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Overcome Distance In Intimacy

Hi there! Belah here. Today is Part II of my interview with Brad and Kate from onefleshmarriage.com. In this episode, this Godly couple talks about how they were able to overcome their earlier struggles in marriage, especially in their sexual intimacy, through opening up to each other. They share a most inspiring story of how they arrived at a better place in their marriage with three central things that you too could use in your own marriages. Join us as we tackle the intimacy hardships faced by married couples, new and old, and as we unwrap helpful tips to take yourselves out of the darkness and bring your marriage into the light.

Check out Part I at delightyourmarriage.com/29

Scripture/Quote:

  • “Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.” (Ephesians 5: 1-4)
  • “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.” (Ephesians 5:22)
  • “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.” (Ephesians 5:28)
  • “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.” (Ephesians 5:31)
  • “Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife [see] that she reverence [her] husband.” (Ephesians 5:33)
  • “God made marriage to make us holy, not to make us happy.” Gary Thomas

qi podcast (18)

You’ll Discover:

  • How Brad and Kate worked together to solve the contentions they had within their marriage
  • How open communication and being aware of each other’s needs led them to a better place
  • That wives should pay attention to what God is saying to them through the Word
  • That is is essential to seek the help of God in any marital struggle
  • How sexual intimacy can be improved just by taking the focus off yourself and being more inclined toward giving
  • How Brad and Kate were able to decide that their marriage had to shift into a different direction
  • Where the both of them are in their marriage right now and how it feels to be in such a loving, and God-centered relationship
  • That sex is a small part of marriage, but without it, a marriage would seem close to being empty

 

Books & Resources Mentioned:

qi podcast (19)

Tweetables

  • Marriage is like the tide; there are times when the tides are rolling out of the marriage.
  • Marriage is real life. It’s not a 10 every day.
  • The enemy has the most to gain in destroying marriages.
  • Marriage is a relationship that God carved out as special.
  • Sex is a very small percentage of your marriage, but if that percentage isn’t there, it becomes a very important thing that is missing. -Brad
  • We don’t just love each other in the bedroom.
  • Take the focus off of yourself and focus on giving and see how much of a difference it makes.
  • It’s not just about sex; it’s about opening our hearts.

 

Thanks for listening! I hope you are encouraged to live in wholehearted intimacy!

 

Love,

Belah

—

 

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Transcript

0:00
delight your marriage episode 30.

0:03
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast, the show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah rose. Hello, hello, this

0:21
is belah thank you for being here. Honestly, this is huge that you take your time to invest in your marriage and consider what God might want to teach you today. And I want to do a huge shout out to those of you that joined me on Tuesday night for that webinar. Thank you. It was awesome. I feel like there was so many great insights that God just brought out from the Scriptures about intimacy and marriage. I think that, Oh, it’s just so good. So there were so many of you guys on there, it was just brilliant. I mentioned that my love language. My primary love language is words of affirmation. So thank you for being so generous with your words of affirmation, I feel really loved and encouraged. And it’s it’s so nice to see that this is truly changing marriages. I mean, so many of you reached out and said that God taught you brand new things about your marriage, and some of you have been married 44 years, 33 years, 27 years. And then just a simple hour and a half webinar has increased your understandings of God’s purposes, for your intimacy, it’s just incredible. So thank God for that. If you didn’t miss it, I’m sorry, you missed it. But the next live not recorded. One is actually going to be June 2, that’s another Tuesday. But do like go ahead and sign up? That’s delight your marriage.com/webinar I asked on the webinar, would you suggest this to a friend and you won’t believe the amount of positive feedback and exclamation points I saw. So yeah, if you have been on the webinar with me, please remember to send it to a friend because you don’t know how many marriages, God is going to turn around just through our conversation. Again, Tuesday, June 2. So I really hope that you’ll be able to shift things around get babysitters when you need to whatever needs to happen, so that you and I can have this really, really important conversation. Okay, let’s dive into Brad and Kate, they have got wonderful insights. This is the second half of their interview. And you can tell they are all in you know, they love Jesus. And funnily enough, I didn’t even realize this. But it turns out, I have been to their church a couple of times, because of just conferences that happen. So just a cool connection. But they are really wonderful, warm, loving people. And they’ve got a lot to teach us. So if you didn’t listen to part one yet, go back to Episode 29. And listen to the first half. But this is the second half. Really great insights. And let’s go ahead and dive in.

