Podcast: Play in new window | Download
This is Part 3 of Why we became romantic. I was a generous wife in intimacy and I felt loved in some areas, but I didn’t feel loved outside of the bedroom. The romance on dates, the random gifts, the consistent compliments, the surprises etc were missing.
(Part 1 is more of the theory behind it and Part 2 is the beginning of my discussion with my husband that exemplifies this process.)
- Being happy and pleasable makes my husband motivated to plan and give me big surprises
- My husband takes note of “I would like” but rejects specific commands.
- “Its not what you say, its the way you say it.”
- Deciding where to focus, the negatives are easy to remember.
- When you say it, it stays in the records. Encouragement “erases” the bad
- Before I surrendered I was in charge of the finances, and now that he is, we’re much happier (less stress for me and more confidence for him)
- I am closest to my husband so I can affect him the most: in your self-conception, who you are in the world
Ultimately, Belah’s husbands feel her changes caused the marriage to change. Caused him to change.
Resources: Emotionally Healthy Relationships Course; Financial Peace University, Surrendered Wife
Transcript
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah. Rose.
0:19
All right, welcome to the show. Now, I don’t know if you have listened in before. But this is the delight your marriage podcast, delight your marriage podcast. And it is really about moving your marriage into a space where you become more of the person that you are meant to be, where you become more of you, and he becomes more of him. And you both have the freedom to realize your best selves, to serve the most in your community. To love God, the most love your kids the most, to be in your job the best to pursue your passions the most. I really do believe that when your marriage is in the place that God ultimately wants it to be, you can be that free, you can feel that amount of. Yeah, fulfillment there. And the thing that it does is, it’s not an end to itself, you don’t want to just get to a great marriage. And that’s the purpose of life. It’s not. And I hope that’s not what you take away from this podcast. But it is a road, it is a vehicle. It is a health. Giving a life giving vehicle that provides you to go to these different places in your life gives you the support that foundational love. And, you know, one thing my husband and I actually were just talking about is, you know, some place in my heart that there’s a vulnerability and uncomfortable discomfort that I needed to talk through and understand more. And because I love him so much, and I feel his freedom and safety in our marriage, I do have that space to talk through, I do have that space to grow and understand myself and where I can learn more and where I need to go to God for get advice or get mentorship or process it through elsewhere. And like I said, if I didn’t have that space in my marriage, I wouldn’t have that ability to go process with someone because it wouldn’t be safe. So that’s just a little example of what a great marriage can be like that we’re now on part three of why he became romantic. And my husband has become a really romantic man, not just taking me out on dates, but thinking of me. And surprisingly, for example, just today, and I turned around because looking to see if he’s smiling, which he is just today, he came home and I guess he went a special way downtown. We live in New York City. And so he came home a special way. And he swung by Trader Joe’s which is not easy to get to from where we live. And because he thought of me, he got my favorite organic coconut milk, and this special green drink that make sure we don’t get sick during flu season. So fritzy special that he surprised me just today. But like I said he was not like this in the least I would used to feel like he probably would never think of me I used to constantly be in so much pain because he it’s like, it’s like he never even thought of me. He wouldn’t take me out. He wouldn’t give me compliments. Or say I was doing a good job or give me back rubs or any of those things that I really desired hugs, kisses holding my hand. He didn’t do any of those things. And it was really painful. Because I saw other people getting this kind of treatment. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t my husband do those things for me? And so, here’s, you know, the next part of my interview with my husband to find out what were the changes I Bella made that ultimately made changes in him. It’s pretty cool. So let’s listen
4:58
Can I ask you about How you used to feel about events, special events like my anniversary, or like birthday or holidays, or all those things like, what were you feeling like before I surrendered?
