95-S: Gain Confidence In The Bedroom with Belah Rose

Insecurity steals the good things God desires for us. It can rob us of our God-given calling, a life-giving marriage, and a fulfilling sex life (just to name a few). Confidence is vital, in and out of the bedroom. I think there are a lot of reasons we as women need to learn to be confident. It matters, to ourselves, to our husbands and I believe to God. I’ll share why, and exactly what I think you can do to be more confident.

You’ll Discover:

Why I was wrong about confidence.
Why it’s so hard to be confident in marital intimacy (harder than sex outside of marriage!)
How to become more confident in your sexuality
- Spiritual confidence
- Body confidence
- Knowledge confidence
Why being a confident woman is so important to God.

Scripture/Quote:

Romans 12:2
- Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Psalms 139
- all about God’s opinion of us, worth memorizing the sections that speak to you!
Proverbs 31:10 (different than the typical translation, “woman of valor”)
- A woman of valour who can find? For her price is far above rubies.
Proverbs 31:25
- She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

Resources:

So Long Insecurity Beth Moore’s book that gives great insights and practical how-tos to become more confident in life
Why We Get Fat has really changed the way I see my eating habits and given me scientific understandings that have allowed me to change my food habits which has given me quite a lot more confidence.

Transcript: (see below)

Thanks for listening! I hope you are encouraged to live in wholehearted intimacy!

Love,

Belah

—

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Transcript: (basically)

Confidence is vital
- confidence is the difference between going for something AND just staying put
- confidence is the difference in sharing a vulnerable feeling AND hiding then bottling it
- confidence is the difference between being willing to try a new skill or way of thinking AND sticking to your opinion or current ways of being regardless of how negative or destructive
- now a bit more saucy…
- confidence is the difference between giving that flirtatious, inviting glance AND walking the other direction
- confidence is the difference between delighting your husband with a visual feast AND remaining quiet with the lights off under the covers
- confidence is the difference between seducing your husband with a sensuous dance in racy lingerie AND waiting for him to make a move
truthfully I can relate to all of these on both sides
Growing up, I thought I knew a lot about confidence
- I was the girl that would get on the tallest horse we had
- I would lead the afterschool prayer meeting
- I was the worship leader for my youthgroup
- I was the one who wanted to be a doctor, then lawyer, then healer of a broken world
- I was the one who aspired to do great things in corporate world
- I was the one who gave speeches
I was wrong about confidence
- I thought confidence was relying on yourself or your own capabilities
- I did
- I heartily believed in myself, to a fault
  - I have made major mistakes due to my confident proclivities
I still don’t think I know all I need to know about confidence but I believe I’ve discovered quite a bit more than I did and I’d like to share it
There’s confidence in the bedroom and there’s confidence out of it
- movies would have us believe that the two are incredibly different
  - you can be insecure and clumsy in the living room but once you enter the sexual space you are a fierce sex kitten
  - that may be true for some but I have a different opinion
- Confidence is not what you see in the movies or x-rated films.
  - a woman can pretend in front of a camera
  - a woman can fake it temporarily
  - a woman can even put on selff-assuredness for a while
- But the female heart can not sustain a life of pretense
  - not in a lifelong relationship ie marriage
- The truth shows up
  - whether we want it to or not, our inner selves leak out
    - this may look like
      - the woman who, after marriage, essentially swears off sex because she’s tired of pretending
        
        the truth is she can get to a place where the confidence is well-founded and where she enjoys feeling free and relaxed in being herself in bed
      - or the woman who never initiates and just waits until her husband finishes, never venturing into discovering her own pleasure in the experience
        
        the truth is he craves for her to want the experience. And she can delight in the exchange just as fully
      - or in my case, the woman who struggles to hide her eating (or another destructive behavior) because she’s sure her husband would find her repulsive
        