3:09
Cool, well, I wanted to kind of shift into the next part of the interview just to ask, you told us a bit about the history. I want to know how things are in your marriage now. What’s the difference? How things changed?

3:22
Hmm. Um, things are amazing. Like, we just the biggest way that I can say to people is we are on the same page about marriage and God’s desire for it. So that doesn’t mean that you know, people Oh, yeah, you guys perfect marriage. No way, we still we still struggle, there are still times that I feel like we start into a cycle that is old habits. But usually one of us will look at the other and say, Okay, this is not good. Like we need to refocus. Like, we’re just much more aware, we communicate. So we just talk, okay, if we see something happening between the two of us, or we haven’t had sex in a while, you know, which for us isn’t a while, like it used to be, but we just look at each other and say, We need to find time for each other. We are on the same page about what makes our marriage work what God wants from it, and you know, how we are going to proceed forward. And, and some of those things that, you know, cause friction are things outside of our control, you know, we have kids and obligations and jobs and so sometimes it will be outside forces throwing things at you, but again, just looking at each other and saying, Okay, how are we going to deal with this? How are we going to get through this time together? Yeah, you know, and it’s for us to I mean, we just continually doing marriage stuff. I mean, doing our blog, but also do in the marriage ministry at your church, just talking marriages with people really keeps us on our toes. And, and keeps also just, you know, I always say, you know, because we’re doing things in marriage, we’re talking about things, bring it to the light, the enemy is going to try to attack us and keeping that at the forefront to understanding what, what the enemy, you know, wants to try and attack us and seeing those attacks when they come. And recognizing them as such, and just seeking out Jesus for the help that he can, can shed on those things. And so our marriage is good. And we just, I just, Brad is my favorite person to be around. And he is the one I protect the most other than my time with God. And so yeah, I don’t know what else, um, you give specifics, I don’t know if that was just kind of generic. When you look, the only

5:43
thing I was gonna say is, is just a good thing for your, you know, everyone to know that, that getting into marriage ministry, and if you know, anyone in marriage ministry, either starting something at your church are doing something, pray for him, because there’s absolutely attacks on people who are putting out God’s word about marriage. And you know, Kate, and I can chuckle about it now. But like some of our more recent tough days are usually when something significant is happening in the marriage ministry, we’re leading at church. And so it’s it, it absolutely connects and and even to the point like if we have leader couples doing stuff at at that in that ministry, like a lot of times they’ll say, as they’re getting started, man, we had a really rough week, and we just start to recognize it and pray for him and just be there and know that, yeah, it doesn’t mean everything’s perfect, if you’re gonna step out and lead and, and share how God’s growing in your marriage. And sometimes, it’s still hard.

6:48
Yeah, it’s just recently, we met with a couple that was going through our marriage program, but they’re just having a really rough time with somebody specific in their marriage. And, you know, Brad, and I sat down with them had coffee for like, an hour, hour and a half, and then we leave in the car arguing, you know, and we were just like, you know, and but we recognize it for what it is, but we were still like the issue, they were having brought up something that, you know, so we started talking about it start to get a little frustrated with each other. And, you know, you just you realize things and you recognize them for what they are and you you just don’t let them fester and go to the level that the that they used to. Yeah, it doesn’t mean you don’t have struggles, everybody does. And it doesn’t mean we never have struggles, where sex is concerned. But we just talk about it and try to be understanding. And the other

7:35
thing I would say is, I think a lot of people have this perception that once they reach a great marriage, whatever that looks like that it’s gonna stay there, it is easy. It becomes easy. And that’s not true. Look, there. It’s it is I often talk about it as kind of like the tide. And, you know, there are times that the tide is rolling out in our marriage. It’s just we’ve gotten more sensitive to recognizing that, and then coming together and say, What are we going to do to fight that? Or what are we going to do change that? And how do we work together on that? Because it still happens, like life happens that we get busy, we get crazy, you know that somebody is in a bad mood or somebody’s sick or whatever? And, you know, it’s not 10 Every day, it’s real life.