5:17
I was feel like, Oh, I was feel so stress really so stressed because I feel I saw stress when coming with planning. And I feel like I have to I have to surprise you with something that I don’t. That’s not my thing. And I seen people like taking their wives, whatever, to a trip to another country or other state. And, you know, by the way, those kids, those couples that don’t have kids, that’s what they do. And I’m like, how these two little ones? Yeah, so that’s another thing you had to think about it. And I just felt anxiety, pressure, stress, all those things. And by the time we or I do something, I am not enjoying it. I am stress. I don’t want to be here, Bob, because she wants to be here. So I had to be there. In the cell, I fail when, you know, when your birthday or? or things like that, you know? What’s the on February 14, Valentine’s Day, all those things I feel like I had to do. But then you helped me, you helped me. And you helped me to doesn’t have to be that day. Because of whether the kids are work, you know, feel like, you know what, for example, when I say, you know, can we do this they hand like sure and and you’re telling me those had to be spend all this money and be happy if you you know, do these things, all this stuff. And then when we go outside, you know, I feel a little better. And then you tell me Oh, I would like to go one day with this thing. And I’m like, take notes in my mind. Now or sometimes take a picture with my phone. And I’m like, Okay, so maybe the next I don’t know, whatever happens, you know, we keep walking. Now I would like to go this way. I like to go one day to see you don’t tell me I want this on my birthday. I want this anniversary. I want this unbalances you don’t tell me those things. I think that’s what helps me. Yeah. Because he told me that you would like to go Yeah, he knows. So it’s up to me that when we can make that happen? Yeah. Well, you already told me that you would like to go you’re not you’re not telling me when you want to go.
7:53
So I’m not forcing you. Right? You’re
7:55
not forcing me to, to. So I want to I want to go this to this restaurant. And I feel like so she wants to go I guess a better plan. And with the kids, he has figured out how and she wants to go so I guess we have to go in here his dress comes here’s the pressure comes. I can sleep headaches and all those things. Really, it was not bad. It was you know, I feel like when that is the way they say it. And whether you say it changes it, just use your ask the same thing. But how you ask? Yeah, how you ask? I think you know for you know when you said like, Oh, I really would like to go this way. And then in my mind, I praise that for the record and now I know all these things. And that’s why I think you told him about our anniversary. Yes, so that’s what happens with our anniversary.
8:52
What was it like to plan our anniversary?
8:55
Oh man, I felt I felt like the easiest thing really feel like telling me I feel like because it was our anniversary and your birthday. Yeah, so I couldn’t decide which one we want to do it I’m like I already have something in my mind that we had never done this and she will love this in a normal way loves sunset. So how can let’s see sunsets in something that never done this even simple thing right? I can bring chairs and sit on the park I’m not sure it’d be happy with Yeah, you know, because I don’t I know my wife that she simple lady that she loves them be grateful for everything. Yeah, but in that more amaze me to, to how do you say to plan this thing? That’s what I’m like trying to figure it out. Let’s see, which they those are too late. It doesn’t have to be too early. Yeah. Because she has to work the next day. And so she can see the sunset. So I look at all this stuff, you know, check all this stuff. Make sure everything is fine and I tell you, that’s one of the happiest times that I felt like, not pressure. I was excited. Well, I think that was the first time. You know, probably all the times. But I think this is one of the first time that I was extremely excited. Yeah. He’s so excited that but I did it by myself. Yeah, no, I’m sure friends will will help me. Yeah. Which friends that as I tell other my friends that I said like, my wife’s birthday Bob lines, like scheming someone ideas, you know, because I know it’s hard for me to get strolls, anxiety, that planning, but and then, you know, just give ideas and my wife is telling me like, I would like to go this. And that, all that together. I feel like it helped me so much. And that’s what I’m like, wow, sure, like this, all this stuff. And I’m like, excited. I’m like, Okay, two more days. You know, and my wife loves to guess where she’s want to go. Hmm. So she’s guessing this is going to be our tie, is they want to be inside is going to be food and ball is going to be dancing ball. Is it going to be wine? No. Is it want to be whatever? Yeah. And I tell my wife is like, just to tell you that I cannot go there without you. I cannot get in without you. If you’re not current with me, I can’t go it. I can’t get in. You know, you’re like, what is that? I am hungry. And I’m like, well just want to be food. And then you start thinking about like, Oh, I gotta I gotta stop because she’s already started guessing. And I’m excited. Yeah. And that’s, I think that’s one of the times that I feel the most excited, happy, enjoy the whole thing. Enjoy you. You know, I’m sure you told your listeners about what we did and what I did and all this stuff.