        the truth is he knows and can sense more than you realize and probably already has a hunch. but more importantly he’s waiting with open-arms to accept you and love you through it
- One thing I love about making love, in marriage,
  - is that it’s an opportunity for us to become a better person.
- to the unmarried..
  - confidence is just a game of hiding what doesn’t make us look good
  - it’s all an act, all a facade, it’s just skin-deep
  - that’s why casual hookups are so popular
    - it’s all fake
    - no one brings who they really are
      - their bad habits, their selfishness, their struggles
    - no
    - they just engage in a fantasy, until slowly the the truth surfaces (many don’t even wait for that) and they move onto the next fantasy
    - but in reality this cycle is puruit of a fairyland, disassociates that person farther and farther away from understanding true confidence and deep security
- but to the wife, confidence is a woman who…
  - 1-understands and draws her value from her Creator, God
  - 2-discovers and practices what makes her feel good in her heart & body
  - 3-comprehends and supports what makes her husband feel good in body and heart
- Sex makes us better women?
  - Rough morning.
    - My husband had to wake up early to go work. He usually works in the evenings so this was my turn to wake up with the kids at 7am. I was a ridiculous mess. Did I change, clothe and feed my precious toddlers? I hope so. It’s all a foggy blur. I think we ate grilled cheese sandwiches for breakfast. It had been a string of less than productive days and I could tell my attitude was becoming more negative. Then cartoons while I tried not to snooze on the couch, though I probably wasn’t trying too hard since I went and got a pillow and blanket from my bed. This went on for a few hours til a dear friend asked if we’d go on a play date. We did and she and my son had a marvelous time playing in the snow, at the coffee shop then at the library. It was an eventful morning. I had the space to share my heart with this friend. And though it didn’t “fix” any of my woes, I felt heard, understood and less alone. Then we went home, and I put my boys down for naps. My sister called and we talked about lots of different things till the subject moved to future plans and goals. I lit up like a Christmas tree. Suddenly, I was talking about ideas I’ve had for a while but I’ve not expressed. I felt great when I hung up. Our conversation had reminded me of some reading I did in college and I decided to crack open one of my philosophy books I had kept. Now armed with new enlightened ways of thinking I realized I had just enough time for a shower. After drying off I heard the key in the lock and was elated to see my hubby come through the door. What started with playful kisses turned into passion. From there we had a wonderful time together. It had been a while since I’d felt so free and fierce and had so much fun.
    - Why did this subpar day turn into a delightful passion-ful Bedroom Confidence? Because I felt great. And it was easy to share my excitement and enthusiasm with my hubby.
    - Things got better in my life, and that made me more confident in the sack.
  - The reason sex makes us better people is because the woman who feels good about herself wants to make love. But women are sensitive, intuitive, astute, careful beings who do not effortlessly feel good. I think it takes effort for women to feel good about themselves. It isn’t quickly or naturally achieved. I believe God may use her sensitive nature to bring she and her husband into alignment. A women is not pleased when things in her life aren’t happening in a way that she desires. She doesn’t feel good if she doesn’t feel healthy or vital in her body.
  - Sure we’ve all heard jokes about these peculiarities of women’s sexuality. But have we stopped berating ourselves for not being sexy/in the mood enough to understand why God made us this way
  - A man sees something to get turned on, a woman needs to feel good about herself to get turned on
  - Sex is such a fundamental part of a man’s well-being and yet women so often feel incapable of meeting those desires because of their confidence
Why I wanted to talk about this:
- I wanted to talk about confidence because it underlies everything that happens in sexual intimacy with your spouse.
  - and is often at the heart of a woman’s resistance to making love with her husband.
- And the difference between a woman feeling confident in bed and her not feeling confident is night and day. When she can be herself and express herself sensually, she feels amazing to both her husband and herself.
- Bedroom Confidence is vital to a fulfilling sex life. If you are not confident you aren’t allowing yourself to be fully known, fully expressed.
- Confidence lets you go for it. While insecurity holds you back. Insecurities rob you of pleasure and passion.
- You don’t have anything to gain w insecurity
  - but you have much to lose, so much
  - your calling
  - a passionate, fulfilling marriage
  - your peace
- Confidence is a discipline. It requires work and it requires effort. Some of us have less work to do because of our upbringing or our natural personalities. But we can all grow in confidence. “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”
- Understand it’s God’s plan for them to have confidence in the bedroom
A woman confident in her love making is a woman who
- understands her value,
- has discovered her sexual cues,
- has comprehended her husband’s manhood, and
- delights in the pleasure she is giving and receiving.
What confidence is in marriage
- It’s harder to be confident when you’re married. He knows you. All of you. Nothing to hide. It’s good if you lean into it. It’s paralyzing if you refuse.
- Sex makes us better women
No you cannot go back and change what has happened to you or why you think and feel the way you do… but as adults we have to take responsibility of your own healing.
- -Knowing what God thinks of you
- -Knowing who you are and what makes you feel good a) in your heart b) in your body
- -Knowing who your husband is and what makes him feel good a) in his heart b) in his body
- You are worthy of adoration. You are not gross. You are a beloved child of the most high. You deserve to be adored because the Master crafted you. If you could only know how
How to work with your husband on growing your confidence
- Can’t rely on men for your sense of value. Men are infinitely more attracted to a secure woman than an emotional wreck.
- You’re a team. If you aren’t feeling good about yourself work with your husband to get to feeling that way.
- Embracing who she is is strength. Embracing her desires and feelings is confidence
- Stop giving other people the power only God should wield over us.
- Beleiving that she is enough
How do we get to be more confident?
- I think confidence is vital to a fulfilling sex life
- it affects everything but it also is affected by quite a lot
- and of course there are different areas of confidence
  - 1- spiritual confidence
    - Why does God want you to be confident? A short Bible lesson on confidence
      - Insecurities is masked unbelief
        
        not believing God really is your daddy
        
        not believing you are His masterpiece
        
        not believing you have a purpose that far outweighs the view in the mirror or the roll on your jeans or the lack of curves you wish were there
        
        not believing God cares far more about your heart than anything else
      - “a virtuous woman who can find?”—is best translated, “a woman of valor
        
        valor: great courage in the face of danger, especially in battle.
        