8:26
Yeah, yeah, definitely. No, that’s so good. And I just have a follow up question about that. Brad, is, you mentioned praying for people that are in marriage ministry. And I mean, why do you think there is such a spiritual attack on on marriages in general and marriage ministries?

8:40
That easy? Because I think the enemy knows that. If you have strong marriages, you have strong churches that have strong youth ministries that have strong outreach ministries that have strong pastors, everything. And if you can attack marriages, then those all of those ministries weakened as well.

9:06
Why why do they weaken? Like,

9:08
well, how many times have we seen a really awesome preaching pastor? Yeah, go down because his marriage is in trouble. Or, you know, places where youth ministers have have fallen and taken a whole lot of people with them because there’s something going on in their marriage. Like I think it just so often is, is the root of where some sin sometimes starts is if things aren’t solid in your marriage, other places can happen.

9:40
I was gonna say to you know, I always say that I think the enemy has the most to gain from breaking up marriages be. I think one of the main reasons is, you know, the Bible talks clearly that marriage is a picture of Christ in the church. And so God has to God is using our relationship to teach us Something about the relationship between Christ and His Church. Like, that’s huge. And this is the only relationship he gave sex to as a gift. You know, he didn’t give us something special with our friends, or our parents, like, you can pretty much experience. A lot of you know, and this is a relationship, he carved out a special and it affects, it affects everything. You know, there’s the marriage ministry that we do at our church, one of the the church that developed it, the one of the ladies who was a part of that she said, you know, we can talk about like, when we, we have bad things, something bad happens and how it has a spider effect, kind of, you know, goes out to this person and this person. And she said, But ever since our marriage has been redeemed and changed, I can do the same thing and show you how it’s changed people for the good. And, you know, she said, and we can start with our two daughters, and then we can go to their friends that were affected by it, and my parents and his parents, and like, how it all spiders out. And so you can look at the bad and how that would affect. And you can look at the good. And I think that you know, the marriage relationship, our marriage with our three kids, that’s gonna affect them greatly, and affect their marriages and affect their spouse. And so it just has that spider effect. And, yeah, I just think marriages are, are under, you know, a lot of stress and a lot of attack. And that’s because they’re one of the most special relationships out there.

11:31
Amen. That’s brilliant. I just love that. And, you know, sometimes I’m new to the marriage ministry myself, and, you know, sometimes when I’ll talk to someone about it, or reach out to someone online, or whatever, I almost feel this, you know, oh, she took the easy way out, she’s talking about sex, of course, everyone’s gonna listen to what she has to say, you know, as if like sex is this frivolous thing that, you know, is just attractive, but not not deep in any meaningful way. But I just love that you’ve given so much depth to, to the purposes behind it, why sex is so important. Because look, you know, the spider spider, you know, reaches out into, you know, all this web of like, all these wonderful blessings that God has done. Because you’re you’re in this really connected Union, in your marriage. Let’s just absolutely agree. Now, I want to ask you,

12:17
I would say sex is a very small percentage of your marriage. But if that percentage isn’t there, it becomes a very important thing that is missing. Almost like

12:30
the 8020 principle is that what you’re kind of getting at is that,

12:33
and I don’t have the numbers, I just one of our friends just blogged this recently, they said, you know, if you look at the percentage of time that sexual intimacy actually takes in your week, it’s like, you know, 1/16 of a of a week or something, it’s a really small percentage. But if that isn’t there, what else happens, like what else, you know, happens in your marriage, if that’s missing, it’s really important, but it’s such a small thing. And so I think, I think it’s important to put it in its place, because I do think some couples over focus on you know, it’s not happening in the bedroom, then nothing happens. Well, that’s not true either. Like we don’t just love each other in the bedroom, like, figure out all of the all of life together. And then recognize that there’s other things too, but it is also really important.