11:49
Yeah, I was gonna say, kind of going back to what you were saying at first, like the way it used to be, was, from my perspective, it sounds like from your perspective, it was a lot of stress. There’s a lot of anxiety. And then what you ended up doing was really never good enough for me. And that’s what made it so stressful the next time because you’re like, it really doesn’t matter. She’s gonna hate it anyway. Anyway, I’m gonna do my best, but it’s gonna be terrible. And so you’re anxious that it’s gonna be a terrible night? Because you’re trying, you’re trying
12:23
and all I can hide is it wasn’t a good compliment, not compliment. It wasn’t a good feedback. Yeah, not good feedback. Yeah, totally. And all the feedback is like, man, as a husband, you will keep that if especially comes from your wife, right? Because nobody knows except your nobody knows you. Nobody knows even your mom. I think your mom, your Mama knows me. Only when I was 14 years old after that it’s different. You know, you go what you think us best. And my mom doesn’t know me now, and I think my wife knows me better than anybody else. Yeah, she knows where I can get hurt the most. And she knows how I can be loved the most. Yeah, he now can be caring, and respect the most. And I think that’s, that’s why I feel like that kind of like stopping me of like, doing those things that I have to do or how to do better with this thing, all this stuff. You know, and you’re like, whatever it is, I’ll be happy. Whatever it is, yeah. You know, instead of like, I want this, I want to spend $200 on this. Because I don’t, I don’t care. I just wanted this. And I felt okay, I don’t really want to spend this money. Because by the way, I’m in charge of the finances,
13:45
which I love. Because it’s a huge stress relief. It’s a huge stress relief, and my husband has become really, really good at it. He’s taking it so seriously, he did a financial class, you know, and that’s not something he grew up or took classes in before. We made that change, but he now does it and does an amazing job.
14:10
Thank you. He always compliment like, I don’t deserve this compliments every time. He says you’re amazing. And I feel like I that’s that word is too big for me. Overweight you tell me like you’re crazy. You’re you know, crew father. I feel like those words are too big for me. Yeah, you know, but that doesn’t mean like, I mean, it’s like thank you for knowing those things. Yeah, thank you for telling me those things. Yeah, I’m not saying like Don’t tell me those things. No, no man will love those things. And I feel like man love those things means that the wife acknowledge those things. You know, for example, when you say like, thank you so much for for doing laundry and I thought My wife did not know that I was doing laundry. I just thought she knows that there’s clean clothes. And she has the kitchen is clean by itself. You know why she told me Joseph things, thank you for the laundry, thank you for cleaning. Thank for taking care of the kids. And I feel like my wife knows that, that I am doing something. Because before feels, I feel like I had to do something. Otherwise she thinks that she thinks that I’m not doing anything. Hmm. So I have to keep cleaning something. I don’t know. And I feel I had to tell her, Oh, I cleaned the bathroom, I clean the room, or clean the kitchen. Otherwise, she she will notice because that never hurts. She’s saying thank you for doing this things. And now, you know, she tells me you know, I just wonder the whole world or everybody else to know that you’re amazing. In that that was too big for me because I still make mistakes, and I will make mistakes and I made mistakes. I am making mistakes, and I will make mistakes. And but I feel more encouraged to do better for my family for you forgot. And yes, I will make mistakes. You know, sometimes I’ll make you or hurt you. You know, when I feel the worse husband? I feel like all the amazing man is not you know, it’s the worst now just her my wife. You know, but yeah, I just I don’t know just how things change. And I’m sure you can tell everybody how I was before.
