who take advantage of women, objectifying and degrading women, and who unfairly expect the world from their wives and give nothing in return. Is that your husband? If it’s not, then why wouldn’t you want to delight him in the bedroom?
    • There is wisdom in assessing your own marriage against the societal norm to determine if changes need to be made. However, I encourage you not to be paranoid and deprive your husband, just because others in our society are misunderstanding the true equality that women possess in marriage.
    • Ultimately, we want a life-long, happy, passionate, and fulfilling marriage. Isn’t our aim to “have and to hold, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part”? Each partner has a part to play in achieving this goal. You are not the only part of this equation, but you are the only part that you can control. It is your responsibility to take the action you can take towards this goal.
  • Different Needs, Same Goal
    • Instead of focusing on what is fair or who is doing more in the marriage (or more specifically, in the bedroom), we should refocus on meeting each others’ highest priority desires. When I think of my highest priority desires in our marriage it would probably be:
      • a) supportive and attentive listener,
      • b) generous with affection,
      • c) happy to help me physically,
      • d) emotionally available,
      • e) kind and strong character,
      • f) hard worker and provider and
      • g) spiritually faithful.
    • I am most content in our marriage if these are met. When they aren’t, I feel alone, sad, and even desperate. My husband is aware of these desires and thankfully seeks to meet them daily.
    • My husband’s highest priority desires are different. Some overlap to an extent. I believe I’m pretty close if I sum his chief ones as needing to be:
      • a) honored,
      • b) respected,
      • c) encouraged,
      • d) understood, and
      • e) sexually desired and gratified.
      • If I quizzed him I might find more, but these are generally the essentials for him to feel content in our marriage.
    • You and your husband also have particular needs. I would encourage you to think seriously about yours and his. I’d guess if you’ve continued listening this far, you agree that your husband has strong sexual needs. Though I would feel uncontent without sex in our marriage, it may catch up with me after a couple of weeks. Like most men, my husband would feel distracted, dissatisfied, and even despairing after just a couple of days. Feeling fulfilled sexually is a high-priority need for him.
  • Do What You Can Control
    • Instead of thinking about whether he is giving to you sexually as much as you give to him, I would encourage you to be thinking about if your highest desires are being filled and if you are filling his. If your marriage is on rocky ground right now, it may be because of a cycle of needs going unmet. Namely, he doesn’t meet your highest priority desires so you respond by not meeting his. It goes on like this to the destruction of a marriage.
    • The only one thing you can do to break the cycle: begin generously meeting his highest priority desires. If you are doing more of the serving in the bedroom for a time while your marriage climbs to a better place, that’s ok. There probably needs to be a season of unification between the two of you through frequent physical intimacy. After your relationship is in a little bit of a better spot, you can address the difficult topics, i.e. his being more generous in the bedroom. At that point he will feel more fulfilled and eager to meet your desires as well.
  • Fabulous Way To Meet His Desires
    • It is an act of love that touches him deeply, on an emotional level. When my husband holds me and listens to me through tears and vulnerability, I feel loved in the deepest part of my heart. Take a minute to consider a time you have felt deeply loved by your husband. Now realize that serving him in this way probably gives him that level of fulfillment.
      • I have briefly outlined some of the top reasons many men enjoy peni as much or even more than penetration.
      • a) You’re In Command- Performance anxiety plagues many men in the bedroom. He can relax and let you take charge.
      • b) Visual- Depending on your position and attire, the experience provides him with very gratifying views which are incredibly pleasing to his eyes.
      • c) Being Served- Just as we all enjoy being doted on, it is especially enjoyable for his wife to consider his likes and deliver accordingly. It is also a wonderful joy for you to know what makes him go wild and bring him to magnificent bliss.
      • d) No Risk of Pregnancy- Depending on the season of your marriage, he may enjoy this sexual activity without risk.
      • e) Feels Great- Many intimate options are enjoyable for him, but your mouth, lips and tongue provide a variety of unique and wonderful sensations.
      • f) Makes Him Feel Like A King- All little boys have dreams of adventure and conquest. Little boys grow into men who still desire to win on the field, in the board room, or at the poker table. Serving him in this way makes his “winning-meter” go way up.
      • g) Feel Wanted/Sexy- It shows him how much you are physically attracted to him.
      • h) Honoring His Essence- No thing has he treasured more since boyhood, the penis is the defining feature of a man. Realize this act of love touches him deeply, on an emotional level. When my husband holds me and listens to me through tears and vulnerability, I feel loved in the deepest part of my heart. Take a minute to consider a time you have felt deeply loved by your husband. Now realize that serving in this way probably gives him that level of fulfillment.
  • Why Do I Teach Oral Sex?
    • The psychology required, knowledge of his body, and understanding of his stages of arousal are important in getting him to incredible ecstasy. If a wife becomes wonderfully competent in this area, she has all the foundation needed for a lifelong passionate intimacy. She has the ability to arrest the cycle of hurt and imbue her marriage with deeply felt affection and love. The rewards of serving her husband in peni may be far greater than she can imagine. Just give your husband a chance to appreciate you for such a generous display of love for him. You may be surprised the results for yourself, your husband and your marriage.