13:24
That’s so good. Well, I don’t know if there’s anyone listening that likes business literature, but I really love business literature. And there’s one principle they talk about in business where it’s called the 8020 principle. And so it’s basically like 20% of your effort is focused in getting, and that’s where you get 80% of your results. So you kind of have to figure out what’s that 20% So that you can really focus on it, make it great, so then you get that 80% results. And I’ve never thought about in the bedroom, but I completely agree that it’s, you know, it’s maybe 20%, maybe less than that of the fullness of your life, and yet it gives and adds to 80% of blessings, like goodness, you know, those kinds of things. That’s

14:01
all Yeah. Okay. Well, Kate, I

14:03
wanted to ask you about, you mentioned that you still have struggles in your marriage, and even in the area of sex. How do you think the relation or the the conversations that you have now in the area of sex are different than the conversations you had before when when things were bad?

14:19
That makes sense? Yeah, no, it says, I think before I you know, it’s just a very much a shift in perspective. I was so stuck in my own my own self pity over I feel broken. This isn’t working for me that conversations were always just I’m not sure we actually had conversations about sex. I think I just would, we would just pick fights about other things because that would be easier to sort of hash out or, you know, I could tell he definitely wanted it and I was just trying to find a way to avoid it. So not sure that we, I guess we had conversations now and then but not not much because nothing really comes To my reaches, I was just an avoider. Yeah, once, you know that time where I was seeking him out and cleaning to him a couple of weeks into that we started having conversations, you know, he actually would did one day look at me and say, Okay, what’s friend because something’s different. And so it was a, it was a long, blessed couple of months, but we really started to talk about all of our relationship. And, you know, we started to really talk about how I felt in those first couple years of marriage, how he felt in those first couple years of marriage, and started to own how we hurt each other how, you know, it was really eye opening experience some of the stuff that I didn’t even realize how I’d hurt him and vice versa. So I can’t say that we were good at talking about it, then. I think because I didn’t understand myself, well, I was very, you know, I didn’t really know what I would say to the conversation just that I didn’t really want sex. So now we just, you know, we’re just really open about it. And, and if I’m struggling at times, you know, I tell him, it’s not you. And it’s, it’s you know, and I don’t, I still sometimes do get frustrated. And I don’t like that part of me, per se. But I think Brad is secure in knowing that I desire him and that I love him. And so it’s okay, how can we work through this time? How can I help you? Is there something I can do to take off your plate that will make you feel like you have more time and energy for us? You know, just, you know, he’s just really attentive? And yeah, so our, our conversations for sex flow pretty naturally now. And there’s not a lot of frustration there. But it’s just that mutual. Okay. You’re struggling now. So how can I help you what, and to be honest, you know, we have entered a different phases of life. And so there are times Brad’s just like, yeah, I could I could just go without tonight, you know, and that’s been a different dynamic, just okay. And just perspective change and understanding that and just, you know, yeah, so we just, we just talk about things when we need to talk about them and know that we’re not trying to hurt the other one. But we’re trying to gain understanding and, you know, and how can I help you? And, yeah, so

17:18
that’s great. That’s so good. Well, I just, I just noticed the time and I feel like, we’ve got to run through these next questions, because it’s just so good. Um, but if you don’t mind sharing what you think the chief three things are, that you feel have been central to your marital success?