16:45
Well, one thing before I talk about that, I did want to say one thing that I I love that you’ve told me before now and I’m so glad you mentioned it again here because I think it’s something I never really thought about was that I know you the best. I know you better than anyone better than your family better than your mom, your dad. I know you better than your friends. You know. And so what I say about who you are makes a difference to you? Absolutely. It affects the way you see you. It affects the way you see your contribution to this world affects the way you see yourself. In God’s eyes. It affects everything right? Yeah, absolutely. And like you said, I know your weaknesses. I know where I can hurt you. I know where you’re insecure. And so whether or not I am respecting you, when I am encouraging you if I don’t that’s going to make you feel like well, I’m not good enough, I’m obviously not doing well. Otherwise, she would have said something you know, or the opposite. You know, if she is saying good things about me, well, she knows me. And she’s telling me these things are amazing. These, these are the things that I am and and she knows she would she sees these things she knows when I’m, you know, terribly selfish or not or whatever. And turns out you’re very selfless. So that’s not
18:18
my mom, like go ahead and one that she ate about self less. Oh, your mom is very selfless. Yeah, caring about others. But something just came in my mind about what does own say. Something can in my mind about when
18:41
we’re thinking, think of it. Think of it? Yeah, I think that that’s just a huge one is just to realize that your spouse is who knows you the best. And one thing I think for me, when we were especially first married, was that I did want to change you. Oh, yes, I guess I did. I did. I thought that I had it figured out that I was a certain way. And those certain ways were better than the ways you work. And by God’s grace, my perspective has totally shifted. And it’s become you have certain strengths. And I have certain strengths. And my strengths are your weaknesses. And my weaknesses are your strengths. And it’s almost like I’m making this visual. If you’ve got you know, like kids, when they say I’m four years old, they have those four fingers sticking up. So if you do four fingers on one hand and four fingers on the other hand, and you think your strengths are your husband’s on the right hand side, and and then his strengths are on the left hand side. So then you’ve got them those two hands coming together locking inside of each other and it makes it totally connected. You Don’t have any gaps, any holes, when you’re totally connected with each other strengths. So if you recognize that he’s got strings that you don’t, you’ve got strings that he doesn’t, it’s all combining, connecting, unifying, strengthening each other. That’s the point it’s not to compete. It’s not to say, Well, I’m actually smarter than you are, I’m better than you in this or, you know, we should do it my way. Because I’ve got X, Y, and Z, you know, education, or my parents did it this way. And it was better see, they did better, whatever, my culture is better than yours, any of those things. It’s actually, it actually makes you weaker, you don’t have that strong connection, you know, you’ve got this. Like, if you can imagine those four fingers fighting over each other, you’ve got all these holes. But if you connect all the way through, it makes it like there’s no holes, you’re there’s no gaps, you’re totally making up for each other’s strengths. And you’re helping each other see their strengths. Because that’s another thing that I think you show me where I’m strong in places I didn’t even realize, like one thing you’re really strong in which I don’t think you realized, and areas that I’m definitely not as strong in is you can empathize with people, like you just someone is talking to you, and you can get right in there and feel what they’re feeling. And, you know, for me, I might hear where someone’s coming from, and I’m like, boom, I want to fix it. Let me get in there and fix their issue. And you’re like, let me just connect and let them know that I hear them and the pain they’re going through. And I find that amazing. And you show me and you teach me all the time. You know, the things that I’m missing when I tell you about someone’s story. And the first thing is you’re like, imagine what they’re going through. Just they must be so hurting. Or, you know, and when we pray together, like that’s the stuff you’re praying about is their heart and how they’re feeling. And you know, all this, I’m like praying for their situation to change. Yeah. And God needs both of those prayers. Those are both important prayers.
