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I talk to men every single week often they tell me their good intentions: “She was in pain and I was there. I was present.”
And I have to applaud them, because that’s certainly a win! But I do want to encourage them that presence without words is not enough.
Your silence when she’s hurting isn’t neutral. Unfortunately, it can feel like you don’t care. She may even worry that you’re judging her. Sadly, she may even feel that her heart doesn’t matter to you.
I don’t think that’s what you mean. I think you may just not know what to say. It can feel awkward and risky and you don’t want to look stupid.
But here’s the thing: Jesus wasn’t silent. He spoke. He served people with His words. Not to perform. Not to impress. To help them.
So here are the words I often invite men to say. It might be worth you writing these down:
“Honey, how are you feeling?”
“That seems really hard. How are you doing?”
“Is there anything you want to share?”
Yes, it’ll feel awkward. Yes, she might not respond the way you hope. But what you just communicated is: I care about your heart.
Do it again next week. And the week after. It compounds.
And if you’ve been wrong, don’t just change the behavior. Use words — don’t be silent. I encourage you to apologize. And I invite you to be specific. Own it.
Character is revealed more by what you repent of — even than what you do (Dallas Willard).
Silence after conviction isn’t golden. It can actually be cowardice wearing a mask. I know I’ve been there more than I’d like to admit.
Listen to this week’s episode. Then, say words to show you care.
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Blessings,
DYM Team
(we used ai to summarize her podcast)
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PPPS – Here is what (another) recent Coaching Graduate had to say:
[before coaching], “My wife would punch her card occasionally thinking it was her duty to perform, which made it worse for both of us. We had slowly lost connection and focus on one another. Life including family, work and ministry took focus on our time and our lives. We were doing everything for everybody else and found ourselves absent of time for each other.”[after coaching] “Awareness, understanding, joy, health, compassion, intimacy and godliness, growth of myself and our relationship. Seeing the beauty in my bride. Pursuing it with vigor and not worrying about vulnerability and getting shot down. The program in itself was a major celebration.”
Here is an AI-generated summary of today’s episode:
The Harm Of Silence in Marriage: Why the Words You’re Not Saying Are Hurting Your Marriage
Silence can be wise. Silence can also be devastating. And if you’re a man sitting next to your wife while she’s in pain, saying nothing because you “don’t know what to say,” this episode is for you.
Belah gets direct about the difference between powerful silence and painful silence, why men struggle to speak up, and what Jesus modeled about using words to serve the people assigned to you.
Over 1,000 Coached Directly
DYM recently reviewed the numbers: Belah has personally coached over 1,000 people in just a handful of years. If you’re ready for coaching that leads to real transformation, the track record is there.
Introducing Proactive: For Graduates and New Clients
Maybe you went through a DYM program but fell off the wagon. Maybe the timing wasn’t right, the season was hard, and you couldn’t fully lock in. Proactive is a brand-new offering: four times less time required than the intensives, but with significant accountability and community.
For graduates, there’s a discounted price and a dedicated kickoff call. That pricing disappears September 10th.
Brand new to DYM? Visit delightyourmarriage.com/cc to talk to a clarity advisor.
Silence When You Should Be Speaking
Belah hears it constantly from the men she coaches: “She was upset and I was there for her. My presence was enough.”
Her response: No, it wasn’t.
When your wife is in pain and you say nothing, here’s what she hears:
You don’t care
You’re judging her
Her feelings don’t matter to you
The truth? Most men just don’t know what to say. They’re terrified of looking foolish or making it worse. But silence in that moment is more painful than imperfect words.
The Phrases That Change Everything
Write these down. Put them somewhere you’ll see them:
“Honey, how are you feeling?”
“That seems really hard. How are you doing?”
“Is there anything you want to share?”
“I know this is hard for you.”
Maybe add a touch on the shoulder. It doesn’t need to be a monologue. It just needs to show you care about her heart.
Will she respond perfectly the first time? Maybe not. Do it again next week anyway. What you’re communicating over time is: your feelings matter to me.
Jesus Wasn’t Silent
Jesus was a servant leader. He washed feet. He made breakfast. He spoke, not to perform or to be admired, but to serve the people God assigned to Him.
He was assigned to 12. Not the whole crowd. He prayed for them (John 17). He explained parables to them that He didn’t explain to the crowds. He rebuked Peter directly: “Get behind me, Satan. You are mindful of the things of man and not the things of God.”
James says the wisdom from above is first pure, then peace-loving, then gentle. But it’s not silent. Jesus spoke because speaking was service.
Your wife is your first human assignment. Love your neighbor as yourself, and your neighbor is the one under your roof.
Why Men Stay Silent (The Fall Guy Illustration)
Belah shares a scene from the movie The Fall Guy: a stuntman who can jump through fires but hides himself the moment he feels weak. He breaks off contact with the woman he loves because he can’t bear for her to see him as less than strong.
His confession later: “I tried so many times to say something, and I couldn’t think of the right words. And as I’m trying, the time passes, and then I think it’s too late. So I just stay silent.”
This is the pattern Belah sees in real men, real marriages. They don’t want to look silly, weak, or incompetent. And so they say nothing. And the silence becomes a wall.
The antidote? Practice. Look a little foolish. Do the Chicken Dance if you have to (yes, Belah used to make men do that on coaching calls). Because if you’re not willing to do something new, nothing will change.
Character Is Revealed by What You Repent Of
Dallas Willard: “Character is often revealed more by what you repent of than what you do.”
Belah shares a story from her husband’s pickup soccer game. A skilled player accidentally stepped on her, hard. What set him apart from every other man on that field? He came over, shook her hand, and said specifically: “I didn’t realize it was you. Instinct kicked in. I was too rough. I apologize.”
That apology made her respect him far more than if he’d just treated her gently in the first place. Owning it is strength, not weakness.
The SHORE Apology: Be Specific
If you’re not specific in your apology, the other person doesn’t even know if you understand why they’re hurt. A vague “I’m sorry” leaves them wondering: does he even know what he did?
Was it your tone? Your timing? Your words? A specific phrase?
Belah shares her own example: she brought something up at the wrong time in someone’s life. The content wasn’t wrong. The tone wasn’t wrong. The timing was wrong, and it caused pain. She had to own that specifically.
When Silence IS Powerful
Not all silence is bad. Sometimes you need to stop talking so the Holy Spirit can do His work.
In marriage conflict, the back-and-forth cycle (text after text, argument after argument) often keeps both people justified in their reactions. He does something that makes her feel unsafe, she disrespects him, and it spirals.
But if you pause, if you walk yourself into calmness and stop needing the last word, you create space for conviction. The Holy Spirit can work in silence. You don’t have to win the argument. You just have to stop feeding the fire.
Your Assignment
Write down these phrases and use one this week: “How are you feeling?” “That seems hard. How are you doing?”
If you owe an apology, go be specific. What exactly did you do? Name it.
Practice looking a little silly. New behavior is awkward at first, like learning to ride a bike.
Know when to speak and when to be silent. Speak when she’s hurting. Be silent when the argument is spiraling.
Your marriage is worth the awkwardness. Your legacy depends on it.
(Ai helped us summarize the content of the podcast.)
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