17:33
Sure, I wrote them down. I would say number one is working, working on yourself realizing that you can only change you in your marriage. And so that’s number one, and then focusing on that change. And, and, you know, figuring out what you need to change. I tell people, people say, How do I know what I need to change? I said, if you could list five things that your husband used to change, write them down, and then look at them and see how you can change that situation, how can you affect that for the positive. And then, with those things, you have write down five things work on one at a time, that’s something I always say, because people get overwhelmed with what I just wrote down 10 things, I can’t change 10 things today. Focus on one at a time. And then the third thing that I say is just really seeking out God, and maybe this one should go first. But just seeking out God and asking him what he wants a view, wants from you, as a wife seeking the scriptures. What does he say to wives? You know, don’t look at what he says, Husbands? What does he say to wives and just, you know, praying God, you know, what do you have for me in the Scripture, when I was trying to figure out what God wanted for me as a wife. And I, you know, we all have different personalities. So it doesn’t always necessarily look the same one marriage to the other. But I just looked up in a big O concordance, the word wife and I read every story, every scripture that dealt with wives, and I just, you know, so super spiritual, you know, you just look up the concordance. And I just, I did that. And I just every time to get God, what do you have for me in this story, and some things that were more than others, some things, you know, didn’t necessarily jump off the page and into my heart, but you know, just seeking those out. Ephesians five was a big one for me, and just, you know, just seeking to love Brad, as God wants me to, and doing so, regardless of the response you get, regardless of putting expectations on him. So those are the things that I would say those are the things the top three things that changed our marriage, was just looking at myself and figuring out what I could do and seeking God in that and changing, changing what he’s, he’s calling me to do.

19:45
Yeah, no, that’s really good. Yeah. Okay. So focus on yourself first. And then number two work on one at a time the things that you want to change in three, which he said could be the first one is seeking

19:56
guidance. Yeah.

19:57
I love that article. More about that. And I’ll have I’ll have the you know, all the scriptures that you mentioned in Ephesians, five and etc, LinkedIn in the show notes so people can read easily. Now, I want to ask, we’ve talked a lot, a lot about sex so far, but I, you know, if there was one tip that either you or Brad could give to a wife about intimacy that she might even be able to implement tonight, that would be awesome.

20:22
Huh? One tip, I see that question in front of me. And I’m like, one tip I would just say to, if nothing else, one of the best best bits of advice that I got, was even when I’m struggling, if nothing else, focus on pleasing Him. Sometimes we get so stuck in our own, like, mind of, I don’t want to be here, I’m too tired or whatever. And when I started to shift that and think, okay, that may be true, but let’s set it aside and see how I can please him and make him feel good and focus on him. It’s amazing, when you’re struggling in life, if you just take the focus off of yourself and, and focus on giving. And in this, in this instance, giving your husband and pleasing your husband, how much of a difference that can make. And that has helped me numerous times just mentally to kick whatever else is going on, in my mind away for a little while and just, you know, just focus on pleasing Him. And, and usually, honestly, God always has blessed me through that. And it’s not too long that I’m, I’m, you know, I’m there myself, I’m into the sound. Okay, let’s go. And so I just think, yeah, just focus on your husband, and don’t even try to put everything else aside. I know, that’s hard. But you know, listen to his his cues that he’s giving you and just focus on him.

21:50
That’s good. Yeah. Well, anything you wanted to add bread, to say?

21:56
Alright, so something that she can do tonight, see, I don’t I usually talk to guys so that that one’s a little bit harder. But I’m trying not to sound terrible by this. But I’m, there is a place where, you know, all of the intimacies are connected. And so we often talk about sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy, and spiritual intimacy and intellectual intimacy. And the reality is, they are all connected. And if you figure out a way to dramatically increase one, the rest of them will go along with it. And it may not be immediate, but it will happen because they are all connected. And sometimes, like, if I was talking to guys, I would say, Hey, if you want to have more sexual intimacy, you need to figure out how do you ramp up emotional intimacy, how do you be there for your wife how to connect? But if we’re talking to women, usually the easiest thing for them to do not always, but usually is, how do I increase sexual intimacy for right now, knowing that thing that I want that emotional, deep connection will come as a result of that. And we’ve done that, like, we encourage readers of our blog, every February around Valentine’s Day to do what we call a 10 day challenge, where we encourage them to commit to having sex together for 10 days in a row. And the amazing thing that happens is, all the couples write in how much they enjoy it. But it’s not just about sex, it’s about them finding time for each other. It’s about them. Just having conversations together and communicating and working out. How are we going to make time for this. And because you’re increasing sexual intimacy, all of the rest of the intimacy comes right along with it.