22:07
Yeah, sorry, where are you getting? Yeah, no, she’s what you’re saying about, for example. I am not so good on, on, on talking with people, people, but I know you’re so good. And I know you make people feel comfortable. In a normal, like, you know, when you come first time a church recovers from a church, I am now wanting to talk to new people I have not, that’s not my thing. But I know you, and you know me, and that’s where I start. Remember when you said like, a string of string strings of thing. But, you know, my wife knows me in I know her, where I know that. She’s checking, you know, seeing new people in our church. And she’s want to come and talk to make sure that they feel comfortable. Not like a stranger that just coming out. And because I am not going to talk to those people, in a normal way is so good to make people feel comfortable and welcome, welcoming, comfortable, and that they belong, whatever they need to belong. Yeah. And I know, that’s why you you feel like sometimes we have, you know, on the church, or sometimes when when we go to the playground, right, and there’s a mom or a nanny, whatever, you know, then they need to talk and I don’t need to have that conversation, I need to be in a conversation, how to have to be in that conversation. Because I know your whatever the person is going through, and you’re there, so I just go play with my kids in because I know you make sure that person feel comfortable. Yeah. And feel that there is community here. There is me here. If whatever you need, you know, say hi, or whatever, we give a phone call, you know, for example, here when we, you know, that’s what we’re trying to figure it out. I don’t want to make you feel bad if you’re cooking. And then oh, yeah, I mean, I with my friends. And to me, you know, I’ll tell him like, you know, we work we work now. And that works. Okay, such a good team. Back then that was supposed to be team that was fighting all those things together. But how it’s like, you know, like you say, when a friend comes to me to help you to help you cook and all the sudden we’re like, you know, I know how you are how you Hang Hang out with your friends, or with the people who want to come in our apartment, and make them feel comfortable. And I’m, I’m good. You know, I my hands had to be busy. So I had to really talk to him. And he’s not like, I don’t want to talk to them. But it’s just like, I’m what I’m gonna do in a normal way. He’s making it personal, this people or person feel comfortable. And I’m going to do that. So that person can feel better that you know, we want to make some meal for for them or for that person. And then you know, we’re like enjoy and even some friend of yours, like Do you Do you need any help? You know, because I feel like I’m doing all enema. I’m like, I’m happy. In the where I’m blown. I think, you know, my wife was like, like, you know, he’s got it. problem or the thing of like, no, he’s doing all the work. But because people don’t know us know, because in the my wife and they know me, and she knows me. And that’s what we’re doing all these things, trying to figure it out. And actually, you know, work great. Yeah. You know, and sometimes when we have those ladies coming over and have to go to the other room, because I feel like sometimes kind of like ladies time. And then some of your friends thing says like, he’s okay. And I think you told me like, Yeah, I think, yeah, he’s okay. He he, what do you say that he knows? You know, the other ladies. Ladies want to talk? Yeah, yeah. And, and I’m glad that my wife knows me that way. And I’m glad that I know my wife that way. And yeah, there’s a lot to be learned, huh. But I feel like this little tiny piece of my look like, to us is a huge, huge piece, that we kind of know how to work as a team. Yeah, you know, I don’t have to feel I had to do all everything. And my wife doesn’t feel like she has to do everything. So want to just help each other because you want to leave with that person. The rest of your life. That’s the you know, that’s the plan. That’s the goal. That’s what you’re married to this lady. You know, when they say, you know, love is patient love is kind of some of those words I struggle with. You know, my favorite word is Love is it’s, it’s a terminal. Mm hmm.
26:36
You know, love is keep no records of Rome. And I struggle with that, you know, but with, with God’s help i You help me when I’m like, you know, love are not represented, like we will we have arguments and we try not to bring some things that in the past years ago, yeah. You know, like, this is the issue, and it’s who will come up, and then you start saying those things hurtful things, and the husband or wife will be like, that was 50 years ago, why were you bringing this stuff? I thought we were over to that. You know, and I feel like, I feel like that, that we we you know, we constantly learning and encouraged me so much every single time. He knows some time. One funny thing that we went to this Bible site in our church, and they say, mentioned one of the one of the best things or one of the good things about other person doesn’t have to be your husband or someone, your friend, whatever. You can just say some nice thing about the other person. And my wife is like, what I love my husband, he’s like, listen to me, listen to me. And I just kind of make your face like, Can you say more? Like you’re saying it’d be nice to hear you and everyone is laughing? Like, I thought I’m just giving her to listen that I feel compliment. And then he counseled our friend. Can you Oh, yeah, our friends says.