        synonyms: bravery, courage, nerve, daring, fearlessness, audacity, boldness,dauntlessness, stout-heartedness, heroism, backbone, spirit; true grit, spunk; moxie
      - Strength and dignity are her clothing; and she laugheth at the time to come. Prov 31:25
        
        strength and dignity
        
        Comparison is not strength. Picking out and focusing on your faults is not dignity.
        
        instead it robs you of focus, of energy of courage to do what God wants you to do
      - Solomon’s wife had Bedroom Confidence
        
        you’ll notice when you go back to the Song of Solomon the wife is generally the one pursuing her husband sexually… check it out, she’s got some kind of Bedroom Confidence!
      - Godly affirmations:
        
        Studies show that we make an argument supporting our own statement. So state scriptural truths about yourself.
        
        I am a holy, clean, precious child of God.
        
        I am valued above every other creation.
        
        I was designed with care and mastery.
        
        My features are beautiful and cherish-worthy.
        
        I am desirable to my husband.
        
        My body is God’s masterpiece
        
        I am beautiful, sexy and sensuous
        
        I love my husband’s touch
        
        If you’re a little queasy on what affirmations to say, fine just use Psalms 139
    - this is vital
    - I think a lot of Christians misunderstand sex and have taught it in a way that hasn’t been helpful
    - if you don’t understand God’s view of your marriage bed, you are bound to feel insecure in the midst
      - that being said, because not enough Christians are talking about sex, there’s not a lot of guidance on what is biblically ok and what is not
        
        and God has boundaries in the Bible, very clearly laid out
        
        and I know Christians who are sexual outside of those and they’re bound to have issues
        
        the good news is there’s a whole lot of room within the boundaries God gives for us to have a lot of intimate fun with our spouse
      - the problem is if you don’t know what God says about it, you might be nervous that you’re on the wrong side, even when you’re not
  - 2- body confidence
    - how you feel about your body
    - and there are lots of things you can do to feel better about your body
      - treat your body well in your mind
      - stop looking at your reflection
      - say affirmations that describe a good, beautiful, sexy, desirable body
      - treat your body well in your actions
        
        we all know exercising is good for us, but instead of exercising to lose weight (turns out it actually doesn’t do as much for weightloss as many think), exercise to make you feel better in your own skin
        
        stop treating your body like it’s a garbage can
  - 3- knowledge confidence
    - a- understanding yourself- heart & body
      - what turns you on
      - what do you like in love making
      - how does your body respond to certain thoughts, words, and carresses
    - b- understanding your husband – heart & body
      - getting good, solid scientific guidance on how his body works
      - and just as importantly, understanding how his mind works in regards to sex
        
        men see sex very differently than women
        
        it’s been said many times on my podcast
        
        men love through sex;
        
        and if you don’t see his advances as loving that’s the first problem
    - c- understanding how to do bedroom activities
      - I was lost in this for a long time
      - most of us learned sex the wrong way
        
        not through kind, secure parents
        
        but through x-rated material
        
        and I’ll talk about next the spiritual implications that has
      - but if you’re not fully comfortable in understanding the how-tos of certain sexual activities you’re not going to feel confident
4-So your video course is about oral sex, why did you focus it on that part of intimacy? (copy)
- because it’s hard to talk about
- because studies show husbands want that even more than intercourse
- because no other Christian resource goes into it in depth
- because once you become confident in pleasing your husband through oral sex, you will have all the know-how and mindset needed to enjoy every other aspect of intimacy
- because when I’m really tired, or sick, or on my period, I’m SO grateful there’s a way to connect with my hubby without exerting the effort making love can take
5-Your course is called Delight Your Husband, have you had women ask you why it’s all about serving her husband? Why don’t you offer help to men in serving their wives? (copy)
- -Yes. I think there are two ways to look at it that are helpful.
  - 1-We as wives only have control over ourselves. We can only be proactive and find out what we can change in our marriage.
    - in fact when I spend my time and energy learning about all the ways my husband COULD be serving me but isn’t, it takes me farther away from him. More angry, more resentful…and it doesn’t fix anything, because–if there’s anything I’ve learned in marriage, it’s that I can’t change him.
    - so it’s really that we only can control us. we can only change us.
    - and isn’t it God’s way, that He teaches me to love, first.
      - Jesus is the best example. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
      - So if He can take the first step and die for you when you were still a sinner
      - Can’t you take the first step towards your husband, towards the man who married,
      - who you pledged to love til death do us part?
  - 2-When you understand your husband, YOU feel better in sex. You can enjoy it confidently because you know what’s going on in his mind and body.
    - you know how he works, and you know how to work him
    - and I’m telling you what ladies, it’s a heck of a lot more fun when you know you know how to make him crazy…that’s a powerful feeling