23:53
That’s good. That’s good. And I’m really glad that you mentioned the 10 Day Challenge. I’m going to also link that up. I think that’d be really good for people to check out. It’s just an awesome, awesome support to your marriage. Very cool. Okay, so is there a oh, well, due to the specific marriage that you’ve had? What opportunities have you had to serve God? We talked a lot about that a little bit. But if you could touch on that just once more.

24:16
Um, yeah. Do you? I mean, more like marriage ministry server, like personally, I was either one actually,

24:24
that would be fine. Okay. Just a vision of maybe the struggle they’re going through right now is what God wants to work out on them in the long run to bless others and do Do for others.

24:36
Hmm, yeah, definitely. Um, you know, I, I think my marriage has taught me so much about myself. Good and bad. And I think that that’s what God designed it to be, you know, what’s it? What’s his name that says, can’t think of his name, the guy that you like, and Gary Thomas, he says, you know, maybe marriage was meant What’s the quote, maybe marriage is meant to make you holy rather than happy. You know, I think that, that, that that’s so true that God desires to use this relationship, not only bless us, which is what I think we enter marriage that he was going to be so amazing share life together. But it is more to draw us to him and to show us the relationship between Christ and the church and to teach us things about ourselves to, to grind out selfishness to Yeah, and God has done so much of that in my myself. And I’m so thankful for it. I will say, for me, I had to be in an open place for that to happen, there were way too many years I was not open and just really, you know, just wasn’t willing to do the things that God was calling me to do. And then, you know, and then, once God has worked in our marriage, and change those things, just and we encourage all marriages of this not being silent about it, like, you know, you don’t have to necessarily start a blog like we did, or, or even run the marriage ministry at your church like we’re currently doing. But you could mentor a couple you could, you know, you, you could be in a small group, and just being marriage positive. And speaking, bringing marriages into the light and speaking life in marriages. I just think that we all, you know, need to do that in our own small way. And it doesn’t have to be huge. But I think that’s part of, of changing marriages. And so, yeah, so we’ve been blessed with sharing our story online, and also sharing our story in our local church. And, yeah, so that’s how we’ve been able to serve and get to know God through that.

26:43
And I like your judgment of even if you’re not, even if you’re not running a ministry or something, you can still help someone. And you know, Brad and Kate have made it very easy to help others because all you have to do is just send a link. I mean, come on. Yeah. I know. plenty of information out there that they’ve that they’ve given. So that that’s really wonderful. So I want to just move into you mentioned Gary Thomas with a really love his book, sacred marriage. So yeah, I’m glad you mentioned that. But is there another book or program you’d specifically recommend for wives maybe who have who are going through the same struggle that you all have gone through?