27:59
He says come on Dee. Oh, that’s what happened. Oh, okay. So I said. So they said it was it was a great course called emotionally healthy relationships. And it’s a great, great course, which basically is helping you continue to learn more skills on how to healthfully work through conflict, you know, because sometimes in the church, we want to love each other. But sometimes we just don’t have the skills to work through some of the difficult human relationships that we have. So this great course anyway. So we’re at this class, and the class that we’re that they’re doing is about listening. It’s called incarnational, listening. And they said, you know, who in your life do you know is a good listener? And you remember, yeah, and this doesn’t have to be someone in this room. And so I of course, was like, Well, my husband is a great listener. And I was like, actually, just the other day, he was sitting there watching the game. And I had had a phone conversation. And I walk in the door, and he’s like, Oh, honey, how did the phone call go? And I was like, Oh, good. And he scoots out of his chair, turns it around towards me. It says, Yeah, tell me about it.
29:21
He said he didn’t know that means so much to
29:23
me. So much. It really means that you care about my heart, it means that you, you love what’s going on in my heart and, and just you know, wives who are listening. That’s the kind of response I give to my husband when he does something that means so much to me. I tell him I tell him how much it means to me. And like you said, Babe, that’s what comes to your mind. The next time you say, in your head, you’re like, Oh, I know this. I know. She loves this. Let me do this for her. Right. Which is why I think that’s where you are now that you, you realize listening to me means so much and that’s why you do it all the time. So anyway at the at the church thing the other night, there was a guy there that we love is we won’t say his name, but he says he’s like, come on Dee, you’re making the bar too high for us husbands. Just watch
30:17
it it was so Bernie man apparently my wife has been a couple of me so much on those classes that because that’s the only time that I went. Oh, yeah, he only went to one with us. But yeah. He has a lot of things that that now that I’m now getting inspired now I’m I feel comfortable. Now. You made me feel comfortable? Oh, good. There’s no nervous and I feel like now I’m talking to you. Oh, good. You know and glad. Yes, there were some struggles, but also man, guys, husbands. Like, I feel like Don’t be rude to your wife. Hmm. If something that she says, yeah. I don’t appreciate when you make fun of me like that. Like, it’s telling you that she doesn’t like when you make fun of her. You know certain things. Yeah. So if you see the wife is struggling with, with food, struggling with the way she looks, or struggling with something else. I want to just help her and you know, these helpers they’re making fun of her. Or for you will think like, it’s fine. What a no understand why you’re acting like this. You’re beautiful. You’re fine. You know, say something nicer to her. Yeah. Do something nicer for her. Yeah. You know, I don’t know. Get some friends involved with your kids. If you do have kids and just take her out. You don’t have to spend $300 You know, just that she knows that. Just, you know, like my wife says, like one time we had a picnic. I think you mentioned in your podcast, that we had a picnic and Innova and my kids and she didn’t know that I brought a bottle of wine with I know that she loves eating with real plates. Big plates. In a night. She loves drinking with glass wines. Yes, I am. Now we’re not going to zip for the bottle. So I had to make sure and wrap it all this glass in all this stuff. So don’t break in those plates on break in. I know she likes to eat with real forks. Not what the plastic is, by the way is bad for the earth. That’s right. But you know, I know that she likes it. Yeah. And I didn’t know how much he likes it. And then when it’s like, you know, guess what I brought. And then she looked at a wine all the time. Like, oh my god, honey, and she just came over me as a as an appreciation. She doesn’t have to say anything. Just look at her eyes. That is pure joy. You know, and because I know she likes it. So why not me doing and it’s, you know, you don’t have to spend hundreds of dollars just do they just had time with your wife. Just be gentle with your wife. I think that husbands I think, you know, I was speaking with it with a husband. Because first I didn’t know, you know, sometimes I make you feel bad. And I still make you feel bad. But um, you know, I’m learning. And I just think about, you know, when I make fun of you, when when when I say oh, you talk like your mom, you know, and I say the things that you said and they’re like, Hey, I don’t I don’t I don’t like that. But you don’t say like you don’t say on the angry way. You don’t say like, stop telling them. Stop making making, you know, make me follow me. You say like, Honey, I don’t I don’t just I don’t I don’t appreciate it. I don’t like that. This all makes me feel. Yeah, please don’t do the in I apologize. Yeah, he now said I’m sorry. I just thought was been silly. But I hurt your feelings. Yeah. So I’ll do my best not to do that. i Yes, I will do it probably once in there. But just know that I’m working on that. If you’re really working on that. Just be more gentle with your wife and encourage her.
