If you’ve hung around Delight Your Marriage for very long, you know that I think frequent intimacy is important, if not vital, to the health of your marriage. Regardless of who wants it more, who is the initiator, or who may generally accept the invitation, the key is to make sure this experience is happening a lot.
What is holding you back?
If this is not what your marriage sounds like, it’s time to dig inside and find out why. Is it that you don’t think it’s that important? Or are you insecure in your body and therefore would not enjoy the activities? Or do you have so many rules around the experience that there just is never the time or energy to make it happen? I’d like to dive into each of these concerns with you.
Is It All That Important?
a- God Designed It
God made sex very special. It is the most intimate experience one can experience with another human. It is something that people are fascinated by even in childhood, and God made it that way. He designed this incredible connection to be enjoyed in the context of marriage to pull a husband and wife closer together to each other than any other person. It’s incredible even in the midst of an imperfect marriage. Even when tensions are high, sex can still be involved in the situation to help to assuage and even encourage forgiveness. It is truly a unique experience that God highly esteems in your marriage. “And the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh” (Mark 10:8).
b- Higher Priority Than The Rest
Kiddos, appointments, your work, extracurricular activities etc are all very important to the health of your life. However, your marriage is highest priority human relationship. Yes, if you love your kids, you should love your husband, first. I am a child of divorce and though there were serious issues in their marriage when together, I often imagine the joy the whole family would’ve enjoyed if they were somehow able to get through their issues.
Sex is an opportunity where you both can have an enjoyable experience and feel such love for eachother. It gives you the opportunity to remember why and how you love each other. It is a physical and chemical release that brings you both together in the most unique and powerful way. Yes, sex is very important to your marriage.
Should You Listen To Your Insecurities?
a- You May Struggle With Your Body Image
I am with you sister, I do not have the perfect body. I have struggled accepting my weight and body proportions since I can remember. I was excited to graduate from elementary school to go to middle school because there students walk between classrooms. I was sure with all that walking, I’d lose weight in middle school. A little later in life, I struggled with eating disorders and have generally had issues feeling comfortable in my own skin.
That was my childhood self. Maybe yours is similar. But as adults we can reason through those fears and recognize they are inappropriate concerns in our marriages. My husband (and yours) is incredibly moved by the visual of the female body. Your body is wonderfully enjoyable to his eyes. God designed it this way. The curves of your body that may even be a point of concern for you in the mirror, turn him on!
b- Made With Care
Do not denigrate your own body. It is beautiful. Your Lord designed you. You are His masterpiece. He has even the hairs on your head numbered (Luke 12:7). Your physicality is valuable to Him. Marinating your mind in the truths of God’s word, will help you to silence the fears from the enemy. Your body is not only “good enough”, it is wonderfully crafted and carefully designed according to your Father’s good pleasure.
Your husband was designed to enjoy your body. God gave your hubby a significant gift of His own handiwork when He gave you to your husband. Your husband enjoys your body. And sister, keep in mind, a secure woman is even more attractive. Drop the “am I good enough?” face and prance nude before your husband with fierce confidence!
We choose to focus away from fear and on faith all the time. It is necessary for us to walk under a bridge, live in a house, drive a car etc. Yes, each of these activities have their risks that we could focus on. But, in order to have a peaceful life, we must not be fear-focused. Apply that habit to your body insecurities. Focus on the purpose of making love: to increase unity and joy in your marriage, for lifelong intimacy.
When you’re thinking about the purpose of the activity, it helps you decide not to focus on the fear. So what if you don’t look like a supermodel? What does that have to do with having a fulfilling and enjoyable marriage? Stop letting yourself think about those things. Focus on what is important and relevant in your marriage to get past your insecurity and into the arms of your beloved hubby.
What If I’m Not Ready?
a- Too Many Rules
Are you waiting to make love when you feel turned on? When the house is spotless? When he brings you a bouquet of flowers? When you’ve lost the pesky 10lbs? When you have a 2-hour timeslot? When the kids are away for the weekend? When you’ve showered, shaved, spritzed and plucked? If you’re waiting for it all to be perfect, you’ll be waiting a long time meanwhile your marriage is eroding.
I get that somethings make us feel more in the mood. I encourage you to figure out what those things are and try to get them done, so you can feel sexy and free. But, don’t forget to make love while you’re in the process of doing those things. Yes, 2 months from now when you’re on vacation, you’ll be able to fully relax and enjoy amazing, world-shifting orgasms with your honey. But, maybe in the meantime, you can still be making love even if it they’re a little less mind-blowing. It is worth it to take away some of your rules in order to make love. It might not be “perfect” sex, but it’ll still show your husband you love him and you will enjoy it too.
b- Just Starting Is Key
If you’ve gotten a little out of practice of making love frequently, the best thing to do is start. If you accidently fell into a rut of making love twice a month, just give yourself a kick in the pants to start initiating every other day. Just see what a difference it’ll make in your relationship to start. It is just like beginning a routine at the gym. It takes some effort and even will-power in the beginning. (It is ok, if that is the case in your marriage.) But once you get into it, you miss the days you’re not able to steal away and get on the elliptical. The key is to start and get back in a habit of frequent lovemaking.
c- It’ll Get Better Once You Get Back On Track
Yes, it can be awkward in the beginning. It can even start awkwardly sometimes. (You may want to check out these ideas to make starting less awkward). That is ok. What’s the harm in looking silly in front of the person who knows you and loves you more than any other human? He’s safe. You can be awkward in front of him. He will love your effort. As you get back into a frequent routine, things will get easier.
Remember, love making can mean a lot of intimate things. Feel free to let it be varied. There is not one right way to connect on a sexual level. You can enjoy each other in many ways. Feel free to explore and delight. Just do it frequently!