27:19
Sure. I, you know, I would encourage you to check out reengage marriage ministry, it comes out of a church in Texas called watermark. That’s what we do at our church. They are, you know, have launched it only a couple years ago. And so it’s not in tons of churches. But if you go on their website, which is marriage health.org You can find and see if any local churches in your area are doing it, our church in Lancaster is doing it. And I have no doubt in a couple years, it’s going to be in a lot more states and whatnot. But that’s the first thing that I would say it is the most unique, amazing marriage curriculum Brad and I’ve ever experienced. And as soon as we had it, in our little hands, we were like, we have got to do this in our church. It is It is that good. So and we would encourage you that, you know, any marriage can go through reengage you can be newly married and doing super well and just want to, you know, just learn new principles about a godly marriage or you can you can be struggling severely it the curriculum, that’s how amazing it is that it runs the gamut. So that’s one thing. We encourage couples, specifically for wives there, you know, two new books that I read, and I know you had the unveiled wife on her book was amazing. And just reading her story, and their struggles with intimacy, you know, it very much mirrored some of ours. Although we didn’t have the physical difficulties, we certainly had other difficulties. And so I would just encourage you, if you’ve struggled in that area, that’s a great book to read. But the other one that I’ve just been loving and working through with our small group, women in our personal small group is called prayer for new brides. And it’s by Jennifer White. And she sent it to me and I just, it’s just been amazing. And it’s, it says for new brides and I almost wish she hadn’t put it on there because it’s supposed to be preparing. Those of you who are getting are just about to get married, but it’s written in such a way that you don’t have to be in it’s just such a good good stuff about women and marriage. And, you know, they’re very little short little chapters. Just really encouraging just making you aware of of the enemy and how he’s going to attack your marriage and, and just be encouraging of Okay, now what do you work on in your marriage? Just a great book that I would suggest for any wife to read and don’t get hung up on the fact that it says for new brides because it’s just that good that it doesn’t matter. That’s so cool. Yes, I’m

29:51
gonna check that out. Thanks for mentioning it in a resource that you all provide that you’d like to mention.

29:59
Yeah, I mean, We have our blog, we do it in a format where most of the time, either Kate and I will write a post of just something that God’s put on our heart. And then a couple of days later, the other will respond kind of from either the wife’s perspective of the husband’s perspective. And so often what you can find on on our blog is places where, alright, if I’m thinking about this, how is my husband thinking about it and and kind of maybe read the other side, which sometimes finds helpful. And usually, I’m writing to guys and saying, Guys, here’s things that you can work on and do better in case writing two wives, there’s the same idea. So you know, that we have, we’ve been blogging now for what, three and a half years, and so we have tons of stuff. That’s awesome. That’s so cool. Yeah. So there’s, there’s stuff. It’s been a long time. My goodness, yeah. So yeah, there’s, there’s oodles of stuff on there. You know, for lots of different topics and marriage topics. So definitely, you can find all kinds of things.

31:12
Yeah, that’s really good. And we do that format, probably, I’d say, 95% of time. Sometimes we write. And to be honest, like one of us will write a topic and the other one will look at it and say, I don’t really have anything else to add to that. Like sometimes it’s it’s hard to do the call and response, which is kind of what we do. But, but it is unique in that there aren’t too many out there where it is both husband and wife kind of blogging back and forth. And so yeah, so we just tried to get both perspectives. And what are you looking at our first

31:43
I had to go see, yeah, like, Yeah, our first post was in October of 2010. So she’s right, you know? Well,

31:53
anyway, so but yeah, so just Yeah, our blog, we’ve, we’ve talked about doing books and stuff, but so far, you know, we just haven’t we just haven’t had that that time or that leading, or God’s pushing that. So we’ll just keep blogging and go from there.

32:06
Yeah, no, that’s awesome. Yeah, definitely check that out. And one, flush marriage.com. And that’ll be in the show notes as well. Now, I want to just, I think, since I have you both on here, I wonder if I could do something a little different with the last question. I usually ask if you could go back to the last year or sorry, the first year of your marriage. And you could sit yourself down, what would you say to you? But you don’t mind? I want to flip it and just say, if you could go back to that first year of marriage, what could you say to each other? And if you could both respond?

32:34
Oh, yeah, that’s, um, if I had been brave, I just wrote a post on that about I wish I had been brave in the beginning of our marriage. Honestly, not so much. What would I ask Brad to change for advice that I would give him but I would just tell that 21 year old girl to just to just share with him where she’s struggling, even if, even if I’m sure would have caused that young groom a lot of hurt. But I think my silence, and my sticking my head in the sand caused even more. So I think, if I could go back to that young bride, it would just be to, you know, to be truly intimate with each other. It’s not just about sex, but it’s about opening our hearts and shutting off everything of us and being completely naked and being known. And so I think I would tell that young girl to say to Brad, hey, you know what? I desire you but I’m struggling with desire and sex. And I don’t know why. And I, you know, how do we move on from this? How do we make it better? Because this isn’t what I wanted. This isn’t what I thought our marriage and our sex would look like. So helped me because I don’t want to be this wife. And I think that’s probably what I would say. Right. I don’t know that in the beginning of our marriage. I would say he was on attentive. I mean, he certainly was. So I Yeah, you know, what would you advise me?