34:16
You know, stop saying like, I’m doing all this thing nice for you. Why don’t you just do this thing nice for me. And stop doing the same things. And you start doing those things. You know? And just like you say, love keeps no records of wrongs. And so you’re telling me your wife or your husband that I’m doing this all for you in what you have done? Nothing so that basically it is the husband you will husband or wife will feel I feel I think this courage Yeah, because now so oh gosh, she’s done well for me, well, you don’t have to do it. Why you? If you’re telling me all this thing that you’re doing it you don’t have to do it then so you don’t tell me. Right? You know, just do those things and make sure you It won’t take a week, an hour, a month a year, it will take probably a little longer. But eventually he or she will know that you are trying to love the way that you want her to feel love or him love. I think just stop calling your wife’s names that don’t appreciate it. We’re making fun of her. But yes, I still make fun of my wife sometimes. But I still, like apologies that I get the I’m sorry, I didn’t meant to say those things. You know, because I know before I’m like, it’s silly. I just, it’s funny. It’s funny. Yeah, but my, you know, my wife just hurt her feelings. Right? And that’s not okay. That’s not right. He want your husband or wife or husband to love you not to hide things from you. I think. So I think just for the husband just just to be kind and love your wife. And don’t lose hope. And just pray. You know, and, you know, we took this financial, financial class financial, Peace University. And it’s amazing that, you know, when Dave Ramsey says like, pray works. And that’s a you know, thing is funny, but like prayer works. And yet I still, like all the miracles, all the miracles that God has been teaching me over and over again. And still sometimes when life is good, I struggle. Yeah, believing that. You know, like some when I feel like, what the experience what we experienced this year. And then now like sometimes when life is good, I forget about what a witch has been through Inca get me out of the dark spot. Yeah. You know, I forget to like, so easy I struggle with Do I really believe in this, but years when I’m reading the whole and start praying, and then like, whole, I feel like I say like, now you’re believing me. But when things go well, you don’t think about me you don’t pray. You know, and I feel like, like, I still have a lot to learn, a lot to learn. And I think even when we’re 100 and something years old, I still will be learning a lot from you. From my kids. You know, I know that you knowledge, a lot of things. In I know I made mistakes in an oval made mistakes. But you’re not just you. You will be you know me because you know me the best. And if you say something nice, I will keep that in my records for nice things. If you say not nice things. I will keep that that was Amina will bring it up as you stays there. But if you’re saying all this encouraged me is like if you’re telling me those encouraging things, encouraged me all those things that keep bad things directories? I started erasing those things. Yeah. I don’t know if it makes sense. No, it does. I’ve encouraged me in a kept this bad experiences is like kind of like if you’re if you’re encouraged me something like, oh, well, you did a great job on playing soccer. You know, I saw your score, blah, blah. And I feel like you’re right, you erasing another bad record that I had kept it. And keep looking forward for those good things that you are you seeing on me?
