It can be nerve-racking to put yourself out there. Especially if you’re not the type or just have never felt comfortable initiating. Maybe you’re just having trouble starting something new or being willing to let your husband see your body.

The female brain is such a unique creation. God made it extremely connected to our physicality. As women, when we set our mind to get into sex, we are actually giving it permission to get turned on. For most women, our physical bodies do not crave the experience like our husbands do. We may crave the intimacy and physical closeness, but generally speaking, we can go much longer without intercourse or orgasm than our husbands. Funny enough, I know I get way more ready, physically and mentally, when I initiate.

In a recent interview for my podcast–launching this month!–a guest who I will keep anonymous for now, shared that it is difficult to initiate sex. Even though she is deeply in love with her husband, it is still a challenge to get started sometimes. She has found the same, that when she initiates she feels more “into” sex than otherwise. I could not agree more!

I have and am still working through these insecurities. But I find these tips are a huge help for me and I continue to strive to live them out. And they really help my marriage.

1. Try It First Without Pressure

Here’s the tip: do what you’re doing now to get the experience to happen (maybe he’s the one to initiate). But, then after the experience, try out the new thing. Let me illustrate. I wanted to try something new with my hubby. I thought he’d like it, but it was definitely something new for us. In our marriage, I am intentional about making sure we have open communication around sex, so it is not abnormal for us to talk about what we like and what we’d like to try out together.

For some reason this was just too different and unusual for me to approach verbally or otherwise. And when I wanted to try it with my hubby in the midst of lovemaking, I could feel myself getting nervous. So, I waited until after the experience and we were both enjoying the afterglow. I brought it up. “Honey, would this be something you would like?” I mimicked the action. He said he would. “How does it feel to you?” He let me know if felt good and what it would be like for him. He said he’d like me to try that sometime. I was thrilled and I felt totally at ease.

Then in our next encounter I went for it. But it was not scary, because a) I knew how to do it–I had already practiced b) I knew that he liked it and c) I had already broken the ice and it was no longer new or scary.

 

2. Stop Looking At Your Reflection

I kind of wish all women still wore long robes like in Bible times. Not because I think it’d be comfortable, but because we’d stop criticizing ourselves every time we walked by a mirror, store window or pane-glass-anything! Further, we wouldn’t be judging other people’s bodies against our own. We wouldn’t see supermodels’ cellulite-free legs and decide we should have legs that hang out in salons and gyms every day, all day. It wouldn’t be a thing to empathize with each other’s “imperfections” with friends. (“Imperfections” because why should society decide for us what is “perfect”?)

Body insecurities can derail your confidence and focus in intimacy. Unfortunately, Bible-dress is not quite in vogue in our society. So, what can we do about it? Don’t look. Yes, I mean don’t judge yourself and don’t judge others. I am specifically saying choose not to check yourself out in the reflection, instead thank God for how great your kids are (and totally worth the cellulite!). Choose to look away and recite a Bible verse when a TV advertisement pops on the screen with scantily clad ladies. Choose to be grateful for the areas of the your body you love, when a friend seems to have the perfect [insert body part]. Don’t let what pops into your head or your line-of-sight, dictate how you feel about your body.

Choose to take back the ground the enemy has stolen from you and choose NOT to let these thoughts exalt themselves above what God is doing in your heart and marriage. “For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for…bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ” (2 Cor 10:3,4 & 6).

3. Remember Whose You Are.

You may be thinking: “Oh come on, it’s not that big of a deal”. I can make sure I look nice before a meeting. Yes, you can. But keep in mind, every time you’re checking the mirror you are judging yourself and your worth according to the world’s standards, not God’s. We want to look at ourselves like God does: “The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart” (Sam 16:7). If we begin to train our thoughts to think about what He thinks about, we can develop the areas that He wants us to develop.

He has created and crafted and knit together your body. It is by no mistake that He made you the way that He did. Do not take that lightly. You are His masterpiece.

 

4. Don’t Forget Your Husband Is Wired For Visual Gratification.

Not only God, but your husband loves it! Just as you were knit together, so was your husband. And he was made to loves your curves! Another interviewer (I’m telling you, this podcast is going to be good!) mentioned that he polled husbands and wives about their attraction for one another. I let you listen to the details in the episode (I’ll link here once the podcast is live). He found that most women feel unattractive to their husbands, meanwhile their husbands are very attracted to them!

Don’t let this be you! Decide you are going to accept the compliments he gives you. Decide that you are beautiful and believe he loves the way you look. Decide that you are going to present your body as though you love it. Slowly at first, but I believe you will!

4. Affirmations Aren’t Just For Business.

As I came from the corporate world and love to read business literature, I have always heard a lot about affirmations. If you’re not aware, affirmations are short phrases that you say to yourself. It may sound crazy, but it works. The affirmation is something you’d like to believe about yourself, about the world, about God, etc. I encourage you to say them aloud. It interrupts whatever thoughts were going through your mind and allows you to focus on the affirmation.

Here are some examples:

• I am beautiful.
• God wants me to enjoy and accept the gift of my body.
• My husband loves to see my body.
• God made my body with perfection and purpose.
• My body was designed to bring pleasure to my husband.
• He enjoys my curves.
• I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Yes you may have trouble believing them at first. Say it every time the doubt and fear pop into your mind. Stick with it and slowly you’ll start to believe it. We can and should control our thoughts especially around something as important as marriage.

God tells us to. “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things” (Phil 4:8).

5. Just Start Touching.

This is very practical: figure out how to start touching your husband more. If you’re too shy to give him a seductive dance right now, that’s ok. He will still enjoy your initiation in any way. Start to make touching part of your relationship. Just begin to make it normal to touch in everyday life. Find excuses to let your hand graze his arm, back, or chest. Stay physically close to him. While in the kitchen, find excuses to touch him. Maybe reach for something near him and let your hand stay on his back for an extra moment. Or put your body against his when you need him to move over. Even be silly about it. Sometimes I bear hug my hubby while he’s washing the dishes. I touch him to let him know I like him and like his body.

The more you touch him the easier it is to move to something more. For example, begin by suggesting to watch a movie together. Turn it on and sit very close, next to him and touching his arm. Eventually, lean against his chest. By the end of the movie, since you’re already very close to each other, start kissing passionately. And let things move forward.

If you’re interested in reading about how often you should initiate, I give some insights in Move Past Low Libido To A Great Sex Life or if you’d like some more practical ideas to initiate check out: 10 Ideas to Start In The Bedroom (without the awkwardness) or What’s Holding You Back From Frequent Love Making?

So those are my tips for now. What are yours? How do you get your mind in the zone to try something new in the bedroom?