34:03
And here’s the thing, like, I think that when you ask a question, I went, honestly, some of the same place I just, actually, over February preached a message on our church on on intimacy and creating it by being transparent and I think it’s the same place that I was that there are so many things about me and my past and things that I felt like if I told Kate, she wouldn’t love me, and so I would, I think I would tell that, yeah, that young kid that you know, it is through being transparent that you will, you will learn how to love that we will learn how to connect.

34:45
I love that. Well true to form you both are focusing on yourself first. So I love that

34:50
I was just gonna add before you stop, seek help. Yeah, that’s what we tell young couples like I think we I was so disillusioned by not understanding myself that If you just want to naturally you want to isolate. And, you know, here two of us, we were doing marriage we were doing, we weren’t doing marriage ministry, we were doing ministry in the church at the time we got married. And I think that sometimes also can make you feel even more isolated. And, you know, I just wish that I had been brave enough to seek out, we together but me specifically a woman that I could talk to and just be open with and share my issues and not hide from them. You know, and I just encourage young couples to seek someone out. It doesn’t have to be your pastor. But if you know someone in your church that they just have, you know, you can just send save a good marriage, just go to them be vulnerable talk. And I do realize that sometimes that’s opening yourself up. And sometimes those situations won’t work out, but your marriage is worth fighting for. And yeah, you know, just seek, seek out someone who can help you. And don’t be afraid to do so. It’s not admitting defeat. In fact, it’s a brave step for your marriage.

35:58
Oh, that’s so good. So good. Yeah. So be brave.

36:02
I love that. Yeah.

36:03
Cool. Well, I mean, where can our audience find and connect with you all online?

36:10
You can find us at one flesh, marriage comm. And we’re on Facebook and Twitter and Pinterest, and all those places too. But you can find those links on our on our homepage. One plush marriage.

36:26
Awesome. Okay, cool. Well, Brad, and Kate, seriously, this has just been wonderful. And I know so inspiring for me, and so many listening. So thank you so much for your time and everything that you’ve given. You’re welcome. There’s just so many nuggets that each of us can be implementing in our hearts and our thoughts about our spouses even now. Thank you, again, for listening. And if you are, have been blessed by delight your marriage, can I ask you a quick favor, it does take a little bit of time, but it actually really helps more people listen and get a chance to see the podcast. If you go to delight your marriage.com/itunes you will be able to learn how exactly to write a review for the podcast. The reason this really matters is yes, my love language is words of affirmation, and I do love the emails that I receive so much. But when you actually do a review online, what it does is it makes us go higher up in iTunes, whatever their algorithms or whatever. And so then more people are naturally able to find the podcast that would really do a lot not only for my encouragement, and you know, the encouragement of all those that are interviewed on the podcast. But most importantly, it spreads the word it gets people to hear this great message. So if you’ve been listening for a while, and there’s so many of you that listen, thank you. If you haven’t taken the time to give us a review, would you spend your time maybe you know, maybe it’ll take you five minutes and might take 10. And while you’re at it, why not check out what other people have said about the podcast and how it’s changed their lives and marriages because it’s kind of really cool to hear. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. God bless you. I love you and I’m praying that God would continue to bless you in your marriage. Good night. Bye, or day or afternoon. Bye.

38:28
Thanks for joining. If you’ve been inspired by this show, would you help spread the word? If you take a moment to review and subscribe others can find us more easily. Find out how to delight your marriage.com forward slash iTunes. Until next time, live with love, wisdom and passion

 

 

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