38:32
Yeah. I mean, that’s awesome. No, it’s so good. And it’s some of the things that I noticed some of the things you’re talking about, was like, just again, appreciating what the other person is. Right? And that erasing the other things and actually, that being the things that ultimately changes your spouse by encouraging the things that are good, right? That’s
39:06
right. Because we can easily look at the bad things by and easily look, you know, this thing that we were talking about yesterday, if you look at your day, what happened your day, what happened in the middle of the day, what happened in the afternoon at night, and there are some things that you did not like about your spouse or something where whatever you walk anything, he easily for you to focus on that. Instead of trying to focus on the good on the good thing, for example, sometimes that we’re saying like, you know, what’s one of your favorite things today, today? He know and then we start thinking about the good things, the bad things because the bad things it’s there any easy to remember, in all the good thing is like what’s, what’s one of the one of your favorite things about today? Well just hold the hands with you. Simple thing hold hands with you, or talking with you. You No. And that’s it. I think that’s it. Yeah, yeah.
40:07
So Honey, this whole conversation, you know, kind of the way things started out the ways I’ve changed, and the ways we are now. I mean, literally, it’s because I changed,
40:18
I believe so. For my experience, I believe so.
40:23
Because I, I don’t know exactly how you could have changed, which would have changed things.
40:30
I mean, I don’t know, probably, if I change you how you want me to be, you would not be happy.
40:37
If you had done everything I said, I wouldn’t have been happy either. Because like you said, I would have thought you were like my child, I wouldn’t have thought you were my sexy husband, which, who I was dating and fell in love with? I would have thought you’re this? You know, man that follows me around? And does whatever I tell him to, you know, yeah. So I changed into a woman that gave you the freedom to be the man that God has made you to be Yeah, the personality, the strengths that you have the choices you make, even though a lot of them I wouldn’t make if I were you, but those are your choices, and you’re a completely different person than me. And that’s what I love about you. So there’s no reason for me to try to change you try to make you who I am or who I want you to be. Where are you
41:25
going to slow the person to be? Yeah, you know, encourage the person to be, yeah, I guess when you say that, love you, like you love that person, and you accepted that person, their, their imperfections, and their best, you know, the best things.
41:46
It’s true, you know, if you give your husband the space to be who he is, God can do really amazing things, when you respect him. It’s just awesome what God can do. So I hope this has been an inspiring conversation for you. And I hope that you will come back next week, for the final part of this conversation, and a discussion. Lastly, about how we became romantic and how we enjoyed our most recent wedding anniversary. It was really amazing. Now, before I go, I want to just remind you that this is the last week to get the 30% off discount for the intimacy coaching with me, I want to just encourage you, if you have been, this has just been Nying at you whether or not you should take the plunge and have coaching with me, I really hope that you go ahead and make that choice. Because when you have the opportunity to really look at what’s going on in your marriage with someone who has done this, who knows how to guide and give direction and strategize, understand where your background is. I mean, that’s what the first whole session is about, is to understand where you are, where you’re coming from, to understand where you want to go, and what areas you want to really focus in on. And then strategy is really looking at what direction can we be moving? What are the most important things that we can be moving towards? And how do those things connect? I mean, that’s really some of my favorite work is to work one on one with women. And honestly, I wish I could work with more women. It’s it’s just such a fulfilling experience for me to see lives change, marriages changed, because I mean, that’s whole families, you’re talking about potentially generations, who God can just transform, just because of intimacy being different in in marriage, it’s incredible what God can do. I just encourage you to go ahead and take that next step. There’s a short waitlist. So I want you to get on there quickly. So you don’t have to wait. You know, however long you’re potentially, you know, how long have you waited already for things that have been so painful and hurtful. And remember, I mean, we spend hundreds of, you know, hundreds or 1000s of dollars on our wedding day. But what do we spend in terms of investment on our marriage? Just want you to think about that our whole marriage are we investing our resources, our time, our finances, our energy, our attention, to make it better to make it the way that God wants it to be? That’s ultimately going to allow us to be who we should be in this world. Well, I hope that you will go ahead and take advantage of this discount. It’s going to end here this week, and the 24th November and I would love to to hear from you and go ahead and work with you. God bless you. And I will be talking to you next week. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Bye.
45:13
Thanks for joining. If you’ve been inspired by this show, would you help spread the word? If you take a moment to review and subscribe others can find us more easily. Find out how to delight your marriage.com forward slash iTunes. Until next time, live with love, wisdom impassion